Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 4 — Lois C K

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♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
#1
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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪
#2
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
#3
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[all] ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
#4
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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪
#5
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
#6
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
#7
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[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪
#8
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[Lois humming]
#9
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Wow, someone seems happy today.
#10
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Damn right. Today's the big day.
#11
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You're getting off parole?
#12
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Does this mean I can finally stop giving you my pee?
#13
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Not yet, so stay off drugs and keep that hose flowing.
#14
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[Chris groans]
#15
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Tonight is girls' night.
#16
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Women's night. You're all in your 40s.
#17
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We're going to an "I love the '90s" concert.
#18
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I cannot wait to mumble the rap lyrics I'm not supposed to say.
#19
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Hey, chief. Cooking up a little hijinks there?
#20
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Yeah, me and the guys are gonna make nonconsensual prank videos
#21
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by dumping marbles at the park.
#22
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It'll be hilarious, once we edit out the ambulances.
#23
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Just make sure you're back by 5:00.
#24
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You need to watch Stewie while I'm out with the girls.
#25
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- Women. - I'll be back, don't worry.
#26
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Don't blow this, fat man.
#27
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You're already on thin ice since you crashed that airplane into my cheek.
#28
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Open wide, here comes the airplane.
#29
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[screaming]
#30
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We're all gonna die!
#31
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Sir, please remain calm and stay soggy.
#32
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Hail Mary full of grain, Buzz Bee is with thee.
#33
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[screaming]
#34
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[explosion]
#35
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Wake up, Cheerio Army.
#36
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General Mills is lying to you.
#37
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The cheek crash did not happen.
#38
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There's no proof of purchase, plus, oat milk can't melt steel spoons.
#39
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You know what's crazy? There were no Jewi-O's
#40
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in the mouth that day.
#41
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I'm not sayin' but I'm just sayin'.
#42
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Where the hell is Peter? He was supposed to be here
#43
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to watch Stewie two hours ago.
#44
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Yeah poor kid feels so let down, he started auditioning new dads.
#45
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Hi. I'm here to audition to be your dad.
#46
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Oh, this isn't for the role of my dad, it's for the role of my "daddy".
#47
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[Chris muffled through door] Stewie, Mom couldn't get
#48
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the poo stains out of your Moana onesie.
#49
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She says she's gonna wash it again.
#50
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Shut up! I'm trying to create a vibe here.
#51
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[cell phone chimes]
#52
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Oh, damn it I'm missing the moment of silence
#53
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for Kurt Cobain and the other Manilli.
#54
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- I can explain. - Don't bother.
#55
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You should see the other guys.
#56
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Yeah, it was a pretty weird night.
#57
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I got wind!
#58
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- Peter stuck in ice again? - Yeah.
#59
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Uh-uh, I said no boobie bills.
#60
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Nipples all mushed up on Ben Franklin.
#61
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And that's exactly why I invented eyeglasses.
#62
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Oh, I can't believe Peter ruined my whole evening.
#63
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Did Sir Mix-A-Lot go on yet?
#64
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Yeah, but he's already burned through his hits,
#65
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so now he's doing an awful "Baby Got Back" remix about knees.
#66
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♪ I like thick knees When they bend real high ♪
#67
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♪ Some brothas wanna 1love that thigh ♪
#68
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♪ When a girl walks in better show me them shins ♪
#69
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♪ And bend, lookin' like the letter "N," I get chub. ♪
#70
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[lively chatter]
#71
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Ah, it's so nice to hang at our regular bar
#72
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that everyone is familiar with.
#73
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What's with the schlubby white boys with notebooks in here?
#74
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Looking like Josh Gad's stenographer.
#75
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Oh, no, tonight's open mic night.
#76
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These comics are always so hacky.
#77
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Then I said, "I want the booty, and I ain't talking about doubloons."
#78
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[Seamus coughs]
#79
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Ah, you look like a good crowd.
#80
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Any spice merchants here tonight?
#81
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- I'm a lawyer. - Of the high seas?
#82
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I handle zoning disputes.
#83
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Then I got nothing.
#84
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- [cellphone chimes] - [groans] It's Peter again.
#85
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He's been texting me all night.
#86
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He's so helpless when I'm not around.
#87
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Hey, could you put your phone away? My parents are here tonight.
#88
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Rory gave us grandchildren. Seamus gives us this.
#89
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Well, maybe if you were actually funny, I'd listen.
#90
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Your Davy Jones' Locker bit, thar she blows.
