Home » Family Guy » S23E08 — Hard Times at Adam West High

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Season 23, Episode 8 — Hard Times at Adam West High

♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

#1

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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

#2

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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

#3

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

#4

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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

#5

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

#6

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♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

#7

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[all] ♪ He's a family guy ♪

#8

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[♪ cheerful music playing]

#9

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Wow, dinner smells great, Lois. What'd you make?

#10

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Nothing. I just defrosted one of the casseroles Bonnie left

#11

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on our porch after my foot got infected.

#12

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Most of our meals are donated stews born of trauma.

#13

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Well, I had a scary day.

#14

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During my science lab, a whole beaker of chemicals

#15

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almost blew up right in my face.

#16

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Oh, my God!

#17

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Look at this peanut! It's got three peanuts in it!

#18

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Peter, stop bringing snack foods to dinner.

#19

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How was everyone else's day?

#20

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My day was awful!

#21

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I had to give an oral book report in front of my English class,

#22

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but it was right when I... was at full mast.

#23

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Okay, next up is Chris Griffin.

#24

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[groans]

#25

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[grunting]

#26

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[Chris groans]

#27

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My report is on Tom Sawyer.

#28

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A modern-day warrior, mean, mean stride.

#29

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Today's Tom Sawyer, mean, mean pride.

#30

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That is a song by Rush.

#31

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I don't know, man. I googled it, and that's what came up.

#32

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Well, as much as I'd love to sit and hear more

#33

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about my son's public wood show, me and the guys have a tee time.

#34

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A "tee time"? But it's dark out.

#35

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Miniature golf, Lois. And it's gonna be a blast.

#36

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Even more fun than a blow pop.

#37

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I never should have married it.

#38

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Once they say "I do," they don't.

#39

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Ah, man, nothing better than hanging out with my pals on a Tuesday night.

#40

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Hey, why-- How come we always do stuff together on Tuesdays?

#41

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It's when America unloads all its week-old tacos.

#42

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Sure, Congress can push through Taco Tuesday,

#43

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but we can't seem to get decent Medicare reform.

#44

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Those two things are unrelated, Joe.

#45

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Says the shill for Big Taco.

#46

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[kids laughing]

#47

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Should've played through that birthday party.

#48

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They're playing way too slow.

#49

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[kids laughing]

#50

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Could we please have some quiet on the greens?

#51

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[sniffs] Whoa, Chris.

#52

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What's going on? Where are you going?

#53

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I can't take the humiliation.

#54

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I think my only option is to move away forever.

#55

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What? Wait, is this about what happened with your book report?

#56

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The teasing was awful, Brian.

#57

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Even Principal Shepherd got in on it.

#58

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[Principal Shepherd over PA] Chris Griffin,

#59

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please report to [chuckles] woodshop.

#60

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- [all laughing] - Stop it!

#61

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[Principal Shepherd] I'll stop when they stop laughing.

#62

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My approval rating is through the roof, just like Chris Griffin's rod!

#63

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[loud cheering]

#64

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[Principal Shepherd] On a more somber note,

#65

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that kid with the helmet died.

#66

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Chris, you can't just run away from your problems.

#67

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Well, I can't just move on and pretend nothing happened.

#68

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This isn't a school shooting.

#69

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[sighs] Okay, I see you're upset.

#70

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And I wouldn't suggest this if it weren't so serious, but...

#71

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Look, Stewie and I built a time machine.

#72

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You did? How?

#73

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Well, you know, I was always really good at Legos,

#74

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and I think it just kind of snowballed from there.

#75

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You know, if I have any advice, it's keep building, Chris. Keep building.

#76

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Anyway, maybe you and I travel back in time to this morning

#77

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and give you a do-over on your book report.

#78

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That would be amazing.

#79

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Did Rupert come this way?

#80

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Son of a bitch killed his wife and he's blaming an eight-armed man.

#81

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Brian's gonna let me use his time machine to redo my book report.

