Home » Tom Segura: Teacher (2025) » S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)

Season 1, Episode 1 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)

You are, in fact, making shit.

#1001

⇓

I always correct them to be polite. "We don't say that here."

#1002

⇓

"Here, we say I have to take…

#1003

⇓

a shit."

#1004

⇓

And they always go, "Why?"

#1005

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1006

⇓

"I will not take it anywhere."

#1007

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1008

⇓

I go, "Yeah, your logic is sound, but…

#1009

⇓

if you keep saying, 'I'm making shit in the toilet,'

#1010

⇓

someone's gonna call the cops, so just follow my lead."

#1011

⇓

See, if you're at this show, you speak the world's language.

#1012

⇓

The world's language is English.

#1013

⇓

Most of you, like me, did absolutely nothing to learn it.

#1014

⇓

You were just born.

#1015

⇓

And the rest of the world tries so hard

#1016

⇓

just to communicate with us,

#1017

⇓

just to participate with us,

#1018

⇓

and then we mock them to their face for trying.

#1019

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1020

⇓

Isn't that great? The whole world goes, "Um, how do you say…"

#1021

⇓

and we go… [babbling]

#1022

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1023

⇓

"Listen to this fucking idiot."

#1024

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1025

⇓

Like you did something.

#1026

⇓

"I do not know…" [babbling]

#1027

⇓

"Shut up, stupid."

#1028

⇓

It's like his eighth language.

#1029

⇓

Some redneck's like, "You don't fucking talk good."

#1030

⇓

"Fucking don't talk so much." And you're like, "Yeah."

#1031

⇓

"Yeah, what he said, for sure."

#1032

⇓

You can do that if you want.

#1033

⇓

You can mock people who have not mastered what you have.

#1034

⇓

It's rude. With language, you're gonna hurt people's feelings.

#1035

⇓

You know what everybody enjoys everywhere? I swear, everywhere.

#1036

⇓

If you can do an accent well,

#1037

⇓

people treat you like you're a goddamn magician.

#1038

⇓

They love it. Go try it at work. On Monday, just go to work and be like…

#1039

⇓

-[in British accent] "Hello, mate." -[crowd laughs]

#1040

⇓

"Would you like a biscuit with your tea?"

#1041

⇓

Someone in your office is gonna go, "No-uh."

#1042

⇓

I mean, you can do all the… Walk around…

#1043

⇓

[laughing in French accent]

#1044

⇓

"Would you like a croissant with your coffee?"

#1045

⇓

"Would you like to mange my anus?" Whatever, say whatever you want.

#1046

⇓

And you can do all the accents.

#1047

⇓

Obviously not Asian, which is a bummer,

#1048

⇓

because that's the most fun one to do.

#1049

⇓

-Um… -[crowd laughs]

#1050

⇓

You'll continue to do that when you're alone, and with friends, and with family,

#1051

⇓

and… in the shower, and in the car, and with lovers,

#1052

⇓

because there's nothing better, but you can't do it, you know?

#1053

⇓

You can do a little. You can do a note.

#1054

⇓

It's sort of like you can walk up to a piano and you can hit a key, right?

#1055

⇓

You can be in public and go, like…

#1056

⇓

[in random Asian accent] "Oh…" Like that.

#1057

⇓

-[crowd laughs] -You know.

#1058

⇓

People still get jumpy. They'll be like, "What the fuck are you doing?"

#1059

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1060

⇓

You can't go the whole way. You can't be like, "I would like to…"

#1061

⇓

[babbling in random Asian accent]

#1062

⇓

You can't. I did it to show you, but you can't do that.

#1063

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1064

⇓

If you want to have fun with an Asian person speaking,

#1065

⇓

and you're not Asian,

#1066

⇓

what you should do is simply learn how to say something in an Asian language.

#1067

⇓

Then you're repeating words. You're allowed to do that.

#1068

⇓

I've been working on this Mandarin.

#1069

⇓

[scattered laughter]

#1070

⇓

[Tom sighs]

#1071

⇓

It's rough, but… [chuckles]

#1072

⇓

Here we go. [clears throat]

#1073

⇓

-[chuckles] -[crowd laughs]

#1074

⇓

[speaking Mandarin]

#1075

⇓

[continues phrase]

#1076

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1077

⇓

[cheers and applause]

#1078

⇓

Thank you.

#1079

⇓

That means, "Kill my daughter. She is worthless."

