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Home » Family Guy » S24E08 — Play Time

Family Guy

Season 24, Episode 8 — Play Time

↓

♪ It seems today That all you see ♪

seems seems-today today

↓

♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪

movies violence

↓

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

fashioned fashioned-values values

↓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

rely used

↓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

family lucky

↓

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

lucky positively

↓

♪ All the things that make us ♪

↓

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

laugh

↓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

family

↓

[♪ instrumental music playing]

instrumental instrumental-music instrumental-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker,

evening tucker

↓

reporting live from the historic Quahog Playhouse,

historic live quahog reporting reporting-live

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formerly the Bitcoin Center,

center

↓

formerly the Enron Arena, formerly the Lead-Based Paint Pavilion,

arena based lead paint

↓

formerly the Chesterton Cigarettes Hall,

cigarettes hall

↓

formerly Captain Jerry's Slave Auctionarium.

captain slave

↓

Yep, lot of history here, folks.

folks history

↓

But this beloved landmark was about to close

beloved close landmark

↓

until a local woman without a job,

local woman

↓

who calls herself a "community activist,"

activist calls community

↓

decided to mount three plays to try to save it.

decided mount plays save three

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Hello, everyone. As many of you know, I am a community activist.

activist community

↓

Tonight, we'll be performing three plays

performing plays three tonight

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to save this local treasure that none of us supported while it was open.

local open save supported treasure

↓

But we can't let our fear of COVID shutter another business.

another business covid fear shutter

↓

[man coughs]

coughs

↓

Oh, crap, everybody out! This isn't worth it!

everybody worth

↓

[man] It's not COVID. I have black lung!

black covid lung

↓

Oh, thank God. I thought it was something that could affect the rest of us.

affect rest

↓

So, without further ado, please enjoy our first play, To Kill a Mockingbird.

enjoy further kill mockingbird

↓

A searing portrait of the Jim Crow South that,

crow portrait south

↓

from Harper Lee to Aaron Sorkin,

aaron harper

↓

no Black person has ever been allowed to work on. Not once!

allowed black person

↓

Okay, let's do this! Places, everybody.

everybody places

↓

As they say in the theater, break an L-3 vertebra!

break theater

↓

I'm so glad I saved my Colonel Sanders Halloween costume.

colonel costume glad halloween saved

↓

And listen, I don't wanna make anybody nervous,

anybody nervous

↓

but I just found out an agent is here.

agent found

↓

From Allstate. We play this right, we're all gonna get earthquake coverage.

coverage

↓

[applauding]

applauding

↓

Ah, the 1930s, when the South was 90 percent porch.

percent porch south

↓

-Mail for Fatticus Inch! -Ah, yes, thank you.

inch mail

↓

Boy, I'm really schvitzin' in this heat.

heat

↓

Uh, okay. That'll be all, mailman.

mailman thatll

↓

Screw you, putz! My pharmacy is sponsoring this play.

pharmacy screw

↓

Anyone who claps for me gets their Oxycontin prescription refilled,

claps prescription

↓

no questions asked.

asked questions questions-asked

↓

-Not you two. -[both] Aww.

↓

The opioid crisis has turned pharmacists into Gods.

crisis gods turned

↓

Dad, some of the kids at school said

kids school

↓

you're defending a Black man accused by a white woman.

accused black defending white white-woman woman

↓

That's right, Scout.

scout

↓

Everyone in this country is entitled to good legal counsel.

counsel country entitled legal

↓

And they also said one time in court,

court

↓

you sat on your balls and fainted.

balls fainted

↓

Who the hell are these kids? They shouldn't be talking about that.

kids

↓

Now, hey, it's getting late. Where's your brother, Jem?

brother late

↓

Here I am, Pop! Uh, everybody's already on their phones.

everybodys phones

↓

I'm gonna have a Patti LuPone meltdown if a ringer goes off.

meltdown

↓

[phone rings]

phone phone-rings rings

↓

Oh, God, I do have to take this.

↓

Patti, hi! No, I can talk.

