Home » Fight Club (1999) » S01E01 — Fight Club (1999)

Fight Club (1999)

Season 1, Episode 1 — Fight Club (1999)

NARRATOR: People are always asking me if I know Tyler Durden.

#1

⇓

TYLER: Three minutes. This is it. Ground zero.

#2

⇓

Would you like to say a few words to mark the occasion?

#3

⇓

(muffled)

#4

⇓

NARRATOR: With a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels.

#5

⇓

I can't think of anything.

#6

⇓

For a second I totally forget about Tyler's whole controlled demolition thing,

#7

⇓

and I wonder how clean that gun is.

#8

⇓

It's getting exciting now.

#9

⇓

That old saying, how you always hurt the one you love?

#10

⇓

Well, it works both ways.

#11

⇓

- (sirens wailing) - We've front row seats for this theater of mass destruction.

#12

⇓

The demolitions committee of Project Mayhem,

#13

⇓

wrapped the foundation columns of a dozen buildings with blasting gelatin.

#14

⇓

In two minutes, primary charges will blow base charges,

#15

⇓

- and a few square blocks will be reduced

#16

⇓

- to smoldering rubble. - (beeping)

#17

⇓

I know this because Tyler knows this.

#18

⇓

Two and a half. Think of everything we've accomplished.

#19

⇓

And suddenly, I realize that all of this--

#20

⇓

the gun, the bombs, the revolution--

#21

⇓

has got something to do with a girl named Marla Singer.

#22

⇓

Bob. Bob had bitch-tits.

#23

⇓

This was a support group

#24

⇓

- for men with testicular cancer. - (sobbing)

#25

⇓

The big moosey slobbering all over me-- that was Bob.

#26

⇓

We're still men.

#27

⇓

Yes, we're men.

#28

⇓

Men is what we are.

#29

⇓

Eight months ago, Bob's testicles were removed. Then hormone therapy.

#30

⇓

He developed bitch-tits because his testosterone was too high,

#31

⇓

and his body upped the estrogen.

#32

⇓

- And that was where I fit. - They're gonna have to open up my pecs again

#33

⇓

- and drain the fluid. - Between those huge, sweating tits

#34

⇓

that hung enormous, the way you'd think of God's as big.

#35

⇓

Okay. You cry now.

#36

⇓

- No, wait. Back up. Let me start earlier. - (clock ticking)

#37

⇓

For six months, I couldn't sleep.

#38

⇓

(echoing) I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep.

#39

⇓

With insomnia, nothing's real.

#40

⇓

Everything's far away.

#41

⇓

Everything's a copy of a copy of a copy.

#42

⇓

- When deep space exploration ramps up... - (line ringing)

#43

⇓

...it'll be the corporations that name everything--

#44

⇓

the IBM Stellarsphere,

#45

⇓

the Microsoft Galaxy,

#46

⇓

planet Starbucks.

#47

⇓

Gonna need you out of town a little more this week. We got some red flags to cover.

#48

⇓

It must've been Tuesday. He was wearing his cornflower-blue tie.

#49

⇓

You want me to de-prioritize my current reports...

#50

⇓

- Yeah. - ...until you advise of a status upgrade?

#51

⇓

Make these your primary action items.

#52

⇓

Here's your flight coupons. Call me from the road if there's any snags.

#53

⇓

NARRATOR: He was full of pep.

#54

⇓

Must have had his grande latte enema.

#55

⇓

Like so many others, I had become a slave

#56

⇓

- to the Ikea nesting instinct. - WOMAN (indistinct)

#57

⇓

Uh, yes. I'd like to order the Erika Pekkari dust ruffles.

#58

⇓

- WOMAN: Please hold. - If I saw something clever,

#59

⇓

like a little coffee table in the shape of a yin-yang, I had to have it.

#60

⇓

The Klipske personal office unit,

#61

⇓

the Hovetrekke home exer-bike,

#62

⇓

or the Johannshamn sofa with the Strinne green stripe pattern.

#63

⇓

Even the Rizlampa wire lamps

#64

⇓

of environmentally friendly unbleached paper.

#65

⇓

I'd flip through catalogs and wonder:

#66

⇓

What kind of dining set defines me as a person?

#67

⇓

I had it all-- even the glass dishes

#68

⇓

with tiny bubbles and imperfections,

#69

⇓

proof that they were crafted by the honest, simple,

#70

⇓

- hard-working indigenous peoples of... - WOMAN: Please hold.

#71

⇓

- ...wherever. - I was holding.

#72

⇓

- AUTOMATED VOICE: Your call is important to us. - We used to read pornography.

#73

⇓

Now it was the Horchow collection.

#74

⇓

No, you can't die from insomnia.

#75

⇓

What about narcolepsy? I nod off. I wake up in strange places.

#76

⇓

- I have no idea how I got there. - You need to lighten up.

#77

⇓

Can you please just get me something?

#78

⇓

NARRATOR: Red and blue Tuenols, lipstick-red Seconals.

#79

⇓

No. You need healthy, natural sleep.

#80

⇓

Chew some valerian root and get more exercise.

#81

⇓

Hey, come on. I'm in pain.

#82

⇓

You wanna see pain? Swing by First Methodist Tuesday nights.

#83

⇓

See the guys with testicular cancer.

#84

⇓

That's pain.

#85

⇓

♪ (chorus vocalizing)

#86

⇓

I always wanted three kids-- two boys and a girl.

#87

⇓

Mindy wanted two girls and a boy.

#88

⇓

We never could agree on anything.

#89

⇓

Well, uh, you know, she--

#90

⇓

She had her first child last week, a-- a girl.

#91

⇓

With-With her, uh-- With her new husband.

#92

⇓

MAN (whispering): Fuck.

#93

⇓

And-- And thank God, you know? (chuckles)

#94

⇓

I'm-I'm glad for her.

#95

⇓

(whimpering) Because she deserves it.

#96

⇓

Aw.

#97

⇓

Everyone, let's thank Thomas for sharing himself with us.

#98

⇓

ALL: Thank you, Thomas.

#99

⇓

I look around this room, and I see a lot of courage,

#100

⇓

and that gives me strength.

#101

⇓

We give each other strength.

#102

⇓

It's time for the one-on-ones. So let's all of us here

#103

⇓

follow Thomas' good example, and really open ourselves up.

#104

⇓

Would you find a partner, please?

#105

⇓

NARRATOR: And this is how I met the big moosey.

#106

⇓

MAN: Come on. Let's go over here.

#107

⇓

NARRATOR: His eyes already shrink-wrapped in tears.

#108

⇓

Knees together. Those awkward little steps.

#109

⇓

- My name is Bob. - Bob--

#110

⇓

NARRATOR: Bob had been a champion bodybuilder.

#111

⇓

You know that chest-expansion program you see on late-night TV?

#112

⇓

- That was his idea. - I was a juicer.

#113

⇓

You know, using steroids.

#114

⇓

Diabonal and...

#115

⇓

Wistrol.

#116

⇓

Oh, they use that on racehorses, for Christ's sakes.

#117

⇓

And now I'm bankrupt.

#118

⇓

I'm divorced.

