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» S23E02 — Live, Laugh, Love
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Season 23, Episode 2 — Live, Laugh, Love
♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
#1
⇓
♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪
#2
⇓
[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
#3
⇓
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
#4
⇓
♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪
#5
⇓
♪ All the things that make us ♪
#6
⇓
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
#7
⇓
[all] ♪ He's a family guy ♪
#8
⇓
Oh, hi, you guys. How was school?
#9
⇓
Eh, it was fine.
#10
⇓
But we had a substitute bully today and he was doing it wrong.
#11
⇓
Okay, it says "tape sign on back."
#12
⇓
Is that... Is that your back, my back?
#13
⇓
I-I got to be honest, I only got called in 45 minutes ago.
#14
⇓
[sighs] Just pinch my nipples and get out of here.
#15
⇓
We need you to sign these permission slips.
#16
⇓
We're taking a school field trip to Washington DC.
#17
⇓
Great, bring 'em here and I'll give you my John Hancock.
#18
⇓
- Who's that? - I'm sorry, I mean my Lane Bryant.
#19
⇓
Well, just say that, then.
#20
⇓
Big day, gentlemen. It's the one day a year Peter eats a salad.
#21
⇓
Poor bastard. No one should have to go through that hell.
#22
⇓
He made a promise to Lois. It was actually in their wedding vows.
#23
⇓
All right, let's get this over with.
#24
⇓
I brought the whitest-looking lettuce from McDonald's I could find.
#25
⇓
I'm hoping it has McNugget smell accidentally on it.
#26
⇓
I brought today's newspaper like you asked so you'd have proof of salad.
#27
⇓
- [camera shutter clicks] - Got it.
#28
⇓
I love my wife. I love my wife.
#29
⇓
I love my wife.
#30
⇓
[gulps, sighs]
#31
⇓
[cheering]
#32
⇓
And inside this local tavern,
#33
⇓
a portly gentleman has just consumed his annual salad.
#34
⇓
I'm Garrison Keillor,
#35
⇓
and I was "MeToo'd" for quaintly groping, so now I'm doing this.
#36
⇓
So, Chris, Meg, you guys excited for your big trip to Washington DC?
#37
⇓
Yeah. The cool kids are bringing a candy-colored version
#38
⇓
of whatever drug the media is most freaking parents out about.
#39
⇓
- What? - Relax, Mom.
#40
⇓
We're being supervised by public school employees
#41
⇓
who themselves are battling their own crippling addictions.
#42
⇓
Peter, are you hearing this?
#43
⇓
I'm not. I'm chewing Cap'n Crunch, I can't hear anything.
#44
⇓
[loud crunching]
#45
⇓
I just worry, but I guess that's what moms do.
#46
⇓
Well, that and give you a recap of everyone who's died that you don't know.
#47
⇓
You know, Leonard died.
#48
⇓
- Who? - Leonard.
#49
⇓
- Okay. - Estelle's pretty upset.
#50
⇓
And right on the heels of Abner.
#51
⇓
- Uh-huh. - You should probably call Edith.
#52
⇓
I'll give you Alfred's number.
#53
⇓
Who the hell are these people?
#54
⇓
Is this just an excuse to say old people's names?
#55
⇓
Vivian.
#56
⇓
[cell phone dings]
#57
⇓
[camera shutter clicks]
#58
⇓
Huh.
#59
⇓
What's the matter? You look upset.
#60
⇓
Eh, it's just, Joe's been pretty stingy with his "ha ha's" over text.
#61
⇓
I think you're probably reading into that.
#62
⇓
No, seriously. Cleveland sends some lame crap and Joe "ha ha's" it.
#63
⇓
I send a photo of me hanging a foreclosure notice over a toilet, nothing.
#64
⇓
I'm telling you, he never laughs at anything of mine.
#65
⇓
He must have given you one at some point.
#66
⇓
I mean, sure, at some point.
#67
⇓
Oh, my God. He's literally never given me one.
#68
⇓
Joe doesn't think I'm funny?
#69
⇓
Oh, thank God you're here. You know funny when you hear it.
#70
⇓
Hey, Ostrich, did you hear that crazy story about the monkey's favorite food?
#71
⇓
It's bananas.
#72
⇓
[ostrich] Hmm.
#73
⇓
[indistinct conversations]
#74
⇓
Hey, gang, I know you're not used to seeing your teachers in shorts,
#75
⇓
so let's get it all out of the way.
