Home » A P Bio » S01E03 — Burning Miles

A P Bio

Season 1, Episode 3 — Burning Miles

.

#1

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- All right, everybody,

#2

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start to shut up. Let's go ahead

#3

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and wrap up your current sentences

#4

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and get yourselves to a quiet place.

#5

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- Mr. Griffin, Dan is in my seat.

#6

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- Okay, I didn't even know it was his.

#7

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You added me to this weird class,

#8

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and now I don't know what's going on.

#9

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- Calm down, calm down.

#10

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Let's don't be so rule-minded.

#11

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No point in your adult lives

#12

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will you ever have assigned seats.

#13

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Besides airplanes. - And jury duty.

#14

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- If I've already undercut myself, don't add to it.

#15

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'Kay? As you all know, this week we are

#16

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devoting our attention to the psychological dismantling

#17

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of my academic rival, Miles Leonard.

#18

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Miles happens to be British.

#19

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He also happens to be... adopted.

#20

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So this week we will practice and perfect

#21

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British accents. And whosever is best

#22

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will call him, posing as his biological birth mother

#23

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who he's never met, and tell him some sort of

#24

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devastating secret.

#25

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Any questions? - Mr. Griffin,

#26

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are you seriously never gonna teach us biology at all?

#27

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- Sure, Sarika. Maybe, uh,

#28

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Pablo Picasso can come in and teach driver's ed.

#29

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Guys, I am a published Harvard philosophy professor.

#30

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I've no interest whatsoever

#31

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in teaching biology to you people, okay?

#32

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So drop it. It's a pretty sweet deal on the table--

#33

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play ball, get an A. Come on, let's make this easy.

#34

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I'm just trying to cope through a year in Toledo

#35

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with its miserable excuse for espresso.

#36

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Put your hand down.

#37

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Next words I hear outta you better be in a British accent.

#38

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The bookstore at the mall

#39

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has good espresso... m'lord.

#40

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- Hey, not bad! Looks like Anthony's out

#41

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to an early lead. Nice.

#42

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Let's open it up. And remember...British.

#43

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Female.

#44

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Hurtful. Go.

#45

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[overlapping chatter with accents]

#46

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- The mocha latte...

#47

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- I abandoned you in the loo.

#48

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- * Next time I'll listen to my heart *

#49

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* Next time well I'll be smart *

#50

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*

#51

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[dramatic classical music playing]

#52

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*

#53

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Ahh...

#54

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This is my sanctuary.

#55

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*

#56

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- Wha--

#57

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It's fine.

#58

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Ah, it's fine.

#59

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Nope.

#60

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*

#61

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I was kicked outta the bookstore.

#62

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Tried to explain to the manager that their staff "pick"

#63

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was feel-good soft-core nonsense.

#64

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Yeah, I happened to gesture with my coffee hand,

#65

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you know, splashed a couple measly drops on the guy.

#66

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He starts throwing the word scalded around--

#67

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"You've scalded me!" Next thing I know,

#68

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this large-calfed tyrant has his troop of baboons

#69

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forcibly eject me.

#70

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So...new plan.

#71

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British accents weren't exactly taking off anyway.

#72

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We will now focus on taking down the Miles display.

#73

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You will infiltrate the store by getting jobs there

#74

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and changing the staff pick, thereby giving me

#75

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some semblance of sanctuary

#76

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in this chili dump of a town.

#77

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- Did Miles do something to you?

#78

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Did he get you fired from Harvard?

#79

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- No, Miles just has this, um...

#80

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You know, he--he's like-- You know those people that--

#81

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He wears scarves. Indoors, you know what I mean?

#82

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When he smiles it's like, "Ehh..." You know?

#83

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You just wanna-- It's just ehh--

#84

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You know, he's like one of those people.

#85

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Look, do I need to go on, or are you guys getting this?

#86

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- Couldn't you just find a sanctuary

#87

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in a different part of the store?

#88

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That seems easier than lashing out.

#89

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- Does everyone hear him the way I do?

#90

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The grating tone? That's gonna be fatal

#91

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in a job interview, bud.

#92

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- Mr. Griffin, we can't get jobs.

#93

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- Yes, you can! Look, it's easy.

#94

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Couple of you get in, you flip the pic,

#95

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and then quit, for all I care.

#96

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I mean, look, it's a minimum wage job.

#97

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These things are designed to be revolving door.

#98

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So...who here has ever been on a job interview?

#99

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- Once my grandma asked me

#100

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to help her dig onions in the yard.

#101

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- Okay. We're gonna need some practice.

