🎲 Surprise Me

Results (1403)

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"Uh-uh, we don't have any."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#961
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Well, there is this one. I don't know if you've heard of him.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#962
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His name is Adolf fucking Hitler.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#963
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He was doing mountains of coke.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#964
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By the way, he was having the same dumb conversations your friends have.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#965
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He was just having them about war.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#966
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He was like, "We should go to Stalingrad in December."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#967
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[crowd laughing]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#968
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"Haha, and we'll fuck them up, hahaha!"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#969
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[crowd laughing]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#970
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"Hey! Look at my mustache. I cut off the sides."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#971
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#972
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[cheers rising]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#973
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[cheers and applause]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#974
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"You guys want to see my art? It's pretty good."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#975
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"It's mostly me choking ducks. Look at this shit."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#976
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#977
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"You think Mussolini likes me?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#978
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All right, well…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#979
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No, it should be said. He was a real knucklehead.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#980
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[stifling chuckle]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#981
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Cool accent, though. Ja!
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#982
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#983
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See, I've always had a fascination with languages.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#984
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So, if you don't know, half my family is from South America.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#985
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They're from Peru. I've been going there… Yeah.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#986
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-[crowd cheering] -I've been going there my whole life.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#987
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My relatives have been visiting me my whole life.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#988
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Did you know that every time
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#989
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one of my 288 cousins comes to visit me,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#990
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they always say the same sentence incorrectly,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#991
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and they have for over 30 years.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#992
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One of them… during their visit, one of them will come up to me and go…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#993
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[in Peruvian accent] "Tommy. Um… I have to, uh… make a shit."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#994
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#995
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And I go, "I understand."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#996
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If you speak any Spanish, you realize what's happening.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#997
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It's a literal translation.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#998
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Because in Spanish, you would say, "hacer," which is "to make,"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#999
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which, to be fair to all Spanish speakers, it is exactly what you are doing.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1000
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You are, in fact, making shit.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1001
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I always correct them to be polite. "We don't say that here."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1002
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"Here, we say I have to take…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1003
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a shit."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1004
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And they always go, "Why?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1005
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1006
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"I will not take it anywhere."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1007
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#1008
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