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» S24E10 — A Few More Ways to Die in the West
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Season 24, Episode 10 — A Few More Ways to Die in the West
Whoa! What happened to you?
#1
⇓
It's not my fault. They put the saloon next to the salon
#2
⇓
and I got very confused.
#3
⇓
What's your name, stranger?
#4
⇓
They call me "Quiet Burp".
#5
⇓
Yeah, I've heard about you.
#6
⇓
Flush.
#7
⇓
Oh yeah? Know what a flush can't handle?
#8
⇓
Four deuces.
#9
⇓
Way to go.
#10
⇓
Something doesn't smell right about that hand.
#11
⇓
Your cards neither.
#12
⇓
You're calling me a cheat?
#13
⇓
I just don't like the feeling I'm getting plucked.
#14
⇓
Let's go. Train's leaving the station.
#15
⇓
Who's your handler, Burp?
#16
⇓
I'm Vivienne,
#17
⇓
which is a man's name back now.
#18
⇓
That's what you're telling yourself?
#19
⇓
I'm the man with no name.
#20
⇓
I got Buffalo, Burp and Wild.
#21
⇓
- But what was your name again? - Django. Unclaimed.
#22
⇓
I know you had those deuces stuffed down your pants, Burp!
#23
⇓
We could finish this conversation on a moonless night.
#24
⇓
Yeah? And what do you say we finish it now?
#25
⇓
I don't get why we're transporting your money
#26
⇓
in the first place.
#27
⇓
Why not just build your own bank?
#28
⇓
Don't lecture me on business sense.
#29
⇓
I made all my money in not sharp enough bone saws
#30
⇓
during the Civil War.
#31
⇓
Dulled the first batch of blades myself.
#32
⇓
Oh now, here's something.
#33
⇓
"Lady hanged for wearing pants."
#34
⇓
Good. One less wacko on the streets.
#35
⇓
"American West, uninhabited asterisk."
#36
⇓
I wonder what the asterisk means.
#37
⇓
Would you look at this, kid?
#38
⇓
In a few days we'll be striking it rich in the current West.
#39
⇓
Oh weird.
#40
⇓
Does this look vegetarian to you?
#41
⇓
You know, I never do this, but I'm gonna say something.
#42
⇓
I think we should be keeping a low profile.
#43
⇓
People are still pretty upset.
#44
⇓
Look, it was a mutual decision
#45
⇓
to kick John Wilkes Booth out of our improv group.
#46
⇓
Who knew he was gonna do that?
#47
⇓
I do feel kind of bad, though.
#48
⇓
Honestly, I was just glad
#49
⇓
he finally made an active choice on stage.
#50
⇓
Can I just be the first person to say I love seeing this country by train?
#51
⇓
Ah shoot.
#52
⇓
Hey, Vivienne. No biggie here.
#53
⇓
But did you need that money for anything?
#54
⇓
Hand over the money!
#55
⇓
They already got us.
#56
⇓
Oh perfect!
#57
⇓
Well, I'm really glad we stopped for lunch, Jim.
#58
⇓
Boy! 5,000 dollars bounty for catching the robber.
#59
⇓
I'm sure glad I get to form a posse with you guys.
#60
⇓
Hey, how'd you get the name Wild Joe, anyway?
#61
⇓
I once kissed a woman I wasn't engaged to.
#62
⇓
Ruined her for every other man.
#63
⇓
And I almost entered a ghost pepper challenge.
#64
⇓
Gave it a real hard thought.
#65
⇓
Hey, look at little Bobby Oppenheimer over there
#66
⇓
playing with firecrackers.
#67
⇓
Man, is there anything more common in these times than a rural Jew?
#68
⇓
All right. The bandit's trail leads to Golden Stream.
#69
⇓
But look sharp, fellas, to get there, we gotta cross through Indian territory.
#70
⇓
Look.
#71
⇓
Am I speaking with Mrs. Kowalski?
#72
⇓
- I like their long shirts. - Tell 'em.
#73
⇓
I like your long shirts.
#74
⇓
Be on the lookout for rattlers, fellas.
#75
⇓
If you get bit, the only cure is for someone to suck the poison out.
#76
⇓
Is that right?
#77
⇓
Hey, I'm just gonna go take a wavy leak by those cool sandy bushes.
#78
⇓
Letter for Quiet Burp.
#79
⇓
That's me.
#80
⇓
Oh cool. Wow.
