Home » Family Guy » S24E08 — Play Time

Family Guy

Season 24, Episode 8 — Play Time

♪ It seems today That all you see ♪

#1

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♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪

#2

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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

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♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

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[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

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[♪ instrumental music playing]

#10

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Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker,

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reporting live from the historic Quahog Playhouse,

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formerly the Bitcoin Center,

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formerly the Enron Arena, formerly the Lead-Based Paint Pavilion,

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formerly the Chesterton Cigarettes Hall,

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formerly Captain Jerry's Slave Auctionarium.

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Yep, lot of history here, folks.

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But this beloved landmark was about to close

#18

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until a local woman without a job,

#19

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who calls herself a "community activist,"

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decided to mount three plays to try to save it.

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Hello, everyone. As many of you know, I am a community activist.

#22

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Tonight, we'll be performing three plays

#23

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to save this local treasure that none of us supported while it was open.

#24

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But we can't let our fear of COVID shutter another business.

#25

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[man coughs]

#26

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Oh, crap, everybody out! This isn't worth it!

#27

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[man] It's not COVID. I have black lung!

#28

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Oh, thank God. I thought it was something that could affect the rest of us.

#29

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So, without further ado, please enjoy our first play, To Kill a Mockingbird.

#30

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A searing portrait of the Jim Crow South that,

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from Harper Lee to Aaron Sorkin,

#32

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no Black person has ever been allowed to work on. Not once!

#33

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Okay, let's do this! Places, everybody.

#34

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As they say in the theater, break an L-3 vertebra!

#35

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I'm so glad I saved my Colonel Sanders Halloween costume.

#36

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And listen, I don't wanna make anybody nervous,

#37

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but I just found out an agent is here.

#38

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From Allstate. We play this right, we're all gonna get earthquake coverage.

#39

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[applauding]

#40

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Ah, the 1930s, when the South was 90 percent porch.

#41

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-Mail for Fatticus Inch! -Ah, yes, thank you.

#42

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Boy, I'm really schvitzin' in this heat.

#43

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Uh, okay. That'll be all, mailman.

#44

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Screw you, putz! My pharmacy is sponsoring this play.

#45

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Anyone who claps for me gets their Oxycontin prescription refilled,

#46

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no questions asked.

#47

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-Not you two. -[both] Aww.

#48

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The opioid crisis has turned pharmacists into Gods.

#49

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Dad, some of the kids at school said

#50

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you're defending a Black man accused by a white woman.

#51

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That's right, Scout.

#52

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Everyone in this country is entitled to good legal counsel.

#53

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And they also said one time in court,

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you sat on your balls and fainted.

#55

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Who the hell are these kids? They shouldn't be talking about that.

#56

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Now, hey, it's getting late. Where's your brother, Jem?

#57

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Here I am, Pop! Uh, everybody's already on their phones.

#58

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I'm gonna have a Patti LuPone meltdown if a ringer goes off.

#59

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[phone rings]

#60

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Oh, God, I do have to take this.

#61

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Patti, hi! No, I can talk.

#62

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Say, Scout, I see you're playing with a new toy.

#63

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Yeah, it was left for me in a tree by Poo Badley.

#64

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Ah, Poo Badley. A guy obsessed with children and AR-15s.

#65

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He seems like someone I wanna leave you alone with later in the play.

#66

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All right, let's pretend to walk to the next scene.

#67

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[♪ music playing]

#68

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Fun fact, that's the same tree

#69

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from the Wizard of Oz that the munchkin used to hang himself.

#70

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What part of that is fun?

#71

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Munchkin.

#72

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That Black man violated me and besmirched my virtue.

#73

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Cleveland, how could you?

#74

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You're supposed to be on my side!

#75

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And my character's name is Tom!

#76

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Can't believe I missed a Rob Base concert for this.

#77

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And I'm his biggest fan.

#78

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Hey, yo Quahog, how many does it take to make a thing go right?

#79

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Hey, wait, where's Cleveland?

#80

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Fatticus Inch for the defense, Your Honor.

#81

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Now, if I may begin.

