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Home » Family Guy » S23E03 — Drunk with Power

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 3 — Drunk with Power

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♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

movies seems seems-today today violence

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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

fashioned fashioned-values values

↓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

rely used

↓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

family lucky

↓

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

lucky positively

↓

♪ All the things that make us ♪

↓

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

laugh

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[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

family

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[cell phone rings]

cell cell-phone cell-phone-rings phone phone-rings rings

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- Hello? - Mr. Lloyd?

lloyd

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This is Peter Griffin. I quit.

griffin peter peter-griffin quit

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How's your niece, by the way, she doing all right?

niece

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- Very sick. - Ah, terrific.

sick terrific

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It was an honor just to help.

honor

↓

Now, here's everything you'll need to be a tour guide,

guide tour

↓

a blazer five people hung themselves in,

blazer five hung

↓

khakis that look dirty no matter how many times you wash them,

dirty matter times wash

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and a wet, brown banana for lunch.

banana brown lunch

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Awesome. I love telling people where to go,

awesome love telling

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like when I cased that McDonald's for The Hamburglar.

mcdonalds

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There. At 11:45,

↓

they take the grease traps out the back door.

door grease traps

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You sneak in and take all the hamburgers you want.

hamburgers sneak

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- Robble, robble. - Hey, man,

↓

I thought you wanted to score some hamburgers.

hamburgers score wanted

↓

These kids don't have to die, man.

kids

↓

Robble. Robble.

↓

Okay, take it easy. Be cool. I don't want any robble.

cool easy

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Oh, no, we're doing a "Best of News Bloopers."

best news

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Now, an update. Apparently, the "Touth Sower" has just collapsed.

apparently collapsed update

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Tou-- "Touth Sower?" What?

↓

"Touth--" Okay, let's go again.

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I'm Tom Tower-- Holy crap.

holy tower

↓

in these headsets that are definitely clean.

clean

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Hi, I'm Casey Affleck, aka Pawtucket Pat.

casey

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I signed this contract,

contract signed

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then learned it filmed the same day as Ben and J.Lo's wedding.

filmed learned wedding

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Yet another great decision by ol' Case. You'll cut that, right?

another case decision

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Pawtucket Pat came to America from England in 1771,

america england

↓

looking for a better life.

life looking

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The seas were very rough.

rough seas

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Pretty realistic, right?

realistic

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[all shouting]

shouting

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When Pat finally reached the shore,

finally reached shore

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the natives welcomed him with a flurry of arrows to his colonial penis.

arrows penis welcomed

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[all screaming]

screaming

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Dear God, why's we experiencing this?

dear experiencing whys

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Please save your questions for the end.

questions save

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In 1776, Pat refused to sign the Declaration of Independence,

declaration independence refused sign

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saying the only thing we need independence from

independence

↓

is wives who won't let us drink.

drink wives

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He left Philadelphia, uttering several anti-Italian slurs

anti italian left philadelphia several

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on his way out, all of which are true.

↓

Unfortunately, he didn't realize Philadelphia is built

built philadelphia realize unfortunately

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- on a platform 9,000 feet in the air. - [horse neighs]

feet horse platform

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[all screaming]

screaming

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Just take off your headsets.

↓

- [all yell] - [Casey] The fall proved to be fatal.

casey fall fatal proved yell

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And right before Pawtucket Pat died, he pooped his pants.

died pants pooped

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We have pants available in the gift shop.

available gift gift-shop pants shop

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No. That's a different scumbag Brett.

brett scumbag

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I'm talking about the Supreme Court Justice.

court justice supreme supreme-court

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He'd like the tour, and I don't want a spectacle.

tour

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- [Brett whoops] I love beer! - That's him now.

beer brett love whoops

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Hello, your judgesty, Peter Griffin.

griffin peter peter-griffin

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Hey, just call me Brett. All right, guys, skedaddle.

brett skedaddle

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I'm so pumped.

