Home » Ace Ventura Pet Detective (1994) » S01E01 — Ace Ventura Pet Detective

Ace Ventura Pet Detective (1994)

Season 1, Episode 1 — Ace Ventura Pet Detective

[WHISTLING]

#1

⇓

Heads up! Good defense!

#2

⇓

Good defense!

#3

⇓

Hmm!

#4

⇓

[CLANGING]

#5

⇓

Oh.

#6

⇓

[CHUCKLES]

#7

⇓

We're going downtown.

#8

⇓

[DOG BARKING]

#9

⇓

MAN: Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt.

#10

⇓

What do you want?

#11

⇓

HDS, sir. How are you this afternoon? Alrighty, then. I have a package for you.

#12

⇓

[BROKEN GLASS]

#13

⇓

It sounds broken.

#14

⇓

Most likely. I'll bet it was something nice. This is an insurance form.

#15

⇓

If you'll just sign here, here, and here...

#16

⇓

...initial here, we'll get the rest of the forms to you as soon as we can.

#17

⇓

That's a lovely dog you have there, sir.

#18

⇓

- Do you mind if I pet him? - I don't give a rat's ass.

#19

⇓

Alrighty, then.

#20

⇓

[BABBLING]

#21

⇓

Oh, brother.

#22

⇓

That's fine. I can finish the rest.

#23

⇓

You just have yourself a good day. Take care now. Bye-bye, then.

#24

⇓

Excuse me! HDS!

#25

⇓

HDS! Coming through!

#26

⇓

Got a package, people!

#27

⇓

[HUMMING]

#28

⇓

Get away from the door.

#29

⇓

What's the matter with you? I said, get!

#30

⇓

[SQUEAKS]

#31

⇓

Son of a bitch!

#32

⇓

ACE: That was a close one!

#33

⇓

Unfortunately...

#34

⇓

...in every contest, there must be a loser.

#35

⇓

Loser.

#36

⇓

Hungry, fella?

#37

⇓

There you go.

#38

⇓

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

#39

⇓

No problem. It gets flooded. We'll just wait a few seconds.

#40

⇓

[MAN SHOUTING AND DOG BARKING]

#41

⇓

Or we can try it now.

#42

⇓

Putz!

#43

⇓

Come on!

#44

⇓

Get out! Get out!

#45

⇓

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

#46

⇓

Warning: Assholes are closer than they appear!

#47

⇓

[GROANS]

#48

⇓

Uh, you wanna give me a push while you're back there?

#49

⇓

Alrighty, then!

#50

⇓

Ha, ha! It's alive!

#51

⇓

It's alive!

#52

⇓

[SHOUTING]

#53

⇓

[ACE BARKING THEN MAN SHOUTING]

#54

⇓

[BARKING]

#55

⇓

[BARKING]

#56

⇓

WOMAN: My little baby, come here. You missed Mommy, didn't you?

#57

⇓

Yes, you did. Did Daddy hurt you? I won't let him. No, I won't.

#58

⇓

He can keep the big TV, but he's not gonna hurt my baby, no he's not.

#59

⇓

Thank you, Mr. Ventura.

#60

⇓

How can I ever repay you?

#61

⇓

A reward would be good.

#62

⇓

There is some damage to my car, and I had to fill it with premium.

#63

⇓

Would you like for me to take your pants off instead?

#64

⇓

Gee, let me think.

#65

⇓

Sure.

#66

⇓

[PANTS UNZIPPING]

#67

⇓

Whoa, jeez.

#68

⇓

Oh. For the love of Pete!

#69

⇓

People are real friendly around here. Whoa!

#70

⇓

[DOLPHIN CLICKING]

#71

⇓

HOST [ON TV]: And now, let's meet our contestants.

#72

⇓

First...

#73

⇓

SHICKADANCE: Ventura!

#74

⇓

Yes, Satan?

#75

⇓

I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.

#76

⇓

Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura.

#77

⇓

[COUGHS]

#78

⇓

You owe me rent.

#79

⇓

Mr. Shickadance, I told you, you're my first priority.

#80

⇓

I'm on a very big case right now. Check this out.

#81

⇓

Look at that. That's a true albino pigeon.

#82

⇓

Some rich guy lost it. He's offering a $25,000 reward.

#83

⇓

As soon as I find this bird...

#84

⇓

...you're paid.

#85

⇓

I heard animals in there.

#86

⇓

I heard them again this morning, scratching around.

#87

⇓

I never bring my work home with me.

#88

⇓

Oh, yeah?

#89

⇓

What's all this pet food for?

#90

⇓

Fiber.

#91

⇓

Wanna take a look inside? Come on!

#92

⇓

Come on!

#93

⇓

Go ahead. Snoop around!

#94

⇓

[SNIFFING]

#95

⇓

Well?

#96

⇓

Are you satisfied?

#97

⇓

Just don't let me catch you with an animal in here. That's all.

#98

⇓

All right.

#99

⇓

Take care, now. Bye-bye, then.

#100

⇓

Loser!

#101

⇓

[WHISTLES]

#102

⇓

Come to me, jungle friends.

#103

⇓

[SINGING]

#104

⇓

RIDDLE: Roger, let me ask you one question.

#105

⇓

How in hell do you lose a 500-pound fish?

#106

⇓

What?

#107

⇓

I'm sorry, I was just going to say...

#108

⇓

...that it's not a fish. It's a mammal.

#109

⇓

Thank you, Miss Jacques Cousteau.

#110

⇓

Don, she didn't mean anything by that.

#111

⇓

RIDDLE: I don't give a good goddamn about that fish!

#112

⇓

Fillet it and fast-food it if you want to!

#113

⇓

All I give a damn about is winning the Super Bowl!

#114

⇓

My athletes have got to have their heads in the right place.

#115

⇓

Shit, Roger. You've been in this business a long time.

#116

⇓

You know how superstitious these players are.

#117

⇓

I have a quarterback that's put his socks on backwards since high school.

#118

⇓

I've got a linebacker that hasn't washed his jockey strap in two years...

#119

⇓

...because he thinks flies are lucky.

#120

⇓

I want that fish on that field Super Bowl Sunday.

#121

⇓

Find the fish...

#122

⇓

...or find new jobs!

#123

⇓

Why did it happen now, two weeks before the Super Bowl?

#124

⇓

I'll tell you, it's those animal-rights activists!

#125

⇓

Always out with their signs:

#126

⇓

"Animals were born free. Stop torturing Snowflake."