#82

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Hello to the all-white jury,

#83

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the all-white gallery,

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and the very rickety segregated balcony.

#85

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Are you sure this balcony is safe?

#86

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Of course you're safe!

#87

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You think a guy like me roots for people

#88

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to fall and have horrible spinal injuries?

#89

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Especially when my Murderball team needs

#90

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four new players for regionals.

#91

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What size jerseys are you guys...

#92

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I mean, you're safe. Totally safe!

#93

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Now, Miss Ewell, you said my client assaulted you,

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but you have a history of telling falsehoods, do you not?

#95

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No, Mr. Inch. I have always told the truth.

#96

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Is that right? And when you worked at West Elm,

#97

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did you or did you not tell me that fake leather chairs

#98

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look just as good as the real thing?

#99

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Well, so what if I did?

#100

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You know, there's a rumor that John Rockefeller has West Elm chairs.

#101

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Objection, Your Honor! She's trying to sell the jury terrible furniture!

#102

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Sustained!

#103

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Yes, and now that we've established that,

#104

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you said my client gave you a black eye with his right hand.

#105

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But that's impossible, isn't it?

#106

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'Cause everyone knows that for the last two weeks,

#107

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he's been stuck in a Chinese Finger Trap.

#108

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That's you!

#109

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Forgive me, Your Honor. Me play joke.

#110

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-It's the 1930s, so I can say that. -I'll allow it.

#111

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And isn't it also true that your father has a history of abusing you,

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and also has the strongest right arm in town?

#113

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That's outrageous! I'm so mad, I'm gonna punch my daughter tonight!

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-[gallery gasps] -I mean...

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-I mean, someone else's daughter. -[gasps]

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I mean, a son who disappointed me at sports.

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[sighs in relief]

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Ah, damn it. He saved it.

#119

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God, it's so obvious Tom is innocent.

#120

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Our society is blinded by prejudice.

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Oh, that's so deep. Nice armchair activism.

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Are... Are you a mockingbird?

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[mimicking] "Are you a mockingbird?" That's how you sound, dude.

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-Leave me alone. -Fat Snoopy says what?

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You little jerk! How dare you call me that?

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What're you gonna do,

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-you're not gonna do anything. -[growling]

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Yeah, Mike Tyson, sit back down.

#129

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You know, this story is actually pretty good. Now I regret banning it.

#130

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And that is why I am confident

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that you will find my client not guilty.

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Don't worry, we've got this in the bag.

#133

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We find the Black guy guilty.

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-Aw, nuts. -So, are they gonna kill me now?

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Yeah, but it'll be offstage.

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This play about racism is about how it affects white people.

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All right, we're done here.

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Kids, why don't you walk home together in the dark?

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Take Stab Street to Knifey Lane.

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And remember, there's no street lights

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'cause the rural South still doesn't have electricity in this time period,

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which is underratedly shocking.

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It was basically North Korea!

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What a horrible injustice.

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God, this country is racist.

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Oh, yeah? I looked up your Instagram.

#147

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You sang Gold Digger at karaoke and you said all the words.

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That's it! I'm gonna kill a mockingbird! [barks]

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I can't believe our son is in a play!

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In a play?

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He's in a scene where they said the title!

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All right, Scout and Jem are walking home!

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Prepare the nighttime set!

#154

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It's the "Mac Tonight" moon from the McDonald's ads.

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Created to increase dinner business.

#156

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I really like that moon.

#157

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Hey, crazy Idea... you wanna go to McDonald's after, like, 5:00 p.m.?

#158

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There you kids are! I'm mad at your dad,

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so I'm gonna stab you to get back at him.

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And I'm confident that no lunatic

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will coincidently show up to stop me

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because that would be very bad writing!

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-Get away from those kids! -Ow!

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Poo Badley? The scary recluse?

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That's right! There was never any reason to be afraid of me.

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And to prove it, I'm gonna murder this guy.

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[grunting] Stop!

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This isn't what we blocked.

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Damn it, Chris, you said you took stage combat. Ooh!

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Wow. Thank you for saving us.

