Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 8 — Hard Times at Adam West High

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♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
#1
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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪
#2
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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
#3
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
#4
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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪
#5
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
#6
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♪ Laugh and cry! ♪
#7
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[all] ♪ He's a family guy ♪
#8
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[♪ cheerful music playing]
#9
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Wow, dinner smells great, Lois. What'd you make?
#10
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Nothing. I just defrosted one of the casseroles Bonnie left
#11
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on our porch after my foot got infected.
#12
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Most of our meals are donated stews born of trauma.
#13
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Well, I had a scary day.
#14
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During my science lab, a whole beaker of chemicals
#15
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almost blew up right in my face.
#16
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Oh, my God!
#17
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Look at this peanut! It's got three peanuts in it!
#18
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Peter, stop bringing snack foods to dinner.
#19
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How was everyone else's day?
#20
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My day was awful!
#21
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I had to give an oral book report in front of my English class,
#22
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but it was right when I... was at full mast.
#23
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Okay, next up is Chris Griffin.
#24
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[groans]
#25
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[grunting]
#26
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[Chris groans]
#27
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My report is on Tom Sawyer.
#28
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A modern-day warrior, mean, mean stride.
#29
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Today's Tom Sawyer, mean, mean pride.
#30
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That is a song by Rush.
#31
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I don't know, man. I googled it, and that's what came up.
#32
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Well, as much as I'd love to sit and hear more
#33
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about my son's public wood show, me and the guys have a tee time.
#34
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A "tee time"? But it's dark out.
#35
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Miniature golf, Lois. And it's gonna be a blast.
#36
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Even more fun than a blow pop.
#37
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I never should have married it.
#38
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Once they say "I do," they don't.
#39
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Ah, man, nothing better than hanging out with my pals on a Tuesday night.
#40
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Hey, why-- How come we always do stuff together on Tuesdays?
#41
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It's when America unloads all its week-old tacos.
#42
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Sure, Congress can push through Taco Tuesday,
#43
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but we can't seem to get decent Medicare reform.
#44
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Those two things are unrelated, Joe.
#45
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Says the shill for Big Taco.
#46
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[kids laughing]
#47
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Should've played through that birthday party.
#48
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They're playing way too slow.
#49
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[kids laughing]
#50
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Could we please have some quiet on the greens?
#51
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[sniffs] Whoa, Chris.
#52
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What's going on? Where are you going?
#53
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I can't take the humiliation.
#54
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I think my only option is to move away forever.
#55
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What? Wait, is this about what happened with your book report?
#56
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The teasing was awful, Brian.
#57
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Even Principal Shepherd got in on it.
#58
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[Principal Shepherd over PA] Chris Griffin,
#59
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please report to [chuckles] woodshop.
#60
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- [all laughing] - Stop it!
#61
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[Principal Shepherd] I'll stop when they stop laughing.
#62
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My approval rating is through the roof, just like Chris Griffin's rod!
#63
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[loud cheering]
#64
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[Principal Shepherd] On a more somber note,
#65
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that kid with the helmet died.
#66
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Chris, you can't just run away from your problems.
#67
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Well, I can't just move on and pretend nothing happened.
#68
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This isn't a school shooting.
#69
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[sighs] Okay, I see you're upset.
#70
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And I wouldn't suggest this if it weren't so serious, but...
#71
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Look, Stewie and I built a time machine.
#72
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You did? How?
#73
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Well, you know, I was always really good at Legos,
#74
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and I think it just kind of snowballed from there.
#75
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You know, if I have any advice, it's keep building, Chris. Keep building.
#76
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Anyway, maybe you and I travel back in time to this morning
#77
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and give you a do-over on your book report.
#78
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That would be amazing.
#79
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Did Rupert come this way?
#80
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Son of a bitch killed his wife and he's blaming an eight-armed man.
#81
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Brian's gonna let me use his time machine to redo my book report.
#82
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Oh, is that right?
#83
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And how exactly is Brian going to do that? Hmm?
#84
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With his time machine?
#85
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Hey, I handed you a wrench.
#86
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Yeah, the wrong wrench. Just stay away from it.
#87
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Hey, guys, you know what might be fun?
#88
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We should all pull our money and buy some scratchers together.
#89
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I love that idea.
#90
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Yeah, it'd be a great way to cap off our Tuesday guys' night.
#91
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Oh, speaking of that, we've got a special on tacos today.
#92
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Let's keep your politics out of this, pal.
