♥ Saved GIFs

Loading…

View all favorites →

Home » EuroTrip » S01E01 — EuroTrip

EuroTrip

Season 1, Episode 1 — EuroTrip

↓

Congratulations, Hudson High Class of2004.

class congratulations

↓

There she is. Fiona!

fiona

↓

Bye.

↓

- Hey. - Hey!

↓

Hey, you.

↓

- Congratulations, graduate. - Thanks, baby.

baby congratulations graduate thanks

↓

And congratulations to you, Cooper.

congratulations cooper

↓

- Thanks, baby! - Nice try.

baby thanks

↓

All right. I'll see you at Wade's party tonight?

party party-tonight tonight

↓

- See you then. - All right.

↓

So, it's just you and me for the entire summer.

entire summer

↓

Next year you graduate, join me at college. Just like we planned.

college graduate join planned

↓

- Scott, we need to talk. - Yeah? About what?

scott

↓

About me dumping you.

dumping

↓

There he is! The graduate and his beautiful girlfriend.

girlfriend graduate

↓

- Okay. - Smile, you two!

smile

↓

- Action! - Dad, Mom, Grandma, Uncle Moke.

action grandma uncle

↓

I'm gonna need a minute here, okay?

minute

↓

What do you mean, you're dumping me?

dumping

↓

Scott, I just can't take all the lying and cheating on each other anymore.

anymore cheating lying scott

↓

What do you talking about? Sweetie, I never cheated on you.

cheated sweetie

↓

I know. That's what makes this so hard.

hard makes

↓

Looking good, you guys.

looking

↓

Scotty, it's not you. It's me.

scotty

↓

There I go, lying again. No, it was you.

lying

↓

- You're just so predictable. - Smile.

predictable smile

↓

So, that's it?

↓

Here's your letter jacket back. Goodbye.

goodbye jacket letter

↓

This isn't mine.

↓

Now, she's a keeper, huh?

keeper

↓

Oh, wow.

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

Fiona!

fiona

↓

Let's see that again.

↓

Fiona!

fiona

↓

This is just so brutal.

brutal

↓

And yet I can't look away. Bert, play it again. Come on.

bert

↓

Fiona!

fiona

↓

Bert, get out of here.

bert

↓

Okay. See you, Coop.

coop

↓

- All right. Stay Black, Bert. - Yeah.

bert black

↓

"Fiona!"

fiona

↓

Mail, motherfucker!

mail motherfucker

↓

Hey, I got one from Mieke.

mieke

↓

"Happy Herzlichen."

happy

↓

You still writing that guy? I thought that was just for German class.

class german writing

↓

It was at first, but we're actually becoming pretty good friends.

becoming friends

↓

He's a really cool guy.

cool

↓

"Dear Mieke, greetings from your American pen pal."

american dear greetings mieke

↓

Scotty, Girl Scouts have pen pals.

girl pals scotty scouts

↓

Listen to yourself, all right?

↓

No. You met "a cool guy on the Internet."

cool internet

↓

Okay, this is how these sexual predators work.

predators sexual

↓

Next thing you know, he'll want to "arrange a meeting,"

arrange meeting

↓

where he will gas you and stuff you in the back of his van

stuff

↓

and make a wind chime out of your genitals.

chime genitals wind

↓

- Come on. Let's go to Wade's. - All right. Screw it.

screw

↓

Let's go. I'm not gonna let Fiona ruin my graduation night.

fiona graduation night ruin

↓

Auf Wiedersehen, Mieke.

mieke

↓

Hey. What's up, losers?

losers

↓

- What's up, Jenny? - What's up, dude?

jenny

↓

Sorry to hear about Fiona. She's a whore.

fiona whore

↓

Well, that's very sweet of you. Thanks.

sweet thanks

↓

All right, enough Fiona talk.

fiona

↓

Look around. There's gotta be a hundred drunk girls here.

drunk girls hundred

↓

We should be trying to have sex with every one of them.

↓

- Hello? Mixed company? - What?

company mixed

↓

- I'm a girl. - No, you're not.

girl

↓

- You're just a cool guy with long hair. - Where's your evil twin brother at?

brother cool evil evil-twin hair twin

↓

Jenny!

jenny

↓

There he is.

↓

Hey, Jamie. In fine form, I see.

form jamie

↓

Why'd you get me gin and tonic? I hate gin.

hate tonic whyd

↓

- You do? - You guys are the worst twins ever.

twins worst

↓

Chug! Chug! Chug!

chug chug-chug chug-chug-chug

↓

- When are you guys taking off? - Tomorrow morning.

morning tomorrow tomorrow-morning

↓

Hey, Wade!

wade

↓

Great party, buddy.

buddy party

↓

Man, I am so excited.

excited

↓

A whole summer, backpacking around Europe.

backpacking europe summer whole

↓

You should've come with us instead of working for Dr. Dad, Scotty.

scotty shouldve working

↓

It's gonna be so awesome!

awesome

↓

Yeah. I have planned every detail of the trip to maximize the fun.

detail fun planned trip

↓

You brought a guidebook to a party?

brought guidebook party

↓

- Do you wanna see my itinerary? - Do you wanna see my balls?

balls itinerary

↓

You guys decide where you're gonna go first?

decide

↓

Paris. I can't wait.

paris

↓

I heard, two years ago, Nicky Jager's sister, Debbie,

debbie heard sister years

↓

met this really wealthy French guy

french wealthy

↓

and they spent a month sailing the Mediterranean on his yacht.

month sailing spent yacht

↓

Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard?

heard romantic

↓

Stuck on a boat with a weird French guy?

boat french stuck weird

↓

- That sounds a little gay. - It's not gay. I'm a girl.

girl sounds

↓

- Kind of gay. - It's a little gay.

↓

All right, I gotta piss like a pregnant woman.

piss pregnant pregnant-woman woman

↓

Hey, listen up, everybody.

everybody

↓

Gotta a special thing I'd like to do tonight.

special tonight

↓

Going to play a little song for you

song

↓

about the nastiest, freakiest little sex puppet I know...

puppet

↓

Fiona.

fiona

↓

This one's for you, baby. Happy anniversary.

anniversary baby happy happy-anniversary ones

↓

Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me

fiona scotty

↓

Do it in my van every Sunday

sunday

↓

She tells him she's in church But she doesn't go

church tells

↓

Still she's on her knees And Scotty doesn't know

knees scotty

↓

Oh, Scotty doesn't know

scotty

↓

So don't tell Scotty, Scotty doesn't know

scotty

↓

Scotty doesn't know

scotty

↓

I hope we're just as popular in college as we were in high school.

college hope popular school

↓

- We will be. - I know.

↓

Who needs more Chablis?

needs

↓

- Candy, wanna come with? - No, I'll stay here.

candy

↓

Well, there's your R rating right there.

rating

↓

Holy cow! This isn't where I parked my car.

holy parked

↓

I can't believe he's so trusting

believe trusting

↓

While I'm right behind you thrusting

behind

↓

'Cause Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know

scotty

↓

Cooper Harris, you're a pig!

cooper harris

↓

Wait, Candy, you should clean that off before you go.

candy clean

↓

Clean what off?

clean

↓

You've got a little something on you.

↓

Where?

↓

Like there.

↓

It's like a smudge or something.

↓

Where?

↓

It's like dirt or something. Just go like this.

dirt

↓

Is it off?

↓

No. Keep rubbing it.

rubbing

↓

I did her on his birthday

birthday

↓

Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know

scotty

↓

Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know

scotty

↓

Don't tell Scotty, Scotty doesn't know

scotty

↓

No, it's just not coming off.

coming

↓

What is it?

