Home » Netflix Presents - The Characters » S01E07 — Tim Robinson

Netflix Presents - The Characters

Season 1, Episode 7 — Tim Robinson

#1
[piano music playing]

#2
[laughter]

#3
[Tim] So I look at him and I say,

#5
Why don't you tell us another story, Tim?

#6
[shouts] No!

#7
Uh-uh.

#9
Why don't one of you tell me a story?

#10
Go.

#11
When I was a small, small boy,

#12
I had big, big muscles.

#15
That?

#16
That's Sammy Paradise!

#17
Old Two Eyes himself.

#18
Can I take your hat and coat?

#20
Wow! Thank you, Mr. Paradise!

#21
♪ Lady Luck ♪

#22
♪ They call her Lady Luck ♪

#23
♪ When she kisses me, I'm in heaven ♪

#24
♪ I'm as lucky as lucky seven ♪

#25
Champagne, Mr. Paradise?

#27
Shake it up, and just let it spill, baby!

#29
♪ Cha-ching! She's a dame who's fine ♪

#30
♪ Ka-pow! And she's mine, oh, mine ♪

#31
♪ Lady Luck ♪

#32
I'll take a steak. The usual.

#35
Thanks, Mr. Paradise!

#36
♪ Zowee! She's the girl with the most ♪

#37
♪ Ka-powee! And I'm her host ♪

#38
♪ Lady Luck ♪

#39
Thanks for the rib-eye, pally.

#40
Here's a tip--

#41
find a new line of work!

#42
Here's another tip--

#43
a cool grand.

#44
Wowee! Thanks, Mr. Paradise!

#45
♪ Good fortune ♪

#46
♪ Ring-a-ding-dong ♪

#47
♪ I can sing to her all night long ♪

#48
♪ Lady Luck ♪

#49
Make a wish.

#50
Hot dog!

#51
Hey! Eyes off the merchandise, pal.

#52
The lady's spoken for.

#53
♪ Lady Luck ♪

#54
All bets.

#55
Put it all on seven.

#56
♪ Lady Luck ♪

#57
♪ They call her Lady Luck ♪

#58
Blow on them, doll.

#59
♪ When she kisses me, I'm in heaven ♪

#60
Snake eyes!

#61
Snake eyes?

#62
Snake eyes?

#63
[shouts] Oh, no!

#64
No!

#65
I'm ruined!

#66
You! You jinxed them!

#67
What? I did not!

#69
I'm broke!

#70
I'm a dead man!

#71
Sammy, cool it! Take it easy.

#72
Get off me!

#73
Hey, fat fuck!

#74
That's my steak!

#75
I paid for it, I'm eating it!

#77
Come on, you fat fuck!

#79
It's overcooked.

#81
I don't think so, Mr. Paradise.

#82
You, give me my grand back, asshole!

#84
Look at that! I'm rich again!

#85
♪ Lady Luck ♪

#86
♪ They call her Lady Luck ♪

#88
[screams] I'm a dead man!

#89
Sammy, we should go.

#91
One night, $1,000. Anything you want.

#93
Rip her teeth, keep them as souvenirs.

#95
Fine. That's fair.

#96
I feel like that's fair.

#97
Sure. I'm just gonna get my quarter.

#99
Ow! It burned me!

#100
The fountain burned me! It's piping hot!

#101
It is not hot, Mr. Paradise.

#102
Who cares?

#103
All right.

#104
Who wants to buy a toupee?

#105
It's just the top and one side.

#106
This side's all natural, baby!

#107
Oh, Sammy!

#108
All right, folks.

#109
I'm going to go in the bathroom

#110
and I'm going to suck my own dick.

#112
Mr. Paradise!

#113
I'm going in.

#114
The show is about to start!

#116
[door closing]

#117
[Sammy] Yeah, nobody came in.

#119
[groans] Oh, God.

#120
[moans] I can't fricking reach!

#121
I touched it!

#122
[telephone ringing]

#123
Yeah? Mitchell's Limos.

#124
Uh-huh, we got limos.

#125
No, you're thinking of a hearse.

#126
Hey, fella. Dumb much?

#128
Anyway, back to my story.

#130
and the groom said--

#131
And let me guess.

#135
Oh, boy! Here comes Morley.

#136
I'm just doing OK.

#139
I'm such a jazz head, right?

#140
I've said that.

#141
Notice anything different about me?

#142
You kind of grew a mustache?

#143
Yeah.

#144
Yeah, just a little weekend project.

#145
Just like Mike's.

#146
Hey, Mike.

#147
All right.

#148
Back to the grind.

#149
[telephone ringing]

#151
Hey, Morley. It's 1981.

#152
We want our mustache back.

#153
Hello?

#154
Yeah, it's 1981.

#155
We want our mustache back.

#156
This is me from 1981?

#157
Yeah.

#158
I want my mustache back.

#162
God damn it.

#163
Hey, Morley?

#164
Are you doing OK, bud?

#165
You know what, Steven? Yeah.

#166
Yeah.

#168
That's great, Morley.

