Home » Tommy Boy (1995) » S01E01 — Tommy Boy (1995)

Tommy Boy (1995)

Season 1, Episode 1 — Tommy Boy (1995)

MOTHER: Tommy, hurry up! You're gonna be late for school again.

#1

⇓

Son of a...

#2

⇓

Damn!

#3

⇓

(BARKING)

#4

⇓

Nice doggy.

#5

⇓

(BUS HORN HONKING)

#6

⇓

Holy schnikes!

#7

⇓

Late again, Tommy?

#8

⇓

- You're pathetic. - Shut up, Richard.

#9

⇓

- Come on, Tommy! - Hurry up.

#10

⇓

Damn!

#11

⇓

(TOMMY GROANING)

#12

⇓

(BOY WHINING)

#13

⇓

Hi. How are you?

#14

⇓

Oh, man!

#15

⇓

No! Please, God, no!

#16

⇓

Son of a...

#17

⇓

(TOMMY PANTING)

#18

⇓

TOMMY: Excuse me. I'm sorry. GIRL: Hey, I got an A.

#19

⇓

Sorry. Pardon me. Can I just check this out?

#20

⇓

"D+"?

#21

⇓

Oh, my God.

#22

⇓

I passed!

#23

⇓

I passed.

#24

⇓

(LAUGHING) Man! I got a D+.

#25

⇓

I'm gonna graduate! I wish we'd known each other.

#26

⇓

This is a little awkward.

#27

⇓

I'm gonna graduate! Give me five!

#28

⇓

(TOMMY LAUGHING)

#29

⇓

I'm gonna graduate!

#30

⇓

Wombat!

#31

⇓

(ALL WHOOPING)

#32

⇓

Guys, do I look different now that I'm a college grad?

#33

⇓

Not really.

#34

⇓

Apparently, they give a lot fewer D pluses than D minuses.

#35

⇓

It's not a grade they like to give out, I'll tell you that right now.

#36

⇓

- Yeah. You mentioned that. - So that's it for school, huh? Now what?

#37

⇓

No idea.

#38

⇓

But for now I'll probably go back

#39

⇓

and work at my dad's loading dock like always.

#40

⇓

Then after that, figure it out.

#41

⇓

I'm gonna miss you, man. You were the best.

#42

⇓

Uh-uh.

#43

⇓

You were the best. I love all you guys.

#44

⇓

Especially you.

#45

⇓

I'm gonna make a toast.

#46

⇓

To the best bunch of rugby freaks ever born.

#47

⇓

Maybe we weren't the smartest guys on campus.

#48

⇓

Maybe we spent a little too much time puking off balconies.

#49

⇓

But we had fun, huh?

#50

⇓

ALL: Yeah!

#51

⇓

Now some of us are leaving and that is sad.

#52

⇓

But this isn't the end. No way.

#53

⇓

We're gonna show this world a thing or two.

#54

⇓

We're gonna show...

#55

⇓

(ALL LAUGHING)

#56

⇓

- Richard Hayden? - Tommy.

#57

⇓

So where's my dad? I thought he was gonna meet me at the airport.

#58

⇓

He was at the airport this morning, but you weren't on the plane.

#59

⇓

He said he had a surprise for me.

#60

⇓

Maybe. I guess you should've called.

#61

⇓

I did call earlier when

#62

⇓

using the phone.

#63

⇓

- Earlier, when was that? - Or later. When...

#64

⇓

(STUTTERS) Then I left a message.

#65

⇓

A message? What number did you call?

#66

⇓

Two, four, niner,

#67

⇓

five, six, seven, eight...

#68

⇓

I can't hear you. You're trailing off.

#69

⇓

And did I catch a "niner" in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?

#70

⇓

- No, it was cordless. - You know what? Don't.

#71

⇓

Not here, not now.

#72

⇓

Did you hear I finally graduated?

#73

⇓

Yeah. In just a shade under a decade, too. All right.

#74

⇓

You know, a lot of people go to college for seven years.

#75

⇓

I know. They're called doctors.

#76

⇓

Oh, that has to be you.

#77

⇓

Spray that thing for bugs?

#78

⇓

(TOMMY CHUCKLES)

#79

⇓

- What happened to the tire plant? - Shut it down last month.

#80

⇓

Would you mind not eating in the car? It's kind of a rule.

#81

⇓

- Still got your GTX car, huh? - Yep.

#82

⇓

And I dropped in a 440 Magnum with a six-pack.

#83

⇓

You hang on to a car this cherry

#84

⇓

-kind of like your suitcase. -"Kind of like your suitcase."

#85

⇓

What's new with the old gang from high school?

#86

⇓

I don't know, Tommy. I didn't really like the old gang from high school.

#87

⇓

TOMMY: Hey, the muffler plant's gone, too.

#88

⇓

- Yep. - Man!

#89

⇓

(EXCLAIMS)

#90

⇓

Come on! Damn it!

#91

⇓

(RATTLING)

#92

⇓

That sounds good.

#93

⇓

Melted chocolate inside the dash. That really ups the resale value.

#94

⇓

I think you're gonna be okay here. They have a thin candy shell.

#95

⇓

I'm surprised you didn't know that.

#96

⇓

I think your brain has a thick candy shell.

#97

⇓

Your... Your brain has the shell on it.

#98

⇓

- Are you talking? - Shut up, Richard.

#99

⇓

Ron, don't tell me the bank thinks we need to wait it out.

#100

⇓

Any business that tries to wait it out will be just that, out.

#101

⇓

In auto parts you're either growing or you're dying.

#102

⇓

There ain't no third direction.

#103

⇓

Tom, you're talking about a huge loan.

#104

⇓

Maybe instead of borrowing you should take on a partner.

#105

⇓

No, this always has been, always will be a family firm.

#106

⇓

My grandfather founded it in '21.

#107

⇓

My father kept it running during the Depression. My aunt Aileen ran it

#108

⇓

when he went away to war and someday my son will run it.

#109

⇓

- Hi, Dad. - BIG TOM: Tommy!

#110

⇓

(TOMMY AND BIG TOM GRUNTING)

#111

⇓

Damn, I'm proud of you. Mr. Big Time. College grad, huh?

#112

⇓

- Thanks, Dad. - Yeah.

#113

⇓

You're looking great, kid.

#114

⇓

Thanks, Mr. Rittenhauer. How you doing, Mr. Reilly?

#115

⇓

Real good. I had a kidney removed last April

#116

⇓

but I still have the other one.

#117

⇓

Yeah, you remember Mr. Gilmore from the bank.

#118

⇓

- Yeah. Nice to see you again, sir. - How are you?

#119

⇓

Why don't you come out on the floor with us?

#120

⇓

Gilmore needs reminding of why he does business with us.

#121

⇓

- Richard, could you... - Run these figures by accounting.

#122

⇓

No problem.

#123

⇓

My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.

#124

⇓

- Come on. - We should have something for you

#125

⇓

by this afternoon.

#126

⇓

Hard hats, gentlemen.

