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Home » Family Guy » S23E01 — Fat Gun

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 1 — Fat Gun

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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

seems seems-today today

↓

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

movies violence

↓

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

fashioned fashioned-values values

↓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

rely used

↓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

family lucky

↓

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

lucky positively

↓

♪ All the things that make us ♪

↓

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

laugh

↓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

family

↓

[♪ triumphant music playing]

music music-playing playing triumphant triumphant-music triumphant-music-playing

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Come on, Slider, let's get some air.

↓

Hot in here, right?

↓

Oh, now she's wiping down bottles.

bottles wiping

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She's running out the clock on me.

clock running

↓

[♪ romantic music playing]

music music-playing playing romantic romantic-music

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[microphone feedback echoes]

echoes feedback microphone microphone-feedback

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♪ You never close your eyes ♪

close eyes

↓

♪ Anymore when I kiss your lips ♪

anymore kiss lips

↓

No, thank you. Not interested.

interested

↓

♪ You're trying hard not to show it ♪

hard

↓

Guys, please.

↓

♪ Baby ♪

baby

↓

A complete misfire.

complete

↓

♪ But, baby ♪

baby

↓

I'm saying no!

↓

♪ Believe me, I know it ♪

believe

↓

I did not ask for this.

↓

♪ You've lost that loving feeling... ♪

feeling lost loving

↓

Eighty visibly-aroused servicemen

aroused eighty

↓

are trying to pressure me into a sexual relationship.

pressure relationship sexual

↓

♪ That loving feeling... ♪

feeling loving

↓

Ah, what the hell.

↓

It's an '80s movie, so after ten nos,

movie

↓

I have to be your girlfriend.

girlfriend

↓

[all cheering]

cheering

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- Yeah, right. - Talk to them, Goose.

goose

↓

It's true. We gave it the finger.

finger

↓

Yeah, if you're not a Goodyear, get out of my sky.

↓

And where exactly did you see this blimp?

↓

That's classified.

classified

↓

I also flew over a million miles an hour once.

flew hour miles million million-miles

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- What? When? - Also classified.

classified

↓

Oh, he's just saying "classified" to cover up obvious lies.

classified cover lies obvious

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No, I'm not. They're all true.

↓

I'm six feet tall.

feet feet-tall tall

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- Stand up. - Classified!

classified stand

↓

♪ I'm all right ♪

↓

♪ Don't nobody worry 'bout me ♪

bout nobody worry

↓

♪ Why you got to give me a fight? ♪

fight

↓

♪ Why don't you just let me be? ♪

↓

- ♪ Let me be ♪ - ♪ I'm all right ♪

↓

♪ Nobody worry about me ♪

nobody worry

↓

♪ Why you got to give me a fight? ♪

fight

↓

♪ Can't you just let it be? ♪

↓

♪ I'm all right ♪

↓

- ♪ I'm all right ♪ - ♪ I'm all right ♪

↓

- Out! - What? That was clearly in.

↓

It was on the other side of the line.

line side

↓

You mean the crooked line you made with your foot?

crooked foot line

↓

Screw that! [grunts]

grunts screw

↓

That was our only ball.

ball

↓

All right, all right, sorry, I'll get it.

↓

Damn it!

↓

We might need to send this up the chain of command.

chain command might send

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Men, the Navy is nothing if we can't play jean shorts,

jean jean-shorts navy shorts

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shiny-guy volleyball. Any ideas?

ideas shiny volleyball

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What if we bomb it?

bomb

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Bingo bango.

bango bingo

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[beeping]

beeping

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[Peter] I got missile lock. Firing.

firing lock peter

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Yeah! Thanks, taxpayers.

thanks

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Game on.

game

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Oh, here come the fish.

fish

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Wow, that was some good teacher sex.

teacher

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Hey, sorry I yelled, "Talk to me, Goose" when I finished.

finished goose yelled

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Well, I know we've only known each other for a few days,

days known

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and that you've publicly undermined me

publicly

↓

in front of everyone, but I think

front

↓

I'm falling for you, Mav.

falling

↓

And once I get approval from the elders at my church,

approval church elders

↓

and you're properly vetted,

properly

↓

I think I'll be falling for you, too.

falling

↓

I'm just worried about you.

worried

↓

You need to start playing by the rules.

playing rules start

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If I cared about rules, I wouldn't be lying

cared lying rules

↓

in this bed dry-crusted to your bedsheets.