#169
That's really great.

#170
Thanks, Mike. You're my best friend here.

#171
Hey, Rog!

#174
King of the slams!

#175
[shouts] Hold on a damn minute!

#176
You spoke to my mother last night?

#177
Yeah.

#178
Oh, geez. Oh, geez.

#179
Hello, Dad?

#181
The good news is Mom's still alive.

#183
Yeah. No, he is very cool.

#185
Uncle Dave's not over, is he?

#186
Good. I fucking hate that guy.

#187
[shouts] Yes, sir!

#188
Yes, sir!

#189
Yes, sir, Sergeant!

#190
Affirmative!

#191
Affirmative!

#192
I love you.

#193
[whispers] Say it, say it, say it.

#194
God, this work retreat is so boring.

#195
At least it's almost lunch.

#196
Yeah, first there's music.

#197
Last year we had Bonnie Raitt,

#198
and she was so awesome.

#199
Well, this year...

#200
we've got the Pointer Brothers.

#201
Oh. Do they do Pointer Sisters songs?

#202
I would assume so.

#203
Anything else would be plain stupid.

#205
for the Pointer Brothers!

#206
[cheesy pop music playing]

#207
What are they doing?

#209
And by the end of the night tonight,

#211
Oh, no! That can't be what this is!

#212
There's, like, a thousand of us in here.

#213
OK, folks. Now, here's how it works.

#214
Everybody, stand up.

#215
Once you've been pointed at, sit down.

#218
Wait to be pointed.

#222
So do they not sing?

#223
I think that they just point.

#224
That can't be it!

#227
Well, it's not that bad.

#228
I pointed at him...

#229
him...

#230
her...

#232
Don't tell me what to do.

#236
It's Waggoo!

#237
Hey, everybody! Waggoo!

#239
Now, Waggoo hates points.

#240
He takes them away.

#242
Throw your hand back up

#243
and we will re-point you.

#244
And, ladies!

#245
Do not let Waggoo touch you.

#246
He's not allowed.

#247
Not allowed. Do you hear me, Paul?

#248
[Waggoo] OK, man. Leave me alone.

#249
Not after what you did.

#252
So, ma'am, why don't you come on up here?

#253
Hurry, though.

#254
Let's go!

#255
Come on! Come on! Hurry up!

#257
Don't make excuses.

#259
You have to help. You have to help.

#260
Come on, get up! Get up!

#261
All right, ma'am.

#262
Have we pointed at you yet?

#267
One of these guys will catch you!

#269
Let's go. Get off, get off. Go, go.

#270
[bang]

#271
Shut the fuck up!

#274
[Pointer Brother #2] Oh, fuck you!

#276
Folks, here we go!

#277
[cheesy pop music playing]

#281
Sharon?

#282
Come on, Sharon!

#284
Come on, Sharon.

#286
What is going on with you?

#293
God damn it! We're in the weeds now, man!

#294
Waggoo, you green piece of shit!

#295
Who hasn't been pointed at?

#298
You fucking suck!

#300
You suck!

#301
This is your wife. This is your wife.

#302
That's your wife, man!

#303
That's your lady!

#304
Fight me!

#305
[screams] Now!

#307
Hi there, Tampa wrestling fans.

#309
I am here with Fighting Jake Fletcher.

#312
and he came out on top.

#313
Yep.

#315
But Dump Truck, he tricked me.

#316
He didn't follow the rules.

#317
So this time, Dump Truck,

#319
No girlfriend jumping in,

#320
no hitting me with a chair.

#321
Just man-on-man, hardcore...

#322
match.

#324
...on you!

#325
[audience cheering]

#326
[bell ringing]

#327
How did it go out there?

#328
He beat me.

#329
Fair and square.

#330
He agreed to all my terms,

#331
didn't need any tricks, nobody jumping in.

#332
Overpowered me.

#333
Simply a stronger man.

#336
But do you know who pisses me off?

#337
Cosskie the Russian.

#339
This win's for you, America!

#340
[bell ringing]

#341
What happened?

#342
I lost...

#343
pretty bad.

#346
I didn't like that one bit.

#348
Don't spit on me!

#349
It's just a game!

#350
What are you...?

#351
I'll tell you this.

#352
Don't do that to me ever again.

#353
[bell ringing]

#354
Did he spit on you?

#355
Yep.

#357
My beef's not with you, Cosskie.

#358
I know you can beat me!

#359
I was never arguing that.

#361
Everyone can beat me...

#362
except one guy.

#363
Sheikhzilla.

#365
[bell ringing]

#366
You beat me! Who cares?

#367
You been doing it way longer.

#368
But next week, I got a plan.

#369
[bell ringing]

#371
He put me in a choke hold and said,

#376
I choose it every time.

#377
Did he torch the flag, Jake?

#378
It goes without saying, Rusty.

#379
But I'll tell you this.

#380
I am down, but I am not out.

#382
[bell ringing]

#385
It's about next week,

#386
when I get in a steel-cage match

#387
with Cosskie, Sheikhzilla

#388
and Dump Truck.