#102

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Hello? - Hey, sorry to interrupt you.

#103

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It's, uh, Principal Durbin from work.

#104

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I was hoping to see you

#105

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in my office when you have a moment?

#106

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Well, you're teaching a class.

#107

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You can't literally mean now.

#108

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- I'm on my way.

#109

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- Well, you--

#110

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- Heather, I want you to take over for me, okay?

#111

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I want you to mock interview all these people.

#112

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You guys are gonna do great. Just need a little work.

#113

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It's gonna work.

#114

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- That's your signature scent. She can't--

#115

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Ah--pffft! She can't take that away from you.

#116

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Now, scoot.

#117

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Sorry, the kids come first.

#118

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You're Jack, right? - Yes.

#119

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- H.H. DeMarcus. I go by Helen.

#120

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How was Harvard?

#121

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Uh...

#122

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let's go with good.

#123

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If Durbin's available now, I'd love to just--

#124

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- The annual bake sale is coming up,

#125

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and all teachers have to bring a baked good.

#126

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I do cream puffs, and people love 'em a lot.

#127

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But the most important part

#128

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is that we're raisin' money for the school.

#129

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And I'm gonna write down "Raisin' Money"

#130

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as a good cookie name.

#131

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I write them down when they come to me.

#132

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Now, you're getting off easy because you're new,

#133

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so I'm just gonna give you chocolate chip.

#134

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- I should have stopped you so much earlier.

#135

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Why would I ever do that?

#136

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- To show us how much Ram pride ya got!

#137

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- Oh, I see. No, we're on the same page.

#138

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Put me down as a definite no.

#139

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- You haven't gotten bitten by the Ram yet.

#140

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- Guess not. - Pam the Ram's comin' at ya.

#141

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Get ready!

#142

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All rams are male.

#143

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- Pam's a trans ram.

#144

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Yeah.

#145

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Okay.

#146

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- Jack comin' in!

#147

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Time to pay the piper, Jack.

#148

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- Wha--I love whatever this is.

#149

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Is it something from a movie?

#150

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- It's a Mercedes ad. Print.

#151

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"Never compromise."

#152

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- Ah! Well, you are nailin' it.

#153

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So I'm all ears.

#154

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- You gotta replace the school sign that you wrecked, homeboy.

#155

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Right? It was granite, very intricate,

#156

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very expensive work on the ram.

#157

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Jack, this is on you, and I never...

#158

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compromise.

#159

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- It's funny--I've been meaning to bring this up myself.

#160

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See, my lawyers were asking if the sign was far enough back

#161

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from the road, legally speaking.

#162

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And my neck has really been hurting.

#163

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You see, the thing is...

#164

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I also never compromise.

#165

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- And as...a man who does not compromise,

#166

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I have to respect that.

#167

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And, um, I'm sure I can

#168

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trim some fat from the budget

#169

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and maybe find some folks who, unlike us,

#170

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are willing to compromise. - Ah.

#171

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Ahh! Look alive, Whitlock!

#172

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Durbin's on the warpath!

#173

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All right, class,

#174

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I'm back, so start to shut...

#175

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up.

#176

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Hmm.

#177

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Heather, you, uh, finish those job interviews?

#178

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Yeah? Who'd ya hire?

#179

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Somebody had a lotta great references maybe, huh?

#180

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Maybe the boss' nephew.

#181

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Yeah.

#182

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That's what I thought.

#183

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These damn textbooks!

#184

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You should all take a page from how cool Dan Decker is.

#185

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You're not gonna see him

#186

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thumbing through a biology textbook.

#187

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- Nobody gave me one yet.

#188

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- Nobody even gave him one. How cool is that?

#189

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You know what?

#190

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Line up with your books over here. Come on.

#191

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Line up with your books, let's go.

#192

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Now, you see all these open windows?

#193

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Aaaaanybody wanna guess what happens next?

#194

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- Mr. Griffin, we can't throw out our books.

#195

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What about the AP test?

#196

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- Oh, can we not throw out the books?

#197

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Let's go.

#198

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Toss 'em, guys, toss 'em.

#199

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Sarika Sarkar, you gonna be okay?

#200

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- Not without my book, no.

#201

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- Whaaaaah!

#202

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- I didn't.

#203

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I didn't--Hand to God, I did not know.

#204

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Oh, man, I coulda really...

#205

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I coulda really hurt you.

#206

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Whoo! Oh, man.

#207

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All right, I was gonna start in on the interview prep,

#208

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but I don't think I can do it, man.

