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Season 23, Episode 5 — The Chicken or the Meg
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
#1
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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
#1
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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
#1
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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
#2
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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
#2
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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
#2
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♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
#3
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♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
#3
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♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
#3
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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
#4
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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
#4
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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
#4
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
#5
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
#5
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♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
#6
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♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
#6
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
#7
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
#7
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♪ Laugh and cry! ♪
#8
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♪ Laugh and cry! ♪
#8
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[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪
#9
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[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪
#9
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Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
#10
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Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
#10
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The hot new reality dating show Sex Farm
#11
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The hot new reality dating show Sex Farm
#11
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is coming to Quahog.
#12
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is coming to Quahog.
#12
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Contestants conceal their identities
#13
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Contestants conceal their identities
#13
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by dressing as farm animals in hopes of finding love.
#14
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by dressing as farm animals in hopes of finding love.
#14
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Auditions are being held all week
#15
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Auditions are being held all week
#15
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at the long-empty Miramax offices downtown.
#16
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at the long-empty Miramax offices downtown.
#16
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Imagine naming a company after your mother
#17
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Imagine naming a company after your mother
#17
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and then molesting everyone who comes in.
#18
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and then molesting everyone who comes in.
#18
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Auditions? [gasps] Maybe I could meet my person.
#19
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Auditions? [gasps] Maybe I could meet my person.
#19
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Your "person"?
#20
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Your "person"?
#20
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Oh, is your "person" a good "human"?
#21
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You gonna post your engagement ring with,
#22
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"So, this just happened"?
#23
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You gonna hashtag #VanLife?
#24
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You gonna get murdered in Florida?
#25
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No one's gonna look for you, you basic white bitch.
#26
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This is gonna be awesome.
#27
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- I'm gonna try out. - Well, good luck.
#28
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I hope your reality show goes better than mine did.
#29
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[announcer] This season on Alone,
#30
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twelve contestants will be dropped in the wilderness.
#31
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Remember, you're on camera, so don't masturbate.
#32
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I didn't even make it to the ground.
#33
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Thank you for coming in today, Meg.
#34
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We're excited to see if you have what it takes
#35
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to be on Sex Farm.
#36
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Thanks. So, is there anything I need to do for this audition?
#37
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No. Most of modern auditions
#38
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is just us going through all your old tweets
#39
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to see if there are any racist or homophobic slurs.
#40
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Now, I see you've never retweeted Bowen Yang. Why?
#41
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I see that I was wrong, and I now understand
#42
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comedy is mostly about getting angry at funny things.
#43
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[indistinct whispering]
#44
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You're in.
#45
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[Corey] This season on Sex Farm, we're in Quahog, Rhode Island,
#46
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with an all-new cast of horny livestock.
#47
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[moos]
#48
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What's going on, guys?
#49
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It's me, Corey, from Corey's World.
#50
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After being virally ambushed
#51
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while screaming at my stepmom in a Walmart,
#52
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I've taken a demotion from YouTube to network television.
#53
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And I am totally less-profitably stoked
#54
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to be your host tonight on Sex Farm.
#55
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Let's get to know these filthy animals.
#56
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[The Librarian] No middle-aged spinster here,
#57
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I'm just a frisky little pussycat.
#58
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[laughs]
#59
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[Principal Shepherd] I'm here because sleeping in a barn
#60
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is preferable to an unfurled wrestling mat.
#61
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[Meg] I'm ready to swine and dine.
#62
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Oink, oink, boink, boink.
#63
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[snorts]
#64
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Yuck. The herd will decide who stays
#65
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to continue their journey for love
#66
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and who gets put out to pasture.
#67
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All part of the barn dance here on Sex Farm,
#68
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where our pronouns are "yee" and "haw."
#69
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I... I don't get that.
#70
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[Meg] Hey, there. Nice ass.
#71
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I'm wondering if you're down for some porkin'.
#72
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[Bruce] Oh, my, that's going right at it, isn't it?
#73
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Sorry, little piggy, I think you's a sloppin'
#74
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at the wrong trough.
