Home » Family Guy » S24E07 — Scent of a Woman

Family Guy

Season 24, Episode 7 — Scent of a Woman

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

#1

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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

#2

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♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

#3

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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

#4

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

#5

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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

#6

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♪ All the things That make us ♪

#7

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♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

#8

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[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

#9

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[♪ theme music playing]

#10

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Hey, did you think any more about

#11

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how you want to celebrate your birthday?

#12

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It's coming up quick?

#13

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Oh, yeah, I thought a Toronto Raptors themed sleepover could be fun.

#14

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Why do you always like the worst version of everything?

#15

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That is not true.

#16

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[gasps] I'll be right back.

#17

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I forgot I'm out of Toms of West Virginia toothpaste.

#18

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Same stuff as Maine, but made for less teeth.

#19

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Ugh, look at all the Jewish candy bars Mort's got in here.

#20

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One Musketeer, Bubble Yuk,

#21

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Oy Henry, Almond Content But Not Quite Joy.

#22

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Forget that, check this out.

#23

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I can tell you exactly which ailment each of these people in line has.

#24

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What? How can you do that?

#25

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It's a known fact. Dogs can smell all kinds of different medical conditions.

#26

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Watch. [sniffs]

#27

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She has diabetes.

#28

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[sniffs] He has migraines.

#29

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[sniffs] And that guy's got...

#30

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um, that... that thing... What's the thing

#31

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that Magic Johnson has...

#32

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-AIDS? -Yeah, that.

#33

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You forgot about AIDS?

#34

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It was never a dog thing.

#35

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[♪ upbeat music playing]

#36

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There's always one who shows up in their pajamas

#37

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'cause they don't wanna change in a strange house.

#38

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It's four o'clock, dear.

#39

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You're gonna ruin those slippers walking from the car.

#40

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I don't care.

#41

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You guys all know Patty, Ruth and Esther.

#42

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And since we're a modern teenage friend group,

#43

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here's our gender-neutral friend, Devin.

#44

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Lois, what's with that kid?

#45

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Every piece of clothing saying something different.

#46

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Peter, be nice.

#47

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You can't freak out like this.

#48

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Don't worry, I can be subtle.

#49

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[shouts] What are you? Declare yourself!

#50

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Why don't you just go to the garage and mutter while kicking stuff?

#51

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Stupid worlds passing me by.

#52

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Everyone needs to be something.

#53

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How does anything make sense if everybody's everything?

#54

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[♪ upbeat music playing]

#55

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[all laughing]

#56

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Ew, Dad, what are you doing?

#57

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Sorry, Meg, all dads are required

#58

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to walk shirtless through any teen party

#59

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while they drink a canned beverage

#60

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that was discontinued in the '90s.

#61

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Sip of Surge, anyone?

#62

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Devin, sip of Surge.

#63

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Can you please leave?

#64

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We're about to play Truth or Dare.

#65

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"Truth or Dare?"

#66

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Is that that game where you hide and go seek?

#67

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No. You either have to answer a question with total honesty

#68

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or do something crazy that people make up.

#69

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I went with my version, but how about I play with you?

#70

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Um, sure, Dad,

#71

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I dare you to get the hell out of here.

#72

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[laughs] On it.

#73

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[panting]

#74

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Check it out, Lois. I'm playing Truth or Dare with Meg.

#75

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You're really not, Peter.

#76

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But, hey, I'll play Truth or Dare with you.

#77

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After all, we've never played together.

#78

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Really? Okay, I pick "Dare."

#79

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All right, um...

#80

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I dare you... [laughs]

#81

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...to lick the Swansons' mailbox.

#82

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-[both laughing] -Watch me.

#83

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[♪ thrilling instrumental music playing]

#84

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Damn it, if he gets my TV guide soggy, I'm gonna be furious.

#85

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You still get TV guide?

#86

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There's still TV.

#87

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[both laughing]

#88

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Okay, okay. Your turn.

#89

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All right... truth.

#90

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Okay, let's see, um,

#91

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how many men have you slept with in your lifetime?

#92

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-Dare. -What?

#93

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You can't just change.

#94

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Peter, it's my right to choose from the two options,

#95

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and I choose dare.

#96

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It's no big deal. I'll tell you my number.

#97

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I'll admit, I was a bit of a Lothario back in my day,

#98

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I slept with two whole women.

#99

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Seven, if you count finishing during long hugs.

