Home » Seinfeld » S08E17 — The English Patient

Seinfeld

Season 8, Episode 17 — The English Patient

You know at the movies they show

#1

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that little ad for the concession stand?

#2

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Where the cartoon candy's dancing,

#3

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and the Milk Dud's playing the banjo?

#4

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Oh, he's wailing on that banjo. Yeah.

#5

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I just don't understand the Raisinets.

#6

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The sax player? Yeah.

#7

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Yeah. The box of Raisinets runs up to the concession stand,

#8

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buys another box of Raisinets.

#9

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So?

#10

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Box of Raisinets eating another box of Raisinets?

#11

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It's perverse.

#12

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No. He's not gonna eat them.

#13

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He's buying them for his Pepsi girlfriend.

#14

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And why is he dating a Pepsi?

#15

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They're not having children.

#16

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They're musicians.

#17

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Musicians.

#18

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Get a real job.

#19

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What do you want?

#20

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Oh, I've had everything on the menu.

#21

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Uh...

#22

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surprise me.

#23

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Neil. Neil.

#24

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Oh. I am sorry.

#25

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I am supposed to meet my boyfriend here.

#26

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He looks just like you.

#27

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Really.

#28

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Yeah.

#29

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Like me? Uh-huh. Sorry.

#30

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He-he.

#31

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Like me?

#32

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But how?

#33

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Here's your halibut omelet.

#34

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Surprised?

#35

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Yes. Yes, I am.

#36

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Look what I got for you for your Florida trip.

#37

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Crazy Shirts was closing them out.

#38

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I got a dozen for a buck.

#39

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I saved a fortune. Look at that.

#40

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There you go.

#41

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Oh.

#42

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"Number-one dad." Yeah.

#43

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Ooh, and it's a medium. Perfect.

#44

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Hey. Hey.

#45

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You ready?

#46

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Almost. Okay, so look, uh,

#47

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when you're in Florida, can my cigar guy

#48

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drop off some Cubans for me at your parents'?

#49

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I'm helping my parents move into their new condo.

#50

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I'm gonna be busy.

#51

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Oh, come on, man. Help a brother out.

#52

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All right.

#53

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Yeah. I owe you one.

#54

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We're even.

#55

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Hey, Jerry... figure this out.

#56

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I'm in the coffee shop,

#57

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and this beautiful girl I could never even talk to

#58

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mistakes me for her boyfriend.

#59

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That's a nice four seconds.

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I look just like him.

#61

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I, me... this.

#62

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This is what her boyfriend looks like.

#63

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How is that possible?

#64

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Maybe he has money.

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Maybe he doesn't.

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Maybe he and I are exactly the same,

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except for one minor, yet crucial, detail.

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You never know.

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Sometimes you do.

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Maybe it's some... Some small thing I could change.

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Like a mustache or, uh...

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wearing a top hat.

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Or a monocle.

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Or a... Or a cane.

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Who's she dating? Mr. Peanut?

#76

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You could do a lot worse than Mr. Peanut, my friend.

#77

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So, what do you wanna see?

#78

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How about Sack Lunch?

#79

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How about The English Patient?

#80

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It's up for all those Oscars.

#81

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Oh, Come on, Blaine. I mean,

#82

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look at the poster for Sack Lunch.

#83

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It's a family in a brown paper bag.

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Don't you wanna know how they got in there?

#85

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No.

#86

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Oh. Sold out.

#87

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Oh. Uh, two for The English Patient.

#88

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So do you think they got shrunk down,

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or is it just a giant sack?

#90

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Uh, hi. Um, remember me?

#91

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I-I... I'm the guy that looks like Neil.

#92

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Hi. Hi.

#93

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Ahem.

#94

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Is Neil here?

#95

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Oh, no. He got held up at work.

#96

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Oh, that's too bad.

#97

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I... I kinda wanted to meet him, seeing as we look so similar.

#98

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Huh. Well, you know, you don't look that much like him.

#99

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Oh.

#100

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Of course not.

#101

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No, you're a little taller.

#102

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You look like you're in better shape than Neil.

#103

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Do you work out?

#104

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Listen, I... I'm...

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I-I don't mean to seem forward,

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but is... Is there any way that I could possibly

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have Neil's phone number?

#108

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What is everyone talking about?

#109

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"The English Patient, it's so romantic"?

#110

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God, that movie stunk.

#111

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I kinda liked it.

#112

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No, you didn't.

#113

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Elaine, Blaine.

