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Home » Family Guy » S24E09 — Phony Montana

Family Guy

Season 24, Episode 9 — Phony Montana

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♪ It seems today That all you see ♪

seems seems-today today

↓

♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪

movies violence

↓

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

fashioned fashioned-values values

↓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

rely used

↓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

family lucky

↓

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

lucky positively

↓

♪ All the things That make us ♪

↓

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

laugh

↓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

family

↓

You see this crap about Ron DeSantis?

↓

He's sending a bus full of migrants from Florida up to Quahog.

florida full quahog sending

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And I don't like it.

↓

Immigrants are trying to take jobs away from hardworking Americans like me.

americans immigrants jobs

↓

You faked Covid five times this month.

covid faked five five-times month times

↓

Huh. They're having a rally tomorrow to welcome them here.

having rally tomorrow welcome

↓

I'm gonna go down there and see what's really going on.

↓

Have fun with the other unemployed, bleeding hearts.

bleeding fun hearts unemployed

↓

Peter, are you gonna do the dishes you said you'd do?

dishes peter

↓

Ugh! Can't we get an immigrant for that already?

immigrant

↓

Where do you think you're going?

↓

Boar's Head is unveiling a new cold cut,

cold head

↓

and me and the guys won tickets.

tickets

↓

So far, they've only released a silhouette of the meat.

meat released

↓

I threw $100 on bison.

threw

↓

-Never know. -Peter, We have dinner

dinner peter

↓

with Crystal and Clay tonight.

clay crystal tonight

↓

We talked about this yesterday.

talked yesterday

↓

Lois, was yesterday a hard alcohol day?

alcohol hard hard-alcohol lois yesterday

↓

[sighs] Yes.

sighs

↓

And do I typically remember things you say to me when I drink hard alcohol?

alcohol drink hard hard-alcohol remember typically

↓

-No. -Then why...

↓

I forget. I had hard alcohol today.

alcohol forget hard hard-alcohol today

↓

How do we even know these people?

↓

No idea.

idea

↓

I have rescheduled this so many times,

times

↓

I can't remember who they are.

remember

↓

-Lois. -Hey, you guys. Ha.

lois

↓

You know, I just want to get this out of the way.

↓

I am completely blanking on how we met.

completely

↓

Oh! Thank God.

↓

Me, too!

↓

But it doesn't matter.

matter

↓

We're here now.

↓

You weren't the one who got in a fistfight in my yoga class, were you?

class yoga yoga-class

↓

[chuckles nervously] No, it wasn't me.

chuckles chuckles-nervously nervously

↓

I'm sure whoever it was had her reasons.

reasons

↓

Like maybe that bitch shouldn't have run her bitch mouth.

bitch mouth

↓

I don't know. I wasn't there.

↓

Hey, Peter, I'm Clay.

clay peter

↓

Listen, I don't want to sound like a fanboy,

sound

↓

but did I hear you work at Pawtucket Pat?

↓

Yeah. Why?

↓

That's maybe, like, the coolest job

coolest

↓

I've ever heard of anyone having.

having heard

↓

-It... It is? -Dude! Yes!

↓

You gotta tell me what it's like to work there.

↓

Lois. This guy is legit like a rock star to me.

legit lois rock rock-star star

↓

See, Lois, I told you I ain't just some bum.

aint lois

↓

You don't like football by any chance, do you, Peter?

chance football peter

↓

[gasps] Lois, I'm gonna be over here with Clay.

clay gasps lois

↓

Well, look who came around.

↓

Maybe we should all hang out more often.

hang often

↓

I'm in. We're always in the market for some cool friends.

cool friends market

↓

Oh, us, too. Remember those weirdos we hung out with last week?

hung remember week weirdos

↓

You know, honey, you could at least make a guess.

honey least

↓

I don't make a guess until you give me credit card info.

card credit credit-card info

↓

Maybe let's not talk about the arrangement in front of friends, okay?

arrangement friends front

↓

-What do we want? -[in Spanish] No hablo ingles.

spanish

↓

-When do we want it? -[in Spanish] No hablo ingles.

spanish

↓

Hi, there. This is gonna sound like I'm just here for the food,

food sound

↓

but the Instagram post said there'd be food.

food instagram post thered

↓

Oh, I'm sorry. We just ran out.

