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Home » Tommy Boy » S01E01 — Tommy Boy

Tommy Boy

Season 1, Episode 1 — Tommy Boy

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Terrific.

terrific

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♪ Now, baby, when you sigh I wanna sigh with you ♪

baby sigh

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♪ When you cry I wanna cry some too ♪

↓

♪ Now, ain't that love ♪

aint love

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♪ Oh, bring that love ♪

bring love

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♪ That I feel in my heart with you ♪

heart

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♪ When your friends Turn their back on you ♪

friends

↓

♪ I'll be here just to see you through ♪

↓

♪ Ain't that love, baby That I feel in my heart for you ♪

aint baby heart love

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♪ Oh, play it, son ♪

↓

♪ Now, ain't that love ♪

aint love

↓

♪ Ain't that love ♪

aint love

↓

♪ Come on, now Ain't that love, now ♪

aint love

↓

♪ Ain't that love, baby That I feel in my heart for you ♪

aint baby heart love

↓

♪ Here comes the bride ♪

bride comes

↓

♪ All dressed in... ♪ Stair!

dressed stair

↓

♪ White ♪

white

↓

♪ Follow the sound of my voice Right here ♪

follow sound voice

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♪ Stop right there! ♪

↓

Okay, open your eyes.

eyes open

↓

It's a 3D seating chart.

chart

↓

- Built to scale, naturally. - Wow!

built naturally scale

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Each action figure corresponds to the personality

action figure personality

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and/or appearance of our guest.

appearance guest

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- Babe, this is incredible! - You like it?

babe incredible

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- Yeah, I like it. I love it. - Mmm.

love

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Aw!

↓

Ooh!

↓

Who's He-Man?

↓

What do you mean, "Who's He-Man?"

↓

Oh!

↓

Look at his butt cheeks, then look at mine.

butt cheeks

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- Tell me it's not the same. - Mmm-hmm. Yep, I see it now.

↓

All right! So what do we think? Bride gets final say.

bride final

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- Those are your parents, right? - Mmm-hmm.

parents

↓

Do you think we could add two more to that table?

table

↓

My parents just emailed that they're coming.

coming parents

↓

- Are you kidding? What? - Yeah.

kidding

↓

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Parker.

parker

↓

Yes! Oh, I get to meet your parents, finally!

finally meet parents

↓

Whoo-hoo!

whoo

↓

Oh, okay.

↓

I'm gonna marry this guy.

marry

↓

Oh, gosh, that is... Oh, you have to be so psyched.

gosh psyched

↓

Are you psyched? You're not psyched. Are you psyched at all?

psyched

↓

- Is there any psyched happening? - Yeah. Yeah, no, I…

psyched

↓

It's… It's totally great. I just…

↓

I've told you. They can be…

↓

They can be a lot.

↓

Okay, have you met my parents?

parents

↓

I only picked Skeletor and Medusa

picked

↓

because they don't make Stalin and Lizzie Borden dolls.

dolls

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Yeah, I'd probably regret it one day if my parents didn't come to my wedding.

parents regret wedding

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Yes, you would. We're gonna get through this.

↓

'Cause there is nothing He-Man and the pink Power Ranger

pink power ranger

↓

can't handle together.

handle

↓

Unless Hordak shows up at the wedding.

shows wedding

↓

Is that a deep cut He-Man reference?

deep reference

↓

Yeah-ha!

↓

Oh, I love you.

love

↓

Oh, I love you too.

love

↓

♪ Gravy gettin' buck ♪

buck gettin gravy

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♪ Every time I get up in it ♪

↓

♪ Always pull up With a plethora of women… ♪

pull women

↓

Your Aunt Linda, she's allergic to nickel.

allergic aunt linda nickel

↓

Does the silverware have nickel?

nickel

↓

I don't know, Mom.

↓

Cheap silverware has nickel. Nickel-plated, okay?

cheap nickel

↓

You're not gonna skimp on the silverware?

↓

I'll make sure we have high-quality, nickel-free silverware.

free nickel quality

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- Okay? - Good.

↓

But that's not why I called. I've got good news.

called news

↓

Parker's parents can come to the wedding.

parents wedding

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Hello?

↓

Guys, I know you're there, I can hear Dad's nose whistle.

dads nose whistle

↓

I'm sorry, what kinda parents skip their own daughter's wedding?

daughters kinda parents skip wedding

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They're not skipping it! That's the thing, they're not!

skipping

↓

Oh, please.

↓

I'm sorry, they were living with the Yanomami tribe in the Amazon.

amazon living tribe

↓

It's not exactly easy for them to travel.

easy travel

↓

No wonder Parker became a stripper.

became parker stripper wonder

↓

She's not a stripper! I've told you a million times!

million million-times stripper times

↓

She runs a yoga studio! A very successful one!

runs studio successful yoga

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Oh, I didn't know that.

↓

Yes, you knew that! I invited you to a class.

class invited

↓

You expect your mother to get on a pole?

expect mother pole

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- There's no pole! It's a yoga studio! - I'll bet business is booming.

booming business pole studio yoga

↓

It is booming. Not in the way I think you're inferring.

booming

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- I'm just saying. - Please.

↓

Please, can we just not make it weird? Just this one time?

weird

↓

- Weird? - We're not weird! You're weird!

weird

↓

Your father and I have been talking about it recently.

father recently

↓

You've become weird, Owen.

become owen weird

↓

It's true!

↓

And you never behaved like that before you met this stripper!

behaved stripper

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♪ Light the blunts up When I walk in the building ♪

building light walk

↓

♪ Gravy gettin' buck Every time I get up in it ♪

buck gettin gravy

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♪ Always pull up With a plethora of women ♪

pull women

↓

♪ I be like "Yup, ooh, that's how I be living" ♪

living

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♪ Mama say, "What's up?" She trying to get it ♪

mama

↓

Boop.

boop

↓

Let me get this straight. You haven't met this woman's parents yet?

parents straight womans

↓

No. It's not that weird.

weird

↓

They've been off the grid the whole time we've been together.

grid whole

↓

That's so fucking weird, man.

fucking weird

↓

Owen, I don't wanna hurt your feelings,

feelings hurt owen

↓

but when you first told us about Parker, we thought you were makin' her up.

makin parker

↓

That does hurt my feelings.

feelings hurt

↓

But it shouldn't hurt your feelings, because I've never seen you with nobody,

feelings hurt nobody seen

↓

so I'm like, "This can't be a real woman. Maybe it's a mannequin or a sex doll."

doll mannequin real real-woman woman

↓

But guess what? She was real.

real

↓

When I saw her, I was like, "Girl, you alive!"

alive girl

↓

This motherfucker made this fairy tale come true.

fairy fairy-tale motherfucker tale

↓

Because I didn't believe shit you said at first.

believe

↓

This couldn't be hurting my feelings any more.

feelings hurting

↓

What we're saying is, is that whatever spell or potion you used

potion spell used

↓

to trick that woman into liking you isn't gonna work on her parents.

liking parents trick woman

↓

Oh, you're worried about me with parents?

parents worried

↓

The only people that love me more than parents? Grandparents.

grandparents love parents

↓

You sit me next to a grandma at dinner, watch the sparks fly.

dinner grandma sparks watch

↓

Oh, this is the diaper! She did it again!

diaper

↓

Hey! Hey! Just...

↓

Uh, why am I even doing this? This isn't my job. This is Gary's job.

↓

Guys, where's Gary?

gary

↓

All right, no more "accidentally" locking Gary in the vault. I'm serious.

accidentally gary locking serious

↓

It's this new security system you designed.

designed security system

↓

- Shit is mad complicated. - It should be. It's a vault.

complicated

↓

It's state-of-the-art. No one's getting in this bad boy.

ones state

↓

Oh! Is this the same one Phoebe King has?

king

↓

- Essentially. - Who is Phoebe King?

essentially king

↓

Phoebe King manages Atlas Reserve, the top bank in the state.

atlas bank king reserve state

↓

Not a top bank. Mmm-mmm.

bank

↓

There's not, like, an official ranking or anything.

official ranking

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100% is, they wrote a whole article. Yeah, that's the top bank in the state.

article bank state whole wrote

↓

It's a good bank, decent bank. Clean.

bank clean decent

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Last conference, Owen got called out by Phoebe King,

called conference king owen

↓

by her saying that a Butterball turkey could break into our vault.

break turkey

↓

I don't exactly remember it like that.

remember

↓

And she called you a dickless troll.

called dickless troll

↓

- Oh! - Damn!

↓

Now, I tried not to laugh,

laugh tried

↓

but I couldn't help it 'cause it was fucking hysterical.

fucking hysterical

↓

- Imagining you without a dick. - Ooh!

dick imagining

↓

Just nothing but a smooth surface, no genitalia at all.

genitalia smooth surface

↓

Dickless troll, that's borderline unprofessional.

borderline dickless troll unprofessional

↓

Fucking hilarious.

fucking hilarious

↓

And you know what? I'd love to see a Butterball turkey break into this.

break love turkey

↓

♪ She left me roses by the stairs ♪

left roses stairs

↓

Hey, Gary.

gary

↓

You're lucky I had mints in my pocket. I could have starved in here.

lucky mints pocket starved

↓

For probably the 50th time,

↓

there's an emergency escape latch on the inside of the door.

door emergency escape

↓

Every vault has one.

↓

And like I keep telling you…

telling

↓

I can't find it!

↓

God damn, Gary.

gary

↓

So, um, Parker,

parker

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um, I understand that your parents are doing the right thing

parents

↓

and coming to your wedding.

coming wedding

↓

Isn't that nice? It's very nice!

↓

- Yes, it is! Thanks, Mom. - Yeah. Super nice.

super thanks

↓

She hasn't seen her parents for a very long time.

parents seen

↓

I know. I know.

↓

- How come they're not showing up? - They live in a cave in the jungle.

cave jungle live showing

↓

- Like Bin Laden? - A little like Bin Laden, right.

laden

↓

- Um, that's… That's not it. - It's okay, I got it.

↓

- Can I see your tattoos again? - Oh, um, not right now.

tattoos

↓

Your Aunt Margie isn't the biggest fan, so, shh.

aunt biggest

↓

She said you got them so you could get bigger tips when you strip.

bigger strip tips

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- Uh, once again, I'm not a stripper. - My boyfriend's gonna get a tattoo.

boyfriends stripper tattoo

↓

- Oh, yeah? Of what? - My name across his lower back.

lower name

↓

Hey, cuz!

↓

Jesus! Hi, buddy. Well, don't…

buddy jesus

↓

How come I wasn't invited to the, uh, bachelor party?

bachelor bachelor-party invited party

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- You know I'm, like, an EMT now, right? - I do know that, yeah.

↓

Yeah, well, I'd love to give you a ride in the ambulance.

ambulance love ride

↓

- You know, hit the siren, zip around town. - That's fun.

fun siren town

↓

Yeah, maybe, uh, flatline you in the back, go to the other side.

side

↓

Ask Grandpa Seymour what it was like dying by, you know…

dying grandpa seymour

↓

Okay, stop it. All right.