#119

⇓

My two grown kids

#120

⇓

won't even return my phone calls. (sniffles)

#121

⇓

NARRATOR: Strangers with this kind of honesty make me go a big rubbery one.

#122

⇓

Go ahead, Cornelius.

#123

⇓

You can cry.

#124

⇓

(crying)

#125

⇓

- NARRATOR: And then, something happened. - (crying continues)

#126

⇓

- I let go. - That's really good.

#127

⇓

Lost in oblivion, dark and silent and complete.

#128

⇓

♪ (choir)

#129

⇓

I found freedom.

#130

⇓

Losing all hope was freedom.

#131

⇓

It's okay.

#132

⇓

(grunts)

#133

⇓

- Babies don't sleep this well. - (snores)

#134

⇓

I became addicted.

#135

⇓

(people chattering)

#136

⇓

(chattering)

#137

⇓

NARRATOR: If I didn't say anything,

#138

⇓

people always assumed the worst.

#139

⇓

- MAN: Welcome, Travis. - MAN #2: Welcome, Travis.

#140

⇓

- They cried harder. - (sobbing)

#141

⇓

Then I cried harder.

#142

⇓

(group chattering)

#143

⇓

WOMAN: Now we're going to open the green door--

#144

⇓

the heart chakra.

#145

⇓

- NARRATOR: I wasn't really dying. - WOMAN (continues)

#146

⇓

I wasn't host to cancer or parasites.

#147

⇓

I was the warm little center that the life of this world crowded around.

#148

⇓

Imagine your pain as a white ball of healing light.

#149

⇓

It moves over your body, healing you.

#150

⇓

Now, keep this going. Remember to breathe,

#151

⇓

and step forward through the back door of the room.

#152

⇓

Where does it lead? To your cave.

#153

⇓

Step forward into your cave.

#154

⇓

That's right.

#155

⇓

You're going deeper into your cave,

#156

⇓

and you're going to find your power animal.

#157

⇓

(cooing)

#158

⇓

Slide.

#159

⇓

(giggles)

#160

⇓

NARRATOR: Every evening I died,

#161

⇓

and every evening I was born again.

#162

⇓

Resurrected.

#163

⇓

MEN (sobbing)

#164

⇓

Bob loved me because he thought my testicles were removed too.

#165

⇓

Being there, pressed against his tits,

#166

⇓

ready to cry.

#167

⇓

This was my vacation.

#168

⇓

And she... ruined... everything.

#169

⇓

This is cancer, right?

#170

⇓

This chick, Marla Singer,

#171

⇓

did not have testicular cancer.

#172

⇓

She was a liar.

#173

⇓

She had no diseases at all.

#174

⇓

I had seen her at Free and Clear, my blood parasites group Thursdays.

#175

⇓

Then at Hope, my bimonthly sickle-cell circle.

#176

⇓

And again at Seize the Day, my tuberculosis Friday night.

#177

⇓

(coughing)

#178

⇓

Marla, the big tourist.

#179

⇓

Her lie reflected my lie,

#180

⇓

and suddenly, I felt nothing.

#181

⇓

I couldn't cry.

#182

⇓

So once again, I couldn't sleep.

#183

⇓

Next group, after guided meditation,

#184

⇓

after we open our heart chakras, when it's time to hug,

#185

⇓

I'm gonna grab that little bitch Marla Singer and scream--

#186

⇓

Marla, you liar! You big tourist!

#187

⇓

I need this! Now get out!

#188

⇓

(clock ticking)

#189

⇓

NARRATOR: I hadn't slept in four days.

#190

⇓

MAN (on TV): Absolutely. We'll just let that dry.

#191

⇓

NARRATOR: When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep,

#192

⇓

- and you're never really awake. - (applause on TV)

#193

⇓

- (bells tolling) - WOMAN: To begin tonight's communion,

#194

⇓

Chloe would like to say a few words.

#195

⇓

NARRATOR: Oh, yeah. Chloe.

#196

⇓

Chloe looked the way Meryl Streep's skeleton would look

#197

⇓

if you made it smile and walk around the party being extra nice to everybody.

#198

⇓

Well, I'm still here,

#199

⇓

but I don't know for how long.

#200

⇓

That's as much certainty as anyone can give me.

#201

⇓

But I've got some good news.

#202

⇓

I no longer have any fear of death.

#203

⇓

But I am in a pretty lonely place.

#204

⇓

No one will have sex with me.

#205

⇓

I'm so close to the end, and all I want is to get laid for the last time.

#206

⇓

I have pornographic movies in my apartment--

#207

⇓

and lubricants and amyl nitrate.

#208

⇓

Thank you, Chloe.

#209

⇓

Everyone, let's thank Chloe.

#210

⇓

- WOMAN #2: Thanks, Chloe. - MEMBERS: Thank you, Chloe.

#211

⇓

(coughing)

#212

⇓

Now, let's ready ourself for guided meditation.

#213

⇓

You're standing at the entrance of your cave.

#214

⇓

You step inside your cave, and you walk.

#215

⇓

NARRATOR: If I did have a tumor,

#216

⇓

- I'd name it Marla. - It's a very quiet place.

#217

⇓

Marla-- the little scratch on the roof of your mouth

#218

⇓

that would heal if only you could stop tonguing it, but you can't.

#219

⇓

WOMAN: Step deeper into your cave as you walk.

#220

⇓

You feel the healing energy of this place all around you.

#221

⇓

Now find your power animal.

#222

⇓

Slide.

#223

⇓

WOMAN: Okay. Now let's partner up.

#224

⇓

Pick someone special to you tonight.

#225

⇓

(chattering)

#226

⇓

Hey.

#227

⇓

- We need to talk. - Sure.

#228

⇓

- I'm on to you. - What?

#229

⇓

Yeah. You're a faker. You're not dying.

#230

⇓

Sorry?

#231

⇓

In the Tibetan philosophy, Sylvia Plath sense of the word,

#232

⇓

I know we're all-- we're all dying, all right?

#233

⇓

But you're not dying the way Chloe back there is dying.

#234

⇓

So?

#235

⇓

So you're a tourist. Okay? I've seen you.

#236

⇓

I saw you-- saw you at melanoma. Saw you at tuberculosis.

#237

⇓

I saw you at testicular cancer.

#238

⇓

I saw you practicing this.

#239

⇓

- Practicing what? - Telling me off.

#240

⇓

Is it going as well as you hoped, "Rupert"?

#241

⇓

- I'll expose you. - Go ahead. I'll expose you.

#242

⇓

WOMAN: All right, come together. Let yourselves cry.

#243

⇓

(crying softly)

#244

⇓

Oh, God, why are you doing this?

#245

⇓

It's cheaper than a movie, and there's free coffee.

#246

⇓

No, look. This is important, okay?

#247

⇓

These are my groups. I've been coming here for over a year.

#248

⇓

Why do you do it?

#249

⇓

I don't know. When people think you're dying,

#250

⇓

man, they really, really listen to you instead of just--

#251

⇓

Instead of just waiting for their turn to speak?

#252

⇓

Yeah. Yeah.

#253

⇓

- Share yourself... completely. - (moans)

#254

⇓

Look, you don't want to get into this. It becomes an addiction.