↓

That's fine. I'm Brian, dog guy.

brian

↓

Hello, Brian, the dog guy. I'm Carmen.

brian carmen

↓

Nice to meet you.

meet

↓

You know, immigrants are kind of like dogs to me.

dogs immigrants

↓

-Excuse me. -Oh, no, no, I wasn't...

excuse

↓

I mean, we're separated from our families, put in cages,

cages families separated

↓

and all you can do is hope there's a group of nice people somewhere

group hope

↓

-willing to share their home with you. -I see what you mean.

home share willing

↓

-So where are you from? -I'm from Cuba.

↓

Oh, nice. You guys got elephants and stuff, right?

elephants stuff

↓

I think you're thinking of Africa.

africa thinking

↓

No, I think, uh... Pretty sure.

↓

Yeah, whatever.

↓

Listen, I'm volunteering today, so I have to go help out.

today volunteering

↓

Look, I don't normally do this.

normally

↓

But is there any chance we could go out sometime?

chance sometime

↓

I'm so sorry.

↓

You seem great, but I just agreed to go out with that guy.

agreed

↓

[man grunts]

grunts

↓

Actually, never mind. I'm free.

free mind

↓

If you want, I'm going to the Havana Club tonight at six.

club tonight

↓

-You should come. -Okay, I'll be there.

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

[sighs] America at work.

america sighs

↓

Immigrants, liberals, conservatives,

conservatives immigrants liberals

↓

and the one guy with absolutely no idea what's going on here today.

absolutely idea today

↓

What's going on here? Some kind of festival?

festival

↓

[♪ chorus singing]

chorus singing

↓

I stay out of politics.

politics

↓

[♪ upbeat salsa music playing]

music music-playing playing salsa upbeat

↓

Hey, there you are.

↓

-Oh, you made it! -Allowed to smoke in here, huh?

allowed smoke

↓

Gosh, you really look incredible.

gosh incredible

↓

Oh, thank you.

↓

I got here early so we could be in the horn section.

early horn section

↓

S-Sorry, you said "in the horn section"?

horn section

↓

[blaring]

blaring

↓

Is it too loud for you?

loud

↓

I know dogs have very sensitive hearing.

dogs hearing sensitive

↓

No, no, this is-- this is great.

↓

Do you like for horns to be louder?

horns louder

↓

No, no, no. That's, that's okay.

↓

You like for horns to be louder.

horns louder

↓

[deafening]

↓

They played this at my mother's funeral.

funeral mothers mothers-funeral played

↓

Man, you really missed out on the Boar's Head event, Peter.

event head missed peter

↓

Joe even got some chick's number.

chicks number

↓

Hospice nurse. I, uh, I gotta have a talk with you guys at some point.

nurse point

↓

Why'd you bail, Peter?

bail peter whyd

↓

Lois had a dinner scheduled with another couple.

another another-couple couple dinner lois scheduled

↓

That's so lame. I hate that stuff.

hate lame stuff

↓

You know what? I just said that to sound cool.

cool sound

↓

I enjoy meeting new people.

enjoy meeting

↓

I usually hate it, too. But these guys were fun.

fun hate usually

↓

-Clay and Crystal something. -[gasps]

clay crystal gasps

↓

-Oh, boy. -What?

↓

-Crystal and Clay Duffy? -Yeah. So what?

clay crystal duffy

↓

Peter, those guys... How do I say this?

peter

↓

...engage in inter-relationship coitus on the reg.

engage relationship

↓

-Huh? -They're swingers,

swingers

↓

like the biggest in town.

biggest town

↓

-They try with everyone. -Big time!

↓

They tried that with me and Bon.

tried

↓

I stayed out in the car.

stayed

↓

Bon went in for a few hours to talk to them about it.

hours

↓

That never happened again,

happened

↓

uh... except for a couple weeks later...

couple couple-weeks except weeks

↓

[sighs despondently] One other time, I guess.

sighs

↓

Hey, how was the date?

date

↓

The date was awesome, but that Cuban place

awesome cuban date place

↓

was so loud and there was cigar smoke everywhere.

cigar loud smoke

↓

I feel like I'm getting a migraine or something. I just...

