Home » A P Bio » S01E02 — Teacher Jail

A P Bio

Season 1, Episode 2 — Teacher Jail

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#1

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- Mm, he's, uh--

#2

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he's on his way, I just texted him, so--

#3

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- Nope.

#4

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Nope.

#5

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- All right, everybody. Start to shut up.

#6

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Ralph, what brings you here?

#7

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- You're late. I'm--I'm covering for you.

#8

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It's school policy. You can't leave

#9

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these students unattended.

#10

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That's nuts.

#11

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- He literally leaves us alone all the time.

#12

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- Just--just try to be on time.

#13

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- All right, yeah. Totally.

#14

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Come on, dude.

#15

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Is it--ah! Just gonna get some, uh

#16

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both: Hey!

#17

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- Uh, I need SunChips. - We just discussed this.

#18

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You--you can't just leave because you want chips.

#19

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- Ah, come on.

#20

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*

#21

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So I had an interesting morning.

#22

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As I was pulling out of my dead mom's driveway,

#23

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I turned on my number one NPR voice crush, Terry Gross,

#24

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only to find that she was interviewing my rival, Miles.

#25

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I was so distracted by this injustice

#26

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that I accidentally backed over a possum.

#27

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Specifically, his lower half.

#28

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He was flat from about here down.

#29

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And he was shouting, uh, a lot.

#30

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And this presented me with an interesting

#31

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philosophical dilemma.

#32

⇓

Was it kinder to let this animal slowly die

#33

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or to bash it to death with a big wrench?

#34

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And once I'd done so, I turned and saw

#35

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that one of the possum's relatives

#36

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was staring right at me.

#37

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He witnessed the entire thing.

#38

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This presented me with another beautiful

#39

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philosophical dilemma.

#40

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Was it kinder to let this new possum be driven mad

#41

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by what he'd seen, or do I bash him to death

#42

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with a giant wrench as well?

#43

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Needless to say, my morning became

#44

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a veritable killing field situation.

#45

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And now I'm going to have to power wash

#46

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my dead mom's driveway.

#47

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Yeah. - Awesome.

#48

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- Sounds like you were lashing out

#49

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'cause you were angry that Miles has a best-seller.

#50

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- Marcus, you of all people should be able to discern

#51

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when I'm lashing out.

#52

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- Maybe you should write your own best-seller.

#53

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- I've considered that.

#54

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It's just difficult to get any work done in this town,

#55

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with its possums and their screams.

#56

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There was so much...screaming.

#57

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I need SunChips.

#58

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[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

#59

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- One, two, three, four!

#60

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- * Next time I'll listen to my heart *

#61

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* Next time well, I'll be smart *

#62

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*

#63

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You writing a book, Jack?

#64

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- Oh, just getting down some thoughts.

#65

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- Oh, you know what kind of books I like?

#66

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Sex mysteries. - Mm-hmm. Like "Gone Girl"

#67

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and "Girl on the Train." - Mm-hmm.

#68

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- Anything where there's a girl and she's missing

#69

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or ideally, dead.

#70

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- Yes, yes. Ooh, okay, so you know what

#71

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your book could be about?

#72

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Three women who are best friends,

#73

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but then the Asian one gets taken.

#74

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For sex.

#75

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- Jack, come on! - Oops.

#76

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all: Ooh!

#77

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- Dirty man!

#78

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- This policy is there for your protection.

#79

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You're responsible if something happens to one of your students

#80

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while you're out toodling around.

#81

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- Ralph, Ralph, these kids are teenagers.

#82

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You think they can't be left alone for two seconds?

#83

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- Go!

#84

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What happened?

#85

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- He fell. We were playing Jelly Bean Quidditch.

#86

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- Yeah, it's where you stand on your desk

#87

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and throw jelly beans in each other's mouths.

#88

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Where's the golden snitch?

#89

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- So nerdy. - Ah--it--nerdy.

#90

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Victor?

#91

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You okay, buddy? You wanna hop up there?

#92

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- You know, this all happened

#93

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because Mr. Griffin left us unattended.

#94

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He can't do that. School policy.

#95

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- Yes, Sarika, thank you for taking

#96

⇓

what I said earlier and shouting it at me.

#97

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Okay, let's take this to my office.

#98

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- Concussion test.

#99

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Pupils not dilated.

#100

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Eyelashes are gorgeous.

#101

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That is not fair. Gimme, gimme.

#102

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Impulse control. On the count of three,

#103

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look right into here and do not blink, okay?

#104

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Wah!

#105

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- Okay, this is bad. All right, Victor

#106

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could be hurt, the school could get sued.