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No problem. So let's sum up the messages of this award-winning play.

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It's good for your daughter to have an older, physically aggressive man

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follow her around, and women who accuse men of sexual assault are liars.

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I did it! I killed a mockingbird!

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Nooo!

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Honey, honey. He's acting.

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[Brian growls]

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He's good.

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[♪ instrumental music playing]

#180

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God, did you guys read everyone's bios?

#181

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"Lois Griffin was the body double for Amy Adams

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in American Hustle."

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Yeah, right. What a lying hag.

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Yeah, look at this. "Glenn Quagmire would like to thank Stella Adler?"

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He never studied with Stella Adler.

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[Quagmire] I can still thank her, Brian! I can still be grateful!

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Hey, guys? Big news.

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I just found out a manager is here. From Panera.

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We nail this, we're all gonna get free bread bowls!

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I think we have to stop getting excited about Dad's announcements.

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And now for our next play.

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In the 1960s, a young playwright named Neil Simon

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posed a question...

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What if Broadway could be more Jewish?

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Ladies and gentlemen, The Odd Couple.

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[♪ music playing]

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Ah, what a great day to be the last non-Hispanic man named Oscar.

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[doorbell rings]

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Hi, Oscar. Sorry to bother you,

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but I need a place to stay because my wife just threw me out.

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Aww, that's too bad, Felix. Did she take the Nintendo Switch?

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-No, I grabbed it. -Come on in.

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Oh, good. I was so scared to ask because we're so different.

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I mean, two white guys

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with slightly different standards of neatness

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sharing the same apartment?

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And even though we both have solid careers

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in an era of famously depressed New York real estate,

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it makes sense we should split rent.

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-So that will be $40. -What?

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Yep, three months upfront.

#212

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All right, let's play some 1960s cigar-chewy,

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pulling-on-suspenders poker.

#214

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-Oh, no, I just cleaned! -Whoops!

#215

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Oh, man, different standards of neatness.

#216

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This is definitely a play, movie, and three TV shows worth of comedy.

#217

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Hmm. I... I don't know.

#218

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Shouldn't the fastidious one be the person who originally has the apartment,

#219

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not the person coming to stay there?

#220

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Who cares if their guest is neat?

#221

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Don't poke holes in the premise.

#222

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I missed Rob Base for this!

#223

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And he was touring with Tone Loc!

#224

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What's up, Quahog? Now, tell me something...

#225

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do you like your medina not funky and hot?

#226

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[crowd] Nooo!

#227

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My favorite part is the pre-song banter.

#228

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Well, time to read one of the 18 newspapers we have here in New York.

#229

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Ah, one plus of this era is I'll never forget

#230

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how to spell the word "assassinated".

#231

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Hey, do you guys think we're cowards for not fighting in Vietnam?

#232

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As much as I love killing babies,

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I'm happy to be right here in New York City.

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Plus, if we were over there,

#235

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who's gonna spit on the soldiers when they get back?

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Hang on, guys. I want to turn on the radio for the ball game

#237

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so it surprises us later in the play.

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And what else is going on?

#239

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Cleveland, I hear you're on trial for sexual assault?

#240

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That was the last play!

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Speaking of which,

#242

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are you guys ever gonna get us down?

#243

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Uh, we're working on it, Donna.

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Well, that's not good enough.

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Let me handle this. As a cop, I've had a lot of experience

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stonewalling upset women.

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I'll just "ma'am" her 'til she stops.

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-Ma'am-- -Don't you "ma'am" me!

#249

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-Ma'am. Ma'am. -Don't you use that cop trick.

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You think I'm going away?

#251

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-I'm not going away! -Ma'am.

#252

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-You will get us down from here! -Ma'am. Ma'am.

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You will give me answers and if you don't...

#254

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-Ma'am. -I will find your superior

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and I will get answers from him because I am not going to be ignored!

#256

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-I wanna get down! -Ma'am.

#257

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Good news. The Pigeon Sisters are coming over for dinner tonight.

#258

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They are almost 23, which means they are desperate to get married.

