Home » Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) » S01E01 — Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Season 1, Episode 1 — Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Whoa, there!

#1

⇓

Halt!

#2

⇓

Who goes there?

#3

⇓

It is I, Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot.

#4

⇓

King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons

#5

⇓

Sovereign of all England!

#6

⇓

Pull the other one.

#7

⇓

I am, and this is my trusty servant, Patsy.

#8

⇓

We have ridden the length of the land in search of knights

#9

⇓

who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

#10

⇓

-What? Ridden on a horse? -Yes.

#11

⇓

-You’re using coconuts! -What?

#12

⇓

You’ve got two empty halves of coconut, and you’re banging them together.

#13

⇓

So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land.

#14

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-Through the Kingdom of Mercia. -Where did you get the coconuts?

#15

⇓

We found them.

#16

⇓

Found them? In Mercia? The coconut is tropical.

#17

⇓

-What do you mean? -Well, this is a temperate zone.

#18

⇓

The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover

#19

⇓

may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.

#20

⇓

-Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? -Not at all. They could be carried.

#21

⇓

-What? A swallow carrying a coconut? -It could grip it by the husk.

#22

⇓

It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple question of weight ratio. I

#23

⇓

A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut.

#24

⇓

It doesn’t matter. Go tell your master that Arthur from Camelot is here.

#25

⇓

In order to maintain air-speed velocity,

#26

⇓

a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?

#27

⇓

Please! -Am I right?

#28

⇓

-I'm not interested. -It could be carried by an African swallow.

#29

⇓

Oh, yes! An African swallow, maybe. Not a European swallow. That’s my point.

#30

⇓

I agree with that.

#31

⇓

Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?

#32

⇓

But then, of course, African swallows are non-migratory.

#33

⇓

Oh, yes. They couIdnt bring a coconut, anyway.

#34

⇓

Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?

#35

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-No, they’d have to have it on a line. -Simple. They’d use a strand of creeper.

#36

⇓

-Held under the dorsal guiding feathers? Why not?

#37

⇓

Bring out your dead!

#38

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Ninepence.

#39

⇓

-Bring out your dead. -Here's one.

#40

⇓

Ninepence.

#41

⇓

-I’m not dead! -What?

#42

⇓

-Nothing. Here’s your ninepence. -I’m not dead!

#43

⇓

-He says he’s not dead. -Yes, he is.

#44

⇓

not! -He isn’t?

#45

⇓

-He will be soon. He’s very ill. -I’m getting better!

#46

⇓

You’ll be stone dead in a moment

#47

⇓

I can’t take him like that. It’s against regulations.

#48

⇓

-I don’t want to go on the cart. -Don’t be such a baby.

#49

⇓

-I can’t take him. -l feel fine.

#50

⇓

-Well, do us a favor. I can’t.

#51

⇓

Can you hang around a few minutes? He won’t be long.

#52

⇓

Got to go to the Robinsons. They’ve lost nine today.

#53

⇓

-When’s your next round? -Thursday.

#54

⇓

-l think I’ll go for a walk. -You’re not fooling anyone, you know.

#55

⇓

-Isn’t there something you can do? -I feel happy.

#56

⇓

-Thanks very much. -Not at all. See you on Thursday.

#57

⇓

Right.

#58

⇓

-Who’s that, then? -I don’t know. Must be a king.

#59

⇓

-Why? -He hasn’t got shit all over him.

#60

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-Old woman! -Man!

#61

⇓

Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

#62

⇓

-I’m 37. -What?

#63

⇓

-I’m 37. I’m not old. -I can’t just call you “man.”

#64

⇓

-You could say “Dennis.” -I didn’t know you were called Dennis.

#65

⇓

You didn’t bother to find out.

#66

⇓

I did say sorry about the “old woman,’ but from behind...

#67

⇓

What I object to is that you treat me like an inferior.

#68

⇓

-Well, I am king. -King? Very nice

#69

⇓

How did you get that? By exploiting the workers!

#70

⇓

By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates

#71

⇓

the economic and social differences in our societyl

#72

⇓

-If there’s ever going to be any progress. -There’s some lovely filth down here.

#73

⇓

How do you do?

#74

⇓

How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

#75

⇓

-Whose castle is that? -King of the who?

#76

⇓

-The Britons. -Who are the Britons?

#77

⇓

We all are. We’re all Britons. And l am your king.

#78

⇓

Didn’t know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

#79

⇓

You’re fooling yourself. We’re living in a dictatorship.

#80

⇓

A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class...

#81

⇓

There you go. Bringing class into it again

#82

⇓

-That’s what it’s all about. If only people... -Please, good people. I am in haste.

#83

⇓

Who lives in that castle?

#84

⇓

-No one lives there -Who is your lord?

#85

⇓

-We don’t have a lord. -What?

#86

⇓

I told you. We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune.

#87

⇓

We take turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

#88

⇓

Yes. -But all the decisions of that officer

#89

⇓

-are ratified at a biweekly meeting. -Yes, I see.

#90

⇓

-By a majority in the case of internal affairs. -Be quietl

#91

⇓

-By a two-thirds majority in the case of. -Be quietr I order you to be quiet.

#92

⇓

“Order.” Who does he think he is’

#93

⇓

-I am your king! -I didn’t vote for you.

#94

⇓

-You don’t vote for kings. -How did you become king then?

#95

⇓

The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite,

#96

⇓

held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water,

#97

⇓

signifying, by divine providence, that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.

#98

⇓

That is why I’m your king!

#99

⇓

Listen. Strange women lying in ponds, distributing swords, is no basis

#100

⇓

for a system of government. Supreme executive power

#101

⇓

derives from a mandate from the masses. Not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

#102

⇓

Be quiet!

#103

⇓

You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power

#104

⇓

‘cause some watery tart threw a sword at you.

#105

⇓

-Shut up! -If I went around saying I was an emperor

#106

⇓

because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away!

#107

⇓

-Will you shut up? -See the violence inherent in the system.

#108

⇓

-Shut up! -See the violence inherent in the system!

#109

⇓

-Help, I’m being repressed! -Bloody peasant!

#110

⇓

What a giveaway. Did you hear that?

#111

⇓

That’s what Im on about. Did you see him repressing me?

#112

⇓

You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.

#113

⇓

I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

#114

⇓

I seek the finest and bravest knights in the land to join me in Camelot.

#115

⇓

You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?

#116

⇓

You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.

#117

⇓

None shall pass.

#118

⇓

-What? -None shall pass.

