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Home » Family Guy » S24E10 — A Few More Ways to Die in the West

Family Guy

Season 24, Episode 10 — A Few More Ways to Die in the West

preview

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Whoa! What happened to you?

happened whoa

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It's not my fault. They put the saloon next to the salon

fault salon

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and I got very confused.

confused

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What's your name, stranger?

name stranger

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They call me "Quiet Burp".

burp quiet

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Yeah, I've heard about you.

heard

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Flush.

flush

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Oh yeah? Know what a flush can't handle?

flush handle

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Four deuces.

four

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Way to go.

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Something doesn't smell right about that hand.

hand smell

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Your cards neither.

cards

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You're calling me a cheat?

calling cheat

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I just don't like the feeling I'm getting plucked.

feeling plucked

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Let's go. Train's leaving the station.

leaving station trains

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Who's your handler, Burp?

burp

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I'm Vivienne,

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which is a man's name back now.

mans name

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That's what you're telling yourself?

telling

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I'm the man with no name.

name

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I got Buffalo, Burp and Wild.

buffalo burp wild

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- But what was your name again? - Django. Unclaimed.

name

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I know you had those deuces stuffed down your pants, Burp!

burp pants stuffed

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We could finish this conversation on a moonless night.

conversation finish night

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Yeah? And what do you say we finish it now?

finish

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I don't get why we're transporting your money

money

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in the first place.

place

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Why not just build your own bank?

bank build

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Don't lecture me on business sense.

business lecture sense

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I made all my money in not sharp enough bone saws

bone money sharp

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during the Civil War.

civil

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Dulled the first batch of blades myself.

batch blades

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Oh now, here's something.

↓

"Lady hanged for wearing pants."

lady pants wearing

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Good. One less wacko on the streets.

less streets

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"American West, uninhabited asterisk."

american asterisk west

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I wonder what the asterisk means.

asterisk wonder

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Would you look at this, kid?

↓

In a few days we'll be striking it rich in the current West.

current days rich striking west

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Oh weird.

weird

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Does this look vegetarian to you?

vegetarian

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You know, I never do this, but I'm gonna say something.

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I think we should be keeping a low profile.

keeping profile

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People are still pretty upset.

upset

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Look, it was a mutual decision

decision mutual

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to kick John Wilkes Booth out of our improv group.

booth group improv john kick

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Who knew he was gonna do that?

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I do feel kind of bad, though.

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Honestly, I was just glad

glad

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he finally made an active choice on stage.

active choice finally stage

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Can I just be the first person to say I love seeing this country by train?

country love person seeing train

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Ah shoot.

shoot

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Hey, Vivienne. No biggie here.

biggie

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But did you need that money for anything?

money

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Hand over the money!

hand money

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They already got us.

↓

Oh perfect!

perfect

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Well, I'm really glad we stopped for lunch, Jim.

glad lunch stopped

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Boy! 5,000 dollars bounty for catching the robber.

bounty catching dollars robber

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I'm sure glad I get to form a posse with you guys.

form glad posse

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Hey, how'd you get the name Wild Joe, anyway?

howd name wild

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I once kissed a woman I wasn't engaged to.

engaged kissed woman

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Ruined her for every other man.

ruined

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And I almost entered a ghost pepper challenge.

challenge entered ghost pepper

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Gave it a real hard thought.

hard real real-hard

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Hey, look at little Bobby Oppenheimer over there

bobby

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playing with firecrackers.

firecrackers playing

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Man, is there anything more common in these times than a rural Jew?

common times

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All right. The bandit's trail leads to Golden Stream.

golden leads stream trail

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But look sharp, fellas, to get there, we gotta cross through Indian territory.

cross fellas indian sharp territory

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Look.

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Am I speaking with Mrs. Kowalski?

speaking

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- I like their long shirts. - Tell 'em.

shirts

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I like your long shirts.

shirts

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Be on the lookout for rattlers, fellas.

fellas lookout

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If you get bit, the only cure is for someone to suck the poison out.

cure poison suck

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Is that right?

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Hey, I'm just gonna go take a wavy leak by those cool sandy bushes.

bushes cool leak sandy

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Letter for Quiet Burp.

burp letter quiet

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That's me.

↓

Oh cool. Wow.

cool

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Without addresses, I spent the past nine years

addresses nine past spent years

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just asking everyone I see.

asking

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Oh, it's my letter from Skidmore!

letter

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Did you get in?