↓

Well, it may be tree sap or something. Try pinching it.

tree

↓

No, it's just not coming off. I'll tell you what,

coming

↓

lick your fingers, get some saliva going.

fingers lick saliva

↓

Like this?

↓

Yeah.

↓

Just-- Again, not enough saliva.

saliva

↓

- Is it off yet? - Okay, fine. I'll do it. Come here.

↓

Oh, my God. Candy!

candy

↓

Cooper!

cooper

↓

Hey.

↓

This isn't where I parked my car.

parked

↓

Scotty doesn't know...

scotty

↓

Hey.

↓

Scotty doesn't know! Scotty doesn't know!

scotty

↓

This band rocks! Yeah!

band rocks

↓

Scotty doesn't know...

scotty

↓

Mail, motherfucker.

mail motherfucker

↓

Hey, Mieke. "Dear Scott,

dear mieke scott

↓

I was very sad to hear about your lady woman Fiona dumping you.

dumping fiona lady woman

↓

Since you no longer have a girlfriend, maybe I could come to America

america girlfriend longer

↓

and we could get to know each other better.

↓

Perhaps we could...

perhaps

↓

zussamen."

↓

What the fuck is a zussamen?

fuck

↓

"Arrange a meeting."

arrange meeting

↓

No, no. No, come on. Cooper was right.

cooper

↓

This guy wants to have sex with me.

wants

↓

"Listen, Mieke. I don't want to arrange any meetings with you,

arrange meetings mieke

↓

you sick, German freak.

freak german sick

↓

So please keep your hands off my genitals,

genitals hands

↓

and never write to me again, and don't come to America.

america write

↓

Goodbye."

goodbye

↓

I'm never drinking again.

drinking

↓

That's nice.

↓

- Bert, what are you doing? - Reading your email.

bert email reading

↓

Don't do that.

↓

Why are you wearing my bathrobe?

wearing

↓

Oh, I'm sorry, but somebody pissed all over mine last night.

night pissed somebody

↓

Wow. I can't believe this German chick wants to come here and hook up with you.

believe chick german hook wants

↓

I don't think so, buddy. Mieke's a guy.

buddy miekes

↓

No, it says right here, " Trauriges Mädchen."

↓

"I was a sad girl to hear about Fiona."

fiona girl

↓

Fucking A, Scott. I'm taking Intro to German and even I know that.

fucking german intro scott

↓

Come here. He sent me a picture, retardo.

picture sent

↓

See? That's a picture of Mieke and that's his cute cousin, Jan.

cousin cute mieke picture

↓

No, retardo. That's Jan, a man's name.

mans name

↓

And that's not "Mike," it's "Mieke,"

mieke mike

↓

a common German girl's name, similar to our Michelle.

common german girls girls-name michelle name similar

↓

I hope you wrote her back and told her to come and visit.

hope visit wrote

↓

You didn't? You thought she was a guy.

↓

I'm getting the video camera.

camera video video-camera

↓

- What an asshole! - No.

asshole

↓

No.

↓

No.

↓

No!

↓

"Address blocked"? "Email not delivered"?

address blocked delivered email

↓

No. No, come on!

↓

Hey, Mom made waffles.

waffles

↓

- What's going on? - I'm in love with my pen pal.

love

↓

I'm in love with Mieke.

love mieke

↓

Okay. Okay.

↓

You know what? I was actually expecting this.

expecting

↓

And frankly, no, listen, I'm flattered you picked me to come out to first.

flattered frankly picked

↓

And don't worry about telling your folks, 'cause...

folks telling worry

↓

- I think they already know. - No, you idiot. Mieke is a girl.

girl idiot mieke

↓

No, no, I get it. Yeah. He's the girl, and you're the girl,

girl

↓

and sometimes you're both the girl.

girl sometimes

↓

Right? Right? That's hot.

↓

But whatever works for you. I'm not gonna judge it.

judge works

↓

Will you stop? Look, come here. Look at this picture.

picture

↓

Wow. Who's the hot chick?

chick

↓

That's Mieke. I mean, "Meeka."

mieke

↓

Wait, that's Mieke? That's who you've been writing to all this time?

mieke writing

↓

Yeah, you know, until last night, when I took your advice

advice night

↓

and told her to keep her hands off my genitals.

genitals hands

↓

Given what we know now, that seems like the exact opposite of what you want.

exact exact-opposite given opposite seems

↓

- This is a total disaster. - Oh, come on. It's not that bad.

disaster total

↓

Though she is really hot.

↓

You're not listening. I don't even care what she looks like.

care listening

↓

Mieke and I, we had this incredible bond.

bond incredible mieke

↓

I told her things I couldn't even tell you.

↓

- Like what? - Nothing. It's a figure of speech.

figure speech

↓

- Seriously. What? - Nothing. The point is--

point

↓

- You like me better, right? - Will you stop? Listen.

↓

This girl is not only smart and funny and stunningly beautiful,

funny girl smart

↓

but until I screwed up,

screwed

↓

she actually wanted to come all the way to America just to be with me.

america wanted

↓

- So do something about it. - What can I do?

↓

She blocked her email account. Her phone number's not listed.

account blocked email listed numbers phone phone-numbers

↓

The only thing I know is that she lives in Berlin.

berlin lives

↓

So go to Berlin.

berlin

↓

- I can't just go to Berlin, Coop. - Why not?

berlin coop

↓

Because I just can't, okay? I'm supposed to work for my dad this summer.

summer supposed

↓

That stuff looks really good on my med school application.

application school stuff

↓

Oh, Jesus, Scotty.

jesus scotty

↓

Man, Fiona was right. You're so predictable.

fiona predictable

↓

- I'm going to Germany. - No. We're going to Germany.

germany

↓

- How are we going to get to Germany? - Don't worry. I've got it covered.

covered germany worry

↓

- We're going to be couriers? - It's the best way to get a cheap flight.

best cheap flight

↓

All we have to do is carry their packages and then drop them off when we get there.

carry drop packages

↓

- My cousin did it when he went to India. - Yeah?

cousin india

↓

Yeah. Of course, he ended up using a public restroom in New Delhi

course ended public restroom using

↓

and they had to cut off his leg. You know.

↓

But he got there cheap, is what I'm saying.

cheap

↓

Okay, I don't have anything to Germany for a week.

germany week

↓

But I can get you both to London today for $118.

london today

↓

- Anything else? - Europe is the size of the Eastwood Mall.

europe mall size

↓

- We can walk to Berlin from there. - Cooper, England's an island.

berlin cooper island walk

↓

Okay, swim. Whatever. We'll take it.

swim

↓

Hey. Thanks for coming with me.

coming thanks

↓

I know you had that internship at the law firm this summer.

firm summer

↓

Forget about the law firm.

firm forget

↓

And don't thank me. I should be thanking you.

thanking

↓

This trip is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me

lifetime opportunity trip

↓

to broaden my sexual horizons.

sexual

↓

- What are you talking about? - I'm talking about crazy European sex.

crazy crazy-european european

↓

You know America was founded by prudes.

america founded prudes

↓

Prudes who left Europe because they hated

europe hated left prudes

↓

all the kinky, steamy European sex that was going on.

european kinky steamy

↓

And now I, Cooper Harris,

cooper harris

↓

will return to the land of my perverted forefathers and claim my birthright,

claim land perverted return

↓

which is a series of erotic and sexually challenging adventures.

adventures challenging erotic series sexually

↓

You've really thought a lot about this, haven't you?