#100

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Peter, I'm not answering.

#101

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Come on, it's fine. Just say the number.

#102

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Keep it in mind that any number other than zero

#103

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will send me into a 10-year spiral.

#104

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This conversation is over. I'm going to bed.

#105

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No, not till this is settled.

#106

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I mean, now it's a safety issue.

#107

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I gotta know if I need to wear this old timey scuba helmet

#108

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before I give you the Michael Douglas special.

#109

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[♪ upbeat music playing]

#110

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Somebody grab the Ouija board.

#111

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I want to ask Jeffrey Epstein's ghost if he really killed himself.

#112

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Have any of you seen a squeaky chew toy

#113

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in the shape of a rolled-up newspaper?

#114

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Headline reads, "Chewie defeats Chewman?"

#115

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No, Brian, we haven't seen your gross toy.

#116

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-Please leave. -Fine. [sighs]

#117

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I'm not gonna leave completely empty handed.

#118

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You guys, I think Jeffrey Epstein is coming through.

#119

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Hey, how old...

#120

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are you... ladies?

#121

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[gasps] It's him.

#122

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[♪ upbeat music playing]

#123

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[sniffing and panting]

#124

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Mmm, yeah, that's good chewing.

#125

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And this, Emma, is where the magic hat--

#126

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I thought you lived alone.

#127

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Nice going, Brian.

#128

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You know how hard it was to go from being

#129

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duct taped to my seat to bringing her home?

#130

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What are you even doing?

#131

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Kind of just chewing and sniffing Patty's bra.

#132

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-Ugh, creepy. -It's not creepy. I'm a dog.

#133

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If I don't chew something every 40 minutes,

#134

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I go fricking crazy.

#135

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[sniffs]

#136

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Oh, my God! That's not good.

#137

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What? I'm getting a whiff of breast cancer from Patty's bra.

#138

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I think Patty may have breast cancer.

#139

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What? First Celine Dion gets stiff person syndrome, and now this?

#140

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-It's so damn unfair. -All right, calm down.

#141

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No, Brian, I'm still processing stiff person syndrome,

#142

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which is definitely a real thing

#143

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and not a way of getting out of Vegas shows

#144

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that your agent husband roped you into.

#145

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-I think we're getting off-track. -Maybe.

#146

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But if Patty has breast cancer,

#147

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you have to tell Meg right away.

#148

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I can't do that. Then she'll know I took the bra.

#149

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You need to tell her, Brian,

#150

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even though it's hard to break bad news.

#151

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And I should know, I used to be a department store spokesperson.

#152

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As of today, Macy's is closing one hundred of its stores.

#153

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So to be clear, that's a hundred places

#154

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you can no longer buy funeral shirts on a day's notice.

#155

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Everyone is going to have to start thinking

#156

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about their funerals, at least two days before.

#157

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But where else can shoppers get nice watches that aren't actually nice?

#158

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Or take a dump in the mall without having to buy something?

#159

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I suppose those will both have to be done at Nordstrom.

#160

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After all, Nordstrom is a thriving business--

#161

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Sir, from Nordstrom Corporate.

#162

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[sighs] Okay, gang, this is just a body blow of a day.

#163

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[♪ upbeat music playing]

#164

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Uh... hey, Meg. How was the sleepover?

#165

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Good. The Ouija board really came to life.

#166

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Some guy named Rene said to stop making fun of his wife

#167

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and that stiff person syndrome is a real thing.

#168

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Listen, there's something important I need to tell you.

#169

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Last night, I took Patty's bra to chew and sniff,

#170

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and I think Patty may have breast cancer.

#171

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[gasps] Oh, my God! Oh, I've got to call her right away.

#172

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I mean, she's... wait a minute.

#173

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Patty left here fully dressed.

#174

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Let me see that bra. Do you have it?

#175

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Brian? That's my bra.

#176

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Oh, cool. We're taking our bras off?

#177

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[sighs in relief]

#178

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The girls are out to play.

#179

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Welp, time to go tease the boys down at the DQ.

#180

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They don't open till 11:00, and the Starbucks said I couldn't wait inside.

#181

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[♪ jazz music playing]

#182

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Look, I know this must be stressful.

#183

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Sure you don't wanna tell Lois about the breast cancer?

#184

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No, I don't want to worry her until I know for sure.

#185

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Well, what about telling Peter?