#91
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[crowd] Ooh!
#92
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If you think it's easy, you should put your treasure
#93
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- where your mouth is and go next. - No, no, I'm not a comedian.
#94
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I-I could never.
#95
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Oh my gosh, you should do it, Lois.
#96
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You think so?
#97
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Yes, and not just because you're sneezing and coughing
#98
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and I don't want you next to me.
#99
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I don't know, you really think I'd be good at--
#100
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[coughing]
#101
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Just go!
#102
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Hey... [laughs, snorts]
#103
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I don't really know what to talk about up here.
#104
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Um, frankly, my whole life is dealing with my idiot husband, Peter.
#105
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I had to chisel his fat ass out of ice today.
#106
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Yeah, who knew a one-inch nub could shrink?
#107
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- [laughter] - That is so true.
#108
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You don't have a man, how would you know?
#109
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When my roommate falls asleep, I crank pornos.
#110
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Most couples have an active sex life.
#111
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Peter has an Activia sex life.
#112
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- [laughter] - Yeah, my husband and I,
#113
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we enjoyed 20 happy years.
#114
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- Then we met. - [laughter]
#115
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Ladies, show of hands. Huh?
#116
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How many of you have ever faked an orgasm?
#117
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Okay, now how many of you have ever faked penetration?
#118
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[laughter]
#119
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[cheers and applause]
#120
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Whew, I need a drink.
#121
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Hey, I just want to say I think you're great.
#122
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Look, pal, I know nothing is hotter to a guy
#123
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than a woman who's funnier than them, but I'm taken.
#124
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I know, I heard your set.
#125
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Those dumb husband jokes crushed.
#126
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Oh, God, it was such a rush up there.
#127
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Like when you're driving without your seat belt
#128
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and the bell keeps dinging to put it on,
#129
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but you just keep going because it's a short trip.
#130
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Hey, I run a bunch of comedy clubs around the city,
#131
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and we're always looking for new talent. You interested?
#132
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Oh! [laughing]
#133
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Well, yeah, of course.
#134
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Great. Hopefully you can come up
#135
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with more material about that husband of yours.
#136
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I don't know, I mean, I probably shouldn't slam my husband
#137
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like that on a regular basis.
#138
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Oh, there you are. Quick update.
#139
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I found the mayo, but it was in a red bottle
#140
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and they misspelled it "Drano."
#141
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Everyone's outside in an ambulance when you're ready.
#142
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[laughs]
#143
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Hey, Lois, you busy? I thought we could go
#144
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and make hammocks for squirrels with your bras again.
#145
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They really dug it last time.
#146
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Peter's a weird guy, but I like him.
#147
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Dude cares about rodent comfort.
#148
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That's just a fact.
#149
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Sorry, I have plans.
#150
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Fine, I'll go alone, but I'm taking your tampons
#151
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to make speed bumps for snakes.
#152
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Hey, did you notice Lois has "had plans" a lot lately?
#153
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Yeah, something's definitely up.
#154
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Last night there was adrenaline in her breastmilk.
#155
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She's been rushing through all her housework.
#156
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Mommy, I had an oopsie.
#157
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[Lois sniffing]
#158
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- [Stewie shouting] - [liquid sloshing]
#159
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Oh.
#160
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Hey! Get back here and do the front!
#161
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This isn't right. I have to talk to her about this.
#162
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Look, we both know what's going on here.
#163
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So if you are cheating on Peter, maybe let me get a whack at it?
#164
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Shoot your shot, playboy.
#165
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What?! No-- I am not cheating on Peter.
#166
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But, well, I have been hiding something.
#167
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I've been doing stand-up for the past few weeks.
#168
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Ah, I even came up with a great stage name,
#169
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"Lois the Crowd Killer," but it was too long for the marquee,
#170
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so I shortened it to "Lois C.K."
#171
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Are you still, like, uh, workshopping that?
#172
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No, and I'm trying to keep it low-key.
#173
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The routines, well, they're about my life,
#174
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and, you know, Peter may not like what he hears.
#175
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Ah, commenting on the human condition.
#176
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You know, George Carlin once said--
#177
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Yeah, we're all on Facebook, Brian.
#178
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Anyway, I'm doing stand-up,
#179
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you're not a part of this, don't tell Peter.
