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Home » Blazing Saddles » S01E01 — Blazing Saddles

Blazing Saddles

Season 1, Episode 1 — Blazing Saddles

↓

Come on, boys!

boys

↓

...you'd think it was 120°...

↓

It can't be more than 114.

↓

"I get no kick from champagne.

champagne kick

↓

"Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all.

alcohol mere thrill

↓

"So tell me why should it be true...

↓

"...that I get a belt out of you?

belt

↓

"Some get a kick from cocaine."

cocaine kick

↓

What the hell is that shit?

↓

I meant a song. A real song.

meant real song

↓

Something like...

↓

"Swing low, sweet chariot..."

sweet swing

↓

Swing low? Sweet chariot?

sweet swing

↓

Don't know that one, huh?

↓

How about "De Camp Town Ladies"?

camp ladies town

↓

"De Camp Town Ladies"?

camp ladies town

↓

Ah, you know.

↓

Better check it out.

check

↓

Send over a couple of niggers.

couple send

↓

You and you.

↓

Just trying to help you out.

↓

I didn't know your grandma was Dutch!

dutch grandma

↓

Am I wrong...

↓

...or is the world rising?

rising world

↓

Let me ask you something.

↓

Quicksand!

↓

Oh, shit, quicksand!

↓

Goddang, now we are in trouble!

trouble

↓

They're in trouble!

trouble

↓

Dang, that was lucky.

dang lucky

↓

Doggone near lost a $400 hand cart.

cart hand lost near

↓

Well, boys, the break is over.

boys break

↓

Don't just lay there getting a suntan.

↓

Won't do you any good, anyhow!

anyhow

↓

What?

↓

Don't do that now!

↓

I have to.

↓

Quicksand. Splendid.

splendid

↓

Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge. Splendid.

ridge rock rock-ridge splendid

↓

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

↓

Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge.

ridge rock rock-ridge

↓

Be still, Taggart. Be still.

↓

Ditto!

ditto

↓

Ditto? Ditto, you provincial putz!

ditto

↓

I'm sorry, sir.

↓

A plan. We need a plan.

plan

↓

What in the hell was that?

↓

We can't hear ourselves think!

↓

...and it's utter chaos down here.

chaos utter

↓

But as you can see...

↓

...this one is a doozey.

↓

Now, let's see. Where were we?

↓

Rock Ridge.

ridge rock rock-ridge

↓

There must be a way.

must

↓

Clumsy fool!

clumsy fool

↓

Of course! Land-snatching!

course land

↓

Land. La-land. "See 'Snatch'."

land snatch

↓

The rightful owners.

owners rightful

↓

It's down the hall and to the left.

hall left

↓

I've got it!

↓

What? What?

↓

Too Jewish.

jewish

↓

We'll work up a Number Six on them!

number

↓

Except the women folks, of course.

course except folks women

↓

You spare the women?

spare women

↓

That's marvelous! That's so creative!

creative marvelous

↓

Why, Taggart, you've been hurt!

hurt

↓

Got him locked up downstairs.

downstairs locked

↓

Consider it done, stout fellow.

consider fellow

↓

Monday. Splendid.

monday splendid

↓

...that got caught in a tractor's nuts!

caught nuts

↓

"...where people lived in harmony.

harmony lived

↓

"They never had no kind of trouble.

trouble

↓

"There was no hint of misery.

hint misery

↓

"The town saloon was always lively...

lively town

↓

"...but never nasty or obscene.

nasty

↓

"Behind the bar stood Anal Johnson.

anal behind johnson stood

↓

"He always kept things nice and clean!

clean

↓

"And all at once the trouble started.

started trouble

↓

"A pack of murderers and thieves...

murderers pack thieves

↓

Well, that's the end of this suit!

suit

↓

Have you ever seen such cruelty?

cruelty seen

↓

"Now is a time of great decision.

decision

↓

"Are we to stay or up and quit?

quit

↓

"There's no avoiding this conclusion.

avoiding conclusion

↓

"Our town is turning into shit!"

town turning

↓

Sheriff murdered, crops burned...

burned crops murdered sheriff

↓

...stores looted, people stampeded...

looted stores

↓

...and cattle raped!

cattle raped

↓

I'm leaving.

leaving

↓

Now who can argue with that?

argue

↓

...were here today to hear that speech.

speech today

↓

What are we made of?