#82

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Oh, is that right?

#83

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And how exactly is Brian going to do that? Hmm?

#84

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With his time machine?

#85

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Hey, I handed you a wrench.

#86

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Yeah, the wrong wrench. Just stay away from it.

#87

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Hey, guys, you know what might be fun?

#88

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We should all pull our money and buy some scratchers together.

#89

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I love that idea.

#90

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Yeah, it'd be a great way to cap off our Tuesday guys' night.

#91

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Oh, speaking of that, we've got a special on tacos today.

#92

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Let's keep your politics out of this, pal.

#93

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Ah, you guys go ahead.

#94

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I'd rather spend my money on this tightly curled horoscope scroll.

#95

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Suit yourself.

#96

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Here we go. Winning combo.

#97

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[excitedly] Kim Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian...

#98

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[disappointedly] Scott Disick.

#99

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I'll try my favorite, Dignity Dollars.

#100

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Martin Luther King,

#101

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Malcolm X.

#102

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Aw, Jussie Smollett.

#103

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Let me show you how it's done. Give me one of the Bald Bucks.

#104

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Piven...

#105

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Travolta...

#106

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Cage! I'm a winner!

#107

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Awesome! We won $123.

#108

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Split three ways, that's 41 bucks apiece.

#109

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That's fine. I'm happy with my horoscope scroll.

#110

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"Be sure to gamble today

#111

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"with your handicapped, horny and Black friend."

#112

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Pfft. Right that could mean anything.

#113

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"Also, close your search tabs before your big work presentation tomorrow."

#114

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[scoffs] Bunch of mumbo-jumbo.

#115

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As you can see, third quarter sales...

#116

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Uh, sorry about that.

#117

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Yeah. Let me just, uh...

#118

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Okay. I don't know how that...

#119

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Ah, just give me one second here.

#120

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As... As I was saying, third quarter--

#121

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I apologize for the slight, uh...

#122

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A mini-mart scroll warned of this.

#123

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I'll clean out my desk.

#124

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[♪ suspenseful music playing]

#125

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[door creaks open]

#126

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[Stewie breathing deeply]

#127

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I don't know, Brian.

#128

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Stewie said to stay away from the time machine.

#129

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Don't worry about Stewie.

#130

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- Okay, just put in today's date. - [keypad beeping]

#131

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Set the time and go!

#132

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[computerized voice] DNA mismatch.

#133

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Enter secondary voice password

#134

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within 20 seconds to prevent self-destruct.

#135

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Crap! Secondary password?

#136

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Self-destruct?

#137

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Wait, wait, wait. I got this.

#138

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Zac Efron.

#139

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Um, Susan Lucci.

#140

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[hesitating] Dora! Diego! Gold's Gym!

#141

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- Mykonos. - Oh! I know, I know.

#142

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Fabulous. Fab! Totally fab!

#143

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Uh, uh... Go, bitch! Whatever, bitch!

#144

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Love you, bitch!

#145

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Yes, Queen! Yas, Queen?

#146

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Yaaaaas, Queeeeeen!

#147

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[machine activating]

#148

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[zapping]

#149

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Hey. Hey! Hey!

#150

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Did you see that?

#151

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[zapping]

#152

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Check it out, Chris. Welcome to 16 hours ago.

#153

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So, how does it feel to be living in the past?

#154

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Wow! Look how small that tree is

#155

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and how old all those cars look!

#156

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Oh, yeah. There's gonna be a lot of very small differences like that.

#157

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Hold on. I thought we were going to time travel

#158

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to my school, not to our house.

#159

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Oh, yeah, plugged in what was on the tag on my collar.

#160

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That's the only address I know.

#161

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Wait a minute. This could be amazing.

#162

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We got a few hours before your book report.

#163

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And with a day's advantage, we can use that time to bet on sports,

#164

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already knowing the outcome.

#165

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Oh, my gosh, you're right.