#119

⇓

I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.

#120

⇓

Then you shall die.

#121

⇓

I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside.

#122

⇓

I move for no man.

#123

⇓

So be it!

#124

⇓

Now, stand aside, worthy adversary.

#125

⇓

-‘Tis but a scratch. -‘'A scratch”? Your arms off.

#126

⇓

-No, it isn’t. -Well, what’s that, then?

#127

⇓

-I’ve had worse. -You liar.

#128

⇓

Come on, you pansy!

#129

⇓

Victory is mine.

#130

⇓

We thank thee, Lord, that in thy..

#131

⇓

-Come on, then. -What?

#132

⇓

Have at you.

#133

⇓

You are brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.

#134

⇓

Had enough, eh?

#135

⇓

Look, you stupid bastard. You’ve got no arms left.

#136

⇓

-Yes, I have. -Look!

#137

⇓

Just a flesh wound.

#138

⇓

-Look, stop that. -Chicken!

#139

⇓

Ill have your leg. Right!

#140

⇓

-Right! Ill do you for that. -You’ll what?

#141

⇓

-Come here. -What are you going to do? Bleed on me?

#142

⇓

-I am invincible! -You’re a loony.

#143

⇓

The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!

#144

⇓

Come on, then.

#145

⇓

All right, we’ll call it a draw.

#146

⇓

-Come, Patsy. -Oh, I see.

#147

⇓

Running away? You yellow bastard!

#148

⇓

Come back here and take what’s coming to you! I’ll bite your legs off!

#149

⇓

Pie Jesu Domine

#150

⇓

Dona els requiem

#151

⇓

Pie Jesu Domine

#152

⇓

Dona els requiem

#153

⇓

-A witch! -We found a witch.

#154

⇓

-We got a witch! -We found a witch.

#155

⇓

We’ve got a witch.

#156

⇓

Burn her!

#157

⇓

-We have found a witch. May we burn her? -Burn her!

#158

⇓

-How do you know she is a witch? -She looks like one.

#159

⇓

Bring her forward.

#160

⇓

-I am not a witch. -But you are dressed as one.

#161

⇓

-They dressed me up like this. -We didn’t!

#162

⇓

And this isn’t my nose. It’s a false one.

#163

⇓

-Well? -Well, we did do the nose.

#164

⇓

-The nose? -And the hat. But she is a witch.

#165

⇓

Burn her!

#166

⇓

-Did you dress her up like this? -No. Yes.

#167

⇓

Yes, a bit. She has got a wart.

#168

⇓

-What makes you think she is a witch? -Well, she turned me into a newt.

#169

⇓

A newt?

#170

⇓

I got better.

#171

⇓

-Burn her anyway. -Burn her!

#172

⇓

Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

#173

⇓

-Are there? What are they? Tell us. -Do they hurt?

#174

⇓

Tell me, what do you do with witches?

#175

⇓

Burn them!

#176

⇓

-What do you burn apart from witches? -More witches1

#177

⇓

-Wood. -So, why do witches burn?

#178

⇓

-‘Cause they’re made of wood? -Good.

#179

⇓

So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?

#180

⇓

-Build a bridge out of her. -Can you not also make bridges of stone?

#181

⇓

Oh, yeah.

#182

⇓

Does wood sink in water?

#183

⇓

-No. -It floats.

#184

⇓

Throw her into the pond!

#185

⇓

-What also floats in water? -Bad.

#186

⇓

-Apples. -Very small rocks.

#187

⇓

-Cider. Cherries. -Gravy. Mud.

#188

⇓

-Churches. -Lead.

#189

⇓

A duck!

#190

⇓

Exactly.

#191

⇓

So, logically...

#192

⇓

If she

#193

⇓

weighs the same as a duck...

#194

⇓

Shes made of wood.

#195

⇓

And, therefore...

#196

⇓

-A witch! -A witch!

#197

⇓

We shall use my largest scales

#198

⇓

Right. Remove the supports!

#199

⇓

-A witch! -A witch!

#200

⇓

-It’s a fair cop. -Burn her!

#201

⇓

Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?

#202

⇓

-I am Arthur, King of the Britons. -My liege.

#203

⇓

Good Sir Knight, will you come to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table?

#204

⇓

My liege, I would be honored.

#205

⇓

-What is your name? -Bedevere, my liege.

#206

⇓

Then I dub you Sir Bedevere,

#207

⇓

knight of the Round Table.

#208

⇓

The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur’s knights.

#209

⇓

But other illustrious names were soon to follow.

#210

⇓

Sir Lancelot the Brave.

#211

⇓

Sir Galahad the Pure.

#212

⇓

And Sir Robin, the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot,

#213

⇓

who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor

#214

⇓

Iwho had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol,

#215

⇓

and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill.

#216

⇓

And the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.

#217

⇓

Together they formed a band

#218

⇓

whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries.

#219

⇓

The Knights of the Round Table.

#220

⇓

That, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shared.

#221

⇓

This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere!

#222

⇓

Explain again how sheep’s bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

#223

⇓

-Certainly, sin. -Look, my liege.

#224

⇓

-Camelot. -Camelot.

#225

⇓

-Camelot. -Its only a model.

#226

⇓

Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home.

#227

⇓

Let us ride to Camelot!

#228

⇓

We’re knights of the Round Table We dance whene’er we’re able

#229

⇓

We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable

#230

⇓

We dine well here in Camelot We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot

#231

⇓

We’re knights of the Round Table Our shows are formidable

#232

⇓

But many times We’re given rhymes

#233

⇓

That are quite unsingable We’re opera mad in Camelot

#234

⇓

sing from the diaphragm a lot

#235

⇓

In war we’re tough and able

#236

⇓

Quite indefatigable

#237

⇓

Between our quests We sequin vests

#238

⇓

And impersonate Clark Gable It’s a busy life in Camelot

#239

⇓

I have to push the pram a lot

#240

⇓

No, on second thoughts, let’s not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.

#241

⇓

Right.

#242

⇓

Arthur.

#243

⇓

King of the Britons.

#244

⇓

Don ‘t grovel. If there’s one thing I can ‘t stand, it’s people groveling.

#245

⇓

- Sorry. -And don’t apologize.

#246

⇓

Evey time I talk to someone it’s “sorry this,” and, “forgive me that''

#247

⇓

and, “I’m not worthy. “

#248

⇓

-What are you doing now? -I’m averting my eyes, O Lord.