↓

Our fathers came across the prairie...

fathers

↓

Well, we didn't give up then...

↓

Olson Johnson is right!

johnson

↓

Howard Johnson is right!

howard johnson

↓

Why should we get our own men killed?

killed

↓

Will the congregation please rise?

rise

↓

...and duck!

duck

↓

We've got to do something at once!

↓

Yes, what the hell is it?

↓

They're such children.

children

↓

A box of these.

↓

These things are defective.

↓

Right as usual, sir.

usual

↓

Show-off!

↓

Just sign this, sir. Right here.

sign

↓

Okay, give us a hand here.

hand

↓

Work, work, work.

↓

Just one more bill for you to sign, sir.

bill sign

↓

What is this?

↓

Gentlemen, this...

gentlemen

↓

Yes, bravo! Beautiful.

bravo

↓

Thank you, Hedy. Thank you.

↓

What the hell are you worried about?

worried

↓

All right, help me in with this.

↓

Just, ah, think of your secretary.

secretary

↓

Ah, that was a very good suggestion.

suggestion

↓

Okay, is that it? Anything else?

↓

It arrived last Friday.

arrived friday

↓

Read it, read it.

read

↓

"Send new sheriff immediately."

immediately send sheriff

↓

Holy underwear!

holy underwear

↓

I didn't get a "hrumph" out of that guy!

↓

Give the governor a "hrumph."

governor

↓

You watch your ass.

watch

↓

Gentlemen, please, rest your sphincters.

gentlemen rest

↓

Well put.

↓

As Attorney General, I can assure you...

assure attorney general

↓

Meeting is adjourned.

adjourned meeting

↓

What?

↓

No. You say that, governor.

governor

↓

It is?

↓

...in lieu of pay? Here you go.

↓

This friggin' thing is warped.

friggin warped

↓

Why do I always get a warped one?

warped

↓

But where would I find such a man?

↓

Why am I asking you?

asking

↓

...everyone is equal in my eye.

equal

↓

Oh, not my ear!

↓

Governor!

governor

↓

Official business, sir.

business official

↓

Is it important?

↓

It's very crucial.

crucial

↓

Be with you in a minute.

minute

↓

What can I do for you?

↓

Governor, as per your instructions...

governor instructions

↓

I'd be delighted... Wow!

delighted

↓

Can't you see that man is a nig...

↓

Don't worry, sir.

worry

↓

Please, don't fly off the handle, sir.

handle

↓

Maybe even get you a cabinet post.

cabinet post

↓

A cabinet post!

cabinet post

↓

Did you say that?

↓

Wonderful!

↓

...Washington, Jefferson...

jefferson washington

↓

...Lincoln.

lincoln

↓

Le Petomane!

↓

Don't short-change yourself, sir.

change short

↓

Dare, dare!

dare

↓

The Presidency!

presidency

↓

"Four score and seven years ago...

four score seven seven-years years

↓

Are you coming back?

coming

↓

In a moment, dear.

dear moment

↓

Yes, of course, sir, we understand.

course

↓

Will you make all the arrangements?

↓

I will make all the arrangements.

↓

Especially the funeral.

especially funeral

↓

The sheriff will be here at noon!

noon sheriff

↓

Noon! I'd better rehearse my speech!

noon speech

↓

Wonderful!

↓

Excellent!

excellent

↓

Can you see him yet?

↓

The sheriff is coming!

coming sheriff

↓

Ring out the church bell!

bell church ring

↓

Hey, the sheriff is a n...

sheriff

↓

What did he say?

