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Home » Family Guy » S23E08 — Hard Times at Adam West High

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 8 — Hard Times at Adam West High

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♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

movies seems seems-today today violence

↓

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

fashioned fashioned-values values

↓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

rely used

↓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

family lucky

↓

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

lucky positively

↓

♪ All the things that make us ♪

↓

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

laugh

↓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy ♪

family

↓

Okay, next up is Chris Griffin.

chris chris-griffin griffin

↓

[groans]

groans

↓

[grunting]

grunting

↓

[Chris groans]

chris groans

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My report is on Tom Sawyer.

report

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A modern-day warrior, mean, mean stride.

modern stride warrior

↓

Today's Tom Sawyer, mean, mean pride.

pride todays

↓

That is a song by Rush.

rush song

↓

I don't know, man. I googled it, and that's what came up.

googled

↓

I never should have married it.

married

↓

Once they say "I do," they don't.

↓

[kids laughing]

kids laughing

↓

Should've played through that birthday party.

birthday birthday-party party played shouldve

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They're playing way too slow.

playing slow

↓

[kids laughing]

kids laughing

↓

Could we please have some quiet on the greens?

quiet

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[sniffs] Whoa, Chris.

chris sniffs whoa

↓

What's going on? Where are you going?

↓

What? Wait, is this about what happened with your book report?

book book-report happened report

↓

The teasing was awful, Brian.

awful brian teasing

↓

Even Principal Shepherd got in on it.

principal principal-shepherd shepherd

↓

[Principal Shepherd over PA] Chris Griffin,

chris chris-griffin griffin principal principal-shepherd shepherd

↓

please report to [chuckles] woodshop.

chuckles report

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- [all laughing] - Stop it!

laughing

↓

[Principal Shepherd] I'll stop when they stop laughing.

laughing principal principal-shepherd shepherd

↓

My approval rating is through the roof, just like Chris Griffin's rod!

approval chris griffins rating roof

↓

[loud cheering]

cheering loud

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[Principal Shepherd] On a more somber note,

note principal principal-shepherd shepherd somber

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that kid with the helmet died.

died helmet

↓

Brian's gonna let me use his time machine to redo my book report.

book book-report brians machine report

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Oh, is that right?

↓

And how exactly is Brian going to do that? Hmm?

brian

↓

With his time machine?

machine

↓

Hey, I handed you a wrench.

handed wrench

↓

Yeah, the wrong wrench. Just stay away from it.

wrench

↓

I love that idea.

idea love

↓

Yeah, it'd be a great way to cap off our Tuesday guys' night.

night tuesday

↓

Oh, speaking of that, we've got a special on tacos today.

speaking special tacos today

↓

Let's keep your politics out of this, pal.

politics

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Ah, you guys go ahead.

ahead go-ahead

↓

I'd rather spend my money on this tightly curled horoscope scroll.

curled money scroll spend tightly

↓

Suit yourself.

suit

↓

Here we go. Winning combo.

combo winning

↓

[excitedly] Kim Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian...

excitedly

↓

[disappointedly] Scott Disick.

scott

↓

I'll try my favorite, Dignity Dollars.

dignity dollars favorite

↓

Martin Luther King,

king luther luther-king martin martin-luther martin-luther-king

↓

Malcolm X.

malcolm

↓

Aw, Jussie Smollett.

↓

Let me show you how it's done. Give me one of the Bald Bucks.

bald bucks

↓

Piven...

↓

Travolta...

↓

Cage! I'm a winner!

cage winner

↓

Awesome! We won $123.

awesome

↓

Split three ways, that's 41 bucks apiece.

bucks split three ways

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That's fine. I'm happy with my horoscope scroll.

happy scroll

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"Be sure to gamble today

gamble today

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"with your handicapped, horny and Black friend."

black black-friend friend handicapped horny

↓

Pfft. Right that could mean anything.

pfft

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"Also, close your search tabs before your big work presentation tomorrow."

close presentation search tabs tomorrow

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[scoffs] Bunch of mumbo-jumbo.

bunch jumbo scoffs

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As you can see, third quarter sales...

quarter sales third

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Uh, sorry about that.