↓

- Why is he doing that? - That was a rumor. Stop.

rumor

↓

No, man. She walked in on it. She was so sad when she found him.

found walked

↓

Guy's a legend, died beating off.

beating died legend

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I'm getting a phone call. Lucky for me. I didn't even plan this.

lucky phone plan

↓

This just happened coincidentally. Hey, storage space!

happened space storage

↓

Ah, thanks for returning my call!

returning thanks

↓

- This is Owen Browning again. - What the fuck do you want?

fuck owen

↓

Well, I'm getting married in a week,

married week

↓

so I'm putting together a little photo montage.

photo putting

↓

But here's the thing, I don't have any photos of my fiancée's family.

family photos

↓

And rumor has it that they actually have a unit in your storage facility.

facility rumor storage unit

↓

Um, it should be under the name McDermott.

name

↓

Do… Do you have the locker?

locker

↓

- Oh, my God! - I'm on fire!

fire

↓

- EMT! - Oh, shit.

↓

Soy sauce!

sauce

↓

Mom! That's not water!

water

↓

Yeah. You told me to call if anyone asked about the McDermott locker.

asked locker

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McDermott locker?

locker

↓

Yes.

↓

Do you have a name?

name

↓

Owen Browning.

owen

↓

These diamonds are shit.

diamonds

↓

What is it?

↓

It's silly. I thought that…

silly

↓

I thought that button was a trap door to a shark tank or something.

button door shark tank trap

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Trap door? No!

door trap

↓

I just wanted someone to come clean up this mess.

clean mess wanted

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- What mess? - You.

mess

↓

"Shark tank."

shark tank

↓

Call the aquarium!

↓

Does your dad always keep an extra shirt in the trunk of his car?

extra shirt trunk

↓

Ha! Yeah, well…

↓

It's not the first time he caught on fire in a restaurant.

caught fire restaurant

↓

And then how about when your niece asked me

asked niece

↓

if my neck flaps in the wind when I ride a bicycle?

bicycle neck ride wind

↓

Thank you for not being offended.

offended

↓

They are truly disturbed people.

disturbed truly

↓

Ugh, God. Now, you're gonna have to meet my family.

family meet

↓

- Are you worried they won't like me? - No, not at all. Are you?

worried

↓

No! Mmm-mmm.

↓

Not liking you is like not liking Mr. Rogers.

liking rogers

↓

The Notorious F-R-E…

↓

D.

↓

- When do they come into town? - Not until the night before the wedding.

night town wedding

↓

Oh! That gives me just enough time.

gives

↓

Oh, yeah? Time for what?

↓

I've got something special planned.

planned special

↓

Oh! Is that right?

↓

Love it.

love

↓

Oh! Oh, you scared me.

scared

↓

Okay, yeah, yeah. Do that thing you like to do.

↓

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

↓

♪ Get some, get some ♪

↓

♪ Get up and have fun We lookin' so fly ♪

fun lookin

↓

♪ Everybody get down to get some… ♪

everybody

↓

Wow! Somebody balled out at Michaels crafts.

somebody

↓

Just makin' some prezzies for Parker's parents.

makin parents

↓

If you do me a favor, could you not say the word "prezzies"?

favor word

↓

Know what I mean? Just own it, brother. You do arts and crafts.

arts brother

↓

You're a craft man.

craft

↓

I think it's sexy as hell when a man is passionate about something.

passionate sexy

↓

- Thank you, Marisol. - Just not this pussy shit.

pussy

↓

Man, shut the fuck up, Gary. God damn.

fuck gary

↓

Thanks for going to the store. I was dreading that.

store thanks

↓

No problemo.

problemo

↓

Hey, I got that tofu you like. I know my girl likes her tofu extra firm.

extra firm girl likes tofu

↓

Yeah. I like my tofu like I like my men.

tofu

↓

Real hard.

hard real real-hard

↓

Oh, okay.

↓

All this talk is making me think that we might be boinkin' tonight.

might tonight

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

I'm gonna twist you like one of your Go-Gurts and slurp you dry.

twist

↓

Oh! Oh…

↓

Uh, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, I'm willing to try anything.

willing

↓

- I guess I'll start stretching. - Okay, babe, love you!

babe love start stretching

↓

I love you too! Oop.

love

↓

Okay!

↓

♪ Oh, sweet Parker ♪

parker sweet

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♪ The time has come ♪

↓

♪ We'll be boinkin' till the morning sun ♪

morning till

↓

♪ I swear ♪

swear

↓

♪ I care ♪

care

↓

♪ Pickle chips ♪

chips pickle

↓

♪ Ritz Stackables ♪

↓

♪ 'Cause tonight we're going to bone... ♪

bone tonight

↓

Hi, Owen.

owen

↓

No, you don't!

↓

- Oh, shit! Well done. - Oh, shit.

↓

- Oh, I'm so sorry, honey. - You all right there, Owen?

honey owen

↓

She took a self-defense class. Looks like money well spent.

class defense money self spent

↓

Please don't kill me.

kill

↓

- Let's get this little shit up. Come on. - Yeah, let's get him. Come on, get up.

↓

There you go. We're not gonna kill you. We're Parker's parents.

kill parents

↓

Mmm-hmm.

↓

- Oh! Okay. - Yeah.

↓

Okay, yeah!

↓

Well, Mr. and Mrs. McDermott, it is an honor to...

honor

↓

Oh! Come here! Come here!

↓

Let's forget the formalities, shall we? "Mr. McDermott," all that crap.

forget

↓

- Yeah. - Call me Billy.

billy

↓

Okay, Billy.

billy

↓

Oh, well, you must be Parker's dad because you two kiss exactly the same.

kiss must

↓

- I'm Lilly. - Hey, Lilly.

lilly

↓

- Yeah, thanks, that's good. - Okay, yeah.

thanks

↓

- Mom? - Oh, look who's here!

↓

- Aw, baby! Oh, my God! - Dad? What?

baby

↓

You're here! What are you doing here?

↓

Yeah, the flight was early, and, uh… Actually, you were singing.

early flight singing

↓

I heard you singing a little ditty about boinking our daughter.

daughter heard singing

↓

Really?

↓

Uh, just a little ditty that I was doing in private.

private

↓

Didn't know it was, uh, in front of my future in-laws.

front future laws

↓

- How'd… How'd you guys get in? - The door was unlocked.

door howd unlocked

↓

That is weird, 'cause I never forget to lock the front door.

door forget front front-door lock weird

↓

Are you calling my wife a liar? Huh?

calling liar wife

↓

You calling my wife a liar? Is that it?

calling liar wife

↓

I just walk in here and now you're accusing her?

accusing walk

↓

You want me to hit your face...

face

↓

Ha-ha-ha!

↓

You were joking! It's a joke!

joke joking

↓

It's a joke! It's a joke! Okay!

joke

↓

So, how do you like your prezzies?

↓

I'm wearing it, aren't I?

wearing

↓

Well, should we tell them our story? We have a really cute meet-cute.

cute meet story

↓

It's, uh, you're gonna love this story.

love story

↓

There's one thing you need to know about me, my family has hip issues.

family issues

↓

And, obviously, wanted to get ahead of it.

ahead obviously wanted

↓

Went to the doctor. She said, "Have you tried yoga?"

doctor tried yoga

↓

Got a coupon.

coupon

↓

Went to my first yoga class…

class yoga yoga-class

↓

It was my class.

class

↓

I was teaching the class! I mean, what are the odds?

class odds teaching

↓

- Crazy! - Right?

crazy

↓

That's amazing.

amazing

↓

So then I noticed that halfway through the class, Owen's in child's pose.

childs class halfway noticed pose

↓

Yep. Okay, so get this.

↓

Okay, I'm in child's pose.

childs pose

↓

And while I'm in child's pose, I pass out, but no one notices. Look.

childs notices pass pose

↓

Look.

↓

If I was unconscious right now, you couldn't even tell.

unconscious

↓

- Right? - Oh, yeah.

↓

So then everyone leaves, class is over,

class leaves

↓

and I notice that Owen's still in child's pose.

childs notice pose

↓

And I think to myself,

↓

"Oh, fuck. This guy just died. He's dead. He's a goner."

dead died fuck goner

↓

- Mmm-mmm. But I didn't. - Nope.

nope

↓

Then, when Parker unfolded me, and I came to,

parker

↓

I looked up at her big, beautiful smile, and I realized…

looked realized smile

↓

"This is the woman I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with."

life rest spend woman

↓

- And you were right. - Yes, I was.

↓

Aww.

↓

- And then you asked her out. - No, actually.

asked

↓

I went to her class for a year and a half and she finally asked me out.

asked class finally half

↓

♪ Honey dew, honey dew, honey dew ♪

honey

↓

♪ Honey dew, honey dew, honey dew ♪

honey

↓

I can't find anyone to cover my class,

class cover

↓

so I'm just gonna have to cancel.

cancel

↓

- Mmm-mmm. - Make sure my parents are okay.

parents

↓

I'm not gonna let you get in trouble at work.

trouble

↓

I have 178 sick days already saved up. I already called in.

called days saved sick

↓

- It's not about... No... Actually, babe... - I got you, don't worry about it!

babe worry

↓

- Don't worry, I got it! Oh, hey! - Aw!

worry

↓

- Good morning, future family. - Hi!

family future morning

↓

- Good morning! Morning, Dad. - Nice to see you. Good morning.

morning

↓

So I have to go into work today, but Owen is taking his first day off

owen today

↓

since he started at the bank, he's gonna show you guys around.

bank started

↓

- Right, babe? - Exciting!

babe exciting

↓

I don't like my tushy touched, and she finds it hilarious.

finds hilarious touched

↓

- I do! - It scares me… something about it.

scares

↓

- All right, well, I'll see you tonight. - Okay. Bye.

tonight

↓

- You two, behave. All right? Be nice. - Bye, bye, darling.

behave darling

↓

- It means a lot to him. Be good. - Love you. We'll be good.

love

↓

- Bye! Love you! - Bye!

love

↓

Okay! Oh! You want some OJ? Good. Good, good, good.

↓

I do.

↓

So, hope you guys are hungry,

hope hungry

↓

because I've got…

↓

baked eggs Florentine.

baked eggs

↓

We have some roasted...

roasted

↓

Got in there deep.

deep

↓

Okay, uh… Well, enough about breakfast.

breakfast

↓

I hope you're ready to have some fun because I got us tickets

fun hope ready tickets

↓

to a South American pottery exhibition.

american south

↓

Why?

↓

Because you guys were living with the Yanomami tribe in the Amazon…

amazon living tribe

↓

Oh! Oh, yeah.