↓

The sheriff is near!

near sheriff

↓

...nigger.

nigger

↓

Excuse me while I whip this out.

excuse whip

↓

"By the power vested in me by...

power power-vested vested

↓

"...I hereby assume the duties...

assume duties hereby

↓

Son, you're on your own!

↓

Hold it!

↓

Hold it, men. He's not bluffing.

bluffing

↓

Help me, help me...

↓

...somebody help me!

somebody

↓

Shut up!

↓

Oh, baby, you are so talented.

baby talented

↓

And they are so dumb!

dumb

↓

Goddamn it!

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

I said, "Order"!

order

↓

Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard!

blow howard

↓

Now everyone be quiet...

quiet

↓

Louder! Speak up! We can't hear you!

louder speak

↓

I'm not used to public speaking.

public public-speaking speaking used

↓

"...with your choice of sheriff.

choice sheriff

↓

"Please remove him immediately.

immediately remove

↓

The drunk in number two must be awake.

awake drunk must number

↓

Are we awake?

awake

↓

We're not sure.

↓

Are we black?

black

↓

Yes, we are.

↓

I think I better straighten myself out.

straighten

↓

Need any help?

↓

All I can get.

↓

That's okay. Sit down over here.

↓

No, thanks. Food makes me sick.

food makes sick thanks

↓

When?

↓

What's your name?

name

↓

...Jim.

↓

Oh, I don't know. Play chess...

chess

↓

...screw.

screw

↓

Well, let's play chess.

chess

↓

Checkmate.

checkmate

↓

Checkmate.

checkmate

↓

Why, you devious son-of-a-bitch!

bitch devious

↓

Happy days!

days happy

↓

Man, why do you do that to yourself?

↓

Oh, you don't really want to know that.

↓

I do, I do!

↓

Well, if you must pry.

must

↓

I must, I must!

must

↓

...I used to be called the Waco Kid.

called used

↓

In the world!

world

↓

...look at that.

↓

Steady as a rock.

rock steady

↓

Yes, but I shoot with this hand.

hand shoot

↓

See that king?

king

↓

Put your hands on both sides of it.

hands sides

↓

Ready?

ready

↓

You looking for this?

looking

↓

Was. Yeah, I was the Kid.

↓

What happened?

happened

↓

It got pretty gritty.

gritty

↓

Then one day...

↓

And there I was face to face...

face

↓

...with a 6-year-old kid!

↓

The little bastard shot me in the ass!

bastard shot

↓

...and I've been there ever since.

↓

Have a drink.

drink

↓

If you really must pry.

must

↓

I must, I must!

must

↓

Well, back in '56...

↓

...moving West.

moving west

↓

Well, not exactly part of it.

part

↓

...so we made our own.

↓

Shvartzes?

↓

Luzem gayen!

↓

Cop a walk. It's all right.

walk

↓

Thank you.

↓

Abi gezunt. Take off.

↓

They're darker than us!

darker

↓

And the rest is history.

history rest

↓

Impressed?

impressed

↓

Always like to keep my audience riveted.

audience

↓

I'd say you've had enough!

↓

Why don't we give him to Mongo?

mongo

↓

Holy shit, that's too cruel!

cruel holy

↓

I'll be danged! That is a unique idea!

idea unique

↓

Hey, it's me. Taggart.

↓

Here, smell. Smell.

smell

↓

That's a good Mongo.

mongo

↓

Have a cigar.

cigar

↓

From who?

↓

They're just not going to accept you.

accept

↓

I'm glad those fingers ain't loaded!

aint fingers glad loaded

↓

Just like old times.

times

↓

Catch you later.

catch

↓

Good luck.

luck

↓

Ah, good morning, ma'am.

maam morning

↓

And isn't it a lovely morning?

lovely morning

↓

Up yours, nigger!

nigger

↓

"Make yourself at home."

home

↓

These are people of the land.

land

↓

The common clay of the new West.

clay common west

↓

You know.