↓

It's my passion.

passion

↓

Come on. Come on.

↓

The adventure begins.

adventure begins

↓

Welcome to jolly old England.

england jolly welcome

↓

Yeah, breathe that sweet, sexy, European air.

breathe european sexy sweet

↓

What is that?

↓

It's the phone they gave me at the law firm.

firm phone

↓

Yeah, it's pretty neat.

neat

↓

- Works anywhere. - Yeah?

works

↓

Yeah. Excuse me.

excuse

↓

Cooper here.

cooper

↓

Hello, Mr. Walters.

walters

↓

Yes, sir, I'm down in file storage.

file storage

↓

Hang on one second.

hang second

↓

No, sir, I can't find the Gutterman file anywhere.

file

↓

Yes, sir, I'll keep looking. I don't rest until I find it.

looking rest

↓

Didn't tell your boss you were leaving the country?

boss country leaving

↓

- They would've stopped paying me. - Right.

paying stopped wouldve

↓

This seemed easier.

easier seemed

↓

- So, where to? - I don't know.

↓

First bus to Berlin doesn't leave till tomorrow morning.

berlin morning till till-tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow-morning

↓

What do you wanna do? Got the Tower of London, there's Buckingham Palace.

london palace tower

↓

There's no drinking age.

drinking

↓

- There you go. - Come on.

↓

Hey! The Feisty Goat.

goat

↓

All right.

↓

What do you wanna...

↓

Soccer hooligans.

hooligans soccer

↓

Hey. This isn't where I parked my car.

parked

↓

Oi!

↓

Who the bloody hell are you?

bloody

↓

This is a private members' bar, exclusively for the supporters

members private supporters

↓

of the greatest football team in the world.

football football-team greatest team world

↓

Manchester United.

manchester manchester-united united

↓

Now please, enlighten me.

↓

Who the fuck are you?

fuck

↓

That is a good question, and... Scotty?

question scotty

↓

We're the Manchester United Fan Club...

club manchester manchester-united united

↓

from Ohio.

ohio

↓

If you're Manchester United supporters,

manchester manchester-united supporters united

↓

sing the Manchester United song.

manchester manchester-united sing song united

↓

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

excuse

↓

- I'm not much of a singer... - Sing!

sing singer

↓

My baby takes the morning train

baby morning takes train

↓

He works from 9:00 to 5:00 and then

works

↓

He takes another home again

another home takes

↓

To find me...

↓

Watching the Manchester United Football team,

football football-team manchester manchester-united team united watching

↓

the best freaking team in all the land!

best freaking land team

↓

Pretty good. Pretty dang good, lads!

dang lads

↓

Yeah!

↓

I've unblocked your email address,

address email

↓

but this Scott is not responding.

responding scott

↓

He was the one.

↓

I was going to give myself to him.

↓

Perhaps you should give yourself to someone else...

perhaps

↓

Fräulein.

↓

I'm never drinking again.

drinking

↓

- Coop, wake up. - Man, that was a wild night.

coop night wake wild

↓

You think?

↓

Scotty, where the hell are we going?

scotty

↓

Don't worry. If anything bad happens, my parents will find us.

happens parents worry

↓

Honey, where's Scotty?

honey scotty

↓

- Cooper said they were going camping. - Oh, that's nice.

camping cooper

↓

- And where's Bert? - Fuck if I know.

bert fuck

↓

Hey! How are you, you scallywag?

↓

Look, given the current geopolitical climate,

climate current given

↓

all European countries should have a seat at the table.

countries european european-countries seat table

↓

- Right. - Except those fucking Ities.

except fucking

↓

I hate them Italian bastards.

bastards hate italian

↓

- You know what I mean? - Excuse me.

excuse

↓

- Hello, boyo. - What the hell happened last night?

happened night

↓

You got steamed up, pissed as a fart.

fart pissed steamed

↓

Too much sauce, son. Don't worry.

sauce worry

↓

I come and got ya so you wouldn't miss the trip.

miss trip

↓

- What trip? Where are we going? - What do you mean, where are we going?

trip

↓

We're going to see the Mighty Reds do the Frogs in Paris.

frogs mighty paris reds

↓

- Aren't we, boys? - Yeah!

boys

↓

Why are you yelling at me?

yelling

↓

So I tell the swamp donkey to suck it

donkey suck swamp

↓

before I give her a tonk in the tradesman's entrance

entrance

↓

and have her lick me yarbles.

lick

↓

Wow. You guys are on like a completely different level of swearing over here.

completely level swearing

↓

Coop? Cooper, we're going to Paris.

coop cooper paris

↓

- I know. Cecil told me. - Mieke's in Berlin.

berlin miekes

↓

We're not going to Berlin. What are we gonna do? We need a plan.

berlin plan

↓

See what I'm talking about? This is predictable Scotty talking.

predictable scotty

↓

Relax. Paris is practically a suburb of Berlin. It's a nothing commute.

berlin commute paris practically relax

↓

This is why France and Germany have always been allies.

allies france germany

↓

Allies.

allies

↓

The twins. The twins are in Paris, right? We could give them a call.

paris twins

↓

They could help. Let me see your phone. I'll give them a call.

phone

↓

All right, but I'm really only supposed to use this for business calls. I don't--

business calls supposed

↓

You're on the wrong side of the road, you snail-eating puffs.

eating puffs road side snail

↓

Fuck off! Go on, you Gaelic fucking garlic-breath tossers!

breath fuck fucking garlic

↓

Piss off! Get in here and say that, you Froggy Itie shities!

froggy piss

↓

Fucking beep? We'll beep, you bastard, all over your fucking nose!

bastard beep fucking nose

↓

Get out of the way. Piss off!

piss

↓

Hey, lads! That wanker's got a Frog football shirt on.

football frog lads shirt wankers

↓

Let's give this nancy a fucking good kicking!

fucking kicking nancy

↓

Come on, lads. It's going off!

lads

↓

All right. Twins said they'd meet us here.

meet theyd twins

↓

- Hey. There they are. - Look at that.

↓

Come on. Jenny!

jenny

↓

- Jamie! - Hey.

jamie

↓

- Come here! - No, no, no!

↓

Scott...

scott

↓

Thank you. Thank you. What is that, a new camera?

camera

↓

This isn't just a camera, this is a Leica M7.

camera

↓

- Yeah. - Uber-sensitive exposure settings,

exposure sensitive settings uber

↓

legendary cloth shutter system.

legendary shutter system

↓

- Let me see that thing. - No can do.

↓

I spent the last four years tutoring lacrosse players to pay for it,

four four-years lacrosse players spent years

↓

so nobody touches my camera but me.

camera nobody touches

↓

- So it's like your wiener. - No, it's not like my--

wiener

↓

- Jenny. - Cooper, leave him alone.

alone cooper jenny

↓

Wow, Scotty. I still can't believe you came all the way to Europe for a girl.

believe europe girl scotty

↓

Wait, not just any girl. Show her the picture, Scotty.

girl picture scotty

↓

She makes every girl in our high school look like a walrus.

girl makes school walrus

↓

- I'm a girl from your high school. - No, I mean "girl" girls.

girl girls school

↓

Guys, we're wasting the whole day here. We're in Paris.

paris wasting whole

↓

- Let's go to the Louvre. - To the Louvre!

↓

So, you guys wanna stay here,

↓

or should we check out the huge line at the Eiffel Tower?

check huge line tower

↓

Here's a fun fact: Voltaire contracted syphilis just two blocks from here.

blocks fact fun syphilis

↓

- Should we go? - Can we please just get out of here?

