Home » Family Guy » S23E04 — Lois C K

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 4 — Lois C K

♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

#1

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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

#2

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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

#3

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[all] ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

#4

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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

#5

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

#6

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♪ Laugh and cry ♪

#7

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[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

#8

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[Lois humming]

#9

⇓

Wow, someone seems happy today.

#10

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Damn right. Today's the big day.

#11

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You're getting off parole?

#12

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Does this mean I can finally stop giving you my pee?

#13

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Not yet, so stay off drugs and keep that hose flowing.

#14

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[Chris groans]

#15

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Tonight is girls' night.

#16

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Women's night. You're all in your 40s.

#17

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We're going to an "I love the '90s" concert.

#18

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I cannot wait to mumble the rap lyrics I'm not supposed to say.

#19

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Hey, chief. Cooking up a little hijinks there?

#20

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Yeah, me and the guys are gonna make nonconsensual prank videos

#21

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by dumping marbles at the park.

#22

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It'll be hilarious, once we edit out the ambulances.

#23

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Just make sure you're back by 5:00.

#24

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You need to watch Stewie while I'm out with the girls.

#25

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- Women. - I'll be back, don't worry.

#26

⇓

Don't blow this, fat man.

#27

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You're already on thin ice since you crashed that airplane into my cheek.

#28

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Open wide, here comes the airplane.

#29

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[screaming]

#30

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We're all gonna die!

#31

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Sir, please remain calm and stay soggy.

#32

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Hail Mary full of grain, Buzz Bee is with thee.

#33

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[screaming]

#34

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[explosion]

#35

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Wake up, Cheerio Army.

#36

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General Mills is lying to you.

#37

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The cheek crash did not happen.

#38

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There's no proof of purchase, plus, oat milk can't melt steel spoons.

#39

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You know what's crazy? There were no Jewi-O's

#40

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in the mouth that day.

#41

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I'm not sayin' but I'm just sayin'.

#42

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Where the hell is Peter? He was supposed to be here

#43

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to watch Stewie two hours ago.

#44

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Yeah poor kid feels so let down, he started auditioning new dads.

#45

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Hi. I'm here to audition to be your dad.

#46

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Oh, this isn't for the role of my dad, it's for the role of my "daddy".

#47

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[Chris muffled through door] Stewie, Mom couldn't get

#48

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the poo stains out of your Moana onesie.

#49

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She says she's gonna wash it again.

#50

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Shut up! I'm trying to create a vibe here.

#51

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[cell phone chimes]

#52

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Oh, damn it I'm missing the moment of silence

#53

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for Kurt Cobain and the other Manilli.

#54

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- I can explain. - Don't bother.

#55

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You should see the other guys.

#56

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Yeah, it was a pretty weird night.

#57

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I got wind!

#58

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- Peter stuck in ice again? - Yeah.

#59

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Uh-uh, I said no boobie bills.

#60

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Nipples all mushed up on Ben Franklin.

#61

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And that's exactly why I invented eyeglasses.

#62

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Oh, I can't believe Peter ruined my whole evening.

#63

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Did Sir Mix-A-Lot go on yet?

#64

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Yeah, but he's already burned through his hits,

#65

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so now he's doing an awful "Baby Got Back" remix about knees.

#66

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♪ I like thick knees When they bend real high ♪

#67

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♪ Some brothas wanna 1love that thigh ♪

#68

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♪ When a girl walks in better show me them shins ♪

#69

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♪ And bend, lookin' like the letter "N," I get chub. ♪

#70

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[lively chatter]

#71

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Ah, it's so nice to hang at our regular bar

#72

⇓

that everyone is familiar with.

#73

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What's with the schlubby white boys with notebooks in here?

#74

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Looking like Josh Gad's stenographer.

#75

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Oh, no, tonight's open mic night.

#76

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These comics are always so hacky.

#77

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Then I said, "I want the booty, and I ain't talking about doubloons."

#78

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[Seamus coughs]

#79

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Ah, you look like a good crowd.

