Home » Family Guy » S23E07 — Pitch Imperfect

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 7 — Pitch Imperfect

♪ It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

#1

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♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

#2

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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

#3

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

#4

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♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

#5

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

#6

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♪ Laugh and cry ♪

#7

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[all] ♪ He's a family guy ♪

#8

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Oh, it was nice of the brewery to host this Oktoberfest.

#9

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Yeah, they wanted to support the community

#10

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and hopefully win back some of the market share

#11

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- they lost to fentanyl. - Those come in rainbow now.

#12

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Yeah, I reposted an article about that on Facebook

#13

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and said "FYI," so I basically saved the children.

#14

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This festival's kind of weird.

#15

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How did Germans even come up with Oktoberfest?

#16

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[German accent] So, guys, turns out everybody hates us

#17

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for all our world wars, et cetera.

#18

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We need to do something that shows

#19

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we are fun and silly, and not human exterminators.

#20

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What about beer, pretzels,

#21

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und horns that go "oompa oompa"?

#22

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That's good. Very good.

#23

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Yes, that, and little square mustaches because--

#24

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No more mustaches!

#25

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Meg, check it out.

#26

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A make-your-own-sausage station.

#27

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Are you supposed to be touching that?

#28

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Ha, they look like little poops--

#29

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Aah!

#30

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You must make me whole again.

#31

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Never mind, this is my destiny!

#32

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Hey, look, a chiropractor.

#33

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I could actually use an adjustment.

#34

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Oh, let's see how you turn this into a brag.

#35

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I hurt my back reading screenplays for a competition.

#36

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Finish the sentence.

#37

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- That I paid to be a judge in. - There you go.

#38

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- Hello. - Cha-ching!

#39

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I mean, hello. Would you guys like an adjustment?

#40

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- I'll take one. - Not me. I think you're a quack.

#41

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I also do colonic irrigation therapy.

#42

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I'll take a pamphlet.

#43

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[sniffs]

#44

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This head hole smells like spit.

#45

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Don't worry, I always give it one lazy wipe between patients.

#46

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Now, I'm gonna ask you some questions

#47

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I can steer into any direction I need.

#48

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- Do you ever feel tired? - I do.

#49

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And if you go a few hours between meals,

#50

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do you ever feel like you need to eat again?

#51

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Yeah, like, every day.

#52

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That's a big problem nowadays.

#53

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I have some very expensive supplements that'll help.

#54

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- [cracks] - Whoa. That feels great.

#55

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Yeah, that good feeling will last

#56

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right until you get into your car.

#57

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- Here's your bill. - $700?

#58

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That covers the consultation, evaluation, diagnosis,

#59

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adjustment, supplements and a fart surcharge.

#60

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- I didn't fart. - You did.

#61

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People always do. Or maybe I did.

#62

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Either way, I'll just bill it to your insurance.

#63

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Man, I can't believe-- [farts]

#64

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- Oh, there it is. - [chiropractor] Told you.

#65

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Did you see how much that chiropractor charged?

#66

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I could do the same thing he did.

#67

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You could, and that's not a compliment.

#68

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His degree was from a Margaritaville.

#69

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Should... should we become chiropractors?

#70

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Already on it. "Siri, how do I become a chiropractor?"

#71

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[Siri] Do you want to be a doctor,

#72

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but don't like to read books?

#73

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- Yes. - Congratulations.

#74

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- Yes. - Congratulations.

#74

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You are now a chiropractor.

#75

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You are now a chiropractor.

#75

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Mailing certification and teeth whitening kit now.

#76

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Oh, that was easy.

#77

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Yeah, thank God.

#78

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I needed a new job, and it was either this

#79

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or become a family photographer.

#80

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[announcer 1] Is your son just the cutest,

#81

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and are you eager to capture that precious sliver of time?

#82

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Well, at Son in Front of a Tree Photography,

#83

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we capture these memories for you

#84

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by photographing your son in front of a tree

#85

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in a park that's close to my house.

#86

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Put him in a shirt that he hates

#87

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and watch him lean, climb, or sit in front of a tree.

#88

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Hold his arms as he jumps into the air in front of a tree.

#89

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Sure, he bit you for making him take off his Spider-Man shoes,

#90

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but wait until you see

#91

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this photo of him resting on his hands

#92

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in front of a tree.

#93

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We'll even take one

#94

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of the parents in front of the tree.