#114

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Did you just see The English Patient?

#115

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Didn't you love it?

#116

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No.

#117

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How could you not love that movie?

#118

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How about, it sucked.

#119

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That Ralph Fiennes.

#120

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I would give up my firstborn for him.

#121

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Uh. He's getting the short end of that stick.

#122

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Jerry, this is Del Boca Vista's

#123

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new physical fitness room.

#124

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They got medicine balls.

#125

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You can bike ride. Anything you want.

#126

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StairMaster? What?

#127

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Nothing.

#128

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See what I'm wearing?

#129

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Oh. Did you get that out of my bag?

#130

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No. Your mother found it.

#131

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Son... this is the most wonderful

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and thoughtful thing you've ever done for me.

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You know, I bought you a Cadillac.

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Twice.

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Oh. Here he is.

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This is the man I wanted you to see.

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- Izzy Mandelbaum. - Hey there.

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He's 80 years old, but strong as an ox.

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Watch this.

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See that? You couldn't do that.

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I could. I choose not to.

#142

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Hey, Morty. Who's this?

#143

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This is my son, Jerry, from New York.

#144

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He thinks he can lift more than Izzy.

#145

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I-I didn't say that.

#146

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Hey, Izzy.

#147

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This kid says he can lift more than you can.

#148

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Hey, your kid's pretty funny, Morty.

#149

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He should be a comedian.

#150

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Actually, I am a comedian.

#151

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That's not so funny.

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You think you're better than me, huh?

#153

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Izzy used to work out with Charles Atlas in the '50s.

#154

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1850s?

#155

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Well, that's it.

#156

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It's go time.

#157

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Let's see you lift that.

#158

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Mr. Mandelbaum... Come on, come on.

#159

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Pump it.

#160

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All right.

#161

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Eh. Wrong attitude.

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You're not bringing that trash

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into my house.

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There. All right?

#165

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Step aside, string bean.

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I'll show you.

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I'm gonna take it up a notch.

#168

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Uh. My back.

#169

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Somebody call an ambulance.

#170

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There's already an ambulance here

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for Mrs. Glickman.

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There's room for one more.

#173

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Hey. One for Sack Lunch.

#174

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It's good, right?

#175

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Yeah. Good.

#176

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Hey, what are you guys doing here?

#177

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We just saw The English Patient again.

#178

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It's even better the second time.

#179

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They make it longer?

#180

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Forgot my umbrella.

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Blaine. Elaine.

#182

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You said you were busy tonight.

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Well, to tell you the truth, Elaine...

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I don't know if I can be with someone

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who doesn't like The English Patient.

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It's just a stupid movie.

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That's what I'm talking about.

#188

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Come on, Blaine.

#189

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Let's go.

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Enjoy Sack Lunch.

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I will.

#192

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How could you do that to Mr. Mandelbaum?

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You should be ashamed of yourself.

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He egged me on.

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You should be more mature.

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He's 80.

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Okay. Tomorrow Jerry and I

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will visit Izzy and apologize.

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Now, good night.

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You're not sleeping in that shirt.

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It's too tight.

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This shirt will never leave my body.

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Good night.

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All right, 7:30, got the place to myself.

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Jerry Seinfeld, please.

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Oh, you must be Kramer's guys. Come on in.

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You got the cigars?

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What cigars?

#209

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Kramer said to bring him back some Cubans.

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We are the Cubans.

#211

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Yeah, hello. Jerry's place.

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They're real Cubans?

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They're human beings from Cuba?

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I said Cubans.

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What did you think I meant?

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Cigars!

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Jerry, Cuban cigars are illegal in this country.

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That's why I got these guys.

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You're making your own cigars now?

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Yeah, yeah. I got investors all lined up.

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Hold on a second. Hi, Dad.

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Who are they?

#223

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They're Cuban cigar rollers.

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Don't tell your mother.

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What is that bubbling sound?

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Are you making your tomato sauce?

#227

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Yeah, hot and spicy.

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You're not wearing a shirt, are you?

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Yes, I am.

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What color is it?

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Oh.

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Damn it.

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You know, you... You could have

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just given me Neil's number.

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You... You didn't have to take me out to dinner.

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I wanted to give it to you in person.

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Oh. You know, I don't have to

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be up in the morning,

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and I know a great breakfast place

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right around the corner.

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Does Neil like to eat a big breakfast?

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Why don't you come in?

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We'll talk about it.

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I really should get going.

