Home » Family Guy » S23E03 — Drunk with Power

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 3 — Drunk with Power

♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

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♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

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♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

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♪ Laugh and cry ♪

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♪ Laugh and cry ♪

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♪ Laugh and cry ♪

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[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

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[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

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[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

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Good morning. I've come down to this floor because corporate has figured out

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Good morning. I've come down to this floor because corporate has figured out

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Good morning. I've come down to this floor because corporate has figured out

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a new revenue stream: giving tours of the brewery.

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a new revenue stream: giving tours of the brewery.

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a new revenue stream: giving tours of the brewery.

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And Peter, I've chosen you for the job.

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And Peter, I've chosen you for the job.

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That's great!

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That's great!

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Let me just call my old boss and tell him to shove it.

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Let me just call my old boss and tell him to shove it.

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[cell phone rings]

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[cell phone rings]

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- Hello? - Mr. Lloyd?

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- Hello? - Mr. Lloyd?

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This is Peter Griffin. I quit.

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This is Peter Griffin. I quit.

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And I never sent in my pledge

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And I never sent in my pledge

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for your niece's Stand Up to Cancer 5K.

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for your niece's Stand Up to Cancer 5K.

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How's your niece, by the way, she doing all right?

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How's your niece, by the way, she doing all right?

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- Very sick. - Ah, terrific.

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- Very sick. - Ah, terrific.

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It was an honor just to help.

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It was an honor just to help.

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Now, here's everything you'll need to be a tour guide,

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Now, here's everything you'll need to be a tour guide,

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a blazer five people hung themselves in,

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a blazer five people hung themselves in,

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khakis that look dirty no matter how many times you wash them,

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khakis that look dirty no matter how many times you wash them,

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and a wet, brown banana for lunch.

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and a wet, brown banana for lunch.

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Awesome. I love telling people where to go,

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Awesome. I love telling people where to go,

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like when I cased that McDonald's for The Hamburglar.

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like when I cased that McDonald's for The Hamburglar.

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There. At 11:45,

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There. At 11:45,

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they take the grease traps out the back door.

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they take the grease traps out the back door.

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You sneak in and take all the hamburgers you want.

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You sneak in and take all the hamburgers you want.

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- Robble, robble. - Hey, man,

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- Robble, robble. - Hey, man,

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I thought you wanted to score some hamburgers.

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I thought you wanted to score some hamburgers.

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These kids don't have to die, man.

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These kids don't have to die, man.

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Robble. Robble.

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Robble. Robble.

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Okay, take it easy. Be cool. I don't want any robble.

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Okay, take it easy. Be cool. I don't want any robble.

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Hi, folks, I'm Peter Griffin, and welcome to the brewery tour.

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Hi, folks, I'm Peter Griffin, and welcome to the brewery tour.

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All right, quick quiz.

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All right, quick quiz.

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How many of you have heard of beer before?

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How many of you have heard of beer before?

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Wow, half. That's pretty good.

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Wow, half. That's pretty good.

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You can get a little closer, gang, I don't bite.

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- Ow! - Too close!

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And we're proud to say that Pawtucket Ale

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is responsible for 99% of all DUIs in Rhode Island.

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- Fascinating. - Shouldn't you be doing the news?

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Oh, no, we're doing a "Best of News Bloopers."

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Now, an update. Apparently, the "Touth Sower" has just collapsed.

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Tou-- "Touth Sower?" What?

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"Touth--" Okay, let's go again.

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I'm Tom Tower-- Holy crap.

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And now, please enjoy a virtual reality experience

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about our founder, Pawtucket Pat,

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in these headsets that are definitely clean.

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Hi, I'm Casey Affleck, aka Pawtucket Pat.

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I signed this contract,

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then learned it filmed the same day as Ben and J.Lo's wedding.

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Yet another great decision by ol' Case. You'll cut that, right?

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Pawtucket Pat came to America from England in 1771,

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looking for a better life.

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The seas were very rough.

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Pretty realistic, right?

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[all shouting]

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When Pat finally reached the shore,

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the natives welcomed him with a flurry of arrows to his colonial penis.

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[all screaming]

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Dear God, why's we experiencing this?

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Please save your questions for the end.

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In 1776, Pat refused to sign the Declaration of Independence,

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saying the only thing we need independence from

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is wives who won't let us drink.