#107

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It's--it's like you only care

#108

⇓

about yourself, Jack. - Technically, deep down,

#109

⇓

we all only care about ourselves.

#110

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Psychological egoism.

#111

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I happen to care about this school.

#112

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But--but yeah, you don't respect that.

#113

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And--and frankly, I don't--

#114

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I don't think you respect me.

#115

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- Oh, come on, Ralph. You know we coo.

#116

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- No, I don't know that. Are we coo?

#117

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- I'm gonna take Victor back to class.

#118

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He's still a bit slow, but I think that was already there.

#119

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- Ah, yeah.

#120

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- Wait, who's with the kids right now?

#121

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- Oh, God, we left them alone again!

#122

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- That's hilarious. - Jack, plea--

#123

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Helen, go cover for me. - I also called

#124

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the teacher's union and the rep is here to see Jack.

#125

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- Which one--wa--not Kim.

#126

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Not Kim.

#127

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Oh, God, please not Kim.

#128

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Not Kim, please, not Kim.

#129

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Hey! Kim! What's up?

#130

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- Jack, don't say another word.

#131

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Ralph, get out. - The room is yours.

#132

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- No, I'm good.

#133

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- I'm freakin' addicted.

#134

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My name is Kim Burke and as your union rep,

#135

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I am always on the side of the teacher.

#136

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I don't care if you did kill that kid.

#137

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I don't wanna know.

#138

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As I see it, you have two options.

#139

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Or, as I like to call them...

#140

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doors.

#141

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Huh?

#142

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Door number one:

#143

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admit you're at fault, take a one week,

#144

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unpaid suspension.

#145

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However, this could go on your permanent record.

#146

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So-- - Eh.

#147

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- Then there's door-- or option--two.

#148

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We fight it!

#149

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You should know, this could take a while.

#150

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Because there will be an investigation.

#151

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Right, and while all that's going on,

#152

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you won't be allowed back in that classroom.

#153

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- Say more about that.

#154

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- You'd be in something called teacher jail,

#155

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which is basically a trailer where you sit around all day.

#156

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But that could take a couple months.

#157

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- That's a long time to not get paid.

#158

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You would get paid.

#159

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Full salary.

#160

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It feels wrong sweeping this under the rug.

#161

⇓

I'd be willing to stay in that damn jail

#162

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for as long as it takes to make this right.

#163

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Say the words, Jack,

#164

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and I will unleash the dogs.

#165

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- Kim...

#166

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unleash the dogs.

#167

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.

#168

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- This is teacher jail.

#169

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- Yeah, I bet I can guess what some of these guys did.

#170

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- Right now, I'm taking you

#171

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off my team and handing you over to the coach.

#172

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He's gonna take it from here.

#173

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- All right.

#174

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- Here's the rules, Kemosabe:

#175

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Number one, every day you're here,

#176

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you've gotta sign in.

#177

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- Sorry, I was waiting for number two.

#178

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Okay. All right.

#179

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*

#180

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Been through so much.

#181

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That's why Principal Durbin has entrusted me

#182

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with the sacred duty to-- as he would say--

#183

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just take care of it, Helen.

#184

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So I went on my computer and I searched

#185

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for every available sub in the district.

#186

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And I think I found someone that you're really gonna love.

#187

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Come on in, don't be shy. Come on.

#188

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Tada! It's me.

#189

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You think I'd leave you guys with a stranger?

#190

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I'm gonna teach you what I know.

#191

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Starting with the gorgeous velveteen labyrinth

#192

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that is the female reproductive system.

#193

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This is my cervix.

#194

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Who can tell me the five things that are wrong with it?

#195

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- Okay, ladies.

#196

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I'm trying to get a sense of the culture around here.

#197

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Nobody? - Mm-mm.

#198

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- All right, then.

#199

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Is everybody following the supervision policy?

#200

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- I do. Other people may leave their class sometimes.

#201

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Not me. Not even if I have to use the bathroom.

#202

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I just control it. - She's so dedicated.

#203

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- Oh, she's amazing. - She's a queen.

#204

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- She has pooped her pants a couple of times.

#205

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- I have.

#206

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But I just borrow some red track pants

#207

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from lost and found.

#208

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I wash them and put them back.

#209

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- Nobody wants those now. - Let the lost be lost.

#210

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- Hey! Hey, Durbin!

#211

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Come back here! Durbin!

#212

⇓

Where you going?

#213

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This is my dog chow.

#214

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- The dogs are loose.

#215

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- Jack wants to fight his case.

#216

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So you can just wipe that smug look right off your face.

#217

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- Because you're weak.

#218

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And I don't trust you with my teachers.