#180
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[inaudible]
#181
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[squeaks]
#182
9e9932d1-0b33-4977-9052-35bf0f98fa17.gif
[sirens wailing]
#183
6c2b4cdc-3abc-4017-9094-3d00a2d17b51.gif
Can you believe these firemen risk their lives
#184
eeab6fe1-e959-47ec-8274-f5debe202a7d.gif
to save people like that? They are so brave.
#185
3f6140d9-7675-4ecf-a95c-c1c510d1aa56.gif
[scoffs] You want to talk about brave?
#186
d0431493-5b30-4220-b6b0-1b3701792b3b.gif
Try getting paid to tell jokes.
#187
88414edc-730d-461b-82af-96031a6ac8c0.gif
- Sure, I-I guess. - That's something, too.
#188
6286cecb-f83a-4bfd-8d9b-4aaa871cd372.gif
I am a sherpa,
#189
f9a35e21-b7d4-47fd-beac-7cf1aa643d0a.gif
guiding you into the places in your mind you're afraid to go.
#190
d21cd60b-2832-4b10-9fa7-f4bea1870479.gif
See, comics are philosophers.
#191
674e9f5d-4929-4678-9e8d-c5b2da3f0e67.gif
We hold up a mirror to society and say, "Look."
#192
086fe8c7-0d1e-4ab3-896e-372306420661.gif
I don't do jokes. I do truth.
#193
c79173d9-da92-4152-be51-ef0d1d5f5a0c.gif
[screams]
#194
b5a81d29-092d-4525-8ac9-4d3e60983586.gif
The first time I touched that mic, it was like a religious experience,
#195
4897bcc4-713d-48d2-b94c-0b9f52c9a34a.gif
if I believed in religion, which I don't.
#196
1b822ef8-abe0-4ce0-9c71-d136bb2c17ba.gif
They're all sheep, praying to the invisible man in the sky.
#197
8451287e-a375-4a2d-bc3d-3384b92609e6.gif
As you can see, I did not pull that punch.
#198
93cb2b5e-7266-47c8-8a29-ec237b10b715.gif
Ew, is that what I sound like with book stuff?
#199
77359ee0-7be1-4c76-a996-1672fbc3640c.gif
- 'Fraid so, Bri. - Oh, God.
#200
c3567f2f-ed93-4abc-98bf-9ee794e986ef.gif
Oh, I got a tag for that.
#201
6d26af03-3ab2-4b57-afa9-12b4ca447ae4.gif
After "God," you should say,
#202
9bc7160c-7de2-4eb3-abbe-18780825e125.gif
"If it's the Last Supper, then there better be dessert."
#203
cad9cd42-ea7a-4cff-85ba-458fd5a255fe.gif
- I don't get it. - Yeah, it's pretty heady.
#204
bced33fb-2fda-4599-a370-401300cad98d.gif
Hey, I'd love to keep talking bits,
#205
7d6688eb-29b8-4758-8e85-e0a966dba769.gif
but I need to go listen to my set
#206
3517c005-f5da-4aed-aeb7-81598077723d.gif
to see if my voice sounds as shrill as that incel Reddit page says.
#207
c4c02386-0f78-4545-a9a4-17c23e36129e.gif
It must be hard knowing that Lois achieved her dream so fast,
#208
536031d3-4a4b-4925-a201-618a6aedc4f6.gif
while your writing career has gone nowhere.
#209
254d0e2d-b354-419b-b757-1ea24bce6847.gif
I'll have you know that my book was recently picked up...
#210
4095f7c2-4c08-4694-9195-4a8c07845e90.gif
on garbage day.
#211
757a203b-96d1-4236-a842-a81a2f1a42ad.gif
Lois was cleaning out the garage.
#212
f6777af8-d639-4d31-a105-96271ec6ab35.gif
Face it, she's lapping you, bro.
#213
f4f2815a-37ee-4cc2-9c32-96f52e7ac355.gif
Her new name is "Ois," 'cause you took the "L".
#214
f6350243-7d73-4e26-8d80-452cd11da3c6.gif
Boom! Mark it on the burn board.
#215
358d6c15-efd0-4c47-80ff-6136dcd20577.gif
- [bell dings] - [slurping]
#216
dd818578-b1ad-472e-a1d1-aa2c8813594d.gif
Get it together, Chrissy.
#217
9cd53c6c-109c-448b-9e1a-4e8edd9ddb36.gif
You can burn with the big boys. You're the golden child.
#218
bb9ed0dc-62a0-4dc5-a189-ff857fd3564a.gif
Okay, here goes.
