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Blazing Saddles (1974)
» S01E01 — Blazing Saddles (1974)
Blazing Saddles (1974)
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Season 1, Episode 1 — Blazing Saddles (1974)
Come on, boys!
#1
⇓
...you'd think it was 120°...
#3
⇓
It can't be more than 114.
#4
⇓
"I get no kick from champagne.
#9
⇓
"Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all.
#10
⇓
"So tell me why should it be true...
#11
⇓
"...that I get a belt out of you?
#12
⇓
"Some get a kick from cocaine."
#13
⇓
What the hell is that shit?
#14
⇓
I meant a song. A real song.
#15
⇓
Something like...
#16
⇓
"Swing low, sweet chariot..."
#17
⇓
Swing low? Sweet chariot?
#18
⇓
Don't know that one, huh?
#19
⇓
How about "De Camp Town Ladies"?
#20
⇓
"De Camp Town Ladies"?
#21
⇓
Ah, you know.
#22
⇓
Better check it out.
#32
⇓
Send over a couple of niggers.
#35
⇓
You and you.
#36
⇓
Just trying to help you out.
#40
⇓
I didn't know your grandma was Dutch!
#41
⇓
Am I wrong...
#46
⇓
...or is the world rising?
#47
⇓
Let me ask you something.
#49
⇓
Quicksand!
#51
⇓
Oh, shit, quicksand!
#52
⇓
Goddang, now we are in trouble!
#53
⇓
They're in trouble!
#54
⇓
Dang, that was lucky.
#56
⇓
Doggone near lost a $400 hand cart.
#57
⇓
Well, boys, the break is over.
#65
⇓
Don't just lay there getting a suntan.
#66
⇓
Won't do you any good, anyhow!
#67
⇓
What?
#69
⇓
Don't do that now!
#70
⇓
I have to.
#71
⇓
Quicksand. Splendid.
#75
⇓
Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge. Splendid.
#77
⇓
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
#78
⇓
Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge.
#79
⇓
Be still, Taggart. Be still.
#80
⇓
Ditto!
#83
⇓
Ditto? Ditto, you provincial putz!
#84
⇓
I'm sorry, sir.
#85
⇓
A plan. We need a plan.
#86
⇓
What in the hell was that?
#87
⇓
We can't hear ourselves think!
#88
⇓
...and it's utter chaos down here.
#90
⇓
But as you can see...
#92
⇓
...this one is a doozey.
#93
⇓
Now, let's see. Where were we?
#95
⇓
Rock Ridge.
#96
⇓
There must be a way.
#100
⇓
Clumsy fool!
#101
⇓
Of course! Land-snatching!
#103
⇓
Land. La-land. "See 'Snatch'."
#104
⇓
The rightful owners.
#108
⇓
It's down the hall and to the left.
#111
⇓
I've got it!
#112
⇓
What? What?
#113
⇓
Too Jewish.
#116
⇓
We'll work up a Number Six on them!
#117
⇓
Except the women folks, of course.
#122
⇓
You spare the women?
#123
⇓
That's marvelous! That's so creative!
#125
⇓
Why, Taggart, you've been hurt!
#126
⇓
Got him locked up downstairs.
#130
⇓
Consider it done, stout fellow.
#131
⇓
Monday. Splendid.
#134
⇓
...that got caught in a tractor's nuts!
#137
⇓
"...where people lived in harmony.
#140
⇓
"They never had no kind of trouble.
#141
⇓
"There was no hint of misery.
#142
⇓
"The town saloon was always lively...
#143
⇓
"...but never nasty or obscene.
#144
⇓
"Behind the bar stood Anal Johnson.
#145
⇓
"He always kept things nice and clean!
#146
⇓
"And all at once the trouble started.
#147
⇓
"A pack of murderers and thieves...
#148
⇓
Well, that's the end of this suit!
#151
⇓
Have you ever seen such cruelty?
#152
⇓
"Now is a time of great decision.
#153
⇓
"Are we to stay or up and quit?
#154
⇓
"There's no avoiding this conclusion.
#155
⇓
"Our town is turning into shit!"
#156
⇓
Sheriff murdered, crops burned...