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He left Philadelphia, uttering several anti-Italian slurs

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on his way out, all of which are true.

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Unfortunately, he didn't realize Philadelphia is built

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- on a platform 9,000 feet in the air. - [horse neighs]

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[all screaming]

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Just take off your headsets.

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- [all yell] - [Casey] The fall proved to be fatal.

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And right before Pawtucket Pat died, he pooped his pants.

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We have pants available in the gift shop.

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Okay, so now how many of you know what beer is?

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So we did learn. Great.

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Okay, before we wrap it up, any questions? Yes?

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How come Jeff Bezos wears that big, weird cowboy hat

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when he rides his spaceship?

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[stutters] I don't know, Joe.

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Well, that's the tour, folks. Please either tip me

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or shamefully avoid eye contact on the way out.

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Coward. Coward. Coward.

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Coward. Friggin' cheapskate.

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Griffin, I'm glad I caught you.

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There's a VIP who wants a tour of the brewery,

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and it's a bit of a sensitive matter.

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- It's Brett Kavanaugh. - Brett Ratner?

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- No. That's Brett Ratner. - Brett Favre?

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No. That's a different scumbag Brett.

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I'm talking about the Supreme Court Justice.

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He'd like the tour, and I don't want a spectacle.

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Sure. I don't got a problem with anyone except Jennifer Connelly's husband.

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- [Brett whoops] I love beer! - That's him now.

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Hello, your judgesty, Peter Griffin.

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Hey, just call me Brett. All right, guys, skedaddle.

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I'm so pumped.

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I've toured every brewery in the country except this one. I love beer!

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Yeah, you've screamed that twice now.

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I scream it all the time. It's kind of how I got my job.

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- Me, too. - That's awesome.

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Tour time. I love beer!

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Then you'll love all the dull trivia behind it.

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Peter, I don't want some normie dork tour.

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Look at us. We're bloated kindred spirits.

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We even look alike.

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We're in love with the same mistress, Peter.

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And you know everything about her: her moods, her little whims, her musk.

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Show me her world, Peter.

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Show me your... beer.

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[Peter sucking]

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Double keg stand. Are there any chicks watching?

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No. Even better, just guys.

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One thing I do know,

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beer can only be drunk in an upright body position.

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Uh, Keith? I'm gonna ask you to turn around for a sec.

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[chuckles] You're gonna feel pretty silly.

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[gulping]

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Yes. We got to experience what it's like to be beer.

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And we drank our own pee in the can.

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- No, we didn't. - Right. No, yeah, right.

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Hey, Brett, you're pretty cool for a Supreme Court justice.

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That's all I want people to say.

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Last one in's a rotten egg!

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I will not be a rotten egg.

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Bro, let's see who can get the reddest the fastest.

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[gulping]

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I'm very drunk, Peter. There are a lot of yous.

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I see a lot of yous.

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- Synchronized swimming? - You know it.

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[♪ orchestral music playing]

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All people want to do is scream at me

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in steakhouses about women's bodies.

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Yeah. My wife hates you, which kind of makes me secretly like you.

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Hey, Brett?

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Do you think that we'll still be friends at college?

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I don't know, man.

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Oh, my God, we were super drunk last night.

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Did I accidentally kill Brett Kavanaugh?

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"Dear Peter, why did you accidentally kill me?

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"Just kidding. I don't want my life anymore.

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"You take it. Brett.

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"PS, this is the first time I've ever put clothes on anyone

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"without their consent. Ha, ha, ha."

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- [knock at door] - [handler] Justice Kavanaugh?

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[retches]

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[sighs] It's him.

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Did you guys see that chick in accounting?

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Boy, I'd like to hustle her up some stairs against her will.

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- It's really him. - Let's get him back

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to the Supreme Court of the United States of America,

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where he serves a lifetime appointment

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as one of only nine Senate-confirmed justices.

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It's so cool that a guy named Brett gets to decide if women can have abortions.

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[clears throat]

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So, anyone watch anything interesting last night?

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[Clarence Thomas] I'm finally gonna say something.

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Or would it be weird, after 30 years,

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if the first thing I say is, "I like Shark Tank"?

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You can do this, Clarence. Here goes.

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- [inhales] - [door opens]

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There he is. Hey, Kavanaugh.

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Sorry I'm late. The steps outside are perfect for a slinky.

