Home » Tom Segura: Teacher (2025) » S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)

Season 1, Episode 1 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)

[street noises rise slowly]

#1

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[crowd cheering faintly]

#2

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[announcer] Milwaukee, please welcome Tom Segura.

#3

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-[crowd cheers] -[elevator dings]

#4

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["Time 4 Sum Aksion" by Redman plays]

#5

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♪ Time, time for some Time for some action ♪

#6

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♪ Time, time for some Time for some action ♪

#7

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♪ Time, time for some Time for some action ♪

#8

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♪ Time, time for some Time for some action ♪

#9

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♪ Time, time for some Time for some action ♪

#10

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♪ Time, time for some Time for some action… ♪

#11

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♪ Let's get ready to rumble ♪

#12

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♪ In this corner we have The funk bodysnatcher ♪

#13

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♪ P-Funkadelic and I gat ya Hard enough that I can… ♪

#14

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All right, thank you very much!

#15

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-[song fades] -[crowd whoops]

#16

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Thank you.

#17

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You guys are amazing, thanks.

#18

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Yeah, I love you too.

#19

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You're so well-behaved.

#20

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-That's great. -[crowd laughs]

#21

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It's not always like this. You know that, right? We, uh…

#22

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We had a fight in the front row last week at a show.

#23

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Yeah, and you fucking notice when it's in the front row.

#24

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-[laughter] -You notice.

#25

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And, um… you know, normally, we try to put that out pretty quickly,

#26

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but the, uh, the guy that started the fight was just so old.

#27

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-Uh… -[crowd laughs]

#28

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When security descended upon him,

#29

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I was just like, "Wait."

#30

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You know?

#31

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Like, "Let him do it," you know.

#32

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[crowd laughs]

#33

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It's probably his last fight, you know.

#34

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I'm sure it was. He was very old, and he was punching another guy,

#35

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but he was… you know, he was making, like, old sounds

#36

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as he was like… "Bughh…" Like, it was…

#37

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[crowd laughing]

#38

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Even the guy getting hit was like, "I don't give a shit." Like…

#39

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"I don't feel this." And then…

#40

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Then the older guy, he just kind of tuckered out, you know. He was, "Aww…"

#41

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And he just… He just kind of faded.

#42

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And then as security was escorting him up the aisle, I looked and I was like,

#43

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"Oh, I think that's a woman."

#44

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-Um… [chuckles] -[crowd laughing]

#45

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It was the hair.

#46

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You know how women will sometimes hit a certain age

#47

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where they don't want you to try to fuck them anymore, and…

#48

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the hair goes first, you know. They just go… [buzzing]

#49

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Then we all go, "Oh yeah. Don't try to touch her. I got it."

#50

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This goes… [whooshes]

#51

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The vagina closes, the hair goes,

#52

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and we all go, "She's off-limits." So…

#53

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Whoever it was, rest in peace.

#54

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-Um… -[crowd laughs]

#55

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I, uh… [chuckles]

#56

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I just got back from my favorite place. I was in Italy, which I absolutely love.

#57

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-[crowd cheering] -Yeah… it's the greatest.

#58

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It is the greatest. And…

#59

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My phone knows that I love Italy,

#60

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just like our phones know everything about us now.

#61

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It was fun, I think about a decade ago, when we would like kind of debate,

#62

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"Wouldn't it be crazy if this thing was listening to everything we said?"

#63

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And then now we're like, "Oh yeah, this records everything."

#64

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[crowd laughs]

#65

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Everything I say, text, think, it's just there.

#66

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Unless you're one of these people who happens to believe, you're like,

#67

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"Oh yeah, you know, I was having a conversation with someone

#68

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about a bread basket from Croatia in the 1700s,

#69

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and then I opened my Gmail, and it was like,

#70

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'You looking for a Croatian bread basket?'"

#71

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[crowd laughs]

#72

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You're like, "Isn't that a wild coincidence?" Well, yeah.

#73

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I talk about Italy all the time, and every time I open my phone,

#74

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social media is just Italy.

#75

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It's Italian landscapes, Italian recipes,

#76

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Italian women's feet,

#77

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and I go "like, like, like," right?

#78

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[crowd laughs]

#79

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But whenever I see landscape shots of Italy,

#80

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there's always a guy on a Vespa, you know?

#81

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Those little scooters, and they're zipping around,

#82

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and they're dreaming of marinara, or whatever they do.

#83

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[crowd laughs]

#84

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[vrooming] Yeah.

#85

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And whenever I see a guy on a Vespa,

#86

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internally to myself, I go,

#87

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"That's gay." Right?

#88

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[crowd laughing]

#89

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But when you're there and you see one,

#90

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you're like, "No one will know, right?"

#91

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[crowd laughing]

#92

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So I rented one, and…

#93

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[crowd laughing]

#94

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It was the single most joyful experience of my entire life,

#95

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including the birth of my children. It was fucking amazing.

#96

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I was making up reasons to take that thing out.

#97

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I was just like, "We don't have any butternut squash. I gotta go."

#98

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Couple days into it, I started making up a narrative in my head.

#99

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I was like, "This is the same as a Harley. This is the same shit."

#100

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This is my hog. [vrooms]

#101

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[crowd laughs]

#102

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Another day went by, I was like, "I am getting one of these…

#103

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as soon as I get back."

#104

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I started shopping online. "Do I want a blue one? Yeah."

#105

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"Do I want a basket? Fuck yeah, I want a basket on that."

#106

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And then I got back to the US of A, and within moments, I was like,

#107

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"Oh, there's not a fucking chance." Like…

#108

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[crowd laughs]

#109

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"I'll get beat to death at a red light… in one of these,"

#110

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and that's when you realize that Vespas are the pickleball of the motorbike world.

#111

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They are…

#112

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[crowd laughs and applauds]

#113

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They just are.

#114

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[cheers and applause]

#115

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Yeah!

#116

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It is simply a substitute for the real thing.

#117

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Just say you suck at tennis, you fucking cuck. Like…

#118

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Nobody wants to hear that you're excelling at a make-believe sport.

#119

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Now… "No, but it's so social."

#120

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[mock babbling]

#121

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[crowd laughs]

#122

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"Anyone can do it." That's why you do it. You're soft. Now…

#123

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I did something very, very fun recently.

#124

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I got to fly with the Blue Angels.