#93
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Ah, you guys go ahead.
#94
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I'd rather spend my money on this tightly curled horoscope scroll.
#95
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Suit yourself.
#96
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Here we go. Winning combo.
#97
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[excitedly] Kim Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian...
#98
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[disappointedly] Scott Disick.
#99
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I'll try my favorite, Dignity Dollars.
#100
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Martin Luther King,
#101
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Malcolm X.
#102
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Aw, Jussie Smollett.
#103
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Let me show you how it's done. Give me one of the Bald Bucks.
#104
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Piven...
#105
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Travolta...
#106
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Cage! I'm a winner!
#107
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Awesome! We won $123.
#108
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Split three ways, that's 41 bucks apiece.
#109
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That's fine. I'm happy with my horoscope scroll.
#110
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"Be sure to gamble today
#111
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"with your handicapped, horny and Black friend."
#112
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Pfft. Right that could mean anything.
#113
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"Also, close your search tabs before your big work presentation tomorrow."
#114
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[scoffs] Bunch of mumbo-jumbo.
#115
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As you can see, third quarter sales...
#116
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Uh, sorry about that.
#117
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Yeah. Let me just, uh...
#118
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Okay. I don't know how that...
#119
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Ah, just give me one second here.
#120
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As... As I was saying, third quarter--
#121
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I apologize for the slight, uh...
#122
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A mini-mart scroll warned of this.
#123
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I'll clean out my desk.
#124
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[♪ suspenseful music playing]
#125
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[door creaks open]
#126
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[Stewie breathing deeply]
#127
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I don't know, Brian.
#128
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Stewie said to stay away from the time machine.
#129
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Don't worry about Stewie.
#130
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- Okay, just put in today's date. - [keypad beeping]
#131
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Set the time and go!
#132
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[computerized voice] DNA mismatch.
#133
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Enter secondary voice password
#134
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within 20 seconds to prevent self-destruct.
#135
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Crap! Secondary password?
#136
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Self-destruct?
#137
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Wait, wait, wait. I got this.
#138
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Zac Efron.
#139
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Um, Susan Lucci.
#140
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[hesitating] Dora! Diego! Gold's Gym!
#141
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- Mykonos. - Oh! I know, I know.
#142
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Fabulous. Fab! Totally fab!
#143
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Uh, uh... Go, bitch! Whatever, bitch!
#144
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Love you, bitch!
#145
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Yes, Queen! Yas, Queen?
#146
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Yaaaaas, Queeeeeen!
#147
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[machine activating]
#148
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[zapping]
#149
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Hey. Hey! Hey!
#150
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Did you see that?
#151
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[zapping]
#152
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Check it out, Chris. Welcome to 16 hours ago.
#153
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So, how does it feel to be living in the past?
#154
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Wow! Look how small that tree is
#155
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and how old all those cars look!
#156
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Oh, yeah. There's gonna be a lot of very small differences like that.
#157
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Hold on. I thought we were going to time travel
#158
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to my school, not to our house.
#159
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Oh, yeah, plugged in what was on the tag on my collar.
#160
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That's the only address I know.
#161
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Wait a minute. This could be amazing.
#162
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We got a few hours before your book report.
#163
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And with a day's advantage, we can use that time to bet on sports,
#164
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already knowing the outcome.
#165
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Oh, my gosh, you're right.
#166
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Okay, hang on, hang on, hang on... uh... Ah! Here we go. WNBA.
#167
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There's a Mystic-Sparks game today.
#168
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Remember who won that?
#169
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I don't even know what city they're from.
#170
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- Which one has Caitlin Clark? - I don't know.
#171
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Both of them? Neither?
#172
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Man, she's the best, maybe.
#173
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Hey, Cleveland. You look different.
#174
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Yeah, with my scratcher winnings, I was able to buy $41 of Ozempic.
#175
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Donna thinks I'm starting to look like skinny Jonah Hill.
#176
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And just like Jonah Hill, I can't wait
#177
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to be an aggressively unstable relationship partner.
#178
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I see.
#179
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Must be nice to have money to burn. I wouldn't know.
#180
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Say guys, I forget.
#181
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How many people does it take to make a thing go right?
#182
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[♪ upbeat hip-hop music playing, Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock "It Takes Two"]
#183
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I think you knew the answer.
#184
b06a31d3-43dc-4cb1-8b4f-1f7b6dd9de04.gif
Thanks to those lucky scratchers I just bought
#185
92ac00fd-1be5-4890-a3df-d669ecc9d6c0.gif
Now That's What I Call Music: Volume 12.