↓

[Stewie] Brian!

brian stewie

↓

Brian! Oh, thank God.

brian

↓

-Are you okay? -[in Cuban accent] Yeah, I'm good man.

accent cuban

↓

Just, uh... Just give it a little space, okay?

space

↓

-What? -What?

↓

You got diaper cream in your ears?

cream diaper ears

↓

I said back up, baby.

baby

↓

Why are you talking like Scarface?

↓

I... I don't know, man. I just opened my mouth,

mouth opened

↓

and this is the voice that comes out, you know?

comes voice

↓

And when I open my mouth, blood comes out.

blood comes mouth open

↓

Okay. Again, Chris, that's not funny.

chris funny

↓

What Brian's doing is funny.

brians funny

↓

When we pass on an idea, you really need to move on.

idea pass

↓

[stomach grumbles]

stomach

↓

I'm starting to get a little hungry.

hungry starting

↓

Do you think you could get, like, an English muffin or something?

english muffin

↓

I really like the nooks and crannies, man.

↓

So, what do you think, doc?

↓

How come I wake up sounding like this?

sounding wake

↓

Well, it's unusual, but this is a very real thing.

real unusual

↓

Google it. It's called Foreign Accent Syndrome.

accent called foreign foreign-accent google syndrome

↓

It's usually brought on by some kind of trauma to the brain.

brain brought trauma usually

↓

I'm guessing that migraine scrambled you all up.

guessing scrambled

↓

So this is like an actual disorder?

actual disorder

↓

Yeah, I saw it on 60 Minutes.

minutes

↓

They had on this English lady that woke up sounding Chinese.

chinese english lady sounding woke

↓

But everyone gets all pissed if I do it.

pissed

↓

You know, I wonder if you sound that way

sound wonder

↓

because you were around all those Cuban people at the club.

club cuban

↓

Oye, Stewie! Carmen says she's gonna come by the hospital.

carmen hospital stewie

↓

She can't hear me sound like this.

sound

↓

She's gonna think I'm making fun of her.

fun

↓

All right, Just relax. Maybe we can--

relax

↓

Brian, how are you doing?

brian

↓

I came as soon as I heard.

heard

↓

-[Brian grunts] -Sorry. He's not talking yet.

brian grunts

↓

Aww! My poor little guy.

poor

↓

You don't need to say a word.

word

↓

You just relax.

relax

↓

-Doctor. -[exasperated] What?

doctor

↓

Do you think it's worth checking him for, like, a stroke or brain cancer?

brain cancer checking stroke worth

↓

Come on, man. It's 4:45.

↓

So you'll never guess what the guys had to say about Clay and Crystal.

clay crystal

↓

Apparently, they're like major swingers.

apparently major swingers

↓

What? [laughs] No, that's ridiculous.

laughs ridiculous

↓

Seriously, all three of them said they tried stuff with them.

stuff three tried

↓

Well, now this is weird.

weird

↓

We're seeing them again tomorrow night.

night seeing tomorrow tomorrow-night

↓

I mean, do we cancel?

cancel

↓

I don't think so.

↓

We had fun with them.

fun

↓

Who cares what they do in their private lives?

cares lives private

↓

But what do we do if they try something with us?

↓

Well, obviously, we say no.

obviously

↓

Obviously, that's not us.

obviously

↓

No, we'd never do anything like that.

↓

We don't have to. What we have is great.

↓

The best. [chuckles]

best chuckles

↓

I mean, would it be nice to be asked?

asked

↓

-Sure. -Sure. Right.

↓

It'd be nice to know we're at least in the pool of consideration.

consideration least pool

↓

It'd be great to be in the pool.

pool

↓

I think I'm going to get a facial tomorrow.

facial tomorrow

↓

Not because of this, but because I need one.

