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Home » Monty Python and the Holy Grail » S01E01 — Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Season 1, Episode 1 — Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Whoa, there!

whoa

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Halt!

halt

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Who goes there?

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It is I, Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot.

arthur camelot castle

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King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons

britons king

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Sovereign of all England!

england

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Pull the other one.

pull

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I am, and this is my trusty servant, Patsy.

patsy servant

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We have ridden the length of the land in search of knights

knights land length ridden search

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who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.

camelot court join lord master must speak

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-What? Ridden on a horse? -Yes.

horse ridden

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-You’re using coconuts! -What?

coconuts using

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You’ve got two empty halves of coconut, and you’re banging them together.

banging coconut empty

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So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land.

covered land ridden winter

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-Through the Kingdom of Mercia. -Where did you get the coconuts?

coconuts kingdom

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We found them.

found

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Found them? In Mercia? The coconut is tropical.

coconut found tropical

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-What do you mean? -Well, this is a temperate zone.

zone

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The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover

house martin south swallow

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may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.

land seek strangers winter

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-Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? -Not at all. They could be carried.

carried coconuts suggesting

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-What? A swallow carrying a coconut? -It could grip it by the husk.

carrying coconut grip husk swallow

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It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple question of weight ratio. I

grips question ratio simple simple-question weight

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A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut.

bird carry coconut five ounce pound

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It doesn’t matter. Go tell your master that Arthur from Camelot is here.

arthur camelot master matter

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In order to maintain air-speed velocity,

maintain order speed velocity

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a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?

beat needs second swallow times wings

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Please! -Am I right?

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-I'm not interested. -It could be carried by an African swallow.

african carried interested swallow

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Oh, yes! An African swallow, maybe. Not a European swallow. That’s my point.

african european point swallow

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I agree with that.

agree

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Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?

camelot court join master wants

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But then, of course, African swallows are non-migratory.

african course swallows

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Oh, yes. They couIdnt bring a coconut, anyway.

bring coconut

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Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?

carried minute swallows

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-No, they’d have to have it on a line. -Simple. They’d use a strand of creeper.

line simple theyd

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-Held under the dorsal guiding feathers? Why not?

feathers guiding held

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Bring out your dead!

bring dead

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Ninepence.

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-Bring out your dead. -Here's one.

bring dead

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Ninepence.

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-I’m not dead! -What?

dead

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-Nothing. Here’s your ninepence. -I’m not dead!

dead

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-He says he’s not dead. -Yes, he is.

dead

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not! -He isn’t?

↓

-He will be soon. He’s very ill. -I’m getting better!

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You’ll be stone dead in a moment

dead moment stone

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I can’t take him like that. It’s against regulations.

regulations

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-I don’t want to go on the cart. -Don’t be such a baby.

baby cart

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-I can’t take him. -l feel fine.

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-Well, do us a favor. I can’t.

favor

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Can you hang around a few minutes? He won’t be long.

hang minutes

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Got to go to the Robinsons. They’ve lost nine today.

lost nine today

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-When’s your next round? -Thursday.

round thursday whens

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-l think I’ll go for a walk. -You’re not fooling anyone, you know.

fooling walk

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-Isn’t there something you can do? -I feel happy.

happy

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-Thanks very much. -Not at all. See you on Thursday.

thanks thursday

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Right.

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-Who’s that, then? -I don’t know. Must be a king.

king must

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-Why? -He hasn’t got shit all over him.

↓

-Old woman! -Man!

woman

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Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

castle knight lives

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-I’m 37. -What?

↓

-I’m 37. I’m not old. -I can’t just call you “man.”

↓

-You could say “Dennis.” -I didn’t know you were called Dennis.

called dennis

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You didn’t bother to find out.

bother

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I did say sorry about the “old woman,’ but from behind...

behind woman

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What I object to is that you treat me like an inferior.

object treat

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-Well, I am king. -King? Very nice

king

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How did you get that? By exploiting the workers!

workers

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By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates

hanging outdated

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the economic and social differences in our societyl

differences economic social

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-If there’s ever going to be any progress. -There’s some lovely filth down here.

filth lovely progress

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How do you do?

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How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

arthur arthur-king britons king lady

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-Whose castle is that? -King of the who?

castle king

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-The Britons. -Who are the Britons?

britons

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We all are. We’re all Britons. And l am your king.

britons king

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Didn’t know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

collective king

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You’re fooling yourself. We’re living in a dictatorship.

fooling living

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A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class...

class self working

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There you go. Bringing class into it again

bringing class

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-That’s what it’s all about. If only people... -Please, good people. I am in haste.

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Who lives in that castle?

castle lives

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-No one lives there -Who is your lord?

lives lord

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-We don’t have a lord. -What?

lord

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I told you. We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune.

commune

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We take turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

executive officer turns week

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Yes. -But all the decisions of that officer

decisions officer

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-are ratified at a biweekly meeting. -Yes, I see.

meeting

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-By a majority in the case of internal affairs. -Be quietl

affairs case internal majority

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-By a two-thirds majority in the case of. -Be quietr I order you to be quiet.

case majority order quiet

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“Order.” Who does he think he is’

order

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-I am your king! -I didn’t vote for you.

king vote

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-You don’t vote for kings. -How did you become king then?

become king kings vote

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The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite,

lady lake

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held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water,

bosom held water

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signifying, by divine providence, that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.

arthur carry divine

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That is why I’m your king!

king

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Listen. Strange women lying in ponds, distributing swords, is no basis

basis lying strange swords women

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for a system of government. Supreme executive power

executive government power supreme system

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derives from a mandate from the masses. Not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

aquatic ceremony masses

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Be quiet!

quiet

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You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power

executive expect power supreme wield

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‘cause some watery tart threw a sword at you.

sword tart threw

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-Shut up! -If I went around saying I was an emperor

emperor

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because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away!

theyd

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-Will you shut up? -See the violence inherent in the system.

system violence

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-Shut up! -See the violence inherent in the system!

system violence

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-Help, I’m being repressed! -Bloody peasant!

bloody repressed

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What a giveaway. Did you hear that?

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That’s what Im on about. Did you see him repressing me?

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You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.

fight knight strength

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I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

arthur arthur-king britons king

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I seek the finest and bravest knights in the land to join me in Camelot.

bravest camelot finest join knights land seek

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You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?

join proved worthy

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You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.

patsy

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None shall pass.

pass

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-What? -None shall pass.

pass

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I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.

bridge cross knight must

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Then you shall die.

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I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside.

aside britons command king stand

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I move for no man.

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So be it!

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Now, stand aside, worthy adversary.

aside stand worthy

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-‘Tis but a scratch. -‘'A scratch”? Your arms off.

arms scratch

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-No, it isn’t. -Well, what’s that, then?