#80

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Any spice merchants here tonight?

#81

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- I'm a lawyer. - Of the high seas?

#82

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I handle zoning disputes.

#83

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Then I got nothing.

#84

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- [cellphone chimes] - [groans] It's Peter again.

#85

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He's been texting me all night.

#86

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He's so helpless when I'm not around.

#87

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Hey, could you put your phone away? My parents are here tonight.

#88

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Rory gave us grandchildren. Seamus gives us this.

#89

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Well, maybe if you were actually funny, I'd listen.

#90

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Your Davy Jones' Locker bit, thar she blows.

#91

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[crowd] Ooh!

#92

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If you think it's easy, you should put your treasure

#93

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- where your mouth is and go next. - No, no, I'm not a comedian.

#94

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I-I could never.

#95

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Oh my gosh, you should do it, Lois.

#96

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You think so?

#97

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Yes, and not just because you're sneezing and coughing

#98

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and I don't want you next to me.

#99

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I don't know, you really think I'd be good at--

#100

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[coughing]

#101

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Just go!

#102

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Hey... [laughs, snorts]

#103

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I don't really know what to talk about up here.

#104

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Um, frankly, my whole life is dealing with my idiot husband, Peter.

#105

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I had to chisel his fat ass out of ice today.

#106

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Yeah, who knew a one-inch nub could shrink?

#107

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- [laughter] - That is so true.

#108

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You don't have a man, how would you know?

#109

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When my roommate falls asleep, I crank pornos.

#110

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Most couples have an active sex life.

#111

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Peter has an Activia sex life.

#112

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- [laughter] - Yeah, my husband and I,

#113

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we enjoyed 20 happy years.

#114

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- Then we met. - [laughter]

#115

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Ladies, show of hands. Huh?

#116

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How many of you have ever faked an orgasm?

#117

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Okay, now how many of you have ever faked penetration?

#118

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[laughter]

#119

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[cheers and applause]

#120

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Whew, I need a drink.

#121

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Hey, I just want to say I think you're great.

#122

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Look, pal, I know nothing is hotter to a guy

#123

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than a woman who's funnier than them, but I'm taken.

#124

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I know, I heard your set.

#125

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Those dumb husband jokes crushed.

#126

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Oh, God, it was such a rush up there.

#127

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Like when you're driving without your seat belt

#128

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and the bell keeps dinging to put it on,

#129

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but you just keep going because it's a short trip.

#130

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Hey, I run a bunch of comedy clubs around the city,

#131

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and we're always looking for new talent. You interested?

#132

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Oh! [laughing]

#133

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Well, yeah, of course.

#134

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Great. Hopefully you can come up

#135

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with more material about that husband of yours.

#136

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I don't know, I mean, I probably shouldn't slam my husband

#137

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like that on a regular basis.

#138

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Oh, there you are. Quick update.

#139

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I found the mayo, but it was in a red bottle

#140

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and they misspelled it "Drano."

#141

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Everyone's outside in an ambulance when you're ready.

#142

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[laughs]

#143

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Hey, Lois, you busy? I thought we could go

#144

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and make hammocks for squirrels with your bras again.

#145

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They really dug it last time.

#146

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Peter's a weird guy, but I like him.

#147

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Dude cares about rodent comfort.

#148

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That's just a fact.

#149

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Sorry, I have plans.

#150

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Fine, I'll go alone, but I'm taking your tampons

#151

⇓

to make speed bumps for snakes.

#152

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Hey, did you notice Lois has "had plans" a lot lately?

#153

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Yeah, something's definitely up.

#154

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Last night there was adrenaline in her breastmilk.

#155

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She's been rushing through all her housework.

#156

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Mommy, I had an oopsie.

#157

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[Lois sniffing]

#158

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- [Stewie shouting] - [liquid sloshing]

#159

⇓

Oh.

#160

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Hey! Get back here and do the front!

#161

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This isn't right. I have to talk to her about this.