#127

⇓

You get hit in the head without wearing one of these

#128

⇓

they scoop your brains out with a goddamn soup ladle.

#129

⇓

Look alive! Low bridge!

#130

⇓

(GROANS) Son of a...

#131

⇓

- You all right, Tommy? - Yeah.

#132

⇓

- What happened? - Nothing.

#133

⇓

Danny. How's that new son-in-law?

#134

⇓

He's a real pain in the butt.

#135

⇓

Tommy, you're back! Way to go on that D+.

#136

⇓

Thanks, Danny. Looking good, man.

#137

⇓

- MAN 1: Hey, Tommy! - Hey, man. How you doing?

#138

⇓

How are you?

#139

⇓

Good to see you. How you doing?

#140

⇓

- Hey, Sammy. - Hey, Tommy.

#141

⇓

- Welcome home, buddy. - Tommy, welcome back.

#142

⇓

Hang in there, Ron. We're almost there.

#143

⇓

Lou, I got some papers I want you to sign in the office.

#144

⇓

- Hey, Louis. - Hey, Tommy!

#145

⇓

What are you doing on the floor?

#146

⇓

I was going crazy on the loading docks, so your dad moved me in here.

#147

⇓

- What is this thing? - It's a buffer.

#148

⇓

I take oil filters that need smoothing and give them a quick zap.

#149

⇓

Cool.

#150

⇓

- Can I try one? - Help yourself.

#151

⇓

(RICOCHETING)

#152

⇓

(GLASS BREAKING)

#153

⇓

Nice distance.

#154

⇓

Tommy! Come on! Let's go!

#155

⇓

Yes, sir! See you.

#156

⇓

There she is, Ron, my dream.

#157

⇓

This, my friend, is our new brake-pad division

#158

⇓

and the future of Callahan Auto.

#159

⇓

- GILMORE: Quite a sight, Tom. - This is awesome.

#160

⇓

You say these brake pads are gonna revolutionize the industry?

#161

⇓

Composed of high-grade steel and graphite.

#162

⇓

RITTENHAUER: They're the goddamn Rolls-Royce

#163

⇓

of brake pads, that's what they are.

#164

⇓

I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

#165

⇓

(EXCLAIMS)

#166

⇓

TOMMY: You're coming awful fast.

#167

⇓

- How you doing? - I need fresh capital for material

#168

⇓

for a new work force, before I can turn these machines on.

#169

⇓

Look out. I've got catlike speed and reflexes.

#170

⇓

Now, in 23 years, have I ever said no to you?

#171

⇓

Why say no when it feels so good to say yes?

#172

⇓

(SCREAMING)

#173

⇓

I was checking

#174

⇓

the specs on the end line for the rotary girder.

#175

⇓

I'm retarded.

#176

⇓

- Okay, Tom. Let's go. - Yes, sir.

#177

⇓

Okay, left.

#178

⇓

Can I open my eyes now, Dad?

#179

⇓

I told you, you didn't have to close them in the first place.

#180

⇓

Here, go ahead. Open them up.

#181

⇓

That's my name!

#182

⇓

That's your new office now, college grad.

#183

⇓

Go on in there!

#184

⇓

Awesome. Hey, there's even a fridge.

#185

⇓

This is great. You could put six-packs of

#186

⇓

soda in here. Milk, yogurt.

#187

⇓

You could put candy bars in the freezer.

#188

⇓

Anything that you want to keep cool.

#189

⇓

Mr. Callahan,

#190

⇓

I need your John Hancock on these reports.

#191

⇓

John Hancock. It's Herbie Hancock.

#192

⇓

(TOMMY EXCLAIMING)

#193

⇓

Richard, check out my new office.

#194

⇓

RICHARD: You have a window.

#195

⇓

And why shouldn't you? You've been here ten minutes.

#196

⇓

Now look, Son, these are our new catalogs.

#197

⇓

Get to know them. They're important.

#198

⇓

Richard, I want you to promise me you'll look after Tommy Boy here

#199

⇓

till he gets his feet wet.

#200

⇓

Sure. And thanks for choosing me.

#201

⇓

Now don't forget, we're going home early today.

#202

⇓

- I got another surprise for you. - TOMMY: Cool.

#203

⇓

Thanks, Dad.

#204

⇓

It's called reading. Top to bottom, left to right.

#205

⇓

Group of words together is a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches.

#206

⇓

Midol for any cramps.

#207

⇓

Shut up.

#208

⇓

Can I open my eyes now, Dad?

#209

⇓

For God's sake, Son, will you quit covering your damn eyes?

#210

⇓

Holy schnikes.

#211

⇓

- Is that for me? - No, Son, that's for me.

#212

⇓

TOMMY: Oh, man!

#213

⇓

Dad, she's like a 10.

#214

⇓

- Hi, honey. - Hi.

#215

⇓

- Hi. - This must be Tommy. Are you Tommy?

#216

⇓

- I'm Tommy. - I'm Beverly and you are just adorable.

#217

⇓

Son, I got an announcement to make.

#218

⇓

Tom, I've asked Beverly to be my wife.

#219

⇓

(EXCLAIMS)

#220

⇓

(LAUGHING) Man!

#221

⇓

What'd she say?

#222

⇓

It's so cool that you're getting married Saturday.

#223

⇓

- So where'd you guys meet? - Here you go, sweetie.

#224

⇓

We met at that fat farm spa resort thing. Beverly was one of the trainers.

#225

⇓

In fact, she was the only one of the trainers I didn't want to plant

#226

⇓

six feet under a lettuce patch.

#227

⇓

Wait till you hear this, Tommy.

#228

⇓

She's got a son. He worked at the spa, too.

#229

⇓

I met him. He's a terrific guy.

#230

⇓

You're really gonna like him. He's coming here today for the wedding.

#231

⇓

Tommy, it sounds funny saying this

#232

⇓

but my son is going to be your new brother.

#233

⇓

Brother? I'm gonna have a brother?

#234

⇓

I've always dreamed about having a brother.

#235

⇓

(DOORBELL RINGING)

#236

⇓

- Speak of the devil. - A brother!

#237

⇓

- Brother? - I'm Paul.

#238

⇓

- You must be Tommy. - Brothers don't shake hands.

#239

⇓

Brothers gotta hug.

#240

⇓

(TOMMY LAUGHING)

#241

⇓

I can't believe I have a whole new family.

#242

⇓

This is awesome.

#243

⇓

- Yeah. Great. - No offense

#244

⇓

but if I sent a picture of your mom to some of my buddies at school

#245

⇓

she'd definitely be Boner of the Month.

#246

⇓

I'm honored.

#247

⇓

So is there anything to do in this town besides eat?

#248

⇓

Tons of stuff. Late night pitch 'n' putt.

#249

⇓

We could go to the livestock auction and cruise the Four-H babes.

#250

⇓

Throw stuff off the bridge. What do you feel like doing?

#251

⇓

I don't know. Something a little more dangerous.