#186
3bb8e6ca-bd97-4d76-9d6f-63ad0e5da13a.gif
[smugly] Game, cassette, match.
#187
4dabb320-6992-4c37-82b8-ae6a82078a42.gif
Hey, check it out, guys.
#188
91d7c5ba-b48e-47ef-a6da-5bbe6e672ef4.gif
I turned those winning scratchers into a new belt.
#189
33f50bc6-e97b-4e37-9c7e-f87bbad838db.gif
T.J. Maxx was having a sale on everything that's strewn on the floor.
#190
30d8a038-b4a6-4124-85c7-7038e601fea0.gif
Great. Seems like everybody's really enjoying their big winnings.
#191
08fc9d70-2182-4a22-9e0e-0318637110a8.gif
Uh-uh. You can't wear that shirt because of my therapy.
#192
3090b7de-682b-42c4-bcc7-1e0c3c687f49.gif
I got her right under my pudgy, non-threatening thumb.
#193
14892afa-3a5a-4c35-be7f-b26885e635a1.gif
Okay, It's almost time for your English class.
#194
8102d12e-ae7f-4298-a38f-90ba7c320f33.gif
We just have to head off your past self so you can give the book report instead.
#195
49797f6a-ee5f-4c26-aa32-950b562c8b2b.gif
Sounds good.
#196
643007be-01e4-48b0-bc0d-c0e841d35d6a.gif
Whoa, I guess if I have anything to say to Derek, I should say it now.
#197
c6d7c210-89c9-4b4c-9194-6f2782962d48.gif
[shoe shuffling, squeaking]
#198
b06759eb-2bda-4e0d-9245-f5e3efa9842a.gif
I have nothing to say to Derek.
#199
dcc88fed-6d2b-42a3-8d2a-a79901b479e9.gif
Oh, here I come.
#200
e0bf7496-d2b4-417c-8982-957a8037c4ba.gif
Chris! You can't go in there!
#201
cabf5820-a72b-4b05-a692-5ae12e8d22f6.gif
Brian, what are you doing here? [chuckles]
#202
681221bd-cfd5-4ead-85cf-d07cfe6b669a.gif
[gasps] Are you me?
#203
f7e84460-8ec4-440f-b647-38378d1b3afe.gif
Look, there's not much time. We're from the future.
#204
7dcc9d12-2337-4326-add1-8988e463deb8.gif
Well, your future, our present.
#205
110b75f4-ec2e-4e18-8b68-2af7071b820a.gif
Let me stop you right there.
#206
7cd8aa23-c9f8-41cb-b06b-1f7f7f080c73.gif
I'm 100% fine with whatever this is.
#207
90ab6d23-48cc-4818-ba2c-8c46c62ee175.gif
I just go where I'm told.
#208
819c9aa3-7c48-408b-b606-62982d9afec9.gif
Okay, Chris, get in there and make this the flaccid-est report of your life.
#209
4de0b45c-aca5-4f27-8d4c-9ceba99970e9.gif
- I won't let you down. - [bell rings]
#210
9f81017b-7425-403d-886a-45be62d33ae4.gif
[English teacher] Just in time, Chris. You're up.
#211
f784213a-8552-497b-9ac8-afc3db34758d.gif
[Chris chuckles] Not today, I'm not.
#212
b73bfb0a-e687-44d5-8585-f93367976764.gif
Hello, peers. This is my report on the book, Tom Sawyer.
#213
0ab3567f-f748-473a-8c31-522e87ea2468.gif
The cover shows a kid painting a fence,
#214
8328b34e-dc3d-4e3c-9228-cb0cc0796c1a.gif
and inside it is paper, which is made from trees.
#215
c9d24fab-d989-413d-bef0-7537565b3aa1.gif
The end.
#216
aa23fdc9-6d78-44e1-ad5e-a77437611cb6.gif
Chris, I may have to fail you.
#217
a2a27969-3e74-4cc7-9e30-9f27b0015976.gif
Well, that's all good, 'cause the only chub in town is the insurance company.
#218
1024d8c5-9fe7-479d-bcec-2c0c0a934791.gif
Kobe!
#219
153a9fdd-8178-4c58-b87e-cf961814bf51.gif
Quagmire. I see you're wearing a brown belt today.
#220
010bb877-a227-4276-a570-31d8f0ad34df.gif
Did you buy another one?