#255

⇓

- Really? - I'm not kidding.

#256

⇓

I can't cry if there's another faker present, and I need this.

#257

⇓

So you got to find somewhere else to go.

#258

⇓

Candy-stripe a cancer ward. It's not my problem.

#259

⇓

Wait, wait-- Wait a second. Ho-Hold on.

#260

⇓

I'll tell you. We're gonna split up the week, okay?

#261

⇓

You take lymphoma and tuberculosis--

#262

⇓

You take tuberculosis. My smoking doesn't go over at all.

#263

⇓

- Okay. Good. Fine. - (coughs)

#264

⇓

Testicular cancer should be no contest, I think.

#265

⇓

Well, technically, I have more right to be there than you.

#266

⇓

- You still have your balls. - You're kidding.

#267

⇓

- I don't know. Am I? - No. No.

#268

⇓

- What do you want? - I'll take the parasites.

#269

⇓

You can't have both the parasites, but why don't you take the blood parasites--

#270

⇓

- I want brain parasites. - I'll take the blood parasites,

#271

⇓

- but I'm gonna take the organic brain dementia, okay? - I want that.

#272

⇓

You can't have the whole brain.

#273

⇓

- So far you have four. I only have two. - Okay.

#274

⇓

Take both the parasites. They're yours. Now we both have three.

#275

⇓

Hey, you left half your clothes!

#276

⇓

(tires squealing)

#277

⇓

(car horns honking)

#278

⇓

- What, are you selling those? - Yes! I'm selling some clothes.

#279

⇓

So, we each have three. That's six.

#280

⇓

What about the seventh day? I want ascending bowel cancer.

#281

⇓

- NARRATOR: The girl had done her homework. - Thank you.

#282

⇓

No. No. I want bowel cancer.

#283

⇓

That's your favorite too? Tried to slip it by me, eh?

#284

⇓

We're gonna split it, okay? Take the first and third Sunday of the month.

#285

⇓

(horns honking in distance)

#286

⇓

Deal.

#287

⇓

Looks like this is good-bye.

#288

⇓

Well, let's not make a big thing out of it, okay?

#289

⇓

How's this for not making a big thing?

#290

⇓

(door opens)

#291

⇓

Hey, Marla!

#292

⇓

- (horn honks) - Marla!

#293

⇓

May-Maybe we should exchange numbers.

#294

⇓

- Should we? - We might want to switch nights.

#295

⇓

Okay.

#296

⇓

♪ (humming)

#297

⇓

NARRATOR: This is how I met Marla Singer.

#298

⇓

♪ (humming continues)

#299

⇓

Marla's philosophy of life was that she might die at any moment.

#300

⇓

The tragedy, she said, was that she didn't.

#301

⇓

It doesn't have your name. Who are you?

#302

⇓

- Cornelius? Rupert? Travis? - (horns honking)

#303

⇓

Any of the stupid names you give each night?

#304

⇓

- (turbulence) - NARRATOR: You wake up at Sea-Tac,

#305

⇓

S.F.O., L.A.X.

#306

⇓

- (camera shutter clicks) - You wake up at O'Hare,

#307

⇓

Dallas-Fort Worth,

#308

⇓

B.W.I.,

#309

⇓

pacific, mountain, central.

#310

⇓

Lose an hour. Gain an hour.

#311

⇓

Check-in for that flight doesn't begin for another two hours, sir.

#312

⇓

This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.

#313

⇓

- (bell dings) - You wake up at Air Harbor International.

#314

⇓

WOMAN (on P.A.): ...the aircraft has come to a complete stop.

#315

⇓

NARRATOR: If you wake up at a different time, in a different place,

#316

⇓

could you wake up as a different person?

#317

⇓

Everywhere I travel-- tiny life.

#318

⇓

Single-serving sugar. Single-serving cream.

#319

⇓

Single pat of butter.

#320

⇓

The microwave Cordon Bleu hobby kit.

#321

⇓

Shampoo-conditioner combos.

#322

⇓

Sample package mouthwash. Tiny bars of soap.

#323

⇓

MAN: ...professional wait staff--

#324

⇓

NARRATOR: The people I meet on each flight, they're single-serving friends.

#325

⇓

Between takeoff and landing, we have our time together,

#326

⇓

but that's all we get.

#327

⇓

ALL: Welcome!

#328

⇓

NARRATOR: On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

#329

⇓

I was a recall coordinator. My job was to apply the formula.

#330

⇓

Here's where the infant went through the windshield. Three points.

#331

⇓

NARRATOR: A new car built by my company leaves somewhere traveling at 60 miles per hour.

#332

⇓

The rear differential locks up.

#333

⇓

MAN: The teenager's braces are wrapped around the backseat ashtray.

#334

⇓

Might make a good anti-smoking ad.

#335

⇓

NARRATOR: The car crashes and burns with everyone trapped inside.

#336

⇓

Now, should we initiate a recall?

#337

⇓

The father must've been huge. You see where the fat's burned to the seat?

#338

⇓

The polyester shirt?

#339

⇓

- Very modern art. - (chuckles)

#340

⇓

NARRATOR: Take the number of vehicles in the field, "A,"

#341

⇓

multiply it by the probable rate of failure, "B,"

#342

⇓

then multiply the result by the average out-of-court settlement, "C."

#343

⇓

"A" times "B" times "C"--

#344

⇓

equals "X."

#345

⇓

If "X" is less than the cost of a recall,

#346

⇓

we don't do one.

#347

⇓

Are there a lot of these kinds of accidents?

#348

⇓

You wouldn't believe.

#349

⇓

Which car company do you work for?

#350

⇓

A major one.

#351

⇓

NARRATOR: Every time the plane banked too sharply

#352

⇓

on takeoff or landing, I prayed for a crash or a midair collision.

#353

⇓

Anything.

#354

⇓

(screaming)

#355

⇓

Life insurance pays off triple if you die on a business trip.

#356

⇓

(dings)

#357

⇓

"If you are seated in an emergency exit row"-- Yeah.

#358

⇓

"And you feel you would be unable or unwilling to perform

#359

⇓

the duties listed on the safety card,

#360

⇓

please ask a flight attendant to reseat you."

#361

⇓

It's a lot of responsibility.

#362

⇓

Wanna switch seats?

#363

⇓

No. I'm not sure I'm the man for that particular job.

#364

⇓

An exit-door procedure at 30,000 feet. Mm-hmm.

#365

⇓

The illusion of safety.

#366

⇓

Yeah. I guess so.

#367

⇓

You know why they put oxygen masks on planes?

#368

⇓

So you can breathe.

#369

⇓

Oxygen gets you high.

#370

⇓

In a catastrophic emergency, you're taking giant, panicked breaths.

#371

⇓

Suddenly you become euphoric, docile.

#372

⇓

You accept your fate.

#373

⇓

It's all right here.

#374

⇓

Emergency water landing-- 600 miles an hour.

#375

⇓

Blank faces, calm as Hindu cows.

#376

⇓

That's, um--

#377

⇓

That's an interesting theory.

#378

⇓

- What do you do? - What do you mean?

