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Home » Dude, Where's My Car? » S01E01 — Dude, Where's My Car?

Dude, Where's My Car?

Season 1, Episode 1 — Dude, Where's My Car?

↓

What's up?

↓

- Animal Planet.

animal animal-planet planet

↓

Man, I just had the craziest dream.

craziest dream

↓

- About what? - I don't remember.

remember

↓

- Yeah. Yeah. - I hate that.

hate

↓

- Chimpanzees are... - Morning, guys.

morning

↓

Morning, Gene.

gene morning

↓

What did we do last night?

night

↓

I don't know. Wait.

↓

- Didn't the twins have a party? - Yeah, that's it.

party twins

↓

- The twins had a party. Right. - Right.

party twins

↓

Were we there?

↓

I'm assuming we were. What kind of boyfriends would we be if we weren't?

assuming boyfriends

↓

Did I get any messages?

messages

↓

Nope.

nope

↓

See you tomorrow, Gene.

gene tomorrow

↓

Shibby.

shibby

↓

- How do you know Gene? - Huh?

gene

↓

Oh, I thought he was your friend.

friend

↓

No, no. I don't know him.

↓

- Chimpanzees are lively... - I'm starving!

lively starving

↓

It's... pudding.

pudding

↓

I always wondered what a fridge full of pudding would look like.

fridge full pudding wondered

↓

Is it possible that we got so wasted last night...

night possible wasted

↓

that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it?

bought forgot lifetime lifetime-supply pudding supply

↓

I'd say it's entirely possible.

entirely possible

↓

Jesse and Chester are shibby at the moment.

chester jesse moment shibby

↓

Please leave your shibby at the beep. Shibby!

beep shibby

↓

What happened to you guys last night?

happened night

↓

You show up with a bunch of people, pizzas and a keg, and now our house is trashed.

bunch house pizzas trashed

↓

You guys are sucky boyfriends. You're always disappointing us.

boyfriends disappointing sucky

↓

And now you're probably just sitting on the couch in your underwear...

couch sitting underwear

↓

- Playing stupid thumb wars... - Wearing those ridiculous army helmets...

army helmets playing ridiculous stupid thumb wars wearing

↓

And if you are, you've probably forgotten our anniversary.

anniversary forgotten

↓

Which is today.

today

↓

That means you don't get the special treats we had in store for you.

special special-treats store treats

↓

We just wanted to call and thank you guys for trashing our house.

house wanted

↓

- Bye! - Twins sound pissed, dude.

pissed sound twins

↓

- Good thing we already bought them gifts. - Yeah.

bought gifts

↓

So...

↓

where are the gifts?

gifts

↓

- They must be in your car. - Right, they're in the car.

must

↓

So we'll just take the gifts over to the twins' house and get our special treats.

gifts house special special-treats treats twins twins-house

↓

What do you think they mean by "special treats"?

special special-treats treats

↓

We've been going out with the twins for a year now, and we still haven't had sex.

twins

↓

"Special treats" is code for sex.

code special special-treats treats

↓

Of course!

course

↓

- Special treats. - Sex.

special special-treats treats

↓

Open up, you two slackers! Mr. Pizzacoli.

open

↓

You guys left work last night with 30 pizzas that didn't get delivered...

delivered left night pizzas

↓

- and I want some answers! - Uh-oh.

answers

↓

- Open up this damn door! - It's open!

door open

↓

One of them's smushed.

thems

↓

- Hey. - Hey.

↓

Mr. Pizzacoli! Hi!

↓

- How you doin'? - Thirty pizzas didn't get delivered last night!

delivered doin night pizzas thirty

↓

If I ever found out you was taking my pizza home for your own eatin' pleasure...

eatin found home pizza pleasure

↓

I will crush you like a doodlebug!

crush

↓

- Look! It's an elephant! - What?

elephant

↓

I guess it was the mailman.

mailman

↓

You two are the most irresponsible...

irresponsible

↓

not to mention disappointing, employees ever to work...

disappointing employees mention

↓

at Mr. Pizzacoli's Pronto Pizza Delivery!

delivery pizza

↓

Why, a trained dolphin could do a better job than you!

dolphin trained

↓

Well, sure, but then the pizzas would get all wet.

pizzas

↓

Look, a unicorn!

unicorn

↓

A unicorn?

unicorn

↓

Sorry. I guess it was just a regular horse. Weird.

horse regular weird

↓

I know you've been embezzling my pizza...

pizza

↓

and I will catch you eventually.

catch eventually

↓

And when I do, I swear to God you will never...

swear

↓

deliver pizzas in this town again!

deliver pizzas town

↓

Close one. Yeah.

close

↓

We'll go to the twins' house. We'll give them their anniversary gifts.

anniversary anniversary-gifts gifts house twins twins-house

↓

And then we'll apologize for trashing their house. Then we get our special treats.

apologize house special special-treats treats

↓

- Dude, where's my car? - Where's your car, dude?

↓

Dude, where's my car?

↓

- Where's your car, dude? - Dude, where's my car?

↓

Where's your car, dude?

↓

- Did I drive last night? - Yeah, I think so.

drive night

↓

- Really? - I'm not sure.

↓

Dude, where's your car?

↓

Dude, it's not funny, dude. The car is gone.

funny gone

↓

- Yeah. - Dude, where's my car?

↓

- Shut up, dude! - Look...

↓

Okay. Look. You're right. I know what we need to do.

↓

We need to get back into the state of mind that we were in last night.

mind night state

↓

- That way, we could retrace our steps. - Yeah.

retrace steps

↓

Sense memory, simulated perception, altered-consciousness memory retrieval.

consciousness memory perception retrieval sense

↓

- Discovery Channel. - Nice. Nelson's?

channel discovery

↓

- Shibby. - Yeah.

shibby

↓

- I'm sick of walking, dude. - Me too.

sick walking

↓

Hey, it's Mrs. Crabbleman. She'll give us a ride.

ride shell

↓

Hey, Mrs. Crabbleman!

↓

Hey! Hey!

↓

Mrs. Crabbleman.

↓

Fuckin' stoners.

fuckin

↓

She must not have recognized you. Hey, it's the Binglemans.

must recognized

↓

- Oh, hey. - Mr. Bingleman!

↓

Hey. Mr. Bingleman.

↓

- Maybe we should just walk. - Yeah.

walk

↓

Listen, Nelson, the car is gone, and we need to do...

gone nelson

↓

this little sense memory thing...

memory sense

↓

so we can get back into the state of mind we were in last night.

mind night state

↓

Deep in your consciousness you must look.

consciousness deep must

↓

Concentrate on the knowledge inside you must.

concentrate knowledge must

↓

Aha! Your eyes you must close.

close eyes must

↓

Then you take it to the mo.

↓

M... Mo!

↓

- Mo! - Oops.

oops

↓

Concentrating you're not, dudes.

dudes

↓

Sorry.

↓

- Is your dog dead? - He's not dead.

dead

↓

Come here, Jackyl. Come here, boy.

jackyl

↓

- I don't think he's comin'. - Maybe he's deaf, dude.

comin deaf

↓

Deaf he is not, dude. Come here, Jackyl. Come here, Jackyl.

deaf jackyl

↓

Does he know any other tricks besides not moving?

besides moving tricks

↓

Man. All right. You wanna see a trick, man?

trick

↓

Hey, Jackyl.

jackyl

↓

Yeah. Bite down, killer.

bite killer

↓

Here comes the fun. All right.

comes fun

↓

Aw, good boy, Jackyl. Good boy.

jackyl

↓

Breathe deep.

breathe deep

↓

There you go.

↓

- Dude, your dog's a stoner. - Can he also bong a beer?

beer bong dogs

↓

- Pretty much all he does is lie around and smoke his pipe.

pipe smoke

↓

- Jackyl, can I see your pipe? - No, don't...

jackyl pipe

↓

Very protective he is of his pipe.

pipe protective

↓

When other people touch it, he does not like.

touch

↓

Sorry, Jackyl.

jackyl

↓

Yeah. See, he's sorry.

↓

- Holy crap. - That's one psycho dog, dude.

holy psycho

↓

- Yeah. You know what we should do now? -Eat?

