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Home » Ace Ventura: Pet Detective » S01E01 — Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Season 1, Episode 1 — Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

↓

[WHISTLING]

whistling

↓

Heads up! Good defense!

defense heads

↓

Good defense!

defense

↓

Hmm!

↓

[CLANGING]

clanging

↓

Oh.

↓

[CHUCKLES]

chuckles

↓

We're going downtown.

downtown

↓

[DOG BARKING]

barking

↓

MAN: Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt.

mutt stupid

↓

What do you want?

↓

HDS, sir. How are you this afternoon? Alrighty, then. I have a package for you.

afternoon alrighty package

↓

[BROKEN GLASS]

broken broken-glass glass

↓

It sounds broken.

broken sounds

↓

Most likely. I'll bet it was something nice. This is an insurance form.

form insurance likely

↓

If you'll just sign here, here, and here...

sign

↓

...initial here, we'll get the rest of the forms to you as soon as we can.

forms initial rest

↓

That's a lovely dog you have there, sir.

lovely

↓

- Do you mind if I pet him? - I don't give a rat's ass.

mind rats

↓

Alrighty, then.

alrighty

↓

[BABBLING]

babbling

↓

Oh, brother.

brother

↓

That's fine. I can finish the rest.

finish rest

↓

You just have yourself a good day. Take care now. Bye-bye, then.

care

↓

Excuse me! HDS!

excuse

↓

HDS! Coming through!

coming

↓

Got a package, people!

package

↓

[HUMMING]

humming

↓

Get away from the door.

door

↓

What's the matter with you? I said, get!

matter

↓

[SQUEAKS]

squeaks

↓

Son of a bitch!

bitch

↓

ACE: That was a close one!

close

↓

Unfortunately...

unfortunately

↓

...in every contest, there must be a loser.

contest loser must

↓

Loser.

loser

↓

Hungry, fella?

fella hungry

↓

There you go.

↓

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

engine

↓

No problem. It gets flooded. We'll just wait a few seconds.

flooded problem seconds

↓

[MAN SHOUTING AND DOG BARKING]

barking shouting

↓

Or we can try it now.

↓

Putz!

↓

Come on!

↓

Get out! Get out!

↓

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

engine

↓

Warning: Assholes are closer than they appear!

appear assholes closer warning

↓

[GROANS]

groans

↓

Uh, you wanna give me a push while you're back there?

push

↓

Alrighty, then!

alrighty

↓

Ha, ha! It's alive!

alive

↓

It's alive!

alive

↓

[SHOUTING]

shouting

↓

[ACE BARKING THEN MAN SHOUTING]

barking shouting

↓

[BARKING]

barking

↓

[BARKING]

barking

↓

WOMAN: My little baby, come here. You missed Mommy, didn't you?

baby missed mommy woman

↓

Yes, you did. Did Daddy hurt you? I won't let him. No, I won't.

daddy hurt

↓

He can keep the big TV, but he's not gonna hurt my baby, no he's not.

baby hurt

↓

Thank you, Mr. Ventura.

ventura

↓

How can I ever repay you?

repay

↓

A reward would be good.

reward

↓

There is some damage to my car, and I had to fill it with premium.

damage fill premium

↓

Would you like for me to take your pants off instead?

pants

↓

Gee, let me think.

↓

Sure.

↓

[PANTS UNZIPPING]

pants

↓

Whoa, jeez.

jeez whoa

↓

Oh. For the love of Pete!

love pete

↓

People are real friendly around here. Whoa!

friendly real real-friendly whoa

↓

[DOLPHIN CLICKING]

clicking dolphin

↓

HOST [ON TV]: And now, let's meet our contestants.

contestants host meet

↓

First...

↓

SHICKADANCE: Ventura!

ventura

↓

Yes, Satan?

satan

↓

I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else.

sounded

↓

Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura.

mind ventura

↓

[COUGHS]

coughs

↓

You owe me rent.

rent

↓

Mr. Shickadance, I told you, you're my first priority.

priority

↓

I'm on a very big case right now. Check this out.

case check

↓

Look at that. That's a true albino pigeon.

albino pigeon

↓

Some rich guy lost it. He's offering a $25,000 reward.

lost offering reward rich

↓

As soon as I find this bird...

bird

↓

...you're paid.

paid

↓

I heard animals in there.

animals heard

↓

I heard them again this morning, scratching around.

heard morning scratching

↓

I never bring my work home with me.

bring home

↓

Oh, yeah?

↓

What's all this pet food for?

food

↓

Fiber.

fiber

↓

Wanna take a look inside? Come on!

↓

Come on!

↓

Go ahead. Snoop around!

ahead go-ahead snoop

↓

[SNIFFING]

sniffing

↓

Well?

↓

Are you satisfied?

satisfied

↓

Just don't let me catch you with an animal in here. That's all.

animal catch

↓

All right.

↓

Take care, now. Bye-bye, then.

care

↓

Loser!

loser

↓

[WHISTLES]

whistles

↓

Come to me, jungle friends.

friends jungle

↓

[SINGING]

singing

↓

RIDDLE: Roger, let me ask you one question.

question riddle roger

↓

How in hell do you lose a 500-pound fish?

fish lose pound

↓

What?

↓

I'm sorry, I was just going to say...

↓

...that it's not a fish. It's a mammal.

fish mammal

↓

Thank you, Miss Jacques Cousteau.

miss

↓

Don, she didn't mean anything by that.

↓

RIDDLE: I don't give a good goddamn about that fish!

fish goddamn riddle

↓

Fillet it and fast-food it if you want to!

fast fast-food food

↓

All I give a damn about is winning the Super Bowl!

bowl super super-bowl winning

↓

My athletes have got to have their heads in the right place.

athletes heads place

↓

Shit, Roger. You've been in this business a long time.

business roger

↓

You know how superstitious these players are.

players

↓

I have a quarterback that's put his socks on backwards since high school.

backwards quarterback school socks

↓

I've got a linebacker that hasn't washed his jockey strap in two years...

jockey strap washed years

↓

...because he thinks flies are lucky.

flies lucky thinks

↓

I want that fish on that field Super Bowl Sunday.

bowl field fish sunday super super-bowl

↓

Find the fish...

fish

↓

...or find new jobs!

jobs

↓

Why did it happen now, two weeks before the Super Bowl?

bowl happen super super-bowl weeks

↓

I'll tell you, it's those animal-rights activists!

animal animal-rights rights

↓

Always out with their signs:

signs

↓

"Animals were born free. Stop torturing Snowflake."

animals born free snowflake torturing

↓

That fish lives better than they do.

fish lives

↓

The police are checking into the animal- rights groups. Have they called back?

animal animal-rights called checking groups police rights

↓

No, but I wanted to tell you, when I lost my Cuddles...

lost wanted

↓

...I hired a pet detective.

detective hired

↓

A what?

↓

A pet detective.

detective

↓

Thanks, Martha, but we better leave this to professionals.

martha professionals thanks

↓

Well, actually, he was quite good.

