Home » Family Guy » S23E06 — Dog is My Co-Pilot

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 6 — Dog is My Co-Pilot

♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

#1

⇓

♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

#1

⇓

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

#2

⇓

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

#2

⇓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

#3

⇓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

#3

⇓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

#4

⇓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

#4

⇓

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

#5

⇓

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

#5

⇓

♪ All the things that make us ♪

#6

⇓

♪ All the things that make us ♪

#6

⇓

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

#7

⇓

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

#7

⇓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

#8

⇓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

#8

⇓

[TV announcer] We now return to Jack Ryan,

#9

⇓

[TV announcer] We now return to Jack Ryan,

#9

⇓

starring the guy who used to smirk a lot on The Office.

#10

⇓

starring the guy who used to smirk a lot on The Office.

#10

⇓

Jack, we launched the drone strike against the terrorists

#11

⇓

Jack, we launched the drone strike against the terrorists

#11

⇓

like you suggested, but hit a hospital instead.

#12

⇓

like you suggested, but hit a hospital instead.

#12

⇓

What are you doing? Six people died.

#13

⇓

What are you doing? Six people died.

#13

⇓

[laughs] Oh, I get it.

#14

⇓

[laughs] Oh, I get it.

#14

⇓

The joke is his hair isn't fully combed.

#15

⇓

The joke is his hair isn't fully combed.

#15

⇓

Wait, what happened?

#16

⇓

Wait, what happened?

#16

⇓

Oh, your mom bought an app that cuts power to the TV

#17

⇓

Oh, your mom bought an app that cuts power to the TV

#17

⇓

once I've reached my daily screen time limit.

#18

⇓

once I've reached my daily screen time limit.

#18

⇓

[Lois] Peter, the app says that--

#19

⇓

[Lois] Peter, the app says that--

#19

⇓

- I know! - Keep it down, guys.

#20

⇓

- I know! - Keep it down, guys.

#20

⇓

I'm trying to land a 757 in Dubai

#21

⇓

I'm trying to land a 757 in Dubai

#21

⇓

with a crosswind and a broken landing gear.

#22

⇓

with a crosswind and a broken landing gear.

#22

⇓

For the last week, Brian's been getting into

#23

⇓

For the last week, Brian's been getting into

#23

⇓

some stupid flight simulator game.

#24

⇓

some stupid flight simulator game.

#24

⇓

It's not stupid. And I'm fairly amazing at it.

#25

⇓

It's not stupid. And I'm fairly amazing at it.

#25

⇓

Earlier, I landed in Texas,

#26

⇓

Earlier, I landed in Texas,

#26

⇓

not gonna tell you the city 'cause it affects the joke,

#27

⇓

not gonna tell you the city 'cause it affects the joke,

#27

⇓

but when I landed, I said,

#28

⇓

but when I landed, I said,

#28

⇓

"Houston, we don't have a problem."

#29

⇓

"Houston, we don't have a problem."

#29

⇓

What? What was the city?

#30

⇓

What? What was the city?

#30

⇓

[tires squeal]

#31

⇓

[tires squeal]

#31

⇓

And another perfect landing. Check it out.

#32

⇓

And another perfect landing. Check it out.

#32

⇓

Oh, I can't even look at screens over shoulders.

#33

⇓

Oh, I can't even look at screens over shoulders.

#33

⇓

- Lois said. - [Lois] Peter, the app just--

#34

⇓

- Lois said. - [Lois] Peter, the app just--

#34

⇓

I'm not looking!

#35

⇓

I'm not looking!

#35

⇓

All right, time to finally organize this closet.

#36

⇓

All right, time to finally organize this closet.

#36

⇓

Let's see what we got. Uh...

#37

⇓

Let's see what we got. Uh...

#37

⇓

Packaging from every Apple product we own

#38

⇓

Packaging from every Apple product we own

#38

⇓

'cause it seems too nice to just throw away.

#39

⇓

'cause it seems too nice to just throw away.