↓

Totally. And I gotta buy deodorant.

deodorant

↓

Not because of this, but because mine's all the way

mines

↓

down to the plastic. Thing's like a cheese grater.

cheese plastic

↓

You've got a lot of nice things in this room.

room

↓

Purple octopus.

octopus purple

↓

I ain't never had no purple octopus. Time machine.

aint machine octopus purple

↓

Hey, what, you gonna impact the past or something, man?

impact past

↓

Disrupt the space-time continuum?

continuum space

↓

All right, stop just riffing on things you see.

riffing

↓

Now, if you're going to continue seeing Carmen,

carmen continue seeing

↓

we've got to try and get your speaking voice back.

speaking voice

↓

Try to repeat exactly what I say.

repeat

↓

"It's really nice to see you again, Carmen."

carmen

↓

It's nice to be here with you, baby.

baby

↓

You're gonna get humped like you wouldn't believe tonight.

believe humped tonight

↓

Okay, not quite there.

↓

"So, Carmen, do you have any pets?"

carmen pets

↓

I seen a mouse this one time. Thing was crazy, bro.

crazy mouse seen

↓

Running all around with a little tail moving side to side.

moving running side tail

↓

I thought that thing was gonna bite me, man.

bite

↓

Can you guys keep it down in here?

↓

-Sorry. We were just trying to-- -I don't need to know why.

↓

I just need you to shut up.

↓

Hey, that's your flesh and blood, man.

blood flesh

↓

-You don't talk to him like that. -I'm sorry.

↓

Next time I hear you talk that way, I'm gonna kick you so hard,

hard kick

↓

your big ass gonna land in Saskatchewan.

land

↓

Mom! Brian said I have a big ass in a Scarface voice.

brian voice

↓

Well, that was yet another fantastic evening with you two.

another evening fantastic

↓

Totally. Always love a little time with the Griffs.

love

↓

So, um, what, uh...

↓

What now? Do we keep her going?

↓

Yeah. What's the, uh... What's the old game plan-a-rino?

game game-plan plan

↓

Oh! You know, I think I'm done for the night.

night

↓

Oh, come on! It's only nine o'clock.

nine oclock

↓

I mean, I'm up for a little fun. Oh! [chuckles nervously]

chuckles chuckles-nervously fun nervously

↓

Next time. I'm a little zonked, too.

zonked

↓

Great to see you again, Peter.

peter

↓

Oh, no, I think we've leveled up to hugs.

hugs

↓

Get in here, you.

↓

[chuckles nervously] Okay.

chuckles chuckles-nervously nervously

↓

We'll see you guys again soon.

↓

Swingers, my ass.

swingers

↓

Maybe they're just not into us.

↓

Uh, no. If anything, it's us that's not into them.

↓

Yeah, they'd be lucky to get us, but we're not that type of people.

lucky theyd type

↓

Ew! No!

↓

Ew, like what even is that life?

life

↓

Sad is what it is.

↓

Doing it in weird places.

places weird

↓

Just having sex with every couple they meet.

couple having meet

↓

Well, every couple except us.

couple except

↓

Except us.

except

↓

Why not us?

↓

-Where are you going? -They left their cornbread.

left

↓

Hopefully they didn't clear the table yet.

clear hopefully table

↓

Hold that door, please.

door

↓

Just try not to talk too much.

↓

You're gonna get us beat up with that accent you're doing.

accent beat

↓

It's so weird, man.

weird

↓

In my mind, it sounds like I'm just talking regular

mind regular sounds

↓

and outside, I end up sounding like some kind of big banana head.

banana head sounding

↓

-Hot chocolate for Brain. -You say "Brain?"

brain chocolate

↓

Do you know anyone named "Brain?"

brain named

↓

It's Brian! As in Dennehy, Cranston and Cox.

brian

↓

I'm sorry, sir.

