🎲 Surprise Me

Results (1403)

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The only other person I know that went by "Teacher" is Charles Manson.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#577
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So yeah, I'm worried.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#578
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He was a substitute teacher. Now…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#579
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His older brother, he likes math.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#580
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He likes video games. He's an interesting kid.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#581
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He also has the voice of somebody who gargles with butane.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#582
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I don't know what is happening.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#583
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He's nine years old. He's like, "What's up, bro?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#584
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I go, "Hey."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#585
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"How's working in the mines? Is that fun?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#586
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He's also bananas. If I say, "Let's go out," he's like, "All right."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#587
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He'll come in the living room wearing rain boots, tighty whities, and goggles.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#588
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And I'm like, "Are you on shrooms right now?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#589
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#590
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"The only place you can wear that is a gay parade, and…"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#591
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"No, it's cool if you are, but there isn't one today."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#592
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"So put some fucking clothes on, okay?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#593
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We took these two future subjects of America's Most Wanted…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#594
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#595
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Believe me, the Menendez brothers don't have shit
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#596
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on the Segura brothers, okay?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#597
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We took these little sociopaths to visit my sister last Thanksgiving in Florida.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#598
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And on Thanksgiving Day, we did what a lot of families down there do.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#599
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We just went on a family walk, like a nice casual stroll.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#600
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And on this family walk, we ended up at a little pond.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#601
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And at the pond, there were other families feeding bread to ducks.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#602
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It looked like a painting.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#603
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And I remember, as we approached, thinking to myself,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#604
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"I wonder how my boys will ruin this."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#605
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-Right? -[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#606
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So we walk up, and this guy sees me.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#607
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He goes, "Hey, man, you want some bread?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#608
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I go, "Yeah, thanks, dude."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#609
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And then I turn to fucking Teacher.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#610
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[crowd laughing]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#611
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[cheers and applause rising]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#612
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I go, "Hey, Teach."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#613
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"Bread?" And he goes, "Give me that."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#614
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He's just throwing it as hard as he can. I'm like, "All right."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#615
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Then I turned to his brother. "Here you go."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#616
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He goes, "I don't want that."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#617
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I go, "What?" He goes, "I don't need that."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#618
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Happy Thanksgiving.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#619
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#620
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And then he just walks up to the edge of the water,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#621
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and he grabs a duck by the neck.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#622
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#623
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And he holds it up like he's Genghis Khan, okay? He's like…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#624
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