Home » Family Guy » S24E10 — A Few More Ways to Die in the West

Family Guy

Season 24, Episode 10 — A Few More Ways to Die in the West

Whoa! What happened to you?

#1

⇓

It's not my fault. They put the saloon next to the salon

#2

⇓

and I got very confused.

#3

⇓

What's your name, stranger?

#4

⇓

They call me "Quiet Burp".

#5

⇓

Yeah, I've heard about you.

#6

⇓

Flush.

#7

⇓

Oh yeah? Know what a flush can't handle?

#8

⇓

Four deuces.

#9

⇓

Way to go.

#10

⇓

Something doesn't smell right about that hand.

#11

⇓

Your cards neither.

#12

⇓

You're calling me a cheat?

#13

⇓

I just don't like the feeling I'm getting plucked.

#14

⇓

Let's go. Train's leaving the station.

#15

⇓

Who's your handler, Burp?

#16

⇓

I'm Vivienne,

#17

⇓

which is a man's name back now.

#18

⇓

That's what you're telling yourself?

#19

⇓

I'm the man with no name.

#20

⇓

I got Buffalo, Burp and Wild.

#21

⇓

- But what was your name again? - Django. Unclaimed.

#22

⇓

I know you had those deuces stuffed down your pants, Burp!

#23

⇓

We could finish this conversation on a moonless night.

#24

⇓

Yeah? And what do you say we finish it now?

#25

⇓

I don't get why we're transporting your money

#26

⇓

in the first place.

#27

⇓

Why not just build your own bank?

#28

⇓

Don't lecture me on business sense.

#29

⇓

I made all my money in not sharp enough bone saws

#30

⇓

during the Civil War.

#31

⇓

Dulled the first batch of blades myself.

#32

⇓

Oh now, here's something.

#33

⇓

"Lady hanged for wearing pants."

#34

⇓

Good. One less wacko on the streets.

#35

⇓

"American West, uninhabited asterisk."

#36

⇓

I wonder what the asterisk means.

#37

⇓

Would you look at this, kid?

#38

⇓

In a few days we'll be striking it rich in the current West.

#39

⇓

Oh weird.

#40

⇓

Does this look vegetarian to you?

#41

⇓

You know, I never do this, but I'm gonna say something.

#42

⇓

I think we should be keeping a low profile.

#43

⇓

People are still pretty upset.

#44

⇓

Look, it was a mutual decision

#45

⇓

to kick John Wilkes Booth out of our improv group.

#46

⇓

Who knew he was gonna do that?

#47

⇓

I do feel kind of bad, though.

#48

⇓

Honestly, I was just glad

#49

⇓

he finally made an active choice on stage.

#50

⇓

Can I just be the first person to say I love seeing this country by train?

#51

⇓

Ah shoot.

#52

⇓

Hey, Vivienne. No biggie here.

#53

⇓

But did you need that money for anything?

#54

⇓

Hand over the money!

#55

⇓

They already got us.

#56

⇓

Oh perfect!

#57

⇓

Well, I'm really glad we stopped for lunch, Jim.

#58

⇓

Boy! 5,000 dollars bounty for catching the robber.

#59

⇓

I'm sure glad I get to form a posse with you guys.

#60

⇓

Hey, how'd you get the name Wild Joe, anyway?

#61

⇓

I once kissed a woman I wasn't engaged to.

#62

⇓

Ruined her for every other man.

#63

⇓

And I almost entered a ghost pepper challenge.

#64

⇓

Gave it a real hard thought.

#65

⇓

Hey, look at little Bobby Oppenheimer over there

#66

⇓

playing with firecrackers.

#67

⇓

Man, is there anything more common in these times than a rural Jew?

#68

⇓

All right. The bandit's trail leads to Golden Stream.

#69

⇓

But look sharp, fellas, to get there, we gotta cross through Indian territory.

#70

⇓

Look.

#71

⇓

Am I speaking with Mrs. Kowalski?

#72

⇓

- I like their long shirts. - Tell 'em.

#73

⇓

I like your long shirts.

#74

⇓

Be on the lookout for rattlers, fellas.

#75

⇓

If you get bit, the only cure is for someone to suck the poison out.

#76

⇓

Is that right?

#77

⇓

Hey, I'm just gonna go take a wavy leak by those cool sandy bushes.

#78

⇓

Letter for Quiet Burp.

#79

⇓

That's me.