↓

-I’ve had worse. -You liar.

liar worse

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Come on, you pansy!

pansy

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Victory is mine.

victory

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We thank thee, Lord, that in thy..

lord thee

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-Come on, then. -What?

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Have at you.

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You are brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.

brave fight knight

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Had enough, eh?

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Look, you stupid bastard. You’ve got no arms left.

arms bastard left stupid

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-Yes, I have. -Look!

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Just a flesh wound.

flesh wound

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-Look, stop that. -Chicken!

chicken

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Ill have your leg. Right!

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-Right! Ill do you for that. -You’ll what?

↓

-Come here. -What are you going to do? Bleed on me?

bleed

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-I am invincible! -You’re a loony.

invincible loony

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The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!

black knight

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Come on, then.

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All right, we’ll call it a draw.

draw

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-Come, Patsy. -Oh, I see.

patsy

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Running away? You yellow bastard!

bastard running yellow

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Come back here and take what’s coming to you! I’ll bite your legs off!

bite coming legs

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Pie Jesu Domine

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Dona els requiem

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Pie Jesu Domine

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Dona els requiem

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-A witch! -We found a witch.

found witch

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-We got a witch! -We found a witch.

found witch

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We’ve got a witch.

witch

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Burn her!

burn

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-We have found a witch. May we burn her? -Burn her!

burn found witch

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-How do you know she is a witch? -She looks like one.

witch

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Bring her forward.

bring forward

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-I am not a witch. -But you are dressed as one.

dressed witch

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-They dressed me up like this. -We didn’t!

dressed

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And this isn’t my nose. It’s a false one.

false nose

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-Well? -Well, we did do the nose.

nose

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-The nose? -And the hat. But she is a witch.

nose witch

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Burn her!

burn

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-Did you dress her up like this? -No. Yes.

dress

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Yes, a bit. She has got a wart.

wart

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-What makes you think she is a witch? -Well, she turned me into a newt.

makes turned witch

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A newt?

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I got better.

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-Burn her anyway. -Burn her!

burn

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Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

quiet telling ways whether witch

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-Are there? What are they? Tell us. -Do they hurt?

hurt

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Tell me, what do you do with witches?

witches

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Burn them!

burn

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-What do you burn apart from witches? -More witches1

apart burn witches

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-Wood. -So, why do witches burn?

burn witches wood

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-‘Cause they’re made of wood? -Good.

wood

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So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?

whether wood

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-Build a bridge out of her. -Can you not also make bridges of stone?

bridge bridges build stone

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Oh, yeah.

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Does wood sink in water?

sink water wood

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-No. -It floats.

floats

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Throw her into the pond!

pond throw

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-What also floats in water? -Bad.

floats water

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-Apples. -Very small rocks.

apples rocks

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-Cider. Cherries. -Gravy. Mud.

cherries cider gravy

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-Churches. -Lead.

churches lead

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A duck!

duck

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Exactly.

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So, logically...

logically

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If she

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weighs the same as a duck...

duck weighs

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Shes made of wood.

wood

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And, therefore...

therefore

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-A witch! -A witch!

witch

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We shall use my largest scales

largest scales

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Right. Remove the supports!

remove

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-A witch! -A witch!

witch

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-It’s a fair cop. -Burn her!

burn fair

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Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?

science ways wise

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-I am Arthur, King of the Britons. -My liege.

arthur arthur-king britons king liege

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Good Sir Knight, will you come to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table?

camelot join knight round round-table table

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My liege, I would be honored.

honored liege

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-What is your name? -Bedevere, my liege.

bedevere liege name

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Then I dub you Sir Bedevere,

bedevere

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knight of the Round Table.

knight round round-table table

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The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur’s knights.

bedevere join king knights wise

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But other illustrious names were soon to follow.

follow names

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Sir Lancelot the Brave.

brave lancelot

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Sir Galahad the Pure.

galahad pure

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And Sir Robin, the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot,

brave lancelot robin

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who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor

dragon fought nearly

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Iwho had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol,

chicken nearly stood vicious

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and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill.

battle hill personally

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And the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.

appearing film named

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Together they formed a band

band formed

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whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries.

centuries deeds names throughout

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The Knights of the Round Table.

knights round round-table table

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That, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shared.

banana earth liege shared

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This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere!

bedevere learning

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Explain again how sheep’s bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

explain prevent

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-Certainly, sin. -Look, my liege.

certainly liege

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-Camelot. -Camelot.

camelot

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-Camelot. -Its only a model.

camelot model

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Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home.

home knights welcome

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Let us ride to Camelot!

camelot ride

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We’re knights of the Round Table We dance whene’er we’re able

able dance knights round round-table table

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We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable

chorus routines scenes

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We dine well here in Camelot We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot

camelot spam

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We’re knights of the Round Table Our shows are formidable

formidable knights round round-table shows table

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But many times We’re given rhymes

given rhymes times

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That are quite unsingable We’re opera mad in Camelot

camelot opera

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sing from the diaphragm a lot

diaphragm sing

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In war we’re tough and able

able tough

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Quite indefatigable

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Between our quests We sequin vests

vests

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And impersonate Clark Gable It’s a busy life in Camelot

busy camelot clark life

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I have to push the pram a lot

push

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No, on second thoughts, let’s not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.

camelot place second second-thoughts silly thoughts

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Right.

↓

Arthur.

arthur

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King of the Britons.

britons king

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Don ‘t grovel. If there’s one thing I can ‘t stand, it’s people groveling.

stand

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- Sorry. -And don’t apologize.

apologize

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Evey time I talk to someone it’s “sorry this,” and, “forgive me that''

forgive

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and, “I’m not worthy. “

worthy

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-What are you doing now? -I’m averting my eyes, O Lord.

eyes lord

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Don‘t. It’s like those miserable psalms. They’re so depressing.

depressing miserable

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-Now, knock it off’ Lord. -Yes,

knock lord

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Right. Arthur, King of the Britons.

arthur arthur-king britons king

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Your knights of the Round Table shall have a task

knights round round-table table task

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to make them an example in these dark times.

dark example times

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-Good idea, O Lordl -Course it’s a good idea.

course idea

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Behold, Arthur, this is the Holy Grail’

arthur behold grail holy holy-grail

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Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this grail.

arthur grail sacred seek task

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That is your purpose, Arthur.

arthur purpose

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The quest for the Holy Grail.

grail holy holy-grail quest

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-A blessing from the Lord. -God be praised!

blessing lord

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Halt!

halt

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Hello!

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Hello!

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Hello. Who is it?

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It is King Arthur, and these are my knights of the Round Table.

arthur king king-arthur knights round round-table table

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Whose castle is this?

castle

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This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

castle master

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Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God

charged master

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with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night,

food night quest sacred shelter

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he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

grail holy holy-grail join quest

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Well, I’ll ask him, but I don’t think he’ll be very keen.

keen

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He’s already got one, you see.