#166

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Okay, hang on, hang on, hang on... uh... Ah! Here we go. WNBA.

#167

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There's a Mystic-Sparks game today.

#168

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Remember who won that?

#169

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I don't even know what city they're from.

#170

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- Which one has Caitlin Clark? - I don't know.

#171

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Both of them? Neither?

#172

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Man, she's the best, maybe.

#173

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Hey, Cleveland. You look different.

#174

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Yeah, with my scratcher winnings, I was able to buy $41 of Ozempic.

#175

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Donna thinks I'm starting to look like skinny Jonah Hill.

#176

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And just like Jonah Hill, I can't wait

#177

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to be an aggressively unstable relationship partner.

#178

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I see.

#179

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Must be nice to have money to burn. I wouldn't know.

#180

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Say guys, I forget.

#181

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How many people does it take to make a thing go right?

#182

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[♪ upbeat hip-hop music playing, Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock "It Takes Two"]

#183

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I think you knew the answer.

#184

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Thanks to those lucky scratchers I just bought

#185

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Now That's What I Call Music: Volume 12.

#186

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[smugly] Game, cassette, match.

#187

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Hey, check it out, guys.

#188

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I turned those winning scratchers into a new belt.

#189

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T.J. Maxx was having a sale on everything that's strewn on the floor.

#190

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Great. Seems like everybody's really enjoying their big winnings.

#191

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Uh-uh. You can't wear that shirt because of my therapy.

#192

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I got her right under my pudgy, non-threatening thumb.

#193

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Okay, It's almost time for your English class.

#194

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We just have to head off your past self so you can give the book report instead.

#195

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Sounds good.

#196

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Whoa, I guess if I have anything to say to Derek, I should say it now.

#197

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[shoe shuffling, squeaking]

#198

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I have nothing to say to Derek.

#199

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Oh, here I come.

#200

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Chris! You can't go in there!

#201

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Brian, what are you doing here? [chuckles]

#202

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[gasps] Are you me?

#203

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Look, there's not much time. We're from the future.

#204

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Well, your future, our present.

#205

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Let me stop you right there.

#206

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I'm 100% fine with whatever this is.

#207

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I just go where I'm told.

#208

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Okay, Chris, get in there and make this the flaccid-est report of your life.

#209

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- I won't let you down. - [bell rings]

#210

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[English teacher] Just in time, Chris. You're up.

#211

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[Chris chuckles] Not today, I'm not.

#212

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Hello, peers. This is my report on the book, Tom Sawyer.

#213

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The cover shows a kid painting a fence,

#214

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and inside it is paper, which is made from trees.

#215

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The end.

#216

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Chris, I may have to fail you.

#217

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Well, that's all good, 'cause the only chub in town is the insurance company.

#218

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Kobe!

#219

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Quagmire. I see you're wearing a brown belt today.

#220

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Did you buy another one?

#221

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No. Same belt. Reversible.

#222

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That just blew my damn mind.

#223

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Belts are reversible, men are becoming women,

#224

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I'm kind of getting into it, what's this world coming to?

#225

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Evening, gentlemen. Thought I'd offer some celebratory

#226

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popcorn shrimp for the big scratcher winners.

#227

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Wow, no way! That's the appetizer in commercials

#228

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most likely to fly through the air.

#229

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Any food that's airborne on television is very special.

#230

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Peter. Come on, have some.

#231

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I understood the shrimp to be exclusively for winners.

#232

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Damn it! It's not fair.

#233

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I've got to find a way to have what they have.

#234

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Okay. Suction cups, pulley system, carabiners, rope, ski mask.

#235

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And one last thing.

#236

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A bat.

#237

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- [glass shatters] - [bat clatters]

#238

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[hesitating] I don't understand the crossword ones.

#239

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Well, Chris, probably time to head home.

#240

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And congrats again on a successful, non-turgid book report.

#241

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Please stop saying gross smart words.

