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Home » 21 Jump Street » S01E01 — 21 Jump Street

21 Jump Street

Season 1, Episode 1 — 21 Jump Street

↓

- Hey, Melodie. - Hey.

↓

Look, I know

↓

we've known each other for a really long time.

known

↓

And we live across the street from each other and stuff.

live street stuff

↓

And...

↓

I know, like, in four days,

days four four-days

↓

I'm sure, if...

↓

- You know, prom's, like, in four days... - Oh, my God.

days four four-days

↓

You're not asking me to prom, are you?

asking prom

↓

Fuck, no.

fuck

↓

No, I... No, I just...

↓

- You're probably going with someone. - I'm sorry.

↓

I don't know how to put this nicely.

nicely

↓

There's not a nice way to put it.

↓

You're a f***ing nerd.

nerd

↓

And, you know... I don't know. She's hot.

↓

Look at her. Look at her.

↓

- Look at her. Look at her. Look at her. - I'll see you later.

↓

- Bye. - All right, buddy, good talk.

buddy

↓

Dude, classic.

classic

↓

Greg Jenko to the principal's office. Greg Jenko to the principal's office.

greg jenko office principals principals-office

↓

- Shit. - Good luck, bro.

luck

↓

I said loud and clear,

clear loud

↓

if you didn't get your grades up, you weren't going to the prom.

grades prom

↓

You, my friend, are about to pay the piper.

friend piper

↓

I should pay who?

↓

You're not going to the prom.

prom

↓

Boy, you lucky you even graduating.

lucky

↓

But I'm going to be prom king.

king prom

↓

I'm glad you had a great time in school.

glad school

↓

'Cause you ain't learned nothing.

aint learned

↓

Fuck! Fuck!

fuck fuck-fuck

↓

Welcome to the Police Academy.

academy police police-academy welcome

↓

Make sure your form is completely filled out, then move along.

along completely filled form

↓

Not-so-slim Shady, what's up? Holy shit!

holy shady slim

↓

Jenko, Schmidt, you're up.

jenko schmidt

↓

Oh, f***!

↓

- You're good at this, huh? - Yeah, I am.

↓

Thank you.

↓

Such bullshit.

bullshit

↓

You're really good at this.

↓

Yeah, I am.

↓

Hey, you want to be friends?

friends

↓

Come on. Come on, let's go.

↓

Come on, pick your knees up. Pick your knees up.

knees pick

↓

I'm telling you right now, it's not a felony.

felony telling

↓

Chill, all right? Look, if it has intent, it's a felony.

chill felony intent

↓

What did I tell you? Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go!

↓

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

↓

Faster. Let's go.

faster

↓

Clear!

clear

↓

Clear!

clear

↓

Come on, come on, come on! Stop.

↓

Yes! Yes!

↓

Let me see. Let me see.

↓

Nice.

↓

Ten-hut! Ladies and gentlemen,

gentlemen ladies

↓

I present to you the graduates of Class 137.

class graduates present

↓

Get ready for a lifetime of being badass motherf***ers.

badass lifetime motherf ready

↓

I am.

↓

I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions,

↓

and less homeless people doo-dooing everywhere.

homeless less

↓

Do you guys really think this is a police matter?

matter police

↓

To get your Frisbee back?

frisbee

↓

Get your own f***ing Frisbee.

frisbee

↓

Shit.

↓

Shit! Shit!

↓

Yours isn't loaded, right?

loaded

↓

We're supposed to unload them first, right?

supposed unload

↓

What, you... No.

↓

That's no fun. Come on.

fun

↓

Sign says, "Do not feed the ducks."

ducks feed sign

↓

It's right there.

↓

- Don't you... Don't... - Don't. Stop it.

↓

Don't. You did it. You fed the ducks.

ducks

↓

You feel like a big shot?

shot

↓

No f***ing way.

↓

One Percenters?

↓

These guys are, like, big-time drug dealers.

dealers drug drug-dealers

↓

If we could take them down as our first bust, we'd be off park duty for sure.

bust duty park

↓

You see what I see?

↓

Cannabis sativa.

↓

Chaka Khan.

khan

↓

Chaka Khan?

khan

↓

Gentlemen. We having a little party?

gentlemen having party

↓

Have we forgotten that the use of marijuana is illegal?

forgotten illegal marijuana

↓

I have glaucoma.

↓

I get nervous in crowds.

crowds nervous

↓

Herpes.

herpes

↓

Then you won't mind if I search your bike, now, would you?

bike mind search

↓

Go ahead. You won't find shit.

ahead go-ahead

↓

- Get up. - Cálmate, gringo.

↓

Man, you guys even real cops? You look like the kids on Halloween.

cops halloween kids real

↓

If those boys is cops, I'm DEA.

boys cops

↓

I know, right? I know.

↓

It's hilarious.

hilarious

↓

So why don't you show us a little respect?

respect

↓

- Fuck you, pig. - Hey.

fuck

↓

You want me to beat your dick off?

beat dick

↓

You want to beat my dick off?

beat dick

↓

I'll beat your dick off with both hands. What's up? Let's go.

beat dick hands

↓

- That's weird, man. - I think what he was trying to say was,

weird

↓

he's going to punch you so many times around the genital area

area genital punch times

↓

that your dick's just going to fall off.

dicks fall

↓

Why do you have salt in your...

salt

↓

- That's actual drugs. - Oh, my God.

actual drugs

↓

Get on the ground! Hey!

ground

↓

- Come here now! - What do I do?

↓

- Chase someone! - Chase someone?

chase

↓

Are you leaving your bike here?

bike leaving

↓

Okay. All right.

↓

Don't run from me! You're making it worse for yourself!

worse

↓

No! Get out of the way!

↓

Stop!

↓

I'm going to shoot you if you don't slow down, man! Come on!

shoot slow

↓

Hey! Come here!

↓

I'm not playing anymore! I'm so not kidding!

anymore kidding playing

↓

I got him. I got him.

↓

Freeze! Freeze!

freeze freeze-freeze

↓

Hands up or I shoot you! Freeze!

freeze hands shoot

↓

That's it! Come here!

↓

Freeze! Stop it!

freeze

↓

You're a pussy!

pussy

↓

You got the right to... Give me that! You got the right to...

↓

...to suck my dick, motherf***er!

dick motherf suck

↓

My elbow.

elbow

↓

- You got nothing. - How's my dick feel in your ass, huh?

dick

↓

- Hey! Hey! - How's it feel? How's it feel now?

↓

That's right. Schmidt! Schmidt, we got one!

schmidt

↓

We got one! I got him!

↓

Yes! Yes!

↓

- Yeah! - We got an arrest!

arrest

↓

- Yeah! We got him! - Yes!

↓

- Yeah! Fuck you! Yeah! - Fuck you! Yeah!

fuck

↓

What's up?

↓

Drop my nuts on your motherf***ing forehead!

drop forehead motherf nuts

↓

Drop my nuts on your motherf***ing forehead!

drop forehead motherf nuts

↓

- That's right. - Fuck you, park!

fuck park

↓

- We arrest people now! - What up, park?

arrest park

↓

- What's up? What's up? - What up, park? Who wants one?

park wants

↓

Congratulations on the bust, boys. It sounds great.

boys bust congratulations sounds

↓

- Thank you, Cinnamon. - Are those new?

cinnamon

↓

The department was forced to drop the charges

charges department drop forced

↓

because you forgot to read him his Miranda rights.

forgot miranda read rights

↓

What possible reason is there for not doing the only thing

possible possible-reason reason

↓

you have to do when arresting someone?

arresting

↓

I did read him his right... I did a version of that.

read version

↓

- Do you even know the Miranda rights? - Yes.

miranda rights

↓

Let's hear them, then.

↓

You got a lot of stuff to do.

stuff

↓

No, go ahead. You going anywhere, Schmidt?

ahead go-ahead schmidt

↓

We got time.

↓

I had a thing, but I can probably push it back.

push

↓

Go ahead. It's four declamatory sentences, followed by a question,

ahead followed four go-ahead question sentences

↓

for a total of 57 words.

total words

↓

Okay. Look, it obviously starts with, "You have the right to remain silent."

obviously remain remain-silent silent starts

↓

I know you've heard this before. And then,

heard

↓

I think it sounds something like...

sounds

↓

- "You have the right to an attorney." - Well, the thing... Yeah, right.

attorney

↓

"You have the right to remain an attorney."

attorney remain

↓

Did you say that you have the right to be an attorney?

attorney

↓

You do have the right to be an attorney, if you want to.

attorney

↓

Where were you?

↓

I was chasing my perp, sir.

chasing

↓

And how did that go for you?

↓

Honestly, he did get away,

↓

and he threw me down pretty hard.

hard threw

↓

Actually f***ed up my elbow pretty bad.

elbow

↓

Can I see that?

↓

Yeah, actually, it hurts 'cause the dirt gets mushed into it.

dirt hurts

↓

Wow.

↓

Fortunately for you two,

fortunately

↓

we're reviving a canceled undercover police program from the '80s

canceled police program undercover

↓

and revamping it for modern times.

modern times

↓

You see, the guys in charge of this stuff

charge stuff

↓

lack creativity and are completely out of ideas,

completely creativity ideas lack

↓

so all they do now is recycle shit from the past

past recycle

↓

and expect us all not to notice.

expect notice

↓

One of these programs involves the use of young,

involves programs young

↓

immature-seeming officers.

immature officers

↓

Sir, are you saying that you're going to send us into, like,

send

↓

a child sex slavery ring or something?

child ring slavery

↓

Sir, if I have to suck somebody's dick, I will.

dick somebodys suck

↓

It's just... I'd prefer not to.

prefer

↓

I think you idiots are perfect.

idiots perfect

↓

You're officially transferred.

officially transferred

↓

- All right. Yeah. - That's great.

↓

Where should we report to?

report

↓

Down on Jump Street.

jump jump-street street

↓

37 Jump Street.

jump jump-street street

↓

No, that doesn't sound right.

sound

↓

Is it...

↓

This has got to be a joke.

joke

↓

This is it.

↓

Aroma of Christ Church?

aroma christ church

↓

How's it going?

↓

This place is weird.

place weird

↓

Everybody comfortable?

comfortable everybody

↓

Yeah.

↓

Get your motherf***ing ass up when I'm talking!

motherf

↓

You will be going undercover as high school students.

school students undercover

↓

You are here simply because you look young.

simply young

↓

You some Justin Beaver,

beaver justin

↓

Miley Cyrus-looking motherf***ers.

cyrus looking motherf

↓

Captain Sassy.

captain sassy

↓

I know what you're thinking,

thinking

↓

"Angry Black Captain."

angry black captain

↓

It ain't nothing but a stupid stereotype.

aint stereotype stupid

↓

Well, guess what, motherf***ers.

motherf

↓

I'm black.

black

↓

And I worked my ass off to be the captain!

captain worked

↓

And sometimes I get angry.

angry sometimes

↓

So suck a dick!

dick suck

↓

What I'm trying to show you is,

↓

embrace your stereotypes.

embrace stereotypes

↓

Like this guy right here. Handsome.

handsome

↓

And he's probably a dummy.

dummy

↓

And then this guy.

↓

He's short and insecure.

insecure short

↓

And he's probably good with money.

money

↓

- You are good with money. - What the f***?

money

↓

Didn't somebody tell you guys this was an undercover unit?

somebody undercover unit

↓

I don't... I actually didn't...

↓

I didn't get a letter or anything.

letter

↓

- Yeah, like, a start time... - With a dress code or anything like that.

code dress start

↓

Teenage the f*** up!

teenage

↓

Rule number one at Jump Street. Fugazy.

jump jump-street number rule rule-number street

↓

Do not get expelled.

expelled

↓

Nobody in the system knows you're here. All right? Nobody.

knows nobody system

↓

You get kicked out of school,

kicked school

↓

your monkey ass is getting kicked out of Jump Street.

jump jump-street kicked monkey street

↓

Rule number two. Burns.

burns number rule rule-number

↓

Do not have sexual relations with students or teachers, sir.

relations sexual students teachers

↓

You hear that? That's you.

↓

- Don't do it, man. - Why...

↓

- Keep that dirty dick in your pants. - Dirty?

dick dirty pants

↓

Don't f*** no students.

students

↓

Don't f*** no teachers.

teachers

↓

Sir, I know we come off as a couple of lady-killers,

couple killers lady

↓

but I promise you we will be super professional on the job.

professional promise super

↓

Clearly, I wasn't talking to you, Big Titties.

titties

↓

You cherub-looking motherf***er.

looking motherf

↓

I was talking to your partner over here.

partner

↓

Fake-ass Handsome McGee.

fake handsome

↓

When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him.

↓

When I say, "Shut the f*** up,"

↓

- I'm talking to you. - Cool.

cool

↓

Now, you two sons of bitches, in my office now.

bitches office sons

↓

Right now!

↓

Hi. I am Billiam Willingham.