↓

No, eat.

↓

Ah. Choice excellent, my friend. I'll get the keys.

choice excellent friend keys

↓

Hey, Nelson, let me order.

nelson order

↓

Chinese Foooood. May I help you?

chinese

↓

- I'd like to place an order. - What you like?

order place

↓

- Yeah, I'd like, uh, three orders of garlic chicken. - And then?

chicken garlic orders three three-orders

↓

- And then three orders of white rice. - And then?

orders rice three three-orders white

↓

And then...

↓

- Oh, hey, you guys want soup? - Sure.

soup

↓

Yeah, three orders of wonton soup.

orders soup three three-orders

↓

- And then? - Oh, some fortune cookies too.

cookies fortune fortune-cookies

↓

- And then? - Uh... actually, I think that's about it.

↓

And then?

↓

No, that's it.

↓

- And then? - No "and then." That's all I want.

↓

And then?

↓

And then... And then, um...

↓

And then nothin' else 'cause I'm done ordering, okay?

nothin ordering

↓

And then?

↓

Uh, no, no. See, all I want...

↓

is the three orders of the garlic chicken and the three orders of rice.

chicken garlic orders rice three three-orders

↓

- And then? - And the soup, dude.

soup

↓

Oh, and the wonton soup.

soup

↓

- And then? - And the cookies fortune.

cookies fortune

↓

And the fortune cookies, yeah.

cookies fortune fortune-cookies

↓

So, it's just the, uh... it's the chicken...

chicken

↓

the rice, the soup and the fortune cookies, and that's it.

cookies fortune fortune-cookies rice soup

↓

And then?

↓

And then, uh, you could put it in a brown paper bag...

brown paper

↓

and put it in my hand 'cause I'm ready to eat.

hand ready

↓

And then?

↓

Hey, I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games.

chinese chinese-food food games mind mind-games refuse

↓

- And then? - No! No "and then"!

↓

- And then? And then? - No "and then"!

↓

- No "and then"! - And then? - No "and then"!

↓

- And then? And then? - No "and then"!

↓

- No! No "and then." - And theeennnn?

↓

- You know, you're really starting to piss me off, lady. - And then?

lady piss starting

↓

And then... I'm gonna come in there...

↓

and I'm gonna put my foot in your ass...

foot

↓

if you say "and then" again!

↓

- And then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then...

↓

And then?

↓

Come on, Nelson. Just help us find my car!

nelson

↓

You know, you didn't have to go all aggro on that speaker box.

speaker

↓

Well, I'm not the one that called the Dalai Lama a fag.

called

↓

- I was just kidding around. - Well, Nelson didn't appreciate it, okay?

appreciate kidding nelson

↓

Look. It's Christie Boner.

boner christie

↓

Wow! The hottest of the hot.

hottest

↓

El fuego of all that is el fuego.

fuego

↓

Did she just wave at us?

wave

↓

No way. She would never wave at us.

wave

↓

Then why did she just wave at us?

wave

↓

I don't know. Maybe she thinks we're other people...

thinks

↓

people she waves to.

waves

↓

- Hi, Chester. - Hi.

chester

↓

Hi, Jesse. I had a really good time with you last night.

jesse night

↓

Uh... me too.

↓

- That was some crazy party, huh? - Hey, have you seen my car?

crazy party seen

↓

Well, I saw it last night.

night

↓

I mean, I saw the back seat.

seat

↓

Oh, I'm talking about the whole thing.

whole

↓

Why don't you just buy another one with all the money you were throwin' around?

another money throwin

↓

- Money? - Don't you remember you had that suitcase full of money?

full money remember suitcase

↓

A suitcase full of money?

full money suitcase

↓

Don't you remember giving me $500...

giving remember

↓

to show you my hoo-hoos?

↓

Five hundred dollars?

dollars five five-hundred hundred hundred-dollars

↓

- Hoo-hoos? - You mean...

↓

you don't remember anything?

remember

↓

- How about now? - No.

↓

How about now?

↓

I'm a little bit fuzzy too. Maybe if I could get...

fuzzy

↓

a little refresher course here.

course refresher

↓

All right.

↓

- Are these losers bothering you, Christie? - No, Tommy.

bothering christie losers tommy

↓

Guys like you could never score with a chick like this.

chick score

↓

- Stick to your own kind. - Why do you have to be such a jerk?

jerk stick

↓

Next time I catch you guys bothering my girlfriend, stoner-bashing time.

bashing bothering catch girlfriend

↓

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

↓

Okay.

↓

Consider this your warning.

consider warning

↓

Later, dudes!

dudes

↓

Dude, you just touched Christie Boner's hoo-hoo.

boners christie touched

↓

Low five.

five

↓

Let's get out of here.

↓

Chester!

chester

↓

That Christie Boner is superhot.

boner christie

↓

Where did we get a suitcase full of money, man? And why don't we have it now?

full money suitcase

↓

Maybe we deposited it in a Swiss bank account.

account bank bank-account swiss

↓

Now, if we had a ridiculous sum of money, where would we go?

money ridiculous

↓

Dude.

↓

Sweet.

sweet

↓

No way we were here last night.

night

↓

We'd never fit in at a place like this.

place

↓

Look, everyone. It's Mr. Jesse and Mr. Chester.

chester jesse

↓

Look at the tuggles on that kitten.

kitten

↓

Good afternoon, Jesse, Chester. How are we feeling today?

afternoon chester feeling jesse today

↓

A little fuzzy.

fuzzy

↓

Hi, Chester. Hi, Jesse.

chester jesse

↓

Did you guys enjoy yourselves last night?

enjoy night yourselves

↓

Uh... have we met?

↓

It's me... Tania. Remember last night...

night remember

↓

that superspecial, slippery...

slippery

↓

wet lap dance?

dance

↓

Uh... of course. How can I forget?

course forget

↓

You want to do it again?

↓

This time, it's on me.

↓

Uh... if you say so.

↓

Didn't I get some sort of special lap dance?

dance special

↓

Did you ever.

↓

Sweet!

sweet

↓

Sweet!

sweet

↓

So...

↓

just how superspecial can a slippery lap dance be?

dance slippery

↓

What the hell were you thinking, throwing my money around?

money thinking throwing

↓

- That wasn't part of the plan. - You're a...

part plan

↓

I'm a gender-challenged male.

challenged gender male

↓

What does that mean?

↓

Oh, dude, you're a dude! That's...

↓

Ah... You...

↓

It's...

↓

Last night, I had the two of you sneak a suitcase of stolen money out of the club.

club money night sneak stolen stolen-money suitcase

↓

- Stolen money? I... - $200,000.

money stolen stolen-money

↓

- $200,000? - I gave you the suitcase and left.

left suitcase

↓

You guys were supposed to meet me, but you never showed up.

meet showed supposed

↓

Where's that suitcase?

suitcase

↓

- I don't know. - You don't know?

↓

Where's that suitcase?

suitcase

↓

- It's... in my car. - Then get it, fast...

fast

↓

or else you'll be singing soprano.

singing

↓

Dude. Dude, dude!

↓

- We gotta go. - What, are you crazy?

crazy

↓

I'm surrounded by break-dancing strippers.

break dancing strippers surrounded

↓

Seriously, dude, this is an emergency.

emergency

↓

So is this, dude. It's a break-dancing stripper emergency.

break dancing emergency stripper

↓

- Bye! - Bye!

↓

- Bye, Chester! - I love you!

chester love

↓

Apparently, we were supposed to meet her with the suitcase...

apparently meet suitcase supposed

↓

and we just didn't show up.

↓

- Sounds like us. How wasted were we last night? - Aw, man.

night sounds wasted

↓

Well, I touched Christie Boner's hoo-hoo;

boners christie touched

↓

we're on the hook for $200,000 that belongs to a transsexual stripper;

belongs hook stripper transsexual

↓

and my car is gone.

gone

↓

- I'd say we were pretty wasted. - Dude, we really need to find your car.

wasted

↓

Okay, let's see. The last place we remember being last night was...

night place remember

↓

The twins. But we can't show up without the anniversary gifts.

anniversary anniversary-gifts gifts twins

↓

I got it. We'll just get 'em a little something for now.