#162

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Look, we both know what's going on here.

#163

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So if you are cheating on Peter, maybe let me get a whack at it?

#164

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Shoot your shot, playboy.

#165

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What?! No-- I am not cheating on Peter.

#166

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But, well, I have been hiding something.

#167

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I've been doing stand-up for the past few weeks.

#168

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Ah, I even came up with a great stage name,

#169

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"Lois the Crowd Killer," but it was too long for the marquee,

#170

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so I shortened it to "Lois C.K."

#171

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Are you still, like, uh, workshopping that?

#172

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No, and I'm trying to keep it low-key.

#173

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The routines, well, they're about my life,

#174

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and, you know, Peter may not like what he hears.

#175

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Ah, commenting on the human condition.

#176

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You know, George Carlin once said--

#177

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Yeah, we're all on Facebook, Brian.

#178

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Anyway, I'm doing stand-up,

#179

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you're not a part of this, don't tell Peter.

#180

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[inaudible]

#181

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[squeaks]

#182

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[sirens wailing]

#183

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Can you believe these firemen risk their lives

#184

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to save people like that? They are so brave.

#185

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[scoffs] You want to talk about brave?

#186

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Try getting paid to tell jokes.

#187

⇓

- Sure, I-I guess. - That's something, too.

#188

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I am a sherpa,

#189

⇓

guiding you into the places in your mind you're afraid to go.

#190

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See, comics are philosophers.

#191

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We hold up a mirror to society and say, "Look."

#192

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I don't do jokes. I do truth.

#193

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[screams]

#194

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The first time I touched that mic, it was like a religious experience,

#195

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if I believed in religion, which I don't.

#196

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They're all sheep, praying to the invisible man in the sky.

#197

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As you can see, I did not pull that punch.

#198

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Ew, is that what I sound like with book stuff?

#199

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- 'Fraid so, Bri. - Oh, God.

#200

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Oh, I got a tag for that.

#201

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After "God," you should say,

#202

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"If it's the Last Supper, then there better be dessert."

#203

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- I don't get it. - Yeah, it's pretty heady.

#204

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Hey, I'd love to keep talking bits,

#205

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but I need to go listen to my set

#206

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to see if my voice sounds as shrill as that incel Reddit page says.

#207

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It must be hard knowing that Lois achieved her dream so fast,

#208

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while your writing career has gone nowhere.

#209

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I'll have you know that my book was recently picked up...

#210

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on garbage day.

#211

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Lois was cleaning out the garage.

#212

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Face it, she's lapping you, bro.

#213

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Her new name is "Ois," 'cause you took the "L".

#214

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Boom! Mark it on the burn board.

#215

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- [bell dings] - [slurping]

#216

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Get it together, Chrissy.

#217

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You can burn with the big boys. You're the golden child.

#218

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Okay, here goes.

#219

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You're a dog that does people things.

#220

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Rachel, come on, you know me.

#221

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I went to your sister's wedding.

#222

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Stewie?

#223

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I told you not to send your kid to private school.

#224

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You're never gonna believe this--

#225

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The tennis ball is still in your hand when you fake a throw?

#226

⇓

You're right, I don't believe it.

#227

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No. I'm getting a NETCCF special.

#228

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- You mean "Netflix"? - No, NETCCF.

#229

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The New England Theater Conference Comedy Festival.

#230

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It's the biggest mid-Atlantic regional comedy event

#231

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in the greater Rhode Island area.

#232

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They're gonna run my special on Channel 385.

#233

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And-and that's... good?

#234

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It'll be on after the City Council meeting where the camera drifts slowly to the left

#235

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until it's fully facing the wall, so you tell me.

#236

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Oh! If it goes well, they might even sell the special to Fupi.

#237

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- I-- Is that an Asian dish? - It's a streamer.

#238

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Any two nonsense syllables are a streamer.

#239

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- Ah-choo. - Oh, I love their shows.

#240

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Break out the Kleenex.

#241

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Congrats, Lois.