↓

[groans] That's why I gave you the wet wipe.

groans wipe

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You got nothing to worry about, babe.

babe worry

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Goose isn't gonna die like in my very vivid dream,

dream goose

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and you for sure won't be left out of the second movie.

left movie second

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- What? - What?

↓

So, Charlie, you and Mav are pretty serious, huh?

charlie serious

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I heard he pooped at your house last night.

heard house night pooped

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[chuckles] What?

chuckles

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I've known him for a long time,

known

↓

and he does not just poop anywhere.

poop

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He's very particular.

particular

↓

Because Navy toilets don't have doors.

doors navy toilets

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You learn to hold it.

learn

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Goose, can I talk to you a sec?

goose

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Did you tell your wife I had a BM?

wife

↓

Unless you are a fool, that boy is in love with you.

fool love

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Oh, I like him, but he also keeps spitting out

keeps spitting

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random facts about L. Ron Hubbard.

facts random

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Little bit of a red flag.

flag

↓

Did you know L. Ron Hubbard was the youngest ever Eagle Scout?

eagle scout youngest

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I don't know if that's true.

↓

Suppressive person!

person suppressive

↓

It'll be nice to have another wife in the group,

another group itll wife

↓

especially for that second movie we'll all definitely be in.

especially movie second

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Hey, Goose, take me to bed

goose

↓

or lose me forever!

forever lose

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Just so you know, if you do want to lose her forever,

forever lose

↓

my church is really good at that.

church

↓

[Brian over radio] This is it, gentlemen.

brian gentlemen radio

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Whoever wins today, wins Top Gun.

today wins

↓

Good luck.

luck

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'Sup, weenies?

↓

You left your coffee on top of your plane.

coffee left plane

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Damn it. I can't even without that.

↓

Kill-your-co-pilot-says "what?"

kill pilot

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What?

↓

Talk to me, Goose. Where's our target?

goose target

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[Joe] Bogey is two miles, headed away.

headed miles

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Ready to engage. You know, if we're gonna win this thing,

engage ready

↓

we're gonna need the right flying music.

flying music

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♪ We'll get higher and higher ♪

higher

↓

♪ Straight up we'll climb... ♪

climb straight

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Eh, I'm not feeling this.

feeling

↓

What? That was perfect.

perfect

↓

I just want to check Jammin' 95.5,

check

↓

Miramar's Party Hits for a sec.

hits party

↓

We're not supposed to touch the presets, man.

supposed touch

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The Navy said only Easy 97, The Coast.

coast easy navy

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I'm close.

close

↓

Don't push it, Mav.

push

↓

Just a little bit more.

↓

And got it!

↓

♪ You spin me right round, baby, right round... ♪

baby round spin

↓

Oh, no, we're stuck in a spin!

spin stuck

↓

Perfect song, though.

perfect song

↓

Engine one is out! Change it back!

change engine

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The dial's stuck!

stuck

↓

♪ Baby, right round... ♪

baby round

↓

Engine two is out!

engine

↓

♪ Right round round, round... ♪

round

↓

We're losing altitude! We're gonna have to eject!

altitude eject losing

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- Pull on three! - Pull on three or after three?

pull three

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- What's the difference? - One is on, one is after.

difference

↓

Uh, let's just pull on two.

pull

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On or after two?

↓

Aah!

↓

Talk to me, Goose.

goose

↓

You're not talking to me, Goose.

goose

↓

[DJ] You're listening to Easy 97, The Coast.

coast easy listening

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[♪ nostalgic music playing, Little River Band "Reminiscing"]

band music music-playing playing river

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♪ Hurry, don't be late ♪

hurry late

↓

♪ I can hardly wait ♪

hardly

↓

♪ I said to myself ♪

↓

♪ When we're old ♪

↓

[♪ "Taps" playing]

playing taps

↓

Bump.

bump

↓

Set.

↓

Spike!

spike

↓

Bump.

bump

↓

Set.

↓

- Spike! - [balls bounce]

balls bounce spike

↓

Hey. I'm sorry about Goose.

goose

↓

I want you to know, when he died,

died

↓

we were more than five miles out,

five five-miles miles

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so I could have done anything I wanted with his body,

body wanted

↓

but I didn't.