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-What? -Hi says they’ve already got one!

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-Are you sure he’s got one? -Oh, yes. It’s very nice.

↓

I told him we’ve already got one.

↓

-Can we come up and have a look? -Of course not! You are English-types.

course english types

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-Well, what are you then? -I’m French.

french

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Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?

accent king outrageous silly

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-What are you doing in England? -Mind your own business.

business england mind

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If you will not show us the Graill, we shall take your castle by force.

castle force

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You don’t frighten us, English pig-dogs!

dogs english frighten

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Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person.

boil bottoms person silly sons

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I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King.

arthur arthur-king blow called king nose

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You and all your silly English knights.

english knights silly

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-What a strange person. -Now look here, my good man...

person strange

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I don’t want to talk to you no more

↓

you empty-headed, animal food-trough wiper.

animal empty food headed

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I fart in your general direction

direction fart general

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Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.

father hamster mother

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Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

↓

No. Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time.

second taunt

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Now, this is your last chance. I’ve been more than reasonable...

chance reasonable

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-Fetchez Ia vache! -Quoi?

↓

Fetchez Ia vache!

↓

If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall..

agree commands

↓

Jesus Christ!

christ jesus jesus-christ

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Crikey!

↓

Right! Charge!

charge

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Run away! Run away!

↓

-Fiends! I’ll tear them apart. -No, no.

apart tear

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Sir, I have a plan, sir.

plan

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-Un cadeau. -What?

↓

-A present. -Un cadeau.

present

↓

Oul, allons-y. Let’s go.

↓

What happens now?

happens

↓

Well, now, Lancelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall,

galahad lancelot nightfall

↓

and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise.

french leap rabbit surprise

↓

Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

surprise

↓

Who leaps out?

↓

Lancelot, Galahad, and I

galahad lancelot

↓

leap out of the rabbit.

leap rabbit

↓

Look. If we built this large, wooden badger...

built wooden

↓

Run away!

↓

-History for Schools. Take 8. -Action!

action history schools

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Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur.

arthur castle defeat king king-arthur seems utterly

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The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise.

completely french surprise

↓

Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required

arthur became convinced required strategy

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if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion.

brought conclusion grail holy holy-grail quest successful

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Arthur, having consulted his closest knights

arthur closest having knights

↓

decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually.

decided grail individually search separate

↓

Now, this is what they did...

↓

Frank!

frank

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So, each of the knights went their separate ways.

knights separate ways

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Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing,

dark forest north robin rode

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accompanied by his favorite minstrels.

accompanied favorite

↓

Bravely bold Sir Robin Rode forth from Camelot

bold bravely camelot forth robin rode

↓

He was not afraid to die O, Brave Sir Robin

afraid brave robin

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He was not at all afraid To be killed in nasty ways

afraid killed nasty ways

↓

Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin

brave brave-brave robin

↓

He was not in the least bit scared To be mashed into a pulp

least mashed pulp scared

↓

Or to have his eyes gouged out And his elbows broken

broken elbows eyes

↓

To have his kneecaps split And his body burned away

body burned split

↓

And his limbs all hacked and mangled Brave Sir Robin

brave hacked limbs mangled robin

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His head smashed in And his heart cut out

head heart smashed

↓

His liver removed And his bowels unplugged

bowels liver removed unplugged

↓

His nostrils raped, his bottom burned off And his penis...

bottom burned nostrils penis raped

↓

That’s enough music for now, lads.

lads music

↓

Looks like there’s dirty work afoot.

dirty

↓

Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.

freedom

↓

Dennis, forget about freedom. Don’t drop that mud.

dennis drop forget freedom

↓

Halt! Who art thou?

halt thou

↓

He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin...

brave robin

↓

Shut up!

↓

Nobody, really. I was just passing through.

nobody passing

↓

What do you want?

↓

To fight and...

fight

↓

Shut up!

↓

Nothing. Nothing, really.

↓

-Just to pass through, good Sir Knight. -I’m afraid not.

afraid knight pass

↓

-Actually, I am a knight of the Round Table. -You’re a knight of the Round Table?

knight round round-table table

↓

I am.

↓

-In that case, I have to kill you. -Shall I?

case kill

↓

-I don’t think so. -What do I think?

↓

-Kill him. -Let’s be nice to him.

kill

↓

-Shut up.

↓

And you!

↓

Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off!

head sword

↓

-Cut your own head off -Yes, do us all a favor.

favor head

↓

-What? -Yapping on all the time.

yapping

↓

-You’re lucky you’re not next to him. -What do you mean?

lucky

↓

-You snore. -I don't.

↓

-You’ve got bad breath. -Only because you don’t brush my teeth.

breath brush teeth

↓

Stop bitching, and let’s go and have tea!

bitching

↓

All right! We’ll kill him first, and then have tea and biscuits.

biscuits kill

↓

-Yes. -Not biscuits.

biscuits

↓

All right! Not biscuits. But let’s kill him anyway

biscuits kill

↓

Right.

↓

-He’s buggered off! -So he has! He’s scarpered.

↓

Brave Sir Robin ran away

brave robin

↓

No!

↓

Bravely ran away, away

bravely

↓

I didn’t.

↓

When danger reared its ugly head He bravely turned his tail and fled

bravely danger fled head tail turned ugly

↓

Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about And gallantly he chickened out

brave robin turned

↓

Bravely taking to his feet He beat a veiy brave retreat

beat brave bravely feet retreat

↓

Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin

brave bravest robin

↓

I never!

↓

Pie Jesu Domine

↓

Dona els requiem

↓

Open the door.

door open

↓

In the name of King Arthur, open the door!

arthur door king king-arthur name open

↓

Hello!

↓

Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

anthrax castle gentle knight welcome

↓

-The Castle Anthrax? -Yes.

anthrax castle

↓

It’s not a very good name, is it?

name

↓

But we are nice, and we will attend to your every, every need!

attend

↓

You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

grail holy holy-grail keepers

↓

-The what? -The Grail. It is here?

grail

↓

But you are tired, and you must rest awhile.

awhile must rest tired

↓

Midget! Crapper!

crapper midget

↓

-Yes, O Zoot? -Prepare a bed for our guest.

guest prepare zoot

↓

-Thank you, Zoot. -Thank you.

zoot

↓

Away, away, varletesses!

↓

The beds here are warm and soft, and very, very big.

beds soft warm

↓

-Look, I... -What is your name, handsome knight?

handsome knight name

↓

Sir Galahad the Chaste.

galahad

↓

Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot.

zoot

↓

-But come. -Please, in Gods name, show me the Grail.

gods gods-name grail name

↓

You have suffered much. You are delirious.

delirious suffered

↓

-Look, I have seen it. It is here. -Sir Galahad!

galahad seen

↓

You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

hospitality refuse

↓

I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet, compared to yours.

afraid compared dull life must quiet

↓

We’re eight score blondes and brunettes, all between 16 and 19 and a half,

eight half score

↓

cut off in this castle, with no one to protect us.

castle protect

↓

It is a lonely Iife.

lonely

↓

Bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear.

bathing dressing exciting underwear

↓

We are just not used to handsome knights.

handsome knights used

↓

Nay. Come. You may lie here.