↓

And then when we find the car, we'll give 'em the real gifts.

gifts real

↓

Got a dollar... what do you got... thirty-nine.

dollar nine thirty

↓

- I don't know. - Trust me.

trust

↓

- It's gonna be totally cool. - Okay.

cool

↓

We are so dead.

dead

↓

I roger that.

roger

↓

We've been cleaning all morning. What do you guys have to say for yourselves?

cleaning morning yourselves

↓

Happy anniversary!

anniversary happy happy-anniversary

↓

Huh?

↓

We ate all the dark ones 'cause we know you guys don't like those.

dark ones

↓

Dark ones are the only ones we do like.

dark ones

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

But y-y-you... you could use the box to keep...

↓

You'd keep... ribbons.

ribbons

↓

You guys forgot our anniversary, didn't you?

anniversary forgot

↓

Of course not, no. We got you guys great gifts. We just had some car trouble.

course gifts trouble

↓

Yeah. But we came over here as soon as we could to help you clean up, but...

clean

↓

Oh, no. It looks like you're already done.

↓

All we have to do is take out the trash.

trash

↓

Guess they haven't been outside yet. Oh.

↓

You know what? We'll take out the trash. You guys take a nice, hot bath.

bath trash

↓

Yeah. You deserve it after all this hard work. Go ahead and pamper yourselves.

ahead deserve go-ahead hard yourselves

↓

Just don't make a mess.

mess

↓

- Slow and steady, good buddy. - Ten-four.

buddy four slow steady

↓

- You're tilting. Why are you tilting? - Sorry.

↓

- You gave me the heavy end. - Wait.

heavy

↓

- Let it go, man. - No, we can get it.

↓

No. Let it go.

↓

We're not leaving it behind.

behind leaving

↓

Okay.

↓

I'll take my shoe off. Okay.

shoe

↓

Whoa! Whoa, whoa.

whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

Watch it. Stop pushing! Watch it!

pushing watch

↓

- Are we cool? Are we cool? - We're still cool.

cool

↓

Now, take your shoe off, and you get it.

shoe

↓

- Okay. - Get it. That's it. That's it, that's it.

↓

I got it! I got it!

↓

Oh, my God!

↓

Aah!

↓

You guys can't do anything right.

↓

Why do you have to mess everything up?

mess

↓

Oh!

↓

I got three words: anger management.

anger management three words

↓

Yeah! Dude, we really need to find your car.

↓

Hey!

↓

Ow!

↓

Hey. Sorry about yanking you off the street like that, but we really need to talk to you.

street yanking

↓

- Who are you guys? - My name is Zarnoff.

name

↓

This is Zabu, Zellnor...

↓

Zelbor, Zelmina and, uh, Jeff.

jeff

↓

Hey.

↓

To answer your question more specifically...

answer question specifically

↓

we are the recipients of instructions from extraterrestrials...

instructions

↓

regarding the interstellar path to outer space.

interstellar outer outer-space path regarding space

↓

Oh.

↓

Go ahead and laugh. We are used to being mocked.

ahead go-ahead laugh mocked used

↓

Okay.

↓

We have been sent by our wise and powerful leader...

leader powerful sent wise

↓

- Zoltan. - To find you...

zoltan

↓

and recover the Continuum Transfunctioner.

continuum continuum-transfunctioner recover transfunctioner

↓

Hey... have you guys ever been to Uranus?

↓

Yeah, it's supposed to be really nice this time of year.

supposed

↓

This is important. We intercepted an interstellar message...

intercepted interstellar message

↓

that leads us to believe that last night you were in possession...

believe leads night possession

↓

of the Continuum Transfunctioner. Where is it now?

continuum continuum-transfunctioner transfunctioner

↓

- The who, what? - The Continuum Transfunctioner...

continuum continuum-transfunctioner transfunctioner

↓

is a very mysterious and powerful device.

device mysterious powerful

↓

- And? - And its mystery...

mystery

↓

is exceeded only by its power.

exceeded power

↓

I'm sorry, but we don't remember a thing about last night.

night remember

↓

You must be careful.

careful must

↓

Danger follows the Continuum Transfunctioner. So says...

continuum continuum-transfunctioner danger follows transfunctioner

↓

- Zoltan. - Zoltan.

zoltan

↓

I'll tell you what. You know, we'll keep our eyes out...

eyes

↓

for the Continual Trans-ding-a-ling thing...

ding ling trans

↓

and if we see it, we'll give you a call.

↓

You must. But remember, you are in great danger. Trust no one.

danger must remember trust

↓

- Except for us. - Oh, yes.

except

↓

Thank you, Jeff. Good point. Trust no one, except for us.

except jeff point trust

↓

Zoltan.

zoltan

↓

Wait a second. Let's recap.

recap second

↓

Last night, we lost my car; we accepted stolen money from a transsexual stripper;

accepted lost money night stolen stolen-money stripper transsexual

↓

and now some space nerds want us to find something we can't pronounce.

nerds pronounce space

↓

I hate to say it, Chester, but maybe we should cut back on the shibbyin'.

chester hate

↓

Thanks, dude.

thanks

↓

Oh, good!

↓

- You're right on time. You pick up special suits. - Huh?

pick special suits

↓

Mr. Lee, tailor, make special suits for you.

special suits tailor

↓

Come on!

↓

Ohh! Dude, you got a tattoo!

tattoo

↓

What? So do you, dude!

↓

No!

↓

- Dude, what does my tattoo say? - "Sweet"!

sweet tattoo

↓

- What about mine? - "Dude." What does mine say?

↓

- "Sweet." What about mine? - "Dude." What does mine say?

sweet

↓

- "Sweet." What about mine? - "Dude." What does mine say?

sweet

↓

- "Sweet." What about mine? - "Dude." What does mine say?

sweet

↓

"Sweet"! What about mine?

sweet

↓

"Dude." What does mine say?

↓

Sweeeet-ah! What about mine?

↓

Duuude-ah! What does mine say?

↓

Sweeeet! I've had it.

↓

Idiots!

idiots

↓

Your tattoo says "dude." Your tattoo says "sweet."

sweet tattoo

↓

- Got it? - Oh.

↓

- Ai-yah! - Sorry.

↓

Hey...

↓

Sorry. Sorry.

↓

- Shibby! - Very sharp. Very sharp.

sharp shibby

↓

You two number one, extra-special, very good-looking guys.

extra looking number special

↓

- We bought these last night? - Yeah.

bought night

↓

You were pretty... last night.

night

↓

- How much are these? - You already paid for.

paid

↓

I just do some minor alterations... you know, add the secret pockets you order.

minor order pockets secret

↓

Hey, maybe we got the Continual Trans-sphincter. What's...

trans

↓

Oh, dude!

↓

Dude!

↓

Sweet!

sweet

↓

- Cool. - Excuse me, but how did we pay for these suits?

cool excuse suits

↓

You pay cash. Cold, hard cash.

cash cold hard

↓

Crispy, new hundred dollar bills.

bills crispy dollar hundred

↓

You didn't, by chance, see what car we were driving, did you?

chance driving

↓

Me? No, I don't see no car.

↓

Hello.

↓

Dude, we bought cell phones.

bought cell cell-phones phones

↓

That's not all we bought, dude.

bought

↓

Shibby!

shibby

↓

Man, I cannot believe we leased a car last night. God!

believe cannot cannot-believe night

↓

- But who's Johnny Potsmoker? - That's my alter ego.

alter johnny

↓

- Wait. No, I thought that was my alter ego. - No!

alter

↓

That's my alter ego. Your alter ego is Smokey McPot.

alter smokey

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

- Dude, you're never gonna figure that thing out.

figure

↓

Okay, dude. There it is. Break time's over.

break times

↓

Time to find my car.

↓

This is impossible.

impossible

↓

Are you Jesse and Chester?

chester jesse

↓

- Huh? - Are you Jesse and Chester?

chester jesse

↓

Uh... I don't know. Why?

↓

If you are Jesse and Chester, perhaps we will give you erotic pleasure.

chester erotic jesse perhaps pleasure

↓

- That's us. - Right here.