#76
⇓
[students gasp]
#77
⇓
They're just legs, guys. Oh, one more thing.
#78
⇓
We do have a surprise chaperone for this trip.
#79
⇓
Everyone say hi to Chris and Meg's mom, Lois Griffin.
#80
⇓
Aah! Woot, woot!
#81
⇓
Did somebody say "cool mom with an Activia fanny pack"?
#82
⇓
They give you a free one if you send in enough lids.
#83
⇓
I've got two fanny packs and a very healthy colon.
#84
⇓
[both] Our chaperone is Mom?
#85
⇓
You're lucky. My mother died last year after a long illness.
#86
⇓
You got your GoFundMe money, so shut up!
#87
⇓
Mom, what the hell are you doing here?
#88
⇓
Are you trying to kill our reputation?
#89
⇓
Oh, relax, you two. I'm gonna be the cool mom, huh?
#90
⇓
I may even have the kids call me Mrs. G.
#91
⇓
[laughs] Mrs. G.
#92
⇓
Can you imagine?
#93
⇓
Just like Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life.
#94
⇓
Nobody knows who that is.
#95
⇓
Come on. Tootie? Blair? Jo?
#96
⇓
Bitch, what you talking about?
#97
⇓
Just settle down, you guys. I promise I won't embarrass you.
#98
⇓
Okay, everyone, I've got candy.
#99
⇓
Everybody reach in but just take one.
#100
⇓
Fanny candy? Fanny candy? Fanny candy?
#101
⇓
Oh, my God, this is terrible.
#102
⇓
This is more embarrassing than when I tried to return that RealDoll.
#103
⇓
Uh, yes, hello, I would like to return my RealDoll.
#104
⇓
[woman on phone] Okay, and what condition is the doll in?
#105
⇓
Um, let's say "fair."
#106
⇓
- Any visible marks? - Some light choking.
#107
⇓
We can't take the doll back if there are choke marks.
#108
⇓
Oh, no, no, no, the choke marks are on me,
#109
⇓
and in her defense, I did have it coming.
#110
⇓
Actually, I don't want to return the RealDoll.
#111
⇓
This is just part of the dance.
#112
⇓
Oh, no. I didn't realize you were there the whole time.
#113
⇓
I hope I'm not in for some light choking.
#114
⇓
Why do you even care if Joe's never laughed at your texts?
#115
⇓
Brian, I know it seems like I have it all, but even I,
#116
⇓
a man with 15 Halloween masks, have my struggles with insecurity.
#117
⇓
So, what are you gonna do?
#118
⇓
I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine.
#119
⇓
From this day forward, I will never laugh at another one of Joe's texts.
#120
⇓
[cell phone dings]
#121
⇓
[laughs]
#122
⇓
His-his mind just works in a different way than mine.
#123
⇓
Oh, no. Accidental heart, accidental heart.
#124
⇓
Quick, replace it with a "ha ha."
#125
⇓
Phew, that was close. I was almost gay.
#126
⇓
Huh. Peter just came out of the closet.
#127
⇓
Uh, no he didn't.
#128
⇓
[announcer] The heart emoji: careful, straight dudes!
#129
⇓
[sighs] Look at us.
#130
⇓
Different generations enjoying a fancy resort.
#131
⇓
- Mom, don't, please. - Quiet, Meg.
#132
⇓
So, I saw a really funny TikTok. Do you know that one?
#133
⇓
You're gonna have to be more specific. Which one?
#134
⇓
Uh, there's-there's more than one?
#135
⇓
Why is everyone leaving?
#136
⇓
You're lame and we don't want to be with you.
#137
⇓
Come on, guys, let's go watch CNBC in the lobby.
#138
⇓
Yeah, I think I saw a bowl of bananas.
#139
⇓
God, those kids are a nightmare.
#140
⇓
They're just so mean.
#141
⇓
Just be thankful this isn't your entire life.
#142
⇓
You get to go home at the end of all of this
#143
⇓
to a family and someone you love.
#144
⇓
Oh, come on, I'm sure there's someone special in your life.
#145
⇓
You know, there was someone.
#146
⇓
A long time ago.
#147
⇓
It was 1993, and I was folding clothes at a Structure.
#148
⇓
Everyone was, back then.
#149
⇓
Then I saw her.
#150
⇓
Shelly Barnes.
#151
⇓
Boy, was she something.