↓

-But you are wounded! -No, it’s nothing!

wounded

↓

You must see the doctors immediately. Please, lie down.

doctors immediately must

↓

-Well, what seems to be the trouble? -They’re doctors?

doctors seems trouble

↓

They have a basic medical training.

basic medical training

↓

Come, come, you must try to rest.

must rest

↓

Dr. Piglet! Dr. Winston! Practice your art.

piglet practice winston

↓

-Try to relax. -Are you sure that’s absolutely necessary?

absolutely necessary relax

↓

We must examine you.

examine must

↓

-There’s nothing wrong with that. -Please. We are doctors.

doctors

↓

Look, this cannot be.

cannot

↓

-I am sworn to chastity! -Back to your bedl

sworn

↓

Torment me no longer. I have seen the Grail!

grail longer seen torment

↓

-There’s no Grail here. -I have seen it.

grail seen

↓

-I have seen.. -Hello.

seen

↓

Hello.

↓

Zoot! -I am Zoot’s identical twin sister, Dingo.

identical sister twin zoot

↓

-Where are you going? -I seek the Grail.

grail seek

↓

I have seen it here in this castle!

castle seen

↓

Oh, no. Bad, bad Zoot!

zoot

↓

-What is it? -Wicked, bad, naughty Zoot!

naughty wicked zoot

↓

She has been setting light to our beacon, which is Grail-shaped.

beacon grail light setting shaped

↓

It’s not the first time we’ve had this problem.

problem

↓

Its not the real Grail?

grail real

↓

Wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot.

evil naughty wicked zoot

↓

She is a bad person, and must pay the penalty.

must penalty person

↓

Do you think this scene should have been cut?

scene

↓

We were so worried when the boys were writing it.

boys worried writing

↓

But now we’re glad. It’s better than some previous scenes, I think.

glad previous scenes

↓

Ours was better visually.

↓

Ours was committed. It wasn’t a string of pussy jokes.

committed jokes pussy string

↓

-Get on with it. -Yes. Get on with it!

↓

Get on with it!

↓

-I am enjoying this scene. -Get on with it!

enjoying scene

↓

Wicked, wicked Zoot!

wicked zoot

↓

She must pay the penalty.

must penalty

↓

In Castle Anthrax, we have one punishment for setting alight the Grail-shaped beacon.

anthrax beacon castle grail punishment setting shaped

↓

You must tie her down on a bed, and spank her.

must spank

↓

A spanking! A spanking!

spanking

↓

You must spank her, and after you’ve spanked her, deal with her as you like.

deal must spank spanked

↓

-And, then, spank me. -And me!

spank

↓

-And me. -And me.

↓

Yes. You must give us all a good spanking!

must spanking

↓

A spanking!

spanking

↓

-And, after the spanking, the oral sex. -The oral sex!

oral spanking

↓

Well, I could stay a bit longer.

longer

↓

-Sir Galahad! -Hello.

galahad

↓

-Quick! You are in great peril. -Why?

peril quick

↓

-No, he isn’t! -Silence, foul temptress!

foul silence

↓

-She’s got a point. -We’ll cover your escape!

cover escape point

↓

-Look, I’m fine! -Wait, Sir Galahad!

galahad

↓

-I can tackle this lot single-handed -Yes, let him tackle us single-handed!

handed single tackle

↓

No, Sir Galahad. Come!

galahad

↓

Honestly, I can handle this lot easily!

easily handle

↓

-Yes, let him handle us easily. -Go! Quick!

easily handle quick

↓

Wait! Please! I can defeat them! There’s only 150 of them!

defeat

↓

He’ll beat us easily. We haven’t a chance

beat chance easily

↓

Oh, shit!

↓

-You were in great peril. -I don’t think I was.

peril

↓

You were in terrible peril.

peril

↓

-Let me go back, and face the peril. -No, it’s too perilous.

face peril

↓

It’s my duty to sample as much peril as I can.

duty peril sample

↓

We’ve got to find the Holy Grail.

grail holy holy-grail

↓

-Let me have just a bit of peril? -No. It’s unhealthy.

peril unhealthy

↓

-I bet you’re gay. -No, I’m not.

↓

Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation.

certain galahad lancelot saved temptation

↓

But, they were still no nearer the Grail.

grail

↓

King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, not more than a swallow’s flight away,

arthur bedevere flight king king-arthur swallows

↓

had discovered something.

discovered

↓

That’s an unladen swallow’s flight, obviously.

flight obviously swallows

↓

They were more than two laden swallow’s flights away.

flights laden swallows

↓

Four, with a coconut on a line between them.

coconut four line

↓

If the birds were...

birds

↓

Get on with it!

↓

Oh, anyway,

↓

on to Scene 24, which is a smashing scene, with some lovely acting,

acting lovely scene smashing

↓

in which Arthur discovers a vital clue.

arthur clue vital

↓

There aren‘t any swallows but I think you can hear a...

swallows

↓

And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail?

enchanter grail seen speak

↓

Where does he live?

live

↓

Old man, where does he live?

live

↓

He knows of a cave. A cave which no man has entered.

cave entered knows

↓

-And the Grail. The Grail is there? -There is much danger.

danger grail

↓

For beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril,

beyond cave eternal lies peril

↓

which no man has ever crossed.

crossed

↓

But the Grail. Where is the Grail’?

grail

↓

Seek you the Bridge of Death.

bridge death seek

↓

The Bridge of Death? Which leads to the Grail?

bridge death grail leads

↓

-Who are you? -We are the knights who say “Ni”!

knights

↓

-No! Not the knights who say “Ni’? -The same!

knights

↓

-Who are they? -We are the keepers of the sacred words.

keepers sacred words

↓

“Ni", "Peng” and “Neee Wom”!

↓

Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.

live tale

↓

The knights who say “Ni'' demand a sacrifice.

demand knights sacrifice

↓

Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers

knights simple travelers

↓

who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.

beyond enchanter lives seek woods

↓

Ni! Ni!

↓

We shall say “Ni” again to you, if you do not appease us.

↓

-What is it you want? -We want

↓

a shrubbery.

shrubbery

↓

A what?

↓

-Ni! Ni! -Please No more!

↓

-We will find you a shrubbery. -You must return with a shrubbery,

must return shrubbery

↓

or else you will never pass through this wood

pass wood

↓

alive.

alive

↓

Knights of Ni, you are just and fair.

fair knights

↓

-We will return with a shrubbery. -One that looks nice.

return shrubbery

↓

-Of course. -And not too expensive.

course expensive

↓

-Yes. -Now go!