#80

⇓

Oh cool. Wow.

#81

⇓

Without addresses, I spent the past nine years

#82

⇓

just asking everyone I see.

#83

⇓

Oh, it's my letter from Skidmore!

#84

⇓

Did you get in?

#85

⇓

No, it's... it's for someone else.

#86

⇓

But the guy said Quiet...

#87

⇓

They put me on the overweight list, okay?

#88

⇓

Bunch of wise guys.

#89

⇓

If you need me, I'll be binge watching the campfire.

#90

⇓

That'll show 'em.

#91

⇓

Separating those carpetbaggers from their money.

#92

⇓

Huh, and their Tucks Medicated pads, too.

#93

⇓

Guys, we got a problem.

#94

⇓

Somebody dip some palm fronds in the creek

#95

⇓

and stuff them through the crescent moon hole.

#96

⇓

All right. The tracks have stopped.

#97

⇓

So the guy's gotta be around here somewhere.

#98

⇓

Hey, hey, you guys see that?

#99

⇓

I, I may go in just as a joke.

#100

⇓

I may... join you just as a joke.

#101

⇓

All right. I'll see you guys inside.

#102

⇓

Hey, and to think this horse saved me when someone was gonna put me down.

#103

⇓

I wouldn't worry over cinching them knots too tight.

#104

⇓

Named Sheriff West.

#105

⇓

Okay, I am obsessed with your coat.

#106

⇓

Will you stop saying that to everyone we meet?

#107

⇓

You fellas ain't the first hired guns to blow into my town.

#108

⇓

So you got any notions of stirring up trouble?

#109

⇓

You snuff that lantern out now.

#110

⇓

Take a step out of line.

#111

⇓

The next one will be on to the scaffold.

#112

⇓

Don't take much to earn tickets to a necktie social.

#113

⇓

Do you have these written down somewhere?

#114

⇓

Of course, if you prefer,

#115

⇓

we could just head on down to the marshal's.

#116

⇓

They got just about everything you need so long as it's from the brand Nautica.

#117

⇓

All the envelopes are sealed.

#118

⇓

Hey, buddy. Is that your schoolhouse teacher?

#119

⇓

School house?

#120

⇓

This is Arizona State University.

#121

⇓

Yeah? Any idea whose sheets she's hanging?

#122

⇓

Her husband died in childbirth.

#123

⇓

His picture is in that locket.

#124

⇓

Oh, it's huge. She likes fat guys.

#125

⇓

Well, actually, word is

#126

⇓

the pictures of the piece he was swinging.

#127

⇓

I see. Well, maybe we could still be really good friends.

#128

⇓

Hey, there. Name is Quiet Burp.

#129

⇓

A-ha. Nice to meet you.

#130

⇓

I'm the "hair blowing in the wind school mom", Lucy Stools.

#131

⇓

You know, I'd love to learn more about Golden Stream.

#132

⇓

Would you be up for dinner?

#133

⇓

Oh, well, it's nice of an armed stranger to wander into

#134

⇓

an active classroom to ask me this.

#135

⇓

How about 6:30?

#136

⇓

Perfect. And hey, maybe we could go dancing after.

#137

⇓

I haven't been in forever.

#138

⇓

I wish there was a way to dance that didn't involve this.

#139

⇓

All right, decent crowd.

#140

⇓

Now let's go through our warm ups.

#141

⇓

Say it with me. "Cute cowboys come quick.

#142

⇓

Cute cowboys come quick."

#143

⇓

What are we even performing?

#144

⇓

Well, if there's one thing freezing grizzled cowboys want, see,

#145

⇓

it's a Shakespearean drama.

#146

⇓

So I give you... Richard the third.

#147

⇓

Now, during my full frontal scene, I want you to remain calm.

#148

⇓

Because if I see you getting nervous, then I'll get nervous.

#149

⇓

Which scene does he get nude in?

#150

⇓

I don't know. It's one of the castle ones, I think.

#151

⇓

I don't know. Now, come on!

#152

⇓

Let's show these cowboys and Indians what they're fighting for.

#153

⇓

"Shine out fair sun till I have bought a glass

#154

⇓

so that I may see my shadow as I pass."

#155

⇓

Shoot. We're losing them.

#156

⇓

Maybe we try a little improv.

#157

⇓

Okay. Okay.

#158

⇓

- Um, I need a location. - Yellowstone.