#379

⇓

What do you do for a living?

#380

⇓

Why? So you can pretend like you're interested?

#381

⇓

(laughs) Okay.

#382

⇓

You have a kind of sick desperation in your laugh.

#383

⇓

We have the exact same briefcase.

#384

⇓

- Soap. - Sorry?

#385

⇓

I make and I sell soap.

#386

⇓

The yardstick of civilization.

#387

⇓

- NARRATOR: And this is how I met-- - "Tyler Durden."

#388

⇓

Did you know if you mixed equal parts of gasoline

#389

⇓

and frozen orange juice concentrate, you can make napalm?

#390

⇓

No, I did not know that. Is that true?

#391

⇓

That's right. One can make all kinds of explosives using simple household items.

#392

⇓

- Really? - If one were so inclined.

#393

⇓

(briefcase latches click)

#394

⇓

Tyler, you are by far the most interesting

#395

⇓

"single-serving" friend I've ever met.

#396

⇓

See, I have this thing-- Everything on a plane is single-serving, even--

#397

⇓

- Oh, I get it. It's very clever. - Well, thank you.

#398

⇓

How's that working out for you?

#399

⇓

- What? - Being clever.

#400

⇓

Great.

#401

⇓

Keep it up then. Keep it right up.

#402

⇓

(sighs) Now a question of etiquette.

#403

⇓

As I pass, do I give you the ass or the crotch?

#404

⇓

NARRATOR: How I came to live with Tyler is--

#405

⇓

Airlines have this policy about vibrating luggage.

#406

⇓

WOMAN (on P.A., indistinct)

#407

⇓

Was-Was it ticking?

#408

⇓

Actually, throwers don't worry about ticking, 'cause modern bombs don't tick.

#409

⇓

- Sorry. "Throwers"? - Baggage handlers.

#410

⇓

But when a suitcase vibrates, then the thrower's gotta call the police.

#411

⇓

My suitcase... was vibrating?

#412

⇓

Nine times out of 10, it's an electric razor,

#413

⇓

but every once in a while...

#414

⇓

(whispering) it's a dildo.

#415

⇓

Of course, it's company policy never to imply ownership in the event of a dildo.

#416

⇓

We have to use the indefinite article-- "A" dildo.

#417

⇓

Never... "your" dildo.

#418

⇓

I don't own--

#419

⇓

NARRATOR: I had everything in that suitcase--

#420

⇓

My CK shirts, my DKNY shoes,

#421

⇓

my AX ties.

#422

⇓

- Never mind. - (tires squealing)

#423

⇓

MAN: Hey! That's my car!

#424

⇓

- (police radio chatter) - (siren wailing)

#425

⇓

NARRATOR: Home was a condo on the 15th floor

#426

⇓

of a filing cabinet for widows and young professionals.

#427

⇓

The walls were solid concrete.

#428

⇓

A foot of concrete's important when your next-door neighbor lets her hearing aid go

#429

⇓

and has to watch game shows at full volume.

#430

⇓

Or when a volcanic blast and debris

#431

⇓

that used to be your furniture and personal effects

#432

⇓

blows out of your floor-to-ceiling windows

#433

⇓

and sails flaming into the night.

#434

⇓

(helicopter circling)

#435

⇓

(police radio chatter)

#436

⇓

I suppose these things happen.

#437

⇓

There's nothing up there.

#438

⇓

You can't go into the unit. Police orders.

#439

⇓

Do you have somebody you can call?

#440

⇓

NARRATOR: How embarrassing. A house full of condiments and no food.

#441

⇓

The police would later tell me that the pilot light might have gone out,

#442

⇓

letting out just a little bit of gas.

#443

⇓

That gas could have slowly filled the condo--

#444

⇓

1,700 square feet with high ceilings for days and days.

#445

⇓

(dialing)

#446

⇓

- (line ringing) - Then the refrigerator's compressor could've clicked on.

#447

⇓

(ringing)

#448

⇓

MARLA: Yeah?

#449

⇓

- I can hear you breathing, you-- - (handset settles in cradle)

#450

⇓

NARRATOR: If you asked me now, I couldn't tell you why I called him.

#451

⇓

(line ringing)

#452

⇓

- (engine starts) - (ringing continues)

#453

⇓

(vehicle departs)

#454

⇓

(rings)

#455

⇓

(ringing continues)

#456

⇓

Hello?

#457

⇓

TYLER: Who's this? (crunching)

#458

⇓

Tyler?

#459

⇓

- Who is this? - Um-- (clears throat)

#460

⇓

We met-- We met on the airplane. We had the same suitcase.

#461

⇓

- (crunching continues) - Uh, the clever guy.

#462

⇓

TYLER: Oh. (laughing) Oh, yeah. Right. Okay.

#463

⇓

I called a second ago. There was no answer. I'm at a pay phone.

#464

⇓

Yeah. I star-69ed you. I never pick up my phone. (crunching)

#465

⇓

- So, what's up, man? - Uh, well--

#466

⇓

You're not gonna believe this.

#467

⇓

TYLER: You know, man, it could be worse.

#468

⇓

A woman could cut off your penis while you're sleeping

#469

⇓

and toss it out the window of a moving car.

#470

⇓

There's always that. I don't know. It's just--

#471

⇓

When you buy furniture, you tell yourself, "That's it.

#472

⇓

That's the last sofa I'm gonna need."

#473

⇓

Whatever else happens, I've got that sofa problem handled.

#474

⇓

I had it all. I had a stereo that was very decent,

#475

⇓

a wardrobe that was getting very respectable.

#476

⇓

I was close to being complete.

#477

⇓

- Shit, man. Now it's all gone. - All gone.

#478

⇓

Hmm. All gone.

#479

⇓

Do you know what a duvet is?

#480

⇓

- Comforter. - It's a blanket.

#481

⇓

Just a blanket. Why do guys like you and I know what a duvet is?

#482

⇓

Is this essential to our survival in the hunter-gatherer sense of the word?

#483

⇓

No. What are we then?

#484

⇓

We're, uh-- I don't know. Consumers.

#485

⇓

Right. We are consumers.

#486

⇓

We are by-products of a lifestyle obsession.

#487

⇓

Murder, crime, poverty-- These things don't concern me.

#488

⇓

What concerns me are celebrity magazines,

#489

⇓

television with 500 channels,

#490

⇓

some guy's name on my underwear.

#491

⇓

Rogaine, Viagra, olestra.

#492

⇓

- Martha Stewart. - Fuck Martha Stewart.

#493

⇓

Martha's polishing the brass on the Titanic. It's all going down, man.

#494

⇓

So fuck off with your sofa units

#495

⇓

and Strinne green stripe patterns.

#496

⇓

I say, never be complete.

#497

⇓

I say, stop being perfect. I say, let-let's evolve.

#498

⇓

Let the chips fall where they may.

#499

⇓

But that's me, and I could be wrong. Maybe it's a terrible tragedy.

#500

⇓

Nah. It's just-- It's just stuff.

#501

⇓

- It's not a tragedy, but-- - Well, you did lose

#502

⇓

a lot of versatile solutions for modern living.

