🎲 Surprise Me

Results (1403)

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I really dodged a bullet there."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1297
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Then you think about another one, "That could have been cool."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1298
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You think about all of them. I had one hit me the other day.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1299
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I was remembering that I studied abroad.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1300
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I did a semester in Madrid.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1301
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I remembered one time an American classmate of mine
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1302
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came up to me, and he goes,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1303
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"Hey, I'm going to Tunisia this weekend, North Africa."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1304
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"Do you wanna come?" And I go, "Not really, no."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1305
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Then he called me out. He goes, "When will you have the chance
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1306
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to see a place like that after such a short flight?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1307
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"You really should go." And I thanked him.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1308
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I said, "You're right, I'm coming." We went. We went to Tunisia.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1309
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We checked into a hotel. We see this beautiful woman in the lobby.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1310
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We approach her together, but we're gentlemen.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1311
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I go, "Hey, we're American students. We're studying in Spain."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1312
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"We're here for the weekend." She goes, "I'm French."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1313
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"I'm traveling alone. I'm looking for heroin today."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1314
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1315
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And my friend goes, "She's yours."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1316
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And then he just… walked away.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1317
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And I was like, "Let's see where it goes," you know?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1318
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We rode camels, you know, we tried to score some H. [chuckles]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1319
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Then we're in her room later.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1320
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And we're making out, it's starting to heat up.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1321
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And I wanna make this very clear to everybody.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1322
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I stop her, and I go, "I gotta tell you something."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1323
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"I don't have a condom and, no offense…"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1324
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[chuckling] "…I think I need one."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1325
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1326
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She goes, "You don't need a condom."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1327
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I go, "Ah…"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1328
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"Okay." So…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1329
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1330
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You said so, and I'm dumb.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1331
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So we did what we did.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1332
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And then I go back to my room, and my friend's there.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1333
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He goes, "Where have you been?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1334
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I go, "The French girl. I just hooked up with her."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1335
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And his first question, he goes, "You have a condom?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1336
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And I go, "No."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1337
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And his face dropped.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1338
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And he goes, "You're gonna die."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1339
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1340
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And I go, "I am gonna die."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1341
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I didn't sleep one second.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1342
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In the morning, I go downstairs for breakfast,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1343
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for fucking Tunisian breakfast.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1344
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