#219
fcd2ba79-df6b-43fd-9b2c-535284697afa.gif
You're a dog that does people things.
#220
e2d31a7e-db79-4179-ab5e-95be8b884d56.gif
Rachel, come on, you know me.
#221
b6efb506-e11e-488c-9f22-30df74142d4c.gif
I went to your sister's wedding.
#222
8f33aa7d-a222-4fb9-a450-7fe1cb0ff844.gif
Stewie?
#223
23b1f294-126e-41db-afc7-dfb9edef25e1.gif
I told you not to send your kid to private school.
#224
06805f45-7529-4626-b27e-6f605813764e.gif
You're never gonna believe this--
#225
70ca87f6-b517-42eb-9018-d9dcc42d8fc0.gif
The tennis ball is still in your hand when you fake a throw?
#226
de2f986f-7392-468f-8256-c060cdef3cf6.gif
You're right, I don't believe it.
#227
8b5202f2-581c-416d-a609-264d5b0fdc08.gif
No. I'm getting a NETCCF special.
#228
42587152-bb0e-4eb2-89d4-2258fb5b9acd.gif
- You mean "Netflix"? - No, NETCCF.
#229
cf7a99d6-3abf-4d5f-a283-ee2ae9185193.gif
The New England Theater Conference Comedy Festival.
#230
487c7a3a-9b35-4d96-97e6-2746c1abef49.gif
It's the biggest mid-Atlantic regional comedy event
#231
b0ea1ec9-702f-4876-940b-5fae1f60b018.gif
in the greater Rhode Island area.
#232
b2e6bddc-2b74-4d77-b4f6-0353b0d94754.gif
They're gonna run my special on Channel 385.
#233
9b158110-e18d-4326-b5f3-c7e0f2e81da1.gif
And-and that's... good?
#234
3aeb732e-ea77-43e4-88c9-3bc7c8f86f70.gif
It'll be on after the City Council meeting where the camera drifts slowly to the left
#235
d74f0bfe-90d1-465b-bf74-f3bf7e9fca9b.gif
until it's fully facing the wall, so you tell me.
#236
6d2ca2da-8e7e-444e-9174-5f873c1f5164.gif
Oh! If it goes well, they might even sell the special to Fupi.
#237
a01012e1-ea2c-4c85-9902-17d73d55ecdb.gif
- I-- Is that an Asian dish? - It's a streamer.
#238
1a6db127-2dbe-4f38-8338-7068c80bde44.gif
Any two nonsense syllables are a streamer.
#239
e0983295-f4bb-4c2f-8980-48b5eca55396.gif
- Ah-choo. - Oh, I love their shows.
#240
041f1a4c-91c6-46ab-ae1c-f06e0460905f.gif
Break out the Kleenex.
#241
ac47cbda-1dc4-4a20-aad9-52b474306918.gif
Congrats, Lois.
#242
42e8d2ba-72ee-462c-8bca-e17832ddbe24.gif
This special sounds like a really big deal. Do you feel ready?
#243
c4bafe7c-f144-476f-b172-ce9b4c314471.gif
Uh, actually, no.
#244
6c35aec0-1d88-419d-b457-a35a4abcb05c.gif
It tapes next week, and they want a whole hour.
#245
ee6e2556-d9c7-4b95-a184-a2f0d15e3620.gif
I'm gonna need way more material.
#246
feab44f0-9673-42b6-bba4-74555b5ec759.gif
Who knows, maybe you'll get lucky
#247
94b847c7-1cec-4b1d-bf25-ccd8c68fa019.gif
and Peter will screw up more than usual this week.
#248
152b987e-1aad-4964-8793-e14bcf9f6bf6.gif
Hmm. Screw up more than usual...
#249
ebb6a421-b592-4a4e-8cf4-69bfb80d93ff.gif
- Next round's on me, boys. - Geez, Peter,
#250
2544c8bc-6a30-4e84-871b-0a9573e1255e.gif
you're throwing around some serious coin tonight.
#251
cc737ce0-a2e6-499d-8eac-3ad7333e3c78.gif
Usually, you buy one drink for the table
#252
678d89cf-8ed5-4390-8870-9762a67bf816.gif
and put four straws in, so we'd drink it together
#253
bb3cf290-7ded-4080-b61f-d6ef7aa09994.gif
like in an Archie comic.
#254
8e43feb8-c512-49ba-83e4-7863797cf0e6.gif
Lois gave me a bunch of cash to get as drunk as I want
#255
457815ef-b84f-4e49-99bb-a0c7219e7993.gif
and just do whatever pops into my head.
