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Home » Family Guy » S23E05 — The Chicken or the Meg

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 5 — The Chicken or the Meg

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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

seems seems-today today

↓

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

movies violence

↓

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

fashioned fashioned-values values

↓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

rely used

↓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

family lucky

↓

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

lucky positively

↓

♪ All the things that make us ♪

↓

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

laugh

↓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

family

↓

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

evening tucker

↓

The hot new reality dating show Sex Farm

dating farm reality

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is coming to Quahog.

coming quahog

↓

Contestants conceal their identities

contestants identities

↓

by dressing as farm animals in hopes of finding love.

animals dressing farm finding hopes love

↓

Auditions are being held all week

auditions held week

↓

at the long-empty Miramax offices downtown.

downtown empty offices

↓

Imagine naming a company after your mother

company imagine mother naming

↓

and then molesting everyone who comes in.

comes

↓

Auditions? [gasps] Maybe I could meet my person.

auditions gasps meet person

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[announcer] This season on Alone,

alone announcer season

↓

twelve contestants will be dropped in the wilderness.

contestants dropped twelve wilderness

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Remember, you're on camera, so don't masturbate.

camera masturbate remember

↓

I didn't even make it to the ground.

ground

↓

I see that I was wrong, and I now understand

↓

comedy is mostly about getting angry at funny things.

angry comedy funny mostly

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You're in.

↓

[Corey] This season on Sex Farm, we're in Quahog, Rhode Island,

corey farm island quahog rhode rhode-island season

↓

with an all-new cast of horny livestock.

cast horny

↓

[moos]

↓

What's going on, guys?

↓

It's me, Corey, from Corey's World.

corey world

↓

After being virally ambushed

↓

while screaming at my stepmom in a Walmart,

screaming walmart

↓

I've taken a demotion from YouTube to network television.

network taken television youtube

↓

And I am totally less-profitably stoked

less stoked

↓

to be your host tonight on Sex Farm.

farm host tonight

↓

Let's get to know these filthy animals.

animals filthy

↓

Yuck. The herd will decide who stays

decide herd stays yuck

↓

to continue their journey for love

continue journey love

↓

and who gets put out to pasture.

↓

All part of the barn dance here on Sex Farm,

barn barn-dance dance farm part

↓

where our pronouns are "yee" and "haw."

↓

I... I don't get that.

↓

What's going on, guys? It's your boy Corey.

corey

↓

Be sure to check me out on Cameo.

check

↓

The producers said I couldn't mention it,

mention producers

↓

but I'm betting they don't even watch the show.

betting watch

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So, a big part of finding love on the farm

farm finding love part

↓

is having our contestants go on dates

contestants dates having

↓

and then be surprised by a musical act

musical surprised

↓

you've never heard of.

heard

↓

I couldn't believe it. We walked around the corner,

believe corner walked

↓

and there was Barton James.

barton james

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♪ Won't you hold my hand... ♪

hand

↓

- [Meg] Oh, my God. - [Chicken] I love this song.

chicken love song

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♪ Make me understand... ♪

↓

Barton James and a girl in a pig mask?

barton girl james mask

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Yeah, it was a pretty good day.

↓

♪ Man ♪

↓

Check it out, guys, Barton James' new album Country Girl is now available

album available barton check country girl james

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exclusively on Deezer.

↓

We had to say that or he wouldn't show up.

↓

What's going on, guys?

↓

Dates have ended, and it's almost time

dates ended

↓

to find out who's got the heat

heat

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and who's being turned into meat.

meat turned

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Fan favorite The Cow is recovering nicely

favorite nicely recovering

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from his panic attack at Group Coop.

attack coop group panic panic-attack

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I don't really care if I fall in love.

care fall love

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I just need to be done with this show,

↓

like, as soon as possible.

possible

↓

I haven't taken a normal breath in...

breath normal taken

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[gasps]

gasps

↓

...three days. [exhales]

days exhales three three-days

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Guys, if you or someone you know

↓

is struggling with anxiety or depression,

anxiety depression struggling

↓

Wild cards Pig and Chicken really hit it off

cards chicken wild

↓

at the group feces bath.

bath feces group

↓

Let's see if their connection continues

connection continues

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on their mandatory reality-show helicopter ride.

helicopter mandatory reality ride

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[Chicken] I really like spending time with you.

chicken spending

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You're so spontaneous.

spontaneous

↓

[Meg] I really like you, too.

↓

And I'm sorry for that fart you're gonna smell.

fart smell

↓

I knew you wouldn't hear it,

↓

but I didn't think it was gonna be as bad as it was.