#95

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Because at Son in Front of a Tree Photography,

#96

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we capture memories that'll last a lifetime.

#97

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And years later,

#98

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when that same son is forced out of college

#99

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for a team hazing scandal,

#100

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you'll look at the photos of your son in front of a tree

#101

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and wonder if that monster was always inside him.

#102

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Yeah, probably.

#103

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He bit you for taking off his shoes.

#104

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Call today.

#105

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[announcer 2] May not ever receive photos.

#106

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God, the prizes at these things are such junk.

#107

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I want one. Peter, win me a toy.

#108

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What? Why?

#109

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'Cause I'm New-England-lady drunk.

#110

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Either you win me a stupid stuffed something,

#111

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or I'm gonna start naming ex-boyfriends who would've.

#112

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Great, everybody, get ready to hear

#113

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who made First Team All-Dirtbag.

#114

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Tom Hambley would've had me double-fisting

#115

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highly-flammable bootleg SpongeBobs by now.

#116

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Yeah, didn't he also whip it out to your mom before your prom?

#117

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He said he mistimed how far away he was

#118

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from our hallway bathroom. Just throw the ball.

#119

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I would, but my elbow's acting up.

#120

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Old injury from The Late Night Wars.

#121

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I'll win you one of them things, Lois.

#122

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Oh, no, it's Mikey Bagshaw,

#123

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Lois' ex-boyfriend with shamrock tattoos on both calves.

#124

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You're allowed here?

#125

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Yeah, there ain't no schools close.

#126

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Then I guess it's your move, Peter.

#127

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This is really testing me.

#128

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I wonder what my old karate sensei would want me to do.

#129

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Take your sneakers off, Peter. You can't wear them on the mats.

#130

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But they light up, Sensei.

#131

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Put them in the cubbies. Geez, every class with this clown.

#132

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[strains]

#133

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[laughter]

#134

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[laughs] He throws like a girl!

#135

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Come on, people don't say that anymore, dude.

#136

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The correct term is he throws like a Chalamet, probably.

#137

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And on behalf of everyone at Channel 5,

#138

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we'd like to apologize for the pornography

#139

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that aired during our cooking segment.

#140

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There are a lot of very funny people

#141

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who are good at computers, and we can't stop them.

#142

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All right, who's ready for The Last of Us?

#143

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I love zombie shows about shrub overgrowth.

#144

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Chris, move, you're sitting in my spot.

#145

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Yeah, I think I'm gonna be sitting

#146

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wherever I want from now on, chief.

#147

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What? Where am I supposed to sit?

#148

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Kind of not my problem, chief.

#149

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Did you just double "chief" me?

#150

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- That's right, chief. - Triple?

#151

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Is this 'cause of the throw?

#152

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Well, technically, it didn't qualify as a throw.

#153

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It fell somewhere between a roll and a... [grunts weakly]

#154

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Come on, barely anybody saw that.

#155

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I'm sure it'll all blow over.

#156

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And now in "Ha-Ha, Look At This Guy" news,

#157

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ha-ha, look at this guy.

#158

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[grunts weakly]

#159

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[crowd laughing]

#160

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Aw, rats.

#161

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If that isn't an indication of how poorly

#162

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someone's penis works, I don't know what is.

#163

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Is this my fault, Peter?

#164

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Is it 'cause I made you watch Ted Lasso?

#165

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You know, maybe sports shows

#166

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should be about sports instead of feelings.

#167

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- Look, it's not that big a deal. - It is, though.

#168

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I always knew you were overweight,

#169

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but I thought you were at least athletic fat.

#170

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I told people you were a good fat, like an avocado.

#171

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Now, I don't know what you are.

#172

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Okay, I see that I don't have the support

#173

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of my family on this, but at least I have my friends.

#174

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I'm gonna see if they want to meet at The Clam.

#175

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- [phone whooshing] - They said they're busy.

#176

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I see GIFs of people without genitals.

#177

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That means busy.

#178

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Does this mean you're a beta dad now?

#179

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No, Chris. But I want you to know that I heard you.

#180

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Your feelings are valid, and thank you-- Oh, God, I am.

#181

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Aw, now I'm gonna have to hang out

#182

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at the beta dad headquarters,

#183

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the farmers' market.

#184

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This isn't spicy, is it?

#185

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No, sir, it's a strawberry.