↓

That does bring me some peace.

bring peace

↓

Here's his helmet.

helmet

↓

There's still some blood and brains in it.

blood brains

↓

Sorry, I washed it at one of those beach foot showers,

beach foot showers washed

↓

but they're pretty strictly timed.

strictly

↓

Maybe, um, keep it in that box.

↓

I promise that I will always be there for you guys,

promise

↓

and I'll for sure give you a huge part in the next movie.

huge movie part

↓

- I know-- - Provided both our faces

faces provided

↓

age proportionally with each other's.

others

↓

Glad we agreed on that.

agreed glad

↓

I'm gonna talk to your son for a second.

second

↓

Hey, your dad loved you very much.

loved

↓

And you're gonna grow up to have a stupid mustache

grow mustache stupid

↓

just like him one day.

↓

- You think so? - I know so.

↓

[♪ sad music playing]

music music-playing playing

↓

[sniffs]

sniffs

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Maverick, I'm sorry about Goose.

goose maverick

↓

[sniffs] Everybody liked him.

everybody liked sniffs

↓

[sniffs]

sniffs

↓

Smells like balls in here.

balls smells

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Let's get ready to fly now!

ready

↓

- I quit. - What? Are you serious?

quit serious

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Yeah. All I ever wanted was to be a pilot,

pilot wanted

↓

but now I think I want to be a guy

↓

who turns on roller coasters.

coasters roller turns

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It looks easy, and I can do it drunk.

drunk easy

↓

I know you're sad about Goose,

goose

↓

but you're too good a pilot to quit.

pilot quit

↓

And we need your help for a special mission

mission special

↓

against an unnamed country who's our enemy.

country enemy

↓

Ooh, I hate those guys.

hate

↓

Yeah, what they did was not okay.

↓

What do you say? Will you fly?

↓

No. I'm too sad about Goose,

goose

↓

so I'm gonna go sulk in some of my other movies for a while.

movies

↓

You want answers?

answers

↓

- I want the Goose! - You can't handle the Goose!

goose handle

↓

Show me the money!

money

↓

Talk to me, Goose.

goose

↓

I think I might have the wrong number!

might number

↓

Hey, what's the weight limit on these lower-y things, Goose?

goose limit lower weight

↓

May I have the password, please?

password

↓

- "Talk to me, Goose"? - No, that's not it.

goose

↓

- "Goose, talk to me"? - No.

goose

↓

- It's something with "Goose." - It's not. You must leave.

goose must

↓

Can I please stay for the sex party?

party

↓

I already Binaca'd my stuff like the sign on the wall said.

sign stuff wall

↓

- "The Goose is loose." - Go!

goose loose

↓

Okay, I'm done being sad,

↓

and I'm ready for the big final mission now.

final mission ready

↓

Maverick? We flew that mission 35 years ago.

flew maverick mission years

↓

You've been sulking for three decades.

decades three

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Oh. So, is this still Top Gun?

↓

No. This is Top Gun: Maverick.

maverick

↓

It's completely different and exactly the same.

completely

↓

I'm glad you're back.

glad

↓

Yet another unnamed country that is our enemy

another country enemy

↓

is planning something big.

planning

↓

Oh. [growls] Them.

growls

↓

We need you to help train a new crop of pilots for the mission.

crop mission pilots train

↓

I appreciate the offer, sir, but I can't accept.

accept appreciate offer

↓

I understand.

↓

Then we'll need to take back your Navy-issued lifts

issued lifts navy

↓

that make you everyone else's height.

elses height

↓

No, no, no, that... No, no, that-- No, that's fine.

↓

- I... I can, I can teach. - Good.

teach

↓

Oh, there's one other thing you should know.

