Home » Family Guy » S23E09 — The Elle Word

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 9 — The Elle Word

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

#1

⇓

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

#1

⇓

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

#1

⇓

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

#2

⇓

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

#2

⇓

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

#2

⇓

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

#3

⇓

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

#3

⇓

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

#3

⇓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

#4

⇓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

#4

⇓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

#4

⇓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

#5

⇓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

#5

⇓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

#5

⇓

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

#6

⇓

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

#6

⇓

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

#6

⇓

♪ All the things that make us ♪

#7

⇓

♪ All the things that make us ♪

#7

⇓

♪ All the things that make us ♪

#7

⇓

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

#8

⇓

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

#8

⇓

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

#8

⇓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

#9

⇓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

#9

⇓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

#9

⇓

Ah, the last small sip of beer, always terrible.

#10

⇓

Ah, the last small sip of beer, always terrible.

#10

⇓

Ah, the last small sip of beer, always terrible.

#10

⇓

Hey, I'll catch you guys later, I'm heading out.

#11

⇓

Hey, I'll catch you guys later, I'm heading out.

#11

⇓

Hey, I'll catch you guys later, I'm heading out.

#11

⇓

Leaving early on a Saturday?

#12

⇓

Leaving early on a Saturday?

#12

⇓

Leaving early on a Saturday?

#12

⇓

I think someone has a lady friend, huh?

#13

⇓

I think someone has a lady friend, huh?

#13

⇓

I think someone has a lady friend, huh?

#13

⇓

Huh?

#14

⇓

Huh?

#14

⇓

Huh?

#14

⇓

- Huh? - Ow! My dormant tricep!

#15

⇓

- Huh? - Ow! My dormant tricep!

#15

⇓

- Huh? - Ow! My dormant tricep!

#15

⇓

There's no girl. I, I...

#16

⇓

There's no girl. I, I...

#16

⇓

There's no girl. I, I...

#16

⇓

I just like watching the classic SNL that comes on before the new SNL.

#17

⇓

I just like watching the classic SNL that comes on before the new SNL.

#17

⇓

I just like watching the classic SNL that comes on before the new SNL.

#17

⇓

And tonight, the classic SNL is...

#18

⇓

And tonight, the classic SNL is...

#18

⇓

And tonight, the classic SNL is...

#18

⇓

Deion Sanders with musical guest Deion Sanders? No, that can't be right.

#19

⇓

Deion Sanders with musical guest Deion Sanders? No, that can't be right.

#19

⇓

Deion Sanders with musical guest Deion Sanders? No, that can't be right.

#19

⇓

Sadly, it is right.

#20

⇓

Sadly, it is right.

#20

⇓

Sadly, it is right.

#20

⇓

He sang songs from his album, Prime Time.

#21

⇓

He sang songs from his album, Prime Time.

#21

⇓

He sang songs from his album, Prime Time.

#21

⇓

Come on, Quagmire, tell us who the girl is.

#22

⇓

Come on, Quagmire, tell us who the girl is.

#22

⇓

You're the only one of us who can date.

#23

⇓

You're the only one of us who can date.

#23

⇓

We live bi-curiously through you.

#24

⇓

We live bi-curiously through you.

#24

⇓

Yeah. That's our penis.

#25

⇓

Yeah. That's our penis.

#25

⇓

Sorry, guys, but this one's top secret.

#26

⇓

Sorry, guys, but this one's top secret.

#26

⇓

Forgot that a homeless guy sits out front.

#27

⇓

Forgot that a homeless guy sits out front.

#27

⇓

He's very yelly tonight.

#28

⇓

He's very yelly tonight.

#28

⇓

Huh, it's not like Quagmire to hold out on us.

#29

⇓

There must be a reason.

#30

⇓

Yeah, we got ourselves quite a mystery.

#31

⇓

Could even be an episode of Murder She Wrote

#32

⇓

with Angela Lansbury and Paul McCartney.

#33

⇓

Well, she's dead.

#34

⇓

She sure is, Paul.

#35

⇓

You're Paul. I'm Angela.

#36

⇓

And one of us either looks like an old woman or an old man.

#37

⇓

That's the real mystery.

#38

⇓

Is James Corden nice?

#39

⇓

Not really, no.

#40

⇓

Okay, Brian, I'll crack a window so you can wait in the car.