#259

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And like all women of this era,

#260

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I hear the Pigeon Sisters have pretty prominent nests.

#261

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Peter, my dad is in the audience, all right? Please stay on book.

#262

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Also, I'm not sure I'm ready to date again.

#263

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Oh. Is this 'cause I only have one rubber from the Army for the two of us to split?

#264

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It's got some miles on it, though,

#265

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so you might wanna use a shoelace to tie down.

#266

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I'm sorry, Glenn, I don't think this is for me.

#267

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Damn it, Peter! None of this is in the play!

#268

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[sighs] But I'll give dating a shot.

#269

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Just let me go to the bathroom and freshen up.

#270

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Peter! Did you go in the prop toilet?

#271

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Oh, I thought you said the plop toilet!

#272

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Oh, boy, that's a biggie.

#273

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Will assistant stage manager Meg Griffin please come to stage right?

#274

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And bring the grill tongs.

#275

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Welcome, ladies.

#276

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Now, if you'll excuse me for a moment,

#277

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it's a New York play and I haven't yelled anything out my window today.

#278

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Taxi!

#279

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[Italian guy] Hey, keep it down over there!

#280

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You keep it down!

#281

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Asking neighbors to speak at a lower volume

#282

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is a hallmark of apartment-based theater.

#283

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So, tell us about yourselves.

#284

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Well, we were both lobotomized as teenagers for being willful.

#285

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Yeah, and I had a fiance, but he was brutally killed in the war--

#286

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[announcer on radio] And it's outta here! Home run for Mickey Mantle!

#287

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Whoa, he did it! That son-of-a-gun!

#288

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I'm sorry, ladies, please continue.

#289

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Uh, Oscar, can we talk privately for a moment?

#290

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Sure, just give me a second. I just gotta use the plop sink.

#291

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Damn it, Oscar! I'm not comfortable doing this.

#292

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It's all happening too fast for me.

#293

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I miss my wife.

#294

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What's wrong with you? Those chicks are hot!

#295

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And they live in our building. So when things go south,

#296

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we'll still see 'em every day.

#297

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And often for a slow, iron-gate elevator ride.

#298

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[TV playing indistinctly]

#299

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Hey, did you guys know that Picasso is still alive?

#300

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I was way off on that by, like, 300 years.

#301

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[Neil Armstrong] That's one small step for man...

#302

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God, this is so boring. I'm changing the channel.

#303

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-[♪ peppy music plays] -Ah, here we go. The Dating Game.

#304

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We're all gonna remember where we were when we saw this.

#305

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[whispers] Hey, put the rubber on the radiator.

#306

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Chicks love it when the rubber's hot.

#307

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So, Felix, I hear you're a news writer.

#308

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Uh, that's right. And Oscar is a sports writer.

#309

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[laughs] Writers in two totally different departments!

#310

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On the same floor, but still!

#311

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Uh, listen, you're very beautiful,

#312

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but so is the woman who just broke my heart,

#313

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so I can't in good conscience--

#314

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You know what? This is a stupid play.

#315

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No single guy in New York would ever turn down any kind of sex,

#316

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especially in the '60s.

#317

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Come on girls, we're going to my room.

#318

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There you go, Felix. Now you're getting the hang of it.

#319

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Wait a minute, that's my wife!

#320

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[Quagmire] It's our characters having sex, Peter, not us.

#321

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[Lois] Oh, Glenn, is that a hot rubber?

#322

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[Bonnie] Yeah, we women love that!

#323

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[♪ music playing]

#324

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So, you're really kicking me out, huh?

#325

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Yeah, get lost pal. I already found a better New York roommate.

#326

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Well, I'm out!

#327

⇓

Boo! This sucks!

#328

⇓

No, don't heckle, Kramer!

#329

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Well, that guy over there is a--

#330

⇓

[grunts]

#331

⇓

[groaning]

#332

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Ah. Well, that's fitting, I guess.

#333

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Okay, I've got a medium and an XL Murderball jersey.

#334

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Who's not feeling anything from the waist down?

#335

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All right, and it's time for our final play of the evening...