#75
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[Meg] Oh, uh, sorry.
#76
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Uh, hey, there. Nice ass.
#77
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I'm wondering if you're down for some porkin'.
#78
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[Principal Shepherd] I had to take 80 milligrams
#79
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of Thorazine 'cause I'm having
#80
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a claustrophobic freak-out in here.
#81
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So, pass.
#82
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[Chicken] Wow, you really packed that away in a hurry.
#83
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[Meg] Thanks.
#84
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I may be dressed like a pig,
#85
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but I have two stomachs like a cow.
#86
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[Chicken laughs] You're funny.
#87
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[Meg] It's not really a joke.
#88
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I'm not expected to live past 40.
#89
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[Chicken] Looks like I made it just under the wire.
#90
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[Meg] I'm only 18.
#91
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[Chicken] Oh, your Liberty Mutual tote bag threw me off.
#92
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[Meg] It's how I carry my loose fruit.
#93
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[Chicken] I like you. You don't try very hard.
#94
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[Meg] Oh, I'm trying very hard.
#95
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What's going on, guys? It's your boy Corey.
#96
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Be sure to check me out on Cameo.
#97
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The producers said I couldn't mention it,
#98
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but I'm betting they don't even watch the show.
#99
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So, a big part of finding love on the farm
#100
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is having our contestants go on dates
#101
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and then be surprised by a musical act
#102
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you've never heard of.
#103
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I couldn't believe it. We walked around the corner,
#104
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and there was Barton James.
#105
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♪ Won't you hold my hand... ♪
#106
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- [Meg] Oh, my God. - [Chicken] I love this song.
#107
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♪ Make me understand... ♪
#108
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Barton James and a girl in a pig mask?
#109
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Yeah, it was a pretty good day.
#110
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♪ Man ♪
#111
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Check it out, guys, Barton James' new album Country Girl is now available
#112
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exclusively on Deezer.
#113
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We had to say that or he wouldn't show up.
#114
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[announcer] Devout Christian Barton James was unvaccinated
#115
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and a general pain in the ass to deal with.
#116
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What's going on, guys?
#117
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Dates have ended, and it's almost time
#118
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to find out who's got the heat
#119
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and who's being turned into meat.
#120
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Fan favorite The Cow is recovering nicely
#121
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from his panic attack at Group Coop.
#122
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I don't really care if I fall in love.
#123
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I just need to be done with this show,
#124
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like, as soon as possible.
#125
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I haven't taken a normal breath in...
#126
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[gasps]
#127
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...three days. [exhales]
#128
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Guys, if you or someone you know
#129
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is struggling with anxiety or depression,
#130
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go to SexFarm-BummedOut.com.
#131
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Wild cards Pig and Chicken really hit it off
#132
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at the group feces bath.
#133
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Let's see if their connection continues
#134
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on their mandatory reality-show helicopter ride.
#135
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[Chicken] I really like spending time with you.
#136
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You're so spontaneous.
#137
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[Meg] I really like you, too.
#138
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And I'm sorry for that fart you're gonna smell.
#139
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I knew you wouldn't hear it,
#140
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but I didn't think it was gonna be as bad as it was.
#141
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[Chicken] I actually did hear it.
#142
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And I think I might be falling in love with you.
#143
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[pilot] Hey, guys,
#144
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what was the one rule I had?
#145
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[Meg/Chicken] No farting in the helicopter.
#146
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No farting in the helicopter.
#147
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I killed bin Laden, now I'm doing this.
#148
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Before we find out which couple will be the first
#149
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put out to pasture, we're gonna put up a QR code
#150
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that's a direct link to Deezer,
#151
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where you can hear Barton James' duet with Kyle Rittenhouse.
#152
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And the first eliminated couple is...
#153
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Pig and Chicken.
#154
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Which means fan favorite Cow remains on the farm.
#155
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[Principal Shepherd] I told producer Josh I desperately want to go home.
#156
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Pig and Chicken, turn in your hay
#157
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and head to the slaughterhouse.