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I... I wanna be home in case Neil calls.

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Well...

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good night.

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I'll see you.

#249

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Rough night?

#250

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Ugh. You wouldn't believe it.

#251

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My boyfriend dumped me. Ugh.

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My friends, who I don't even like,

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they won't talk to me, all because I don't like

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that stupid English Patient movie.

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Really? I thought it was pretty good.

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Oh, come on.

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Good? What was good about it?

#258

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Those sex scenes.

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I mean, please.

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Give me something I can use.

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Well, I liked it.

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Hey.

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You f... You forgot about my piece of pie.

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Hello?

#265

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You know, sex in a tub...

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that doesn't work.

#267

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This is quite a condo.

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The Mandelbaums own the Magic Pan restaurants.

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The crepe place?

#270

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Yeah. This is all big crepe money.

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There's crepe money?

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What are you doing here?

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Oh, Mr. Mandelbaum, I wanted to come by

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tell you how sorry I was that you hurt yourself.

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What the hell is that?

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What? That shirt.

#277

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You think that you are the number-one dad?

#278

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This was a gift from my son.

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Oh, I see how it works now.

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He knocks me out of commission...

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so you can strut around in your fancy number-one shirt.

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Well, I'll show you who's number one.

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Mr. Mandelbaum, please.

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It's go time.

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My back. I can't move.

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Call an ambulance.

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I think I saw one a couple doors down.

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So she wanted you to come up,

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but you left because you thought

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some guy might be calling you?

#291

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Some guy. Some guy?

#292

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Neil.

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I have got to find out how

#294

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he could get a girl like Danielle.

#295

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George, you've got Danielle.

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Forget about Neil.

#297

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You've "out-Neiled" him.

#298

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So I'm Neil.

#299

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How did I do that?

#300

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I don't know, but you better keep it up.

#301

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I'm gonna go meet Danielle.

#302

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There's a new Neil in town. Ha-ha.

#303

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Try take a vacation.

#304

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I come back, the whole operation's in shambles.

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Hello.

#306

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Hey, Jerry. Number one here.

#307

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Did you go see Izzy at the back specialist?

#308

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I will. I just walked in the door.

#309

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You have to go see him. Ma.

#310

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Helen, will you stop bothering him?

#311

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Jerry, that shirt has gone right to his head.

#312

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Number one, signing off.

#313

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Jerry...

#314

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I just picked up the Cubans at the bus station.

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What's going on?

#316

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What? They're not real Cubans.

#317

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They're Dominicans.

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So?

#319

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So, Jerry, if my investors

#320

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don't get Cubans, the whole deal's off.

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What's the difference?

#322

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Jerry, once you've had real Cubans,

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there's just nothing else like it.

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We're talking about people, right?

#325

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Yes. Yes. The quality, the texture,

#326

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the intoxicating aroma.

#327

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These guys don't have it.

#328

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I thought they smelled pretty nice.

#329

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Jerry, your palate's unrefined.

#330

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Is not. Is too.

#331

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Is not. Is too.

#332

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I'm not having this conversation.

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Are too. Am not.

#334

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Another productive meeting.

#335

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By the way, I saw that English Patient

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film last night.

#337

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It was extraordinary.

#338

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Oh, yes. It was so romantic.

#339

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It ravished me.

#340

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Elaine, what did you think?

#341

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Well, uh, act...

#342

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Actually I haven't seen it,

#343

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so...

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I couldn't tell you whether I...

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liked it,

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or whether it really sucked.

#347

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You haven't seen it? No.

#348

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That's it. Drop everything. We're going right now.

#349

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Again, Mr. Mandelbaum,

#350

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this back specialist is supposed to be the best.

#351

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If there's anything else I can do,

#352

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don't hesitate to, uh, try and find my number.

#353

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Uh... Oh, wait.

#354

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How about that, huh?

#355

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The "World's Greatest Dad."

#356

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My son made it for me.

#357

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That's very nice.

#358

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The best in the world.

#359

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Which means I'm better than just number one.

#360

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Well, I don't know how official

#361

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any of these rankings really are.

#362

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Hi, Son. Hi, Daddy.

#363

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This is your son?

#364

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I got married in high school.

#365

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Hey, who are you?

#366

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This is Seinfeld's kid.

#367

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Oh, you think you're tough,

#368

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picking on an old man?

#369

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Maybe you'd like to try taking on

#370

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somebody your own age.

#371

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Hm. You got any kids?