↓

Stop that! Stop that!

↓

Go on, clear off! Go away.

clear

↓

And you, clear off!

clear

↓

Bloody weather.

bloody weather

↓

The tale of Sir Lancelot.

lancelot tale

↓

One day, lad, all this will be yours.

↓

-What, the curtains? -No, not the curtains.

curtains

↓

All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys.

hills

↓

That'll be your kingdom, lad.

kingdom thatll

↓

-But, Mother. -Father, lad.

father mother

↓

-But, Father, I dont want any of that. -Listen, lad.

father

↓

I built this kingdom up from nothing! When I started here, it was a swamp.

built kingdom started swamp

↓

Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on the swamp.

build castle daft kings swamp

↓

But I built it all the same to show them.

built

↓

It sank into the swamp.

swamp

↓

So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp.

built second swamp

↓

I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank in the swamp.

built burned fell swamp third

↓

But the fourth one stayed up.

fourth stayed

↓

And that’s what you’ll get, lad.

↓

-The strongest castle in these isles. -But I don’t want any of that.

castle strongest

↓

-I'dd rather... -Rather what?

↓

I’d rather just

↓

-sing. -Stop that.

sing

↓

You’re not going into a song while I’m here!

song

↓

In 20 minutes, you’re marrying a girl

girl marrying minutes

↓

whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

biggest father land open owns

↓

-But I don’t want land. -Listen, Alice.

alice land

↓

-Herbert. -Herbert.

herbert

↓

We live on a bloody swamp, we need all the land we can get.

bloody land live swamp

↓

-But I don’t like her. -Don’t like her?

↓

What’s wrong with her?

↓

She’s beautiful, she’s rich. She’s got huge

huge rich

↓

tracts of land.

land

↓

I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have

girl marry

↓

a certain special something.

certain special

↓

Cut that out!

↓

You’re marrying Princess Lucky, so you’d better get used to the idea!

idea lucky marrying princess used

↓

Guards!

guards

↓

Make sure the Prince doesn’t leave the room until I get him.

prince room

↓

Not to leave the room, even if you come and get him.

room

↓

No. Until I come and get him.

↓

Until you come and get him, we’re not to enter the room.

enter room

↓

No, you stay in the room and make sure he doesn’t leave.

room

↓

-And you’ll come and get him. -Right.

↓

We don't need to do anything, apart from stop him entering the room.

apart entering room

↓

-No. Leaving the room. -Leaving the room, yes.

leaving room

↓

-All right? -Right. If...

↓

-If we’re.... -Yes?

↓

Look, its quite simpIe.

↓

You stay here and make sure he doesn’t leave the room.

room

↓

-All right? -I remember.

remember

↓

Can he leave the room with us?

room

↓

No, you just keep him in here, and make sure..

↓

Yes! Well keep him in here, obviously.

obviously

↓

-But if he had to leave... -No. Keep him in here!

↓

-Until you, or anyone. -Not anyone, just mel

↓

-Just you.. -Get back.

↓

-Right? -Right.

↓

We’ll stay here until you get back.

↓

-And make sure he doesn’t leave. -What?

↓

-Make sure he doesn’t leave. -The Prince?

prince

↓

-Yes, make sure he doesn’t leave. -Yes, of course!

course

↓

I thought you meant him!

meant

↓

It seemed a bit daft me having to guard him when he’s a guard.

daft guard having seemed

↓

-Is that clear? -Quite clear. No problems.

clear problems

↓

Right.

↓

-Where are you going? -We’re coming with you.

coming

↓

No, I want you to stay here, and make sure he doesn’t leave.

↓

I see, right.

↓

-But, Father... -Shut it, and get that suit on.

father suit

↓

And no singing!

singing

↓

Go and get a glass of water!

glass water

↓

-Well taken, Concorde! -Thank you, sir, most kind.

concorde taken

↓

And again!

↓

Over we go! Good, steady!

steady

↓

Now, the big one!

↓

Come on, Concorde!

concorde

↓

Message for you, sir.

message

↓

Concorde, speak to me!

concorde speak

↓

“To whoever finds this note.

finds note

↓

“I have been imprisoned by my father,

father

↓

“who wishes me to marry against my will.

marry wishes

↓

“Please, please come and rescue me.

rescue

↓

''I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle''.

castle swamp tall tower

↓

At last! A call! A cry of distress!

distress

↓

This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail!

grail holy holy-grail leads sign

↓

Brave Concorde, you shall not have died in vain!

brave concorde died vain

↓

I’m not quite dead, sir.

dead

↓

You shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!

vain wounded

↓

I think I could pull through, sir.

pull

↓

-l see. -I think I’m all right to come with you.

↓

No, sweet Concorde! Stay here.

concorde sweet

↓

I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and

accomplished send

↓

heroic rescue in my own particular...

heroic particular rescue

↓

-Idiom, sir? -Idiom!

↓

-No, I feel fine, actually, sir. -Farewell, sweet Concorde!

concorde farewell sweet

↓

Ill just stay here, shall I, sir?

↓

Yeah.

↓

-Morning. -Morning.

morning

↓

Hey!

↓

You’re not allowed to enter the room...

allowed enter room

↓

Fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Lancelot of Camelot.

behold camelot fair humble lancelot servant

↓

-I have come to take... I’m terribly sorry. -You got my note!

note terribly

↓

-I got a note. -You’ve come to rescue me?

note rescue

↓

-Well, no, you see... -I knew someone would.

↓

I knew that somewhere out there, there must be someone..

must

↓

Stop that! Stop it!

↓

Who are you?

↓

-I’m your son. -No, not you.

↓

-Im Sir Lancelot, sir. -Hes come to rescue me, Father.

father lancelot rescue

↓

-Let’s not jump to conclusions -Did you kill all those guards?

conclusions guards jump kill

↓

Yes. Sorry.

↓

-They cost 50 pounds each. -I’m awfully sorry.

awfully cost pounds

↓

Don’t be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot. I’ve got a rope ready.

afraid lancelot ready rope

↓

You killed eight wedding guests and all!

eight guests killed wedding

↓

Well, you see, I thought your son was a lady.

lady

↓

I can understand that.