#125

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I don't know if you know what that is.

#126

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-[cheering] -Oh, wow.

#127

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Wow!

#128

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For those of you that don't know, that is the US Navy's aerial show program.

#129

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They put on shows all over our country that are unbelievable.

#130

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These are elite fighter pilots

#131

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that are flying in fighter jets 18 inches apart,

#132

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and they do these wild, acrobatic stunts.

#133

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And I went to the show, and it was amazing.

#134

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Then afterwards, I met one of the organizers,

#135

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and very casually, I was like, "Yeah, I wish I could go up in one of those."

#136

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They were like, "Yeah, you can."

#137

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And I go, "What the fuck, really?"

#138

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[crowd laughs]

#139

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They go, "Yeah, if you come to Pensacola, Florida."

#140

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And I was like, "Ugh!"

#141

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[crowd laughing]

#142

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"Okay." So…

#143

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I went. I went to Florida.

#144

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I went to the base, and I met one of the pilots.

#145

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This dude looked like he was designed in a lab,

#146

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and then AI just shit him out, okay?

#147

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This is one of the most beautiful men… I think about this guy every day, okay?

#148

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[crowd laughs]

#149

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My last thought before I go to bed at night

#150

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is his jawline, and then I go,

#151

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"Hmm… mm," then I fall asleep.

#152

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So I walk up to him, I go, "Hey, I'm Tom."

#153

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And he goes, "I'm Seven."

#154

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Whatever you say, Daddy. Uh…

#155

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[crowd laughing]

#156

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If you're a seven, I'd hate to meet a ten, you know what I mean?

#157

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So Seven tells me, "We're gonna do some wild stuff up there."

#158

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"So don't eat a lot, because if you eat a lot,

#159

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you will definitely throw up."

#160

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And I go, "Oh, wow, what if I throw up?"

#161

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He goes, "I'll give you a little baggie, and you can puke in that."

#162

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I go, "Thanks, dog."

#163

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"What if I shit?"

#164

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And he goes, "People don't shit."

#165

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[crowd laughing]

#166

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You don't know who you're talking to right now, do you?

#167

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We went up for 45 minutes.

#168

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We flew vertically, we did barrel rolls, we flew Mach 1.2,

#169

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we pulled seven and a half Gs.

#170

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It was the most thrilling 45 minutes of my entire life.

#171

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But when I got back, I realized something.

#172

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I realized that we are the only country on Earth

#173

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where when you see a fleet of fighter jets approaching,

#174

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you know something cool is gonna happen.

#175

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[crowd laughing]

#176

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It's just us.

#177

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[cheers and applause]

#178

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Right? Like…

#179

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Dude, we send them to the Daytona 500

#180

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to kick shit off,

#181

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so that every asshole there can go…

#182

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[chuckling] "Look at that."

#183

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"That's fucking cool."

#184

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You're like, "Yeah, here."

#185

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But if you're in the Hindu Kush province of Afghanistan,

#186

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and you see seven F-22s,

#187

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you're not like, "Oh, yeah, today's the race."

#188

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[crowd laughing]

#189

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You know, you just go… [grunts]

#190

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And that's it. That's the last fucking sound you ever make

#191

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before you hear… [puffs]

#192

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And then… there goes your mom's village.

#193

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All right, so…

#194

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[chants] USA…

#195

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Now…

#196

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[scattered whooping]

#197

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Well, sure.

#198

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-[cheering] -Why not?

#199

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You know, I didn't puke, and I didn't shit, but…

#200

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when I was in Houston about a month ago, I sharted.

#201

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Here's what happened.

#202

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[crowd laughs]

#203

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If you were gonna make a list of the best places to shart,

#204

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and I don't know why you would, but if you did,

#205

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number one is the bathroom.

#206

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And that's where I was.

#207

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I was in a public restroom, and I was at the urinal.

#208

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[crowd laughs]

#209

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I was just enjoying a delightful afternoon pee, you know?

#210

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Like a 90-second one, you know,

#211

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where your mind just kind of goes.

#212

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Stream of consciousness takes over.

#213

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You're just lost, and like,

#214

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"Are birds real, or are they honing devices? I don't know."

#215

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"Jesus, how big were Aretha Franklin's tits," you know?

#216

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You ever think about that? Everyone talks about Dolly Parton's tits.

#217

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Did you ever look at Aretha Franklin's tits?

#218

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It looked like she was nursing seal pups.

#219

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It's insane.

#220

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If she couldn't sing, she'd be serving lunch.

#221

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You know what I mean? Those are some tits.

#222

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So…

#223

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[chuckles quietly]

#224

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[crowd laughs]

#225

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I'm pissing… and it's great.

#226

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My wife always gives me shit, by the way.

#227

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She's like, "You enjoy your bodily functions so much."

#228

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I'm like, "Just let me live my life."

#229

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I mean, I do like peeing. I like sneezing more.

#230

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If you don't enjoy an open-air, reckless, violent sneeze,

#231

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you're a fucking communist, okay?

#232

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-[cheering] -It's the best.

#233

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Yeah, you know what I mean? No one's around, you go…

#234

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[loud babbling] One of those, and you're like, "What the fuck?"

#235

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"Don't talk to me."

#236

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I love it. Coming's the best, obviously.

#237

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I'm not gonna argue that point.

#238

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So, I go, coming, sneezing, nice pee, emergency shit, um…

#239

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I really like stretching in bed right after I wake up,

#240

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and then it sends you back to sleep, 'cause it feels like fentanyl.

#241

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I don't know. I like it.

#242

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I like sitting on the couch on a Sunday

#243

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and just a nice pinch and roll on my beanbag, you know? Just…

#244

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[crowd laughs]

#245

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[man whoops]

#246

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-[scattered whistling] -[Tom sighs]

#247

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"This is free? This is crazy."

#248

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[crowd laughing]

#249

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"I wish it were Seven's hand, but this feels good, you know?"

#250

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A lot of ladies get jealous about that, and honestly, you shouldn't.

#251

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I've seen what you have there, and there's plenty to pull,

#252

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so you could also just…

#253

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[crowd laughs]

#254

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Tug on that taffy bag and see where it takes you.

#255

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[crowd laughs]

#256

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[Tom sighs]

#257

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Yeah, and don't you dare get insecure, okay?

#258

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You ladies do that to each other. We never care.