↓

- We are looking for the Continuum Transfunctioner. - Who are you guys?

continuum continuum-transfunctioner looking transfunctioner

↓

We are not guys. We are hot chicks.

chicks

↓

She's totally right.

↓

The Continuum Transfunctioner is a very mysterious and powerful device.

continuum continuum-transfunctioner device mysterious powerful transfunctioner

↓

- And? - And its mystery is only exceeded by its power.

exceeded mystery power

↓

Well, that doesn't really help.

↓

We will give you pleasure now if you give us the Continuum Transfunctioner.

continuum continuum-transfunctioner pleasure transfunctioner

↓

Let me get your proposition straight.

proposition straight

↓

First, you give us the... pleasure...

pleasure

↓

then we give you the Continuum Transfunctioner?

continuum continuum-transfunctioner transfunctioner

↓

No. First, you give us the Continuum Transfunctioner...

continuum continuum-transfunctioner transfunctioner

↓

then we give you the pleasure.

pleasure

↓

I've heard that one before.

heard

↓

Look. How about this?

↓

You give me pleasure...

pleasure

↓

then we'll give you the Continuum Transfunctioner.

continuum continuum-transfunctioner transfunctioner

↓

- Then, if there’s time, you could take care of my friend. - Deal.

care deal friend

↓

- Sweet! Oh, thank you. - Will you wait a second, please?

second sweet

↓

Come here. Dude, those space nerds told us not to trust anybody.

anybody nerds space trust

↓

Yeah. But, for the love of God, they're offering us oral pleasure.

love offering oral pleasure

↓

Wh...

↓

Okay.

↓

Hey, where did the hot chicks go?

chicks

↓

Where's my money, boys?

boys money

↓

Uh, we were just going to get it.

↓

You guys picked the wrong transsexual stripper to screw with.

picked screw stripper transsexual

↓

- You're pinching me. - Ha!

↓

Let's see what the cops have to say about this, huh?

cops

↓

You're busted.

busted

↓

Busted! B-U-S-T.

busted

↓

Busted!

busted

↓

What the... Chester!

chester

↓

I saw this on Cops! Hit hard and hit back!

cops hard

↓

- Bye-bye, boys. - Can you put on the siren?

boys siren

↓

So, you're sticking to the "I don't remember" crap?

remember sticking

↓

Yeah. We don't remember.

remember

↓

Last night, your car was spotted leaving the scene of a major drug deal.

deal drug leaving major night scene spotted

↓

Wait. You found my car?

found

↓

Believe me, you guys got more important things to worry about right now.

believe worry

↓

Where were you between the hours of midnight and 2:00 a.m. last night?

hours midnight night

↓

I told you. Okay, we... we don't remember anything.

remember

↓

I see we're gonna have to do this the hard way.

hard

↓

Where were you last night between the hours of midnight and 2:00 a.m.?

hours midnight night

↓

We... We don't know.

↓

What the...

↓

- Now do you remember? - No.

remember

↓

- How about now? - No.

↓

Hey! Leave him alone! He doesn't know anything!

alone

↓

- Now are you ready to talk? - Dude, we don't remember.

ready remember

↓

Okay. Here are the whips you guys wanted.

wanted whips

↓

Hey.

↓

- It's the doughnut guys. - Huh?

doughnut

↓

These two were at the Frenchy Donut House last night when me and Louie came in.

donut frenchy house louie night

↓

We started talkin', and they ended up buying doughnuts for the whole precinct.

buying doughnuts ended started talkin whole

↓

Oh. What time did all this happen?

happen

↓

Uh, let's see. Must've been between midnight and 2:00 a.m.

midnight mustve

↓

Damn! You can't be the guys we're looking for. Sorry.

looking

↓

Hang in there, bro.

hang

↓

Come on, Kojak. Moron.

kojak moron

↓

Listen, I'm really sorry about all this.

↓

Looks like it was a case of mistaken identity.

case identity mistaken

↓

Actually, those are the real criminals over there.

criminals real

↓

One of our officers made the wrong identification.

identification officers

↓

Yeah. Uh, that... I'm... That was me. I'm sorry about that one, fellas.

fellas

↓

Rick here will tell you exactly where your car is.

rick

↓

- We found the car. - We found the car.

found

↓

We found the car!

found

↓

Now we get the anniversary gifts, go to the twins' house and get our "special treats."

anniversary anniversary-gifts gifts house special special-treats treats twins twins-house

↓

Sweet! All right, Rick, give us the keys, and we're outta here.

keys outta rick sweet

↓

You got it.

↓

Oh, boy.

↓

- Oh, boy. - What's the problem, Rick?

problem rick

↓

Nothin'. I just, uh... Boy. Okay. Geez.

geez nothin

↓

Ah, la-la, mm. Okay.

↓

Did you guys say you wanted your car back or you wanted it impounded?

wanted

↓

- Uh... we want the car back, please. - Oh, I see.

↓

That's kind of funny because what happened was...

funny happened

↓

I accidentally sent y-your car, uh, to the impound.

accidentally impound sent

↓

- Rick. - I know. Uh, I can definitely tell you this:

rick

↓

that you guys can get the car back in a couple of days.

couple days

↓

We don't have a couple of days. We need the car back now.

couple days

↓

Yeah. Say, uh...

↓

how about a treat, a nice Bavarian cream?

cream treat

↓

That's a good one there.

↓

- It's good. - It's great. I have a lot of them.

↓

- All right, Rick. Forget about it. Psych. - Okay, sure.

forget psych rick

↓

Oh! Geez. You got me.

geez

↓

Hey, fellas, who's the goose? Me.

fellas goose

↓

You're such a jokester.

↓

And one.

↓

And two. Damn!

↓

Have you seen Jesse and Chester?

chester jesse seen

↓

- What? - We are looking for Jesse and Chester.

chester jesse looking

↓

I don't know where those two slackers are, but I bet you those punks over there do.

punks

↓

So, then, remember, I said, "Later, dudes!"

dudes remember

↓

What are you doing hanging out with those jerks, anyway?

hanging jerks

↓

They were just being nice to me, unlike someone I know.

unlike

↓

Maybe it's time I find someone who has a more sensitive side to him...

sensitive side

↓

someone who respects me as a person.

person respects

↓

Maybe somebody like Jesse or Chester.

chester jesse somebody

↓

Okay, guys, listen up. We're gonna find Jesse and Chester.

chester jesse

↓

And when we do, stoner-bashing time.

bashing

↓

- Do you know Jesse and Chester? - Who are you?

chester jesse

↓

- We are hot chicks. - Yes, you are.

chicks

↓

We believe Jesse and Chester have the Continuum Transfunctioner.

believe chester continuum continuum-transfunctioner jesse transfunctioner

↓

However, if you recover the Continuum Transfunctioner from them and bring it to us...

bring continuum continuum-transfunctioner recover transfunctioner

↓

we will give you erotic pleasure.

erotic pleasure

↓

You've got yourselves a deal. Okay, guys. Okay, guys.

deal yourselves

↓

New plan. First, we find those stoners, get the Continuum Transfunctioner...

continuum continuum-transfunctioner plan transfunctioner

↓

then it's jerk-bashing time!

bashing jerk

↓

- Yeah! - Oh, yeah.

↓

I just remembered where you might be able to find Jesse and Chester.

able chester jesse might remembered

↓

We'll send those chicks to meet the twins.

chicks meet send twins

↓

- That'll put these dudes in some hot water.

dudes thatll water

↓

Try it again, and just knock it out of the park.

knock park

↓

All right. Give it a shot.

shot

↓

You almost got it that time.

↓

Now, just concentrate on the beep, swing as hard as you can...

beep concentrate hard swing

↓

and keep your ear on the ball, okay?

ball

↓

All right. You can do it.

↓

I did it! I hit it! I hit it!

↓

I did it!

↓

- Do you know Jesse and Chester? - Pardon me?

chester jesse pardon

↓

We are looking for Jesse and Chester. Have you seen them?

chester jesse looking seen

↓

- Who are you? - We are extremely hot chicks with large breasts.

breasts chicks extremely

↓

Really?

↓

Do you mind if I touch your face? It's the only way I can see who I'm talking to.

face mind touch

↓

Okay.