#219

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You don't deserve to be their principal.

#220

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Just like you didn't deserve

#221

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to be captain of the Glee Club.

#222

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- Okay, Kim, that was 25 years ago.

#223

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- I don't care! - You gotta let it go!

#224

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- No! Mr. K felt sorry for you.

#225

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Everybody knows it should've been...

#226

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* me

#227

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Yeah. I see you for what you really are, Durbin.

#228

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You're no leader of men.

#229

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You're nothing but a cutie patootie.

#230

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I may be a cutie patootie,

#231

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but I'm still the boss around here.

#232

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And you were flatting. Good day.

#233

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- Uh!

#234

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- Oh, my God.

#235

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- Mm-mm.

#236

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- Uh, I'm trying to come up with ideas for a new book.

#237

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Philosophy--but I'm not quite sure where to begin.

#238

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- Plato says, "All philosophy begins in wonder."

#239

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- You know Plato. - I dabble.

#240

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- Jack. - Oh, Philip.

#241

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Homemade shortbread?

#242

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- Yes.

#243

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- Wow. Mmm.

#244

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What are you here for?

#245

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- I tickled some of the other teachers.

#246

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I'm a tickler. I love to make people laugh,

#247

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but I don't know any jokes.

#248

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- Hm. - It only takes one person,

#249

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though, to call you a teacher tickler.

#250

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And true or not, you're ruined.

#251

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- Mm. - You are ruined.

#252

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- Very much.

#253

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- Mm. - Yeah.

#254

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So, what have you got so far on this book?

#255

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- Ohh-- I don't know.

#256

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Something about the distortion of the ego

#257

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that comes from late capitalism's denial of death.

#258

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I mean, it may help to have someone else

#259

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tickle the keyboard.

#260

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Yeah, I'd like that.

#261

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- Great. Let's dispel some common myths.

#262

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Pull-out method. Don't work.

#263

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Menopause, not real.

#264

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Vaginal orgasm, gimme a break.

#265

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- I thought we were gonna get a real teacher.

#266

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- I'm gonna need a volunteer. Let me see.

#267

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Somebody maybe in the very, very back.

#268

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How about, uh, Anthony.

#269

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Come on down.

#270

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Come on down, Anthony. Oh, yes.

#271

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Come on. Now, Anthony,

#272

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I'm gonna say a part of the female body

#273

⇓

and I want you to define it and then I want you

#274

⇓

to point it out on me.

#275

⇓

This is gonna be fun.

#276

⇓

- Sarika, you have to fix this!

#277

⇓

- This is way worse than Mr. Griffin.

#278

⇓

- Okay!

#279

⇓

Ms. Demarcus, can Victor, Grace, Colin and I

#280

⇓

go to the bathroom?

#281

⇓

- Yeah, the pass is on the desk.

#282

⇓

Anthony, perineum.

#283

⇓

Keep goin'. Keep goin'.

#284

⇓

Keep goin'.

#285

⇓

Mine's lower than usual. Keep goin'.

#286

⇓

- But this desire for a so-called answer

#287

⇓

reflects a society obsessed with the, um--

#288

⇓

uhh--

#289

⇓

Ephemeral. - Ephemeral, yes.

#290

⇓

Yes, Philip, yes.

#291

⇓

I'll tell you, now that I have a clear thesis,

#292

⇓

this book practically will write itself.

#293

⇓

I mean, I think we can have a draft in a month.

#294

⇓

- I do.

#295

⇓

Can we talk?

#296

⇓

- Uhh, yeah. One sec.

#297

⇓

- Look, this thing is getting blown way out of proportion.

#298

⇓

Jack, you know you're in the wrong.

#299

⇓

Okay, how about a one day suspension?

#300

⇓

- Uh, I don't know.

#301

⇓

I mean, I think this-- this policy

#302

⇓

really needs to be examined.

#303

⇓

I mean, these--these kids are old enough to get pregnant.

#304

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They can't be alone for two seconds?

#305

⇓

- That's literally the reason

#306

⇓

they shouldn't be left alone.

#307

⇓

Look, it's one day, okay?

#308

⇓

How about a-- a slap on the wrist,

#309

⇓

we'll put the whole thing behind us.

#310

⇓

- Jack, my fingers are getting cold.

#311

⇓

I gotta go.

#312

⇓

I'm so sorry, Ralph. I don't like this

#313

⇓

any more than you do.

#314

⇓

.

#315

⇓

- All right, Helen said we could find

#316

⇓

every sub in the district on here.

#317

⇓

If we find one we like, maybe we can

#318

⇓

go around her completely.