#259

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It could have teeth, and we try to get in there. We don't care.

#260

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All I'm saying is, ladies, I want you to leave here tonight

#261

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knowing that you all have beautiful pussies, okay?

#262

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Yeah, sure.

#263

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[cheers rise]

#264

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Oh yeah, absolutely.

#265

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So I'm peeing, right?

#266

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Um…

#267

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And as I'm peeing, I feel something, you know, in the chamber.

#268

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And I'm polite, so I do the polite thing.

#269

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I… hmm… mmm…

#270

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look around, and there's nobody in there.

#271

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So I tell myself, "It's okay, buddy."

#272

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"Why don't you give it a push?"

#273

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And I did,

#274

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and there was no sound.

#275

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None.

#276

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But there was movement.

#277

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So now I have to check.

#278

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Do you know how you have to check?

#279

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You have to take your pants all the way down.

#280

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Like a fucking toddler. I was like…

#281

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So now I'm just Winnie the Pooh-ing it in a T-shirt. Like…

#282

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"Hi."

#283

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"Hello."

#284

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My little dick's hanging out.

#285

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"Hello."

#286

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Then I look into my boxers, and I'm like, "Yep, I'm throwing those out."

#287

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And then I clean up, and then I leave the restroom.

#288

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All my friends are waiting outside, and I tell them what happened.

#289

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They're like, "I don't wanna know." And I go, "I'm telling you."

#290

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And they go, "Well, stop." I go, "I'm not. You already know now."

#291

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And in that exchange, something clicked.

#292

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I put it together.

#293

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I didn't shart.

#294

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I had simply shit my pants.

#295

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[crowd laughing]

#296

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Yeah.

#297

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I mean…

#298

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[scattered clapping]

#299

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That's an important distinction, right?

#300

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A shart would imply that I had farted,

#301

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and that there were some DVD extras in there.

#302

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I took a shit with my pants on.

#303

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[crowd laughing]

#304

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It would be no different than if I were standing here like,

#305

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"I think I'm gonna take a shit right now."

#306

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And then I just kept talking.

#307

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So, it's fucked with my confidence, but I'm back, baby.

#308

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I am fucking back. Yes.

#309

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[loud cheers and applause]

#310

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Thank you.

#311

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Also, let me tell you something.

#312

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This is my sixth hour special,

#313

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and I'm very, very grateful that I have this opportunity.

#314

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Yeah.

#315

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[crowd cheering and whooping]

#316

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I tell people a lot, and it's true,

#317

⇓

that I really didn't think this was in the cards for me.

#318

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I didn't think about this ever when I started out in entertainment.

#319

⇓

I really thought the highlight of my career

#320

⇓

was many, many years ago

#321

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when I booked the international campaign to be the spokesman for Subway.

#322

⇓

Now… that's a real thing.

#323

⇓

That really happened to me. It took ten auditions.

#324

⇓

And when I got the call that I had booked this job,

#325

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I had the same thought that many of you are probably having right now,

#326

⇓

which is, what about Jared, you know?

#327

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#328

⇓

Jared, the now former spokesman,

#329

⇓

was really prominent in advertising at this time.

#330

⇓

So when I got the call that I was the new spokesman,

#331

⇓

I asked them. I was like, "Wait, am I replacing Jared?"

#332

⇓

And they were like, "Fuck no."

#333

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#334

⇓

See, if you don't know this man's story, he used to weigh 500 pounds,

#335

⇓

and he would go to his local Subway,

#336

⇓

and he would order a six-inch turkey sub,

#337

⇓

and he'd go on long walks.

#338

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And over the course of several years, he lost nearly 300 pounds.

#339

⇓

Well, Subway did a one-time commercial that was so successful,

#340

⇓

they named him the permanent spokesman.

#341

⇓

But the problem was…

#342

⇓

[crowd laughs lightly]

#343

⇓

They could only use Jared to promote their healthy subs.

#344

⇓

And they needed someone…

#345

⇓

that looked like they could shit standing up, right?

#346

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#347

⇓

That's where your boy came in.

#348

⇓

I was like, "Wait a minute, Jared's gonna say,

#349

⇓

'Eat the turkey sub and the veggie sub.'" "What am I gonna say?"

#350

⇓

They're like, "You're gonna say, 'Don't forget we have a meatball sub too.'"

#351

⇓

I was like, "Okay, I can do that."

#352

⇓

But my next question was more relevant.

#353

⇓

I was like, "Wait, Jared plays himself. He's Jared."

#354

⇓

"Am I playing Tom, the comedian, in these commercials?"

#355

⇓

And they were like, "No, Jared will remain Jared."

#356

⇓

"You, Tom, are gonna play his derelict brother

#357

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who's a mess and eats like a fucking raccoon."

#358

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#359

⇓

I was like, "Okay, I can do that."

#360

⇓

I go, "I'm a character." They go, "Yes, you're a character."

#361

⇓

I go, "Great, what's my name?"

#362

⇓

And they go, "Jerome."

#363

⇓

I took a beat and I go, "That's a Black guy's name."

#364

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#365

⇓

And I'll never forget the chief marketing officer of Subway

#366

⇓

looked me dead in my face, and he goes,

#367

⇓

"Anybody can be named Jerome."

#368

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#369

⇓

I go, "Yeah, anybody can be named Tanner."

#370

⇓

"That's a fucking white guy's name, isn't it?"

#371

⇓

He goes, "We'll take your concerns back to the board."

#372

⇓

Two weeks later, I am in New York City and I'm doing a wardrobe fitting

#373

⇓

to start shooting the commercials.

#374

⇓

This guy walks into my dressing room and he goes,

#375

⇓

"Hey, everybody agreed with your name issue."

#376

⇓

And I go…

#377

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#378

⇓

"No shit."

#379

⇓

"What's the new name? Jeff, Jason?"

#380

⇓

He goes, "Jermaine."

#381

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#382

⇓

I go, "That is way Blacker."

#383

⇓

"Am I wearing gold fronts in these commercials?"

#384

⇓

He goes, "It's settled."

#385

⇓

I go, "Okay."

#386

⇓

And then we shot commercials, you guys. We shot a bunch of commercials.

#387

⇓

Then we went on hiatus

#388

⇓

and we were gonna shoot six more commercials

#389

⇓

to launch this massive campaign.

#390

⇓

Well, the marketing guy resigned.