↓

So I bought these,

bought

↓

which is all anybody seems to be talking about right now.

anybody seems

↓

Cheers.

cheers

↓

It's a new synthetic drug.

drug

↓

Goes by the street name H.F.S.

name street

↓

Holy f***ing shit.

holy

↓

Holy...

holy

↓

They put this on the Internet for everybody to see?

everybody internet

↓

They're teenagers, man. They're really stupid.

stupid teenagers

↓

So you should blend right in.

blend

↓

Jessica, will you go to prom with me? But I already know the answer. It's yes.

answer jessica prom

↓

I could watch this kid all day.

watch

↓

Man, this kid rules.

rules

↓

Ruled.

ruled

↓

His parents found him OD'd in his room a few days ago.

days found parents room

↓

He's dead.

dead

↓

Whatever he took, the lab has never seen it before.

seen

↓

And as you can see, this kid is white.

white

↓

That means people actually give a shit.

↓

Sir, I just want to throw out to you that I would give a shit if he was black.

black throw

↓

Right now, H.F.S. is contained right there at Sagan High.

↓

Now, once this drug breaks containment, it goes viral in a few days.

breaks days drug viral

↓

Jenko, I looked at your old transcript.

jenko looked transcript

↓

I enrolled you in a bunch of bullshit courses

bullshit bunch courses enrolled

↓

like photography and drama.

drama photography

↓

Get in with the burnouts and the cool kids.

cool cool-kids kids

↓

Find out who's slinging this shit.

slinging

↓

Schmidt, says you were a virgin

schmidt virgin

↓

- through high school. - It says that?

school

↓

No. I just assumed it,

assumed

↓

due to your many years on the honor roll and your membership to the juggling squad.

honor membership roll squad years

↓

It's the Juggling Society, but it's fine. It’s fine.

society

↓

They're stealing equipment from the chemistry lab.

chemistry equipment stealing

↓

That's what we think they're cooking the dope with.

cooking dope

↓

I enrolled you into honors chemistry.

chemistry enrolled honors

↓

Here's your new identities, all right?

identities

↓

Brad and Doug McQuaid.

brad doug doug-mcquaid mcquaid

↓

The mission is this.

mission

↓

Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.

dealers infiltrate supplier

↓

We get to be brothers?

brothers

↓

Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.

dealers infiltrate supplier

↓

But if we find the supplier first, we don't have to worry about the dealers.

dealers supplier worry

↓

God damn. Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.

dealers infiltrate supplier

↓

Hey, Korean Jesus.

jesus korean

↓

I don't know if you only cater to Korean Christians

christians korean

↓

or if you even exist. No offense.

exist offense

↓

I just...

↓

I'm really freaked out about going back to high school.

freaked school

↓

It was just so f***ing hard the first time.

hard

↓

I know we haven't made our first arrest, or maybe I'm not the best cop.

arrest best

↓

Korean Jesus, I just really don't want to f*** this up.

jesus korean

↓

I'm sorry for swearing so much.

swearing

↓

The end?

↓

I don't really know how to end a prayer. The end?

prayer

↓

Yeah.

↓

Hey! Hey!

↓

Stop f***ing with Korean Jesus!

jesus korean

↓

He ain't got time for your problems. He busy!

aint busy problems

↓

With Korean shit.

korean

↓

- You two get to your mama house ASAP. - What?

asap house mama

↓

You're teenagers now, all right?

teenagers

↓

You two are staying at Schmidt's parents' house

house parents staying

↓

for the duration of this assignment.

assignment

↓

Fuck me.

fuck

↓

This house is adorable.

adorable house

↓

My baby's home! Come here.

babys home

↓

- You will always be my infant angel baby child. - There's my guy.

angel baby child infant

↓

It's great to see you guys.

↓

- Hey. - Schmidt family! Up top, Papa Schmidt.

family papa schmidt

↓

Oh, my God. Mama Schmidt, did you do all this yourself?

mama schmidt

↓

- This is unbelievable. - Well, yeah.

unbelievable

↓

- I guess I did. - It's gorgeous!

gorgeous

↓

So are you.

↓

Honey, listen, I want to tell you, we did blow up the air mattress in your room

blow honey mattress room

↓

'cause we're kind of using that as a workout area,

area using workout

↓

so I hope you don't mind the elliptical.

hope mind

↓

No, no! Jenko, Jenko, oh, my God, please. No, no.

jenko

↓

Don't touch that. We just brought it back from Sedona.

brought sedona touch

↓

Guys, can we get rid of this stuff?

stuff

↓

I mean, it looks like I died in a car crash

crash died

↓

- and you guys haven't moved on. - Rid of it?

moved

↓

If we take it down, we have to stop bragging about you.

bragging

↓

I look like Fred Savage from The Wonder Years,

fred savage wonder years

↓

but completely naked, wearing Indian friendship bracelets.

bracelets completely completely-naked friendship indian naked wearing

↓

That is a great picture, Morton.

picture

↓

You look like a young Jay Leno.

leno young

↓

Am I even wearing underwear in this picture?

picture underwear wearing

↓

No.

↓

I remember. You know why?

remember

↓

Because I've told it to a therapist about 8,000 times.

therapist times

↓

I mean, this is a fourth grade participation medal for soccer.

fourth fourth-grade grade medal soccer

↓

It's literally a medal for sucking.

medal sucking

↓

- No, that is a medal for trying. - Yes.

medal

↓

Let me tell you something. This guy was always a great tryer.

↓

That must be Phyllis. She is just dying to see you.

dying must phyllis

↓

What? Mom, you told Phyllis I was here? She's gonna tell the whole neighborhood.

neighborhood phyllis whole whole-neighborhood

↓

I told you, it's an undercover assignment. It's super secretive.

assignment super undercover

↓

"Undercover." That's so cute.

cute undercover

↓

- I'm going upstairs. - Okay, honey. I want you to know

honey upstairs

↓

- we are so glad you're here. - Okay.

glad

↓

That's great. Thank you.

↓

- All right. Where is he? - He's upstairs.

upstairs

↓

He just needs to take a little rest, and then he's dying to see you, too.

dying needs rest

↓

- Bye-bye. - I baked muffins!

baked muffins

↓

If you don't know your identity, we're screwed tomorrow.

identity screwed tomorrow

↓

You got to study this stuff.

study stuff

↓

Forget those identities. They're bullshit. They said I was held back a year.

bullshit forget held identities

↓

You were. You were held back two years.

held years

↓

Just 'cause it's a fake backstory doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my feelings.

backstory fake feelings hurt

↓

Fuck! Socks don't match.

fuck match socks

↓

I got to start all over.

start

↓

It's the first day of school, dude. I got to look awesome.

awesome school

↓

You know, back in the day, you were super popular,

popular super

↓

and I wasn't as much.

↓

We didn't really get along in high school.

along school

↓

You don't think that's going to happen again, do you?

happen

↓

No. Come on, man. We're adults now. We're best buds.

adults best buds

↓

It's definitely not going to happen again.

happen

↓

- We're good. - Cool.

cool

↓

Beautiful day out there, boys.

boys

↓

Just shut up.

↓

"Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

court used

↓

"You have the right to an attorney.

attorney

↓

"If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed..."

afford appointed attorney cannot

↓

Dude, do you still not know the Miranda rights? You're a cop.

miranda rights

↓

Come on, man. They always cut away on TV before they finish them.

finish

↓

All right, let's do it.

↓

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - What?

whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

What are you doing?

↓

- What? What are you talking about? - Are you two-strapping?

↓

- My backpack? Yeah. - Yeah, I got to be seen with you.

backpack seen

↓

You got to one-strap it.

strap

↓

Seriously, I would no-strap it if that would even be possible.

possible strap

↓

Okay, what makes you the expert?

expert makes

↓

I was cool in high school, and you weren't.

cool school

↓

Okay, that makes sense. Continue.

continue makes makes-sense sense

↓

The Three Keys of Coolness in High School, by Jenko.

coolness jenko keys school three

↓

One, don't try hard at anything.

hard

↓

Okay? Two, make fun of people who do try.

fun

↓

Three, be handsome.

handsome three

↓

Four, if anyone steps to you on the first day of school,

four school steps

↓

you punch them directly in the face.

directly face punch

↓

Five, drive a kick-ass car.

drive five kick

↓

Shit.

↓

All right, but just don't be driving it like teenagers,

driving teenagers

↓

revving up the engine and shit, okay?

engine revving

↓

We would never.

↓

Come on, Hoffs. Give us a little credit.

credit

↓

- Hey, you ready? - Go!

ready

↓

That was awesome! That was amazing.

amazing awesome

↓

- Was I flying? - That was amazing.

amazing flying

↓

All right, do mine, do mine.

↓

- Okay, ready? Here I go. - Yeah, yeah.

ready

↓

You okay?

↓

I think I shit my pants.

pants

↓

Hey, park in that handicapped spot.

handicapped park spot

↓

- It'll make us look cool. - That's awesome.

awesome cool itll

↓

Dude?

↓

- Everybody's two-strapping it. - Just stay with the one-strap.

everybodys strap

↓

I can't. I can't. I can't right now.

↓

What are you doing? What are you doing? Don't succumb to the peer pressure.

peer pressure succumb

↓

- What are you doing? - You're supposed to use two straps.

straps supposed

↓

- One strap is peer pressure. - No. No. You're f***ing up right now.

peer pressure strap

↓

Okay, those are Goths.

goths

↓

Those are nerds.

nerds

↓

I don't know what they are.

↓

What the f*** are those things?

↓

I'm so confused right now.

confused

↓

Whoa.

whoa

↓

- Hi. - Hey.

↓

- Hey. - Good morning.

morning

↓

Hey, yo. Hey.

↓

- Is that your car? - Yeah.

↓

What's that thing get, 10 miles to the gallon?

gallon miles

↓

No, try, like, seven.

seven

↓

- What about you? - Biodiesel, dawg.

dawg

↓

Smells like egg rolls.

rolls smells

↓

Yeah, it does. Runs on leftover fry oil from Hunan Palace.

leftover palace runs

↓

But we try to ride bikes when we can. Global crisis and whatnot.

bikes crisis global ride whatnot

↓

Whatever, man. I don't care about anything.

care

↓

You don't care about the environment? That's kind of f***ed up, man.

care environment

↓

Hey, hey, will y'all shut the hell up?

yall

↓

I'm trying to study. Thanks.

study thanks

↓

Look at him. He's trying.

↓

He's actually trying. What a nerd.

nerd

↓

Look at the nerd. Look at the nerd.

nerd

↓

- Look at him. Look at the nerd. - Who you calling a nerd, man?

calling nerd

↓

I'm sorry. What...

↓

- Shit! - Shit, dude.

↓

Are you okay, man? Hey, what the hell? Are you serious?

serious

↓

Well, turn that gay-ass music off.

music

↓

- You punched me because I'm gay? - What?

punched

↓

No. Come on.

↓

That's not cool, man.

cool

↓

That is really insensitive.

insensitive

↓

I didn't punch him because he's gay.

punch

↓

I punched him, and then he happened to turn out to be gay afterwards.

afterwards happened punched

↓

- I was gay when you punched me! - In a weird way,

punched weird

↓

it might have been homophobic not to punch you

homophobic might punch

↓

- just because you were gay. - Right.

↓

You punched a little gay black kid in the face,

black face punched

↓

and it's not even second period. How do you explain that?

explain period second

↓

Mr. Dadier, I'm so sorry about that. I just...

↓

Look, guys, I'm going to relate to you, okay?

relate

↓

A kid died the other day from drugs,

died drugs

↓

and nobody, including me, is doing anything about it.

including nobody

↓

That's weird, guys.

weird

↓

And then you two show up, with 30 days left,

days left

↓

causing trouble in my school.

causing school trouble

↓

I am one more black gay kid getting punched in the face

black face punched

↓

away from a nervous breakdown. Do I make myself clear?

breakdown clear nervous

↓

You guys cross my line again,

cross line

↓

and you walk into this office, I'm going to expel you. You got me?

office walk

↓

All right, let's do this. Which one of you is Doug?

doug

↓

Let's do that again and pretend you guys aren't weird.

pretend weird

↓

Which one of you is named Doug?

doug named

↓

- No, dude, I'm Brad. - Okay, good.

brad

↓

So that means your name is Doug, son.

doug name

↓

- Yeah, I'm Doug. - Great.

doug

↓

Here are your class schedules.

class schedules

↓

Funny, I wouldn't have taken you for the brainy type.

funny taken type

↓

I wouldn't. But you as a drama geek, far less surprising.

drama geek less surprising

↓

Thank you.