#249

⇓

Don‘t. It’s like those miserable psalms. They’re so depressing.

#250

⇓

-Now, knock it off’ Lord. -Yes,

#251

⇓

Right. Arthur, King of the Britons.

#252

⇓

Your knights of the Round Table shall have a task

#253

⇓

to make them an example in these dark times.

#254

⇓

-Good idea, O Lordl -Course it’s a good idea.

#255

⇓

Behold, Arthur, this is the Holy Grail’

#256

⇓

Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this grail.

#257

⇓

That is your purpose, Arthur.

#258

⇓

The quest for the Holy Grail.

#259

⇓

-A blessing from the Lord. -God be praised!

#260

⇓

Halt!

#261

⇓

Hello!

#262

⇓

Hello!

#263

⇓

Hello. Who is it?

#264

⇓

It is King Arthur, and these are my knights of the Round Table.

#265

⇓

Whose castle is this?

#266

⇓

This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

#267

⇓

Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God

#268

⇓

with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night,

#269

⇓

he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

#270

⇓

Well, I’ll ask him, but I don’t think he’ll be very keen.

#271

⇓

He’s already got one, you see.

#272

⇓

-What? -Hi says they’ve already got one!

#273

⇓

-Are you sure he’s got one? -Oh, yes. It’s very nice.

#274

⇓

I told him we’ve already got one.

#275

⇓

-Can we come up and have a look? -Of course not! You are English-types.

#276

⇓

-Well, what are you then? -I’m French.

#277

⇓

Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?

#278

⇓

-What are you doing in England? -Mind your own business.

#279

⇓

If you will not show us the Graill, we shall take your castle by force.

#280

⇓

You don’t frighten us, English pig-dogs!

#281

⇓

Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person.

#282

⇓

I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King.

#283

⇓

You and all your silly English knights.

#284

⇓

-What a strange person. -Now look here, my good man...

#285

⇓

I don’t want to talk to you no more

#286

⇓

you empty-headed, animal food-trough wiper.

#287

⇓

I fart in your general direction

#288

⇓

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.

#289

⇓

Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

#290

⇓

No. Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time.

#291

⇓

Now, this is your last chance. I’ve been more than reasonable...

#292

⇓

-Fetchez Ia vache! -Quoi?

#293

⇓

Fetchez Ia vache!

#294

⇓

If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall..

#295

⇓

Jesus Christ!

#296

⇓

Crikey!

#297

⇓

Right! Charge!

#298

⇓

Run away! Run away!

#299

⇓

-Fiends! I’ll tear them apart. -No, no.

#300

⇓

Sir, I have a plan, sir.

#301

⇓

-Un cadeau. -What?

#302

⇓

-A present. -Un cadeau.

#303

⇓

Oul, allons-y. Let’s go.

#304

⇓

What happens now?

#305

⇓

Well, now, Lancelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall,

#306

⇓

and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise.

#307

⇓

Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

#308

⇓

Who leaps out?

#309

⇓

Lancelot, Galahad, and I

#310

⇓

leap out of the rabbit.

#311

⇓

Look. If we built this large, wooden badger...

#312

⇓

Run away!

#313

⇓

-History for Schools. Take 8. -Action!

#314

⇓

Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur.

#315

⇓

The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise.

#316

⇓

Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required

#317

⇓

if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion.

#318

⇓

Arthur, having consulted his closest knights

#319

⇓

decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually.

#320

⇓

Now, this is what they did...

#321

⇓

Frank!

#322

⇓

So, each of the knights went their separate ways.

#323

⇓

Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing,

#324

⇓

accompanied by his favorite minstrels.

#325

⇓

Bravely bold Sir Robin Rode forth from Camelot

#326

⇓

He was not afraid to die O, Brave Sir Robin

#327

⇓

He was not at all afraid To be killed in nasty ways

#328

⇓

Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin

#329

⇓

He was not in the least bit scared To be mashed into a pulp

#330

⇓

Or to have his eyes gouged out And his elbows broken

#331

⇓

To have his kneecaps split And his body burned away

#332

⇓

And his limbs all hacked and mangled Brave Sir Robin

#333

⇓

His head smashed in And his heart cut out

#334

⇓

His liver removed And his bowels unplugged

#335

⇓

His nostrils raped, his bottom burned off And his penis...

#336

⇓

That’s enough music for now, lads.

#337

⇓

Looks like there’s dirty work afoot.

#338

⇓

Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.

#339

⇓

Dennis, forget about freedom. Don’t drop that mud.

#340

⇓

Halt! Who art thou?

#341

⇓

He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin...

#342

⇓

Shut up!

#343

⇓

Nobody, really. I was just passing through.

#344

⇓

What do you want?

#345

⇓

To fight and...

#346

⇓

Shut up!

#347

⇓

Nothing. Nothing, really.

#348

⇓

-Just to pass through, good Sir Knight. -I’m afraid not.

#349

⇓

-Actually, I am a knight of the Round Table. -You’re a knight of the Round Table?

#350

⇓

I am.

#351

⇓

-In that case, I have to kill you. -Shall I?

#352

⇓

-I don’t think so. -What do I think?

#353

⇓

-Kill him. -Let’s be nice to him.

#354

⇓

-Shut up.

#355

⇓

And you!

#356

⇓

Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off!

#357

⇓

-Cut your own head off -Yes, do us all a favor.

#358

⇓

-What? -Yapping on all the time.

#359

⇓

-You’re lucky you’re not next to him. -What do you mean?

#360

⇓

-You snore. -I don't.

#361

⇓

-You’ve got bad breath. -Only because you don’t brush my teeth.

#362

⇓

Stop bitching, and let’s go and have tea!

#363

⇓

All right! We’ll kill him first, and then have tea and biscuits.

#364

⇓

-Yes. -Not biscuits.

#365

⇓

All right! Not biscuits. But let’s kill him anyway

#366

⇓

Right.

#367

⇓

-He’s buggered off! -So he has! He’s scarpered.

#368

⇓

Brave Sir Robin ran away

#369

⇓

No!

#370

⇓

Bravely ran away, away

#371

⇓

I didn’t.

#372

⇓

When danger reared its ugly head He bravely turned his tail and fled

#373

⇓

Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about And gallantly he chickened out

#374

⇓

Bravely taking to his feet He beat a veiy brave retreat

#375

⇓

Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin

#376

⇓

I never!

#377

⇓

Pie Jesu Domine

#378

⇓

Dona els requiem

#379

⇓

Open the door.