#158
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Hey, I'm sorry I dragged you down.
#159
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And I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of Bethenny Frankel.
#160
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[Chicken] That was Bethenny Frankel?
#161
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I thought it was a scarecrow.
#162
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[Meg] Well, the crows were scared.
#163
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- Is she gone? - [sighs] I... I don't know.
#164
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I... I mean, I want the corn, but I don't want to have to hear
#165
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about how much trouble she's having dating.
#166
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[moans]
#167
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[Meg] Well, I guess this is it.
#168
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It was nice while it lasted.
#169
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Wait, Pig!
#170
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- [Meg] Yes? - I don't even know your name.
#171
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I'm Meg.
#172
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I'm just worried you won't be as attracted to me
#173
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when I take this off.
#174
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[Chicken] You're dressed like a pig.
#175
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I'll take my chances.
#176
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[Chicken] I was right.
#177
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You are prettier than a pig.
#178
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Your turn.
#179
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And I don't care what you look like under that mask.
#180
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[Chicken] That's good, because...
#181
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I'm a chicken.
#182
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My name is Nugget.
#183
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Wait a minute, you're not related to the giant chicken, are you?
#184
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He's my dad.
#185
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[gasps]
#186
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What is it, Peter?
#187
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I forgot to go to college.
#188
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Oh, Meg, there you are.
#189
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Sit down. We're watching Sex Farm.
#190
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- Have you seen it? - Mom, I was on it.
#191
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- I was the pig. - What?
#192
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Yeah, I don't remember that, either, but check it out.
#193
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The cow escaped and then a fan vote brought him back.
#194
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They caught him hiding on one of those Chick-fil-A billboards.
#195
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Once again, please stop voting for me.
#196
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This is a cry for help. I swear to God, I'll jump.
#197
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That guy is so funny.
#198
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I'm gonna vote for him a hundred times.
#199
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Well, have fun.
#200
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Where are you going all dolled up?
#201
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What? Oh, that is not offensive to dolls.
#202
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Stop trying to make yourself angry.
#203
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- I have a date. - With who?
#204
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Um, nobody you know. See you later.
#205
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- [door opens, closes] - She's dating again?
#206
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Whatever happened to that illusionist she was seeing?
#207
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I never left, Peter.
#208
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Wow. Wait, why are you still here?
#209
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Well, I'm an illusionist, so I'm either homeless
#210
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or I have a $100 million residency in Las Vegas.
#211
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Oh, my God, the cow is really gonna jump.
#212
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You made me do this.
#213
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- This is on you, producer Josh. - [all gasp]
#214
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- [thuds] - I'm all right.
#215
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I landed just so.
#216
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It's so cool learning about your world.
#217
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So, okay, tell me this,
#218
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is Colonel Sanders like your Adolf Hitler?
#219
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No, the colonel is an honest man.
#220
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Our Adolf Hitler is Kenny Rogers,
#221
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with his stupid Kenny Rogers Roasters.
#222
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Kenny Rogers? The gambler?
#223
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[sighs] No, not the gambler.
#224
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He was the narrator who met up with the gambler,
#225
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and then shared things he had learned from the gambler
#226
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but at no point was the gambler.
#227
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Well, all I know is that he looked like he was 40
#228
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from the time he was 20 until the time he was 90.
#229
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And died unable to close his eyes, yes.
#230
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Now, how about that picnic?
#231
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["When a Man Loves a Woman" tune plays]
#232
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♪ When a girl loves a chicken ♪
#233
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♪ Can't keep her mind on nothing else ♪
#234
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♪ She'd trade the world ♪
#235
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♪ For the good thing she's found ♪
#236
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[laughing]
#237
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♪ When a girl loves a chicken ♪
#238
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♪ I know exactly how ♪
#239
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♪ She feels ♪
#240
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[yawns]
#241
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That was the best night's sleep
#242
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I've had in ages.
#243
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I love you, Meg, and not just because
#244
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you have "egg" in your name.
