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» S01E07 — Tim Robinson
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Season 1, Episode 7 — Tim Robinson
#1
[piano music playing]
#2
[laughter]
#3
[Tim] So I look at him and I say,
#5
Why don't you tell us another story, Tim?
#6
[shouts] No!
#7
Uh-uh.
#9
Why don't one of you tell me a story?
#10
Go.
#11
When I was a small, small boy,
#12
I had big, big muscles.
#15
That?
#16
That's Sammy Paradise!
#17
Old Two Eyes himself.
#18
Can I take your hat and coat?
#20
Wow! Thank you, Mr. Paradise!
#21
♪ Lady Luck ♪
#22
♪ They call her Lady Luck ♪
#23
♪ When she kisses me, I'm in heaven ♪
#24
♪ I'm as lucky as lucky seven ♪
#25
Champagne, Mr. Paradise?
#27
Shake it up, and just let it spill, baby!
#29
♪ Cha-ching! She's a dame who's fine ♪
#30
♪ Ka-pow! And she's mine, oh, mine ♪
#31
♪ Lady Luck ♪
#32
I'll take a steak. The usual.
#35
Thanks, Mr. Paradise!
#36
♪ Zowee! She's the girl with the most ♪
#37
♪ Ka-powee! And I'm her host ♪
#38
♪ Lady Luck ♪
#39
Thanks for the rib-eye, pally.
#40
Here's a tip--
#41
find a new line of work!
#42
Here's another tip--
#43
a cool grand.
#44
Wowee! Thanks, Mr. Paradise!
#45
♪ Good fortune ♪
#46
♪ Ring-a-ding-dong ♪
#47
♪ I can sing to her all night long ♪
#48
♪ Lady Luck ♪
#49
Make a wish.
#50
Hot dog!
#51
Hey! Eyes off the merchandise, pal.
#52
The lady's spoken for.
#53
♪ Lady Luck ♪
#54
All bets.
#55
Put it all on seven.
#56
♪ Lady Luck ♪
#57
♪ They call her Lady Luck ♪
#58
Blow on them, doll.
#59
♪ When she kisses me, I'm in heaven ♪
#60
Snake eyes!
#61
Snake eyes?
#62
Snake eyes?
#63
[shouts] Oh, no!
#64
No!
#65
I'm ruined!
#66
You! You jinxed them!
#67
What? I did not!
#69
I'm broke!
#70
I'm a dead man!
#71
Sammy, cool it! Take it easy.
#72
Get off me!
#73
Hey, fat fuck!
#74
That's my steak!
#75
I paid for it, I'm eating it!
#77
Come on, you fat fuck!
#79
It's overcooked.
#81
I don't think so, Mr. Paradise.
#82
You, give me my grand back, asshole!
#84
Look at that! I'm rich again!
#85
♪ Lady Luck ♪
#86
♪ They call her Lady Luck ♪
#88
[screams] I'm a dead man!
#89
Sammy, we should go.
#91
One night, $1,000. Anything you want.
#93
Rip her teeth, keep them as souvenirs.
#95
Fine. That's fair.
#96
I feel like that's fair.
#97
Sure. I'm just gonna get my quarter.
#99
Ow! It burned me!
#100
The fountain burned me! It's piping hot!
#101
It is not hot, Mr. Paradise.
#102
Who cares?
#103
All right.
#104
Who wants to buy a toupee?
#105
It's just the top and one side.
#106
This side's all natural, baby!
#107
Oh, Sammy!
#108
All right, folks.
#109
I'm going to go in the bathroom
#110
and I'm going to suck my own dick.
#112
Mr. Paradise!
#113
I'm going in.
#114
The show is about to start!
#116
[door closing]
#117
[Sammy] Yeah, nobody came in.
#119
[groans] Oh, God.
#120
[moans] I can't fricking reach!
#121
I touched it!
#122
[telephone ringing]
#123
Yeah? Mitchell's Limos.
#124
Uh-huh, we got limos.
#125
No, you're thinking of a hearse.
#126
Hey, fella. Dumb much?
#128
Anyway, back to my story.
#130
and the groom said--
#131
And let me guess.
#135
Oh, boy! Here comes Morley.
#136
I'm just doing OK.
#139
I'm such a jazz head, right?
#140
I've said that.
#141
Notice anything different about me?
#142
You kind of grew a mustache?
#143
Yeah.
#144
Yeah, just a little weekend project.
#145
Just like Mike's.
#146
Hey, Mike.
#147
All right.
#148
Back to the grind.
#149
[telephone ringing]
#151
Hey, Morley. It's 1981.
#152
We want our mustache back.
#153
Hello?
#154
Yeah, it's 1981.
#155
We want our mustache back.
#156
This is me from 1981?
#157
Yeah.
#158
I want my mustache back.
#162
God damn it.
#163
Hey, Morley?
#164
Are you doing OK, bud?
#165
You know what, Steven? Yeah.
#166
Yeah.
#168
That's great, Morley.
#169
That's really great.