#380

⇓

In the name of King Arthur, open the door!

#381

⇓

Hello!

#382

⇓

Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

#383

⇓

-The Castle Anthrax? -Yes.

#384

⇓

It’s not a very good name, is it?

#385

⇓

But we are nice, and we will attend to your every, every need!

#386

⇓

You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

#387

⇓

-The what? -The Grail. It is here?

#388

⇓

But you are tired, and you must rest awhile.

#389

⇓

Midget! Crapper!

#390

⇓

-Yes, O Zoot? -Prepare a bed for our guest.

#391

⇓

-Thank you, Zoot. -Thank you.

#392

⇓

Away, away, varletesses!

#393

⇓

The beds here are warm and soft, and very, very big.

#394

⇓

-Look, I... -What is your name, handsome knight?

#395

⇓

Sir Galahad the Chaste.

#396

⇓

Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot.

#397

⇓

-But come. -Please, in Gods name, show me the Grail.

#398

⇓

You have suffered much. You are delirious.

#399

⇓

-Look, I have seen it. It is here. -Sir Galahad!

#400

⇓

You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

#401

⇓

I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet, compared to yours.

#402

⇓

We’re eight score blondes and brunettes, all between 16 and 19 and a half,

#403

⇓

cut off in this castle, with no one to protect us.

#404

⇓

It is a lonely Iife.

#405

⇓

Bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear.

#406

⇓

We are just not used to handsome knights.

#407

⇓

Nay. Come. You may lie here.

#408

⇓

-But you are wounded! -No, it’s nothing!

#409

⇓

You must see the doctors immediately. Please, lie down.

#410

⇓

-Well, what seems to be the trouble? -They’re doctors?

#411

⇓

They have a basic medical training.

#412

⇓

Come, come, you must try to rest.

#413

⇓

Dr. Piglet! Dr. Winston! Practice your art.

#414

⇓

-Try to relax. -Are you sure that’s absolutely necessary?

#415

⇓

We must examine you.

#416

⇓

-There’s nothing wrong with that. -Please. We are doctors.

#417

⇓

Look, this cannot be.

#418

⇓

-I am sworn to chastity! -Back to your bedl

#419

⇓

Torment me no longer. I have seen the Grail!

#420

⇓

-There’s no Grail here. -I have seen it.

#421

⇓

-I have seen.. -Hello.

#422

⇓

Hello.

#423

⇓

Zoot! -I am Zoot’s identical twin sister, Dingo.

#424

⇓

-Where are you going? -I seek the Grail.

#425

⇓

I have seen it here in this castle!

#426

⇓

Oh, no. Bad, bad Zoot!

#427

⇓

-What is it? -Wicked, bad, naughty Zoot!

#428

⇓

She has been setting light to our beacon, which is Grail-shaped.

#429

⇓

It’s not the first time we’ve had this problem.

#430

⇓

Its not the real Grail?

#431

⇓

Wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot.

#432

⇓

She is a bad person, and must pay the penalty.

#433

⇓

Do you think this scene should have been cut?

#434

⇓

We were so worried when the boys were writing it.

#435

⇓

But now we’re glad. It’s better than some previous scenes, I think.

#436

⇓

Ours was better visually.

#437

⇓

Ours was committed. It wasn’t a string of pussy jokes.

#438

⇓

-Get on with it. -Yes. Get on with it!

#439

⇓

Get on with it!

#440

⇓

-I am enjoying this scene. -Get on with it!

#441

⇓

Wicked, wicked Zoot!

#442

⇓

She must pay the penalty.

#443

⇓

In Castle Anthrax, we have one punishment for setting alight the Grail-shaped beacon.

#444

⇓

You must tie her down on a bed, and spank her.

#445

⇓

A spanking! A spanking!

#446

⇓

You must spank her, and after you’ve spanked her, deal with her as you like.

#447

⇓

-And, then, spank me. -And me!

#448

⇓

-And me. -And me.

#449

⇓

Yes. You must give us all a good spanking!

#450

⇓

A spanking!

#451

⇓

-And, after the spanking, the oral sex. -The oral sex!

#452

⇓

Well, I could stay a bit longer.

#453

⇓

-Sir Galahad! -Hello.

#454

⇓

-Quick! You are in great peril. -Why?

#455

⇓

-No, he isn’t! -Silence, foul temptress!

#456

⇓

-She’s got a point. -We’ll cover your escape!

#457

⇓

-Look, I’m fine! -Wait, Sir Galahad!

#458

⇓

-I can tackle this lot single-handed -Yes, let him tackle us single-handed!

#459

⇓

No, Sir Galahad. Come!

#460

⇓

Honestly, I can handle this lot easily!

#461

⇓

-Yes, let him handle us easily. -Go! Quick!

#462

⇓

Wait! Please! I can defeat them! There’s only 150 of them!

#463

⇓

He’ll beat us easily. We haven’t a chance

#464

⇓

Oh, shit!

#465

⇓

-You were in great peril. -I don’t think I was.

#466

⇓

You were in terrible peril.

#467

⇓

-Let me go back, and face the peril. -No, it’s too perilous.

#468

⇓

It’s my duty to sample as much peril as I can.

#469

⇓

We’ve got to find the Holy Grail.

#470

⇓

-Let me have just a bit of peril? -No. It’s unhealthy.

#471

⇓

-I bet you’re gay. -No, I’m not.

#472

⇓

Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation.

#473

⇓

But, they were still no nearer the Grail.

#474

⇓

King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, not more than a swallow’s flight away,

#475

⇓

had discovered something.

#476

⇓

That’s an unladen swallow’s flight, obviously.

#477

⇓

They were more than two laden swallow’s flights away.

#478

⇓

Four, with a coconut on a line between them.

#479

⇓

If the birds were...

#480

⇓

Get on with it!

#481

⇓

Oh, anyway,

#482

⇓

on to Scene 24, which is a smashing scene, with some lovely acting,

#483

⇓

in which Arthur discovers a vital clue.

#484

⇓

There aren‘t any swallows but I think you can hear a...

#485

⇓

And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail?

#486

⇓

Where does he live?

#487

⇓

Old man, where does he live?

#488

⇓

He knows of a cave. A cave which no man has entered.

#489

⇓

-And the Grail. The Grail is there? -There is much danger.

#490

⇓

For beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril,

#491

⇓

which no man has ever crossed.

#492

⇓

But the Grail. Where is the Grail’?

#493

⇓

Seek you the Bridge of Death.

