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Home » Family Guy » S23E07 — Pitch Imperfect

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 7 — Pitch Imperfect

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♪ It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

movies seems seems-today today violence

↓

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

fashioned fashioned-values values

↓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

rely used

↓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

family lucky

↓

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

lucky positively

↓

♪ All the things that make us ♪

↓

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

laugh

↓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy ♪

family

↓

Oh, it was nice of the brewery to host this Oktoberfest.

host

↓

[German accent] So, guys, turns out everybody hates us

accent everybody everybody-hates german hates turns

↓

for all our world wars, et cetera.

cetera wars world

↓

We need to do something that shows

shows

↓

we are fun and silly, and not human exterminators.

fun human silly

↓

What about beer, pretzels,

beer pretzels

↓

und horns that go "oompa oompa"?

horns

↓

That's good. Very good.

↓

Yes, that, and little square mustaches because--

square

↓

No more mustaches!

↓

Meg, check it out.

check

↓

You must make me whole again.

must whole

↓

Never mind, this is my destiny!

destiny mind

↓

I'll take a pamphlet.

pamphlet

↓

[sniffs]

sniffs

↓

This head hole smells like spit.

head hole smells spit

↓

Should... should we become chiropractors?

become

↓

Already on it. "Siri, how do I become a chiropractor?"

become chiropractor siri

↓

[Siri] Do you want to be a doctor,

doctor siri

↓

but don't like to read books?

books read read-books

↓

- Yes. - Congratulations.

congratulations

↓

You are now a chiropractor.

chiropractor

↓

Mailing certification and teeth whitening kit now.

mailing teeth

↓

Oh, that was easy.

easy

↓

Yeah, thank God.

↓

I needed a new job, and it was either this

needed

↓

or become a family photographer.

become family photographer

↓

[announcer 1] Is your son just the cutest,

announcer cutest

↓

and are you eager to capture that precious sliver of time?

capture eager precious

↓

Well, at Son in Front of a Tree Photography,

front photography tree

↓

we capture these memories for you

capture memories

↓

by photographing your son in front of a tree

front tree

↓

in a park that's close to my house.

close house park

↓

Put him in a shirt that he hates

hates shirt

↓

and watch him lean, climb, or sit in front of a tree.

climb front lean tree watch

↓

Hold his arms as he jumps into the air in front of a tree.

arms front jumps tree

↓

Sure, he bit you for making him take off his Spider-Man shoes,

shoes spider

↓

but wait until you see

↓

this photo of him resting on his hands

hands photo resting

↓

in front of a tree.

front tree

↓

We'll even take one

↓

of the parents in front of the tree.

front parents tree

↓

Because at Son in Front of a Tree Photography,

front photography tree

↓

we capture memories that'll last a lifetime.

capture lifetime memories thatll

↓

And years later,

years

↓

when that same son is forced out of college

college forced

↓

for a team hazing scandal,

scandal team

↓

you'll look at the photos of your son in front of a tree

front photos tree

↓

and wonder if that monster was always inside him.

monster wonder

↓

Yeah, probably.

↓

He bit you for taking off his shoes.

shoes

↓

Call today.

today

↓

[announcer 2] May not ever receive photos.

announcer photos receive

↓

God, the prizes at these things are such junk.

junk prizes

↓

I want one. Peter, win me a toy.

peter

↓

What? Why?

