Home » Family Guy » S23E05 — The Chicken or the Meg

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 5 — The Chicken or the Meg

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

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♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

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♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

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♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

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♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

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♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

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♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

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♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

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[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

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[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

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Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

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Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

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The hot new reality dating show Sex Farm

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The hot new reality dating show Sex Farm

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is coming to Quahog.

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is coming to Quahog.

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Contestants conceal their identities

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Contestants conceal their identities

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by dressing as farm animals in hopes of finding love.

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by dressing as farm animals in hopes of finding love.

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Auditions are being held all week

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Auditions are being held all week

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at the long-empty Miramax offices downtown.

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at the long-empty Miramax offices downtown.

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Imagine naming a company after your mother

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Imagine naming a company after your mother

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and then molesting everyone who comes in.

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and then molesting everyone who comes in.

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Auditions? [gasps] Maybe I could meet my person.

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Auditions? [gasps] Maybe I could meet my person.

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Your "person"?

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Your "person"?

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Oh, is your "person" a good "human"?

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You gonna post your engagement ring with,

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"So, this just happened"?

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You gonna hashtag #VanLife?

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You gonna get murdered in Florida?

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No one's gonna look for you, you basic white bitch.

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This is gonna be awesome.

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- I'm gonna try out. - Well, good luck.

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I hope your reality show goes better than mine did.

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[announcer] This season on Alone,

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twelve contestants will be dropped in the wilderness.

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Remember, you're on camera, so don't masturbate.

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I didn't even make it to the ground.

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Thank you for coming in today, Meg.

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We're excited to see if you have what it takes

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to be on Sex Farm.

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Thanks. So, is there anything I need to do for this audition?

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No. Most of modern auditions

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is just us going through all your old tweets

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to see if there are any racist or homophobic slurs.

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Now, I see you've never retweeted Bowen Yang. Why?

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I see that I was wrong, and I now understand

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comedy is mostly about getting angry at funny things.

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[indistinct whispering]

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You're in.

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[Corey] This season on Sex Farm, we're in Quahog, Rhode Island,

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with an all-new cast of horny livestock.

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[moos]

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What's going on, guys?

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It's me, Corey, from Corey's World.

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After being virally ambushed

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while screaming at my stepmom in a Walmart,

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I've taken a demotion from YouTube to network television.

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And I am totally less-profitably stoked

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to be your host tonight on Sex Farm.

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Let's get to know these filthy animals.

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[The Librarian] No middle-aged spinster here,

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I'm just a frisky little pussycat.

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[laughs]

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[Principal Shepherd] I'm here because sleeping in a barn

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is preferable to an unfurled wrestling mat.

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[Meg] I'm ready to swine and dine.

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Oink, oink, boink, boink.

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[snorts]

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Yuck. The herd will decide who stays

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to continue their journey for love

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and who gets put out to pasture.

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All part of the barn dance here on Sex Farm,

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where our pronouns are "yee" and "haw."

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I... I don't get that.

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[Meg] Hey, there. Nice ass.

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I'm wondering if you're down for some porkin'.

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[Bruce] Oh, my, that's going right at it, isn't it?

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Sorry, little piggy, I think you's a sloppin'

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at the wrong trough.

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[Meg] Oh, uh, sorry.

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Uh, hey, there. Nice ass.

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I'm wondering if you're down for some porkin'.

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[Principal Shepherd] I had to take 80 milligrams

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of Thorazine 'cause I'm having

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a claustrophobic freak-out in here.

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So, pass.

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[Chicken] Wow, you really packed that away in a hurry.

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[Meg] Thanks.

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I may be dressed like a pig,

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but I have two stomachs like a cow.

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[Chicken laughs] You're funny.

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[Meg] It's not really a joke.

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I'm not expected to live past 40.

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[Chicken] Looks like I made it just under the wire.

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[Meg] I'm only 18.

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[Chicken] Oh, your Liberty Mutual tote bag threw me off.

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[Meg] It's how I carry my loose fruit.

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[Chicken] I like you. You don't try very hard.

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[Meg] Oh, I'm trying very hard.

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What's going on, guys? It's your boy Corey.

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Be sure to check me out on Cameo.