#494

⇓

The Bridge of Death? Which leads to the Grail?

#495

⇓

-Who are you? -We are the knights who say “Ni”!

#496

⇓

-No! Not the knights who say “Ni’? -The same!

#497

⇓

-Who are they? -We are the keepers of the sacred words.

#498

⇓

“Ni", "Peng” and “Neee Wom”!

#499

⇓

Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.

#500

⇓

The knights who say “Ni'' demand a sacrifice.

#501

⇓

Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers

#502

⇓

who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.

#503

⇓

Ni! Ni!

#504

⇓

We shall say “Ni” again to you, if you do not appease us.

#505

⇓

-What is it you want? -We want

#506

⇓

a shrubbery.

#507

⇓

A what?

#508

⇓

-Ni! Ni! -Please No more!

#509

⇓

-We will find you a shrubbery. -You must return with a shrubbery,

#510

⇓

or else you will never pass through this wood

#511

⇓

alive.

#512

⇓

Knights of Ni, you are just and fair.

#513

⇓

-We will return with a shrubbery. -One that looks nice.

#514

⇓

-Of course. -And not too expensive.

#515

⇓

-Yes. -Now go!

#516

⇓

Stop that! Stop that!

#517

⇓

Go on, clear off! Go away.

#518

⇓

And you, clear off!

#519

⇓

Bloody weather.

#520

⇓

The tale of Sir Lancelot.

#521

⇓

One day, lad, all this will be yours.

#522

⇓

-What, the curtains? -No, not the curtains.

#523

⇓

All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys.

#524

⇓

That'll be your kingdom, lad.

#525

⇓

-But, Mother. -Father, lad.

#526

⇓

-But, Father, I dont want any of that. -Listen, lad.

#527

⇓

I built this kingdom up from nothing! When I started here, it was a swamp.

#528

⇓

Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on the swamp.

#529

⇓

But I built it all the same to show them.

#530

⇓

It sank into the swamp.

#531

⇓

So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp.

#532

⇓

I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank in the swamp.

#533

⇓

But the fourth one stayed up.

#534

⇓

And that’s what you’ll get, lad.

#535

⇓

-The strongest castle in these isles. -But I don’t want any of that.

#536

⇓

-I'dd rather... -Rather what?

#537

⇓

I’d rather just

#538

⇓

-sing. -Stop that.

#539

⇓

You’re not going into a song while I’m here!

#540

⇓

In 20 minutes, you’re marrying a girl

#541

⇓

whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

#542

⇓

-But I don’t want land. -Listen, Alice.

#543

⇓

-Herbert. -Herbert.

#544

⇓

We live on a bloody swamp, we need all the land we can get.

#545

⇓

-But I don’t like her. -Don’t like her?

#546

⇓

What’s wrong with her?

#547

⇓

She’s beautiful, she’s rich. She’s got huge

#548

⇓

tracts of land.

#549

⇓

I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have

#550

⇓

a certain special something.

#551

⇓

Cut that out!

#552

⇓

You’re marrying Princess Lucky, so you’d better get used to the idea!

#553

⇓

Guards!

#554

⇓

Make sure the Prince doesn’t leave the room until I get him.

#555

⇓

Not to leave the room, even if you come and get him.

#556

⇓

No. Until I come and get him.

#557

⇓

Until you come and get him, we’re not to enter the room.

#558

⇓

No, you stay in the room and make sure he doesn’t leave.

#559

⇓

-And you’ll come and get him. -Right.

#560

⇓

We don't need to do anything, apart from stop him entering the room.

#561

⇓

-No. Leaving the room. -Leaving the room, yes.

#562

⇓

-All right? -Right. If...

#563

⇓

-If we’re.... -Yes?

#564

⇓

Look, its quite simpIe.

#565

⇓

You stay here and make sure he doesn’t leave the room.

#566

⇓

-All right? -I remember.

#567

⇓

Can he leave the room with us?

#568

⇓

No, you just keep him in here, and make sure..

#569

⇓

Yes! Well keep him in here, obviously.

#570

⇓

-But if he had to leave... -No. Keep him in here!

#571

⇓

-Until you, or anyone. -Not anyone, just mel

#572

⇓

-Just you.. -Get back.

#573

⇓

-Right? -Right.

#574

⇓

We’ll stay here until you get back.

#575

⇓

-And make sure he doesn’t leave. -What?

#576

⇓

-Make sure he doesn’t leave. -The Prince?

#577

⇓

-Yes, make sure he doesn’t leave. -Yes, of course!

#578

⇓

I thought you meant him!

#579

⇓

It seemed a bit daft me having to guard him when he’s a guard.

#580

⇓

-Is that clear? -Quite clear. No problems.

#581

⇓

Right.

#582

⇓

-Where are you going? -We’re coming with you.

#583

⇓

No, I want you to stay here, and make sure he doesn’t leave.

#584

⇓

I see, right.

#585

⇓

-But, Father... -Shut it, and get that suit on.

#586

⇓

And no singing!

#587

⇓

Go and get a glass of water!

#588

⇓

-Well taken, Concorde! -Thank you, sir, most kind.

#589

⇓

And again!

#590

⇓

Over we go! Good, steady!

#591

⇓

Now, the big one!

#592

⇓

Come on, Concorde!

#593

⇓

Message for you, sir.

#594

⇓

Concorde, speak to me!

#595

⇓

“To whoever finds this note.

#596

⇓

“I have been imprisoned by my father,

#597

⇓

“who wishes me to marry against my will.

#598

⇓

“Please, please come and rescue me.

#599

⇓

''I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle''.

#600

⇓

At last! A call! A cry of distress!

#601

⇓

This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail!

#602

⇓

Brave Concorde, you shall not have died in vain!

#603

⇓

I’m not quite dead, sir.

#604

⇓

You shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!

#605

⇓

I think I could pull through, sir.

#606

⇓

-l see. -I think I’m all right to come with you.

#607

⇓

No, sweet Concorde! Stay here.

#608

⇓

I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and

#609

⇓

heroic rescue in my own particular...

#610

⇓

-Idiom, sir? -Idiom!

#611

⇓

-No, I feel fine, actually, sir. -Farewell, sweet Concorde!

#612

⇓

Ill just stay here, shall I, sir?

#613

⇓

Yeah.

#614

⇓

-Morning. -Morning.

#615

⇓

Hey!

#616

⇓

You’re not allowed to enter the room...

#617

⇓

Fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Lancelot of Camelot.