#41

⇓

Ha! You can't come in 'cause you're a freakin' dog!

#42

⇓

Come on, you can't leave me here. It's inhumane!

#43

⇓

Sorry, those are the rules.

#44

⇓

They only let in humans and squirrels.

#45

⇓

- What? - I'm just kidding.

#46

⇓

Bye, babe. [blows kisses]

#47

⇓

Alright, Stewie, hold my hand while I get our reusable bags from the trunk.

#48

⇓

Calm down. Where am I gonna run? The market?

#49

⇓

It's not like it's mango season.

#50

⇓

- [bell dings] - [gasps]

#51

⇓

The mango bell?

#52

⇓

[man over PA] Attention shoppers, mangos will be ripe

#53

⇓

for the next two-and-a-half minutes.

#54

⇓

[crowd clamoring]

#55

⇓

- I've gotta get in there! - [gasps]

#56

⇓

- [tires screeching] - [gasps]

#57

⇓

Wow, that was close.

#58

⇓

I've never killed someone outside the hospital.

#59

⇓

Oh my God, Stewie!

#60

⇓

You could have been run over!

#61

⇓

Sorry, I was texting while driving.

#62

⇓

Unfortunately, your husband derd.

#63

⇓

Whoops, oh no, I meant...

#64

⇓

Ah, she haha'd it.

#65

⇓

Yeah, she's a good sport.

#66

⇓

Okay, Quagmire said he can't go to the Clam tonight,

#67

⇓

so I bet he's meeting that mystery woman again.

#68

⇓

Yep, now, I know you fellas haven't been on a stakeout before,

#69

⇓

but I've been on a ton of them.

#70

⇓

So, I just want to mentally prepare you for how long these things...

#71

⇓

Oop, there he is.

#72

⇓

[car starts]

#73

⇓

Alright, let's tail him.

#74

⇓

And this high-speed adventure calls for a classic action movie theme!

#75

⇓

♪ I'm romancing the stone ♪

#76

⇓

What is this?

#77

⇓

It's Eddy Grant's theme to Romancing the Stone.

#78

⇓

This is stupid.

#79

⇓

I'm finding another song.

#80

⇓

♪ They do what they want to do, say what they want ♪

#81

⇓

What the hell is this?

#82

⇓

"Addams Groove" by MC Hammer.

#83

⇓

It's the theme song to The Addams Family movie.

#84

⇓

It went to number four in Ireland.

#85

⇓

And this is better?

#86

⇓

Your guy just keeps saying the name of the movie!

#87

⇓

I'm turning mine up.

#88

⇓

Then I'm turning mine up!

#89

⇓

Will you guys please turn off your terrible theme songs?

#90

⇓

[both] Sorry, Joe.

#91

⇓

Guys, I think Quagmire's getting away.

#92

⇓

Yeah, look, Joe. He's making a right.

#93

⇓

Don't worry, I'm on it.

#94

⇓

I'm running over stuff at The Forum this Sunday.

#95

⇓

You'll pay for the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge.

#96

⇓

Hey, Lois. I'm taking Stewie to the park.

#97

⇓

Come on, Bri, I need a post that will make Lance think I'm outdoorsy.

#98

⇓

Hold on, before you go, I got something.

#99

⇓

Yes! You're gettin' leashed!

#100

⇓

Ah, I'm going to film my reaction in slow-mo.

#101

⇓

It's for Stewie.

#102

⇓

[slow-mo] Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

#103

⇓

After that close call at the store,

#104

⇓

I want to make sure he cannot run away again.

#105

⇓

So, I bought this.

#106

⇓

It's a child harness.

#107

⇓

That's not a harness, it's a leash!

#108

⇓

A harness is something Rupert and I use on my birthday.

#109

⇓

I thought you two also use a leash.

#110

⇓

Well, I guess someone's been listening at the door.

#111

⇓

No, you texted me.

#112

⇓

Well, either way, I demand this be taken off at once!

#113

⇓

Children don't belong in leashes.

#114

⇓

Just like Bill Burr doesn't belong in The Mandalorian.

#115

⇓

I've located the child.

#116

⇓

He's on an Empire ship.

#117

⇓

I'll assemble a strike team.

#118

⇓

I'll jam the ship's radar.

#119

⇓

And I'm gonna go whiz in a Gatorade bottle 'cause I don't trust space toilets.

#120

⇓

Uh, which part of space are you from again?