#336

⇓

William Shakespeare's Hamlet.

#337

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There's something rotten in Denmark.

#338

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That's Peter's fault. The grill tongs just broke it in half.

#339

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We're dealing with it.

#340

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Good morrow, dear Mother!

#341

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Thou wanted to seeth me on this fine day in Denmark?

#342

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[announcer on radio] And that ball's gone!

#343

⇓

Home run number 500 for Mickey Mantle!

#344

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Sorry, that was from the last play, sorry.

#345

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Look, I called you in here because I have bad news.

#346

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Your father, the king, is dead.

#347

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Well, that's quite tragic.

#348

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But I see no reason to descend into madness

#349

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as long as thou doesn't immediately marry someone he was related to--

#350

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So I am married his brother, Claudius.

#351

⇓

Thou hast what?

#352

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Hey there, new stepson! Sorry I'm late,

#353

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I was dealing with some of those jokers from Norway.

#354

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Norway is our rival.

#355

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Listen, I know things are a little awkward, but remember,

#356

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I'm still the same uncle you've always known,

#357

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except now I'm having sex with your mom.

#358

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[announcer on radio] And Mantle is coming out to tip his cap to the fans.

#359

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Sorry, second radio.

#360

⇓

Ah, lady archers, pulling on their bows

#361

⇓

with their overly developed triceps.

#362

⇓

Ay, there's the rub...

#363

⇓

He he. Classy masturbation joke, son.

#364

⇓

Dad? But you died!

#365

⇓

That means you're a guh-guh-guh-guh-ghost!

#366

⇓

Yeah, but calm down. This is Shakespeare, not Scooby Doo.

#367

⇓

So, what are you doing here?

#368

⇓

Well, I came to tell you the truth about my death.

#369

⇓

But first, since I'm a ghost...

#370

⇓

♪ Oh, my love ♪

#371

⇓

♪ My darlin' ♪

#372

⇓

A lot of being a ghost is helping people craft.

#373

⇓

So, you said you wanted to tell me the truth about your death.

#374

⇓

Oh, right. Son, my death was no accident.

#375

⇓

I was killed by my brother, Claudius!

#376

⇓

What? Everyone said your death was your own fault.

#377

⇓

That you ate pool chemicals to not get COVID.

#378

⇓

Well, yes, I do listen to Sir Joe of Rogan.

#379

⇓

But that's not how I died. Claudius killed me

#380

⇓

and I need you to avenge me!

#381

⇓

-You got it, Dad! -Great.

#382

⇓

Also, there's a naked etching of Beowulf under my mattress

#383

⇓

that I need you to throw away. Do that part first.

#384

⇓

Oh, and I lost some money betting on ice fishing,

#385

⇓

so when a guy named Ivar shows up, you gotta give him a hundred gold coins.

#386

⇓

A hundred? I don't even have that many.

#387

⇓

Well, you better by the time Ivar comes.

#388

⇓

He's 5'7", which is enormous for our time.

#389

⇓

Also, before I died, I told your mother I'd clean the castle eaves--

#390

⇓

Oh, for God's sake! This is, like, so many things!

#391

⇓

No, it's not, I promise. Just focus on the important stuff, okay?

#392

⇓

So again, it's etching of Beowulf.

#393

⇓

That's the biggie. Gotta get rid of it.

#394

⇓

Then pay Ivar, clean the eaves,

#395

⇓

and time permitting, revenge.

#396

⇓

Greetings, fair Hamlet!

#397

⇓

It is I, the king's counsellor, Polonius!

#398

⇓

Are you okay? You look like you're going mad.

#399

⇓

Yeah, I just got some disturbing news.

#400

⇓

Also, I took a lot of fentanyl,

#401

⇓

but I'm pretty sure it's the "news" part.

#402

⇓

Ah. Well, listen, there's supposed to be heavy rains tomorrow,

#403

⇓

and I heard you're now the castle eaves guy--

#404

⇓

Why is everyone asking me to do stuff?

#405

⇓

Aah!

#406

⇓

You dick. This is why we need sword control.