#127

⇓

That fish lives better than they do.

#128

⇓

The police are checking into the animal- rights groups. Have they called back?

#129

⇓

No, but I wanted to tell you, when I lost my Cuddles...

#130

⇓

...I hired a pet detective.

#131

⇓

A what?

#132

⇓

A pet detective.

#133

⇓

Thanks, Martha, but we better leave this to professionals.

#134

⇓

Well, actually, he was quite good.

#135

⇓

Pet detection is a very involved, highly scientific process.

#136

⇓

[MIMICKING PIGEON]

#137

⇓

[ACE YELLS]

#138

⇓

[PAGER BEEPING]

#139

⇓

Like a glove.

#140

⇓

Uh, Mr. Ventura here to see you.

#141

⇓

Thanks, Martha.

#142

⇓

Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson.

#143

⇓

Pleasure to meet you.

#144

⇓

Any trouble getting in?

#145

⇓

No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.

#146

⇓

- Uh, security's tight Super Bowl! week. - Ah.

#147

⇓

Why don't you have a seat? I'll get right to the point.

#148

⇓

Our mascot was stolen from his tank last night. Are you familiar with Snowflake?

#149

⇓

Negative.

#150

⇓

We got him from Miami. He's a rare bottle-nosed dolphin.

#151

⇓

This is a new trick he was going to do for the halftime show.

#152

⇓

TRAINER [ON TV]: Let's go. Blue 42, blue 42.

#153

⇓

Hut, hut.

#154

⇓

All right.

#155

⇓

Come on, let's go.

#156

⇓

Good boy.

#157

⇓

Would you like an ashtray?

#158

⇓

I don't smoke.

#159

⇓

It's a disgusting habit.

#160

⇓

MELISSA: The police came today.

#161

⇓

Apparently, the kidnappers came in through the back with a--

#162

⇓

Four-wheel-drive van, loaded from the rear.

#163

⇓

- Ugh. - Roger, how you holding up?

#164

⇓

ROGER: If I'm walking funny it's because I got two dozen reporters up my ass.

#165

⇓

They've been asking me about Snowflake all morning.

#166

⇓

Who's he?

#167

⇓

Roger Podacter, meet Ace Ventura.

#168

⇓

He's our pet detective.

#169

⇓

Nice to meet you. You came very highly recommended by Martha Mertz.

#170

⇓

Martha Mertz?

#171

⇓

Oh, yeah, the bitch.

#172

⇓

What?

#173

⇓

Pekingese, lost in Highland Park area. She was half-dead when I found her.

#174

⇓

Is that the tank?

#175

⇓

Excuse me.

#176

⇓

- Cops drain it? - Yes, this morning.

#177

⇓

If I'm not back in five minutes...

#178

⇓

...just wait longer.

#179

⇓

[MIMICS BEEPING SOUND]

#180

⇓

[AS CAPTAIN KIRK] Captain's log, stardate 23.9...

#181

⇓

...rounded off to the nearest decimal point.

#182

⇓

We've traveled back in time to save an ancient species from annihilation.

#183

⇓

So far...

#184

⇓

...no signs of aquatic life, but I am going to find it.

#185

⇓

If I have to tear another black hole, I'm going to find it.

#186

⇓

I've got to, mister.

#187

⇓

[MIMICS BEEPING SOUND]

#188

⇓

[REPORTERS CHATTER]

#189

⇓

Oh, great.

#190

⇓

I'll try to head them off.

#191

⇓

Ace, get out of the tank.

#192

⇓

[AS SCOTTY] I just can't do it, captain.

#193

⇓

I don't have the power.

#194

⇓

ROGER: People.

#195

⇓

I said, get out of the tank now.

#196

⇓

[AS BONES] For God's sake, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man.

#197

⇓

WOMAN: Where's Snowflake?

#198

⇓

Snowflake is not available right now.

#199

⇓

Roger, I've been waiting all day. I got to get a shot of his new trick.

#200

⇓

What, is he sick?

#201

⇓

[CHATTERING]

#202

⇓

ROGER: People, people.

#203

⇓

Hmm.

#204

⇓

[TIRES SQUEALING]

#205

⇓

MAN: Lassie must be missing.

#206

⇓

Hey, Ventura. Ventura.

#207

⇓

Make any good collars lately?

#208

⇓

Or were they leashes?

#209

⇓

[ALL LAUGHING]

#210

⇓

[MOCK LAUGHING]

#211

⇓

Uh-oh.

#212

⇓

Homicide, Ventura.

#213

⇓

How are you gonna solve that one?

#214

⇓

[ALL LAUGHING]

#215

⇓

Good question, Aguado.

#216

⇓

First, I'd establish a motive.

#217

⇓

The killer saw the size of the bug's dick and became insanely jealous.

#218

⇓

OFFICERS: Ooh.

#219

⇓

Then I'd lose 30 pounds porking his wife.

#220

⇓

Come on.

#221

⇓

Now, kiss and make up.

#222

⇓

Excuse me.

#223

⇓

I'd like to ass you a few questions.

#224

⇓

This is not the time, Ace.

#225

⇓

If Einhorn come down here and see me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.

#226

⇓

I can keep him under control. You have to tell me who's on the Snowflake case.

#227

⇓

I can't do nothing for you on that. My hands are tied.

#228

⇓

All right, that's it. Now it's my turn.

#229

⇓

Five minutes alone, that's all I need.

#230

⇓

Better look alive. Einhorn's on her way down.

#231

⇓

- Ooh, bom, ba-bom bom. - Come on, now. Ace, please.

#232

⇓

ACE: What's that matter? Afraid I'll make a stink? Huh? Come on.

#233

⇓

Aguado's working the case, all right?

#234

⇓

- Aguado. - Aguado?

#235

⇓

Good call.

#236

⇓

We're just a little busy now...

#237

⇓

...with murderers and burglaries and drug dealers. Things like that.

#238

⇓

A missing dolphin isn't exactly a high priority.

#239

⇓

[GRUMBLING]

#240

⇓

Now you've pissed him off.

#241

⇓

- Would you give me a break? - l can't hold him much longer.

#242

⇓

My boss is coming.

#243

⇓

Okay, look.

#244

⇓

We ran a check with local animal-rights groups.

#245

⇓

We checked out the taxidermists and we already checked on van rentals.

#246

⇓

So far, nothing, nathin', nada. All right?

#247

⇓

Any unusual bets being made?

#248

⇓

Of course. This is Super Bowl.