#152
⇓
Tall, tan. She was more scrunchie than woman.
#153
⇓
[Principal Shepherd] We wanted the dream:
#154
⇓
our own Taco Bell franchise.
#155
⇓
But then it happened,
#156
⇓
the one thing you never want to hear.
#157
⇓
Hey, John. I was just thinking.
#158
⇓
What if we open a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut?
#159
⇓
[record scratch]
#160
⇓
[distorted groaning]
#161
⇓
The psychic who told me to do this never said anything about Pizza Hut.
#162
⇓
I was young and bullheaded.
#163
⇓
I had these ideas of what fast food should be.
#164
⇓
Worst part was, when I told her the bad news,
#165
⇓
she threw my retainer right in the bushes.
#166
⇓
I looked for a little bit, but eventually I just said, "Eh, screw it."
#167
⇓
Anyway, that one argument consumed us.
#168
⇓
Never saw Shelly again.
#169
⇓
I'm so sorry to hear all that, Principal Shepherd.
#170
⇓
[groans] Whew, what a day.
#171
⇓
- I need a drink. - Jack on the rocks?
#172
⇓
No, in the toilet, but I'll have that drink now.
#173
⇓
Hey, Joe, you know, you might want to contact your cell carrier.
#174
⇓
All your "ha ha's" are coming through as "thumbs up" lately.
#175
⇓
- Oh, boy. - What's, uh...
#176
⇓
What's with you never laughing at any of my texts?
#177
⇓
Peter, maybe now's not the time.
#178
⇓
- No, no, no, tell me. What is it? - Honestly? Nothing.
#179
⇓
I just don't always think you're all that funny.
#180
⇓
Wow.
#181
⇓
Uh, okay. Wow.
#182
⇓
Look, if I want someone to burp the national anthem,
#183
⇓
there is no second call, it's you or nobody.
#184
⇓
Thank you, Joe. Thank you for saying that.
#185
⇓
When it comes to laughs, you're just not my cup of tea.
#186
⇓
I've never even seen Austin Powers.
#187
⇓
Oh, well, there you go!
#188
⇓
All right, fellas, I got to run. Look, this doesn't change anything, Peter.
#189
⇓
You're my friend. No hard feelings.
#190
⇓
Oh yeah, no hard feelings, like your dink?
#191
⇓
I'll see you around, Peter.
#192
⇓
I'll tell you what, I'm gonna get a laugh from him.
#193
⇓
Hmm. I'm not sure about that.
#194
⇓
Seems like he's prayed on this one.
#195
⇓
Well, I'm gonna give it the old college try.
#196
⇓
[video game beeping]
#197
⇓
- Are you gonna go to class? - No.
#198
⇓
There you are. You're not gonna believe this.
#199
⇓
They got the blood out of the ice machine?
#200
⇓
- No, I found your ex on Facebook. - What?
#201
⇓
Shelly Barnes. She lives only, like, 30 miles from here.
#202
⇓
Hmm. Is 30 miles enough time
#203
⇓
for me to get totally jacked before I see her?
#204
⇓
You can do push-ups in the bus aisle. Let's go find her.
#205
⇓
- [indistinct chatter] - Hey, listen up.
#206
⇓
Anyone seen Principal Shepherd?
#207
⇓
He said he had to go to the men's room and he disappeared.
#208
⇓
[student] I'm not sure.
#209
⇓
I think we're all finger-blasting anything that moves back here.
#210
⇓
I'll be right back.
#211
⇓
Excuse me, have you seen a heavyset, middle-aged man?
#212
⇓
Kind of sad-looking?
#213
⇓
Hmm.
#214
⇓
Oh.
#215
⇓
Hey, you know, there was a guy that left in a yellow cab a few minutes ago.
#216
⇓
He got the number from a magazine in his pocket.
#217
⇓
I've never seen such stretched-out pockets on a sport coat.
#218
⇓
Oh, my God, that's him.
#219
⇓
Principal Shepherd must have run away.
#220
⇓
Do you have any security footage from the lobby?
#221
⇓
Sorry, the only video we have is from the karaoke lounge.
#222
⇓
He killed "Sublime", by the way.
#223
⇓
♪ I don't practice Santeria ♪
#224
⇓
♪ I ain't got no crystal ball ♪
#225
⇓
♪ Well, I had a million dollars but... ♪
#226
⇓
Don't take those fries. I'm not done.