↓

Pet detection is a very involved, highly scientific process.

highly involved process scientific

↓

[MIMICKING PIGEON]

mimicking pigeon

↓

[ACE YELLS]

yells

↓

[PAGER BEEPING]

beeping pager

↓

Like a glove.

glove

↓

Uh, Mr. Ventura here to see you.

ventura

↓

Thanks, Martha.

martha thanks

↓

Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson.

melissa robinson

↓

Pleasure to meet you.

meet pleasure

↓

Any trouble getting in?

trouble

↓

No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle.

gentle glove rubber surprisingly

↓

- Uh, security's tight Super Bowl! week. - Ah.

bowl securitys super super-bowl tight week

↓

Why don't you have a seat? I'll get right to the point.

point seat

↓

Our mascot was stolen from his tank last night. Are you familiar with Snowflake?

familiar mascot night snowflake stolen tank

↓

Negative.

negative

↓

We got him from Miami. He's a rare bottle-nosed dolphin.

bottle dolphin miami nosed rare

↓

This is a new trick he was going to do for the halftime show.

halftime trick

↓

TRAINER [ON TV]: Let's go. Blue 42, blue 42.

blue trainer

↓

Hut, hut.

↓

All right.

↓

Come on, let's go.

↓

Good boy.

↓

Would you like an ashtray?

↓

I don't smoke.

smoke

↓

It's a disgusting habit.

disgusting habit

↓

MELISSA: The police came today.

melissa police today

↓

Apparently, the kidnappers came in through the back with a--

apparently

↓

Four-wheel-drive van, loaded from the rear.

drive four loaded rear wheel

↓

- Ugh. - Roger, how you holding up?

holding roger

↓

ROGER: If I'm walking funny it's because I got two dozen reporters up my ass.

dozen funny reporters roger walking

↓

They've been asking me about Snowflake all morning.

asking morning snowflake

↓

Who's he?

↓

Roger Podacter, meet Ace Ventura.

meet podacter roger roger-podacter ventura

↓

He's our pet detective.

detective

↓

Nice to meet you. You came very highly recommended by Martha Mertz.

highly martha meet recommended

↓

Martha Mertz?

martha

↓

Oh, yeah, the bitch.

bitch

↓

What?

↓

Pekingese, lost in Highland Park area. She was half-dead when I found her.

area dead found half lost park

↓

Is that the tank?

tank

↓

Excuse me.

excuse

↓

- Cops drain it? - Yes, this morning.

cops drain morning

↓

If I'm not back in five minutes...

five five-minutes minutes

↓

...just wait longer.

longer

↓

[MIMICS BEEPING SOUND]

beeping mimics sound

↓

[AS CAPTAIN KIRK] Captain's log, stardate 23.9...

captain captains kirk

↓

...rounded off to the nearest decimal point.

nearest point rounded

↓

We've traveled back in time to save an ancient species from annihilation.

ancient save species traveled

↓

So far...

↓

...no signs of aquatic life, but I am going to find it.

aquatic life signs

↓

If I have to tear another black hole, I'm going to find it.

another another-black black hole tear

↓

I've got to, mister.

mister

↓

[MIMICS BEEPING SOUND]

beeping mimics sound

↓

[REPORTERS CHATTER]

chatter reporters

↓

Oh, great.

↓

I'll try to head them off.

head

↓

Ace, get out of the tank.

tank

↓

[AS SCOTTY] I just can't do it, captain.

captain scotty

↓

I don't have the power.

power

↓

ROGER: People.

roger

↓

I said, get out of the tank now.

tank

↓

[AS BONES] For God's sake, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man.

bones doctor gods gods-sake pool sake

↓

WOMAN: Where's Snowflake?

snowflake woman

↓

Snowflake is not available right now.

available snowflake

↓

Roger, I've been waiting all day. I got to get a shot of his new trick.

roger shot trick waiting

↓

What, is he sick?

sick

↓

[CHATTERING]

chattering

↓

ROGER: People, people.

roger

↓

Hmm.

↓

[TIRES SQUEALING]

squealing tires tires-squealing

↓

MAN: Lassie must be missing.

missing must

↓

Hey, Ventura. Ventura.

ventura

↓

Make any good collars lately?

collars lately

↓

Or were they leashes?

↓

[ALL LAUGHING]

laughing

↓

[MOCK LAUGHING]

laughing mock

↓

Uh-oh.

↓

Homicide, Ventura.

ventura

↓

How are you gonna solve that one?

solve

↓

[ALL LAUGHING]

laughing

↓

Good question, Aguado.

aguado question

↓

First, I'd establish a motive.

establish motive

↓

The killer saw the size of the bug's dick and became insanely jealous.

became bugs dick insanely jealous killer size

↓

OFFICERS: Ooh.

officers

↓

Then I'd lose 30 pounds porking his wife.

lose pounds wife

↓

Come on.

↓

Now, kiss and make up.

kiss

↓

Excuse me.

excuse

↓

I'd like to ass you a few questions.

questions

↓

This is not the time, Ace.

↓

If Einhorn come down here and see me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.

einhorn history

↓

I can keep him under control. You have to tell me who's on the Snowflake case.

case control snowflake

↓

I can't do nothing for you on that. My hands are tied.

hands tied

↓

All right, that's it. Now it's my turn.

↓

Five minutes alone, that's all I need.

alone five five-minutes minutes minutes-alone

↓

Better look alive. Einhorn's on her way down.

alive

↓

- Ooh, bom, ba-bom bom. - Come on, now. Ace, please.

↓

ACE: What's that matter? Afraid I'll make a stink? Huh? Come on.

afraid matter stink

↓

Aguado's working the case, all right?

case working

↓

- Aguado. - Aguado?

aguado

↓

Good call.

↓

We're just a little busy now...

busy

↓

...with murderers and burglaries and drug dealers. Things like that.

dealers drug drug-dealers murderers

↓

A missing dolphin isn't exactly a high priority.

dolphin missing priority

↓

[GRUMBLING]

grumbling

↓

Now you've pissed him off.

pissed

↓

- Would you give me a break? - l can't hold him much longer.

break longer

↓

My boss is coming.

boss coming

↓

Okay, look.

↓

We ran a check with local animal-rights groups.

animal animal-rights check groups local rights

↓

We checked out the taxidermists and we already checked on van rentals.

checked

↓

So far, nothing, nathin', nada. All right?

nada

↓

Any unusual bets being made?

bets unusual

↓

Of course. This is Super Bowl.

bowl course super super-bowl

↓

- What'd you find out about the tank? - Nothing.

tank whatd

↓

Tire tracks, an escape route. A guard didn't see anything.

escape guard route tire tracks

↓

- That's it? - I swear.

swear

↓

Now will you please get out of here before I get in trouble?

trouble

↓

ACE: Thank you for your cooperation.

cooperation

↓

By the way, do you have a mint?

mint

↓

Perhaps some Binaca?

perhaps

↓

[ACE COUGHS]

coughs

↓

[SINGING] Assholomio

singing

↓

Osadomia

↓

Holy testicle Tuesday.

holy testicle tuesday

↓

What the hell is he doing here?