#121

⇓

[Bill] South space!

#122

⇓

[doorbell rings]

#123

⇓

Quagmire, come on, we tee off in an hour.

#124

⇓

Don't worry, I'll register us online to save time.

#125

⇓

Name? Joe Swanson.

#126

⇓

Handicap? Yes.

#127

⇓

Quagmire, let's go!

#128

⇓

[door creaks open]

#129

⇓

Hey! What the hell are you doing?

#130

⇓

Ooh, he must be with the mystery girl.

#131

⇓

- I bet she's married. - Or famous.

#132

⇓

Oh, my God!

#133

⇓

Quagmire and the Librarian?

#134

⇓

[shushes]

#135

⇓

Quagmire and the Librarian?

#136

⇓

Wow! At the library, I guess Quagmire's been checking out more than just books.

#137

⇓

[laughing]

#138

⇓

Come on, don't encourage him.

#139

⇓

I can't believe it.

#140

⇓

Yeah. And she's got BB-8 underwear.

#141

⇓

Lois said they don't make those!

#142

⇓

Guys, I'd appreciate if you'd leave now.

#143

⇓

Yeah, sure, let me just tie my shoe.

#144

⇓

Peter, is that R2-D2 underwear?

#145

⇓

Yeah, they're old and stupid.

#146

⇓

You and the Librarian.

#147

⇓

I don't get it.

#148

⇓

Yeah, did, like, a bully dare you to invite her to prom

#149

⇓

and then it turned into something more?

#150

⇓

Or, your boss is a family man,

#151

⇓

and you're just pretending to date her to get the big promotion?

#152

⇓

No, there's no '90s movie premise involved!

#153

⇓

See, this is why I didn't want to tell you guys about her.

#154

⇓

I knew you wouldn't understand.

#155

⇓

Then, help us understand, Glenn.

#156

⇓

Show us your world.

#157

⇓

Dammit Peter, you just had chicken wings!

#158

⇓

I just like her, okay.

#159

⇓

She's nice, she's smart.

#160

⇓

And when you ask her where she wants to eat dinner,

#161

⇓

she always has a clear, confident answer.

#162

⇓

- No way! - You lie!

#163

⇓

It's true! And it's nice to date someone where I can relax and be myself.

#164

⇓

I don't even have to hide my moderate-to-severe plaque psoriasis.

#165

⇓

You have plaque psoriasis?

#166

⇓

Well, I did before Skyrizi.

#167

⇓

♪ I can't see me lovin' nobody but you ♪

#168

⇓

♪ For all my life ♪

#169

⇓

[male announcer] Skyrizi may cause general douchery,

#170

⇓

like spinning at weddings and sky hooking paper into trash cans.

#171

⇓

Thanks, Skyrizi!

#172

⇓

Now my elbows are ugly for the same reason as everybody else.

#173

⇓

And that's not even the best thing about her.

#174

⇓

Believe it or not, fellas,

#175

⇓

she's the best I've ever had in bed.

#176

⇓

The Librarian?

#177

⇓

Yeah, she spent the last 30 years sitting at a reference desk,

#178

⇓

reading back issues of Cosmopolitan Magazine.

#179

⇓

That means she's read over four million tips on how to please her lover.

#180

⇓

You know, you guys would like her if you'd just give her a chance.

#181

⇓

I don't know. Us?

#182

⇓

Hang out with a librarian?

#183

⇓

Yeah, I don't think we're a match.

#184

⇓

Like William Wallace and the guy who wouldn't wear face paint.

#185

⇓

They may take our lives,

#186

⇓

but they will never take our...

#187

⇓

Hey, where's your face paint?

#188

⇓

I can no wear it.

#189

⇓

I have the plaque psoriasis.

#190

⇓

Or at least, I did before Skyrizi.

#191

⇓

♪ I can't see me lovin' nobody but you ♪

#192

⇓

Now this is freedom!

#193

⇓

Ugh, this thing is so humiliating.

#194

⇓

Ah, it's not a big deal.

#195

⇓

I'm sure no one will even notice.

#196

⇓

Oh, crap! It's Jake from my gym,

#197

⇓

boxing an MMA mannequin.

#198

⇓

Stewie?

#199

⇓

Uh, hey, Jake. Just, uh, doing some resistance training.

#200

⇓

Heard about it on Rogan.