#221
1fe5114a-7953-41e6-8f74-ad59aa143db1.gif
No. Same belt. Reversible.
#222
0b9bd6eb-f5db-424b-b417-4ee7a618b8fc.gif
That just blew my damn mind.
#223
6c05ed42-9888-47cd-9c9b-1fb0e3a6ca59.gif
Belts are reversible, men are becoming women,
#224
3d6aadc7-4dd5-4847-8ef6-1da858990df5.gif
I'm kind of getting into it, what's this world coming to?
#225
14e6d768-e8bf-4bfb-b3a7-7961cc15fd25.gif
Evening, gentlemen. Thought I'd offer some celebratory
#226
dec0fe2c-db38-4f31-8381-aa132b4eaea4.gif
popcorn shrimp for the big scratcher winners.
#227
507670a5-51fa-41a7-8c91-506d1bc68d0c.gif
Wow, no way! That's the appetizer in commercials
#228
42e835e2-b8b1-4ae3-97bc-c686117d9b81.gif
most likely to fly through the air.
#229
d0380f95-09d3-40f0-9905-41c2018b2c5e.gif
Any food that's airborne on television is very special.
#230
96459a5e-cd40-4ab2-887a-56fdfe1bec72.gif
Peter. Come on, have some.
#231
e190b0c1-2d49-40ad-87a1-25ec5273e531.gif
I understood the shrimp to be exclusively for winners.
#232
524af13a-9238-47d5-9d73-e174f36401c1.gif
Damn it! It's not fair.
#233
181e9a9a-6b15-4d6e-bb28-36d51f98fd79.gif
I've got to find a way to have what they have.
#234
2a396d4b-62f9-483c-a491-6a8e006b8d52.gif
Okay. Suction cups, pulley system, carabiners, rope, ski mask.
#235
fd2c3666-38b7-4271-9139-07e78a0e7817.gif
And one last thing.
#236
14476600-6820-47c5-a10d-4a3be14c8ff0.gif
A bat.
#237
45810a97-4514-4914-b4e4-a7d0b665ab4a.gif
- [glass shatters] - [bat clatters]
#238
258d933a-e5ff-4226-94af-c1b2e70a7cb3.gif
[hesitating] I don't understand the crossword ones.
#239
744d4232-b39a-436e-b155-219f62703426.gif
Well, Chris, probably time to head home.
#240
4e0a6272-9513-4357-8aee-26e3ab8c8fba.gif
And congrats again on a successful, non-turgid book report.
#241
78a25402-3a0c-4471-8f7c-8fe5352b2cd9.gif
Please stop saying gross smart words.
#242
d1f75260-1119-4cf4-899a-fbdec30e2394.gif
[zapping]
#243
92cfdaab-110e-419c-bc2d-c70170fbbe28.gif
Uh, hey, is... is there maybe something you guys want to tell me?
#244
1189c65b-d7aa-41d2-b61e-7f5d82ec4078.gif
Yeah. Did you know there was a WNBA game yesterday
#245
479bc911-b477-46a9-9454-9173d6fa6f07.gif
between the Mystics and the Sparks?
#246
74957435-3e2f-48a3-90b2-65526bf0bb56.gif
Yes, of course. The Mystics crushed the Sparks by 26 points.
#247
39375286-6480-4159-b0b6-66a3be8a40c0.gif
- [both groan] Aw. - Yeah, huge upset.
#248
19f6d419-9763-4022-aff6-036be09dfb4e.gif
Vegas had it all wrong.
#249
2c9fad2e-27c8-47cb-8cc3-044bf6e09e33.gif
[both groan louder]
#250
47093470-8ddb-4759-ae0a-3d2a1590952e.gif
Listen, I know you're probably mad.
#251
f225622b-3812-43c8-90a8-8154075a3356.gif
We took the time machine without asking,
#252
df257bbf-052e-47c0-b13f-3151ecbbd5c7.gif
but trust me, there's nothing to worry about.
#253
c69ff52f-e965-4864-ae17-8d0dccaa8109.gif
You sure about that?
#254
e48d8e0b-0428-45e5-bbec-79fec4dafbe3.gif
[♪ dramatic music plays]
#255
bb6543ae-beee-4e96-a5f9-bb042923c695.gif
[both scream]
#256
f8027a8b-4b84-4fea-b262-c64b3d474605.gif
[slurring] I'm sorry, little guy.