#249

⇓

- What'd you find out about the tank? - Nothing.

#250

⇓

Tire tracks, an escape route. A guard didn't see anything.

#251

⇓

- That's it? - I swear.

#252

⇓

Now will you please get out of here before I get in trouble?

#253

⇓

ACE: Thank you for your cooperation.

#254

⇓

By the way, do you have a mint?

#255

⇓

Perhaps some Binaca?

#256

⇓

[ACE COUGHS]

#257

⇓

[SINGING] Assholomio

#258

⇓

Osadomia

#259

⇓

Holy testicle Tuesday.

#260

⇓

What the hell is he doing here?

#261

⇓

ACE: I came to confess.

#262

⇓

I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

#263

⇓

Spare me the routine. I know you're working the Snowflake case.

#264

⇓

May I suggest you yield to the experts on this one?

#265

⇓

We'll find the porpoise.

#266

⇓

Phew.

#267

⇓

Now I feel better.

#268

⇓

Of course, that might not do any good.

#269

⇓

Nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken.

#270

⇓

The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout...

#271

⇓

...while the bottle-nosed dolphin, or Tursiops truncatus...

#272

⇓

...has an elongated beak, cone-shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage.

#273

⇓

But I'm sure you already knew that.

#274

⇓

That's what turns me on about you.

#275

⇓

Your attention to detail.

#276

⇓

Listen, pet dick...

#277

⇓

...how would you like me to make your life a living hell?

#278

⇓

Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois.

#279

⇓

But thank you for asking.

#280

⇓

Maybe [I'll give you a call sometime.

#281

⇓

Your number still 9117?

#282

⇓

Alrighty, then.

#283

⇓

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

#284

⇓

[BAND PLAYING HEAVY METAL MUSIC]

#285

⇓

[GROWLING]

#286

⇓

Excuse me. Is Greg here?

#287

⇓

Thank you.

#288

⇓

WOODSTOCK: What's the password?

#289

⇓

New England clam chowder.

#290

⇓

WOODSTOCK: Is that the red or the white?

#291

⇓

I can never remember that.

#292

⇓

White?

#293

⇓

Hey, Woodstock.

#294

⇓

Hey, Saint Francis, how's it going?

#295

⇓

Super, thanks for asking. I hope you're having a lovely day.

#296

⇓

Do you?

#297

⇓

Don't I?

#298

⇓

So what are you up to?

#299

⇓

Just watching the fishies.

#300

⇓

You see those blips? That's a Norwegian whaling fleet.

#301

⇓

I'm sending them new directional coordinates.

#302

⇓

They'll find Jimmy Hoffa...

#303

⇓

...before they find any whales.

#304

⇓

Ha, ha. Gravy. So can you still tap into the aquatic supply stores in the area?

#305

⇓

Of course I can. Why?

#306

⇓

I wanna trace the sale of equipment...

#307

⇓

...for transporting or housing a dolphin recently.

#308

⇓

Come on, I thought you had a challenge for me.

#309

⇓

All right, we got marine winch, sling, feeder fish, 20,000-gallon tank--

#310

⇓

Wait a minute. Look here.

#311

⇓

That's a lot of equipment for a civilian.

#312

⇓

Ronald Camp? The billionaire?

#313

⇓

Billionaire and rare-fish collector.

#314

⇓

Really?

#315

⇓

That is the face of the enemy.

#316

⇓

Always trying to get his greedy hands on endangered species.

#317

⇓

ACE: Hold on.

#318

⇓

Camp is connected with the dolphins?

#319

⇓

That subgenius gave them the land the stadium's built on.

#320

⇓

And look, he's throwing another "I'm the richest man in the universe" party.

#321

⇓

Hmm.

#322

⇓

Looks like it's time for me to get myself a date.

#323

⇓

[BAND PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

#324

⇓

I'm really going out on a limb here. His social events are strictly A list.

#325

⇓

The date started good, Chuck, but before we got to the party, she tensed up.

#326

⇓

If you do anything to embarrass me....

#327

⇓

What? Like this?

#328

⇓

[MAKING INDISTINCT SOUNDS]

#329

⇓

Ow. Hi, Captain Stubing.

#330

⇓

How are Gopher and Doc?

#331

⇓

Permission to come aboard, sir.

#332

⇓

Woof.

#333

⇓

I'm sorry, ladies.

#334

⇓

Melissa.

#335

⇓

- Hi, Ron. - Glad you could make it.

#336

⇓

Thank you.

#337

⇓

You look wonderful.

#338

⇓

Oh, thanks.

#339

⇓

And who is he, a friend?

#340

⇓

No, this is-- This is my date.

#341

⇓

He's a lawyer.

#342

⇓

Does he have a name, or should I call him "Lawyer"?

#343

⇓

Ha, ha. Hoo. Ha, ha.

#344

⇓

I'm sorry. This is Ace V--

#345

⇓

- Um, Tom Ace. - Tom Ace.

#346

⇓

Pleasure to meet you.

#347

⇓

Congratulations on all your success.

#348

⇓

You smell terrific.

#349

⇓

One of the first lessons we learned...

#350

⇓

...back at...

#351

⇓

...Stanford was the growth of food-poisoning claims against wealthy people.

#352

⇓

One could make quite a lucrative law practice...

#353

⇓

...with little else.

#354

⇓

[LAUGHING]

#355

⇓

How is everybody feeling tonight?

#356

⇓

Very, very well, thank you.

#357

⇓

Look, honey...

#358

⇓

...there's the hors d'oeuvres.

#359

⇓

Excuse me.

#360

⇓

Are you insane? There is no way that Camp stole Snowflake.

#361

⇓

What are you trying to do?

#362

⇓

Will you keep him occupied while I work my magic, please?

#363

⇓

Smooshy, isn't it?

#364

⇓

We got a few cases from my new dealer in Paris.

#365

⇓

Excuse me, Ron...

#366

⇓

...I, uh, need to use the bathroom.

#367

⇓

[WHISPERING] I think it's the paté.

#368

⇓

Sure, it's over there.

#369

⇓

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Thanks. Ha, ha. Stuff probably looks better on the way out.

#370

⇓

Oh, God.

#371

⇓

He wasn't feeling well earlier today.

#372

⇓

Gravy.

#373

⇓

Don't worry, Snowflake.

#374

⇓

Ace Ventura's here.

#375

⇓

Yummy.

#376

⇓

Snowflake.

#377

⇓

Here, Snowflake.