↓

ACE: I came to confess.

confess

↓

I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

second

↓

Spare me the routine. I know you're working the Snowflake case.

case routine snowflake spare working

↓

May I suggest you yield to the experts on this one?

experts suggest yield

↓

We'll find the porpoise.

porpoise

↓

Phew.

phew

↓

Now I feel better.

↓

Of course, that might not do any good.

course might

↓

Nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken.

dolphin missing nobodys porpoise taken

↓

The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout...

common harbor porpoise snout

↓

...while the bottle-nosed dolphin, or Tursiops truncatus...

bottle dolphin nosed

↓

...has an elongated beak, cone-shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage.

beak cone shaped teeth

↓

But I'm sure you already knew that.

↓

That's what turns me on about you.

turns

↓

Your attention to detail.

attention detail

↓

Listen, pet dick...

dick

↓

...how would you like me to make your life a living hell?

life living

↓

Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois.

lois ready relationship

↓

But thank you for asking.

asking

↓

Maybe [I'll give you a call sometime.

sometime

↓

Your number still 9117?

number

↓

Alrighty, then.

alrighty

↓

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

blows blows-raspberry raspberry

↓

[BAND PLAYING HEAVY METAL MUSIC]

band band-playing heavy metal music playing

↓

[GROWLING]

growling

↓

Excuse me. Is Greg here?

excuse greg

↓

Thank you.

↓

WOODSTOCK: What's the password?

password woodstock

↓

New England clam chowder.

chowder clam england

↓

WOODSTOCK: Is that the red or the white?

white woodstock

↓

I can never remember that.

remember

↓

White?

white

↓

Hey, Woodstock.

woodstock

↓

Hey, Saint Francis, how's it going?

francis saint

↓

Super, thanks for asking. I hope you're having a lovely day.

asking having hope lovely super thanks

↓

Do you?

↓

Don't I?

↓

So what are you up to?

↓

Just watching the fishies.

watching

↓

You see those blips? That's a Norwegian whaling fleet.

fleet

↓

I'm sending them new directional coordinates.

sending

↓

They'll find Jimmy Hoffa...

jimmy

↓

...before they find any whales.

whales

↓

Ha, ha. Gravy. So can you still tap into the aquatic supply stores in the area?

aquatic area gravy stores supply

↓

Of course I can. Why?

course

↓

I wanna trace the sale of equipment...

equipment sale trace

↓

...for transporting or housing a dolphin recently.

dolphin housing recently

↓

Come on, I thought you had a challenge for me.

challenge

↓

All right, we got marine winch, sling, feeder fish, 20,000-gallon tank--

feeder fish gallon marine sling tank

↓

Wait a minute. Look here.

minute

↓

That's a lot of equipment for a civilian.

civilian equipment

↓

Ronald Camp? The billionaire?

billionaire camp ronald

↓

Billionaire and rare-fish collector.

billionaire fish rare

↓

Really?

↓

That is the face of the enemy.

enemy face

↓

Always trying to get his greedy hands on endangered species.

endangered greedy hands species

↓

ACE: Hold on.

↓

Camp is connected with the dolphins?

camp connected dolphins

↓

That subgenius gave them the land the stadium's built on.

built land

↓

And look, he's throwing another "I'm the richest man in the universe" party.

another party throwing universe

↓

Hmm.

↓

Looks like it's time for me to get myself a date.

date

↓

[BAND PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

band band-playing classical classical-music music playing

↓

I'm really going out on a limb here. His social events are strictly A list.

events limb list social strictly

↓

The date started good, Chuck, but before we got to the party, she tensed up.

chuck date party started

↓

If you do anything to embarrass me....

embarrass

↓

What? Like this?

↓

[MAKING INDISTINCT SOUNDS]

indistinct sounds

↓

Ow. Hi, Captain Stubing.

captain

↓

How are Gopher and Doc?

↓

Permission to come aboard, sir.

aboard permission

↓

Woof.

woof

↓

I'm sorry, ladies.

ladies

↓

Melissa.

melissa

↓

- Hi, Ron. - Glad you could make it.

glad

↓

Thank you.

↓

You look wonderful.

↓

Oh, thanks.

thanks

↓

And who is he, a friend?

friend

↓

No, this is-- This is my date.

date

↓

He's a lawyer.

lawyer

↓

Does he have a name, or should I call him "Lawyer"?

lawyer name

↓

Ha, ha. Hoo. Ha, ha.

↓

I'm sorry. This is Ace V--

↓

- Um, Tom Ace. - Tom Ace.

↓

Pleasure to meet you.

meet pleasure

↓

Congratulations on all your success.

congratulations success

↓

You smell terrific.

smell terrific

↓

One of the first lessons we learned...

learned lessons

↓

...back at...

↓

...Stanford was the growth of food-poisoning claims against wealthy people.

claims food growth poisoning stanford wealthy

↓

One could make quite a lucrative law practice...

lucrative practice

↓

...with little else.

↓

[LAUGHING]

laughing

↓

How is everybody feeling tonight?

everybody feeling tonight

↓

Very, very well, thank you.

↓

Look, honey...

honey

↓

...there's the hors d'oeuvres.

doeuvres hors hors-doeuvres

↓

Excuse me.

excuse

↓

Are you insane? There is no way that Camp stole Snowflake.

camp insane snowflake stole

↓

What are you trying to do?

↓

Will you keep him occupied while I work my magic, please?

magic occupied

↓

Smooshy, isn't it?

↓

We got a few cases from my new dealer in Paris.

cases dealer paris

↓

Excuse me, Ron...

excuse

↓

...I, uh, need to use the bathroom.

bathroom

↓

[WHISPERING] I think it's the paté.

whispering

↓

Sure, it's over there.

↓

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Thanks. Ha, ha. Stuff probably looks better on the way out.

normal normal-voice stuff thanks voice

↓

Oh, God.

↓

He wasn't feeling well earlier today.

feeling today

↓

Gravy.

gravy

↓

Don't worry, Snowflake.

snowflake worry

↓

Ace Ventura's here.

↓

Yummy.

yummy

↓

Snowflake.

snowflake

↓

Here, Snowflake.

snowflake

↓

I've got a snack for you.

snack

↓

[WHISTLES]

whistles

↓

[YELLING]

yelling

↓

CAMP: They're wonderful, aren't they?

camp

↓

Yes, they certainly are.

certainly

↓

No matter what's going on in my life...

life matter

↓

...I can always watch them swim...

swim watch

↓

...and be totally at peace.

peace

↓

It's not Snowflake.

snowflake

↓

It's not Snowflake.

snowflake

↓

It's not Snowflake.

snowflake

↓

[SHOUTING AND COUGHING]

coughing shouting

↓

Are you sure your date is all right?

date

↓

It's been an awfully long time.

awfully

↓

Who, Tom?

↓

Well, I'm sure he's fine.

↓

Do not go in there.

↓

Whoo!

whoo

↓

I'm sorry. I'll have the plumbing checked immediately.

checked immediately plumbing

↓

Do that. If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed.

drinking killed mightve toilet

↓

I'm sorry again, Mr. Ace.