↓

Now we have the wrong identities, you dumbass.

dumbass identities

↓

I'm in drama. I suck at drama. It's girly and embarrassing.

drama embarrassing girly suck

↓

Oh, my God. Relax, dude. Who cares?

cares relax

↓

I can fake my way through band practice and app chemistry for a few weeks.

band chemistry fake practice weeks

↓

AP Chemistry. AP Chemistry. And, no, you can't,

chemistry

↓

because you don't even know what it's actually f***ing called!

called

↓

It's going to be fine. You go to my classes, and I'm going to go to yours.

classes

↓

Okay, now, chemistry's the one with the shapes and shit, right?

shapes

↓

Fuck.

fuck

↓

So, we are going to hold auditions for the Peter Pan part today.

auditions part peter today

↓

Billiam would've wanted the show to go on.

wanted wouldve

↓

When I was a young actor just starting out in New York state,

actor starting state york young

↓

Albany, to be exact,

exact

↓

- I booked a local television commercial... - Hey.

booked commercial local television

↓

...in which I had to play a young man...

young

↓

It's really sad about that kid. He was talented.

talented

↓

So are you saying if he wasn't talented, it would be less sad?

less talented

↓

No. No, no, no, that's not what I meant.

meant

↓

I was just busting your balls.

balls busting

↓

Okay. Good.

↓

I remember, one time, doing cocaine with Willie Nelson's horse,

cocaine horse remember

↓

and we were having so much fun.

fun having

↓

And then I realized that she was dead.

dead realized

↓

I remember one summer...

remember summer

↓

Do kids still do this stuff?

kids stuff

↓

Even after what happened to him?

happened

↓

Everyone's saying that Billiam had a heart murmur.

everyones heart

↓

Pretty much everyone I know does it, but it's not my thing.

↓

It's not really my thing, either,

↓

but a buddy of mine really wants it.

buddy wants

↓

Who would he call if he wanted it?

wanted

↓

Well, you can tell your friend

friend

↓

that if he really wanted it,

wanted

↓

it's not so hard to find.

hard

↓

When to take it. He shouldn't have been taking it at all.

↓

Drugs are bad.

drugs

↓

But they can have their place in the life of a professional actor.

actor life place professional

↓

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

welcome

↓

Notice the distinction. I said "professional actor."

actor distinction notice professional

↓

New person. Mr. Texty Texty.

person

↓

Since you have so much to say to Molly,

molly

↓

let's see if you can be Peter to our Wendy.

peter wendy

↓

You look like you might have a little Peter inside of you.

might peter

↓

I can't. I'm fine just being a tree or something.

tree

↓

Doug, you never won't know

doug

↓

what you can't achieve before you don't achieve it.

achieve

↓

My point is,

point

↓

you have to. Everyone auditions for Peter.

auditions peter

↓

Yeah, sure.

↓

My favorite molecule is water.

favorite water

↓

I'd marry it, unless it was my daughter.

daughter marry

↓

Its solid form floats on its liquid form, which makes it far outside the norm.

floats form liquid makes norm solid

↓

It allowed life to form on ancient Mars, and we use it to wash our cars.

allowed ancient cars form life mars wash

↓

H2O.

↓

H2O. H2O.

↓

- H2O. - It's okay. Thank you.

↓

Thank you, Zack. So good.

zack

↓

All right, anybody else for Molecule Mondays? Anyone?

anybody mondays

↓

Okay. Time for a pop Quiznos.

↓

A what?

↓

I'm sorry.

↓

What is your name? Brad?

brad name

↓

- Brad. Yes, ma'am. - Wow. Look at you,

brad maam

↓

Brad. Big.

brad

↓

What is a pop Quiznos?

↓

It's a quiz, and the first who finishes gets a $10 gift certificate to Quiznos.

certificate finishes gift quiz

↓

- Today's quiz is on... - You look really old.

quiz todays

↓

- Were you held back or something or... - No. You look super young.

held super young

↓

Were you held forward?

forward held

↓

I went to school in France, so...

france school

↓

And they do, like, two extra years of middle school there. It's so lame.

extra lame middle middle-school school years

↓

French, the language of love.

french language love

↓

That's cool, man. It's nice to meet you also.

cool meet

↓

Hey.

↓

Good luck.

luck

↓

I've gotta crow

crow

↓

I'm just the cleverest...

↓

Okay.

↓

Maybe try one cooler.

cooler

↓

And faster.

faster

↓

And louder. And better.

louder

↓

And less insecure and more just cool.

cool insecure less

↓

Okay, yeah, those are great notes.

notes

↓

I'm going to run outside,

↓

and I'm going to utilize those, and I'm going to come back.

utilize

↓

It's such bullshit.

bullshit

↓

Wow. You're fast.

fast

↓

Not like that. Just, let me check you out.

check

↓

Let me check out your chest.

check chest

↓

Check out your test... Let me...

check test

↓

Let me grade your quiz.

grade quiz

↓

Can I go take a dump?

dump

↓

Yeah, okay. That's cool.

cool

↓

We have this "hurry back" rule,

hurry rule

↓

so if you're not back in six minutes, I have to send you to the principal.

minutes principal send

↓

Rules are rules, so,

rules

↓

I guess this will have to be a quickie.

quickie

↓

- Which way is yearbook? - I don't know.

yearbook

↓

- Is it this way? - I don't know!

↓

- Yo. - Hey.

↓

You guys, huh?

↓

That was a total mix-up, what happened earlier.

happened total

↓

- Yeah. - He feels awful. He feels...

awful feels

↓

Totally, very nervous.

nervous

↓

You're the dealer?

dealer

↓

- You're the dealer guy? - Is that you?

dealer

↓

Yep.

↓

So do you make the stuff or...

stuff

↓

Do I look like a f***ing scientist? No, I just sell it.

scientist sell

↓

- Yeah, he just sells it. Come on. - Yeah, no, I'm sorry.

sells

↓

- I meant I just... - How many you guys want?

meant

↓

20 bucks a pop.

bucks

↓

One each? One pop each of drugs.

drugs

↓

You guys aren't narcs, are you?

narcs

↓

Whoa!

whoa

↓

- Dude, come on. - No! Maybe you're a narc.

narc

↓

You know who calls people narcs?

calls narcs

↓

Narcs, narc.

narc narcs

↓

First of all, your argument kind of just collapsed on itself,

argument collapsed

↓

because if you call us narcs,

narcs

↓

if narcs call people narcs, and you call us narcs, then that's kind of...

narcs

↓

- 'Cause you just said that. - They call people...

↓

Look, I don't have time for this shit. You guys want to do this or not?

↓

- Jesus. - Yes.

jesus

↓

- Yes, yes. - No problem.

problem

↓

All right, take it here so I know you're cool.

cool

↓

I'm sorry. What?

↓

- We were going to take it home. - I gotta go back to class,

class home

↓

- is the only thing. - I was thinking that I was gonna go home,

home thinking

↓

maybe turn down the lights,

lights

↓

getting snuggy, get a little weird.

weird

↓

I was going to take it, and then masturbate later.

masturbate

↓

Okay, I'm not asking. Take it now or get the f*** out.

asking

↓

I got to finish the girls' volleyball page by lunch.

finish girls lunch page volleyball

↓

Yeah?

↓

Yeah, no, it's all good.

↓

- I love doing drugs at school. - I'll just take the drugs right here,

drugs love school

↓

in our mouths.

mouths

↓

There you go. That's it.

↓

What is that? Barbecue? Cool Ranch?

barbecue cool ranch

↓

Have fun.

fun

↓

- You got to pull the trigger! - Okay.

pull trigger

↓

You got to pull the trigger!

pull trigger

↓

- We got to throw up, man. - I can't.

throw

↓

We gotta throw up. That kid, Billiam, died. We got to throw up.

died throw

↓

Just think of something gross. Think of something gross.

gross

↓

- You f***ing think of something. - Okay, all right, all right.

↓

Your grandma's vagina, and there's a dick going into it.

dick grandmas vagina

↓

- What the f*** are you saying? - I don't know! I'm just trying!

↓

- I'm trying my best! I'm just trying! - Fuck! Come on, man!

best fuck

↓

Dude, let's just finger each other's mouths.

finger mouths others

↓

- No! - Yeah.

↓

No, you're not fingering my mouth.

mouth

↓

- Do you wanna die? Do you wanna die? - Okay, fine!

↓

Let's go. Come on. Come on! Come on!

↓

What are you doing? Are you trying to find my G-spot?

spot

↓

- Just stick it in! - I don't know. I've never done this!

stick

↓

Just stick it in! Go!

stick

↓

Cut your f***ing fingernails!

fingernails

↓

Oh, God!

↓

Is it me?

↓

I'm sorry.

↓

I just can't sometimes.

sometimes

↓

Think we're going to be fine. I don't feel anything.

↓

Me, neither.

↓

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

You got a pass for running around the hallways like a couple of ding-a-lings?

couple ding hallways pass running

↓

Pass, in your hand.

hand pass

↓

Hello.

↓

Damn. You guys are late.

late

↓

Now I'm going to have to take you to the principal's office.

office principals principals-office

↓

- No, no, no, man. Come on, please. Sorry. - Come on, please.

↓

You have exceptional muscle tone there, young man.

exceptional muscle tone young

↓

When'd you go through puberty? Like, at seven or something?

puberty seven

↓

You look like you're in your mid-20s, for crying out loud.

crying loud

↓

McQuaid, huh? Doug McQuaid.

doug doug-mcquaid mcquaid

↓

I read your file.

file read

↓

You got a lot of something special going on there, young man.

special young

↓

What the hell was that? God damn it, son!

↓

Don't ever raise your hand to me like that again, all right?

hand raise

↓

I consider that a threat.

consider threat

↓

I was just saying that I'm Doug.

doug

↓

I'm Doug McQuaid. See, that's Brad.

brad doug doug-mcquaid mcquaid

↓

That's Brad.

brad

↓

You're the new kid who's All County in track?

county track

↓

Yes, I'm Doug McQuaid,

doug doug-mcquaid mcquaid

↓

the track star, and this is Brad, the science prodigy.

brad prodigy science star track

↓

He's really fast.

fast

↓

Is this funny to you guys?

funny

↓

So you're Doug. You're Doug. You're Doug.

doug

↓

You're Doug. You're Doug.

doug

↓

Here's the deal.

deal

↓

My track team is full of physically incapable rejects.

full incapable physically rejects team track

↓

I mean, if I wasn't the coach, I'd be laughing my ass off

coach laughing

↓

at how spastic they are, but I am the coach,

coach

↓

so I need you.

↓

I need me some Doug McQuaid.

doug doug-mcquaid mcquaid

↓

Understand?

↓

I need you to run anchor on the 4 X 400 at today's track meet.

anchor meet todays track

↓

You do that, and I'll sign this pass.

pass sign

↓

Don't blow on me, son.

blow

↓

I haven't trained.

trained

↓

Guys, don't make me take you to the principal's office.

office principals principals-office

↓

Do we have a deal?

deal

↓

Yes.

↓

Nice.

↓

I don't like that. Put your tongue back in your mouth.

mouth tongue

↓

Put your tongue in your mouth, and close it.

close mouth tongue

↓

What are you doing? Stop it.

↓

Actually, that's not bad.

↓

All right, here you go.

↓

Are you guys on drugs?

drugs

↓

Okay.

↓

One particle of Unobtainium has a nuclear reaction with a flux capacitor.

nuclear reaction

↓

Carry the two, changing its atomic isotoner into a radioactive spider.

atomic carry changing spider

↓

Fuck you, science!

fuck science

↓

All right, all right, we're good.

↓

We're good. We're good, man. We're good.

↓

We're good, baby.

baby

↓

Good work. Hit that shit.

↓

I've gotta crow

crow

↓

I'm just the cleverest fellow

fellow

↓

'Twas ever my fortune to know

fortune

↓

I taught a trick to my shadow

shadow taught trick

↓

To stick to the tip of my toe

stick

↓

I've gotta crow

crow

↓

I've gotta

↓

Crow!

crow

↓

Christoph, did you feel that?

↓

Who are you?

↓

Welcome aboard, Peter.

aboard peter welcome welcome-aboard

↓

No, keep it going!

↓

Keep it going. That was so tight!

tight

↓

No, no, no, keep it going. Keep it going.

↓

All right, let's go, McQuaid!

mcquaid

↓

All right! Yeah!

↓

I like it! I like the confidence, son!

confidence

↓

I know y'all seen this shit before.

seen yall

↓

I know you've seen this shit before.

seen

↓

Huge lead! Huge lead! We got this. All right.

huge lead

↓

You're looking amped!

amped looking

↓

Here we go.

↓

Here we go! Here we go!

↓

Hey, pick it up!

pick

↓

Hey, no, McQuaid, pick it up. What are you doing?

mcquaid pick

↓

What are you doing? Pick it...

pick

↓

What? McQuaid!

mcquaid

↓

Don't throw the baton, you jackass!

baton jackass throw

↓

Come on!

↓

McQuaid!

mcquaid

↓

Run that way!

↓

Spike that! Fuck you, Miles Davis!

davis fuck miles spike

↓

Let's go, God damn it! Let's do this!