↓

…who obviously are known for their exquisite pottery.

known obviously

↓

We spent so many years with that tribe that we're all potteried out.

spent tribe years

↓

All right, well, let's go to the next step of our adventure.

adventure step

↓

The Holocaust Museum!

holocaust museum

↓

Honestly, I've been there, like… I would… They've got an amazing food court!

amazing court food food-court

↓

Okay!

↓

Look, we're not into pottery and we're not into Holocaust awareness.

awareness holocaust

↓

Fine. What do you guys want to do?

↓

Pull the chute! Pull the chute!

pull

↓

Not until you convince me why I should let you marry my daughter!

convince daughter marry

↓

Oh, God! She's my best friend, and I love her!

best best-friend friend love

↓

Oh, God! Oh, God!

↓

- I dog sit! I tip 20%! - Not good enough!

↓

I'll never have sex with her again.

↓

- Keep going! - I'm pulling the cord!

cord pulling

↓

That's my cock, you idiot!

cock idiot

↓

You know, I was thinking about choosing a Shrek character,

character choosing shrek thinking

↓

because it's my favorite, but I don't know,

favorite

↓

this moon is really speaking to me, right?

moon speaking

↓

Okay. That looks pretty...

↓

Ow! What? What...

↓

Ahh!

↓

Ahh!

↓

Whoo!

whoo

↓

Let's go! Oh, man.

↓

Could you guys believe I got a tattoo?

believe tattoo

↓

Who even am I right now? This is a tattoo, it's a moon.

moon tattoo

↓

I'm like a wolf.

wolf

↓

Bill, why don't you get us another round? I'm not nearly drunk enough.

another another-round bill drunk nearly round

↓

That's a good idea, Lilly.

idea lilly

↓

I'll come with! Let's go!

↓

Mind the shoes, Owen.

mind owen shoes

↓

My bad, Mister Dad.

mister

↓

Okay, that one was a little on you,

↓

'cause you didn't turn around that quickly. That's okay.

quickly

↓

- Sit! - Yeah.

↓

Stay.

↓

Okay!

↓

- I'll be right back. - Oh, no.

↓

I'll go. You keep him company. All right?

company

↓

God! He is just the coolest, isn't he?

coolest

↓

It is so awesome that you get to have sex with him.

awesome

↓

- Really? - And he smells so good!

smells

↓

It smells like…

smells

↓

sandalwood and…

↓

and danger.

danger

↓

- It's Stetson. Cologne. - Is that what that is?

cologne

↓

How you doing, big fella?

fella

↓

Nice to see you again, Billy. You look hella fine.

billy hella

↓

Ah, if you say so.

↓

So tell me, what does a bank manager do, exactly?

bank manager

↓

What does a bank manager not do?

bank manager

↓

I manage all of the employees.

employees manage

↓

And we have 12.

↓

Really?

↓

And I handle all the security, the whole dang bank.

bank dang handle security whole

↓

- How did you find us? - That little cunt over there.

cunt

↓

He called about the storage locker.

called locker storage

↓

- Did he? - New colleague?

colleague

↓

Uh, no, he's just a family friend.

family friend

↓

He's an idiot. Doesn't know what's going on.

idiot

↓

He looks like a fucking idiot.

fucking fucking-idiot idiot

↓

- Yup. - Billy!

billy

↓

That guy rocks!

rocks

↓

Yuck.

yuck

↓

Jesus, there you are. Oh, you smell like my stepdad's car.

jesus smell

↓

So, uh, how did it go with your in-laws?

laws

↓

Was it regular bad, or like really, really terrible?

regular

↓

It was incredible.

incredible

↓

I've never met anyone like these people before.

↓

We went skydiving.

↓

We got very drunk.

drunk

↓

I did a little dancing.

dancing

↓

I finally felt like I was part of the cool crowd in high school,

cool crowd finally part school

↓

like I'm a skateboarder, or like I vandalize stuff or something.

stuff

↓

I don't, but it feels like I could.

feels

↓

It was fun. It was almost too much fun.

fun

↓

Let's just pray to the banking gods that we have a nice, chill day.

chill gods pray

↓

Everyone, on the ground, now!

ground

↓

Ground! Let's go!

ground

↓

Move!

↓

Go.

↓

You, hurry up.

hurry

↓

Get down! Get down!

↓

Two minutes.

minutes

↓

Look, listen, listen. I am fully cooperating in every way.

fully

↓

And in that spirit, I have to let you know

spirit

↓

that this is a state-of-the-art, completely impenetrable security system.

completely security state system

↓

And there is no way you can pass there in under two...

pass

↓

That was an extremely lucky guess.

extremely lucky

↓

So you know about the fingerprint bypass?

bypass

↓

However, this is where our journey ends, because there's...

ends journey

↓

Shut up! Read.

read

↓

How did you...

↓

Read!

read

↓

"She left me roses by the stairs."

left roses stairs

↓

Don't fuck with me.

fuck

↓

Do not fuck with me!

fuck

↓

♪ She left me roses by the stairs ♪

left roses stairs

↓

"Surprises let me know she cares."

cares surprises

↓

Thirty seconds.

seconds thirty

↓

- Thanks for letting me out. - You're welcome.

letting thanks welcome

↓

In there.

↓

- Okay! Okay! - Fill that up.

fill

↓

Did you want any small bills in case you have to tip or anything?

bills case

↓

Shut the fuck up!

fuck

↓

Sandalwood? And danger.

danger

↓

Faster, move!

faster

↓

Stop smiling at me.

smiling

↓

Enough.

↓

Time.

↓

Hey. Hey, look, you know, it's not too late to do the right thing.

late

↓

Oh…

↓

I'm sorry.

↓

Thank you for your cooperation, everyone.

cooperation

↓

Especially you, Owen.

especially owen

↓

You!

↓

They had on top-notch body armor, they had on face mask.

armor body face mask notch

↓

Stuff I've never seen before, and I know about a lot of good stuff.

seen stuff

↓

The type of training I did… I know when I see bad guys walking in.

training type walking

↓

So I tried to stop 'em myself, but, um… I slipped.

slipped tried

↓

Could we not write that down?

write

↓

I ain't see shit, I don't know shit, I don't talk to cops.

aint cops

↓

…a million times, I can't find the latch.

million million-times times

↓

You deal with the security?

deal security

↓

I'm the boss!

boss

↓

It's the best job in the world.

best world

↓

You're adorable.

adorable

↓

The first part is a numerical code and it's my childhood phone number.

childhood code number part phone phone-number

↓

- Good one. Of course. - It's 402-896-6860. It's easy.

course easy

↓

♪ By the stairs ♪

stairs

↓

You gotta get a little nasally, act like you're British, but you're not.

british

↓

They're from San Diego.

diego

↓

Owen? Oh, my God! But...

owen

↓

Are you okay?

↓

We came as soon as we heard.

heard

↓

"We"?

↓

I'm Special Agent Roger Oldham, FBI.

agent roger special

↓

So what can you tell me about the folks that robbed your bank?

bank folks robbed

↓

Can you describe them for me physically? Anything?

describe physically

↓

No, no, can't. They were wearing masks.

masks wearing

↓

Does the name "The Ghost Bandits" mean anything to you?

ghost name

↓

Yeah, I'm a bank manager.

bank manager

↓

They're the most notorious bank robbers in American history.

american bank history robbers

↓

They robbed over a hundred banks.

banks hundred robbed

↓

They move from state to state,

state

↓

sometimes they disappear for years at a time.

disappear sometimes years

↓

Do you think...

↓

Do you think it was… the Ghost Bandits that robbed this bank?

bank ghost robbed

↓

Everything in my gut tells me it's them.

tells

↓

Except one thing has been bugging me.

bugging except

↓

How they gained access to your vault.

access gained

↓

It's all right, Owen. It's okay.

owen

↓

Breathe, breathe.

breathe

↓

- There you go, in through your nose. - Blow it out.

blow nose

↓

- Give it a big blow. Good boy. - Blow, blow, blow.

blow

↓

Jesus.

jesus

↓

Oh.

↓

Okay, you know what? We're done here, all right? That's enough.

↓

- You've probably had enough. - Very emotional.

emotional

↓

Well done, Owen.

owen

↓

Mmm.

↓

In case anything jogs your memory…

case memory

↓

the top number, 24/7.

number

↓

The bottom number…

bottom number

↓

don't call that one.

↓

Do we think we might be a little more comfortable

comfortable might

↓

if someone was in the front seat?

front front-seat seat

↓

Nope.

nope

↓

- Mmm. - We're here for you.

↓

Yeah.

↓

Come on.

↓

Bingo.

bingo

↓

Whose car is this?

↓

It's yours, Owen. It's all yours.

owen

↓

Isn't that nice? My parents got us a car without asking us first.

asking parents

↓

It's just a little wedding present.

present wedding

↓

We thought you deserved something better than that, uh, wussy wagon of yours.

deserved wagon

↓

So this is what you were doing all day? You were buying a hot rod?

buying

↓

There's something about it that just screams Owen T. Browning.

owen screams

↓

- Don't you agree? - Yeah! It's got your name all over it!

agree name

↓

I love it! Oh, yeah!

love

↓

I love it, thank you. Um, I can't wait to drive it.

drive love

↓

- Want to take it for a spin now? - No.

spin

↓

I'm like 85% certain it's them. I have to tell Parker.

certain parker

↓

If you falsely accuse your fiancée's parents of robbing a bank,

accuse bank parents robbing

↓

that is relationship suicide!

relationship suicide

↓

So what am I supposed to do, hmm? Pretend like it didn't happen?

happen pretend supposed

↓

Hell, yes!

↓

Let me tell you something, I spent 80% of my life acting like shit didn't happen.

acting happen life spent

↓

Three weeks ago, I spilled some Lucky Charms in my bed,

charms lucky spilled three three-weeks weeks

↓

I still ain't said shit about it.

aint

↓

And, besides, didn't you tell me you gave them the code to the vault?

besides code

↓

Well, yeah, but I was wasted and I was trying to impress them.

impress wasted

↓

Yeah, that means if they robbed the bank,

bank robbed

↓

you did too.

↓

No, I didn't.

↓

- You gave them the fuckin' code! - Are you saying I'm an accessory?

code fuckin

↓

No, you ain't no accessory, you are the fucking mastermind!

aint fucking mastermind

↓

This is gangster! Okay, look, can I be honest with you?

gangster honest

↓

I steal, too, from the bank. That's right.

bank steal

↓

I haven't bought toilet paper in seven years.

bought paper seven seven-years toilet toilet-paper years

↓

- That was you? - Mmm-hmm!

↓

From the men's and the ladies' bathroom. Come on, that's execution.

bathroom execution ladies mens

↓

I don't care about the toilet paper. I don't care about the toilet paper.

care paper toilet toilet-paper

↓

- Hey! Okay, goodbye, thank you. - Hey! Who was that?

goodbye

↓

The baker. They just called.

baker called

↓

They said there was a big commotion over there and they can't make the cake.

cake commotion

↓

Wait, what? You're serious?

serious

↓

- I know! - What happened?

happened

↓

- The baker died. - Oh, my God!

baker died

↓

- How? - Kicked in the chest by a horse.

chest horse kicked

↓

- Jesus! - Yeah.

jesus

↓

Heart exploded on impact.

exploded heart impact

↓

- Oh, my God. - I know.