#186

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I actually tried, but he was super distracted,

#187

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'cause he got one of those dollies

#188

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that mechanics used to slide under cars.

#189

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Dad, there's something important I need--

#190

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What is it, Meg? I'm very busy de-Boogey-Manning the bed.

#191

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Chris, bring my ratchet and some cinnamon. They don't like cinnamon.

#192

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I'm not sure that's gonna work.

#193

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Well, that's a very vertical opinion.

#194

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I've seen Monsters, Inc and Monsters University.

#195

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I think I know what I'm doing.

#196

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Siri, what's another word for "jugs?"

#197

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[Siri] Breasts?

#198

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I understand you may have breasts cancer.

#199

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Well, that's what we want to find out.

#200

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Mm. But you seem young and healthy.

#201

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What brought you in?

#202

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My dog smelled cancer on my bra.

#203

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Oh, a dog smelled it? They're like never wrong.

#204

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We've actually got three of them on staff here.

#205

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This guy graduated from Muttgers.

#206

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This one from UC Barkley.

#207

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And she went to Bitch-igan State.

#208

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I'm kidding. They all went to Texas Christian,

#209

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but they're smart. They're good.

#210

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"Grr-due" is another one. But what's Meg's prognosis?

#211

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We'll wait for her test results as a formality,

#212

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but if a dog smelled cancer on her, I'm not optimistic.

#213

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Meg. If you have anything on your bucket list,

#214

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this could be the time.

#215

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[gasps] Are you saying I'm dying?

#216

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Siri, what's a good excuse to leave the room?

#217

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[Siri] Diarrhea is always an excellent excuse to leave any room.

#218

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Oh, please excuse me, my phone has diarrhea.

#219

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[♪ upbeat music playing]

#220

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You guys are not gonna believe this.

#221

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Lois and I played Truth or Dare the other night,

#222

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but when I asked her how many guys she's had sex with,

#223

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she wouldn't answer.

#224

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I gotta know! It's driving me crazy!

#225

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Well, Bonnie's only ever been with one man,

#226

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-and you're looking at him. -You sure about that?

#227

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Yeah. She got chlamydia from a toilet seat. We talked about it.

#228

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Then the toilet seat sent her flowers because it felt bad.

#229

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Open-and-shut case.

#230

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[♪ slow instrumental music]

#231

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So is a cancer diagnosis.

#232

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A "radio on" or a "radio off" situation?

#233

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You can turn it on.

#234

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[♪ upbeat music] ♪ She bangs, she bangs ♪

#235

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♪ I'm wasted by the way... ♪

#236

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[turns radio off] We'll just go without.

#237

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You know, part of me is like,

#238

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I should probably tell mom and dad about this,

#239

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but another part of me is like, why bother?

#240

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I mean, no one in this family even cares about me anyway.

#241

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Come on. I'm here for you, Meg.

#242

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We gotta come up with some way to get your mind off this.

#243

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Maybe Dr. Hartman was right.

#244

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Is there a bucket list item you've always wanted to do,

#245

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but you never had the chance?

#246

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-I don't know. -Anything, Meg.

#247

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Sky's the limit. No dream is too big.

#248

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-Anything? -Anything.

#249

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Well...

#250

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I've always wanted to pick out on Garbage Can Nachos

#251

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at Chaz Inferno's Restaurant in Orlando.

#252

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Th... that's it? Yeah, we... we can do that.

#253

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Really? Would we need to contact Make-A-Wish?

#254

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Like, how would we even do that?

#255

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I think just go there and order them.

#256

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Well, can we go right now?

#257

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Absolutely. Let's do it.

#258

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♪ Talk to me ♪

#259

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♪ Tell me your sign ♪

#260

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♪ You're switchin' sides like a gemini ♪

#261

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♪ You're playing games and now you're hittin' my heart ♪

#262

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♪ Like a drum, yeah baby ♪

#263

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♪ Well, if Lady Luck gets on my side ♪

#264

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♪ We're gonna rock this town alive ♪

#265

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♪ I'll let her rough me up ♪

#266

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♪ 'Til she knocks me out ♪

#267

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♪ 'Cause she walks like she talks ♪

#268

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♪ And she talks like she walks ♪

#269

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♪ She bangs, she bangs ♪

#270

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♪ Oh, baby when... ♪

#271

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Look at that. Atlanta, twenty miles.

#272

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You know, they say Atlanta has the best strip clubs in the world.