#257
96201636-6867-4a8d-b9f1-90173e201480.gif
Mom thinks it'll help the swelling from the burns
#258
b03c52a4-2e86-4736-9f2a-7f29f15bfff9.gif
if I put some of your diaper cream on my face.
#259
abefc19f-cd1b-47bf-bdb9-0cb1c8a44ee3.gif
[Mayor Wild West] Looks like Brian and Chris kicked up a little more
#260
19ea14af-1870-4f8b-8b48-1c86e411e636.gif
than dust on their mosey back in time.
#261
6cdec310-4b06-4977-837e-cf3c36671065.gif
Now, please consider these fine commercial products.
#262
fa604459-d06f-41d3-8330-4293ef4e1b33.gif
Whip sound effect.
#263
3f6432e2-ab08-4845-b36d-d462ea680dd4.gif
Yeah, he probably wasn't supposed to read that last part.
#264
8d52ce63-bf15-4b41-9420-20732ba0ce27.gif
- [whip sound effects] - Yeah. There, you see? There it is.
#265
fe6e8ebf-be27-4760-997c-a490eae9a53b.gif
[♪ somber music playing]
#266
a534fc4f-b07f-4b53-9d21-c2d096a152bc.gif
Holy crap! What happened?
#267
e77258c3-5073-4f8f-b7d0-04f4dc3b4354.gif
We... We didn't even see Meg in the past.
#268
2145d663-9a3c-451a-baaa-54a2bed2a751.gif
Well, Brian, I would surmise that in the original timeline,
#269
916a1bcf-4896-49ac-9395-6fa0b258a737.gif
the laughter at Chris emanating from his classroom created a distraction.
#270
e3599164-5c89-40dd-9780-8c53a5630273.gif
So by turning her head slightly to investigate, Meg kept her face
#271
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from being directly over the explosion.
#272
c25eb74f-e811-4c10-9c0c-a6cdb94f23d4.gif
But in a timeline where Chris was unaroused,
#273
fd707f47-6bb3-406b-be01-25a68f18904d.gif
the distracting laughter was absent.
#274
da053430-ecf6-47e6-afb8-4a9376850f0f.gif
Come on! Not one bag of pot in any of these things!
#275
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[Stewie] So, with no noise coming from Chris's classroom,
#276
af4f6553-3c85-4050-a907-2ff20877586e.gif
Meg never turned her head away, ensuring that her face would absorb
#277
b226bcdd-309e-4b19-92c9-b4730bd496ba.gif
the full brunt of the explosion.
#278
284f3249-c2b1-40f5-8189-4f7c01cd958f.gif
It's a weird word.
#279
d3ee7966-239f-4ec6-9256-5bd4ebffa2db.gif
"Brunt." Such a dumb language.
#280
1ba854cb-e508-4f7e-acf0-61421caa7243.gif
I feel horrible.
#281
a051f027-7965-47e0-86a9-2db3ffe60887.gif
We gotta fix this.
#282
5e2dbb03-e24b-4324-aade-86ce9d63d792.gif
That's exactly what we're going to do.
#283
a28d0ca2-9fb6-47b1-bab2-b2a6c04810b6.gif
Oh, this is bad. Did... Did anything else change?
#284
c69661a7-cdce-49e7-b821-4dee482f7970.gif
One thing. Lois bought Popsicles for Meg
#285
6ea80b39-b381-4579-a4fb-401fe02a3a1d.gif
since that's all she can eat now.
#286
7447d150-84ac-4c20-997a-51c73d6616b6.gif
[silence]
#287
cfdc34b7-7720-42bb-a486-bc248dbf1d78.gif
[slurping noises]
#288
204a922f-1703-4c09-8aa0-8d5ad44fcb35.gif
Mm. So good.
#289
ce109824-927b-4c3c-9c22-1b45dca5185c.gif
- What's yours? - Apple.
#290
488bb089-e04b-48f2-93df-89660ab47494.gif
Aw, there's apple? I thought that was lime!
#291
81c8849a-f65a-4efb-9b74-04e76b919020.gif
[all slurping]
#292
2b54b456-9313-4528-b637-5e153217b4c6.gif
But we should... We should go fix
#293
c6c30e9a-f583-4060-97ca-b147059f3a1f.gif
the Meg-burned-face thing, though... right?
#294
50179cce-6370-4f21-8781-59c96f9b663d.gif
[sighs, halfheartedly] Yeah, yeah. All right.
#295
e6089efd-b682-469a-86d6-5758ff3b9bb9.gif
Oh, hey, you guys. I also got ice cream sandwiches for Meg.
