🎲 Surprise Me

Results (13329)

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Ah, you look like a good crowd.
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Any spice merchants here tonight?
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- I'm a lawyer. - Of the high seas?
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I handle zoning disputes.
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Then I got nothing.
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- [cellphone chimes] - [groans] It's Peter again.
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He's been texting me all night.
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He's so helpless when I'm not around.
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Hey, could you put your phone away? My parents are here tonight.
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Rory gave us grandchildren. Seamus gives us this.
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Well, maybe if you were actually funny, I'd listen.
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Your Davy Jones' Locker bit, thar she blows.
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If you think it's easy, you should put your treasure
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- where your mouth is and go next. - No, no, I'm not a comedian.
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I-I could never.
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Oh my gosh, you should do it, Lois.
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Yes, and not just because you're sneezing and coughing
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and I don't want you next to me.
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I don't know, you really think I'd be good at--
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Hey... [laughs, snorts]
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I don't really know what to talk about up here.
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Um, frankly, my whole life is dealing with my idiot husband, Peter.
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I had to chisel his fat ass out of ice today.
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Yeah, who knew a one-inch nub could shrink?
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- [laughter] - That is so true.
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You don't have a man, how would you know?
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When my roommate falls asleep, I crank pornos.
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Most couples have an active sex life.
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Peter has an Activia sex life.
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- [laughter] - Yeah, my husband and I,
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we enjoyed 20 happy years.
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- Then we met. - [laughter]
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Ladies, show of hands. Huh?
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How many of you have ever faked an orgasm?
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Okay, now how many of you have ever faked penetration?
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[cheers and applause]
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Whew, I need a drink.
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Hey, I just want to say I think you're great.
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Look, pal, I know nothing is hotter to a guy
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than a woman who's funnier than them, but I'm taken.
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I know, I heard your set.
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Those dumb husband jokes crushed.
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Oh, God, it was such a rush up there.