#39

⇓

Oh, look it's Mommy's old Easy-Bake Oven

#40

⇓

Oh, look it's Mommy's old Easy-Bake Oven

#40

⇓

from when she was a girl.

#41

⇓

from when she was a girl.

#41

⇓

If it's not big enough for you to stick your head in,

#42

⇓

If it's not big enough for you to stick your head in,

#42

⇓

I have no interest.

#43

⇓

I have no interest.

#43

⇓

Stewie, you might like playing with this.

#44

⇓

Stewie, you might like playing with this.

#44

⇓

Ooh, I'll go get a rag to clean it.

#45

⇓

Ooh, I'll go get a rag to clean it.

#45

⇓

Don't bother. I don't need your stupid garbage girl toys

#46

⇓

Don't bother. I don't need your stupid garbage girl toys

#46

⇓

from the 1940s, grandma!

#47

⇓

from the 1940s, grandma!

#47

⇓

I love trucks and dinosaurs--

#48

⇓

I love trucks and dinosaurs--

#48

⇓

Oh, my God, Rupert, I've always wanted an Easy-Bake Oven!

#49

⇓

Oh, my God, Rupert, I've always wanted an Easy-Bake Oven!

#49

⇓

Oh, I haven't been this excited since we watched

#50

⇓

Oh, I haven't been this excited since we watched

#50

⇓

the series finale of Caillou.

#51

⇓

the series finale of Caillou.

#51

⇓

[♪ "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey playing]

#52

⇓

[♪ "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey playing]

#52

⇓

[entry bell rings]

#53

⇓

[entry bell rings]

#53

⇓

♪ Don't stop believin' ♪

#54

⇓

♪ Don't stop believin' ♪

#54

⇓

[entry bell rings]

#55

⇓

[entry bell rings]

#55

⇓

♪ Hold on to that feelin' ♪

#56

⇓

♪ Hold on to that feelin' ♪

#56

⇓

♪ Street lights, people ♪

#57

⇓

♪ Street lights, people ♪

#57

⇓

♪ Oh, ah ♪

#58

⇓

♪ Oh, ah ♪

#58

⇓

- [entry bell rings] - ♪ Don't stop-- ♪

#59

⇓

- [entry bell rings] - ♪ Don't stop-- ♪

#59

⇓

Huh. Looks like Jerome's switching

#60

⇓

Huh. Looks like Jerome's switching

#60

⇓

to all recycled paper goods.

#61

⇓

to all recycled paper goods.

#61

⇓

Joe, don't punish us just 'cause you forgot your phone.

#62

⇓

Joe, don't punish us just 'cause you forgot your phone.

#62

⇓

I didn't forget it. I asked Bonnie why she looked so tired

#63

⇓

I didn't forget it. I asked Bonnie why she looked so tired

#63

⇓

and she hucked it in the pool.

#64

⇓

and she hucked it in the pool.

#64

⇓

Whew, pretty windy out there.

#65

⇓

Whew, pretty windy out there.

#65

⇓

Feels like 21 knots coming in from the southwest.

#66

⇓

Feels like 21 knots coming in from the southwest.

#66

⇓

Right, Quagmire?

#67

⇓

Right, Quagmire?

#67

⇓

What-- What is this?

#68

⇓

What-- What is this?

#68

⇓

Ah, nothing, I'm just talking a little shop with you

#69

⇓

now that I've officially entered your world.

#70

⇓

"Entered my world"?

#71

⇓

Yeah, I've been totally crushing it

#72

⇓

on this flight simulator app, and now I realize

#73

⇓

flying a plane is nowhere near as hard as I thought.

#74

⇓

Brian, don't belittle the expertise my job requires.

#75

⇓

Playing a game on an iPad and flying a commercial airliner

#76

⇓

are two very different things.

#77

⇓

Whoa, running into a bit of headwind here.

#78

⇓

Brian, there is no way you could ever do what I do.