↓

That guy's got matcha powder in his ears or something.

ears powder

↓

A lot of stuff in people's ears today.

ears peoples stuff today

↓

[cell phone ringing]

cell cell-phone cell-phone-ringing phone phone-ringing ringing

↓

Oh, crap, man. It's Carmen.

carmen

↓

I keep avoiding her calls.

avoiding calls

↓

I don't want her to think I'm mocking her, you know.

mocking

↓

Brian, you have to answer. She's going to think you're not into her anymore.

answer anymore brian

↓

[in high-pitched voice] Hello? Brian's phone.

brians phone pitched pitched-voice voice

↓

This is Miss Penny Apple, Brian's assistant.

apple assistant brians miss penny

↓

We dated for a little while,

dated

↓

but we disclosed it to HR, so it was all aboveboard.

↓

[grunts] Anyway, I ended it after he got physical.

ended grunts physical

↓

Oh, that sounds lovely.

lovely sounds

↓

He'll be there. Bye, dear.

dear

↓

-Well? -[in normal voice] Her cousin's

cousins normal normal-voice voice

↓

getting married Saturday, and she wants to bring you as her date.

bring date married saturday wants

↓

What? Her whole family is going to think

family whole whole-family

↓

I'm making fun of their accents.

accents fun

↓

There's no way I can go.

↓

She said Jenna Ortega is going to be there.

↓

Buenas noches!

↓

[announcer] We'll be back with more...

announcer

↓

[announcer reading]

announcer reading

↓

...after this.

↓

So what you think?

↓

How am I gonna go to this wedding sounding like this?

sounding wedding

↓

Yeah, we sure don't want a repeat of what you did to Cleveland yesterday.

cleveland repeat yesterday

↓

Hey, mailman!

mailman

↓

No more putting the paper in the little slot in my house, eh?

house paper putting slot

↓

The sound wakes me up from my doggy naps.

doggy sound wakes

↓

No, no, no, no, no, no!

↓

I'm not even the courier for your postal route.

route

↓

That's Laverne!

laverne

↓

Those people are absolute weirdos.

absolute weirdos

↓

They call themselves swingers.

swingers

↓

Two whole dinners and not even an elbow brush on the boob.

boob brush dinners elbow whole

↓

Not that we would even

↓

-do anything anyway. -Of course not.

course

↓

I mean, not that any of this matters because we're normal people.

matters normal

↓

That being said, it would be nice to be asked.

asked

↓

It would be nice to be freaking asked.

asked freaking

↓

Maybe they're waiting for a third night with us.

night third waiting

↓

-What do you mean? -Well, in the dating world,

dating world

↓

three dates usually mean sex is on the table.

dates table three usually

↓

Oh, I see.

↓

So, this is all just part of the dance, huh?

dance part

↓

They're trying to see

↓

-if we're actually into them. -Which we're not.

↓

-No. -It's got to be that.

↓

All right, I'm texting them.

texting

↓

Now? Won't that look desperate?

desperate

↓

Desperate? They're the ones trying to swing with us.

desperate ones swing

↓

To which we'll promptly say no.

↓

Moment it happens, without hesitation,

happens hesitation moment

↓

-we shut it down. -Shut it down.

↓

-[message tone plays] -We're in.

message plays tone

↓

-Dinner at their house tomorrow night. -Oh, at their house?

dinner house night tomorrow tomorrow-night

↓

Could they be any more obvious about it?

obvious

↓

Yeah. Be a little artful about it, guys.

↓

So, first time I'm seeing that.

seeing

↓

I can't say I like it.

↓

I can't believe you got me in this mess, man.

believe mess

↓

I got, like, butterflies in my stomach.

butterflies stomach

↓

I can feel 'em all flapping around, you know?

flapping

↓

You have nothing to worry about.

worry

↓

I've developed an AI voice modulator

developed voice

↓

to match your natural speaking voice. Here, put this on.

match natural speaking voice

↓

-You think this thing's gonna work, man? -[modulator beeps]

beeps

↓

[in normal voice] I don't want to upset Carmen.

carmen normal normal-voice upset voice

↓

Oh, hey, wow! It's me again.