#1080

⇓

Because they prefer boys, you know what I mean? Like…

#1081

⇓

Another girl, throw her against the tree.

#1082

⇓

Now… I did that joke in Hong Kong, and it did not land.

#1083

⇓

-So… -[crowd laughs]

#1084

⇓

Yeah, they hate trees, but…

#1085

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1086

⇓

I don't know how I'd react. I have boys, but…

#1087

⇓

I don't even know whose credit that is. Is that mine? Is that my wife's?

#1088

⇓

I mean, she can take a load…

#1089

⇓

-Um… -[crowd groans and laughs]

#1090

⇓

Between the legs. What I'm saying is…

#1091

⇓

I get blow jobs, but I get married blow jobs.

#1092

⇓

Them ain't like single-life blow jobs.

#1093

⇓

Married blow jobs kind of remind me…

#1094

⇓

You ever watch your dog…

#1095

⇓

on a hot day

#1096

⇓

get some water

#1097

⇓

from its bowl?

#1098

⇓

And then it looks at you

#1099

⇓

between licks. You know?

#1100

⇓

It's like…

#1101

⇓

[crowd laughing]

#1102

⇓

You're like, "Yeah, that feels good, that's nice. Very nice."

#1103

⇓

"Are you done?" "Yeah, I didn't want to come. Thanks, that was fun."

#1104

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1105

⇓

I still remember the good old days, yeah.

#1106

⇓

Yeah, I have old VHS tapes back here,

#1107

⇓

and they're a little grainy, but if I close my eyes,

#1108

⇓

I can still see those sweet, sweet angels from my twenties

#1109

⇓

who made sounds like they were fighting for their life.

#1110

⇓

You know, just…

#1111

⇓

[retching]

#1112

⇓

[hoarse gagging]

#1113

⇓

You know those blow jobs where you almost stop to see if she's okay?

#1114

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1115

⇓

You don't, 'cause you don't care.

#1116

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1117

⇓

You're like, "I like that you're suffering. This is cool."

#1118

⇓

[mimics spitting]

#1119

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1120

⇓

What, you don't have memories? Okay.

#1121

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1122

⇓

[Tom sighs]

#1123

⇓

I like a finger up the butt.

#1124

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1125

⇓

Let's be clear. I don't want to be excavated, okay?

#1126

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1127

⇓

I just like a little, you know…

#1128

⇓

A little Steve Aoki. "What's this button do?"

#1129

⇓

[making DJ mixtape noises]

#1130

⇓

Prime the pump, don't frack the crack. You're with me, right?

#1131

⇓

Yeah. You like that, sir?

#1132

⇓

Yes.

#1133

⇓

The 'stache gives it away. I knew you were in.

#1134

⇓

You?

#1135

⇓

Fuck yeah, all the culture's up front.

#1136

⇓

I polled my entire inner circle of close friends,

#1137

⇓

and they were all like, "Fuck, no."

#1138

⇓

"I don't like that. That shit is gay."

#1139

⇓

And I was like, "Well, have you ever considered trying it with a woman?"

#1140

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1141

⇓

That's not gay.

#1142

⇓

Maybe stop having your brother do it, weirdo, and…

#1143

⇓

"Hurry up before dad gets home."

#1144

⇓

[crowd laughing]

#1145

⇓

This is what you learn over the course of a lifetime about sex.

#1146

⇓

You learn that men and women, we both lie about sex.

#1147

⇓

We just lie in opposite directions.

#1148

⇓

Men exaggerate their exploits and their interests

#1149

⇓

simply because they live to impress women.

#1150

⇓

It's the truth. It's stupid, and it's simple, and it's true.

#1151

⇓

Every woman in here, at some point, you'll meet a guy like, "I like it all."

#1152

⇓

"Step on my nuts," and, um…

#1153

⇓

You know, "Cut my nipples open."

#1154

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1155

⇓

"Set me on fire."

#1156

⇓

And then you're like, "Okay…"

#1157

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1158

⇓

"He seems fun."

#1159

⇓

-[crowd laughs] -Then you get him in bed. What happens?

#1160

⇓

He's like, "Is that a match? I don't feel safe. I wanna call…"

#1161

⇓

"Oh, right, sure. Okay."

#1162

⇓

He's a fucking liar. He's a liar.

#1163

⇓

Now, women do the opposite lie.