#503

⇓

Fuck. You're right. No. I don't smoke.

#504

⇓

My-- My insurance is probably gonna cover it, so--

#505

⇓

(grunts)

#506

⇓

What?

#507

⇓

The things you own end up owning you.

#508

⇓

But do what you like, man.

#509

⇓

(groans) Oh, it's late.

#510

⇓

- Hey, thanks for the beer. - Yeah, man.

#511

⇓

I should find a hotel.

#512

⇓

- (groans) - What?

#513

⇓

- What? - A hotel?

#514

⇓

- Yeah. - Just ask, man.

#515

⇓

- What are you talking about? - (chuckles) Oh, God.

#516

⇓

Three pitchers of beer, and you still can't ask.

#517

⇓

- What? - You called me 'cause you needed a place to stay.

#518

⇓

- Oh, hey, hey-- No, no, no. I didn't mean-- - Yes, you did. So just ask.

#519

⇓

Cut the foreplay and just ask, man.

#520

⇓

Would-Would that be a problem?

#521

⇓

Is it a problem for you to ask?

#522

⇓

- Can I stay at your place? - Yeah.

#523

⇓

Thanks.

#524

⇓

- I want you to do me a favor. - Yeah, sure.

#525

⇓

I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

#526

⇓

What?

#527

⇓

I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

#528

⇓

NARRATOR: Let me tell you a little bit about Tyler Durden.

#529

⇓

Tyler was a night person.

#530

⇓

While the rest of us were sleeping, he worked.

#531

⇓

He had one part-time job as a projectionist.

#532

⇓

See, a movie doesn't come all on one big reel. It comes on a few.

#533

⇓

So someone has to be there to switch the projectors

#534

⇓

at the exact moment that one reel ends and the next one begins.

#535

⇓

If you look for it, you can see these little dots

#536

⇓

- come into the upper right-hand corner of the screen. - (beep)

#537

⇓

In the industry, we call them "cigarette burns."

#538

⇓

That's the cue for a changeover.

#539

⇓

He flips the projectors, movie keeps right on going,

#540

⇓

and nobody in the audience has any idea.

#541

⇓

Why would anyone want this shit job?

#542

⇓

Because it affords him other interesting opportunities.

#543

⇓

Like splicing single frames of pornography into family films.

#544

⇓

So when the snooty cat and the courageous dog with the celebrity voices

#545

⇓

meet for the first time in reel three,

#546

⇓

that's when you'll catch a flash of Tyler's contribution to the film.

#547

⇓

♪ (singing in movie)

#548

⇓

- WOMAN (moans) - ♪ (singing continues)

#549

⇓

Nobody knows that they saw it, but they did.

#550

⇓

A nice, big cock.

#551

⇓

♪ (singing continues)

#552

⇓

(crying)

#553

⇓

Even a hummingbird couldn't catch Tyler at work.

#554

⇓

♪ (soft piano)

#555

⇓

Tyler also works sometimes as a banquet waiter

#556

⇓

at the luxurious Pressman Hotel.

#557

⇓

- (urinating) - He was the guerrilla terrorist in the food service industry.

#558

⇓

Do not watch. I cannot go when you watch.

#559

⇓

Apart from seasoning the lobster bisque,

#560

⇓

he farted on meringues, sneezed on braised endive.

#561

⇓

And as for the cream of mushroom soup, well--

#562

⇓

- (chuckles) Go ahead. Tell them. - You get the idea.

#563

⇓

- What do you want me to do? You just want me to hit you? - Come on. Do me this one favor.

#564

⇓

- Why? - Why? I don't know why. I don't know.

#565

⇓

- I've never been in a fight. You? - No, but that's a good thing.

#566

⇓

No, it is not. How much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight?

#567

⇓

I don't wanna die without any scars.

#568

⇓

So, come on. Hit me before I lose my nerve.

#569

⇓

Oh, God. This is crazy. I--

#570

⇓

- So go crazy. Let 'er rip. - Hey, I don't know about this.

#571

⇓

I don't either, but who gives a shit?

#572

⇓

- No one's watching. What do you care? - Wait.

#573

⇓

- This is crazy. You want me to hit you? - That's right.

#574

⇓

- What, like, in the face? - (laughing) Surprise me.

#575

⇓

This is so fucking stupid.

#576

⇓

(train horn blowing in distance)

#577

⇓

(grunts)

#578

⇓

Motherfucker!

#579

⇓

- You hit me in the ear! - Well, Jesus, I'm sorry.

#580

⇓

Ow! Christ! Why the ear, man?

#581

⇓

- Aw, I fucked it up kinda. - No. That was perfect.

#582

⇓

(grunts)

#583

⇓

- (groaning) - (chuckles)

#584

⇓

Nah, it's all right.

#585

⇓

- You okay? - That really hurts.

#586

⇓

- Right. - Hit me again.

#587

⇓

(laughing) No. You hit me. Come on.

#588

⇓

BOTH (grunting)

#589

⇓

(siren wailing in distance)

#590

⇓

We should do this again sometime.

#591

⇓

(chuckles)

#592

⇓

- Where's your car? - What car?

#593

⇓

(belches)

#594

⇓

NARRATOR: I don't know how Tyler found that house,

#595

⇓

but he said he'd been there for a year.

#596

⇓

- It looked like it was waiting to be torn down. - (groans)

#597

⇓

Most of the windows were boarded up.

#598

⇓

There was no lock on the front door

#599

⇓

from when the police or whoever kicked it in.

#600

⇓

- The stairs were ready to collapse. - (board cracks)

#601

⇓

I didn't know if he owned it or if he was squatting.

#602

⇓

Neither would have surprised me.

#603

⇓

Yep. That's you.

#604

⇓

That's me. That's the toilet. Good?

#605

⇓

Yeah. Thanks.

#606

⇓

- NARRATOR: What a shit-hole. - (springs clang)

#607

⇓

- Nothing worked. - (water pipes rumble)

#608

⇓

Turning on one light meant another light in the house went out.

#609

⇓

There were no neighbors, just some warehouses and a paper mill--

#610

⇓

That fart smell of steam, the hamster cage smell of wood chips.

#611

⇓

- After work tomorrow, we'll be-- - Hey. What have we here?

#612

⇓

BOTH (grunting)

#613

⇓

Hold on. Hold on. (groans)

#614

⇓

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

#615

⇓

- Hey. - It's cool. (grunts)

#616

⇓

♪ (whistling)

#617

⇓

NARRATOR: Every time it rained, we had to kill the power.

#618

⇓

By the end of the first month, I didn't miss TV.

#619

⇓

That's it. Okay.

#620

⇓

I didn't even mind the warm, stale refrigerator.

#621

⇓

BOTH (grunting)

#622

⇓

Can I be next?

#623

⇓

All right, man. Lose the tie.

#624

⇓

- (glass shatters) - Ooh! (laughs)

#625

⇓

NARRATOR: At night, Tyler and I were alone for a half a mile in every direction.

#626

⇓

- (glass shatters) - You got it.

#627

⇓

Rain trickled down through the plaster and the light fixtures.

#628

⇓

Everything wooden swelled and shrank.