#159
⇓
...stores looted, people stampeded...
#160
⇓
...and cattle raped!
#161
⇓
I'm leaving.
#163
⇓
Now who can argue with that?
#170
⇓
...were here today to hear that speech.
#174
⇓
What are we made of?
#177
⇓
Our fathers came across the prairie...
#178
⇓
Well, we didn't give up then...
#181
⇓
Olson Johnson is right!
#183
⇓
Howard Johnson is right!
#188
⇓
Why should we get our own men killed?
#192
⇓
Will the congregation please rise?
#195
⇓
...and duck!
#197
⇓
We've got to do something at once!
#198
⇓
Yes, what the hell is it?
#201
⇓
They're such children.
#205
⇓
A box of these.
#208
⇓
These things are defective.
#211
⇓
Right as usual, sir.
#212
⇓
Show-off!
#213
⇓
Just sign this, sir. Right here.
#214
⇓
Okay, give us a hand here.
#215
⇓
Work, work, work.
#216
⇓
Just one more bill for you to sign, sir.
#218
⇓
What is this?
#219
⇓
Gentlemen, this...
#222
⇓
Yes, bravo! Beautiful.
#225
⇓
Thank you, Hedy. Thank you.
#226
⇓
What the hell are you worried about?
#228
⇓
All right, help me in with this.
#230
⇓
Just, ah, think of your secretary.
#231
⇓
Ah, that was a very good suggestion.
#232
⇓
Okay, is that it? Anything else?
#233
⇓
It arrived last Friday.
#235
⇓
Read it, read it.
#236
⇓
"Send new sheriff immediately."
#238
⇓
Holy underwear!
#239
⇓
I didn't get a "hrumph" out of that guy!
#243
⇓
Give the governor a "hrumph."
#244
⇓
You watch your ass.
#245
⇓
Gentlemen, please, rest your sphincters.
#246
⇓
Well put.
#247
⇓
As Attorney General, I can assure you...
#248
⇓
Meeting is adjourned.
#250
⇓
What?
#252
⇓
No. You say that, governor.
#254
⇓
It is?
#256
⇓
...in lieu of pay? Here you go.
#259
⇓
This friggin' thing is warped.
#262
⇓
Why do I always get a warped one?
#263
⇓
But where would I find such a man?
#268
⇓
Why am I asking you?
#269
⇓
...everyone is equal in my eye.
#271
⇓
Oh, not my ear!
#272
⇓
Governor!
#273
⇓
Official business, sir.
#274
⇓
Is it important?
#275
⇓
It's very crucial.
#276
⇓
Be with you in a minute.
#277
⇓
What can I do for you?
#280
⇓
Governor, as per your instructions...
#281
⇓
I'd be delighted... Wow!
#283
⇓
Can't you see that man is a nig...
#285
⇓
Don't worry, sir.
#288
⇓
Please, don't fly off the handle, sir.
#291
⇓
Maybe even get you a cabinet post.
#293
⇓
A cabinet post!
#294
⇓
Did you say that?
#295
⇓
Wonderful!
#296
⇓
...Washington, Jefferson...
#298
⇓
...Lincoln.
#299
⇓
Le Petomane!
#300
⇓
Don't short-change yourself, sir.
#303
⇓
Dare, dare!
#307
⇓
The Presidency!
#308
⇓
"Four score and seven years ago...
#310
⇓
Are you coming back?
#312
⇓
In a moment, dear.
#313
⇓
Yes, of course, sir, we understand.
#315
⇓
Will you make all the arrangements?
#316
⇓
I will make all the arrangements.
#317
⇓
Especially the funeral.
#318
⇓
The sheriff will be here at noon!
#322
⇓
Noon! I'd better rehearse my speech!
#323
⇓
Wonderful!
#326
⇓
Excellent!
#327
⇓
Can you see him yet?
#328
⇓
The sheriff is coming!
#329
⇓
Ring out the church bell!
#330
⇓
Hey, the sheriff is a n...
#331
⇓
What did he say?
#332
⇓
The sheriff is near!
#333
⇓
...nigger.
