Home » Family Guy » S24E09 — Phony Montana

Family Guy

Season 24, Episode 9 — Phony Montana

♪ It seems today That all you see ♪

#1

⇓

♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪

#2

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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

#3

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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

#4

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

#5

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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

#6

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♪ All the things That make us ♪

#7

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♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

#8

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[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

#9

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You see this crap about Ron DeSantis?

#10

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He's sending a bus full of migrants from Florida up to Quahog.

#11

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And I don't like it.

#12

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Immigrants are trying to take jobs away from hardworking Americans like me.

#13

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You faked Covid five times this month.

#14

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Huh. They're having a rally tomorrow to welcome them here.

#15

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I'm gonna go down there and see what's really going on.

#16

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Have fun with the other unemployed, bleeding hearts.

#17

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Peter, are you gonna do the dishes you said you'd do?

#18

⇓

Ugh! Can't we get an immigrant for that already?

#19

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Where do you think you're going?

#20

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Boar's Head is unveiling a new cold cut,

#21

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and me and the guys won tickets.

#22

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So far, they've only released a silhouette of the meat.

#23

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I threw $100 on bison.

#24

⇓

-Never know. -Peter, We have dinner

#25

⇓

with Crystal and Clay tonight.

#26

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We talked about this yesterday.

#27

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Lois, was yesterday a hard alcohol day?

#28

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[sighs] Yes.

#29

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And do I typically remember things you say to me when I drink hard alcohol?

#30

⇓

-No. -Then why...

#31

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I forget. I had hard alcohol today.

#32

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How do we even know these people?

#33

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No idea.

#34

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I have rescheduled this so many times,

#35

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I can't remember who they are.

#36

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-Lois. -Hey, you guys. Ha.

#37

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You know, I just want to get this out of the way.

#38

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I am completely blanking on how we met.

#39

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Oh! Thank God.

#40

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Me, too!

#41

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But it doesn't matter.

#42

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We're here now.

#43

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You weren't the one who got in a fistfight in my yoga class, were you?

#44

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[chuckles nervously] No, it wasn't me.

#45

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I'm sure whoever it was had her reasons.

#46

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Like maybe that bitch shouldn't have run her bitch mouth.

#47

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I don't know. I wasn't there.

#48

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Hey, Peter, I'm Clay.

#49

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Listen, I don't want to sound like a fanboy,

#50

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but did I hear you work at Pawtucket Pat?

#51

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Yeah. Why?

#52

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That's maybe, like, the coolest job

#53

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I've ever heard of anyone having.

#54

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-It... It is? -Dude! Yes!

#55

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You gotta tell me what it's like to work there.

#56

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Lois. This guy is legit like a rock star to me.

#57

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See, Lois, I told you I ain't just some bum.

#58

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You don't like football by any chance, do you, Peter?

#59

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[gasps] Lois, I'm gonna be over here with Clay.

#60

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Well, look who came around.

#61

⇓

Maybe we should all hang out more often.

#62

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I'm in. We're always in the market for some cool friends.

#63

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Oh, us, too. Remember those weirdos we hung out with last week?

#64

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You know, honey, you could at least make a guess.

#65

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I don't make a guess until you give me credit card info.

#66

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Maybe let's not talk about the arrangement in front of friends, okay?

#67

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-What do we want? -[in Spanish] No hablo ingles.

#68

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-When do we want it? -[in Spanish] No hablo ingles.

#69

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Hi, there. This is gonna sound like I'm just here for the food,

#70

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but the Instagram post said there'd be food.

#71

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Oh, I'm sorry. We just ran out.

#72

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That's fine. I'm Brian, dog guy.

#73

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Hello, Brian, the dog guy. I'm Carmen.

#74

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Nice to meet you.

#75

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You know, immigrants are kind of like dogs to me.

#76

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-Excuse me. -Oh, no, no, I wasn't...

#77

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I mean, we're separated from our families, put in cages,

#78

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and all you can do is hope there's a group of nice people somewhere

#79

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-willing to share their home with you. -I see what you mean.

#80

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-So where are you from? -I'm from Cuba.

#81

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Oh, nice. You guys got elephants and stuff, right?

#82

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I think you're thinking of Africa.

#83

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No, I think, uh... Pretty sure.

#84

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Yeah, whatever.