#245
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I love you, too, Nugget.
#246
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I want to keep seeing you, but what if our dads find out?
#247
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I guess we'll have to live a lie, like George Santos.
#248
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Hi, I'm gay-straight Jewish Nazi George Santos,
#249
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and I approve this message.
#250
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Which is to say it's the worst thing that's happened to me
#251
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since I died on 9/11. Good morning night.
#252
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[announcer] This was written 18 months ago. New lies not included.
#253
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[knocking]
#254
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Nugget? What are you doing here?
#255
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I was in the neighborhood and thought we could
#256
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Netflix and chill or Peacock and [bleep].
#257
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[announcer] Peacock. Somehow we don't have Seinfeld or Friends,
#258
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and we can't show you The Cosby Show.
#259
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Hey, Meg, can you give me a hand
#260
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clasping these Mr. T medallions?
#261
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I have an event.
#262
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Who's your fine-feathered friend?
#263
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Dad, this is my boyfriend Nugget.
#264
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His father is the giant chicken.
#265
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[gasps]
#266
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That's it, young lady,
#267
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no Peacock for a month.
#268
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No Peacock?
#269
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But where will I watch The Croods?
#270
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That's not my problem.
#271
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[announcer] Peacock. I don't think we have
#272
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The West Wing either.
#273
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Of all the chickens Meg could have chosen,
#274
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she had to choose that one.
#275
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Oh, Peter, you got to back off.
#276
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My father never stopped berating me
#277
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when I was dating you, so as an act of defiance
#278
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I married you just to spite him.
#279
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That seems irrelevant. [sighs]
#280
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I don't know, Lois, it feels like
#281
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I've lost my daughter.
#282
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Which means I have two sons.
#283
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If I'm lucky, they'll join the army,
#284
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and I'll be notified that they both died
#285
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on the same day.
#286
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[♪ mournful music playing]
#287
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Your two sons died getting their heads shaved
#288
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at orientation.
#289
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They didn't even make it to the barracks.
#290
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Oh, the cost of freedom!
#291
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Here's a flag we didn't bother to fold.
#292
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I really want to thank you for inviting me to dinner,
#293
⇓
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
#294
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Hey, Nugget, you ever seen that video of Fabio
#295
⇓
getting hit in the face by a goose?
#296
⇓
- It's hilarious. - Not for the goose.
#297
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- She was killed. - Oh, then that's doubly funny.
#298
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Fabio's got a bloody nose and a bird is dead.
#299
⇓
Mr. Griffin, that goose had a name.
#300
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It was Evelyn. And she had 23 children.
#301
⇓
Here, let me show you her GoFundMe page.
#302
⇓
What's your guys' Wi-Fi password?
#303
⇓
It's "ChickensAreScum," and then 22 exclamation points.
#304
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It's on the bulletin board for when we Airbnb the house.
#305
⇓
Peter, we are not Airbnb-ing the house.
#306
⇓
Eh, it might be too late for that.
#307
⇓
Hey, is there any soap in the upstairs bathroom?
#308
⇓
If you read the PDF, it said you had to bring your own soap.
#309
⇓
Well, I'll just use the shampoo as soap.
#310
⇓
He's a medical student.
#311
⇓
You know, you guys are being very rude to my boyfriend.
#312
⇓
- I love him. - I've had enough.
#313
⇓
Meg, I'm giving you an old tomato.
#314
⇓
And a final demand or statement of terms,
#315
⇓
the rejection of which will result in retaliation
#316
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or a permanent cessation of relations.
#317
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You either break up with him or you break up with me.
#318
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You can't date us both.
#319
⇓
Dad, you and I aren't dating.
#320
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Oh, so you've made your choice, then.
#321
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Well, I'd like my tomato back.
#322
⇓
I'll pack my bags.
#323
⇓
What bags? She literally owns nothing.
#324
⇓
Guys, before I go, I have one thing to say.
#325
⇓
Is this a "pause The Last of Us" type of conversation
#326
⇓
or can I "uh-huh" my way through this?