↓

Let's go! Come on!

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

No, no.

↓

No, stop.

↓

Come here. Come here.

↓

Don't make a...

↓

That is a baton penis.

baton penis

↓

Speak of the devil!

devil speak

↓

Dude, that was awesome how you sabotaged that track meet, man.

awesome meet track

↓

Organized sports are so fascist. It makes me sick.

fascist makes organized sick sports

↓

That's just what I do.

↓

Okay. Shit, man. See you around, all right?

↓

I don't get this school.

school

↓

That was awesome.

awesome

↓

Okay, so we stayed up all night making this.

night stayed

↓

It's awesome. You're really going to like it.

awesome

↓

All yarn work was done by Jenko.

jenko yarn

↓

Okay, Captain, look, the dealers are the popular kids,

captain dealers kids popular

↓

but they're not normal popular.

normal popular

↓

They're these crunchy granola dudes that have convinced everyone

convinced crunchy dudes

↓

that they're cool, and they're not cool.

cool

↓

It's backwards and unnatural, and it's got to be stopped.

backwards stopped unnatural

↓

Lead dealer, Eric Molson. Alpha dog.

alpha dealer eric lead

↓

Sick chicks, killer steeze.

chicks killer sick

↓

Did the AIDS run this year.

aids

↓

He's getting into Berkeley, early admish,

early

↓

and he totally gets me.

↓

Who put this together? Are you autistic?

↓

It is artistic, sir, because the thing is,

artistic

↓

- the yarn actually indicates... - We're compiling a list

indicates list yarn

↓

of suspicious types at school. The users are here.

school suspicious types users

↓

This kid was actually talking to a tree this morning.

morning tree

↓

Cut the bullshit!

bullshit

↓

I want to know who's the supplier.

supplier

↓

We don't know. That's why there's a question mark on his face.

face mark question question-mark

↓

That's not the way his face looks. That's just a question mark.

face mark question question-mark

↓

Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.

dealers infiltrate supplier

↓

Simple.

simple

↓

Sounds like you guys really cracked the whole case.

case cracked sounds whole

↓

Great job. You guys are on fire.

fire

↓

- So proud. - Like you could do any better?

proud

↓

We just brought down a group of wannabe thugs

brought group thugs

↓

stripping down cars in the Garfield High metal shop.

cars garfield metal shop stripping

↓

- What? - Meanwhile, you two were standing around

meanwhile standing

↓

finger-popping each other's assholes.

assholes finger others popping

↓

We're not finger-popping each other's assholes.

assholes finger others popping

↓

What we're doing is getting shit done.

↓

Yeah, as a matter of fact,

fact matter

↓

I'm about to infiltrate a super high-tech

infiltrate super tech

↓

drug manufacturing ring in the chemistry classroom.

chemistry classroom drug ring

↓

- Password! - Open the door!

door open password

↓

- You have to say the password. - I'm sorry. What?

password

↓

What are you...

↓

Geez.

geez

↓

What are y'all doing? How'd you get a key in here?

howd yall

↓

Ms. Griggs gave us one so we could work, tutor, deal Bakugan.

deal tutor

↓

Bakugan? You dealing drugs?

dealing drugs

↓

- Let me see. You dealing drugs? - No.

dealing drugs

↓

It's just a card game. It's, like, a hybrid card game.

card game

↓

- See? They open up. - Battle Brawlers.

battle open

↓

- You're not doing anything illegal? - No.

illegal

↓

- What are you doing in here? - I'm here to study.

study

↓

Good. You could use it. You're pretty far behind, so...

behind

↓

You're behind. I'm ahead.

ahead behind

↓

- I know everything. - Really?

↓

What's a covalent bond?

bond

↓

Fuck you, man. I don't need to tell you.

fuck

↓

I wasn't trying to be rude. Sorry.

rude

↓

I just... I don't think you know everything.

↓

I know everything.

↓

Okay.

↓

What kind of bullshit do they say about a covalent bond in this school?

bond bullshit school

↓

They say it's when two atoms share both their electrons.

atoms share

↓

It helps them to stick together.

helps stick

↓

I could help you out if you want, tutor you for the test.

test tutor

↓

What are you doing with all those phones anyway?

phones

↓

I crack and jailbreak kids' phones to try and save for college.

college crack kids phones save

↓

You know, I switch their wireless carriers, get them restricted apps.

apps restricted switch wireless

↓

Can you listen in on phone calls and stuff?

calls phone phone-calls stuff

↓

No, no, I can't install a spyware to remotely monitor calls

calls install monitor remotely

↓

or anything that the mic picks up.

picks

↓

- I can't do that at all. - Wait, you can't do it?

↓

No, I can't.

↓

- Is he being sarcastic? - I don't know.

sarcastic

↓

So you can.

↓

Liking comic books is popular.

books comic liking popular

↓

Environmental awareness, being tolerant.

awareness environmental tolerant

↓

If I was just born 10 years later, I would have been the coolest person ever.

born coolest person years

↓

I know. It's bullshit.

bullshit

↓

You know what?

↓

I totally know the cause.

↓

Glee. Fuck you, Glee.

fuck

↓

Man, I got to say, this is kind of awesome.

awesome

↓

I might become popular. I might get in with the popular kids.

become kids might popular

↓

We just have to do something wildly irresponsible to earn their trust.

earn irresponsible trust wildly

↓

You saying we should throw a party?

party throw

↓

I'll invite Molly, and then Molly will invite Eric,

eric invite molly

↓

and that'll be the quickest way for me to bro down with him.

quickest thatll

↓

Wouldn't it be better if we both infiltrated the cool kids' group?

cool cool-kids group infiltrated kids

↓

I think it would be better if you get in

↓

with the nerdy kids and see what's going on over there.

kids nerdy

↓

That'd be the best thing for the case.

best case thatd

↓

Yeah. I mean, I guess that makes sense.

makes makes-sense sense

↓

- Hello? - Hey. Is this Molly?

molly

↓

Speaking.

speaking

↓

Hey. It's Schmidt.

schmidt

↓

It's Doug Schmug McQuaid.

doug mcquaid

↓

Hey, man.

↓

It's so weird that you're calling me.

calling weird

↓

I pretty much text except for when a random old relative calls.

calls except random relative text

↓

I was just calling 'cause we're costarring in this play together,

calling

↓

- and... - Hello?

↓

Mom, get off the phone!

phone

↓

Sorry, Doug,

doug

↓

- my teen son. - Mom!

teen

↓

I love you, honey, Dougie, Doug, Douglas McQuaid.

doug dougie douglas honey love mcquaid

↓

Mom, so serious right now! Stop!

serious

↓

I'm sorry. My mom's such a dick.

dick moms

↓

She just, like, smothers me with affection and makes me feel like I'm five years old.

affection five five-years makes years

↓

Wow. You're a sharer. I dig that.

↓

Well, I'm 18 years old, and my mom still packs a lunch for me every day.

lunch packs years

↓

There was this one month where she bought me 43 stuffed animals.

animals bought month stuffed stuffed-animals

↓

The doctor thought I was gonna spontaneously grow a vagina.

doctor grow spontaneously vagina

↓

I didn't, though, just to be clear.

clear

↓

Yeah, because you already had one.

↓

Exactly. I already had one.

↓

And you don't need two vaginas. You just don't.

↓

Although you could use one as a coin purse.

coin purse

↓

I never got any stuffed animals growing up.

animals growing stuffed stuffed-animals

↓

Wait, actually, that's not true. I did.

↓

My dad gave me a stuffed puppy the day he bailed on us.

bailed puppy stuffed

↓

I'm just f***ing with you.

↓

That is a weird joke.

joke weird

↓

I thought your dad abandoned your family.

abandoned family

↓

No, he did walk out on us, though.

walk

↓

But he didn't even leave me a stuffed puppy.

puppy stuffed

↓

Just broken dreams.

broken dreams

↓

Oh, man. Well, I guess, to that, I would say,

↓

well,

↓

that there are some good guys out there,

↓

and I wouldn't let, you know, one experience

experience

↓

taint your memory.

memory taint

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

Are you getting choked up? I'm sorry if I made you upset.

choked upset

↓

No, it's just, you know, I don't like when guys are mean to girls.

girls

↓

Yeah. Well, thanks.

thanks

↓

Normal transition here.

normal transition

↓

Actually, I'm having a party next weekend. You should come!

having party weekend

↓

You and Eric and Juario, whatever.

eric

↓

Do you mind if I just put, like, a posting on Facebook?

facebook mind posting

↓

Okay. Yeah, yeah!

↓

I should call you back.

↓

Well, all right, I'll see you at school. You're a great person.

person school

↓

- Bye-bye. Bye. - Bye.

↓

What the f*** are you...

↓

Are y'all throwing a party?

party throwing yall

↓

- What? - There's rumors in the Twittersphere.

rumors

↓

And if any of my officers

officers

↓

are caught giving alcohol to minors,

alcohol caught giving

↓

they'll find theyself in prison

prison

↓

with a snorkel duct-taped to they mouth

duct duct-taped mouth taped

↓

and me shitting down that snorkel.

shitting

↓

That's extremely vivid. Thank you.

extremely

↓

You're the best. You are the best.

best

↓

- Oh, my God. - We love you.

love

↓

- Enjoy the vineyard. - You boys be good, now.

boys enjoy

↓

Yeah, I can't believe you guys did this for us.

believe

↓

Bye!

↓

"We love you"? What are you doing? Why you saying "I love you" to my mom?

love

↓

- I'm in character. Shut up. - It's weird.

character weird

↓

Look, dude, it's kind of like we're brothers.

brothers

↓

Wait, how are we going to buy alcohol?

alcohol

↓

Dude, I don't have a fake ID.

fake

↓

How are we going to get drugs for the party?

drugs party

↓

Oh, no.

↓

We got a pound of coke.

coke pound

↓

We're trying to show them a good time, not ruin their f***ing lives.

lives ruin

↓

Pound of marijuana?

marijuana pound

↓

- Best party ever. - Boo-yah!

best party

↓

To a brilliant idea

brilliant brilliant-idea idea

↓

from my brilliant brother

brilliant brother

↓

that I love so very much.

love

↓

And this is going to f***ing rock.

rock

↓

- Cheers, man. - Cheers.

cheers

↓

- Who invited you guys? - I did!

invited

↓

The party's here!

partys

↓

- What's up, Zack? - Hey, buddy.

buddy zack

↓

What's up, Roman?

roman

↓

This is crazy. This is, like, the craziest thing I've ever been a part of.

craziest crazy part

↓

Where is Eric, man? He said he'd be here.

eric

↓

Do we have enough chips?

chips

↓

Is this playlist too dance-y?

dance playlist

↓

- Feels too dance-y. - Too dance-y?

dance feels

↓

- What are you talking about? - I don't know, it just feels dance-y.

dance feels

↓

What are you doing?

↓

- That's my mom's Kokopelli vase. - I got it, I got it.

moms vase

↓

Doug, Doug, hey!

doug

↓

Hey, Paul Blart: Molly Cop.

molly paul

↓

Such a bad joke.

joke

↓

Terrible, terrible.

↓

- You guys know each other, right? - Yeah.

↓

Get ready, get ready, there's Eric. Wait for the signal.

eric ready signal

↓

And then you come in here looking like a rock-solid 10.

looking rock solid

↓

What?

↓

What's up, man, how you doing?

↓

Eco Suave.

↓

Whoa.

whoa

↓

Wow, so I'm really digging this decor.

digging

↓

Very Native American.

american native native-american

↓

Yeah, our parents are actually

parents

↓

- really into Native American... - Let's rock and roll.

american native native-american rock roll

↓

- Sorry. - What are y'all doing?

yall

↓

- Come on. - Did you guys even see Eric?

eric

↓

Seriously, did you not see Eric?

eric

↓

No offense, man, but your brother sucks.

brother offense sucks

↓

Yo, this is butt. There's, like, no hot dudes here.

butt dudes

↓

- Man, let's bounce. - We're out of here, man.

bounce

↓

No, no, no, come on, you guys just got here, you just got here.

↓

Come on, let me at least give you a tour.

least tour

↓

Okay, boys, come on, we did it, we can do this, just go,

boys

↓

just go as fast as you possibly can.

fast possibly

↓

Taking out the SIM card.

card

↓

Taking out the SIM card.

card

↓

Taking down Eric with the SIM card information

card eric information

↓

Come on, CSI the shit out of this thing.

↓

- Are you drunk? - No.

drunk

↓

Have you even been drunk before?

drunk

↓

- No, but... - Give me this.

↓

- What? - Can we get some bitches up in here?

bitches

↓

'Cause it's just boys right now.

boys

↓

No, you can't get any bitches up here.

bitches

↓

This is my parents' bedroom.

bedroom parents

↓

- What the f***, bro? Some privacy! - Shit, shit, shit!

privacy

↓

And that is a really gross three-way.

gross three

↓

But what was the girl in the back doing?

girl

↓

Warehouse rave in Ellsworth.

rave warehouse

↓

Cool, yeah.

cool

↓

Hey, man, thank you for the hospitality,

hospitality

↓

but we got to get going. You know how it is, yeah?