#85

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Listen, I'm volunteering today, so I have to go help out.

#86

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Look, I don't normally do this.

#87

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But is there any chance we could go out sometime?

#88

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I'm so sorry.

#89

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You seem great, but I just agreed to go out with that guy.

#90

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[man grunts]

#91

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Actually, never mind. I'm free.

#92

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If you want, I'm going to the Havana Club tonight at six.

#93

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-You should come. -Okay, I'll be there.

#94

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Thanks.

#95

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[sighs] America at work.

#96

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Immigrants, liberals, conservatives,

#97

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and the one guy with absolutely no idea what's going on here today.

#98

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What's going on here? Some kind of festival?

#99

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[♪ chorus singing]

#100

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I stay out of politics.

#101

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[♪ upbeat salsa music playing]

#102

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Hey, there you are.

#103

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-Oh, you made it! -Allowed to smoke in here, huh?

#104

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Gosh, you really look incredible.

#105

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Oh, thank you.

#106

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I got here early so we could be in the horn section.

#107

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S-Sorry, you said "in the horn section"?

#108

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[blaring]

#109

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Is it too loud for you?

#110

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I know dogs have very sensitive hearing.

#111

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No, no, this is-- this is great.

#112

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Do you like for horns to be louder?

#113

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No, no, no. That's, that's okay.

#114

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You like for horns to be louder.

#115

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[deafening]

#116

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They played this at my mother's funeral.

#117

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Man, you really missed out on the Boar's Head event, Peter.

#118

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Joe even got some chick's number.

#119

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Hospice nurse. I, uh, I gotta have a talk with you guys at some point.

#120

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Why'd you bail, Peter?

#121

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Lois had a dinner scheduled with another couple.

#122

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That's so lame. I hate that stuff.

#123

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You know what? I just said that to sound cool.

#124

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I enjoy meeting new people.

#125

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I usually hate it, too. But these guys were fun.

#126

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-Clay and Crystal something. -[gasps]

#127

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-Oh, boy. -What?

#128

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-Crystal and Clay Duffy? -Yeah. So what?

#129

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Peter, those guys... How do I say this?

#130

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...engage in inter-relationship coitus on the reg.

#131

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-Huh? -They're swingers,

#132

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like the biggest in town.

#133

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-They try with everyone. -Big time!

#134

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They tried that with me and Bon.

#135

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I stayed out in the car.

#136

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Bon went in for a few hours to talk to them about it.

#137

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That never happened again,

#138

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uh... except for a couple weeks later...

#139

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[sighs despondently] One other time, I guess.

#140

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Hey, how was the date?

#141

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The date was awesome, but that Cuban place

#142

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was so loud and there was cigar smoke everywhere.

#143

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I feel like I'm getting a migraine or something. I just...

#144

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[Stewie] Brian!

#145

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Brian! Oh, thank God.

#146

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-Are you okay? -[in Cuban accent] Yeah, I'm good man.

#147

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Just, uh... Just give it a little space, okay?

#148

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-What? -What?

#149

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You got diaper cream in your ears?

#150

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I said back up, baby.

#151

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Why are you talking like Scarface?

#152

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I... I don't know, man. I just opened my mouth,

#153

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and this is the voice that comes out, you know?

#154

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And when I open my mouth, blood comes out.

#155

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Okay. Again, Chris, that's not funny.

#156

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What Brian's doing is funny.

#157

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When we pass on an idea, you really need to move on.

#158

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[stomach grumbles]

#159

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I'm starting to get a little hungry.

#160

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Do you think you could get, like, an English muffin or something?

#161

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I really like the nooks and crannies, man.

#162

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So, what do you think, doc?

#163

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How come I wake up sounding like this?

#164

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Well, it's unusual, but this is a very real thing.

#165

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Google it. It's called Foreign Accent Syndrome.

#166

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It's usually brought on by some kind of trauma to the brain.

#167

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I'm guessing that migraine scrambled you all up.

#168

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So this is like an actual disorder?

#169

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Yeah, I saw it on 60 Minutes.

#170

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They had on this English lady that woke up sounding Chinese.

#171

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But everyone gets all pissed if I do it.

#172

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You know, I wonder if you sound that way

#173

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because you were around all those Cuban people at the club.