#170
Thanks, Mike. You're my best friend here.
#171
Hey, Rog!
#174
King of the slams!
#175
[shouts] Hold on a damn minute!
#176
You spoke to my mother last night?
#177
Yeah.
#178
Oh, geez. Oh, geez.
#179
Hello, Dad?
#181
The good news is Mom's still alive.
#183
Yeah. No, he is very cool.
#185
Uncle Dave's not over, is he?
#186
Good. I fucking hate that guy.
#187
[shouts] Yes, sir!
#188
Yes, sir!
#189
Yes, sir, Sergeant!
#190
Affirmative!
#191
Affirmative!
#192
I love you.
#193
[whispers] Say it, say it, say it.
#194
God, this work retreat is so boring.
#195
At least it's almost lunch.
#196
Yeah, first there's music.
#197
Last year we had Bonnie Raitt,
#198
and she was so awesome.
#199
Well, this year...
#200
we've got the Pointer Brothers.
#201
Oh. Do they do Pointer Sisters songs?
#202
I would assume so.
#203
Anything else would be plain stupid.
#205
for the Pointer Brothers!
#206
[cheesy pop music playing]
#207
What are they doing?
#209
And by the end of the night tonight,
#211
Oh, no! That can't be what this is!
#212
There's, like, a thousand of us in here.
#213
OK, folks. Now, here's how it works.
#214
Everybody, stand up.
#215
Once you've been pointed at, sit down.
#218
Wait to be pointed.
#222
So do they not sing?
#223
I think that they just point.
#224
That can't be it!
#227
Well, it's not that bad.
#228
I pointed at him...
#229
him...
#230
her...
#232
Don't tell me what to do.
#236
It's Waggoo!
#237
Hey, everybody! Waggoo!
#239
Now, Waggoo hates points.
#240
He takes them away.
#242
Throw your hand back up
#243
and we will re-point you.
#244
And, ladies!
#245
Do not let Waggoo touch you.
#246
He's not allowed.
#247
Not allowed. Do you hear me, Paul?
#248
[Waggoo] OK, man. Leave me alone.
#249
Not after what you did.
#252
So, ma'am, why don't you come on up here?
#253
Hurry, though.
#254
Let's go!
#255
Come on! Come on! Hurry up!
#257
Don't make excuses.
#259
You have to help. You have to help.
#260
Come on, get up! Get up!
#261
All right, ma'am.
#262
Have we pointed at you yet?
#267
One of these guys will catch you!
#269
Let's go. Get off, get off. Go, go.
#270
[bang]
#271
Shut the fuck up!
#274
[Pointer Brother #2] Oh, fuck you!
#276
Folks, here we go!
#277
[cheesy pop music playing]
#281
Sharon?
#282
Come on, Sharon!
#284
Come on, Sharon.
#286
What is going on with you?
#293
God damn it! We're in the weeds now, man!
#294
Waggoo, you green piece of shit!
#295
Who hasn't been pointed at?
#298
You fucking suck!
#300
You suck!
#301
This is your wife. This is your wife.
#302
That's your wife, man!
#303
That's your lady!
#304
Fight me!
#305
[screams] Now!
#307
Hi there, Tampa wrestling fans.
#309
I am here with Fighting Jake Fletcher.
#312
and he came out on top.
#313
Yep.
#315
But Dump Truck, he tricked me.
#316
He didn't follow the rules.
#317
So this time, Dump Truck,
#319
No girlfriend jumping in,
#320
no hitting me with a chair.
#321
Just man-on-man, hardcore...
#322
match.
#324
...on you!
#325
[audience cheering]
#326
[bell ringing]
#327
How did it go out there?
#328
He beat me.
#329
Fair and square.
#330
He agreed to all my terms,
#331
didn't need any tricks, nobody jumping in.
#332
Overpowered me.
#333
Simply a stronger man.
#336
But do you know who pisses me off?
#337
Cosskie the Russian.
#339
This win's for you, America!
#340
[bell ringing]
#341
What happened?
#342
I lost...
#343
pretty bad.
#346
I didn't like that one bit.
#348
Don't spit on me!
#349
It's just a game!
#350
What are you...?
#351
I'll tell you this.
#352
Don't do that to me ever again.
#353
[bell ringing]
#354
Did he spit on you?
#355
Yep.
#357
My beef's not with you, Cosskie.
#358
I know you can beat me!
#359
I was never arguing that.
#361
Everyone can beat me...
#362
except one guy.
#363
Sheikhzilla.
#365
[bell ringing]
#366
You beat me! Who cares?
#367
You been doing it way longer.
#368
But next week, I got a plan.
#369
[bell ringing]
#371
He put me in a choke hold and said,
#376
I choose it every time.
#377
Did he torch the flag, Jake?
#378
It goes without saying, Rusty.
#379
But I'll tell you this.
#380
I am down, but I am not out.
#382
[bell ringing]
#385
It's about next week,
#386
when I get in a steel-cage match
#387
with Cosskie, Sheikhzilla
#388
and Dump Truck.
