🎲 Surprise Me

Results (1403)

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It was like dates and hummus.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1345
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I was like, "You're gonna eat this first thing and wash it down with coffee?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1346
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"You're gonna shit some memories out right now."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1347
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1348
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So I ate, I shat, and I saw her.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1349
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She knew something was up. She's like, "What is wrong?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1350
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I go, "Last night, we did what we did, and we didn't use protection."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1351
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And she goes, "That's okay." And I go…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1352
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[chuckling dryly] "No, it's not."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1353
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And she goes, "It's okay because I take medicine."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1354
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[softly] I go, "Why do you take medicine?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1355
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1356
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"Is your T cell count like 12 or something?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1357
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1358
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She goes, "I take medicine to not make babies."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1359
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I go, "The pill?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1360
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[laughing] "You think I'm worried…"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1361
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1362
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"…about getting you pregnant?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1363
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"How would you even find me?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1364
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1365
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"You just gonna write a letter?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1366
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"Dear America…"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1367
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1368
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"A man calling himself Big Daddy Kane fucked me…"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1369
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1370
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"…in North Africa."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1371
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And she goes, "Calm down."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1372
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I go, "I can't!"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1373
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This woman reached into her purse and pulled out pills.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1374
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I didn't even ask what they were. I was just like…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1375
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"What was that, vitamin C?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1376
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She goes, "Xanax. You just ate three Xanax."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1377
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"And now you're gonna relax, you big baby."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1378
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And like a minute later, I go, "Mm-hmm."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1379
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1380
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"I am relaxed."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1381
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And then we went up to her room, and we had unprotected sex again.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1382
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And that's how I got AIDS. I don't know. Um…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1383
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1384
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I've never been tested. And guess what, guys?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1385
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I'm not gonna be.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1386
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Because it's better not to know.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1387
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At this point, I've got it.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1388
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My wife's got it.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1389
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The boys have got it.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1390
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Seven's got it.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1391
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[crowd laughing]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1392
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