↓

'Cause I'm New-England-lady drunk.

drunk england lady

↓

Either you win me a stupid stuffed something,

stuffed stupid

↓

or I'm gonna start naming ex-boyfriends who would've.

boyfriends naming start wouldve

↓

Great, everybody, get ready to hear

everybody ready

↓

who made First Team All-Dirtbag.

dirtbag team

↓

Tom Hambley would've had me double-fisting

double wouldve

↓

highly-flammable bootleg SpongeBobs by now.

highly

↓

Yeah, didn't he also whip it out to your mom before your prom?

prom whip

↓

He said he mistimed how far away he was

↓

from our hallway bathroom. Just throw the ball.

ball bathroom hallway throw

↓

I would, but my elbow's acting up.

acting elbows

↓

Old injury from The Late Night Wars.

injury late late-night night wars

↓

I'll win you one of them things, Lois.

lois

↓

Oh, no, it's Mikey Bagshaw,

mikey

↓

Lois' ex-boyfriend with shamrock tattoos on both calves.

boyfriend lois shamrock tattoos

↓

You're allowed here?

allowed

↓

Yeah, there ain't no schools close.

aint close schools

↓

Then I guess it's your move, Peter.

peter

↓

This is really testing me.

testing

↓

I wonder what my old karate sensei would want me to do.

karate sensei wonder

↓

Take your sneakers off, Peter. You can't wear them on the mats.

peter sneakers wear

↓

But they light up, Sensei.

light sensei

↓

Put them in the cubbies. Geez, every class with this clown.

class clown geez

↓

[strains]

strains

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

[laughs] He throws like a girl!

girl laughs throws

↓

Come on, people don't say that anymore, dude.

anymore

↓

The correct term is he throws like a Chalamet, probably.

correct term throws

↓

And on behalf of everyone at Channel 5,

behalf channel

↓

we'd like to apologize for the pornography

apologize pornography

↓

that aired during our cooking segment.

aired cooking segment

↓

There are a lot of very funny people

funny

↓

who are good at computers, and we can't stop them.

computers

↓

All right, who's ready for The Last of Us?

ready

↓

I love zombie shows about shrub overgrowth.

love shows zombie

↓

Chris, move, you're sitting in my spot.

chris sitting spot

↓

Yeah, I think I'm gonna be sitting

sitting

↓

wherever I want from now on, chief.

chief

↓

What? Where am I supposed to sit?

supposed

↓

Kind of not my problem, chief.

chief problem

↓

Did you just double "chief" me?

chief double

↓

- That's right, chief. - Triple?

chief triple

↓

Is this 'cause of the throw?

throw

↓

Well, technically, it didn't qualify as a throw.

qualify technically throw

↓

It fell somewhere between a roll and a... [grunts weakly]

fell grunts roll weakly

↓

Come on, barely anybody saw that.

anybody barely

↓

I'm sure it'll all blow over.

blow itll

↓

And now in "Ha-Ha, Look At This Guy" news,

news

↓

ha-ha, look at this guy.

↓

[grunts weakly]

grunts weakly

↓

[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing

↓

Aw, rats.

rats

↓

If that isn't an indication of how poorly

poorly

↓

someone's penis works, I don't know what is.

penis someones works

↓

Is this my fault, Peter?

fault peter

↓

Is it 'cause I made you watch Ted Lasso?

watch

↓

You know, maybe sports shows

shows sports

↓

should be about sports instead of feelings.

feelings sports

↓

- Look, it's not that big a deal. - It is, though.

deal

↓

I always knew you were overweight,

overweight

↓

but I thought you were at least athletic fat.

athletic least

↓

I told people you were a good fat, like an avocado.

avocado

↓

Now, I don't know what you are.

↓

Okay, I see that I don't have the support

support

↓

of my family on this, but at least I have my friends.

family friends least

↓

I'm gonna see if they want to meet at The Clam.

clam meet

↓

- [phone whooshing] - They said they're busy.

busy phone whooshing

↓

I see GIFs of people without genitals.

genitals

↓

That means busy.

busy

↓

Does this mean you're a beta dad now?

beta

↓

No, Chris. But I want you to know that I heard you.

chris heard

↓

Your feelings are valid, and thank you-- Oh, God, I am.

feelings valid

↓

Aw, now I'm gonna have to hang out

hang

↓

at the beta dad headquarters,

beta headquarters

↓

the farmers' market.

farmers market

↓

This isn't spicy, is it?