#81
⇓
Without addresses, I spent the past nine years
#82
⇓
just asking everyone I see.
#83
⇓
Oh, it's my letter from Skidmore!
#84
⇓
Did you get in?
#85
⇓
No, it's... it's for someone else.
#86
⇓
But the guy said Quiet...
#87
⇓
They put me on the overweight list, okay?
#88
⇓
Bunch of wise guys.
#89
⇓
If you need me, I'll be binge watching the campfire.
#90
⇓
That'll show 'em.
#91
⇓
Separating those carpetbaggers from their money.
#92
⇓
Huh, and their Tucks Medicated pads, too.
#93
⇓
Guys, we got a problem.
#94
⇓
Somebody dip some palm fronds in the creek
#95
⇓
and stuff them through the crescent moon hole.
#96
⇓
All right. The tracks have stopped.
#97
⇓
So the guy's gotta be around here somewhere.
#98
⇓
Hey, hey, you guys see that?
#99
⇓
I, I may go in just as a joke.
#100
⇓
I may... join you just as a joke.
#101
⇓
All right. I'll see you guys inside.
#102
⇓
Hey, and to think this horse saved me when someone was gonna put me down.
#103
⇓
I wouldn't worry over cinching them knots too tight.
#104
⇓
Named Sheriff West.
#105
⇓
Okay, I am obsessed with your coat.
#106
⇓
Will you stop saying that to everyone we meet?
#107
⇓
You fellas ain't the first hired guns to blow into my town.
#108
⇓
So you got any notions of stirring up trouble?
#109
⇓
You snuff that lantern out now.
#110
⇓
Take a step out of line.
#111
⇓
The next one will be on to the scaffold.
#112
⇓
Don't take much to earn tickets to a necktie social.
#113
⇓
Do you have these written down somewhere?
#114
⇓
Of course, if you prefer,
#115
⇓
we could just head on down to the marshal's.
#116
⇓
They got just about everything you need so long as it's from the brand Nautica.
#117
⇓
All the envelopes are sealed.
#118
⇓
Hey, buddy. Is that your schoolhouse teacher?
#119
⇓
School house?
#120
⇓
This is Arizona State University.
#121
⇓
Yeah? Any idea whose sheets she's hanging?
#122
⇓
Her husband died in childbirth.
#123
⇓
His picture is in that locket.
#124
⇓
Oh, it's huge. She likes fat guys.
#125
⇓
Well, actually, word is
#126
⇓
the pictures of the piece he was swinging.
#127
⇓
I see. Well, maybe we could still be really good friends.
#128
⇓
Hey, there. Name is Quiet Burp.
#129
⇓
A-ha. Nice to meet you.
#130
⇓
I'm the "hair blowing in the wind school mom", Lucy Stools.
#131
⇓
You know, I'd love to learn more about Golden Stream.
#132
⇓
Would you be up for dinner?
#133
⇓
Oh, well, it's nice of an armed stranger to wander into
#134
⇓
an active classroom to ask me this.
#135
⇓
How about 6:30?
#136
⇓
Perfect. And hey, maybe we could go dancing after.
#137
⇓
I haven't been in forever.
#138
⇓
I wish there was a way to dance that didn't involve this.
#139
⇓
All right, decent crowd.
#140
⇓
Now let's go through our warm ups.
#141
⇓
Say it with me. "Cute cowboys come quick.
#142
⇓
Cute cowboys come quick."
#143
⇓
What are we even performing?
#144
⇓
Well, if there's one thing freezing grizzled cowboys want, see,
#145
⇓
it's a Shakespearean drama.
#146
⇓
So I give you... Richard the third.
#147
⇓
Now, during my full frontal scene, I want you to remain calm.
#148
⇓
Because if I see you getting nervous, then I'll get nervous.
#149
⇓
Which scene does he get nude in?
#150
⇓
I don't know. It's one of the castle ones, I think.
#151
⇓
I don't know. Now, come on!
#152
⇓
Let's show these cowboys and Indians what they're fighting for.
#153
⇓
"Shine out fair sun till I have bought a glass
#154
⇓
so that I may see my shadow as I pass."
#155
⇓
Shoot. We're losing them.
#156
⇓
Maybe we try a little improv.
#157
⇓
Okay. Okay.
#158
⇓
- Um, I need a location. - Yellowstone.
#159
⇓
- Occupation. - Yellowstone rancher.