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No, it's... it's for someone else.

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But the guy said Quiet...

quiet

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They put me on the overweight list, okay?

list overweight

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Bunch of wise guys.

bunch wise

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If you need me, I'll be binge watching the campfire.

campfire watching

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That'll show 'em.

thatll

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Separating those carpetbaggers from their money.

money

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Huh, and their Tucks Medicated pads, too.

medicated pads

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Guys, we got a problem.

problem

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Somebody dip some palm fronds in the creek

creek palm somebody

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and stuff them through the crescent moon hole.

hole moon stuff

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All right. The tracks have stopped.

stopped tracks

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So the guy's gotta be around here somewhere.

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Hey, hey, you guys see that?

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I, I may go in just as a joke.

joke

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I may... join you just as a joke.

join joke

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All right. I'll see you guys inside.

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Hey, and to think this horse saved me when someone was gonna put me down.

horse saved

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I wouldn't worry over cinching them knots too tight.

knots tight worry

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Named Sheriff West.

named sheriff west

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Okay, I am obsessed with your coat.

coat obsessed

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Will you stop saying that to everyone we meet?

meet

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You fellas ain't the first hired guns to blow into my town.

aint blow fellas guns hired town

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So you got any notions of stirring up trouble?

notions stirring trouble

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You snuff that lantern out now.

lantern snuff

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Take a step out of line.

line step

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The next one will be on to the scaffold.

↓

Don't take much to earn tickets to a necktie social.

earn social tickets

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Do you have these written down somewhere?

written

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Of course, if you prefer,

course prefer

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we could just head on down to the marshal's.

head

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They got just about everything you need so long as it's from the brand Nautica.

brand

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All the envelopes are sealed.

sealed

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Hey, buddy. Is that your schoolhouse teacher?

buddy teacher

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School house?

house school

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This is Arizona State University.

arizona state university

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Yeah? Any idea whose sheets she's hanging?

hanging idea sheets

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Her husband died in childbirth.

died husband

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His picture is in that locket.

picture

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Oh, it's huge. She likes fat guys.

huge likes

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Well, actually, word is

word

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the pictures of the piece he was swinging.

pictures piece swinging

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I see. Well, maybe we could still be really good friends.

friends

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Hey, there. Name is Quiet Burp.

burp name quiet

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A-ha. Nice to meet you.

meet

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I'm the "hair blowing in the wind school mom", Lucy Stools.

blowing hair lucy school stools wind

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You know, I'd love to learn more about Golden Stream.

golden learn love stream

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Would you be up for dinner?

dinner

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Oh, well, it's nice of an armed stranger to wander into

armed stranger wander

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an active classroom to ask me this.

active classroom

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How about 6:30?

↓

Perfect. And hey, maybe we could go dancing after.

dancing perfect

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I haven't been in forever.

forever

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I wish there was a way to dance that didn't involve this.

dance involve wish

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All right, decent crowd.

crowd decent

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Now let's go through our warm ups.

warm

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Say it with me. "Cute cowboys come quick.

cowboys cute quick

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Cute cowboys come quick."

cowboys cute quick

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What are we even performing?

performing

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Well, if there's one thing freezing grizzled cowboys want, see,

cowboys freezing

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it's a Shakespearean drama.

drama

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So I give you... Richard the third.

richard third

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Now, during my full frontal scene, I want you to remain calm.

calm full remain remain-calm scene

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Because if I see you getting nervous, then I'll get nervous.

nervous

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Which scene does he get nude in?

nude scene

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I don't know. It's one of the castle ones, I think.

castle ones

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I don't know. Now, come on!

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Let's show these cowboys and Indians what they're fighting for.

cowboys fighting indians

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"Shine out fair sun till I have bought a glass

bought fair glass shine till

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so that I may see my shadow as I pass."

pass shadow

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Shoot. We're losing them.

losing shoot

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Maybe we try a little improv.

improv

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Okay. Okay.

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- Um, I need a location. - Yellowstone.

location yellowstone

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- Occupation. - Yellowstone rancher.

yellowstone

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Can I hear from anyone else, please?