#256
35dad35d-0d46-47e6-ab4e-0fd8c4582494.gif
Wait, those belonged to a man?
#257
32256d8f-ed5e-4105-b8d4-b6216d1504cf.gif
Well, now I feel like the boob.
#258
d32de317-ce88-454c-8dc0-60453d14142c.gif
[woman singing]
#259
5812fd9e-5034-4df3-9c8e-6c3f21d01067.gif
I did.
#260
3f7c010b-c3ba-4f1a-99d2-d61bce3749e3.gif
Peter, you need to see what Bonnie just posted on Facebook.
#261
fd1c1011-cf16-4f0d-a5b5-3ec502dd710f.gif
More bikini shots already? I'm still working through the last batch.
#262
b61848a7-8b8c-404c-9bfa-437bf7b0b787.gif
- Emphasis on batch. - Giggity.
#263
1d4c67b6-7b9e-4a09-a6ae-b2c3feea4406.gif
He's so dumb he hit his head
#264
5ca99c4c-5162-4712-bb64-d1048abf4723.gif
trying to dive into his ocean screensaver.
#265
a8d20bb7-f749-45d6-bb24-da0b6713b2d1.gif
I didn't know Lois was doing comedy, but that's hilarious.
#266
06fcfbea-7512-44ba-9abf-4d6fba3d3d67.gif
This guy she's talking about sounds like a real dope.
#267
94d00143-f502-4849-a509-84467a824570.gif
[laughs] He couldn't satisfy his wife on their wedding night.
#268
9af86389-90ee-4987-bbfb-cc42f86dfb25.gif
Huh, she just held up a picture of me.
#269
80ce41bb-a1a4-4367-b9a0-756502f259d3.gif
Probably to show what the cuck doesn't look like.
#270
d129d8e6-f567-4ed7-8345-866116cdf772.gif
How do we break it to him?
#271
1f3a9d68-8aa0-4210-ac58-8bd21ad87efa.gif
Well, he's not getting it verbally, so we're gonna have to do ASL.
#272
001cfe14-e2a0-4051-9df1-90dadf553f13.gif
Hey, Peter...
#273
8dc55f07-2a29-4f14-8fe4-630a0bc56c4a.gif
How dare you, Lois!
#274
787e20f4-87bd-449d-8a6c-fd0658589804.gif
You have made a complete fool out of me.
#275
eaed269a-eb06-436b-a337-a156b76a0256.gif
And after I worked my fingers to the bone
#276
71edad86-6596-4b39-9166-a0247e5b52f2.gif
- renovating our bathroom. - About that,
#277
ed06ebf5-ccde-48fc-a82c-c0a315e2096d.gif
why did you mount the toilet on the ceiling?
#278
07922105-1060-4f10-8397-b6311be5064b.gif
The blueprints were upside down.
#279
37933ce8-e9fd-46b5-83ca-a29d4b781cca.gif
See? This is what I'm talking about.
#280
5a05e740-4691-4db8-a884-43fc102eb910.gif
Your whole life is a joke. Excuse me for noticing.
#281
efeafd73-b060-445a-a78d-ccbacc0a5cde.gif
For God's sake, you were the first video on 2017's Epic Rope Swing Fails.
#282
80f566a6-7bf4-4d09-a65e-a074b5c70d38.gif
You think Harry Potter was based on a true story.
#283
2af927f2-11d8-4cca-9758-9c8386a57496.gif
Don't twist my words. I said, "There are probably wizard schools."
#284
4dedaa8b-d457-49b6-9fe5-8f912aeef6cb.gif
Look, Peter, for years I've had to put a good face on
#285
eedc76f7-892d-433c-9fae-d1aeb0d8cd9c.gif
while you act like an ignorant, impulsive child.
#286
58d78031-6bd2-419b-a1ba-2514e5775416.gif
And it is exhausting!
#287
ec6ca36c-7fdf-4e29-92b9-a36bb71aa9ec.gif
I finally found a way to turn my pain into art,
#288
93947dcc-0601-4e39-9000-cc6b5ad29fb1.gif
and nothing is gonna stop me
#289
bf06a455-482f-4209-a633-104fa33cc1d5.gif
because Lois C.K. is standing in the doorway of comedy,
#290
7117b70b-42e9-4e97-bff7-87b4a0653c4c.gif
and you're gonna watch me until I erupt... with jokes.