#160
⇓
Can I hear from anyone else, please?
#161
⇓
- Need a little red meat here. - A barrel maker.
#162
⇓
There's some fertile ground.
#163
⇓
- I see why you mentioned it. - One barrel, please, sir.
#164
⇓
Damn it, Dog Holiday! Don't play along with them.
#165
⇓
We just want to see programs about Yellowstone.
#166
⇓
Can be way before right now,
#167
⇓
soared and near right now or in the future.
#168
⇓
As long as it's a year plus Yellowstone.
#169
⇓
Fine. This is Yellowstone 1471.
#170
⇓
And in Yellowstone there's a naked king.
#171
⇓
I think I owe John Wilkes Booth an apology for his improv skills.
#172
⇓
How do we bomb harder than the minstrel performers?
#173
⇓
I can think of only one thing that will save us.
#174
⇓
Here's my impression of James A. Garfield.
#175
⇓
I am James A. Garfield.
#176
⇓
I like lasagna and I hate Mondays.
#177
⇓
His impression is helped by none of us ever having heard his voice.
#178
⇓
I bet he sounds like that, though.
#179
⇓
Tonight's special is a souffle and a filet mignon.
#180
⇓
Sorry. These words just got here.
#181
⇓
I thought you were the Sheriff.
#182
⇓
Lot of jobs, not enough people.
#183
⇓
I'm trying to avoid glutton.
#184
⇓
And I told you I didn't want any trouble.
#185
⇓
So were you in the Civil War?
#186
⇓
Yeah, I fought for the middle.
#187
⇓
A couple of days in, I found a two sided uniform.
#188
⇓
Oh, still wearing it, wow.
#189
⇓
Eventually, both sides caught on.
#190
⇓
So I survived by hiding under a pile of bodies.
#191
⇓
For four years ate nothing but dead butts.
#192
⇓
Oh, well, I'm glad you made it out.
#193
⇓
Yeah, it was either that or live in Atlanta as a woman.
#194
⇓
But I'm a different person now.
#195
⇓
I wish I'd experienced more when I was younger.
#196
⇓
And look at me now. A widow.
#197
⇓
I mean, my students don't even respect me.
#198
⇓
I would have loved having you as a teacher.
#199
⇓
You're smart, pretty and I don't know.
#200
⇓
Seeing you today, I felt more than I have in a while.
#201
⇓
That's funny. I felt the same spark with you, too.
#202
⇓
Madeline? From Atlanta?
#203
⇓
No, no, that is no longer my truth.
#204
⇓
All we need is a little costume repair.
#205
⇓
Find our opening. Let's see.
#206
⇓
Livery stable, brothel, three dry goods stores.
#207
⇓
Wait a minute. That's it!
#208
⇓
It's the ultimate zag holiday.
#209
⇓
We'll ride this wave right onto the streets of Paris.
#210
⇓
Get your high waters on and start selling.
#211
⇓
Can I interest you in checking out our supply, sir?
#212
⇓
Picture yourself waking up in the morning and climbing into some cold, wet jeans.
#213
⇓
Some wet candies for the kids? Mmm?
#214
⇓
We supply the wettest flower in the West.
#215
⇓
Oatmeal ready to eat before it's even opened.
#216
⇓
Get your Chris D'Elia hair tonic.
#217
⇓
Perfect for your stringiest events.
#218
⇓
It's peaceful out here, isn't it?
#219
⇓
The wind, the birds, the thousand Asians dynamiting a mountain.
#220
⇓
You know, usually men don't want
#221
⇓
anything to do with me.
#222
⇓
See, my late husband and I had eight children, but 12 died at birth.
#223
⇓
The mortality rate's 140%.
#224
⇓
But the truth is, these past two scenes
#225
⇓
are the most fun I've had in a while.
#226
⇓
Me too, Lucy.
#227
⇓
Sorry, I was holding that.
#228
⇓
I didn't want to crack my saddle.
#229
⇓
Y'all know if this is the way to the saloon?
#230
⇓
I'm a Pinkerton agent in need of direction.
#231
⇓
And once I find the saloon, I'm going in buns glazing.
#232
⇓
Yippee-ki-yay, mister.
#233
⇓
I can't believe this. Lucy, you're the train robber?
#234
⇓
I was sent to bring you in.
#235
⇓
You don't understand.