↓

Say, Scout, I see you're playing with a new toy.

playing scout

↓

Yeah, it was left for me in a tree by Poo Badley.

left tree

↓

Ah, Poo Badley. A guy obsessed with children and AR-15s.

children obsessed

↓

He seems like someone I wanna leave you alone with later in the play.

alone seems

↓

All right, let's pretend to walk to the next scene.

pretend scene walk

↓

[♪ music playing]

music music-playing playing

↓

Fun fact, that's the same tree

fact fun tree

↓

from the Wizard of Oz that the munchkin used to hang himself.

hang munchkin used wizard

↓

What part of that is fun?

fun part

↓

Munchkin.

munchkin

↓

That Black man violated me and besmirched my virtue.

black violated virtue

↓

Cleveland, how could you?

cleveland

↓

You're supposed to be on my side!

side supposed

↓

And my character's name is Tom!

characters name

↓

Can't believe I missed a Rob Base concert for this.

base believe concert missed

↓

And I'm his biggest fan.

biggest

↓

Hey, yo Quahog, how many does it take to make a thing go right?

quahog

↓

Hey, wait, where's Cleveland?

cleveland

↓

Fatticus Inch for the defense, Your Honor.

defense honor inch

↓

Now, if I may begin.

begin

↓

Hello to the all-white jury,

jury white

↓

the all-white gallery,

gallery white

↓

and the very rickety segregated balcony.

balcony rickety

↓

Are you sure this balcony is safe?

balcony safe

↓

Of course you're safe!

course safe

↓

You think a guy like me roots for people

roots

↓

to fall and have horrible spinal injuries?

fall horrible injuries spinal

↓

Especially when my Murderball team needs

especially needs team

↓

four new players for regionals.

four players

↓

What size jerseys are you guys...

size

↓

I mean, you're safe. Totally safe!

safe

↓

Now, Miss Ewell, you said my client assaulted you,

assaulted client miss

↓

but you have a history of telling falsehoods, do you not?

history telling

↓

No, Mr. Inch. I have always told the truth.

inch truth

↓

Is that right? And when you worked at West Elm,

west worked

↓

did you or did you not tell me that fake leather chairs

chairs fake leather

↓

look just as good as the real thing?

real

↓

Well, so what if I did?

↓

You know, there's a rumor that John Rockefeller has West Elm chairs.

chairs john rockefeller rumor west

↓

Objection, Your Honor! She's trying to sell the jury terrible furniture!

furniture honor jury objection sell

↓

Sustained!

sustained

↓

Yes, and now that we've established that,

established

↓

you said my client gave you a black eye with his right hand.

black client hand

↓

But that's impossible, isn't it?

impossible

↓

'Cause everyone knows that for the last two weeks,

knows weeks

↓

he's been stuck in a Chinese Finger Trap.

chinese finger stuck trap

↓

That's you!

↓

Forgive me, Your Honor. Me play joke.

forgive honor joke

↓

-It's the 1930s, so I can say that. -I'll allow it.

allow

↓

And isn't it also true that your father has a history of abusing you,

abusing father history

↓

and also has the strongest right arm in town?

strongest town

↓

That's outrageous! I'm so mad, I'm gonna punch my daughter tonight!

daughter outrageous punch tonight

↓

-[gallery gasps] -I mean...

gallery gasps

↓

-I mean, someone else's daughter. -[gasps]

daughter elses gasps

↓

I mean, a son who disappointed me at sports.

disappointed sports

↓

[sighs in relief]

relief sighs

↓

Ah, damn it. He saved it.

saved

↓

God, it's so obvious Tom is innocent.

innocent obvious

↓

Our society is blinded by prejudice.

society

↓

Oh, that's so deep. Nice armchair activism.

deep

↓

Are... Are you a mockingbird?

mockingbird

↓

[mimicking] "Are you a mockingbird?" That's how you sound, dude.

mimicking mockingbird sound

↓

-Leave me alone. -Fat Snoopy says what?

alone

↓

You little jerk! How dare you call me that?

dare jerk

↓

What're you gonna do,

whatre

↓

-you're not gonna do anything. -[growling]

growling

↓

Yeah, Mike Tyson, sit back down.

mike mike-tyson tyson

↓

You know, this story is actually pretty good. Now I regret banning it.

banning regret story

↓

And that is why I am confident

confident

↓

that you will find my client not guilty.

client guilty

↓

Don't worry, we've got this in the bag.

worry

↓

We find the Black guy guilty.

black guilty

↓

-Aw, nuts. -So, are they gonna kill me now?

kill nuts

↓

Yeah, but it'll be offstage.

itll

↓

This play about racism is about how it affects white people.

affects racism white

↓

All right, we're done here.