#378

⇓

I've got a snack for you.

#379

⇓

[WHISTLES]

#380

⇓

[YELLING]

#381

⇓

CAMP: They're wonderful, aren't they?

#382

⇓

Yes, they certainly are.

#383

⇓

No matter what's going on in my life...

#384

⇓

...I can always watch them swim...

#385

⇓

...and be totally at peace.

#386

⇓

It's not Snowflake.

#387

⇓

It's not Snowflake.

#388

⇓

It's not Snowflake.

#389

⇓

[SHOUTING AND COUGHING]

#390

⇓

Are you sure your date is all right?

#391

⇓

It's been an awfully long time.

#392

⇓

Who, Tom?

#393

⇓

Well, I'm sure he's fine.

#394

⇓

Do not go in there.

#395

⇓

Whoo!

#396

⇓

I'm sorry. I'll have the plumbing checked immediately.

#397

⇓

Do that. If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed.

#398

⇓

I'm sorry again, Mr. Ace.

#399

⇓

What're you doing?

#400

⇓

I'm sorry, Ron.

#401

⇓

CAMP: What's he doing?

#402

⇓

Let's go.

#403

⇓

[RING JINGLES]

#404

⇓

MELISSA: Stop it.

#405

⇓

I don't even wanna know why your pants are missing.

#406

⇓

You could've cost me my job.

#407

⇓

So you found a pebble in Snowflake's tank. I'll call CNN.

#408

⇓

I found it in the filter, thank you.

#409

⇓

And it's not a pebble, it's a rare, triangular cut orange amber.

#410

⇓

What're you talking about?

#411

⇓

Tonight I saw the same stone in Camp's ring.

#412

⇓

I thought you said Camp didn't do it.

#413

⇓

No, his ring wasn't missing a stone.

#414

⇓

But whoever was in that tank had a ring just like his.

#415

⇓

Ring? What ring?

#416

⇓

The 1984 Dolphin AFC championship ring.

#417

⇓

I find the ring with a missing stone, I find Snowflake.

#418

⇓

How you gonna do that?

#419

⇓

Simple.

#420

⇓

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

#421

⇓

Loser. Why don't you learn how to drive, pal?

#422

⇓

You wanna play?

#423

⇓

Whoo, whoo!

#424

⇓

Damn it.

#425

⇓

[GRUNTS]

#426

⇓

[SHOUTING]

#427

⇓

[PANTS ZIP]

#428

⇓

That stone could've come from anywhere.

#429

⇓

It could've come from...

#430

⇓

...a necklace or a pendant, an earring.

#431

⇓

It came from an '84 AFC championship ring.

#432

⇓

Einhorn thinks it may have been an animal-rights group. You know FAN?

#433

⇓

Free Animals Now, started by Chelsea, daughter of industrialist Fisher Gamble?

#434

⇓

Over half a million members worldwide?

#435

⇓

No. Who are they?

#436

⇓

Did you know...

#437

⇓

...they sent letters to college teams demanding the release of their mascots?

#438

⇓

What do you feed your dog?

#439

⇓

Dog food. Why?

#440

⇓

He is miserable.

#441

⇓

What are you talking about?

#442

⇓

He's very unhappy. I feel sorry for him. Bad diet, isolated environment.

#443

⇓

It's amazing he's still alive.

#444

⇓

You're just mad because your stupid pebble theory didn't work out.

#445

⇓

You can't express anger.

#446

⇓

Yeah? And you're ugly.

#447

⇓

I'm not even gonna talk to you. Would you please leave?

#448

⇓

Why? So you can beat him?

#449

⇓

Fatty.

#450

⇓

Heh. You're unbelievable.

#451

⇓

[PHONE RINGING]

#452

⇓

Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made.

#453

⇓

Well, why don't you cry about it, saddlebags?

#454

⇓

You like her, huh?

#455

⇓

Yeah, she's all right.

#456

⇓

Melissa.

#457

⇓

Look, Melissa, I, uh....

#458

⇓

WOMAN: I'm here at the North Beach Towers condo complex in north Miami...

#459

⇓

...where Roger Podacter, head of operations for the Miami Dolphins...

#460

⇓

...has apparently committed suicide...

#461

⇓

...allegedly leaping to his death from his 20th-story balcony...

#462

⇓

Lieutenant Einhorn of the Miami Police Department has yet to comment.

#463

⇓

You okay?

#464

⇓

WOMAN: I told you. I was in my apartment...

#465

⇓

- ...across the hall. MAN 1: Yes, ma'am.

#466

⇓

- I heard a scream... - Uh-huh.

#467

⇓

...S0 I called the manager.

#468

⇓

MAN 2: The place was empty, except for the dog.

#469

⇓

I opened the balcony door and looked out...

#470

⇓

...Splat, bang, pancake time.

#471

⇓

MAN 3: Okay, thank you very much.

#472

⇓

I'm gonna leave one of my cards. If you remember anything else, give me a call.

#473

⇓

Hi there, fella.

#474

⇓

Have a bad night?

#475

⇓

[WHIMPERING]

#476

⇓

[BARKING]

#477

⇓

So...

#478

⇓

...animals can sense evil.

#479

⇓

Who let Dr. Doolittle in?

#480

⇓

Lieutenant, he came with Miss Robinson.

#481

⇓

This is police business. We'll let you know if the coroner finds a tick.

#482

⇓

[ALL LAUGHING THEN ACE MOCK LAUGHING]

#483

⇓

EMILIO: Face it-- - E, forget it. She's right.

#484

⇓

Besides...

#485

⇓

...I wouldn't want someone tracing my steps, pointing out my mistakes.

#486

⇓

EINHORN: So...

#487

⇓

...you don't think this is an obvious suicide, Mr. Pet-Detective?

#488

⇓

I wouldn't say that. There's plenty of evidence here to support your theory.

#489

⇓

Except, of course, for that spot of blood on the railing.

#490

⇓

May I tell you what I think happened?

#491

⇓

Alrighty, then.

#492

⇓

Roger Podacter went out after work, had a few drinks, then came home.

#493

⇓

He wasn't alone. Someone else was with him. There was a struggle...

#494

⇓

...and he was thrown over that balcony.

#495

⇓

Roger Podacter didn't commit suicide.

#496

⇓

He was murdered.

#497

⇓

That's a very entertaining story...

#498

⇓

...but real detectives have to worry about that little thing called...

#499

⇓

...evidence.