#236
⇓
I was only doing it because of the destruction
#237
⇓
your bosses bone saw brought upon the soldiers.
#238
⇓
The stolen money was redistributed to their families.
#239
⇓
Wait, you mean Vivienne's a bad guy?
#240
⇓
Name one movie where the good guy uses a cane.
#241
⇓
I don't...
#242
⇓
Uh, Michael J. Fox documentary?
#243
⇓
Who's Michael J. Fox?
#244
⇓
Ah, you don't know him,
#245
⇓
but your great, great, great grandkids are gonna love him.
#246
⇓
I don't know about you fellas, but I'm pretty beat.
#247
⇓
Stayed up with a prostitute last night and got the full service.
#248
⇓
- What'd you do? - Cried in her lap mostly.
#249
⇓
The chicks will do anything in this town.
#250
⇓
What did you get up to, Django?
#251
⇓
I rode over and said hi to the other Black guy in town.
#252
⇓
Oh yeah? How's he doing?
#253
⇓
Not well.
#254
⇓
Where you been, Quiet?
#255
⇓
We spent all this time hunting for that train robber,
#256
⇓
and you haven't helped one bit.
#257
⇓
Interesting you say that. Hey, quick update.
#258
⇓
The school mom's the bad guy, but I'm in love with her
#259
⇓
and want you guys to be cool with it.
#260
⇓
Oh, and we're registered at the wet goods store.
#261
⇓
We can't let you get married, Quiet.
#262
⇓
You promised we were gonna have the most epic summer ever!
#263
⇓
We still can. You three will be my groomsmen.
#264
⇓
Which one of us is the best man?
#265
⇓
Oh, it's uh... it's a friend from a high school posse.
#266
⇓
- Ah, come on. - That's
#267
⇓
Look, I'm sorry. I just...
#268
⇓
You never forget your first posse, you know?
#269
⇓
You told us we were the best posse you ever had.
#270
⇓
They say possess posse,
#271
⇓
but I can see this one's not as tight as it used to be.
#272
⇓
Okay, well, you know something?
#273
⇓
I think this posse stinks.
#274
⇓
Sorry. Burp. With this 5,000, we can live like kings
#275
⇓
in the most cosmopolitan city in America, Saint Louis.
#276
⇓
So what do you need to show me?
#277
⇓
Well, I was drinking from the stream earlier,
#278
⇓
and something caught my eye.
#279
⇓
Gold panning. Of course.
#280
⇓
Now there's gonna be temptation to kill each other when we find gold.
#281
⇓
So let's agree on a pact.
#282
⇓
I'll watch your stuff here
#283
⇓
while you turn your back and start panning.
#284
⇓
Oh, and if you hear a metallic click, it's probably a twig.
#285
⇓
I'd counsel you fellas against laying a claim to these parts
#286
⇓
or may I head upstream hell bent for leather.
#287
⇓
Thank you, man without teeth. We'll bear that in mind.
#288
⇓
Just saying there's gold up in them up hills.
#289
⇓
"Them, the?" These prospectors and their pronouns.
#290
⇓
Am I right?
#291
⇓
Oh, hey, hey, Mr. Burp.
#292
⇓
I can't... hear you.
#293
⇓
What's that?
#294
⇓
Oh, I get it.
#295
⇓
You were making fun of my stutter,
#296
⇓
you sadistic son of a bitch!
#297
⇓
Ah! No, no! Hey, hey! No, no, stop!
#298
⇓
But you were making fun of my stutter.
#299
⇓
Of course I was.
#300
⇓
We live in an era where you can make fun of anything.
#301
⇓
You can make fun of and and even [bleep].
#302
⇓
And you can still call a [bleep].
#303
⇓
So say it all now before they stop you.
#304
⇓
- Before who stops you. - Mostly [bleep].
#305
⇓
We know you're in there 'cause we already burned down
#306
⇓
two of your previously listed addresses.
#307
⇓
But I was born in an orphanage.
#308
⇓
Yeah, we found out.
#309
⇓
Get ready to draw.
#310
⇓
I put the sun in the corner.
#311
⇓
Sorry, Quiet. You lit this fuse yourself.
#312
⇓
So either walk away
#313
⇓
or the undertaker will have a busy afternoon.
#314
⇓
Sheriff West. Why are you helping us?
#315
⇓
Told you, when it comes to folks
#316
⇓
in this here town, I ain't got no tolerance for violence.