pumped

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I've toured every brewery in the country except this one. I love beer!

beer country except love

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Yeah, you've screamed that twice now.

screamed twice

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I scream it all the time. It's kind of how I got my job.

scream

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- Me, too. - That's awesome.

awesome

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Tour time. I love beer!

beer love tour

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Then you'll love all the dull trivia behind it.

behind dull love trivia

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Peter, I don't want some normie dork tour.

dork peter tour

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Look at us. We're bloated kindred spirits.

spirits

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We even look alike.

alike

↓

We're in love with the same mistress, Peter.

love mistress peter

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And you know everything about her: her moods, her little whims, her musk.

moods

↓

Show me her world, Peter.

peter world

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Show me your... beer.

beer

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[Peter sucking]

peter sucking

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Double keg stand. Are there any chicks watching?

chicks double stand watching

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No. Even better, just guys.

↓

One thing I do know,

↓

beer can only be drunk in an upright body position.

beer body drunk position

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Uh, Keith? I'm gonna ask you to turn around for a sec.

keith

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[chuckles] You're gonna feel pretty silly.

chuckles silly

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[gulping]

gulping

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Yes. We got to experience what it's like to be beer.

beer experience

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And we drank our own pee in the can.

drank

↓

- No, we didn't. - Right. No, yeah, right.

↓

Hey, Brett, you're pretty cool for a Supreme Court justice.

brett cool court justice supreme supreme-court

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That's all I want people to say.

↓

Last one in's a rotten egg!

rotten

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I will not be a rotten egg.

rotten

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Bro, let's see who can get the reddest the fastest.

fastest

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[gulping]

gulping

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I'm very drunk, Peter. There are a lot of yous.

drunk peter yous

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I see a lot of yous.

yous

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- Synchronized swimming? - You know it.

swimming synchronized

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[♪ orchestral music playing]

music music-playing orchestral playing

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All people want to do is scream at me

scream

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in steakhouses about women's bodies.

bodies womens

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Yeah. My wife hates you, which kind of makes me secretly like you.

hates makes secretly wife

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Hey, Brett?

brett

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Do you think that we'll still be friends at college?

college friends

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I don't know, man.

↓

Oh, my God, we were super drunk last night.

drunk night super

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Did I accidentally kill Brett Kavanaugh?

accidentally brett kavanaugh kill

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"Dear Peter, why did you accidentally kill me?

accidentally dear kill peter

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"Just kidding. I don't want my life anymore.

anymore kidding life

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"You take it. Brett.

brett

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"PS, this is the first time I've ever put clothes on anyone

clothes

↓

"without their consent. Ha, ha, ha."

consent

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- [knock at door] - [handler] Justice Kavanaugh?

door justice kavanaugh knock

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[retches]

↓

[sighs] It's him.

sighs

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Did you guys see that chick in accounting?

accounting chick

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Boy, I'd like to hustle her up some stairs against her will.

hustle stairs

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- It's really him. - Let's get him back

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to the Supreme Court of the United States of America,

america court states supreme supreme-court united united-states

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where he serves a lifetime appointment

appointment lifetime serves

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as one of only nine Senate-confirmed justices.

confirmed nine senate

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It's so cool that a guy named Brett gets to decide if women can have abortions.

abortions brett cool decide named women

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[clears throat]

clears clears-throat throat

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So, anyone watch anything interesting last night?

interesting night watch

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[Clarence Thomas] I'm finally gonna say something.

clarence finally thomas

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Or would it be weird, after 30 years,

weird years

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if the first thing I say is, "I like Shark Tank"?

shark tank

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You can do this, Clarence. Here goes.

clarence

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- [inhales] - [door opens]

door door-opens inhales opens

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There he is. Hey, Kavanaugh.

kavanaugh

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Sorry I'm late. The steps outside are perfect for a slinky.

late perfect steps

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Ah, I love your refreshing honesty, Brett.

brett honesty love refreshing

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Dears, can I get a cup of coffee?

coffee

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Brett, we're Justices Sotomayor and Barrett.

barrett brett

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Right, sorry.