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Ah, I love your refreshing honesty, Brett.

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Dears, can I get a cup of coffee?

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Brett, we're Justices Sotomayor and Barrett.

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Right, sorry.

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Hon, coffee?

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No, I'm Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson.

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Yes, and I will definitely remember your name

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and not butcher it relentlessly going forward.

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- Toots, coffee? - Stick it, Brett.

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I'm Justice Elena Kagan. Ha-cha-cha.

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Okay, ready for our morning introduction?

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[♪ fanfare playing]

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[narrator] Gathered together from Harvard and Yale,

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except the last lady Trump appointed,

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are the most boring forces of good ever assembled.

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[crowd shouting]

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[narrator] John Roberts.

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Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito.

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[tires screech]

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Elena Kagan.

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[growling]

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Get a visible car, bitch.

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[narrator] Sonya Sotomayor is Aquaman in this, I guess.

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And the Wonder Twins, Barrett and Brown Jackson.

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We hate each other, though.

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[narrator] With their space monkey, Kavanaugh.

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It's me, Peter. [giggles]

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Ah.

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[narrator] They're trying not to die

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until someone from their party is president.

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These are the Supreme Friends.

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All right, let's pick a case.

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We've got a bakery that won't bake a cake for a gay wedding,

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a bakery that won't bake a cake for a trans anniversary,

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a bakery that won't bake a cake for a dog's birthday--

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Is it just all people mad about cakes?

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It's mostly cakes, yes.

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Although there is this case, Hometown Buffet v. Peter Griffin.

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If the steaming hot dog water is on the buffet table,

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it is part of the buffet.

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What'll it be, fellas?

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- Three beers. - Sorry, can't. We're all out.

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What? How is that possible?

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"The Kav" drank it all.

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Ugh. Brett Kavanaugh.

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- I hate that guy. - Me, too.

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'Sup, I'm the Kav. Mind if I sit down?

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- Kind of. - Come on, I know my reputation,

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but can't we have one beer?

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Fine. One beer.

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- You guys play golf? - Occasionally.

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You ever hit the ball and it doesn't go where you thought it would?

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- Sometimes. - You ever putt and it just, like, misses?

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Yeah, I've missed a putt or two.

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You ever get stuck in a sand trap

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and you can't stop crying

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'cause deep down you know your dad hates you?

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Brett Kavanaugh, you're all right.

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Guys, we got to party together.

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This weekend? Squee's mom's beach house?

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- Sounds epic. - Party at the shore.

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What's the stair situation there?

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There's a flight of stairs to get in.

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Okay, we should probably Airbnb another place.

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- Still in. - 100% in.

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Well, we can figure that out later as a group.

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Therefore, in order to qualify

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for a hardship exemption under Section 7545-09BI--

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Guys, I think I have a way to make this more interesting.

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With regard to the claim o forum non conveniens--

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[Peter] Boo! We're not turning for that.

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[clears throat]

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♪ Tastes like strawberries ♪

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♪ On a summer evening ♪

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♪ And it sounds just like a song ♪

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♪ I want more berries ♪

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♪ And that summer feeling ♪

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♪ It's so wonderful and warm ♪

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[all] ♪ Watermelon sugar high ♪

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♪ Watermelon sugar high ♪

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That was a great idea, everybody.

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Let's take lunch.

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Hey, how about today we eat at the mall?

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[Clarence] Okay, Clarence,

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there's never gonna be a better setup to make

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your "Supreme Food Court" joke. Here goes.

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If we're going to the mall,

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how about we eat at the Supreme Food Court?

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[laughter]

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[Clarence] It's like he heard my thoughts.

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[Peter] That's right, Clarence. I can hear thoughts.

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But it only works on white-haired black guys.

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Do you want to know how Danny Glover really felt about Mel Gibson?

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- Lois, what's going on with-- - My hair? My beard?

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Because you took a lifetime appointment in Washington,

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I'm doing everything.

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Sorry I haven't had a second to wax and dye myself.

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That'll make him want to come back.

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Lois, this is the first time in our marriage

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I've ever done anything for me.

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[sputters] What? I've let you drink with your friends

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at a bar every night for the last 22 years.

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Oh, I just knew you'd hold that against me at some point.

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Peter, if you took it seriously,

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being on the Supreme Court is a huge opportunity.