#186

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Hmm, I better not. I can't do spicy.

#187

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I can't believe you guys got this business

#188

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started so quickly.

#189

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Yeah, we found the perfect spot with zero available parking,

#190

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and the rest just fell into place.

#191

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Chris, do you know what the most important part

#192

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of working in a busy doctor's office is?

#193

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- The patients? - Nope.

#194

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Taking care of the tropical fish

#195

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that's impossible to take care of.

#196

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Why is it swimming upside down?

#197

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I don't know. Sometimes it sinks, sometimes it floats,

#198

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and sometimes it does that. All are bad.

#199

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There's a number taped to the desk.

#200

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That's Eric, our tropical fish guy. He's gonna be your best friend.

#201

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Call him whenever it does anything.

#202

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Do everything Eric says.

#203

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None of it will work, but trust me, he's the best.

#204

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It flipped back over.

#205

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Why are you telling me? Tell Eric.

#206

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Remember, Peter, it's not drinking alone

#207

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as long as you have Popsicle Peter with you.

#208

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[high-pitched voice] Help.

#209

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He only uses me to scratch his icky parts.

#210

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[normal voice] Shut up and get to work in there.

#211

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Uh-oh, look who's here.

#212

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What the hell? You guys said you had plans,

#213

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but you're here drinking?

#214

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And you're in my spot, Cleveland.

#215

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Yep. Think I'm gonna be sitting

#216

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wherever I want from now on, chief.

#217

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Sorry, we didn't want people thinking

#218

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we were noodle-armed by association.

#219

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Yeah, my arms are literally all I have.

#220

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How do you not know how to throw?

#221

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I never learned.

#222

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My dad was always working when I was a kid,

#223

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and when he'd get home, he always said he had a headache.

#224

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That was back before everyone carried metal water bottles,

#225

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so no one drank water, and all adults had headaches.

#226

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My only friends were day raccoons,

#227

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who are the most social of all raccoons.

#228

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They're the ones who taught me how to throw.

#229

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So, that's why I throw bad for a guy,

#230

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but really good for a raccoon.

#231

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- Is all that true? - I don't know.

#232

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I've had several cases of rabies,

#233

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so memories are hard for me.

#234

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All I know is that I've spent the rest of my life

#235

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avoiding scenarios where I got to throw.

#236

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Didn't you go to Red Sox fantasy camp?

#237

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And I swear I've seen you having a catch

#238

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with Chris out on your front lawn.

#239

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Yeah, that was my stunt double.

#240

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He's the fat guy who dresses up like me at Comic-Con.

#241

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He wants to interview me as me,

#242

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and I'm just like, dude, no.

#243

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Excuse me, are you Peter Griffin?

#244

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That depends. Are you classlessly serving

#245

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a legal document for Jason Sudeikis?

#246

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No, I do promotions for a local minor league team,

#247

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the Quahog Blowholes.

#248

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Ah, yes, then I'm Peter.

#249

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I wanted to invite you to throw out

#250

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a ceremonial first pitch this weekend.

#251

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What? You know he can't throw, right?

#252

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Yes, that's why we want him.

#253

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Minor league baseball needs gimmicks to attract fans.

#254

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You guys remember the story about that chimpanzee umpire?

#255

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The one what ate up all them fans' faces?

#256

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Yup. That was me.

#257

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Anyway, we think you'd make the perfect gimmick, Peter.

#258

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I'll do it.

#259

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What? You're gonna embarrass yourself again.

#260

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This time on a bigger stage.

#261

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So? Did Batgirl just give up

#262

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when everyone said her movie stunk?

#263

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- Uh, yes. Very publicly, yes. - Oh.

#264

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Well, I'm not Batgirl.

#265

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I am gonna throw out that first pitch,

#266

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and it's gonna be a perfect strike.

#267

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I love confident idiots. It's why I bought a Tesla.

#268

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See you this weekend.

#269

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What are you doing?

#270

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You can't just learn how to throw in a couple days.

#271

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Hey, anything is possible.

#272

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Stanley Tucci's a sex symbol now.

#273

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You ever watch a guy with a bald head

#274

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and super hairy arms cook zucchini?

#275

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[Lois] Oh, yeah!

#276

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You like this apron?

#277

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It's a women's medium,

#278

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and it comes off real easy.

#279

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[Lois growls] Tucci!