#618

⇓

-I have come to take... I’m terribly sorry. -You got my note!

#619

⇓

-I got a note. -You’ve come to rescue me?

#620

⇓

-Well, no, you see... -I knew someone would.

#621

⇓

I knew that somewhere out there, there must be someone..

#622

⇓

Stop that! Stop it!

#623

⇓

Who are you?

#624

⇓

-I’m your son. -No, not you.

#625

⇓

-Im Sir Lancelot, sir. -Hes come to rescue me, Father.

#626

⇓

-Let’s not jump to conclusions -Did you kill all those guards?

#627

⇓

Yes. Sorry.

#628

⇓

-They cost 50 pounds each. -I’m awfully sorry.

#629

⇓

Don’t be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot. I’ve got a rope ready.

#630

⇓

You killed eight wedding guests and all!

#631

⇓

Well, you see, I thought your son was a lady.

#632

⇓

I can understand that.

#633

⇓

-Hurry, Sir Lancelot! Hurry! Shut up!

#634

⇓

-You only killed the bride’s father! -l didn’t mean to.

#635

⇓

Didn’t mean to? You put your sword through his head!

#636

⇓

-Oh dear, is he all right? -You kicked the bride in the chest!

#637

⇓

-It’s going to cost me a fortune! -I can explain.

#638

⇓

I was in the forest, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note.

#639

⇓

-Are you from Camelot? -Hurry, Sir Lancelot!

#640

⇓

I'm a knight of King Arthur, sir.

#641

⇓

Very nice castle, Camelot. Very good pig country.

#642

⇓

-Is it? -I am ready!

#643

⇓

-Would you like to come have a drink? -Thats awfully nice of you.

#644

⇓

-I am ready! -I mean, to be so understanding.

#645

⇓

You see, when I’m in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit carried away.

#646

⇓

Now, this is the main hall. We’ll have all this knocked through...

#647

⇓

-There he is! -Bloody hell.

#648

⇓

-Hold it, please! -See what I mean? I get carried away.

#649

⇓

I'm really most awfully sorry. Sorry, everyone.

#650

⇓

He’s killed the best man!

#651

⇓

Hold it, please, hold it! This is Sir Lancelot

#652

⇓

from the Court of CameIot, a brave and influential knigh.

#653

⇓

-And my special guest here today. -Hallo.

#654

⇓

He killed my auntie!

#655

⇓

No, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion!

#656

⇓

Let’s not bicker and argue about who killed who.

#657

⇓

We are here today to witness the union of two young people

#658

⇓

in the joyful bond of holy wedlock.

#659

⇓

Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert,

#660

⇓

has just fallen to his death.

#661

⇓

But I don’t want to think I’ve lost a son, so much as

#662

⇓

gained a daughter.

#663

⇓

For, since the tragic death of her father..

#664

⇓

He’s not quite dead!

#665

⇓

Since the near fatal wounding of her father..

#666

⇓

He’s getting better!

#667

⇓

For, since her own father

#668

⇓

who, when he seemed about to recover,

#669

⇓

suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him.

#670

⇓

He’s died!

#671

⇓

I want his only daughter to look upon me

#672

⇓

as her own dad, in a very real, and legally binding sense.

#673

⇓

And I feel sure that the merger, the union between the Princess

#674

⇓

and the brave but dangerous Sir Lancelot of Camelot...

#675

⇓

-What? -Look, the dead Prince!

#676

⇓

-He’s not quite dead! -I feel much betteri

#677

⇓

You fell out of the tall tower, you creep!

#678

⇓

-No, I was saved at the last minute. -How?

#679

⇓

I’ll tell you.

#680

⇓

Not like that! Not like that.

#681

⇓

He’s going to tell He’s going to tell

#682

⇓

Quickly, sir, come this way!

#683

⇓

No, it’s not right for my idiom. I must escape more...

#684

⇓

-Dramatically, sir? -Dramatically.

#685

⇓

Excuse me, could somebody give me a push, please?

#686

⇓

Old crone!

#687

⇓

Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?

#688

⇓

-Who sent you? -The knights who say “Ni”!

#689

⇓

No! We have no shrubberies here.

#690

⇓

If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I

#691

⇓

will say...

#692

⇓

We will say “Ni.”

#693

⇓

Do your worst!

#694

⇓

Very well. If you will not assist us voluntarily...

#695

⇓

-Ni! -No!

#696

⇓

Never. No shrubberies.

#697

⇓

-Ni! -No!

#698

⇓

No, it’s not that, it’s ‘Ni.”

#699

⇓

No, you’re not doing it properly.

#700

⇓

-Ni! -You've got it.

#701

⇓

-Ni! -Ni!

#702

⇓

Are you saying “Ni” to that old woman?

#703

⇓

Yes.

#704

⇓

What sad times are these when passing ruffians can say “Ni” at will to old ladies.

#705

⇓

There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred.

#706

⇓

Even those who arrange shrubberies are under considerable economic stress

#707

⇓

at this period in history.

#708

⇓

-Did you say ''shrubberies''? -Yes.

#709

⇓

Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber.

#710

⇓

My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

#711

⇓

-Ni! -No!

#712

⇓

Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery.

#713

⇓

-May we go? -It is a good shrubbery.

#714

⇓

I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.

#715

⇓

What is that?

#716

⇓

We are now no longer the knights who say “Ni.

#717

⇓

We are now the knights who say,

#718

⇓

“Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptang Zoo Boing”!

#719

⇓

Therefore, we must give you a test.

#720

⇓

What is this test, knights who until recently said “Ni’?

#721

⇓

Firstly, you must find

#722

⇓

another shrubbery!

#723

⇓

Not another shrubbery!

#724

⇓

Then you must bring it here beside this shrubbery.

#725

⇓

Higher, so you get the two-level effect with a path going down the middle.

#726

⇓

A path! A path!

#727

⇓

Then, when you have found the shrubberies,

#728

⇓

you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest

#729

⇓

with a herring!

#730

⇓

-We shall do no such thing. -Please.

#731

⇓

Cut down a tree with a herring? It can’t be done.

#732

⇓

-Don’t say that word. -What word?

#733

⇓

I cannot tell. Suffice to say,

#734

⇓

it’s one of the words the knights of Ni cannot hear.

#735

⇓

How can we not say the word if you don’t tell us what it is?

#736

⇓

-He did it again. -What? "Is"?

#737

⇓

No, not “is”! You wouldn’t get very far in life not saying “is.”

#738

⇓

My liege, it’s Robin.