↓

Yeah. Let me just, uh...

↓

Okay. I don't know how that...

↓

Ah, just give me one second here.

second

↓

As... As I was saying, third quarter--

quarter third

↓

I apologize for the slight, uh...

apologize slight

↓

A mini-mart scroll warned of this.

mart mini scroll warned

↓

I'll clean out my desk.

clean desk

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[♪ suspenseful music playing]

music music-playing playing suspenseful suspenseful-music suspenseful-music-playing

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[door creaks open]

creaks door door-creaks open

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[Stewie breathing deeply]

breathing deeply stewie

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I don't know, Brian.

brian

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Stewie said to stay away from the time machine.

machine stewie

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Don't worry about Stewie.

stewie worry

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- Okay, just put in today's date. - [keypad beeping]

beeping date todays

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Set the time and go!

↓

[computerized voice] DNA mismatch.

voice

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Enter secondary voice password

enter password secondary voice

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within 20 seconds to prevent self-destruct.

prevent seconds self

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Crap! Secondary password?

password secondary

↓

Self-destruct?

self

↓

Wait, wait, wait. I got this.

↓

Zac Efron.

↓

Um, Susan Lucci.

susan

↓

[hesitating] Dora! Diego! Gold's Gym!

diego

↓

- Mykonos. - Oh! I know, I know.

↓

Fabulous. Fab! Totally fab!

fabulous

↓

Uh, uh... Go, bitch! Whatever, bitch!

bitch

↓

Love you, bitch!

bitch love

↓

Yes, Queen! Yas, Queen?

queen

↓

Yaaaaas, Queeeeeen!

↓

[machine activating]

machine

↓

[zapping]

zapping

↓

Hey. Hey! Hey!

↓

Did you see that?

↓

[zapping]

zapping

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Check it out, Chris. Welcome to 16 hours ago.

check chris hours welcome

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So, how does it feel to be living in the past?

living past

↓

Wow! Look how small that tree is

tree

↓

and how old all those cars look!

cars

↓

Oh, yeah. There's gonna be a lot of very small differences like that.

differences

↓

Hold on. I thought we were going to time travel

travel

↓

to my school, not to our house.

house school

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Oh, yeah, plugged in what was on the tag on my collar.

collar plugged

↓

That's the only address I know.

address

↓

Wait a minute. This could be amazing.

amazing minute

↓

We got a few hours before your book report.

book book-report hours report

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And with a day's advantage, we can use that time to bet on sports,

advantage days sports

↓

already knowing the outcome.

knowing outcome

↓

Oh, my gosh, you're right.

gosh

↓

Okay, hang on, hang on, hang on... uh... Ah! Here we go. WNBA.

hang wnba

↓

There's a Mystic-Sparks game today.

game sparks today

↓

Remember who won that?

remember

↓

I don't even know what city they're from.

city

↓

- Which one has Caitlin Clark? - I don't know.

clark

↓

Both of them? Neither?

↓

Man, she's the best, maybe.

best

↓

Hey, Cleveland. You look different.

cleveland

↓

Yeah, with my scratcher winnings, I was able to buy $41 of Ozempic.

able scratcher winnings

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Donna thinks I'm starting to look like skinny Jonah Hill.

donna hill jonah skinny starting thinks

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And just like Jonah Hill, I can't wait

hill jonah

↓

to be an aggressively unstable relationship partner.

aggressively partner relationship unstable

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I see.

↓

Must be nice to have money to burn. I wouldn't know.

burn money must

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Say guys, I forget.

forget

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How many people does it take to make a thing go right?