↓

-Hurry, Sir Lancelot! Hurry! Shut up!

hurry lancelot

↓

-You only killed the bride’s father! -l didn’t mean to.

brides father killed

↓

Didn’t mean to? You put your sword through his head!

head sword

↓

-Oh dear, is he all right? -You kicked the bride in the chest!

bride chest dear kicked

↓

-It’s going to cost me a fortune! -I can explain.

cost explain fortune

↓

I was in the forest, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note.

camelot forest north note riding

↓

-Are you from Camelot? -Hurry, Sir Lancelot!

camelot hurry lancelot

↓

I'm a knight of King Arthur, sir.

arthur king king-arthur knight

↓

Very nice castle, Camelot. Very good pig country.

camelot castle country

↓

-Is it? -I am ready!

ready

↓

-Would you like to come have a drink? -Thats awfully nice of you.

awfully drink

↓

-I am ready! -I mean, to be so understanding.

ready understanding

↓

You see, when I’m in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit carried away.

carried sometimes

↓

Now, this is the main hall. We’ll have all this knocked through...

hall knocked main

↓

-There he is! -Bloody hell.

bloody

↓

-Hold it, please! -See what I mean? I get carried away.

carried

↓

I'm really most awfully sorry. Sorry, everyone.

awfully

↓

He’s killed the best man!

best killed

↓

Hold it, please, hold it! This is Sir Lancelot

lancelot

↓

from the Court of CameIot, a brave and influential knigh.

brave court

↓

-And my special guest here today. -Hallo.

guest special special-guest today

↓

He killed my auntie!

killed

↓

No, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion!

happy occasion supposed

↓

Let’s not bicker and argue about who killed who.

argue killed

↓

We are here today to witness the union of two young people

today union witness young

↓

in the joyful bond of holy wedlock.

bond holy joyful

↓

Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert,

herbert unfortunately

↓

has just fallen to his death.

death fallen

↓

But I don’t want to think I’ve lost a son, so much as

lost

↓

gained a daughter.

daughter gained

↓

For, since the tragic death of her father..

death father tragic

↓

He’s not quite dead!

dead

↓

Since the near fatal wounding of her father..

fatal father near

↓

He’s getting better!

↓

For, since her own father

father

↓

who, when he seemed about to recover,

recover seemed

↓

suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him.

death hand suddenly

↓

He’s died!

died

↓

I want his only daughter to look upon me

daughter

↓

as her own dad, in a very real, and legally binding sense.

binding legally real sense

↓

And I feel sure that the merger, the union between the Princess

merger princess union

↓

and the brave but dangerous Sir Lancelot of Camelot...

brave camelot dangerous lancelot

↓

-What? -Look, the dead Prince!

dead prince

↓

-He’s not quite dead! -I feel much betteri

dead

↓

You fell out of the tall tower, you creep!

creep fell tall tower

↓

-No, I was saved at the last minute. -How?

minute saved

↓

I’ll tell you.

↓

Not like that! Not like that.

↓

He’s going to tell He’s going to tell

↓

Quickly, sir, come this way!

quickly

↓

No, it’s not right for my idiom. I must escape more...

escape must

↓

-Dramatically, sir? -Dramatically.

↓

Excuse me, could somebody give me a push, please?

excuse push somebody

↓

Old crone!

↓

Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?

shrubbery town

↓

-Who sent you? -The knights who say “Ni”!

knights sent

↓

No! We have no shrubberies here.

shrubberies

↓

If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I

friend shrubbery

↓

will say...

↓

We will say “Ni.”

↓

Do your worst!

worst

↓

Very well. If you will not assist us voluntarily...

assist voluntarily

↓

-Ni! -No!

↓

Never. No shrubberies.

shrubberies

↓

-Ni! -No!

↓

No, it’s not that, it’s ‘Ni.”

↓

No, you’re not doing it properly.

properly

↓

-Ni! -You've got it.

↓

-Ni! -Ni!

↓

Are you saying “Ni” to that old woman?

woman

↓

Yes.

↓

What sad times are these when passing ruffians can say “Ni” at will to old ladies.

ladies passing times

↓

There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred.

land sacred

↓

Even those who arrange shrubberies are under considerable economic stress

arrange economic shrubberies stress

↓

at this period in history.

history period

↓

-Did you say ''shrubberies''? -Yes.

shrubberies

↓

Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber.

shrubberies trade

↓

My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

arrange design name roger sell shrubberies

↓

-Ni! -No!

↓

Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery.

brought knights shrubbery

↓

-May we go? -It is a good shrubbery.

shrubbery

↓

I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.

particularly problem

↓

What is that?

↓

We are now no longer the knights who say “Ni.

knights longer

↓

We are now the knights who say,

knights

↓

“Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptang Zoo Boing”!

boing

↓

Therefore, we must give you a test.

must test therefore

↓

What is this test, knights who until recently said “Ni’?

knights recently test

↓

Firstly, you must find

must

↓

another shrubbery!

another shrubbery

↓

Not another shrubbery!

another shrubbery

↓

Then you must bring it here beside this shrubbery.

beside bring must shrubbery

↓

Higher, so you get the two-level effect with a path going down the middle.

effect higher level middle path

↓

A path! A path!

path

↓

Then, when you have found the shrubberies,

found shrubberies

↓

you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest

forest must tree

↓

with a herring!

↓

-We shall do no such thing. -Please.

↓

Cut down a tree with a herring? It can’t be done.

tree

↓

-Don’t say that word. -What word?

word

↓

I cannot tell. Suffice to say,

cannot suffice

↓

it’s one of the words the knights of Ni cannot hear.

cannot knights words

↓

How can we not say the word if you don’t tell us what it is?

word

↓

-He did it again. -What? "Is"?

↓

No, not “is”! You wouldn’t get very far in life not saying “is.”

life

↓

My liege, it’s Robin.

liege robin

↓

He’s jacking it in and packing it up And sneaking away and buggering off

jacking packing sneaking

↓

And chickening out and pissing a pot Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge

bravely pissing sponge throwing

↓

-Robin. -My liege.

liege robin

↓

-It’s good to see you. -Now he’s said the word!

word

↓

You haven’t given up your quest for the Holy Grail?

given grail holy holy-grail quest

↓

He is sneaking away and...

sneaking

↓

Shut up!

↓

-No, far from it. -You said the word again.

word

↓

I was looking for it here in this forest.

forest looking

↓

-No, it is far from this place. -Stop saying the word!

place word

↓

-The word we cannot hear! -Stop it!

cannot word

↓

-He said ''it'' again! -That's it!

↓

I’ve said ‘‘it". I've said "it". I’ve said ''it'' again!

↓

That’s three “its’!

three

↓

And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find

arthur bedevere robin search

↓

the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24.

enchanter scene spoken

↓

Beyond the forest they met Lancelot and Galahad,

beyond forest galahad lancelot

↓

and there was much rejoicing.

↓

In the frozen land of Nador,

frozen land

↓

they were forced to eat Robin’s minstrels.

forced robins

↓

And there was much rejoicing.

↓

A year passed.

passed

↓

Winter changed into spring.

changed spring winter

↓

Spring changed into summer.

changed spring summer

↓

Summer changed back into winter,

changed summer winter

↓

and winter gave spring and summer a miss and went straight on into autumn.

autumn miss spring straight summer winter

↓

Until one day.

