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Home » Family Guy » S23E04 — Lois C.K.

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 4 — Lois C.K.

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♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

movies seems seems-today today violence

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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

fashioned fashioned-values values

↓

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

rely used

↓

[all] ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

family lucky

↓

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

lucky positively

↓

♪ All the things that make us ♪

↓

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

laugh

↓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

family

↓

Open wide, here comes the airplane.

airplane comes open wide

↓

[screaming]

screaming

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We're all gonna die!

↓

Sir, please remain calm and stay soggy.

calm remain remain-calm

↓

Hail Mary full of grain, Buzz Bee is with thee.

buzz full grain hail hail-mary mary thee

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[screaming]

screaming

↓

[explosion]

explosion

↓

Wake up, Cheerio Army.

army wake

↓

General Mills is lying to you.

general lying mills

↓

The cheek crash did not happen.

cheek crash happen

↓

There's no proof of purchase, plus, oat milk can't melt steel spoons.

melt milk plus proof purchase spoons steel

↓

You know what's crazy? There were no Jewi-O's

crazy

↓

in the mouth that day.

mouth

↓

I'm not sayin' but I'm just sayin'.

sayin

↓

Hi. I'm here to audition to be your dad.

audition

↓

Oh, this isn't for the role of my dad, it's for the role of my "daddy".

daddy role

↓

[Chris muffled through door] Stewie, Mom couldn't get

chris door muffled stewie

↓

the poo stains out of your Moana onesie.

stains

↓

She says she's gonna wash it again.

wash

↓

Shut up! I'm trying to create a vibe here.

create vibe

↓

- I can explain. - Don't bother.

bother explain

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You should see the other guys.

↓

Yeah, it was a pretty weird night.

night weird

↓

I got wind!

wind

↓

♪ I like thick knees When they bend real high ♪

bend knees real thick

↓

♪ Some brothas wanna 1love that thigh ♪

thigh

↓

♪ When a girl walks in better show me them shins ♪

girl walks

↓

Then I said, "I want the booty, and I ain't talking about doubloons."

aint booty

↓

[Seamus coughs]

coughs seamus

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Ah, you look like a good crowd.

crowd

↓

Any spice merchants here tonight?

spice tonight

↓

- I'm a lawyer. - Of the high seas?

lawyer seas

↓

I handle zoning disputes.

handle zoning

↓

Then I got nothing.

↓

- [cellphone chimes] - [groans] It's Peter again.

cellphone chimes groans peter

↓

He's been texting me all night.

night texting

↓

He's so helpless when I'm not around.

helpless

↓

Hey, could you put your phone away? My parents are here tonight.

parents phone tonight

↓

Rory gave us grandchildren. Seamus gives us this.

gives grandchildren seamus

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Well, maybe if you were actually funny, I'd listen.

funny

↓

Your Davy Jones' Locker bit, thar she blows.

blows davy jones locker

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[crowd] Ooh!

crowd

↓

If you think it's easy, you should put your treasure

easy treasure

↓

- where your mouth is and go next. - No, no, I'm not a comedian.

comedian mouth

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I-I could never.

↓

Oh my gosh, you should do it, Lois.

gosh lois

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You think so?

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Yes, and not just because you're sneezing and coughing

coughing sneezing

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and I don't want you next to me.

↓

I don't know, you really think I'd be good at--

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[coughing]

coughing

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Just go!

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Hey... [laughs, snorts]

laughs snorts

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I don't really know what to talk about up here.

↓

Um, frankly, my whole life is dealing with my idiot husband, Peter.

dealing frankly husband idiot life peter whole whole-life

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I had to chisel his fat ass out of ice today.

today

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Yeah, who knew a one-inch nub could shrink?

inch shrink

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- [laughter] - That is so true.

laughter

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You don't have a man, how would you know?

↓

When my roommate falls asleep, I crank pornos.

asleep crank falls falls-asleep pornos roommate

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Most couples have an active sex life.

active couples life

↓

Peter has an Activia sex life.

life peter

↓

- [laughter] - Yeah, my husband and I,

husband laughter

↓

we enjoyed 20 happy years.

enjoyed happy years

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- Then we met. - [laughter]

laughter

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Ladies, show of hands. Huh?

hands ladies

↓

How many of you have ever faked an orgasm?

faked orgasm

↓

Okay, now how many of you have ever faked penetration?

faked penetration

↓

[laughter]

laughter

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[cheers and applause]

applause cheers

↓

Whew, I need a drink.

drink whew

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Hey, I just want to say I think you're great.