spicy

↓

No, sir, it's a strawberry.

strawberry

↓

Hmm, I better not. I can't do spicy.

spicy

↓

I can't believe you guys got this business

believe business

↓

started so quickly.

quickly started

↓

Yeah, we found the perfect spot with zero available parking,

available found parking perfect spot zero

↓

and the rest just fell into place.

fell place rest

↓

Chris, do you know what the most important part

chris part

↓

of working in a busy doctor's office is?

busy doctors doctors-office office working

↓

- The patients? - Nope.

nope patients

↓

Taking care of the tropical fish

care fish tropical

↓

that's impossible to take care of.

care impossible

↓

Why is it swimming upside down?

swimming upside

↓

I don't know. Sometimes it sinks, sometimes it floats,

floats sometimes

↓

and sometimes it does that. All are bad.

sometimes

↓

There's a number taped to the desk.

desk number taped

↓

That's Eric, our tropical fish guy. He's gonna be your best friend.

best best-friend eric fish friend tropical

↓

Call him whenever it does anything.

↓

Do everything Eric says.

eric

↓

None of it will work, but trust me, he's the best.

best trust

↓

It flipped back over.

flipped

↓

Why are you telling me? Tell Eric.

eric telling

↓

Remember, Peter, it's not drinking alone

alone drinking peter remember

↓

as long as you have Popsicle Peter with you.

peter popsicle

↓

[high-pitched voice] Help.

pitched pitched-voice voice

↓

He only uses me to scratch his icky parts.

icky parts scratch uses

↓

[normal voice] Shut up and get to work in there.

normal normal-voice voice

↓

Uh-oh, look who's here.

↓

What the hell? You guys said you had plans,

plans

↓

but you're here drinking?

drinking

↓

And you're in my spot, Cleveland.

cleveland spot

↓

Yep. Think I'm gonna be sitting

sitting

↓

wherever I want from now on, chief.

chief

↓

Sorry, we didn't want people thinking

thinking

↓

we were noodle-armed by association.

armed association noodle

↓

Yeah, my arms are literally all I have.

arms

↓

How do you not know how to throw?

throw

↓

I never learned.

learned

↓

My dad was always working when I was a kid,

working

↓

and when he'd get home, he always said he had a headache.

headache home

↓

That was back before everyone carried metal water bottles,

bottles carried metal water

↓

so no one drank water, and all adults had headaches.

adults drank headaches water

↓

My only friends were day raccoons,

friends raccoons

↓

who are the most social of all raccoons.

raccoons social

↓

They're the ones who taught me how to throw.

ones taught throw

↓

So, that's why I throw bad for a guy,

throw

↓

but really good for a raccoon.

raccoon

↓

- Is all that true? - I don't know.

↓

I've had several cases of rabies,

cases rabies several

↓

so memories are hard for me.

hard memories

↓

All I know is that I've spent the rest of my life

life rest spent

↓

avoiding scenarios where I got to throw.

avoiding scenarios throw

↓

Didn't you go to Red Sox fantasy camp?

camp fantasy

↓

And I swear I've seen you having a catch

catch having seen swear

↓

with Chris out on your front lawn.

chris front front-lawn lawn

↓

Yeah, that was my stunt double.

double stunt

↓

He's the fat guy who dresses up like me at Comic-Con.

comic dresses

↓

He wants to interview me as me,

interview wants

↓

and I'm just like, dude, no.

↓

Excuse me, are you Peter Griffin?

excuse griffin peter peter-griffin

↓

That depends. Are you classlessly serving

depends serving

↓

a legal document for Jason Sudeikis?

document jason legal

↓

No, I do promotions for a local minor league team,

league local minor team

↓

the Quahog Blowholes.

quahog

↓

Ah, yes, then I'm Peter.

peter

↓

I wanted to invite you to throw out

invite throw wanted

↓

a ceremonial first pitch this weekend.

ceremonial pitch weekend

↓

What? You know he can't throw, right?

throw

↓

Yes, that's why we want him.