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The producers said I couldn't mention it,

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but I'm betting they don't even watch the show.

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So, a big part of finding love on the farm

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is having our contestants go on dates

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and then be surprised by a musical act

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you've never heard of.

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I couldn't believe it. We walked around the corner,

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and there was Barton James.

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♪ Won't you hold my hand... ♪

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- [Meg] Oh, my God. - [Chicken] I love this song.

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♪ Make me understand... ♪

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Barton James and a girl in a pig mask?

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Yeah, it was a pretty good day.

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♪ Man ♪

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Check it out, guys, Barton James' new album Country Girl is now available

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exclusively on Deezer.

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We had to say that or he wouldn't show up.

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[announcer] Devout Christian Barton James was unvaccinated

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and a general pain in the ass to deal with.

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What's going on, guys?

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Dates have ended, and it's almost time

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to find out who's got the heat

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and who's being turned into meat.

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Fan favorite The Cow is recovering nicely

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from his panic attack at Group Coop.

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I don't really care if I fall in love.

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I just need to be done with this show,

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like, as soon as possible.

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I haven't taken a normal breath in...

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[gasps]

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...three days. [exhales]

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Guys, if you or someone you know

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is struggling with anxiety or depression,

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go to SexFarm-BummedOut.com.

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Wild cards Pig and Chicken really hit it off

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at the group feces bath.

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Let's see if their connection continues

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on their mandatory reality-show helicopter ride.

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[Chicken] I really like spending time with you.

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You're so spontaneous.

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[Meg] I really like you, too.

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And I'm sorry for that fart you're gonna smell.

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I knew you wouldn't hear it,

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but I didn't think it was gonna be as bad as it was.

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[Chicken] I actually did hear it.

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And I think I might be falling in love with you.

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[pilot] Hey, guys,

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what was the one rule I had?

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[Meg/Chicken] No farting in the helicopter.

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No farting in the helicopter.

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I killed bin Laden, now I'm doing this.

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Before we find out which couple will be the first

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put out to pasture, we're gonna put up a QR code

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that's a direct link to Deezer,

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where you can hear Barton James' duet with Kyle Rittenhouse.

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And the first eliminated couple is...

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Pig and Chicken.

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Which means fan favorite Cow remains on the farm.

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[Principal Shepherd] I told producer Josh I desperately want to go home.

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Pig and Chicken, turn in your hay

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and head to the slaughterhouse.

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Hey, I'm sorry I dragged you down.

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And I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of Bethenny Frankel.

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[Chicken] That was Bethenny Frankel?

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I thought it was a scarecrow.

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[Meg] Well, the crows were scared.

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- Is she gone? - [sighs] I... I don't know.

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I... I mean, I want the corn, but I don't want to have to hear

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about how much trouble she's having dating.

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[moans]

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[Meg] Well, I guess this is it.

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It was nice while it lasted.

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Wait, Pig!

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- [Meg] Yes? - I don't even know your name.

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I'm Meg.

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I'm just worried you won't be as attracted to me

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when I take this off.

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[Chicken] You're dressed like a pig.

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I'll take my chances.

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[Chicken] I was right.

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You are prettier than a pig.

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Your turn.

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And I don't care what you look like under that mask.

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[Chicken] That's good, because...

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I'm a chicken.

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My name is Nugget.

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Wait a minute, you're not related to the giant chicken, are you?

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He's my dad.

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[gasps]

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What is it, Peter?

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I forgot to go to college.

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Oh, Meg, there you are.

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Sit down. We're watching Sex Farm.

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- Have you seen it? - Mom, I was on it.

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- I was the pig. - What?

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Yeah, I don't remember that, either, but check it out.

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The cow escaped and then a fan vote brought him back.

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They caught him hiding on one of those Chick-fil-A billboards.

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Once again, please stop voting for me.

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This is a cry for help. I swear to God, I'll jump.

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That guy is so funny.

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I'm gonna vote for him a hundred times.

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Well, have fun.

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Where are you going all dolled up?

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What? Oh, that is not offensive to dolls.

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Stop trying to make yourself angry.

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- I have a date. - With who?

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Um, nobody you know. See you later.

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- [door opens, closes] - She's dating again?