↓

Wow. You are hot.

↓

Is this... normal?

normal

↓

Oh, yeah. This is how blind people shake hands.

blind hands shake

↓

- All right, Sammy. You're up next. - Okay...

sammy

↓

What the... Sis.

↓

Excuse me. A little help. Wanda? Wilma?

excuse wanda wilma

↓

Anthony. Anthony, what is going on?

anthony

↓

Uh, nothing. I was just reading.

reading

↓

Bye, ladies. I need to be alone now.

alone ladies

↓

- We are looking for Jesse and Chester. - Who are you guys?

chester jesse looking

↓

We are not guys. We are hot chicks.

chicks

↓

We are supposed to meet Jesse and Chester later, but we cannot wait.

cannot chester jesse meet supposed

↓

- Well, we don't know where they are. - And, frankly, we don't care.

care frankly

↓

- Dude, let's call Nelson. - Yeah.

nelson

↓

See if he's home.

home

↓

Hello?

↓

- Hey, Nelson, it's Chester. - Hey, Chester. No, it's me... Tommy.

chester nelson tommy

↓

Your buddy Nelson's busy at the moment.

buddy busy moment

↓

This is bad karma, boys.

boys karma

↓

Why don't you tell me where that Continuum Transfunctioner is.

continuum continuum-transfunctioner transfunctioner

↓

Uh... no hablo English.

english

↓

Your idiot friend's dead meat unless I get that Continuum Transfunctioner.

continuum continuum-transfunctioner dead dead-meat friends idiot meat transfunctioner

↓

Jackyl! Get your pipe!

jackyl pipe

↓

Ohh! My balls!

balls

↓

- What was that? - Tommy's gotten to Nelson.

gotten nelson tommys

↓

He knows about the Continuum Transfunctioner.

continuum continuum-transfunctioner knows transfunctioner

↓

Those double-crossing sexy, sexy sluts!

crossing double sexy sluts

↓

I am so sick of hearing about this Continuum Transfunctioner thing.

continuum continuum-transfunctioner hearing sick transfunctioner

↓

- If one more person... - Have you found the Continuum Transfunctioner?

continuum continuum-transfunctioner found person transfunctioner

↓

- Who are you guys? - We are the Keepers of the Continuum Transfunctioner.

continuum continuum-transfunctioner keepers transfunctioner

↓

It is all that stands between the universe and completely violent destruction.

completely destruction stands universe violent

↓

It is a very mysterious and powerful device.

device mysterious powerful

↓

And its mystery is only exceeded by its powers.

exceeded mystery powers

↓

- We know. - And we don't have it.

↓

- But the universe. - Screw the universe.

screw universe

↓

"Screw the universe"?

screw universe

↓

Ahh!

↓

Hai-yah!

↓

Chimpanzees often use sticks as crude tools.

crude often sticks tools

↓

That is one smart primate.

smart

↓

- Hey. - Hey.

↓

What are you guys doing here?

↓

We just wanted to see how that car trouble thing was going.

trouble wanted

↓

Oh, the car.

↓

- It's... in the shop. - Really?

shop

↓

Is that that shop run by those beautiful women in black jumpsuits?

black jumpsuits shop women

↓

The ones you were hanging out with earlier today?

hanging ones today

↓

Well, you see, uh... Jesse thought...

jesse

↓

Today's our anniversary, and not only do you not have gifts...

anniversary gifts todays

↓

- But you guys ditch us for... - Some big-breasted bimbos...

breasted ditch

↓

- While we were cleaning our house, which you trashed... - About that...

cleaning house trashed

↓

- Twice. - You guys are sucky boyfriends.

boyfriends sucky twice

↓

- But... - We just wanted to tell you guys in person that...

person wanted

↓

It's over.

↓

- Wilma. - Thank you, Wanda.

wanda wilma

↓

They're totally right.

↓

We are sucky boyfriends.

boyfriends sucky

↓

- Do you even remember what kind of gifts we got them? - No.

gifts remember

↓

- I bet we got them sucky gifts. - Yeah.

gifts sucky

↓

We suck.

suck

↓

Wait a second. I just got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

feeling second stomach

↓

Maybe you should go sit on the toilet.

toilet

↓

No. No. You know what the feeling is?

feeling

↓

It's love.

love

↓

- Is that what that is? - Yeah.

↓

- I'm in love with Wanda, and you're in love with Wilma. - Yeah.

love wanda wilma

↓

- See, now that we know that we've been sucky boyfriends...

boyfriends sucky

↓

- we can change. - We can?

change

↓

Yeah. And you know what else? I'll bet you...

↓

that we did buy them super cool anniversary gifts.

anniversary anniversary-gifts cool gifts super super-cool

↓

- You know why? - Uh-uh.

↓

- 'Cause we love them. - Are they wrapped in really cool wrapping paper?

cool love paper wrapped wrapping

↓

Yeah. I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

↓

We're gonna go down to the impound lot and get the car, which has the gifts in it.

gifts impound

↓

And then we're going to go to the twins' house and beg for them to take us back.

house twins twins-house

↓

Yeah! Let's do it!

↓

Oh! No. Hold on.

↓

- I gotta take a crap. - Told you.

↓

- I know. - I know your body.

body

↓

Boys, I got some good news. We just got your car in this morning.

boys morning news

↓

All right!

↓

But the bad news is, not only did Officer Boyer send your car to the impound...

impound news officer send

↓

he tagged it for auction, and it was sold this afternoon.

afternoon auction sold tagged

↓

Rick!

rick

↓

- Do you know who bought the car? - I happen to have the address right here.

address bought happen

↓

All right!

↓

But it'd be against regulation 457XY2-665...

regulation

↓

to give it to you.

↓

Come on. If you could just...

↓

Reaching onto this side of the counter is not allowed.

allowed counter reaching side

↓

The last guy who tried it ended up with three broken fingers.

broken ended fingers three tried

↓

- You can reach it. - You can reach it!

reach

↓

No. I got... One of these has carpal tunnel.

carpal tunnel

↓

What if I further injure myself?

further

↓

I have to do everything!

↓

Well, I'm a better lookout. My vision's better. You know that.

lookout visions

↓

Come on.

↓

That's it. That's it.

↓

Ah! Got it!

↓

Go ahead. We're good. Come on.

ahead go-ahead

↓

- What are you doing? - Dude, I'm stuck!

stuck

↓

Oh, come on!

↓

- You're seriously stuck? - I'm stuck!

stuck

↓

Don't!

↓

Dude, here she comes. Help! Get it!

comes

↓

Hold it. I got it.

↓

Okay, okay.

↓

- Dude, help me! - I got it. I got it.

↓

We'll spit on it. You know, lubrication.

spit

↓

- That's gross, dude! - Fine.

gross

↓

- Here she comes. - Spit! Spit!

comes spit

↓

Good news, guys.

news

↓

I talked to my supervisor, and he said I could give you the address after all.

address supervisor talked

↓

That's great. That's great.

↓

But the bad news is...

news

↓

I'm gonna have to confiscate your pinky.

confiscate pinky

↓

All right, next stop: Find my car.

↓

Hey, check it out. Totally gay Nordic dudes at three o'clock.

check dudes oclock three

↓

Wait. I got an idea.

idea

↓

We just go over there and ask for the Continuum Transfunctioner?

continuum continuum-transfunctioner transfunctioner

↓

- Yeah. It's that easy. - Thank you both very much.

easy

↓

- Hey, don't mention it. - See you around the galaxy, dudes.

dudes galaxy mention

↓

Time to get your car, dude.

↓

Those creepy space nerds are back, dude.

creepy nerds space

↓

Dude, do not worry about them.

worry

↓

- They're totally harmless. - Oh.

harmless

↓

- Ohh! - Ohh!

↓

Now may I have the Continuum Transfunctioner?

continuum continuum-transfunctioner transfunctioner

↓

Not quite yet.

↓

Would you consider giving it to me while I continue to give you pleasure?

consider continue giving pleasure

↓

Um... okay.

↓

- Wake up, dude. - Oral pleasure?

oral pleasure wake

↓

What?

↓

Nothing.