↓

Hey, don't be sad! Hey, don't be sad!

↓

It's okay, 'cause the… the baker was racist.

baker racist

↓

- Yeah, like, a bad racist. - Are there good racists?

racist

↓

Well, my grandmother, so… Anyway, what's up?

grandmother

↓

Uh, my parents made samosas, so I was just coming to tell you.

coming parents

↓

How light and fun! Samosas! I love that.

fun light love

↓

- Okay, I'll see you down there. - Just take your time.

↓

- All right? - It'll be okay.

itll

↓

- It's all right, we'll get a new cake. - All right. Yeah.

cake

↓

Definitely not a racist this time. All right, love you.

love racist

↓

Hi.

↓

I'm going to need to cancel a cake order.

cake cancel order

↓

Yeah, my fiancée was kicked in the head by a horse.

head horse kicked

↓

Huh.

↓

Why are you so nervous, Owen?

nervous owen

↓

So, I know this might sound crazy,

crazy might sound sound-crazy

↓

but I think Parker's parents

parents

↓

might be criminals.

criminals might

↓

- Yeah! - Well, of course they're criminals.

course criminals

↓

Why do you think they're skipping their daughter's wedding?

daughters skipping wedding

↓

They're coming to the fucking wedding! Okay?

coming fucking wedding

↓

They're literally coming! We're...

coming

↓

Okay.

↓

I think that they are the people that robbed my bank.

bank robbed

↓

- No! How do you know? - I don't.

↓

But I'm not gonna turn Parker's life upside down unless I do know for a fact,

fact life upside

↓

so I need your help, okay?

↓

Okay, okay, here they come. Do that thing you guys do.

↓

What thing?

↓

That thing where you ask highly-invasive, inappropriate personal questions.

highly inappropriate invasive personal questions

↓

Hmm? Okay, come on!

↓

Hi, guys! Hey!

↓

Honey. You sure you're up for this?

honey

↓

- Yeah, you? - Oh, yeah. I took a weed gummy.

weed

↓

Smart! Billy and Lilly McDermott, meet my parents Neil and Margie Browning.

billy lilly meet neil parents smart

↓

- Pleasure to me you, Neil. - It's my pleasure.

neil pleasure

↓

- You're very attractive. - Oh, thank you.

attractive

↓

That's not a compliment. For me, it's too much.

compliment

↓

Well, hi, there.

↓

- Hi, hello. - Hi.

↓

Mmm! Oh, wow!

↓

Speaking of attractive, you have absolutely flawless skin.

absolutely attractive flawless skin speaking

↓

What do you use?

↓

Soap.

soap

↓

- Perhaps we should have some cocktails? - Yeah, cocktails.

cocktails perhaps

↓

The sun is still out.

↓

Okay, we got a table. Let's sit down.

table

↓

It's gonna be fun!

fun

↓

And then I said,

↓

"We don't need a gondolier!"

↓

Lilly, she pushes the wee fella off the boat,

boat fella lilly pushes

↓

and we start paddling up the Grand Canal.

canal grand start

↓

So, Billy, Lilly, let me ask you something.

billy lilly

↓

Yeah, shoot.

shoot

↓

- Have you ever committed a felony? - Mmm-mmm.

committed felony

↓

No, no, no!

↓

Now, if we're gonna be family, we need to know if they're criminals, so…

criminals family

↓

- Stop. Don't. - Give me that. Are you criminals?

criminals

↓

My parents aren't criminals.

criminals parents

↓

No, that's okay, baby.

baby

↓

I'm sure our lifestyle seems a little, um, unconventional to the Brownings.

lifestyle seems

↓

Well, yeah, I mean they live in the jungle with the edamame people.

jungle live

↓

No, that's a bean.

bean

↓

- What's the name? - Yanomami.

name

↓

What'd I say?

whatd

↓

You said edamame, like at a Japanese restaurant.

japanese restaurant

↓

They are the people of waitheri, totihi, peheti.

↓

What is that now?

↓

It's a common Yanomami phrase. I'm sure you've heard it.

common heard phrase

↓

- Honey, what are you doing? - Nothing! Just striking up a convo.

honey striking

↓

Owen, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were quizzing us.

owen

↓

No! It's just… You lived with the Yanomamis for two years.

lived years

↓

I'm sure you know what the phrase "waitheri, totihi, peheti" means.

phrase

↓

It means courage…

courage

↓

beauty, and truth.

beauty truth

↓

And if we seem a little confused, it's because your accent is so atrocious,

accent confused

↓

it's an affront to the Yanomami people and their god!

↓

Owen, what the hell is wrong with you?

owen

↓

Anyway! The Amazon is a wondrous place.

amazon place

↓

You two would love it.

love

↓

Well, we don't travel. Um, Neil has traveler's diarrhea.

diarrhea neil travel travelers

↓

- It's not just when I travel. - Yeah.

travel

↓

Oh, Margie, I bet under that cautious exterior,

cautious exterior

↓

there's a bubbling free spirit waiting to get out.

bubbling free spirit waiting

↓

Oh, no doubt this one was really wild back in the day.

doubt wild

↓

Uh, well, once, before I was pregnant with Owen, I, um…

owen pregnant

↓

Well, I participated in an orgy.

orgy

↓

- What? - Yeah!

↓

- Mom, an orgy? - Yeah!

orgy

↓

An orgy?

orgy

↓

- Yes! - Yep.

↓

I'm probably saying it wrong,

↓

but it's that thing where you go and you just fuck everybody.

everybody fuck

↓

- Oh, yeah, that's an orgy, all right. - I had a lot of orgies.

orgy

↓

That's where she met Dan Marino!

marino

↓

- The football player? - Yeah!

football football-player player

↓

Well, it was either there or JCPenney.

↓

Dan Marino doesn't shop at JCPenney. He's a Hall of Famer.

hall marino shop

↓

You met Dan Marino at the orgy.

marino orgy

↓

- Oh, Jesus Christ! So is Dad my dad? - Of course I'm your dad!

christ course jesus jesus-christ

↓

Don't be ridiculous! Why do you think you have the Browning lower back hair?

hair lower ridiculous

↓

I've seen you play sports, I know sure as shit it wasn't Dan Marino!

marino seen sports

↓

- Wait, what? - Dan Marino!

marino

↓

- Here's to Danny boy. - Danny!

danny

↓

To Danny boy!

danny

↓

Whoo! Touchdown!

touchdown whoo

↓

Hey. Okay, look. So here's me, here's my dad.

↓

The nose, the same beady, little dead eyes.

dead eyes nose

↓

It's the same, right?

↓

- And the lower back hair. - Sweetie, I've seen your back hair.

hair lower seen sweetie

↓

Okay, of course, but you haven't seen my dad's.

course dads seen

↓

- Should we FaceTime him? - No. Can we just talk for a sec?

↓

Yeah!

↓

Everything okay?

↓

What was that at dinner?

dinner

↓

Oh, I don't know, just the fact that Dan Marino fucked my mom.

fact fucked marino

↓

Yeah, I… I know. I know, and your bank got robbed.

bank robbed

↓

And he's a big man.

↓

He is. That's true. Um…

↓

Look, I know you've been through a lot, and that's extremely traumatic,

extremely traumatic

↓

both things,

↓

but is there something else going on?

↓

Whatever it is, you can tell me.

↓

I won't get mad.

↓

Okay?

↓

Okay, all right.

↓

All right.

↓

So the reason I've been acting weird…

acting acting-weird reason weird

↓

I think your parents robbed my bank.

bank parents robbed

↓

What?

↓

- You're being serious? - Yeah, I'm serious!

serious

↓

- One of the robbers knew my name. - It's on the bank website.

bank name robbers website

↓

But when I stepped on his heel, he turned back,

heel stepped turned

↓

and he looked at me just like your dad.

looked

↓

You said they had masks on.

masks

↓

Yes, they were wearing masks, but it was the same

masks wearing

↓

very specific disdain of me.

specific

↓

It's a vibe thing, you know? And…

vibe

↓

And they knew that "She left me roses by the stairs"

left roses stairs

↓

was the voice activation code to get in the vault,

code voice

↓

which I'm pretty sure I told your mom about when I was wasted.

wasted

↓

Right, okay. Well, does anyone else know the code?

code

↓

Just a couple... Just... Yeah.

couple

↓

Tyree, Gary, Marisol.

gary

↓

I think I told my therapist once, but I don't think she listens to me.

listens therapist

↓

- Wow! - Okay.

↓

You were the one who said that they're a lot.

↓

I meant that they have big personalities, not that they rob banks.

banks meant

↓

I'm not saying that they are bank robbers!

bank robbers

↓

I'm saying that there's a possibility that they're bank robbers.

bank possibility robbers

↓

I'm just floating the idea out there.

floating idea

↓

Well, now, I'm just floating the idea that you've lost your fucking mind.

floating fucking idea lost mind

↓

I can't believe we have to take this shit box.

believe

↓

Bank robbing son of a bitch!

bank bitch robbing

↓

Oh, Jesus Christ, this thing moves.

christ jesus jesus-christ moves

↓

Sor… Sorry!

↓

Sorry.

↓

Okay, yep! Sorry!

↓

…the fuck up!

fuck

↓

Whoo!

whoo

↓

Okay. Oh, that was scary.

scary

↓

- Thank you, OnStar. - Happy to help.

happy

↓

The prodigal son has returned, and bearing gifts.

bearing gifts returned

↓

My God. You look like a snack.

snack

↓

I could eat your dick like corn on the cob.

corn dick

↓

Is this Scarface's house? God dang.

dang house

↓

Okay.

↓

Ow! Come on!

↓

Okay.

↓

Now I know why rich people have these.

rich

↓

Can we get on with this?

↓

See, I just don't see any reason why we can't be civil.

civil reason

↓

Besides, if anyone has a right to be angry, it's me.

angry besides

↓

I was the one who was betrayed, right?

betrayed

↓

Oh! Oh, I am so sorry. I'm so sorry, little buddy.

buddy

↓

No, no, no, no, no!

↓

There's just under a million in there.

million

↓

Bravo. Now you just owe me five more.

bravo five

↓

Oh, God!

↓

Mini ones? What, are they cheaper?

cheaper mini ones

↓

We took one million, not six.

million

↓

And have you forgotten how this works?

forgotten works

↓

While you were running, so was the vig.

running

↓

I'm sorry I kicked your friend!

friend kicked

↓

Oh, look at you little guys. You guys are adorable from up here.

adorable

↓

If only you were a wee bit taller.

taller

↓

Ow! Why?