↓

[Chicken] I actually did hear it.

chicken

↓

And I think I might be falling in love with you.

falling love might

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[pilot] Hey, guys,

pilot

↓

what was the one rule I had?

rule

↓

[Meg/Chicken] No farting in the helicopter.

chicken farting helicopter

↓

No farting in the helicopter.

farting helicopter

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I killed bin Laden, now I'm doing this.

killed laden

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Before we find out which couple will be the first

couple

↓

put out to pasture, we're gonna put up a QR code

code

↓

that's a direct link to Deezer,

direct link

↓

where you can hear Barton James' duet with Kyle Rittenhouse.

barton duet james kyle

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And the first eliminated couple is...

couple eliminated

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Pig and Chicken.

chicken

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Which means fan favorite Cow remains on the farm.

farm favorite remains

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[Principal Shepherd] I told producer Josh I desperately want to go home.

desperately home josh principal principal-shepherd producer shepherd

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Pig and Chicken, turn in your hay

chicken

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and head to the slaughterhouse.

head slaughterhouse

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Hey, I'm sorry I dragged you down.

dragged

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And I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of Bethenny Frankel.

embarrassed front

↓

[Chicken] That was Bethenny Frankel?

chicken

↓

I thought it was a scarecrow.

scarecrow

↓

[Meg] Well, the crows were scared.

crows scared

↓

- Is she gone? - [sighs] I... I don't know.

gone sighs

↓

I... I mean, I want the corn, but I don't want to have to hear

corn

↓

about how much trouble she's having dating.

dating having trouble

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[moans]

moans

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[Meg] Well, I guess this is it.

↓

It was nice while it lasted.

lasted

↓

Wait, Pig!

↓

- [Meg] Yes? - I don't even know your name.

name

↓

I'm Meg.

↓

I'm just worried you won't be as attracted to me

attracted worried

↓

when I take this off.

↓

[Chicken] You're dressed like a pig.

chicken dressed

↓

I'll take my chances.

chances

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[Chicken] I was right.

chicken

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You are prettier than a pig.

prettier

↓

Your turn.

↓

And I don't care what you look like under that mask.

care mask

↓

[Chicken] That's good, because...

chicken

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I'm a chicken.

chicken

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My name is Nugget.

name nugget

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Wait a minute, you're not related to the giant chicken, are you?

chicken giant minute related

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He's my dad.

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[gasps]

gasps

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What is it, Peter?

peter

↓

I forgot to go to college.

college forgot

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Oh, Meg, there you are.

↓

Sit down. We're watching Sex Farm.

farm watching

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- Have you seen it? - Mom, I was on it.

seen

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- I was the pig. - What?

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Yeah, I don't remember that, either, but check it out.

check remember

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The cow escaped and then a fan vote brought him back.

brought escaped vote

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They caught him hiding on one of those Chick-fil-A billboards.

billboards caught chick hiding

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Once again, please stop voting for me.

voting

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This is a cry for help. I swear to God, I'll jump.

jump swear

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That guy is so funny.

funny

↓

I'm gonna vote for him a hundred times.

hundred hundred-times times vote

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Well, have fun.

fun

↓

Where are you going all dolled up?

↓

What? Oh, that is not offensive to dolls.

dolls offensive

↓

Stop trying to make yourself angry.

angry

↓

- I have a date. - With who?

date

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Um, nobody you know. See you later.

nobody

↓

- [door opens, closes] - She's dating again?

closes dating door door-opens door-opens-closes opens opens-closes

↓

Whatever happened to that illusionist she was seeing?

happened seeing

↓

I never left, Peter.

left peter

↓

Wow. Wait, why are you still here?

↓

Well, I'm an illusionist, so I'm either homeless

homeless

↓

or I have a $100 million residency in Las Vegas.

million residency vegas

↓

Oh, my God, the cow is really gonna jump.

jump

↓

You made me do this.

↓

- This is on you, producer Josh. - [all gasp]

gasp josh producer

↓

- [thuds] - I'm all right.

thuds

↓

I landed just so.

landed

↓

It's so cool learning about your world.

cool learning world

↓

So, okay, tell me this,

↓

is Colonel Sanders like your Adolf Hitler?

adolf colonel hitler

↓

No, the colonel is an honest man.

colonel honest

↓

Our Adolf Hitler is Kenny Rogers,

adolf hitler kenny rogers

↓

with his stupid Kenny Rogers Roasters.

kenny rogers stupid

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Kenny Rogers? The gambler?

gambler kenny rogers

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[sighs] No, not the gambler.

gambler sighs

↓

He was the narrator who met up with the gambler,

gambler narrator

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and then shared things he had learned from the gambler

gambler learned shared

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but at no point was the gambler.

gambler point

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Well, all I know is that he looked like he was 40

looked

↓

from the time he was 20 until the time he was 90.