#242

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[zapping]

#243

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Uh, hey, is... is there maybe something you guys want to tell me?

#244

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Yeah. Did you know there was a WNBA game yesterday

#245

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between the Mystics and the Sparks?

#246

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Yes, of course. The Mystics crushed the Sparks by 26 points.

#247

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- [both groan] Aw. - Yeah, huge upset.

#248

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Vegas had it all wrong.

#249

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[both groan louder]

#250

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Listen, I know you're probably mad.

#251

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We took the time machine without asking,

#252

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but trust me, there's nothing to worry about.

#253

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You sure about that?

#254

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[♪ dramatic music plays]

#255

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[both scream]

#256

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[slurring] I'm sorry, little guy.

#257

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Mom thinks it'll help the swelling from the burns

#258

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if I put some of your diaper cream on my face.

#259

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[Mayor Wild West] Looks like Brian and Chris kicked up a little more

#260

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than dust on their mosey back in time.

#261

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Now, please consider these fine commercial products.

#262

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Whip sound effect.

#263

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Yeah, he probably wasn't supposed to read that last part.

#264

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- [whip sound effects] - Yeah. There, you see? There it is.

#265

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[♪ somber music playing]

#266

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Holy crap! What happened?

#267

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We... We didn't even see Meg in the past.

#268

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Well, Brian, I would surmise that in the original timeline,

#269

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the laughter at Chris emanating from his classroom created a distraction.

#270

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So by turning her head slightly to investigate, Meg kept her face

#271

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from being directly over the explosion.

#272

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But in a timeline where Chris was unaroused,

#273

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the distracting laughter was absent.

#274

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Come on! Not one bag of pot in any of these things!

#275

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[Stewie] So, with no noise coming from Chris's classroom,

#276

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Meg never turned her head away, ensuring that her face would absorb

#277

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the full brunt of the explosion.

#278

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It's a weird word.

#279

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"Brunt." Such a dumb language.

#280

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I feel horrible.

#281

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We gotta fix this.

#282

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That's exactly what we're going to do.

#283

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Oh, this is bad. Did... Did anything else change?

#284

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One thing. Lois bought Popsicles for Meg

#285

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since that's all she can eat now.

#286

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[silence]

#287

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[slurping noises]

#288

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Mm. So good.

#289

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- What's yours? - Apple.

#290

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Aw, there's apple? I thought that was lime!

#291

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[all slurping]

#292

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But we should... We should go fix

#293

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the Meg-burned-face thing, though... right?

#294

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[sighs, halfheartedly] Yeah, yeah. All right.

#295

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Oh, hey, you guys. I also got ice cream sandwiches for Meg.

#296

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It's a time machine. We can leave whenever we want.

#297

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I mean, we make the schedule.

#298

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Yeah, like, literally.

#299

⇓

Jon Hamm.

#300

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Arnold Palmer.

#301

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The third one's just a mirror.

#302

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Oh, wait a minute.

#303

⇓

Scratcher!

#304

⇓

Peter, it's the middle of the night.

#305

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What the hell are you doing?

#306

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Uh... Uh, having an affair?

#307

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- What? With who? - Uh, you don't know her.

#308

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Her name is...

#309

⇓

Sandy Shoes.

#310

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Peter, are you just looking at stuff in the car and making up lies?

#311

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Lois, that is completely speedometer.

#312

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[sighs] Look, I don't know what any of this is,

#313

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but just don't turn on the bathroom light when you come to bed.

#314

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Okay. Thank you!

#315

⇓

Thank-- Thanks for no more questions.

#316

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- Love you. - [police car siren chirps]

#317

⇓

Mr. Griffin, you're under arrest for--

#318

⇓

I know, I know. How'd you find me?

#319

⇓

The store's security camera caught you checking your height

#320

⇓

against the doorjamb sticker.

#321

⇓

I'm afraid I'm shrinking.