↓

Kids, why don't you walk home together in the dark?

dark home kids walk walk-home

↓

Take Stab Street to Knifey Lane.

lane stab street

↓

And remember, there's no street lights

lights remember street

↓

'cause the rural South still doesn't have electricity in this time period,

electricity period south

↓

which is underratedly shocking.

shocking

↓

It was basically North Korea!

korea north north-korea

↓

What a horrible injustice.

horrible injustice

↓

God, this country is racist.

country racist

↓

Oh, yeah? I looked up your Instagram.

instagram looked

↓

You sang Gold Digger at karaoke and you said all the words.

gold karaoke sang words

↓

That's it! I'm gonna kill a mockingbird! [barks]

barks kill mockingbird

↓

I can't believe our son is in a play!

believe

↓

In a play?

↓

He's in a scene where they said the title!

scene title

↓

All right, Scout and Jem are walking home!

home scout walking walking-home

↓

Prepare the nighttime set!

prepare

↓

It's the "Mac Tonight" moon from the McDonald's ads.

mcdonalds moon tonight

↓

Created to increase dinner business.

business created dinner increase

↓

I really like that moon.

moon

↓

Hey, crazy Idea... you wanna go to McDonald's after, like, 5:00 p.m.?

crazy crazy-idea idea mcdonalds

↓

There you kids are! I'm mad at your dad,

kids

↓

so I'm gonna stab you to get back at him.

stab

↓

And I'm confident that no lunatic

confident lunatic

↓

will coincidently show up to stop me

↓

because that would be very bad writing!

writing

↓

-Get away from those kids! -Ow!

kids

↓

Poo Badley? The scary recluse?

scary

↓

That's right! There was never any reason to be afraid of me.

afraid reason

↓

And to prove it, I'm gonna murder this guy.

murder prove

↓

[grunting] Stop!

grunting

↓

This isn't what we blocked.

blocked

↓

Damn it, Chris, you said you took stage combat. Ooh!

chris combat stage

↓

Wow. Thank you for saving us.

saving

↓

No problem. So let's sum up the messages of this award-winning play.

award award-winning messages problem winning

↓

It's good for your daughter to have an older, physically aggressive man

aggressive daughter older physically

↓

follow her around, and women who accuse men of sexual assault are liars.

accuse assault follow liars sexual sexual-assault women

↓

I did it! I killed a mockingbird!

killed mockingbird

↓

Nooo!

nooo

↓

Honey, honey. He's acting.

acting honey honey-honey

↓

[Brian growls]

brian growls

↓

He's good.

↓

[♪ instrumental music playing]

instrumental instrumental-music instrumental-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

God, did you guys read everyone's bios?

everyones read

↓

"Lois Griffin was the body double for Amy Adams

adams body double griffin lois

↓

in American Hustle."

american hustle

↓

Yeah, right. What a lying hag.

lying

↓

Yeah, look at this. "Glenn Quagmire would like to thank Stella Adler?"

adler glenn glenn-quagmire quagmire stella

↓

He never studied with Stella Adler.

adler stella studied

↓

[Quagmire] I can still thank her, Brian! I can still be grateful!

brian grateful quagmire

↓

Hey, guys? Big news.

news

↓

I just found out a manager is here. From Panera.

found manager

↓

We nail this, we're all gonna get free bread bowls!

bowls bread free nail

↓

I think we have to stop getting excited about Dad's announcements.

announcements dads excited

↓

And now for our next play.

↓

In the 1960s, a young playwright named Neil Simon

named neil simon young

↓

posed a question...

posed question

↓

What if Broadway could be more Jewish?

broadway jewish

↓

Ladies and gentlemen, The Odd Couple.

couple gentlemen ladies

↓

[♪ music playing]

music music-playing playing

↓

Ah, what a great day to be the last non-Hispanic man named Oscar.

named oscar

↓

[doorbell rings]

doorbell doorbell-rings rings

↓

Hi, Oscar. Sorry to bother you,

bother oscar

↓

but I need a place to stay because my wife just threw me out.

place threw wife

↓

Aww, that's too bad, Felix. Did she take the Nintendo Switch?

nintendo switch

↓

-No, I grabbed it. -Come on in.

grabbed

↓

Oh, good. I was so scared to ask because we're so different.

scared

↓

I mean, two white guys

white

↓

with slightly different standards of neatness

slightly standards

↓

sharing the same apartment?

apartment sharing

↓

And even though we both have solid careers

careers solid

↓

in an era of famously depressed New York real estate,

depressed estate real real-estate york

↓

it makes sense we should split rent.

makes makes-sense rent sense split

↓

-So that will be $40. -What?