↓

Minor league baseball needs gimmicks to attract fans.

attract baseball fans league league-baseball minor needs

↓

You guys remember the story about that chimpanzee umpire?

remember story

↓

The one what ate up all them fans' faces?

faces fans

↓

Yup. That was me.

↓

Anyway, we think you'd make the perfect gimmick, Peter.

perfect peter

↓

I'll do it.

↓

What? You're gonna embarrass yourself again.

embarrass

↓

This time on a bigger stage.

bigger stage

↓

So? Did Batgirl just give up

↓

when everyone said her movie stunk?

movie stunk

↓

- Uh, yes. Very publicly, yes. - Oh.

publicly

↓

Well, I'm not Batgirl.

↓

I am gonna throw out that first pitch,

pitch throw

↓

and it's gonna be a perfect strike.

perfect strike

↓

I love confident idiots. It's why I bought a Tesla.

bought confident idiots love

↓

See you this weekend.

weekend

↓

What are you doing?

↓

You can't just learn how to throw in a couple days.

couple couple-days days learn throw

↓

Hey, anything is possible.

possible

↓

Stanley Tucci's a sex symbol now.

stanley symbol

↓

You ever watch a guy with a bald head

bald head watch

↓

and super hairy arms cook zucchini?

arms cook hairy super zucchini

↓

[Lois] Oh, yeah!

lois

↓

You like this apron?

apron

↓

It's a women's medium,

medium womens

↓

and it comes off real easy.

comes easy real

↓

[Lois growls] Tucci!

growls lois

↓

Wow, you are so tight. Do you sit a lot?

tight

↓

Sitting's the silent killer.

killer silent

↓

No, I stand quite often.

often stand

↓

And that's your problem right there.

problem

↓

Standing's the silent killer.

killer silent

↓

I actually mix it up pretty good.

↓

Variety, the silent killer.

killer silent variety

↓

I can't believe how well this is going, Brian.

believe brian

↓

Please, call me Doctor B.

doctor

↓

"Doctor," then one initial?

doctor initial

↓

We must be doing very well.

must

↓

Permission to speak like a human fist bump?

bump fist human permission speak

↓

- Granted. - We are passing "Go."

granted passing

↓

We are collecting $200. We are...

collecting

↓

[singsongy] crushing!

crushing

↓

You have a couple of energy drinks

couple drinks energy energy-drinks

↓

today there, Doctor B?

doctor today

↓

Had a few no-breakfast Monsters. Yep.

breakfast monsters

↓

Eyes a little shaky. Feeling a little, uh, scared.

eyes feeling scared shaky

↓

All right, yeah, you go take a walk.

walk

↓

I'll take the next patient. Chris, who's next?

chris patient

↓

Chris?

chris

↓

What the hell?

↓

Chris opened his own office.

chris office opened

↓

Hey, Doctor S,

doctor

↓

my ears are still kinda ringing

ears kinda ringing

↓

from that adjustment.

adjustment

↓

You said you drank a soda once, right?

drank soda

↓

Sugar, the silent killer.

killer silent sugar

↓

[grunts]

grunts

↓

I guess I'm always just gonna be one of those guys

↓

who throws like a girl.

girl throws

↓

- [shouts] - [Meg] You wish you threw like a girl.

girl shouts threw wish

↓

Meg?

↓

You're gonna throw out that first pitch, Dad,

pitch throw

↓

and I'm gonna teach you.

teach

↓

Ha-ha-ha, much laughter

laughter

↓

and exaggerated scenarios ahead.

ahead scenarios

↓

[announcer] This joke was written by AI

announcer joke written

↓

while the writers were on strike.

strike writers

↓

Hey, listen. Thanks for teaching me how to throw,

teaching thanks throw

↓

but why are you helping me?

helping

↓

Because you're my dad.