↓

- This guy's really creeping me out. - Who, Robot Man?

robot

↓

He's just trying to feed his robot family.

family feed robot

↓

- I really don't like him. - Why?

↓

Because he's doing this?

↓

All right. Okay, seriously, don't do that.

↓

Cooper. Do not hate me.

cooper hate

↓

I am familiar with over 600 dance moves and I am programmed to get...

dance familiar moves programmed

↓

freaky.

freaky

↓

You're just upset because people like me better. It's okay.

upset

↓

Fight! Fight!

fight fight-fight

↓

Sweep the leg, Scott!

scott sweep

↓

Don't look in his eyes, Scotty. Don't look in his eyes.

eyes scotty

↓

That was not cool.

cool

↓

Guys, let's go. Come on.

↓

Error! Error! Error!

error

↓

How cool is this? It's a shame we only get to spend one day together.

cool shame spend

↓

- Why don't you come to Berlin with us? - No.

berlin

↓

Jamie, come on. In a few months, we're all going off to different colleges.

colleges jamie months

↓

This could be the last chance that the four of us are together like this.

chance four

↓

Plus, we're in Europe, huh?

europe plus

↓

This should be the trip of a lifetime. There's no way we should split up.

lifetime split trip

↓

All right, this table is now Europe, okay?

europe table

↓

- Okay. - Excuse me.

excuse

↓

We are right here, in Paris, and I have got to get to Mieke,

mieke paris

↓

who is over here in Berlin.

berlin

↓

And Jamie, if you come with us,

jamie

↓

I'm sure there's a ton of great stuff to see along the way.

along stuff

↓

- We can go to Denmark. - I love Denmark.

love

↓

- We've gotta hit Amsterdam. - Definitely.

amsterdam

↓

And the cathedral at Camaret.

cathedral

↓

- Yeah. - Maybe. We'll see.

↓

- Whatever. - If there's time.

↓

Come on. I really want you to be there when I meet Mieke.

meet mieke

↓

Fine.

↓

- Excellent! - All right.

excellent

↓

A toast.

toast

↓

- A toast. - Yes.

toast

↓

- To Mieke. - To Europe.

europe mieke

↓

To Europe!

europe

↓

- Berlin, here we come. - All right.

berlin

↓

You better let me hold on to those.

↓

- What the hell is that? - It's a traveler's money belt.

belt money travelers

↓

Frommer's says as long as you have one of these, no one can rob you of anything.

frommers

↓

- Except your dignity. - No, you just put that in your...

dignity except

↓

- Wait. What? - Come on, guidebook. Let's go.

guidebook

↓

Check it out. European ass.

check european

↓

What's up?

↓

Jesus, Jenny. I thought you were some girl.

girl jenny jesus

↓

Come on. Platform four.

four platform

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

Damn.

↓

I believe this is yours.

believe

↓

Pleased to meet you. My name is Christoph.

meet name pleased

↓

- Jenny, let's go! - Come on. Move it!

jenny

↓

Those are my friends. We're supposed to get on a train to Berlin.

berlin friends supposed train

↓

- Jenny! - I'm coming!

coming jenny

↓

So, it was really nice to meet you.

meet

↓

The pleasure was all mine...

pleasure

↓

Jennifer.

jennifer

↓

Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me

fiona scotty

↓

Do it in my van on Sundays

sundays

↓

Tells him she's...

tells

↓

What?

↓

You gotta admit, it's a really catchy tune.

admit catchy tune

↓

Tells him she's in church But she doesn't go

church tells

↓

Still she's on her knees And Scotty doesn't know

knees scotty

↓

Scotty doesn't know

scotty

↓

Scotty doesn't...

scotty

↓

You know, there are a lot of other empty compartments.

empty

↓

Pardon me.

pardon

↓

Hi.

↓

What the hell are you doing?

↓

No! No, no, no, no.

↓

Uh-oh.

↓

- What? - Big tunnel.

tunnel

↓

Who's touching me? Scotty, is that you?

scotty touching

↓

- Whose hand is that? Who's touching me? - Scotty?

hand scotty touching

↓

Scotty!

scotty

↓

Crans Sur Mer.

↓

We change trains here.

change trains

↓

Well, we got a couple of hours to kill.

couple hours kill

↓

What's there to see in this town?

town

↓

Hello? The Monument des Poissonnières.

monument

↓

It's a monument to all the local fishermen that were lost at sea.

local lost monument

↓

Frommer's says it's supposed to be "quite moving."

frommers moving supposed

↓

What the hell is wrong with you, C-3PO?

↓

We're here to see Europe, not some crappy statue.

crappy europe statue

↓

I'm taking a nap. Wake me up when the train gets here.

train wake

↓

Says here this town has a famous nude beach.

beach famous nude town

↓

All right, look, we can't all just lie around all day.

↓

We've gotta get out there and experience the culture firsthand.

culture experience

↓

Let's go exploring.

↓

So, what's the etiquette on boners?

boners

↓

Do I roll over and dig out a hole for it, or is it cool to just let my flag fly?

cool flag hole roll

↓

Wait, wait, wait...

↓

Does "nude beach" mean we have to get naked too?

beach naked nude

↓

Of course.

course

↓

Do you think you can go an hour without your currency colostomy bag?

hour

↓

Hey. As long as this thing has our money and our passports in it,

money passports

↓

it's not coming off, and I don't think my trunks are coming off either.

coming trunks

↓

Come on, Jamie. You came all the way to Europe.

europe jamie

↓

Can't wimp out now.

↓

- Okay. - All right, on the count of three.

count three

↓

Here we go.

↓

Three, two, one...

three

↓

Look at Jamie's penis!

jamies penis

↓

- Very funny. Very funny. - All right.

funny

↓

Let the crazy European sex odyssey begin.

begin crazy crazy-european european

↓

- Here we go. - Really?

↓

Yes.

↓

Hello, ladies!

ladies

↓

- Ladies? - Bitches?

bitches ladies

↓

What a rip! There's no nude girls here, just guys like us looking for nude girls.

girls looking nude

↓

I don't understand.

↓

"Crans Sur Mer has one of the best nude beaches on the continent.

beaches best nude

↓

However...

↓

during the summer months, all the European women

european months summer women

↓

are chased away by gawking male tourists,

chased male tourists

↓

so Europe's most nubile exhibitionists head to the deserted beach

beach head nubile

↓

right next to the Monument des Poissonnières."

monument

↓

There's so many penises.

penises

↓

Frommer's tried to tell you, but you just didn't listen.

frommers tried

↓

This is the biggest sausage fest on earth.

biggest earth fest sausage

↓

It's the international house of sausage.

house international sausage

↓

Hey!

↓

Thanks for waiting.

thanks waiting

↓

Well, it's not like you're missing anything. It's all guys.

missing

↓

At least the sun's out.

least suns

↓

Holy crap!

holy

↓

What? I thought this was a nude beach.

beach nude

↓

No!

↓

- No, no. No, Jenny, you gotta cover up. - What are you doing?

cover jenny

↓

- Cover up, cover up. - Why?

cover

↓

Girl?

girl

↓

Girl!

girl

↓

Girl. Girl.

girl

↓

Girl. Girl.

girl

↓

Run!

↓

I'm not gonna make it. Go on without me.

↓

All right. See you.

↓

Are you reading Mieke's old emails again?

emails miekes reading

↓

Yeah.

