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Home » Family Guy » S23E02 — Live, Laugh, Love

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 2 — Live, Laugh, Love

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♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

movies seems seems-today today violence

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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

fashioned fashioned-values values

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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

rely used

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

family lucky

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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

lucky positively

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

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♪ Laugh and cry ♪

laugh

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[all] ♪ He's a family guy ♪

family

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Okay, it says "tape sign on back."

sign tape

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Is that... Is that your back, my back?

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I-I got to be honest, I only got called in 45 minutes ago.

called honest minutes

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[sighs] Just pinch my nipples and get out of here.

nipples pinch sighs

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All right, let's get this over with.

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- [camera shutter clicks] - Got it.

camera camera-shutter camera-shutter-clicks clicks shutter shutter-clicks

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I love my wife. I love my wife.

love wife

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I love my wife.

love wife

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[gulps, sighs]

gulps sighs

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[cheering]

cheering

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And inside this local tavern,

local

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a portly gentleman has just consumed his annual salad.

annual gentleman salad

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I'm Garrison Keillor,

garrison

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and I was "MeToo'd" for quaintly groping, so now I'm doing this.

groping

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[loud crunching]

crunching loud

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I just worry, but I guess that's what moms do.

moms worry

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Well, that and give you a recap of everyone who's died that you don't know.

died recap

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You know, Leonard died.

died leonard

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- Who? - Leonard.

leonard

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- Okay. - Estelle's pretty upset.

upset

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And right on the heels of Abner.

heels

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- Uh-huh. - You should probably call Edith.

edith

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I'll give you Alfred's number.

number

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Who the hell are these people?

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Is this just an excuse to say old people's names?

excuse names peoples

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Vivian.

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[camera shutter clicks]

camera camera-shutter camera-shutter-clicks clicks shutter shutter-clicks

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Huh.

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Oh, my God. He's literally never given me one.

given

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Joe doesn't think I'm funny?

funny

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Oh, thank God you're here. You know funny when you hear it.

funny

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Hey, Ostrich, did you hear that crazy story about the monkey's favorite food?

crazy crazy-story favorite food monkeys ostrich story

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It's bananas.

bananas

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[ostrich] Hmm.

ostrich

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[indistinct conversations]

conversations indistinct

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Hey, gang, I know you're not used to seeing your teachers in shorts,

gang seeing shorts teachers used

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so let's get it all out of the way.

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[students gasp]

gasp students

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They're just legs, guys. Oh, one more thing.

legs

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We do have a surprise chaperone for this trip.

chaperone surprise trip

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Everyone say hi to Chris and Meg's mom, Lois Griffin.

chris griffin lois megs

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[both] Our chaperone is Mom?

chaperone

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You're lucky. My mother died last year after a long illness.

died illness lucky mother

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You got your GoFundMe money, so shut up!

money

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Mom, what the hell are you doing here?

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Are you trying to kill our reputation?

kill reputation

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Oh, relax, you two. I'm gonna be the cool mom, huh?

cool relax

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I may even have the kids call me Mrs. G.

kids

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[laughs] Mrs. G.

laughs

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Can you imagine?

imagine

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Just like Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life.

facts life

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Nobody knows who that is.

knows nobody nobody-knows

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Come on. Tootie? Blair? Jo?

blair

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Bitch, what you talking about?

bitch

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Just settle down, you guys. I promise I won't embarrass you.

embarrass promise settle

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Okay, everyone, I've got candy.

candy

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Everybody reach in but just take one.

everybody reach

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Fanny candy? Fanny candy? Fanny candy?

candy fanny

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Oh, my God, this is terrible.