↓

And also because your last display

display

↓

was really embarrassing.

embarrassing

↓

I just didn't know you were so good at sports, Meg.

sports

↓

Are you serious?

serious

↓

I won a state championship with my basketball team.

basketball championship state team

↓

I went to the Olympics in Korea.

korea olympics

↓

Yeah, I don't watch the Meg episodes.

episodes watch

↓

So, you don't know anything about me?

↓

Yeah, I gotta be honest, I've got

honest

↓

a lot of passwords to remember,

remember

↓

so I'm-I'm always cycling through those.

↓

Don't mind me, just grabbing my cigarettes

cigarettes grabbing mind

↓

from their elaborate hiding spot.

elaborate hiding spot

↓

Did you know Meg played sports?

played sports

↓

Oh, yeah?

↓

When?

↓

Ugh, like my whole life.

life whole whole-life

↓

There's trophies in my room.

room trophies

↓

Cool. Good for you.

cool

↓

That's a relief.

relief

↓

I put the magnesium in the bag.

↓

Start with two before bed,

start

↓

and if your stomach tolerates it, go to three.

stomach three

↓

Thanks, Doctor C. You know your fish

doctor fish thanks

↓

is swimming upside down, right?

swimming upside

↓

Yeah, it's a water temperature thing,

temperature water

↓

I think. I hope.

hope

↓

What the hell, Chris?

chris

↓

You stole our clients.

clients stole

↓

So what? A lot of those people

↓

came to you with real problems

problems real

↓

and you just exploited them for money.

exploited money

↓

Yeah, that's the whole chiropractic model.

model whole

↓

Well, I figured I could actually help them,

figured

↓

and take their money.

money

↓

What do you even know about being a chiropractor?

chiropractor

↓

Enough to look at your posture

posture

↓

and know that you sit for a living.

living

↓

Oh, damn, he's good.

↓

Look, I know you guys are upset.

upset

↓

Yes, we are competitors, but if you really think about it,

↓

you'll see that our stories are the same

stories

↓

because we're both trying to...

↓

- help people! - [cracks]

cracks

↓

- [farts] - [laughing] There.

farts laughing

↓

Now your legs are even.

legs

↓

Whoa. How'd you do that?

howd whoa

↓

By caring.

caring

↓

That's the one thing you can't fake.

fake

↓

- Good luck, guys. - [phone rings]

luck phone phone-rings rings

↓

Chris' Chiropractic, how may I health you?

chris health

↓

Oh, hi, Eric.

eric

↓

Yeah, it's upside down again.

upside

↓

Dude, I did all that.

↓

Okay, Dad.

↓

I thought one way to get you throwing

throwing

↓

would be to get tips from

tips

↓

one of the best pitchers of all time, Roger Clemens.

best pitchers roger

↓

Hi, Peter.

peter

↓

Wow, I can't believe The Rocket is gonna help me.

believe rocket

↓

The first thing you're gonna wanna do

↓

- is grip the ball like this. - Okay, cool.

ball cool grip

↓

Then you're gonna wanna find the right place on your ass

place

↓

to inject yourself, allegedly.

allegedly inject

↓

- What? - If I did this

↓

while I was playing, I would've shoved it

playing shoved wouldve

↓

right through my thick Texas jeans.

jeans texas thick

↓

But I did not do this while I was playing.

playing

↓

- Can we go back to the grip-- - Rocket!

grip rocket

↓

Then, when you're done,

↓

make sure to discard your needles safely.

needles safely

↓

If I had ever done this, which I did not,

↓

I would've discarded them in the top drawer

drawer wouldve

↓

of my wife's dresser, in between her underwear

dresser underwear wifes

↓

and necklaces, or her gym bag, allegedly.

allegedly

↓

Any place that isn't yours and is hers works.

place works

↓

Your forehead vein is pulsing.

forehead vein

↓

That's what veins do, you nimrod.

veins

↓

Now, we wait.