↓

[♪ upbeat hip-hop music playing, Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock "It Takes Two"]

base music music-playing playing rock takes upbeat

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I think you knew the answer.

answer

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Thanks to those lucky scratchers I just bought

bought lucky thanks

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Now That's What I Call Music: Volume 12.

music volume

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[smugly] Game, cassette, match.

cassette game match

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Hey, check it out, guys.

check

↓

I turned those winning scratchers into a new belt.

belt turned winning

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T.J. Maxx was having a sale on everything that's strewn on the floor.

floor having sale

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Great. Seems like everybody's really enjoying their big winnings.

enjoying everybodys seems winnings

↓

Uh-uh. You can't wear that shirt because of my therapy.

shirt therapy wear

↓

I got her right under my pudgy, non-threatening thumb.

threatening thumb

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Okay, It's almost time for your English class.

class english

↓

We just have to head off your past self so you can give the book report instead.

book book-report head past report self

↓

Sounds good.

sounds

↓

Whoa, I guess if I have anything to say to Derek, I should say it now.

derek whoa

↓

[shoe shuffling, squeaking]

shoe squeaking

↓

I have nothing to say to Derek.

derek

↓

Oh, here I come.

↓

Chris! You can't go in there!

chris

↓

Brian, what are you doing here? [chuckles]

brian chuckles

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[gasps] Are you me?

gasps

↓

Look, there's not much time. We're from the future.

future

↓

Well, your future, our present.

future present

↓

Let me stop you right there.

↓

I'm 100% fine with whatever this is.

↓

I just go where I'm told.

↓

Okay, Chris, get in there and make this the flaccid-est report of your life.

chris flaccid life report

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- I won't let you down. - [bell rings]

bell bell-rings rings

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[English teacher] Just in time, Chris. You're up.

chris english teacher

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[Chris chuckles] Not today, I'm not.

chris chuckles today

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Hello, peers. This is my report on the book, Tom Sawyer.

book peers report

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The cover shows a kid painting a fence,

cover fence painting shows

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and inside it is paper, which is made from trees.

paper trees

↓

The end.

↓

Chris, I may have to fail you.

chris fail

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Well, that's all good, 'cause the only chub in town is the insurance company.

company insurance insurance-company town

↓

Kobe!

kobe

↓

Quagmire. I see you're wearing a brown belt today.

belt brown quagmire today wearing

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Did you buy another one?

another

↓

No. Same belt. Reversible.

belt

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That just blew my damn mind.

blew mind

↓

Belts are reversible, men are becoming women,

becoming belts women

↓

I'm kind of getting into it, what's this world coming to?

coming world

↓

Evening, gentlemen. Thought I'd offer some celebratory

celebratory evening gentlemen offer

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popcorn shrimp for the big scratcher winners.

popcorn scratcher shrimp winners

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Wow, no way! That's the appetizer in commercials

appetizer commercials

↓

most likely to fly through the air.

likely

↓

Any food that's airborne on television is very special.

food special television

↓

Peter. Come on, have some.

peter

↓

I understood the shrimp to be exclusively for winners.

shrimp understood winners

↓

Damn it! It's not fair.

fair

↓

I've got to find a way to have what they have.

↓

Okay. Suction cups, pulley system, carabiners, rope, ski mask.

cups mask rope suction system

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And one last thing.

↓

A bat.

↓

- [glass shatters] - [bat clatters]

clatters glass glass-shatters shatters

↓

[hesitating] I don't understand the crossword ones.

crossword ones

↓

Well, Chris, probably time to head home.

chris head head-home home

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And congrats again on a successful, non-turgid book report.

book book-report congrats report successful

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Please stop saying gross smart words.

gross smart words

↓

[zapping]

zapping

↓

Uh, hey, is... is there maybe something you guys want to tell me?

↓

Yeah. Did you know there was a WNBA game yesterday

game wnba yesterday

↓

between the Mystics and the Sparks?

sparks

↓

Yes, of course. The Mystics crushed the Sparks by 26 points.

course crushed points sparks

↓

- [both groan] Aw. - Yeah, huge upset.

groan huge upset

↓

Vegas had it all wrong.

vegas

↓

[both groan louder]

groan louder

↓

Listen, I know you're probably mad.

↓

We took the time machine without asking,

asking machine

↓

but trust me, there's nothing to worry about.

trust worry

↓

You sure about that?