#273

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-Okay. -They say NBA players

#274

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fly in from all over to go to these clubs.

#275

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And they can go anywhere like Shaquille O'Neal goes to these clubs.

#276

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It's been documented in court filings, and if I'm not mistaken,

#277

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the Raptors are in town playing the Hawks tonight.

#278

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See, Brian, you're the only one who ever pays attention to what I care about.

#279

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Let's do it.

#280

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Plus, you've got cancer so you can eat whatever you want.

#281

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We don't have to look at the strippers.

#282

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They got big trays of ziti in there.

#283

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[♪ dance music playing softly]

#284

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[cheering and whistling]

#285

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I got a bunch of quarters from the change machine

#286

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so I can support the strippers.

#287

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Ow, what are you doing?

#288

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Come on, I'm making it hail.

#289

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Damn it! Knock it off!

#290

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Hey, that one's a bicentennial.

#291

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What? I'm gonna need that back.

#292

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[♪ upbeat music playing]

#293

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Where's Meg and Brian?

#294

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I don't know, but he just posted a close up photo

#295

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of a big tray of strip club ziti,

#296

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and he tagged Meg, so I have to assume they're fine.

#297

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Okay, good, they're eating. Then we don't have to wait.

#298

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Chris, can you please pass the peas

#299

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and ask your mother

#300

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how many peas she's had in her mouth?

#301

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Peter, that's enough.

#302

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Chris, can you also ask your mother to pass the chicken

#303

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and then ask her if the number of people she slept with is more or less

#304

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than the number of herbs and spices in the Colonel's secret recipe?

#305

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Slow down, I can't keep track of all the foods you want passed.

#306

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Chris, Chris, he's just doing a bit.

#307

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[♪ upbeat music playing]

#308

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Okay, this is us.

#309

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Sorry, I couldn't get us a nicer place.

#310

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Are you kidding?

#311

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I recognized the guy who checked us in from intervention.

#312

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Okay, there's a salamander in our coffee pot,

#313

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I'm gonna go see if I can swap that out.

#314

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[cell phone ringing]

#315

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-Hello, Dr. Hartman. -[Dr. Hartman] Hi, Meg,

#316

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you're gonna hear things in the background of this call

#317

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that make you think I'm at a Dave & Buster's.

#318

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I assure you, I am not at a Dave and Buster's

#319

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-[machine dings] -[game voice] What a shot!

#320

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We're doing Covid boosters.

#321

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Are you calling with my test results?

#322

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Oh, yes. Yes, I am.

#323

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-[dings] -[game voice] Long distance.

#324

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Ignore that. That's just a medical device.

#325

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Oh, my God! Do I have cancer?

#326

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-Yes! -Oh, no.

#327

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-Sorry. What? -I have cancer?

#328

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Oh, no, no cancer. Your tests all came back negative.

#329

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Oh, thank God. What a relief.

#330

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Do you not have any paper menus?

#331

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It's only a QR code?

#332

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Thank you so much, Dr. Hartman.

#333

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Yeah. Yeah, mazel tov. I just want mozzarella sticks.

#334

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Why are you making this so hard?

#335

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[phone beeps]

#336

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Brian, I have great news to tell you.

#337

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Perfect. Thanks again.

#338

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I actually have great news too, Meg, get this.

#339

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I managed to get your story to Chaz Inferno himself.

#340

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And not only is he gonna personally make you

#341

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Garbage Can Nachos,

#342

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he's also giving us a $35 dine-in credit,

#343

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and he's gonna cut your hair and frost your tips, table-side.

#344

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What? That's amazing.

#345

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And what's your good news?

#346

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Oh, um...

#347

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Brian, look at this plaque.

#348

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It's a historic room.

#349

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Someone from Girls Gone Wild died in here.

#350

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Oh, I remember her. She didn't want to go wild.

#351

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But then her friend told her to. So she did.

#352

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-Whoa! -Yeah.

#353

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She's still in Rob Schneider's phone.

#354

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[♪ upbeat music playing]

#355

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Well, well, you must be Brian and Meg.

#356

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Don't know if they told you up front, but in here,

#357

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you're not allowed to not wear Oakleys on the back of your head.

#358

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Sweet. I just gotta say

#359

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it is an honor to meet a man

#360

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who's never driven a car with a roof.

#361

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Before we make these nachos,

#362

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how about we cut that hair and frost those tips?