↓

-Testing. One, two, three. -[beeps]

beeps testing three

↓

[in Cuban accent] I will break your freaking head open, man.

accent break cuban freaking head open

↓

-[beeps] -[in normal voice] Testing, 1, 2, 3.

beeps normal normal-voice testing voice

↓

Great. It works. And I'll be in your ear

works

↓

the whole time in case anything goes wrong.

case whole

↓

-So don't worry. -[modulator beeps]

beeps worry

↓

It is nice to see you again, Carmen.

carmen

↓

I am enjoying your company tonight.

company enjoying tonight

↓

Olive Garden Summer Nights are back.

garden nights olive summer

↓

[in Cuban accent] Hey, wait! What the hell was that?

accent cuban

↓

Oh, yeah, the software has ads sometimes.

software sometimes

↓

Ads? What do you mean, ads?

↓

They want 13 bucks a month now for premium. Deal with it.

bucks deal month premium

↓

-[all laughing] -Brian. There you are.

brian laughing

↓

I'd like you to meet my mother and father.

father meet mother

↓

[Stewie, over earpiece] Play it cool. You got this?

cool earpiece stewie

↓

It's nice to meet you, Brian.

brian meet

↓

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Perez.

↓

What a beautiful night for a wedding.

night wedding

↓

Carmen tells me you are a writer.

carmen tells writer

↓

I enjoy putting pen to paper and allowing my heart to do the rest.

allowing enjoy heart paper putting rest

↓

If you or someone you love has been injured in a work accident,

accident injured love

↓

it's time to call Feinstein and Forlizzi, PC.

↓

Thank you, Brian. I will keep this, uh, Feinstein in mind.

brian mind

↓

-Don't forget Forlizzi. -[all laugh]

forget laugh

↓

[Stewie] See? I told you it would work.

stewie

↓

Thanks. I appreciate it.

appreciate thanks

↓

Ugh! The Postmates guy forgot the ketchup.

forgot ketchup

↓

Hey, buddy, I think you forgot the ketchup.

buddy forgot ketchup

↓

[man] Oh, I'm sorry, man. I gotta go pick up my kid from camp.

camp pick

↓

[Stewie] Tell him he's gonna be there for a bit.

stewie

↓

It's your job. I don't know what to tell you.

↓

[doorbell dings]

dings doorbell

↓

Did you take a Harry Potter patch off that blazer before you put it on?

blazer harry harry-potter patch potter

↓

Yeah. Only thing is, they're not gonna know I'm a Ravenclaw.

↓

That should be fine. Right?

↓

Hey, good to see you.

↓

We felt bad about how things ended the other night,

ended night

↓

so thought we could have a do over.

↓

I'm a Ravenclaw, by the way.

↓

You guys look nice.

↓

You didn't have to get all dressed up.

dressed

↓

This is a sweat suit from Target.

suit sweat target

↓

A very sexy sweat suit, I might add.

might sexy suit sweat

↓

Wow, Great house.

house

↓

Are these the original hardwoods?

original

↓

I'm a huge hardwood guy,

huge

↓

you know what I mean, Crystal?

crystal

↓

Oh, this is a big comfy couch. [laughs coyly]

comfy couch laughs

↓

What do you say we I don't know, hang out,

hang

↓

put on some Natalie Imbrog... Imbrug...

↓

The chick who sings "Torn."

chick sings torn

↓

Uh, yeah. Yeah. Maybe.

↓

Warm tonight, isn't it?

tonight warm

↓

Guys, what's going on here? You're acting really weird.

acting weird

↓

What? Aren't you guys swingers?

swingers

↓

We like to have fun, yeah, but we don't do it with everyone.

fun

↓

Then, then what? What's wrong with us?

↓

Don't take it so personally.

personally

↓

Every pair of swingers has one flaccid friendship.

flaccid friendship pair swingers

↓

Yeah, you know, just kind of a meat and potatoes couple

couple meat potatoes

↓

you go bowling with once in a while.

bowling

↓

We just like hanging out with you guys as friends.

friends hanging

↓

I don't even know what you're talking about,

↓

but we don't want to be anything more than friends with you guys.

friends

↓

Maybe it's best we just call it a night.

best night

↓

Please. I'll pay for it. How much to make it happen right now?

happen

↓

-Touch it. -Oh, would you stop it already?

touch

↓

They probably don't want us because you come off so desperate.

desperate

↓

Me? You're practically draping yourself all over 'em.

practically

↓

Because I'm the candy here, Peter.

candy peter

↓

If there's any chance of this happening, it's because of me.

chance

↓

You're nothing. You hear me? Nothing.