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Whatever happened to that illusionist she was seeing?

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I never left, Peter.

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Wow. Wait, why are you still here?

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Well, I'm an illusionist, so I'm either homeless

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or I have a $100 million residency in Las Vegas.

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Oh, my God, the cow is really gonna jump.

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You made me do this.

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- This is on you, producer Josh. - [all gasp]

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- [thuds] - I'm all right.

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I landed just so.

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It's so cool learning about your world.

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So, okay, tell me this,

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is Colonel Sanders like your Adolf Hitler?

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No, the colonel is an honest man.

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Our Adolf Hitler is Kenny Rogers,

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with his stupid Kenny Rogers Roasters.

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Kenny Rogers? The gambler?

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[sighs] No, not the gambler.

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He was the narrator who met up with the gambler,

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and then shared things he had learned from the gambler

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but at no point was the gambler.

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Well, all I know is that he looked like he was 40

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from the time he was 20 until the time he was 90.

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And died unable to close his eyes, yes.

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Now, how about that picnic?

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["When a Man Loves a Woman" tune plays]

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♪ When a girl loves a chicken ♪

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♪ Can't keep her mind on nothing else ♪

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♪ She'd trade the world ♪

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♪ For the good thing she's found ♪

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[laughing]

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♪ When a girl loves a chicken ♪

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♪ I know exactly how ♪

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♪ She feels ♪

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[yawns]

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That was the best night's sleep

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I've had in ages.

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I love you, Meg, and not just because

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you have "egg" in your name.

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I love you, too, Nugget.

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I want to keep seeing you, but what if our dads find out?

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I guess we'll have to live a lie, like George Santos.

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Hi, I'm gay-straight Jewish Nazi George Santos,

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and I approve this message.

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Which is to say it's the worst thing that's happened to me

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since I died on 9/11. Good morning night.

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[announcer] This was written 18 months ago. New lies not included.

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[knocking]

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Nugget? What are you doing here?

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I was in the neighborhood and thought we could

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Netflix and chill or Peacock and [bleep].

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[announcer] Peacock. Somehow we don't have Seinfeld or Friends,

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and we can't show you The Cosby Show.

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Hey, Meg, can you give me a hand

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clasping these Mr. T medallions?

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I have an event.

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Who's your fine-feathered friend?

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Dad, this is my boyfriend Nugget.

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His father is the giant chicken.

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[gasps]

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That's it, young lady,

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no Peacock for a month.

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No Peacock?

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But where will I watch The Croods?

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That's not my problem.

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[announcer] Peacock. I don't think we have

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The West Wing either.

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Of all the chickens Meg could have chosen,

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she had to choose that one.

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Oh, Peter, you got to back off.

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My father never stopped berating me

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when I was dating you, so as an act of defiance

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I married you just to spite him.

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That seems irrelevant. [sighs]

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I don't know, Lois, it feels like

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I've lost my daughter.

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Which means I have two sons.

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If I'm lucky, they'll join the army,

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and I'll be notified that they both died

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on the same day.

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[♪ mournful music playing]

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Your two sons died getting their heads shaved

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at orientation.

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They didn't even make it to the barracks.

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Oh, the cost of freedom!

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Here's a flag we didn't bother to fold.

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I really want to thank you for inviting me to dinner,

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Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.

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Hey, Nugget, you ever seen that video of Fabio

#295

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getting hit in the face by a goose?

#296

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- It's hilarious. - Not for the goose.

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- She was killed. - Oh, then that's doubly funny.

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Fabio's got a bloody nose and a bird is dead.

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Mr. Griffin, that goose had a name.

#300

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It was Evelyn. And she had 23 children.

#301

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Here, let me show you her GoFundMe page.

#302

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What's your guys' Wi-Fi password?

#303

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It's "ChickensAreScum," and then 22 exclamation points.

#304

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It's on the bulletin board for when we Airbnb the house.

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Peter, we are not Airbnb-ing the house.

#306

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Eh, it might be too late for that.

#307

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Hey, is there any soap in the upstairs bathroom?

#308

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If you read the PDF, it said you had to bring your own soap.

#309

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Well, I'll just use the shampoo as soap.

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He's a medical student.