#242

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This special sounds like a really big deal. Do you feel ready?

#243

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Uh, actually, no.

#244

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It tapes next week, and they want a whole hour.

#245

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I'm gonna need way more material.

#246

⇓

Who knows, maybe you'll get lucky

#247

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and Peter will screw up more than usual this week.

#248

⇓

Hmm. Screw up more than usual...

#249

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- Next round's on me, boys. - Geez, Peter,

#250

⇓

you're throwing around some serious coin tonight.

#251

⇓

Usually, you buy one drink for the table

#252

⇓

and put four straws in, so we'd drink it together

#253

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like in an Archie comic.

#254

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Lois gave me a bunch of cash to get as drunk as I want

#255

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and just do whatever pops into my head.

#256

⇓

Wait, those belonged to a man?

#257

⇓

Well, now I feel like the boob.

#258

⇓

[woman singing]

#259

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I did.

#260

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Peter, you need to see what Bonnie just posted on Facebook.

#261

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More bikini shots already? I'm still working through the last batch.

#262

⇓

- Emphasis on batch. - Giggity.

#263

⇓

He's so dumb he hit his head

#264

⇓

trying to dive into his ocean screensaver.

#265

⇓

I didn't know Lois was doing comedy, but that's hilarious.

#266

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This guy she's talking about sounds like a real dope.

#267

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[laughs] He couldn't satisfy his wife on their wedding night.

#268

⇓

Huh, she just held up a picture of me.

#269

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Probably to show what the cuck doesn't look like.

#270

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How do we break it to him?

#271

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Well, he's not getting it verbally, so we're gonna have to do ASL.

#272

⇓

Hey, Peter...

#273

⇓

How dare you, Lois!

#274

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You have made a complete fool out of me.

#275

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And after I worked my fingers to the bone

#276

⇓

- renovating our bathroom. - About that,

#277

⇓

why did you mount the toilet on the ceiling?

#278

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The blueprints were upside down.

#279

⇓

See? This is what I'm talking about.

#280

⇓

Your whole life is a joke. Excuse me for noticing.

#281

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For God's sake, you were the first video on 2017's Epic Rope Swing Fails.

#282

⇓

You think Harry Potter was based on a true story.

#283

⇓

Don't twist my words. I said, "There are probably wizard schools."

#284

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Look, Peter, for years I've had to put a good face on

#285

⇓

while you act like an ignorant, impulsive child.

#286

⇓

And it is exhausting!

#287

⇓

I finally found a way to turn my pain into art,

#288

⇓

and nothing is gonna stop me

#289

⇓

because Lois C.K. is standing in the doorway of comedy,

#290

⇓

and you're gonna watch me until I erupt... with jokes.

#291

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We'll see how funny you are

#292

⇓

when you don't have this idiot to make fun of anymore.

#293

⇓

Good morrow, family.

#294

⇓

Christopher. Stewart. Megan. Dogglas. Loisabeth.

#295

⇓

Hmm...

#296

⇓

In a right triangle, the sine of a given angle

#297

⇓

is equal to the ratio of the side opposite that angle to the hypotenuse.

#298

⇓

And a hypotenuse is not a math hippo.

#299

⇓

So you lied to me?

#300

⇓

I-I just always wanted a family,

#301

⇓

and I thought that this could be my way in.

#302

⇓

Is that even your visor?

#303

⇓

I stole it off a blackjack dealer.

#304

⇓

He didn't chase me because it was too sad.

#305

⇓

- And how are your studies? - Oh, I'm all automotive now.

#306

⇓

I spend my days under a Dodge Charger and evenings in the back seat.

#307

⇓

Always a pleasure chatting with you.

#308

⇓

- I saved the comics for you, Dad. - No, thank you.

#309

⇓

Today I'll be reading the funny business section.

#310

⇓

"Lasagna Futures Tumble in Worst Monday Ever."

#311

⇓

I warned him to diversify into other noodles.

#312

⇓

Could you pass the Fiber One?