#1164

⇓

Women diminish their accountability when it comes to sex, but I'll defend you.

#1165

⇓

I think you do it for a very good reason.

#1166

⇓

The reason a lot of women diminish their accountability when it comes to sex

#1167

⇓

is they have a very real and valid fear

#1168

⇓

that some men will shame them

#1169

⇓

for enjoying some of the same things that they enjoy.

#1170

⇓

Isn't that right, ladies?

#1171

⇓

[women cheering and clapping]

#1172

⇓

All right, so there's like 30 whores here. That's crazy.

#1173

⇓

-[crowd laughs] -[Tom chuckles]

#1174

⇓

I'm kidding. [snickering]

#1175

⇓

I'm kidding. Thank you for cheering.

#1176

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1177

⇓

Then, you know, I think about, like, things that happen in my own life,

#1178

⇓

and I realize that these theories are true.

#1179

⇓

I remember I had a roommate one time,

#1180

⇓

and we both knew this beautiful girl named Nicole.

#1181

⇓

And one day, my roommate goes, "Oh, I hooked up with Nicole."

#1182

⇓

And I go, "Oh, really?"

#1183

⇓

And then he said something super weird and gross,

#1184

⇓

and I apologize in advance, but he was like,

#1185

⇓

he goes, "Yeah, man, her puss…"

#1186

⇓

-[snorts, chuckles] -[crowd laughing]

#1187

⇓

He made sounds, which also made it way worse, you know?

#1188

⇓

He was like, "Mm."

#1189

⇓

I was like, "Oh!"

#1190

⇓

He was like, "It was so snuggly warm, you know?"

#1191

⇓

"I wanted to take a nap in there," and I was like, "What?"

#1192

⇓

He's like, "Yeah, mmm! Felt so good."

#1193

⇓

He goes, "It felt like a blanket that was lined with butter."

#1194

⇓

And I go, "What the fuck?"

#1195

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1196

⇓

And then I dated her for two months after that.

#1197

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1198

⇓

You know why? 'Cause I like butter too, sir.

#1199

⇓

-So… -[crowd laughs]

#1200

⇓

One day I'm with her. I guess I'm feeling insecure.

#1201

⇓

I bring it up. I go, "It's kind of weird you've hooked up with my roommate."

#1202

⇓

And she goes, "What?" I go, "Yeah."

#1203

⇓

She goes, "I've never touched your roommate." I go, "Really?"

#1204

⇓

She goes, "Hell no." I go, "Okay." So I go back to my place.

#1205

⇓

I go, "Hey, man, she said you guys never hooked up."

#1206

⇓

And he goes, "Oh yeah, that's true."

#1207

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1208

⇓

I go, "I should have known from the buttered-blanket pussy line."

#1209

⇓

-[crowd laughs] -I go, "Why would you tell me that?"

#1210

⇓

He goes, "Who cares" and turned on the TV. That was our whole conversation about it.

#1211

⇓

Years later, I was dating another woman

#1212

⇓

and we were talking about sex, like the topic of sex.

#1213

⇓

And I brought up threesomes.

#1214

⇓

I go, "Have you ever had a threesome?" You know what she said? She goes…

#1215

⇓

I go, "I didn't ask, 'Did you remember to take your Adderall today?'"

#1216

⇓

"Have you had sex with two other people at the same time?"

#1217

⇓

She goes, "Not really."

#1218

⇓

I go, "'Not really'? Was one of them an amputee?"

#1219

⇓

'Cause that still counts.

#1220

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1221

⇓

And she goes, "Well, here's the thing."

#1222

⇓

I go, "This is a 'here's the thing'?"

#1223

⇓

She goes, "Yes, technically I was in one,

#1224

⇓

but I was sunburned."

#1225

⇓

And I go, "What the fuck?"

#1226

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1227

⇓

She goes, "I was in there, but didn't really participate

#1228

⇓

'cause my sunburn was killing me."

#1229

⇓

I go, "This is insane

#1230

⇓

women's-only logic you got going on right now."

#1231

⇓

She goes, "How about you?"

#1232

⇓

I go, "I blew four guys, but I had poison ivy,

#1233

⇓

so it doesn't count either."

#1234

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1235

⇓

Just…

#1236

⇓

[cheers and applause]

#1237

⇓

[people in crowd whistling]

#1238

⇓

She was an absolute whore.

#1239

⇓

And… she's dead.