#296
10d28abc-c087-471d-a0cd-30c1035d5473.gif
It's a time machine. We can leave whenever we want.
#297
4e1eb242-7747-4e24-993d-3c6b8f75d094.gif
I mean, we make the schedule.
#298
a33a78e1-1008-49e3-9205-1c0b5f855532.gif
Yeah, like, literally.
#299
469f4de4-9e9b-4f8a-8cb5-901a6cfc121d.gif
Jon Hamm.
#300
7db4e0a9-d8a6-4ede-a862-61d5f9ce7db9.gif
Arnold Palmer.
#301
2903d0f1-05cf-42b3-8e50-fcc8360b9294.gif
The third one's just a mirror.
#302
8c34c9f9-f844-47ae-bbd9-faac3784c96f.gif
Oh, wait a minute.
#303
fc14378a-9271-425e-8b52-4b7f45ff78bb.gif
Scratcher!
#304
5f6373ad-156d-4866-b5dd-a0cfc2cd7cc2.gif
Peter, it's the middle of the night.
#305
c4dc65ca-2f95-487b-b626-2c4c9ecd70c0.gif
What the hell are you doing?
#306
6babe2c3-8aef-429b-a35e-b0e865bf6e15.gif
Uh... Uh, having an affair?
#307
1b09d3d9-e039-457c-9072-629109e7b514.gif
- What? With who? - Uh, you don't know her.
#308
cd78faa6-b321-4ea3-b260-1d0384fdeaca.gif
Her name is...
#309
5ae0f4c8-30cf-481c-a571-3d0b184d8e2f.gif
Sandy Shoes.
#310
f5e23c02-6e09-4919-85d8-49de94999406.gif
Peter, are you just looking at stuff in the car and making up lies?
#311
391fa86d-902a-4361-b3be-9f042eba5b04.gif
Lois, that is completely speedometer.
#312
8a848a42-c932-4301-b763-e08f89945efa.gif
[sighs] Look, I don't know what any of this is,
#313
fed770da-3920-439f-abc4-cbd63708ae90.gif
but just don't turn on the bathroom light when you come to bed.
#314
b23a8a72-eefb-4a52-919f-354d9553c5b1.gif
Okay. Thank you!
#315
f28b78b5-bab2-4441-9aa5-457e21043f55.gif
Thank-- Thanks for no more questions.
#316
819fb14b-8b3b-41a8-9030-1cfb90c62257.gif
- Love you. - [police car siren chirps]
#317
7253cb1c-2bc9-450a-ada3-5b5d67ce0da4.gif
Mr. Griffin, you're under arrest for--
#318
a846b5ac-6938-47ff-b8e5-f1565119401e.gif
I know, I know. How'd you find me?
#319
825d7ede-3f7a-4749-95e7-391291759766.gif
The store's security camera caught you checking your height
#320
85171df0-8dac-49d6-8fde-04c260ac015e.gif
against the doorjamb sticker.
#321
fe0ebbd9-919a-4ea5-a0ff-cbf5a35c588f.gif
I'm afraid I'm shrinking.
#322
6cb1bf21-d504-4e64-a0f5-74e210972e3b.gif
We're going to measure again at the jail, though, right?
#323
8ffa8cfc-7698-4822-96a6-61f85e90db64.gif
All right, we're back at the day of Chris's book report.
#324
57d8123c-6957-42b8-adcd-4e059dd606e9.gif
To save Meg's face we just have to do two things.
#325
bd7aa96c-0742-46b6-a8cf-a6f7f4ff823e.gif
First, we lock up the Chris
#326
0fa2c43a-948e-4110-99a3-b8ad4504af96.gif
who successfully gave his report without incident.
#327
fa144cb9-5569-4cd8-aff5-0d951c5d48da.gif
- Flaccid Chris. - Yes. Ew, ew, gross, but yes.
#328
db22d343-9942-42a3-81c7-18a194de6f8c.gif
And then we restore the laughter that will distract Meg
#329
e2e1e239-6601-49e9-add1-c0370102c6d3.gif
by releasing the original Chris from the custodial closet.
#330
bf945296-067d-429c-bdea-ba2338d78d95.gif
Turgid Chris.
#331
99c1d542-74c7-4474-b477-fea0e83a8668.gif
You think you're clever, but you're not clever.
#332
273e7491-5d15-45bd-ac4d-a8607376e4f2.gif
Look, there's Flaccid Me.