#79

⇓

Has anybody ever made a joke

#80

⇓

about the quality of paper straws?

#81

⇓

Because I just thought of a pretty hot take.

#82

⇓

[chimes]

#83

⇓

Stewie, what is that incredible smell?

#84

⇓

Just a simple pizza I thought Rupert might like.

#85

⇓

You know, since he's a basic little bitch

#86

⇓

who shops at Filene's.

#87

⇓

Well, it's delicious.

#88

⇓

Almost as good as Caserta's.

#89

⇓

Thanks, but Caserta's is no Arturo's.

#90

⇓

Ever had Arturo's?

#91

⇓

No, but nothing can top DePetrillo's.

#92

⇓

Mr. DePetrillo is from Sicily

#93

⇓

and makes all the dough by hand every morning.

#94

⇓

Did I tell you I met him?

#95

⇓

No, no, I would've remembered because I wouldn't have cared.

#96

⇓

Stewie, this is amazing pizza.

#97

⇓

You know, I feel like maybe you and I could open up

#98

⇓

a really successful boutique pizza place.

#99

⇓

Are you serious? I'm in.

#100

⇓

But mostly to get a Michelin star.

#101

⇓

It's always been my dream to have my culinary talents

#102

⇓

validated in print by a tire company.

#103

⇓

[engines whirring]

#104

⇓

Okay, and final thing before we push back,

#105

⇓

which six seats do you want to disable the TVs on?

#106

⇓

- Morning, boys. - Brian? What are you doing?

#107

⇓

Only qualified personnel are allowed in here.

#108

⇓

Then why do all pilots leave the door open

#109

⇓

when people are boarding?

#110

⇓

We-- We're supposed to help hand out

#111

⇓

mileage plan credit card applications.

#112

⇓

But why are you even here? You're going to Orlando?

#113

⇓

Yeah. I took what you said the other night to heart

#114

⇓

and I've enrolled in a flight training school in Florida

#115

⇓

called Huffman Aviation.

#116

⇓

Isn't... Isn't that where the 9/11 hijackers trained?

#117

⇓

I don't know, I just used a coupon.

#118

⇓

Just take your seat.

#119

⇓

- [clears throat] - I-I mean,

#120

⇓

would you like to earn 10,000 bonus miles by applying today

#121

⇓

for the Transnational Airlines Mastercard?

#122

⇓

Hey there, how are you doing?

#123

⇓

Just so you know, as of this year,

#124

⇓

I'm allowed to hit you as hard as I can.

#125

⇓

Out of my way!

#126

⇓

- [retching] - Jim, are you okay?

#127

⇓

I think he's got food poisoning.

#128

⇓

It must've been that sack lunch of leftover shrimp

#129

⇓

from his niece's wedding.

#130

⇓

Well, thank God you didn't have any.

#131

⇓

Well, actually, he kept waving the bag in my face and asking,

#132

⇓

"Does this taste funny to you?" I-I didn't want to be rude.

#133

⇓

- [gurgles] - [moans]

#134

⇓

Ah! It's coming!

#135

⇓

Don't worry, Quagmire, I can take over.

#136

⇓

Are you crazy? You could never in a million yea--

#137

⇓

[farts]

#138

⇓

Ah! Son of a bitch!

#139

⇓

Dammit! Get out of the way!

#140

⇓

I'm gonna have to take a boy band.

#141

⇓

- What does that mean? - "In sink."

#142

⇓

I also would've accepted "back-streak boys."

#143

⇓

And it's definitely coming out at "98 degrees"

#144

⇓

in "one direction."

#145

⇓

In any case, it's all gonna sound and smell terrible.

#146

⇓

- [moans] - I'm taking over.

#147

⇓

No, Brian, don't you touch anything!

#148

⇓

Look, I got this.

#149

⇓

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare for landing.

#150

⇓

[female passenger] Hey, my TV stopped working.

#151

⇓

[male passenger] And now mine's working.