#159

⇓

- Occupation. - Yellowstone rancher.

#160

⇓

Can I hear from anyone else, please?

#161

⇓

- Need a little red meat here. - A barrel maker.

#162

⇓

There's some fertile ground.

#163

⇓

- I see why you mentioned it. - One barrel, please, sir.

#164

⇓

Damn it, Dog Holiday! Don't play along with them.

#165

⇓

We just want to see programs about Yellowstone.

#166

⇓

Can be way before right now,

#167

⇓

soared and near right now or in the future.

#168

⇓

As long as it's a year plus Yellowstone.

#169

⇓

Fine. This is Yellowstone 1471.

#170

⇓

And in Yellowstone there's a naked king.

#171

⇓

I think I owe John Wilkes Booth an apology for his improv skills.

#172

⇓

How do we bomb harder than the minstrel performers?

#173

⇓

I can think of only one thing that will save us.

#174

⇓

Here's my impression of James A. Garfield.

#175

⇓

I am James A. Garfield.

#176

⇓

I like lasagna and I hate Mondays.

#177

⇓

His impression is helped by none of us ever having heard his voice.

#178

⇓

I bet he sounds like that, though.

#179

⇓

Tonight's special is a souffle and a filet mignon.

#180

⇓

Sorry. These words just got here.

#181

⇓

I thought you were the Sheriff.

#182

⇓

Lot of jobs, not enough people.

#183

⇓

I'm trying to avoid glutton.

#184

⇓

And I told you I didn't want any trouble.

#185

⇓

So were you in the Civil War?

#186

⇓

Yeah, I fought for the middle.

#187

⇓

A couple of days in, I found a two sided uniform.

#188

⇓

Oh, still wearing it, wow.

#189

⇓

Eventually, both sides caught on.

#190

⇓

So I survived by hiding under a pile of bodies.

#191

⇓

For four years ate nothing but dead butts.

#192

⇓

Oh, well, I'm glad you made it out.

#193

⇓

Yeah, it was either that or live in Atlanta as a woman.

#194

⇓

But I'm a different person now.

#195

⇓

I wish I'd experienced more when I was younger.

#196

⇓

And look at me now. A widow.

#197

⇓

I mean, my students don't even respect me.

#198

⇓

I would have loved having you as a teacher.

#199

⇓

You're smart, pretty and I don't know.

#200

⇓

Seeing you today, I felt more than I have in a while.

#201

⇓

That's funny. I felt the same spark with you, too.

#202

⇓

Madeline? From Atlanta?

#203

⇓

No, no, that is no longer my truth.

#204

⇓

All we need is a little costume repair.

#205

⇓

Find our opening. Let's see.

#206

⇓

Livery stable, brothel, three dry goods stores.

#207

⇓

Wait a minute. That's it!

#208

⇓

It's the ultimate zag holiday.

#209

⇓

We'll ride this wave right onto the streets of Paris.

#210

⇓

Get your high waters on and start selling.

#211

⇓

Can I interest you in checking out our supply, sir?

#212

⇓

Picture yourself waking up in the morning and climbing into some cold, wet jeans.

#213

⇓

Some wet candies for the kids? Mmm?

#214

⇓

We supply the wettest flower in the West.

#215

⇓

Oatmeal ready to eat before it's even opened.

#216

⇓

Get your Chris D'Elia hair tonic.

#217

⇓

Perfect for your stringiest events.

#218

⇓

It's peaceful out here, isn't it?

#219

⇓

The wind, the birds, the thousand Asians dynamiting a mountain.

#220

⇓

You know, usually men don't want

#221

⇓

anything to do with me.

#222

⇓

See, my late husband and I had eight children, but 12 died at birth.

#223

⇓

The mortality rate's 140%.

#224

⇓

But the truth is, these past two scenes

#225

⇓

are the most fun I've had in a while.

#226

⇓

Me too, Lucy.

#227

⇓

Sorry, I was holding that.

#228

⇓

I didn't want to crack my saddle.

#229

⇓

Y'all know if this is the way to the saloon?

#230

⇓

I'm a Pinkerton agent in need of direction.

#231

⇓

And once I find the saloon, I'm going in buns glazing.

#232

⇓

Yippee-ki-yay, mister.

#233

⇓

I can't believe this. Lucy, you're the train robber?

#234

⇓

I was sent to bring you in.

#235

⇓

You don't understand.