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Look, pal, I know nothing is hotter to a guy

hotter

↓

than a woman who's funnier than them, but I'm taken.

funnier taken woman

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I know, I heard your set.

heard

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Those dumb husband jokes crushed.

crushed dumb husband jokes

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Oh, God, it was such a rush up there.

rush

↓

Like when you're driving without your seat belt

belt driving seat seat-belt

↓

and the bell keeps dinging to put it on,

bell keeps

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but you just keep going because it's a short trip.

short trip

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Hey, I run a bunch of comedy clubs around the city,

bunch city clubs comedy

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and we're always looking for new talent. You interested?

interested looking talent

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Oh! [laughing]

laughing

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Well, yeah, of course.

course

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Great. Hopefully you can come up

hopefully

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with more material about that husband of yours.

husband material

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I don't know, I mean, I probably shouldn't slam my husband

husband slam

↓

like that on a regular basis.

basis regular

↓

Oh, there you are. Quick update.

quick update

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I found the mayo, but it was in a red bottle

bottle found mayo

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and they misspelled it "Drano."

↓

Everyone's outside in an ambulance when you're ready.

ambulance everyones ready

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[laughs]

laughs

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Hey, Lois, you busy? I thought we could go

busy lois

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and make hammocks for squirrels with your bras again.

bras squirrels

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They really dug it last time.

↓

Peter's a weird guy, but I like him.

peters weird

↓

Dude cares about rodent comfort.

cares comfort rodent

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That's just a fact.

fact

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Sorry, I have plans.

plans

↓

Fine, I'll go alone, but I'm taking your tampons

alone tampons

↓

to make speed bumps for snakes.

bumps snakes speed

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Hey, did you notice Lois has "had plans" a lot lately?

lately lois notice plans

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Yeah, something's definitely up.

somethings

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Last night there was adrenaline in her breastmilk.

adrenaline night

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She's been rushing through all her housework.

rushing

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Mommy, I had an oopsie.

mommy

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[Lois sniffing]

lois sniffing

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- [Stewie shouting] - [liquid sloshing]

liquid shouting stewie

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Oh.

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Hey! Get back here and do the front!

front

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This isn't right. I have to talk to her about this.

↓

Look, we both know what's going on here.

↓

So if you are cheating on Peter, maybe let me get a whack at it?

cheating peter whack

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Shoot your shot, playboy.

shoot shot

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What?! No-- I am not cheating on Peter.

cheating peter

↓

But, well, I have been hiding something.

hiding

↓

I've been doing stand-up for the past few weeks.

past stand weeks

↓

Ah, I even came up with a great stage name,

name stage

↓

"Lois the Crowd Killer," but it was too long for the marquee,

crowd killer lois

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so I shortened it to "Lois C.K."

lois

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Are you still, like, uh, workshopping that?

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No, and I'm trying to keep it low-key.

↓

The routines, well, they're about my life,

life routines

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and, you know, Peter may not like what he hears.

hears peter

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Ah, commenting on the human condition.

condition human

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You know, George Carlin once said--

george

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Yeah, we're all on Facebook, Brian.

brian facebook

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Anyway, I'm doing stand-up,

stand

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you're not a part of this, don't tell Peter.

part peter

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[inaudible]

inaudible

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[squeaks]

squeaks

↓

[sirens wailing]

sirens sirens-wailing wailing

↓

Can you believe these firemen risk their lives

believe lives risk

↓

to save people like that? They are so brave.

brave save

↓

[scoffs] You want to talk about brave?

brave scoffs

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Try getting paid to tell jokes.

jokes paid

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- Sure, I-I guess. - That's something, too.

↓

I am a sherpa,

↓

guiding you into the places in your mind you're afraid to go.

afraid guiding mind places

↓

See, comics are philosophers.

comics

↓

We hold up a mirror to society and say, "Look."

mirror society

↓

I don't do jokes. I do truth.

jokes truth

↓

[screams]

screams

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The first time I touched that mic, it was like a religious experience,

experience religious touched

↓

if I believed in religion, which I don't.

believed religion

↓

They're all sheep, praying to the invisible man in the sky.

invisible praying sheep

↓

As you can see, I did not pull that punch.

pull punch

↓

Ew, is that what I sound like with book stuff?

book sound stuff

↓

- 'Fraid so, Bri. - Oh, God.

↓

Oh, I got a tag for that.

↓

After "God," you should say,

↓

"If it's the Last Supper, then there better be dessert."

dessert supper

↓

- I don't get it. - Yeah, it's pretty heady.