↓

Morons!

morons

↓

What the hell is that?

↓

Mongo! Santa María!

mongo santa

↓

Holy shit!

holy

↓

It's illegal.

illegal

↓

I don't know what it is.

↓

You've got to help us, please!

↓

Did you hear that? Now it's "please."

↓

What he said.

↓

Well, I don't know...

↓

Oh, thank you very much!

↓

The fool's going to...

fools

↓

I mean, the sheriff's going to do it.

sheriffs

↓

Candygram for Mongo!

mongo

↓

Me, Mongo.

mongo

↓

Sign, please.

sign

↓

Mongo like candy.

candy mongo

↓

A little further down, to the right.

further

↓

...into little bitty sheriff meatballs.

bitty meatballs sheriff

↓

I just don't understand it.

↓

Be still, Taggart.

↓

My mind is a raging torrent...

mind raging

↓

...flooded with rivulets of thought...

flooded

↓

Gol darn it, Mr. Lamarr...

darn

↓

Wait a minute, that's it!

minute

↓

And it will work!

↓

You bet it will! What will work?

↓

Elementary, cactus-head!

cactus elementary head

↓

The beast has failed.

beast failed

↓

Beauty?

beauty

↓

She'll bring him to his knees!

bring knees shell

↓

Damn your eyes, look for it!

eyes

↓

Oh, there it is.

↓

I don't know how you did it.

↓

He was nothing.

↓

Good evening, sheriff.

evening sheriff

↓

Sorry about the "Up yours, nigger."

nigger

↓

Lili von who?

lili

↓

It's Hedley. For you, my dear.

dear hedley

↓

Oh, how ordinary.

ordinary

↓

Oh, Lili, Lili, Lili, legs, Lili, Lili!

legs lili

↓

...at the rekindling of our association.

association

↓

Bullshit, what's the job?

bullshit

↓

I love it when you talk dirty.

dirty love

↓

What do you want me to do?

↓

You think you can do it?

↓

Is Bismark a hewwing?

↓

Oh, Lili, you're magnificent! Kiss me!

kiss lili magnificent

↓

"Here I stand, the goddess of desire...

desire goddess stand

↓

"Who can satisfy their lustful habit?

habit satisfy

↓

"I'm not a rabbit. I need some rest.

rabbit rest

↓

"I'm tired...

tired

↓

"...sick and tired of love...

love sick tired

↓

"I've had my fill of love...

fill love

↓

"...from below and above.

↓

"Tired, tired of being admired...

tired

↓

"...tired of love uninspired.

love tired uninspired

↓

"Let's face it, I'm tired.

face tired

↓

"They promise the moon.

moon promise

↓

"...and always too soon."

↓

Right, girls?

girls

↓

"Ain't it a crying shame?

aint crying shame

↓

"I'm so tired."

tired

↓

Goddamn it, I'm exhausted!

exhausted goddamn goddamn-it

↓

Hello, cowboy, what's your name?

cowboy name

↓

"Tex ma'am"? Tell me, Tex ma'am...

maam

↓

...are you in show business?

business

↓

Nope.

nope

↓

Oh, Miss Lili, oh, my lovely lady!

lady lili lovely miss

↓

"Tired of playing the game.

game playing tired

↓

"Ain't it a crying shame...

aint crying shame

↓

"...I'm so tired.

tired

↓

"She's tired.

tired

↓

"She's bushed.

↓

"Tired of love uninspired.

love tired uninspired

↓

"Don't you know she's pooped?

pooped

↓

"They sing the same tune!

sing tune

↓

"They start with Byron and Shelley...

shelley start

↓

"Tired of playing the game.

game playing tired

↓

"Ain't it a friggin' shame?

aint friggin shame

↓

"I'm so..."

↓

What does it say?

↓

Wie gehts, meine schatzie?

↓

Faw out!

↓

A wed wose. How womantic!