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Hmm. How so?

#273

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The New York Times is reporting that tomorrow the court's hearing a case

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- to repeal gay marriage. - They are?

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You could help save the families of millions of gay Americans.

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You know, Brian's right.

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I am tired of your shenanigans,

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but this, this is a chance to do some real good.

#279

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Would you stop playing with filters and listen?

#280

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Okay, I've taken my filters off.

#281

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- Peter... - I've just been drinking a lot of water.

#282

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Do you, uh... Do you have an OnlyFans?

#283

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I just sent you a DM. My wish list is in my bio.

#284

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All right, Brett, we're deadlocked four to four.

#285

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Are you going to vote to repeal gay marriage or not?

#286

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Okay, so "yes" means no gay marriage?

#287

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- Yes. - And "no" means yes gay marriage?

#288

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- Yes. - Do you mean "yes" as in "no"

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or "no" as in "yes"?

#290

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God, Kavanaugh, you're like a dog with a bone with this "no means yes" stuff.

#291

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Gay marriage, what is your decision?

#292

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Well, Alito's right, the Constitution says nothing to protect gay marriage.

#293

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Yes! Fetuses will be so psyched to hear that.

#294

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But also, all people are equal under the law,

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which is why we must not only ban gay marriage,

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we have to ban straight marriage.

#297

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Then let's do it! I hate my crazy wife!

#298

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[panting]

#299

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I did it. I spoke.

#300

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[Ginni Thomas] Clarence, you forgot your lunch.

#301

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Thanks, baby.

#302

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Ugh. It sucks that this is the only hat to overthrow democracy in.

#303

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This is absurd. We can't ban all marriage.

#304

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The whole point of not being gay is to get extra stuff.

#305

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Sam, say I invite you out for a beer right now.

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- Could you do it or would you have to ask? - I'd have to ask.

#307

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Ask to have a beer? How is that freedom?

#308

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You know what freedom is?

#309

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Imagine you can't forget your anniversary.

#310

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Imagine it's illegal to have in-laws.

#311

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Imagine a whole bathroom sink with just a toothbrush on it.

#312

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This sounds sexist.

#313

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Imagine a bar of soap in the shower

#314

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- with no pubes on it. - Touché.

#315

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You know, this would stop everyone from asking,

#316

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"How come she's not married?"

#317

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I just need one more vote. Roberts?

#318

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I don't know.

#319

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No more wedding cakes means no more lawsuits.

#320

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We'd be done by 11:00 every day

#321

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- the rest of our lives. - In.

#322

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We did it, guys.

#323

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We changed the way everything works without asking anyone,

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just like America wants.

#325

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[whooping, cheering]

#326

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You got to love small beach towns with no economic opportunities.

#327

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They should have a wet undies contest for guys.

#328

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- Shut up, Joe. - Men should not say "undies."

#329

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[announcer] And the winner of $18 and a free base-level car wash is...

#330

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Diana DiGuacamo!

#331

⇓

What? That's insane!

#332

⇓

- [shouts, grunts] - Whoa, Kav.

#333

⇓

What the hell? Amber should have won.

#334

⇓

Why are you so mad? Diana had the nicest bazongas.

#335

⇓

Look at the banner, Glenn.

#336

⇓

It's not a nicest bazongas contest,

#337

⇓

it's a wet T-shirt contest.

#338

⇓

And Amber's shirt was the wettest.

#339

⇓

But, Brett, surely the spirit of the tilt is to reward the most comely bosom.

#340

⇓

Then why have T-shirts at all?

#341

⇓

Why not just hand the trophy

#342

⇓

to the woman with the biggest milk monsters?

#343

⇓

Kav, you're spitting little pieces of barf absolutely everywhere.

#344

⇓

Wet T-shirt contests have rules.

#345

⇓

That's all that separates us from animals.

#346

⇓

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

#347

⇓

I just need to make a brief, passionate speech.

#348

⇓

Okay, I'll come back.

#349

⇓

I like rules. And I like beer.

#350

⇓

And I used to think I had to choose between making arbitrary regulations

#351

⇓

that govern every aspect of everyone's life

#352

⇓

and getting blackout drunk 24/7,

#353

⇓

but I don't have to choose.

#354

⇓

I can do both. I can do both!

#355

⇓

Uh, Brett, you're peeing on yourself.