#319

⇓

- If I see anyone coming,

#320

⇓

I'll play "Baker Street."

#321

⇓

- Uh, I think you know.

#322

⇓

- Here we go.

#323

⇓

Let's find the biology teacher of our dreams.

#324

⇓

Oh, here we go. - I feel like he's too jacked.

#325

⇓

[playing "Baker Street" on saxophone]

#326

⇓

- What the--

#327

⇓

What the heck are you guys doing on my Dell?

#328

⇓

- We're looking for a new substitute.

#329

⇓

The truth is...

#330

⇓

Principal Durbin needs you even more than we do.

#331

⇓

- Yeah. He's been through so much.

#332

⇓

- Go to him, Helen.

#333

⇓

- You're good kids.

#334

⇓

I'll get your substitute for you.

#335

⇓

Ralph! I got you! I got you!

#336

⇓

- We convince the board your case has merit,

#337

⇓

this thing could drag on for months.

#338

⇓

- Mm. - You sure you're all right

#339

⇓

with being in teacher jail?

#340

⇓

- It's been a weirdly productive situation.

#341

⇓

- Mr. Griffin, do you have any questions

#342

⇓

before we begin? - Um, yes,

#343

⇓

are there more white grapes coming or is this all there is?

#344

⇓

That's all the grapes.

#345

⇓

Principal Durbin, your statement.

#346

⇓

- Yeah, well, uh, it's--it's pretty simple.

#347

⇓

- Boo. - I don't think that

#348

⇓

there's any bad guys here.

#349

⇓

We have a supervision policy. - Sit down!

#350

⇓

- He ignored it. - Allegedly.

#351

⇓

- And Victor got hurt!

#352

⇓

- Kim, your statement.

#353

⇓

- I want to tell you about the most dedicated,

#354

⇓

caring, hard-working teacher I know.

#355

⇓

Jack Griffin.

#356

⇓

I--I mean, clearly, he is suffering

#357

⇓

and this is hard on him.

#358

⇓

Right?

#359

⇓

- I miss my little sweeties.

#360

⇓

- Why are we persecuting this man

#361

⇓

when clearly, the problem at this school

#362

⇓

is this man?!

#363

⇓

Principal Ralph Durbin.

#364

⇓

Dirty Durbin.

#365

⇓

Why aren't the teachers following the school policy?

#366

⇓

Well, maybe it's because the principal

#367

⇓

is asleep on the job.

#368

⇓

- Okay, I'm clearly blinking.

#369

⇓

Well, not according to his Google searches.

#370

⇓

- Okay, that's private. - I'll allow it.

#371

⇓

"Kokomo is it real"

#372

⇓

Do we really want a principal

#373

⇓

who's daydreaming about

#374

⇓

some fake paradise in the Florida Keys?

#375

⇓

- Well, why are the other ones real?

#376

⇓

Aruba, Jamaica-- - Principal Durbin

#377

⇓

mowing the school lawn

#378

⇓

wearing what is known as a wife-beater.

#379

⇓

- It was a Saturday.

#380

⇓

- Oh! It's okay, everybody, to beat your wife

#381

⇓

on a Saturday.

#382

⇓

Do we really think

#383

⇓

that Principal Durbin told Jack

#384

⇓

about the supervision policy

#385

⇓

when he can't even remember to fix the sign

#386

⇓

in front of the school?

#387

⇓

Since I've been here this week,

#388

⇓

I've noticed nothing but a trail of destruction

#389

⇓

on your watch.

#390

⇓

Kids falling off of desks,

#391

⇓

teachers defecating in their pants,

#392

⇓

and a Harvard professor being micromanaged

#393

⇓

by an incompetent, little wiener.

#394

⇓

But we have a chance

#395

⇓

to be on the right side of history.

#396

⇓

Ladies and gentlemen,

#397

⇓

fire the wiener.

#398

⇓

.

#399

⇓

- Oh--uh, can we just--

#400

⇓

can we have a moment?

#401

⇓

Okay, thanks. Uh, Kim, can I talk to you over here?

#402

⇓

- Just--

#403

⇓

can you just ease up on Durbin a little bit?

#404

⇓

I mean, I think we can both agree as educators

#405

⇓

he's not the problem, it's the policy.

#406

⇓

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Cut the crap, Jack.

#407

⇓

Okay, we both know you love teacher jail--

#408

⇓

being able to get paid to write your little book

#409

⇓

and play grab-ass with the freaks.

#410

⇓

You punk out on me now, and all that goes away.

#411

⇓

- I'm not punking out, I'm just saying lay off Durbin.

#412

⇓

He's a good guy. - It's too late, Jack.