#291
d1cd75c1-dc87-4b3f-8718-958c93ac90bf.gif
We'll see how funny you are
#292
c2038d65-24e5-492f-987d-17f48121ecfd.gif
when you don't have this idiot to make fun of anymore.
#293
38d5ed8d-5894-4900-a660-e9ef339c2556.gif
Good morrow, family.
#294
28bcb3f0-7dcf-40ea-9865-d6b40940c431.gif
Christopher. Stewart. Megan. Dogglas. Loisabeth.
#295
907c5622-427b-4c8d-ba37-fc444ee15df0.gif
Hmm...
#296
c327c723-fa39-4df0-a8b5-c7a55b6aa3a3.gif
In a right triangle, the sine of a given angle
#297
d86efd9e-3231-4f0a-b051-b594f5ec3cc0.gif
is equal to the ratio of the side opposite that angle to the hypotenuse.
#298
418817f9-6d07-4092-bfab-7c4607e1e7db.gif
And a hypotenuse is not a math hippo.
#299
3ba0099c-bfa4-4696-897b-35c0a0770a53.gif
So you lied to me?
#300
85c27723-9a29-404e-9826-184f2dd5d487.gif
I-I just always wanted a family,
#301
fa13757b-eff8-4670-8ef9-c2930e795303.gif
and I thought that this could be my way in.
#302
c90da4da-e910-4f4f-90f7-d1b143839107.gif
Is that even your visor?
#303
9ab977c1-658a-49e1-8f5f-3248ce17e95b.gif
I stole it off a blackjack dealer.
#304
01add338-3dbe-454d-9cc5-dfb5a9a8f707.gif
He didn't chase me because it was too sad.
#305
ddf68984-b645-46a3-813d-68172ffa9474.gif
- And how are your studies? - Oh, I'm all automotive now.
#306
45385d5c-d611-4c06-ada9-6b318f1f6eee.gif
I spend my days under a Dodge Charger and evenings in the back seat.
#307
2d9282ba-b7a6-4965-8669-58d724a462b0.gif
Always a pleasure chatting with you.
#308
1b295342-8c1a-4e81-b489-000cef919f26.gif
- I saved the comics for you, Dad. - No, thank you.
#309
5b6fbf67-77fd-40f2-a628-06db6c19bbbb.gif
Today I'll be reading the funny business section.
#310
0545196b-8b08-4aaa-9a2d-22202c06a54f.gif
"Lasagna Futures Tumble in Worst Monday Ever."
#311
2d8619dd-0e65-476d-8380-a1e49c5a702f.gif
I warned him to diversify into other noodles.
#312
fba0c46f-02b2-4811-89fc-51bbd886eb3d.gif
Could you pass the Fiber One?
#313
91e048c1-04fd-4bb3-9627-74e67a7815bd.gif
They should call it Fiber Two,
#314
96eaaa19-21a9-4d38-8eb2-29df89dbdffa.gif
because of what it makes you do, right, Dad?
#315
2d6fabec-dd45-4fef-8eec-ab2da484320f.gif
Christopher! To your room, this instant.
#316
6748c8a6-8213-4566-8b50-359fd8b0f052.gif
Okay, what is going on with you today?
#317
cd5eb9b3-bc7b-48b8-b968-6ee0738d3e2e.gif
What is going on is I will no longer be your fool.
#318
8bfbc54d-0ef6-46da-9e13-28521986164c.gif
If you'll excuse me, a man from Craigslist is here
#319
b4143ab9-ac4d-47a6-a573-108c9aea2e51.gif
to buy my box of shenanigans.
#320
70fc883b-1843-47c0-8331-5ac9765265a0.gif
Whatever this is, it won't last. Buffoonery is in your blood.
#321
14b90479-3e85-4d2c-870a-8f85ee6b7dee.gif
Why, aorta...
#322
2c3c1b6d-a6cc-490a-9150-36576efa3ce7.gif
Seven brave astronauts lost their lives that day, Lois.
#323
e6014777-fc81-48e6-9964-c06da13c85d4.gif
That's the opposite of silly.
#324
1fd794f0-6fb6-4d18-add2-f4e65e5d61d7.gif
Okay, we caught the escaped giraffe,
#325
9d837ebf-3f93-4441-953c-99fa3a5d451b.gif
but who's gonna ride him back to the zoo?
#326
78b41d3f-be7c-4602-ab41-188ebca5f260.gif
Oh, what do you say, Peter?
