🎲 Surprise Me

Results (1403)

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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#817
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My friends were like, "Hey, calm down." I go, "You fucking calm down."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#818
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Then I ended up going home with a lady
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#819
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who had a most unfortunate face.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#820
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Yeah.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#821
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#822
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You think I'm being mean, but I know I'm being honest. That's why we're here.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#823
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[scattered laughter]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#824
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I blacked out, thankfully.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#825
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Um… Some of you never blacked out.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#826
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Congratulations on your healthy lifestyle choices.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#827
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But… the rest of us know it is horrifying.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#828
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I mean, I remember I woke up that next morning.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#829
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I was looking out a window
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#830
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into a yard I didn't recognize.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#831
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And I was like, "Where am I?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#832
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"And what is this?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#833
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#834
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And then I turned over, and this fucking gargoyle appeared.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#835
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#836
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And I audibly gasped
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#837
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in her face.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#838
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You understand? Like, I'm here. And I went… "Ohh!"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#839
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#840
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Ahh!
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#841
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And she was used to it. She was like, "I know. I know."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#842
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[crowd laughing]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#843
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"You're not the first fella to do that."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#844
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She looked like Bill Belichick, the former… Patriots coach.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#845
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Picture him with shoulder-length, brown hair.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#846
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Same face, same body.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#847
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I was like, "Put the fucking hoodie on. I don't want to see this."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#848
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And then I left there, you guys, feeling tremendous shame.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#849
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I told you I was a freshman in college.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#850
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I was taking Psychology 101.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#851
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We had talked about shame. You know what they teach you about shame?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#852
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They teach you that shame thrives in secret.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#853
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If you feel shame about anything,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#854
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you should confide it in at least one other person
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#855
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to help release the feeling.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#856
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But if you keep it inside, it festers and grows,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#857
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and it can consume you.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#858
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And I remember thinking back then, "How fascinating."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#859
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"I feel shame and I know what to do."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#860
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"Tell someone."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#861
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And then I thought, "Fuck that."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#862
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#863
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"I will die with this secret… and bury it under pizza."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#864
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