#311

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You know, you guys are being very rude to my boyfriend.

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- I love him. - I've had enough.

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Meg, I'm giving you an old tomato.

#314

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And a final demand or statement of terms,

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the rejection of which will result in retaliation

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or a permanent cessation of relations.

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You either break up with him or you break up with me.

#318

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You can't date us both.

#319

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Dad, you and I aren't dating.

#320

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Oh, so you've made your choice, then.

#321

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Well, I'd like my tomato back.

#322

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I'll pack my bags.

#323

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What bags? She literally owns nothing.

#324

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Guys, before I go, I have one thing to say.

#325

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Is this a "pause The Last of Us" type of conversation

#326

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or can I "uh-huh" my way through this?

#327

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- Peter, turn it off. - Uh-huh.

#328

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If you don't accept Nugget, you don't accept me.

#329

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I'm moving in with him.

#330

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You know what the British are gonna call this?

#331

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Megxit. They're a clever little island.

#332

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Meg, please don't go.

#333

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You're my only daughter

#334

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and I can't imagine living without you.

#335

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Plus, I need your vote to keep a Billy Bass

#336

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- out of our living room. - I'm sorry, Mom.

#337

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My decision has been made. Goodbye.

#338

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Well, now seems like a good time

#339

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to reopen the Billy Bass vote.

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All in favor, say aye.

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- Aye. - Aye.

#342

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- All opposed? - Nay.

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- Present. - Coward.

#344

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Billy Bass approved.

#345

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Billy, what do you think Meg's gonna say

#346

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to the Uber driver?

#347

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♪ Take me to the river ♪

#348

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♪ Drop me in the water ♪

#349

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Ah, we are thriving without Meg.

#350

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Is something wrong, Peter? You've barely touched our food.

#351

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I heard from Bonnie that Meg moved out of the house

#352

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and Lois could never breastfeed.

#353

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What? How'd you hear that?

#354

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Oh, Bonnie subscribes to a service

#355

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that alerts her any time another mom fails.

#356

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- That's wild. - I know.

#357

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Donna gives Cleveland Jr.

#358

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unlimited video game time, but...

#359

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Peter, isn't it weird with Meg out of the house?

#360

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Nah, it's fine. Although, we got a lot more mice

#361

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- around the house now. - Mice?

#362

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Yeah, Meg handled all our rodent problems.

#363

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She used to just squeeze 'em and pop their heads off.

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All except one that she'd leave alive

#365

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to run and go tell the story to the others.

#366

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Meg's a nice girl.

#367

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Yeah, when I remodeled my house,

#368

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Meg hauled away all the discarded insulation.

#369

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Don't know what she did with it.

#370

⇓

Oh, yeah, Meg's great.

#371

⇓

She sold me a ton of insulation super-cheap.

#372

⇓

Oh, my God, you guys are right.

#373

⇓

This one time, Meg fell down the stairs

#374

⇓

and she... and... and she broke her clavicle.

#375

⇓

[laughing]

#376

⇓

You guys, I think I miss Meg.

#377

⇓

Was there gonna be more to the story about the stairs?

#378

⇓

What do you say we go to the giant chicken's house

#379

⇓

and get my daughter back?

#380

⇓

- I'm in. - Let's do it.

#381

⇓

So the laughing was 'cause your daughter hurt herself?

#382

⇓

Honey, did you order a fat bag of crap?

#383

⇓

Stand aside. I'm here to get my daughter back.

#384

⇓

She's not coming with you.

#385

⇓

- She's perfectly happy here. - Are you sure?

#386

⇓

We can make this worth your while.

#387

⇓

We're prepared to trade Brittney Griner.

#388

⇓

Hey, stop trading me.

#389

⇓

I just want to play basketball.

#390

⇓

And smoke weed, apparently.

#391

⇓

I wasn't smoking it, I was just carrying it.

#392

⇓

Whatever. I'm still mad we traded for you

#393

⇓

instead of that other guy, whose name

#394

⇓

I had never heard of and can no longer remember.

#395

⇓

Yeah, that poor guy.

#396

⇓

Bring him home, whatever his name is.

#397

⇓

Dad, what are you doing here?

#398

⇓

Meg, this nonsense has to stop.