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This is more embarrassing than when I tried to return that RealDoll.

embarrassing return tried

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Uh, yes, hello, I would like to return my RealDoll.

return

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[woman on phone] Okay, and what condition is the doll in?

condition doll phone woman

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Um, let's say "fair."

fair

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- Any visible marks? - Some light choking.

choking light marks visible

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We can't take the doll back if there are choke marks.

choke doll marks

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Oh, no, no, no, the choke marks are on me,

choke marks

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and in her defense, I did have it coming.

coming defense

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Actually, I don't want to return the RealDoll.

return

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This is just part of the dance.

dance part

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Oh, no. I didn't realize you were there the whole time.

realize whole

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I hope I'm not in for some light choking.

choking hope light

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Why do you even care if Joe's never laughed at your texts?

care joes laughed texts

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Brian, I know it seems like I have it all, but even I,

brian seems

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a man with 15 Halloween masks, have my struggles with insecurity.

halloween insecurity masks struggles

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So, what are you gonna do?

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I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine.

decided medicine taste

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From this day forward, I will never laugh at another one of Joe's texts.

another forward joes laugh texts

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[cell phone dings]

cell cell-phone cell-phone-dings dings phone phone-dings

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[laughs]

laughs

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His-his mind just works in a different way than mine.

mind works

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Oh, no. Accidental heart, accidental heart.

accidental heart

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Quick, replace it with a "ha ha."

quick replace

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Phew, that was close. I was almost gay.

close phew

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Huh. Peter just came out of the closet.

closet peter

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Uh, no he didn't.

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[sighs] Look at us.

sighs

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Different generations enjoying a fancy resort.

enjoying fancy generations resort

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- Mom, don't, please. - Quiet, Meg.

quiet

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So, I saw a really funny TikTok. Do you know that one?

funny tiktok

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You're gonna have to be more specific. Which one?

specific

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Uh, there's-there's more than one?

↓

Why is everyone leaving?

leaving

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You're lame and we don't want to be with you.

lame

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Come on, guys, let's go watch CNBC in the lobby.

lobby watch

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Yeah, I think I saw a bowl of bananas.

bananas bowl

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God, those kids are a nightmare.

kids nightmare

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They're just so mean.

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Just be thankful this isn't your entire life.

entire entire-life life thankful

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You get to go home at the end of all of this

home

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to a family and someone you love.

family love

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Oh, come on, I'm sure there's someone special in your life.

life special

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You know, there was someone.

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A long time ago.

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It was 1993, and I was folding clothes at a Structure.

clothes folding structure

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Everyone was, back then.

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Then I saw her.

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Shelly Barnes.

barnes shelly

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Boy, was she something.

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Tall, tan. She was more scrunchie than woman.

tall woman

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[Principal Shepherd] We wanted the dream:

dream principal principal-shepherd shepherd wanted

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our own Taco Bell franchise.

bell franchise taco taco-bell

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But then it happened,

happened

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the one thing you never want to hear.

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Hey, John. I was just thinking.

john thinking

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What if we open a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut?

bell open pizza taco taco-bell

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[record scratch]

record scratch

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[distorted groaning]

distorted groaning

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The psychic who told me to do this never said anything about Pizza Hut.

pizza psychic

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I was young and bullheaded.

young

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I had these ideas of what fast food should be.

fast fast-food food ideas

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Worst part was, when I told her the bad news,

news part worst worst-part

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she threw my retainer right in the bushes.

bushes retainer threw

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I looked for a little bit, but eventually I just said, "Eh, screw it."

eventually looked screw

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Anyway, that one argument consumed us.

argument

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Never saw Shelly again.

shelly

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I'm so sorry to hear all that, Principal Shepherd.

principal principal-shepherd shepherd

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[groans] Whew, what a day.

groans whew

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- I need a drink. - Jack on the rocks?

drink jack rocks

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No, in the toilet, but I'll have that drink now.

drink toilet

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Hey, Joe, you know, you might want to contact your cell carrier.

cell contact might

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All your "ha ha's" are coming through as "thumbs up" lately.

coming lately thumbs

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- Oh, boy. - What's, uh...

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What's with you never laughing at any of my texts?

laughing texts

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Peter, maybe now's not the time.

nows peter

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- No, no, no, tell me. What is it? - Honestly? Nothing.

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I just don't always think you're all that funny.

funny

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Wow.

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Uh, okay. Wow.