#389
And it's a steel cage, so I can't leave!

#392
Jake's nodding. He's agreeing to it.

#393
He's crapped his pants, everybody.

#394
Jake's up and mouthing, "Who cares?"

#395
Here comes the kick in the back.

#397
[bell ringing]

#398
[bird chirping]

#399
[baby crying]

#400
Shh.

#401
[whispers] There you go. There you go.

#402
Go to sleep, my little girl.

#403
I can't wait to watch you grow.

#406
♪ I sit and think about your life ♪

#407
♪ I hope you have some best friends ♪

#408
♪ And a perfect house ♪

#409
♪ You'll make a beautiful wife ♪

#410
♪ When you are four years old ♪

#413
♪ Holding tears back ♪

#414
♪ With all my might ♪

#415
♪ And as you grow and grow ♪

#416
♪ And have your first prom ♪

#417
♪ You walk on down those stairs ♪

#419
♪ And you will know how much I care ♪

#420
♪ When you go off to college ♪

#423
♪ I will be so goddamn proud of you ♪

#424
♪ You'll meet the man of your dreams ♪

#426
♪ His name will be Jeff ♪

#427
♪ He will have a good job ♪

#428
♪ And your life will be so complete ♪

#429
♪ Jeff rides a motorcycle ♪

#430
♪ He takes you for rides ♪

#431
♪ And he helps me around the house ♪

#433
♪ He'll buy you your favorite blouse ♪

#435
♪ He's funny as goddamn hell ♪

#437
♪ Fricking Jeff, funny as hell! ♪

#442
♪ I crack up ♪

#445
♪ And kisses my daughter so damn hard ♪

#446
♪ So damn hard ♪

#447
[whispers] ♪ So damn hard ♪

#451
♪ You are working late tonight ♪

#452
♪ And Jeff lowers his head ♪

#453
♪ And he looks real sad ♪

#454
♪ And I swear that he might cry ♪

#455
♪ I said, "Hey there, Jeff" ♪

#458
♪ I hold onto his waist so tight ♪

#459
♪ Well, the bike and the wind ♪

#460
♪ And the rubber of the road ♪

#461
♪ Jeff and I are going fast as light ♪

#467
♪ As we make our way back to the bike ♪

#468
♪ Well, I step on the road ♪

#469
♪ I don't see the truck coming ♪

#470
♪ Jeff shoves me ♪

#471
♪ And he saves my life ♪

#472
♪ As Jeff lays dying on that road ♪

#473
♪ The blood pours out of him ♪

#474
♪ Just like red wine ♪

#476
♪ And his head falls ♪

#477
♪ And he closes his eyes... ♪

#478
[screams] No!

#479
♪ He closes his eyes ♪

#480
♪ Jeff gave his life for your dad ♪

#481
♪ He's the best guy in the world ♪

#482
♪ I miss him ♪

#483
[sniffs]

#484
[sobs] ♪ I miss him ♪

#485
♪ I miss him ♪

#486
♪ I miss Jeff ♪

#487
[whispers] ♪ Every day ♪

#488
[whispers] Good night. I love you.

#489
Welcome to the Old Gun Barn.

#490
What can I do for you, sir?

#492
It is. I need it for protection.

#493
You've come to the right place.

#495
It's heavy.

#497
Stop right there.

#498
Put your hands up, punk.

#499
Say I didn't clog your toilet.

#500
Say it to my face, punk.

#502
Self-defense.

#503
If you say so.

#505
Oh, it's nice.

#506
Well, well, well.

#507
Make my day, lady at Red Robin,

#509
Say you were joking.

#510
Say I am allowed back in Red Robin,

#511
and I didn't do an absolute paint job

#512
in the men's restroom.

#514
Yes.

#517
Well, well, well.

#518
If it isn't the Greyhound bus driver,

#519
who told everyone I took a dump so bad

#521
Yeah, I went in there,

#523
I saw who did it.

#525
He was wearing a captain's hat.

#526
But you told everybody it was me.

#527
Even George Lopez,

#529
Announce that it wasn't me!

#531
This is good. I like this one.

#533
...check this one out.

#534
Well, well, well.

#535
If it isn't the maid at the La Quinta Inn

#537
I said I would take care of it myself.

#539
in front of all the other customers,

#540
including George Lopez.

#541
And maybe now you won't have the manager

#543
before you consent to clean the toilet.

#546
Did that really happen?

#552
Well, well, well.

#554
Remember me?

#555
I'm the guy who solved all the clues,

#557
And then I accidentally...

#558
...used the fake men's room.

#560
because the fake toilet didn't flush.

#561
And then you said, in front of everyone,

#562
"Who does puzzle room by themselves?

#564
And I said,

#565
"I like puzzles."

#568
without getting it all over yourself?"

#569
Yeah, buddy, I never do this...

#570
but I can't sell you a gun.

#571
Sure. I understand.

#574
OK.

#575
See you.

#576
[man] Good morrow.

#577
May I use your bathroom?

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