#252

⇓

Sure. All you can handle, bro.

#253

⇓

(MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)

#254

⇓

Look at them there.

#255

⇓

Pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left.

#256

⇓

She's perfect. Which one you want?

#257

⇓

Okay.

#258

⇓

- Does it make a difference? - Oh, yeah.

#259

⇓

Wait a second. Is this your first time?

#260

⇓

Yeah, Tommy, it is.

#261

⇓

God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life.

#262

⇓

I can't believe you've never been cow-tipping before. Get ready to live.

#263

⇓

(WHISPERING) She's sleeping.

#264

⇓

What you do is you put your shoulder into her and you push.

#265

⇓

- And? - They fall over.

#266

⇓

This doesn't strike you as kind of dumb?

#267

⇓

We're family.

#268

⇓

We're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together.

#269

⇓

Wait till Christmas.

#270

⇓

You keep your feet shoulder-width apart.

#271

⇓

Stay between the udder and the hock.

#272

⇓

It's a 32 belly option. On two, on two. Ready. Hut!

#273

⇓

Son of a...

#274

⇓

(COW MOOING)

#275

⇓

Holy schnikes!

#276

⇓

Hey, get off my property!

#277

⇓

Run for it!

#278

⇓

- I'll save you, brother! - I'm okay.

#279

⇓

- Get away from me! - Get up!

#280

⇓

- I can walk. - I love you.

#281

⇓

TOMMY: Hey, get me. My turn. Over here.

#282

⇓

These shoes are Italian. They're worth more than your life.

#283

⇓

Man, did I get douched with mud!

#284

⇓

Chucko, that doesn't smell like mud.

#285

⇓

Oh, man, that's cold.

#286

⇓

(SINGING) I'm a maniac

#287

⇓

Maniac on the floor

#288

⇓

And I'm dancing like I've never danced before

#289

⇓

Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?

#290

⇓

Why?

#291

⇓

- Good morning, Richard. - Hi.

#292

⇓

(TOMMY SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

#293

⇓

(MIMICKING DARTH VADER) Luke, I am your father.

#294

⇓

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

#295

⇓

Aw, I've interrupted Happy Time.

#296

⇓

Look, your father wants you to check out the delay problems

#297

⇓

we're having at the loading dock.

#298

⇓

I know you'd love to just sit there and keep being not slim.

#299

⇓

But we gotta work a little today, okay?

#300

⇓

- That was from Star Wars. - I know.

#301

⇓

R.T., I think I figured out the problem.

#302

⇓

This order's going to Columbus. That's a one-day delivery

#303

⇓

but you've got it marked down for two.

#304

⇓

That's because it's going to Columbus, Georgia, not Columbus, Ohio.

#305

⇓

You see these letters by the city? That's called a state.

#306

⇓

What else you got, Wonder Boy?

#307

⇓

That's pretty much it for now.

#308

⇓

Tommy, maybe you should go back to college for another seven years

#309

⇓

and study a globe.

#310

⇓

Tommy Callahan?

#311

⇓

Michelle Brock. Chaparrall High. Remember?

#312

⇓

Yeah, I remember. I sat next to you in History.

#313

⇓

You work here? It's so bizarre that you work here.

#314

⇓

Come on in. And forget about R.T.

#315

⇓

He's just pissed off 'cause he recently found out what a loser he is.

#316

⇓

What a loser he is.

#317

⇓

Hey, nice.

#318

⇓

How come you don't put the files in the file cabinets?

#319

⇓

- I don't like file cabinets. - Why not?

#320

⇓

You have to open them. I've got my own system.

#321

⇓

Hasn't failed me yet. All the shipping orders go through me.

#322

⇓

Which means I spend about half of my pathetically anal life in here.

#323

⇓

If I couldn't do things my own way

#324

⇓

I'd probably freak out and blow up the whole town.

#325

⇓

Cool.

#326

⇓

Remember your brother Duane?

#327

⇓

What ever happened to him? We used to go to Safeway all the time

#328

⇓

and get caught trying to steal donuts.

#329

⇓

He's a cop.

#330

⇓

He had to get a real job when my parents moved to Cuyahoga Falls.

#331

⇓

Wow.

#332

⇓

- Want one? - I'd better not.

#333

⇓

I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem.

#334

⇓

I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time.

#335

⇓

And I'd get them lodged right in this region here.

#336

⇓

- How about some coffee? - I'd love some.

#337

⇓

TOMMY: Man, I bet half the town's here.

#338

⇓

You look great, Dad.

#339

⇓

You look good, too, Tommy Boy.

#340

⇓

Listen, Tommy, this marriage thing, I know it's a big step.

#341

⇓

But, you know, ever since your mom died...

#342

⇓

(BIG TOM SIGHS)

#343

⇓

Look, Tommy, something about getting old and being alone...

#344

⇓

You know, something...

#345

⇓

Dad, it's cool, you know? I just want you to be happy.

#346

⇓

Yeah, I know you do. And I am, kid. I am happy, Tommy Boy.

#347

⇓

- They're ready for you, sir. - BIG TOM: Good! Well, we're ready, too.

#348

⇓

- So, how do we look? - Chubby?

#349

⇓

I think that's the champagne talking.

#350

⇓

MINISTER: And so these vows are held sacred from now until eternity.

#351

⇓

If there's any person who finds a reason these two should not be wed

#352

⇓

speak now or forever hold your peace.

#353

⇓

- You kidding? Go get them, Tom! - ALL: Yeah.

#354

⇓

Now, by the power vested in me by the State of Ohio

#355

⇓

I now pronounce you man and wife.

#356

⇓

You may kiss the bride.

#357

⇓

(AIN'T TOO PROUD TO BEG PLAYING)

#358

⇓

(SINGING) I know you want to leave me

#359

⇓

But I refuse to let you go

#360

⇓

If I have to beg and plead for your sympathy

#361

⇓

I don't mind 'cause you mean that much to me

#362

⇓

- RICHARD: Guys. - Now look.

#363

⇓

Say something to the bride and groom.

#364

⇓

TOMMY: Hey, Dad and Beverly.

#365

⇓

This is Michelle Brock, the prettiest gal in Sandusky.

#366

⇓

Michelle, say a little something into the camera.

#367

⇓

A little something into the camera.

#368

⇓

It sounds good, Tom,

#369

⇓

but I'd like to take a look at your operation before I commit.

#370

⇓

Fair enough, Doug.

#371

⇓

'Course I could get a good look at a T-bone steak

#372

⇓

by sticking my head up a bull's ass

#373

⇓

but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it.

#374

⇓

(LAUGHING) Bull's ass, that's great.

#375

⇓

And you guarantee everything you sell?

#376

⇓

BIG TOM: You know, I could guarantee you all day long.

#377

⇓

But we both know a guarantee is only as good as the man who writes it.

#378

⇓

It sounds good, Tom.

#379

⇓

- I'll send the contract next week. - All right, good man.

#380

⇓

RITTENHAUER: You're still the best, Tom.