↓

Hey, I'd love to keep talking bits,

bits love

↓

but I need to go listen to my set

↓

to see if my voice sounds as shrill as that incel Reddit page says.

page shrill sounds voice

↓

It must be hard knowing that Lois achieved her dream so fast,

achieved dream fast hard knowing lois must

↓

while your writing career has gone nowhere.

career gone writing

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I'll have you know that my book was recently picked up...

book picked recently

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on garbage day.

garbage

↓

Lois was cleaning out the garage.

cleaning garage lois

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Face it, she's lapping you, bro.

face

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Her new name is "Ois," 'cause you took the "L".

name

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Boom! Mark it on the burn board.

board boom burn mark

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- [bell dings] - [slurping]

bell bell-dings dings slurping

↓

Get it together, Chrissy.

chrissy

↓

You can burn with the big boys. You're the golden child.

boys burn child golden

↓

Okay, here goes.

↓

You're a dog that does people things.

↓

Rachel, come on, you know me.

rachel

↓

I went to your sister's wedding.

sisters wedding

↓

Stewie?

stewie

↓

I told you not to send your kid to private school.

private school send

↓

You're never gonna believe this--

believe

↓

The tennis ball is still in your hand when you fake a throw?

ball fake hand tennis tennis-ball throw

↓

You're right, I don't believe it.

believe

↓

No. I'm getting a NETCCF special.

special

↓

- You mean "Netflix"? - No, NETCCF.

netflix

↓

The New England Theater Conference Comedy Festival.

comedy conference england festival theater

↓

It's the biggest mid-Atlantic regional comedy event

atlantic biggest comedy event regional

↓

in the greater Rhode Island area.

area greater island rhode rhode-island

↓

They're gonna run my special on Channel 385.

channel special

↓

And-and that's... good?

↓

It'll be on after the City Council meeting where the camera drifts slowly to the left

camera city council itll left meeting slowly

↓

until it's fully facing the wall, so you tell me.

facing fully wall

↓

Oh! If it goes well, they might even sell the special to Fupi.

might sell special

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- I-- Is that an Asian dish? - It's a streamer.

asian dish

↓

Any two nonsense syllables are a streamer.

nonsense

↓

- Ah-choo. - Oh, I love their shows.

choo love shows

↓

Break out the Kleenex.

break kleenex

↓

Congrats, Lois.

congrats lois

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This special sounds like a really big deal. Do you feel ready?

deal ready sounds special

↓

Uh, actually, no.

↓

It tapes next week, and they want a whole hour.

hour tapes week whole

↓

I'm gonna need way more material.

material

↓

Who knows, maybe you'll get lucky

knows lucky

↓

and Peter will screw up more than usual this week.

peter screw usual week

↓

Hmm. Screw up more than usual...

screw usual

↓

- Next round's on me, boys. - Geez, Peter,

boys geez peter rounds

↓

you're throwing around some serious coin tonight.

coin serious throwing tonight

↓

Usually, you buy one drink for the table

drink table usually

↓

and put four straws in, so we'd drink it together

drink four straws

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like in an Archie comic.

archie comic

↓

Lois gave me a bunch of cash to get as drunk as I want

bunch cash drunk lois

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and just do whatever pops into my head.

head pops

↓

Wait, those belonged to a man?

belonged

↓

Well, now I feel like the boob.

boob

↓

Peter, you need to see what Bonnie just posted on Facebook.

bonnie facebook peter posted

↓

More bikini shots already? I'm still working through the last batch.

batch bikini shots working

↓

- Emphasis on batch. - Giggity.

batch giggity

↓

He's so dumb he hit his head

dumb head

↓

trying to dive into his ocean screensaver.

dive ocean

↓

I didn't know Lois was doing comedy, but that's hilarious.

comedy hilarious lois

↓

This guy she's talking about sounds like a real dope.

dope real sounds

↓

[laughs] He couldn't satisfy his wife on their wedding night.

laughs night satisfy wedding wife

↓

Huh, she just held up a picture of me.

held picture

↓

Probably to show what the cuck doesn't look like.

cuck

↓

How do we break it to him?

break

↓

Well, he's not getting it verbally, so we're gonna have to do ASL.

↓

How dare you, Lois!

dare lois

↓

You have made a complete fool out of me.

complete fool

↓

And after I worked my fingers to the bone

bone fingers worked

↓

- renovating our bathroom. - About that,

bathroom

↓

why did you mount the toilet on the ceiling?

ceiling mount toilet

↓

The blueprints were upside down.

upside

↓

See? This is what I'm talking about.