↓

Yep, three months upfront.

months three three-months

↓

All right, let's play some 1960s cigar-chewy,

chewy cigar

↓

pulling-on-suspenders poker.

poker pulling

↓

-Oh, no, I just cleaned! -Whoops!

cleaned whoops

↓

Oh, man, different standards of neatness.

standards

↓

This is definitely a play, movie, and three TV shows worth of comedy.

comedy movie shows three worth

↓

Hmm. I... I don't know.

↓

Shouldn't the fastidious one be the person who originally has the apartment,

apartment originally person

↓

not the person coming to stay there?

coming person

↓

Who cares if their guest is neat?

cares guest neat

↓

Don't poke holes in the premise.

holes poke poke-holes premise

↓

I missed Rob Base for this!

base missed

↓

And he was touring with Tone Loc!

tone

↓

What's up, Quahog? Now, tell me something...

quahog

↓

do you like your medina not funky and hot?

funky

↓

[crowd] Nooo!

crowd nooo

↓

My favorite part is the pre-song banter.

banter favorite favorite-part part song

↓

Well, time to read one of the 18 newspapers we have here in New York.

newspapers read york

↓

Ah, one plus of this era is I'll never forget

forget plus

↓

how to spell the word "assassinated".

assassinated spell word

↓

Hey, do you guys think we're cowards for not fighting in Vietnam?

cowards fighting vietnam

↓

As much as I love killing babies,

babies killing love

↓

I'm happy to be right here in New York City.

city happy york york-city

↓

Plus, if we were over there,

plus

↓

who's gonna spit on the soldiers when they get back?

soldiers spit

↓

Hang on, guys. I want to turn on the radio for the ball game

ball ball-game game hang radio

↓

so it surprises us later in the play.

surprises

↓

And what else is going on?

↓

Cleveland, I hear you're on trial for sexual assault?

assault cleveland sexual sexual-assault trial

↓

That was the last play!

↓

Speaking of which,

speaking

↓

are you guys ever gonna get us down?

↓

Uh, we're working on it, Donna.

donna working

↓

Well, that's not good enough.

↓

Let me handle this. As a cop, I've had a lot of experience

experience handle

↓

stonewalling upset women.

upset women

↓

I'll just "ma'am" her 'til she stops.

maam stops

↓

-Ma'am-- -Don't you "ma'am" me!

maam

↓

-Ma'am. Ma'am. -Don't you use that cop trick.

maam maam-maam trick

↓

You think I'm going away?

↓

-I'm not going away! -Ma'am.

maam

↓

-You will get us down from here! -Ma'am. Ma'am.

maam maam-maam

↓

You will give me answers and if you don't...

answers

↓

-Ma'am. -I will find your superior

maam superior

↓

and I will get answers from him because I am not going to be ignored!

answers ignored

↓

-I wanna get down! -Ma'am.

maam

↓

Good news. The Pigeon Sisters are coming over for dinner tonight.

coming dinner dinner-tonight news pigeon sisters tonight

↓

They are almost 23, which means they are desperate to get married.

desperate married

↓

And like all women of this era,

women

↓

I hear the Pigeon Sisters have pretty prominent nests.

pigeon prominent sisters

↓

Peter, my dad is in the audience, all right? Please stay on book.

audience book peter

↓

Also, I'm not sure I'm ready to date again.

date ready

↓

Oh. Is this 'cause I only have one rubber from the Army for the two of us to split?

army rubber split

↓

It's got some miles on it, though,

miles

↓

so you might wanna use a shoelace to tie down.

might

↓

I'm sorry, Glenn, I don't think this is for me.

glenn

↓

Damn it, Peter! None of this is in the play!

peter

↓

[sighs] But I'll give dating a shot.

dating shot sighs

↓

Just let me go to the bathroom and freshen up.

bathroom

↓

Peter! Did you go in the prop toilet?

peter prop toilet

↓

Oh, I thought you said the plop toilet!

plop toilet

↓

Oh, boy, that's a biggie.

biggie

↓

Will assistant stage manager Meg Griffin please come to stage right?

assistant griffin manager stage

↓

And bring the grill tongs.

bring grill

↓

Welcome, ladies.

ladies welcome

↓

Now, if you'll excuse me for a moment,

excuse moment

↓

it's a New York play and I haven't yelled anything out my window today.

today window yelled york

↓

Taxi!

taxi

↓

[Italian guy] Hey, keep it down over there!

italian

↓

You keep it down!