↓

Hon, coffee?

coffee

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No, I'm Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson.

brown jackson justice

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Yes, and I will definitely remember your name

name remember

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and not butcher it relentlessly going forward.

butcher forward

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- Toots, coffee? - Stick it, Brett.

brett coffee stick toots

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I'm Justice Elena Kagan. Ha-cha-cha.

elena justice

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Okay, ready for our morning introduction?

introduction morning ready

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[♪ fanfare playing]

fanfare playing

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[narrator] Gathered together from Harvard and Yale,

gathered harvard narrator yale

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except the last lady Trump appointed,

appointed except lady trump

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are the most boring forces of good ever assembled.

boring forces

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[crowd shouting]

crowd shouting

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[narrator] John Roberts.

john narrator roberts

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Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito.

clarence samuel thomas

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[tires screech]

screech tires tires-screech

↓

Elena Kagan.

elena

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[growling]

growling

↓

Get a visible car, bitch.

bitch visible

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[narrator] Sonya Sotomayor is Aquaman in this, I guess.

narrator

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And the Wonder Twins, Barrett and Brown Jackson.

barrett brown jackson twins wonder wonder-twins

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We hate each other, though.

hate

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[narrator] With their space monkey, Kavanaugh.

kavanaugh monkey narrator space

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It's me, Peter. [giggles]

giggles peter

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Ah.

↓

[narrator] They're trying not to die

narrator

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until someone from their party is president.

party president

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All right, let's pick a case.

case pick

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We've got a bakery that won't bake a cake for a gay wedding,

bake bakery cake wedding

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a bakery that won't bake a cake for a trans anniversary,

anniversary bake bakery cake trans

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a bakery that won't bake a cake for a dog's birthday--

bake bakery birthday cake dogs

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Is it just all people mad about cakes?

cakes

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It's mostly cakes, yes.

cakes mostly

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Although there is this case, Hometown Buffet v. Peter Griffin.

buffet case griffin hometown peter peter-griffin

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If the steaming hot dog water is on the buffet table,

buffet steaming table water

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it is part of the buffet.

buffet part

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What'll it be, fellas?

fellas whatll

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- Three beers. - Sorry, can't. We're all out.

beers three three-beers

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What? How is that possible?

possible

↓

"The Kav" drank it all.

drank

↓

Ugh. Brett Kavanaugh.

brett kavanaugh

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- I hate that guy. - Me, too.

hate

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'Sup, I'm the Kav. Mind if I sit down?

mind

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- Kind of. - Come on, I know my reputation,

reputation

↓

but can't we have one beer?

beer

↓

Fine. One beer.

beer

↓

- You guys play golf? - Occasionally.

golf occasionally

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You ever hit the ball and it doesn't go where you thought it would?

ball

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- Sometimes. - You ever putt and it just, like, misses?

misses putt sometimes

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Yeah, I've missed a putt or two.

missed putt

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You ever get stuck in a sand trap

sand stuck trap

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and you can't stop crying

crying

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'cause deep down you know your dad hates you?

deep hates

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Brett Kavanaugh, you're all right.

brett kavanaugh

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Guys, we got to party together.

party

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This weekend? Squee's mom's beach house?

beach beach-house house moms weekend

↓

- Sounds epic. - Party at the shore.

epic party shore sounds

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What's the stair situation there?

situation stair

↓

There's a flight of stairs to get in.

flight stairs

↓

Okay, we should probably Airbnb another place.

airbnb another place

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- Still in. - 100% in.