↓

Five million's gonna take us some time, Rehan.

five millions

↓

Do I look like an unreasonable woman?

unreasonable woman

↓

No. You have till end of week.

till week

↓

I'm sorry. Does that interfere with your daughter's wedding?

daughters interfere wedding

↓

Oh, shit!

↓

Are you surprised that I am aware that you have a daughter?

aware daughter surprised

↓

And she…

↓

Let's hypothetically call her, I don't know, Parker?

hypothetically parker

↓

…is getting married on Saturday.

married saturday

↓

If you don't get me

↓

my five million dollars before the wedding, then Parker…

dollars five million million-dollars parker wedding

↓

is marrying the Grim Reaper.

grim marrying

↓

- Meaning she'll be killed. - Yeah, yeah, I get it. I get it.

killed meaning shell

↓

I know you got it, darling.

darling

↓

Did I mention I have a new shark tank?

mention shark tank

↓

Maybe your daughter could test it out for me.

daughter test

↓

Those fuckers are hungry.

fuckers hungry

↓

Shh!

↓

Pick up, Parker!

parker pick

↓

- Parker, pick up! - Thank you for...

parker pick

↓

Son of a...

↓

Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no!

↓

Oh, God!

↓

Okay.

↓

Hey, officer, how can I help you?

officer

↓

License and masturbation, please.

license masturbation

↓

- Okay, good morning. - You look like shit.

morning

↓

And that's coming from a guy

coming

↓

who uses his sock as a filter for his coffee.

coffee filter sock uses

↓

No, I'm doing great.

↓

- Thanks for asking. - Mmm.

asking thanks

↓

There appears to be a dog gnawing on your leg.

appears

↓

Yeah, that's just my little buddy. My little bud.

buddy

↓

We just took a walk in the woods.

walk woods

↓

You know, it's funny,

funny

↓

the Ghost Bandits knew precisely

ghost precisely

↓

how to circumvent the security system in your bank.

bank security system

↓

And when I called SunRidge to find out who designed the system,

called designed system

↓

you know what they said?

↓

Are you insinuating that I had something to do with it?

↓

Do you mind popping the trunk?

mind popping trunk

↓

- Pop the trunk. - Okay, this is insane.

insane trunk

↓

I'll say that. I mean, this is ridiculous.

ridiculous

↓

I haven't committed a crime in my entire life.

committed crime entire entire-life life

↓

Uh-huh.

↓

First time for everything!

↓

Let's see.

↓

We got a couple burner phones,

burner couple phones

↓

two boxes of nine mil, and…

boxes nine

↓

…voice modulator.

voice

↓

Someone put this stuff in my trunk.

stuff trunk

↓

Who, Owen? Who are you working with?

owen working

↓

- Who, Owen? - I…

owen

↓

I don't… I don't know.

↓

Okay, look, I get it. I forget things too sometimes.

forget sometimes

↓

So how about a nice, long weekend in a jail cell to help jog your memory?

cell jail memory weekend

↓

I'm… I'm supposed to get married this weekend.

married supposed weekend

↓

You know, I was married once, to a beautiful woman named Sheryl.

married named woman woman-named

↓

- You know where she is now? - Is she dead?

dead

↓

I wish.

wish

↓

No, she lives in Key West with her new husband.

husband lives west

↓

Former Navy SEAL.

former navy seal

↓

Rock-hard abs, and a cock you can land a 747 on.

cock hard land rock

↓

That's a big plane.

plane

↓

It's a wide plane.

plane wide

↓

Anyway, I became so obsessed with catching the Ghost Bandits

became catching ghost obsessed

↓

that it cost me my marriage.

cost marriage

↓

Hmm?

↓

My house.

house

↓

Maybe even my sanity.

sanity

↓

I mean, after a while, I started wondering if the Ghost Bandits…

ghost started wondering

↓

you know, were real ghosts.

ghosts real

↓

Hey! Let's funnel this energy into getting Sheryl back!

energy funnel

↓

Right? I can make a photo montage.

photo

↓

Don't let this guy with this giant cock win over you!

cock giant

↓

- Lock him up. - Wait, no! My wedding!

lock wedding

↓

Oh, you're gonna have a wedding,

wedding

↓

and quite the bachelor party in D block this weekend.

bachelor bachelor-party block party weekend

↓

It wasn't me.

↓

It was my in-laws.

laws

↓

They robbed my bank, and I did not help them.

bank robbed

↓

They used me.

used

↓

Damn, boy, you flip quick.

flip quick

↓

Prove it. Put on a wire and get 'em to confess.

confess prove wire

↓

- You want me to be a rat? - I want you to do the right thing, Owen.

owen

↓

Clear your name, and help me catch the Ghost Bandits.

catch clear ghost name

↓

And also, yes, be a little bit of a rat.

↓

Parker.

parker

↓

Parker! Hey, Parker!

parker

↓

- There you are! Where you been? - We have to talk.

↓

- Why are you pinching your chest? - Because I'm wearing a...

chest wearing

↓

Whoa, gosh! A… soft shirt! Whoa!

gosh shirt soft whoa

↓

Feels like my fingers are at a finger spa.

feels finger fingers

↓

- Really? Looks pretty starchy... - Don't touch me!

touch

↓

I'm sorry. It's just…

↓

the in-laws aren't supposed to touch the groom before the wedding.

groom laws supposed touch wedding

↓

- That's horseshit. - Are you high right now, Owen?

owen

↓

I don't do illegal things, unlike other people.

illegal unlike

↓

Other people do… illegal things, and I'm cool with that too.

cool illegal

↓

And if we want to talk about that and just sort of get things off our chest…

chest

↓

Okay, uh, we gotta go, 'cause we gotta be at the bakery.

bakery

↓

The bakery! Yep!

bakery

↓

Okay, I think me and you should just go to the bakery,

bakery

↓

just because our baker died, we gotta get a new cake.

baker cake died

↓

Perhaps we should all just go together. One big happy family.

family happy perhaps

↓

You guys don't wanna run errands.

errands

↓

I do.

↓

Of course we do. Who doesn't like desserts?

course

↓

Well, they're vegan desserts, and we all know that they taste like shit.

taste vegan

↓

I'm sorry, Parker, but I'm being honest with you.

honest parker

↓

They taste like shit, okay?

taste

↓

So you guys should stay, we should go eat the shit. Come on.

↓

As long as we leave now.

↓

Oh, we're all going. Cool, good. All right! Okay!

cool

↓

Okay! Oh, we're tasting cakes at 1308 Grant Avenue!

avenue cakes grant tasting

↓

You know, when I go on a trip, I usually take two bags.

bags trip usually

↓

I have a carry-on, then I check one too.

carry check

↓

- I check one, two. - Schmuck.

check

↓

You're driving! Billy McDermott is driving! Cool.

billy cool driving

↓

Hey, do you want to play Never Have I Ever?

↓

Never have I ever worn a scary mask when it wasn't Halloween.

halloween mask scary worn

↓

Now your turn.

↓

We have arrived. I am one click south of the door.

arrived click door south

↓

You guys sure you don't wanna wait in the car? No? Okay.

↓

We are zero clicks from the door.

clicks door zero

↓

I am opening the door.

door opening

↓

- Right this way, come on in. - Go ahead. Smells good.

ahead go-ahead smells

↓

Nice. Yep, that's cake.

cake

↓

Welcome to Vegan Divas. Where you can get your cake...

cake vegan welcome

↓

And eat it too! I'm Kay.

↓

And this is my sister Ida.

sister

↓

She's the vegan and I'm the diva.

vegan

↓

Thank you so much for fitting us in last minute.

fitting minute

↓

- Yep. - Don't even worry about it.

worry

↓

I totally get last minute. I'm never on time for anything.

minute

↓

Are you sure about this?

↓

Our wedding is at a very specific time.

specific wedding

↓

No, it's okay. The reviews were great.

reviews

↓

This is just their shtick.

↓

Oh!

↓

Why do I keep doing that?

↓

Hey, I think you might be bleeding.

bleeding might

↓

- Ida! - Okay, I'm sorry.

↓

- Cake! Hurry! - Okay.

cake hurry

↓

So this is our Better-Than-Sex red velvet cake

cake velvet

↓

that Ida makes from scratch.

makes scratch

↓

And that name is no lie.

name

↓

I've compared them both.

compared

↓

Mmm! And this is vegan?

vegan

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

Hmm.

↓

Parker, can I speak with you in private real quick?

parker private quick real real-quick speak

↓

What's wrong?

↓

- I like to concur… - What? Sure.

↓

…about, you know, important life decisions before we make them.

decisions life

↓

- You know? Mmm-hmm. - Really?

↓

- You have a little something here. - What's that, sweetheart?

sweetheart

↓

What the fuck?

fuck

↓

I'm sorry! I didn't know you guys were together!

↓

Owen, what's going on?

owen

↓

Okay, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but the FBI thinks

crazy sound sound-crazy thinks

↓

- I had something to do with the robbery. - What?

robbery

↓

They made me wear...

wear

↓

Oh! What a lovely little bakery.

bakery lovely

↓

- You must be Parker! - Hi.

must parker

↓

- Ah! Nobody make a scene! - You're the one with the gun, Rehan.

nobody scene

↓

Yes, you are the one with the gun holding hostages right now…

holding hostages

↓

- …inside of the bakery. - Oh, hostages!

bakery hostages

↓

- What the hell is going on? - Listen, Rehan.

↓

- We told you we'd get you the money. - Oh, yes. No, you did.

money

↓

But then I remembered you are liars.

liars remembered

↓

Just in case you were planning on slithering away into the shadows again,

case planning shadows

↓

I thought I'd come here for a little…

↓

insurance.

insurance

↓

- Come along, Parker. - Hey, hey, hey! Just take me instead.

along parker

↓

Take me!

↓

You little Build-A-Bear? You think you're hostage material?

bear build hostage material

↓

No one here gives two shits whether you live or die!

gives live shits whether

↓

Look at them and check in with them.

check

↓

Oh! Zero shits given.

given shits zero

↓

I don't understand. Was Owen right?

owen

↓

Just do what she says.

↓

Stay calm, baby. Just stay calm.

baby calm

↓

So emo! Getting choked up.

choked

↓

- Dad? Dad? - I like getting choked, though.

choked

↓

You can eat my cake anytime!

anytime cake

↓

Please, God, save my fiancée who is exiting the back of the bakery right now.

bakery save

↓

FBI! Freeze!

freeze

↓

God'll save you, Parker!

parker save

↓

Please! God, please! Please! Please, God!

↓

Ahh! Oh! Oh, shit!

↓

Come on, Roger! You got this, Roger! Be a man, you dickhead!

dickhead roger

↓

Ahh! Ahh!

↓

God, man!

↓

- Fuck you! - Go on, take her!

fuck

↓

Get the fuck in! Get in the car!

fuck

↓

I'm going after her.

↓

What the fuck? Oh, son of a bitch.

bitch fuck

↓

Everything's fucking cake in here!

cake everythings fucking

↓

I'm going after her!