↓

Asking neighbors to speak at a lower volume

asking lower neighbors speak volume

↓

is a hallmark of apartment-based theater.

apartment based theater

↓

So, tell us about yourselves.

yourselves

↓

Well, we were both lobotomized as teenagers for being willful.

teenagers

↓

Yeah, and I had a fiance, but he was brutally killed in the war--

brutally killed

↓

[announcer on radio] And it's outta here! Home run for Mickey Mantle!

announcer home mantle mickey outta radio

↓

Whoa, he did it! That son-of-a-gun!

whoa

↓

I'm sorry, ladies, please continue.

continue ladies

↓

Uh, Oscar, can we talk privately for a moment?

moment oscar privately

↓

Sure, just give me a second. I just gotta use the plop sink.

plop second sink

↓

Damn it, Oscar! I'm not comfortable doing this.

comfortable oscar

↓

It's all happening too fast for me.

fast

↓

I miss my wife.

miss wife

↓

What's wrong with you? Those chicks are hot!

chicks

↓

And they live in our building. So when things go south,

building live south

↓

we'll still see 'em every day.

↓

And often for a slow, iron-gate elevator ride.

elevator gate iron often ride slow

↓

[TV playing indistinctly]

indistinctly playing

↓

Hey, did you guys know that Picasso is still alive?

alive

↓

I was way off on that by, like, 300 years.

years

↓

[Neil Armstrong] That's one small step for man...

armstrong neil step

↓

God, this is so boring. I'm changing the channel.

boring changing channel

↓

-[♪ peppy music plays] -Ah, here we go. The Dating Game.

dating game music music-plays plays

↓

We're all gonna remember where we were when we saw this.

remember

↓

[whispers] Hey, put the rubber on the radiator.

radiator rubber whispers

↓

Chicks love it when the rubber's hot.

chicks love rubbers

↓

So, Felix, I hear you're a news writer.

news writer

↓

Uh, that's right. And Oscar is a sports writer.

oscar sports writer

↓

[laughs] Writers in two totally different departments!

laughs writers

↓

On the same floor, but still!

floor

↓

Uh, listen, you're very beautiful,

↓

but so is the woman who just broke my heart,

broke heart woman

↓

so I can't in good conscience--

conscience

↓

You know what? This is a stupid play.

stupid

↓

No single guy in New York would ever turn down any kind of sex,

single york

↓

especially in the '60s.

especially

↓

Come on girls, we're going to my room.

girls room

↓

There you go, Felix. Now you're getting the hang of it.

hang

↓

Wait a minute, that's my wife!

minute wife

↓

[Quagmire] It's our characters having sex, Peter, not us.

characters having peter quagmire

↓

[Lois] Oh, Glenn, is that a hot rubber?

glenn lois rubber

↓

[Bonnie] Yeah, we women love that!

bonnie love women

↓

[♪ music playing]

music music-playing playing

↓

So, you're really kicking me out, huh?

kicking

↓

Yeah, get lost pal. I already found a better New York roommate.

found lost roommate york

↓

Well, I'm out!

↓

Boo! This sucks!

sucks

↓

No, don't heckle, Kramer!

kramer

↓

Well, that guy over there is a--

↓

[grunts]

grunts

↓

[groaning]

groaning

↓

Ah. Well, that's fitting, I guess.

fitting

↓

Okay, I've got a medium and an XL Murderball jersey.

jersey medium

↓

Who's not feeling anything from the waist down?

feeling waist

↓

All right, and it's time for our final play of the evening...

evening final

↓

William Shakespeare's Hamlet.

hamlet william

↓

There's something rotten in Denmark.

rotten

↓

That's Peter's fault. The grill tongs just broke it in half.

broke fault grill half peters

↓

We're dealing with it.

dealing

↓

Good morrow, dear Mother!

dear mother

↓

Thou wanted to seeth me on this fine day in Denmark?

thou wanted

↓

[announcer on radio] And that ball's gone!

announcer balls gone radio

↓

Home run number 500 for Mickey Mantle!

home mantle mickey number

↓

Sorry, that was from the last play, sorry.