↓

Your whole life is a joke. Excuse me for noticing.

excuse joke life noticing whole whole-life

↓

For God's sake, you were the first video on 2017's Epic Rope Swing Fails.

epic fails gods gods-sake rope sake swing video

↓

You think Harry Potter was based on a true story.

based harry harry-potter potter story

↓

Don't twist my words. I said, "There are probably wizard schools."

schools twist wizard words

↓

Look, Peter, for years I've had to put a good face on

face peter years

↓

while you act like an ignorant, impulsive child.

child ignorant

↓

And it is exhausting!

exhausting

↓

I finally found a way to turn my pain into art,

finally finally-found found pain

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and nothing is gonna stop me

↓

because Lois C.K. is standing in the doorway of comedy,

comedy lois standing

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and you're gonna watch me until I erupt... with jokes.

erupt jokes watch

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We'll see how funny you are

funny

↓

when you don't have this idiot to make fun of anymore.

anymore fun idiot

↓

Good morrow, family.

family

↓

Christopher. Stewart. Megan. Dogglas. Loisabeth.

christopher megan stewart

↓

Hmm...

↓

In a right triangle, the sine of a given angle

angle given triangle

↓

is equal to the ratio of the side opposite that angle to the hypotenuse.

angle equal opposite ratio side

↓

And a hypotenuse is not a math hippo.

hippo math

↓

So you lied to me?

lied

↓

I-I just always wanted a family,

family wanted

↓

and I thought that this could be my way in.

↓

Is that even your visor?

↓

I stole it off a blackjack dealer.

dealer stole

↓

He didn't chase me because it was too sad.

chase

↓

- And how are your studies? - Oh, I'm all automotive now.

studies

↓

I spend my days under a Dodge Charger and evenings in the back seat.

days dodge evenings seat spend

↓

Always a pleasure chatting with you.

chatting pleasure

↓

- I saved the comics for you, Dad. - No, thank you.

comics saved

↓

Today I'll be reading the funny business section.

business funny funny-business reading section today

↓

"Lasagna Futures Tumble in Worst Monday Ever."

futures lasagna monday tumble worst

↓

I warned him to diversify into other noodles.

warned

↓

Could you pass the Fiber One?

fiber pass

↓

If you'll excuse me, a man from Craigslist is here

craigslist excuse

↓

to buy my box of shenanigans.

shenanigans

↓

Whatever this is, it won't last. Buffoonery is in your blood.

blood

↓

Why, aorta...

↓

Okay, we caught the escaped giraffe,

caught escaped giraffe

↓

but who's gonna ride him back to the zoo?

ride

↓

Oh, what do you say, Peter?

peter

↓

Would you rather ride the giraffe, or take our sensible family car?

family giraffe ride sensible

↓

[starts engine]

engine starts

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[tires screeching]

screeching tires tires-screeching

↓

Bring me to the park, I want to dunk.

bring dunk park

↓

He'll never be able to keep it up.

able

↓

He's kept it up.

↓

My stand-up special is next week and I am desperate for material.

desperate material special stand week

↓

Peter's given me squat. He is drier than a Triscuit.

drier given peters squat

↓

[cell phone rings, chimes]

cell cell-phone cell-phone-rings chimes phone phone-rings rings

↓

Hey, how do I delete Grown Ups 3 off the DVR

delete grown

↓

to make room for Ken Burns' Dust Bowl?

bowl burns dust dust-bowl room

↓

I don't want to miss the episode on Okie migration.

episode miss

↓

He's been like this all week.

week

↓

Last night, he gave his whoopie cushion a Viking funeral.

cushion funeral night whoopie

↓

[extended farting sound]

farting sound

↓

Maybe you need to broaden out your topics.

topics

↓

The audience just wants to hear about your life.

audience life wants

↓

Y-you're right, Bon.

↓

A good stand-up can make anything funny.

funny stand

↓

I'm gonna start right now.

start

↓

This is really great, women supporting women.

supporting women

↓

I couldn't agree more.

agree

↓

Us ladies need to stick together.

ladies stick

↓

Absolutely. We can't let petty differences divide us.

absolutely differences divide petty

↓

Five minutes, Missus G.

five five-minutes minutes missus

↓

I told you to stop peeking your head in

head peeking

↓

and just fully enter.

enter fully

↓

Sorry, Missus G. I'm self-conscious about my legs.

conscious legs missus self self-conscious

↓

- Hey, is dad coming tonight? - Oh, I don't think so.

coming tonight

↓

He's being a little bitch about my jokes about him being a little bitch.

bitch jokes

↓

Time to go live on Instagram to service my fans.