#629

⇓

Everywhere were rusted nails to snag your elbow on.

#630

⇓

The previous occupant had been a bit of a shut-in.

#631

⇓

- (bell dings) - Hey, man, what are you reading?

#632

⇓

Listen to this. It's an article written by an organ in the first person.

#633

⇓

"I am Jack's medulla oblongata.

#634

⇓

Without me, Jack could not regulate his heart rate, blood pressure or breathing."

#635

⇓

There's a whole series of these.

#636

⇓

- I Am Jill's Nipples. - (clattering)

#637

⇓

- I Am Jack's Colon. - Yeah. "I get cancer. I kill Jack."

#638

⇓

Whoa-- Ohh!

#639

⇓

NARRATOR: After fighting, everything else in your life got the volume turned down.

#640

⇓

(muted chattering)

#641

⇓

- What? - NARRATOR: You could deal with anything.

#642

⇓

Have you finished those reports?

#643

⇓

- (water splashes) - TYLER: If you could fight anyone, who would you fight?

#644

⇓

- (scrubbing) - I'd fight my boss, probably.

#645

⇓

Really?

#646

⇓

Yeah. Why? Who would you fight?

#647

⇓

- I'd fight my dad. - I don't know my dad.

#648

⇓

I mean, I know him, but he left when I was, like, six years old,

#649

⇓

married this other woman and had some other kids.

#650

⇓

He, like, did this every six years.

#651

⇓

He goes to a new city and starts a new family.

#652

⇓

Fucker settin' up franchises.

#653

⇓

My dad never went to college, so it was real important that I go.

#654

⇓

- That sounds familiar. - So I graduate. I call him up long distance.

#655

⇓

I say, "Dad, now what?" He says, "Get a job."

#656

⇓

- Same here. - Now I'm 25.

#657

⇓

I make my yearly call again. I say, "Dad, now what?"

#658

⇓

He says, "I don't know. Get married."

#659

⇓

(scoffs) I mean-- I can't get married.

#660

⇓

- (thunder rumbles) - I'm a 30-year-old boy.

#661

⇓

We're a generation of men raised by women.

#662

⇓

I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need.

#663

⇓

NARRATOR: Most of the week, we were Ozzie and Harriet.

#664

⇓

- ♪ (whistling) - But every Saturday night,

#665

⇓

- we were finding something out. - MEN (shouting)

#666

⇓

We were finding out more and more that we were not alone.

#667

⇓

MEN (groaning)

#668

⇓

MAN: Who turned the lights off?

#669

⇓

It used to be that when I came home angry or depressed--

#670

⇓

- MAN: Good night, Marla. - I'd just clean my condo,

#671

⇓

polish my Scandinavian furniture.

#672

⇓

I should've been looking for a new condo.

#673

⇓

I should've been haggling with my insurance company.

#674

⇓

I should've been upset about my nice, neat flaming little shit.

#675

⇓

But I wasn't.

#676

⇓

The basic premise of cyber-netting any office is make things more efficient.

#677

⇓

NARRATOR: Monday mornings, all I could do was think about next week.

#678

⇓

Can I get the icon in cornflower blue?

#679

⇓

Absolutely. Efficiency is priority number one, people.

#680

⇓

Because waste is a thief.

#681

⇓

I showed this already to my man here. You liked it, didn't you?

#682

⇓

(hisses)

#683

⇓

NARRATOR: You can swallow a pint of blood before you get sick.

#684

⇓

It was right in everyone's face.

#685

⇓

Tyler and I just made it visible.

#686

⇓

It was on the tip of everyone's tongue.

#687

⇓

- Tyler and I just gave it a name. - ♪ (rock)

#688

⇓

♪ MAN (singing, indistinct)

#689

⇓

Come on, people, you gotta go home.

#690

⇓

♪ (continues)

#691

⇓

Turn off the jukebox. Lock the back.

#692

⇓

- MAN: Keep it down. - MAN #2 (hawks)

#693

⇓

- Keep it down. - (spits)

#694

⇓

NARRATOR: Every week, Tyler gave the rules that he and I decided.

#695

⇓

Gentlemen, welcome to Fight Club.

#696

⇓

(switch clicks)

#697

⇓

The first rule of Fight Club is

#698

⇓

you do not talk about Fight Club.

#699

⇓

The second rule of Fight Club is

#700

⇓

you do not talk about Fight Club.

#701

⇓

Third rule of Fight Club--

#702

⇓

Someone yells stop, goes limp, taps out, the fight is over.

#703

⇓

- Fourth rule-- Only two guys to a fight. - (scattered laughter)

#704

⇓

Fifth rule-- One fight at a time, fellas.

#705

⇓

- (laughter) - Sixth rule-- No shirts, no shoes.

#706

⇓

Seventh rule-- Fights will go on as long as they have to.

#707

⇓

And the eighth and final rule--

#708

⇓

If this is your first night at Fight Club,

#709

⇓

you have to fight.

#710

⇓

(loud shouting, cheering)

#711

⇓

NARRATOR: This kid from work, Ricky,

#712

⇓

couldn't remember whether you ordered pens with blue ink or black.

#713

⇓

- Come on, man! - But Ricky was a god for 10 minutes

#714

⇓

when he trounced the maître d' of a local food court.

#715

⇓

Sometimes, all you could hear were the flat, hard packing sounds over the yelling.

#716

⇓

Or the wet choke when someone caught their breath and sprayed--

#717

⇓

- Stop! - You weren't alive anywhere like you were there.

#718

⇓

But Fight Club only exists in the hours

#719

⇓

between when Fight Club starts and when Fight Club ends.

#720

⇓

Even if I could tell someone they had a good fight,

#721

⇓

I wouldn't be talking to the same man.

#722

⇓

Who you were in Fight Club is not who you were in the rest of the world.

#723

⇓

The guy who came to Fight Club for the first time,

#724

⇓

his ass was a wad of cookie dough.

#725

⇓

After a few weeks, he was carved out of wood.

#726

⇓

If you could fight any celebrity, who would you fight?

#727

⇓

- Alive or dead? - It doesn't matter. Who'd be tough?

#728

⇓

Hemingway. You?

#729

⇓

Shatner. I'd fight William Shatner.

#730

⇓

NARRATOR: We all started seeing things differently.

#731

⇓

- (clattering) - Everywhere we went, we were sizing things up.

#732

⇓

I felt sorry for guys packed into gyms,

#733

⇓

trying to look like how Calvin Klein

#734

⇓

or Tommy Hilfiger said they should.

#735

⇓

Is that what a man looks like?

#736

⇓

(laughing) Ahh. Self-improvement is masturbation.

#737

⇓

Now, self-destruction--

#738

⇓

- Excuse me. - WOMAN (coughing)

#739

⇓

(screaming)

#740

⇓

ALL (shouting)

#741

⇓

Pound his ass! Hit him again, man! Come on! Hit him!

#742

⇓

(shouting continues)

#743

⇓

NARRATOR: Fight Club wasn't about winning or losing.

#744

⇓

It wasn't about words.

#745

⇓

The hysterical shouting was in tongues,

#746

⇓

like in a Pentecostal church.