#739

⇓

He’s jacking it in and packing it up And sneaking away and buggering off

#740

⇓

And chickening out and pissing a pot Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge

#741

⇓

-Robin. -My liege.

#742

⇓

-It’s good to see you. -Now he’s said the word!

#743

⇓

You haven’t given up your quest for the Holy Grail?

#744

⇓

He is sneaking away and...

#745

⇓

Shut up!

#746

⇓

-No, far from it. -You said the word again.

#747

⇓

I was looking for it here in this forest.

#748

⇓

-No, it is far from this place. -Stop saying the word!

#749

⇓

-The word we cannot hear! -Stop it!

#750

⇓

-He said ''it'' again! -That's it!

#751

⇓

I’ve said ‘‘it". I've said "it". I’ve said ''it'' again!

#752

⇓

That’s three “its’!

#753

⇓

And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find

#754

⇓

the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24.

#755

⇓

Beyond the forest they met Lancelot and Galahad,

#756

⇓

and there was much rejoicing.

#757

⇓

In the frozen land of Nador,

#758

⇓

they were forced to eat Robin’s minstrels.

#759

⇓

And there was much rejoicing.

#760

⇓

A year passed.

#761

⇓

Winter changed into spring.

#762

⇓

Spring changed into summer.

#763

⇓

Summer changed back into winter,

#764

⇓

and winter gave spring and summer a miss and went straight on into autumn.

#765

⇓

Until one day.

#766

⇓

Knights,

#767

⇓

forward!

#768

⇓

What manner of man are you that can summon up fire

#769

⇓

-without flint or tinder? -I am an enchanter.

#770

⇓

-By what name are you known? -There are some who call me...

#771

⇓

-Tim. -Greetings, Tim the enchanter!

#772

⇓

Greetings, King Arthur.

#773

⇓

-You know my name? -I do.

#774

⇓

You seek the Holy Grail.

#775

⇓

That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, Tim.

#776

⇓

Quitel

#777

⇓

Yes, we are looking for the Holy Grail.

#778

⇓

-Our quest is to find the Holy Grail. -Yes, it is.

#779

⇓

-And so we’re looking for it. -Yes, we are.

#780

⇓

-We have been for some time. -Ages.

#781

⇓

So, anything you could do to help would be

#782

⇓

very

#783

⇓

-helpful. -Look, can you tell us where...

#784

⇓

Fine, I don’t want to waste any more of your time,

#785

⇓

but I don’t suppose you could tell us where we might find a...

#786

⇓

A what?

#787

⇓

A grail?

#788

⇓

Yes, I think so.

#789

⇓

Yes.

#790

⇓

Yes!

#791

⇓

-Thank you. -Splendid!

#792

⇓

Look, you’re a busy man...

#793

⇓

Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.

#794

⇓

To the north, there lies a cave. The Cave of Caerbannog.

#795

⇓

Wherein, carved in mystic runes, upon the very living rock,

#796

⇓

the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged

#797

⇓

make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.

#798

⇓

-Where could we find this cave, Tim? -Follow!

#799

⇓

But follow only if ye be men of valor.

#800

⇓

For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature

#801

⇓

so foul, so cruel,

#802

⇓

that no man yet has fought with it and lived.

#803

⇓

Bones of full 50 men lie strewn about its lair.

#804

⇓

So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage

#805

⇓

or your strength, come no further,

#806

⇓

for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.

#807

⇓

What an eccentric performance!

#808

⇓

They’re nervous, sire.

#809

⇓

Then we’d best leave them here and carry on, on foot.

#810

⇓

Dismount!

#811

⇓

Behold the Cave of Caerbannog!

#812

⇓

-Right, keep me covered. -What with?

#813

⇓

-Just keep me covered. -Too late.

#814

⇓

There he is!

#815

⇓

-Where? -There.

#816

⇓

-What, behind the rabbit? -It is the rabbit.

#817

⇓

-You silly sod! -What?

#818

⇓

You got us all worked up.

#819

⇓

That’s no ordinary rabbit.

#820

⇓

Thats the most foul, cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.

#821

⇓

You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!

#822

⇓

Look, that rabbit’s got a vicious streak a mile wide.

#823

⇓

-It’s a killer! -Get stuffed.

#824

⇓

-He’ll do you up a treat, mate! -Yeah?

#825

⇓

-You manky Scots git! -I’m warning you.

#826

⇓

-What’s he do? Nibble your bum? -He’s got huge, sharp...

#827

⇓

It can leap about...

#828

⇓

-Look at the bones! -Go on, Bors, chop its head off.

#829

⇓

Right. Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew coming right up.

#830

⇓

Look!

#831

⇓

-Jesus Christ! -I warned you!

#832

⇓

-I’ve done it again. -I warned you.

#833

⇓

But did you listen to me? No, you knew it all, didn’t you?

#834

⇓

It’s just a harmless little bunny, isn’t it? Well, it’s always the same.

#835

⇓

-I always... -Shut up!

#836

⇓

Charge!

#837

⇓

Run away!

#838

⇓

-How many did we lose? -Gawain.

#839

⇓

-Ector. -And Bors. That’s five.

#840

⇓

-Three. -Three.

#841

⇓

We better not risk another frontal assault, that rabbit’s dynamite.

#842

⇓

Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?

#843

⇓

-Shut up and change your armor. -Let us taunt it.

#844

⇓

lit may become so cross that it will make a mistake.

#845

⇓

Like what?

#846

⇓

Well...

#847

⇓

-Have we got bows? -No.

#848

⇓

-We have the Holy Hand Grenade. -Yes, of course!

#849

⇓

The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

#850

⇓

It’s one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries.

#851

⇓

Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade.

#852

⇓

How does it...

#853

⇓

How does it work?

#854

⇓

-l know not, my liege. -Consult the Book of Armaments.

#855

⇓

Armaments 2: 9-21.

#856

⇓

“And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying,

#857

⇓

“O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayest

#858

⇓

“blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy''.

#859

⇓

“And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon

#860

⇓

“the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans

#861

⇓

“and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and..''

#862

⇓

Skip a bit, Brother.

#863

⇓

“The Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin,

#864

⇓

“then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.

#865

⇓

“Three shalt be the number thou shalt count,

#866

⇓

''and the number of the counting shalt be three.

#867

⇓

“Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two,

#868

⇓

''excepting that thou then proceed to three.

#869

⇓

“Five is right out.