↓

Well, we can figure that out later as a group.

figure group

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Therefore, in order to qualify

order qualify therefore

↓

for a hardship exemption under Section 7545-09BI--

section

↓

Guys, I think I have a way to make this more interesting.

interesting

↓

With regard to the claim o forum non conveniens--

claim forum regard

↓

[Peter] Boo! We're not turning for that.

peter turning

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[clears throat]

clears clears-throat throat

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♪ Tastes like strawberries ♪

tastes

↓

♪ On a summer evening ♪

evening summer

↓

♪ And it sounds just like a song ♪

song sounds

↓

♪ I want more berries ♪

berries

↓

♪ And that summer feeling ♪

feeling summer

↓

♪ It's so wonderful and warm ♪

warm

↓

[all] ♪ Watermelon sugar high ♪

sugar watermelon

↓

♪ Watermelon sugar high ♪

sugar watermelon

↓

That was a great idea, everybody.

everybody idea

↓

Let's take lunch.

lunch

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Hey, how about today we eat at the mall?

mall today

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[Clarence] Okay, Clarence,

clarence

↓

there's never gonna be a better setup to make

setup

↓

your "Supreme Food Court" joke. Here goes.

court food food-court joke supreme

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If we're going to the mall,

mall

↓

how about we eat at the Supreme Food Court?

court food food-court supreme

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[laughter]

laughter

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[Clarence] It's like he heard my thoughts.

clarence heard thoughts

↓

[Peter] That's right, Clarence. I can hear thoughts.

clarence peter thoughts

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But it only works on white-haired black guys.

black haired white works

↓

Do you want to know how Danny Glover really felt about Mel Gibson?

danny

↓

- Lois, what's going on with-- - My hair? My beard?

beard hair lois

↓

Because you took a lifetime appointment in Washington,

appointment lifetime washington

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I'm doing everything.

↓

Sorry I haven't had a second to wax and dye myself.

second

↓

That'll make him want to come back.

thatll

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Lois, this is the first time in our marriage

lois marriage

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I've ever done anything for me.

↓

[sputters] What? I've let you drink with your friends

drink friends sputters

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at a bar every night for the last 22 years.

night years

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Oh, I just knew you'd hold that against me at some point.

point

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Peter, if you took it seriously,

peter

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being on the Supreme Court is a huge opportunity.

court huge opportunity supreme supreme-court

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Hmm. How so?

↓

The New York Times is reporting that tomorrow the court's hearing a case

case courts hearing reporting times tomorrow york york-times

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- to repeal gay marriage. - They are?

marriage

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You could help save the families of millions of gay Americans.

americans families millions save

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You know, Brian's right.

brians

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I am tired of your shenanigans,

shenanigans tired

↓

but this, this is a chance to do some real good.

chance real

↓

Would you stop playing with filters and listen?

filters playing

↓

Okay, I've taken my filters off.

filters taken

↓

- Peter... - I've just been drinking a lot of water.

drinking peter water

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Do you, uh... Do you have an OnlyFans?

↓

I just sent you a DM. My wish list is in my bio.

list sent wish

↓

All right, Brett, we're deadlocked four to four.

brett four

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Are you going to vote to repeal gay marriage or not?

marriage vote

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Okay, so "yes" means no gay marriage?

marriage

↓

- Yes. - And "no" means yes gay marriage?

marriage

↓

- Yes. - Do you mean "yes" as in "no"

↓

or "no" as in "yes"?

↓

God, Kavanaugh, you're like a dog with a bone with this "no means yes" stuff.

bone kavanaugh stuff

↓

Gay marriage, what is your decision?

decision marriage

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Well, Alito's right, the Constitution says nothing to protect gay marriage.

constitution marriage protect

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Yes! Fetuses will be so psyched to hear that.

psyched

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But also, all people are equal under the law,

equal

↓

which is why we must not only ban gay marriage,

marriage must

↓

we have to ban straight marriage.

marriage straight

↓

Then let's do it! I hate my crazy wife!

crazy hate wife

↓

[panting]

panting

↓

I did it. I spoke.

spoke

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[Ginni Thomas] Clarence, you forgot your lunch.

clarence forgot lunch thomas

↓

Thanks, baby.

baby thanks

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Ugh. It sucks that this is the only hat to overthrow democracy in.

democracy sucks

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This is absurd. We can't ban all marriage.

absurd marriage

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The whole point of not being gay is to get extra stuff.

extra point stuff whole whole-point

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Sam, say I invite you out for a beer right now.

beer invite

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- Could you do it or would you have to ask? - I'd have to ask.