#399

⇓

You're a Griffin, and...

#400

⇓

it's time to, uh... Do...

#401

⇓

do your neighbors always have that bounce house

#402

⇓

or is this... is it a special occasion?

#403

⇓

- I really don't know. - Okay, yeah, but Meg,

#404

⇓

I mean it. We all miss you, and...

#405

⇓

Oh, a heavy lady's rolling into it.

#406

⇓

Probably the aunt who likes to have fun.

#407

⇓

Wow, her face got red quick.

#408

⇓

Dad, I told you, Nugget and his family

#409

⇓

treat me better than you guys ever did.

#410

⇓

And I won't be coming home. Dad?

#411

⇓

It's a Iron Man house!

#412

⇓

Okay, you know what, I think we need to regroup here.

#413

⇓

We're sorry to have bothered you.

#414

⇓

I squashed a boy.

#415

⇓

Oh, come on, cheer up, Peter.

#416

⇓

Look, the best thing to do to put all this Meg drama behind us

#417

⇓

is a fun family activity that we can all do together.

#418

⇓

You know, I was supposed to be here today anyway,

#419

⇓

but then Tyler cancelled his birthday party.

#420

⇓

Ice cream sundae bar with Haribo brand gummi bears?

#421

⇓

[children chanting] Tyler! Tyler! Tyler!

#422

⇓

Hey, Ty. Guess we got our wires crossed, huh?

#423

⇓

I... It was a numbers thing.

#424

⇓

I think his parents made him invite the T-ball kids.

#425

⇓

[Meg whoops]

#426

⇓

All right, Dad! Yeah! [whoops]

#427

⇓

- Good job, Giant Chicken! - Yes!

#428

⇓

[sighs] I've lost my daughter.

#429

⇓

Come on, gang.

#430

⇓

Group selfie for the family Instagram account.

#431

⇓

Everybody say "seeds."

#432

⇓

[all] Seeds!

#433

⇓

Griffin? What do you want?

#434

⇓

Um, I, uh...

#435

⇓

Meg, do you have a flat dollar bill

#436

⇓

for the change machine?

#437

⇓

I wanted to play the arcades.

#438

⇓

- We don't play the arcades. - Nerds.

#439

⇓

Because we have stand-up games

#440

⇓

- in our basement rec room. - Aw.

#441

⇓

Guess you'll just have to make do

#442

⇓

with your crinkled ones.

#443

⇓

[laughing]

#444

⇓

Eh.

#445

⇓

Honey, the scattered grain is delicious.

#446

⇓

- You outdid yourself. - Well, don't thank me.

#447

⇓

Thank the good people at Monsanto,

#448

⇓

who make delicious grain that's packed with

#449

⇓

antidepressants and steroids.

#450

⇓

I'm so glad you decided to come live with us, Meg.

#451

⇓

Me too.

#452

⇓

But I couldn't help feel a little sorry for my dad

#453

⇓

at the bowling alley.

#454

⇓

He bowled with the lane guards up.

#455

⇓

Without the jeopardy of a gutter ball,

#456

⇓

what is bowling?

#457

⇓

He just has his own way of doing things.

#458

⇓

- Yeah, the wrong way. - Honey...

#459

⇓

No, she knows. That's why she left.

#460

⇓

No. I left because I love your son,

#461

⇓

not because I hate my dad.

#462

⇓

Meg, either you hate your dad

#463

⇓

or you leave this house.

#464

⇓

[gasps] An old tomato.

#465

⇓

You're just like him.

#466

⇓

What did you say?

#467

⇓

You're just... like... him.

#468

⇓

Wait, I... I can't hit you. You're a girl.

#469

⇓

Huh.

#470

⇓

[chicken family screaming]

#471

⇓

Oh, Meg, I'm so happy you realized

#472

⇓

your place is here at home with your father.

#473

⇓

It really wasn't that.

#474

⇓

It's just... all my stuff is here.

#475

⇓

What stuff?

#476

⇓

Also, turns out Nugget's gay.

#477

⇓

I saw his texts and it's all tiny cocks.

#478

⇓

Oh, "Nugget" Nugget?

#479

⇓

[♪ theme music playing]

#480

⇓