↓

Knights,

knights

↓

forward!

forward

↓

What manner of man are you that can summon up fire

fire manner summon

↓

-without flint or tinder? -I am an enchanter.

enchanter

↓

-By what name are you known? -There are some who call me...

known name

↓

-Tim. -Greetings, Tim the enchanter!

enchanter greetings

↓

Greetings, King Arthur.

arthur greetings king king-arthur

↓

-You know my name? -I do.

name

↓

You seek the Holy Grail.

grail holy holy-grail seek

↓

That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, Tim.

hidden quest

↓

Quitel

↓

Yes, we are looking for the Holy Grail.

grail holy holy-grail looking

↓

-Our quest is to find the Holy Grail. -Yes, it is.

grail holy holy-grail quest

↓

-And so we’re looking for it. -Yes, we are.

looking

↓

-We have been for some time. -Ages.

ages

↓

So, anything you could do to help would be

↓

very

↓

-helpful. -Look, can you tell us where...

helpful

↓

Fine, I don’t want to waste any more of your time,

waste

↓

but I don’t suppose you could tell us where we might find a...

might suppose

↓

A what?

↓

A grail?

grail

↓

Yes, I think so.

↓

Yes.

↓

Yes!

↓

-Thank you. -Splendid!

splendid

↓

Look, you’re a busy man...

busy

↓

Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.

grail holy holy-grail

↓

To the north, there lies a cave. The Cave of Caerbannog.

cave lies north

↓

Wherein, carved in mystic runes, upon the very living rock,

carved living rock

↓

the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged

words

↓

make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.

grail holy holy-grail place plain resting

↓

-Where could we find this cave, Tim? -Follow!

cave follow

↓

But follow only if ye be men of valor.

follow

↓

For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature

cave creature entrance

↓

so foul, so cruel,

cruel foul

↓

that no man yet has fought with it and lived.

fought lived

↓

Bones of full 50 men lie strewn about its lair.

bones full lair

↓

So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage

brave courage doubt knights

↓

or your strength, come no further,

further strength

↓

for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.

awaits death nasty pointy teeth

↓

What an eccentric performance!

eccentric performance

↓

They’re nervous, sire.

nervous

↓

Then we’d best leave them here and carry on, on foot.

best carry foot

↓

Dismount!

↓

Behold the Cave of Caerbannog!

behold cave

↓

-Right, keep me covered. -What with?

covered

↓

-Just keep me covered. -Too late.

covered late

↓

There he is!

↓

-Where? -There.

↓

-What, behind the rabbit? -It is the rabbit.

behind rabbit

↓

-You silly sod! -What?

silly

↓

You got us all worked up.

worked

↓

That’s no ordinary rabbit.

ordinary rabbit

↓

Thats the most foul, cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.

cruel eyes foul rodent

↓

You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!

armor scared soiled

↓

Look, that rabbit’s got a vicious streak a mile wide.

mile rabbits streak vicious wide

↓

-It’s a killer! -Get stuffed.

killer stuffed

↓

-He’ll do you up a treat, mate! -Yeah?

mate treat

↓

-You manky Scots git! -I’m warning you.

warning

↓

-What’s he do? Nibble your bum? -He’s got huge, sharp...

huge nibble sharp

↓

It can leap about...

leap

↓

-Look at the bones! -Go on, Bors, chop its head off.

bones chop head

↓

Right. Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew coming right up.

bleeder coming rabbit silly stew

↓

Look!

↓

-Jesus Christ! -I warned you!

christ jesus jesus-christ warned

↓

-I’ve done it again. -I warned you.

warned

↓

But did you listen to me? No, you knew it all, didn’t you?

↓

It’s just a harmless little bunny, isn’t it? Well, it’s always the same.

bunny harmless

↓

-I always... -Shut up!

↓

Charge!

charge

↓

Run away!

↓

-How many did we lose? -Gawain.

lose

↓

-Ector. -And Bors. That’s five.

five

↓

-Three. -Three.

three three-three

↓

We better not risk another frontal assault, that rabbit’s dynamite.

another assault dynamite rabbits risk

↓

Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?

confuse

↓

-Shut up and change your armor. -Let us taunt it.

armor change taunt

↓

lit may become so cross that it will make a mistake.

become cross mistake

↓

Like what?

↓

Well...

↓

-Have we got bows? -No.

↓

-We have the Holy Hand Grenade. -Yes, of course!

course grenade hand hand-grenade holy

↓

The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

grenade hand hand-grenade holy

↓

It’s one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries.

brother carries sacred

↓

Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade.

bring brother grenade hand hand-grenade holy

↓

How does it...

↓

How does it work?

↓

-l know not, my liege. -Consult the Book of Armaments.

book consult liege

↓

Armaments 2: 9-21.

↓

“And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying,

grenade hand hand-grenade raised

↓

“O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayest

bless grenade hand hand-grenade lord thou

↓

“blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy''.

bits blow enemies mercy tiny

↓

“And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon

feast grin lord

↓

“the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans

anchovies lambs

↓

“and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and..''

bats breakfast fruit fruit-bats

↓

Skip a bit, Brother.

brother skip

↓

“The Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin,

holy lord shalt thou

↓

“then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.

count less shalt thou three

↓

“Three shalt be the number thou shalt count,

count number shalt thou three

↓

''and the number of the counting shalt be three.

counting number shalt three

↓

“Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two,

count four shalt thou

↓

''excepting that thou then proceed to three.

proceed thou three

↓

“Five is right out.

five

↓

“Once the number three, being the third number be reached,

number number-three reached third three

↓

“then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch

grenade hand hand-grenade holy thou

↓

“towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight,

naughty sight

↓

“shall snuff it.”

snuff

↓

Amen.

amen

↓

Right.

↓

One, two, five!

five

↓

-Three, sir! Three!

three

↓

There! Look!

↓

-What does it say? -What language is that?

language

↓

Brother Maynard, you’re our scholar.

brother scholar

↓

It is Aramaic!

↓

Of course. Joseph of Arimathea!

course joseph

↓

-Of course. -What does it say?

course

↓

It reads, “Here may be found

found reads

↓

“the last words of Joseph of Arimathea

joseph words

↓

He who is valiant and pure of spirit

pure spirit valiant

↓

‘may find the Holy Grail

grail holy holy-grail

↓

“in the Castle of Aaargh.’’

aaargh castle

↓

What?

↓

“The Castle of Aaargh.”

aaargh castle

↓

What is that?

↓

He must have died while carving it.

carving died must

↓

-Come on! -Thats what it says.

↓

Look, if he was dying, he wouldn’t bother to carve “Aaargh.”

aaargh bother carve dying

↓

-He’d just say it. -That’s what’s carved in the rock.

carved rock

↓

-Perhaps he was dictating it. -Shut up!

perhaps

↓

-Does it say anything else? -No!

