🎲 Surprise Me

Results (1403)

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And the guards are not allowed to retaliate.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#481
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They're only allowed to say two things back to the prisoner when that happens.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#482
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They're allowed to say, "Are you hungry?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#483
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Or, "Are you thirsty?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#484
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That's it.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#485
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And if the… [chuckles]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#486
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If the guard…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#487
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[stifling chuckle]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#488
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It's funny when you think about it.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#489
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If the guard does retaliate,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#490
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the guard can be court-martialed,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#491
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meaning you can go to prison
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#492
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for retaliating against someone
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#493
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who threw shit and piss in your face.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#494
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#495
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This is what it's like to be the father of a six-year-old boy.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#496
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-My son… -[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#497
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Yeah, that's called an A1 setup.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#498
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That's why I'm a big-time comedian.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#499
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Sure.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#500
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[cheers and applause]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#501
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I have two sons. They're both kind of dicks, but…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#502
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The six-year-old, I walk into my house a couple weeks ago, he goes, "Hey, man."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#503
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He goes, "Pick me up."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#504
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I go, "Pick you up?" He goes, "Hold me."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#505
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He hasn't asked me to hold him in like a year.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#506
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I go, "You want me to hold you?" He goes, "Yeah, pick me up."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#507
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All right, so I pick him up.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#508
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I'm looking at my baby boy. "You just want Dad to hold you?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#509
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He goes, "It feels good, man."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#510
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#511
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I go, "I like it too, buddy."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#512
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And then a moment later,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#513
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I feel a hot,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#514
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piercing, spreading sensation
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#515
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on my midsection.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#516
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I go, "Are you peeing on me?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#517
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And he goes, "Yeah."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#518
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#519
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I wanted to hit him so bad.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#520
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#521
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Like really hit him too, you know? Like…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#522
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Like…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#523
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knock his fucking teeth out of his mouth.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#524
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But I didn't.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#525
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I dropped him.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#526
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#527
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I go, "You hungry?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#528
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