↓

I have no idea what I'm going to say to that girl when I see her.

girl idea

↓

You know, she said I might be the one?

might

↓

That's huge. I've never been "the one" before.

huge

↓

Thought I was "the one" with Fiona, but it turns out I was, what, 101?

fiona turns

↓

- 200. - 200.

↓

Look, you got nothing to worry about.

worry

↓

You'll show up and sweep her off her German feet.

feet german sweep

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

Yeah.

↓

I will, won't I?

↓

I'm so sad and lonely.

lonely

↓

I just wish someone would show up and sweep me off my German feet.

feet german sweep wish

↓

Mieke. I'm here.

mieke

↓

Scotty!

scotty

↓

Mieke, listen, about that last email, I'm so sorry...

email mieke

↓

The past is the past. You're here now.

past

↓

I've been saving myself for you.

saving

↓

Let us make love for one whole month.

love month whole

↓

Touch me, Scotty.

scotty touch

↓

Okay.

↓

Oh, Scott...

scott

↓

So, guys, our train doesn't leave until tomorrow morning.

morning tomorrow tomorrow-morning train

↓

Where are we gonna sleep tonight?

sleep tonight

↓

What do you mean, sleep? We can sleep on the train tomorrow.

sleep tomorrow train

↓

This is the best thing that could have happened to us. We're in Amsterdam.

amsterdam best happened

↓

This is the drug and sex capital of Europe. Take a look at this.

capital drug europe

↓

"Club Vandersexxx.

club

↓

The red light district's hottest sex club."

club hottest light

↓

We have to check it out. Who's with me?

check

↓

I'll go.

↓

Fine. Since no one else is willing to go, I'll just go myself.

willing

↓

This is definitely where I parked my car.

parked

↓

Hello, there.

↓

Welcome to Club Vandersexxx, Amsterdam's most erotic club,

club erotic welcome

↓

where your every fantasy will be fulfilled.

fantasy

↓

Also says I get a free T-shirt with flyer.

flyer free shirt

↓

He's American.

american

↓

How sad for you to grow up in a country that was founded by prudes.

country founded grow prudes

↓

A country overrun with crime and illiteracy.

country crime illiteracy overrun

↓

A country where a man is forced to make sex to only one woman at a time,

country forced woman

↓

and one must learn the woman's name beforehand.

beforehand learn must must-learn name womans

↓

- It was horrible. - I know.

horrible

↓

But you can come with me and let the Vandersexxx begin.

begin

↓

I can't believe we're doing this.

believe

↓

Don't worry. Hash brownies are totally legal here.

brownies hash legal worry

↓

You're gonna enjoy these, man. These are magical.

enjoy magical

↓

- You wanna do this? - Yeah.

↓

- Hi. - Hi.

↓

I need a new battery for my camera.

battery camera

↓

And while you're at it, it could also use a thorough cleaning.

cleaning

↓

Wow. Is that a Leica M6?

↓

Actually, it's an M7. It's got the built-in light meter.

built light meter

↓

It's so beautiful. So sleek, so powerful.

powerful

↓

How's the new lens system?

lens system

↓

Makes a Nikon look like a disposable.

makes

↓

You really know your cameras.

cameras

↓

- And you're very cute. - Me? Really?

cute

↓

I'm going on break.

break

↓

I was going to step out back and have a cigarette. Would you like to join me?

cigarette join step

↓

I don't smoke.

smoke

↓

Neither do I.

↓

- Hold on, hold on. - What is it?

↓

- This is great. - You're so innocent.

innocent

↓

Let's change that, shall we?

change

↓

What would you like me to do?

↓

Well, I don't really know.

↓

I guess I haven't really done that much.

↓

I haven't really found the time, with all my extracurriculars,

found

↓

and model UN, advanced placement classes, after-school tutoring.

advanced classes model placement school

↓

Gosh, you really like cameras.

cameras gosh

↓

Sometimes, we find that our clients are so overwhelmed with the pleasure,

clients overwhelmed pleasure sometimes

↓

that they sometimes scream out, "no," when really they mean "yes."

scream sometimes

↓

And this is why we have the safe word.

safe safe-word word

↓

The safe word?

safe safe-word word

↓

If at any time the ecstasy gets too great, you just use the safe word.

ecstasy safe safe-word word

↓

Until we hear the safe word, we will not stop.

safe safe-word word

↓

Yeah, right. Stop. All right.

↓

We're going to start slowly,

slowly start

↓

teasing you with a little light erotic foreplay.

erotic foreplay light teasing

↓

Oh, yes, ladies.

ladies

↓

On, on, Vandersexxx!

↓

Hans! Gruber!

hans

↓

Hi.

↓

So, are the girls coming back?

coming girls

↓

Administer the testicle clamps!

administer testicle

↓

What? Hey!

↓

Safe word.

safe safe-word word

↓

What is that? That's not a word, it's a...

word

↓

- Okay, mister, don't move. - Excuse me?

excuse mister

↓

- Shut the hell up. - Oh, brother. Please don't hurt me.

brother hurt

↓

Oh, no, you're fine. That's good. You're fine.

↓

Give me cash. You got cash? Give me cash.

cash

↓

Take it all, you dirty girl.

dirty girl

↓

What? Your wallet! Focus!

focus wallet

↓

Give it to me.

↓

I love you! I love you!

love

↓

I love you! I love you!

love

↓

What's so funny?

funny

↓

I'm really hungry. I think I've got the munchies.

hungry munchies

↓

Excuse me.

excuse

↓

It's hot in here. You hot? 'Cause I'm really hot.

↓

- Good. - Okay, I can't breathe. God.

breathe

↓

I'm freaking out. I think we got a bad batch 'cause I'm freaking out.

batch freaking

↓

I can't... I can't do this.

↓

I saw a gay porno once. I didn't know until halfway in.

halfway porno

↓

The girls never came. The girls never came!

girls

↓

I am freaking out!

freaking

↓

- Is everything all right with you, man? - No, nothing's all right.

nothings

↓

You sold us a bad batch of hash brownies.

batch brownies hash sold

↓

You're a bad Rastafarian.

↓

These are not hash brownies.

brownies hash

↓

- What was that? - We do not serve hash brownies here.

brownies hash serve

↓

We're a simple Dutch bakery!

bakery dutch simple

↓

Now put your clothes back on, white boy.

clothes white

↓

Did you say...

↓

Yes! Yes! For the love of God.

love

↓

- Are you sure? - Yes, please.

↓

As you wish.

wish

↓

Bring on the...

bring

↓

Wait, what?

↓

Uh-oh.

↓

No, no, no! I didn't say...

↓

I said...

↓

What did you do last night?

night

↓

I don't want to talk about it. What did you guys do?

↓

- Don't want to talk about it. - Don't want to talk about it.

↓

What is that?

↓

Free T-shirt.

free shirt

↓

Hey, guys.

↓

What happened to you?

happened

↓

I got robbed.

robbed

↓

It was awesome!

awesome

↓

All our money, our passports, our tickets, everything, gone.

gone money passports tickets

↓

How the hell could this happen?

happen

↓

We all go to Amsterdam, and Jamie's the one who hooks up.

amsterdam hooks jamies

↓

For shame!

shame

↓

That's me.

↓

Coop here. Sorry.

coop

↓

Hello, Mr. Walters.

walters

↓

What do you mean, you never got the Gutterman file?

file

↓

I told Humphrey to give it to you.

↓

That's hogwash. I handed it to him myself yesterday.

handed yesterday

↓

Yes, sir, I will tell Humphrey to report to your office immediately. Bye.

immediately office report

↓

This job's killing me.

jobs killing

↓

Let me handle this. I speak bad German.

german handle speak

↓

- What did he say? - He said he's driving.

driving

↓

Something.