#322

⇓

We're going to measure again at the jail, though, right?

#323

⇓

All right, we're back at the day of Chris's book report.

#324

⇓

To save Meg's face we just have to do two things.

#325

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First, we lock up the Chris

#326

⇓

who successfully gave his report without incident.

#327

⇓

- Flaccid Chris. - Yes. Ew, ew, gross, but yes.

#328

⇓

And then we restore the laughter that will distract Meg

#329

⇓

by releasing the original Chris from the custodial closet.

#330

⇓

Turgid Chris.

#331

⇓

You think you're clever, but you're not clever.

#332

⇓

Look, there's Flaccid Me.

#333

⇓

Happy? Now your crudeness is a whole thing.

#334

⇓

Okay, gonna stop you right there, bud.

#335

⇓

Stewie? Aw, crap. This can't be good.

#336

⇓

Hey, Chris, we're gonna need you to...

#337

⇓

Uh-oh.

#338

⇓

Stewie, we've got a problem.

#339

⇓

- What? What's wrong? - It seems that given

#340

⇓

even a few minutes alone in a locked closet,

#341

⇓

Chris, uh...

#342

⇓

took matters into his own hands.

#343

⇓

- What? - Yeah, he's in there sleeping

#344

⇓

and muttering about Lola Bunny from Space Jam.

#345

⇓

- Who's that? - A smoking hot rabbit.

#346

⇓

Okay? I didn't get it when you said it, but now I get it.

#347

⇓

- So what do we do now? - Don't worry. I've got this.

#348

⇓

Chris, your book report is back on,

#349

⇓

but this time, you've got to do it at full mast.

#350

⇓

Yeah, one small issue with that.

#351

⇓

During the time you two were yakking about how the me in the closet

#352

⇓

just masturbated... I, too, masturbated.

#353

⇓

- What? - Oh for God's sake!

#354

⇓

Damn it! We're running out of time to save Meg.

#355

⇓

Chris, we've got less than one minute to get you aroused.

#356

⇓

Um... okay.

#357

⇓

Close your eyes. You're a 19th century heiress

#358

⇓

alone in her vast estate and awaiting a visit

#359

⇓

from the handsome vicar as her dear aunt has recently passed from consumption.

#360

⇓

Yeah, that... that's... nothing.

#361

⇓

[sighs] Well, I'm not proud of what I'm about to say here, but...

#362

⇓

Go to YouTube and type in "Brazilian Women's Olympic volleyball team practice."

#363

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They're all speaking Spanish.

#364

⇓

Is that part of it for you?

#365

⇓

Portuguese, but yes.

#366

⇓

[chuckles] You guys, you guys, stop.

#367

⇓

I'll just type in "Lauren Boebert, mutual groping vaping in public Beetlejuice."

#368

⇓

Oh, you kinda sexy liar.

#369

⇓

I'm ready.

#370

⇓

[♪ dramatic music playing]

#371

⇓

He's a good kid. I'm proud of him.

#372

⇓

[students laughing]

#373

⇓

[explosion]

#374

⇓

What's everyone laughing about?

#375

⇓

Which one is Derek's locker?

#376

⇓

He can't find his anti-seizure medicine.

#377

⇓

Hey, just so you know, I can eat 50 eggs.

#378

⇓

You already told me that four times!

#379

⇓

Okay. Well, 50 sometimes sounds like 15.

#380

⇓

So, I just wanted to make sure you were properly impressed.

#381

⇓

[scoffs] What are you guys doing here?

#382

⇓

Ain't you all too good for me now?

#383

⇓

Peter, we never felt that way.

#384

⇓

Yeah, we were the ones who wanted you to buy scratchers

#385

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with us in the first place.

#386

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That's why we've come to bail you out.

#387

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Bail me out? Seriously?

#388

⇓

Look, I'm sorry I overreacted, you guys.

#389

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I think I was just frustrated about never actually winning anything.