↓

Dude, tell me about it.

↓

Is it ready? He's gonna leave right now.

ready

↓

It's extracting right now.

↓

Dude, it's now or never! Is it ready or not?

ready

↓

Read this. "Please wait. Extracting data from SIM card."

card data read

↓

Shit! It's a bust.

bust

↓

- Keep it casual. - Yeah.

casual

↓

- Go with the flow, dude. - Cool, man.

cool flow

↓

- I don't like to make plans or whatever. - You got it.

plans

↓

- Thank you again, though, man. - All right.

↓

Eric, Eric, Eric. Hey, man, what's up?

eric eric-eric

↓

Hey, why you here, Scott?

scott

↓

What, Kennedy High isn't having any parties tonight?

having kennedy parties tonight

↓

No, I heard you guys were partying with some new stuff.

heard partying stuff

↓

Wanted to know your hookup so me and my boys can get in on it.

boys wanted

↓

Got other commitments on that front, so, you know...

front

↓

I wasn't asking.

asking

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

Take five, take five, man, let me get this. I got this.

five

↓

- Yeah? You sure? - I got this one.

↓

Hey, big player, I don't know who you are.

player

↓

- Don't worry about who I am. - I'm worried about it.

worried worry

↓

- Why? - 'Cause you're at my party now, dude.

party

↓

This is my temple, this is where I come to find peace, dawg,

dawg peace temple

↓

and you're coming in here like an emotional bull in a china shop,

bull china coming emotional shop

↓

metaphorically knocking over vases, messing with my crew,

crew knocking messing

↓

and I'm like, "What, Scott, what, Scott, what, what, what, what, Scott?"

scott

↓

- It's that kind of party? - Yeah, dude.

party

↓

Matter of fact, it's getting hot in here, huh?

fact matter

↓

- No, it's getting real. - It's getting very real.

real

↓

Yeah. It's like seven strangers living in one house. True story.

house living seven story strangers

↓

- You want Real World? - Yeah, let's do it, man.

real real-world world

↓

- Come on. What's your Real... - Here's Real World.

real real-world world

↓

What was that? Did you hear that?

↓

Real enough for you?

real

↓

Schmidt. Doug.

doug schmidt

↓

- What do I do? - Hit him!

↓

Shit! That hurt worse than when he hit me!

hurt worse

↓

Fight normal.

fight normal

↓

Yo, I'm serious.

serious

↓

Sorry.

↓

- I'll f***ing kill you! - I'm sorry! I'm very sorry!

kill

↓

Seriously, use your words, use your words!

words

↓

I kicked him in the nuts.

kicked nuts

↓

Fight's over, dude! Fight's over! Fight's over!

fights

↓

No, watch my mom's shit, man!

moms watch

↓

- I'm gonna f***ing kill you! - You'll knock over my mom's vase!

kill knock moms vase

↓

- Fuck your mom's vase! - Fuck this!

fuck moms vase

↓

Oh, shit!

↓

Yeah!

↓

That's my brother!

brother

↓

- That was insane! - You're so cool!

cool insane

↓

Did you see that shit? That was crazy.

crazy

↓

Oh, shit,

↓

when did I get stabbed?

stabbed

↓

That's awesome.

awesome

↓

Yeah!

↓

Is that a cop?

↓

Where?

↓

No, it's not. Here.

↓

I'm so glad we're going back to get my phone.

glad phone

↓

I just hope we don't wake up Schmidty.

hope wake

↓

Oh, my God, he's a policeman now.

policeman

↓

It's like we're living with a narc.

living narc

↓

The boy is an angel.

angel

↓

Pull it out!

pull

↓

Pull it out! Pull it out! Pull it out!

pull

↓

Sorry!

↓

Okay, let's take some shots.

shots

↓

Shots, shots!

shots

↓

That's like us f***ing Mother Earth without a condom.

condom earth mother

↓

What the f*** is going on?

↓

Annie, hang on.

annie hang

↓

Are you f***ing kidding me?

kidding

↓

Get out of my house. I said get out! The party's over!

house partys

↓

I'm sorry, Mom, I'm sorry!

↓

The mom is coming!

coming

↓

- Listen to me! - Chill out! Chill out!

chill

↓

- Let go of me! - You're embarrassing me

embarrassing

↓

- in front of my friends! - Get back here, you shit!

friends front

↓

Dude, that was so crazy, man.

crazy

↓

I swear, best party I've been to in years.

best party swear years

↓

Dude, I'm doing crazy stuff like that,

crazy stuff

↓

- like, all the time, man. - I bet you are.

↓

Dude, I'm so amped right now, God!

amped

↓

You, dude, I like you, man.

↓

How do you feel about making a little extra money?

extra money

↓

Whatever it is, I'm in.

↓

All right, here's the deal.

deal

↓

Okay, I can't sell all this shit on my own, but I only bring in people I like.

bring sell

↓

Okay, you do good, maybe we bring you in on what we're doing,

bring

↓

I introduce you to my hookup. How's that sound?

introduce sound

↓

- Cool with me. - My man.

cool

↓

That is my man...

↓

That was nuts. I lost you guys.

lost nuts

↓

Hey, thank you again for the party, man.

party

↓

Yo, yo.

↓

Come on!

↓

"I love dick"?

dick love

↓

You think that's funny?

funny

↓

"Wonder Years douche"?

douche wonder years

↓

What kind of a sick animal draws

animal draws sick

↓

an ejaculating penis into an 8-year-old's mouth?

mouth olds penis

↓

It's arguably, like, an airplane throwing up.

airplane throwing

↓

You think I don't know that's a dick and balls?

balls dick

↓

I know all about dick and balls!

balls dick

↓

I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober,

robert sober

↓

when he was really f***ed up and a lot of fun!

fun

↓

You know what? From now on, you're gonna do some chores.

chores

↓

You're gonna wash the laundry, you're gonna fold it,

fold laundry wash

↓

you're gonna do the dishes, you're gonna mow the lawn...

dishes lawn

↓

Dude, I have a surprise for you.

surprise

↓

Last night at the party, I took Eric's phone

erics night party phone

↓

and I had Zack put this monitoring device in it,

device zack

↓

so we're gonna get to hear every single thing that little prick is up to.

prick single

↓

Dude, I don't know if that was a good idea.

idea

↓

What?

↓

- What if you had gotten found out? - But it worked.

found gotten worked

↓

This is, like, the smartest move I've ever pulled,

pulled smartest

↓

so, I'm sorry, what are you getting mad at me for?

↓

I'm not getting mad at you. I'm glad you have something to do.

glad

↓

Good.

↓

What's up?

↓

Great job, Schmidt.

schmidt

↓

- Password! - Kneel before Zod!

kneel password

↓

You may enter.

enter

↓

Thank you, Zod.

↓

Let's tap that wire, huh?

wire

↓

We were just about to go outside with a bunch of chemicals.

bunch chemicals

↓

We were going to test what blows up.

blows test

↓

There's no reason the wiretap is super urgent, right?

reason super urgent

↓

Not that I can think of that would make sense.

sense

↓

Go for it, go for it.

↓

- Look out. - Go, go, go!

↓

Yes!

↓

Yes, that's what I'm talking about!

↓

That's what I'm talking about!

↓

I love this science shit!

love science

↓

This is what you guys do all day? Let's do it again.

↓

Are you texting Molly?

molly texting

↓

What?

↓

I don't... Molly...

molly

↓

Maybe. Is that...

↓

Whoa, it's cool, man, come on.

cool whoa

↓

I'm not some, like, '50s letterman who pins a girl.

girl pins

↓

I mean, yeah, we blow each other sometimes, but it's not a thing.

blow sometimes

↓

I just, like... I don't know, I don't believe in possessions, ja feel?

believe possessions

↓

Ja feel, ja definitely feel.

↓

- Yeah. - Schmidty?

↓

Schmidty.

↓

Phyllis.

phyllis

↓

- I'll be right back, dude. - Okay.

↓

Hey. How are you?

↓

- How is my favorite police officer? - Okay.

favorite officer police police-officer

↓

Your mother told me that you are undercover.

mother undercover

↓

Listen, now is not a really good time.

↓

Are you undercover right now?

undercover

↓

Yes, it means I'm undercover right now.

undercover

↓

Are those the bad guys over there?

↓

Do they have guns? Oh, my God. Oh, God, this is so exciting.

exciting guns

↓

I have got to call Annie. She is gonna die.

annie

↓

I heard that that Jenko boy is your partner.

heard jenko partner

↓

- Where is my phone? - Okay, okay.

phone

↓

Shut your f***ing mouth.

mouth

↓

Shut your f***ing mouth, you understand me?

mouth

↓

Let's go check this out.

check

↓

I will straight-up punch you in the face if you do not shut up.

face punch straight

↓

- There is no... - A straight-up face punch.

face punch straight

↓

I swear to God, you're gonna get me killed.

killed swear

↓

- Hey, yo. - That is...

↓

Shit! She just tried to grab my dick, dude!

dick grab tried

↓

- What? You tried to grab his... - She tried to grab my junk.

grab junk tried

↓

She was like, "Oh, my God, I have arthritis,

arthritis

↓

"it hurts my hand, I need to grab a handful of that dick."

dick grab hand handful hurts

↓

I was like, "Get the f*** off me!"

↓

She said, "I need to grab a handful of that dick"?

dick grab handful

↓

And it felt good, but then it felt weird for a second,

second weird

↓

so I pushed her. We got to get out of here.

pushed

↓

All right, cool, let's get the...

cool

↓

So your parents are just cool with having people over whenever?

cool having parents

↓

Yeah, you know, they're out most nights.

nights

↓

Pretty laissez-faire about the whole thing.

whole

↓

You're so lucky your parents don't give a shit about you.

lucky parents

↓

Right?

↓

- This place is awesome. - Yeah.

awesome place

↓

Hey.

↓

Hey, what's up?

↓

How's it going?

↓

Wow, that's a bigger hug than I was expecting.

bigger expecting

↓

Sorry. I'm happy to see you.

happy

↓

Yeah. Yeah, me, too.

↓

- Hey. - Hey.

↓

Good?

↓

- All right, come on. - Yeah, let's...

↓

I brought tacos, so that's cool.

brought cool tacos

↓

Try to turn it, try to turn it, spoiler alert

alert spoiler-alert

↓

Spoiler alert, spoiler alert!

alert spoiler-alert

↓

Hey, boys, this eco-pussy is going down today.

boys pussy today

↓

Take down eco-pussy

pussy

↓

Take down eco-pussy!

pussy

↓

Mother Earth, Mother Earth is dying

dying earth mother

↓

And when it rains

rains

↓

It means that beautiful bitch is crying

bitch crying

↓

- It's really not a planet. - It's for sure a planet.

planet

↓

Pluto is a planet.

planet

↓

- It's ready! - It used to be a planet.

planet ready used

↓

- It's ready. - Not anymore.

anymore ready

↓

Reduce, reuse

reduce

↓

Recycle

recycle

↓

I'm embarrassed.

embarrassed

↓

- I always feel exposed after playing. - Do not feel exposed.

exposed playing

↓

I got to use the bathroom.

bathroom

↓

- Is it in there? - Yeah, yeah, right up there, dude.

↓

All right, all right, all right, all right. God damn that.

↓

The mic is live and we can hear how the other half lives.

half live lives

↓

What are you doing?

↓

I heard something.

heard

↓

Hey, can I ask you something? Sit down.

↓

Okay.

↓

I just want to make sure that you and Eric are going to be careful

careful eric

↓

with whatever it is that you're getting involved in.

involved

↓

Yeah, I promise we will.

promise

↓

It would just suck if something bad happened because

happened suck

↓

you're a good guy.

↓

Yeah, no, I feel the same way about you,

↓

except girl version.

except girl version

↓

You're a girl.

girl

↓

- I am. - Yeah.

↓

That's why I put this dress on,

dress

↓

- to remind you. - Exactly.

remind

↓

- Are you excited about the play? - Yes.

excited

↓

Yeah, you were just

↓

- right in there with excitement. - Yes.

excitement

↓

- No hesitash. - I'm very excited.

excited

↓

Yeah.

↓

Does that make me a super nerd?

nerd super

↓

No, not at all.

↓

We get to act together.

↓

What a vagina. He has no chance with her.

chance vagina

↓

So...

↓

- Shit. - Sorry.