#381

⇓

Eight whiskey sours,

#382

⇓

I still sell the son of a bitch. Damn! I'm good.

#383

⇓

I just want to tell you, you really look dynamite today, Beverly.

#384

⇓

Yeah, Tom, you are a lucky man. Boy, would I like to get some of that!

#385

⇓

- RICHARD: Good Lord. - Oh, God, no.

#386

⇓

Listen, Richard, you got an edit button on that thing?

#387

⇓

- It'll cost you. - Come here, you little prick.

#388

⇓

All right. Hold it a second, folks. Wait a minute.

#389

⇓

Yeah, it's working now.

#390

⇓

Listen, I want to thank you all for coming today

#391

⇓

to welcome two new Callahans to the family

#392

⇓

my beautiful wife, Beverly, and my new son, Paul.

#393

⇓

I feel like the luckiest man in the world today.

#394

⇓

- Hit it! - MAN: Three, four.

#395

⇓

But right now I'm gonna need you, Tommy Boy

#396

⇓

to get this place going.

#397

⇓

- But me, Dad? - Yeah, you, Tommy Boy.

#398

⇓

- Get up. - Dad, I really don't think... Okay.

#399

⇓

First rocker, take it, Tommy Boy!

#400

⇓

(BABY WHAT'D I SAY PLAYING)

#401

⇓

(SINGING) Hey, mama, don't you treat me wrong

#402

⇓

Come and love me, baby, all night long

#403

⇓

Testify, Tommy boy. Testify.

#404

⇓

(SINGING) Whoa, all right, now

#405

⇓

Tell me what I say

#406

⇓

- Second rocker, me! - Hit it.

#407

⇓

(SINGING) See the girl with the diamond ring

#408

⇓

She knows how to twist that thing, oh, oh

#409

⇓

That's right, Dad.

#410

⇓

BIG TOM: (SINGING) Hey, hey

#411

⇓

TOMMY: Come on now, Dad.

#412

⇓

BIG TOM: (SINGING) All right, now

#413

⇓

(SINGING) Tell me what I say

#414

⇓

What did I say

#415

⇓

Hit the "heys" and the "hos."

#416

⇓

(SINGING) Hey

#417

⇓

ALL: (SINGING) Hey

#418

⇓

Ho

#419

⇓

ALL: Ho

#420

⇓

- Hey - Hey

#421

⇓

- Ho - Ho

#422

⇓

- Hey, Ho - ALL: Hey, Ho

#423

⇓

Hey, hey, hey, hey

#424

⇓

TOMMY: Yeah, Dad, come on now!

#425

⇓

Hear what I say

#426

⇓

(SINGING) Yeah, what I say

#427

⇓

Come on now!

#428

⇓

(MUSIC STOPS)

#429

⇓

- Dad? - Somebody call 911.

#430

⇓

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

#431

⇓

(BAGPIPE PLAYING AMAZING GRACE)

#432

⇓

PRIEST: There's not much more we can say, really.

#433

⇓

We've lost someone we love and it hurts.

#434

⇓

Even though Tom is gone, he'll remain in our lives forever

#435

⇓

comforting us, making us laugh

#436

⇓

and watching over us.

#437

⇓

TOMMY: My dad gave me this boat.

#438

⇓

We'd come out here late at night when there was no one else on the lake

#439

⇓

and then he'd be over there on the shore

#440

⇓

and he'd yell, "Quit playing with your dinghy!"

#441

⇓

I'm gonna really miss him.

#442

⇓

- Your father was a great guy. - Yeah.

#443

⇓

I'm really glad you brought me out here.

#444

⇓

I can't believe you wanted to.

#445

⇓

Although it's pretty fun, if we had some wind.

#446

⇓

I can't believe there's no wind. You need wind 'cause it...

#447

⇓

- Helps push the sail. - Yeah.

#448

⇓

So what are you gonna go do now?

#449

⇓

I don't know. But I gotta do something.

#450

⇓

And I don't know what.

#451

⇓

(CHUCKLES) Man, do I sound like an idiot.

#452

⇓

No.

#453

⇓

Sorry about this wind.

#454

⇓

I can't believe there isn't any wind out here.

#455

⇓

This is ridiculous.

#456

⇓

No, it's great.

#457

⇓

It's very peaceful.

#458

⇓

BOY 1: Hey, Tubbo, you ain't moving!

#459

⇓

(BOYS LAUGHING)

#460

⇓

Yeah. Need a little wind here.

#461

⇓

No, you need to drop a couple hundred pounds, blimp!

#462

⇓

(BOYS LAUGHING)

#463

⇓

Rascals.

#464

⇓

I guess that's your theory.

#465

⇓

So we'll see what happens tomorrow.

#466

⇓

Your sail is limp, like your dick!

#467

⇓

Watch your language in front of the lady, punk!

#468

⇓

Jeez.

#469

⇓

You were saying?

#470

⇓

BOY 2: Hey, Gilligan, did you eat the Skipper?

#471

⇓

You better pray to the god of skinny punks

#472

⇓

that this wind doesn't pick up

#473

⇓

because I'll come over there and jam an oar up your ass!

#474

⇓

(BOYS EXCLAIMING)

#475

⇓

Jeepers creepers.

#476

⇓

Those guys keep interrupting us. I'm sorry about that.

#477

⇓

- You were saying about the... - BOY 3: Hey, lady, look out!

#478

⇓

- There's a fat whale on your boat! - BOY 2: Yeah. Free Willy!

#479

⇓

Listen up, you little spazoids.

#480

⇓

I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep.

#481

⇓

I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry

#482

⇓

when they see what I've done to you!

#483

⇓

I was just kidding. I have no idea where they live.

#484

⇓

That was awesome.

#485

⇓

Ladies and gentlemen, we're in real trouble.

#486

⇓

Zalinsky Industries has an offer on the table to buy us out.

#487

⇓

But as you realize, Callahan has been family-owned

#488

⇓

since Tommy's great-grandfather laid the first brick.

#489

⇓

And I'll be damned if that's gonna change on my watch.

#490

⇓

If we sell while our value's still high

#491

⇓

everyone who owns stock in this company

#492

⇓

stands to make a lot of money.

#493

⇓

That, of course, includes you, Mrs. Callahan

#494

⇓

now that you and Tommy are the primary shareholders.

#495

⇓

It seems vulgar to think about money at a time like this.

#496

⇓

I don't want to hear the word "sell" again.

#497

⇓

But, Ron, we do need that loan to keep us afloat until we figure things out.

#498

⇓

I'm sorry, Frank. We can't do it.

#499

⇓

Tom got in way over his head when he built the brake-pad division.

#500

⇓

The bank just can't take a chance on putting up any more money.

#501

⇓

Now, let's face it. When Big Tom died, Callahan Auto may have died with him.

#502

⇓

If this factory goes under, the whole town goes under.

#503

⇓

And that's when the whores come in.

#504

⇓

- Here we go. - Excuse me. What was that?

