🎲 Surprise Me

Results (1403)

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And as I was doing that,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#865
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I remember getting a call from a guy who was at that bar the night before.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#866
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He goes, "Hey, man, where did you go after the bar?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#867
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And I said, "I went home."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#868
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And he goes, "Did ya?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#869
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#870
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I go, "Yeah."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#871
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He goes, "I don't think you did."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#872
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I go, "No, I did."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#873
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And he goes, "Mm, you didn't."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#874
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#875
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I go, "What are you talking about?" He goes, "We can stop doing this."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#876
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"I'll tell you what you did." I go, "Okay, what did I do?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#877
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And he goes, "Dude, you fucked my aunt."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#878
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[crowd groaning and laughing]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#879
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[crowd reactions rising]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#880
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[cheers and applause]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#881
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I say, "Your aunt is Bill Belichick?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#882
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#883
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He goes, "Yeah."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#884
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I didn't know what to say, so I just said, "I'm sorry."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#885
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He goes, "No, I'm sorry."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#886
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He goes, "I don't wanna fuck any of my aunts,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#887
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but Bill is definitely last on that list."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#888
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[chuckles]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#889
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I switched to weed that day.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#890
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Sometimes you watch documentaries, and it's a whole different experience.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#891
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Like, it's just enlightening.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#892
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You get information that you can't let go of.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#893
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It just sits in your mind.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#894
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You tell people about it. It's in your dreams.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#895
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I mean, I watched one not long ago that if I had not watched it,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#896
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I would have no idea how much cocaine Hitler did.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#897
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-[crowd laughs] -No idea.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#898
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Like, everybody knows the Third Reich was on meth.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#899
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You know that, right? The entire German army.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#900
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They were on meth during World War II. Picture that.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#901
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A hundred thousand German soldiers
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#902
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marching through the Ardennes Forest.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#903
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Supposed to take six days, and they did it in 28 minutes.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#904
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That's meth.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#905
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#906
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Imagine you're sitting in a cabin in Belgium
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#907
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just drinking fucking milk, I guess…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#908
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[speaking French]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#909
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And you hear… [shouts in German]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#910
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And you're like, "Holy shit."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#911
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[speaking French]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#912
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