#152

⇓

[screaming]

#153

⇓

- Lower your flaps more and... - [farts]

#154

⇓

- ...ease off the throttle. - Roger that.

#155

⇓

[screaming]

#156

⇓

[cheering]

#157

⇓

I don't believe it. He actually pulled it off.

#158

⇓

Welcome to Orlando. And as a reminder,

#159

⇓

there are a few passengers who have a very short turnaround

#160

⇓

to meet their drug dealers, so if you could clear the aisle

#161

⇓

and let them off first, that'd be great.

#162

⇓

- Excuse me. - Pardon me.

#163

⇓

- Thank you. - Thank you, guys.

#164

⇓

Today, we honor two brave citizens

#165

⇓

who showed coolness under pressure

#166

⇓

to get that plane safely on the ground.

#167

⇓

Now, if someone could hold these giant scissors...

#168

⇓

I needed them for the thing before this,

#169

⇓

and the thing after this, but not for this.

#170

⇓

Brian, Glenn, please accept these keys to the city.

#171

⇓

A lot about being mayor

#172

⇓

is having enormous junk drawer things.

#173

⇓

[overlapping questions]

#174

⇓

Gentlemen, Tom Tucker, Channel 5 News.

#175

⇓

Quite an honor for you two today.

#176

⇓

Is there a question in there?

#177

⇓

Honestly, Tom, I was just grateful to be on scene

#178

⇓

- and able to help. - Terrific.

#179

⇓

So, two-part question for both of you:

#180

⇓

Brian, does the weather outside today

#181

⇓

- seem "comfortable"? - No.

#182

⇓

And, Glenn, if you were a producer and you said

#183

⇓

to your talent that it was "comfortable" outside--

#184

⇓

[producer] Could've brought a coat, Tom. I'm not your mother.

#185

⇓

Well, that'll do it from City Hall.

#186

⇓

This is Tom Tucker reporting live on the scene

#187

⇓

because it's close to my son's karate thing.

#188

⇓

Hi, you two. I'm Keith, the lowest-level executive possible

#189

⇓

from Transnational Airlines.

#190

⇓

Listen, you two are great on camera together,

#191

⇓

and people love this feel-good story of heroism.

#192

⇓

We'd like to send you both on a multi-state press tour

#193

⇓

to share your story.

#194

⇓

Really? That'd be amazing.

#195

⇓

Eh, I don't know...

#196

⇓

It'll be great PR. You saved a ton of lives.

#197

⇓

You're actually friends.

#198

⇓

And we could use something like this

#199

⇓

after that toilet flush sucked in a baby.

#200

⇓

Yeah, I'm not sure a press tour is--

#201

⇓

And I forgot to mention that, as a pilot,

#202

⇓

you are contractually obligated

#203

⇓

to represent the airline to the media.

#204

⇓

- Oh. - Come on, Quagmire,

#205

⇓

we might actually have fun together on a press tour.

#206

⇓

I mean, crazier things have happened.

#207

⇓

Look at Pete Davidson's love life.

#208

⇓

I just text them back promptly.

#209

⇓

That's it. That's the secret.

#210

⇓

Stewie, the line is huge.

#211

⇓

How did we get so many customers right out of the gate?

#212

⇓

Oh, I-I see, you're calling us a pop-up.

#213

⇓

Oh, yeah, you do that and white people go frickin' crazy.

#214

⇓

- I saw this place on Facebook. - I saw it on TikTok.

#215

⇓

I read a blurb in Parade magazine.

#216

⇓

Did you know LeAnn Rimes is happier than she's ever been?

#217

⇓

Can I get a slice?

#218

⇓

Okay, let's start with the easy one:

#219

⇓

we don't do "slices."

#220

⇓

Next, you can start by scanning the QR code

#221

⇓

to enter yourself in the raffle.

#222

⇓

Ooh, is that an Android? Here.

#223

⇓

What's this, your website?

#224

⇓

No, it's the number for Domino's.