↓

Ask to have a beer? How is that freedom?

beer freedom

↓

You know what freedom is?

freedom

↓

Imagine you can't forget your anniversary.

anniversary forget imagine

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Imagine it's illegal to have in-laws.

illegal imagine laws

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Imagine a whole bathroom sink with just a toothbrush on it.

bathroom imagine sink toothbrush whole

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This sounds sexist.

sexist sounds

↓

Imagine a bar of soap in the shower

imagine shower soap

↓

- with no pubes on it. - Touché.

pubes

↓

You know, this would stop everyone from asking,

asking

↓

"How come she's not married?"

married

↓

I just need one more vote. Roberts?

roberts vote

↓

I don't know.

↓

No more wedding cakes means no more lawsuits.

cakes lawsuits wedding

↓

We'd be done by 11:00 every day

↓

- the rest of our lives. - In.

lives rest

↓

We did it, guys.

↓

We changed the way everything works without asking anyone,

asking changed works

↓

just like America wants.

america wants

↓

[whooping, cheering]

cheering whooping

↓

You got to love small beach towns with no economic opportunities.

beach economic love opportunities towns

↓

They should have a wet undies contest for guys.

contest undies

↓

- Shut up, Joe. - Men should not say "undies."

undies

↓

[announcer] And the winner of $18 and a free base-level car wash is...

announcer base free level wash winner

↓

Diana DiGuacamo!

diana

↓

What? That's insane!

insane

↓

- [shouts, grunts] - Whoa, Kav.

grunts shouts whoa

↓

What the hell? Amber should have won.

amber

↓

Why are you so mad? Diana had the nicest bazongas.

diana nicest

↓

Look at the banner, Glenn.

banner glenn

↓

It's not a nicest bazongas contest,

contest nicest

↓

it's a wet T-shirt contest.

contest shirt shirt-contest

↓

And Amber's shirt was the wettest.

shirt

↓

But, Brett, surely the spirit of the tilt is to reward the most comely bosom.

bosom brett reward spirit surely tilt

↓

Then why have T-shirts at all?

shirts

↓

Why not just hand the trophy

hand trophy

↓

to the woman with the biggest milk monsters?

biggest milk monsters woman

↓

Kav, you're spitting little pieces of barf absolutely everywhere.

absolutely barf pieces spitting

↓

Wet T-shirt contests have rules.

contests rules shirt

↓

That's all that separates us from animals.

animals

↓

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

↓

I just need to make a brief, passionate speech.

brief passionate speech

↓

Okay, I'll come back.

↓

I like rules. And I like beer.

beer rules

↓

And I used to think I had to choose between making arbitrary regulations

arbitrary choose regulations used

↓

that govern every aspect of everyone's life

aspect everyones life

↓

and getting blackout drunk 24/7,

blackout drunk

↓

but I don't have to choose.

choose

↓

I can do both. I can do both!

↓

Uh, Brett, you're peeing on yourself.

brett peeing

↓

Guys, I got to get back to DC.