#413

⇓

You let the dogs out.

#414

⇓

All right, everybody.

#415

⇓

On my next slide, you're gonna see

#416

⇓

Principal Durbin in full Native American headdress.

#417

⇓

- It--it was the '90s. It wasn't bad yet.

#418

⇓

- Okay, excuse me. Can I say something here?

#419

⇓

- Uh-uh, sit down! - Just--

#420

⇓

I have something to say, okay?

#421

⇓

Kim...

#422

⇓

Uh...tickled me.

#423

⇓

!

#424

⇓

- I'm sorry. - She's a teacher tickler.

#425

⇓

Yeah, she would wait until we were all alone

#426

⇓

and then she would just go bananas all over me,

#427

⇓

tickling me up and down.

#428

⇓

Yep.

#429

⇓

So take her away.

#430

⇓

Jack, tickling is not

#431

⇓

a punishable offense.

#432

⇓

I'd call it lightly frowned upon,

#433

⇓

or awkward-- if people are watching.

#434

⇓

- What--so no one cares that she tickled me?

#435

⇓

- Well then why is Philip, the frickin' best guy I know

#436

⇓

in teacher jail right now?

#437

⇓

- That guy did more than just tickle.

#438

⇓

- Oh. What else did he do.

#439

⇓

Dated. - Yes.

#440

⇓

- He dated the CPR dummy.

#441

⇓

Look, I'm just gonna--

#442

⇓

I'm gonna come clean here.

#443

⇓

I was out of the room when the nerd fell,

#444

⇓

and Ralph warned me about it.

#445

⇓

It's totally my fault. So can we just be done here?

#446

⇓

- All right, Mr. Griffin is docked three days pay.

#447

⇓

- Yeah, and must remain in teacher jail--

#448

⇓

- And will return to his classroom immediately.

#449

⇓

- Ahh.

#450

⇓

- This is not over, Durbin.

#451

⇓

- My name is Mr. Vining.

#452

⇓

I am your new teacher, and I...

#453

⇓

love biology.

#454

⇓

Pretty soon, you're gonna love it as well.

#455

⇓

But not just love it,

#456

⇓

you're going to understand it.

#457

⇓

So let's not waste another moment.

#458

⇓

Our story begins

#459

⇓

3.8 billion years ago.

#460

⇓

In a humble puddle of amino acid.

#461

⇓

You may wanna write that down.

#462

⇓

All right, chief.

#463

⇓

I appreciate it, but I got it from here.

#464

⇓

- Oh. Okay.

#465

⇓

Well, uh, fair enough. - Yep.

#466

⇓

All right.

#467

⇓

- Wait.

#468

⇓

- Well, I'm back.

#469

⇓

Did you guys miss me?

#470

⇓

Yeah

#471

⇓

By the way, I know what y'all did.

#472

⇓

And, uh, no hard feelings.

#473

⇓

- That little accident with Victor,

#474

⇓

I know you staged it.

#475

⇓

It was just--

#476

⇓

it was a little bit too convenient.

#477

⇓

You know, the way Victor

#478

⇓

fell just after Durbin mentioned

#479

⇓

the supervision policy.

#480

⇓

But I know Victor--

#481

⇓

sweet, simple Victor couldn't come up

#482

⇓

with a plan like that on his own.

#483

⇓

He probably had a little bit of help.

#484

⇓

- I don't know what you're talking about.

#485

⇓

- "I don't know what you're talking about."

#486

⇓

Sure you don't.

#487

⇓

Well, I gotta say, Serika, you know, I'm impressed.

#488

⇓

Yeah, yeah, sometimes I forget

#489

⇓

that even though you're all dumber than me,

#490

⇓

there's still some value to your little brains.

#491

⇓

Kinda cool.

#492

⇓

Well, it's good to be back.

#493

⇓

Oh. Who's this little guy?

#494

⇓

So...guess you heard I got out.

#495

⇓

- Guess you heard I'm not just a tickler.

#496

⇓

- Philip, stop.

#497

⇓

You don't need to explain a damn thing to me.

#498

⇓

- Well, I'm--I'm mad you didn't tell me the truth.

#499

⇓

There's no secrets between us.

#500

⇓

And what is a friend, but a single soul

#501

⇓

dwelling in two bodies.

#502

⇓

- Aristotle. My favorite philosopher.

#503

⇓

Well, second favorite now.

#504

⇓

- Come here, you dumb perv.

#505

⇓

Ahh!

#506

⇓

Oh, come on!

#507

⇓

Oh, you are so bad.

#508

⇓

[playing "Baker Street" on saxophone]

#509

⇓

*

#510

⇓