↓

What're you doing?

whatre

↓

I'm sorry, Ron.

↓

CAMP: What's he doing?

camp

↓

Let's go.

↓

[RING JINGLES]

jingles ring

↓

MELISSA: Stop it.

melissa

↓

I don't even wanna know why your pants are missing.

missing pants

↓

You could've cost me my job.

cost couldve

↓

So you found a pebble in Snowflake's tank. I'll call CNN.

found pebble snowflakes tank

↓

I found it in the filter, thank you.

filter found

↓

And it's not a pebble, it's a rare, triangular cut orange amber.

amber orange pebble rare

↓

What're you talking about?

whatre

↓

Tonight I saw the same stone in Camp's ring.

camps ring stone tonight

↓

I thought you said Camp didn't do it.

camp

↓

No, his ring wasn't missing a stone.

missing ring stone

↓

But whoever was in that tank had a ring just like his.

ring tank

↓

Ring? What ring?

ring

↓

The 1984 Dolphin AFC championship ring.

championship dolphin ring

↓

I find the ring with a missing stone, I find Snowflake.

missing ring snowflake stone

↓

How you gonna do that?

↓

Simple.

simple

↓

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

blows blows-raspberry raspberry

↓

Loser. Why don't you learn how to drive, pal?

drive learn loser

↓

You wanna play?

↓

Whoo, whoo!

whoo whoo-whoo

↓

Damn it.

↓

[GRUNTS]

grunts

↓

[SHOUTING]

shouting

↓

[PANTS ZIP]

pants

↓

That stone could've come from anywhere.

couldve stone

↓

It could've come from...

couldve

↓

...a necklace or a pendant, an earring.

earring necklace

↓

It came from an '84 AFC championship ring.

championship ring

↓

Einhorn thinks it may have been an animal-rights group. You know FAN?

animal animal-rights einhorn group rights thinks

↓

Free Animals Now, started by Chelsea, daughter of industrialist Fisher Gamble?

animals chelsea daughter fisher free gamble started

↓

Over half a million members worldwide?

half members million worldwide

↓

No. Who are they?

↓

Did you know...

↓

...they sent letters to college teams demanding the release of their mascots?

college demanding letters mascots release sent teams

↓

What do you feed your dog?

feed

↓

Dog food. Why?

food

↓

He is miserable.

miserable

↓

What are you talking about?

↓

He's very unhappy. I feel sorry for him. Bad diet, isolated environment.

diet environment isolated unhappy

↓

It's amazing he's still alive.

alive amazing

↓

You're just mad because your stupid pebble theory didn't work out.

pebble stupid theory

↓

You can't express anger.

anger express

↓

Yeah? And you're ugly.

ugly

↓

I'm not even gonna talk to you. Would you please leave?

↓

Why? So you can beat him?

beat

↓

Fatty.

fatty

↓

Heh. You're unbelievable.

unbelievable

↓

[PHONE RINGING]

phone phone-ringing ringing

↓

Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made.

biggest hiring mistake

↓

Well, why don't you cry about it, saddlebags?

↓

You like her, huh?

↓

Yeah, she's all right.

↓

Melissa.

melissa

↓

Look, Melissa, I, uh....

melissa

↓

WOMAN: I'm here at the North Beach Towers condo complex in north Miami...

beach complex condo miami north towers woman

↓

...where Roger Podacter, head of operations for the Miami Dolphins...

dolphins head miami operations podacter roger roger-podacter

↓

...has apparently committed suicide...

apparently committed suicide

↓

...allegedly leaping to his death from his 20th-story balcony...

allegedly balcony death leaping story

↓

Lieutenant Einhorn of the Miami Police Department has yet to comment.

comment department einhorn lieutenant miami police

↓

You okay?

↓

WOMAN: I told you. I was in my apartment...

apartment woman

↓

- ...across the hall. MAN 1: Yes, ma'am.

hall maam

↓

- I heard a scream... - Uh-huh.

heard scream

↓

...S0 I called the manager.

called manager

↓

MAN 2: The place was empty, except for the dog.

empty except place

↓

I opened the balcony door and looked out...

balcony door looked opened

↓

...Splat, bang, pancake time.

bang pancake

↓

MAN 3: Okay, thank you very much.

↓

I'm gonna leave one of my cards. If you remember anything else, give me a call.

cards remember

↓

Hi there, fella.

fella

↓

Have a bad night?

night

↓

[WHIMPERING]

whimpering

↓

[BARKING]

barking

↓

So...

↓

...animals can sense evil.

animals evil sense

↓

Who let Dr. Doolittle in?

↓

Lieutenant, he came with Miss Robinson.

lieutenant miss robinson

↓

This is police business. We'll let you know if the coroner finds a tick.

business finds police tick

↓

[ALL LAUGHING THEN ACE MOCK LAUGHING]

laughing mock

↓

EMILIO: Face it-- - E, forget it. She's right.

emilio face forget

↓

Besides...

besides

↓

...I wouldn't want someone tracing my steps, pointing out my mistakes.

mistakes pointing steps

↓

EINHORN: So...

einhorn

↓

...you don't think this is an obvious suicide, Mr. Pet-Detective?

detective obvious suicide

↓

I wouldn't say that. There's plenty of evidence here to support your theory.

evidence plenty support theory

↓

Except, of course, for that spot of blood on the railing.

blood course except spot

↓

May I tell you what I think happened?

happened

↓

Alrighty, then.

alrighty

↓

Roger Podacter went out after work, had a few drinks, then came home.

drinks home podacter roger roger-podacter

↓

He wasn't alone. Someone else was with him. There was a struggle...

alone struggle

↓

...and he was thrown over that balcony.

balcony thrown

↓

Roger Podacter didn't commit suicide.

commit commit-suicide podacter roger roger-podacter suicide

↓

He was murdered.

murdered

↓

That's a very entertaining story...

entertaining story

↓

...but real detectives have to worry about that little thing called...

called detectives real worry

↓

...evidence.

evidence

↓

Uh-oh. I think I heard a toilet flush.

flush heard toilet

↓

Maybe somebody lost a turtle.

lost somebody turtle

↓

[ALL LAUGHING]

laughing

↓

Well, I....

↓

I guess I'm out of my league here.

league

↓

Einhorn....

einhorn

↓

Good work.

↓

OFFICERS: Ooh. Ow.

officers

↓

Oh, there is just one more thing, lieutenant.

lieutenant

↓

This woman is Roger Podacter's neighbor.

neighbor roger woman

↓

- She said she heard a scream. Right? - Right.

heard scream

↓

And you had to open the balcony door when you came in?

balcony door open

↓

- That's true. - You're sure you had to open this door?

door open

↓

MAN 2: I'm certain.

certain

↓

What's the point, Ventura?

point ventura

↓

Only this.

↓

[SINGING]

singing

↓

This is double-paned, soundproof glass. There is no way...

double glass

↓

...she could have heard Podacter scream on the way down.

heard podacter scream

↓

The scream she heard came from inside...

heard scream

↓

...before he was thrown off the balcony. The murderer closed the door upon going.

balcony closed door murderer thrown

↓

Yes. Oh, yeah.

