🎲 Surprise Me

Results (6345)

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- ...just because you do something dumb doesn't mean...
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- "Drip, slurp, yum.
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Give me that sweet wet sugar mess."
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Well hello, Linda.
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- Mm, he's, uh--
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he's on his way, I just texted him, so--
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- All right, everybody. Start to shut up.
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Ralph, what brings you here?
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- You're late. I'm--I'm covering for you.
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It's school policy. You can't leave
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these students unattended.
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- He literally leaves us alone all the time.
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- Just--just try to be on time.
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- All right, yeah. Totally.
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Is it--ah! Just gonna get some, uh
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- Uh, I need SunChips. - We just discussed this.
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You--you can't just leave because you want chips.
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So I had an interesting morning.
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As I was pulling out of my dead mom's driveway,
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I turned on my number one NPR voice crush, Terry Gross,
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only to find that she was interviewing my rival, Miles.
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I was so distracted by this injustice
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that I accidentally backed over a possum.
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Specifically, his lower half.
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He was flat from about here down.
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And he was shouting, uh, a lot.
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And this presented me with an interesting
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philosophical dilemma.
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Was it kinder to let this animal slowly die
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or to bash it to death with a big wrench?
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And once I'd done so, I turned and saw
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that one of the possum's relatives
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was staring right at me.
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He witnessed the entire thing.
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This presented me with another beautiful
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philosophical dilemma.
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Was it kinder to let this new possum be driven mad
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by what he'd seen, or do I bash him to death
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with a giant wrench as well?
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Needless to say, my morning became