↓

You're on the prom committee.

committee prom

↓

Do you think it's going to be fun?

fun

↓

Did she just bring up prom on her own?

bring prom

↓

- She did, she just brought up prom. - What is she doing?

brought prom

↓

I think it's going to be awesome.

awesome

↓

- Prom eats a dong. - Multiple dongs.

dong dongs eats multiple prom

↓

All right, anyone who says

↓

they don't care about prom actually secretly does.

care prom secretly

↓

Who we gonna take to the prom? No one's going to prom with us.

ones prom

↓

Come on, picture it. You pull up in a white stallion of a limo.

limo picture pull stallion white

↓

You got fine-ass honeys with you.

↓

You're dressed to the nines with your best buds.

best buds dressed nines

↓

Doves fly out behind you, slow motion.

behind doves motion slow slow-motion

↓

Doves. Why doves?

doves

↓

'Cause doves make you look like a badass, that's why.

badass doves

↓

I am pretty skeptical,

skeptical

↓

but maybe, if someone fun asked me, I would go.

asked fun

↓

Aren't... Isn't... Aren't you and Eric...

eric

↓

Wouldn't you and Eric go together?

eric

↓

Not that I know of.

↓

Would you...

↓

He's going to choke.

choke

↓

He always chokes. He's going to choke, wait for it.

choke chokes

↓

So would...

↓

So would...

↓

Would you...

↓

Maybe...

↓

- Oh, my God. Are you okay? - Yeah.

↓

That is the actual sound of choking.

actual choking sound

↓

I was wondering if you...

wondering

↓

Would you

↓

maybe want to go

↓

with me to prom?

prom

↓

Would you want to go to me... Maybe with me to prom?

prom

↓

Yes.

↓

I would love to go to prom with you.

love prom

↓

What? She just said yes!

↓

- Whoa. - Wow.

whoa

↓

Good for you, Doug.

doug

↓

Thank you for asking.

asking

↓

Put her there, man.

↓

Just put... Put it right there.

↓

I'm putting it right there.

putting

↓

Yeah. There you guys are.

↓

What's up, my man?

↓

- Hi. - How you doing?

↓

- Whazzup? - Yeah.

↓

Doug... Okay, settle an argument.

argument doug settle

↓

You and your brother aren't related, right?

brother related

↓

'Cause you look totally different.

↓

He's adopted.

adopted

↓

We all suspect from a very lame family.

family lame suspect

↓

Where is he tonight?

tonight

↓

Probably at home with those lame tools he hangs out with. I don't know.

hangs home lame tools

↓

You know how Tom Cruise is always pissed off at Rain Man?

cruise pissed rain

↓

That's like my life, except Brad is really shitty at math.

brad except life math shitty

↓

Your brother's kind of a dick.

brothers dick

↓

Well, yeah,

↓

he kind of is, isn't he?

↓

Don't listen to that.

↓

I don't give a f***.

↓

Dude, Eric is the funniest IM-er.

eric funniest

↓

Oh, f***.

↓

Hey, guys. It's so funny seeing you here.

funny seeing

↓

How are you? Guess what, I don't care.

care

↓

We just closed our third high school operation.

closed operation school third

↓

And check what we found at Kennedy.

check found kennedy

↓

Looks like we're going to have to do your job for you.

↓

Your drugs is spreading to different schools now, sucker.

drugs schools spreading sucker

↓

You failed to stop the outbreak, and you have no leads!

failed leads outbreak

↓

We are running out of time!

running

↓

You either find the supplier,

supplier

↓

or I'm gonna jump your asses off Jump Street!

asses jump jump-street street

↓

I totally understand where you're coming from, sir,

coming

↓

but, look, I heard Eric talking on the phone yesterday

eric heard phone yesterday

↓

with somebody that sounded very suspect

somebody sounded suspect

↓

about meeting up with a stuffed piñata.

meeting stuffed

↓

Is that a code for sex?

code

↓

- Piñata? Really? - Yep.

↓

Remember that wiretap I put on Eric's phone?

erics phone remember

↓

While you were having the time of your life last night, I was listening.

having life listening night

↓

I overheard a phone call between Eric and some dude about a piñata.

eric overheard phone

↓

That's all you heard?

heard

↓

Yep.

↓

I am so nervous.

nervous

↓

We are about to premiere in front of the whole school.

front premiere school whole whole-school

↓

I apologize in advance if I throw up on you onstage.

advance apologize onstage throw

↓

Serious question, though.

question serious

↓

How do I look?

↓

Ravishing.

↓

Is it too sexy of an outfit?

outfit sexy

↓

Bend the knee a little bit.

bend knee

↓

Yep, it is.

↓

It's going to be so much easier having you onstage with me.

easier having onstage

↓

I am so happy that I met you.

happy

↓

You're, like, the only guy that I can really trust.

trust

↓

Yep. That's me.

↓

Doug.

doug

↓

Potassium nitrate.

nitrate potassium

↓

Don't hate. It's great.

hate

↓

It can act as an oxidizer.

↓

I didn't know that, but now I'm wiser.

↓

It has a crystalline structure.

structure

↓

If you can't respect that, you're a butt muncher.

butt respect

↓

It's a key ingredient in gunpowder.

gunpowder

↓

K-NO-three, don't give no grief.

grief three

↓

It can be used to make corned beef.

beef used

↓

It's also known as saltpeter.

known

↓

- Brad? - Shit.

brad

↓

Where are you going?

↓

I don't want to look like it's like I'm wearing makeup.

makeup wearing wearing-makeup

↓

- Right. - Doug! Hi.

doug

↓

Brad!

brad

↓

Whoa. What are you wearing?

wearing whoa

↓

Potassium nitrate. Thanks for noticing.

nitrate noticing potassium thanks

↓

I need to borrow you.

borrow

↓

Now's not a good time, Brad.

brad nows

↓

It's a really good time.

↓

'Cause my piñata is killing me.

killing

↓

Is that code for a sex thing?

code

↓

It's leaving the parking lot.

leaving parking

↓

Piñata?

↓

Molly,

molly

↓

I will be right back. I need to help Brad with something,

brad

↓

okay? I just need to help Brad with something real quick.

brad quick real real-quick

↓

- What? No. What? - I promise you...

promise

↓

Do you understand how soon the show is starting?

starting

↓

I swear to you I will be back in time for curtain.

curtain swear

↓

- I swear. I swear to you. - Tell me you understand how soon...

swear

↓

What? Are you kidding me?

kidding

↓

What did I say? What did I say?

↓

See? Whose wiretap is working for him now, huh?

working

↓

Shit.

↓

Fuck!

fuck

↓

You told me not to worry about the tickets!

tickets worry

↓

I thought they made us look cool.

cool

↓

- Cones, cones... - Driver's ed car.

cones drivers

↓

- I'm driving. - No, you're not.

driving

↓

- I never drive. I'm driving this time. - Fine! Drive!

drive driving

↓

- Hey, guys. - Just borrowing this for one sec.

borrowing

↓

- Sure. - Go. Go, go, go, go.

↓

Guys, hey, wait. Guys, you're not on the list.

list

↓

Hey, guys, wait! Who cares?

cares

↓

- Holy f***ing shit. - No f***ing way.

holy

↓

Those are the guys from the park.

park

↓

That's just too crazy.

crazy

↓

What do you think's in that thing?

thinks

↓

I don't know, money, drugs.

drugs money

↓

They could be a new buyer, or they could be the supplier.

buyer supplier

↓

If it's good, you'll hear from me.

↓

If it's not good, you'll hear from me about telling you how it's not good.

telling

↓

Makes sense.

makes makes-sense sense

↓

- Get the f*** out of here. - Yeah, no worries, man.

worries

↓

I'll see you guys.

↓

We definitely got to follow them and find out, though.

follow

↓

- Get down! Get down! - Get down! Get down!

↓

- What are you doing? - If they see us,

↓

just pretend like you're sucking my dick.

dick pretend sucking

↓

- What? No! - Yes. Stop.

↓

You pretend like you're sucking my dick.

dick pretend sucking

↓

No, just pretend like you're sucking my dick.

dick pretend sucking

↓

Why am I automatically blowing you?

automatically blowing

↓

'Cause you're in a f***ing Peter Pan costume!

costume peter

↓

Okay.

↓

Okay, let's go. Let's go, let's go.

↓

- Go, go, go. - Okay, fine, we'll follow them.

follow

↓

But we need to be back in 30 minutes for curtain.

curtain minutes

↓

Dude, did you just hit the teacher brake?

brake teacher

↓

Yeah, you're following too close, dude.

close following

↓

- They're going to make us. - Well, if I go too far back,

↓

it's going to look even more suspicious, so just stop.

suspicious

↓

God, just let me do my thing.

↓

I know what I'm doing.

↓

Seriously, if you do that again, I'm going to Whac-A-Mole you in the balls.

balls mole

↓

Just stay back.

↓

- I could not be more serious. - Take your foot off the brake.

brake foot serious

↓

- No. I'm not... No. - Take your foot off the brake!

brake foot

↓

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

↓

- Look what you did! - Look what you did!

↓

What the f***? You non-driving motherf***ers!

driving motherf

↓

Get the f*** out of the car!

↓

- Oh, f***. - Lock the door! Lock the door!

door lock

↓

What do I do? Go away!

↓

What are you, a f***ing Keebler Elf?

↓

Get him out of that car!

↓

- No, no! - It's f***ing ZZ Top!

↓

- No, no! No, no, no! - It's f***ing ZZ Top!

↓

Like an angry walrus!

angry walrus

↓

- I stomp the car now! - Oh, my God!

stomp

↓

- Stomp! Stomp! - Oh, shit.

stomp

↓

- Okay. Okay. - Oh, my God! Stop, dude! Go!

↓

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

↓

- Just let me drive! - Stop hitting me!

drive hitting

↓

Dude, watch out!

watch

↓

Will you stop front-seat driving? Get your hands off the wheel!

driving front front-seat hands seat wheel

↓

Man, you just hit two people back there!

↓

- You stop. I'm not... - Take your hands off. Shit!

hands

↓

- We're stuck in traffic! - Oh, shit.

stuck traffic

↓

- Shit, they're coming! They're coming! - What?

coming

↓

Oh, my God, dude.

↓

What do we do?

↓

What the... What the...

↓

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

↓

Oh, shit.

↓

- Oh, shit. - What's wrong with you? Run!

↓

I can't! I'm wearing tights!

tights wearing

↓

I got skinny jeans on! It's the same f***ing thing!

jeans skinny

↓

They're going to make us, or kill us.

kill

↓

- Porsche! Porsche! - Police! Get out of the car, douche!

douche police porsche

↓

I'm on a call here, jackass.

jackass

↓

That's right. Go to sleep, bitch. You just got head-butted, motherf***er!

bitch head motherf sleep

↓

- Go, go, go, go, go, go! - Shit.

↓

Check around for a gun or something, all right?

check

↓

Where? Where? There's no glove compartment

compartment glove

↓

in this shitty-ass car! There's golf balls and this.

balls golf golf-balls shitty

↓

- What am I supposed to do with this? - I don't know, man!

supposed

↓

I've never been in a freeway chase before!

chase freeway

↓

Watch out! It's going to explode! It's going to go!

explode watch

↓

- What happened? - I don't know.

happened

↓

- It just didn't explode. - That's weird.

explode weird

↓

Can anybody tell me where my Peter is?

anybody peter

↓

French! You're not my first choice, but I need you to go on as Peter.

choice french peter

↓

Oh, gosh. And I've been in character for months now.

character gosh months

↓

Great. Nobody cares.

cares nobody nobody-cares

↓

Come on! Another traffic jam?

another traffic

↓

I'm sorry I didn't check the traffic report

check report traffic

↓

- before we got in a car chase! - Let's go! Come on!

chase

↓

- Come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go! - Shit!

↓

- Are you texting? - No, I'm not texting!

texting

↓

- Yes, you are! You're texting! - No, I'm not!

texting

↓

Okay, almost done.

↓

"LOL."

↓

I'm driving!

driving

↓

Why do you always jump over the car like that?

jump

↓

Hi. Hi. How are you?

↓

- Hi. - God damn, you are beautiful.

↓

- Oh. Hi. - You are fine as shit.

↓

Don't worry. Someone will pick you up.

pick worry

↓

- Wow. - Hurry. Just drive.

drive hurry

↓

Wait. Pick me up?

pick

↓

- They're coming! They're coming! - I got an idea.

coming idea

↓

Why don't you text them and ask them to stop chasing us?

chasing text

↓

Oh, shit!

↓

He's got a gun!

↓

I'm going to throw this thing at him!

throw

↓

Okay, you don't have to narrate everything!

↓

- Just throw it! - Okay! Okay, okay!

throw

↓

- It's going to explode! - Oh, my God! Roll up the windows!

explode roll windows

↓

- What the f*** is that going to do? - Roll it up!

roll

↓

- I don't f***ing care! Just do it! - Oh, God!

care

↓

I really thought that one was going to explode.

explode

↓

Oh, shit!

↓

Look in the glove compartment for a gun.

compartment glove

↓

What are you talking about? We're in a pink Bug!

pink

↓

I don't care. Look in the goddamn glove compartment!

care compartment glove goddamn

↓

What the hell?