#870

⇓

“Once the number three, being the third number be reached,

#871

⇓

“then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch

#872

⇓

“towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight,

#873

⇓

“shall snuff it.”

#874

⇓

Amen.

#875

⇓

Right.

#876

⇓

One, two, five!

#877

⇓

-Three, sir! Three!

#878

⇓

There! Look!

#879

⇓

-What does it say? -What language is that?

#880

⇓

Brother Maynard, you’re our scholar.

#881

⇓

It is Aramaic!

#882

⇓

Of course. Joseph of Arimathea!

#883

⇓

-Of course. -What does it say?

#884

⇓

It reads, “Here may be found

#885

⇓

“the last words of Joseph of Arimathea

#886

⇓

He who is valiant and pure of spirit

#887

⇓

‘may find the Holy Grail

#888

⇓

“in the Castle of Aaargh.’’

#889

⇓

What?

#890

⇓

“The Castle of Aaargh.”

#891

⇓

What is that?

#892

⇓

He must have died while carving it.

#893

⇓

-Come on! -Thats what it says.

#894

⇓

Look, if he was dying, he wouldn’t bother to carve “Aaargh.”

#895

⇓

-He’d just say it. -That’s what’s carved in the rock.

#896

⇓

-Perhaps he was dictating it. -Shut up!

#897

⇓

-Does it say anything else? -No!

#898

⇓

Just “Aaargh.”

#899

⇓

Aaargh.

#900

⇓

Do you suppose he meant the Camargue?

#901

⇓

-Where’s that? -In France, I think.

#902

⇓

-Isn’t there a St. Aaargh’s in Cornwall? -No, that’s St. Ives.

#903

⇓

St. Ives.

#904

⇓

No, “Aaargh.” At the back of the throat.

#905

⇓

No, ‘Ooh,’ in surprise and alarm!

#906

⇓

-You mean a sort of an “Ah!” -Yes, that’s right.

#907

⇓

My God!

#908

⇓

It’s the legendary Black Beast ...

#909

⇓

That’s it! Run away!

#910

⇓

Keep running.

#911

⇓

We’ve lost him.

#912

⇓

As the horrendous Black Beast lunged foiward,

#913

⇓

escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless.

#914

⇓

When, suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack.

#915

⇓

The cartoon peril was no more.

#916

⇓

The quest for the Holy Grail could continue.

#917

⇓

There it is!

#918

⇓

-The Bridge of Death. -Great.

#919

⇓

Look! There’s the old man from Scene 24.

#920

⇓

-What’s he doing here? -He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death.

#921

⇓

He asks each traveler five questions.

#922

⇓

-Three questions! -Three questions.

#923

⇓

-He who answers the five questions... -Three questions.

#924

⇓

-... three questions, may cross in safety. -What if you get a question wrong?

#925

⇓

Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

#926

⇓

-Oh, wacko. -Who’s going to answer the questions?

#927

⇓

Brave Sir Robin, you go.

#928

⇓

I’ve got a great idea.

#929

⇓

Why doesn’t Lancelot go?

#930

⇓

Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed.

#931

⇓

-I shall make a feint to the northeast... -Hang on!

#932

⇓

-Just answer the five questions... -Three questions.

#933

⇓

...three questions, as best you can. And we shall watch and pray.

#934

⇓

I understand, my liege.

#935

⇓

Good luck, brave Sir Lancelot. God be with you.

#936

⇓

Stop!

#937

⇓

Who would cross the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three.

#938

⇓

Ere the other side he see.

#939

⇓

Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I’m not afraid.

#940

⇓

-What is your name? -My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.

#941

⇓

What is your quest?

#942

⇓

To seek the Holy Grail.

#943

⇓

What is your favorite color?

#944

⇓

-Blue. -Right. Off you go.

#945

⇓

Well, thank you very much.

#946

⇓

That’s easy.

#947

⇓

Stop.

#948

⇓

Who approacheth the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three.

#949

⇓

Ere the other side he see.

#950

⇓

Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I’m not afraid.

#951

⇓

-What is your name? -Sir Robin of Camelot.

#952

⇓

-What is your quest? -To seek the Holy Grail.

#953

⇓

What is the capital of Assyria?

#954

⇓

I don’t know that!

#955

⇓

Stop!

#956

⇓

-What is your name? -Sir Galahad of Camelot.

#957

⇓

-What is your quest? -I seek the Grail.

#958

⇓

-What is your favorite color? -Blue.

#959

⇓

No! Yellow!

#960

⇓

Stop!

#961

⇓

-What is your name? -It is Arthur, King of the Britons.

#962

⇓

-What is your quest? -To seek the Holy Grail.

#963

⇓

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

#964

⇓

What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

#965

⇓

I don’t know that!

#966

⇓

How do you know so much about swallows?

#967

⇓

You have to know these things when you’re a king.

#968

⇓

Lancelot!

#969

⇓

Lancelot!

#970

⇓

Lancelot!

#971

⇓

The Castle Aaargh. Our quest is at an end.

#972

⇓

God be praised.

#973

⇓

Almighty God,

#974

⇓

we thank thee, that thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy...

#975

⇓

Jesus Christ!

#976

⇓

Hello, stuffy English knights

#977

⇓

and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know.

#978

⇓

So, we French fellows outwit you a second time.

#979

⇓

How dare you profane this place with your presence?

#980

⇓

I command you, in the name of the knights of Camelot,

#981

⇓

to open the doors of this sacred castlel

#982

⇓

to which God himself has guided us.

#983

⇓

How you English say? One more time, I unclog my nose in your direction,

#984

⇓

Sons of a window-dresser!

#985

⇓

So, you think you couId out-clever us French folk

#986

⇓

with your silly knees-bent, running about, advancing behavior.

#987

⇓

I wave my private parts at your aunties.

#988

⇓

You cheesy lot of second-hand electric donkey-bottom biters!

#989

⇓

In the name of the Lord,

#990

⇓

we demand entrance to this sacred castle!

#991

⇓

No chance, English bed-wetting types.

#992

⇓

I burst my pimples at you, and call your door-opening request a silly thing!

#993

⇓

You tiny-brained wipers of other people’s bottoms.

#994

⇓

If you’ll not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!

#995

⇓

In the name of God and the glory of our...

#996

⇓

Right! That settles it!

#997

⇓

Depart at this time, and donut be approaching any more,

#998

⇓

or we fire arrows into your heads, and make castanets out of your testicles.

#999

⇓

Walk away, just ignore them.

#1000

⇓

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