#505

⇓

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

#506

⇓

Men laying their trick money down, $20 to pay the rent.

#507

⇓

Maybe, instead, I'll spend it on the whore.

#508

⇓

REILLY: Frank, I really don't think we have any choice.

#509

⇓

Maybe I can help.

#510

⇓

I'll give you everything I've got. My house, the stock.

#511

⇓

If I give you that stuff as collateral, then will you give us that loan?

#512

⇓

Well, yes, I suppose so.

#513

⇓

RITTENHAUER: Wait a second. What are you saying, Tommy?

#514

⇓

You just wanna hand over your inheritance?

#515

⇓

TOMMY: Right. If it'll help get the brake pads going.

#516

⇓

My dad said the new pads were the future of Callahan.

#517

⇓

But who's going to sell them?

#518

⇓

- I will. I'll go on my dad's sales trip. - I'll be damned.

#519

⇓

Whores running around doing their little behind-shake for the menfolk.

#520

⇓

- I kind of like her idea. - For Christ's sake!

#521

⇓

Once during the war, I visited a prostitute.

#522

⇓

And my life has been a living hell ever since.

#523

⇓

Now, hold on a minute.

#524

⇓

Do we really want to put the future of the company in Tommy's hands?

#525

⇓

RITTENHAUER: We're running low on options here, Ted.

#526

⇓

I can hold off Zalinsky for a couple of weeks.

#527

⇓

- What have we got to lose? - How about the jobs of 300 people?

#528

⇓

No offense, Tommy, but you don't know the first thing about brake pads.

#529

⇓

I know I'm probably not the answer you guys are looking for.

#530

⇓

But I feel like I gotta do something.

#531

⇓

You're right. I don't know much about this stuff.

#532

⇓

- But he does. - Oh, no.

#533

⇓

That's right. Richard knows more about brake pads than anyone in here.

#534

⇓

And since you were my dad's right-hand man

#535

⇓

I'd say you have the rest of the year pretty much wide-open.

#536

⇓

Time out. Bad idea.

#537

⇓

I don't think anyone could help Baby Huey out there on the road.

#538

⇓

Do you have a better suggestion?

#539

⇓

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)

#540

⇓

(SQUIRTING)

#541

⇓

I can actually hear you getting fatter.

#542

⇓

(INCREASES MUSIC VOLUME)

#543

⇓

What did I say about eating in the car, anyway?

#544

⇓

(MUSIC STOPS)

#545

⇓

That it's not good, 'cause it spoils your dinner?

#546

⇓

Tommy, this is not a vacation for me. I'm out here against my will.

#547

⇓

So the least you can do is pretend to work. Okay? Now, let's review.

#548

⇓

Okay, you're right. Review time. Let's do it up. Feed me.

#549

⇓

First, what are the three grades of Callahan brake pads?

#550

⇓

Personal, commercial, and agricultural.

#551

⇓

And what is our carrying charge for all the merchandise in the warehouse?

#552

⇓

Oh, man!

#553

⇓

- One and a half... - Half percent.

#554

⇓

- I knew that. Why can't I remember it? - Try an association like...

#555

⇓

Let's say, the average person uses 10 percent of their brain.

#556

⇓

How much do you use? One-and-a-half percent.

#557

⇓

The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin.

#558

⇓

(WHINING) I gotta do this.

#559

⇓

This has gotta be the one. I've gotta do this.

#560

⇓

It's gotta be me. It's gotta...

#561

⇓

- Are you ready? - Yeah. Sorry. I'm ready.

#562

⇓

- Hey, does this suit make me look fat? - No, your face does.

#563

⇓

Okay, let's check you out. All right.

#564

⇓

- It's a clip-on. - Are you sure?

#565

⇓

All right. Now, it's sale time.

#566

⇓

- So remember, we don't take no... - No shit from anyone!

#567

⇓

- No. - We don't take no prisoners.

#568

⇓

We don't take no for an answer.

#569

⇓

Oh, yeah. We don't take no for an answer.

#570

⇓

We don't take no for an answer. We don't take no for an answer.

#571

⇓

- No. - Okey-dokey.

#572

⇓

- No. - Gotcha! Thanks.

#573

⇓

Mmm-mmm.

#574

⇓

Terrific. Thanks for your time.

#575

⇓

Let me say

#576

⇓

maybe.

#577

⇓

Well, then, I'd just like to add

#578

⇓

that the spectrometer readout on the nickel-cadmium alloy mix

#579

⇓

indicates a good rich strobe and fade.

#580

⇓

Decreasing incidence of wear to the pressure plate.

#581

⇓

Whoa, little fella, you're not speaking my language.

#582

⇓

What my associate is trying to say is that

#583

⇓

our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even gonna believe it.

#584

⇓

Like, let's say you're driving along the road with your family

#585

⇓

and you're driving along.

#586

⇓

Then, all of a sudden, there's a truck tire in the middle of the road

#587

⇓

and you hit the brakes.

#588

⇓

Whoa. That was close.

#589

⇓

Now, let's see what happens when you're driving

#590

⇓

with the "other guy's" brake pads.

#591

⇓

You're driving along, all of a sudden the kids are yelling from the back seat.

#592

⇓

"I gotta go to the bathroom, Daddy." "Not now, damn it!"

#593

⇓

Truck tire.

#594

⇓

(TOMMY MIMICKS TIRES SCREECHING)

#595

⇓

"I can't stop!"

#596

⇓

Help!

#597

⇓

There's a cliff.

#598

⇓

And your family's screaming:

#599

⇓

"Oh, my God! We're burning alive!

#600

⇓

"No, I can't feel my legs!" In comes the meat wagon.

#601

⇓

(TOMMY MIMICKING A SIREN)

#602

⇓

And the medic gets out and says, "Oh, my God."

#603

⇓

New guy's in the corner puking his guts out.

#604

⇓

(TOMMY RETCHING)

#605

⇓

All because you want to save a couple extra pennies.

#606

⇓

- To me, it doesn't... - Get out.

#607

⇓

- Now. - Yes, sir.

#608

⇓

- Do you validate? - Now!

#609

⇓

Okay. Thank you.

#610

⇓

- She's a quart low. - RICHARD: Oh, yeah?

#611

⇓

Then guess what? Open it back up and put it in.

#612

⇓

That's your penance for the puppet show back there.

#613

⇓

And while you're at it, fill it up with gas, okay?

#614

⇓

I'm gonna go ask directions to our next huge, embarrassing failure.

#615

⇓

You're a huge, embarrassing failure.

#616

⇓

- RICHARD: What? - Nothing.

#617

⇓

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

#618

⇓

Chief, could you tell me how far it is to Davenport?

#619

⇓

22 miles.

#620

⇓

- Okay. I can't find it on this map. - Well, get yourself a new map.

#621

⇓

Son of a...

#622

⇓

For Pete...

#623

⇓

(SNIFFING)

#624

⇓

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

#625

⇓

Well, it's gotta be on the map.

#626

⇓

Davenport, I mean, because you say it's 22 miles away.