#327
⇓
- Peter, turn it off. - Uh-huh.
#328
⇓
If you don't accept Nugget, you don't accept me.
#329
⇓
I'm moving in with him.
#330
⇓
You know what the British are gonna call this?
#331
⇓
Megxit. They're a clever little island.
#332
⇓
Meg, please don't go.
#333
⇓
You're my only daughter
#334
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and I can't imagine living without you.
#335
⇓
Plus, I need your vote to keep a Billy Bass
#336
⇓
- out of our living room. - I'm sorry, Mom.
#337
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My decision has been made. Goodbye.
#338
⇓
Well, now seems like a good time
#339
⇓
to reopen the Billy Bass vote.
#340
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All in favor, say aye.
#341
⇓
- Aye. - Aye.
#342
⇓
- All opposed? - Nay.
#343
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- Present. - Coward.
#344
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Billy Bass approved.
#345
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Billy, what do you think Meg's gonna say
#346
⇓
to the Uber driver?
#347
⇓
♪ Take me to the river ♪
#348
⇓
♪ Drop me in the water ♪
#349
⇓
Ah, we are thriving without Meg.
#350
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Is something wrong, Peter? You've barely touched our food.
#351
⇓
I heard from Bonnie that Meg moved out of the house
#352
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and Lois could never breastfeed.
#353
⇓
What? How'd you hear that?
#354
⇓
Oh, Bonnie subscribes to a service
#355
⇓
that alerts her any time another mom fails.
#356
⇓
- That's wild. - I know.
#357
⇓
Donna gives Cleveland Jr.
#358
⇓
unlimited video game time, but...
#359
⇓
Peter, isn't it weird with Meg out of the house?
#360
⇓
Nah, it's fine. Although, we got a lot more mice
#361
⇓
- around the house now. - Mice?
#362
⇓
Yeah, Meg handled all our rodent problems.
#363
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She used to just squeeze 'em and pop their heads off.
#364
⇓
All except one that she'd leave alive
#365
⇓
to run and go tell the story to the others.
#366
⇓
Meg's a nice girl.
#367
⇓
Yeah, when I remodeled my house,
#368
⇓
Meg hauled away all the discarded insulation.
#369
⇓
Don't know what she did with it.
#370
⇓
Oh, yeah, Meg's great.
#371
⇓
She sold me a ton of insulation super-cheap.
#372
⇓
Oh, my God, you guys are right.
#373
⇓
This one time, Meg fell down the stairs
#374
⇓
and she... and... and she broke her clavicle.
#375
⇓
[laughing]
#376
⇓
You guys, I think I miss Meg.
#377
⇓
Was there gonna be more to the story about the stairs?
#378
⇓
What do you say we go to the giant chicken's house
#379
⇓
and get my daughter back?
#380
⇓
- I'm in. - Let's do it.
#381
⇓
So the laughing was 'cause your daughter hurt herself?
#382
⇓
Honey, did you order a fat bag of crap?
#383
⇓
Stand aside. I'm here to get my daughter back.
#384
⇓
She's not coming with you.
#385
⇓
- She's perfectly happy here. - Are you sure?
#386
⇓
We can make this worth your while.
#387
⇓
We're prepared to trade Brittney Griner.
#388
⇓
Hey, stop trading me.
#389
⇓
I just want to play basketball.
#390
⇓
And smoke weed, apparently.
#391
⇓
I wasn't smoking it, I was just carrying it.
#392
⇓
Whatever. I'm still mad we traded for you
#393
⇓
instead of that other guy, whose name
#394
⇓
I had never heard of and can no longer remember.
#395
⇓
Yeah, that poor guy.
#396
⇓
Bring him home, whatever his name is.
#397
⇓
Dad, what are you doing here?
#398
⇓
Meg, this nonsense has to stop.
#399
⇓
You're a Griffin, and...
#400
⇓
it's time to, uh... Do...
#401
⇓
do your neighbors always have that bounce house
#402
⇓
or is this... is it a special occasion?
