🎲 Surprise Me

Results (1403)

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"Step on my nuts," and, um…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1153
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You know, "Cut my nipples open."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1154
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1155
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"Set me on fire."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1156
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And then you're like, "Okay…"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1157
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1158
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"He seems fun."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1159
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-[crowd laughs] -Then you get him in bed. What happens?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1160
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He's like, "Is that a match? I don't feel safe. I wanna call…"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1161
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"Oh, right, sure. Okay."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1162
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He's a fucking liar. He's a liar.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1163
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Now, women do the opposite lie.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1164
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Women diminish their accountability when it comes to sex, but I'll defend you.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1165
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I think you do it for a very good reason.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1166
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The reason a lot of women diminish their accountability when it comes to sex
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1167
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is they have a very real and valid fear
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1168
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that some men will shame them
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1169
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for enjoying some of the same things that they enjoy.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1170
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Isn't that right, ladies?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1171
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[women cheering and clapping]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1172
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All right, so there's like 30 whores here. That's crazy.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1173
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-[crowd laughs] -[Tom chuckles]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1174
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I'm kidding. [snickering]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1175
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I'm kidding. Thank you for cheering.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1176
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1177
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Then, you know, I think about, like, things that happen in my own life,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1178
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and I realize that these theories are true.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1179
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I remember I had a roommate one time,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1180
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and we both knew this beautiful girl named Nicole.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1181
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And one day, my roommate goes, "Oh, I hooked up with Nicole."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1182
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And I go, "Oh, really?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1183
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And then he said something super weird and gross,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1184
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and I apologize in advance, but he was like,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1185
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he goes, "Yeah, man, her puss…"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1186
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-[snorts, chuckles] -[crowd laughing]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1187
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He made sounds, which also made it way worse, you know?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1188
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He was like, "Mm."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1189
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I was like, "Oh!"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1190
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He was like, "It was so snuggly warm, you know?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1191
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"I wanted to take a nap in there," and I was like, "What?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1192
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He's like, "Yeah, mmm! Felt so good."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1193
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He goes, "It felt like a blanket that was lined with butter."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1194
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And I go, "What the fuck?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1195
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1196
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And then I dated her for two months after that.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1197
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1198
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You know why? 'Cause I like butter too, sir.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1199
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-So… -[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1200
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