#391

⇓

A new guy came in, and he killed the ads.

#392

⇓

So I got the call. They go, "It's over. These are never gonna air."

#393

⇓

"You don't get the contract. This is not happening."

#394

⇓

And I got so depressed.

#395

⇓

I was like, "This was my big shot. It slipped through my fingers."

#396

⇓

"I'm never gonna have another opportunity like this again."

#397

⇓

I just couldn't see the light.

#398

⇓

And then…

#399

⇓

[light laughter rises]

#400

⇓

About ten years went by.

#401

⇓

And one day I turned on the television, and our old buddy Jared

#402

⇓

was on TV too.

#403

⇓

Only it wasn't a Subway commercial.

#404

⇓

It was the evening news.

#405

⇓

And they were reporting that Jared was being sentenced

#406

⇓

to 19 years in prison for child pornography.

#407

⇓

I dropped to my knees. "Thank you, Jesus."

#408

⇓

"Thank you for taking that away. I'm sorry I ever doubted you."

#409

⇓

"I will never do it again."

#410

⇓

Because if that campaign had aired,

#411

⇓

it would have been ten years

#412

⇓

of us doing commercials together, being on billboards together,

#413

⇓

doing public appearances together.

#414

⇓

And the day that awful news dropped about him,

#415

⇓

all of you would have seen me on the street

#416

⇓

and been like, "Hey, Jermaine!"

#417

⇓

[crowd laughing loudly]

#418

⇓

I'd be like, "What? I'm Tom."

#419

⇓

And you'd go, "Shut up, you Black piece of shit."

#420

⇓

-[stifling chuckle] -[crowd laughing]

#421

⇓

[exclaims]

#422

⇓

And you'd go, "You fucking knew!"

#423

⇓

"You fucking knew!"

#424

⇓

I'd go, "I don't know anything. I don't know what to say."

#425

⇓

"Eat fresh. I'm sorry." So…

#426

⇓

I'm glad this worked out. This is way more fun.

#427

⇓

So thank you for being here, and…

#428

⇓

[loud cheers and applause]

#429

⇓

Yeah…

#430

⇓

I do still have his phone number, if you're wondering.

#431

⇓

I did try sending him a link one time…

#432

⇓

to adult porn.

#433

⇓

Because I thought he wouldn't like it, but…

#434

⇓

[Tom chuckling]

#435

⇓

Hey, did you guys know… did you know, that in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba,

#436

⇓

at the naval prison that houses some of the most dangerous men on earth

#437

⇓

and also other people… who have never done anything.

#438

⇓

Did you know…

#439

⇓

Look it up.

#440

⇓

Did you know

#441

⇓

that the guards there are specially trained?

#442

⇓

Now, I know this because I went there.

#443

⇓

I went to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, to do shows for fucking us.

#444

⇓

Yeah, for the troops.

#445

⇓

They weren't like, "Here's the 9/11 planners."

#446

⇓

"Why don't you give them a giggle?"

#447

⇓

That'd be insane if they're like,

#448

⇓

"Get in there and you make Khalid Sheikh Mohammed laugh."

#449

⇓

And I'm like, "What the fuck?"

#450

⇓

[crowd laughing]

#451

⇓

[pops lips]

#452

⇓

He's like, "Ha, ha, ha. I like. He's a funny guy."

#453

⇓

So when you go to GITMO, you don't just buy a ticket, right?

#454

⇓

You fly to Florida,

#455

⇓

and a military plane picks you up and they take you to the base,

#456

⇓

and you're greeted by high-ranking naval officers, and they're pretty formal.

#457

⇓

They go, "Thank you for coming. We're excited for your show."

#458

⇓

"We'll put you in the housing unit. Let us know if you need anything."

#459

⇓

You go, "Thanks very much."

#460

⇓

And then they pass you off to some Marines who are a little different.

#461

⇓

And then first thing these guys said to me, they go,

#462

⇓

"You want to see some shit?"

#463

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#464

⇓

I go, "Yeah, fuck yeah, of course, yes."

#465

⇓

So these guys put me in a Jeep, and they took me to a hilltop.

#466

⇓

They're like, "You shouldn't be up here. It's classified."

#467

⇓

I go, "You just fucking drove me here."

#468

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#469

⇓

They're like, "All right, good point."

#470

⇓

They point to this white building. They go, "That's level four."

#471

⇓

"That's what you see on the news." I go, "Wow."

#472

⇓

Then they tell me this fascinating insight.

#473

⇓

They tell me that the guards there are specially trained.

#474

⇓

So I assume they're talking about Navy SEALs.

#475

⇓

They go, "No, they're trained for their demeanor,

#476

⇓

how they carry themselves."

#477

⇓

"What do you mean?"

#478

⇓

They said, "The prisoners often protest their imprisonment

#479

⇓

by throwing their feces and their urine in the guards' faces."

#480

⇓

And the guards are not allowed to retaliate.

#481

⇓

They're only allowed to say two things back to the prisoner when that happens.

#482

⇓

They're allowed to say, "Are you hungry?"

#483

⇓

Or, "Are you thirsty?"

#484

⇓

That's it.

#485

⇓

And if the… [chuckles]

#486

⇓

If the guard…

#487

⇓

[stifling chuckle]

#488

⇓

It's funny when you think about it.

#489

⇓

If the guard does retaliate,

#490

⇓

the guard can be court-martialed,

#491

⇓

meaning you can go to prison

#492

⇓

for retaliating against someone

#493

⇓

who threw shit and piss in your face.

#494

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#495

⇓

This is what it's like to be the father of a six-year-old boy.

#496

⇓

-My son… -[crowd laughs]

#497

⇓

Yeah, that's called an A1 setup.

#498

⇓

That's why I'm a big-time comedian.

#499

⇓

Sure.

#500

⇓

[cheers and applause]

#501

⇓

I have two sons. They're both kind of dicks, but…

#502

⇓

The six-year-old, I walk into my house a couple weeks ago, he goes, "Hey, man."

#503

⇓

He goes, "Pick me up."

#504

⇓

I go, "Pick you up?" He goes, "Hold me."

#505

⇓

He hasn't asked me to hold him in like a year.

#506

⇓

I go, "You want me to hold you?" He goes, "Yeah, pick me up."

#507

⇓

All right, so I pick him up.

#508

⇓

I'm looking at my baby boy. "You just want Dad to hold you?"