↓

[♪ dramatic music plays]

dramatic dramatic-music music music-plays plays

↓

[both scream]

scream

↓

[slurring] I'm sorry, little guy.

slurring

↓

Mom thinks it'll help the swelling from the burns

burns itll swelling thinks

↓

if I put some of your diaper cream on my face.

cream diaper face

↓

[Mayor Wild West] Looks like Brian and Chris kicked up a little more

brian chris kicked mayor mayor-wild west wild wild-west

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than dust on their mosey back in time.

dust

↓

Now, please consider these fine commercial products.

commercial consider products

↓

Whip sound effect.

effect sound whip

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Yeah, he probably wasn't supposed to read that last part.

part read supposed

↓

- [whip sound effects] - Yeah. There, you see? There it is.

effects sound sound-effects whip

↓

[♪ somber music playing]

music music-playing playing somber somber-music somber-music-playing

↓

Holy crap! What happened?

happened holy

↓

We... We didn't even see Meg in the past.

past

↓

Well, Brian, I would surmise that in the original timeline,

brian original timeline

↓

the laughter at Chris emanating from his classroom created a distraction.

chris classroom created distraction emanating laughter

↓

So by turning her head slightly to investigate, Meg kept her face

face head investigate slightly turning

↓

from being directly over the explosion.

directly explosion

↓

But in a timeline where Chris was unaroused,

chris timeline

↓

the distracting laughter was absent.

absent distracting laughter

↓

Come on! Not one bag of pot in any of these things!

↓

[Stewie] So, with no noise coming from Chris's classroom,

classroom coming noise stewie

↓

Meg never turned her head away, ensuring that her face would absorb

face head turned

↓

the full brunt of the explosion.

brunt explosion full

↓

It's a weird word.

weird word

↓

"Brunt." Such a dumb language.

brunt dumb language

↓

I feel horrible.

horrible

↓

We gotta fix this.

↓

That's exactly what we're going to do.

↓

Oh, this is bad. Did... Did anything else change?

change

↓

One thing. Lois bought Popsicles for Meg

bought lois popsicles

↓

since that's all she can eat now.

↓

[silence]

silence

↓

[slurping noises]

noises slurping

↓

Mm. So good.

↓

- What's yours? - Apple.

apple

↓

Aw, there's apple? I thought that was lime!

apple lime

↓

[all slurping]

slurping

↓

But we should... We should go fix

↓

the Meg-burned-face thing, though... right?

burned face

↓

[sighs, halfheartedly] Yeah, yeah. All right.

sighs

↓

Oh, hey, you guys. I also got ice cream sandwiches for Meg.

cream sandwiches

↓

It's a time machine. We can leave whenever we want.

machine

↓

I mean, we make the schedule.

schedule

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Yeah, like, literally.

↓

Jon Hamm.

↓

Arnold Palmer.

arnold arnold-palmer palmer

↓

The third one's just a mirror.

mirror ones third

↓

Oh, wait a minute.

minute

↓

Scratcher!

scratcher

↓

Peter, it's the middle of the night.

middle night peter

↓

What the hell are you doing?

↓

Uh... Uh, having an affair?

affair having

↓

- What? With who? - Uh, you don't know her.

↓

Her name is...

name

↓

Sandy Shoes.

sandy shoes

↓

Peter, are you just looking at stuff in the car and making up lies?

lies looking peter stuff

↓

Lois, that is completely speedometer.

completely lois

↓

[sighs] Look, I don't know what any of this is,

sighs

↓

but just don't turn on the bathroom light when you come to bed.

bathroom light

↓

Okay. Thank you!

↓

Thank-- Thanks for no more questions.

questions thanks

↓

- Love you. - [police car siren chirps]

love police siren

↓

Mr. Griffin, you're under arrest for--

arrest griffin

↓

I know, I know. How'd you find me?

howd

↓

The store's security camera caught you checking your height

camera caught checking height security stores

↓

against the doorjamb sticker.

sticker

↓

I'm afraid I'm shrinking.

afraid shrinking

↓

We're going to measure again at the jail, though, right?

jail measure

↓

All right, we're back at the day of Chris's book report.

book book-report report

↓

To save Meg's face we just have to do two things.

face megs save

↓

First, we lock up the Chris

chris lock

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who successfully gave his report without incident.

incident report successfully

↓

- Flaccid Chris. - Yes. Ew, ew, gross, but yes.

chris flaccid gross

↓

And then we restore the laughter that will distract Meg

distract laughter restore

↓

by releasing the original Chris from the custodial closet.

chris closet original releasing

↓

Turgid Chris.

chris

↓

You think you're clever, but you're not clever.

clever

↓

Look, there's Flaccid Me.

flaccid

↓

Happy? Now your crudeness is a whole thing.

happy whole

↓

Okay, gonna stop you right there, bud.