↓

Get dressed. We're going to the big house.

dressed house

↓

- Nice outfits. - They're not outfits.

outfits

↓

They're interstellar jumpsuits.

interstellar jumpsuits

↓

- Hey, nice interstellar jumpsuits. - Yeah.

interstellar jumpsuits

↓

- Wow! - Nice place.

place

↓

Is this where Zoltan...

zoltan

↓

- Is this where Zoltan hangs out? - No.

hangs zoltan

↓

This is his parents' house. We're going over there.

house parents

↓

- A barn? - Is it red?

barn

↓

- No. - Then it's not a barn.

barn

↓

- This is creepy. - It's like a country music video.

country country-music creepy music video

↓

All right. That's far enough. You, there.

↓

You, over there. No messing around.

messing

↓

Okay, remember which one it is?

remember

↓

No. Here, let me show you.

↓

- I'll do it. - It's that one.

↓

Grab the f...

grab

↓

Keys.

keys

↓

Grab the fire extinguisher...

extinguisher fire fire-extinguisher grab

↓

and you bonk those dudes on the head.

dudes head

↓

You want the fire extinguisher?

extinguisher fire fire-extinguisher

↓

No.

↓

- Enough. - No, it's that one.

↓

Fudge!

fudge

↓

Oh, cool.

cool

↓

- What are you, deaf? - Hey, you don't have to be mean, okay?

deaf

↓

How are we gonna get outta here?

outta

↓

Oh! Oh.

↓

Your attention, please.

attention

↓

Our imperial commander, Zoltan, requests your presence...

commander imperial presence requests zoltan

↓

in the Alpha Centauri Rec Room for a Level Seven meeting. Uh, over.

alpha level meeting room seven

↓

It is now my great pleasure to present to you...

pleasure present

↓

our wise and powerful leader...

leader powerful wise

↓

- Zoltan. - Zoltan.

zoltan

↓

Zoltan!

zoltan

↓

The time has come, you guys.

↓

We are finally going to fulfill...

finally fulfill

↓

our prophecy of outer space travel.

outer outer-space space travel

↓

- Zoltan! - They laughed at us when we said that aliens existed...

aliens existed laughed zoltan

↓

and they mocked us when we started wearing bubble wrap jumpsuits.

bubble bubble-wrap jumpsuits mocked started wearing wrap

↓

But who's laughing now, huh?

laughing

↓

I'll tell you who's laughing now... we are!

laughing

↓

- Zoltan! - Soon we will leave this lame planet...

lame planet zoltan

↓

- and fly through outer space...

outer outer-space space

↓

with cool aliens who like us.

aliens cool

↓

- It is going to be...

↓

- awesome! - Zoltan!

awesome zoltan

↓

Huh?

↓

That's them! They knocked us out and stole our spacesuits.

knocked stole

↓

- No, we didn't. - Yeah, you did!

↓

- No, we didn't. - Yes, you did!

↓

- No, we didn't. - Yes, you did!

↓

Hey, who are you gonna believe, us or them?

believe

↓

So you're Jesse and Chester.

chester jesse

↓

I've been looking forward to meeting you guys...

forward looking looking-forward meeting

↓

although... I'm sorry it had to be like this.

↓

- Chester! - Jesse!

chester jesse

↓

- Wanda. - Wilma.

wanda wilma

↓

Normally, we would never resort to violence, but we are dealing with...

dealing normally resort violence

↓

the Continuum Transfunctioner, after all.

continuum continuum-transfunctioner transfunctioner

↓

If you don't deliver it to us...

deliver

↓

your girlfriends are history.

girlfriends history

↓

- Uh-oh! - Don't worry, girls.

girls worry

↓

- We'll save you. - Yeah. You can depend on us.

depend save

↓

Enough!

↓

Go now and bring us the Continuum Transfunctioner.

bring continuum continuum-transfunctioner transfunctioner

↓

And... be quiet on your way out.

quiet

↓

My parents are taking a nap.

parents

↓

And then you can just tell us where the Continuum Transfunctioner is.

continuum continuum-transfunctioner transfunctioner

↓

- And then? - And then we'll be able to go and get it?

able

↓

And then?

↓

Can I get an order of shrimp fried rice?

fried order rice shrimp

↓

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

I don't see the car. You sure this is the place?

place

↓

Your car better be in there. I almost lost my pinky to get that info.

info lost pinky

↓

Aw, man. I'm sensing something very Canadian about this place.

canadian place sensing

↓

Plan "B."

plan

↓

All right. Are you ready?

ready

↓

Let's do this.

↓

One, two, three.

three

↓

I'm okay. You okay?

↓

- Shibby. - Shh.

shibby

↓

Ow!

↓

Shh, shh.

↓

Dude... it's a llama.

↓

It's not a llama. It's an ostrich.

ostrich

↓

Okay. Okay. Okay.

↓

Very slowly, let's turn around, and go back the other way.

slowly

↓

Okay.

↓

New plan.

plan

↓

We turn around again... very slowly...

slowly

↓

and go back the other way.

↓

Okay.

↓

Dude, they're everywhere.

↓

- What now? - Hey. I saw this thing...

↓

about ostriches on Animal Planet.

animal animal-planet ostriches planet

↓

- They're llamas, dude. - No.

↓

What you're supposed to do is stand very still...

stand supposed

↓

and eventually they'll get bored and go away.

bored eventually

↓

I think it's working.

working

↓

Stupid llamas!

stupid

↓

Chester!

chester

↓

Let's get in this car!

↓

Chester!

chester

↓

- What do ostriches eat? - Why?

ostriches

↓

Well, like, if they eat peanuts...

peanuts

↓

then we can just throw them a peanut, and then they'll go away.

peanut throw

↓

- We don't have any peanuts. - Great. We're screwed!

peanuts screwed

↓

They're leaving. It worked!

leaving worked

↓

- What worked? - Whatever we did.

worked

↓

Now may I have the Continuum Transfunctioner?

continuum continuum-transfunctioner transfunctioner

↓

- Not quite yet. - Please?

↓

Scary dream, huh? What's up? My name's Mark.

dream mark names scary

↓

- Where are we? - You're in the punishment room.

punishment room

↓

This is where he likes to keep the ostrich poachers.

likes ostrich

↓

- Poachers? - Yeah, that's right.

↓

I've been in this cage for about three years, five months and seventeen days...

cage days five five-months months seventeen three three-years years

↓

but who's counting?

counting

↓

How's my breath?

breath

↓

That bad, huh?

↓

Where you guys from? I'm from Connecticut. Hi. Mark.

connecticut mark

↓

- There we go. - Ow!

↓

Chester, get him off!

chester

↓

Pierre!

↓

Oh, hi. No, that's not what it looks like.

↓

- Maybe a little bit. How was your nap? - Shut up!

↓

Well, somebody sure is a grumpy Gus today.

grumpy somebody today

↓

In France, when a man is caught poaching ostriches...

caught france ostriches

↓

we shave his head, and we make him to run through the fields.

fields head shave

↓

- Oh, God. That's the good part. - Once you have seen this...

part seen

↓

Ugh... You are never quite the same.

↓

- Okay. - Tell me about it. I used to model.

model used

↓

Lucky for you, I am an honorable man.

honorable lucky

↓

A what? I'm sorry.

↓

I said I am an honorable man.

honorable

↓

- I'm sorry. "Oneragable"? - Honorable.

honorable

↓

- Onergable. I don't know what you're saying. - Honorable! Honorable!

honorable

↓

- Honorable! Honorable! - Onerga... I think you're trying to say "honorable."

honorable

↓

- Shut up! - Ow! Hey! I'm sorry.

↓

All right. Here it is: I am going to ask you a question.

question

↓

If you get it right, I will set you free.

free

↓

If you get it wrong, well...

↓

you will be spending a lot of time with the ever-popular Mark.

mark popular spending

↓

I can be very nice.

↓

- Ugh. - All right. Here it is.