#236

⇓

I was only doing it because of the destruction

#237

⇓

your bosses bone saw brought upon the soldiers.

#238

⇓

The stolen money was redistributed to their families.

#239

⇓

Wait, you mean Vivienne's a bad guy?

#240

⇓

Name one movie where the good guy uses a cane.

#241

⇓

I don't...

#242

⇓

Uh, Michael J. Fox documentary?

#243

⇓

Who's Michael J. Fox?

#244

⇓

Ah, you don't know him,

#245

⇓

but your great, great, great grandkids are gonna love him.

#246

⇓

I don't know about you fellas, but I'm pretty beat.

#247

⇓

Stayed up with a prostitute last night and got the full service.

#248

⇓

- What'd you do? - Cried in her lap mostly.

#249

⇓

The chicks will do anything in this town.

#250

⇓

What did you get up to, Django?

#251

⇓

I rode over and said hi to the other Black guy in town.

#252

⇓

Oh yeah? How's he doing?

#253

⇓

Not well.

#254

⇓

Where you been, Quiet?

#255

⇓

We spent all this time hunting for that train robber,

#256

⇓

and you haven't helped one bit.

#257

⇓

Interesting you say that. Hey, quick update.

#258

⇓

The school mom's the bad guy, but I'm in love with her

#259

⇓

and want you guys to be cool with it.

#260

⇓

Oh, and we're registered at the wet goods store.

#261

⇓

We can't let you get married, Quiet.

#262

⇓

You promised we were gonna have the most epic summer ever!

#263

⇓

We still can. You three will be my groomsmen.

#264

⇓

Which one of us is the best man?

#265

⇓

Oh, it's uh... it's a friend from a high school posse.

#266

⇓

- Ah, come on. - That's

#267

⇓

Look, I'm sorry. I just...

#268

⇓

You never forget your first posse, you know?

#269

⇓

You told us we were the best posse you ever had.

#270

⇓

They say possess posse,

#271

⇓

but I can see this one's not as tight as it used to be.

#272

⇓

Okay, well, you know something?

#273

⇓

I think this posse stinks.

#274

⇓

Sorry. Burp. With this 5,000, we can live like kings

#275

⇓

in the most cosmopolitan city in America, Saint Louis.

#276

⇓

So what do you need to show me?

#277

⇓

Well, I was drinking from the stream earlier,

#278

⇓

and something caught my eye.

#279

⇓

Gold panning. Of course.

#280

⇓

Now there's gonna be temptation to kill each other when we find gold.

#281

⇓

So let's agree on a pact.

#282

⇓

I'll watch your stuff here

#283

⇓

while you turn your back and start panning.

#284

⇓

Oh, and if you hear a metallic click, it's probably a twig.

#285

⇓

I'd counsel you fellas against laying a claim to these parts

#286

⇓

or may I head upstream hell bent for leather.

#287

⇓

Thank you, man without teeth. We'll bear that in mind.

#288

⇓

Just saying there's gold up in them up hills.

#289

⇓

"Them, the?" These prospectors and their pronouns.

#290

⇓

Am I right?

#291

⇓

Oh, hey, hey, Mr. Burp.

#292

⇓

I can't... hear you.

#293

⇓

What's that?

#294

⇓

Oh, I get it.

#295

⇓

You were making fun of my stutter,

#296

⇓

you sadistic son of a bitch!

#297

⇓

Ah! No, no! Hey, hey! No, no, stop!

#298

⇓

But you were making fun of my stutter.

#299

⇓

Of course I was.

#300

⇓

We live in an era where you can make fun of anything.

#301

⇓

You can make fun of and and even [bleep].

#302

⇓

And you can still call a [bleep].

#303

⇓

So say it all now before they stop you.

#304

⇓

- Before who stops you. - Mostly [bleep].

#305

⇓

We know you're in there 'cause we already burned down

#306

⇓

two of your previously listed addresses.

#307

⇓

But I was born in an orphanage.

#308

⇓

Yeah, we found out.

#309

⇓

Get ready to draw.

#310

⇓

I put the sun in the corner.

#311

⇓

Sorry, Quiet. You lit this fuse yourself.

#312

⇓

So either walk away

#313

⇓

or the undertaker will have a busy afternoon.

#314

⇓

Sheriff West. Why are you helping us?

#315

⇓

Told you, when it comes to folks

#316

⇓

in this here town, I ain't got no tolerance for violence.