↓

One of the pilots you'll be training is Goose's son.

pilots training

↓

- [music stops] - Who's Goose?

goose music music-stops stops

↓

What? Goose.

goose

↓

The guy you just spent 35 years mourning.

mourning spent years

↓

Oh! Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, Goose.

goose

↓

[chuckling] Yeah, oh, wow, brain toot.

brain chuckling toot

↓

Yeah, thanks for the heads-up.

heads thanks

↓

Welcome to Top Gun: Maverick.

maverick welcome

↓

Our mission, destroy a uranium enrichment plant

destroy mission plant

↓

in that unnamed country that is our enemy.

country enemy

↓

Man, I want to cream those guys!

cream

↓

To complete this mission, I propose we fly

complete mission propose

↓

at a low altitude, undetected through a canyon,

altitude canyon

↓

then destroy the target.

destroy target

↓

All in under two and a half minutes. Questions?

half minutes questions

↓

Yeah, this mission seems really similar

mission seems similar

↓

to the one in Star Wars.

star star-wars wars

↓

People can fly low and shoot a small thing

shoot

↓

without it being a Star Wars.

star star-wars wars

↓

Yeah, but the text on the screen even says,

screen text

↓

"Womp rat-sized target."

sized target

↓

Don't look at the screen.

screen

↓

Any other questions not about Star Wars?

questions star star-wars wars

↓

Why'd you kill my dad?

kill whyd

↓

- No more questions! - Do you do your own stunts?

questions stunts

↓

Well, maybe one more.

↓

As a matter of fact, I do.

fact matter

↓

Had you not heard that?

heard

↓

Anyway, I'm gonna fly the mission.

mission

↓

You're all cut except for Goose's son.

except

↓

So why are we even here?

↓

Only stunt questions from you, Bob.

questions stunt

↓

I'm Bob?

↓

[coughs]

coughs

↓

Iceman.

↓

Ah, it's good to see you again.

↓

We have so many memories together.

memories

↓

Anyway, I need your advice.

advice

↓

If I don't pick Rooster for the mission,

mission pick rooster

↓

he's never gonna forgive me for everything.

forgive

↓

But I'm afraid he's not ready.

afraid ready

↓

What should I do?

↓

Thanks, Iceman. I knew you'd know what to do.

thanks

↓

So, are you all silent and scarfed because you're dying?

dying silent

↓

No, is that what people are saying?

↓

No, I'm just on vocal rest for karaoke later.

karaoke rest vocal

↓

I'm 100% totally fine.

↓

I've never felt better in my li--

↓

- ["Taps" plays] - Aw, he died.

died plays taps

↓

Five miles to target. Try to keep up, Rooster.

five five-miles miles rooster target

↓

Not gonna be a problem.

problem

↓

Let's keep the small talk to a minimum.

minimum

↓

Got it.

↓

So, how's your dad doing, good?

↓

You killed him.

killed

↓

Yeah, and I was more than five miles out,

five five-miles miles

↓

and I could have done anything with his body, but I didn't.

body

↓

Yeah, the more you say that,

↓

the more I don't think it's true.

↓

Are you angry at me for pulling your papers

angry papers pulling

↓

from the Naval Academy?

academy

↓

'Cause I've already forgiven myself for that.

forgiven

↓

I had a whole scene with Iceman and Iceman's computer about it.

computer scene whole

↓

This is about everything, my dad, the papers.

papers

↓

And why'd you write my mom out of the sequel?

whyd write

↓

[Peter] It's complicated.

complicated peter

↓

There's scheduling conflicts and different creative visions,

conflicts creative scheduling visions

↓

and it wouldn't be fair to her

fair

↓

to use her in a way that's inorganic to the narrative.

narrative

↓

Inorganic? I should be 40 years old,

years

↓

but somehow I'm, like, 20?

↓

Oh, people don't care about those details,

care details

↓

as long as you have loud jets and America kicking ass.

america jets kicking loud

↓

That was awesome!

awesome

↓

Hey, let's take a selfie to celebrate.

celebrate selfie

↓

This is totally main-feed material.

feed main material

↓

Maverick, no!

maverick

↓

Oh, no! We lost 'em.

lost

↓

They's gone, sir.

gone

↓

Well, I know it's only 12:15,

↓

but that's all we had to do today, so...

today

↓

- long weekend! - [cheering]

cheering weekend

↓

Aw, one of my AirPods fell out.

fell

↓

Rooster!

rooster

↓

[grunts] Do you think I took that missile

grunts

↓

so you could be down here with me?

↓

You should be back at the carrier by now.