#201

⇓

Nice. Love Rogan.

#202

⇓

Yes, he's for the vanguard of independent thinkers

#203

⇓

who also have seven hours a day to listen to a shaved ape.

#204

⇓

Okay, Brian, I think I covered nicely there.

#205

⇓

I'm gonna go play.

#206

⇓

Oh! What the hell?

#207

⇓

Uh, looks like we got our leashes tangled.

#208

⇓

Sorry about that. My little guy doesn't always look where he's going.

#209

⇓

Uh, Brian, I think he's trying to establish dominance.

#210

⇓

Ah, he's just being friendly.

#211

⇓

Sir, sir?

#212

⇓

You cannot sniff back there.

#213

⇓

Alright, that's it. Two can play at this game, tough guy.

#214

⇓

[sniffs]

#215

⇓

Wow, you're six.

#216

⇓

[sniffs]

#217

⇓

And from Denver?

#218

⇓

Huh, there's a lot of information in butts.

#219

⇓

I get it now.

#220

⇓

I'm so excited to be here with you guys!

#221

⇓

Okay, good start, shows energy.

#222

⇓

Peter, this isn't a tryout.

#223

⇓

Sorry. So, Elle, uh...

#224

⇓

Hey, what are your arm tattoos?

#225

⇓

Oh, those are my three babies that never came to term.

#226

⇓

Oh, wow. Uh...

#227

⇓

Uh, yeah, maybe, maybe uh...

#228

⇓

maybe you just long sleeve it.

#229

⇓

Or don't say it.

#230

⇓

Yeah, sleeve it or don't say it.

#231

⇓

Oh, I stopped sleeving when I started Skyrizi.

#232

⇓

Enough with Skyrizi!

#233

⇓

Do Taco Bell! At least they're a sponsor!

#234

⇓

So, uh, anyway, on the way here,

#235

⇓

Elle was saying how much she likes beer.

#236

⇓

No, I didn't. I said the library masturbator ruined another atlas.

#237

⇓

Ah!

#238

⇓

Okay, look. This ain't working.

#239

⇓

Elle, we're regular guys.

#240

⇓

You're a librarian, all right?

#241

⇓

I don't know the first thing about libraries,

#242

⇓

except that the atlases are sexy.

#243

⇓

Hell, I only even go to the library for the puppet show 'cause I like King Puppet.

#244

⇓

You mean this puppet?

#245

⇓

[gasps]

#246

⇓

Quagmire, I love her.

#247

⇓

You hit it out of the park.

#248

⇓

Hey, do you know the guy who does Prince Puppet?

#249

⇓

Yes, but the prince is a little shy.

#250

⇓

Oh my God, how is this happening?

#251

⇓

I'm just Peter Griffin!

#252

⇓

Well, Peter may like you.

#253

⇓

But good luck winning over the Joe.

#254

⇓

Aren't you the cop who hid in the library when he heard "shots fired"?

#255

⇓

Never mind, you won the Joe.

#256

⇓

[chuckles] I also believe in essential oils.

#257

⇓

Would anyone like eucalyptus for their nose?

#258

⇓

No, that's stupid.

#259

⇓

Ooh! [chuckles]

#260

⇓

That's nice.

#261

⇓

I can see why women make this crap their whole personality.

#262

⇓

Ah, this is great.

#263

⇓

I'm so glad you guys are getting along.

#264

⇓

We sure are. [gasps]

#265

⇓

And I love this eucalyptus.

#266

⇓

I feel like Koala Peter.

#267

⇓

Hey Mum, I'm gonna pick some of these Tasmanian berries.

#268

⇓

[thuds] Ow! Ow! Ow!

#269

⇓

Oi Crikey! Me peepers!

#270

⇓

I'm meaner than you think.

#271

⇓

[kids chattering]

#272

⇓

Connor, no! No!

#273

⇓

All right, you can sniff the hydrant.

#274

⇓

Aidan, no jumping!

#275

⇓

I said no jumping!

#276

⇓

Ah, never make your hobby your job.

#277

⇓

Ooh, Brian, they have a movie with animals singing!

#278

⇓

Pass. Hi, do you have anything with any of the girls from Euphoria?

#279

⇓

Oh, come on!

#280

⇓

Miley Cyrus plays a sassy giraffe!

#281

⇓

Demi Lovato also plays a sassy giraffe!