#280

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Wow, you are so tight. Do you sit a lot?

#281

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Sitting's the silent killer.

#282

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No, I stand quite often.

#283

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And that's your problem right there.

#284

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Standing's the silent killer.

#285

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I actually mix it up pretty good.

#286

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Variety, the silent killer.

#287

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I can't believe how well this is going, Brian.

#288

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Please, call me Doctor B.

#289

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"Doctor," then one initial?

#290

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We must be doing very well.

#291

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Permission to speak like a human fist bump?

#292

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- Granted. - We are passing "Go."

#293

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We are collecting $200. We are...

#294

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[singsongy] crushing!

#295

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You have a couple of energy drinks

#296

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today there, Doctor B?

#297

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Had a few no-breakfast Monsters. Yep.

#298

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Eyes a little shaky. Feeling a little, uh, scared.

#299

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All right, yeah, you go take a walk.

#300

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I'll take the next patient. Chris, who's next?

#301

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Chris?

#302

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What the hell?

#303

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Chris opened his own office.

#304

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Hey, Doctor S,

#305

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my ears are still kinda ringing

#306

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from that adjustment.

#307

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You said you drank a soda once, right?

#308

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Sugar, the silent killer.

#309

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[grunts]

#310

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I guess I'm always just gonna be one of those guys

#311

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who throws like a girl.

#312

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- [shouts] - [Meg] You wish you threw like a girl.

#313

⇓

Meg?

#314

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You're gonna throw out that first pitch, Dad,

#315

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and I'm gonna teach you.

#316

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Ha-ha-ha, much laughter

#317

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and exaggerated scenarios ahead.

#318

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[announcer] This joke was written by AI

#319

⇓

while the writers were on strike.

#320

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Hey, listen. Thanks for teaching me how to throw,

#321

⇓

but why are you helping me?

#322

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Because you're my dad.

#323

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And also because your last display

#324

⇓

was really embarrassing.

#325

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I just didn't know you were so good at sports, Meg.

#326

⇓

Are you serious?

#327

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I won a state championship with my basketball team.

#328

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I went to the Olympics in Korea.

#329

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Yeah, I don't watch the Meg episodes.

#330

⇓

So, you don't know anything about me?

#331

⇓

Yeah, I gotta be honest, I've got

#332

⇓

a lot of passwords to remember,

#333

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so I'm-I'm always cycling through those.

#334

⇓

Don't mind me, just grabbing my cigarettes

#335

⇓

from their elaborate hiding spot.

#336

⇓

Did you know Meg played sports?

#337

⇓

Oh, yeah?

#338

⇓

When?

#339

⇓

Ugh, like my whole life.

#340

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There's trophies in my room.

#341

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Cool. Good for you.

#342

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That's a relief.

#343

⇓

I put the magnesium in the bag.

#344

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Start with two before bed,

#345

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and if your stomach tolerates it, go to three.

#346

⇓

Thanks, Doctor C. You know your fish

#347

⇓

is swimming upside down, right?

#348

⇓

Yeah, it's a water temperature thing,

#349

⇓

I think. I hope.

#350

⇓

What the hell, Chris?

#351

⇓

You stole our clients.

#352

⇓

So what? A lot of those people

#353

⇓

came to you with real problems

#354

⇓

and you just exploited them for money.

#355

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Yeah, that's the whole chiropractic model.

#356

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Well, I figured I could actually help them,

#357

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and take their money.

#358

⇓

What do you even know about being a chiropractor?

#359

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Enough to look at your posture

#360

⇓

and know that you sit for a living.

#361

⇓

Oh, damn, he's good.

#362

⇓

Look, I know you guys are upset.

#363

⇓

Yes, we are competitors, but if you really think about it,

#364

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you'll see that our stories are the same

#365

⇓

because we're both trying to...

#366

⇓

- help people! - [cracks]

#367

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- [farts] - [laughing] There.

#368

⇓

Now your legs are even.

#369

⇓

Whoa. How'd you do that?

#370

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By caring.

#371

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That's the one thing you can't fake.

#372

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- Good luck, guys. - [phone rings]

#373

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Chris' Chiropractic, how may I health you?

#374

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Oh, hi, Eric.

#375

⇓

Yeah, it's upside down again.

#376

⇓

Dude, I did all that.

#377

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Okay, Dad.