#747

⇓

- Is that it? - Stop! Stop!

#748

⇓

When the fight was over, nothing was solved,

#749

⇓

- but nothing mattered. - Hey, cool.

#750

⇓

NARRATOR: Afterwards, we all felt saved.

#751

⇓

Hey, man, how about next week?

#752

⇓

- How about next month? - I hear you.

#753

⇓

Irvin, you're in the middle. New guy. You too.

#754

⇓

NARRATOR: Sometimes, Tyler spoke for me.

#755

⇓

Fell down some stairs.

#756

⇓

I fell down some stairs.

#757

⇓

Fight Club became the reason to cut your hair short or trim your fingernails.

#758

⇓

Okay. Any historical figure.

#759

⇓

I'd fight Gandhi.

#760

⇓

- Good answer. - How about you?

#761

⇓

- Lincoln. - Lincoln?

#762

⇓

Mm. Big guy, big reach. Skinny guys fight till they're burger.

#763

⇓

(groans) Fuck.

#764

⇓

Hey. Even the Mona Lisa's falling apart.

#765

⇓

(rings)

#766

⇓

Hello.

#767

⇓

MARLA: Where have you been the last eight weeks?

#768

⇓

- Marla? - (karate yell)

#769

⇓

- How'd you find me? - You left that forwarding number.

#770

⇓

I haven't seen you in any support groups.

#771

⇓

Yeah, we split them up. That was the idea, remember?

#772

⇓

Yeah, but you haven't been going to yours.

#773

⇓

- How do you know? - I cheated.

#774

⇓

- (karate yell) - I found a new one.

#775

⇓

- Really? - It's for men only.

#776

⇓

- Like the testicle thing? - (karate yell)

#777

⇓

- Look, this is a bad time. - I've been going to Debtors Anonymous.

#778

⇓

- You wanna see some really fucked-up people? - I'm just on my way out.

#779

⇓

Me too. I've got a stomach full of Xanax.

#780

⇓

I took what was left of a bottle.

#781

⇓

It might have been too much.

#782

⇓

NARRATOR: Just picture watching Marla Singer throw herself

#783

⇓

around her crummy apartment.

#784

⇓

But this isn't a for-real suicide thing.

#785

⇓

This is probably one of those cry-for-help things.

#786

⇓

- NARRATOR: This could go on for hours. - You're staying in tonight then?

#787

⇓

Do you wanna wait and hear me describe death?

#788

⇓

Do you wanna listen

#789

⇓

and see if my spirit can use a phone?

#790

⇓

- (clattering) - Have you ever heard a death rattle before?

#791

⇓

NARRATOR: Tyler's door was closed. I'd been living here for two months,

#792

⇓

and Tyler's door was never closed.

#793

⇓

(footsteps on stairs)

#794

⇓

You won't believe this dream I had last night.

#795

⇓

Yeah, I can hardly believe anything about last night.

#796

⇓

(gargles, chuckles)

#797

⇓

What-What are you doing here?

#798

⇓

What?

#799

⇓

This is my house. What are you doing in my house?

#800

⇓

Fuck you.

#801

⇓

(cup clatters)

#802

⇓

(laughs) Ah!

#803

⇓

Oh, you got some fucked-up friends, I'm tellin' you.

#804

⇓

(chuckling) Limber, though.

#805

⇓

Silly cooze.

#806

⇓

So I come in last night. Phone's off the hook.

#807

⇓

Guess who's on the other end.

#808

⇓

NARRATOR: I already knew the story before he told it to me.

#809

⇓

Have you ever heard a death rattle before?

#810

⇓

Do you think it'll live up to its name?

#811

⇓

Or will it just be a death hair ball?

#812

⇓

(coughs)

#813

⇓

Prepare... to evacuate soul.

#814

⇓

Ten, nine, eight--

#815

⇓

NARRATOR: Now, how could Tyler, of all people,

#816

⇓

think it was a bad thing that Marla Singer was about to die?

#817

⇓

MARLA: Five, four,

#818

⇓

three-- Oh, hang on.

#819

⇓

You got here fast.

#820

⇓

♪ WOMAN (singing, indistinct)

#821

⇓

Did I call you?

#822

⇓

Huh?

#823

⇓

Hey. (chuckles)

#824

⇓

(stifled laugh)

#825

⇓

The mattress is all sealed in slippery plastic.

#826

⇓

(rattling)

#827

⇓

Oh, don't worry. It's not a threat to you.

#828

⇓

(siren wailing)

#829

⇓

Oh, fuck.

#830

⇓

Somebody called the cops.

#831

⇓

(police radio chatter)

#832

⇓

- (radio chatter continues) - OFFICER: Back there!

#833

⇓

OFFICERS (shouting)

#834

⇓

- 513-- Where's 513? - Oh, end of the hall.

#835

⇓

You know, the girl who lives there used to be a charming, lovely girl.

#836

⇓

- (dog barking) - She's lost faith in herself.

#837

⇓

- Miss Singer! - She's a monster.

#838

⇓

You have every reason to live!

#839

⇓

She's infectious human waste!

#840

⇓

- Miss Singer! - Good luck trying to save her!

#841

⇓

If I fall asleep, I'm done for.

#842

⇓

You're gonna have to keep me up

#843

⇓

all night.

#844

⇓

Un-fucking-believable. (coughs)

#845

⇓

NARRATOR: He was obviously able to handle it.

#846

⇓

- You know what I mean. You fucked her. - No, I didn't.

#847

⇓

- Never? - No.

#848

⇓

- You're not into her, are you? - No! God, not at all.

#849

⇓

NARRATOR: I am Jack's raging bile duct.

#850

⇓

Are you sure? You can tell me.

#851

⇓

- Believe me, I'm sure. - NARRATOR: Put a gun to my head

#852

⇓

and paint the walls with my brains.

#853

⇓

That's good, 'cause she's a predator posing as a house pet.

#854

⇓

Stay away from that one.

#855

⇓

(chuckling)

#856

⇓

And the shit that came out of this woman's mouth, I ain't never heard.

#857

⇓

My God.

#858

⇓

I haven't been fucked like that since grade school.

#859

⇓

- (shudders) - NARRATOR: How could Tyler not go for that?

#860

⇓

The night before last, he was splicing sex organs into Cinderella.

#861

⇓

Marla doesn't need a lover. She needs a fucking caseworker.

#862

⇓

She needs a wash. And she's in love with sport fuckin'.

#863

⇓

NARRATOR: She invaded my support groups. Now she'd invaded my home.

#864

⇓

Hey, hey. Sit down.

#865

⇓

Now, listen. Can't have you talking to her about me.

#866

⇓

- Why would I talk to her-- - You say anything about me or what goes on in this house

#867

⇓

to her or to anybody, we're done.

#868

⇓

- Now promise me. - Okay.

#869

⇓

- You promise? - Yeah, I promise.

#870

⇓

- Promise. - I just said I promise.

#871

⇓

That's three times you promised.

#872

⇓

NARRATOR: If only I had wasted a couple of minutes

#873

⇓

and gone to watch Marla Singer die, none of this would've happened.