#282

⇓

And Halsey plays...

#283

⇓

Oh, you know, I think it's a movie about giraffes.

#284

⇓

Listen, if you're looking to be a creep,

#285

⇓

all I can offer you is Jennifer Connelly in Hot Widow.

#286

⇓

Yeah, that works.

#287

⇓

How dark does the theater get?

#288

⇓

Sir, movie theaters are a failing business,

#289

⇓

you can do whatever you want.

#290

⇓

No! Animals singing!

#291

⇓

Stewie, enough! We're not seeing animals singing!

#292

⇓

Ow! Okay, we'll...

#293

⇓

We'll see yours instead.

#294

⇓

Wow!

#295

⇓

After all this time of putting up with your snide comments

#296

⇓

and domineering attitude, I'm finally in control.

#297

⇓

All right, let's go see my movie!

#298

⇓

Yes, Brian.

#299

⇓

Whatever you want.

#300

⇓

Too late. They just turned this place into pickleball courts.

#301

⇓

- What? - [people clamoring]

#302

⇓

[male announcer] Movie theaters! What a debacle!

#303

⇓

Thanks for bringing Elle the other night. She's really something.

#304

⇓

She sure is.

#305

⇓

I don't get my shirt dry-cleaned for just any date.

#306

⇓

This weekend, I'm asking her to make our relationship official.

#307

⇓

Why don't you just ask her now, when she gets done kissing that other guy?

#308

⇓

[kissing]

#309

⇓

What?

#310

⇓

Elle, what are you doing?

#311

⇓

[chuckles nervously]

#312

⇓

Glenn.

#313

⇓

Hi.

#314

⇓

Well, the top stars of puppetry are often unfaithful.

#315

⇓

You knew the risks.

#316

⇓

God, this is so humiliating.

#317

⇓

Captain Quagmire?

#318

⇓

Nestor? The guy with batons who directs my plane to the gate?

#319

⇓

Oh, God! This is...

#320

⇓

This is even more humiliating!

#321

⇓

Actually, I'm called a "marshaller."

#322

⇓

Yeah, I don't think that's a real term, but I can't believe this.

#323

⇓

Thank God other pilots don't hang out here.

#324

⇓

Glenn Quagmire and the marshaller?

#325

⇓

Okay, I guess that is a term.

#326

⇓

Oh, Glenn. [chuckles nervously]

#327

⇓

I'm sorry to have to tell you like this,

#328

⇓

but I just, I don't think you and I are working out.

#329

⇓

What? Why?

#330

⇓

We get along great!

#331

⇓

I know. [laughs]

#332

⇓

The problem is in bed.

#333

⇓

You've just, you've never given me an orgasm.

#334

⇓

What?

#335

⇓

Calling all cars,

#336

⇓

we have a man ripped to pieces at 42 Maple.

#337

⇓

Heartbroken, guts pulled right out.

#338

⇓

Suspect is a saucy librarian.

#339

⇓

A strangler got away 'cause I was goofin' on the radio.

#340

⇓

Hey, guys.

#341

⇓

Hey, you hear about Glenn Quagmire?

#342

⇓

Can't pleasure a woman.

#343

⇓

Peter, that's me!

#344

⇓

Oh, sorry, I thought I was somewhere else.

#345

⇓

Anyway, we haven't told anyone.

#346

⇓

How ya doin', buddy?

#347

⇓

Well, you know, it was a shock at first, but I'm starting to adjust.

#348

⇓

I've gotten really into running ten Ks, I garden now,

#349

⇓

and I even bought season tickets for the Orioles,

#350

⇓

since that's what guys who can't satisfy women do.

#351

⇓

[car honks]

#352

⇓

- What's that? - My new car.

#353

⇓

I traded in my convertible for a Toyota Yaris.

#354

⇓

Sign here that you're incapable of satisfying a woman.

#355

⇓

[sighs]

#356

⇓

Great, and I'm so sorry, you now own a Yaris.

#357

⇓

- I also got a nice text from Josh Charles. - What?

#358

⇓

When a guy can't please a woman, he gets a text from Josh Charles.

#359

⇓

He's kind of the leader of our community.

#360

⇓

Okay, well, I guess things aren't so bad then.

#361

⇓

Of course they are!

#362

⇓

I hate my life now!

#363

⇓

I can't even be a pilot anymore because the passengers don't respect me.