↓

What is the average running speed...

average running speed

↓

of a full-grown male African ostrich?

african full grown male ostrich

↓

- Pass. Pass to me. I know it. - Pass to Mark.

mark pass pass-pass

↓

You cannot pass! What do I have to do to shut you up? Do I have to hose you down?

cannot hose pass

↓

Don't hose me. Maybe later.

hose

↓

- Dude, we're dead. - Not so fast.

dead fast

↓

The full-grown male African ostrich...

african full grown male ostrich

↓

or the Latin Struthio camelus...

latin

↓

can grow to an average of 6'6" and weigh anywhere from 225 to 350 pounds.

average grow pounds weigh

↓

They can get up to, oh, an average speed of 27 miles per hour.

average hour miles speed

↓

This is absolutely correct!

absolutely correct

↓

- Animal Planet. - Wow. I said "brown."

animal animal-planet brown planet

↓

Here. Let me get you out of this stinking cage, eh?

cage stinking

↓

Oh, please forgive me. Can I get you guys some beers?

beers forgive

↓

- I'd like a Near Beer, please. - Shut up! Huh?

beer near

↓

Actually, we just came about the car that you bought today.

bought today

↓

- We wanted to get some stuff out of it. - No problem! Right this way.

problem stuff wanted

↓

- Oh. - Well, it was nice meeting you guys.

meeting

↓

Good luck with the whole modeling thing.

luck modeling whole

↓

E-mail me, okay? "Freakincage.com."

mail

↓

Bu... Sacrebleu!

↓

Th-The car was here this afternoon. It-It... It-It just disappeared!

afternoon disappeared

↓

Well, how do you just lose a car?

lose

↓

I'm so sorry, you guys. I-I feel terrible.

↓

All right. Pierre, just focus here.

focus

↓

Was there anything in the car when you got it?

↓

No, nothing, uh...

↓

uh, except, of course, for this.

course except

↓

Just this?

↓

Dude! Ha!

↓

- Dude, I'm having my next birthday party here for sure. - Yeah. Me too.

birthday birthday-party having party

↓

Cool!

cool

↓

Excuse me. Can you tell me where locker 206 is?

excuse locker

↓

Yeah. It's right over there. Oh, hey, it's you guys!

↓

Dude, you guys played an amazing round of putt-putt last night.

amazing night played putt round

↓

- We did? - Oh, yeah.

↓

- Thanks, dude. - Shibby.

shibby thanks

↓

Here is it.

↓

I sure hope my money's in there.

hope moneys

↓

- Who are you? - This is my boyfriend Patty.

boyfriend patty

↓

Nice to meet you.

meet

↓

How do you keep popping up like this?

popping

↓

Less questions, more giving me my money.

giving less money questions

↓

Well, guess this is it.

↓

Yep. The moment of truth.

moment truth

↓

It's been... It's been a long strange trip, dude.

strange trip

↓

Sure has, Jesse.

jesse

↓

- Hey! I've got a plane to catch. - Ow!

catch plane

↓

Okay, okay, okay.

↓

Ah! My suitcase! Oh.

suitcase

↓

Ah! Oh, my God.

↓

You guys are the best. Thank you so much.

best

↓

Oh.

↓

Thanks for your help, fella. Good work.

fella thanks

↓

Hey, are we... Are we supposed to be grossed out by this?

grossed supposed

↓

- I don't know. - Mmm. Bye.

↓

Look at this stuff!

stuff

↓

- Captain Stu tickets. Awesome! - Ohh!

awesome captain tickets

↓

Oh! Jellybeans!

jellybeans

↓

Oh.

↓

No jellybeans.

jellybeans

↓

Cool straw.

cool straw

↓

- Oh, I'm gonna keep this. - Yeah.

↓

I don't see a Continuum Transfunctioner in here.

continuum continuum-transfunctioner transfunctioner

↓

Wait a second. What do we know about the Continuum Transfunctioner?

continuum continuum-transfunctioner second transfunctioner

↓

That it's a very mysterious and powerful device.

device mysterious powerful

↓

- And? - And its mystery is only exceeded by its power.

exceeded mystery power

↓

Right. But has anyone ever said anything about what it looks like?

↓

No.

↓

They haven't.

↓

Come on.

↓

That was Jesse and Chester.

chester jesse

↓

They've got the Continuum Transfunctioner!

continuum continuum-transfunctioner transfunctioner

↓

Quick, to my mother's minivan!

minivan mothers quick

↓

That was Jesse and Chester. They've got the Continuum Transfunctioner.

chester continuum continuum-transfunctioner jesse transfunctioner

↓

Quick, to my stepdad's pickup truck.

pickup quick truck

↓

I'm really getting the hang of this thing, dude.

hang

↓

Yes! Ooh-hoo!

↓

Ohh, yes! I finally beat you!

beat finally

↓

You, you're a competitor.

competitor

↓

Oh, boy. You got me the first nine, but not number ten.

nine number

↓

Not gonna happen.

happen

↓

- Time for the final showdown. - Chester! - Jesse!

chester final jesse showdown

↓

Don't worry, girls. We're here to save the day.

girls save worry

↓

Quit it. These things are expensive. Ow.

expensive quit

↓

Enough! Do you have the Continuum Transfunctioner or not?

continuum continuum-transfunctioner transfunctioner

↓

Yep. Right here.

↓

Now, release our girlfriends.

girlfriends release

↓

- First give up the Transfunctioner. - First release the girlfriends.

girlfriends release transfunctioner

↓

First you give us the Continuum Transfunctioner, and then...

continuum continuum-transfunctioner transfunctioner

↓

- Same time. - Okay.

↓

Yes!

↓

Yes! The Continuum Transfunctioner!

continuum continuum-transfunctioner transfunctioner

↓

There they are.

↓

Okay, stoners, where's the Continuum Transfunctioner?

continuum continuum-transfunctioner transfunctioner

↓

Uh-oh.

↓

Hey. What... You can't...

↓

Release dodo bird.

bird release

↓

- Tommy, you're such a jerk. - Yeah. That's our Continuum Transfunctioner!

continuum continuum-transfunctioner jerk tommy transfunctioner

↓

- Well, now it's mine. - Ow.

↓

Nerd!

nerd

↓

- Dude, let's get out of here. - Yeah.

↓

Where is the Continuum Transfunctioner?

continuum continuum-transfunctioner transfunctioner

↓

We don't have it.

↓

But we'd like you to meet our girlfriends, Wanda and Wilma.

girlfriends meet wanda wilma

↓

Yeah. We've met. You better stay away from our boyfriends.

boyfriends

↓

You fake-breasted sluts.

breasted fake sluts

↓

Okay... let's go this way.

↓

Halt. Where is the Continuum Transfunctioner?

continuum continuum-transfunctioner halt transfunctioner

↓

Well, you wanna go talk to that guy over there.

↓

Let the pleasure begin.

begin pleasure

↓

- That is not the Continuum Transfunctioner. - Of course it is.

continuum continuum-transfunctioner course transfunctioner

↓

Follow the kids. Come on. Follow. Go, go, go.

follow kids

↓

It's nerd-bashing time!

bashing nerd

↓

Uh, it's not our fault. It was them.

fault

↓

Lookin' for Smokey McPot!

lookin smokey

↓

I have a delivery for a Smokey McPot!

delivery smokey

↓

- You ordered pizza? - Yeah. I figured we'd get hungry.

figured hungry ordered pizza

↓

Oh, no! It's you two!

↓

Look, dude. I almost got it.

↓

You're really starting to irk me with your Rubik's cube fixation, okay?

cube starting

↓

Sweet!

sweet

↓

Whoa!

whoa

↓

- Oh. - No wonder those things are so impossible.

impossible wonder

↓

Oh, no. You've activated the Continuum Transfunctioner.

activated continuum continuum-transfunctioner transfunctioner

↓

All right, what's going on?

↓

Once all five of the Dirugian crystals stop flashing...

five flashing

↓

the universe is going to be destroyed.

destroyed universe

↓

How do you know all that?