↓

No! You're gonna get yourself killed! Get down! Get down!

killed

↓

You're really fuckin' getting on my tits!

fuckin tits

↓

Shut up!

↓

Lilly! Lilly, the front!

front lilly

↓

Let's go.

↓

Go for the tires.

tires

↓

Get me my fucking money!

fucking money

↓

Ah, shit.

↓

I fucking love this job!

fucking fucking-love love

↓

Motherfuckers!

motherfuckers

↓

Freeze!

freeze

↓

What?

↓

Put your guns down.

guns

↓

Put 'em down now.

↓

- They got our daughter. - Don't move!

daughter

↓

Motherfucker!

motherfucker

↓

You! You were supposed to protect her!

protect supposed

↓

This is why people don't trust the federal government.

federal government trust

↓

This is on you! Hey! Hey!

↓

Let me in! Hey, let me in!

↓

No, no, no, no, no!

↓

Let me in! Let me in!

↓

Okay, I committed.

committed

↓

What happened?

happened

↓

Ahh!

↓

- Oh, Jesus. - Ow!

jesus

↓

Come on, get your ass out here. There you go.

↓

Ahh! Why are we stopped? We gotta go after her!

stopped

↓

- I know where that woman lives! - Rehan has houses everywhere.

houses lives woman

↓

We have no idea where she took Parker.

idea parker

↓

Even if you did, what were you gonna do?

↓

Sneak into the bushes

bushes sneak

↓

and get chased up a tree by a pack of tiny dogs?

chased dogs pack tiny tree

↓

Parker is in the wind.

parker wind

↓

- I'm sorry. - Well, what are we gonna do now?

↓

The first thing we're gonna do is you're gonna take that fucking wire off.

fucking wire

↓

You little shit bag.

↓

I knew you were a coward but I didn't take you to be a rat.

coward

↓

Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna take the fall for you guys!

fall

↓

We never asked you to.

asked

↓

No! You just framed me!

framed

↓

You put bank-robbing evidence in the trunk of my car!

bank evidence robbing trunk

↓

He wouldn't have been convicted of anything!

convicted

↓

It was just enough to tie him up

↓

and save Parker from making the biggest mistake of her life.

biggest life mistake parker save

↓

She just got kidnapped because of you!

kidnapped

↓

Before you came back in her life, the worst thing that happened to Parker?

happened life parker worst

↓

She burned the roof of her mouth on a home-made flatbread.

burned home mouth roof

↓

I would've blown on it, but I couldn't. I had a cold.

blown cold wouldve

↓

How could you guys possibly know what she wants?

possibly wants

↓

Or needs? You weren't there!

needs

↓

Because we were trying to fucking protect her, that's why!

fucking protect

↓

Rehan used to be our partner.

partner used

↓

She would choose the bank and clean the money.

bank choose clean money

↓

And then she started to fuckin' lose it!

fuckin lose started

↓

We were afraid she would find out about Parker.

afraid parker

↓

So on the last job, we just took the money and ran.

money

↓

I don't give a shit. I don't care what happened, okay?

care happened

↓

- I just care about getting Parker back. - Oh, yeah, you and me both.

care parker

↓

You need five million in two days. So you're gonna rob another bank, right?

another bank days five million

↓

Wouldn't hurt to have a bank manager on the team.

bank hurt manager team

↓

Someone who knows the bank's weaknesses, which ones have excess cash holdings,

banks cash knows ones

↓

when and where they move that cash.

cash

↓

He gets nervous cracking an egg. You think he can rob a bank?

bank cracking nervous

↓

If it's to save Parker? Fuck yeah, I'll rob a bank!

bank fuck parker save

↓

We always knew they were criminals.

criminals

↓

They drink during the day.

drink

↓

Yeah. Yeah. Hey, and the daughter… is a yoga instructor.

daughter instructor yoga

↓

I'm not saying anything, but, you know, connect the dots.

connect dots

↓

Mmm.

↓

Do you have any idea where they might've gone?

gone idea mightve

↓

Mmm-mmm.

↓

Does Owen have any access to a family cabin or anything like that?

access cabin family owen

↓

A, um, a vacation home...

home vacation

↓

Vacation home? What, are you kidding me?

home kidding vacation

↓

Who do we look like, The Jeffersons?

↓

Here's a list of all the banks within a 100-mile radius,

banks list mile

↓

arranged by on-site cash holdings, from ValueBank all the way up to...

arranged cash site

↓

Atlas Reserve, 20 million dollars.

atlas dollars million million-dollars reserve

↓

- One-stop shopping. - Hmm! Easy.

easy shopping

↓

Yeah, I wish!

wish

↓

- No? - No.

↓

We can't rob Atlas Reserve.

atlas reserve

↓

Phoebe King has that place on lock.

king lock place

↓

Who's Phoebe King?

king

↓

I thought you guys were the Ghost Bandits. You don't know who Phoebe King is?

ghost king

↓

She pioneered bandit barriers.

bandit

↓

Every inch of her bank is triple secured.

bank inch triple

↓

I'd fuck me.

fuck

↓

And her vault?

↓

I'm talking biometrics, weight sensitivity,

weight

↓

not to mention randomized time locks!

locks mention

↓

Okay?

↓

When did you make this?

↓

When I walked to the vending machine, got a Diet Squirt.

diet machine squirt vending vending-machine walked

↓

Weirdly, I had a lot of it in my pockets.

pockets

↓

So, let me get this straight.

straight

↓

You made a model of a bank we're not gonna rob?

bank model

↓

Oh, wow. There's another one. He made two.

another

↓

I made 12. Only two are presentable.

↓

See, we don't want a Phoebe King.

king

↓

What we need is Victory Union, a bank whose manager is lazy.

bank lazy manager union victory

↓

A total turd.

total turd

↓

What we need is a Vince Millen.

vince

↓

Vince lost his right testicle because, one time,

lost testicle vince

↓

he sat on his nuts too hard.

hard nuts

↓

The reason he got hired is 'cause his dad owns the bank.

bank hired owns reason

↓

Okay.

↓

The most important thing about Vince is that he cuts corners.

corners cuts vince

↓

Federal regulations limit

federal limit regulations

↓

how much cash a branch can hold for security and insurance purposes.

branch cash insurance purposes security

↓

When you go over the limit,

limit

↓

a manager has to arrange for a cash pick-up from the vault.

arrange cash manager pick

↓

Yo, lock up for me. I got paintball.

lock

↓

Now, the armored truck is supposed to take the cash directly to the repository,

cash directly supposed truck

↓

but Vince hates paperwork.

hates paperwork vince

↓

So he has the same armored truck

truck

↓

collect cash from all three branches he manages

branches cash collect three

↓

before going to the repository.

↓

So if we hit that truck after the pickup from the third branch…

branch pickup third truck

↓

It's like robbing three banks in one.

banks robbing three

↓

- We just need disguises. - Yep.

↓

And I need a gun.

↓

- What? Oh, my gosh. - Mmm-hmm.

gosh

↓

Whoa!

whoa

↓

- It's way lighter than I thought it'd be. - It's a water gun.

lighter water

↓

- Is it? - Mmm-hmm.

↓

Do I still look cool?

cool

↓

Yeah, you look like James Bond.

bond james james-bond

↓

Which one?

↓

- Five. - Oh, that was a good one.

five

↓

Everybody on the ground, now!

everybody ground

↓

Don't be a hero!

hero

↓

Hey, Donkey!

donkey

↓

Oh, God! That was really violent!

violent

↓

How'd you like my accent? Did it sound Irish or Scottish?

accent howd irish sound

↓

It was supposed to sound Scottish but I think it came out Irish.

irish sound supposed

↓

Don't tell Billy.

billy

↓

Focus! We're robbing a bank here.

bank focus robbing

↓

And remember, you're in charge.

charge remember

↓

That's right! I'm in charge, okay?

charge

↓

So no one try to be a hero.

hero

↓

I will cap a motherfucker!

motherfucker

↓

I will cap your ass!

↓

Everybody, stay down, all right?

everybody

↓

You guys like Shrek? Who's your favorite character?

character favorite favorite-character shrek

↓

Mine's Shrek.

mines shrek

↓

What are you doing? Don't get up. Do not get up!

↓

Okay, and you did. But stay right there, all right?

↓

Do not come towards me. Do not come tow... Don't rush towards me!

rush

↓

Easy breezy.

easy

↓

Ahh!

↓

What the fuck?

fuck

↓

Freeze!

freeze

↓

Nice and easy, boy-o. I gotcha.

easy gotcha

↓

Put the gun down. Put it down.

↓

That's very good.

↓

Lilly! I got this, get the money!

lilly money

↓

Billy!

billy

↓

Come on, kid, where the fuck are you?

fuck

↓

About time, Shrek.

shrek

↓

Sorry, a big guy that looked like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's character

character dwayne johnsons looked rock

↓

from Moana had a heart attack, so I had to give him CPR.

attack heart heart-attack

↓

How's your part going?

part

↓

- Three against two. Drop 'em. - What do we do?

drop three

↓

- I don't know. - You drop 'em.

drop

↓

- Can we hurry up? - Can we hurry this up?

hurry

↓

Okay, all right, just put 'em down.

↓

Easy down now.

easy

↓

What the fuck?

fuck

↓

- Oh, shit. - Son of a bitch!

bitch

↓

Oh! Oh, God!

↓

That boy's a real dumbass.

boys dumbass real

↓

- Fuck, there goes our getaway. - Okay.

fuck

↓

Get in!

↓

Go! Go, go, go!

↓

All right, yeah! We're doing this.

↓

Shut up and drive!

drive

↓

Okay, yeah, let's go.

↓

You know, I always wanted to be a school bus driver.

driver school wanted

↓

The money!

money

↓

The money, the money!

money

↓

Oh, no, no, no. That's not good.

↓

I'm gonna kick your green ass, Shrek!

green kick shrek

↓

I thought we defunded the police.

police

↓

Pull over now!

pull

↓

I'm sorry!

↓

Yep, now they're angry.

angry

↓

Oh, God!

↓

He'll be fine, it's fine.

↓

Where the fuck is he going?

fuck

↓

Oh, my God!

↓

Lord forgive us, Mary and Joseph!

forgive joseph lord mary

↓

…to light, as our hearts mourn during this time...

hearts light mourn

↓

Goal!

goal

↓

Have you no dignity?

dignity

↓

Ho-ho-ho!

↓

Pretty sure my great-grandma was buried in here.

buried grandma

↓

Shut the fuck up!

fuck

↓

Okay.

↓

Oh, shit.

↓

Why?

↓

Oh, shit!

↓

- God. - What the fuck is that?

fuck

↓

My Go-Gurts! Snack time. Gotta keep the blood sugar up.

blood blood-sugar snack sugar

↓

- Give me that. - You want to pick a flavor?

flavor pick

↓

- Fucking Go-Gurts! - Snack time!

fucking snack

↓

Shit!