↓

Just “Aaargh.”

aaargh

↓

Aaargh.

aaargh

↓

Do you suppose he meant the Camargue?

meant suppose

↓

-Where’s that? -In France, I think.

france

↓

-Isn’t there a St. Aaargh’s in Cornwall? -No, that’s St. Ives.

↓

St. Ives.

↓

No, “Aaargh.” At the back of the throat.

aaargh throat

↓

No, ‘Ooh,’ in surprise and alarm!

alarm surprise

↓

-You mean a sort of an “Ah!” -Yes, that’s right.

↓

My God!

↓

It’s the legendary Black Beast ...

beast black legendary

↓

That’s it! Run away!

↓

Keep running.

running

↓

We’ve lost him.

lost

↓

As the horrendous Black Beast lunged foiward,

beast black

↓

escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless.

arthur escape hopeless knights seemed

↓

When, suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack.

attack fatal heart heart-attack suddenly suffered

↓

The cartoon peril was no more.

cartoon peril

↓

The quest for the Holy Grail could continue.

continue grail holy holy-grail quest

↓

There it is!

↓

-The Bridge of Death. -Great.

bridge death

↓

Look! There’s the old man from Scene 24.

scene

↓

-What’s he doing here? -He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death.

bridge death keeper

↓

He asks each traveler five questions.

asks five questions traveler

↓

-Three questions! -Three questions.

questions questions-three three three-questions

↓

-He who answers the five questions... -Three questions.

answers five questions questions-three three three-questions

↓

-... three questions, may cross in safety. -What if you get a question wrong?

cross question questions safety three three-questions

↓

Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

cast eternal peril

↓

-Oh, wacko. -Who’s going to answer the questions?

answer questions

↓

Brave Sir Robin, you go.

brave robin

↓

I’ve got a great idea.

idea

↓

Why doesn’t Lancelot go?

lancelot

↓

Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed.

handed liege single

↓

-I shall make a feint to the northeast... -Hang on!

hang northeast

↓

-Just answer the five questions... -Three questions.

answer five questions questions-three three three-questions

↓

...three questions, as best you can. And we shall watch and pray.

best pray questions three three-questions watch

↓

I understand, my liege.

liege

↓

Good luck, brave Sir Lancelot. God be with you.

brave lancelot luck

↓

Stop!

↓

Who would cross the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three.

answer bridge cross death must questions questions-three three

↓

Ere the other side he see.

side

↓

Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I’m not afraid.

afraid questions

↓

-What is your name? -My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.

camelot lancelot name

↓

What is your quest?

quest

↓

To seek the Holy Grail.

grail holy holy-grail seek

↓

What is your favorite color?

color favorite favorite-color

↓

-Blue. -Right. Off you go.

blue

↓

Well, thank you very much.

↓

That’s easy.

easy

↓

Stop.

↓

Who approacheth the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three.

answer bridge death must questions questions-three three

↓

Ere the other side he see.

side

↓

Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I’m not afraid.

afraid questions

↓

-What is your name? -Sir Robin of Camelot.

camelot name robin

↓

-What is your quest? -To seek the Holy Grail.

grail holy holy-grail quest seek

↓

What is the capital of Assyria?

capital

↓

I don’t know that!

↓

Stop!

↓

-What is your name? -Sir Galahad of Camelot.

camelot galahad name

↓

-What is your quest? -I seek the Grail.

grail quest seek

↓

-What is your favorite color? -Blue.

blue color favorite favorite-color

↓

No! Yellow!

yellow

↓

Stop!

↓

-What is your name? -It is Arthur, King of the Britons.

arthur arthur-king britons king name

↓

-What is your quest? -To seek the Holy Grail.

grail holy holy-grail quest seek

↓

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

speed swallow velocity

↓

What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

african european swallow

↓

I don’t know that!

↓

How do you know so much about swallows?

swallows

↓

You have to know these things when you’re a king.

king

↓

Lancelot!

lancelot

↓

Lancelot!

lancelot

↓

Lancelot!

lancelot

↓

The Castle Aaargh. Our quest is at an end.

aaargh castle quest

↓

God be praised.

↓

Almighty God,

almighty

↓

we thank thee, that thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy...

hast holy thee thou

↓

Jesus Christ!

christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

Hello, stuffy English knights

english knights stuffy

↓

and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know.

arthur arthur-king brain duck king monsieur

↓

So, we French fellows outwit you a second time.

fellows french second

↓

How dare you profane this place with your presence?

dare place presence

↓

I command you, in the name of the knights of Camelot,

camelot command knights name

↓

to open the doors of this sacred castlel

doors open sacred

↓

to which God himself has guided us.

guided

↓

How you English say? One more time, I unclog my nose in your direction,

direction english nose

↓

Sons of a window-dresser!

dresser sons window

↓

So, you think you couId out-clever us French folk

clever folk french

↓

with your silly knees-bent, running about, advancing behavior.

behavior bent knees running silly

↓

I wave my private parts at your aunties.

parts private wave

↓

You cheesy lot of second-hand electric donkey-bottom biters!

bottom cheesy donkey electric hand second

↓

In the name of the Lord,

lord name

↓

we demand entrance to this sacred castle!

castle demand entrance sacred

↓

No chance, English bed-wetting types.

chance english types

↓

I burst my pimples at you, and call your door-opening request a silly thing!

burst door door-opening opening request silly

↓

You tiny-brained wipers of other people’s bottoms.

bottoms brained peoples tiny

↓

If you’ll not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!

castle door force open

↓

In the name of God and the glory of our...

glory name

↓

Right! That settles it!

settles

↓

Depart at this time, and donut be approaching any more,

approaching donut

↓

or we fire arrows into your heads, and make castanets out of your testicles.

arrows fire heads testicles

↓

Walk away, just ignore them.

ignore walk

↓

And now remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk!

bugger faced folk gone illegitimate remain

↓

And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain’t heard

aint heard nasty

↓

nothing yet, stuffy English knights!

english knights stuffy

↓

-We shall attack at once. -Yes, my liege.

attack liege

↓

Stand by for attack!

attack stand

↓

French persons!

french persons

↓

Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged.

blood knight today valiant

↓

In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight

fight name

↓

till each one of you lies dead, and the Holy Grail

dead grail holy holy-grail lies till

↓

returns to those whom God has chosen.

chosen returns

↓

Charge!

charge

↓

Yes, they’re the ones, I’m sure.

ones

↓

-Come on. -Put this man in the van.

↓

-Put him in the van. -Get a blanket over that one.

blanket

↓

Come on, back! Right back!

↓

That’s an offensive weapon, that is

offensive weapon

↓

All right, sonny, that’s enough. Pack that in.

pack