#372

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Oh, you think you're better than me?

#373

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Go ahead. Pick out anything in the room here.

#374

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I'll lift it up over my head.

#375

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Look. No one is lifting anything.

#376

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The television.

#377

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Mm.

#378

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This one's for you, Pop.

#379

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It's go time.

#380

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Oh. My back!

#381

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Call an ambulance!

#382

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We're already in a hospital.

#383

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All right, partner. Let's get down to business.

#384

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Okay. Well, I'll, uh... I'll get the Cubans. All right.

#385

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They're right out here.

#386

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Yeah, here they are. They're Cubans.

#387

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Real Cubans.

#388

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You wouldn't be trying to sell old Earl Haffler

#389

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Dominicans in a Cuban wrapper, now, would you?

#390

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Oh, come on. Look at these boys.

#391

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If they were any more Cuban,

#392

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Castro would have smoked them himself.

#393

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We're talking about people, right?

#394

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I think so.

#395

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I thought he quit smoking cigars.

#396

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Well, yeah. Yeah. But they also rolled

#397

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for his brother...

#398

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uh, Dennis.

#399

⇓

Dennis Castro?

#400

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Uh... Uh, Dwayne.

#401

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Get the hell out of my office.

#402

⇓

What?!

#403

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You know, Neil called me today.

#404

⇓

Really?

#405

⇓

Yeah, he's pretty upset

#406

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I broke up with him to go out with you.

#407

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Well, I guess I showed Neil who's Neil.

#408

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He wanted to get together tomorrow and have coffee.

#409

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Coffee?

#410

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I can beat that. Move in with me.

#411

⇓

What?

#412

⇓

It beats the hell out of coffee.

#413

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And I thought I knew what love was.

#414

⇓

Yep.

#415

⇓

You asked her to move in with you?

#416

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I gotta stay one step ahead of Neil.

#417

⇓

What if it's Neil Armstrong?

#418

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Then I'm going to Mars.

#419

⇓

What if it's Neil Diamond?

#420

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Oh, shut up, Jerry. Just shut up.

#421

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All right, I gotta go back to the hospital.

#422

⇓

What? To see the old guy?

#423

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No, I got into a thing with the son,

#424

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and now he's laid up too.

#425

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How old's the son?

#426

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I think he's the same age as the father.

#427

⇓

What is with this family?

#428

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Don't know. It's like, if one of them dies,

#429

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the other one wants to bench-press the casket.

#430

⇓

Hey, Jerry.

#431

⇓

You cold?

#432

⇓

No.

#433

⇓

It's them, right?

#434

⇓

Something wrong your chin?

#435

⇓

There. Where?

#436

⇓

No, no, no. Don't look. Don't look.

#437

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Over there. The Dominicans.

#438

⇓

Aren't they supposed to be rolling cigars?

#439

⇓

Well, it didn't quite work out,

#440

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and now I've got nothing for them to do.

#441

⇓

So?

#442

⇓

So I taught 'em all about Cuba,

#443

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and they really took to it.

#444

⇓

You know, Marxism, the workers' revolution,

#445

⇓

the clothing.

#446

⇓

Boy, they seem pretty angry about something.

#447

⇓

Yeah. I'm a little worried.

#448

⇓

When there's no work and the people get restless,

#449

⇓

who do you think they come after?

#450

⇓

El presidente.

#451

⇓

I swear to you, I didn't know

#452

⇓

the TV was bolted to the table.

#453

⇓

I bet you pulled that trick

#454

⇓

on my daddy in Florida.

#455

⇓

He couldn't handle the weight.

#456

⇓

Oh, so now you think you're better than me?

#457

⇓

You think you're better than him?

#458

⇓

Look, let me just state for the record,

#459

⇓

I think you're both better than me.

#460

⇓

Okay.

#461

⇓

My boys.

#462

⇓

My dad.

#463

⇓

My grandpa.

#464

⇓

Oh, come on.

#465

⇓

What happened to him?

#466

⇓

He was trying to lift the TV.

#467

⇓

That TV?

#468

⇓

Oh, no.

#469

⇓

It's go time.

#470

⇓

Why didn't anybody tell me

#471

⇓

it was bolted down?

#472

⇓

Well, I still thought you could do it.

#473

⇓

Me too.

#474

⇓

Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum.

#475

⇓

Fellas, fellas, fellas. Look, I gotta go.

#476

⇓

Oh, yeah, that's right, go.

#477

⇓

Put us all in the hospital.