↓

- Shoot. - Oh, my God. Okay! Okay!

shoot

↓

Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun!

shoot

↓

Can't get a good shot, man! I can't get a good shot!

shot

↓

- Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. - Take the shot!

shot

↓

Take the shot! Just shoot him! Let's go!

shoot shot

↓

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

↓

- Shoot! Shoot! - Shit, shit...

shoot

↓

That's what exploded? Holy shit. That was crazy.

crazy exploded holy

↓

Why did you shoot for me?

shoot

↓

You weren't shooting, you were choking,

choking shooting

↓

- so I had to save us. - I was going to shoot.

save shoot

↓

- You always do this, every single time. - What?

single

↓

Seriously, just take me back to school, man.

school

↓

If I miss this, Molly's going to freak and she's not going to go to prom with me.

freak miss mollys prom

↓

- Are you f***ing serious right now? - f***, yes, I'm serious!

serious

↓

Can't believe you made me late. You're so selfish.

believe late selfish

↓

- I'm selfish? - Yes, you're selfish!

selfish

↓

Are you f***ing kidding me?

kidding

↓

Look at yourself!

↓

You're in too deep, man.

deep

↓

Yesterday, I found a college application on your desk!

application college desk found yesterday

↓

I don't know how long this case is going to last.

case

↓

And Eric's going to get into Berkeley, and, honestly, I can get in, too.

erics

↓

Who knows? I could ride this thing out. I could be a doctor or something.

doctor knows ride

↓

Have you lost your f***ing mind?

lost mind

↓

You screwed this investigation all up.

investigation screwed

↓

At least I know my Miranda rights, you idiot.

idiot least miranda rights

↓

You are a very silly man indeed.

indeed silly

↓

Boys, squaws, come quickly.

boys quickly

↓

Hey! Sorry! It's okay. I'm here.

↓

I know I missed the first few scenes.

missed scenes

↓

I want to thank... Give it up to French Samuels

french samuels

↓

- for ably backing me up. - Fuck you, Doug! What?

backing doug fuck

↓

I say we just roll right into this thing, huh?

roll

↓

This is my twin. We're together in...

twin

↓

Get the f*** out of here.

↓

What are you doing? Have you completely lost your mind?

completely completely-lost lost mind

↓

What is this?

↓

I don't know, but it's already more exciting.

exciting

↓

You're embarrassing me.

embarrassing

↓

It's okay. I'll make it up to you.

↓

And... Let's fly!

↓

- Such bullshit! - Get off of me!

bullshit

↓

I'm not dumb! I'm smart!

dumb smart

↓

You think I'm stupid? You're stupid!

stupid

↓

- Go, Doug! - I guess I should do something.

doug

↓

I should probably not just stand here watching.

stand watching

↓

I should take action.

action

↓

Worst best friend ever!

best best-friend friend worst

↓

Molly, I'm sorry!

molly

↓

I don't want to talk to you ever again.

↓

I'm sorry.

↓

You stupid idiot!

idiot stupid stupid-idiot

↓

- Come here! - Come on!

↓

Make fun of me behind my back and everybody laughs at me?

behind everybody fun laughs

↓

I was a loser for four years! You couldn't handle it for five minutes!

five five-minutes four four-years handle loser minutes years

↓

Have some fairy dust, motherf***er!

dust fairy fairy-dust motherf

↓

Hey, guys, no!

↓

I heard you call me Rain Man, you asshole!

asshole heard rain

↓

Principal Dadier sucks dick!

dick principal sucks

↓

You're supposed to be my friend!

friend supposed

↓

Stop! Stop it. You're expelled. Both of you are expelled.

expelled

↓

And that's the end of Act Two.

↓

Is that it? You're not going to scream at us?

scream

↓

Nope.

nope

↓

I'm gonna just fire you.

fire

↓

Moving out?

moving

↓

Yep.

↓

You know what's crazy to me

crazy

↓

is that I think that I actually thought that we were brothers.

brothers

↓

I would've tooken a bullet for you.

bullet wouldve

↓

Get in now. Both of you.

↓

Why should I?

↓

Just get in the car, man.

↓

Get in the f***ing car.

↓

Nope, not until you ask nicely.

nicely nope

↓

Please get in the car.

↓

Come on, you guys. Come on. Please. Jesus.

jesus

↓

Some messed up shit went down yesterday.

messed yesterday

↓

Yeah, after we made the exchange,

exchange

↓

our potential business partners got followed by some f***ing cops.

business cops followed partners potential

↓

That's insane, man.

insane

↓

Are you serious?

serious

↓

Okay, it's just I don't want to go to jail!

jail

↓

You know what happens to a handsome guy like me in jail?

handsome happens jail

↓

It rhymes with "grape"!

grape rhymes

↓

It rhymes with "grape."

grape rhymes

↓

I can't let that happen.

happen

↓

So I got these from my dad's gun cabinet.

cabinet dads

↓

- Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric. - Whoa. Come on. Whoa.

eric eric-eric whoa

↓

Springfield .45s, police issue. Very powerful guns.

guns issue police powerful

↓

You ever use one?

↓

- We're not really gun people, man. No. - No?

↓

A lot of things have made me wonder about you.

wonder

↓

Come on.

↓

Your taste in music.

music taste

↓

The fact that you look like a f***ing 40-year-old man.

fact

↓

Then after that shit at the play, I realized

realized

↓

there's no way you guys could be cops.

cops

↓

Yeah, I got this deal going down. The supplier's going to be there.

deal

↓

I need people I can trust.

trust

↓

All right. All right, come on.

↓

Okay, right over here, we're going to shoot these bottles.

bottles shoot

↓

- We're going to practice, okay? - Okay.

practice

↓

That was... That was actually really f***in' awesome.

awesome

↓

Beginner's luck.

luck

↓

All right.

↓

The supplier wants the deal to go down at prom.

deal prom supplier wants

↓

All right, there's going to be all these heavies there,

↓

but as long as you guys have my back...

↓

Yeah? Yeah? Shit.

↓

I always got your back.

↓

Time to get our jobs back.

jobs

↓

Let's get ready for prom.

prom ready

↓

Schmidty! Chore time!

chore

↓

Mom, we don't have time for chores right now!

chores

↓

If you stay in this house, you have time for chores!

chores house

↓

Mom!

↓

Fuck this thing.

fuck

↓

Here.

↓

It'll be quicker if I help.

itll quicker

↓

There you go.

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

Your shotgun's hanging too low.

hanging

↓

They're gonna see it.

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

Jenko...

jenko

↓

Will you go to prom with me?

prom

↓

I guess.

↓

Are we really going to take down a whole drug operation by ourselves?

drug operation whole

↓

I got some contacts that'll help us.

contacts thatll

↓

Brad, what are you doing here? You can't be here.

brad

↓

What if the principal sees you?

principal sees

↓

- This is wrong, yet so right. - What?

↓

I am so happy you're willing to get in trouble for me.

happy trouble willing

↓

You have to go. Please, don't leave me ever.

↓

Ms. Griggs, stop. Stop.

↓

- Stay! Stay. - Stop.

↓

- What? - Stay.

↓

- Go! - Okay.

↓

- Stay. - Stop. Stop.

↓

- I'm lost without you. - What?

lost

↓

Get out of me. I'm going to throw up.

throw

↓

You are so hot!

↓

All right.

↓

Hey, pumpkin head.

head pumpkin

↓

I'm very mad at you. Dance with me.

dance

↓

- Are you on that shit? - So what if I am?

↓

Look, Molly, some serious stuff is about to go down,

molly serious stuff

↓

and I don't want you to get hurt.

hurt

↓

I've already been hurt, Doug. I don't care.

care doug hurt

↓

You need to leave. You need to leave. You need to get out of here right now.

↓

Making a lot of hand gestures!

hand

↓

Okay, my name's not Doug.

doug names

↓

- It's Schmidt. - What?

schmidt

↓

- And I'm a cop. - What?

↓

Okay, and I care about you, and I don't want you to get busted,

busted care

↓

so you have to leave right now.

↓

Leave the prom right now, Molly.

molly prom

↓

- I'm serious. - Hey. Hey.

serious

↓

Penthouse now. Supplier's waiting.

penthouse waiting

↓

- What are you? - Come on. Hey, come on.

↓

- Supplier's waiting. - Is that Eric?

eric waiting

↓

- Molly, leave right now. - What are you...

molly

↓

- Just leave right now! - What is this?

↓

Mr. Walters?

walters

↓

Hey!

↓

Beautiful Brad, and his brother.

brad brother

↓

Wow. You look great.

↓

You're the supplier? You're a teacher.

supplier teacher

↓

And I was stuck on a teacher's salary, bro.

salary stuck teachers

↓

Could barely pay my alimony. What are you gonna do?

alimony barely

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

You boys are so good at this.

boys

↓

Oh, yeah, Cinnamon!

cinnamon

↓

Oh, my God, we're getting such good evidence.

evidence

↓

I stole some of that Bunsen burner crap

burner stole

↓

from the chem lab, threw in some of my Cool Deets,

cool threw

↓

and it was muy delicioso!

↓

Then one day I catch Eco Butt-munch over here

butt butt-munch catch munch

↓

smoking a J.J. behind the field house,

behind field house smoking

↓

and I'm like, "Hey, you want to make some coin?"

coin

↓

What a green penis that guy is, huh?

green penis

↓

There's my quesadilla.

↓

I hurt my hands!

hands hurt

↓

Bitch.

bitch

↓

Oh, shit.

↓

You guys look crazy scary.

crazy scary

↓

How many of you are there?

↓

A lot.

↓

Karl.

↓

Patch looks pimp, man.

patch pimp

↓

Thank you.

↓

He's gonna recognize us, man.

recognize

↓

I'm freaking out.

freaking

↓

This is Walters, he made the stuff.

stuff walters

↓

- Real pleasure to meet you. - Fuck what his name is.

fuck meet name pleasure real real-pleasure

↓

Your shit's good.

shits

↓

Thank you. That means a lot coming from you.

coming

↓

What, you having a party now?

having party

↓

Who are these two motherf***ers?

motherf

↓

Fuck!

fuck

↓

- Hey. - Hey. How's it going?

↓

Nah, nah, it's cool, man, they're my boys, so...

boys cool

↓

- Are they? - Yeah.

↓

I don't like strangers.

strangers

↓

How do you ever expect to make any new friends with that attitude?

attitude expect friends

↓

It's, like, everyone's a stranger till you give them a chance, man.

chance everyones stranger till

↓

What the f*** are you talking about?

↓

I don't even...

↓

Just f***in' around.

↓

Do your thing, man. Proceed.

proceed

↓

Hey, kid, come here.

↓

You, you look familiar.

familiar

↓

- Me? - Yeah.

↓

I was in a French fry commercial when I was a kid,

commercial french

↓

so people are like, you know, often say, "Oh, I think I know you,"

often

↓

but I don't think we've ever met before.

↓

Do I look like I eat French fries?

french french-fries fries

↓

I don't know, you look like you're in great shape,

shape

↓

but maybe you have one cheat day, like a carb blowout, you know? I don't know.

carb cheat

↓

Nah.

↓

Yeah, the theme song was, like...

song theme theme-song

↓

Come to Andrew's French Fry Emporium

french

↓

Where friendship and French fries

french french-fries friendship fries

↓

Go hand in hand

hand

↓

That's my quesadilla! Who wants a piece? Huh?

piece wants

↓

I know you're in there, Doug, or whatever your name is!

doug name

↓

You lied to me!

lied

↓

I'm gonna kill you, you stupid f***ing cop!

kill stupid

↓

Hey, you guys, she just called me a stupid f***ing cock. That's rude.

called cock rude stupid

↓

Dickhead narc motherf***er!

dickhead motherf narc

↓

Did she just say "nickhead dark motherf***er"?

dark motherf

↓

That's just racist.

racist

↓

I know these two.

↓

Your boys are cops! They're cops!

boys cops

↓

Police! Get on the ground!

ground police

↓

You get on the f***in' ground!

ground

↓

- We asked you first! - I don't give a damn!

asked

↓

You're f***ing cops?

cops

↓

But we partied together, man.

↓

You bought us Taco Bell.

bell bought taco taco-bell

↓

Eric, honestly, that was a sincere gesture.

eric gesture sincere

↓

You made me this friendship bracelet.

bracelet friendship

↓

Well, he's not really your friend. He was pretending the whole time.

friend pretending whole

↓

I'm gonna cut this the f*** off later, all right?

↓

What the f*** is going on?

↓

Shut this kid up!

↓

- Him, too. - No, no! Hey, wait!

↓

No, no, no. Listen, I'm with you guys!

↓

I didn't know these guys were cops!

cops

↓

I'm getting out of here.

↓

I f***ing hate you!

hate

↓

Get that out of my face!

face

↓

- Molly! - Oh, there you are!

molly

↓

What the f***!