↓

Stewie? Aw, crap. This can't be good.

stewie

↓

Hey, Chris, we're gonna need you to...

chris

↓

Uh-oh.

↓

Stewie, we've got a problem.

problem stewie

↓

- What? What's wrong? - It seems that given

given seems

↓

even a few minutes alone in a locked closet,

alone closet locked minutes minutes-alone

↓

Chris, uh...

chris

↓

took matters into his own hands.

hands matters

↓

- What? - Yeah, he's in there sleeping

sleeping

↓

and muttering about Lola Bunny from Space Jam.

bunny muttering space

↓

- Who's that? - A smoking hot rabbit.

rabbit smoking

↓

Okay? I didn't get it when you said it, but now I get it.

↓

- So what do we do now? - Don't worry. I've got this.

worry

↓

Chris, your book report is back on,

book book-report chris report

↓

but this time, you've got to do it at full mast.

full

↓

Yeah, one small issue with that.

issue

↓

During the time you two were yakking about how the me in the closet

closet

↓

just masturbated... I, too, masturbated.

↓

- What? - Oh for God's sake!

gods gods-sake sake

↓

Damn it! We're running out of time to save Meg.

running save

↓

Chris, we've got less than one minute to get you aroused.

aroused chris less minute

↓

Um... okay.

↓

Close your eyes. You're a 19th century heiress

century close eyes

↓

alone in her vast estate and awaiting a visit

alone estate vast visit

↓

from the handsome vicar as her dear aunt has recently passed from consumption.

aunt dear handsome passed recently

↓

Yeah, that... that's... nothing.

↓

[sighs] Well, I'm not proud of what I'm about to say here, but...

proud sighs

↓

Go to YouTube and type in "Brazilian Women's Olympic volleyball team practice."

olympic practice team type volleyball volleyball-team womens youtube

↓

They're all speaking Spanish.

spanish speaking speaking-spanish

↓

Is that part of it for you?

part

↓

Portuguese, but yes.

↓

[chuckles] You guys, you guys, stop.

chuckles

↓

I'll just type in "Lauren Boebert, mutual groping vaping in public Beetlejuice."

groping lauren mutual public type

↓

Oh, you kinda sexy liar.

kinda liar sexy

↓

I'm ready.

ready

↓

[♪ dramatic music playing]

dramatic dramatic-music dramatic-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

He's a good kid. I'm proud of him.

proud

↓

[students laughing]

laughing students

↓

[explosion]

explosion

↓

What's everyone laughing about?

laughing

↓

Which one is Derek's locker?

locker

↓

He can't find his anti-seizure medicine.

anti medicine seizure

↓

Hey, just so you know, I can eat 50 eggs.

eggs

↓

You already told me that four times!

four four-times times

↓

Okay. Well, 50 sometimes sounds like 15.

sometimes sounds

↓

So, I just wanted to make sure you were properly impressed.

impressed properly wanted

↓

[scoffs] What are you guys doing here?

scoffs

↓

Ain't you all too good for me now?

aint

↓

Peter, we never felt that way.

peter

↓

Yeah, we were the ones who wanted you to buy scratchers

ones wanted

↓

with us in the first place.

place

↓

That's why we've come to bail you out.

bail

↓

Bail me out? Seriously?

bail

↓

Look, I'm sorry I overreacted, you guys.

overreacted

↓

I think I was just frustrated about never actually winning anything.

frustrated winning

↓

Peter, of course you're a winner.

course peter winner

↓

You've got a beautiful wife, a family who loves you,

family loves wife

↓

and a bathroom window that's not as frosted as you think.

bathroom frosted window

↓

And you're white. That's a big one.

white

↓

Oh, yeah, my insulated experience of the world always makes me forget that.

experience forget makes world

↓

We pooled our last $15 of scratcher winnings to pay your fine.

scratcher winnings

↓

- $50? - No, 15.

