🎲 Surprise Me

Results (1403)

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and he would order a six-inch turkey sub,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#337
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and he'd go on long walks.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#338
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And over the course of several years, he lost nearly 300 pounds.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#339
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Well, Subway did a one-time commercial that was so successful,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#340
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they named him the permanent spokesman.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#341
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But the problem was…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#342
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[crowd laughs lightly]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#343
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They could only use Jared to promote their healthy subs.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#344
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And they needed someone…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#345
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that looked like they could shit standing up, right?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#346
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#347
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That's where your boy came in.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#348
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I was like, "Wait a minute, Jared's gonna say,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#349
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'Eat the turkey sub and the veggie sub.'" "What am I gonna say?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#350
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They're like, "You're gonna say, 'Don't forget we have a meatball sub too.'"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#351
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I was like, "Okay, I can do that."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#352
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But my next question was more relevant.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#353
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I was like, "Wait, Jared plays himself. He's Jared."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#354
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"Am I playing Tom, the comedian, in these commercials?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#355
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And they were like, "No, Jared will remain Jared."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#356
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"You, Tom, are gonna play his derelict brother
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#357
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who's a mess and eats like a fucking raccoon."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#358
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#359
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I was like, "Okay, I can do that."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#360
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I go, "I'm a character." They go, "Yes, you're a character."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#361
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I go, "Great, what's my name?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#362
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And they go, "Jerome."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#363
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I took a beat and I go, "That's a Black guy's name."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#364
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#365
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And I'll never forget the chief marketing officer of Subway
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#366
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looked me dead in my face, and he goes,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#367
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"Anybody can be named Jerome."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#368
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#369
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I go, "Yeah, anybody can be named Tanner."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#370
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"That's a fucking white guy's name, isn't it?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#371
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He goes, "We'll take your concerns back to the board."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#372
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Two weeks later, I am in New York City and I'm doing a wardrobe fitting
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#373
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to start shooting the commercials.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#374
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This guy walks into my dressing room and he goes,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#375
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"Hey, everybody agreed with your name issue."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#376
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And I go…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#377
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#378
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"No shit."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#379
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"What's the new name? Jeff, Jason?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#380
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He goes, "Jermaine."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#381
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#382
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I go, "That is way Blacker."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#383
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"Am I wearing gold fronts in these commercials?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#384
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