#1240

⇓

[scattered groans and laughter]

#1241

⇓

Probably.

#1242

⇓

You know, I've been thinking about killing my wife.

#1243

⇓

-Um… -[crowd laughs]

#1244

⇓

I've been talking about it too. Mostly with my wife. [chuckles]

#1245

⇓

-[crowd laughs] -It's her fault. She started it.

#1246

⇓

We were in the house one day, and she just lobs this at me.

#1247

⇓

She goes, "How easily do you think you could kill me with your bare hands?"

#1248

⇓

I go, "Uh, very."

#1249

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1250

⇓

She goes, "Really?" I go, "It wouldn't even be a little bit hard."

#1251

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1252

⇓

She goes, "No!"

#1253

⇓

And I go, "Yeah."

#1254

⇓

"I'm not saying I'm a badass. I'm saying I can kill you with little to no effort."

#1255

⇓

Now this shit comes up all the time. Like, whenever we're together.

#1256

⇓

We were in New York. We were waiting for the subway, just standing there.

#1257

⇓

And at one point I was like, "Oh, I could fucking…

#1258

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1259

⇓

…shove you off of that platform right now."

#1260

⇓

And she looks, she goes, "I would die."

#1261

⇓

I go, "No shit."

#1262

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1263

⇓

Then she goes, "You shouldn't."

#1264

⇓

I go, "What?"

#1265

⇓

She goes, "There's cameras here, and there's people everywhere."

#1266

⇓

"You're gonna get caught."

#1267

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1268

⇓

I was like, "Yeah, good looking out. Okay."

#1269

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1270

⇓

We went to Hawaii.

#1271

⇓

We were on a hike just on this cliff's edge.

#1272

⇓

And at one point I put my hands on her shoulders.

#1273

⇓

I go, "You know, if I wanted to, I could… [grunts] …throw you off."

#1274

⇓

And she looks. She goes, "I would die."

#1275

⇓

I go, "You're getting good at this. Yeah."

#1276

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1277

⇓

I go, "Of course I'm not going to. There's rocks."

#1278

⇓

"Your body would be exposed. There'd be detectives everywhere."

#1279

⇓

"It would fuck up my day. I'm not doing it."

#1280

⇓

I go, "But if you look down there, I don't see any rocks."

#1281

⇓

"Over there, the tide would take you out."

#1282

⇓

"And then I would have an awesome week in Hawaii."

#1283

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1284

⇓

And then we kissed.

#1285

⇓

-[inhales deeply] -[crowd laughing]

#1286

⇓

I guess that's love, right?

#1287

⇓

Yeah, but she's alive.

#1288

⇓

[light laughter]

#1289

⇓

Isn't she?

#1290

⇓

Yeah. You know, we've been together, I think 63 years now, and…

#1291

⇓

You get to that point in your relationship where you're like,

#1292

⇓

"I'm riding it out with this one, right?"

#1293

⇓

But you can't help sometimes to think about who it could have been.

#1294

⇓

Don't you ever play that game?

#1295

⇓

You think back and you think about one, you're like, "Oof, Jesus,

#1296

⇓

I really dodged a bullet there."

#1297

⇓

Then you think about another one, "That could have been cool."

#1298

⇓

You think about all of them. I had one hit me the other day.

#1299

⇓

I was remembering that I studied abroad.

#1300

⇓

I did a semester in Madrid.

#1301

⇓

I remembered one time an American classmate of mine

#1302

⇓

came up to me, and he goes,

#1303

⇓

"Hey, I'm going to Tunisia this weekend, North Africa."

#1304

⇓

"Do you wanna come?" And I go, "Not really, no."

#1305

⇓

Then he called me out. He goes, "When will you have the chance

#1306

⇓

to see a place like that after such a short flight?"

#1307

⇓

"You really should go." And I thanked him.

#1308

⇓

I said, "You're right, I'm coming." We went. We went to Tunisia.

#1309

⇓

We checked into a hotel. We see this beautiful woman in the lobby.

#1310

⇓

We approach her together, but we're gentlemen.

#1311

⇓

I go, "Hey, we're American students. We're studying in Spain."

#1312

⇓

"We're here for the weekend." She goes, "I'm French."

#1313

⇓

"I'm traveling alone. I'm looking for heroin today."

#1314

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1315

⇓

And my friend goes, "She's yours."

#1316

⇓

And then he just… walked away.