#356

⇓

Guys, I got to get back to DC.

#357

⇓

But first, let's write down everything

#358

⇓

in our calendars that happened the last three days.

#359

⇓

- Why? - So 30 years from now,

#360

⇓

we can prove we didn't rape anyone.

#361

⇓

Wait, how would an old, handwritten calendar prove anything?

#362

⇓

Trust me, it's enough.

#363

⇓

Adios, bros.

#364

⇓

That guy was a little creepy, even for me.

#365

⇓

Thanks for coming to help me, Brian.

#366

⇓

I can't believe they chose you to write a Supreme Court opinion.

#367

⇓

They must really trust you.

#368

⇓

Actually, I was the last judge to say "not it."

#369

⇓

Gorsuch said "not it infinity" at the beginning of the day,

#370

⇓

- so he was immune. - What can I do?

#371

⇓

Send Lauren Boebert a "You up?" text? She's already blocked my number.

#372

⇓

Sir, I've written my opinion.

#373

⇓

- Is this a joke? - No.

#374

⇓

Even though Tom Cruise smiles all the time,

#375

⇓

he is incapable of joking, sir.

#376

⇓

Kavanaugh, I've had it with you.

#377

⇓

You're constantly late, drunk,

#378

⇓

and somehow don't even know the basics of the law.

#379

⇓

I've never done this before,

#380

⇓

nor do I have the authority to do so, but you're fired.

#381

⇓

- [door opens] - That's not Brett Kavanaugh! I am.

#382

⇓

And I can prove it.

#383

⇓

No, that's okay.

#384

⇓

Now that you're both in front of me, it's glaringly obvious.

#385

⇓

Now that you're both in front of me, it's glaringly obvious.

#385

⇓

We should really get seats that face each other.

#386

⇓

Now that that distraction's out of the way,

#387

⇓

let's get back to banning only gay marriage,

#388

⇓

like the Founding Fathers intended.

#389

⇓

Sir, you need to leave.

#390

⇓

I just need to say one thing.

#391

⇓

Sure, I'll work around your schedule.

#392

⇓

Okay, so I'm not a judge, but let's talk about the Founding Fathers.

#393

⇓

If a guy who was five feet tall, had a mouthful of wooden teeth,

#394

⇓

and pooped in a flowerpot walked in here right now,

#395

⇓

would you say, "Let's do everything he says"?

#396

⇓

Or, "Maybe we can think of something better"?

#397

⇓

You really want to stick it to gay people?

#398

⇓

I mean, that's kind of

#399

⇓

why the Federalist Society put me here, yeah.

#400

⇓

Then why let gay people sleep in,

#401

⇓

have their own bathrooms, and eat every meal at a bistro?

#402

⇓

Why should gays get to wear white jeans, host the Tonys

#403

⇓

and have endless casual sex?

#404

⇓

You want to take away their freedom?

#405

⇓

Let them get married.

#406

⇓

Huh. Maybe you're not an idiot.

#407

⇓

I'm not, I'm-I'm just a visual learner.

#408

⇓

A toast to Peter Griffin,

#409

⇓

who brought some common sense to this court.

#410

⇓

I didn't. Beer did.

#411

⇓

Thanks, booze.

#412

⇓

Hey, this is non-alcoholic.

#413

⇓

I've learned my lesson.

#414

⇓

I've listened, grown and changed. I swear on the Bible.

#415

⇓

[thuds]

#416

⇓

Son of a bitch slipped me a Mickey.

#417

⇓

I'm proud of you, Peter.

#418

⇓

I don't know how you did it, but you preserved gay marriage.

#419

⇓

Oh, I just told them how happy we are,

#420

⇓

and how everyone deserves that for themselves.

#421

⇓

- Aw. - Well, like every political figure

#422

⇓

with a conflicted conscience in movies,

#423

⇓

I now have to go spend a night at the Lincoln Memorial.

#424

⇓

I wish I knew what you were thinking.

#425

⇓

Did they invent bulletproof theater helmets yet?

#426

⇓

No, we just accept that anyone could get shot

#427

⇓

anywhere at any time.

#428

⇓

Well, as long as my beloved Republican party

#429

⇓

is still upholding the traditions of Honest Abe.

#430

⇓

[♪ sad trombone plays]

#431

⇓

[♪ theme music playing]

#432

⇓