↓

I was trying to save you.

save

↓

No, I was trying to save you.

save

↓

Look, I'm sorry, Rooster.

rooster

↓

For your dad, for pulling your papers,

papers pulling

↓

and for signing you up for Gavin Newsom's text messages.

messages signing text

↓

I responded "STOP" and it just wouldn't stop.

responded

↓

Why were you doing all these things?

↓

To protect you. At first.

protect

↓

Then I kind of got addicted to the idea

addicted idea

↓

of controlling every minute detail of a person's life.

controlling detail life minute persons

↓

Get down, Mav!

↓

I also replaced your weapons with gender reveal things.

gender replaced reveal weapons

↓

That is the last thing, though, I swear.

swear

↓

[all] Aw.

↓

Hello, Maverick.

maverick

↓

You guys are the bad guys? Why?

↓

Why do you think?

↓

We were important parts of that first movie,

movie parts

↓

and you just tossed all the women aside.

aside tossed women

↓

Yet you somehow figured out how to keep in a guy

figured

↓

who's literally unable to speak.

speak unable

↓

This is all a big misunderstanding, and I can fix it.

misunderstanding

↓

They're talking about doing another Jerry Maguire.

another jerry

↓

How would you like to be the fat head kid's grandma?

grandma head kids

↓

And you can be Minority Report's grandma.

grandma minority reports

↓

I got grandma parts for all of you.

grandma parts

↓

How come you get to be a 60-year-old action star

action star

↓

and we have to be grandmas?

grandmas

↓

We can do action, too, you know.

action

↓

And we're gonna prove it right now.

prove

↓

Let me just put on my reading glasses, hold on.

glasses reading

↓

Wait. You're right.

↓

You both brought up some painful memories,

brought memories painful

↓

or engrams.

↓

What if I told you that, through a series of audits,

series

↓

I can help you go clear and liberate the thetan

clear

↓

trapped inside your astral shell?

shell trapped

↓

Is that like horoscopes?

↓

It is kind of like stars and space stuff.

space stars stuff

↓

Yeah, if you want, I can go grab an E-meter from my plane.

grab meter plane

↓

You know, I have been feeling a little off

feeling

↓

since the last half-moon.

half moon

↓

Okay, be quick.

quick

↓

- I can't believe they fell for that crap. - Oh, yeah, such crap,

believe fell

↓

definitely not something I've left two families over.

families left

↓

What are you doing, Mav?

↓

I'm getting us out of here.

↓

You sure this old thing can even fly?

↓

It's not that old.

↓

Look at its full head of log cabin brown hair.

brown cabin full hair head

↓

I know horoscopes are a little flimflammy,

↓

but people act like they're fortune cookies...

cookies fortune fortune-cookies

↓

Damn it, they're stealing that very young plane!

plane stealing young

↓

We're never gonna lose 'em in this thing.

lose

↓

We can't take much more of this.

↓

We're gonna have to eject.

eject

↓

I'm gonna climb, then we'll eject on three.

climb eject three

↓

On three or after three?

three

↓

You're just like your stupid father.

father stupid

↓

[beeping]

beeping

↓

Take the shot.

shot

↓

[screaming]

screaming

↓

Iceman! He's alive!

alive

↓

Yay! Saved by a guy!

saved

↓

[♪ triumphant music playing]

music music-playing playing triumphant triumphant-music triumphant-music-playing

↓

[cheering]

cheering

↓

It's good to have my wingman back.

wingman

↓

I thought we lost you.

lost

↓

Nope. I'm as healthy as I've ever--

healthy nope

↓

- ["Taps" plays] - Aw, he died again.

died plays taps

↓

Well, that was pretty fun.

fun

↓

Top Gun: Maverick went on to make

maverick

↓

over a billion dollars at the box office.

billion billion-dollars dollars office

↓

You know what that means?

↓

People are going to the movies again.

movies

↓

Isn't that right, Tiny Tom Cruise?

cruise tiny

↓

That's right, Peter. Now let's jump!

jump peter

↓

Why are we jumping again?

jumping

↓

So people will watch your stuff,

stuff watch

↓

and because I don't know I'm not in a movie

movie

↓

- all the time. - [Peter shouts]

peter shouts

↓

You do your own stunts?

stunts

↓

Oh, yeah, were you not aware of that?

aware

↓

[♪ triumphant music playing]

music music-playing playing triumphant triumphant-music triumphant-music-playing

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