#627

⇓

And you're really smart. Yet it's not on the map.

#628

⇓

I'm picking up your sarcasm.

#629

⇓

I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.

#630

⇓

That's a map of Illinois, which we're in

#631

⇓

on the border of Iowa, which is where Davenport is

#632

⇓

22 miles away.

#633

⇓

You're in the wrong state. Get yourself a new map.

#634

⇓

Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?

#635

⇓

Okay. How much do I owe you for gas?

#636

⇓

- He didn't pump any. - What?

#637

⇓

Why didn't you pump any gas?

#638

⇓

They're all out. They only got diesel. Better go to the next station.

#639

⇓

What'd you do?

#640

⇓

RITTENHAUER: I’d just like to welcome you all

#641

⇓

to our annual Callahan Employee Night.

#642

⇓

I know it doesn't quite feel the same without Big Tom here.

#643

⇓

But we're still a family.

#644

⇓

So let's try and have some fun.

#645

⇓

LOUIS: Hey, Mr. Rittenhauer,

#646

⇓

is it true Tommy's on the road trying to save this place?

#647

⇓

Tom's out there filling in for his dad until we get things settled here.

#648

⇓

Are you kidding? We're all screwed.

#649

⇓

That kid's one apple that fell way off the tree.

#650

⇓

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

#651

⇓

Mommy, I want a Popsicle.

#652

⇓

"Mommy, I want a Popsicle."

#653

⇓

That hurt.

#654

⇓

You want to act like a baby, I'll treat you like one.

#655

⇓

Now, if you want to act like a big boy...

#656

⇓

- Bad Mommy. - Don't call me that. It's creepy.

#657

⇓

Come on, this is working out better than we planned.

#658

⇓

I thought it'd take a year to bleed him dry in a divorce settlement.

#659

⇓

Instead, the guy croaks and you own half the company.

#660

⇓

But it's too bad he didn't leave me any cash.

#661

⇓

You talk to the banker?

#662

⇓

Yeah. Unfortunately your stock isn't worth dick

#663

⇓

until they sell the place.

#664

⇓

That moment is rapidly approaching.

#665

⇓

- GIRL: Hi, Grandpa. - Hi.

#666

⇓

Mr. Rittenhauer, is Tommy, you know, doing okay?

#667

⇓

Well, sometimes it takes a little time for a salesman to find his style.

#668

⇓

- You think he's finding one? - I hope so.

#669

⇓

(MERRY-GO-ROUND BELL RINGING)

#670

⇓

Hold on right there, honey.

#671

⇓

- I'll see you, Michelle. - Okay. See you.

#672

⇓

I'm telling you, Paul, the only thing keeping us poor is Tommy.

#673

⇓

PAUL: The guy's an idiot.

#674

⇓

He won't sell squat.

#675

⇓

(ZIPPER OPENING)

#676

⇓

This is what I think of Callahan.

#677

⇓

Tommy save the factory. That's a laugh.

#678

⇓

(PAUL GROANING)

#679

⇓

I don't see any McKeesport.

#680

⇓

It's the next town, Tons of Fun. It's gotta be there.

#681

⇓

Okay, where's Moron?

#682

⇓

Okay, Moron's here, so McKeesport...

#683

⇓

Yeah, look, Magellan, we're at this wrinkle here.

#684

⇓

Deer!

#685

⇓

You saw what happened. There was nothing I could do, right?

#686

⇓

Maybe if you didn't lean over to insult me, you would've seen it coming.

#687

⇓

Shut up, Tommy. It's not my fault.

#688

⇓

-(SNIFFLING) Poor little furry thing. - I've never seen one close up before.

#689

⇓

What are we gonna do? We can't just leave it here.

#690

⇓

(BOTH CRYING)

#691

⇓

Oh, no, loading it up took us over an hour.

#692

⇓

Now we only got 20 minutes before Brady Automotive closes.

#693

⇓

- Where are we gonna take the deer? - I don't know, the vet?

#694

⇓

- You take dead animals to the vet? - Why not? I'd take you to the vet.

#695

⇓

Yeah, I'll take you to the...

#696

⇓

- Got that? - Shut up.

#697

⇓

He's just down the hall, sir, last door on the left.

#698

⇓

RICHARD: Thank you.

#699

⇓

What's your hurry?

#700

⇓

You know that thing in the back seat? It's not an air freshener.

#701

⇓

It's a dead, rotting deer carcass. We gotta take care of it quick.

#702

⇓

This is one of our oldest customers, so we should be in and out.

#703

⇓

This sales thing isn't so easy. You can't just go in and out.

#704

⇓

You gotta finesse them a little bit.

#705

⇓

By finesse do you mean sputtering out sentence fragments

#706

⇓

and lighting things on fire?

#707

⇓

No. But it's nice to see you again, Mr. Insult.

#708

⇓

Say, have you seen Richard anywhere? Because if you do, could you ask him

#709

⇓

I mean since he's so good, if he might want to try selling?

#710

⇓

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

#711

⇓

Watch and learn.

#712

⇓

Of course I understand what no means.

#713

⇓

But if I took no for an answer

#714

⇓

I'd wind up on a street corner selling spicy hot dogs

#715

⇓

and wearing a funny hat, right? It makes sense, doesn't it?

#716

⇓

Look, I've been doing business with Callahan since I hung out my shingle.

#717

⇓

But I don't like you.

#718

⇓

Probably never will. You're a smug, unhappy little man.

#719

⇓

And you treat people like they were idiots.

#720

⇓

(TOMMY SNICKERING)

#721

⇓

Mr. Brady, you and my dad go way back.

#722

⇓

Son, I was sorry to hear about your dad. I was.

#723

⇓

But before I decide to keep my business

#724

⇓

with your place, I'd have to come by and have a look at your new operation.

#725

⇓

I'll tell you what, you can take a good look at a butcher's ass

#726

⇓

by sticking your head up there, but wouldn't you rather take his word for it?

#727

⇓

What?

#728

⇓

I'm failing to make the connection here, son.

#729

⇓

No. I mean

#730

⇓

you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass.

#731

⇓

- But then... No. It's gotta be your bull. - Wow.

#732

⇓

Here's the deal. If I want you...

#733

⇓

- You have derailed. -(WHISPERS) Shut up, Richard.

#734

⇓

Boy, I'm really at a loss for words here.

#735

⇓

Forget it, I quit. I can't do this anymore, man.

#736

⇓

My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks.

#737

⇓

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going.

#738

⇓

My dad just died. We just killed Bambi. I'm out here getting my ass kicked

#739

⇓

and every time I drive down the road I want to jerk the wheel

#740

⇓

into a goddamn bridge abutment!

#741

⇓

I can't...

#742

⇓

We'll be in touch.

#743

⇓

- That guy might not call us. - I can't believe he called me a psycho.

#744

⇓

Were you in there just now? You are a psycho. Good God.

#745

⇓

And comb your hair.