#174

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Oye, Stewie! Carmen says she's gonna come by the hospital.

#175

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She can't hear me sound like this.

#176

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She's gonna think I'm making fun of her.

#177

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All right, Just relax. Maybe we can--

#178

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Brian, how are you doing?

#179

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I came as soon as I heard.

#180

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-[Brian grunts] -Sorry. He's not talking yet.

#181

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Aww! My poor little guy.

#182

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You don't need to say a word.

#183

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You just relax.

#184

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-Doctor. -[exasperated] What?

#185

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Do you think it's worth checking him for, like, a stroke or brain cancer?

#186

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Come on, man. It's 4:45.

#187

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So you'll never guess what the guys had to say about Clay and Crystal.

#188

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Apparently, they're like major swingers.

#189

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What? [laughs] No, that's ridiculous.

#190

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Seriously, all three of them said they tried stuff with them.

#191

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Well, now this is weird.

#192

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We're seeing them again tomorrow night.

#193

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I mean, do we cancel?

#194

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I don't think so.

#195

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We had fun with them.

#196

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Who cares what they do in their private lives?

#197

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But what do we do if they try something with us?

#198

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Well, obviously, we say no.

#199

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Obviously, that's not us.

#200

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No, we'd never do anything like that.

#201

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We don't have to. What we have is great.

#202

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The best. [chuckles]

#203

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I mean, would it be nice to be asked?

#204

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-Sure. -Sure. Right.

#205

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It'd be nice to know we're at least in the pool of consideration.

#206

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It'd be great to be in the pool.

#207

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I think I'm going to get a facial tomorrow.

#208

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Not because of this, but because I need one.

#209

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Totally. And I gotta buy deodorant.

#210

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Not because of this, but because mine's all the way

#211

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down to the plastic. Thing's like a cheese grater.

#212

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You've got a lot of nice things in this room.

#213

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Purple octopus.

#214

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I ain't never had no purple octopus. Time machine.

#215

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Hey, what, you gonna impact the past or something, man?

#216

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Disrupt the space-time continuum?

#217

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All right, stop just riffing on things you see.

#218

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Now, if you're going to continue seeing Carmen,

#219

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we've got to try and get your speaking voice back.

#220

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Try to repeat exactly what I say.

#221

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"It's really nice to see you again, Carmen."

#222

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It's nice to be here with you, baby.

#223

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You're gonna get humped like you wouldn't believe tonight.

#224

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Okay, not quite there.

#225

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"So, Carmen, do you have any pets?"

#226

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I seen a mouse this one time. Thing was crazy, bro.

#227

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Running all around with a little tail moving side to side.

#228

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I thought that thing was gonna bite me, man.

#229

⇓

Can you guys keep it down in here?

#230

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-Sorry. We were just trying to-- -I don't need to know why.

#231

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I just need you to shut up.

#232

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Hey, that's your flesh and blood, man.

#233

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-You don't talk to him like that. -I'm sorry.

#234

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Next time I hear you talk that way, I'm gonna kick you so hard,

#235

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your big ass gonna land in Saskatchewan.

#236

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Mom! Brian said I have a big ass in a Scarface voice.

#237

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Well, that was yet another fantastic evening with you two.

#238

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Totally. Always love a little time with the Griffs.

#239

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So, um, what, uh...

#240

⇓

What now? Do we keep her going?

#241

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Yeah. What's the, uh... What's the old game plan-a-rino?

#242

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Oh! You know, I think I'm done for the night.

#243

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Oh, come on! It's only nine o'clock.

#244

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I mean, I'm up for a little fun. Oh! [chuckles nervously]

#245

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Next time. I'm a little zonked, too.

#246

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Great to see you again, Peter.

#247

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Oh, no, I think we've leveled up to hugs.

#248

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Get in here, you.

#249

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[chuckles nervously] Okay.

#250

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We'll see you guys again soon.

#251

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Swingers, my ass.

#252

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Maybe they're just not into us.

#253

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Uh, no. If anything, it's us that's not into them.

#254

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Yeah, they'd be lucky to get us, but we're not that type of people.

#255

⇓

Ew! No!

#256

⇓

Ew, like what even is that life?

#257

⇓

Sad is what it is.

#258

⇓

Doing it in weird places.

#259

⇓

Just having sex with every couple they meet.