#337
⇓
Excuse me while I whip this out.
#338
⇓
"By the power vested in me by...
#339
⇓
"...I hereby assume the duties...
#341
⇓
Son, you're on your own!
#346
⇓
Hold it!
#347
⇓
Hold it, men. He's not bluffing.
#349
⇓
Help me, help me...
#355
⇓
...somebody help me!
#356
⇓
Shut up!
#357
⇓
Oh, baby, you are so talented.
#358
⇓
And they are so dumb!
#359
⇓
Goddamn it!
#360
⇓
I said, "Order"!
#361
⇓
Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard!
#363
⇓
Now everyone be quiet...
#364
⇓
Louder! Speak up! We can't hear you!
#369
⇓
I'm not used to public speaking.
#370
⇓
"...with your choice of sheriff.
#373
⇓
"Please remove him immediately.
#374
⇓
The drunk in number two must be awake.
#377
⇓
Are we awake?
#378
⇓
We're not sure.
#379
⇓
Are we black?
#380
⇓
Yes, we are.
#381
⇓
I think I better straighten myself out.
#383
⇓
Need any help?
#384
⇓
All I can get.
#385
⇓
That's okay. Sit down over here.
#386
⇓
No, thanks. Food makes me sick.
#388
⇓
When?
#390
⇓
What's your name?
#391
⇓
...Jim.
#393
⇓
Oh, I don't know. Play chess...
#396
⇓
...screw.
#397
⇓
Well, let's play chess.
#398
⇓
Checkmate.
#399
⇓
Checkmate.
#400
⇓
Why, you devious son-of-a-bitch!
#401
⇓
Happy days!
#402
⇓
Man, why do you do that to yourself?
#403
⇓
Oh, you don't really want to know that.
#404
⇓
I do, I do!
#405
⇓
Well, if you must pry.
#406
⇓
I must, I must!
#407
⇓
...I used to be called the Waco Kid.
#409
⇓
In the world!
#411
⇓
...look at that.
#414
⇓
Steady as a rock.
#415
⇓
Yes, but I shoot with this hand.
#416
⇓
See that king?
#418
⇓
Put your hands on both sides of it.
#419
⇓
Ready?
#423
⇓
You looking for this?
#424
⇓
Was. Yeah, I was the Kid.
#426
⇓
What happened?
#427
⇓
It got pretty gritty.
#432
⇓
Then one day...
#434
⇓
And there I was face to face...
#437
⇓
...with a 6-year-old kid!
#438
⇓
The little bastard shot me in the ass!
#440
⇓
...and I've been there ever since.
#442
⇓
Have a drink.
#443
⇓
If you really must pry.
#446
⇓
I must, I must!
#447
⇓
Well, back in '56...
#448
⇓
...moving West.
#450
⇓
Well, not exactly part of it.
#451
⇓
...so we made our own.
#456
⇓
Shvartzes?
#457
⇓
Luzem gayen!
#458
⇓
Cop a walk. It's all right.
#459
⇓
Thank you.
#460
⇓
Abi gezunt. Take off.
#461
⇓
They're darker than us!
#462
⇓
And the rest is history.
#463
⇓
Impressed?
#464
⇓
Always like to keep my audience riveted.
#465
⇓
I'd say you've had enough!
#467
⇓
Why don't we give him to Mongo?
#469
⇓
Holy shit, that's too cruel!
#470
⇓
I'll be danged! That is a unique idea!
#471
⇓
Hey, it's me. Taggart.
#473
⇓
Here, smell. Smell.
#474
⇓
That's a good Mongo.
#475
⇓
Have a cigar.
#477
⇓
From who?
#479
⇓
They're just not going to accept you.
#486
⇓
I'm glad those fingers ain't loaded!
#487
⇓
Just like old times.
#488
⇓
Catch you later.
#490
⇓
Good luck.
#491
⇓
Ah, good morning, ma'am.
#492
⇓
And isn't it a lovely morning?
#493
⇓
Up yours, nigger!
#494
⇓
"Make yourself at home."
#496
⇓
These are people of the land.
#498
⇓
The common clay of the new West.
#499
⇓
You know.