↓

Then, once you bite through your own tooth,

bite tooth

↓

you know you're ready to pitch.

pitch ready

↓

[straining]

straining

↓

[shouts]

shouts

↓

Let's bean some Orioles!

bean

↓

So, I was talking to Mom,

↓

and she told me that part of your problem

part problem

↓

might be performance anxiety.

anxiety might performance

↓

Yeah, what context was this brought up in?

brought context

↓

The one you're thinking.

thinking

↓

She said sometimes watching someone else

sometimes watching

↓

do it first helps.

helps

↓

So, I invited Cleveland over to do it with Mom

cleveland invited

↓

while you watch from this stool.

stool watch

↓

- [grunts] - Ow.

grunts

↓

Want me to slow it down?

slow

↓

Oh, don't you dare.

dare

↓

I can take harder.

harder

↓

- Oh, yeah. Thank you. - Damn, you know how to catch it, girl.

catch girl

↓

- Oh, yeah, thank you. Oh, keep it going. - Yeah, catch it! Catch it!

catch

↓

- Oh, you are gonna split me in half! - Catch it with your leg out!

catch half split

↓

[Cleveland] You wanna hop in, Pete?

cleveland pete

↓

[Lois] No, he goes last

lois

↓

- when my mitt's the loosest. - [sighs]

mitts sighs

↓

You okay, Dad?

↓

No. I never figured my life would end up like this

figured life

↓

when I was getting my picture taken in front of that tree.

front picture picture-taken taken tree

↓

Why are we sitting on the field?

field sitting

↓

Because I think your biggest hurdle might be your mind.

biggest might mind

↓

I read that some pitchers have thrown their best games

best games pitchers read thrown

↓

while on LSD.

↓

So let's do LSD.

↓

Yeah, okay.

↓

We had empty stomachs,

empty stomachs

↓

so the drugs kicked in pretty quick.

drugs kicked quick

↓

I never learned to throw that day,

learned throw

↓

but we got scared by a faucet and pooped ourselves

pooped scared

↓

in an Exxon station.

station

↓

I saw my whole life's timeline

lifes timeline whole

↓

that afternoon, and it was beautiful.

afternoon

↓

Now, it's my 92nd birthday and I'm on a sailboat

birthday

↓

about to drink a CVS-brand euthanasia cocktail.

brand cocktail drink

↓

If you compare it to the name- brand euthanasia cocktails,

brand cocktails compare name name-brand

↓

it's the same ingredients for half the cost.

cost half ingredients

↓

In the future, we all die dignified deaths on sailboats.

deaths future

↓

So, that's why we guarantee

guarantee

↓

that our cracks are 30% louder

cracks louder

↓

than that whack-job next door.

door whack

↓

How do you measure that?

measure

↓

With doctor things. Let's start.

doctor start

↓

Wow, that was your C4 vertebra.

↓

Ah, that was your L-M-N-O-P.

↓

Take your time getting up.

↓

If you feel dizzy, it's probably from the vaccine.

dizzy vaccine

↓

[announcer] Chiropractors, show me one who's vaccinated.

announcer vaccinated

↓

No, we don't validate parking,

parking validate

↓

but if you buy a coffee down the block, they will.

block coffee

↓

[man farts]

farts

↓

- Doctor B. Doctor S. - Doctor C.

doctor

↓

Saw you put a pink salt lamp in your window.

lamp pink salt window

↓

I guess you're dabbling in witchcraft now.

witchcraft

↓

Nope, just good air quality.

nope quality

↓

I heard you're still not paying for Pandora Premium,

heard paying premium

↓

so your music has commercials.

commercials music

↓

That sounds relaxing.

relaxing sounds

↓

Relaxing enough to be fully booked this weekend.

booked fully relaxing weekend

↓

Except for the lady who canceled

canceled except lady

↓

because Brian followed her on Instagram

brian followed instagram

↓

right after her appointment.