#327
c8a364b3-82ef-4559-9b3e-7e42326efd8e.gif
Would you rather ride the giraffe, or take our sensible family car?
#328
33733b12-a59d-4154-a9fc-0d4675f7c2b2.gif
[starts engine]
#329
1b797b69-815e-4848-8861-569abe8d237b.gif
[tires screeching]
#330
c1e9be68-e77d-400f-844e-675c71140448.gif
Bring me to the park, I want to dunk.
#331
3df3090b-365c-47d9-8ba3-733369199e13.gif
He'll never be able to keep it up.
#332
d2e142dd-f64c-41ce-9009-f8240d5e2d7e.gif
He's kept it up.
#333
b7725117-6859-4826-8669-dceecb2a8ddf.gif
My stand-up special is next week and I am desperate for material.
#334
4633eb2a-1195-46bb-8af3-5d600712be43.gif
Peter's given me squat. He is drier than a Triscuit.
#335
94d78d11-6a54-4723-92b3-59acc7e9f8c9.gif
[cell phone rings, chimes]
#336
cf780c97-7c23-4cd7-add7-8004d5711e85.gif
Hey, how do I delete Grown Ups 3 off the DVR
#337
eac0dadd-3ec7-489f-a593-af2c8c1f95f3.gif
to make room for Ken Burns' Dust Bowl?
#338
71aa40b1-9ad0-4073-b5d2-7f973a4a43a5.gif
I don't want to miss the episode on Okie migration.
#339
e0d0a746-8020-4447-90c2-d20ad15a110a.gif
He's been like this all week.
#340
11e8ad04-d09e-49cc-992d-12b95c2a3352.gif
Last night, he gave his whoopie cushion a Viking funeral.
#341
64319f2e-47d1-451c-99c3-144329821a35.gif
[extended farting sound]
#342
ea09fa19-16d9-4bff-8b50-323bb14452e3.gif
Maybe you need to broaden out your topics.
#343
617f2cde-6509-41fe-9fe5-ffbe205a6b85.gif
The audience just wants to hear about your life.
#344
192334b8-d2f1-435a-a58e-ee1e07cc6a50.gif
Y-you're right, Bon.
#345
177a2abb-ae35-463c-923a-303048ae8565.gif
A good stand-up can make anything funny.
#346
279e23ca-50ea-4c9d-b01d-f4608d43451b.gif
I'm gonna start right now.
#347
5d0d5811-41df-4c4e-b5e2-8e22fdb8f774.gif
This is really great, women supporting women.
#348
da6a9664-2f71-4189-b088-26be57596a2b.gif
I couldn't agree more.
#349
934737a6-d6c6-4d7b-b3d9-3f858d6207b1.gif
Us ladies need to stick together.
#350
628de9f2-aa36-4b14-a940-1bc26090d701.gif
Absolutely. We can't let petty differences divide us.
#351
5c0f88ab-1966-4dc7-a074-f9192b9c59cf.gif
Five minutes, Missus G.
#352
ca9d0246-56a1-4a8d-8b13-00cfdcb0c6a3.gif
I told you to stop peeking your head in
#353
22bb5702-afd8-4e18-babd-51c7dea745a3.gif
and just fully enter.
#354
391c0394-72c4-4ad5-a8fb-35dc02e78c07.gif
Sorry, Missus G. I'm self-conscious about my legs.
#355
95f4b114-5254-4027-9756-e30ff55d3fdd.gif
- Hey, is dad coming tonight? - Oh, I don't think so.
#356
c5bc6665-5945-4d40-9c5c-c6f58b50f9e9.gif
He's being a little bitch about my jokes about him being a little bitch.
#357
2271f00f-011a-4e27-bf27-187f907e5eec.gif
Time to go live on Instagram to service my fans.
#358
6ca340db-47b1-49a4-bad2-20d7170e377a.gif
Wha-wha-what up, Lois hive.
#359
e8e874ad-c183-45dd-af82-8514b070d1ec.gif
I'm about to tape my first special.
#360
aadf3b2c-b9a8-4bdf-8da0-b26e72e8c241.gif
Thanks to all my Lo-Hoes out there for supporting your girl.
#361
cd43ccf4-bf22-4777-afd7-f15bedb31e89.gif
[kisses] We out here.
#362
4f433280-bc92-456d-b3ad-998e0eeedf8c.gif
Am I using that right, Meg?