#209

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But I could get arrested for something like that, dude.

#210

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- Coach. Coach Novak, I need to, uh,

#211

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talk to you about the budget.

#212

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I need to you, uh...

#213

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I need you to cut down on field chalk.

#214

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Can't be, you know, touching that up every day.

#215

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I'm not gonna compromise.

#216

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- I get it. We're on the same team.

#217

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!

#218

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- But while we're talkin' budget,

#219

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I need a new P.E. parachute.

#220

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The old one got snagged on a kid's belt buckle.

#221

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He got whipped across the room,

#222

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and his buckle gutted that chute like a trout.

#223

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- "Never compromise."

#224

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First off, I need to know

#225

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when students get whipped across the gym.

#226

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And secondly, I'm in cutting mode, so--

#227

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- Oh, I see. You headed straight to P.E., huh?

#228

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Bottom of the totem pole.

#229

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- Dick, I understand how crucial P.E. is.

#230

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I tire out the boys!

#231

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You realize what a bunch of hopped-up boys

#232

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who had full energy would do to this school?

#233

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- I'll get you the parachute.

#234

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Find a way to fix it.

#235

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- If I didn't tire out the boys,

#236

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this school would be rubble by lunch!

#237

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- Remember, people, this is for the bookstore interview.

#238

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Posture. Eye contact.

#239

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And if I get the sense you're not really trying,

#240

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you get an F.

#241

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- I like big books, and I cannot lie.

#242

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- I have a 4.125 GPA.

#243

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- Never talk about grades. No one cares.

#244

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They have no impact on life.

#245

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Next!

#246

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And greatest weakness?

#247

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- My neck. - Very literal.

#248

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- I couldn't even hold my head up until I was five years old.

#249

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- The only job I've ever had

#250

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was babysitting my little brother.

#251

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- Look, you guys are trying to make a good impression here,

#252

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so you're gonna have to straight-up lie.

#253

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If you don't, someone else will, so it's fine.

#254

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It's called holistic consequentialism:

#255

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the consequences are the same either way, so...

#256

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lying. Go!

#257

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- My dad is author Stephen King.

#258

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- I have a normal-strength neck.

#259

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If I hear something behind me,

#260

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I turn and look without effort.

#261

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- Well, I hope you're all inheriting money,

#262

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because you're completely unhirable.

#263

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I have no choice but to take a run at this myself,

#264

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.

#265

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We might lose a whole academic year.

#266

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- We have to do something.

#267

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He has all the power.

#268

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- We should all show up at his house,

#269

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ambush him, and refuse to leave

#270

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until he gives us our books back.

#271

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Who's in? - I'm in.

#272

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I wanna see a professor's house.

#273

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I bet it's like the library from "Beauty and the Beast."

#274

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- We should ask Dan Decker.

#275

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He's scary, but Mr. Griffin likes him.

#276

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*

#277

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- Where is that son of a...

#278

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- Jack, you are squeezing that pen so hard.

#279

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What are you working on?

#280

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- Revenge. - Oh ho ho ho.

#281

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"Revenge"! - Somebody call Shonda!

#282

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Revenge! - Little too dramatic.

#283

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- "Shonda"...

#284

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- There he is!

#285

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- Oh, God, not now, Helen, please.

#286

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I-I'm working on a writing project of great importance.

#287

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- Exactly. You're a big brainiac with these

#288

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big thoughts, and there's no room in your head for cookies.

#289

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That's why I made it even easier for ya.

#290

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- You know,

#291

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I'm not some absentminded nutty professor

#292

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who's baffled by baking. I simply don't wanna do it.

#293

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- "Nutty Professor" is the perfect name for your cookies!

#294

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- That maniac doesn't care

#295

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about first impressions at all.

#296

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Iron out your panties, Jack.

#297

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- Listen...

#298

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- I do not bake cookies...

#299

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and I will never waver on that.

#300

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- Look at his nostrils. - Girl, they are flaring.

#301

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- Which one.

#302

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- My Michelle mug.

#303

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It's got my name on it, Michelle?

#304

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[rapid piano notes over phone]

#305

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- Thank you for calling Bartholemew's Bookstore.

#306

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We appreciate your call.

#307

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[classical piano melody continues]

#308

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*

#309

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Miles: What is time? Why are we here?

#310

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I'm Miles Leonard... - No.

#311

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Representative! - Philosopher

#312

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and MacArthur Genius. - Representative!

#313

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- "The Question IS the Answer."

#314

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Why are we here?