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Look, if I want someone to burp the national anthem,

anthem burp national national-anthem

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there is no second call, it's you or nobody.

nobody second

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Thank you, Joe. Thank you for saying that.

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When it comes to laughs, you're just not my cup of tea.

comes laughs

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I've never even seen Austin Powers.

powers seen

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Oh, well, there you go!

↓

All right, fellas, I got to run. Look, this doesn't change anything, Peter.

change fellas peter

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You're my friend. No hard feelings.

feelings friend hard hard-feelings

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Oh yeah, no hard feelings, like your dink?

dink feelings hard hard-feelings

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I'll see you around, Peter.

peter

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I'll tell you what, I'm gonna get a laugh from him.

laugh

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Hmm. I'm not sure about that.

↓

Seems like he's prayed on this one.

seems

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Well, I'm gonna give it the old college try.

college

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[video game beeping]

beeping game video video-game

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- Are you gonna go to class? - No.

class

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There you are. You're not gonna believe this.

believe

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They got the blood out of the ice machine?

blood machine

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- No, I found your ex on Facebook. - What?

facebook found

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Shelly Barnes. She lives only, like, 30 miles from here.

barnes lives miles shelly

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Hmm. Is 30 miles enough time

miles

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for me to get totally jacked before I see her?

jacked

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You can do push-ups in the bus aisle. Let's go find her.

aisle push

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- [indistinct chatter] - Hey, listen up.

chatter indistinct indistinct-chatter

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Anyone seen Principal Shepherd?

principal principal-shepherd seen shepherd

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He said he had to go to the men's room and he disappeared.

disappeared mens mens-room room

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[student] I'm not sure.

student

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I think we're all finger-blasting anything that moves back here.

blasting finger moves

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I'll be right back.

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Excuse me, have you seen a heavyset, middle-aged man?

aged excuse middle middle-aged seen

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Kind of sad-looking?

looking

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Hmm.

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Oh.

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Hey, you know, there was a guy that left in a yellow cab a few minutes ago.

left minutes yellow

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He got the number from a magazine in his pocket.

magazine number pocket

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I've never seen such stretched-out pockets on a sport coat.

coat pockets seen sport

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Oh, my God, that's him.

↓

Principal Shepherd must have run away.

must principal principal-shepherd shepherd

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Do you have any security footage from the lobby?

footage lobby security

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Sorry, the only video we have is from the karaoke lounge.

karaoke lounge video

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He killed "Sublime", by the way.

killed

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♪ I don't practice Santeria ♪

practice

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♪ I ain't got no crystal ball ♪

aint ball crystal

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♪ Well, I had a million dollars but... ♪

dollars million million-dollars

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Don't take those fries. I'm not done.

fries

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♪ I'd spend it all If I could find... ♪

spend

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I-I... Ugh, I lost my place. Start it over from the top, Gene.

gene lost place start

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Okay, guys, Principal Shepherd is gone.

gone principal principal-shepherd shepherd

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Did you check the karaoke lounge?

check karaoke lounge

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He got in a huge fight with that Gene guy.

fight gene huge

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I know you think adults are lame.

adults lame

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That we're just big bags of crap that drink coffee,

bags coffee drink

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but we are people, too.

↓

Most of the things you think are important now aren't.

↓

Looks fade, waists expand, chins double and dreams die.

chins double dreams expand fade

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And one day, one day, you're gonna wish

wish

↓

that a bus full of punk kids would come along

along full kids punk

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and help when you need it most.

↓

Now, that man is scared and alone, and he needs us right now.

alone needs scared

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Now, who's with me?

↓

[cheering]

cheering

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[sighs] Wait a minute, if Principal Shepherd's gone,

gone minute principal shepherds sighs

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who's gonna drive the bus?

drive

↓

[toilet flushes]

flushes toilet toilet-flushes

↓

Someone say something about a bus driver?

driver

↓

I still need six hours of supervised road time

hours road

↓

for my B Class license,

class license

↓

but I'm pretty sure I can handle this bad boy...

handle

↓

Meg, let's go find our principal.

principal

↓

[engine starts]

engine engine-starts starts

↓

- [stomach gurgles] - Ooh, sorry.

gurgles stomach

↓

Sorry, guys. I got some, but I think the troublemaker's still in there.