#746

⇓

TOMMY: Well, I wouldn't say you did much better.

#747

⇓

Thought you were so cool. "Watch and learn," he says.

#748

⇓

Well, I was watching. Know what I saw?

#749

⇓

(DEER SNORTING)

#750

⇓

(BOTH SCREAMING)

#751

⇓

It's alive!

#752

⇓

I think it tried to bite me!

#753

⇓

Oh, man!

#754

⇓

(ROARING)

#755

⇓

(CAR HORN HONKING)

#756

⇓

No way that just happened.

#757

⇓

My car is completely destroyed.

#758

⇓

TOMMY: I swear I've seen a lot of stuff in my life.

#759

⇓

But that was

#760

⇓

awesome!

#761

⇓

But sorry about your car, man. That sucks.

#762

⇓

ANNOUNCER ON TV: We'll return to the Zalinsky Family

#763

⇓

Theater after these messages.

#764

⇓

RICHARD: Will you shut the window, Tom? You're letting moths in.

#765

⇓

No, it's hot in here.

#766

⇓

RICHARD: Would you please just... TOMMY: Look, it's him.

#767

⇓

America, if you need starters, spark plugs,

#768

⇓

balljoints, gaskets, cam shafts,

#769

⇓

U-joints or rocker arms, anything that can be screwed or glued

#770

⇓

to that car or truck of yours, come see old Ray.

#771

⇓

You want a guarantee? I got a guarantee stamped on every box.

#772

⇓

He's got really weird hair.

#773

⇓

But more important is the guarantee that I make to the American worker.

#774

⇓

I want your truck to help you get the job done.

#775

⇓

I want your cruiser to get out there safely, so you can clean up the streets.

#776

⇓

And I want your kids to be safe when you take them for a ride.

#777

⇓

Thanks, Ray.

#778

⇓

ZALINSKY: Thank you, son.

#779

⇓

The name's Zalinsky. I make carports for the American working man

#780

⇓

because that's what I am. And that's who I care about.

#781

⇓

(SINGING) Drive on down to Zalinsky's The auto parts king!

#782

⇓

He seems like a nice guy.

#783

⇓

This is the guy trying to buy the company

#784

⇓

not to mention put you out in the street

#785

⇓

and all you can say is, "He seems like a nice guy."

#786

⇓

He does.

#787

⇓

(PHONE RINGING)

#788

⇓

Hello.

#789

⇓

Michelle! Wow! I'm glad you called me back.

#790

⇓

Yeah, things are going great. I feel my first sale coming on real soon.

#791

⇓

Yeah, he's here.

#792

⇓

He's just going over his car insurance forms.

#793

⇓

RICHARD: Could we get any more moths in here?

#794

⇓

(VACUUM CLEANER WHOOSHING)

#795

⇓

What? Richard's vacuuming.

#796

⇓

He's vacuuming. I don't know, I guess he's clean.

#797

⇓

Michelle, can I call you back in a few minutes?

#798

⇓

Thanks. I miss you. Bye.

#799

⇓

You can't sleep with the window open.

#800

⇓

And I'm gonna lay down some other rules, too.

#801

⇓

What are you so mad about?

#802

⇓

Are you nuts? Do you even have to ask? My car is destroyed.

#803

⇓

We haven't made one sale.

#804

⇓

Which means we only have to sell about

#805

⇓

a half a million brake pads in the next 10 days.

#806

⇓

Or else the factory's going under. And the one guy that should care

#807

⇓

about all this, you, doesn't.

#808

⇓

You know what, Richard?

#809

⇓

You don't know me as good as you think you do.

#810

⇓

I care about stuff. I'm getting better at this sales thing.

#811

⇓

I'm not, but I could if you help me.

#812

⇓

Forget it. I got enough to do without having to change your diapers.

#813

⇓

Richard, is this your coat?

#814

⇓

- Don't do it. - Fat guy in a little coat.

#815

⇓

Fat guy in a little coat.

#816

⇓

Don't.

#817

⇓

(SINGING) Fat guy in a little coat

#818

⇓

Fat guy in a little coat

#819

⇓

- Take it off, dickhead. I'm serious. - Richard, what's happening...

#820

⇓

Uh-oh.

#821

⇓

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)

#822

⇓

- Good tune, man. - I don't think so.

#823

⇓

(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)

#824

⇓

Yeah. Here we go.

#825

⇓

This song sucks.

#826

⇓

(SUPERSTAR PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)

#827

⇓

- Talk about lame. - Totally.

#828

⇓

- You can change it if you want. - I don't care. It's up to you.

#829

⇓

- I can live with it if you can. - Suit yourself.

#830

⇓

(SINGING) Don't you remember you told me you loved me, baby

#831

⇓

You said you'd be coming back this way again, baby

#832

⇓

Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby

#833

⇓

I love you

#834

⇓

(BOTH SCREAMING)

#835

⇓

Oh, God.

#836

⇓

(TRUCK HONKING)

#837

⇓

I was just thinking.

#838

⇓

When we stopped for gas this morning, I think it was you who put the oil in.

#839

⇓

If you're saying I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong.

#840

⇓

I used 10W-30.

#841

⇓

Besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.

#842

⇓

True. But you can't latch the hood too well if you don't take the can out

#843

⇓

you no-selling waste of space.

#844

⇓

I swear to God you're worthless.

#845

⇓

I'm sorry about your car.

#846

⇓

But don't call me worthless. I'm trying my best.

#847

⇓

- I'm not my dad. - That's right. You're not your dad.

#848

⇓

He could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves.

#849

⇓

- Ketchup Popsicle? - Yeah!

#850

⇓

I learned everything I know from him.

#851

⇓

I didn't have a father. He looked out for me.

#852

⇓

But you, he was your real dad and you just took it for granted.

#853

⇓

"I'm Big Tom's son. He'll fix everything, so I'm allowed to be a moron."

#854

⇓

That's it!

#855

⇓

Get out! Get out of the car!

#856

⇓

It's go time. You and me!

#857

⇓

"Look, Mommy, the rhino's getting too close to the car."

#858

⇓

"Him too afraid to get out, he just a little guy."

#859

⇓

That's it, big boy. I'm gonna wail on you.

#860

⇓

You're gonna regret volunteering for this job, porky.

#861

⇓

Hey, boys and girls, it's Papa Smurf!

#862

⇓

You don't want none of me, think it through.

#863

⇓

Come on, give me your best shot. I'll give you a free one. Let me have it.

#864

⇓

That was it?

#865

⇓

Come on, you can do better than that.

#866

⇓

Can't you, Captain Limp Wrist? Try again.

#867

⇓

Everybody, is there a window open? I feel a draft.

#868

⇓

If I wanted a kiss, I would have called your mother.

#869

⇓

That was a good one.

#870

⇓

Hey, Prehistoric Forest.

#871

⇓

(I'M SORRY PLAYING)

#872

⇓

(SINGING) I'm sorry

#873

⇓

So sorry

#874

⇓

Richard, do I have a mark on my face? It really hurts.

