🎲 Surprise Me

Results (1403)

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I mean, that's meth… You been around somebody on meth? I have. It's unsettling.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#913
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They never stop talking. They want to fuck everything.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#914
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And those are Americans.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#915
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Can you imagine what these kinky-ass Germans were like? Just…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#916
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#917
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Mmm…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#918
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"Oh… I want you to suck me dry--"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#919
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"Hey!"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#920
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"Gunther, back off."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#921
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Now, Hitler did meth too. It's very well documented.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#922
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A lot of people don't know he was given cocaine in the mornings
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#923
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by his personal doctor.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#924
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Like, you think Michael Jackson's doctor was out of line?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#925
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That was propofol to go to sleep.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#926
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That's JV shit, okay?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#927
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Like, "I want to go to sleep."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#928
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"Oh, fuck."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#929
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#930
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Hitler would wake up, and then his doctor was like,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#931
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"Good morning, my Führer." And fucking…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#932
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[snorts]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#933
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And then he was like, "Ah, Jews!"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#934
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[crowd laughing]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#935
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Dude, to start your day with an eight ball and a heart full of hatred is wild.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#936
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#937
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Here's what I really want to know.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#938
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Why am I learning about this at 46?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#939
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I feel like every little kid should know this.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#940
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Kindergartners should come up to all of us and be like,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#941
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"You know how much cocaine Hitler did?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#942
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#943
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You don't think that's the best deterrent story for a kid?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#944
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I do.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#945
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When I was a kid, they'd go, "Don't do coke."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#946
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And you'd go, "Why?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#947
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And they're like, "That's what rock stars do."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#948
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And you're like, "Oh, okay."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#949
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#950
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"You mean like Slash and Eric Clapton?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#951
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And they're like, "Yes, they're up till 6:00 a.m.,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#952
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and they're shaving their bodies…"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#953
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[chuckles]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#954
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#955
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"…and they're fucking girls."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#956
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"Is that what you want to do?" And you'd be like, "Boo!"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#957
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"Anybody else do coke?" "Yeah, Martin Scorsese."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#958
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You're like, "Yeah, that fucking worked out."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#959
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"How about a bad guy?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#960
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