appointment

↓

Client outreach fail.

client fail outreach

↓

[tires screech]

screech tires tires-screech

↓

Hi, we're from the Department of Health and Human Services.

department health human services

↓

We've been asked to investigate your businesses

asked businesses investigate

↓

for medical and insurance fraud.

fraud insurance medical

↓

We can go in and grab your files,

files grab

↓

or you can grab them for us.

grab

↓

Quick "quesh." Do you guys have agents

agents quick

↓

on the back side of the building?

building side

↓

- We do. - Ah, a perimeter. Good.

perimeter

↓

How'd you catch us?

catch howd

↓

The same thing that gets every chiropractor.

chiropractor

↓

The inflated, phony charges,

charges inflated phony

↓

and the sports cars with vanity license plates.

cars license plates sports vanity

↓

Figured you were either chiros or drug dealers.

dealers drug drug-dealers figured

↓

We'll give you five minutes to collect your tropical fish.

collect fish five five-minutes minutes tropical

↓

Oh, those are long dead.

dead

↓

I know you're nervous, Dad, but you can do this.

nervous

↓

No, it's not that.

↓

Do you think I have to shower with the team afterwards?

afterwards shower team

↓

You need to focus, Dad. Look at me.

focus

↓

When you step out there, it's just you, the ball,

ball step

↓

and 2,000 people who are counting on you to fail.

counting fail

↓

And if there's one thing I know about being your daughter,

daughter

↓

it's that when someone's counting on you,

counting someones

↓

you always let them down.

↓

So, are you gonna give them what they want?

↓

Or are you gonna go out there and disappoint them?

disappoint

↓

I only know one way.

↓

[announcer] And now, to throw out our ceremonial first pitch,

announcer ceremonial pitch throw

↓

please welcome to the field,

field welcome

↓

Peter "Never Heard of Taylor Swift" Griffin.

griffin heard peter swift taylor

↓

Who?

↓

Good luck, see you in the showers.

luck showers

↓

Individual stalls with smoked-glass doors?

doors glass individual smoked

↓

Nope. Big, echoey, 1960s johnson-danglers.

johnson nope

↓

[grunts on video]

grunts video

↓

[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing

↓

- Strike! Damn it. - [crowd groans]

crowd groans strike

↓

Whoo! He did it!

whoo

↓

[Peter] Ow!

peter

↓

I can't believe it. I threw a passable strike.

believe strike threw

↓

You're the only one who believed in me, Meg.

believed

↓

Are you okay?

↓

Your arm is backwards and feels very hot.

backwards feels

↓

Good job, Peter.

peter

↓

I guess you don't throw like a girl anymore.

anymore girl throw

↓

No.

↓

That's exactly what I throw like.

throw

↓

Time for a victory lap.

victory

↓

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

↓

♪ La-la-la-la ♪

↓

Is that how he really runs?

runs

↓

I'll, uh, we'll... we'll work on that.

↓

[♪ Feel-good rock music playing, John Mellencamp "Small Town"]

john music music-playing playing rock rock-music rock-music-playing town

↓

[Peter] A lot of people remembered my pitch that day.

peter pitch remembered

↓

I'll remember it as the last day

remember

↓

it was called "Quahog Stadium."

called quahog stadium

↓

The next day, they changed the name to "Porn Hub Field."

changed field name porn

↓

Called the team the "Jacks."

called jacks team

↓

People say America's changed,

americas changed

↓

but I still think it's pretty great.

↓

♪ Well, I was born in a small town... ♪

born town

↓

[♪ organ playing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"]

ball ball-game game organ playing

↓

Where do you think you're going, Griffin?

griffin

↓

No one leaves without hitting the showers first.

hitting leaves showers

↓

Can I wear my gym shorts?

shorts wear

↓

No. We gotta see it.

↓

That's baseball.

baseball