↓

Oh, shit.

↓

How much did we clear?

clear

↓

Sixty bucks.

bucks sixty

↓

Sixty bucks.

bucks sixty

↓

Okay, that's a building block.

block building

↓

I'm sorry. What the fuck is this?

fuck

↓

You don't know him? This is Babayan.

↓

He's like the Kanye of the former Soviet Bloc.

former kanye

↓

Is the Kanye here?

kanye

↓

Shut the fuck up and dance!

dance fuck

↓

Do my parents rob banks?

banks parents

↓

Do I have a magical pussy?

magical pussy

↓

The answer is yes.

answer

↓

Your parents, they are magnificent bank robbers.

bank magnificent parents robbers

↓

I mean, when they disappeared, I felt…

disappeared

↓

betrayed.

betrayed

↓

You try to run?

↓

Ahh!

↓

Stupid bitch.

bitch stupid stupid-bitch

↓

Now, pay attention.

attention

↓

Babayan is about to do his grand finale.

finale grand

↓

Hoorah, Babayan!

↓

Hoorah, Babayan!

↓

I think I left my phone in there.

left phone

↓

Okay, guess Uber's out of the question.

question

↓

CPR?

↓

You stopped to give someone CPR?

stopped

↓

- My training kicked in. - You foolish gobshite!

foolish kicked training

↓

Okay, stop it! We have less than 24 hours to get that money.

hours less money

↓

Oh, forget about the money.

forget money

↓

We need to rescue Parker first, then leave the country.

country parker rescue

↓

We are not running this time.

running

↓

Parker made a real life for herself here.

life parker real real-life

↓

- It's what's best for her. - No, that's what's best for us.

best

↓

I… I have an idea.

idea

↓

We could rob Atlas Reserve.

atlas reserve

↓

What happened to, "One does not rob Phoebe King?"

happened king

↓

One doesn't, but maybe three does?

three

↓

I don't know. I just... I know a way in.

↓

I just don't know we could get out once the police show up.

police

↓

Well, maybe we can get a little help there.

↓

Ghost Bandits on three.

ghost three

↓

Three…

three

↓

Okay, that was gonna be a cool moment. Hey, guys, wait up!

cool moment

↓

Earlier today, a man dressed as the popular animated character Shrek

animated character dressed popular shrek today

↓

attempted to rob Victory Union Bank, but he soon discovered that it's not so…

attempted bank discovered union victory

↓

That's 100% Owen in a Shrek costume. I could recognize his giant ass anywhere.

costume giant owen recognize shrek

↓

- No, it's not. - It's not.

↓

Damn, he's going nuts.

nuts

↓

Why is he on TV?

↓

I'm gonna call him again.

↓

- Hello? - It's Billy.

billy

↓

Oh, it's Billy.

billy

↓

- Okay... - You listen to me.

↓

You touch one single hair on my son's back, and I swear to God...

hair single sons swear touch

↓

Shut up and listen, I'm not gonna touch your son's back hair.

hair sons touch

↓

But I am gonna use him to rob a bank.

bank

↓

If you don't want to see him go to prison, we're gonna need getaway drivers.

drivers prison

↓

Wait, hold on! You want us to be getaway drivers?

drivers

↓

So be at Owen's bank tomorrow, 10:00 a.m.

bank tomorrow

↓

- And keep the engine running! - Let me talk! Let me talk!

engine running

↓

Mom? Dad? I'm so scared! I'm so scared! Please…

scared

↓

Please, if you love me at all,

love

↓

don't tell Agent Oldham at the FBI anything.

agent

↓

Honey, I swear.

honey swear

↓

We will tell no one!

↓

No one!

↓

- What time did they say? - 10:00 a.m.

↓

Why does your clock say 8:00?

clock

↓

Oh, I took a business trip to Phoenix once, I never changed it back.

business business-trip changed trip

↓

Something's not right here.

somethings

↓

Good. Coast is clear.

clear coast

↓

Told you they wouldn't be an accessory to a crime.

crime

↓

Owen, you better take this.

owen

↓

Whoa, heft.

whoa

↓

That's not tap water. It's lead.

lead water

↓

Do not under any circumstances...

circumstances

↓

Oh, Jesus.

jesus

↓

Do not pull the trigger.

pull trigger

↓

All right. Game time.

game

↓

Await my signal.

await signal

↓

Just think of how many terrible decisions we had to make

decisions

↓

to get to this moment in time,

moment

↓

with everything riding on this pasty little goober.

riding

↓

We're so fucked.

fucked

↓

Yeah, well, this pasty little goober

↓

is about to rob his second bank for our daughter.

bank daughter second

↓

I like him.

↓

I'm sorry, but I don't know what I'm doing.

↓

My bank got robbed and I didn't do anything to stop it.

bank robbed

↓

I suck! I suck so bad!

suck

↓

First off, stop crying.

crying

↓

Whenever I hear babies cry, I lactate.

babies

↓

Can't ruin another suit.

another ruin suit

↓

Look, I need your help.

↓

Can you show me your vault so I can see what a real security system looks like?

real security system

↓

- So you want to see inside my vault? - Yeah.

↓

Remember when I told you a Butterball turkey could break into your vault?

break remember turkey

↓

- Yeah, I remember. - Make that sound.

remember sound

↓

If I do, would you let me into the vault?

↓

Do it! Come on!

↓

With your throat.

throat

↓

Louder.

louder

↓

There you go.

↓

Let's go.

↓

Wow!

↓

- Pretty heavy duty. - Yeah, you like that, huh?

duty heavy

↓

It's a decoy!

decoy

↓

I'm not gonna have a safe this pathetic. What am I, you?

pathetic safe

↓

"I'll just put one big circle on the front and that's what locks it."

circle front locks

↓

Freak.

freak

↓

- Don't look. - Okay.

↓

The last numbers are irrelevant. That's how I masturbate.

irrelevant masturbate numbers

↓

That feels good.

feels

↓

Phoebe King.

king

↓

You know it, bitch.

bitch

↓

Is that…

↓

Triple-enforced titanium with digital, manual, and combination locks?

combination digital locks manual titanium triple

↓

Pussy.

pussy

↓

Don't tell me when I can take a fuckin' break.

break fuckin

↓

I take a break when I fuckin' feel like it.

break fuckin

↓

Shit! You know what I mean? I don't care if it ain't...

aint care

↓

That Owen's parents? The fuck are they doing at the job?

fuck parents

↓

Mr. and Mrs. Browning! What's going on with y'all?

yall

↓

How y'all doing?

yall

↓

Why y'all look like that? Y'all look real stiff and kinda paranoid.

kinda paranoid real stiff yall

↓

Real statuesque, like you… you in a wax museum or something.

museum real

↓

- Hey, is that a cop in your backseat? - I'm not a cop.

backseat

↓

I'm an agent. And could you please keep your voice down?

agent voice

↓

First of all, what's the fuckin' difference, okay?

difference fuckin

↓

You don't run nothing here! This ain't your jurisdiction!

aint

↓

- Tyree! Tyree! Shh! - What?

↓

Don't tell anybody, but your bank's about to be robbed.

anybody banks robbed

↓

What do you mean, don't tell nobody? They about to rob the bank again?

bank nobody

↓

- Shh! - What the fuck, man?

fuck

↓

Damn it! Man, I haven't even… I left some shit in the microwave!

left microwave

↓

- Shh! - Fuck! I haven't even taken my lunch yet!

fuck lunch taken

↓

No, you don't shush me!

shush

↓

- Fuck this! I'm out. - Ugh!

fuck

↓

- Fuck! The fuck… - Why did you say that?

fuck

↓

- I told you not to say anything. - This job fucking sucks!

fucking fucking-sucks sucks

↓

Just like Owen told you not to say anything.

owen

↓

It's a setup! It's a setup! They're going after a different bank!

bank setup

↓

- Get out, I'm taking the car. - Not a chance.

chance

↓

It's taken me years to get this seat exactly the way I like.

seat taken years

↓

Oh, God!

↓

God damn it!

↓

- Where to? - Atlas Reserve! They're desperate.

atlas desperate reserve

↓

Come on! Come on!

↓

Little faster, please?

faster

↓

And now for the money shot.

money shot

↓

Synchronized manual locks.

locks manual synchronized

↓

Ah! Ah! Tss! Oh!

↓

Yeah.

↓

It's not the most discreet signal.

discreet signal

↓

Jesus, Owen, we got it.

jesus owen

↓

Shut the fuck up! If this kid makes it out alive, I'm gonna kill him.

alive fuck kill makes

↓

Fuckin' hell!

fuckin

↓

Three, two, one, and release.

release three

↓

Pull.

pull

↓

This is a robbery!

robbery

↓

Everyone on the ground now!

ground

↓

What the fuck is that? Oop!

fuck

↓

I'm sorry! I'm a coward!

coward

↓

I suck at bank managing! I can't believe I pulled it off.

bank believe managing pulled suck

↓

Owen, you fucking coward!

coward fucking owen

↓

Great, now I'm lactating.

↓

Yes! Yes!

↓

I'm coming for you, Parker.

coming parker

↓

Nope! That didn't go as planned.

nope planned

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

- No! No! - Come on, sunshine, out you get.

sunshine

↓

All units, we received an alarm from Atlas Reserve Bank.

alarm atlas bank received reserve units

↓

- Robbery in progress. - I knew it. Let's go, Neil, faster.

faster neil progress robbery

↓

- I drive smart, I don't drive fast. - At least do the speed limit!

drive fast least limit smart speed

↓

Your son's life depends on it!

depends life sons

↓

- Faster! - All right! All right, here goes!

faster

↓

With your permission?

permission

↓

You're kind of reminding me of Dan Marino right now.

marino reminding

↓

Dan Marino?

marino

↓

I met him at an orgy once.

orgy

↓

Ha! You think his arm was big? Whoa!

whoa

↓

I wouldn't know. I was in the car.

↓

All right, emergency escape latch. Every vault has one.

emergency escape

↓

How can Gary never find this?

gary

↓

Hey, cuz, did somebody order a bank robbery getaway driver?

bank driver order robbery somebody

↓

Yo! Hey, what up?

↓

- How'd the robbery go? - Shut up!

howd robbery

↓

Yo, man, I got morphine in the back if you want to do a little drip...

drip morphine

↓

- Let's go, come on! - Yeah, let's go!

↓

- Drive! - Yeah, of course.

course drive

↓

- Was that them? - Get out! Get in the back, I'm driving!

driving

↓

You know what? I get sick in the back.

sick

↓

Margie, would you mind gettin' in the back?

gettin mind

↓

No! I don't want to get in the back. It smells like eggs.

eggs smells

↓

Come on, let's go!

↓

- All right! - Okay, I'm going.

↓

- Fine. All right. - Here we go. Okay.