#500
⇓
Morons!
#501
⇓
What the hell is that?
#502
⇓
Mongo! Santa María!
#503
⇓
Holy shit!
#506
⇓
It's illegal.
#511
⇓
I don't know what it is.
#514
⇓
You've got to help us, please!
#516
⇓
Did you hear that? Now it's "please."
#517
⇓
What he said.
#520
⇓
Well, I don't know...
#521
⇓
Oh, thank you very much!
#522
⇓
The fool's going to...
#523
⇓
I mean, the sheriff's going to do it.
#524
⇓
Candygram for Mongo!
#526
⇓
Me, Mongo.
#527
⇓
Sign, please.
#528
⇓
Mongo like candy.
#529
⇓
A little further down, to the right.
#530
⇓
...into little bitty sheriff meatballs.
#532
⇓
I just don't understand it.
#533
⇓
Be still, Taggart.
#534
⇓
My mind is a raging torrent...
#535
⇓
...flooded with rivulets of thought...
#536
⇓
Gol darn it, Mr. Lamarr...
#538
⇓
Wait a minute, that's it!
#540
⇓
And it will work!
#541
⇓
You bet it will! What will work?
#542
⇓
Elementary, cactus-head!
#543
⇓
The beast has failed.
#544
⇓
Beauty?
#546
⇓
She'll bring him to his knees!
#548
⇓
Damn your eyes, look for it!
#551
⇓
Oh, there it is.
#552
⇓
I don't know how you did it.
#554
⇓
He was nothing.
#555
⇓
Good evening, sheriff.
#558
⇓
Sorry about the "Up yours, nigger."
#559
⇓
Lili von who?
#568
⇓
It's Hedley. For you, my dear.
#570
⇓
Oh, how ordinary.
#571
⇓
Oh, Lili, Lili, Lili, legs, Lili, Lili!
#572
⇓
...at the rekindling of our association.
#574
⇓
Bullshit, what's the job?
#575
⇓
I love it when you talk dirty.
#576
⇓
What do you want me to do?
#578
⇓
You think you can do it?
#580
⇓
Is Bismark a hewwing?
#581
⇓
Oh, Lili, you're magnificent! Kiss me!
#582
⇓
"Here I stand, the goddess of desire...
#585
⇓
"Who can satisfy their lustful habit?
#591
⇓
"I'm not a rabbit. I need some rest.
#592
⇓
"I'm tired...
#593
⇓
"...sick and tired of love...
#594
⇓
"I've had my fill of love...
#595
⇓
"...from below and above.
#596
⇓
"Tired, tired of being admired...
#597
⇓
"...tired of love uninspired.
#598
⇓
"Let's face it, I'm tired.
#599
⇓
"They promise the moon.
#601
⇓
"...and always too soon."
#603
⇓
Right, girls?
#604
⇓
"Ain't it a crying shame?
#606
⇓
"I'm so tired."
#607
⇓
Goddamn it, I'm exhausted!
#608
⇓
Hello, cowboy, what's your name?
#609
⇓
"Tex ma'am"? Tell me, Tex ma'am...
#610
⇓
...are you in show business?
#611
⇓
Nope.
#612
⇓
Oh, Miss Lili, oh, my lovely lady!
#615
⇓
"Tired of playing the game.
#616
⇓
"Ain't it a crying shame...
#617
⇓
"...I'm so tired.
#618
⇓
"She's tired.
#619
⇓
"She's bushed.
#623
⇓
"Tired of love uninspired.
#625
⇓
"Don't you know she's pooped?
#626
⇓
"They sing the same tune!
#628
⇓
"They start with Byron and Shelley...
#629
⇓
"Tired of playing the game.
#631
⇓
"Ain't it a friggin' shame?
#632
⇓
"I'm so..."
#633
⇓
What does it say?
#635
⇓
Wie gehts, meine schatzie?
#637
⇓
Faw out!
#638
⇓
A wed wose. How womantic!
#639
⇓
Have a seat, shewiff.
#640
⇓
Won't you excuse me for a moment...
#641
⇓
Bitte, baby.
#643
⇓
Why don't you loosen your bullets?