#509

⇓

He goes, "It feels good, man."

#510

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#511

⇓

I go, "I like it too, buddy."

#512

⇓

And then a moment later,

#513

⇓

I feel a hot,

#514

⇓

piercing, spreading sensation

#515

⇓

on my midsection.

#516

⇓

I go, "Are you peeing on me?"

#517

⇓

And he goes, "Yeah."

#518

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#519

⇓

I wanted to hit him so bad.

#520

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#521

⇓

Like really hit him too, you know? Like…

#522

⇓

Like…

#523

⇓

knock his fucking teeth out of his mouth.

#524

⇓

But I didn't.

#525

⇓

I dropped him.

#526

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#527

⇓

I go, "You hungry?"

#528

⇓

"You thirsty?"

#529

⇓

"Is that why you did that?"

#530

⇓

[loud cheers and laughter]

#531

⇓

This kid is insane.

#532

⇓

I mean, he hates his real name.

#533

⇓

And this is something that came about a few years ago.

#534

⇓

And when it first happened, I got kind of nervous.

#535

⇓

I did what you do in those situations.

#536

⇓

I asked other parents, and they were like, "It's just a phase."

#537

⇓

I go, "What?" "It's a little phase."

#538

⇓

"He's going through a phase."

#539

⇓

"A lot of kids don't like their names. It'll end in a little bit."

#540

⇓

I was like, "It's a phase? Do you know how long it's been? About three years."

#541

⇓

That isn't so much a phase in my opinion as a new path.

#542

⇓

That's where I think we are.

#543

⇓

His birth name is Julian. That's what we've always called him.

#544

⇓

And that's what he used to respond to

#545

⇓

because it's his fucking name, right?

#546

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#547

⇓

He would also respond to variations of it.

#548

⇓

Julian, Juju, Jujito,

#549

⇓

Julian.

#550

⇓

And he'd be like, "Mm-hmm."

#551

⇓

And then one day, about three years ago, I was like, "Hey, Julian."

#552

⇓

He was like, "Don't ever call me that. I hate that name."

#553

⇓

"When you say that name, I want to die."

#554

⇓

And I'm like, "Oh my God, okay."

#555

⇓

So now this kid will only talk to us

#556

⇓

if we call him by his self-imposed name,

#557

⇓

which, buckle up…

#558

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#559

⇓

…is "Teacher."

#560

⇓

[crowd laughing]

#561

⇓

Is there a creepier name…

#562

⇓

to use when addressing a small child?

#563

⇓

Like, "Hello, my teacher."

#564

⇓

Is this The Shining? Because it feels like it.

#565

⇓

It feels like Jordan Peele's next movie.

#566

⇓

Like a fucking kid from the woods that walks into town

#567

⇓

to follow Teacher and live long.

#568

⇓

And you're like, "Okay."

#569

⇓

You get it, right?

#570

⇓

I walk into my own house, and I go, "Is Teacher here?"

#571

⇓

And he goes, "Yes."

#572

⇓

And I go, "Hello, sir."

#573

⇓

And people have the balls to ask me. They're like, "Are you worried?"

#574

⇓

Of course I'm fucking worried.

#575

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#576

⇓

The only other person I know that went by "Teacher" is Charles Manson.

#577

⇓

So yeah, I'm worried.

#578

⇓

He was a substitute teacher. Now…

#579

⇓

His older brother, he likes math.

#580

⇓

He likes video games. He's an interesting kid.

#581

⇓

He also has the voice of somebody who gargles with butane.

#582

⇓

I don't know what is happening.

#583

⇓

He's nine years old. He's like, "What's up, bro?"

#584

⇓

I go, "Hey."

#585

⇓

"How's working in the mines? Is that fun?"

#586

⇓

He's also bananas. If I say, "Let's go out," he's like, "All right."

#587

⇓

He'll come in the living room wearing rain boots, tighty whities, and goggles.

#588

⇓

And I'm like, "Are you on shrooms right now?"

#589

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#590

⇓

"The only place you can wear that is a gay parade, and…"

#591

⇓

"No, it's cool if you are, but there isn't one today."

#592

⇓

"So put some fucking clothes on, okay?"

#593

⇓

We took these two future subjects of America's Most Wanted…

#594

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#595

⇓

Believe me, the Menendez brothers don't have shit

#596

⇓

on the Segura brothers, okay?

#597

⇓

We took these little sociopaths to visit my sister last Thanksgiving in Florida.

#598

⇓

And on Thanksgiving Day, we did what a lot of families down there do.

#599

⇓

We just went on a family walk, like a nice casual stroll.

#600

⇓

And on this family walk, we ended up at a little pond.

#601

⇓

And at the pond, there were other families feeding bread to ducks.

#602

⇓

It looked like a painting.

#603

⇓

And I remember, as we approached, thinking to myself,

#604

⇓

"I wonder how my boys will ruin this."

#605

⇓

-Right? -[crowd laughs]

#606

⇓

So we walk up, and this guy sees me.

#607

⇓

He goes, "Hey, man, you want some bread?"

#608

⇓

I go, "Yeah, thanks, dude."

#609

⇓

And then I turn to fucking Teacher.

#610

⇓

[crowd laughing]

#611

⇓

[cheers and applause rising]

#612

⇓

I go, "Hey, Teach."

#613

⇓

"Bread?" And he goes, "Give me that."

#614

⇓

He's just throwing it as hard as he can. I'm like, "All right."

#615

⇓

Then I turned to his brother. "Here you go."

#616

⇓

He goes, "I don't want that."

#617

⇓

I go, "What?" He goes, "I don't need that."

#618

⇓

Happy Thanksgiving.

#619

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#620

⇓

And then he just walks up to the edge of the water,

#621

⇓

and he grabs a duck by the neck.

#622

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#623

⇓

And he holds it up like he's Genghis Khan, okay? He's like…

#624

⇓

You know, the duck is like… [gruff quack]

#625

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#626

⇓

[shrill quacking]

#627

⇓

I look at Teacher, and Teacher's like…

#628

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#629

⇓

I go, "What are you doing?" He goes, "We can cook it."

#630

⇓

I go, "No, no."

#631

⇓

"We're all set today, pal."

#632

⇓

He goes, "Can I keep it?" I go, "Of course not."

#633

⇓

He goes, "You're never fun."