#389
And it's a steel cage, so I can't leave!
#392
Jake's nodding. He's agreeing to it.
#393
He's crapped his pants, everybody.
#394
Jake's up and mouthing, "Who cares?"
#395
Here comes the kick in the back.
#397
[bell ringing]
#398
[bird chirping]
#399
[baby crying]
#400
Shh.
#401
[whispers] There you go. There you go.
#402
Go to sleep, my little girl.
#403
I can't wait to watch you grow.
#406
♪ I sit and think about your life ♪
#407
♪ I hope you have some best friends ♪
#408
♪ And a perfect house ♪
#409
♪ You'll make a beautiful wife ♪
#410
♪ When you are four years old ♪
#413
♪ Holding tears back ♪
#414
♪ With all my might ♪
#415
♪ And as you grow and grow ♪
#416
♪ And have your first prom ♪
#417
♪ You walk on down those stairs ♪
#419
♪ And you will know how much I care ♪
#420
♪ When you go off to college ♪
#423
♪ I will be so goddamn proud of you ♪
#424
♪ You'll meet the man of your dreams ♪
#426
♪ His name will be Jeff ♪
#427
♪ He will have a good job ♪
#428
♪ And your life will be so complete ♪
#429
♪ Jeff rides a motorcycle ♪
#430
♪ He takes you for rides ♪
#431
♪ And he helps me around the house ♪
#433
♪ He'll buy you your favorite blouse ♪
#435
♪ He's funny as goddamn hell ♪
#437
♪ Fricking Jeff, funny as hell! ♪
#442
♪ I crack up ♪
#445
♪ And kisses my daughter so damn hard ♪
#446
♪ So damn hard ♪
#447
[whispers] ♪ So damn hard ♪
#451
♪ You are working late tonight ♪
#452
♪ And Jeff lowers his head ♪
#453
♪ And he looks real sad ♪
#454
♪ And I swear that he might cry ♪
#455
♪ I said, "Hey there, Jeff" ♪
#458
♪ I hold onto his waist so tight ♪
#459
♪ Well, the bike and the wind ♪
#460
♪ And the rubber of the road ♪
#461
♪ Jeff and I are going fast as light ♪
#467
♪ As we make our way back to the bike ♪
#468
♪ Well, I step on the road ♪
#469
♪ I don't see the truck coming ♪
#470
♪ Jeff shoves me ♪
#471
♪ And he saves my life ♪
#472
♪ As Jeff lays dying on that road ♪
#473
♪ The blood pours out of him ♪
#474
♪ Just like red wine ♪
#476
♪ And his head falls ♪
#477
♪ And he closes his eyes... ♪
#478
[screams] No!
#479
♪ He closes his eyes ♪
#480
♪ Jeff gave his life for your dad ♪
#481
♪ He's the best guy in the world ♪
#482
♪ I miss him ♪
#483
[sniffs]
#484
[sobs] ♪ I miss him ♪
#485
♪ I miss him ♪
#486
♪ I miss Jeff ♪
#487
[whispers] ♪ Every day ♪
#488
[whispers] Good night. I love you.
#489
Welcome to the Old Gun Barn.
#490
What can I do for you, sir?
#492
It is. I need it for protection.
#493
You've come to the right place.
#495
It's heavy.
#497
Stop right there.
#498
Put your hands up, punk.
#499
Say I didn't clog your toilet.
#500
Say it to my face, punk.
#502
Self-defense.
#503
If you say so.
#505
Oh, it's nice.
#506
Well, well, well.
#507
Make my day, lady at Red Robin,
#509
Say you were joking.
#510
Say I am allowed back in Red Robin,
#511
and I didn't do an absolute paint job
#512
in the men's restroom.
#514
Yes.
#517
Well, well, well.
#518
If it isn't the Greyhound bus driver,
#519
who told everyone I took a dump so bad
#521
Yeah, I went in there,
#523
I saw who did it.
#525
He was wearing a captain's hat.
#526
But you told everybody it was me.
#527
Even George Lopez,
#529
Announce that it wasn't me!
#531
This is good. I like this one.
#533
...check this one out.
#534
Well, well, well.
#535
If it isn't the maid at the La Quinta Inn
#537
I said I would take care of it myself.
#539
in front of all the other customers,
#540
including George Lopez.
#541
And maybe now you won't have the manager
#543
before you consent to clean the toilet.
#546
Did that really happen?
#552
Well, well, well.
#554
Remember me?
#555
I'm the guy who solved all the clues,
#557
And then I accidentally...
#558
...used the fake men's room.
#560
because the fake toilet didn't flush.
#561
And then you said, in front of everyone,
#562
"Who does puzzle room by themselves?
#564
And I said,
#565
"I like puzzles."
#568
without getting it all over yourself?"
#569
Yeah, buddy, I never do this...
#570
but I can't sell you a gun.
#571
Sure. I understand.
#574
OK.
#575
See you.
#576
[man] Good morrow.
#577
May I use your bathroom?
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