#378

⇓

I thought one way to get you throwing

#379

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would be to get tips from

#380

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one of the best pitchers of all time, Roger Clemens.

#381

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Hi, Peter.

#382

⇓

Wow, I can't believe The Rocket is gonna help me.

#383

⇓

The first thing you're gonna wanna do

#384

⇓

- is grip the ball like this. - Okay, cool.

#385

⇓

Then you're gonna wanna find the right place on your ass

#386

⇓

to inject yourself, allegedly.

#387

⇓

- What? - If I did this

#388

⇓

while I was playing, I would've shoved it

#389

⇓

right through my thick Texas jeans.

#390

⇓

But I did not do this while I was playing.

#391

⇓

- Can we go back to the grip-- - Rocket!

#392

⇓

Then, when you're done,

#393

⇓

make sure to discard your needles safely.

#394

⇓

If I had ever done this, which I did not,

#395

⇓

I would've discarded them in the top drawer

#396

⇓

of my wife's dresser, in between her underwear

#397

⇓

and necklaces, or her gym bag, allegedly.

#398

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Any place that isn't yours and is hers works.

#399

⇓

Your forehead vein is pulsing.

#400

⇓

That's what veins do, you nimrod.

#401

⇓

Now, we wait.

#402

⇓

Then, once you bite through your own tooth,

#403

⇓

you know you're ready to pitch.

#404

⇓

[straining]

#405

⇓

[shouts]

#406

⇓

Let's bean some Orioles!

#407

⇓

So, I was talking to Mom,

#408

⇓

and she told me that part of your problem

#409

⇓

might be performance anxiety.

#410

⇓

Yeah, what context was this brought up in?

#411

⇓

The one you're thinking.

#412

⇓

She said sometimes watching someone else

#413

⇓

do it first helps.

#414

⇓

So, I invited Cleveland over to do it with Mom

#415

⇓

while you watch from this stool.

#416

⇓

- [grunts] - Ow.

#417

⇓

Want me to slow it down?

#418

⇓

Oh, don't you dare.

#419

⇓

I can take harder.

#420

⇓

- Oh, yeah. Thank you. - Damn, you know how to catch it, girl.

#421

⇓

- Oh, yeah, thank you. Oh, keep it going. - Yeah, catch it! Catch it!

#422

⇓

- Oh, you are gonna split me in half! - Catch it with your leg out!

#423

⇓

[Cleveland] You wanna hop in, Pete?

#424

⇓

[Lois] No, he goes last

#425

⇓

- when my mitt's the loosest. - [sighs]

#426

⇓

You okay, Dad?

#427

⇓

No. I never figured my life would end up like this

#428

⇓

when I was getting my picture taken in front of that tree.

#429

⇓

[announcer] Son in Front of a Tree Photography.

#430

⇓

No one would ever guess

#431

⇓

your boy would grow up to be a world-class cuck.

#432

⇓

Why are we sitting on the field?

#433

⇓

Because I think your biggest hurdle might be your mind.

#434

⇓

I read that some pitchers have thrown their best games

#435

⇓

while on LSD.

#436

⇓

So let's do LSD.

#437

⇓

Yeah, okay.

#438

⇓

We had empty stomachs,

#439

⇓

so the drugs kicked in pretty quick.

#440

⇓

I never learned to throw that day,

#441

⇓

but we got scared by a faucet and pooped ourselves

#442

⇓

in an Exxon station.

#443

⇓

I saw my whole life's timeline

#444

⇓

that afternoon, and it was beautiful.

#445

⇓

Now, it's my 92nd birthday and I'm on a sailboat

#446

⇓

about to drink a CVS-brand euthanasia cocktail.

#447

⇓

If you compare it to the name- brand euthanasia cocktails,

#448

⇓

it's the same ingredients for half the cost.

#449

⇓

In the future, we all die dignified deaths on sailboats.

#450

⇓

So, that's why we guarantee

#451

⇓

that our cracks are 30% louder

#452

⇓

than that whack-job next door.

#453

⇓

How do you measure that?

#454

⇓

With doctor things. Let's start.

#455

⇓

Wow, that was your C4 vertebra.

#456

⇓

Ah, that was your L-M-N-O-P.

#457

⇓

Take your time getting up.

#458

⇓

If you feel dizzy, it's probably from the vaccine.

#459

⇓

[announcer] Chiropractors, show me one who's vaccinated.