↓

And died unable to close his eyes, yes.

close died eyes unable

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Now, how about that picnic?

picnic

↓

["When a Man Loves a Woman" tune plays]

loves plays tune woman

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♪ When a girl loves a chicken ♪

chicken girl loves

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♪ Can't keep her mind on nothing else ♪

mind

↓

♪ She'd trade the world ♪

shed trade world

↓

♪ For the good thing she's found ♪

found

↓

[laughing]

laughing

↓

♪ When a girl loves a chicken ♪

chicken girl loves

↓

♪ I know exactly how ♪

↓

♪ She feels ♪

feels

↓

[yawns]

yawns

↓

That was the best night's sleep

best nights nights-sleep sleep

↓

I've had in ages.

ages

↓

I love you, Meg, and not just because

love

↓

you have "egg" in your name.

name

↓

I love you, too, Nugget.

love nugget

↓

I want to keep seeing you, but what if our dads find out?

dads seeing

↓

I guess we'll have to live a lie, like George Santos.

george live

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Hi, I'm gay-straight Jewish Nazi George Santos,

george jewish nazi straight

↓

and I approve this message.

approve message

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Which is to say it's the worst thing that's happened to me

happened worst

↓

since I died on 9/11. Good morning night.

died morning night

↓

[knocking]

knocking

↓

Nugget? What are you doing here?

nugget

↓

I was in the neighborhood and thought we could

neighborhood

↓

Netflix and chill or Peacock and [bleep].

bleep chill netflix peacock

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Hey, Meg, can you give me a hand

hand

↓

clasping these Mr. T medallions?

↓

I have an event.

event

↓

Who's your fine-feathered friend?

friend

↓

Dad, this is my boyfriend Nugget.

boyfriend nugget

↓

His father is the giant chicken.

chicken father giant

↓

[gasps]

gasps

↓

That's it, young lady,

lady young young-lady

↓

no Peacock for a month.

month peacock

↓

No Peacock?

peacock

↓

But where will I watch The Croods?

watch

↓

That's not my problem.

problem

↓

Of all the chickens Meg could have chosen,

chickens chosen

↓

she had to choose that one.

choose

↓

Oh, Peter, you got to back off.

peter

↓

My father never stopped berating me

berating father stopped

↓

when I was dating you, so as an act of defiance

dating

↓

I married you just to spite him.

married spite

↓

That seems irrelevant. [sighs]

irrelevant seems sighs

↓

I don't know, Lois, it feels like

feels lois

↓

I've lost my daughter.

daughter lost

↓

Which means I have two sons.

sons

↓

If I'm lucky, they'll join the army,

army join lucky

↓

and I'll be notified that they both died

died notified

↓

on the same day.

↓

[♪ mournful music playing]

music music-playing playing

↓

Your two sons died getting their heads shaved

died heads shaved sons

↓

at orientation.

orientation

↓

They didn't even make it to the barracks.

↓

Oh, the cost of freedom!

cost freedom

↓

Here's a flag we didn't bother to fold.

bother flag fold

↓

I really want to thank you for inviting me to dinner,

dinner inviting

↓

Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.

griffin

↓

Hey, Nugget, you ever seen that video of Fabio

nugget seen video

↓

getting hit in the face by a goose?

face goose

↓

- It's hilarious. - Not for the goose.

goose hilarious

↓

- She was killed. - Oh, then that's doubly funny.

doubly funny killed

↓

Fabio's got a bloody nose and a bird is dead.

bird bloody dead nose

↓

Mr. Griffin, that goose had a name.

goose griffin name

↓

It was Evelyn. And she had 23 children.

children

↓

Here, let me show you her GoFundMe page.

page

↓

What's your guys' Wi-Fi password?

password

↓

It's "ChickensAreScum," and then 22 exclamation points.

exclamation points

↓

It's on the bulletin board for when we Airbnb the house.

airbnb board bulletin house

↓

Peter, we are not Airbnb-ing the house.

airbnb house peter

↓

Eh, it might be too late for that.

late might

↓

Hey, is there any soap in the upstairs bathroom?

bathroom soap upstairs

↓

If you read the PDF, it said you had to bring your own soap.

bring read soap

↓

Well, I'll just use the shampoo as soap.

shampoo soap

↓

He's a medical student.

medical student

↓

You know, you guys are being very rude to my boyfriend.