#260

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Well, every couple except us.

#261

⇓

Except us.

#262

⇓

Why not us?

#263

⇓

-Where are you going? -They left their cornbread.

#264

⇓

Hopefully they didn't clear the table yet.

#265

⇓

Hold that door, please.

#266

⇓

Just try not to talk too much.

#267

⇓

You're gonna get us beat up with that accent you're doing.

#268

⇓

It's so weird, man.

#269

⇓

In my mind, it sounds like I'm just talking regular

#270

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and outside, I end up sounding like some kind of big banana head.

#271

⇓

-Hot chocolate for Brain. -You say "Brain?"

#272

⇓

Do you know anyone named "Brain?"

#273

⇓

It's Brian! As in Dennehy, Cranston and Cox.

#274

⇓

I'm sorry, sir.

#275

⇓

That guy's got matcha powder in his ears or something.

#276

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A lot of stuff in people's ears today.

#277

⇓

[cell phone ringing]

#278

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Oh, crap, man. It's Carmen.

#279

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I keep avoiding her calls.

#280

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I don't want her to think I'm mocking her, you know.

#281

⇓

Brian, you have to answer. She's going to think you're not into her anymore.

#282

⇓

[in high-pitched voice] Hello? Brian's phone.

#283

⇓

This is Miss Penny Apple, Brian's assistant.

#284

⇓

We dated for a little while,

#285

⇓

but we disclosed it to HR, so it was all aboveboard.

#286

⇓

[grunts] Anyway, I ended it after he got physical.

#287

⇓

Oh, that sounds lovely.

#288

⇓

He'll be there. Bye, dear.

#289

⇓

-Well? -[in normal voice] Her cousin's

#290

⇓

getting married Saturday, and she wants to bring you as her date.

#291

⇓

What? Her whole family is going to think

#292

⇓

I'm making fun of their accents.

#293

⇓

There's no way I can go.

#294

⇓

She said Jenna Ortega is going to be there.

#295

⇓

Buenas noches!

#296

⇓

[announcer] We'll be back with more...

#297

⇓

[announcer reading]

#298

⇓

...after this.

#299

⇓

So what you think?

#300

⇓

How am I gonna go to this wedding sounding like this?

#301

⇓

Yeah, we sure don't want a repeat of what you did to Cleveland yesterday.

#302

⇓

Hey, mailman!

#303

⇓

No more putting the paper in the little slot in my house, eh?

#304

⇓

The sound wakes me up from my doggy naps.

#305

⇓

No, no, no, no, no, no!

#306

⇓

I'm not even the courier for your postal route.

#307

⇓

That's Laverne!

#308

⇓

Those people are absolute weirdos.

#309

⇓

They call themselves swingers.

#310

⇓

Two whole dinners and not even an elbow brush on the boob.

#311

⇓

Not that we would even

#312

⇓

-do anything anyway. -Of course not.

#313

⇓

I mean, not that any of this matters because we're normal people.

#314

⇓

That being said, it would be nice to be asked.

#315

⇓

It would be nice to be freaking asked.

#316

⇓

Maybe they're waiting for a third night with us.

#317

⇓

-What do you mean? -Well, in the dating world,

#318

⇓

three dates usually mean sex is on the table.

#319

⇓

Oh, I see.

#320

⇓

So, this is all just part of the dance, huh?

#321

⇓

They're trying to see

#322

⇓

-if we're actually into them. -Which we're not.

#323

⇓

-No. -It's got to be that.

#324

⇓

All right, I'm texting them.

#325

⇓

Now? Won't that look desperate?

#326

⇓

Desperate? They're the ones trying to swing with us.

#327

⇓

To which we'll promptly say no.

#328

⇓

Moment it happens, without hesitation,

#329

⇓

-we shut it down. -Shut it down.

#330

⇓

-[message tone plays] -We're in.

#331

⇓

-Dinner at their house tomorrow night. -Oh, at their house?

#332

⇓

Could they be any more obvious about it?

#333

⇓

Yeah. Be a little artful about it, guys.

#334

⇓

So, first time I'm seeing that.

#335

⇓

I can't say I like it.

#336

⇓

I can't believe you got me in this mess, man.

#337

⇓

I got, like, butterflies in my stomach.