#333
8b1e9253-4fad-4942-9ea2-9253212d6bd1.gif
Happy? Now your crudeness is a whole thing.
#334
218f7072-55ac-408b-b4ab-357c620d7657.gif
Okay, gonna stop you right there, bud.
#335
4db60b0a-3377-41f7-822e-205ca05d3e44.gif
Stewie? Aw, crap. This can't be good.
#336
52541eb0-b4ff-4d3b-b888-7a7f54c00664.gif
Hey, Chris, we're gonna need you to...
#337
586d027b-02a3-4161-991a-ae27789ddb0f.gif
Uh-oh.
#338
822f0d68-56f1-42b6-8d88-2ea2d607a094.gif
Stewie, we've got a problem.
#339
115325b1-c08d-4945-862c-b111cf45d100.gif
- What? What's wrong? - It seems that given
#340
1ecf218f-13f4-4977-87d6-33841880c42e.gif
even a few minutes alone in a locked closet,
#341
e4b6533d-4e98-4b58-98b8-689bf5658c96.gif
Chris, uh...
#342
6577abca-e8c7-4a4f-aaa0-57c436106cad.gif
took matters into his own hands.
#343
0c0386d8-12d4-4e10-a9ea-e7c7af43fd62.gif
- What? - Yeah, he's in there sleeping
#344
0196a5e9-c629-4128-a3f9-f3efd9385e28.gif
and muttering about Lola Bunny from Space Jam.
#345
8a3d4998-78bb-4e94-b982-8620530c3f21.gif
- Who's that? - A smoking hot rabbit.
#346
0287b598-893b-4015-8f69-57fa74bf4b11.gif
Okay? I didn't get it when you said it, but now I get it.
#347
8be221b5-c820-4ef4-8e10-fdfdd3ba5bc0.gif
- So what do we do now? - Don't worry. I've got this.
#348
de3da314-d88c-4dae-8a56-3af19fe8d14d.gif
Chris, your book report is back on,
#349
318670b9-3a22-4902-a347-9cde4323848b.gif
but this time, you've got to do it at full mast.
#350
2a35f2e0-0597-47df-998d-a55cd4ebfef6.gif
Yeah, one small issue with that.
#351
c5e2ab63-af4c-4dcd-81f4-5eea5917d9c9.gif
During the time you two were yakking about how the me in the closet
#352
b8351db2-90b7-4b18-b71a-0d31fde5d2cf.gif
just masturbated... I, too, masturbated.
#353
00ad83b8-07a4-4002-8544-95495f8ce8ad.gif
- What? - Oh for God's sake!
#354
9bc3e57b-12c1-41dc-9571-e72ea19190a7.gif
Damn it! We're running out of time to save Meg.
#355
29d17843-aed5-4ee3-a00b-c73e56cacd4e.gif
Chris, we've got less than one minute to get you aroused.
#356
c3eee5c7-eec3-4696-96cc-19b8575a48d3.gif
Um... okay.
#357
f4bb557d-ba25-4d31-88bf-af7278e8dbe1.gif
Close your eyes. You're a 19th century heiress
#358
d2e2ea27-0dc4-4503-9e8e-92e7daab9fc4.gif
alone in her vast estate and awaiting a visit
#359
2c9aa8ad-764a-4d5e-a5d8-1b204d8bc59e.gif
from the handsome vicar as her dear aunt has recently passed from consumption.
#360
42f88707-d27c-4505-9011-eccae30a957a.gif
Yeah, that... that's... nothing.
#361
0a082379-482d-4ec8-91cb-b624b2f69c94.gif
[sighs] Well, I'm not proud of what I'm about to say here, but...
#362
02142b28-ea52-4654-9a2b-27f5eac025da.gif
Go to YouTube and type in "Brazilian Women's Olympic volleyball team practice."
#363
3ada7fc8-36a7-4410-954b-a65fec2212df.gif
They're all speaking Spanish.
#364
4eb4a454-dde8-45ca-ba1a-d3b355898cbf.gif
Is that part of it for you?
#365
b5561037-4e84-48ff-98b6-7b19d00bc793.gif
Portuguese, but yes.
#366
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[chuckles] You guys, you guys, stop.
#367
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I'll just type in "Lauren Boebert, mutual groping vaping in public Beetlejuice."
#368
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Oh, you kinda sexy liar.
#369
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I'm ready.
#370
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[♪ dramatic music playing]
#371
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He's a good kid. I'm proud of him.