#634

⇓

I go, "Let it go."

#635

⇓

And he goes, "Oh."

#636

⇓

And then I turn and I see all the other parents who are like…

#637

⇓

-[gasps harshly] -[crowd laughing]

#638

⇓

I go, "He's a foster kid. They're bad, you know?"

#639

⇓

We're trying to make him good for you guys.

#640

⇓

Yeah, well…

#641

⇓

-[cheering] -You know…

#642

⇓

[cheers and whistling]

#643

⇓

"We got him in Ukraine. He's been a handful." Um…

#644

⇓

[cackles] He's blonde. They bought it.

#645

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#646

⇓

This tour has been a lot of fun. We've gone to a lot of fun places.

#647

⇓

You learn things sometimes when you travel. You pick up on things.

#648

⇓

A few weeks ago, we were in Augusta, Georgia, the Coke Zero of their cities.

#649

⇓

-And… -[crowd laughs]

#650

⇓

Augusta is quite famous, if you don't know.

#651

⇓

It's the home of Augusta National,

#652

⇓

which is a country club and golf course

#653

⇓

where they play arguably the most famous tournament in all of golf,

#654

⇓

appropriately titled, "The Masters."

#655

⇓

It's a curious name choice for the deep South.

#656

⇓

Now…

#657

⇓

[crowd laughing]

#658

⇓

Perhaps a different pronunciation when they named it?

#659

⇓

Mm-massa.

#660

⇓

-So… -[crowd laughs]

#661

⇓

I didn't name it. It was built…

#662

⇓

The club was built in 1933

#663

⇓

by what I would call top-shelf whites.

#664

⇓

The whitest whites.

#665

⇓

Whites so white, they sang white songs during their backswings.

#666

⇓

Like… I'm white

#667

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#668

⇓

No rhythm or flow, more of a statement, you know?

#669

⇓

Now, the club is also notorious

#670

⇓

for having a very exclusionary past.

#671

⇓

They are not a big fan of "others."

#672

⇓

So… we spent all day there, and I decided to look it up.

#673

⇓

I looked up, "When did they let in their first Black member?"

#674

⇓

And I'll give you guys a hint. It's later than you think.

#675

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#676

⇓

Are you ready?

#677

⇓

1990.

#678

⇓

[crowd groans]

#679

⇓

Yeah, they waited.

#680

⇓

-[crowd laughs] -They were like…

#681

⇓

[in Southern accent] "Maybe things'll go back to the way they were. I don't know."

#682

⇓

"You don't want to act too fast."

#683

⇓

"You don't put on a raincoat just 'cause it's drizzlin'."

#684

⇓

"You know what I'm saying, brother?"

#685

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#686

⇓

[Tom chuckles]

#687

⇓

[no accent] Then I looked up, "When did they let in their first female member?"

#688

⇓

[blows raspberry]

#689

⇓

2012.

#690

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#691

⇓

That's how much women ruin a good time for men.

#692

⇓

[crowd laughing]

#693

⇓

[cheers and applause]

#694

⇓

[Tom scoffs]

#695

⇓

I mean, you get it, right?

#696

⇓

They went to the most racist guys in our country.

#697

⇓

Guys who their whole lives was just about hating Black people

#698

⇓

with everything inside of them.

#699

⇓

And when those guys were presented with the question,

#700

⇓

"Whom would you rather hang out with?"

#701

⇓

[scattered laughter]

#702

⇓

[in Southern accent] "Black guys…

#703

⇓

or women?"

#704

⇓

They were like, "Mmm… Give us all the Blacks you got."

#705

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#706

⇓

"We will learn their fancy handshakes. I don't give a fuck."

#707

⇓

"I don't want some broad yapping in my ear, ruining my Sunday round."

#708

⇓

"Uh-uh. Come on, Jermaine, let me show you how we do this."

#709

⇓

[crowd laughing and whooping]

#710

⇓

"Get you a tee."

#711

⇓

[cheers and applause]

#712

⇓

"What's with all the dancing? You gonna do that after every hole?"

#713

⇓

"I got me a birdie." All right, so…

#714

⇓

[no accent] Are you… [laughs]

#715

⇓

Are you fans of documentaries? Do you like watching them?

#716

⇓

Because I…

#717

⇓

[scattered cheers]

#718

⇓

I love them.

#719

⇓

I love being filled with the confidence of surface-level knowledge

#720

⇓

without the burden of reading, you know?

#721

⇓

And so I've lost track. I've seen so many now.

#722

⇓

Sometimes they're quite informative.

#723

⇓

Other times they're just amusing.

#724

⇓

I mean, the funniest thing I've seen in a year

#725

⇓

is a Netflix documentary series called Untold,

#726

⇓

which focuses on sports stories, yeah.

#727

⇓

And there's one in particular on there.

#728

⇓

It's about a guy named Johnny Manziel.

#729

⇓

-Now… -[scattered whooping]

#730

⇓

If you're in this theater and you do not know who Johnny Manziel is,

#731

⇓

I will now use my time to tell you.

#732

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#733

⇓

Johnny Manziel is the first and only redshirt freshman

#734

⇓

to win the Heisman Trophy.

#735

⇓

That's the highest honor in college football.

#736

⇓

It goes to the nation's best player.

#737

⇓

Redshirt freshman simply means

#738

⇓

he was 18 months removed from high school

#739

⇓

when he didn't just play this sport, he dominated it.

#740

⇓

And when you watch this documentary, you will learn that he did this

#741

⇓

while mostly high and drunk. Like, pretty fucked up.

#742

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#743

⇓

The best is they interview all his former shit-kicking Texas-based coaches,

#744

⇓

who are like, "Yeah, man, he would come to practice. He'd be all shit-faced."

#745

⇓

And we would say, "Johnny, you better not fuck this up."

#746

⇓

"And then he didn't. He was awesome." And you're like, wait, what?

#747

⇓

-[crowd laughs] -[Tom scoffing]

#748

⇓

He was playing nationally televised games every Saturday with millions of viewers,

#749

⇓

either drunk, high, or hungover, just on the sidelines.

#750

⇓

[retching]

#751

⇓

And his coaches are like, "Johnny!"

#752

⇓

And he was like, "Watch this shit, six touchdowns."

#753

⇓

You're like, "Holy shit!"

#754

⇓

"Give him more drugs. This is working."