#364

⇓

Bye now. Thanks for flying.

#365

⇓

Ma'am, can I help you get off?

#366

⇓

Hmm! Not from what I hear.

#367

⇓

[Peter laughs]

#368

⇓

I was also on that flight.

#369

⇓

And then I got a cease and desist order

#370

⇓

from the people who license the word "giggity."

#371

⇓

- What? - It's a standard franchise agreement,

#372

⇓

but apparently it can only be used by men who can satisfy their partners.

#373

⇓

Hey, guys. I'm just gonna trim this overgrown bush.

#374

⇓

Go... Go...

#375

⇓

Oh God, what am I gonna do?

#376

⇓

[crying]

#377

⇓

[phone dings]

#378

⇓

Thanks, Josh.

#379

⇓

[crying hysterically]

#380

⇓

Guys, we have to do something.

#381

⇓

Yeah, we gotta help him get his mojo back.

#382

⇓

Come on, Quagmire, let's get you up.

#383

⇓

Yeah, I hate seeing you like this.

#384

⇓

And I wanna know who the hell has "giggity" right now.

#385

⇓

Giggity!

#386

⇓

You know what? Good for the giggity people.

#387

⇓

Embracing change.

#388

⇓

Uh, Stewie, do I need to take out the leash?

#389

⇓

Sorry, Bri.

#390

⇓

So, listen, I have to change my flight and I need you to wait on hold for me.

#391

⇓

Oh, come on! That'll take forever!

#392

⇓

[clears throat]

#393

⇓

[sighs]

#394

⇓

[♪ muzak playing]

#395

⇓

This is Celia, how may I help you?

#396

⇓

Oh, thank God. My name is Brian Griffin.

#397

⇓

I'm calling about Flight 432 to Chicago.

#398

⇓

Tell her I want a flight with zero male flight attendants.

#399

⇓

That's what I'm calling for?

#400

⇓

And, and I want to sit next to a half-Asian chick.

#401

⇓

How would they even know that?

#402

⇓

I heard your requests.

#403

⇓

You are now on flight 376.

#404

⇓

And sitting next to Grace Thompson-Woo.

#405

⇓

- Really? - Yes.

#406

⇓

We do this all the time for James Franco.

#407

⇓

All right! Now call Ticketmaster.

#408

⇓

[sighs]

#409

⇓

[man] You've reached Ticketmaster.

#410

⇓

Good luck, douchebag.

#411

⇓

[male announcer] Ticketmaster, what a debacle!

#412

⇓

Alright, Quagmire, we're going to tell you everything we know about lovemaking

#413

⇓

to help you excite women again.

#414

⇓

Yeah, and everything I know, I learned from amateur porn.

#415

⇓

Do you have a Jacksonville Jaguars hat you can put on backwards?

#416

⇓

I don't think this is helpful, Peter. I want to have real sex.

#417

⇓

Oh, well, then the key is to eat a giant steak,

#418

⇓

and then fall asleep on top of Lois. She loves that.

#419

⇓

Or maybe try some scented body butter.

#420

⇓

I rub some on before relations with Donna.

#421

⇓

By the end of the night, she's like Yosemite Sam with two guns.

#422

⇓

She says I have the rootin'est-tootin'est,

#423

⇓

girthiest-sturdiest, most positively elephantiest

#424

⇓

jackhammer in all the West.

#425

⇓

Okay.

#426

⇓

Or hey, maybe you're just not a sex guy anymore?

#427

⇓

Maybe you date the girls, but another fella steps in for, uh, the sex.

#428

⇓

That's what Bon and I do. [chuckles]

#429

⇓

This poor sap's upstairs nailing my wife,

#430

⇓

meanwhile I'm in the basement, knocking out Frasier's left and right.

#431

⇓

Guys, this has been spectacularly unhelpful.

#432

⇓

Well, what do you want us to do? You're the sex guy in the group.

#433

⇓

Not anymore I'm not.

#434

⇓

Thanks for trying, but...

#435

⇓

Let's be honest, I'm old.

#436

⇓

I'm washed up.

#437

⇓

My days of pleasing women are behind me.

#438

⇓

You guys can let yourselves out.

#439

⇓

I think I'm gonna take a nap.

#440

⇓

Who else but Quagmire?

#441

⇓

What'd you say to me?

#442

⇓

You heard me. Who else could hit on my wife for 20 years?