#363

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Whoa! Your hair is so hard.

#364

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Thank you. And it's super-hot,

#365

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I can't tell if you're 30 or 60.

#366

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Oh, good thing we're doing this first.

#367

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So tiny hairs don't get in the nachos.

#368

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Eh, there's tons in there already.

#369

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Oh, right on.

#370

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[♪ upbeat music playing]

#371

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All right, Lois, we're just gonna do this one by one.

#372

⇓

Did you sleep with Arthur Aaronson?

#373

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Peter, come on.

#374

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Did you sleep with Acme Pest Control?

#375

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Look, I thought we were past this.

#376

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You still got to finish our Truth or Dare game.

#377

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I licked Joe's mailbox, but you never took your turn.

#378

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[sighs in exasperation] Okay, fine. I'll finish the game.

#379

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But I'm only doing a dare.

#380

⇓

Okay, dare, huh?

#381

⇓

Then I dare you to rollerblade off the Swanson's roof

#382

⇓

and into their pool.

#383

⇓

And that'll finally shut you up.

#384

⇓

Yep.

#385

⇓

[♪ thrilling instrumental music playing]

#386

⇓

Ah!

#387

⇓

Oh, God, it's higher up here than it looks.

#388

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You chose dare. This is the dare.

#389

⇓

Peter, stop doing Truth or Dare stuff to my house.

#390

⇓

This doesn't concern you, Joe.

#391

⇓

[Lois] I feel very unsafe.

#392

⇓

That's it. I'm calling the cops.

#393

⇓

-[buttons beeping] -[cell phone ringing]

#394

⇓

Hello?

#395

⇓

There's a woman on my roof.

#396

⇓

Sir, I can't really help you right now.

#397

⇓

I'm dealing with someone on my own roof.

#398

⇓

I'm going, Peter!

#399

⇓

[whimpering]

#400

⇓

-[Lois yelps] -Oh, my God!

#401

⇓

Aah, damn it! Ow, it hurts so much.

#402

⇓

-Oh, God! -Oh, your leg hurts?

#403

⇓

What's that like?

#404

⇓

[♪ upbeat music playing]

#405

⇓

Well, we almost polished off those Garbage Can Nachos.

#406

⇓

-Dirt? -Mm. No, thanks.

#407

⇓

I'll have a little dirt.

#408

⇓

[stomach rumbling]

#409

⇓

Oh, feels like those nachos are making a run for the border.

#410

⇓

I better hit the bathroom, stat.

#411

⇓

Excuse me, can you wrap up the rest of our food?

#412

⇓

Definitely. Nachos travel great.

#413

⇓

[cell phone ringing]

#414

⇓

Hello, Dr. Hartman?

#415

⇓

It's Brian. Are you calling with Meg's test results?

#416

⇓

[Dr. Hartman] What? No. I told Meg yesterday her results were negative.

#417

⇓

I was just calling to see why she hasn't given me a yelp review yet?

#418

⇓

-Yesterday? -Oh, and can you do me a favor

#419

⇓

and put my name in Meg's phone as The Hammer?

#420

⇓

I'm trying to get that going.

#421

⇓

No, I'm not doing that.

#422

⇓

-Okay, Hammer out. -[line disconnects]

#423

⇓

Why wouldn't Meg have told me?

#424

⇓

Meg, it's Brian. Is there something you want to tell me?

#425

⇓

[Meg] Ugh, yeah.

#426

⇓

There's an adult changing station in here,

#427

⇓

and the weight limit is 500 pounds.

#428

⇓

I just talked to Dr. Hartman.

#429

⇓

[Meg] Ugh, The Hammer.

#430

⇓

He's gonna be psyched you said that, but he told me he called you yesterday

#431

⇓

with your negative test results.

#432

⇓

[Meg] Brian, I'm about three Gatorade's away...

#433

⇓

[straining] from being able to have this conversation.

#434

⇓

Meg, you lied to me. I was super worried.

#435

⇓

I thought you were gonna die and you took advantage of me. Why would you do that?

#436

⇓

[toilet flushes]

#437

⇓

Uh, I guess I just saw a chance to live out one of my dreams

#438

⇓

and realized it might never happen again.

#439

⇓

I can't believe how selfish that is.

#440

⇓

You know what? As far as I'm concerned,

#441

⇓

you can find your own ride home.

#442

⇓

-Are you the one in the Prius? -Yes. Why?