↓

- [lock clicks] - [fart]

clicks fart lock lock-clicks

↓

Can someone please turn on the always-1978 bus radio?

radio

↓

[radio clicks]

clicks radio

↓

♪ I cried a tear... ♪

cried tear

↓

[loud farting]

farting loud

↓

♪ You wiped it dry... ♪

wiped

↓

[all] Ew!

↓

[Meg] It's not my fault. It's a ballad.

ballad fault

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[RJ] 97.1 WBUS:

↓

songs you can't poop over on a bus.

poop songs

↓

Soft stoolin' our way through the '70s.

soft

↓

♪ I love you... ♪

love

↓

[farting continues]

continues farting

↓

♪ I honestly love you... ♪

love

↓

[all] Ew!

↓

[Meg] Change the damn station!

change station

↓

Whoa, whoa. Where you going?

whoa whoa-whoa

↓

I've had it, Brian. I am getting a "ha ha" from Joe

brian

↓

if it's the last thing I do.

↓

And how are you planning to do this?

planning

↓

I'm gonna send a funny text and sneak over to Joe's and "ha ha" it.

funny joes send sneak text

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But why are you wearing all black?

black wearing

↓

So no one will see me. [chuckles]

chuckles

↓

- [tires screech] - [loud thud]

loud screech thud tires tires-screech

↓

- [Peter] Aah! - [man] Why are you wearing all black?

black peter wearing

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[Peter] Why are you wearing a lady's ball gown?

ball gown ladys peter wearing

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[man] Let's both resume whatever it is we were doing.

resume

↓

[air hissing]

hissing

↓

- [typing] - [text sends]

sends text typing

↓

[vibrates]

vibrates

↓

[straining]

straining

↓

Aah!

↓

Who's there?

↓

[grunting]

grunting

↓

Don't struggle. It only makes it tighter.

makes struggle tighter

↓

[straining]

straining

↓

Aah!

↓

[grunting]

grunting

↓

Peter? What the hell is going on here?

peter

↓

[Bonnie] Joe? Joe, are you okay?

bonnie

↓

Yeah, I'm fine, Bon.

↓

[Bonnie] Oh.

bonnie

↓

We looked all night and there's no sign of Principal Shepherd anywhere.

looked night principal principal-shepherd shepherd sign

↓

Oh, my God, of course. Stop the bus, Meg. Look!

course

↓

Gotcha.

gotcha

↓

[indistinct conversation]

conversation indistinct indistinct-conversation

↓

- I thought I might find you here. - Mrs. Griffin, I, uh...

griffin might

↓

Look, I wanted to say I'm sorry.

wanted

↓

I... I shouldn't have inserted myself into your personal life.

life personal personal-life

↓

That... That was wrong of me.

↓

I know you just wanted to help. I just...

wanted

↓

[sighs] I just panicked. I got so scared of her seeing me now

panicked scared seeing sighs

↓

and thinking that I'm this big loser.

loser thinking

↓

Hey, you are not a loser.

loser

↓

May I remind you I wear Saucony sneakers and Lee jeans.

jeans remind sneakers wear

↓

[sighs] You...

sighs

↓

You are not a loser.

loser

↓

[groans]

groans

↓

Mrs. Griffin, yo quiero one more chance.

chance griffin

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Well, Mr. Griffin, the surgery went according to plan.

according griffin plan surgery

↓

Great, thank you, Dr. Hartman.

hartman

↓

I didn't know how to categorize your injuries

injuries

↓

on the insurance form, so I just put "gay stabbing."

form insurance stabbing

↓

[stutters] Oh, okay, who else... who else sees that?

sees stutters

↓

Oh, almost-almost nobody.

nobody

↓

It's just for, like, file-keeping record stuff.

file keeping record stuff

↓

[cell phone dings]

cell cell-phone cell-phone-dings dings phone phone-dings

↓

Go get 'em.