#460

⇓

No, we don't validate parking,

#461

⇓

but if you buy a coffee down the block, they will.

#462

⇓

[man farts]

#463

⇓

- Doctor B. Doctor S. - Doctor C.

#464

⇓

Saw you put a pink salt lamp in your window.

#465

⇓

I guess you're dabbling in witchcraft now.

#466

⇓

Nope, just good air quality.

#467

⇓

I heard you're still not paying for Pandora Premium,

#468

⇓

so your music has commercials.

#469

⇓

That sounds relaxing.

#470

⇓

Relaxing enough to be fully booked this weekend.

#471

⇓

Except for the lady who canceled

#472

⇓

because Brian followed her on Instagram

#473

⇓

right after her appointment.

#474

⇓

Client outreach fail.

#475

⇓

[tires screech]

#476

⇓

Hi, we're from the Department of Health and Human Services.

#477

⇓

We've been asked to investigate your businesses

#478

⇓

for medical and insurance fraud.

#479

⇓

We can go in and grab your files,

#480

⇓

or you can grab them for us.

#481

⇓

Quick "quesh." Do you guys have agents

#482

⇓

on the back side of the building?

#483

⇓

- We do. - Ah, a perimeter. Good.

#484

⇓

How'd you catch us?

#485

⇓

The same thing that gets every chiropractor.

#486

⇓

The inflated, phony charges,

#487

⇓

and the sports cars with vanity license plates.

#488

⇓

Figured you were either chiros or drug dealers.

#489

⇓

We'll give you five minutes to collect your tropical fish.

#490

⇓

Oh, those are long dead.

#491

⇓

I know you're nervous, Dad, but you can do this.

#492

⇓

No, it's not that.

#493

⇓

Do you think I have to shower with the team afterwards?

#494

⇓

You need to focus, Dad. Look at me.

#495

⇓

When you step out there, it's just you, the ball,

#496

⇓

and 2,000 people who are counting on you to fail.

#497

⇓

And if there's one thing I know about being your daughter,

#498

⇓

it's that when someone's counting on you,

#499

⇓

you always let them down.

#500

⇓

So, are you gonna give them what they want?

#501

⇓

Or are you gonna go out there and disappoint them?

#502

⇓

I only know one way.

#503

⇓

[announcer] And now, to throw out our ceremonial first pitch,

#504

⇓

please welcome to the field,

#505

⇓

Peter "Never Heard of Taylor Swift" Griffin.

#506

⇓

Who?

#507

⇓

Good luck, see you in the showers.

#508

⇓

Individual stalls with smoked-glass doors?

#509

⇓

Nope. Big, echoey, 1960s johnson-danglers.

#510

⇓

[grunts on video]

#511

⇓

[crowd laughing]

#512

⇓

- Strike! Damn it. - [crowd groans]

#513

⇓

Whoo! He did it!

#514

⇓

[Peter] Ow!

#515

⇓

I can't believe it. I threw a passable strike.

#516

⇓

You're the only one who believed in me, Meg.

#517

⇓

Are you okay?

#518

⇓

Your arm is backwards and feels very hot.

#519

⇓

Good job, Peter.

#520

⇓

I guess you don't throw like a girl anymore.

#521

⇓

No.

#522

⇓

That's exactly what I throw like.

#523

⇓

Time for a victory lap.

#524

⇓

♪ Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

#525

⇓

♪ La-la-la-la ♪

#526

⇓

Is that how he really runs?

#527

⇓

I'll, uh, we'll... we'll work on that.

#528

⇓

[♪ Feel-good rock music playing, John Mellencamp "Small Town"]

#529

⇓

[Peter] A lot of people remembered my pitch that day.

#530

⇓

I'll remember it as the last day

#531

⇓

it was called "Quahog Stadium."

#532

⇓

The next day, they changed the name to "Porn Hub Field."

#533

⇓

Called the team the "Jacks."

#534

⇓

People say America's changed,

#535

⇓

but I still think it's pretty great.

#536

⇓

♪ Well, I was born in a small town... ♪

#537

⇓

[♪ organ playing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"]

#538

⇓

Where do you think you're going, Griffin?

#539

⇓

No one leaves without hitting the showers first.

#540

⇓

Can I wear my gym shorts?

#541

⇓

No. We gotta see it.

#542

⇓

That's baseball.

#543

⇓