↓

Yeah.

↓

Berlin?

berlin

↓

- Berlin? - Berlin.

berlin

↓

- He's going to Berlin. - Awesome!

awesome berlin

↓

- All right! Berlin. - Come on, let's go!

berlin

↓

Next stop, Berlin.

berlin

↓

Beautiful. We made it to Berlin.

berlin

↓

Berlin!

berlin

↓

- Bratislava? - Yeah. Bratislava!

↓

Dear sweet mother of God, we're in eastern Europe.

dear eastern europe mother sweet

↓

Excuse me.

excuse

↓

Do you speak any English?

english speak

↓

- You are Americans? - Yeah.

americans

↓

I love America.

america love love-america

↓

We just get Miami Vice on television.

miami miami-vice television vice

↓

Hey, man, Miami Vice is number-one new show.

miami miami-vice number vice

↓

Yeah. Listen, we're trying to get to Berlin, Germany.

berlin germany

↓

Do you know if there's a train coming anytime soon?

anytime coming train

↓

Yes, very soon. They are building it now.

building

↓

Stop! Hammer time!

hammer

↓

Enjoy Bratislava. It's good you came in summer.

enjoy summer

↓

In winter, it can get very depressing.

depressing winter

↓

We gotta figure something out. How much money do we have?

figure money

↓

Frommer's travel tip.

frommers travel

↓

I don't have anything. What? I got no-- Fine.

↓

A dollar and 83 cents American.

american cents dollar

↓

What are we gonna get with that?

↓

Gotta love that exchange rate.

exchange love rate

↓

Happy Juice.

happy juice

↓

Now with less pulp.

less pulp

↓

Dinner is served. Would the masters care for anything else?

care dinner masters served

↓

Think we're good. Thanks.

thanks

↓

A nickel.

nickel

↓

You see this?

↓

I quit.

quit

↓

I open my own hotel.

hotel open

↓

So, we got 27 cents left.

cents left

↓

What is there to do in this town?

town

↓

Don't tell Scotty

scotty

↓

Scotty doesn't know

scotty

↓

Hey. This song sounds familiar.

familiar song sounds sounds-familiar

↓

Jenny, let me check your coat.

check coat jenny

↓

- Hey! - Jenny!

jenny

↓

That outfit is horrible! Just take it off, now!

horrible outfit

↓

No, but I will let you buy me a drink.

drink

↓

Excuse me?

excuse

↓

You're the woman from the Paris train station, aren't you?

paris station train train-station woman

↓

- My name is... - Christoph.

name

↓

Yes.

↓

- What are you doing here? - This is my place.

place

↓

My family owns many nightclubs throughout Europe.

europe family owns throughout

↓

I'd be honored if you'd join me in my VIP room for a drink.

drink honored join room

↓

Okay.

↓

Bye, Cooper.

cooper

↓

- What's that? - It's absinthe.

↓

Frommer's says it's illegal in the States

frommers illegal states

↓

because it makes you hallucinate and go crazy.

crazy makes

↓

They call it "The Green Fairy."

fairy green

↓

My family has a yacht in the Aegean.

family yacht

↓

Come with me, Jennifer. We will sail away together.

jennifer sail

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

We will swim with dolphins, and sip champagne by moonlight.

champagne dolphins moonlight swim

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

We will spend the day sunbathing, drinking wine.

drinking drinking-wine spend sunbathing wine

↓

My wife makes the best sangria.

best makes wife

↓

- Wait. What? - Sangria.

↓

You take a good Spanish Rioja, and you put in slices of orange and...

orange slices spanish

↓

No, no, wait. You said you were married?

married

↓

So, you just go around Europe, sleeping with every woman you meet?

europe meet sleeping woman

↓

No. Please, Jennifer. It is not like that.

jennifer

↓

I also sleep with men.

sleep

↓

I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.

feeling

↓

- Me neither. - Sober as a judge.

judge sober

↓

- How about you? - I'm not feeling a goddamn thing.

feeling goddamn

↓

- This absinthe is bullshit. - I hear you, my brother.

brother bullshit

↓

I'm outta here.

outta

↓

Excuse me.

excuse

↓

- Hey. So where's Christoph? - Shut up.

↓

- Europe! - Europe!

europe

↓

Europe!

europe

↓

- So, tomorrow, Berlin. - Tomorrow, Mieke.

berlin mieke tomorrow

↓

- Check it out. - No way!

check

↓

Jamie's hooking up with another girl? Goddamn it!

another girl goddamn goddamn-it hooking jamies

↓

It's just so unfair. I've been all over the place,

place unfair

↓

looking for crazy European sex, and he's the one who ends up getting--

crazy crazy-european ends european looking

↓

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!

↓

That is some pretty fucked-up shit.

fucked

↓

Can you say, "What the fuck did I do last night?"

fuck night

↓

They really are the worst twins ever.

twins worst

↓

That was a pretty wild night, eh?

night wild

↓

Yep. Pretty wild, pretty wild.

wild

↓

I know I was out of control.

control

↓

How about you guys? Did you...

↓

All right, look. We were really drunk,

drunk

↓

things got a little crazy, and Jamie kissed me.

crazy jamie kissed

↓

Let's just forget about it, okay?

forget

↓

- Consider it forgotten. - Never happened.

consider forgotten happened

↓

- Never happened. - Fine.

happened

↓

Let's just forget about it. It's not like you two had sex.

forget

↓

Have you had sex?

↓

- Shut up, Cooper! - Jamie, relax.

cooper jamie relax

↓

- Cooper, please? - Okay, fine. I'll give it a rest.

cooper rest

↓

Jamie, can I borrow your Frommer's?

borrow frommers jamie

↓

Here it is. Bratislava. Capital of Slovakia.

capital

↓

Oh, here's a fun fact.

fact fun

↓

You made out with your sister, man!

sister

↓

- Shut up! Shut up! - Like two dogs in heat.

dogs heat

↓

My friends, where is the beef?

beef friends

↓

You go to Berlin? I'm your ride. Hop in.

berlin ride

↓

Hey. This is Mieke's apartment building.

apartment building miekes

↓

Wish me all sorts of luck, guys.

luck sorts wish

↓

You'll do great, Scotty.

scotty

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

I came all this way. I'm not gonna miss this.

miss

↓

- Dude, Mieke's hideous. Run! - Stop.

hideous miekes

↓

Hi, my name is Scott Thomas.

name scott thomas

↓

I'm from America, and I'm here to see Mieke.

america mieke

↓

- I'm sorry, but Mieke's not here. - Do you know where she is?

miekes

↓

She's gone for the summer.

gone summer

↓

My daughter had intended to spend the summer in America,

america daughter intended spend summer

↓

looking at colleges and visiting some friends.

colleges friends looking visiting

↓

But several days ago, she suddenly changed her mind.

changed days mind several several-days suddenly

↓

She would not tell me why.

↓

I think I know why.

↓

This is Heinrich. He's Mieke's stepbrother.

heinrich miekes

↓

As I was saying, she packed up her bag and left.

left packed

↓

- It was all very sudden. - Do you know where Mieke is right now?

mieke sudden

↓

As you know, she's always been very interested in the classics,

classics interested

↓

Greek and Roman literature and history,

greek history literature roman

↓

and she has always enjoyed the ocean,

enjoyed ocean

↓

so she found a program that combines all her interests.

found interests program

↓

Do you know where she is?