↓

You know what? If you just get out and walk around, it's faster!

faster walk

↓

No, no, no! It's easier this way.

easier

↓

- No! - I'm moving. I'm in too deep.

deep moving

↓

I made the commitment.

commitment

↓

Just... Okay, all units, suspects fleeing northbound on Elm.

suspects units

↓

All right, come on, go, go, go!

↓

Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus!

jesus

↓

This is the first time I've seen you look attractive.

attractive seen

↓

This is the dress that I was going to wear when your father finally came around.

dress father finally wear

↓

It's sexy. It's tasteful.

sexy tasteful

↓

I look like a meth-head lottery winner

head lottery meth winner

↓

marrying Machine Gun Kelly at a cruise boat casino.

boat casino cruise kelly machine marrying

↓

I love Machine Gun Kelly.

kelly love machine

↓

He has that skinny dick energy.

dick energy skinny

↓

Hey, we got that cash delivery!

cash delivery

↓

Bitches!

bitches

↓

Finally. Interesting choice of vehicle.

choice finally interesting vehicle

↓

Don't forget to give me five stars.

five forget stars

↓

Uber?

uber

↓

It's okay.

↓

It's all right there. Five million.

five million

↓

Where are Billy and Lilly?

billy lilly

↓

They're off distracting the police.

distracting police

↓

Aw, shit. It's not the volume. Sorry.

volume

↓

Sorry! Just... Sorry, my bad.

↓

Parker! What's up? It's RJ. Remember Roy's Teppanyaki?

parker remember

↓

Wow.

↓

Owen… you did it!

owen

↓

Bravo! Very well done!

bravo

↓

Well, look.

↓

My debt is paid, you're free to go.

debt free paid

↓

I think we should just split this money 50/50,

money split

↓

as a wedding present.

present wedding

↓

I'm joking! I'm going to kill the shit out of both of you.

joking kill

↓

Nope! Freeze, all right? Stay right where you are!

freeze nope

↓

I got you now!

↓

Let her go.

↓

Oh, Owen, you're so sweet! Put that gun down, you man-child.

child owen sweet

↓

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

fuck

↓

Did they give me a fuckin' water gun again?

fuckin water

↓

Oh!

↓

- Oh, my God! - Holy fucking shit!

fucking holy

↓

Whoa! My cuz is a straight-up murderer!

murderer straight whoa

↓

Oh! Oh, God! Parker.

parker

↓

- Owen, are you okay? - Parker, Parker, Parker! Oh, my God.

owen parker

↓

Parker! Are you okay?

parker

↓

- Yeah. - Are you okay? Oh, my God.

↓

Oh, you…

↓

- My God, what happened? - I don't know.

happened

↓

I got sweat on my gun so I thought it was a squirt gun.

squirt sweat

↓

- It wasn't. It was a bullet gun. - What?

bullet

↓

What the fuck? You guys are bank robbers? You've been lying to me my entire life?

bank entire entire-life fuck life lying robbers

↓

We're trying to protect you, baby. That's why we don't see you.

baby protect

↓

- We're trying to keep you safe. - And what about Owen, huh?

owen safe

↓

You dragged him into it. What if he'd gotten killed?

dragged gotten killed

↓

You… You couldn't have held him back if you tried.

held tried

↓

Really?

↓

You're the most important person in the world to me, so…

person world

↓

He's a top man, he… he did really well.

↓

I've…

↓

I've grown fond of you.

fond grown

↓

You did good.

↓

Here you go.

↓

Nah, put that hand away.

hand

↓

- We're family. - What?

family

↓

- Hey! - Oh!

↓

- I didn't use tongue. - I did.

tongue

↓

Uh-oh. Here we go, showtime.

showtime

↓

We dragged every cop in the city here. Go on, skedaddle.

city dragged skedaddle

↓

You don't want to be in jail on your wedding day.

jail wedding

↓

- Move it. - Love you.

love

↓

- Ow! - Let's go! Come on.

↓

Billy and Lilly McDermott, I finally caught you!

billy caught finally finally-caught lilly

↓

Is the danger over?

danger

↓

God, you suck.

suck

↓

♪ If you wanna run away with me ♪

↓

♪ I know a galaxy And I could take you for a ride… ♪

galaxy ride

↓

- Hurry, Ida! - I'm trying.

hurry

↓

- Hurry up! - I'm trying.

hurry

↓

Look, let me tell you somethin', I've been doing bank security for years.

bank security somethin years

↓

What people don't realize, it's all about prevention.

realize

↓

You gotta keep your head on a swivel.

head

↓

That's what I do, I see everything in that bank.

bank

↓

If somebody gonna rob it, that's on me, baby.

baby somebody

↓

But also I gotta get a new job, 'cause I quit.

quit

↓

♪ The Milky Way, we're renegading… ♪

milky

↓

You got him!

↓

- Oh, she's having an allergic reaction! - Is there nickel in this spoon?

allergic having nickel reaction spoon

↓

- Oh, dear, I guess one slipped through. - Oh, she'll be all right.

dear shell slipped

↓

Don't worry, everybody chill! I got this!

chill everybody worry

↓

Yeah! I'm not a hero. I'm just an EMT.

hero

↓

Oh, shit. This won't help.

↓

But you're vaccinated!

vaccinated

↓

- I'll be right back. - Aunt Linda...

aunt linda

↓

Husband.

husband

↓

Yes, my wife?

wife

↓

Thank you.

↓

For everything. This has been… one hell of a week.

week

↓

Of course.

course

↓

- I love you. - I love you.

love

↓

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

gentlemen ladies

↓

for the first time as a married couple,

couple married married-couple

↓

- Owen and Parker Browning! - Whoo!

owen parker whoo

↓

Aw, you look so good.

↓

What are you doing here?

↓

You can't let a simple little thing like going to prison

prison simple

↓

get in the way of your daughter's wedding, now can you?

daughters wedding

↓

Did you guys break out?

break

↓

They get one dance and one slice of cake.

cake dance slice

↓

We made a deal.

deal

↓

We pled guilty, and then we tracked down an old friend of his.

friend guilty tracked

↓

- Wait, is that Sheryl? - Oh, yeah.

↓

Oh!

↓

- May I? - Of course.

course

↓

Come on, sugar. Come to Mama. Let's show 'em how to do it.

mama sugar

↓

Yes, ma'am.

maam

↓

I'm happy for him.

happy

↓

Me too.

↓

- I mean, prison? - Well…

prison

↓

Okay, but it's nice they could show up.

↓

♪ But you said try just once more I chose you for the one ♪

chose

↓

♪ And I'm having so much fun You treated me so kind ♪

fun having treated

↓

♪ I'm about to lose my mind ♪

lose mind

↓

♪ You made me so very happy… ♪

happy

↓

Hold up.

↓

Oh, yeah! Everyone's getting pregnant tonight!

everyones pregnant tonight

↓

♪ Blow the dice for me ♪

blow dice

↓

♪ Put your pretty-ass lips together Blow it real nice for me ♪

blow lips real

↓

♪ Yeah, I'm trying to hit a lick ♪

lick

↓

♪ And slide to the dealership In the morning… ♪

morning slide

↓

They robbed our bank the other day.

bank robbed

↓

Held me at gunpoint. This shit is really fucked up.

fucked held

↓

♪ Let's go! ♪

↓

♪ They can't deal with me I swear to God… ♪

deal swear

↓

I got this piece especially for you.

especially piece

↓

Oh, that's very kind of you, Owen. Thank you.

owen

↓

Don't chip a tooth.

chip tooth

↓

Good lad.

↓

'Cause there's something inside of it.

↓

- Yeah, we did get it. We're fine. - Okay.

↓

- It's a paperclip. - Okay.

↓

- I left the key in the Hellcat. - Shut up.

left

↓

- I got it. I got it. - Okay. All right, enjoy.

enjoy

↓

Have a bite.

bite

↓

Game on.

game

↓

♪ Surprises let me know she cares ♪

cares surprises

↓

♪ Say it ain't so, I will not go ♪

aint

↓

♪ Turn the lights off, carry me home ♪

carry home lights

↓

♪ Say it ain't so, I will not go ♪

aint

↓

♪ Turn the lights off, carry me home ♪

carry home lights

↓

♪ Keep your head still I'll be your thrill ♪

head thrill

↓

♪ The night will go on My little windmill ♪

night windmill

↓

♪ Say it ain't so, I will not go ♪

aint

↓

♪ Turn the lights off, carry me home ♪

carry home lights

↓

♪ Keep your head still I'll be your thrill ♪

head thrill

↓

♪ The night will go on ♪

night

↓

♪ The night will go on My little windmill ♪

night windmill

↓

♪ Castle on a steep hill ♪

castle hill steep

↓

♪ Tacoma queen from 17 ♪

queen

↓

♪ And she's still Wrestling her good will ♪

wrestling

↓

♪ Bet on a dream of Siamese cathedrals ♪

dream siamese

↓

♪ Mountains of oxytocin ♪

mountains

↓

♪ From that cool kids playground ♪

cool cool-kids kids playground

↓

♪ Fountains to dip her toes in ♪

toes

↓

♪ Congratulations on your good life ♪

congratulations life

↓

♪ Are you elated? Are you swimming on thin ice? ♪

swimming thin

↓

♪ Did validation have a high price? ♪

price validation

↓

♪ You're telling everyone "The weather feels so nice" ♪

feels telling weather

↓

♪ Hey, sun down ♪

↓

♪ Don't come up soon ♪

↓

♪ Hey, sun down ♪

↓

♪ We all love you ♪

love

↓

♪ The capital of envies ♪

capital

↓

♪ The color green, calamity impending ♪

color green

↓

♪ Habitual pretending ♪

pretending

↓

♪ Are you serene? Is coming clean still pending? ♪

clean coming

↓

♪ Mountains of oxytocin ♪

mountains

↓

♪ From that cool kids playground ♪

cool cool-kids kids playground

↓

♪ Fountains to dip her toes in ♪

toes

↓

♪ Congratulations on your good life ♪

congratulations life

↓

♪ Are you elated? Are you swimming on thin ice? ♪

swimming thin

↓

♪ Did validation have a high price? ♪

price validation

↓

♪ You're telling everyone "The weather feels so nice" ♪

feels telling weather

↓

♪ Hey, sun down ♪

↓

♪ Don't come up soon ♪

↓

♪ Hey, sun down ♪

↓

♪ We all love you ♪

love

↓

♪ So it's you against the clock now ♪

clock

↓

♪ Are you happy at the top now? Hey, sun down ♪

happy

↓

♪ Don't come up soon ♪

↓

♪ Are you happy at the top now? Hey, sun down ♪

happy

↓

♪ We all love you ♪

love

↓

♪ Congratulations on your good life Hey, sun down ♪

congratulations life

↓

♪ Are you elated? Are you swimming on thin ice? ♪

swimming thin

↓

♪ Did validation have a high price? ♪

price validation

↓

♪ You're telling everyone "The weather feels so nice" ♪

feels telling weather

↓

♪ Hey, sun down ♪

↓

♪ Don't come up soon ♪