↓

Can you feel that, buddy?

buddy

↓

Huh, huh, huh?

↓

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] I have exorcized the demons.

accent demons southern southern-accent

↓

This house is clear.

clear house

↓

- Losers. EINHORN: Get him out of here!

einhorn losers

↓

- Losers. Losers. - Let's go, Ace.

losers

↓

Losers.

losers

↓

AGUADO: Come on.

aguado

↓

Back to the zoo.

↓

MELISSA: What are you thinking?

melissa thinking

↓

This whole thing is connected, somehow.

connected whole

↓

I want to find that other ring.

ring

↓

MELISSA: Ace, you checked all the rings.

checked melissa rings

↓

ACE: Receipts? What about receipts?

receipts

↓

There's gotta be receipts.

receipts

↓

That was pretty impressive, what you did at the apartment.

apartment impressive

↓

You don't have to tell me.

↓

I was there.

↓

Maybe you should've joined the police force, become a real detective.

become detective force joined police police-force real shouldve

↓

I don't do humans.

humans

↓

You really love animals.

animals love

↓

If it gets cold enough.

cold

↓

[CHUCKLES]

chuckles

↓

No, I have a kinship with them.

↓

I, uh, understand them.

↓

Wanna hear something spooky?

spooky

↓

Sure.

↓

One time when I was about 12, I had a dream that I was being followed by...

dream followed

↓

...a big dog with rabies.

rabies

↓

He had these bloodshot eyes...

eyes

↓

...and foam came out of his mouth.

foam mouth

↓

No matter how fast I ran, he just kept gaining on me and gaining on me.

fast gaining matter

↓

Then just before I got to my front door...

door front front-door

↓

...he jumped and sank his teeth in.

jumped teeth

↓

That's when I woke up...

woke

↓

...and felt the back of my neck. Check that out.

check neck

↓

[ACE BARKS AND MELISSA SCREAMS]

barks melissa screams

↓

Bastard.

bastard

↓

I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself.

↓

Want to know why I do this?

↓

I'm not sure anymore.

anymore

↓

You better be sure...

↓

...because once you get inside my head...

head

↓

...there's no turning back.

turning

↓

[CHUCKLES]

chuckles

↓

So, um, ahem....

ahem

↓

Are these all? There's only a dozen.

dozen

↓

Maybe it's in another file, in the back.

another file

↓

Who the hell is that?

↓

What?

↓

ACE: That.

↓

Who the hell is that?

↓

That's Ray Finkle, the kicker. Don't you know who he is?

finkle kicker

↓

No.

↓

Why isn't he in this picture?

picture

↓

This was taken earlier in the year. Ray Finkle wasn't added till mid-season.

added finkle season taken till

↓

He missed the final field goal in the Super Bowl that year.

bowl field final goal missed super super-bowl

↓

Cost the Dolphins the game.

cost dolphins game

↓

But he got himself a ring, didn't he?

ring

↓

Definitely.

↓

"Replacement kicker having a great year."

having kicker replacement

↓

"Ready for Super Bowl, all-star kicker boasts."

bowl kicker ready star super super-bowl

↓

"Field goal sails wide, Dolphins lose Super Bowl."

bowl dolphins field goal lose super super-bowl wide

↓

"The kick heard 'round the world."

heard kick round world

↓

That was Finkle. The Dolphins lost by one point.

dolphins finkle lost point

↓

Poor guy.

poor

↓

Poor guy with a motive, baby.

baby motive poor

↓

Where is he now?

↓

I heard he went back to his hometown in Collier County.

county heard hometown

↓

Really?

↓

You're gonna drop me off before you go?

drop

↓

No way. You shouldn't be left alone right now.

alone left left-alone

↓

It might not be safe at your apartment.

apartment might safe

↓

What do you suggest?

suggest

↓

[MELISSA MOANING]

melissa moaning

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

Three times?

three three-times times

↓

I'm sorry, that's never happened to me before.

happened

↓

I must be tired.

must tired

↓

Okay, I'm ready again.

ready

↓

Hi. I'm looking for Ray Finkle...

finkle looking

↓

...and a clean pair of shorts.

clean pair shorts

↓

What do you know about Ray Finkle?

finkle

↓

Soccer-style kicker. Graduated from Collier High, 1976.

graduated kicker soccer style

↓

Stetson University honors graduate, 1980. Holds two NCAA records.

graduate holds honors records university

↓

Most points and distance.

distance points

↓

Nickname, "The Mule." The only pro athlete from here.

athlete mule nickname

↓

And one hell of a model American.

american model

↓

Are you another one of them Hard Copy guys?

another copy hard

↓

No, sir.

↓

I'm just a big Finkle fan.

finkle

↓

This is my Graceland, sir.

↓

Will you put that gun down?

↓

The boy is a fan of our son.

↓

So nice to meet you.

meet

↓

I'm Ray's mother...

mother rays

↓

...and this is Ray's father.

father rays

↓

It's a real honor.

honor real

↓

WOMAN: It's an honor to have you here.

honor woman

↓

My Ray is so appreciative of his fans.

fans

↓

He'll be so pleased you stopped by.

pleased stopped

↓

Are you expecting Ray anytime soon?

anytime expecting

↓

- Oh, yes. I expect him home any minute. - Ah.

expect home minute

↓

Would you like some cookies? I just baked them.

baked cookies

↓

Yummy.

yummy

↓

Wow.

↓

Ray Finkle's house.

house

↓

I can't wait to meet him.

meet

↓

Ray ain't coming home.

aint coming coming-home home

↓

But your wife expects him any minute.

expects minute wife

↓

She expects him home any minute.

expects home minute

↓

See, the engine's running but, uh, there's nobody behind the wheel.

behind engines nobody running wheel

↓

Eight years ago...

eight eight-years years

↓

...our son escaped from Shady Acres Mental Hospital.

acres escaped hospital mental shady

↓

And they're still bugging us to pick up his stuff.

bugging pick stuff

↓

It was all that Dan Marino's fault. Everyone knows that.

fault knows

↓

If he'd held the ball, laces out, like he's supposed to...

ball held laces supposed

↓

...Ray wouldn't have missed the kick.

kick missed

↓

Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.

gonorrhea marino

↓

Would you like a cookie, son?

cookie

↓

Mm. What do you know?

↓

They're little footballs.

↓

Laces out.

laces

↓

When Ray gets back and starts kicking again...

kicking starts

↓

...he'll never even know he was gone.

gone

↓

I've kept his room just the way he left it.

left room

↓

Oh, boy.

↓

What a sports nut, huh?

sports

↓

- May 1? - Oh, yes, by all means.

↓

MAN [ON VIDEO]: Five seconds to go here in Super Bowl XVII.

bowl five five-seconds seconds super super-bowl video

↓

Dolphins trailing the 49ers...

dolphins

↓

...by one. This will win the game for Miami.

game miami

↓

There's the snap.

snap

↓

Marino holds.

holds marino

↓

The kick...

kick

↓

...and it's high. No, it's...

