🎲 Surprise Me

Results (1403)

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I go, "Yeah, your logic is sound, but…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1009
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if you keep saying, 'I'm making shit in the toilet,'
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1010
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someone's gonna call the cops, so just follow my lead."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1011
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See, if you're at this show, you speak the world's language.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1012
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The world's language is English.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1013
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Most of you, like me, did absolutely nothing to learn it.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1014
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You were just born.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1015
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And the rest of the world tries so hard
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1016
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just to communicate with us,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1017
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just to participate with us,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1018
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and then we mock them to their face for trying.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1019
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1020
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Isn't that great? The whole world goes, "Um, how do you say…"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1021
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and we go… [babbling]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1022
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1023
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"Listen to this fucking idiot."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1024
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1025
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Like you did something.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1026
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"I do not know…" [babbling]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1027
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"Shut up, stupid."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1028
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It's like his eighth language.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1029
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Some redneck's like, "You don't fucking talk good."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1030
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"Fucking don't talk so much." And you're like, "Yeah."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1031
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"Yeah, what he said, for sure."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1032
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You can do that if you want.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1033
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You can mock people who have not mastered what you have.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1034
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It's rude. With language, you're gonna hurt people's feelings.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1035
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You know what everybody enjoys everywhere? I swear, everywhere.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1036
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If you can do an accent well,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1037
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people treat you like you're a goddamn magician.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1038
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They love it. Go try it at work. On Monday, just go to work and be like…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1039
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-[in British accent] "Hello, mate." -[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1040
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"Would you like a biscuit with your tea?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1041
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Someone in your office is gonna go, "No-uh."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1042
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I mean, you can do all the… Walk around…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1043
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[laughing in French accent]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1044
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"Would you like a croissant with your coffee?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1045
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"Would you like to mange my anus?" Whatever, say whatever you want.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1046
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And you can do all the accents.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1047
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Obviously not Asian, which is a bummer,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1048
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because that's the most fun one to do.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1049
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-Um… -[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1050
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You'll continue to do that when you're alone, and with friends, and with family,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1051
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and… in the shower, and in the car, and with lovers,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1052
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because there's nothing better, but you can't do it, you know?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1053
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You can do a little. You can do a note.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1054
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It's sort of like you can walk up to a piano and you can hit a key, right?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1055
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You can be in public and go, like…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1056
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