#315

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- I'm Miles Leonard, philosopher

#316

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and MacArthur Genius. Representative!

#317

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- "The Question IS the Answer."

#318

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What is time? Why are we here?

#319

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I'm Miles Leonard, Philosopher--

#320

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- Oh, shut up! - My book, "The Question

#321

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IS the answer."

#322

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Representative!

#323

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- Let's go around back.

#324

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Bartholemew's. Kyle speaking.

#325

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- Hold on, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming!

#326

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- What do you mean, you don't get involved

#327

⇓

in regional staff pics? What if Cliff

#328

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and his underlings picked "Mein Kampf"?

#329

⇓

You've never heard--Well, it's Adolf Hitler's manifesto.

#330

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You might wanna look it up.

#331

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"Mein" is spelled like chow mein,

#332

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"Kampf" is spelled like camp. but with a K,

#333

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and stick an F at the end.

#334

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No, no, no, no, no, do-do-don't--

#335

⇓

Why are we here?

#336

⇓

I'm Miles Leonard.

#337

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- We should leave. This feels like an intrusion.

#338

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We can use this.

#339

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- Ah! - New plan. If this guy's

#340

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gonna teach us, we need to help him.

#341

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- We can't take advantage of whatever...

#342

⇓

this is.

#343

⇓

Stick with the plan. He's vulnerable!

#344

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You guys are wimps! I should have brought girls.

#345

⇓

.

#346

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- Okay, here he comes.

#347

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Everybody remember, be gentle.

#348

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This is a man on the edge.

#349

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- All right, everybody, pipe down.

#350

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This plan's on life-support.

#351

⇓

Is this a Mormon school?

#352

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- No, silly!

#353

⇓

We're doing more interview prep today, right, Sarika?

#354

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- Yeah. I'm psyched about it.

#355

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- We made official resumes.

#356

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- I watched "Working Girl" last night.

#357

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- Guys, this is a massive improvement in attitude.

#358

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Ha. - This is much more interesting

#359

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than biology.

#360

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Thank you. I-I hate knowledge.

#361

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- Don't imply that I hate knowledge,

#362

⇓

but, uh, yeah, why don't we jump into some interview prep?

#363

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Right off the bat, I am seeing way too many bolo ties.

#364

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- Durbin Outfitters!

#365

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- Durbin Outfitters! - Hel-lo!

#366

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- We heard you're giving out money...

#367

⇓

Is that what people are saying?

#368

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- My kids need a monitor for presentations.

#369

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- Mine need a microphone also for presentations.

#370

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- And my kids need this technology

#371

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where song lyrics pop up at the bottom of the screen

#372

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and there's like a waterfall and a woman riding a horse.

#373

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I can't buy you a karaoke machine!

#374

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I'm looking for cuts!

#375

⇓

- Come on, Durbs. The staff karaoke machine

#376

⇓

has been broken for the last three semesters.

#377

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I know there's a song in you.

#378

⇓

- I do a pretty good...

#379

⇓

"Thriller," along with the Vincent Price part.

#380

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- Yes!

#381

⇓

- I knew it!

#382

⇓

- Gotta do it--I love it!

#383

⇓

- All right.

#384

⇓

Oh, crud, I just bought a karaoke machine.

#385

⇓

- Oh, geez. There's my sad little guy!

#386

⇓

Oh...

#387

⇓

Whooooh!

#388

⇓

What are you doing? - Oh, I'm tapped into

#389

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your kids, Jack. They told me what happened--

#390

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how you microwaved that fast food taco with lettuce.

#391

⇓

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

#392

⇓

The kids were at my house? - Yeah.

#393

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They saw you drinking and practicing punching,

#394

⇓

and they were worried you were having

#395

⇓

some kinda breakdown, so they wanted to do something for you.

#396

⇓

- That's the reason they went along

#397

⇓

with everything I said today

#398

⇓

- No. Ram pride!

#399

⇓

When one of our own has their horns

#400

⇓

stuck in that fence, we're there

#401

⇓

to pull 'em by the caboose, and that is why

#402

⇓

you are off cookie duty.

#403

⇓

Because you're just under too much strain.

#404

⇓

- I'm under no strain at all

#405

⇓

And there is absolutely nothing difficult

#406

⇓

about baking cookies.

#407

⇓

- Sorry, pal, because it's a no.

#408

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They would be blood cookies,

#409

⇓

paid for with your sanity.

#410

⇓

- You're a ridiculous person. I'm gonna go.

#411

⇓

Okay.

#412

⇓

I was pitied by a pack of dweebs?