↓

...no good. Ray Finkle blew a 26-yard field goal.

blew field finkle goal yard

↓

I don't believe it.

believe

↓

The Dolphins lose.

dolphins lose

↓

The Dolphins lose. The Dolphins lose the Super Bowl.

bowl dolphins lose super super-bowl

↓

- Melissa, it's Ace. MELISSA [OVER PHONE]: Where are you?

melissa phone

↓

I'm in Psychoville, and Finkle's the mayor. Where's Marino?

marino mayor

↓

Why?

↓

He's about to join Snowflake. I've gotta know where he is.

join snowflake

↓

He has a commercial shoot at the Bogart Sound Stage.

commercial shoot sound stage

↓

Call the police. Get extra security over there. Now.

extra police security

↓

Ace, what's going on?

↓

Ace. Ace.

↓

Thought I left?

left

↓

I'm really gonna go this time.

↓

MAN 1: Here we go, folks. Very quiet.

folks quiet

↓

MAN 2: Action.

action

↓

I'm Dan Marino, and if anyone knows the value of protection, it's me.

knows marino protection value

↓

So I take care of the hands that take care of me...

care hands

↓

...with Isotoner gloves.

gloves

↓

MAN 2: Cut. Again from the top.

↓

I said, cut.

↓

Guys, it's a cut.

↓

MAN 2: What the hell are they doing?

↓

MAN 1: That's a cut.

↓

- What is this, a rewrite? - Shut up.

rewrite

↓

- Where'd they go? - Over there.

whered

↓

Let's go.

↓

Excuse me, gentlemen.

excuse gentlemen

↓

Pet detective.

detective

↓

[GUNFIRE]

gunfire

↓

Come on. What's wrong?

↓

Can't you hit me?

↓

Whew.

whew

↓

[CAR STARTS]

starts

↓

MAN 1: Have there been ransom demands?

demands ransom

↓

There's no communication with the kidnappers.

communication

↓

Will the Super Bowl be postponed?

bowl super super-bowl

↓

The game is on as scheduled.

game scheduled

↓

Why weren't we told about the kidnapping?

kidnapping

↓

Secrecy was essential. We couldn't risk any interference.

essential interference risk

↓

- Are the crimes related? - I'm sorry, I can't comment further.

comment crimes further related

↓

Now, if you'll excuse me....

excuse

↓

[CHATTERING]

chattering

↓

Get me the autopsy on Podacter.

autopsy podacter

↓

Aguado, send out a memo: No one talks to the press.

aguado memo press send talks

↓

And somebody get me some coffee.

coffee somebody

↓

Tonight on Miami Vice, Crockett gets the boss a coffee.

boss coffee miami miami-vice tonight vice

↓

Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you'd better be gone.

bathroom gone ventura

↓

ACE: Is it number one or number two?

number

↓

I just wanna know how much time I have.

↓

Hey, uh, by the way, I went ahead and solved that...

ahead solved

↓

- ...pesky Snowflake-Podacter-Marino thing. - Oh, yeah?

marino podacter snowflake

↓

You ever heard of a former Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle?

dolphin finkle former heard kicker named

↓

All right, Ventura...

ventura

↓

...make it quick.

quick

↓

I found a rare stone at the bottom of Snowflake's tank.

bottom found rare snowflakes stone tank

↓

It belongs to a Dolphin '84 AFC championship ring.

belongs championship dolphin ring

↓

It would've been a Super Bowl ring, but Ray missed the kick.

bowl kick missed ring super super-bowl wouldve

↓

Blames the whole thing on Marino.

marino whole

↓

We're talking paranoid, delusional psychosis. I saw the guy's room.

delusional paranoid room

↓

Cozy, if you're Hannibal Lecter.

cozy

↓

So how does Roger Podacter fit in?

podacter roger roger-podacter

↓

My guess is, Finkle was snooping around. Podacter recognized him. End of story.

finkle podacter recognized snooping story

↓

As for Snowflake, they gave him Finkle's number, taught him how to kick a goal.

goal kick number snowflake taught

↓

Finkle took it personally.

finkle personally

↓

So where is Finkle now?

finkle

↓

Busted out of a mental institute. He's been plotting his revenge for years.

busted institute mental plotting revenge years

↓

Waiting for the perfect time to get back at them.

perfect waiting

↓

The time when it'd hurt them most:

hurt

↓

Super Bowl time.

bowl super super-bowl

↓

Man, I'm tired of being right.

tired

↓

Congratulations.

congratulations

↓

You've done some fine detective work...

detective

↓

...Ace.

↓

I'm sorry, could you speak into my good ear?

speak

↓

I thought I heard you call me Ace.

heard

↓

Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe you are more than just a pet dick.

dick

↓

Your gun is digging into my hip.

digging

↓

What's wrong?

↓

Want me to read you your rights?

read rights

↓

Maybe later.

↓

What is it?

↓

That bony little bitch...

bitch bony

↓

...Melissa Robinson?

melissa robinson

↓

You just don't do anything for me.

↓

Down, boy.

↓

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

door knocking

↓

Everything okay in here? I heard some commotion.

commotion heard

↓

Fine, sergeant.

sergeant

↓

You want me to throw him out?

throw

↓

Why don't you throw yourself out?

throw

↓

Yes, ma'am.

maam

↓

[DOOR CLOSES]

closes door door-closes

↓

Ace, I want you to leave everything to us.

↓

I can't do that, lieutenant. I was hired to find Snowflake.

hired lieutenant snowflake

↓

When we find Marino...

marino

↓

...we'll deliver Snowflake.

deliver snowflake

↓

When I find Snowflake...

snowflake

↓

...I'll deliver Marino.

deliver marino

↓

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

door knocking

↓

[DOG BARKING]

barking

↓

ACE: Melissa, it's Ace.

melissa

↓

What are you doing here? It's the middle of the night.

middle night

↓

You have to commit me.

commit

↓

Finkle escaped from Shady Acres. They still have his stuff.

acres escaped finkle shady stuff

↓

MELISSA: They aren't gonna let us look around.

melissa

↓

ACE: I know.

↓

It's a good thing I'm a master of disguise.

disguise master

↓

HANDLY: Mrs. Robinson...

robinson

↓

...I'm Dr. Handly.

↓

Now who is it you want us to look at?

↓

My brother...

brother

↓

...Larry.

larry

↓

I'm ready to go in. Just give me a chance.

chance ready

↓

I know there's a lot riding on it, but it's all psychological.

psychological riding

↓

Just gotta stay positive.

positive

↓

I'm gonna execute a buttonhook pattern, super slow-mo.

execute pattern slow super

↓

[GROANING]

groaning

↓

Let's see that...

↓

...in an instant replay.

instant

↓

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

gibberish speaking

↓

Your brother won't be the first football pro we've treated.

brother football treated

↓

- Is that right? - Yes, we're very sensitive...

sensitive

↓

...to the stress athletes have to endure.

athletes stress

↓

I'm open. I'm open.

open

↓

I'm open.

open

↓

We'll do some preliminary evaluations...

evaluations preliminary

↓

...but I think he'll fit in nicely here.

nicely

↓

ACE: Over here.