#644
⇓
Ahh, I feel wefweshed!
#645
⇓
Isn't it bwight in here?
#646
⇓
There! Isn't that better?
#647
⇓
Pardon me, I'll be back in a moment.
#648
⇓
How is it going?
#649
⇓
Splendid.
#651
⇓
Oh, just let me have a little feel.
#652
⇓
Where were we? Where are you?
#653
⇓
Let me sit down next to you.
#654
⇓
Tell me, schatzie...
#655
⇓
Oh, it's twu, it's twu!
#657
⇓
Well, then, how about a little?
#660
⇓
Baby, please, I am not from Havana.
#661
⇓
Excuse me, honey...
#662
⇓
Vill I, vill I see you later?
#664
⇓
Nein, nein, achtung!
#666
⇓
No, no, you mustn't go! I need you!
#667
⇓
Auf wiedersehen, baby.
#670
⇓
Oh, what a nice guy.
#671
⇓
What's happening in the clean world?
#673
⇓
Bad news.
#674
⇓
It's legal.
#677
⇓
Wake up time!
#679
⇓
Okay, Mongo. You're free to go.
#680
⇓
Mongo no go.
#681
⇓
Oh, you better watch out, big fella.
#685
⇓
Mongo straight.
#687
⇓
Maybe you know why a high-roller...
#688
⇓
Don't know.
#692
⇓
Mongo only pawn in game of life.
#693
⇓
...and maybe do a little snooping.
#696
⇓
Damn, damn, damn!
#697
⇓
And they were right!
#700
⇓
Wait. Back off, scamp.
#702
⇓
Holy mother of pearl!
#706
⇓
Well, now if that don't beat all!
#710
⇓
I am depressed.
#714
⇓
Would that pep you up some?
#717
⇓
Well, it might help.
#718
⇓
All right, boys. On the count of three.
#719
⇓
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
#720
⇓
Don't pay no attention to that alky.
#721
⇓
Like I said. On the count of three.
#723
⇓
One...
#724
⇓
...two...
#725
⇓
...three!
#726
⇓
All my plans have backfired!
#731
⇓
You going to need an army to beat him!
#734
⇓
You're finished.
#735
⇓
Fertig! Fahrblunged! Fahrcocked!
#736
⇓
Shut up! You Teutonic twat!
#737
⇓
I must think.
#738
⇓
What do you want me to do, sir?
#742
⇓
Take this down.
#744
⇓
...shit kickers and Methodists!
#750
⇓
Could you repeat that, sir?
#751
⇓
Where's everybody going?
#752
⇓
Read this.
#753
⇓
Just 24 hours, that's all I ask.
#758
⇓
No!
#759
⇓
You'd do it for Randolph Scott.
#760
⇓
All right, sheriff. 24 hours.
#761
⇓
Next!
#762
⇓
Qualifications?
#763
⇓
Rape, murder, arson and rape.
#764
⇓
You said rape twice.
#765
⇓
I like rape.
#766
⇓
Charming. Sign right here.
#767
⇓
Take that badge.
#768
⇓
Qualifications?
#769
⇓
Arson, armed robbery, mayhem.
#770
⇓
Nothing, eh? Lyle.
#772
⇓
Gum!
#773
⇓
Chewing gum on line, eh?
#774
⇓
Boy, is he strict!
#777
⇓
There's our ticket!
#779
⇓
Hey, boys!
#780
⇓
Look what I've got there!
#781
⇓
Hey, where are the white women at?
#782
⇓
Man, that was pretty! I liked that.
#783
⇓
We don't need no stinkin' badges!
#785
⇓
Next!
#786
⇓
Qualifications?
#787
⇓
Stampeding cattle.
#788
⇓
That's not much of a crime.
#789
⇓
Through the Vatican!
#790
⇓
Kinky!
#791
⇓
See, it's coming off.
#794
⇓
Catch them!
#796
⇓
Say, "hello."
#799
⇓
Hello.
#800
⇓
Listen to me, and listen to me good.
#801
⇓
You understand?
#805
⇓
Say, "goodbye."
#806
⇓
Thanks a lot, brother.