#313

⇓

They should call it Fiber Two,

#314

⇓

because of what it makes you do, right, Dad?

#315

⇓

Christopher! To your room, this instant.

#316

⇓

Okay, what is going on with you today?

#317

⇓

What is going on is I will no longer be your fool.

#318

⇓

If you'll excuse me, a man from Craigslist is here

#319

⇓

to buy my box of shenanigans.

#320

⇓

Whatever this is, it won't last. Buffoonery is in your blood.

#321

⇓

Why, aorta...

#322

⇓

Seven brave astronauts lost their lives that day, Lois.

#323

⇓

That's the opposite of silly.

#324

⇓

Okay, we caught the escaped giraffe,

#325

⇓

but who's gonna ride him back to the zoo?

#326

⇓

Oh, what do you say, Peter?

#327

⇓

Would you rather ride the giraffe, or take our sensible family car?

#328

⇓

[starts engine]

#329

⇓

[tires screeching]

#330

⇓

Bring me to the park, I want to dunk.

#331

⇓

He'll never be able to keep it up.

#332

⇓

He's kept it up.

#333

⇓

My stand-up special is next week and I am desperate for material.

#334

⇓

Peter's given me squat. He is drier than a Triscuit.

#335

⇓

[cell phone rings, chimes]

#336

⇓

Hey, how do I delete Grown Ups 3 off the DVR

#337

⇓

to make room for Ken Burns' Dust Bowl?

#338

⇓

I don't want to miss the episode on Okie migration.

#339

⇓

He's been like this all week.

#340

⇓

Last night, he gave his whoopie cushion a Viking funeral.

#341

⇓

[extended farting sound]

#342

⇓

Maybe you need to broaden out your topics.

#343

⇓

The audience just wants to hear about your life.

#344

⇓

Y-you're right, Bon.

#345

⇓

A good stand-up can make anything funny.

#346

⇓

I'm gonna start right now.

#347

⇓

This is really great, women supporting women.

#348

⇓

I couldn't agree more.

#349

⇓

Us ladies need to stick together.

#350

⇓

Absolutely. We can't let petty differences divide us.

#351

⇓

Five minutes, Missus G.

#352

⇓

I told you to stop peeking your head in

#353

⇓

and just fully enter.

#354

⇓

Sorry, Missus G. I'm self-conscious about my legs.

#355

⇓

- Hey, is dad coming tonight? - Oh, I don't think so.

#356

⇓

He's being a little bitch about my jokes about him being a little bitch.

#357

⇓

Time to go live on Instagram to service my fans.

#358

⇓

Wha-wha-what up, Lois hive.

#359

⇓

I'm about to tape my first special.

#360

⇓

Thanks to all my Lo-Hoes out there for supporting your girl.

#361

⇓

[kisses] We out here.

#362

⇓

Am I using that right, Meg?

#363

⇓

[Meg] I don't know, I'm a dork, too.

#364

⇓

Okay, this is a sponsored post,

#365

⇓

so I'd like to give a shout-out thank you

#366

⇓

to Dr. Violet's Feminine De-Musting Powder.

#367

⇓

When you're musty, it's a must.

#368

⇓

[announcer] Now, give it up for the Husband Slayer: Lois C.K.

#369

⇓

- [cheering] - How you feeling tonight, Quahog?

#370

⇓

Ha-ha! Let's get right into it.

#371

⇓

So, the other day, Peter sits me down...

#372

⇓

Ooh, here it comes, I bet she's about to say

#373

⇓

something derogatory about his genitals.

#374

⇓

She's also clever about his obesity.

#375

⇓

My father died this morning, but I bought the tickets before that.

#376

⇓

No, he wanted to review this year's tax code

#377

⇓

to look for additional deductions.

#378

⇓

Well, how about deducting all those receipts

#379

⇓

from my kitchen table?

#380

⇓

Ya too messy!

#381

⇓

These are theater chairs, they're not supposed to swivel.

#382

⇓

Huh, weird.