fans instagram live service

↓

Wha-wha-what up, Lois hive.

hive lois

↓

I'm about to tape my first special.

special tape

↓

Thanks to all my Lo-Hoes out there for supporting your girl.

girl hoes supporting thanks

↓

[kisses] We out here.

kisses

↓

Am I using that right, Meg?

using

↓

[Meg] I don't know, I'm a dork, too.

dork

↓

Okay, this is a sponsored post,

post sponsored

↓

so I'd like to give a shout-out thank you

shout

↓

to Dr. Violet's Feminine De-Musting Powder.

feminine powder

↓

When you're musty, it's a must.

must

↓

[announcer] Now, give it up for the Husband Slayer: Lois C.K.

announcer husband lois

↓

- [cheering] - How you feeling tonight, Quahog?

cheering feeling quahog tonight

↓

Ha-ha! Let's get right into it.

↓

So, the other day, Peter sits me down...

peter sits

↓

Ooh, here it comes, I bet she's about to say

comes

↓

something derogatory about his genitals.

derogatory genitals

↓

She's also clever about his obesity.

clever obesity

↓

My father died this morning, but I bought the tickets before that.

bought died father father-died morning tickets

↓

No, he wanted to review this year's tax code

code review wanted years

↓

to look for additional deductions.

additional

↓

Well, how about deducting all those receipts

receipts

↓

from my kitchen table?

kitchen kitchen-table table

↓

Ya too messy!

messy

↓

These are theater chairs, they're not supposed to swivel.

chairs supposed theater

↓

Huh, weird.

weird

↓

- Did you break our chair? - I improved your chair.

break chair improved

↓

Actually, my whole street is full of weirdos.

full street weirdos whole

↓

So my crippled neighbor, he's a real jerk.

crippled jerk neighbor real

↓

He's so handicapped, he gets to park inside the bank.

bank handicapped park

↓

Ya too messy!

messy

↓

[man coughs]

coughs

↓

Huh. Is this thing on?

↓

Oh, I'm on, honey. They can hear youse just fine.

honey youse

↓

Okay, you're gonna love this one.

love

↓

So there's this predator next door

door predator

↓

that we still hang out with even though he hurts women.

hang hurts women

↓

[laughs] I-I'm still working on the punchline for that one.

laughs working

↓

- Ginger bitch. - Married a loser 'cause she's a loser.

bitch ginger loser married

↓

[man 2] My dad died during knee surgery.

died knee surgery

↓

Please, stop. Look, I-I just want to make you laugh.

laugh

↓

Well, we don't like your jokes,

jokes

↓

and Will Smith said we're allowed to hit comics.

allowed comics smith

↓

[clamoring]

clamoring

↓

Whoa, hey, hey, guys, I just wanted her to bomb, but not this.

bomb wanted whoa

↓

This is what bombing is now. Beatings are the new boos.

beatings bombing boos

↓

Look, I-I know you've all had or will have

↓

two drinks at minimum, but please, calm down.

calm drinks minimum

↓

- Hey, you gonna huck that? - I'm still working on it.

huck working

↓

Aw.

↓

- What's with the flimsy cans? - We drink hard seltzer now.

cans drink hard

↓

Ugh, at least go get beer bottles to throw like a respectable rioter.

beer bottles least respectable throw

↓

Oh, my God, Peter.

peter

↓

All this time, I was belittling you,

↓

but you did what I wasn't willing to do for you:

willing

↓

protect my spouse from public ridicule when--

protect public spouse

↓

Crap, we only got eight seconds left in tonight's episode.

eight episode left seconds tonights

↓

You don't have to be smart for me or serious.

serious smart

↓

I married you for who you are, a good husband.

husband married

↓

And I married you 'cause you did mouth stuff in the car.

married mouth stuff

↓

but overall, that's not really who you are.

overall

↓

Hey, I'm-I'm sorry for ruining your special, Lois.

lois ruining special

↓

Oh, that's okay, it all worked out.

worked

↓

They actually ended up giving it to Joe instead.

ended giving

↓

Boy, I'm glad I'm not a cop in DC, I'd be writing tickets for gridlock.

glad tickets writing

↓

You know what DC stands for? "Dumb Congress."

congress dumb stands

↓

Hey, three congressmen walked into a bar.

three walked

↓

Nothing happened.

happened

↓

You know, you don't have to clap after every joke.

clap joke

↓

I'd prefer if you laughed.

laughed prefer

↓

Stop that!

↓

♪ And bend, lookin' like the letter "N" I get chub ♪

bend letter lookin

Combined Images

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