#500

⇓

Uh-oh. I think I heard a toilet flush.

#501

⇓

Maybe somebody lost a turtle.

#502

⇓

[ALL LAUGHING]

#503

⇓

Well, I....

#504

⇓

I guess I'm out of my league here.

#505

⇓

Einhorn....

#506

⇓

Good work.

#507

⇓

OFFICERS: Ooh. Ow.

#508

⇓

Oh, there is just one more thing, lieutenant.

#509

⇓

This woman is Roger Podacter's neighbor.

#510

⇓

- She said she heard a scream. Right? - Right.

#511

⇓

And you had to open the balcony door when you came in?

#512

⇓

- That's true. - You're sure you had to open this door?

#513

⇓

MAN 2: I'm certain.

#514

⇓

What's the point, Ventura?

#515

⇓

Only this.

#516

⇓

[SINGING]

#517

⇓

This is double-paned, soundproof glass. There is no way...

#518

⇓

...she could have heard Podacter scream on the way down.

#519

⇓

The scream she heard came from inside...

#520

⇓

...before he was thrown off the balcony. The murderer closed the door upon going.

#521

⇓

Yes. Oh, yeah.

#522

⇓

Can you feel that, buddy?

#523

⇓

Huh, huh, huh?

#524

⇓

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] I have exorcized the demons.

#525

⇓

This house is clear.

#526

⇓

- Losers. EINHORN: Get him out of here!

#527

⇓

- Losers. Losers. - Let's go, Ace.

#528

⇓

Losers.

#529

⇓

AGUADO: Come on.

#530

⇓

Back to the zoo.

#531

⇓

MELISSA: What are you thinking?

#532

⇓

This whole thing is connected, somehow.

#533

⇓

I want to find that other ring.

#534

⇓

MELISSA: Ace, you checked all the rings.

#535

⇓

ACE: Receipts? What about receipts?

#536

⇓

There's gotta be receipts.

#537

⇓

That was pretty impressive, what you did at the apartment.

#538

⇓

You don't have to tell me.

#539

⇓

I was there.

#540

⇓

Maybe you should've joined the police force, become a real detective.

#541

⇓

I don't do humans.

#542

⇓

You really love animals.

#543

⇓

If it gets cold enough.

#544

⇓

[CHUCKLES]

#545

⇓

No, I have a kinship with them.

#546

⇓

I, uh, understand them.

#547

⇓

Wanna hear something spooky?

#548

⇓

Sure.

#549

⇓

One time when I was about 12, I had a dream that I was being followed by...

#550

⇓

...a big dog with rabies.

#551

⇓

He had these bloodshot eyes...

#552

⇓

...and foam came out of his mouth.

#553

⇓

No matter how fast I ran, he just kept gaining on me and gaining on me.

#554

⇓

Then just before I got to my front door...

#555

⇓

...he jumped and sank his teeth in.

#556

⇓

That's when I woke up...

#557

⇓

...and felt the back of my neck. Check that out.

#558

⇓

[ACE BARKS AND MELISSA SCREAMS]

#559

⇓

Bastard.

#560

⇓

I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself.

#561

⇓

Want to know why I do this?

#562

⇓

I'm not sure anymore.

#563

⇓

You better be sure...

#564

⇓

...because once you get inside my head...

#565

⇓

...there's no turning back.

#566

⇓

[CHUCKLES]

#567

⇓

So, um, ahem....

#568

⇓

Are these all? There's only a dozen.

#569

⇓

Maybe it's in another file, in the back.

#570

⇓

Who the hell is that?

#571

⇓

What?

#572

⇓

ACE: That.

#573

⇓

Who the hell is that?

#574

⇓

That's Ray Finkle, the kicker. Don't you know who he is?

#575

⇓

No.

#576

⇓

Why isn't he in this picture?

#577

⇓

This was taken earlier in the year. Ray Finkle wasn't added till mid-season.

#578

⇓

He missed the final field goal in the Super Bowl that year.

#579

⇓

Cost the Dolphins the game.

#580

⇓

But he got himself a ring, didn't he?

#581

⇓

Definitely.

#582

⇓

"Replacement kicker having a great year."

#583

⇓

"Ready for Super Bowl, all-star kicker boasts."

#584

⇓

"Field goal sails wide, Dolphins lose Super Bowl."

#585

⇓

"The kick heard 'round the world."

#586

⇓

That was Finkle. The Dolphins lost by one point.

#587

⇓

Poor guy.

#588

⇓

Poor guy with a motive, baby.

#589

⇓

Where is he now?

#590

⇓

I heard he went back to his hometown in Collier County.

#591

⇓

Really?

#592

⇓

You're gonna drop me off before you go?

#593

⇓

No way. You shouldn't be left alone right now.

#594

⇓

It might not be safe at your apartment.

#595

⇓

What do you suggest?

#596

⇓

[MELISSA MOANING]

#597

⇓

Oh, my God.

#598

⇓

Oh, my God.

#599

⇓

Three times?

#600

⇓

I'm sorry, that's never happened to me before.

#601

⇓

I must be tired.

#602

⇓

Okay, I'm ready again.

#603

⇓

Hi. I'm looking for Ray Finkle...

#604

⇓

...and a clean pair of shorts.

#605

⇓

What do you know about Ray Finkle?

#606

⇓

Soccer-style kicker. Graduated from Collier High, 1976.

#607

⇓

Stetson University honors graduate, 1980. Holds two NCAA records.

#608

⇓

Most points and distance.

#609

⇓

Nickname, "The Mule." The only pro athlete from here.

#610

⇓

And one hell of a model American.

#611

⇓

Are you another one of them Hard Copy guys?

#612

⇓

No, sir.

#613

⇓

I'm just a big Finkle fan.

#614

⇓

This is my Graceland, sir.

#615

⇓

Will you put that gun down?

#616

⇓

The boy is a fan of our son.

#617

⇓

So nice to meet you.

#618

⇓

I'm Ray's mother...

#619

⇓

...and this is Ray's father.

#620

⇓

It's a real honor.

#621

⇓

WOMAN: It's an honor to have you here.

#622

⇓

My Ray is so appreciative of his fans.

#623

⇓

He'll be so pleased you stopped by.

#624

⇓

Are you expecting Ray anytime soon?

#625

⇓

- Oh, yes. I expect him home any minute. - Ah.

#626

⇓

Would you like some cookies? I just baked them.

#627

⇓

Yummy.

#628

⇓

Wow.