#363
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[Meg] I don't know, I'm a dork, too.
#364
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Okay, this is a sponsored post,
#365
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so I'd like to give a shout-out thank you
#366
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to Dr. Violet's Feminine De-Musting Powder.
#367
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When you're musty, it's a must.
#368
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[announcer] Now, give it up for the Husband Slayer: Lois C.K.
#369
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- [cheering] - How you feeling tonight, Quahog?
#370
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Ha-ha! Let's get right into it.
#371
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So, the other day, Peter sits me down...
#372
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Ooh, here it comes, I bet she's about to say
#373
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something derogatory about his genitals.
#374
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She's also clever about his obesity.
#375
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My father died this morning, but I bought the tickets before that.
#376
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No, he wanted to review this year's tax code
#377
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to look for additional deductions.
#378
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Well, how about deducting all those receipts
#379
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from my kitchen table?
#380
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Ya too messy!
#381
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These are theater chairs, they're not supposed to swivel.
#382
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Huh, weird.
#383
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- Did you break our chair? - I improved your chair.
#384
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Actually, my whole street is full of weirdos.
#385
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So my crippled neighbor, he's a real jerk.
#386
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He's so handicapped, he gets to park inside the bank.
#387
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Ya too messy!
#388
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[man coughs]
#389
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Huh. Is this thing on?
#390
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Oh, I'm on, honey. They can hear youse just fine.
#391
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Okay, you're gonna love this one.
#392
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So there's this predator next door
#393
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that we still hang out with even though he hurts women.
#394
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[laughs] I-I'm still working on the punchline for that one.
#395
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- Ginger bitch. - Married a loser 'cause she's a loser.
#396
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[man 2] My dad died during knee surgery.
#397
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Please, stop. Look, I-I just want to make you laugh.
#398
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Well, we don't like your jokes,
#399
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and Will Smith said we're allowed to hit comics.
#400
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[clamoring]
#401
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Whoa, hey, hey, guys, I just wanted her to bomb, but not this.
#402
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This is what bombing is now. Beatings are the new boos.
#403
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Look, I-I know you've all had or will have
#404
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two drinks at minimum, but please, calm down.
#405
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- Hey, you gonna huck that? - I'm still working on it.
#406
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Aw.
#407
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- What's with the flimsy cans? - We drink hard seltzer now.
#408
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Ugh, at least go get beer bottles to throw like a respectable rioter.
#409
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Oh, my God, Peter.
#410
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All this time, I was belittling you,
#411
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but you did what I wasn't willing to do for you:
#412
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protect my spouse from public ridicule when--
#413
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Crap, we only got eight seconds left in tonight's episode.
#414
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You don't have to be smart for me or serious.
#415
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I married you for who you are, a good husband.
#416
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And I married you 'cause you did mouth stuff in the car.
#417
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but overall, that's not really who you are.
#418
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Hey, I'm-I'm sorry for ruining your special, Lois.
#419
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Oh, that's okay, it all worked out.
#420
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They actually ended up giving it to Joe instead.
#421
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Boy, I'm glad I'm not a cop in DC, I'd be writing tickets for gridlock.
#422
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You know what DC stands for? "Dumb Congress."
#423
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Hey, three congressmen walked into a bar.
#424
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Nothing happened.
#425
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You know, you don't have to clap after every joke.
#426
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I'd prefer if you laughed.
#427
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Stop that!
#428
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[♪ hip-hop music playing, Sir Mix-A-Lot "Lady Kneecaps"]
#429
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♪ I like thick knees when they bend real high ♪
#430
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♪ Some brothas wanna love that thigh ♪
#431
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♪ When a girl walks in better show me them shins ♪
#432
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♪ And bend, lookin' like the letter "N" I get chub ♪
#433
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♪ I like 'em hard and bony Not prosthetic and phony ♪
#434
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♪ Much love to the honeys with glamour ♪
#435
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♪ Knees be knocking like a ball-peen hammer ♪
#436
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♪ I don't want them foot bones Elbows and shoulders making arms fold ♪
#437
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♪ I wanna see meniscus Without knees can't be my missus ♪
#438
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♪ So hike up dem pants legs ♪
#439
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♪ Cuff 'em, baby, show me dem pegs ♪
#440
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♪ I'm talking femur and tibia ♪
#441
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♪ Jeopardy, baby, knee trivia ♪
#442
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[laughs]
#443
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♪ Lady kneecaps ♪
#444
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[tires screeching]
#445