↓

But first, let's write down everything

write

↓

in our calendars that happened the last three days.

days happened three three-days

↓

- Why? - So 30 years from now,

years

↓

we can prove we didn't rape anyone.

prove rape

↓

Wait, how would an old, handwritten calendar prove anything?

calendar prove

↓

Trust me, it's enough.

trust

↓

Adios, bros.

adios bros

↓

That guy was a little creepy, even for me.

creepy

↓

Thanks for coming to help me, Brian.

brian coming thanks

↓

I can't believe they chose you to write a Supreme Court opinion.

believe chose court opinion supreme supreme-court write

↓

They must really trust you.

must trust

↓

Actually, I was the last judge to say "not it."

judge

↓

Gorsuch said "not it infinity" at the beginning of the day,

beginning

↓

- so he was immune. - What can I do?

immune

↓

Send Lauren Boebert a "You up?" text? She's already blocked my number.

blocked lauren number send text

↓

Sir, I've written my opinion.

opinion written

↓

- Is this a joke? - No.

joke

↓

Even though Tom Cruise smiles all the time,

cruise smiles

↓

he is incapable of joking, sir.

incapable joking

↓

Kavanaugh, I've had it with you.

kavanaugh

↓

You're constantly late, drunk,

constantly drunk late

↓

and somehow don't even know the basics of the law.

basics

↓

I've never done this before,

↓

nor do I have the authority to do so, but you're fired.

authority fired

↓

- [door opens] - That's not Brett Kavanaugh! I am.

brett door door-opens kavanaugh opens

↓

And I can prove it.

prove

↓

No, that's okay.

↓

Now that you're both in front of me, it's glaringly obvious.

front obvious

↓

We should really get seats that face each other.

face seats

↓

Now that that distraction's out of the way,

distractions

↓

let's get back to banning only gay marriage,

banning marriage

↓

like the Founding Fathers intended.

fathers intended

↓

Sir, you need to leave.

↓

I just need to say one thing.

↓

Sure, I'll work around your schedule.

schedule

↓

Okay, so I'm not a judge, but let's talk about the Founding Fathers.

fathers judge

↓

If a guy who was five feet tall, had a mouthful of wooden teeth,

feet feet-tall five mouthful tall teeth wooden wooden-teeth

↓

and pooped in a flowerpot walked in here right now,

pooped walked

↓

would you say, "Let's do everything he says"?

↓

Or, "Maybe we can think of something better"?

↓

You really want to stick it to gay people?

stick

↓

I mean, that's kind of

↓

why the Federalist Society put me here, yeah.

society

↓

Then why let gay people sleep in,

sleep

↓

have their own bathrooms, and eat every meal at a bistro?

bathrooms meal

↓

Why should gays get to wear white jeans, host the Tonys

gays host jeans wear white

↓

and have endless casual sex?

casual endless

↓

You want to take away their freedom?

freedom

↓

Let them get married.

married

↓

Huh. Maybe you're not an idiot.

idiot

↓

I'm not, I'm-I'm just a visual learner.

visual

↓

A toast to Peter Griffin,

griffin peter peter-griffin toast

↓

who brought some common sense to this court.

brought common common-sense court sense

↓

I didn't. Beer did.

beer

↓

Thanks, booze.

booze thanks

↓

Hey, this is non-alcoholic.

alcoholic

↓

I've learned my lesson.

learned lesson

↓

I've listened, grown and changed. I swear on the Bible.

bible changed grown listened swear

↓

[thuds]

thuds

↓

Son of a bitch slipped me a Mickey.

bitch mickey slipped

↓

I'm proud of you, Peter.

peter proud

↓

I don't know how you did it, but you preserved gay marriage.

marriage

↓

Oh, I just told them how happy we are,

happy

↓

and how everyone deserves that for themselves.

deserves

↓

- Aw. - Well, like every political figure

figure political

↓

with a conflicted conscience in movies,

conscience movies

↓

I now have to go spend a night at the Lincoln Memorial.

lincoln memorial night spend

↓

I wish I knew what you were thinking.

thinking wish

↓

Did they invent bulletproof theater helmets yet?

bulletproof helmets invent theater

↓

No, we just accept that anyone could get shot

accept shot

↓

anywhere at any time.

↓

Well, as long as my beloved Republican party

beloved party republican

↓

is still upholding the traditions of Honest Abe.

honest traditions

↓

[♪ sad trombone plays]

plays

↓

[♪ theme music playing]

music music-playing playing theme theme-music theme-music-playing

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