↓

Have a seat, shewiff.

seat

↓

Won't you excuse me for a moment...

excuse moment

↓

Bitte, baby.

baby

↓

Why don't you loosen your bullets?

bullets loosen

↓

Ahh, I feel wefweshed!

↓

Isn't it bwight in here?

↓

There! Isn't that better?

↓

Pardon me, I'll be back in a moment.

moment pardon

↓

How is it going?

↓

Splendid.

splendid

↓

Oh, just let me have a little feel.

↓

Where were we? Where are you?

↓

Let me sit down next to you.

↓

Tell me, schatzie...

↓

Oh, it's twu, it's twu!

↓

Well, then, how about a little?

↓

Baby, please, I am not from Havana.

baby

↓

Excuse me, honey...

excuse honey

↓

Vill I, vill I see you later?

↓

Nein, nein, achtung!

↓

No, no, you mustn't go! I need you!

↓

Auf wiedersehen, baby.

baby

↓

Oh, what a nice guy.

↓

What's happening in the clean world?

clean world

↓

Bad news.

news

↓

It's legal.

legal

↓

Wake up time!

wake

↓

Okay, Mongo. You're free to go.

free mongo

↓

Mongo no go.

mongo

↓

Oh, you better watch out, big fella.

fella watch

↓

Mongo straight.

mongo straight

↓

Maybe you know why a high-roller...

roller

↓

Don't know.

↓

Mongo only pawn in game of life.

game life mongo pawn

↓

...and maybe do a little snooping.

snooping

↓

Damn, damn, damn!

↓

And they were right!

↓

Wait. Back off, scamp.

↓

Holy mother of pearl!

holy mother pearl

↓

Well, now if that don't beat all!

beat

↓

I am depressed.

depressed

↓

Would that pep you up some?

↓

Well, it might help.

might

↓

All right, boys. On the count of three.

boys count three

↓

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

↓

Don't pay no attention to that alky.

attention

↓

Like I said. On the count of three.

count three

↓

One...

↓

...two...

↓

...three!

three

↓

All my plans have backfired!

backfired plans

↓

You going to need an army to beat him!

army beat

↓

You're finished.

finished

↓

Fertig! Fahrblunged! Fahrcocked!

↓

Shut up! You Teutonic twat!

twat

↓

I must think.

must

↓

What do you want me to do, sir?

↓

Take this down.

↓

...shit kickers and Methodists!

kickers

↓

Could you repeat that, sir?

repeat

↓

Where's everybody going?

everybody

↓

Read this.

read

↓

Just 24 hours, that's all I ask.

hours

↓

No!

↓

You'd do it for Randolph Scott.

scott

↓

All right, sheriff. 24 hours.

hours sheriff

↓

Next!

↓

Qualifications?

qualifications

↓

Rape, murder, arson and rape.

arson murder rape

↓

You said rape twice.

rape twice

↓

I like rape.

rape

↓

Charming. Sign right here.

charming sign

↓

Take that badge.

badge

↓

Qualifications?

qualifications

↓

Arson, armed robbery, mayhem.

armed arson mayhem robbery

↓

Nothing, eh? Lyle.

lyle

↓

Gum!

↓

Chewing gum on line, eh?

chewing line

↓

Boy, is he strict!

strict

↓

There's our ticket!

ticket

↓

Hey, boys!

boys

↓

Look what I've got there!

↓

Hey, where are the white women at?

white white-women women

↓

Man, that was pretty! I liked that.

liked

↓

We don't need no stinkin' badges!

badges stinkin

↓

Next!

↓

Qualifications?

qualifications

↓

Stampeding cattle.

cattle

↓

That's not much of a crime.

crime

↓

Through the Vatican!

vatican

↓

Kinky!

kinky

↓

See, it's coming off.

coming

↓

Catch them!

catch

↓

Say, "hello."

↓

Hello.

↓

Listen to me, and listen to me good.

↓

You understand?