#225

⇓

Take a hike, idiot.

#226

⇓

[announcer] Domino's. We meet the legal definition of "pizza."

#227

⇓

Pharmacy.

#228

⇓

Refill a prescription.

#229

⇓

Refill a prescription.

#230

⇓

Representative.

#231

⇓

Speak to a representative.

#232

⇓

Will you quit doing personal crap

#233

⇓

and focus on our interview?

#234

⇓

Okay, we're almost ready,

#235

⇓

but just so we get the on-screen labels correct,

#236

⇓

you're the one who landed the plane,

#237

⇓

and you're the one who pooped in the sink?

#238

⇓

[sighs]

#239

⇓

[♪ theme music playing]

#240

⇓

Welcome back to Good Morning, Akron,

#241

⇓

Ohio's only opioid-free morning show.

#242

⇓

Brian, Glenn, how do you prepare for an emergency like this?

#243

⇓

Well, all pilots are highly trained--

#244

⇓

There's no training for a moment like this.

#245

⇓

You're just relying on pure gut instinct.

#246

⇓

But when you've landed at as many airports as I have...

#247

⇓

On an iPad.

#248

⇓

...you draw on that experience...

#249

⇓

It's an app that costs $2.99.

#250

⇓

...to the point where it's almost like muscle memory.

#251

⇓

You can also get the app for free,

#252

⇓

but you have to sit through a lot of ads for the Army.

#253

⇓

These guys are good. We gotta get this on the road.

#254

⇓

- Wheels up, Jack. - It's Jacqueline now.

#255

⇓

- Wheels up, Jack. - It's Jacqueline now.

#255

⇓

And back to HR I go.

#256

⇓

And back to HR I go.

#256

⇓

You know, when you take off, you never think

#257

⇓

You know, when you take off, you never think

#257

⇓

you're gonna see your pilot pooping in the sink.

#258

⇓

you're gonna see your pilot pooping in the sink.

#258

⇓

But a real hero knows that's when you have to step up.

#259

⇓

But a real hero knows that's when you have to step up.

#259

⇓

Well, it's a good question, but I think I knew

#260

⇓

Well, it's a good question, but I think I knew

#260

⇓

within a couple minutes of taking the first bite.

#261

⇓

within a couple minutes of taking the first bite.

#261

⇓

You only end up using like three of those buttons.

#262

⇓

You only end up using like three of those buttons.

#262

⇓

I thought those guys were, like, geniuses.

#263

⇓

I thought those guys were, like, geniuses.

#263

⇓

Well, I've read that shrimp is actually supposed to be cooked

#264

⇓

Well, I've read that shrimp is actually supposed to be cooked

#264

⇓

to 140 degrees Fahrenheit.

#265

⇓

to 140 degrees Fahrenheit.

#265

⇓

[imitates plane engine]

#266

⇓

[imitates plane engine]

#266

⇓

[imitates tires squealing]

#267

⇓

[imitates tires squealing]

#267

⇓

[chuckles] I-I can't do the noises, but y-you get it.

#268

⇓

[moans]

#269

⇓

Diarrhea, diarrhea, diarrhea.

#270

⇓

I can't do the noises, but you get it.

#271

⇓

Stewie, check it out.

#272

⇓

Dave Portnoy from Barstool Sports

#273

⇓

just tweeted he's coming to our restaurant tomorrow

#274

⇓

to do one of his One Bite Pizza Reviews.

#275

⇓

Awesome. Who's Dave Portnoy?

#276

⇓

He's like if a high-school athlete got one genie wish.

#277

⇓

But he also happens to be one of the most influential

#278

⇓

pizza place kingmakers on the internet.

#279

⇓

Really? Chris, that's fantastic.

#280

⇓

I know.

#281

⇓

And we better get started now,

#282

⇓

'cause he likes his pizza extra crispy.

#283

⇓

Uh, wh-- what was that?

#284

⇓

Oh, this is not good.