#407

⇓

I don't know. I think the play is pretty clear

#408

⇓

that my problem is mental health.

#409

⇓

Now I'm supposed to give the "to be or not to be" speech,

#410

⇓

but I couldn't remember it,

#411

⇓

so this is the Kurt Russell speech from Miracle.

#412

⇓

[clears throat]

#413

⇓

Great moments are born from great opportunity.

#414

⇓

And that's what you have tonight, boys.

#415

⇓

That's what you've earned here tonight.

#416

⇓

One game.

#417

⇓

If we played 'em 12 times, they might win 11.

#418

⇓

But not this game. Not this 12th night.

#419

⇓

Tonight, we skate with them.

#420

⇓

Tonight, we stay with them.

#421

⇓

And we shut them down because we can!

#422

⇓

Tonight, we few, we happy few,

#423

⇓

we, band of stinky American college students,

#424

⇓

are the greatest hockey team in the world!

#425

⇓

I'm sick and tired of hearing about what a great hockey team the Soviets have.

#426

⇓

Screw em! This is your time!

#427

⇓

Now go out there and take it.

#428

⇓

[cheering] U.S.A.!

#429

⇓

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

#430

⇓

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

#431

⇓

All right, Laertes, I hear Hamlet is plotting to kill me

#432

⇓

and also doing lazy movie references. So I need your help...

#433

⇓

Wait, that's your costume?

#434

⇓

They ran out of Shakespeare stuff and I didn't know what to do!

#435

⇓

Sorry, it's been a frustrating day.

#436

⇓

I just found out Sir Mix-a-Lot made a surprise appearance.

#437

⇓

Who out there likes big butts...

#438

⇓

Hey, where's Quagmire?

#439

⇓

Sorry, Cleveland. I'm kinda the leader of that fan club.

#440

⇓

Have either of you seen my phone?

#441

⇓

I think I lost it when I smushed Lois' kid.

#442

⇓

Okay, it's obvious things are going off the rails,

#443

⇓

so we're gonna skip ahead to the end.

#444

⇓

Claudius decides to kill Hamlet,

#445

⇓

there's a lot of scheming, a girl throws herself in the lake.

#446

⇓

Oh... Oh, and I find a very disturbing picture of Beowulf

#447

⇓

and three other guys under my husband's mattress.

#448

⇓

[Chris] You said it was just Beowulf!

#449

⇓

[Peter] It doesn't matter, I said to get rid of it!

#450

⇓

-En garde! -[grunting]

#451

⇓

What the hell?

#452

⇓

-You said you took stage combat. -[breathing heavily]

#453

⇓

Yeah, on Zoom! [grunts]

#454

⇓

[groans softly]

#455

⇓

Well, that was easy. Say your prayers, Hamlet.

#456

⇓

I'm gonna kill you, and then I'm going to the ice rink

#457

⇓

to watch that great Soviet hockey team.

#458

⇓

I am sick and tired of hearing about what a great hockey team the Soviets have!

#459

⇓

[grunts]

#460

⇓

Audience, do you believe in miracles?

#461

⇓

[winces]

#462

⇓

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

#463

⇓

Great job, son. Now, let's drag him behind the castle

#464

⇓

and violate his corpse. Hamlet.

#465

⇓

Let's give it up for the Quahog Players!

#466

⇓

[cheering and applauding]

#467

⇓

[cheering]

#468

⇓

We did it, Peter! We saved the playhouse!

#469

⇓

We sure did, Lois.

#470

⇓

But the truth is, it wasn't our plays that saved this place.

#471

⇓

It was Quahog legalizing Lauren Boebert

#472

⇓

over-the-pants handiwork in theaters.

#473

⇓

What was once a boring night out became a celebration

#474

⇓

as men decorated the inside of their pants

#475

⇓

and then fell asleep, while women got left alone

#476

⇓

to watch whatever the hell was on stage that they wanted to see.

#477

⇓

Everyone was happy.

#478

⇓

Ay... there truly is the rub.

#479

⇓

[♪ closing theme music playing]

#480

⇓