↓

351.

↓

351.

↓

Rover, sit. Hut, hut.

rover

↓

He seems to have some difficulty letting go of the game.

difficulty game letting seems

↓

Has he had a history of mental illness?

history illness mental

↓

As long as I've known him.

known

↓

And, uh, this is one of our therapy rooms.

rooms therapy

↓

And we do arts and crafts out here in the courtyard.

arts courtyard

↓

And this is the storage room. Down the hallway we have another--

another hallway room storage storage-room

↓

[MIMICS WHISTLE]

mimics whistle

↓

Halftime.

halftime

↓

[SINGING]

singing

↓

He'll be fine there by himself for the next 20 minutes.

minutes

↓

- I'll show you the dormitories, then. - Great.

↓

WOMAN [ON PA]: Dr. Hire, please call the page operator.

hire operator page woman

↓

Dr. Hire, please call the page operator.

hire operator page

↓

[BUBBLE WRAP POPPING]

bubble bubble-wrap popping wrap

↓

Finkle.

finkle

↓

Isotoners.

↓

[WHISTLES]

whistles

↓

Obsess much?

obsess

↓

MAN 1: Where are you going?

↓

MAN 2: To clean the storage room. MAN 1: No, clean the cafeteria.

cafeteria clean room storage storage-room

↓

MAN 2: I don't tell you how to do your job.

↓

MAN 1: The schedule says...

schedule

↓

- ...clean the cafeteria. - I know what I'm doing.

cafeteria clean

↓

MAN 1: You should've done it earlier.

shouldve

↓

MAN 2: Man, come on. Cafeteria, my ass. I'm cleaning in here.

cafeteria cleaning

↓

MAN 1: You take breaks too long. You smoke--

breaks smoke

↓

MAN 2: Man, you're a pain in the ass.

pain

↓

"Search called off for missing hiker.

called missing search

↓

A search ended today when rescue workers...

ended rescue search today workers

↓

...were unable to find the body of Lois Einhorn."

body einhorn lois unable

↓

A hiker missing since Friday?

friday missing

↓

Lois Einhorn?

einhorn lois

↓

Holy shitballs.

holy

↓

EINHORN: What're you doing out here? Get back to work.

einhorn whatre

↓

MAN: Sorry, lieutenant.

lieutenant

↓

EMILIO: "Love, Roger"?

emilio love roger

↓

EMILIO [ON RECORDING]: Ace, it's E.

emilio recording

↓

You think the article you found was something?

article found

↓

I got a note from Roger to Einhorn...

einhorn note roger

↓

...thanking her for a wonderful evening.

evening thanking

↓

Something ain't stirring the Kool-Aid, man.

aint stirring

↓

Wiggles, rewind.

rewind

↓

What the hell does Lois Einhorn have to do with Ray Finkle?

einhorn finkle lois

↓

Come on, think.

↓

Finkle and Einhorn, in it together. How? Why?

einhorn finkle

↓

All right. Here we go.

↓

Answer's right there. Just gotta get blood to the brain.

answers blood brain

↓

Finkle and Einhorn. Finkle and Einhorn.

einhorn finkle

↓

Finkle and Einhorn. Finkle and Einhorn.

einhorn finkle

↓

Einhorn and Finkle.

einhorn finkle

↓

Finkle and Einhorn.

einhorn finkle

↓

Quitter.

quitter

↓

What do you want? Huh?

↓

I don't have any food for you.

food

↓

I have to have money to buy food.

food money

↓

I have to have a dolphin to get money. Do you see a dolphin here?

dolphin money

↓

[SIGHS]

sighs

↓

Let's face it...

face

↓

...your master is a loser.

loser master

↓

Loo....

↓

What the...?

↓

That's it.

↓

That's it.

↓

Einhorn is Finkle.

einhorn finkle

↓

Finkle is Einhorn.

einhorn finkle

↓

Einhorn is a man.

einhorn

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

Einhorn is a man.

einhorn

↓

[GROANS]

groans

↓

[VOMITING]

vomiting

↓

[GROANING AND CRYING]

crying groaning

↓

No! No.

↓

"Your gun is digging into my hip."

digging

↓

God.

↓

BOB [ON TV]. And the big story in this Super Bowl game is the abduction...

bowl game story super super-bowl

↓

...of Miami's starting quarterback, Dan Marino.

marino quarterback starting

↓

MAN: It's gotta be a strain on this Miami team, Bob....

miami strain team

↓

[SHOUTING]

shouting

↓

EINHORN: What's the matter, Dan? Aren't you having fun?

einhorn fun having matter

↓

I just love Super Bowl Sunday. Don't you, Dan?

bowl love sunday super super-bowl

↓

A magical afternoon...

afternoon magical

↓

...where dreams are made...

dreams

↓

...and crushed.

crushed

↓

Look, if you want tickets, you're going about it the wrong way.

tickets

↓

EINHORN: Do I look familiar to you? Does it seem as if we've...

einhorn familiar

↓

...met someplace before?

someplace

↓

I don't know. I get hit in the head a lot.

head

↓

BOB: Now the coin toss.

coin toss

↓

EINHORN: Kickoff time.

einhorn

↓

My favorite thing.

favorite

↓

MAN: Bob, it looks like Philadelphia has elected to kick off.

elected kick philadelphia

↓

EINHORN: Laces out.

einhorn laces

↓

MAN: With Marino out, they're gonna be putting a lot of pressure...

marino pressure putting

↓

...on this replacement quarterback.

quarterback replacement

↓

BOB: And there's the kick.

kick

↓

This year's Super Bowl is under way.

bowl super super-bowl years

↓

I made some refreshments, Dan.

↓

Would you like some refreshments, Dan?

↓

I'll be right back, Dan.

↓

ROC: And it was his wife. Ha, ha.

wife

↓

I don't know how much psycho-woman's paying you, but I'll double it.

double paying psycho womans

↓

Sorry. "Psycho-woman" keeps us out of prison.

keeps prison psycho woman

↓

Snowflake, here you go. Come on.

snowflake

↓

ROC: Check it out, Marino.

check marino

↓

I'm throwing passes to a dolphin.

dolphin passes throwing

↓

[ROC AND VINNIE LAUGHING]

laughing

↓

[SNOWFLAKE CLICKING]

clicking snowflake

↓

Damn. Go get some more fish.

fish

↓

I'm gonna kill that dolphin.

dolphin kill

↓

[IN DEEP VOICE] Lovely party.

deep deep-voice lovely party voice

↓

Pity I wasn't invited.

invited pity

↓

Where the hell's the smelt?

hells

↓

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Unconscious. Exactly as I planned.

normal normal-voice planned unconscious voice

↓

[LAUGHING]

laughing

↓

[GROWLS]

growls

↓

Hey, Roc?

↓

What the hell was that?

↓

Shit.

↓

What happened? What's going on?

happened

↓

- You okay? - Guess what?

↓

It's naptime.

↓

BOB: What a hit.

↓

ACE: Heads up.

heads

↓

Hi, Dan.

↓

Who are you?