↓

She enrolled in a Summer at Sea program, based in Rome.

based enrolled program rome summer

↓

Rome.

rome

↓

Okay, then I guess we'll go to Rome then.

rome

↓

Well, unfortunately, Mieke's only in Rome for orientation.

miekes orientation rome unfortunately

↓

Tomorrow, her group will be boarding a boat and she'll be gone for the summer

boarding boat gone group shell summer tomorrow

↓

and she'll be quite unreachable.

shell unreachable

↓

Unreachable.

unreachable

↓

Mieke's tour group goes to the Vatican tomorrow,

group miekes tomorrow tour vatican

↓

then she gets on that boat and she's gone.

boat gone

↓

So, it's over?

↓

Hey. Thanks for sticking with me through all this, guys,

sticking thanks

↓

but you should probably call your parents,

parents

↓

have them wire you some money and go home.

home money wire

↓

What are you gonna do?

↓

I'm going to Rome.

rome

↓

I'll walk, I'll hitchhike,

walk

↓

I'll swim if I have to, but I'm gonna get to Mieke somehow.

mieke swim

↓

- Maybe that'll help. - Where'd you get all that?

thatll whered

↓

Wait. Where's your Leica?

↓

- Sold it. - What?

sold

↓

You sold your Leica? But you loved that thing.

loved sold

↓

What about your photo tour of Europe? What about the châteaus?

europe photo tour

↓

Châteaus have been there for 300 years. Mieke's gone in 12 hours.

gone hours miekes years

↓

Come on. Let's go!

↓

Frommer's says to check in three hours before any international flight.

check flight frommers hours international three three-hours

↓

Come here, guidebook!

guidebook

↓

We're going to Rome. We're going to Rome!

rome

↓

All right, Summer at Sea group.

group summer

↓

Our tour begins in the Vatican Museum. This way, please.

begins museum tour vatican

↓

There it is.

↓

This entrance is for private tour groups only.

entrance groups private tour

↓

But we are a private tour group. We've come all the way from America.

america group private tour

↓

That guy in the orange jacket is mentally retarded.

jacket mentally orange retarded

↓

Sì, I can tell.

↓

How very, very sad.

↓

Yes, it is.

↓

But if you are a tour, where is your guide?

guide tour

↓

We've got a fantastic tour guide.

fantastic guide tour

↓

- Right here. - What? No...

↓

The Vatican has been used as a papal residence

residence used vatican

↓

ever since the time of Emperor Constantine the Great in the 5th century AD.

century emperor

↓

Okay. If you'll all follow me, please.

follow

↓

Have a very special day

special

↓

for a very special little man.

special

↓

Okay.

↓

I can't believe that guy let us in. What a retard.

believe retard

↓

Okay. Let's find Mieke.

mieke

↓

One of our English-speaking tour guides has called in sick.

called english sick speaking tour

↓

Could you please take these peoples also?

peoples

↓

- How big is Vatican City? - 0.5 square kilometers.

city square vatican

↓

- Who built the colonnades? - Gian Lorenzo Bernini, 1656.

built

↓

- Where are the bathrooms? - Floors two, six and seven.

bathrooms floors seven

↓

Next, I'll take you to where the College of Cardinals elects a new pope.

college pope

↓

When this happens, white smoke is sent up from the Vatican...

happens sent smoke vatican white

↓

Mieke's gotta be around here somewhere.

miekes

↓

Let's go.

↓

Behind me is the Appartamento Papale, or Papal Apartment.

apartment behind

↓

We're obviously not permitted in there.

obviously

↓

Excuse me, miss. What is this?

excuse miss

↓

That is the Bell of San Marco.

bell marco

↓

When the pope dies, the Cardinal Vicar of Rome

dies pope rome

↓

rings this bell to notify the people of Rome.

bell notify rings rome

↓

Next, we will view the Sistine Chapel. Follow me, please.

follow view

↓

Come on. I think I heard them. Which way did they go?

heard

↓

That way. I'd stake my reputation on it.

reputation stake

↓

Good enough for me.

↓

Hey, check it out. I wonder what this does.

check wonder

↓

It doesn't do anything, It's a rope. Come on, let's go.

rope

↓

They got a lot of old stuff here.

stuff

↓

The Bell of San Marco.

bell marco

↓

The pope is dead.

dead pope

↓

She's not in here.

↓

Let's go. We're definitely not supposed to be here.

supposed

↓

Hey, check this out.

check

↓

- I'm the pope. - Cooper, take off the pope hat.

cooper pope

↓

- No. It's okay. I'm Catholic. - Cooper, take it off, goddamn it!

catholic cooper goddamn goddamn-it

↓

You took the Lord's name in vain.

name vain

↓

- Only I can forgive you now, my son. - Take that fudging thing off.

forgive

↓

- Coop-- - The pope breaks an open-field tackle.

breaks coop field open pope tackle

↓

It's a Hail Mary. He catches it. He's at the 40,

catches hail hail-mary mary

↓

the 30, the 20, the 10...

↓

Touchdown, pope!

pope touchdown

↓

The pope makes a two-point conversion.

makes point pope

↓

And, oh, my Lord! It's the pope 8,

lord pope

↓

and the heathens nothing!

↓

How's you, sucka?

↓

Cooper, the hat. The hat.

cooper

↓

The hat is on fire.

fire

↓

We don't need no water, let the mother--

mother water

↓

I'm not kidding. Look.

kidding

↓

Oh, holy shit!

holy

↓

I don't want this. Fireplace. Fireplace. Go, go!

fireplace

↓

White smoke! They've elected the new pope.

elected pope smoke white

↓

I'm coming to you live from Vatican Square

coming live square vatican

↓

where the College of Cardinals, in a surprise move,

college surprise

↓

has just elected a new pope. The crowd is very, very excited.

crowd elected excited pope

↓

This is so strange. Usually, they wait 15 days to elect a new pope.

days elect pope strange usually

↓

We could be seeing history in the making.

history seeing

↓

We could be seeing an arrest in the making.

arrest seeing

↓

There she is. Mieke!

mieke

↓

Hey! Stupid curtain!

curtain stupid

↓

Let me out!

↓

Mieke!

mieke

↓

It's the new pope!

pope

↓

What the hell?

↓

Mieke!

mieke

↓

Hold on!

↓

This is one crazy pope.

crazy pope

↓

You!

↓

Stop! You!

↓

You and your retarded friend,

friend retarded

↓

you're in big, big trouble.

trouble

↓

Oi!

↓

Take your mitts off them boys!

boys mitts

↓

They're with me!

↓

I've just about had enough of you fucking Ities!

fucking

↓

But I am Swiss.

swiss

↓

Them too!

↓

Now, bud, you get in there, and you say what you got to say.

↓

Mieke, I'm here. I made it.

mieke

↓

Who are you?

↓

What a fucking loser! I'm gonna videotape this.

fucking loser videotape

↓

I'm Scott. From Ohio?

ohio scott

↓

Scott? Scott Thomas?

scott thomas

↓

- Yes. - From Ohio?

ohio

↓

- What are you doing in Rome? - I came here to be with you.

rome

↓

Listen, I just traveled all the way across Europe.

europe traveled

↓

I got chased by naked men.

chased naked

↓

I ate brownies with absolutely no drugs in them.

absolutely brownies drugs

↓

I watched a brother and sister make out.

brother sister watched

↓

I kicked a robot in the balls, but I did it all so that...

balls kicked robot

↓

so I could tell you one thing.

↓

I love you, Mieke.

love mieke

↓

We're perfect for each other. What do you think?

perfect

↓

I think...