#755

⇓

He wins the Heisman.

#756

⇓

Sophomore year, he comes back, he's trying new things,

#757

⇓

he's sprinkling dust on his shit, you know?

#758

⇓

He's evolving. He plays amazing.

#759

⇓

Again, he almost wins it back-to-back.

#760

⇓

Then he goes into the NFL to play professionally.

#761

⇓

And they're like, "You need to clean up your act."

#762

⇓

And he was like, "I don't wanna play football anymore."

#763

⇓

And… that's the whole story.

#764

⇓

Now…

#765

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#766

⇓

To me, his story is more than that,

#767

⇓

because for me, in my personal life,

#768

⇓

I use his story as one that… where I can see I've evolved some.

#769

⇓

See, I used to judge him very harshly.

#770

⇓

A lot of people do.

#771

⇓

All they see is a blown opportunity.

#772

⇓

But the older I've gotten, I see it through a different lens.

#773

⇓

I realize that's a lot of pressure for a young man to have.

#774

⇓

A lot of people in their thirties, forties, and fifties can't handle that,

#775

⇓

let alone a freshman in college.

#776

⇓

You know, the celebrity, the fame, the money…

#777

⇓

And so now I do the thing that you do if you can.

#778

⇓

You put yourself in someone else's shoes. And I can do that.

#779

⇓

I was once a freshman in college.

#780

⇓

I wasn't dominating college football.

#781

⇓

I was going to class, and I was working part-time

#782

⇓

at a shopping cart manufacturer.

#783

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#784

⇓

A place that makes shopping carts.

#785

⇓

Here's how cool that job was.

#786

⇓

I went in there once on a Monday, and I went up to my boss.

#787

⇓

I go, "I think I'm gonna quit on Friday."

#788

⇓

And he goes, "Yeah, a lot of people do."

#789

⇓

[crowd laughing]

#790

⇓

Okay.

#791

⇓

And then on Friday, he goes, "Yeah, you're done." I go, "Okay, great."

#792

⇓

Then he tells me, "Hey, kid, a lot of people here like you."

#793

⇓

"Let's go to the bar down the street and we'll toast you to whatever you do next."

#794

⇓

I go, "Okay, I'm underage, but let's do it."

#795

⇓

So we went, you know. People from the office came.

#796

⇓

They were so nice.

#797

⇓

They gave me good luck cards, little gifts and such.

#798

⇓

And then one of them gave me a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey,

#799

⇓

which was definitely meant to be a parting gift.

#800

⇓

You know, like, "Take this with you."

#801

⇓

And I was like, "I'll just drink it here at the bar."

#802

⇓

-[crowd laughs] -Bartender's like, "You can't do that."

#803

⇓

I go, "I can't hear you." I'm just gonna do it.

#804

⇓

How can I make fun of Johnny for not being able to handle millions?

#805

⇓

I can't handle a free fucking bottle of booze.

#806

⇓

And let me tell you something, if you don't drink whiskey, if you start…

#807

⇓

If you tip back the bottle three or four times,

#808

⇓

your brain actually goes,

#809

⇓

"Hey, there's too many lights on in here."

#810

⇓

Beep, bop, boop.

#811

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#812

⇓

And you go, "I wanna do bad shit."

#813

⇓

[crowd laughing]

#814

⇓

I started taking people's change that was on the bar.

#815

⇓

I was like, "That's my shit, fuck you."

#816

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#817

⇓

My friends were like, "Hey, calm down." I go, "You fucking calm down."

#818

⇓

Then I ended up going home with a lady

#819

⇓

who had a most unfortunate face.

#820

⇓

Yeah.

#821

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#822

⇓

You think I'm being mean, but I know I'm being honest. That's why we're here.

#823

⇓

[scattered laughter]

#824

⇓

I blacked out, thankfully.

#825

⇓

Um… Some of you never blacked out.

#826

⇓

Congratulations on your healthy lifestyle choices.

#827

⇓

But… the rest of us know it is horrifying.

#828

⇓

I mean, I remember I woke up that next morning.

#829

⇓

I was looking out a window

#830

⇓

into a yard I didn't recognize.

#831

⇓

And I was like, "Where am I?"

#832

⇓

"And what is this?"

#833

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#834

⇓

And then I turned over, and this fucking gargoyle appeared.

#835

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#836

⇓

And I audibly gasped

#837

⇓

in her face.

#838

⇓

You understand? Like, I'm here. And I went… "Ohh!"

#839

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#840

⇓

Ahh!

#841

⇓

And she was used to it. She was like, "I know. I know."

#842

⇓

[crowd laughing]

#843

⇓

"You're not the first fella to do that."

#844

⇓

She looked like Bill Belichick, the former… Patriots coach.

#845

⇓

Picture him with shoulder-length, brown hair.

#846

⇓

Same face, same body.

#847

⇓

I was like, "Put the fucking hoodie on. I don't want to see this."

#848

⇓

And then I left there, you guys, feeling tremendous shame.

#849

⇓

I told you I was a freshman in college.

#850

⇓

I was taking Psychology 101.

#851

⇓

We had talked about shame. You know what they teach you about shame?

#852

⇓

They teach you that shame thrives in secret.

#853

⇓

If you feel shame about anything,

#854

⇓

you should confide it in at least one other person

#855

⇓

to help release the feeling.

#856

⇓

But if you keep it inside, it festers and grows,

#857

⇓

and it can consume you.

#858

⇓

And I remember thinking back then, "How fascinating."

#859

⇓

"I feel shame and I know what to do."

#860

⇓

"Tell someone."

#861

⇓

And then I thought, "Fuck that."

#862

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#863

⇓

"I will die with this secret… and bury it under pizza."

#864

⇓

And as I was doing that,

#865

⇓

I remember getting a call from a guy who was at that bar the night before.

#866

⇓

He goes, "Hey, man, where did you go after the bar?"

#867

⇓

And I said, "I went home."

#868

⇓

And he goes, "Did ya?"

#869

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#870

⇓

I go, "Yeah."

#871

⇓

He goes, "I don't think you did."

#872

⇓

I go, "No, I did."

#873

⇓

And he goes, "Mm, you didn't."

#874

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#875

⇓

I go, "What are you talking about?" He goes, "We can stop doing this."

#876

⇓

"I'll tell you what you did." I go, "Okay, what did I do?"