↓

Look, I called you in here because I have bad news.

called news

↓

Your father, the king, is dead.

dead father king

↓

Well, that's quite tragic.

tragic

↓

But I see no reason to descend into madness

descend madness reason

↓

as long as thou doesn't immediately marry someone he was related to--

immediately marry related thou

↓

So I am married his brother, Claudius.

brother married

↓

Thou hast what?

hast thou

↓

Hey there, new stepson! Sorry I'm late,

late

↓

I was dealing with some of those jokers from Norway.

dealing jokers

↓

Norway is our rival.

rival

↓

Listen, I know things are a little awkward, but remember,

awkward remember

↓

I'm still the same uncle you've always known,

known uncle

↓

except now I'm having sex with your mom.

except having

↓

[announcer on radio] And Mantle is coming out to tip his cap to the fans.

announcer coming fans mantle radio

↓

Sorry, second radio.

radio second

↓

Ah, lady archers, pulling on their bows

lady pulling

↓

with their overly developed triceps.

developed overly

↓

Ay, there's the rub...

↓

He he. Classy masturbation joke, son.

classy joke masturbation

↓

Dad? But you died!

died

↓

That means you're a guh-guh-guh-guh-ghost!

ghost

↓

Yeah, but calm down. This is Shakespeare, not Scooby Doo.

calm scooby shakespeare

↓

So, what are you doing here?

↓

Well, I came to tell you the truth about my death.

death truth

↓

But first, since I'm a ghost...

ghost

↓

♪ Oh, my love ♪

love

↓

♪ My darlin' ♪

↓

A lot of being a ghost is helping people craft.

craft ghost helping

↓

So, you said you wanted to tell me the truth about your death.

death truth wanted

↓

Oh, right. Son, my death was no accident.

accident death

↓

I was killed by my brother, Claudius!

brother killed

↓

What? Everyone said your death was your own fault.

death fault

↓

That you ate pool chemicals to not get COVID.

chemicals covid pool

↓

Well, yes, I do listen to Sir Joe of Rogan.

rogan

↓

But that's not how I died. Claudius killed me

died killed

↓

and I need you to avenge me!

↓

-You got it, Dad! -Great.

↓

Also, there's a naked etching of Beowulf under my mattress

mattress naked

↓

that I need you to throw away. Do that part first.

part throw

↓

Oh, and I lost some money betting on ice fishing,

betting fishing lost money

↓

so when a guy named Ivar shows up, you gotta give him a hundred gold coins.

coins gold hundred named shows

↓

A hundred? I don't even have that many.

hundred

↓

Well, you better by the time Ivar comes.

comes

↓

He's 5'7", which is enormous for our time.

enormous

↓

Also, before I died, I told your mother I'd clean the castle eaves--

castle clean died mother

↓

Oh, for God's sake! This is, like, so many things!

gods gods-sake sake

↓

No, it's not, I promise. Just focus on the important stuff, okay?

focus promise stuff

↓

So again, it's etching of Beowulf.

↓

That's the biggie. Gotta get rid of it.

biggie

↓

Then pay Ivar, clean the eaves,

clean

↓

and time permitting, revenge.

revenge

↓

Greetings, fair Hamlet!

fair greetings hamlet

↓

It is I, the king's counsellor, Polonius!

counsellor kings

↓

Are you okay? You look like you're going mad.

↓

Yeah, I just got some disturbing news.

disturbing news

↓

Also, I took a lot of fentanyl,

fentanyl

↓

but I'm pretty sure it's the "news" part.

news part

↓

Ah. Well, listen, there's supposed to be heavy rains tomorrow,

heavy rains supposed tomorrow

↓

and I heard you're now the castle eaves guy--

castle heard

↓

Why is everyone asking me to do stuff?

asking stuff

↓

Aah!

