🎲 Surprise Me

Results (1403)

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I use his story as one that… where I can see I've evolved some.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#769
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See, I used to judge him very harshly.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#770
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A lot of people do.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#771
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All they see is a blown opportunity.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#772
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But the older I've gotten, I see it through a different lens.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#773
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I realize that's a lot of pressure for a young man to have.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#774
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A lot of people in their thirties, forties, and fifties can't handle that,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#775
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let alone a freshman in college.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#776
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You know, the celebrity, the fame, the money…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#777
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And so now I do the thing that you do if you can.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#778
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You put yourself in someone else's shoes. And I can do that.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#779
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I was once a freshman in college.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#780
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I wasn't dominating college football.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#781
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I was going to class, and I was working part-time
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#782
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at a shopping cart manufacturer.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#783
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#784
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A place that makes shopping carts.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#785
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Here's how cool that job was.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#786
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I went in there once on a Monday, and I went up to my boss.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#787
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I go, "I think I'm gonna quit on Friday."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#788
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And he goes, "Yeah, a lot of people do."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#789
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[crowd laughing]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#790
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Okay.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#791
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And then on Friday, he goes, "Yeah, you're done." I go, "Okay, great."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#792
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Then he tells me, "Hey, kid, a lot of people here like you."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#793
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"Let's go to the bar down the street and we'll toast you to whatever you do next."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#794
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I go, "Okay, I'm underage, but let's do it."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#795
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So we went, you know. People from the office came.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#796
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They were so nice.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#797
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They gave me good luck cards, little gifts and such.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#798
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And then one of them gave me a bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#799
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which was definitely meant to be a parting gift.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#800
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You know, like, "Take this with you."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#801
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And I was like, "I'll just drink it here at the bar."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#802
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-[crowd laughs] -Bartender's like, "You can't do that."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#803
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I go, "I can't hear you." I'm just gonna do it.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#804
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How can I make fun of Johnny for not being able to handle millions?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#805
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I can't handle a free fucking bottle of booze.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#806
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And let me tell you something, if you don't drink whiskey, if you start…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#807
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If you tip back the bottle three or four times,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#808
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your brain actually goes,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#809
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"Hey, there's too many lights on in here."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#810
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Beep, bop, boop.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#811
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#812
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And you go, "I wanna do bad shit."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#813
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[crowd laughing]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#814
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I started taking people's change that was on the bar.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#815
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I was like, "That's my shit, fuck you."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#816
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