↓

Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. I've been sent with a special play:

detective sent special ventura

↓

The quarterback sneak.

quarterback sneak

↓

Penalty. Too many men on the field.

field penalty

↓

I warned you, Ventura.

ventura warned

↓

Whatever happened to "Ace"?

happened

↓

Good question.

question

↓

Be careful with that phone. In time, you could develop a tumor.

careful develop phone tumor

↓

Aguado, it's Lieutenant Einhorn.

aguado einhorn lieutenant

↓

Send some men over to the Hallandale yacht basin.

send yacht

↓

I've got the kidnapper trapped in the warehouse.

trapped warehouse

↓

It's Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.

detective ventura

↓

DISPATCHER [OVER RADIO]: Code 11 in progress, 343 Victorville Road...

code dispatcher progress radio road

↓

...at the Hallandale basin.

↓

Officer needs backup. Suspect's name: Ace Ventura...

backup name needs officer suspects ventura

↓

...Should be considered armed and dangerous.

armed considered dangerous

↓

It's Ace. We gotta break out of here.

break

↓

MELISSA: Is he in trouble?

melissa trouble

↓

Don't worry, if there's one thing I know...

worry

↓

...there's nothing Ace can't handle.

handle

↓

[CRYING] Don't kill me.

crying kill

↓

Please.

↓

I'll never tell anyone, I swear.

swear

↓

- He's who you want. Kill him. - Kill him.

kill

↓

Kill him. He held the ball, remember?

ball held kill remember

↓

Come on, look at him.

↓

- Crybaby. - Jock.

crybaby jock

↓

- Wimp. - Musclehead.

↓

Shut up.

↓

I think I'll kill the dolphin first. I wouldn't want you to miss that.

dolphin kill miss

↓

BOB: And there's the snap.

snap

↓

The kick. And it's good.

kick

↓

Good to see somebody who doesn't buckle under the pressure.

buckle pressure somebody

↓

[GUN COCKS]

cocks

↓

What would you know about pressure?

pressure

↓

Well, I have kissed a man.

kissed

↓

BOB: There's never been a more crucial kick in a Super Bowl...

bowl crucial kick super super-bowl

↓

...than the "kick heard 'round the world."

heard kick round world

↓

I mean, it's clear to me that it was a good hold. Finkle just booted it.

clear finkle

↓

The laces were in.

laces

↓

They were in!

↓

[BOTH SHOUTING AND GRUNTING]

grunting shouting

↓

- You like that? - Aah!

↓

You like that?

↓

And that. And that.

↓

Having a little trouble with the lady?

having lady trouble

↓

You don't understand...

↓

...She's a--

↓

Get him, Lois. Get him.

lois

↓

Get him.

↓

Shoot him!

shoot

↓

- Shoot him! EMILIO: Hold your fire.

emilio fire shoot

↓

Don't shoot.

dont-shoot shoot

↓

MELISSA: Put your guns down, or this cop gets it.

guns melissa

↓

I mean it.

↓

EMILIO: She's not joking.

emilio joking

↓

He kidnapped Snowflake.

kidnapped snowflake

↓

He killed Roger Podacter and was about to kill Marino and me.

kill killed marino podacter roger roger-podacter

↓

Ho, ho, ho!

↓

Fiction can be fun.

fiction fun

↓

But I find the reference section much more enlightening.

reference section

↓

For instance...

instance

↓

...if you look up...

↓

...professional football's all-time bonehead plays...

plays professional

↓

...you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker named Ray Finkle...

dolphin finkle kicker miami might named read

↓

...who missed a 26-yard field goal in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.

bowl closing field goal missed seconds super super-bowl yard

↓

You wouldn't read that Finkle was committed to a mental hospital...

committed finkle hospital mental read

↓

...only to escape, join the police...

escape join police

↓

...and scheme to get even with Marino...

marino scheme

↓

...whom he blamed for the entire thing.

blamed entire

↓

What are you talking about?

↓

She's not Lois Einhorn. She's Ray Finkle. She's a man.

einhorn finkle lois

↓

He's lying.

lying

↓

Shoot him!

shoot

↓

Let's just see who's lying, shall we?

lying

↓

Would a real woman have to wear one of these?

real real-woman wear woman

↓

[GRUNTING]

grunting

↓

Boy, that's really on there.

↓

But tell me this:

↓

Would a real woman...

real real-woman woman

↓

...be missing these?

missing

↓

[LAUGHING]

laughing

↓

That kind of surgery can be done over the weekend.

surgery weekend

↓

But I doubt very much...

doubt

↓

...if he could find the time during his busy schedule...

busy schedule

↓

...to get rid of...

↓

...big old...

↓

...Mr. Knish.

↓

Oh, boy.

↓

MARINO: Psst. Psst. Ace.

marino psst

↓

Come here.

↓

Would you excuse me for just one second?

excuse second

↓

Ladies and gentlemen...

gentlemen ladies

↓

...my esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino...

colleague marino

↓

...brought new evidence to my attention.

attention brought evidence

↓

Now...

↓

...history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive...

certainly history shown

↓

...criminal investigator can be wrong.

criminal

↓

But if I am mistaken...

mistaken

↓

...if the lieutenant is indeed a woman...

indeed lieutenant woman

↓

...as she claims to be...

claims

↓

...then, my friend...

friend

↓

...She is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen.

case seen suffering worst worst-case

↓

That's why Roger Podacter is dead.

dead podacter roger roger-podacter

↓

He found Captain Winkie.

captain found

↓

Good night. You've been a wonderful audience. Be sure to tip your waitress.

audience night waitress

↓

Die, animal boy.

animal

↓

Quick decision.

decision quick

↓

Loser.

loser

↓

- Ace. You have any more gum? - Yeah, Dan?

↓

That's none of your damn business. Stay out of my personal affairs.

affairs business personal

↓

MARINO: You're a weird guy, Ace. A weird guy.

marino weird

↓

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen...

announcer announcer-ladies gentlemen ladies

↓

...the Miami Dolphins are proud...

dolphins miami proud

↓

...to welcome back to Joe Robbie Stadium...

robbie stadium welcome

↓

...our beloved mascot...

beloved mascot

↓

...and the star of our halftime show:

halftime star

↓

Snowflake.

snowflake

↓

And now...

↓

...returning for the second half, the Dolphins' most valuable player...

dolphins half player returning second second-half valuable

↓

...Dan Marino.

marino

↓

[MIMICKING PIGEON]

mimicking pigeon

↓

Idiot.

idiot

↓

Do you know what you've done? You just cost me 25 grand, Polly.

cost grand polly

↓

MAN: Yeah? Blow me.

blow

↓

Really?

↓

[BOTH GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]

grunting shouting

↓

ANNOUNCER: The National Football League...

announcer football league national

↓

...would like to offer a special thank you to the man who rescued Dan Marino...

marino offer rescued special

↓

...and our beloved Snowflake.

beloved snowflake

↓

A great humanitarian...

↓

...and a lover of all animals:

animals lover

↓

Mr. Ace Ventura.

ventura

↓

MAN: Get off me!

↓

Get off me!

↓

[English - US - SDH]

english