↓

- Need a little red meat here. - A barrel maker.

barrel maker meat

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There's some fertile ground.

fertile ground

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- I see why you mentioned it. - One barrel, please, sir.

barrel mentioned

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Damn it, Dog Holiday! Don't play along with them.

along holiday

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We just want to see programs about Yellowstone.

programs yellowstone

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Can be way before right now,

↓

soared and near right now or in the future.

future near

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As long as it's a year plus Yellowstone.

plus yellowstone

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Fine. This is Yellowstone 1471.

yellowstone

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And in Yellowstone there's a naked king.

king naked yellowstone

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I think I owe John Wilkes Booth an apology for his improv skills.

apology booth improv john skills

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How do we bomb harder than the minstrel performers?

bomb harder

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I can think of only one thing that will save us.

save

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Here's my impression of James A. Garfield.

garfield impression james

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I am James A. Garfield.

garfield james

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I like lasagna and I hate Mondays.

hate hate-mondays lasagna mondays

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His impression is helped by none of us ever having heard his voice.

having heard helped impression voice

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I bet he sounds like that, though.

sounds

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Tonight's special is a souffle and a filet mignon.

filet special tonights

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Sorry. These words just got here.

words

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I thought you were the Sheriff.

sheriff

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Lot of jobs, not enough people.

jobs

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I'm trying to avoid glutton.

avoid

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And I told you I didn't want any trouble.

trouble

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So were you in the Civil War?

civil

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Yeah, I fought for the middle.

fought middle

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A couple of days in, I found a two sided uniform.

couple days found uniform

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Oh, still wearing it, wow.

wearing

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Eventually, both sides caught on.

caught eventually sides

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So I survived by hiding under a pile of bodies.

bodies hiding pile survived

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For four years ate nothing but dead butts.

butts dead four four-years years

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Oh, well, I'm glad you made it out.

glad

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Yeah, it was either that or live in Atlanta as a woman.

atlanta live woman

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But I'm a different person now.

person

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I wish I'd experienced more when I was younger.

experienced wish younger

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And look at me now. A widow.

widow

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I mean, my students don't even respect me.

respect students

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I would have loved having you as a teacher.

having loved teacher

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You're smart, pretty and I don't know.

smart

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Seeing you today, I felt more than I have in a while.

seeing today

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That's funny. I felt the same spark with you, too.

funny spark

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Madeline? From Atlanta?

atlanta

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No, no, that is no longer my truth.

longer truth

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All we need is a little costume repair.

costume repair

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Find our opening. Let's see.

opening

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Livery stable, brothel, three dry goods stores.

goods stable stores three

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Wait a minute. That's it!

minute

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It's the ultimate zag holiday.

holiday ultimate

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We'll ride this wave right onto the streets of Paris.

paris ride streets wave

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Get your high waters on and start selling.

selling start waters

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Can I interest you in checking out our supply, sir?

checking interest supply

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Picture yourself waking up in the morning and climbing into some cold, wet jeans.

climbing cold jeans morning picture waking

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Some wet candies for the kids? Mmm?

candies kids

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We supply the wettest flower in the West.

flower supply west

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Oatmeal ready to eat before it's even opened.

oatmeal opened ready

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Get your Chris D'Elia hair tonic.

chris hair tonic

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Perfect for your stringiest events.

events perfect

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It's peaceful out here, isn't it?

peaceful

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The wind, the birds, the thousand Asians dynamiting a mountain.

asians birds mountain thousand wind

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You know, usually men don't want

usually

↓

anything to do with me.

↓

See, my late husband and I had eight children, but 12 died at birth.

birth children died eight husband late

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The mortality rate's 140%.

mortality rates

↓

But the truth is, these past two scenes

past scenes truth

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are the most fun I've had in a while.

fun

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Me too, Lucy.

lucy

↓

Sorry, I was holding that.

holding

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I didn't want to crack my saddle.

crack saddle

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Y'all know if this is the way to the saloon?

yall

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I'm a Pinkerton agent in need of direction.

agent direction

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And once I find the saloon, I'm going in buns glazing.

buns

↓

Yippee-ki-yay, mister.

mister yippee

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I can't believe this. Lucy, you're the train robber?

believe lucy robber train

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I was sent to bring you in.

bring sent

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You don't understand.

↓

I was only doing it because of the destruction

destruction

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your bosses bone saw brought upon the soldiers.

bone bosses brought soldiers

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The stolen money was redistributed to their families.

families money stolen stolen-money

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Wait, you mean Vivienne's a bad guy?

↓

Name one movie where the good guy uses a cane.

cane movie name uses

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I don't...