#403
⇓
- I really don't know. - Okay, yeah, but Meg,
#404
⇓
I mean it. We all miss you, and...
#405
⇓
Oh, a heavy lady's rolling into it.
#406
⇓
Probably the aunt who likes to have fun.
#407
⇓
Wow, her face got red quick.
#408
⇓
Dad, I told you, Nugget and his family
#409
⇓
treat me better than you guys ever did.
#410
⇓
And I won't be coming home. Dad?
#411
⇓
It's a Iron Man house!
#412
⇓
Okay, you know what, I think we need to regroup here.
#413
⇓
We're sorry to have bothered you.
#414
⇓
I squashed a boy.
#415
⇓
Oh, come on, cheer up, Peter.
#416
⇓
Look, the best thing to do to put all this Meg drama behind us
#417
⇓
is a fun family activity that we can all do together.
#418
⇓
You know, I was supposed to be here today anyway,
#419
⇓
but then Tyler cancelled his birthday party.
#420
⇓
Ice cream sundae bar with Haribo brand gummi bears?
#421
⇓
[children chanting] Tyler! Tyler! Tyler!
#422
⇓
Hey, Ty. Guess we got our wires crossed, huh?
#423
⇓
I... It was a numbers thing.
#424
⇓
I think his parents made him invite the T-ball kids.
#425
⇓
[Meg whoops]
#426
⇓
All right, Dad! Yeah! [whoops]
#427
⇓
- Good job, Giant Chicken! - Yes!
#428
⇓
[sighs] I've lost my daughter.
#429
⇓
Come on, gang.
#430
⇓
Group selfie for the family Instagram account.
#431
⇓
Everybody say "seeds."
#432
⇓
[all] Seeds!
#433
⇓
Griffin? What do you want?
#434
⇓
Um, I, uh...
#435
⇓
Meg, do you have a flat dollar bill
#436
⇓
for the change machine?
#437
⇓
I wanted to play the arcades.
#438
⇓
- We don't play the arcades. - Nerds.
#439
⇓
Because we have stand-up games
#440
⇓
- in our basement rec room. - Aw.
#441
⇓
Guess you'll just have to make do
#442
⇓
with your crinkled ones.
#443
⇓
[laughing]
#444
⇓
Eh.
#445
⇓
Honey, the scattered grain is delicious.
#446
⇓
- You outdid yourself. - Well, don't thank me.
#447
⇓
Thank the good people at Monsanto,
#448
⇓
who make delicious grain that's packed with
#449
⇓
antidepressants and steroids.
#450
⇓
I'm so glad you decided to come live with us, Meg.
#451
⇓
Me too.
#452
⇓
But I couldn't help feel a little sorry for my dad
#453
⇓
at the bowling alley.
#454
⇓
He bowled with the lane guards up.
#455
⇓
Without the jeopardy of a gutter ball,
#456
⇓
what is bowling?
#457
⇓
He just has his own way of doing things.
#458
⇓
- Yeah, the wrong way. - Honey...
#459
⇓
No, she knows. That's why she left.
#460
⇓
No. I left because I love your son,
#461
⇓
not because I hate my dad.
#462
⇓
Meg, either you hate your dad
#463
⇓
or you leave this house.
#464
⇓
[gasps] An old tomato.
#465
⇓
You're just like him.
#466
⇓
What did you say?
#467
⇓
You're just... like... him.
#468
⇓
Wait, I... I can't hit you. You're a girl.
#469
⇓
Huh.
#470
⇓
[chicken family screaming]
#471
⇓
Oh, Meg, I'm so happy you realized
#472
⇓
your place is here at home with your father.
#473
⇓
It really wasn't that.
#474
⇓
It's just... all my stuff is here.
#475
⇓
What stuff?
#476
⇓
Also, turns out Nugget's gay.
#477
⇓
I saw his texts and it's all tiny cocks.
#478
⇓
Oh, "Nugget" Nugget?
#479
⇓
[♪ theme music playing]
#480
⇓
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