#443

⇓

Yeah, a few of the other patrons did some terrible things to your car.

#444

⇓

You're not Jewish, are you?

#445

⇓

-No. -Okay, then they got some of it wrong.

#446

⇓

[♪ soft jazz music playing]

#447

⇓

[sighs wearily]

#448

⇓

Oh, Lois, you're awake.

#449

⇓

By the way, this lighting makes you look old.

#450

⇓

Did I break my leg?

#451

⇓

Yes. And it's all my fault.

#452

⇓

I should never have hounded you so much.

#453

⇓

Lois, we've logged a lot of miles together.

#454

⇓

We've raised a family and you're my life partner.

#455

⇓

I don't need to know how many guys you've been with.

#456

⇓

The fact is, I love you more than any number.

#457

⇓

It's okay, Peter, I want to tell you.

#458

⇓

I don't want any secrets between us.

#459

⇓

-The number is 60. -Whoa!

#460

⇓

Okay, a little higher than what I thought it would be,

#461

⇓

but I guess 16 ain't so bad.

#462

⇓

No, no, Peter, Sixty, six-zero.

#463

⇓

[bleeping]

#464

⇓

We've got a code orange.

#465

⇓

-What's that? -When a husband finds out his wife has

#466

⇓

slept with way more guys than he thought, she's a 60.

#467

⇓

Holy crap. That's like all the presidents for 250 years,

#468

⇓

plus a softball team and a half.

#469

⇓

I'm sure glad they covered this At Texas Christian.

#470

⇓

[♪ slow instrumental music playing]

#471

⇓

-[alarm beeping] -[tires screeching]

#472

⇓

[sighs wearily]

#473

⇓

How'd you get ahead of me?

#474

⇓

A trucker picked me up,

#475

⇓

he asked for ass, gas or grass,

#476

⇓

so I gave him ass gas and he got mad and tossed me.

#477

⇓

This is why I always say, commas matter.

#478

⇓

[sighs] Get in.

#479

⇓

I still can't believe you lied about cancer

#480

⇓

just to go to a Chaz Inferno restaurant.

#481

⇓

What? What are you talking about?

#482

⇓

Brian, when I said one of my dreams,

#483

⇓

I wasn't talking about eating at Chaz Infernos.

#484

⇓

I was talking about, for the first time ever,

#485

⇓

actually having real fun with a family member

#486

⇓

who wasn't mocking me or farting in my face

#487

⇓

or telling me I'm ugly.

#488

⇓

I guess I lied to you because I just wanted this amazing trip

#489

⇓

we've been having to last a little longer.

#490

⇓

You know what?

#491

⇓

I've had a really good time with you, too, Meg.

#492

⇓

And the truth is, when Dr. Hartman said I might die,

#493

⇓

all I could think about was spending the rest of my life

#494

⇓

with someone who really loves and cares about me.

#495

⇓

And that was you.

#496

⇓

Of course, Meg, we're family.

#497

⇓

But wait, then why did your bra smell like cancer?

#498

⇓

Yeah. You know, I was thinking about that.

#499

⇓

Maybe because I buy all my undergarments at thrift stores.

#500

⇓

Ew, bro, you gotta wash 'em Johns.

#501

⇓

Hey, is that... is that Peter at the Dairy Queen?

#502

⇓

It is.

#503

⇓

Dad, what are you doing?

#504

⇓

I blizzarded and boobed my way down to Florida.

#505

⇓

I'm entitled to this. Your mother's had 60 men.

#506

⇓

[♪ upbeat music playing]

#507

⇓

[man on TV] We now return to 60 Minutes.

#508

⇓

I thought we agreed to banish the number 60 from this house.

#509

⇓

Are you still upset about this?

#510

⇓

I told you one of them was just so I could

#511

⇓

get cast in Shakespeare In Love.

#512

⇓

That doesn't help.

#513

⇓

Well, what if I said you were bigger than all of them?

#514

⇓

-Huh? Would that help? -Actually, yes.

#515

⇓

[gasps] Lois, Truth or Dare?

#516

⇓

Of all the guys you've been with, am I the biggest?

#517

⇓

Definitely, Peter,

#518

⇓

[♪ slow music playing]

#519

⇓

[both moaning softly]

#520

⇓

[announcer] Marriage, just lie.

#521

⇓

It's not that big a deal.

#522

⇓

[closing theme music playing]

#523

⇓