#285

⇓

The light bulb in the Easy-Bake Oven burned out.

#286

⇓

That's fine, we have tons of light bulbs in the house.

#287

⇓

Chris, we're in trouble.

#288

⇓

This is a custom bulb from the 1960s.

#289

⇓

It's 200 watts

#290

⇓

and made with 40% lead.

#291

⇓

There's literally nobody

#292

⇓

who would have a light bulb this old.

#293

⇓

There might be one person.

#294

⇓

Oh, there you are, Jesse.

#295

⇓

Man, Arnie is so excited for you guys

#296

⇓

to do this ad for him.

#297

⇓

So, what, now we're pitchmen?

#298

⇓

Guys, this is free advertising for the airline,

#299

⇓

and we could use the distraction.

#300

⇓

We, uh... we dragged another Asian doctor off a plane.

#301

⇓

Okay, let's roll it.

#302

⇓

Hi, I'm local hero Brian Griffin.

#303

⇓

And I'm Glenn "Diarrhea" Quagmire.

#304

⇓

If you're looking to buy a car,

#305

⇓

you want to make a smooth landing,

#306

⇓

not take a dump in the sink.

#307

⇓

That's right. So, come on down

#308

⇓

to Brockner Toyota for some explosive deals.

#309

⇓

If you're hunting for a car,

#310

⇓

don't pull a "Quagmire."

#311

⇓

Sorry, sorry, what the hell is this?

#312

⇓

Oh, Mr. Brockner always likes to have some humor in his ads.

#313

⇓

Humor? Some fat guy pretending to be me

#314

⇓

pooping in a sink is the humor?

#315

⇓

Damn it, Brian, that's enough.

#316

⇓

I was in the military,

#317

⇓

and I have worked for 25 years in aviation.

#318

⇓

My whole life, I dreamed that someday,

#319

⇓

maybe I'd even have my own Sully Sullenberger moment.

#320

⇓

But it'll never happen now.

#321

⇓

Have you tried Googling me? It's just this!

#322

⇓

Yeah. Wow, and if you Google Image "diarrhea,"

#323

⇓

it's just pictures of you and George Brett.

#324

⇓

Not only am I not getting the respect I deserve,

#325

⇓

but I'm the punchline in a story

#326

⇓

where you're the hero. You!

#327

⇓

You know what, I quit.

#328

⇓

Wait, you can't quit the press tour.

#329

⇓

It's in your contract.

#330

⇓

Plus, we've still got one more event to do.

#331

⇓

Oh, I'm finishing the press tour.

#332

⇓

A pilot always lands the plane.

#333

⇓

I meant that I quit being a pilot.

#334

⇓

Where are you going?

#335

⇓

To be alone and think.

#336

⇓

This is how pilots do it.

#337

⇓

I bought a mattress at the wrong store.

#338

⇓

[announcer] Don't "Quagmire" the bed.

#339

⇓

Shop the Weekapaug Sleep Outlet.

#340

⇓

This mattress commercial

#341

⇓

feels very similar to that car commercial.

#342

⇓

[trash can rattles]

#343

⇓

What the hell's Quagmire doing?

#344

⇓

It looks like he's throwing away all his pilot uniforms.

#345

⇓

Yeah, he, uh...

#346

⇓

he said he was quitting his job.

#347

⇓

I think the press tour's been a little rough on him.

#348

⇓

He's throwing out the pants, too?

#349

⇓

Those are just blue pants. Someone could wear those.

#350

⇓

"Rough on him?" In... in what way?

#351

⇓

I don't know, like maybe he feels bad

#352

⇓

I stole his thunder by landing his plane.

#353

⇓

This shirt with those blue pants?

#354

⇓

Could be a sweet look for the club.

#355

⇓

Well, I watched those interviews, Brian.

#356

⇓

You weren't exactly gracious to him.

#357

⇓

Or maybe the night before a wedding.

#358

⇓

I'm getting those pants.