↓

Oh. See, this... That's... is the thing that I was saying.

↓

[♪ triumphant music playing]

music music-playing playing triumphant triumphant-music triumphant-music-playing

↓

Man, you guys are the best.

best

↓

I hope you can forgive me for acting so crazy.

acting crazy forgive hope

↓

Of course we do, Peter.

course peter

↓

Wait a second. You got me out of jail for only $15

jail second

↓

after I committed a robbery?

committed robbery

↓

Well, I pulled a few strings.

pulled strings

↓

Kind of an easy sell to the chief because you're white.

chief easy sell white

↓

See, there's that... there's that thing that I was saying.

↓

Are we for sure in the clear? How's Meg?

clear

↓

Mom, have you seen Meg?

seen

↓

Yes, she went to the store.

store

↓

Well, I'm sure she's fine.

↓

- To pick up some ointment... - Uh-oh.

ointment pick

↓

...for her vagina.

vagina

↓

- [all cheering, celebrating] - Hurray!

celebrating cheering hurray

↓

A bit of a journey, but we got there.

journey

↓

Listen, Stewie. We never should have used your time machine without telling you.

machine stewie telling used

↓

Chris and I owe you an apology.

apology chris

↓

It's fine, Brian.

brian

↓

At least your heart was in the right place.

heart least place

↓

[sighs] Yeah, well, that's the thing, I'm...

sighs

↓

I'm not sure it was.

↓

You see, Chris, I never should have suggested a do-over on your book report.

book book-report chris report suggested

↓

What? Why not?

↓

Well, I realize now that all the awkward,

awkward realize

↓

embarrassing, difficult experiences in life

difficult embarrassing experiences life

↓

are exactly what shape people into interesting adults.

adults interesting shape

↓

You need these cringy moments because I know you have

moments

↓

a very interesting future ahead of you.

ahead future interesting

↓

Thanks, Brian.

brian thanks

↓

You know what? Maybe let's put a pin in the hug

↓

until that book report pistol is back in its holster.

book book-report holster pistol report

↓

Eh, that could just be time-travel related, from the re-entry.

entry related travel

↓

- Re-- Really? - Yeah. You know how you can get

↓

rando boners on airplanes? It's like that.

boners

↓

Oh, that's right. The first person it ever happened to was Charles Lindbergh.

charles happened person

↓

[news announcer] Here's Lucky Lindbergh

announcer lucky news

↓

landing in the City of Lights.

city landing lights

↓

And like all great pilots, he's emerged from the cockpit

cockpit pilots

↓

with a Betty Boop beach towel around his waist.

beach betty boop towel waist

↓

[in badly dubbed voice] I am perfectly limp, and what the Nazis do

badly limp nazis perfectly voice

↓

is an internal matter.

internal matter

↓

[♪ upbeat TV show music playing]

music music-playing playing upbeat

↓

[overexcitedly] What's going on, guys?

↓

It's me, Corey, with After the "Guy."

corey

↓

We've only got a minute to break down all the best Guy moments from this week.

best break minute moments week

↓

And as always, we're brought to you by too many sponsors.

brought sponsors

↓

Peter, what did you think of the episode?

episode peter

↓

Well, Corey, I'd say most of it was freaking sweet,

corey freaking sweet

↓

Okay, question for Stewie. Who can understand the baby?

baby question stewie

↓

Okay, as I've explained for the last six of these, Corey--

corey explained

↓

He... had to leave.

↓

He's boxing Jake Paul tonight.

boxing jake paul tonight

↓

[Mayor Wild West] Closing credits under theme song.

closing credits mayor mayor-wild song theme theme-song west wild wild-west

↓

Is there a way to highlight just the words he has to say?

highlight words

↓

[♪ triumphant music playing]

music music-playing playing triumphant triumphant-music triumphant-music-playing

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