#372
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[students laughing]
#373
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[explosion]
#374
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What's everyone laughing about?
#375
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Which one is Derek's locker?
#376
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He can't find his anti-seizure medicine.
#377
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Hey, just so you know, I can eat 50 eggs.
#378
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You already told me that four times!
#379
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Okay. Well, 50 sometimes sounds like 15.
#380
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So, I just wanted to make sure you were properly impressed.
#381
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[scoffs] What are you guys doing here?
#382
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Ain't you all too good for me now?
#383
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Peter, we never felt that way.
#384
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Yeah, we were the ones who wanted you to buy scratchers
#385
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with us in the first place.
#386
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That's why we've come to bail you out.
#387
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Bail me out? Seriously?
#388
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Look, I'm sorry I overreacted, you guys.
#389
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I think I was just frustrated about never actually winning anything.
#390
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Peter, of course you're a winner.
#391
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You've got a beautiful wife, a family who loves you,
#392
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and a bathroom window that's not as frosted as you think.
#393
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And you're white. That's a big one.
#394
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Oh, yeah, my insulated experience of the world always makes me forget that.
#395
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We pooled our last $15 of scratcher winnings to pay your fine.
#396
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- $50? - No, 15.
#397
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Oh. See, this... That's... is the thing that I was saying.
#398
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[♪ triumphant music playing]
#399
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Man, you guys are the best.
#400
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I hope you can forgive me for acting so crazy.
#401
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Of course we do, Peter.
#402
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Wait a second. You got me out of jail for only $15
#403
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after I committed a robbery?
#404
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Well, I pulled a few strings.
#405
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Kind of an easy sell to the chief because you're white.
#406
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See, there's that... there's that thing that I was saying.
#407
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Are we for sure in the clear? How's Meg?
#408
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Mom, have you seen Meg?
#409
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Yes, she went to the store.
#410
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Well, I'm sure she's fine.
#411
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- To pick up some ointment... - Uh-oh.
#412
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...for her vagina.
#413
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- [all cheering, celebrating] - Hurray!
#414
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A bit of a journey, but we got there.
#415
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Listen, Stewie. We never should have used your time machine without telling you.
#416
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Chris and I owe you an apology.
#417
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It's fine, Brian.
#418
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At least your heart was in the right place.
#419
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[sighs] Yeah, well, that's the thing, I'm...
#420
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I'm not sure it was.
#421
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You see, Chris, I never should have suggested a do-over on your book report.
#422
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What? Why not?
#423
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Well, I realize now that all the awkward,
#424
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embarrassing, difficult experiences in life
#425
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are exactly what shape people into interesting adults.
#426
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You need these cringy moments because I know you have
#427
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a very interesting future ahead of you.
#428
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Thanks, Brian.
#429
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You know what? Maybe let's put a pin in the hug
#430
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until that book report pistol is back in its holster.
#431
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Eh, that could just be time-travel related, from the re-entry.
#432
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- Re-- Really? - Yeah. You know how you can get
#433
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rando boners on airplanes? It's like that.
#434
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Oh, that's right. The first person it ever happened to was Charles Lindbergh.
#435
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[news announcer] Here's Lucky Lindbergh
#436
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landing in the City of Lights.
#437
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And like all great pilots, he's emerged from the cockpit
#438
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with a Betty Boop beach towel around his waist.
#439
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[in badly dubbed voice] I am perfectly limp, and what the Nazis do
#440
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is an internal matter.
#441
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[♪ upbeat TV show music playing]
#442
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[overexcitedly] What's going on, guys?
#443
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It's me, Corey, with After the "Guy."
#444
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We've only got a minute to break down all the best Guy moments from this week.
#445
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And as always, we're brought to you by too many sponsors.
#446
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Peter, what did you think of the episode?
#447
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Well, Corey, I'd say most of it was freaking sweet,
#448
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just like squeezable Smucker's Jelly, now with a spill-proof top.
#449
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And even if there was a plot hole or two, they're no match for Flex Tape.
#450
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Flex Tape, stick it in the drawer, forget you have it
#451
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and then buy it again three years later.
#452
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Okay, question for Stewie. Who can understand the baby?
#453
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Okay, as I've explained for the last six of these, Corey--
#454
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He... had to leave.
#455
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He's boxing Jake Paul tonight.
#456
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[Mayor Wild West] Closing credits under theme song.
#457
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Is there a way to highlight just the words he has to say?
#458
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[♪ triumphant music playing]
#459