#359

⇓

Lois, this is not my fault.

#360

⇓

Was I supposed to not land that plane?

#361

⇓

And, come on, it's not like Quagmire's a saint.

#362

⇓

You know what he's like.

#363

⇓

Yes, we all know the bad things about Quagmire,

#364

⇓

but you took away his one good thing.

#365

⇓

If nothing else, he's always been an outstanding pilot.

#366

⇓

It's the only thing anyone ever respected about him.

#367

⇓

Lois is right, Brian.

#368

⇓

Wearing that pilot's hat means something.

#369

⇓

It's one of the few remaining hat jobs.

#370

⇓

[sighs] You guys are right.

#371

⇓

I gotta fix things with Quagmire.

#372

⇓

In fact, I'm gonna see him tomorrow

#373

⇓

for our last press appearance,

#374

⇓

and I know just how to make things better.

#375

⇓

Is the room getting spinny to anyone else?

#376

⇓

Peter, take those pants off.

#377

⇓

I can't, my arms are numb.

#378

⇓

So, what's the plan? We just ask

#379

⇓

for one of his light bulbs from the 1960s?

#380

⇓

Oh, no way.

#381

⇓

Mr. Herbert's really weird

#382

⇓

about his possessions.

#383

⇓

He lived through the Depression,

#384

⇓

so he hangs onto everything.

#385

⇓

Oh, well, look who it is.

#386

⇓

Do come in.

#387

⇓

What brings you boys by?

#388

⇓

Actually, Mr. Herbert,

#389

⇓

I, uh, noticed a new mole on my thigh

#390

⇓

and wanted to ask if it looks misshapen to you.

#391

⇓

[gulps]

#392

⇓

Well, let's have a little look-see.

#393

⇓

Oh...

#394

⇓

There's not one book in here that's a real book.

#395

⇓

[strains]

#396

⇓

Ah! Damn it.

#397

⇓

There it is. What do you think?

#398

⇓

Merciful heavens.

#399

⇓

[moans]

#400

⇓

Ah, got it.

#401

⇓

- [muffled shouting] - Do you hear

#402

⇓

those muffled cries in the next room?

#403

⇓

It's the TV.

#404

⇓

Doesn't sound like the--

#405

⇓

We've got pizza to make. It's the TV.

#406

⇓

Look, I know you're still mad,

#407

⇓

but this is our last event,

#408

⇓

so let's make the best of it.

#409

⇓

[gasps]

#410

⇓

- [crowd exclaims] - Oh, my God. Is he okay?

#411

⇓

Say, will you look at that?

#412

⇓

Seems like maybe it's someone's big chance

#413

⇓

to step up and be the hero.

#414

⇓

What? What's going on?

#415

⇓

I may have unplugged his insulin pump,

#416

⇓

but I'm guessing somebody knows how to drive this thing.

#417

⇓

Why the hell would I know how to drive a boat?

#418

⇓

I don't-- I mean,

#419

⇓

isn't it all kind of the same thing?

#420

⇓

[screaming]

#421

⇓

You really "Quagmire'd" this whole thing, Brian.

#422

⇓

God, now I'm doing it.

#423

⇓

Dave Portnoy's gonna be here any minute to do his review.

#424

⇓

Oh, God, I think that's him.

#425

⇓

Hey, how you doing?

#426

⇓

Dave Portnoy from Barstool Sports.

#427

⇓

Wow. Welcome, Mr. Portnoy.

#428

⇓

Aw, come on, please. Call me Dave.

#429

⇓

"Mr. Portnoy" is how I'm referred to in court documents.

#430

⇓

Well, we are very excited for you

#431

⇓

to "One Bite Review" our pizza... Dave.

#432

⇓

[sniffs] Whoa, spectacular undercarriage.

#433

⇓

Zero flop. I am hopeful.

#434

⇓

Oh, this pizza's amazing.

#435

⇓

Once I post my review,

#436

⇓

you guys'll have a line from here to Boston

#437

⇓

filled with nothing but UFC fans and insurrectionists.