↓

Drop your guns, or I'll spray her brains all over the room!

brains drop guns room spray

↓

Trying to take a hostage, some goddamn TV show shit?

goddamn hostage

↓

I don't know! I'm trying to help, all right? I've never done this shit before.

↓

Well, you're f***ing up.

↓

- Drop the guns or she's dead! - She looks dead already.

dead drop guns

↓

What? No.

↓

Jesus.

jesus

↓

Yeah, I can hear her breathing.

breathing

↓

She just passed out from the drugs. We're good.

drugs passed

↓

Drop the guns or...

drop guns

↓

All right, all right, just chill out.

chill

↓

We're gonna drop our guns.

drop guns

↓

You got to let the kids go, and no one's gonna die, okay?

kids ones

↓

Just drop the guns, and kick them over here.

drop guns kick

↓

D.B., shoot these motherf***ers.

motherf shoot

↓

Oh, come on, that's unfair! We put our guns down in good faith.

faith guns unfair

↓

You're a liar, and you're mean!

liar

↓

- That's unfair. - We're all friends here.

friends unfair

↓

Let's just relax, and we can all leave here as friends.

friends relax

↓

- Yeah, let's do that. - Y'all boys are stupid.

boys stupid yall

↓

Oh, my God, we're gonna die. We're gonna die.

↓

God damn it!

↓

Tom Hanson, DEA! On your knees!

hanson knees

↓

What the f***?

↓

- Now! - Fuck!

fuck

↓

Doug Penhall, DEA! You're under arrest!

arrest doug

↓

Guns down, all of you! Domingo, tell them!

domingo guns

↓

Put them down.

↓

Put them down.

↓

Nice! Yes!

↓

Shut the f*** up!

↓

You little dweebs just ruined a five-year investigation.

five investigation ruined

↓

We had no idea.

idea

↓

You're, like, an amazing actor, man.

actor amazing

↓

You played saxophone at my sister's wedding, man!

played saxophone sisters wedding

↓

Tough titty. I f***ed her, too.

titty tough

↓

What?

↓

You little turds.

turds

↓

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to infiltrate a gang like this?

difficult gang idea infiltrate

↓

Do you see this nose?

nose

↓

That is a fake nose.

fake nose

↓

Do you want to wear a fake nose on your f***in' head

fake head nose wear

↓

for, like, months on end? Glue and shit?

glue months

↓

Worse things in the world.

world worse

↓

We had to get f***in' tattoos on our dicks, man.

dicks tattoos

↓

Hey, actually, I just said that

↓

- to mess with you. - What?

mess

↓

Looks tough.

tough

↓

Look, we know what it's like being undercover.

undercover

↓

Metro Police, Jump Street Division.

division jump jump-street police street

↓

Come on, you guys are Jump Street?

jump jump-street street

↓

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

↓

That's funny, because we were actually Jump Street.

funny jump jump-street street

↓

- What? - Yeah. Oh, yeah.

↓

Oh, shit!

↓

- Oh, my God! - Oh, shit.

↓

Oh, my God, dude!

↓

Get them!

↓

Motherf***er!

motherf

↓

Shoot them!

shoot

↓

Fuck that.

fuck

↓

That was a gun.

↓

Somebody definitely got shot.

shot somebody

↓

All right.

↓

Here, take the money, all right? We're getting out of here.

money

↓

Did I hit anything?

↓

You were shooting at the f***in' ceiling.

ceiling shooting

↓

Doug.

doug

↓

I know sometimes I was a jerk to you

jerk sometimes

↓

when we were undercover.

undercover

↓

It's just... I didn't feel good about myself.

↓

All that stuff I wore, like the bracelets, the rings, the tight pants,

bracelets pants rings stuff tight wore

↓

was just so

↓

that people would think I'm cool.

cool

↓

The only approval

approval

↓

that I ever needed

needed

↓

was my best friend.

best best-friend friend

↓

Thanks, man.

thanks

↓

The money's gone!

gone moneys

↓

Come on, let's roll.

roll

↓

We gotta get out of here, man.

↓

Are you telling me it's on?

telling

↓

- Let's do this. - Let's make a baby.

baby

↓

- What? What are you talking about? - I don't know.

↓

I was trying to sound cool. Sorry.

cool sound

↓

That was crazy! You killed a guy!

crazy killed

↓

Oh, f***in' shit!

↓

Hey, hey, we'll lose them in the prom! Go!

lose prom

↓

Go, go, go, go!

↓

Where'd they go?

whered

↓

Molly!

molly

↓

Shit!

↓

- You want to drive? - Yeah, I do, actually.

drive

↓

Okay, cool.

cool

↓

- Nice! - Did it look cool when I did it?

cool

↓

- That's what I'm talking about! - Yeah!

↓

How you guys doing back there, huh?

↓

God, I love high school!

love school

↓

Best prom night ever!

best night prom prom-night

↓

- Shoot them! - Stay on them!

shoot

↓

I'm on them! I'm on them!

↓

Oh, good, you guys, come hang out with me back here.

hang

↓

- Oh, f***, dude. Lisa, what are you doing? - Did she pass out back there?

lisa pass

↓

Hey, you got a gun. Why don't you shoot back there?

shoot

↓

Shoot that gun, shoot that gun!

shoot

↓

All right, one second!

second

↓

Just shoot someone, you bitch!

bitch shoot

↓

Peek-a-boo!

peek

↓

Give me my money!

money

↓

Fuck that! Fuck that! No! No!

fuck

↓

I can't do this! I'm supposed to go to Berkeley!

supposed

↓

I'm gonna get the party started!

party party-started started

↓

- I'm gonna get the party started! - No! No! Lisa, no!

lisa party party-started started

↓

Hey, I'm living my dream of standing in a limo!

dream limo living standing

↓

What?

↓

- You're killing my dream! - Come in.

dream killing

↓

- What? I'm trying to party. - Down!

party

↓

Bitch!

bitch

↓

What? Fuck!

fuck

↓

I'll kill you!

kill

↓

Kill you!

kill

↓

- No! No! - Stay where you are.

↓

Go! Go, go!

↓

No! Stop!

↓

I'm not f***ing kidding! Look, I'm trying to shoot people!

kidding shoot

↓

Will you stop! Just for two seconds!

seconds

↓

You're really hot and you're really slutty and it's awesome,

awesome slutty

↓

but I got to shoot people right now!

shoot

↓

You think I'm hot?

↓

I wanna... Oh, my God!

↓

Wait, guys! Call me!

↓

Let me know where you're ending up later.

ending

↓

I'm almost out of ammo.

ammo

↓

We're f***ed.

↓

Give me my money!

money

↓

I got an idea.

idea

↓

- You still got those shotgun shells? - Yeah.

shotgun

↓

Pop Quiznos.

↓

What do you get when lithium batteries react to potassium nitrate?

batteries nitrate potassium react

↓

That would be a covalent bond, brother.

bond brother

↓

That's when two atoms, they share electrons.

atoms share

↓

You see, they both need what the other one has.

↓

That makes them stick together.

makes stick

↓

Are you saying we're covalent bonds?

bonds

↓

What? No.

↓

We're not atoms, dude.

atoms

↓

- What's this? - Tequila?

tequila

↓

I don't know, it was supposed to explode.

explode supposed

↓

Oh, shit!

↓

Where'd you learn how to do that, man?

learn whered

↓

App chemistry, bitch.

bitch chemistry

↓

Come on, blondie.

blondie

↓

Molly!

molly

↓

Drop your weapon!

drop weapon

↓

Don't you f***in' pull that arm up.

pull

↓

Don't.

↓

Looks like you're out of ammo, asshole!

ammo asshole

↓

Come on! Get out here!

↓

- What? What's going on? - All right.

↓

All right, here's the deal. Nobody moves, or she's gonna get hurt.

deal hurt moves nobody

↓

Do you understand? Nobody move!

nobody

↓

- All right. - Eric, help me.

eric

↓

Don't you have a gun?

↓

All right, don't move!

↓

- Come on, let's go. Let's go. - No!

↓

- Hey! Hey, hey! - Hey, no, no, I said don't move!

↓

- Oh, f***, you shot him! - Oh, God!

shot

↓

Are you okay?

↓

You shot my partner, you motherf***er!

motherf partner shot

↓

I didn't mean to shoot you! I meant to shoot him!

meant shoot

↓

Are you alive, buddy? You okay? You took a bullet for me, man.

alive buddy bullet

↓

Yeah, I'm feeling a little ambivalent about that right now.

feeling

↓

Didn't you hear me? I said don't move! I said that! You heard, right?

heard

↓

Eric, you heard me!

eric heard

↓

- I said don't move! - Eric, help me!

eric

↓

- You got this. - Hey, hold still.

↓

Freeze!

freeze

↓

Shoot!

shoot

↓

Come on.

↓

You peaked in high school, motherf***er.

motherf peaked school

↓

Oh, shit.

↓

I shot him in the dick.

dick shot

↓

You shot me in the dick!

dick shot

↓

Oh, my God!

↓

Yes!

↓

Yes! Yes!

↓

Yes!

↓

You are under arrest!

arrest

↓

- It definitely came out my asshole! - You have the right to remain silent!

asshole remain remain-silent silent

↓

Anything you say can and will be used against you

used

↓

in a court of law!

court

↓

You have the right to an attorney!

attorney

↓

If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you!

afford appointed attorney cannot

↓

Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?

read rights

↓

Fuck you! Bitch!

bitch fuck

↓

Yes! Yes!

↓

We did it, man!

↓

We did it.

↓

God, I feel so good.

↓

We did it, man!

↓

You're a goddamn rock star.

goddamn rock rock-star star

↓

Do you feel that?

↓

God damn, you're so cool.

cool

↓

You just shot him in the dick.

dick shot

↓

I've never seen that. Who does that?

seen

↓

Look, I'm sorry I called you Rain Man.

called rain

↓

I know I didn't say you were, but you're smart.

smart

↓

You're a smart guy, and you're thoughtful,

smart thoughtful

↓

and you're sincere and you're sweet and you're loyal...

loyal sincere sweet

↓

And I f***in' cherish you.

cherish

↓

Should we high-five?

five

↓

My hand!

hand

↓

Are you all right? Should we get you to the hospital, man?

hospital

↓

- Yeah, I think we need to call somebody. - Hey, call somebody!

somebody

↓

I got to get my dick sewn back on.

dick

↓

- You shut the f*** up. - Hey, you shut up.

↓

- That's not funny. - Is that it?

funny

↓

What?

↓

That's my dick!

dick

↓

Pick up my dick! Please!

dick pick

↓

No, we're not picking up your dick.

dick picking

↓

Fuckin' pick my dick up!

dick fuckin pick

↓

Oh, f***!

↓

He's my friend.

friend

↓

They don't serve vegan in jail, bitch.

bitch jail serve vegan

↓

Hey.

↓

Molly...

molly

↓

I'm really sorry.

↓

I know you wanted a guy to trust, and I wanted to be that person so badly.

badly person trust wanted

↓

And I let you down in a lot of ways.

ways

↓

And...

↓

It's good that you're mad at me.

↓

I think it's good. I think you should be mad at more guys,

↓

because you deserve a guy who's good and who doesn't lie to you.

deserve

↓

And you should never settle for less than that.

less settle

↓

There are good guys out there

↓

who aren't assholes like me.

assholes

↓

Thanks for saving my life,

life saving thanks

↓

asshole.

asshole

↓

Put her there, partner.

partner

↓

I'll come back later.

↓

We're, like, in the end of Die Hard right now, but it's our actual life.

actual hard life

↓

It's crazy.

crazy

↓

- Number one or two? - Three.

number three

↓

- Sam Jackson one. Yeah! - Sam Jackson style.

jackson style

↓

Boom, motherf***ers! What's going on? Come on!

boom motherf

↓

Where is he? There's my guy!

↓

There he is! That's him. That's him.

↓

- Enough. - Too long on the hug.

↓

Congratulations, you crazy, sick, vigilante motherf***ers.

congratulations crazy motherf sick

↓

You got your first arrest, huh?

arrest

↓

- Look. Got something made for you. - You didn't!

↓

- Come on. All right, all right. - Enough. Enough.

↓

New assignment.

assignment

↓

Since you two cowboys love to drink booze,

booze cowboys drink love

↓

smoke weed with kids, and f*** anything with a big ass in jeans

jeans kids smoke smoke-weed weed

↓

with low self-esteem,

esteem self self-esteem

↓

I'm gonna send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.

allowed place send

↓

Oh, I love Disneyland!

disneyland love

↓

You two sons of bitches are going to college!

bitches college sons

↓

- Yes! - No!

↓

Boo-yah!

↓

Oh, my God! You're like two Hardy Boys in one!

boys hardy

↓

Oh, f***!

↓

Hey, why are you here, Scott?

scott

↓

What, Kennedy High isn't having any parties tonight?

having kennedy parties tonight