↓

We've been intercepting interstellar transmissions.

interstellar transmissions

↓

- Zoltan. - Nerds.

nerds zoltan

↓

- Way to go, Chester. - Sorry.

chester

↓

Quickly. You must give it to us so we can deactivate it.

must quickly

↓

We are the Keepers of the Continuum Transfunctioner.

continuum continuum-transfunctioner keepers transfunctioner

↓

They will use it to destroy the universe.

destroy universe

↓

No, we are the Keepers of the Continuum Transfunctioner.

continuum continuum-transfunctioner keepers transfunctioner

↓

They want to destroy the universe.

destroy universe

↓

- Stop copying us. - Stop copying us.

copying

↓

- Stop copying us. - Stop copying us.

copying

↓

- Bitch. - Don't you guys remember?

bitch remember

↓

We came to this planet last night to escape the clutches of those evil space sluts.

escape evil night planet sluts space

↓

- We met you here. - You gave us a ride back to our spaceship.

ride

↓

And that's when we realized we had lost the Continuum Transfunctioner.

continuum continuum-transfunctioner lost realized transfunctioner

↓

Hurry! There's only three blinking lights left.

blinking blinking-lights hurry left lights three

↓

Bye-bye, universe.

universe

↓

He's right, dude. We're gonna make the wrong decision.

decision

↓

You know what, dude? I refuse to let us go down in history...

history refuse

↓

as the dudes who destroyed the universe!

destroyed dudes universe

↓

How do we figure out which ones are the true Keepers of the Continuum Transfunctioner?

continuum continuum-transfunctioner figure keepers ones transfunctioner

↓

Well, uh, it's simple.

simple

↓

We just ask them a question about last night...

night question

↓

that only the ones that are telling the truth would know.

ones telling truth

↓

But we can't remember a thing!

remember

↓

- Uh-oh. - You gotta hurry!

hurry

↓

- Not now, Jeff! - Zip it.

jeff

↓

If we really did give one of you guys a ride last night...

night ride

↓

then you'll know the answer to this question:

answer question

↓

Uh-oh. Hurry!

hurry

↓

Shh, shh.

↓

What score did we get...

score

↓

on the 18th hole of the miniature golf course last night?

course golf golf-course hole miniature miniature-golf night

↓

- You got a hole-in-one. - That is...

hole

↓

correct!

correct

↓

Deactivation complete.

complete

↓

Wait a second. If you guys don't remember a thing about last night...

night remember second

↓

- How do you know they were telling the truth? - Well, it's simple, really.

simple telling truth

↓

The pudding!

pudding

↓

Wow! You guys had a plan.

plan

↓

And it actually worked.

worked

↓

For the love of God!

love

↓

Wow! Morphing is cool!

cool

↓

Whoa! That is one superhot giant alien!

alien giant whoa

↓

- Just go! - Chester! - Jesse!

chester jesse

↓

That is amazing!

amazing

↓

Yeah. Those are the biggest hoo-hoos I have ever seen.

biggest seen

↓

Whoa!

whoa

↓

Humph.

↓

We will now use the power of the Continuum Transfunctioner...

continuum continuum-transfunctioner power transfunctioner

↓

to banish you to Hoboken, New Jersey.

jersey

↓

- What are we supposed to do now? - I think we run, dude.

supposed

↓

Boy, those guys are in a hurry.

hurry

↓

I wanna go on that ride, Daddy.

daddy ride

↓

Me too, son. Me too.

↓

Hey, what do I do with this thing?

↓

- You gotta activate the... - Proton accelerator annihilation beam!

activate beam proton

↓

- What? - They said the proton accelerator...

proton

↓

annihilation beam...

beam

↓

you fool!

fool

↓

Hurry! Activate it, dude!

activate hurry

↓

I think this is it!

↓

Thank you, Captain Obvious!

captain obvious

↓

- I can't reach it! - Deep in your consciousness you must look!

consciousness deep must reach

↓

Concentrate on the knowledge inside you must!

concentrate knowledge must

↓

Does he have to talk like that?

↓

I like the way he talks.

talks

↓

Chimpanzees often use sticks as crude tools.

crude often sticks tools

↓

I got it. Ha. Ohh!

↓

Oh, boy.

↓

Oh!

↓

We saved the universe!

saved universe

↓

The big bitch is dead!

bitch dead

↓

Oh!

↓

Damn! Now those are some big-ass panties.

panties

↓

Christie, honey, could you give me a hand?

christie hand honey

↓

No, Tommy. I've found somebody else.

found somebody tommy

↓

Jesse and Chester saved the universe.

chester jesse saved universe

↓

You guys are still gonna take us into outer space with you, right?

outer outer-space space

↓

There is a party in the Crab Nebula you guys could come to.

crab party

↓

- Here you go. - Thanks for your help, Jesse and Chester.

chester jesse thanks

↓

You have helped ensure the safety of the universe.

ensure helped safety universe

↓

Well, that's cool and all, but, dude, where's my car?

cool

↓

You mean you guys don't remember? Damn, you were wasted last night.

night remember wasted

↓

Now before we go, we must eliminate...

eliminate must

↓

all knowledge of this encounter.

encounter knowledge

↓

No. We have so many questions that we wanna ask you about the universe.

questions universe

↓

- Like what? - Well...

↓

- Have you guys ever been to Uranus? - Nice!

↓

- Morning, guys. - Morning, Gene.

gene morning

↓

- We'll go over to the twins' house. - And then?

house twins twins-house

↓

- Then we give them their anniversary gifts. - And then?

anniversary anniversary-gifts gifts

↓

- We'll apologize for trashing the house. - And then?

apologize house

↓

- Then we get our special treats. - And then?

special special-treats treats

↓

- Dude, that's really annoying. - Sorry.

annoying

↓

Dude, where's my car?

↓

- Dude, where's my car? - Where's your car, dude?

↓

Dude, there's your car.

↓

Oh.

↓

Ohh. "I HEART U."

heart

↓

You guys are great boyfriends!

boyfriends

↓

We have something for you too.

↓

A very special treat.

special special-treat treat

↓

- Oh, shibby! - Shibby!

shibby

↓

Ta-da!

↓

We sewed the names on ourselves.

names

↓

- Wow. - Wow.

↓

Put 'em on.

↓

You guys look great.

↓

Berets?

↓

- What are these? - Uh, more gifts.

gifts

↓

They're beautiful!

↓

- Where did you guys get these? - This... place.

place

↓

- Wow. - Me first.

↓

How wasted were we last night?

night wasted

↓

- Oh, God. Dude! - Sweet!

sweet

↓

- Is anyone hungry? - Yeah.

hungry

↓

- I could go for some Chinese food. - That sounds great.

chinese chinese-food food sounds

↓

Sweet!

sweet

↓

- My back itches, dude. - Jesse you got a tattoo!

itches jesse tattoo

↓

God. So do you, Chester!

chester

↓

- No way! What's mine say? - "Dude"!

↓

- What about mine? - "Sweet"!

sweet

↓

- Yeah, but what does mine say? - "Dude"!

↓

- What about mine? - "Sweet"!

sweet

↓

- I know they're sweet, but, dude, what's mine say? - "Dude"!

sweet

↓

- What about mine? - "Sweet"!

sweet

↓

Hit it.

↓

I can do sexy.

sexy

↓

How do you keep popping up like this?

popping

↓

This isn't fair. They're mooning us.

fair mooning

↓

Tastes good. Tastes good, right?

tastes

↓

- "Sweet"! - "Dude"!

sweet

↓

- I am fun-loving. I like charades. - Shut up!

fun loving

↓

Go ahead and laugh.

ahead go-ahead laugh

↓

Come on. Say it.

↓

- Ha. - Ha.

↓

Zoltan!

zoltan

↓

- Ooh! - Oh! Ohh!

↓

- That's a keeper. - Fingers crossed on that.

crossed fingers fingers-crossed keeper

↓

- Hey, I got it! - You want a piece of this?

piece

↓

- " Dude"! - " Sweet"!

sweet

↓

- Uh-huh. And then? - And then we went and, uh...

↓

- And then? - Got those sweet jumpsuits so we could look sh...

jumpsuits sweet

↓

- And then? - Then we went an... Oh, man. I'm losing it.

losing

↓

I am fun-loving... without my clothes.

clothes fun loving

↓

The protomic incin... The-The gray thing, dummy!

dummy gray

↓

- "Dude"! - "Sweet"!

sweet

↓

Okay. Shall we cut?

↓

We gotta cut. I mean, we just have to.

↓

- You guys have to cut. - Cut.

↓

Punk-ass kids!

kids punk

↓

And then?