#874

⇓

- MARLA (moaning loudly) - (loud thumping)

#875

⇓

MARLA: Oh, my God! Yeah! Oh! Harder! Harder!

#876

⇓

Yes! Ooh! Aah!

#877

⇓

Aah! Ohh! Aah!

#878

⇓

TYLER and MARLA (shouting, grunting)

#879

⇓

NARRATOR: I could've moved to another room--

#880

⇓

on the third floor, where I might not have heard them.

#881

⇓

(shouting continues)

#882

⇓

- But I didn't. - (rats squeaking)

#883

⇓

MARLA (moaning)

#884

⇓

- (loud thumping) - (moaning, screaming)

#885

⇓

- (slapping) - (moaning, screaming continue)

#886

⇓

MARLA (screaming loudly)

#887

⇓

- MARLA and TYLER (screaming) - (bed thumping)

#888

⇓

(rattling)

#889

⇓

- What are you doin'? - Just goin' to bed.

#890

⇓

- MARLA (moaning) - You want to finish her off?

#891

⇓

- (gasps) Oh! - (clattering)

#892

⇓

No. No, thank you.

#893

⇓

MARLA: I found the cigarettes.

#894

⇓

- Who are you talking to? - Shut up.

#895

⇓

- MARLA (moaning) - NARRATOR: I became the calm little center of the world.

#896

⇓

- I was the Zen master. - TYLER (grunting)

#897

⇓

I wrote little haiku poems.

#898

⇓

I e-mailed them to everyone.

#899

⇓

- Is that your blood? - (modem connecting)

#900

⇓

Some of it, yeah.

#901

⇓

- You can't smoke in here. - (snickers)

#902

⇓

Take the rest of the day off. Come back Monday with some clean clothes.

#903

⇓

Get yourself together.

#904

⇓

NARRATOR: I got right in everyone's hostile little face.

#905

⇓

Yes, these are bruises from fighting.

#906

⇓

Yes, I'm comfortable with that.

#907

⇓

I... am enlightened.

#908

⇓

You give up the condo life,

#909

⇓

give up all your flaming worldly possessions,

#910

⇓

go live in a dilapidated house

#911

⇓

- in a toxic-waste part of town-- - TYLER (grunting)

#912

⇓

- and you have to come home to this. - (loud thumping)

#913

⇓

(phone rings)

#914

⇓

TYLER and MARLA (moaning and shouting)

#915

⇓

MARLA (screaming loudly)

#916

⇓

(rings)

#917

⇓

- Hello? - Yes. This is Detective Stern with the arson unit.

#918

⇓

We have some new information about the incident

#919

⇓

- at your former condo. - Yes?

#920

⇓

I don't know if you're aware, but it seems that someone sprayed Freon

#921

⇓

into your front door lock, then tapped it with a chisel

#922

⇓

to shatter the cylinder.

#923

⇓

No, I wasn't aware of that at all.

#924

⇓

NARRATOR: I am Jack's cold sweat.

#925

⇓

Does this sound strange to you?

#926

⇓

Uh, yes, sir. Strange. Very strange.

#927

⇓

- The dynamite... - Dynamite?

#928

⇓

...left a residue of ammonium oxalate potassium chloride.

#929

⇓

- Do you know what this means? - No. What does it mean?

#930

⇓

- It means it was homemade. - I'm sorry.

#931

⇓

This is just coming as quite a shock to me, sir.

#932

⇓

See, whoever set this homemade dynamite

#933

⇓

could've blown out your pilot light days before the actual explosion.

#934

⇓

The gas was just the detonator.

#935

⇓

Who would go and do such a thing?

#936

⇓

- I'll ask the questions. - Tell him.

#937

⇓

Tell him the liberator who destroyed my property

#938

⇓

has realigned my perception.

#939

⇓

DETECTIVE: Excuse me. Are you there?

#940

⇓

No, I am listening.

#941

⇓

It's a little hard to know what to make of all this.

#942

⇓

Have you recently made enemies with anyone

#943

⇓

who might have access to homemade dynamite?

#944

⇓

- Enemies? - Reject the basic assumptions of civilization,

#945

⇓

especially the importance of material possessions.

#946

⇓

- DETECTIVE: Son, this is serious. - Yes, I know it's serious.

#947

⇓

- I mean that. - Yes, it's very serious.

#948

⇓

Look, nobody takes this more seriously than me. That condo was my life.

#949

⇓

Okay? I loved every stick of furniture in that place.

#950

⇓

That was not just a bunch of stuff that got destroyed.

#951

⇓

- It was me! - NARRATOR: I'd like to thank the Academy.

#952

⇓

DETECTIVE: Is this not a good time for you?

#953

⇓

- Just tell him you fuckin' did it. - Shh!

#954

⇓

Tell him you blew it all up. That's what he wants to hear.

#955

⇓

- Are you still there? - Wait.

#956

⇓

- Are you saying that I'm a suspect? - No, no.

#957

⇓

I may need to talk to you a little further,

#958

⇓

so how about you just let me know if you're gonna leave town?

#959

⇓

- Okay? - Okay.

#960

⇓

NARRATOR: Except for their humping, Tyler and Marla were never in the same room.

#961

⇓

My parents pulled this exact same act for years.

#962

⇓

The condom is the glass slipper of our generation.

#963

⇓

You slip one on when you meet a stranger.

#964

⇓

You dance all night.

#965

⇓

Then you throw it away.

#966

⇓

- The condom, I mean. Not the stranger. - (lighter flicks)

#967

⇓

What?

#968

⇓

(chuckles)

#969

⇓

(inhales) I got this dress at a thrift store for one dollar.

#970

⇓

It was worth every penny.

#971

⇓

It's a bridesmaid's dress.

#972

⇓

Someone loved it intensely for one day,

#973

⇓

then tossed it.

#974

⇓

Like a Christmas tree.

#975

⇓

So special.

#976

⇓

Then, bam.

#977

⇓

It's on the side of the road,

#978

⇓

tinsel still clinging to it

#979

⇓

like a sex crime victim,

#980

⇓

underwear inside out,

#981

⇓

- bound with electrical tape. - Well, then it suits you.

#982

⇓

You can borrow it sometime.

#983

⇓

(stomping on stairs)

#984

⇓

Get rid of her.

#985

⇓

- Why can't you get rid of her? - Don't mention me.

#986

⇓

NARRATOR: I'm six years old again,

#987

⇓

passing messages between parents.

#988

⇓

I really think it's time you got out of here.

#989

⇓

- Don't worry. I'm leaving. - Not that we don't love your little visits.

#990

⇓

You know, you are such a nutcase. I can't even begin to keep up.

#991

⇓

(bottle clatters)

#992

⇓

- ♪ Gotta get off ♪ - Thanks. Bye.

#993

⇓

♪ Gotta get off this merry-go-round ♪

#994

⇓

♪ Gonna get, need to get ♪

#995

⇓

♪ Gotta get on where ♪

#996

⇓

(chuckling)

#997

⇓

You kids.

#998

⇓

Wh-Why do you still waste time with her?

#999

⇓

I'll say this about Marla-- At least she's tryin' to hit bottom.

#1000

⇓

« Prev Page 1 of 2 Next »