#227
⇓
♪ I'd spend it all If I could find... ♪
#228
⇓
I-I... Ugh, I lost my place. Start it over from the top, Gene.
#229
⇓
Okay, guys, Principal Shepherd is gone.
#230
⇓
Did you check the karaoke lounge?
#231
⇓
He got in a huge fight with that Gene guy.
#232
⇓
I know you think adults are lame.
#233
⇓
That we're just big bags of crap that drink coffee,
#234
⇓
but we are people, too.
#235
⇓
Most of the things you think are important now aren't.
#236
⇓
Looks fade, waists expand, chins double and dreams die.
#237
⇓
And one day, one day, you're gonna wish
#238
⇓
that a bus full of punk kids would come along
#239
⇓
and help when you need it most.
#240
⇓
Now, that man is scared and alone, and he needs us right now.
#241
⇓
Now, who's with me?
#242
⇓
[cheering]
#243
⇓
[sighs] Wait a minute, if Principal Shepherd's gone,
#244
⇓
who's gonna drive the bus?
#245
⇓
[toilet flushes]
#246
⇓
Someone say something about a bus driver?
#247
⇓
I still need six hours of supervised road time
#248
⇓
for my B Class license,
#249
⇓
but I'm pretty sure I can handle this bad boy...
#250
⇓
Meg, let's go find our principal.
#251
⇓
[engine starts]
#252
⇓
- [stomach gurgles] - Ooh, sorry.
#253
⇓
Sorry, guys. I got some, but I think the troublemaker's still in there.
#254
⇓
- [lock clicks] - [fart]
#255
⇓
Can someone please turn on the always-1978 bus radio?
#256
⇓
[radio clicks]
#257
⇓
♪ I cried a tear... ♪
#258
⇓
[loud farting]
#259
⇓
♪ You wiped it dry... ♪
#260
⇓
[all] Ew!
#261
⇓
[Meg] It's not my fault. It's a ballad.
#262
⇓
[RJ] 97.1 WBUS:
#263
⇓
songs you can't poop over on a bus.
#264
⇓
Soft stoolin' our way through the '70s.
#265
⇓
♪ I love you... ♪
#266
⇓
[farting continues]
#267
⇓
♪ I honestly love you... ♪
#268
⇓
[all] Ew!
#269
⇓
[Meg] Change the damn station!
#270
⇓
Whoa, whoa. Where you going?
#271
⇓
I've had it, Brian. I am getting a "ha ha" from Joe
#272
⇓
if it's the last thing I do.
#273
⇓
And how are you planning to do this?
#274
⇓
I'm gonna send a funny text and sneak over to Joe's and "ha ha" it.
#275
⇓
But why are you wearing all black?
#276
⇓
So no one will see me. [chuckles]
#277
⇓
- [tires screech] - [loud thud]
#278
⇓
- [Peter] Aah! - [man] Why are you wearing all black?
#279
⇓
[Peter] Why are you wearing a lady's ball gown?
#280
⇓
[man] Let's both resume whatever it is we were doing.
#281
⇓
[air hissing]
#282
⇓
- [typing] - [text sends]
#283
⇓
[vibrates]
#284
⇓
[straining]
#285
⇓
Aah!
#286
⇓
Who's there?
#287
⇓
[grunting]
#288
⇓
Don't struggle. It only makes it tighter.
#289
⇓
[straining]
#290
⇓
Aah!
#291
⇓
[grunting]
#292
⇓
Peter? What the hell is going on here?
#293
⇓
[Bonnie] Joe? Joe, are you okay?
#294
⇓
Yeah, I'm fine, Bon.
#295
⇓
[Bonnie] Oh.
#296
⇓
We looked all night and there's no sign of Principal Shepherd anywhere.
#297
⇓
Oh, my God, of course. Stop the bus, Meg. Look!
#298
⇓
Gotcha.
#299
⇓
[indistinct conversation]
#300
⇓
- I thought I might find you here. - Mrs. Griffin, I, uh...
#301
⇓
Look, I wanted to say I'm sorry.
#302
⇓
I... I shouldn't have inserted myself into your personal life.
#303
⇓
That... That was wrong of me.
#304
⇓
I know you just wanted to help. I just...
#305
⇓
[sighs] I just panicked. I got so scared of her seeing me now
#306
⇓
and thinking that I'm this big loser.
#307
⇓
Hey, you are not a loser.