↓

Shelly?

shelly

↓

Hi, it's, uh, it's me, John Shepherd.

john shepherd

↓

- Listen, John, I-I think maybe-- - Hang on.

hang john

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Just-just let me say what I want to say.

↓

God, you look great.

↓

Listen, I know it must be odd to see me standing here

must standing

↓

all these years later.

years

↓

And although I look like a man on the outside--

↓

Shelly lives in the house next door.

door house lives shelly

↓

Oh. Oh, uh, uh, which, uh...

↓

Oh, the one with the aboveground pool

pool

↓

and angry dogs tied to the tree in the front yard.

angry dogs front front-yard tied tree yard

↓

[dog growling]

growling

↓

[doorbell rings]

doorbell doorbell-rings rings

↓

No way. John Shepherd?

john shepherd

↓

Is that really you?

↓

It is. Shelly?

shelly

↓

- [barking] - Shut up! Shut up, you idiots!

barking idiots

↓

I'd invite you in, but my uncle's getting dialysis

dialysis invite uncles

↓

- right here in the bonus room. - Oh, wow.

bonus room

↓

Uh, listen, I was... I was just in the neighborhood.

neighborhood

↓

I wanted to come by and see how you've been.

wanted

↓

Yeah, not too bad. [belches]

belches

↓

You know, I ended up opening the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut,

bell ended opening pizza taco taco-bell

↓

but it never really took off.

↓

I think, ultimately, it came down to me trading

trading ultimately

↓

too many pizzas for drugs. [laughs]

drugs laughs pizzas

↓

Right, right.

↓

Listen, I actually got to get these kids somewhere.

kids

↓

Well, it was nice to see you, John.

john

↓

You ever want to hang out, you know where to find me.

hang

↓

You'll find her in the wind and in the trees around you.

trees wind

↓

Where the leaves blow and the river flows.

blow flows leaves river

↓

I'm sorry, who are you?

↓

I'm Jared Fogle, the former Subway spokesperson.

former jared spokesperson subway

↓

Not sure I want you in my thought bubble.

bubble

↓

- Aren't you in prison? - Yes.

prison

↓

This is how I spend my days in my cell.

cell days spend

↓

Hey, how many kids you got on this bus, by the way?

kids

↓

[grunts] This is why! This is why I don't want you in there!

grunts

↓

Thanks for pushing me to go find my first love.

love pushing thanks

↓

Sorry it ended up being such a waste of time.

ended waste

↓

No, this was not a waste.

waste

↓

You just found out you won.

found

↓

I did? How so?

↓

Your ex-girlfriend is a total loser.

girlfriend loser total

↓

Meanwhile, you have a great job with a pension,

meanwhile pension

↓

a house and a car with all different-color doors.

color doors house

↓

You're right.

↓

I guess old Shep's doing okay.

↓

You sure are. Now, all you got to do

↓

is just not humiliate yourself on a bus full of children.

children full humiliate

↓

Ooh, on that note,

note

↓

I got to make a quick stop in the little boy's room.

boys quick room

↓

- [lock clicks] - [Principal Shepherd] Turn on the radio!

clicks lock lock-clicks principal principal-shepherd radio shepherd

↓

♪ You're looking kind of lonely, girl... ♪

girl lonely looking

↓

- [farting] - [all] Ew!

farting

↓

♪ Would you like someone new... ♪

↓

[all] Ew!

↓

[Principal Shepherd] This bowl's getting very full.

bowls full principal principal-shepherd shepherd

↓

I strongly suggest we don't go up or down any hills.

hills strongly suggest

↓

♪ I'm feeling kind of lonely, too ♪

feeling lonely

↓

♪ If you don't mind ♪

mind

↓

♪ Can I sit down here beside you? ♪

beside

↓

[farting continues]

continues farting

↓

♪ Ah, yeah ♪

↓

♪ All right. ♪

↓

[♪ theme music playing]

music music-playing playing theme theme-music theme-music-playing

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