#338

⇓

I can feel 'em all flapping around, you know?

#339

⇓

You have nothing to worry about.

#340

⇓

I've developed an AI voice modulator

#341

⇓

to match your natural speaking voice. Here, put this on.

#342

⇓

-You think this thing's gonna work, man? -[modulator beeps]

#343

⇓

[in normal voice] I don't want to upset Carmen.

#344

⇓

Oh, hey, wow! It's me again.

#345

⇓

-Testing. One, two, three. -[beeps]

#346

⇓

[in Cuban accent] I will break your freaking head open, man.

#347

⇓

-[beeps] -[in normal voice] Testing, 1, 2, 3.

#348

⇓

Great. It works. And I'll be in your ear

#349

⇓

the whole time in case anything goes wrong.

#350

⇓

-So don't worry. -[modulator beeps]

#351

⇓

It is nice to see you again, Carmen.

#352

⇓

I am enjoying your company tonight.

#353

⇓

Olive Garden Summer Nights are back.

#354

⇓

[in Cuban accent] Hey, wait! What the hell was that?

#355

⇓

Oh, yeah, the software has ads sometimes.

#356

⇓

Ads? What do you mean, ads?

#357

⇓

They want 13 bucks a month now for premium. Deal with it.

#358

⇓

-[all laughing] -Brian. There you are.

#359

⇓

I'd like you to meet my mother and father.

#360

⇓

[Stewie, over earpiece] Play it cool. You got this?

#361

⇓

It's nice to meet you, Brian.

#362

⇓

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Perez.

#363

⇓

What a beautiful night for a wedding.

#364

⇓

Carmen tells me you are a writer.

#365

⇓

I enjoy putting pen to paper and allowing my heart to do the rest.

#366

⇓

If you or someone you love has been injured in a work accident,

#367

⇓

it's time to call Feinstein and Forlizzi, PC.

#368

⇓

Thank you, Brian. I will keep this, uh, Feinstein in mind.

#369

⇓

-Don't forget Forlizzi. -[all laugh]

#370

⇓

[Stewie] See? I told you it would work.

#371

⇓

Thanks. I appreciate it.

#372

⇓

Ugh! The Postmates guy forgot the ketchup.

#373

⇓

Hey, buddy, I think you forgot the ketchup.

#374

⇓

[man] Oh, I'm sorry, man. I gotta go pick up my kid from camp.

#375

⇓

[Stewie] Tell him he's gonna be there for a bit.

#376

⇓

It's your job. I don't know what to tell you.

#377

⇓

[doorbell dings]

#378

⇓

Did you take a Harry Potter patch off that blazer before you put it on?

#379

⇓

Yeah. Only thing is, they're not gonna know I'm a Ravenclaw.

#380

⇓

That should be fine. Right?

#381

⇓

Hey, good to see you.

#382

⇓

We felt bad about how things ended the other night,

#383

⇓

so thought we could have a do over.

#384

⇓

I'm a Ravenclaw, by the way.

#385

⇓

You guys look nice.

#386

⇓

You didn't have to get all dressed up.

#387

⇓

This is a sweat suit from Target.

#388

⇓

A very sexy sweat suit, I might add.

#389

⇓

Wow, Great house.

#390

⇓

Are these the original hardwoods?

#391

⇓

I'm a huge hardwood guy,

#392

⇓

you know what I mean, Crystal?

#393

⇓

Oh, this is a big comfy couch. [laughs coyly]

#394

⇓

What do you say we I don't know, hang out,

#395

⇓

put on some Natalie Imbrog... Imbrug...

#396

⇓

The chick who sings "Torn."

#397

⇓

Uh, yeah. Yeah. Maybe.

#398

⇓

Warm tonight, isn't it?

#399

⇓

Guys, what's going on here? You're acting really weird.

#400

⇓

What? Aren't you guys swingers?

#401

⇓

We like to have fun, yeah, but we don't do it with everyone.

#402

⇓

Then, then what? What's wrong with us?

#403

⇓

Don't take it so personally.

#404

⇓

Every pair of swingers has one flaccid friendship.

#405

⇓

Yeah, you know, just kind of a meat and potatoes couple

#406

⇓

you go bowling with once in a while.

#407

⇓

We just like hanging out with you guys as friends.