#308
⇓
May I remind you I wear Saucony sneakers and Lee jeans.
#309
⇓
[sighs] You...
#310
⇓
You are not a loser.
#311
⇓
[groans]
#312
⇓
Mrs. Griffin, yo quiero one more chance.
#313
⇓
Well, Mr. Griffin, the surgery went according to plan.
#314
⇓
Great, thank you, Dr. Hartman.
#315
⇓
I didn't know how to categorize your injuries
#316
⇓
on the insurance form, so I just put "gay stabbing."
#317
⇓
[stutters] Oh, okay, who else... who else sees that?
#318
⇓
Oh, almost-almost nobody.
#319
⇓
It's just for, like, file-keeping record stuff.
#320
⇓
[cell phone dings]
#321
⇓
Go get 'em.
#322
⇓
Shelly?
#323
⇓
Hi, it's, uh, it's me, John Shepherd.
#324
⇓
- Listen, John, I-I think maybe-- - Hang on.
#325
⇓
Just-just let me say what I want to say.
#326
⇓
God, you look great.
#327
⇓
Listen, I know it must be odd to see me standing here
#328
⇓
all these years later.
#329
⇓
And although I look like a man on the outside--
#330
⇓
Shelly lives in the house next door.
#331
⇓
Oh. Oh, uh, uh, which, uh...
#332
⇓
Oh, the one with the aboveground pool
#333
⇓
and angry dogs tied to the tree in the front yard.
#334
⇓
[dog growling]
#335
⇓
[doorbell rings]
#336
⇓
No way. John Shepherd?
#337
⇓
Is that really you?
#338
⇓
It is. Shelly?
#339
⇓
- [barking] - Shut up! Shut up, you idiots!
#340
⇓
I'd invite you in, but my uncle's getting dialysis
#341
⇓
- right here in the bonus room. - Oh, wow.
#342
⇓
Uh, listen, I was... I was just in the neighborhood.
#343
⇓
I wanted to come by and see how you've been.
#344
⇓
Yeah, not too bad. [belches]
#345
⇓
You know, I ended up opening the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut,
#346
⇓
but it never really took off.
#347
⇓
I think, ultimately, it came down to me trading
#348
⇓
too many pizzas for drugs. [laughs]
#349
⇓
Right, right.
#350
⇓
Listen, I actually got to get these kids somewhere.
#351
⇓
Well, it was nice to see you, John.
#352
⇓
You ever want to hang out, you know where to find me.
#353
⇓
You'll find her in the wind and in the trees around you.
#354
⇓
Where the leaves blow and the river flows.
#355
⇓
I'm sorry, who are you?
#356
⇓
I'm Jared Fogle, the former Subway spokesperson.
#357
⇓
Not sure I want you in my thought bubble.
#358
⇓
- Aren't you in prison? - Yes.
#359
⇓
This is how I spend my days in my cell.
#360
⇓
Hey, how many kids you got on this bus, by the way?
#361
⇓
[grunts] This is why! This is why I don't want you in there!
#362
⇓
Thanks for pushing me to go find my first love.
#363
⇓
Sorry it ended up being such a waste of time.
#364
⇓
No, this was not a waste.
#365
⇓
You just found out you won.
#366
⇓
I did? How so?
#367
⇓
Your ex-girlfriend is a total loser.
#368
⇓
Meanwhile, you have a great job with a pension,
#369
⇓
a house and a car with all different-color doors.
#370
⇓
You're right.
#371
⇓
I guess old Shep's doing okay.
#372
⇓
You sure are. Now, all you got to do
#373
⇓
is just not humiliate yourself on a bus full of children.
#374
⇓
Ooh, on that note,
#375
⇓
I got to make a quick stop in the little boy's room.
#376
⇓
- [lock clicks] - [Principal Shepherd] Turn on the radio!
#377
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♪ You're looking kind of lonely, girl... ♪
#378
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- [farting] - [all] Ew!
#379
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♪ Would you like someone new... ♪
#380
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[all] Ew!
#381
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[Principal Shepherd] This bowl's getting very full.
#382
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I strongly suggest we don't go up or down any hills.
#383
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♪ I'm feeling kind of lonely, too ♪
#384
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♪ If you don't mind ♪
#385
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♪ Can I sit down here beside you? ♪
#386
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[farting continues]
#387
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♪ Ah, yeah ♪
#388
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♪ All right. ♪
#389
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[♪ theme music playing]
#390
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