#390

⇓

Peter, of course you're a winner.

#391

⇓

You've got a beautiful wife, a family who loves you,

#392

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and a bathroom window that's not as frosted as you think.

#393

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And you're white. That's a big one.

#394

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Oh, yeah, my insulated experience of the world always makes me forget that.

#395

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We pooled our last $15 of scratcher winnings to pay your fine.

#396

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- $50? - No, 15.

#397

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Oh. See, this... That's... is the thing that I was saying.

#398

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[♪ triumphant music playing]

#399

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Man, you guys are the best.

#400

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I hope you can forgive me for acting so crazy.

#401

⇓

Of course we do, Peter.

#402

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Wait a second. You got me out of jail for only $15

#403

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after I committed a robbery?

#404

⇓

Well, I pulled a few strings.

#405

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Kind of an easy sell to the chief because you're white.

#406

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See, there's that... there's that thing that I was saying.

#407

⇓

Are we for sure in the clear? How's Meg?

#408

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Mom, have you seen Meg?

#409

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Yes, she went to the store.

#410

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Well, I'm sure she's fine.

#411

⇓

- To pick up some ointment... - Uh-oh.

#412

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...for her vagina.

#413

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- [all cheering, celebrating] - Hurray!

#414

⇓

A bit of a journey, but we got there.

#415

⇓

Listen, Stewie. We never should have used your time machine without telling you.

#416

⇓

Chris and I owe you an apology.

#417

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It's fine, Brian.

#418

⇓

At least your heart was in the right place.

#419

⇓

[sighs] Yeah, well, that's the thing, I'm...

#420

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I'm not sure it was.

#421

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You see, Chris, I never should have suggested a do-over on your book report.

#422

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What? Why not?

#423

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Well, I realize now that all the awkward,

#424

⇓

embarrassing, difficult experiences in life

#425

⇓

are exactly what shape people into interesting adults.

#426

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You need these cringy moments because I know you have

#427

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a very interesting future ahead of you.

#428

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Thanks, Brian.

#429

⇓

You know what? Maybe let's put a pin in the hug

#430

⇓

until that book report pistol is back in its holster.

#431

⇓

Eh, that could just be time-travel related, from the re-entry.

#432

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- Re-- Really? - Yeah. You know how you can get

#433

⇓

rando boners on airplanes? It's like that.

#434

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Oh, that's right. The first person it ever happened to was Charles Lindbergh.

#435

⇓

[news announcer] Here's Lucky Lindbergh

#436

⇓

landing in the City of Lights.

#437

⇓

And like all great pilots, he's emerged from the cockpit

#438

⇓

with a Betty Boop beach towel around his waist.

#439

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[in badly dubbed voice] I am perfectly limp, and what the Nazis do

#440

⇓

is an internal matter.

#441

⇓

[♪ upbeat TV show music playing]

#442

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[overexcitedly] What's going on, guys?

#443

⇓

It's me, Corey, with After the "Guy."

#444

⇓

We've only got a minute to break down all the best Guy moments from this week.

#445

⇓

And as always, we're brought to you by too many sponsors.

#446

⇓

Peter, what did you think of the episode?

#447

⇓

Well, Corey, I'd say most of it was freaking sweet,

#448

⇓

just like squeezable Smucker's Jelly, now with a spill-proof top.

#449

⇓

And even if there was a plot hole or two, they're no match for Flex Tape.

#450

⇓

Flex Tape, stick it in the drawer, forget you have it

#451

⇓

and then buy it again three years later.

#452

⇓

Okay, question for Stewie. Who can understand the baby?

#453

⇓

Okay, as I've explained for the last six of these, Corey--

#454

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He... had to leave.

#455

⇓

He's boxing Jake Paul tonight.

#456

⇓

[Mayor Wild West] Closing credits under theme song.

#457

⇓

Is there a way to highlight just the words he has to say?

#458

⇓

[♪ triumphant music playing]

#459

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