↓

Say, "goodbye."

goodbye

↓

Thanks a lot, brother.

brother thanks

↓

You bet your ass!

↓

I'm hip.

↓

Now, before the sun comes up...

comes

↓

I get it!

↓

...to destroy the real Rock Ridge...

destroy real ridge rock rock-ridge

↓

But we'll know it's the fake Rock Ridge!

fake ridge rock rock-ridge

↓

Wrong! There's why.

↓

Who the hell are they?

↓

...they can call their own to homestead.

↓

What do you say?

↓

...but we don't want the Irish!

irish

↓

No deal.

deal

↓

Ah, prairie shit! Everybody!

everybody

↓

Oh, Lord...

lord

↓

Or are we just jerking off?

jerking

↓

...for Best Supporting Actor.

actor best supporting

↓

Right!

↓

And repeat after me. I...

repeat

↓

...your name...

name

↓

...your name...

name

↓

...pledge allegiance...

allegiance pledge

↓

...to Hedley Lamarr...

hedley

↓

...to Hedy Lamarr...

↓

That's Hedley!

hedley

↓

...that's Hedley...

hedley

↓

...and to the evil...

evil

↓

...and to the evil...

evil

↓

...for which he stands!

stands

↓

...for which he stands!

stands

↓

Hold the happiness. We are in trouble.

happiness trouble

↓

Yep! We forgot one little detail.

detail forgot

↓

People. There are no people.

↓

Now don't panic. Don't panic.

panic

↓

But they'll be here in half an hour.

half hour

↓

All right, let's go!

↓

Yeah, that's nice.

↓

Has anybody got a dime?

anybody dime

↓

Come on, move them through!

↓

Well, they're through the tollbooth.

↓

Look at this, they're buying it!

buying

↓

It's show time!

↓

Nothing!

↓

What are we going to do?

↓

...and set off the dynamite down there?

dynamite

↓

I'll give it a try.

↓

Oh, Lord, keep this man's eye keen...

keen lord mans

↓

...and may God grant...

grant

↓

It's a fake!

fake

↓

We've been suckered in!

suckered

↓

Okay, folks, let's wipe them out!

folks wipe

↓

Forgive me, Lord!

forgive lord

↓

All right, cut!

↓

Wrong!

↓

Just watch me. It's so simple!

simple watch

↓

You sissy Marys!

marys sissy

↓

Have you got it?

↓

Yessssssss.

↓

Sounds like steam escaping!

sounds steam

↓

Action! Okay, wait until I get out.

action

↓

This is a closed set!

closed

↓

Not in the face!

face

↓

Thank you.

↓

You vulgar shit!

vulgar

↓

Why, you miserable pansy!

miserable pansy

↓

I'm parked over by the commissary.

parked

↓

All right, all right...

↓

How many days do you have left, Joey?

days joey left

↓

What the hell is that?

↓

Get your pies for the great pie fight!

fight pies

↓

...come to eat. Keep in line.

line

↓

Taxi!

taxi

↓

Drive me off this picture!

drive picture

↓

You dropped your beads.

beads dropped

↓

One, please.

↓

Uh, student.

student

↓

Are you kidding?

kidding

↓

Pain in the ass.

pain

↓

Hedley!

hedley

↓

Freeze it!

freeze

↓

Okay, Lamarr, go for your gun.

↓

Wait, wait, I'm unarmed.

↓

All right, we'll settle it like men.

settle

↓

With our fists.

fists

↓

Sorry, I just remembered. I am armed.

armed remembered

↓

You shot the bad guy!

shot

↓

Well, what do you want to do now?

↓

Wherever people cry out for justice.

justice

↓

Bullshit!

bullshit

↓

All right, you caught me.

caught

↓

Good luck, Bart, and God bless you.

bless luck

↓

'Bye, baby brother.

baby baby-brother brother

↓

Keep the faith, brothers!

brothers faith

↓

Where are you headed, cowboy?

cowboy headed

↓

Nowhere special.

special

↓

Come on!