#413

⇓

*

#414

⇓

Dan Decker. Are you part of that dork recon team

#415

⇓

that's peeping in my windows?

#416

⇓

- No.

#417

⇓

No one really loops me in on anything.

#418

⇓

- You, uh...

#419

⇓

always come out here and eat lunch by yourself?

#420

⇓

Thought you'd be like on a team

#421

⇓

or part of a bully crew or something.

#422

⇓

Come on, man. What's the deal?

#423

⇓

- I moved here from Florida like a year ago,

#424

⇓

and I'm kinda not that great at making friends.

#425

⇓

Can't even talk to the A.P. Bio kids.

#426

⇓

- Is that Heather from class and the body of Wonder Woman?

#427

⇓

- No, no.

#428

⇓

It--

#429

⇓

- You just gotta give them something they want.

#430

⇓

You probably just have to say the word "Dumbledore,"

#431

⇓

and they'd all high-five each other and go nuts.

#432

⇓

But that's not really the path I like for you anyway, man.

#433

⇓

I see you more as like a lone wolf.

#434

⇓

I mean, sure, people try to rope you into their bake sales,

#435

⇓

but...take it from this guy.

#436

⇓

The life of a lone wolf can be pretty sweet.

#437

⇓

- Dude, I don't wanna be like you.

#438

⇓

Your life's a mess.

#439

⇓

.

#440

⇓

*

#441

⇓

*

#442

⇓

- Hey, where do you think you're going with that?

#443

⇓

Hey--hey!

#444

⇓

- * No good, do no good *

#445

⇓

* And, well, it's true

#446

⇓

* 'Cause they never do what you want 'em to *

#447

⇓

* 'Cause people, they're no good *

#448

⇓

* Oh, no, they're no good at meetings *

#449

⇓

* When they come out to play

#450

⇓

* And they're no good for bookings *

#451

⇓

* 'Cause we can't make 'em stay, hey *

#452

⇓

*

#453

⇓

- This is a croquembouche.

#454

⇓

much like your cream puffs, but more impressive.

#455

⇓

It is you who will have the mental breakdown, Helen.

#456

⇓

This is a one-time exception. Write down everything I say

#457

⇓

right now. First, never dress like this again.

#458

⇓

Second, I took down the Miles cutout myself.

#459

⇓

I've been banned from the bookstore for life,

#460

⇓

but...that's okay.

#461

⇓

The only true sanctuary I'll have in this town

#462

⇓

is between these two ears right here.

#463

⇓

Third, and finally, never pity me.

#464

⇓

Did any of you go to Harvard?

#465

⇓

Have any of you slept with 24 women?

#466

⇓

What you saw when you trespassed on my property

#467

⇓

was a man who eats what he wants,

#468

⇓

drinks what he wants,

#469

⇓

wears...what he wants.

#470

⇓

It is a lifestyle most high school kids would kill for.

#471

⇓

It's sad to me that you can't see that.

#472

⇓

The only embarrassing part of my day

#473

⇓

is the 55 minutes I have to spend here.

#474

⇓

*

#475

⇓

One more thing, though.

#476

⇓

Does anyone have anything to say about

#477

⇓

Dumbledore?

#478

⇓

- Well, actually... - Dumbledore was clearly...

#479

⇓

- Pipe down! Stop!

#480

⇓

Stop. Pipe down, pipe down.

#481

⇓

One at a time. Let's start with...Dan.

#482

⇓

You have the floor.

#483

⇓

- If you're so embarrassed to teach this class,

#484

⇓

Miles is probably the last person

#485

⇓

you want getting that picture.

#486

⇓

He won't, if you give the bio textbooks back.

#487

⇓

Like you said: Give them what they want.

#488

⇓

*

#489

⇓

- Ha.

#490

⇓

One chapter. Of my choosing.

#491

⇓

From the middle of the book.

#492

⇓

- All right, Dan! - Way to go, Dan!

#493

⇓

- Yeah, Dan! - All right, Dan.

#494

⇓

- You're rooted. You're rooted, okay?

#495

⇓

No compromise.

#496

⇓

Hey, Jack, I am done compromising.

#497

⇓

Now, we have blown way past the sign on this one.

#498

⇓

Your class's lab equipment is due to be upgraded,

#499

⇓

but you're just gonna have to do without.

#500

⇓

- Sounds good.

#501

⇓

You can do that, and you're not gonna shortchange the students?

#502

⇓

- Won't affect the lesson plan at all.

#503

⇓

*

#504

⇓

Never compromise.

#505

⇓