#317

⇓

Plus, you laid me down a fair tip.

#318

⇓

Well, thanks. Now, come on, Lucy.

#319

⇓

Let's ride off to the inexplicable music

#320

⇓

from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

#321

⇓

Ah great. My eyes are closed.

#322

⇓

I don't know why that bothers me, but it does.

#323

⇓

Oh no, they're right on us.

#324

⇓

Quick, let's head for that canyon.

#325

⇓

Hey, do you see that newspaper?

#326

⇓

The Osage struck oil.

#327

⇓

Boy, I hope one day an Italian tells their story.

#328

⇓

You know, I'm about fed up with these

#329

⇓

half-baked schemes of yours.

#330

⇓

Oh, like you've hit so many bull's eyes.

#331

⇓

I said we should do a dog show.

#332

⇓

A talking dog and you wanted to jump through hoops.

#333

⇓

Look out, Buffalo Bill.

#334

⇓

We got ourselves a first rate entertainer.

#335

⇓

Wilkes Booth would have been on board.

#336

⇓

Oh yeah, he had a lot of high minded ideas.

#337

⇓

But now that you mention it, I'm starting to wonder

#338

⇓

if we didn't kick the wrong member out of our improv group.

#339

⇓

In fact, I bet we could prop up his corpse

#340

⇓

and get a more convincing performance right now.

#341

⇓

You know what? That's it!

#342

⇓

Okay, let's just cool off. Take a beat.

#343

⇓

Maybe grab a nap in our long johns that show the outlines of our packages.

#344

⇓

Holy crap! Look!

#345

⇓

Oh my God!

#346

⇓

After this long john nap, we're gonna be rich.

#347

⇓

It's all over, Quiet. You should just turn me in.

#348

⇓

Quick, Holiday. Gather all the glitter you can

#349

⇓

to the inexplicable music from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

#350

⇓

We did it, Quiet!

#351

⇓

You know, for a second there,

#352

⇓

I thought you were gonna turn me in.

#353

⇓

Oh good. Well, I'm sure that'll die right here and never come up again.

#354

⇓

End of the line, Burp.

#355

⇓

Oh boss? Hey, perfect timing.

#356

⇓

Look who I found.

#357

⇓

I know you were on the run.

#358

⇓

Ah, I was wondering why this thing kept beeping.

#359

⇓

How about a duel? I win. You let us go free.

#360

⇓

Why would I agree to that?

#361

⇓

I'm the one with the aimed gun.

#362

⇓

Okay. No. Yeah, that makes sense.

#363

⇓

Man, that one was really up there.

#364

⇓

Undefeated.

#365

⇓

You're safe now, Lucy. And I, for one,

#366

⇓

am excited to quit this life and settle down for good.

#367

⇓

Me too, Quiet.

#368

⇓

With you, I no longer feel like I'm staring

#369

⇓

at the coals of a dwindling future.

#370

⇓

I have a whole life to live.

#371

⇓

Full of experiences.

#372

⇓

Starting with this one.

#373

⇓

Oh, Lucy.

#374

⇓

Yours is the only posse I want to be in.

#375

⇓

Look at this, Holiday.

#376

⇓

I've also got a lead on a shipment of ostrich feathers.

#377

⇓

There'll be no stopping us.

#378

⇓

I know. I'm glad we converted the schoolhouse to this.

#379

⇓

I love this DJ.

#380

⇓

♪ Oh my darling ♪

#381

⇓

♪ Oh my darling, oh my darling ♪

#382

⇓

♪ Clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp ♪

#383

⇓

♪ Everybody dance now! ♪

#384

⇓

♪ Clamp, clamp, clamp, clamp ♪

#385

⇓

That night there were 12 ODs

#386

⇓

and 24 horse related drunk driving desks.

#387

⇓

Folks forget the real hazard in the frontier

#388

⇓

laying out in disease or bullets.

#389

⇓

No, it was mostly them bisexual nightclubs.

#390

⇓

Anyway, that'll be Edith calling.

#391

⇓

I'm Wild West.

#392

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And I was in this episode a lot less than you'd expect.

#393

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♪ Clamp, clamp, clamp ♪

#394

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♪ Everybody dance now ♪

#395

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♪ Clamp, clamp, clamp ♪

#396

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♪ Clamp, clamp, clamp ♪

#397

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♪ Clamp, clamp, clamp ♪

#398

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