↓

Oh, Mike... Mieke!

mieke mike

↓

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I have cheated on my husband.

cheated father forgive husband sinned

↓

Do you think God will ever forgive me?

forgive

↓

Oh, yes!

↓

Father?

father

↓

This sucks.

sucks

↓

I can't believe I'm the only one who didn't hook up while we were here.

believe hook

↓

Europe is officially the worst country on earth.

country earth europe officially worst

↓

I know. I thought I'd at least get to have some crazy European sex.

crazy crazy-european european least

↓

What?

↓

- Scott, I have to go. - Okay.

scott

↓

My boat is leaving.

boat leaving

↓

I still can't believe you came all the way here, just for me.

believe

↓

What can I say? I'm very unpredictable.

↓

- Keep writing to me, Scott, okay? - Yeah, I will.

scott writing

↓

- Go. - Bye.

↓

Yes! Yes! Yes!

↓

Hey, guys, I'm so glad we got to take this trip together.

glad trip

↓

This was the best time of my life.

best life

↓

Excuse me.

excuse

↓

You're the young man who just gave me that tour of the Vatican, aren't you?

tour vatican young

↓

- Listen, I'm very sorry... - I just wanted to thank you.

wanted

↓

You were the most knowledgeable, albeit idiosyncratic,

↓

tour guide I've ever had.

guide tour

↓

Thanks. But I'm not actually a tour guide.

guide thanks tour

↓

I've just read Frommer's enough to have it memorized.

frommers memorized read

↓

Although, I threw in a few things Frommer's didn't know about.

frommers threw

↓

- How would you like to add them? - Excuse me?

excuse

↓

That's my guidebook.

guidebook

↓

I'm Arthur Frommer.

arthur

↓

It's amazing! Frommer's is going to pay me

amazing frommers

↓

to see every museum and cathedral in Europe.

cathedral europe museum

↓

That sounds so exciting. For you.

exciting sounds

↓

Hey.

↓

I figured, since you're going to be staying, you might need this.

figured might staying

↓

- A disposable camera. - That's right.

camera

↓

- Thanks, Scotty. - That's from both of us.

scotty thanks

↓

Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know...

scotty

↓

Hello, Mr. Walters. I see.

walters

↓

Fired? Well, I...

fired

↓

Well, if that's what you want, I understand. I just...

↓

Goodbye, sir.

goodbye

↓

They had to catch you eventually, right?

catch eventually

↓

- No, they fired Humphrey. - Shut up!

fired

↓

- I got his office and a raise. - No!

office raise

↓

Flight 341 from Rome to Cleveland...

cleveland flight rome

↓

- That's you guys. - Yeah.

↓

- Have a good flight, everybody. - Come here.

everybody flight

↓

Be good.

↓

Okay.

↓

- Cooper, have a good flight. - Be good.

cooper flight

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

I'm on it.

↓

This still counts as Europe, right?

counts europe

↓

"Dear Mieke, Greece sounds incredible.

dear greece incredible mieke sounds

↓

I just moved into my dorm room today,

dorm moved room today

↓

but I can't wait to see you over Christmas break.

break christmas

↓

This time I think I'll fly to Berlin direct."

berlin direct

↓

- Hello? - Hey, buddy, how's college?

buddy college

↓

I just got here. My roommate hasn't even showed up yet.

roommate showed

↓

Do they room all you pre-med geeks together?

geeks room

↓

I'm not sure I'm going pre-med. I'm thinking about majoring in German.

german thinking

↓

German? I've got a better idea.

german idea

↓

Why don't you major in not being such a woman?

major woman

↓

- So, how's Jenny? - Jenny... Jenny who?

jenny

↓

I know a lot of ladies named Jenny, they're all...

jenny ladies named

↓

- Hey, Scotty, what's up? - Hi, Jenny.

jenny scotty

↓

Have you heard from Jamie? How's he doing with Frommer's?

frommers heard jamie

↓

Oh, no.

↓

Hold on.

↓

- Come here, robot. - Cooper, not again!

cooper robot

↓

Hold on. This could be my new roommate.

roommate

↓

What's the freak look like?

freak

↓

Is he a dork or is he cool? Better not be cooler than me.

cool cooler dork

↓

Is he bigger than me?

bigger

↓

I just got your last email. What are you doing here?

email

↓

Going to college.

college

↓

You're going to college here?

college

↓

- What dorm? - This one. Room 214.

dorm room

↓

How is this possible?

possible

↓

I guess they thought I was a guy.

↓

Now who would be dumb enough to make a mistake like that?

dumb mistake

↓

Do I hear kissing?

kissing

↓

Are you making out with your new roommate, Scotty?

roommate scotty

↓

Scotty?

scotty

↓

Scotty? Scotty!

scotty

↓

This happy ending is bullshit.

bullshit ending happy happy-ending

↓

When does the fairy get laid? I'm outta here.

fairy laid outta

↓

- Catchy tune. - Fucking-A it is.

catchy fucking tune

↓

Fiona says she's out shopping

fiona shopping

↓

But she's under me and I'm not stopping

stopping

↓

'Cause Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know

scotty

↓

Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know

scotty

↓

Hello, and welcome to Amsterdam's finest and most luxurious youth hostel.

finest luxurious welcome youth

↓

- Sounds great. - Thanks.

sounds thanks

↓

There is no bathroom, nor is there one nearby.

bathroom nearby

↓

Sorry.

↓

- You get it? Okay. - She got it.

↓

If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen,

stolen valuables wish

↓

I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now.

destroying suggest

↓

You can also try hiding your valuables in your anus.

anus hiding valuables

↓

So I'll rip away the pants and look at his dick, okay? Okay.

dick pants

↓

Ready? Quit. Shut up.

quit ready

↓

Sorry. I know I fucked it up. I fucked it up, right?

fucked

↓

Yes! You take her hair, and one strand at a time, pull it out.

hair pull

↓

Use her like a humping post.

humping post

↓

Jenny, this is Europe. They have orange juice ads with lesbians and dildos.

europe jenny juice lesbians orange orange-juice

↓

Happy Juice.

happy juice

↓

You gotta show them something they haven't seen before.

seen

↓

No, fuck!

fuck

↓

Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know

scotty

↓

Should a fire occur, due to our faulty wiring,

fire occur

↓

or the fireworks factory upstairs, you will be incinerated,

factory fireworks upstairs

↓

along with the valuables that you have hidden in your anus.

along anus hidden valuables

↓

Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know

scotty

↓

Fuck off! Get out of it, you wankers!

fuck wankers

↓

Go on, you Gaelic fucking garlic-breath tossers!

breath fucking garlic

↓

Piss off! Get in here and say that, mate!

mate piss

↓

Come on! Fucking come and have it!

fucking

↓

You fucking beep?

beep fucking

↓

We'll beep, you bastard, all over your fucking nose!

bastard beep fucking nose

↓

Fuck off! Go on, you French bastards!

bastards french fuck

↓

Get on the other side of the road, you pricks!

pricks road side

↓

Go on out of it! Fuck off!

fuck

↓

I'm knackered.

↓

Leeds supporters.

supporters

↓

No, no. Guys, help?

↓

Hey! Check these out! I'm 18 years old!

check years

↓

Scotty doesn't know! Scotty doesn't know!

scotty

↓

Scotty doesn't know! Scotty doesn't know! Scotty doesn't know!

scotty

↓

Scotty doesn't know! Scotty's gotta go!

scotty

↓

- Is it off yet? - No, keep rubbing it.

rubbing