#877

⇓

And he goes, "Dude, you fucked my aunt."

#878

⇓

[crowd groaning and laughing]

#879

⇓

[crowd reactions rising]

#880

⇓

[cheers and applause]

#881

⇓

I say, "Your aunt is Bill Belichick?"

#882

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#883

⇓

He goes, "Yeah."

#884

⇓

I didn't know what to say, so I just said, "I'm sorry."

#885

⇓

He goes, "No, I'm sorry."

#886

⇓

He goes, "I don't wanna fuck any of my aunts,

#887

⇓

but Bill is definitely last on that list."

#888

⇓

[chuckles]

#889

⇓

I switched to weed that day.

#890

⇓

Sometimes you watch documentaries, and it's a whole different experience.

#891

⇓

Like, it's just enlightening.

#892

⇓

You get information that you can't let go of.

#893

⇓

It just sits in your mind.

#894

⇓

You tell people about it. It's in your dreams.

#895

⇓

I mean, I watched one not long ago that if I had not watched it,

#896

⇓

I would have no idea how much cocaine Hitler did.

#897

⇓

-[crowd laughs] -No idea.

#898

⇓

Like, everybody knows the Third Reich was on meth.

#899

⇓

You know that, right? The entire German army.

#900

⇓

They were on meth during World War II. Picture that.

#901

⇓

A hundred thousand German soldiers

#902

⇓

marching through the Ardennes Forest.

#903

⇓

Supposed to take six days, and they did it in 28 minutes.

#904

⇓

That's meth.

#905

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#906

⇓

Imagine you're sitting in a cabin in Belgium

#907

⇓

just drinking fucking milk, I guess…

#908

⇓

[speaking French]

#909

⇓

And you hear… [shouts in German]

#910

⇓

And you're like, "Holy shit."

#911

⇓

[speaking French]

#912

⇓

I mean, that's meth… You been around somebody on meth? I have. It's unsettling.

#913

⇓

They never stop talking. They want to fuck everything.

#914

⇓

And those are Americans.

#915

⇓

Can you imagine what these kinky-ass Germans were like? Just…

#916

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#917

⇓

Mmm…

#918

⇓

"Oh… I want you to suck me dry--"

#919

⇓

"Hey!"

#920

⇓

"Gunther, back off."

#921

⇓

Now, Hitler did meth too. It's very well documented.

#922

⇓

A lot of people don't know he was given cocaine in the mornings

#923

⇓

by his personal doctor.

#924

⇓

Like, you think Michael Jackson's doctor was out of line?

#925

⇓

That was propofol to go to sleep.

#926

⇓

That's JV shit, okay?

#927

⇓

Like, "I want to go to sleep."

#928

⇓

"Oh, fuck."

#929

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#930

⇓

Hitler would wake up, and then his doctor was like,

#931

⇓

"Good morning, my Führer." And fucking…

#932

⇓

[snorts]

#933

⇓

And then he was like, "Ah, Jews!"

#934

⇓

[crowd laughing]

#935

⇓

Dude, to start your day with an eight ball and a heart full of hatred is wild.

#936

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#937

⇓

Here's what I really want to know.

#938

⇓

Why am I learning about this at 46?

#939

⇓

I feel like every little kid should know this.

#940

⇓

Kindergartners should come up to all of us and be like,

#941

⇓

"You know how much cocaine Hitler did?"

#942

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#943

⇓

You don't think that's the best deterrent story for a kid?

#944

⇓

I do.

#945

⇓

When I was a kid, they'd go, "Don't do coke."

#946

⇓

And you'd go, "Why?"

#947

⇓

And they're like, "That's what rock stars do."

#948

⇓

And you're like, "Oh, okay."

#949

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#950

⇓

"You mean like Slash and Eric Clapton?"

#951

⇓

And they're like, "Yes, they're up till 6:00 a.m.,

#952

⇓

and they're shaving their bodies…"

#953

⇓

[chuckles]

#954

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#955

⇓

"…and they're fucking girls."

#956

⇓

"Is that what you want to do?" And you'd be like, "Boo!"

#957

⇓

"Anybody else do coke?" "Yeah, Martin Scorsese."

#958

⇓

You're like, "Yeah, that fucking worked out."

#959

⇓

"How about a bad guy?"

#960

⇓

"Uh-uh, we don't have any."

#961

⇓

Well, there is this one. I don't know if you've heard of him.

#962

⇓

His name is Adolf fucking Hitler.

#963

⇓

He was doing mountains of coke.

#964

⇓

By the way, he was having the same dumb conversations your friends have.

#965

⇓

He was just having them about war.

#966

⇓

He was like, "We should go to Stalingrad in December."

#967

⇓

[crowd laughing]

#968

⇓

"Haha, and we'll fuck them up, hahaha!"

#969

⇓

[crowd laughing]

#970

⇓

"Hey! Look at my mustache. I cut off the sides."

#971

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#972

⇓

[cheers rising]

#973

⇓

[cheers and applause]

#974

⇓

"You guys want to see my art? It's pretty good."

#975

⇓

"It's mostly me choking ducks. Look at this shit."

#976

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#977

⇓

"You think Mussolini likes me?"

#978

⇓

All right, well…

#979

⇓

No, it should be said. He was a real knucklehead.

#980

⇓

[stifling chuckle]

#981

⇓

Cool accent, though. Ja!

#982

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#983

⇓

See, I've always had a fascination with languages.

#984

⇓

So, if you don't know, half my family is from South America.

#985

⇓

They're from Peru. I've been going there… Yeah.

#986

⇓

-[crowd cheering] -I've been going there my whole life.

#987

⇓

My relatives have been visiting me my whole life.

#988

⇓

Did you know that every time

#989

⇓

one of my 288 cousins comes to visit me,

#990

⇓

they always say the same sentence incorrectly,

#991

⇓

and they have for over 30 years.

#992

⇓

One of them… during their visit, one of them will come up to me and go…

#993

⇓

[in Peruvian accent] "Tommy. Um… I have to, uh… make a shit."

#994

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#995

⇓

And I go, "I understand."

#996

⇓

If you speak any Spanish, you realize what's happening.

#997

⇓

It's a literal translation.

#998

⇓

Because in Spanish, you would say, "hacer," which is "to make,"

#999

⇓

which, to be fair to all Spanish speakers, it is exactly what you are doing.

#1000

⇓

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