boyfriend rude

↓

- I love him. - I've had enough.

love

↓

Meg, I'm giving you an old tomato.

giving tomato

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And a final demand or statement of terms,

demand final statement terms

↓

the rejection of which will result in retaliation

rejection result

↓

or a permanent cessation of relations.

permanent relations

↓

You either break up with him or you break up with me.

break

↓

You can't date us both.

date

↓

Dad, you and I aren't dating.

dating

↓

Oh, so you've made your choice, then.

choice

↓

Well, I'd like my tomato back.

tomato

↓

I'll pack my bags.

bags pack

↓

What bags? She literally owns nothing.

bags owns

↓

Guys, before I go, I have one thing to say.

↓

Is this a "pause The Last of Us" type of conversation

conversation pause type

↓

or can I "uh-huh" my way through this?

↓

- Peter, turn it off. - Uh-huh.

peter

↓

If you don't accept Nugget, you don't accept me.

accept nugget

↓

I'm moving in with him.

moving

↓

You know what the British are gonna call this?

british

↓

Megxit. They're a clever little island.

clever island

↓

Meg, please don't go.

↓

You're my only daughter

daughter

↓

and I can't imagine living without you.

imagine living

↓

Plus, I need your vote to keep a Billy Bass

bass billy plus vote

↓

- out of our living room. - I'm sorry, Mom.

living living-room room

↓

My decision has been made. Goodbye.

decision goodbye

↓

Well, now seems like a good time

seems

↓

to reopen the Billy Bass vote.

bass billy reopen vote

↓

All in favor, say aye.

favor

↓

- Aye. - Aye.

↓

- All opposed? - Nay.

opposed

↓

- Present. - Coward.

coward present

↓

Billy Bass approved.

approved bass billy

↓

Billy, what do you think Meg's gonna say

billy megs

↓

to the Uber driver?

driver uber uber-driver

↓

♪ Take me to the river ♪

river

↓

♪ Drop me in the water ♪

drop water

↓

Ah, we are thriving without Meg.

thriving

↓

Is something wrong, Peter? You've barely touched our food.

barely food peter touched

↓

I heard from Bonnie that Meg moved out of the house

bonnie heard house moved

↓

and Lois could never breastfeed.

lois

↓

What? How'd you hear that?

howd

↓

Oh, Bonnie subscribes to a service

bonnie service

↓

that alerts her any time another mom fails.

another fails

↓

- That's wild. - I know.

wild

↓

Donna gives Cleveland Jr.

cleveland donna gives

↓

unlimited video game time, but...

game unlimited video video-game

↓

Peter, isn't it weird with Meg out of the house?

house peter weird

↓

Nah, it's fine. Although, we got a lot more mice

mice

↓

- around the house now. - Mice?

house mice

↓

Yeah, Meg handled all our rodent problems.

handled problems rodent

↓

She used to just squeeze 'em and pop their heads off.

heads squeeze used

↓

All except one that she'd leave alive

alive except shed

↓

to run and go tell the story to the others.

others story

↓

Meg's a nice girl.

girl megs

↓

Yeah, when I remodeled my house,

house

↓

Meg hauled away all the discarded insulation.

↓

Don't know what she did with it.

↓

Oh, yeah, Meg's great.

megs

↓

She sold me a ton of insulation super-cheap.

cheap sold super

↓

Oh, my God, you guys are right.

↓

This one time, Meg fell down the stairs

fell stairs

↓

and she... and... and she broke her clavicle.

broke

↓

[laughing]

laughing

↓

You guys, I think I miss Meg.

miss

↓

Was there gonna be more to the story about the stairs?

stairs story

↓

What do you say we go to the giant chicken's house

chickens giant house

↓

and get my daughter back?

daughter

↓

- I'm in. - Let's do it.

↓

So the laughing was 'cause your daughter hurt herself?

daughter hurt laughing

↓

Honey, did you order a fat bag of crap?

honey order

↓

Stand aside. I'm here to get my daughter back.

aside daughter stand

↓

She's not coming with you.

coming

↓

- She's perfectly happy here. - Are you sure?

happy perfectly

↓

We can make this worth your while.

worth

↓

We're prepared to trade Brittney Griner.

brittney prepared trade

↓

Hey, stop trading me.

trading

↓

I just want to play basketball.

basketball

↓

And smoke weed, apparently.

apparently smoke smoke-weed weed

↓

I wasn't smoking it, I was just carrying it.

carrying smoking

↓

Whatever. I'm still mad we traded for you

traded

↓

instead of that other guy, whose name

name

↓

I had never heard of and can no longer remember.

heard longer remember

↓

Yeah, that poor guy.

poor

↓

Bring him home, whatever his name is.

bring home name

↓

Dad, what are you doing here?