↓

You dick. This is why we need sword control.

control dick sword

↓

I don't know. I think the play is pretty clear

clear

↓

that my problem is mental health.

health mental mental-health problem

↓

Now I'm supposed to give the "to be or not to be" speech,

speech supposed

↓

but I couldn't remember it,

remember

↓

so this is the Kurt Russell speech from Miracle.

kurt kurt-russell miracle russell speech

↓

[clears throat]

clears clears-throat throat

↓

Great moments are born from great opportunity.

born moments opportunity

↓

And that's what you have tonight, boys.

boys tonight

↓

That's what you've earned here tonight.

earned tonight

↓

One game.

game

↓

If we played 'em 12 times, they might win 11.

might played times

↓

But not this game. Not this 12th night.

game night

↓

Tonight, we skate with them.

skate tonight

↓

Tonight, we stay with them.

tonight

↓

And we shut them down because we can!

↓

Tonight, we few, we happy few,

happy tonight

↓

we, band of stinky American college students,

american band college stinky students

↓

are the greatest hockey team in the world!

greatest hockey hockey-team team world

↓

I'm sick and tired of hearing about what a great hockey team the Soviets have.

hearing hockey hockey-team sick team tired

↓

Screw em! This is your time!

screw

↓

Now go out there and take it.

↓

[cheering] U.S.A.!

cheering

↓

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

↓

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

↓

All right, Laertes, I hear Hamlet is plotting to kill me

hamlet kill plotting

↓

and also doing lazy movie references. So I need your help...

lazy movie references

↓

Wait, that's your costume?

costume

↓

They ran out of Shakespeare stuff and I didn't know what to do!

shakespeare stuff

↓

Sorry, it's been a frustrating day.

frustrating

↓

I just found out Sir Mix-a-Lot made a surprise appearance.

appearance found surprise

↓

Who out there likes big butts...

butts likes

↓

Hey, where's Quagmire?

quagmire

↓

Sorry, Cleveland. I'm kinda the leader of that fan club.

cleveland club kinda leader

↓

Have either of you seen my phone?

phone seen

↓

I think I lost it when I smushed Lois' kid.

lois lost

↓

Okay, it's obvious things are going off the rails,

obvious rails

↓

so we're gonna skip ahead to the end.

ahead skip

↓

Claudius decides to kill Hamlet,

decides hamlet kill

↓

there's a lot of scheming, a girl throws herself in the lake.

girl lake throws

↓

Oh... Oh, and I find a very disturbing picture of Beowulf

disturbing picture

↓

and three other guys under my husband's mattress.

husbands mattress three

↓

[Chris] You said it was just Beowulf!

chris

↓

[Peter] It doesn't matter, I said to get rid of it!

matter peter

↓

-En garde! -[grunting]

grunting

↓

What the hell?

↓

-You said you took stage combat. -[breathing heavily]

breathing breathing-heavily combat heavily stage

↓

Yeah, on Zoom! [grunts]

grunts zoom

↓

[groans softly]

groans softly

↓

Well, that was easy. Say your prayers, Hamlet.

easy hamlet prayers

↓

I'm gonna kill you, and then I'm going to the ice rink

kill rink

↓

to watch that great Soviet hockey team.

hockey hockey-team team watch

↓

I am sick and tired of hearing about what a great hockey team the Soviets have!

hearing hockey hockey-team sick team tired

↓

[grunts]

grunts

↓

Audience, do you believe in miracles?

audience believe miracles

↓

[winces]

↓

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

↓

Great job, son. Now, let's drag him behind the castle

behind castle drag

↓

and violate his corpse. Hamlet.

corpse hamlet violate

↓

Let's give it up for the Quahog Players!

players quahog

↓

[cheering and applauding]

applauding cheering

↓

[cheering]

cheering

↓

We did it, Peter! We saved the playhouse!

peter saved

↓

We sure did, Lois.

lois

↓

But the truth is, it wasn't our plays that saved this place.

place plays saved truth

↓

It was Quahog legalizing Lauren Boebert

lauren quahog

↓

over-the-pants handiwork in theaters.

handiwork pants theaters

↓

What was once a boring night out became a celebration

became boring celebration night

↓

as men decorated the inside of their pants

decorated pants

↓

and then fell asleep, while women got left alone

alone asleep fell fell-asleep left left-alone women

↓

to watch whatever the hell was on stage that they wanted to see.

stage wanted watch

↓

Everyone was happy.

happy

↓

Ay... there truly is the rub.

truly

↓

[♪ closing theme music playing]

closing closing-theme closing-theme-music music music-playing playing theme theme-music theme-music-playing