#629

⇓

Ray Finkle's house.

#630

⇓

I can't wait to meet him.

#631

⇓

Ray ain't coming home.

#632

⇓

But your wife expects him any minute.

#633

⇓

She expects him home any minute.

#634

⇓

See, the engine's running but, uh, there's nobody behind the wheel.

#635

⇓

Eight years ago...

#636

⇓

...our son escaped from Shady Acres Mental Hospital.

#637

⇓

And they're still bugging us to pick up his stuff.

#638

⇓

It was all that Dan Marino's fault. Everyone knows that.

#639

⇓

If he'd held the ball, laces out, like he's supposed to...

#640

⇓

...Ray wouldn't have missed the kick.

#641

⇓

Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.

#642

⇓

Would you like a cookie, son?

#643

⇓

Mm. What do you know?

#644

⇓

They're little footballs.

#645

⇓

Laces out.

#646

⇓

When Ray gets back and starts kicking again...

#647

⇓

...he'll never even know he was gone.

#648

⇓

I've kept his room just the way he left it.

#649

⇓

Oh, boy.

#650

⇓

What a sports nut, huh?

#651

⇓

- May 1? - Oh, yes, by all means.

#652

⇓

MAN [ON VIDEO]: Five seconds to go here in Super Bowl XVII.

#653

⇓

Dolphins trailing the 49ers...

#654

⇓

...by one. This will win the game for Miami.

#655

⇓

There's the snap.

#656

⇓

Marino holds.

#657

⇓

The kick...

#658

⇓

...and it's high. No, it's...

#659

⇓

...no good. Ray Finkle blew a 26-yard field goal.

#660

⇓

I don't believe it.

#661

⇓

The Dolphins lose.

#662

⇓

The Dolphins lose. The Dolphins lose the Super Bowl.

#663

⇓

- Melissa, it's Ace. MELISSA [OVER PHONE]: Where are you?

#664

⇓

I'm in Psychoville, and Finkle's the mayor. Where's Marino?

#665

⇓

Why?

#666

⇓

He's about to join Snowflake. I've gotta know where he is.

#667

⇓

He has a commercial shoot at the Bogart Sound Stage.

#668

⇓

Call the police. Get extra security over there. Now.

#669

⇓

Ace, what's going on?

#670

⇓

Ace. Ace.

#671

⇓

Thought I left?

#672

⇓

I'm really gonna go this time.

#673

⇓

MAN 1: Here we go, folks. Very quiet.

#674

⇓

MAN 2: Action.

#675

⇓

I'm Dan Marino, and if anyone knows the value of protection, it's me.

#676

⇓

So I take care of the hands that take care of me...

#677

⇓

...with Isotoner gloves.

#678

⇓

MAN 2: Cut. Again from the top.

#679

⇓

I said, cut.

#680

⇓

Guys, it's a cut.

#681

⇓

MAN 2: What the hell are they doing?

#682

⇓

MAN 1: That's a cut.

#683

⇓

- What is this, a rewrite? - Shut up.

#684

⇓

- Where'd they go? - Over there.

#685

⇓

Let's go.

#686

⇓

Excuse me, gentlemen.

#687

⇓

Pet detective.

#688

⇓

[GUNFIRE]

#689

⇓

Come on. What's wrong?

#690

⇓

Can't you hit me?

#691

⇓

Whew.

#692

⇓

[CAR STARTS]

#693

⇓

MAN 1: Have there been ransom demands?

#694

⇓

There's no communication with the kidnappers.

#695

⇓

Will the Super Bowl be postponed?

#696

⇓

The game is on as scheduled.

#697

⇓

Why weren't we told about the kidnapping?

#698

⇓

Secrecy was essential. We couldn't risk any interference.

#699

⇓

- Are the crimes related? - I'm sorry, I can't comment further.

#700

⇓

Now, if you'll excuse me....

#701

⇓

[CHATTERING]

#702

⇓

Get me the autopsy on Podacter.

#703

⇓

Aguado, send out a memo: No one talks to the press.

#704

⇓

And somebody get me some coffee.

#705

⇓

Tonight on Miami Vice, Crockett gets the boss a coffee.

#706

⇓

Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you'd better be gone.

#707

⇓

ACE: Is it number one or number two?

#708

⇓

I just wanna know how much time I have.

#709

⇓

Hey, uh, by the way, I went ahead and solved that...

#710

⇓

- ...pesky Snowflake-Podacter-Marino thing. - Oh, yeah?

#711

⇓

You ever heard of a former Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle?

#712

⇓

All right, Ventura...

#713

⇓

...make it quick.

#714

⇓

I found a rare stone at the bottom of Snowflake's tank.

#715

⇓

It belongs to a Dolphin '84 AFC championship ring.

#716

⇓

It would've been a Super Bowl ring, but Ray missed the kick.

#717

⇓

Blames the whole thing on Marino.

#718

⇓

We're talking paranoid, delusional psychosis. I saw the guy's room.

#719

⇓

Cozy, if you're Hannibal Lecter.

#720

⇓

So how does Roger Podacter fit in?

#721

⇓

My guess is, Finkle was snooping around. Podacter recognized him. End of story.

#722

⇓

As for Snowflake, they gave him Finkle's number, taught him how to kick a goal.

#723

⇓

Finkle took it personally.

#724

⇓

So where is Finkle now?

#725

⇓

Busted out of a mental institute. He's been plotting his revenge for years.

#726

⇓

Waiting for the perfect time to get back at them.

#727

⇓

The time when it'd hurt them most:

#728

⇓

Super Bowl time.

#729

⇓

Man, I'm tired of being right.

#730

⇓

Congratulations.

#731

⇓

You've done some fine detective work...

#732

⇓

...Ace.

#733

⇓

I'm sorry, could you speak into my good ear?

#734

⇓

I thought I heard you call me Ace.

#735

⇓

Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe you are more than just a pet dick.

#736

⇓

Your gun is digging into my hip.

#737

⇓

What's wrong?

#738

⇓

Want me to read you your rights?

#739

⇓

Maybe later.

#740

⇓

What is it?

#741

⇓

That bony little bitch...

#742

⇓

...Melissa Robinson?

#743

⇓

You just don't do anything for me.

#744

⇓

Down, boy.

#745

⇓

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

#746

⇓

Everything okay in here? I heard some commotion.

#747

⇓

Fine, sergeant.

#748

⇓

You want me to throw him out?

#749

⇓

Why don't you throw yourself out?

#750

⇓

Yes, ma'am.