#408

⇓

I don't even know what you're talking about,

#409

⇓

but we don't want to be anything more than friends with you guys.

#410

⇓

Maybe it's best we just call it a night.

#411

⇓

Please. I'll pay for it. How much to make it happen right now?

#412

⇓

-Touch it. -Oh, would you stop it already?

#413

⇓

They probably don't want us because you come off so desperate.

#414

⇓

Me? You're practically draping yourself all over 'em.

#415

⇓

Because I'm the candy here, Peter.

#416

⇓

If there's any chance of this happening, it's because of me.

#417

⇓

You're nothing. You hear me? Nothing.

#418

⇓

[both growling menacingly]

#419

⇓

[both moaning]

#420

⇓

[dog barking]

#421

⇓

Well, we didn't swing, but we did have violent sex in front of another couple.

#422

⇓

There'll be a little asterisk in the record books,

#423

⇓

but it still kind of counts.

#424

⇓

Their dog was barking at us the whole time.

#425

⇓

[all laughing]

#426

⇓

Stewie, What are you doing here?

#427

⇓

Oh, just wanted to check out the scene.

#428

⇓

Things seem to be going so well.

#429

⇓

-I thought I'd ramp it up a notch. -What do you mean?

#430

⇓

[clinking]

#431

⇓

Everyone. Brian would like to say a few words to the bride and the groom.

#432

⇓

I'm sorry. What?

#433

⇓

[scattered applause]

#434

⇓

Um, hello. First of all, I'd like to thank you for having me here.

#435

⇓

Back To School Season is almost here at Macy's.

#436

⇓

What I mean to say is you can save 15% on car insurance at Home Depot.

#437

⇓

-There's no job too big. -[Stewie] Little problem, Brian.

#438

⇓

I left the van open and there are squirrels everywhere.

#439

⇓

They're climbing all over the equipment and they got my nuggets,

#440

⇓

and now they're gnawing on the wires.

#441

⇓

-[line breaks, static] -Wait, Stewie.

#442

⇓

[in Cuban accent] Does that mean this thing don't work no more?

#443

⇓

Okay, enough of this, man.

#444

⇓

Yeah, I got a few things I'd like to say.

#445

⇓

How's everybody doing tonight, eh?

#446

⇓

This guy gonna hump that chick real good tonight, man.

#447

⇓

-I'll tell you that. -[all gasp]

#448

⇓

Funny thing about immigrants, man.

#449

⇓

You're all like a bunch of dogs to me.

#450

⇓

-[all gasp] -[growls]

#451

⇓

Cheers to all the immigrant dogs here tonight.

#452

⇓

Oh, I almost forgot.

#453

⇓

Say hello to my little friend.

#454

⇓

Hey, I'm Stewie.

#455

⇓

What do you think you are doing?

#456

⇓

Coming here and doing some disgusting impersonation of my family?

#457

⇓

Hey, man, you don't understand.

#458

⇓

No, you don't understand.

#459

⇓

What you think, big man?

#460

⇓

Do you think you got a bigger shirt collar than me?

#461

⇓

Do you think your car's interior has a better animal print than mine?

#462

⇓

Do you think your crocodile boots

#463

⇓

have more lines between the crocodile parts than mine?

#464

⇓

Do you think you've got more pineapples on your shirt than me?

#465

⇓

Let's count them. Let's have a little contest and see

#466

⇓

who the most pineapple-y guy is tonight.

#467

⇓

Everyone throw your dinner rolls at him.

#468

⇓

You think you can take me?

#469

⇓

You're gonna need an army to take me.

#470

⇓

Huh? I'm still standing, eh!

#471

⇓

I take your rolls!

#472

⇓

One of you boys gonna teach me how to samba,

#473

⇓

or do I need to figure out a new Saturday?

#474

⇓

Well, it's a good thing that crack on the head

#475

⇓

brought your voice back to normal.

#476

⇓

[in normal voice] Yeah, but I'm bummed

#477

⇓

Carmen's never gonna speak to me again. I really liked her.

#478

⇓

Eh! I saw you dance at the wedding.

#479

⇓

You weren't gonna make it in a Latin family.

#480

⇓

What's wrong with the way I dance?

#481

⇓

You want to see a video of it?

#482

⇓

-Probably not, right? -I wouldn't.

#483

⇓