#875

⇓

Nope, nothing. I thought I hit you in the shoulder.

#876

⇓

My shoulder doesn't hurt very much, but my face does.

#877

⇓

Right here.

#878

⇓

Not here or here so much, but right here.

#879

⇓

Nope. Shipshape.

#880

⇓

Waitress, could I get that shrimp cocktail I saw in the glass case?

#881

⇓

Yep.

#882

⇓

And, you, what can I get...

#883

⇓

- Jesus, what happened to your face? - I knew it. See, Richard?

#884

⇓

I'll have chicken wings.

#885

⇓

Kitchen's closed until dinner. We just got cold stuff and desserts.

#886

⇓

Boy, some chicken wings would really hit the spot.

#887

⇓

You sure it's closed?

#888

⇓

Let me check. Yep, it's closed.

#889

⇓

Okay. I'll just have a sugar packet or two.

#890

⇓

- Hey, what's your name? - Helen.

#891

⇓

That's nice. You look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales.

#892

⇓

Let me tell you why I suck as a salesman.

#893

⇓

Let's say I go into some guy's office.

#894

⇓

Let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something.

#895

⇓

Then I get all excited.

#896

⇓

I'm like Jo Jo the Idiot Circus Boy with a pretty new pet.

#897

⇓

The pet is my possible sale.

#898

⇓

My pretty little pet, I love you.

#899

⇓

So I stroke it and I pet it and I massage it.

#900

⇓

I love it.

#901

⇓

I love my little naughty pet. You're naughty.

#902

⇓

Then I take my naughty pet and I go...

#903

⇓

(SQUAWKING)

#904

⇓

(EXCLAIMING)

#905

⇓

I killed it!

#906

⇓

I killed my sale!

#907

⇓

That's when I blow it.

#908

⇓

That's when people like us have got to forge ahead, Helen.

#909

⇓

Am I right?

#910

⇓

God, you're sick.

#911

⇓

Tell you what.

#912

⇓

I'll go turn the fryers back on and throw some wings in for you.

#913

⇓

TOMMY: Thanks, Helen.

#914

⇓

Tommy likey. Tommy want wingy.

#915

⇓

Did that board to the head knock something loose?

#916

⇓

What are you talking about?

#917

⇓

That 180 you just pulled with the waitress.

#918

⇓

- Why can't you sell like that? - I was just having fun.

#919

⇓

If we didn't get the wings, so what?

#920

⇓

We still got that Meat Lover's pizza in the trunk.

#921

⇓

You got the wings 'cause you were relaxed, so you had confidence.

#922

⇓

And that's what it takes to sell, confidence. Your dad had that.

#923

⇓

Why do you always have to de-turd these things?

#924

⇓

- My dad was smart, I'm not. - Very true.

#925

⇓

But there's two types of smarts,

#926

⇓

book smarts, which waved bye-bye to you long ago

#927

⇓

and there's street smart, the ability to read people.

#928

⇓

And you know how to do that just like your dad.

#929

⇓

He was the best at knowing what people wanted to hear

#930

⇓

and what people needed to hear. That's what selling is all about.

#931

⇓

In a way, these people are buying you, not just brake pads.

#932

⇓

Hey, everybody. It's Tony Robbins.

#933

⇓

- Maybe you're right, Richard. - I think I am.

#934

⇓

Holy Lord, look at this guy. Caught him right after Thanksgiving feast.

#935

⇓

- Nice, Richard. - God, I need a pooper-scooper.

#936

⇓

I like your line. And I like your prices. But there's a problem.

#937

⇓

There's no guarantee on the box.

#938

⇓

Heck, if something breaks down you can call me, even if I'm home watching TV.

#939

⇓

Callahan has guaranteed every part sold since 1925.

#940

⇓

Maybe so, but it's not on the box.

#941

⇓

It should always be on the box, comforting you, calling out:

#942

⇓

"I'm good. I'll never let you down.

#943

⇓

"But if I do, I'm gonna make things all better."

#944

⇓

Our brake pads are made with a non-corrosive polyplated...

#945

⇓

If you're not talking about a guarantee, skip it.

#946

⇓

My customers need to see that little label looking them right in the eye.

#947

⇓

You can get a good look at your butcher...

#948

⇓

- No. - What?

#949

⇓

- Remember, chicken wings. - Chicken wings?

#950

⇓

All right, you want to talk about guarantees, then...

#951

⇓

Fellows, you just ran out of time.

#952

⇓

Chicken wings.

#953

⇓

Let's think about this for a sec, Ted.

#954

⇓

Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box?

#955

⇓

- Very interesting. - Go on, I'm listening.

#956

⇓

Here's the way I see it.

#957

⇓

A guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box

#958

⇓

because he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.

#959

⇓

- Yeah. Makes a man feel good. - Of course it does. Why shouldn't it?

#960

⇓

You figure you put that box under your pillow at night

#961

⇓

the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?

#962

⇓

What's your point?

#963

⇓

The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a Krazy Glue sniffer?

#964

⇓

"Build a model airplane," says the little fairy. Well, we're not buying it.

#965

⇓

He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes.

#966

⇓

Next thing there's money missing off the dresser, your daughter's knocked up.

#967

⇓

I've seen it 100 times...

#968

⇓

But why do they put a guarantee on the box then?

#969

⇓

Because they know all they sold you was a guaranteed piece of shit.

#970

⇓

That's all it is, isn't it?

#971

⇓

If you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will.

#972

⇓

I got spare time.

#973

⇓

But for now, for your customers' sake, for your daughter's sake

#974

⇓

you might want to think about buying a quality product from me.

#975

⇓

- Okay, I'll buy from you. - Well, that's...

#976

⇓

- What? - What?

#977

⇓

He's made one deal, Paul, it's not the end of the world.

#978

⇓

What would be good for us? We want to sell the factory.

#979

⇓

They're not gonna sell the factory as long as Tommy keeps making sales.

#980

⇓

Why don't you come to bed?

#981

⇓

I got it! What does every factory need?

#982

⇓

Trucks. They make stuff. They've got to ship it, it's a must.

#983

⇓

You see, it's all very simple really.

#984

⇓

Stop the trucks, stop Tommy Boy.

#985

⇓

(DOG GROWLING)

#986

⇓

(WHINING)

#987

⇓

God!

#988

⇓

Not good.

#989

⇓

(SCREAMING)

#990

⇓

Come on, man. Let's at least take five minutes to celebrate our first victory.

#991

⇓

Look, we got lucky, don't jinx it.

#992

⇓

We only have a week left before the loan's due.

#993

⇓

I've gotta finish figuring out our trip tonight so we can jam out early.

#994

⇓

I'll tell you what. You work out all the scientific stuff,

#995

⇓

I'll go out and get a pizza.

#996

⇓

The only thing I need to figure out

#997

⇓

is whether to get Chicago style or the thin crust.

#998

⇓

The salesman has left the building.

#999

⇓

See you in a little bit.

#1000

⇓

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