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One day I'm with her. I guess I'm feeling insecure.

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1201

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I bring it up. I go, "It's kind of weird you've hooked up with my roommate."

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1202

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And she goes, "What?" I go, "Yeah."

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1203

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She goes, "I've never touched your roommate." I go, "Really?"

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1204

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She goes, "Hell no." I go, "Okay." So I go back to my place.

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1205

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I go, "Hey, man, she said you guys never hooked up."

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1206

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And he goes, "Oh yeah, that's true."

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1207

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[crowd laughs]

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1208

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I go, "I should have known from the buttered-blanket pussy line."

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1209

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-[crowd laughs] -I go, "Why would you tell me that?"

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1210

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He goes, "Who cares" and turned on the TV. That was our whole conversation about it.

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1211

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Years later, I was dating another woman

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1212

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and we were talking about sex, like the topic of sex.

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1213

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And I brought up threesomes.

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1214

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I go, "Have you ever had a threesome?" You know what she said? She goes…

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1215

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I go, "I didn't ask, 'Did you remember to take your Adderall today?'"

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1216

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"Have you had sex with two other people at the same time?"

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1217

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She goes, "Not really."

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1218

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I go, "'Not really'? Was one of them an amputee?"

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1219

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'Cause that still counts.

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1220

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[crowd laughs]

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1221

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And she goes, "Well, here's the thing."

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1222

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I go, "This is a 'here's the thing'?"

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1223

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She goes, "Yes, technically I was in one,

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1224

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but I was sunburned."

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1225

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And I go, "What the fuck?"

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1226

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[crowd laughs]

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1227

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She goes, "I was in there, but didn't really participate

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1228

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'cause my sunburn was killing me."

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1229

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I go, "This is insane

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1230

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women's-only logic you got going on right now."

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1231

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She goes, "How about you?"

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1232

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I go, "I blew four guys, but I had poison ivy,

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1233

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so it doesn't count either."

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1234

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[crowd laughs]

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1235

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Just…

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1236

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[cheers and applause]

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1237

⇓

[people in crowd whistling]

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1238

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She was an absolute whore.

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1239

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And… she's dead.

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1240

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[scattered groans and laughter]

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1241

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Probably.

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1242

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You know, I've been thinking about killing my wife.

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1243

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-Um… -[crowd laughs]

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1244

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I've been talking about it too. Mostly with my wife. [chuckles]

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1245

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-[crowd laughs] -It's her fault. She started it.

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1246

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We were in the house one day, and she just lobs this at me.

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1247

⇓

She goes, "How easily do you think you could kill me with your bare hands?"

Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1248

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