#383

⇓

- Did you break our chair? - I improved your chair.

#384

⇓

Actually, my whole street is full of weirdos.

#385

⇓

So my crippled neighbor, he's a real jerk.

#386

⇓

He's so handicapped, he gets to park inside the bank.

#387

⇓

Ya too messy!

#388

⇓

[man coughs]

#389

⇓

Huh. Is this thing on?

#390

⇓

Oh, I'm on, honey. They can hear youse just fine.

#391

⇓

Okay, you're gonna love this one.

#392

⇓

So there's this predator next door

#393

⇓

that we still hang out with even though he hurts women.

#394

⇓

[laughs] I-I'm still working on the punchline for that one.

#395

⇓

- Ginger bitch. - Married a loser 'cause she's a loser.

#396

⇓

[man 2] My dad died during knee surgery.

#397

⇓

Please, stop. Look, I-I just want to make you laugh.

#398

⇓

Well, we don't like your jokes,

#399

⇓

and Will Smith said we're allowed to hit comics.

#400

⇓

[clamoring]

#401

⇓

Whoa, hey, hey, guys, I just wanted her to bomb, but not this.

#402

⇓

This is what bombing is now. Beatings are the new boos.

#403

⇓

Look, I-I know you've all had or will have

#404

⇓

two drinks at minimum, but please, calm down.

#405

⇓

- Hey, you gonna huck that? - I'm still working on it.

#406

⇓

Aw.

#407

⇓

- What's with the flimsy cans? - We drink hard seltzer now.

#408

⇓

Ugh, at least go get beer bottles to throw like a respectable rioter.

#409

⇓

Oh, my God, Peter.

#410

⇓

All this time, I was belittling you,

#411

⇓

but you did what I wasn't willing to do for you:

#412

⇓

protect my spouse from public ridicule when--

#413

⇓

Crap, we only got eight seconds left in tonight's episode.

#414

⇓

You don't have to be smart for me or serious.

#415

⇓

I married you for who you are, a good husband.

#416

⇓

And I married you 'cause you did mouth stuff in the car.

#417

⇓

but overall, that's not really who you are.

#418

⇓

Hey, I'm-I'm sorry for ruining your special, Lois.

#419

⇓

Oh, that's okay, it all worked out.

#420

⇓

They actually ended up giving it to Joe instead.

#421

⇓

Boy, I'm glad I'm not a cop in DC, I'd be writing tickets for gridlock.

#422

⇓

You know what DC stands for? "Dumb Congress."

#423

⇓

Hey, three congressmen walked into a bar.

#424

⇓

Nothing happened.

#425

⇓

You know, you don't have to clap after every joke.

#426

⇓

I'd prefer if you laughed.

#427

⇓

Stop that!

#428

⇓

[♪ hip-hop music playing, Sir Mix-A-Lot "Lady Kneecaps"]

#429

⇓

♪ I like thick knees when they bend real high ♪

#430

⇓

♪ Some brothas wanna love that thigh ♪

#431

⇓

♪ When a girl walks in better show me them shins ♪

#432

⇓

♪ And bend, lookin' like the letter "N" I get chub ♪

#433

⇓

♪ I like 'em hard and bony Not prosthetic and phony ♪

#434

⇓

♪ Much love to the honeys with glamour ♪

#435

⇓

♪ Knees be knocking like a ball-peen hammer ♪

#436

⇓

♪ I don't want them foot bones Elbows and shoulders making arms fold ♪

#437

⇓

♪ I wanna see meniscus Without knees can't be my missus ♪

#438

⇓

♪ So hike up dem pants legs ♪

#439

⇓

♪ Cuff 'em, baby, show me dem pegs ♪

#440

⇓

♪ I'm talking femur and tibia ♪

#441

⇓

♪ Jeopardy, baby, knee trivia ♪

#442

⇓

[laughs]

#443

⇓

♪ Lady kneecaps ♪

#444

⇓

[tires screeching]

#445

⇓