#751

⇓

[DOOR CLOSES]

#752

⇓

Ace, I want you to leave everything to us.

#753

⇓

I can't do that, lieutenant. I was hired to find Snowflake.

#754

⇓

When we find Marino...

#755

⇓

...we'll deliver Snowflake.

#756

⇓

When I find Snowflake...

#757

⇓

...I'll deliver Marino.

#758

⇓

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

#759

⇓

[DOG BARKING]

#760

⇓

ACE: Melissa, it's Ace.

#761

⇓

What are you doing here? It's the middle of the night.

#762

⇓

You have to commit me.

#763

⇓

Finkle escaped from Shady Acres. They still have his stuff.

#764

⇓

MELISSA: They aren't gonna let us look around.

#765

⇓

ACE: I know.

#766

⇓

It's a good thing I'm a master of disguise.

#767

⇓

HANDLY: Mrs. Robinson...

#768

⇓

...I'm Dr. Handly.

#769

⇓

Now who is it you want us to look at?

#770

⇓

My brother...

#771

⇓

...Larry.

#772

⇓

I'm ready to go in. Just give me a chance.

#773

⇓

I know there's a lot riding on it, but it's all psychological.

#774

⇓

Just gotta stay positive.

#775

⇓

I'm gonna execute a buttonhook pattern, super slow-mo.

#776

⇓

[GROANING]

#777

⇓

Let's see that...

#778

⇓

...in an instant replay.

#779

⇓

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

#780

⇓

Your brother won't be the first football pro we've treated.

#781

⇓

- Is that right? - Yes, we're very sensitive...

#782

⇓

...to the stress athletes have to endure.

#783

⇓

I'm open. I'm open.

#784

⇓

I'm open.

#785

⇓

We'll do some preliminary evaluations...

#786

⇓

...but I think he'll fit in nicely here.

#787

⇓

ACE: Over here.

#788

⇓

351.

#789

⇓

351.

#790

⇓

Rover, sit. Hut, hut.

#791

⇓

He seems to have some difficulty letting go of the game.

#792

⇓

Has he had a history of mental illness?

#793

⇓

As long as I've known him.

#794

⇓

And, uh, this is one of our therapy rooms.

#795

⇓

And we do arts and crafts out here in the courtyard.

#796

⇓

And this is the storage room. Down the hallway we have another--

#797

⇓

[MIMICS WHISTLE]

#798

⇓

Halftime.

#799

⇓

[SINGING]

#800

⇓

He'll be fine there by himself for the next 20 minutes.

#801

⇓

- I'll show you the dormitories, then. - Great.

#802

⇓

WOMAN [ON PA]: Dr. Hire, please call the page operator.

#803

⇓

Dr. Hire, please call the page operator.

#804

⇓

[BUBBLE WRAP POPPING]

#805

⇓

Finkle.

#806

⇓

Isotoners.

#807

⇓

[WHISTLES]

#808

⇓

Obsess much?

#809

⇓

MAN 1: Where are you going?

#810

⇓

MAN 2: To clean the storage room. MAN 1: No, clean the cafeteria.

#811

⇓

MAN 2: I don't tell you how to do your job.

#812

⇓

MAN 1: The schedule says...

#813

⇓

- ...clean the cafeteria. - I know what I'm doing.

#814

⇓

MAN 1: You should've done it earlier.

#815

⇓

MAN 2: Man, come on. Cafeteria, my ass. I'm cleaning in here.

#816

⇓

MAN 1: You take breaks too long. You smoke--

#817

⇓

MAN 2: Man, you're a pain in the ass.

#818

⇓

"Search called off for missing hiker.

#819

⇓

A search ended today when rescue workers...

#820

⇓

...were unable to find the body of Lois Einhorn."

#821

⇓

A hiker missing since Friday?

#822

⇓

Lois Einhorn?

#823

⇓

Holy shitballs.

#824

⇓

EINHORN: What're you doing out here? Get back to work.

#825

⇓

MAN: Sorry, lieutenant.

#826

⇓

EMILIO: "Love, Roger"?

#827

⇓

EMILIO [ON RECORDING]: Ace, it's E.

#828

⇓

You think the article you found was something?

#829

⇓

I got a note from Roger to Einhorn...

#830

⇓

...thanking her for a wonderful evening.

#831

⇓

Something ain't stirring the Kool-Aid, man.

#832

⇓

Wiggles, rewind.

#833

⇓

What the hell does Lois Einhorn have to do with Ray Finkle?

#834

⇓

Come on, think.

#835

⇓

Finkle and Einhorn, in it together. How? Why?

#836

⇓

All right. Here we go.

#837

⇓

Answer's right there. Just gotta get blood to the brain.

#838

⇓

Finkle and Einhorn. Finkle and Einhorn.

#839

⇓

Finkle and Einhorn. Finkle and Einhorn.

#840

⇓

Einhorn and Finkle.

#841

⇓

Finkle and Einhorn.

#842

⇓

Quitter.

#843

⇓

What do you want? Huh?

#844

⇓

I don't have any food for you.

#845

⇓

I have to have money to buy food.

#846

⇓

I have to have a dolphin to get money. Do you see a dolphin here?

#847

⇓

[SIGHS]

#848

⇓

Let's face it...

#849

⇓

...your master is a loser.

#850

⇓

Loo....

#851

⇓

What the...?

#852

⇓

That's it.

#853

⇓

That's it.

#854

⇓

Einhorn is Finkle.

#855

⇓

Finkle is Einhorn.

#856

⇓

Einhorn is a man.

#857

⇓

Oh, my God.

#858

⇓

Einhorn is a man.

#859

⇓

[GROANS]

#860

⇓

[VOMITING]

#861

⇓

[GROANING AND CRYING]

#862

⇓

No! No.

#863

⇓

"Your gun is digging into my hip."

#864

⇓

God.

#865

⇓

BOB [ON TV]. And the big story in this Super Bowl game is the abduction...

#866

⇓

...of Miami's starting quarterback, Dan Marino.

#867

⇓

MAN: It's gotta be a strain on this Miami team, Bob....

#868

⇓

[SHOUTING]

#869

⇓

EINHORN: What's the matter, Dan? Aren't you having fun?

#870

⇓

I just love Super Bowl Sunday. Don't you, Dan?

#871

⇓

A magical afternoon...

#872

⇓

...where dreams are made...

#873

⇓

...and crushed.

#874

⇓

Look, if you want tickets, you're going about it the wrong way.