↓

Uh, Michael J. Fox documentary?

documentary michael

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Who's Michael J. Fox?

michael

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Ah, you don't know him,

↓

but your great, great, great grandkids are gonna love him.

grandkids love

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I don't know about you fellas, but I'm pretty beat.

beat fellas

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Stayed up with a prostitute last night and got the full service.

full night prostitute service stayed

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- What'd you do? - Cried in her lap mostly.

cried mostly whatd

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The chicks will do anything in this town.

chicks town

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What did you get up to, Django?

↓

I rode over and said hi to the other Black guy in town.

black rode town

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Oh yeah? How's he doing?

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Not well.

↓

Where you been, Quiet?

quiet

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We spent all this time hunting for that train robber,

hunting robber spent train

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and you haven't helped one bit.

helped

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Interesting you say that. Hey, quick update.

interesting quick update

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The school mom's the bad guy, but I'm in love with her

love moms school

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and want you guys to be cool with it.

cool

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Oh, and we're registered at the wet goods store.

goods registered store

↓

We can't let you get married, Quiet.

married quiet

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You promised we were gonna have the most epic summer ever!

epic promised summer

↓

We still can. You three will be my groomsmen.

three

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Which one of us is the best man?

best

↓

Oh, it's uh... it's a friend from a high school posse.

friend posse school

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- Ah, come on. - That's

↓

Look, I'm sorry. I just...

↓

You never forget your first posse, you know?

forget posse

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You told us we were the best posse you ever had.

best posse

↓

They say possess posse,

posse

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but I can see this one's not as tight as it used to be.

ones tight used

↓

Okay, well, you know something?

↓

I think this posse stinks.

posse stinks

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Sorry. Burp. With this 5,000, we can live like kings

burp kings live

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in the most cosmopolitan city in America, Saint Louis.

america city louis saint

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So what do you need to show me?

↓

Well, I was drinking from the stream earlier,

drinking stream

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and something caught my eye.

caught

↓

Gold panning. Of course.

course gold

↓

Now there's gonna be temptation to kill each other when we find gold.

gold kill temptation

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So let's agree on a pact.

agree pact

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I'll watch your stuff here

stuff watch

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while you turn your back and start panning.

start

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Oh, and if you hear a metallic click, it's probably a twig.

click metallic twig

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I'd counsel you fellas against laying a claim to these parts

claim counsel fellas laying parts

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or may I head upstream hell bent for leather.

bent head leather

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Thank you, man without teeth. We'll bear that in mind.

bear mind teeth

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Just saying there's gold up in them up hills.

gold hills

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"Them, the?" These prospectors and their pronouns.

↓

Am I right?

↓

Oh, hey, hey, Mr. Burp.

burp

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I can't... hear you.

↓

What's that?

↓

Oh, I get it.

↓

You were making fun of my stutter,

fun stutter

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you sadistic son of a bitch!

bitch sadistic

↓

Ah! No, no! Hey, hey! No, no, stop!

↓

But you were making fun of my stutter.

fun stutter

↓

Of course I was.

course

↓

We live in an era where you can make fun of anything.

fun live

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You can make fun of and and even [bleep].

bleep fun

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And you can still call a [bleep].

bleep

↓

So say it all now before they stop you.

↓

- Before who stops you. - Mostly [bleep].

bleep mostly stops

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We know you're in there 'cause we already burned down

burned

↓

two of your previously listed addresses.

addresses listed previously

↓

But I was born in an orphanage.

born

↓

Yeah, we found out.

found

↓

Get ready to draw.

draw ready

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I put the sun in the corner.

corner

↓

Sorry, Quiet. You lit this fuse yourself.

fuse quiet

↓

So either walk away

walk

↓

or the undertaker will have a busy afternoon.

afternoon busy

↓

Sheriff West. Why are you helping us?

helping sheriff west

↓

Told you, when it comes to folks

comes folks

↓

in this here town, I ain't got no tolerance for violence.

aint tolerance town violence

↓

Plus, you laid me down a fair tip.

fair laid plus

↓

Well, thanks. Now, come on, Lucy.

lucy thanks

↓

Let's ride off to the inexplicable music

music ride

↓

from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

butch sundance

↓

Ah great. My eyes are closed.

closed eyes

↓

I don't know why that bothers me, but it does.

bothers

↓

Oh no, they're right on us.