↓

Meg, this nonsense has to stop.

nonsense

↓

You're a Griffin, and...

griffin

↓

it's time to, uh... Do...

↓

do your neighbors always have that bounce house

bounce house neighbors

↓

or is this... is it a special occasion?

occasion special

↓

- I really don't know. - Okay, yeah, but Meg,

↓

I mean it. We all miss you, and...

miss

↓

Oh, a heavy lady's rolling into it.

heavy ladys rolling

↓

Probably the aunt who likes to have fun.

aunt fun likes

↓

Wow, her face got red quick.

face quick

↓

Dad, I told you, Nugget and his family

family nugget

↓

treat me better than you guys ever did.

treat

↓

And I won't be coming home. Dad?

coming coming-home home

↓

It's a Iron Man house!

house iron

↓

Okay, you know what, I think we need to regroup here.

regroup

↓

We're sorry to have bothered you.

bothered

↓

I squashed a boy.

squashed

↓

Oh, come on, cheer up, Peter.

cheer peter

↓

Look, the best thing to do to put all this Meg drama behind us

behind best drama

↓

is a fun family activity that we can all do together.

activity family fun

↓

You know, I was supposed to be here today anyway,

supposed today

↓

but then Tyler cancelled his birthday party.

birthday birthday-party cancelled party tyler

↓

Ice cream sundae bar with Haribo brand gummi bears?

bears brand cream sundae

↓

[children chanting] Tyler! Tyler! Tyler!

chanting children tyler

↓

Hey, Ty. Guess we got our wires crossed, huh?

crossed wires

↓

I... It was a numbers thing.

numbers

↓

I think his parents made him invite the T-ball kids.

ball invite kids parents

↓

[Meg whoops]

whoops

↓

All right, Dad! Yeah! [whoops]

whoops

↓

- Good job, Giant Chicken! - Yes!

chicken giant

↓

[sighs] I've lost my daughter.

daughter lost sighs

↓

Come on, gang.

gang

↓

Group selfie for the family Instagram account.

account family group instagram selfie

↓

Everybody say "seeds."

everybody seeds

↓

[all] Seeds!

seeds

↓

Griffin? What do you want?

griffin

↓

Um, I, uh...

↓

Meg, do you have a flat dollar bill

bill dollar dollar-bill flat

↓

for the change machine?

change machine

↓

I wanted to play the arcades.

wanted

↓

- We don't play the arcades. - Nerds.

nerds

↓

Because we have stand-up games

games stand

↓

- in our basement rec room. - Aw.

basement room

↓

Guess you'll just have to make do

↓

with your crinkled ones.

ones

↓

[laughing]

laughing

↓

Eh.

↓

Honey, the scattered grain is delicious.

delicious grain honey scattered

↓

- You outdid yourself. - Well, don't thank me.

↓

Thank the good people at Monsanto,

↓

who make delicious grain that's packed with

delicious grain packed

↓

antidepressants and steroids.

steroids

↓

I'm so glad you decided to come live with us, Meg.

decided glad live

↓

Me too.

↓

But I couldn't help feel a little sorry for my dad

↓

at the bowling alley.

alley bowling bowling-alley

↓

He bowled with the lane guards up.

bowled guards lane

↓

Without the jeopardy of a gutter ball,

ball gutter gutter-ball

↓

what is bowling?

bowling

↓

He just has his own way of doing things.

↓

- Yeah, the wrong way. - Honey...

honey

↓

No, she knows. That's why she left.

knows left

↓

No. I left because I love your son,

left love

↓

not because I hate my dad.

hate

↓

Meg, either you hate your dad

hate

↓

or you leave this house.

house

↓

[gasps] An old tomato.

gasps tomato

↓

You're just like him.

↓

What did you say?

↓

You're just... like... him.

↓

Wait, I... I can't hit you. You're a girl.

girl

↓

Huh.

↓

[chicken family screaming]

chicken family screaming

↓

Oh, Meg, I'm so happy you realized

happy realized

↓

your place is here at home with your father.

father home place

↓

It really wasn't that.

↓

It's just... all my stuff is here.

stuff

↓

What stuff?

stuff

↓

Also, turns out Nugget's gay.

nuggets turns

↓

I saw his texts and it's all tiny cocks.

cocks texts tiny

↓

Oh, "Nugget" Nugget?

nugget

↓

[♪ theme music playing]

music music-playing playing theme theme-music theme-music-playing

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