#438

⇓

Did you hear that, Stewie?

#439

⇓

We're gonna be rich.

#440

⇓

Sorry, but the health department sent me over

#441

⇓

- to ask a few questions. - Okay.

#442

⇓

- Do you have a business license? - No.

#443

⇓

- Do you have proper refrigeration? - No.

#444

⇓

Did either of you wash your hands

#445

⇓

- before making this pizza? - No.

#446

⇓

Have either of you ever washed your hands?

#447

⇓

- No. - Are either of you

#448

⇓

currently crapping your pants?

#449

⇓

- Yes. - A little bit, yes.

#450

⇓

Okay, listen. I'm not here to give you a hard time.

#451

⇓

You're a small business.

#452

⇓

I'm willing to let this stuff slide.

#453

⇓

Oh, uh, there's one other question here.

#454

⇓

Do you have a handicap access ramp?

#455

⇓

No.

#456

⇓

You people are animals!

#457

⇓

I'm shutting this place down.

#458

⇓

Well, Chris, we had a good run.

#459

⇓

We sure did.

#460

⇓

Hey, Meg, where'd you get those pants?

#461

⇓

They were just on the ground.

#462

⇓

Well, I'm off to the club.

#463

⇓

Come on, stupid boat.

#464

⇓

Okay, I think if I can just point us

#465

⇓

a bit more that way...

#466

⇓

Oh, crap, it's the Block Island ferry!

#467

⇓

[ship horn blows]

#468

⇓

Aw, snap!

#469

⇓

Don't try to appear young right now.

#470

⇓

[people screaming]

#471

⇓

[ship horn blows]

#472

⇓

[screaming]

#473

⇓

[groaning]

#474

⇓

[sighs]

#475

⇓

Damn it, Brian, look what you did!

#476

⇓

What the hell were you thinking?

#477

⇓

I'm so sorry, Quagmire.

#478

⇓

I just saw how much you'd been hurt

#479

⇓

by all that had happened,

#480

⇓

and I guess I just wanted to give you

#481

⇓

your Sully Sullenberger moment.

#482

⇓

I clearly screwed that up, but the truth is

#483

⇓

you're a hero every day

#484

⇓

just by getting people safely to their destination.

#485

⇓

Oh.

#486

⇓

Wow. Thanks, Brian.

#487

⇓

And, hey, on the bright side,

#488

⇓

you saved all these people on the duck boat.

#489

⇓

The media will definitely recognize you

#490

⇓

as a hero now.

#491

⇓

A duck boat helmed by

#492

⇓

local diarrhea celebrity Glenn Quagmire

#493

⇓

collided with a ferry today,

#494

⇓

blocking the only shipping lane into Quahog Harbor.

#495

⇓

The complete blockage will result in months-long delays

#496

⇓

in the delivery of goods,

#497

⇓

including shipments of hops for beer-making,

#498

⇓

acne medicine, and hair dye for men.

#499

⇓

Mmm, this used to be a town

#500

⇓

where a man could keep a secret.

#501

⇓

Well, Brian, thanks to you,

#502

⇓

every store shelf in town is empty,

#503

⇓

but at least you landed that plane.

#504

⇓

No one can ever take that away from you.

#505

⇓

The FAA released data today from the black box of a plane

#506

⇓

that recently saw an emergency landing

#507

⇓

by civilian passenger Brian Griffin.

#508

⇓

According to the newly recovered data,

#509

⇓

the airplane's autopilot system

#510

⇓

actually landed the plane

#511

⇓

- and not Brian. - [Quagmire] Ha!

#512

⇓

That's our show for tonight.

#513

⇓

And now, the Channel Five theme music

#514

⇓

while our audio guy forgets to mute my mic.

#515

⇓

Anyway, as I was saying,

#516

⇓

in exchange for sex,

#517

⇓

I'll help advance your career.

#518

⇓