#807
⇓
You bet your ass!
#810
⇓
I'm hip.
#811
⇓
Now, before the sun comes up...
#812
⇓
I get it!
#816
⇓
...to destroy the real Rock Ridge...
#818
⇓
But we'll know it's the fake Rock Ridge!
#821
⇓
Wrong! There's why.
#823
⇓
Who the hell are they?
#824
⇓
...they can call their own to homestead.
#827
⇓
What do you say?
#828
⇓
...but we don't want the Irish!
#830
⇓
No deal.
#831
⇓
Ah, prairie shit! Everybody!
#832
⇓
Oh, Lord...
#833
⇓
Or are we just jerking off?
#835
⇓
...for Best Supporting Actor.
#841
⇓
Right!
#843
⇓
And repeat after me. I...
#844
⇓
...your name...
#845
⇓
...your name...
#846
⇓
...pledge allegiance...
#848
⇓
...to Hedley Lamarr...
#849
⇓
...to Hedy Lamarr...
#850
⇓
That's Hedley!
#851
⇓
...that's Hedley...
#852
⇓
...and to the evil...
#853
⇓
...and to the evil...
#854
⇓
...for which he stands!
#855
⇓
...for which he stands!
#856
⇓
Hold the happiness. We are in trouble.
#858
⇓
Yep! We forgot one little detail.
#859
⇓
People. There are no people.
#861
⇓
Now don't panic. Don't panic.
#862
⇓
But they'll be here in half an hour.
#865
⇓
All right, let's go!
#869
⇓
Yeah, that's nice.
#870
⇓
Has anybody got a dime?
#872
⇓
Come on, move them through!
#875
⇓
Well, they're through the tollbooth.
#876
⇓
Look at this, they're buying it!
#877
⇓
It's show time!
#879
⇓
Nothing!
#880
⇓
What are we going to do?
#881
⇓
...and set off the dynamite down there?
#884
⇓
I'll give it a try.
#885
⇓
Oh, Lord, keep this man's eye keen...
#886
⇓
...and may God grant...
#887
⇓
It's a fake!
#888
⇓
We've been suckered in!
#889
⇓
Okay, folks, let's wipe them out!
#890
⇓
Forgive me, Lord!
#891
⇓
All right, cut!
#895
⇓
Wrong!
#896
⇓
Just watch me. It's so simple!
#897
⇓
You sissy Marys!
#898
⇓
Have you got it?
#900
⇓
Yessssssss.
#901
⇓
Sounds like steam escaping!
#902
⇓
Action! Okay, wait until I get out.
#903
⇓
This is a closed set!
#905
⇓
Not in the face!
#907
⇓
Thank you.
#908
⇓
You vulgar shit!
#910
⇓
Why, you miserable pansy!
#911
⇓
I'm parked over by the commissary.
#912
⇓
All right, all right...
#914
⇓
How many days do you have left, Joey?
#915
⇓
What the hell is that?
#917
⇓
Get your pies for the great pie fight!
#918
⇓
...come to eat. Keep in line.
#920
⇓
Taxi!
#923
⇓
Drive me off this picture!
#924
⇓
You dropped your beads.
#925
⇓
One, please.
#926
⇓
Uh, student.
#927
⇓
Are you kidding?
#928
⇓
Pain in the ass.
#929
⇓
Hedley!
#931
⇓
Freeze it!
#932
⇓
Okay, Lamarr, go for your gun.
#933
⇓
Wait, wait, I'm unarmed.
#934
⇓
All right, we'll settle it like men.
#935
⇓
With our fists.
#936
⇓
Sorry, I just remembered. I am armed.
#937
⇓
You shot the bad guy!
#939
⇓
Well, what do you want to do now?
#940
⇓
Wherever people cry out for justice.
#948
⇓
Bullshit!
#949
⇓
All right, you caught me.
#950
⇓
Good luck, Bart, and God bless you.
#952
⇓
'Bye, baby brother.
#953
⇓
Keep the faith, brothers!
#954
⇓
Where are you headed, cowboy?
#955
⇓
Nowhere special.
#956
⇓
Come on!
#958
⇓
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