#317
⇓
Plus, you laid me down a fair tip.
#318
⇓
Well, thanks. Now, come on, Lucy.
#319
⇓
Let's ride off to the inexplicable music
#320
⇓
from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
#321
⇓
Ah great. My eyes are closed.
#322
⇓
I don't know why that bothers me, but it does.
#323
⇓
Oh no, they're right on us.
#324
⇓
Quick, let's head for that canyon.
#325
⇓
Hey, do you see that newspaper?
#326
⇓
The Osage struck oil.
#327
⇓
Boy, I hope one day an Italian tells their story.
#328
⇓
You know, I'm about fed up with these
#329
⇓
half-baked schemes of yours.
#330
⇓
Oh, like you've hit so many bull's eyes.
#331
⇓
I said we should do a dog show.
#332
⇓
A talking dog and you wanted to jump through hoops.
#333
⇓
Look out, Buffalo Bill.
#334
⇓
We got ourselves a first rate entertainer.
#335
⇓
Wilkes Booth would have been on board.
#336
⇓
Oh yeah, he had a lot of high minded ideas.
#337
⇓
But now that you mention it, I'm starting to wonder
#338
⇓
if we didn't kick the wrong member out of our improv group.
#339
⇓
In fact, I bet we could prop up his corpse
#340
⇓
and get a more convincing performance right now.
#341
⇓
You know what? That's it!
#342
⇓
Okay, let's just cool off. Take a beat.
#343
⇓
Maybe grab a nap in our long johns that show the outlines of our packages.
#344
⇓
Holy crap! Look!
#345
⇓
Oh my God!
#346
⇓
After this long john nap, we're gonna be rich.
#347
⇓
It's all over, Quiet. You should just turn me in.
#348
⇓
Quick, Holiday. Gather all the glitter you can
#349
⇓
to the inexplicable music from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
#350
⇓
We did it, Quiet!
#351
⇓
You know, for a second there,
#352
⇓
I thought you were gonna turn me in.
#353
⇓
Oh good. Well, I'm sure that'll die right here and never come up again.
#354
⇓
End of the line, Burp.
#355
⇓
Oh boss? Hey, perfect timing.
#356
⇓
Look who I found.
#357
⇓
I know you were on the run.
#358
⇓
Ah, I was wondering why this thing kept beeping.
#359
⇓
How about a duel? I win. You let us go free.
#360
⇓
Why would I agree to that?
#361
⇓
I'm the one with the aimed gun.
#362
⇓
Okay. No. Yeah, that makes sense.
#363
⇓
Man, that one was really up there.
#364
⇓
Undefeated.
#365
⇓
You're safe now, Lucy. And I, for one,
#366
⇓
am excited to quit this life and settle down for good.
#367
⇓
Me too, Quiet.
#368
⇓
With you, I no longer feel like I'm staring
#369
⇓
at the coals of a dwindling future.
#370
⇓
I have a whole life to live.
#371
⇓
Full of experiences.
#372
⇓
Starting with this one.
#373
⇓
Oh, Lucy.
#374
⇓
Yours is the only posse I want to be in.
#375
⇓
Look at this, Holiday.
#376
⇓
I've also got a lead on a shipment of ostrich feathers.
#377
⇓
There'll be no stopping us.
#378
⇓
I know. I'm glad we converted the schoolhouse to this.
#379
⇓
I love this DJ.
#380
⇓
♪ Oh my darling ♪
#381
⇓
♪ Oh my darling, oh my darling ♪
#382
⇓
♪ Clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp ♪
#383
⇓
♪ Everybody dance now! ♪
#384
⇓
♪ Clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp ♪
#385
⇓
That night there were 12 ODs
#386
⇓
and 24 horse related drunk driving desks.
#387
⇓
Folks forget the real hazard in the frontier
#388
⇓
laying out in disease or bullets.
#389
⇓
No, it was mostly them bisexual nightclubs.
#390
⇓
Anyway, that'll be Edith calling.
#391
⇓
I'm Wild West.
#392
⇓
And I was in this episode a lot less than you'd expect.
#393
⇓
♪ Clamp, clamp, clamp ♪
#394
⇓
♪ Everybody dance now ♪
#395
⇓
♪ Clamp, clamp, clamp ♪
#396
⇓
♪ Clamp, clamp, clamp ♪
#397
⇓
♪ Clamp, clamp, clamp ♪
#398
⇓
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