🎲 Surprise Me

Results (1403)

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All my friends are waiting outside, and I tell them what happened.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#289
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They're like, "I don't wanna know." And I go, "I'm telling you."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#290
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And they go, "Well, stop." I go, "I'm not. You already know now."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#291
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And in that exchange, something clicked.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#292
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I put it together.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#293
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I didn't shart.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#294
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I had simply shit my pants.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#295
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[crowd laughing]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#296
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Yeah.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#297
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I mean…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#298
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[scattered clapping]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#299
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That's an important distinction, right?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#300
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A shart would imply that I had farted,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#301
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and that there were some DVD extras in there.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#302
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I took a shit with my pants on.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#303
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[crowd laughing]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#304
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It would be no different than if I were standing here like,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#305
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"I think I'm gonna take a shit right now."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#306
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And then I just kept talking.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#307
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So, it's fucked with my confidence, but I'm back, baby.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#308
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I am fucking back. Yes.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#309
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[loud cheers and applause]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#310
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Thank you.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#311
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Also, let me tell you something.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#312
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This is my sixth hour special,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#313
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and I'm very, very grateful that I have this opportunity.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#314
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Yeah.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#315
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[crowd cheering and whooping]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#316
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I tell people a lot, and it's true,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#317
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that I really didn't think this was in the cards for me.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#318
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I didn't think about this ever when I started out in entertainment.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#319
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I really thought the highlight of my career
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#320
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was many, many years ago
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#321
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when I booked the international campaign to be the spokesman for Subway.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#322
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Now… that's a real thing.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#323
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That really happened to me. It took ten auditions.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#324
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And when I got the call that I had booked this job,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#325
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I had the same thought that many of you are probably having right now,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#326
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which is, what about Jared, you know?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#327
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#328
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Jared, the now former spokesman,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#329
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was really prominent in advertising at this time.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#330
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So when I got the call that I was the new spokesman,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#331
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I asked them. I was like, "Wait, am I replacing Jared?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#332
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And they were like, "Fuck no."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#333
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#334
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See, if you don't know this man's story, he used to weigh 500 pounds,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#335
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and he would go to his local Subway,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#336
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