#478

⇓

And you ruined our business

#479

⇓

with all your macho head games.

#480

⇓

I didn't ruin your business.

#481

⇓

Yes, you did.

#482

⇓

There's nobody there now at the Magic Pan

#483

⇓

to roll the crepes.

#484

⇓

We gotta close it up.

#485

⇓

Don't you hire people to do that?

#486

⇓

Each crepe has to be

#487

⇓

hand-rolled by a Mandelbaum.

#488

⇓

That's what puts the magic in Magic Pan.

#489

⇓

So you just need some guys that could roll them?

#490

⇓

Yeah.

#491

⇓

I think I can help you out.

#492

⇓

I'll see you later.

#493

⇓

Hey. I can't see the TV.

#494

⇓

Here.

#495

⇓

You think you're better than us, don't you?

#496

⇓

Huh?

#497

⇓

Elaine, I hope you're watching the clothes

#498

⇓

because I can't take my eyes off the passion.

#499

⇓

No.

#500

⇓

No, I... I can't do this anymore.

#501

⇓

I can't. It's too long.

#502

⇓

Quit telling your stupid story

#503

⇓

about the stupid desert

#504

⇓

and just die already.

#505

⇓

Die!

#506

⇓

Shh!

#507

⇓

Elaine, you don't like the movie?

#508

⇓

I hate it!

#509

⇓

Shh!

#510

⇓

Oh, go to hell!

#511

⇓

Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?

#512

⇓

You're fired.

#513

⇓

Great. I'll wait for you outside.

#514

⇓

He was gonna fire you?

#515

⇓

Well, the only way I could talk him out of it

#516

⇓

was that I agreed to go and visit the Tunisian desert.

#517

⇓

Tunisia?

#518

⇓

That's where they filmed the movie.

#519

⇓

It's supposed to inspire me.

#520

⇓

Well, that doesn't sound so bad.

#521

⇓

I have to live in a cave.

#522

⇓

Oh.

#523

⇓

These Dominicans really know

#524

⇓

their way around a crepe, huh?

#525

⇓

Look at that.

#526

⇓

Looks like they're rolling a Double Corona.

#527

⇓

Just a cigar made out of Bisquick, huh, Guillermo?

#528

⇓

I'm very happy with George.

#529

⇓

I'm sorry, Neil.

#530

⇓

It's over.

#531

⇓

Come on, let's just eat our crepes.

#532

⇓

Ah! My face!

#533

⇓

Ooh!

#534

⇓

Ah! Neil!

#535

⇓

What are they... Why are the crepes spraying?

#536

⇓

Dominicans are rolling them too tight.

#537

⇓

Well. That's why you gotta get real Cubans.

#538

⇓

Danielle. Where's Neil?

#539

⇓

Is this him?

#540

⇓

Yeah.

#541

⇓

That blueberry crepe burned him pretty badly.

#542

⇓

Whose cane is this?

#543

⇓

It's Neil's.

#544

⇓

Cane.

#545

⇓

I knew it.

#546

⇓

So...

#547

⇓

we meet at last.

#548

⇓

I admire your skills...

#549

⇓

Mr. Peanut.

#550

⇓

Well, Danielle, uh, we should get going.

#551

⇓

I... I got a key made for you.

#552

⇓

George, I can't move in with you. What?

#553

⇓

I'm sorry. But I'm taking Neil to a clinic in England.

#554

⇓

N-no. No. You can't leave me.

#555

⇓

Uh... Marry me.

#556

⇓

I'll burn myself.

#557

⇓

I'll burn my parents!

#558

⇓

Sorry, George.

#559

⇓

George...

#560

⇓

I win.

#561

⇓

Ladies and gentlemen, in just one moment

#562

⇓

we'll be showing our feature presentation...

#563

⇓

No, no, no, no, no.

#564

⇓

The comedy hit, Sack Lunch, starring Dabney Coleman.

#565

⇓

All right. Oh, this is shaping up.

#566

⇓

Excuse me, please.

#567

⇓

Oh, sure.

#568

⇓

Oh.

#569

⇓

Ladies and gentlemen,

#570

⇓

because we have been exploited

#571

⇓

by your Magic Pan crepe restaurants,

#572

⇓

we are hijacking this plane to Cuba.

#573

⇓

Everyone stay in your seats.

#574

⇓

And shut that movie off.

#575

⇓

Oh, nuts.

#576

⇓

Mandelbaum, Mandelbaum.

#577

⇓