↓

Quick, let's head for that canyon.

canyon head quick

↓

Hey, do you see that newspaper?

newspaper

↓

The Osage struck oil.

struck

↓

Boy, I hope one day an Italian tells their story.

hope italian story tells

↓

You know, I'm about fed up with these

↓

half-baked schemes of yours.

baked half schemes

↓

Oh, like you've hit so many bull's eyes.

bulls eyes

↓

I said we should do a dog show.

↓

A talking dog and you wanted to jump through hoops.

hoops jump wanted

↓

Look out, Buffalo Bill.

bill buffalo

↓

We got ourselves a first rate entertainer.

rate

↓

Wilkes Booth would have been on board.

board booth

↓

Oh yeah, he had a lot of high minded ideas.

ideas minded

↓

But now that you mention it, I'm starting to wonder

mention starting wonder

↓

if we didn't kick the wrong member out of our improv group.

group improv kick member

↓

In fact, I bet we could prop up his corpse

corpse fact prop

↓

and get a more convincing performance right now.

convincing performance

↓

You know what? That's it!

↓

Okay, let's just cool off. Take a beat.

beat cool

↓

Maybe grab a nap in our long johns that show the outlines of our packages.

grab johns packages

↓

Holy crap! Look!

holy

↓

Oh my God!

↓

After this long john nap, we're gonna be rich.

john rich

↓

It's all over, Quiet. You should just turn me in.

quiet

↓

Quick, Holiday. Gather all the glitter you can

gather glitter holiday quick

↓

to the inexplicable music from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

butch music sundance

↓

We did it, Quiet!

quiet

↓

You know, for a second there,

second

↓

I thought you were gonna turn me in.

↓

Oh good. Well, I'm sure that'll die right here and never come up again.

thatll

↓

End of the line, Burp.

burp line

↓

Oh boss? Hey, perfect timing.

boss perfect timing

↓

Look who I found.

found

↓

I know you were on the run.

↓

Ah, I was wondering why this thing kept beeping.

beeping wondering

↓

How about a duel? I win. You let us go free.

free

↓

Why would I agree to that?

agree

↓

I'm the one with the aimed gun.

aimed

↓

Okay. No. Yeah, that makes sense.

makes makes-sense sense

↓

Man, that one was really up there.

↓

Undefeated.

↓

You're safe now, Lucy. And I, for one,

lucy safe

↓

am excited to quit this life and settle down for good.

excited life quit settle

↓

Me too, Quiet.

quiet

↓

With you, I no longer feel like I'm staring

longer staring

↓

at the coals of a dwindling future.

future

↓

I have a whole life to live.

life live whole whole-life

↓

Full of experiences.

experiences full

↓

Starting with this one.

starting

↓

Oh, Lucy.

lucy

↓

Yours is the only posse I want to be in.

posse

↓

Look at this, Holiday.

holiday

↓

I've also got a lead on a shipment of ostrich feathers.

feathers lead ostrich

↓

There'll be no stopping us.

stopping therell

↓

I know. I'm glad we converted the schoolhouse to this.

converted glad

↓

I love this DJ.

love

↓

♪ Oh my darling ♪

darling

↓

♪ Oh my darling, oh my darling ♪

darling

↓

♪ Clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp ♪

clamp clamp-clamp clamp-clamp-clamp

↓

♪ Everybody dance now! ♪

dance everybody

↓

♪ Clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp ♪

clamp clamp-clamp clamp-clamp-clamp

↓

That night there were 12 ODs

night

↓

and 24 horse related drunk driving desks.

desks driving drunk horse related

↓

Folks forget the real hazard in the frontier

folks forget real

↓

laying out in disease or bullets.

bullets disease laying

↓

No, it was mostly them bisexual nightclubs.

mostly

↓

Anyway, that'll be Edith calling.

calling edith thatll

↓

I'm Wild West.

west wild wild-west

↓

And I was in this episode a lot less than you'd expect.

episode expect less

↓

♪ Clamp, clamp, clamp ♪

clamp clamp-clamp clamp-clamp-clamp

↓

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

dance everybody

↓

♪ Clamp, clamp, clamp ♪

clamp clamp-clamp clamp-clamp-clamp

↓

♪ Clamp, clamp, clamp ♪

clamp clamp-clamp clamp-clamp-clamp

↓

♪ Clamp, clamp, clamp ♪

clamp clamp-clamp clamp-clamp-clamp

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A GIF search and management tool

Giffer v260717-152121

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