#443

⇓

Quagmire.

#444

⇓

Who else could sleep with my first wife?

#445

⇓

Quagmire.

#446

⇓

So, don't you give me this crap that you're old and washed up.

#447

⇓

You'll never be. And you know why?

#448

⇓

'Cause who else but Quagmire?

#449

⇓

I'll tell you who else, no one!

#450

⇓

I'm gonna go out there, get my mojo back,

#451

⇓

and then I'm giving Elle the time of her life!

#452

⇓

[door opens]

#453

⇓

[car starting]

#454

⇓

[male announcer] The Toyota Yaris, what a debacle!

#455

⇓

Ah, it's a great day for a walk.

#456

⇓

Uh, yeah, yeah. When the wind made that fence rattle, you...

#457

⇓

- You did a good job barking at it. - Thank you.

#458

⇓

It was a crisis and I feel like I took charge.

#459

⇓

Hey, what do you say we take another lap around the block?

#460

⇓

Oh, I don't know. I'm really tired now,

#461

⇓

and my diaper lost contain.

#462

⇓

Come on, we're taking another lap.

#463

⇓

Please! Rupert and I ate at a cantina last night.

#464

⇓

I don't care, Stewie!

#465

⇓

I have the leash, so I'm in control!

#466

⇓

Ah! [thuds]

#467

⇓

Okay, well, two dogs are disappointed in me.

#468

⇓

And they should be.

#469

⇓

Look at me.

#470

⇓

I've become a power-hungry, inhumane dog owner that I despise.

#471

⇓

I'm sorry, Stewie.

#472

⇓

I never should have treated you like this.

#473

⇓

You don't need a leash.

#474

⇓

You need to be free.

#475

⇓

Really?

#476

⇓

That's right, pal.

#477

⇓

Ooh! The ice cream truck!

#478

⇓

- [car screeching] - [thuds]

#479

⇓

Ow! Did you see the driver?

#480

⇓

It was Caitlyn Jenner again.

#481

⇓

God! How is Caitlyn Jenner still allowed to drive?

#482

⇓

That was practically manslaughter!

#483

⇓

More like they/them slaughter.

#484

⇓

You know what? I don't think we're qualified to talk about this.

#485

⇓

[knock on door]

#486

⇓

Glenn?

#487

⇓

Hello, gorgeous!

#488

⇓

These are for you.

#489

⇓

I took your criticism to heart,

#490

⇓

and I'm here to let you know, I've upped my game!

#491

⇓

I have more stamina, more flexibility,

#492

⇓

and you know that trick where someone ties a knot with a cherry stem?

#493

⇓

[coughs]

#494

⇓

Dammit, ow.

#495

⇓

That was much more painful than I thought it'd be.

#496

⇓

Oh, I don't know, Glenn. [chuckles]

#497

⇓

Are you sure you can handle me?

#498

⇓

Better question.

#499

⇓

Can you handle me?

#500

⇓

All right, let's load him in!

#501

⇓

What happened?

#502

⇓

O.I.A.

#503

⇓

Orgasm Induced Aneurysm.

#504

⇓

Poor guy slept with someone out of his league.

#505

⇓

I gotta say, his elbows look perfect.

#506

⇓

Thanks, Skyrizi.

#507

⇓

[birds chirping]

#508

⇓

Well, Elle may not have worked out,

#509

⇓

but a lot of women still enjoy my company.

#510

⇓

I guess Elle was just too much woman for me.

#511

⇓

And perhaps anyone.

#512

⇓

[♪ slow music playing]

#513

⇓

[thuds]

#514

⇓

Hi, I'm John Mayer.

#515

⇓

I put my skinny arms in a t-shirt today to let you know that every year,

#516

⇓

over a 1000 men die from an Orgasm Induced Aneurysm, or O.I.A.

#517

⇓

Every guy wants sex to be mind-blowing but not like this.

#518

⇓

So, please, donate to stop O.I.A. today,

#519

⇓

and help us make every man's body a wonderland.

#520

⇓

Should I play the song now?

#521

⇓

No, the guy was from Boston, so we're gonna do that screaming,

#522

⇓

shanty rock that makes Bruins fans punch each other in the face.

#523

⇓

[♪ Shipping Up to Boston playing, Dropkick Murphys]

#524

⇓

[grunting]

#525

⇓