#1317

⇓

And I was like, "Let's see where it goes," you know?

#1318

⇓

We rode camels, you know, we tried to score some H. [chuckles]

#1319

⇓

Then we're in her room later.

#1320

⇓

And we're making out, it's starting to heat up.

#1321

⇓

And I wanna make this very clear to everybody.

#1322

⇓

I stop her, and I go, "I gotta tell you something."

#1323

⇓

"I don't have a condom and, no offense…"

#1324

⇓

[chuckling] "…I think I need one."

#1325

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1326

⇓

She goes, "You don't need a condom."

#1327

⇓

I go, "Ah…"

#1328

⇓

"Okay." So…

#1329

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1330

⇓

You said so, and I'm dumb.

#1331

⇓

So we did what we did.

#1332

⇓

And then I go back to my room, and my friend's there.

#1333

⇓

He goes, "Where have you been?"

#1334

⇓

I go, "The French girl. I just hooked up with her."

#1335

⇓

And his first question, he goes, "You have a condom?"

#1336

⇓

And I go, "No."

#1337

⇓

And his face dropped.

#1338

⇓

And he goes, "You're gonna die."

#1339

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1340

⇓

And I go, "I am gonna die."

#1341

⇓

I didn't sleep one second.

#1342

⇓

In the morning, I go downstairs for breakfast,

#1343

⇓

for fucking Tunisian breakfast.

#1344

⇓

It was like dates and hummus.

#1345

⇓

I was like, "You're gonna eat this first thing and wash it down with coffee?"

#1346

⇓

"You're gonna shit some memories out right now."

#1347

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1348

⇓

So I ate, I shat, and I saw her.

#1349

⇓

She knew something was up. She's like, "What is wrong?"

#1350

⇓

I go, "Last night, we did what we did, and we didn't use protection."

#1351

⇓

And she goes, "That's okay." And I go…

#1352

⇓

[chuckling dryly] "No, it's not."

#1353

⇓

And she goes, "It's okay because I take medicine."

#1354

⇓

[softly] I go, "Why do you take medicine?"

#1355

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1356

⇓

"Is your T cell count like 12 or something?"

#1357

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1358

⇓

She goes, "I take medicine to not make babies."

#1359

⇓

I go, "The pill?"

#1360

⇓

[laughing] "You think I'm worried…"

#1361

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1362

⇓

"…about getting you pregnant?"

#1363

⇓

"How would you even find me?"

#1364

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1365

⇓

"You just gonna write a letter?"

#1366

⇓

"Dear America…"

#1367

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1368

⇓

"A man calling himself Big Daddy Kane fucked me…"

#1369

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1370

⇓

"…in North Africa."

#1371

⇓

And she goes, "Calm down."

#1372

⇓

I go, "I can't!"

#1373

⇓

This woman reached into her purse and pulled out pills.

#1374

⇓

I didn't even ask what they were. I was just like…

#1375

⇓

"What was that, vitamin C?"

#1376

⇓

She goes, "Xanax. You just ate three Xanax."

#1377

⇓

"And now you're gonna relax, you big baby."

#1378

⇓

And like a minute later, I go, "Mm-hmm."

#1379

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1380

⇓

"I am relaxed."

#1381

⇓

And then we went up to her room, and we had unprotected sex again.

#1382

⇓

And that's how I got AIDS. I don't know. Um…

#1383

⇓

[crowd laughs]

#1384

⇓

I've never been tested. And guess what, guys?

#1385

⇓

I'm not gonna be.

#1386

⇓

Because it's better not to know.

#1387

⇓

At this point, I've got it.

#1388

⇓

My wife's got it.

#1389

⇓

The boys have got it.

#1390

⇓

Seven's got it.

#1391

⇓

[crowd laughing]

#1392

⇓

Oh yeah, for sure.

#1393

⇓

[cheers and applause]

#1394

⇓

Bill Belichick definitely has it.

#1395

⇓

But you know what? I feel good skinny.

#1396

⇓

So thank you, AIDS, and thank you, Milwaukee.

#1397

⇓

You guys were the best. Thanks very much.

#1398

⇓

-[crowd cheering] -Have a great night. Thank you.

#1399

⇓

['90s hip-hop music playing]

#1400

⇓

-[cheers and applause] -[hip-hop track continues]

#1401

⇓

-[crowd fades] -[music continues]

#1402

⇓

[music ends]

#1403

⇓

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