#875

⇓

EINHORN: Do I look familiar to you? Does it seem as if we've...

#876

⇓

...met someplace before?

#877

⇓

I don't know. I get hit in the head a lot.

#878

⇓

BOB: Now the coin toss.

#879

⇓

EINHORN: Kickoff time.

#880

⇓

My favorite thing.

#881

⇓

MAN: Bob, it looks like Philadelphia has elected to kick off.

#882

⇓

EINHORN: Laces out.

#883

⇓

MAN: With Marino out, they're gonna be putting a lot of pressure...

#884

⇓

...on this replacement quarterback.

#885

⇓

BOB: And there's the kick.

#886

⇓

This year's Super Bowl is under way.

#887

⇓

I made some refreshments, Dan.

#888

⇓

Would you like some refreshments, Dan?

#889

⇓

I'll be right back, Dan.

#890

⇓

ROC: And it was his wife. Ha, ha.

#891

⇓

I don't know how much psycho-woman's paying you, but I'll double it.

#892

⇓

Sorry. "Psycho-woman" keeps us out of prison.

#893

⇓

Snowflake, here you go. Come on.

#894

⇓

ROC: Check it out, Marino.

#895

⇓

I'm throwing passes to a dolphin.

#896

⇓

[ROC AND VINNIE LAUGHING]

#897

⇓

[SNOWFLAKE CLICKING]

#898

⇓

Damn. Go get some more fish.

#899

⇓

I'm gonna kill that dolphin.

#900

⇓

[IN DEEP VOICE] Lovely party.

#901

⇓

Pity I wasn't invited.

#902

⇓

Where the hell's the smelt?

#903

⇓

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Unconscious. Exactly as I planned.

#904

⇓

[LAUGHING]

#905

⇓

[GROWLS]

#906

⇓

Hey, Roc?

#907

⇓

What the hell was that?

#908

⇓

Shit.

#909

⇓

What happened? What's going on?

#910

⇓

- You okay? - Guess what?

#911

⇓

It's naptime.

#912

⇓

BOB: What a hit.

#913

⇓

ACE: Heads up.

#914

⇓

Hi, Dan.

#915

⇓

Who are you?

#916

⇓

Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. I've been sent with a special play:

#917

⇓

The quarterback sneak.

#918

⇓

Penalty. Too many men on the field.

#919

⇓

I warned you, Ventura.

#920

⇓

Whatever happened to "Ace"?

#921

⇓

Good question.

#922

⇓

Be careful with that phone. In time, you could develop a tumor.

#923

⇓

Aguado, it's Lieutenant Einhorn.

#924

⇓

Send some men over to the Hallandale yacht basin.

#925

⇓

I've got the kidnapper trapped in the warehouse.

#926

⇓

It's Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.

#927

⇓

DISPATCHER [OVER RADIO]: Code 11 in progress, 343 Victorville Road...

#928

⇓

...at the Hallandale basin.

#929

⇓

Officer needs backup. Suspect's name: Ace Ventura...

#930

⇓

...Should be considered armed and dangerous.

#931

⇓

It's Ace. We gotta break out of here.

#932

⇓

MELISSA: Is he in trouble?

#933

⇓

Don't worry, if there's one thing I know...

#934

⇓

...there's nothing Ace can't handle.

#935

⇓

[CRYING] Don't kill me.

#936

⇓

Please.

#937

⇓

I'll never tell anyone, I swear.

#938

⇓

- He's who you want. Kill him. - Kill him.

#939

⇓

Kill him. He held the ball, remember?

#940

⇓

Come on, look at him.

#941

⇓

- Crybaby. - Jock.

#942

⇓

- Wimp. - Musclehead.

#943

⇓

Shut up.

#944

⇓

I think I'll kill the dolphin first. I wouldn't want you to miss that.

#945

⇓

BOB: And there's the snap.

#946

⇓

The kick. And it's good.

#947

⇓

Good to see somebody who doesn't buckle under the pressure.

#948

⇓

[GUN COCKS]

#949

⇓

What would you know about pressure?

#950

⇓

Well, I have kissed a man.

#951

⇓

BOB: There's never been a more crucial kick in a Super Bowl...

#952

⇓

...than the "kick heard 'round the world."

#953

⇓

I mean, it's clear to me that it was a good hold. Finkle just booted it.

#954

⇓

The laces were in.

#955

⇓

They were in!

#956

⇓

[BOTH SHOUTING AND GRUNTING]

#957

⇓

- You like that? - Aah!

#958

⇓

You like that?

#959

⇓

And that. And that.

#960

⇓

Having a little trouble with the lady?

#961

⇓

You don't understand...

#962

⇓

...She's a--

#963

⇓

Get him, Lois. Get him.

#964

⇓

Get him.

#965

⇓

Shoot him!

#966

⇓

- Shoot him! EMILIO: Hold your fire.

#967

⇓

Don't shoot.

#968

⇓

MELISSA: Put your guns down, or this cop gets it.

#969

⇓

I mean it.

#970

⇓

EMILIO: She's not joking.

#971

⇓

He kidnapped Snowflake.

#972

⇓

He killed Roger Podacter and was about to kill Marino and me.

#973

⇓

Ho, ho, ho!

#974

⇓

Fiction can be fun.

#975

⇓

But I find the reference section much more enlightening.

#976

⇓

For instance...

#977

⇓

...if you look up...

#978

⇓

...professional football's all-time bonehead plays...

#979

⇓

...you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle...

#980

⇓

...who missed a 26-yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.

#981

⇓

You wouldn't read that Finkle was committed to a mental hospital...

#982

⇓

...only to escape, join the police...

#983

⇓

...and scheme to get even with Marino...

#984

⇓

...whom he blamed for the entire thing.

#985

⇓

What are you talking about?

#986

⇓

She's not Lois Einhorn. She's Ray Finkle. She's a man.

#987

⇓

He's lying.

#988

⇓

Shoot him!

#989

⇓

Let's just see who's lying, shall we?

#990

⇓

Would a real woman have to wear one of these?

#991

⇓

[GRUNTING]

#992

⇓

Boy, that's really on there.

#993

⇓

But tell me this:

#994

⇓

Would a real woman...

#995

⇓

...be missing these?

#996

⇓

[LAUGHING]

#997

⇓

That kind of surgery can be done over the weekend.

#998

⇓

But I doubt very much...

#999

⇓

...if he could find the time during his busy schedule...

#1000

⇓

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