🎲 Surprise Me

Results (13329)

23bf2a51-3762-4a44-9ca3-03dcb404b844.gif
Ah, commenting on the human condition.
8f35423f-d2e5-4a48-b5cd-74593cc84858.gif
You know, George Carlin once said--
d6a22cbf-c28b-45a3-a74e-e5f99f80f4a8.gif
Yeah, we're all on Facebook, Brian.
34e2d1d3-5df6-4a55-83e3-27186cce20b9.gif
Anyway, I'm doing stand-up,
5cfee160-37da-4234-9c1a-e216e4b4628c.gif
you're not a part of this, don't tell Peter.
9e9932d1-0b33-4977-9052-35bf0f98fa17.gif
[sirens wailing]
6c2b4cdc-3abc-4017-9094-3d00a2d17b51.gif
Can you believe these firemen risk their lives
eeab6fe1-e959-47ec-8274-f5debe202a7d.gif
to save people like that? They are so brave.
3f6140d9-7675-4ecf-a95c-c1c510d1aa56.gif
[scoffs] You want to talk about brave?
d0431493-5b30-4220-b6b0-1b3701792b3b.gif
Try getting paid to tell jokes.
88414edc-730d-461b-82af-96031a6ac8c0.gif
- Sure, I-I guess. - That's something, too.
6286cecb-f83a-4bfd-8d9b-4aaa871cd372.gif
I am a sherpa,
f9a35e21-b7d4-47fd-beac-7cf1aa643d0a.gif
guiding you into the places in your mind you're afraid to go.
d21cd60b-2832-4b10-9fa7-f4bea1870479.gif
See, comics are philosophers.
674e9f5d-4929-4678-9e8d-c5b2da3f0e67.gif
We hold up a mirror to society and say, "Look."
086fe8c7-0d1e-4ab3-896e-372306420661.gif
I don't do jokes. I do truth.
b5a81d29-092d-4525-8ac9-4d3e60983586.gif
The first time I touched that mic, it was like a religious experience,
4897bcc4-713d-48d2-b94c-0b9f52c9a34a.gif
if I believed in religion, which I don't.
1b822ef8-abe0-4ce0-9c71-d136bb2c17ba.gif
They're all sheep, praying to the invisible man in the sky.
8451287e-a375-4a2d-bc3d-3384b92609e6.gif
As you can see, I did not pull that punch.
93cb2b5e-7266-47c8-8a29-ec237b10b715.gif
Ew, is that what I sound like with book stuff?
77359ee0-7be1-4c76-a996-1672fbc3640c.gif
- 'Fraid so, Bri. - Oh, God.
c3567f2f-ed93-4abc-98bf-9ee794e986ef.gif
Oh, I got a tag for that.
6d26af03-3ab2-4b57-afa9-12b4ca447ae4.gif
After "God," you should say,
9bc7160c-7de2-4eb3-abbe-18780825e125.gif
"If it's the Last Supper, then there better be dessert."
cad9cd42-ea7a-4cff-85ba-458fd5a255fe.gif
- I don't get it. - Yeah, it's pretty heady.
bced33fb-2fda-4599-a370-401300cad98d.gif
Hey, I'd love to keep talking bits,
7d6688eb-29b8-4758-8e85-e0a966dba769.gif
but I need to go listen to my set
3517c005-f5da-4aed-aeb7-81598077723d.gif
to see if my voice sounds as shrill as that incel Reddit page says.
c4c02386-0f78-4545-a9a4-17c23e36129e.gif
It must be hard knowing that Lois achieved her dream so fast,
536031d3-4a4b-4925-a201-618a6aedc4f6.gif
while your writing career has gone nowhere.
254d0e2d-b354-419b-b757-1ea24bce6847.gif
I'll have you know that my book was recently picked up...
4095f7c2-4c08-4694-9195-4a8c07845e90.gif
on garbage day.
757a203b-96d1-4236-a842-a81a2f1a42ad.gif
Lois was cleaning out the garage.
f6777af8-d639-4d31-a105-96271ec6ab35.gif
Face it, she's lapping you, bro.
f4f2815a-37ee-4cc2-9c32-96f52e7ac355.gif
Her new name is "Ois," 'cause you took the "L".
f6350243-7d73-4e26-8d80-452cd11da3c6.gif
Boom! Mark it on the burn board.
358d6c15-efd0-4c47-80ff-6136dcd20577.gif
- [bell dings] - [slurping]
dd818578-b1ad-472e-a1d1-aa2c8813594d.gif
Get it together, Chrissy.
9cd53c6c-109c-448b-9e1a-4e8edd9ddb36.gif
You can burn with the big boys. You're the golden child.
bb9ed0dc-62a0-4dc5-a189-ff857fd3564a.gif
Okay, here goes.
fcd2ba79-df6b-43fd-9b2c-535284697afa.gif
You're a dog that does people things.
e2d31a7e-db79-4179-ab5e-95be8b884d56.gif
Rachel, come on, you know me.
b6efb506-e11e-488c-9f22-30df74142d4c.gif
I went to your sister's wedding.