↓

[both growling menacingly]

growling menacingly

↓

[both moaning]

moaning

↓

[dog barking]

barking

↓

Well, we didn't swing, but we did have violent sex in front of another couple.

another another-couple couple front swing violent

↓

There'll be a little asterisk in the record books,

asterisk books record therell

↓

but it still kind of counts.

counts

↓

Their dog was barking at us the whole time.

barking whole

↓

[all laughing]

laughing

↓

Stewie, What are you doing here?

stewie

↓

Oh, just wanted to check out the scene.

check scene wanted

↓

Things seem to be going so well.

↓

-I thought I'd ramp it up a notch. -What do you mean?

notch ramp

↓

[clinking]

clinking

↓

Everyone. Brian would like to say a few words to the bride and the groom.

brian bride groom words

↓

I'm sorry. What?

↓

[scattered applause]

applause scattered

↓

Um, hello. First of all, I'd like to thank you for having me here.

having

↓

Back To School Season is almost here at Macy's.

school season

↓

What I mean to say is you can save 15% on car insurance at Home Depot.

depot home home-depot insurance save

↓

-There's no job too big. -[Stewie] Little problem, Brian.

brian problem stewie

↓

I left the van open and there are squirrels everywhere.

left open squirrels

↓

They're climbing all over the equipment and they got my nuggets,

climbing equipment nuggets

↓

and now they're gnawing on the wires.

wires

↓

-[line breaks, static] -Wait, Stewie.

breaks line static stewie

↓

[in Cuban accent] Does that mean this thing don't work no more?

accent cuban

↓

Okay, enough of this, man.

↓

Yeah, I got a few things I'd like to say.

↓

How's everybody doing tonight, eh?

everybody tonight

↓

This guy gonna hump that chick real good tonight, man.

chick hump real tonight

↓

-I'll tell you that. -[all gasp]

gasp

↓

Funny thing about immigrants, man.

funny immigrants

↓

You're all like a bunch of dogs to me.

bunch dogs

↓

-[all gasp] -[growls]

gasp growls

↓

Cheers to all the immigrant dogs here tonight.

cheers dogs immigrant tonight

↓

Oh, I almost forgot.

forgot

↓

Say hello to my little friend.

friend

↓

Hey, I'm Stewie.

stewie

↓

What do you think you are doing?

↓

Coming here and doing some disgusting impersonation of my family?

coming disgusting family impersonation

↓

Hey, man, you don't understand.

↓

No, you don't understand.

↓

What you think, big man?

↓

Do you think you got a bigger shirt collar than me?

bigger collar shirt

↓

Do you think your car's interior has a better animal print than mine?

animal cars interior print

↓

Do you think your crocodile boots

boots crocodile

↓

have more lines between the crocodile parts than mine?

crocodile lines parts

↓

Do you think you've got more pineapples on your shirt than me?

pineapples shirt

↓

Let's count them. Let's have a little contest and see

contest count

↓

who the most pineapple-y guy is tonight.

pineapple tonight

↓

Everyone throw your dinner rolls at him.

dinner rolls throw

↓

You think you can take me?

↓

You're gonna need an army to take me.

army

↓

Huh? I'm still standing, eh!

standing

↓

I take your rolls!

rolls

↓

One of you boys gonna teach me how to samba,

boys teach

↓

or do I need to figure out a new Saturday?

figure saturday

↓

Well, it's a good thing that crack on the head

crack head

↓

brought your voice back to normal.

brought normal voice

↓

[in normal voice] Yeah, but I'm bummed

bummed normal normal-voice voice

↓

Carmen's never gonna speak to me again. I really liked her.

liked speak

↓

Eh! I saw you dance at the wedding.

dance wedding

↓

You weren't gonna make it in a Latin family.

family latin

↓

What's wrong with the way I dance?

dance

↓

You want to see a video of it?

video

↓

-Probably not, right? -I wouldn't.