🎲 Surprise Me

Results (1403)

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[in random Asian accent] "Oh…" Like that.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1057
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-[crowd laughs] -You know.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1058
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People still get jumpy. They'll be like, "What the fuck are you doing?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1059
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1060
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You can't go the whole way. You can't be like, "I would like to…"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1061
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[babbling in random Asian accent]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1062
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You can't. I did it to show you, but you can't do that.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1063
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1064
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If you want to have fun with an Asian person speaking,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1065
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and you're not Asian,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1066
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what you should do is simply learn how to say something in an Asian language.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1067
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Then you're repeating words. You're allowed to do that.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1068
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I've been working on this Mandarin.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1069
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[scattered laughter]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1070
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[Tom sighs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1071
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It's rough, but… [chuckles]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1072
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Here we go. [clears throat]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1073
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-[chuckles] -[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1074
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[speaking Mandarin]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1075
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[continues phrase]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1076
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1077
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[cheers and applause]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1078
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Thank you.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1079
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That means, "Kill my daughter. She is worthless."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1080
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Because they prefer boys, you know what I mean? Like…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1081
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Another girl, throw her against the tree.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1082
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Now… I did that joke in Hong Kong, and it did not land.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1083
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-So… -[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1084
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Yeah, they hate trees, but…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1085
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1086
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I don't know how I'd react. I have boys, but…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1087
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I don't even know whose credit that is. Is that mine? Is that my wife's?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1088
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I mean, she can take a load…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1089
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-Um… -[crowd groans and laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1090
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Between the legs. What I'm saying is…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1091
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I get blow jobs, but I get married blow jobs.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1092
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Them ain't like single-life blow jobs.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1093
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Married blow jobs kind of remind me…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1094
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You ever watch your dog…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1095
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on a hot day
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1096
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get some water
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1097
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from its bowl?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1098
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And then it looks at you
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1099
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between licks. You know?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1100
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It's like…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1101
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[crowd laughing]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1102
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You're like, "Yeah, that feels good, that's nice. Very nice."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1103
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"Are you done?" "Yeah, I didn't want to come. Thanks, that was fun."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1104
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