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Home » Family Guy » S24E07 — Scent of a Woman

Family Guy

Season 24, Episode 7 — Scent of a Woman

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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

seems seems-today today

↓

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

movies violence

↓

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

fashioned fashioned-values values

↓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

rely used

↓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

family lucky

↓

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

lucky positively

↓

♪ All the things That make us ♪

↓

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

laugh

↓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

family

↓

[♪ theme music playing]

music music-playing playing theme theme-music theme-music-playing

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Hey, did you think any more about

↓

how you want to celebrate your birthday?

birthday celebrate

↓

It's coming up quick?

coming quick

↓

Oh, yeah, I thought a Toronto Raptors themed sleepover could be fun.

fun sleepover themed toronto

↓

Why do you always like the worst version of everything?

version worst

↓

That is not true.

↓

[gasps] I'll be right back.

gasps

↓

I forgot I'm out of Toms of West Virginia toothpaste.

forgot toms toothpaste virginia west

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Same stuff as Maine, but made for less teeth.

less maine stuff teeth

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Ugh, look at all the Jewish candy bars Mort's got in here.

bars candy candy-bars jewish

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One Musketeer, Bubble Yuk,

bubble

↓

Oy Henry, Almond Content But Not Quite Joy.

almond content henry

↓

Forget that, check this out.

check forget

↓

I can tell you exactly which ailment each of these people in line has.

line

↓

What? How can you do that?

↓

It's a known fact. Dogs can smell all kinds of different medical conditions.

conditions dogs fact kinds known medical smell

↓

Watch. [sniffs]

sniffs watch

↓

She has diabetes.

diabetes

↓

[sniffs] He has migraines.

sniffs

↓

[sniffs] And that guy's got...

sniffs

↓

um, that... that thing... What's the thing

↓

that Magic Johnson has...

johnson magic

↓

-AIDS? -Yeah, that.

aids

↓

You forgot about AIDS?

aids forgot

↓

It was never a dog thing.

↓

[♪ upbeat music playing]

music music-playing playing upbeat upbeat-music upbeat-music-playing

↓

There's always one who shows up in their pajamas

pajamas shows

↓

'cause they don't wanna change in a strange house.

change house strange

↓

It's four o'clock, dear.

dear four oclock

↓

You're gonna ruin those slippers walking from the car.

ruin slippers walking

↓

I don't care.

care

↓

You guys all know Patty, Ruth and Esther.

patty ruth

↓

And since we're a modern teenage friend group,

friend group modern teenage

↓

here's our gender-neutral friend, Devin.

devin friend gender neutral

↓

Lois, what's with that kid?

lois

↓

Every piece of clothing saying something different.

clothing piece

↓

Peter, be nice.

peter

↓

You can't freak out like this.

freak

↓

Don't worry, I can be subtle.

subtle worry

↓

[shouts] What are you? Declare yourself!

declare shouts

↓

Why don't you just go to the garage and mutter while kicking stuff?

garage kicking stuff

↓

Stupid worlds passing me by.

passing stupid worlds

↓

Everyone needs to be something.

needs

↓

How does anything make sense if everybody's everything?

everybodys sense

↓

[♪ upbeat music playing]

music music-playing playing upbeat upbeat-music upbeat-music-playing

↓

[all laughing]

laughing

↓

Ew, Dad, what are you doing?

↓

Sorry, Meg, all dads are required

dads required

↓

to walk shirtless through any teen party

party shirtless teen walk

↓

while they drink a canned beverage

beverage canned drink

↓

that was discontinued in the '90s.

↓

Sip of Surge, anyone?

surge

↓

Devin, sip of Surge.

devin surge

↓

Can you please leave?

↓

We're about to play Truth or Dare.

dare truth

↓

"Truth or Dare?"

dare truth

↓

Is that that game where you hide and go seek?

game hide seek

↓

No. You either have to answer a question with total honesty

answer honesty question total

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or do something crazy that people make up.

crazy

↓

I went with my version, but how about I play with you?

version

↓

Um, sure, Dad,

↓

I dare you to get the hell out of here.

dare

↓

[laughs] On it.

laughs

↓

[panting]

panting

↓

Check it out, Lois. I'm playing Truth or Dare with Meg.

check dare lois playing truth

↓

You're really not, Peter.

peter

↓

But, hey, I'll play Truth or Dare with you.

dare truth

↓

After all, we've never played together.

played

↓

Really? Okay, I pick "Dare."

dare pick

↓

All right, um...

↓

I dare you... [laughs]

dare laughs

↓

...to lick the Swansons' mailbox.

lick mailbox

↓

-[both laughing] -Watch me.

laughing watch

↓

[♪ thrilling instrumental music playing]

instrumental instrumental-music instrumental-music-playing music music-playing playing thrilling

↓

Damn it, if he gets my TV guide soggy, I'm gonna be furious.

furious guide

↓

You still get TV guide?

guide

↓

There's still TV.

↓

[both laughing]

laughing

↓

Okay, okay. Your turn.

↓

All right... truth.

truth

↓

Okay, let's see, um,

↓

how many men have you slept with in your lifetime?

lifetime slept

↓

-Dare. -What?

dare

↓

You can't just change.

change

↓

Peter, it's my right to choose from the two options,

choose options peter

↓

and I choose dare.

choose dare

↓

It's no big deal. I'll tell you my number.

deal number

↓

I'll admit, I was a bit of a Lothario back in my day,

admit

↓

I slept with two whole women.

slept whole women

↓

Seven, if you count finishing during long hugs.

count finishing hugs seven

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Peter, I'm not answering.

answering peter

↓

Come on, it's fine. Just say the number.

number

↓

Keep it in mind that any number other than zero

mind number zero

↓

will send me into a 10-year spiral.

send spiral

↓

This conversation is over. I'm going to bed.

conversation

↓

No, not till this is settled.

settled till

↓

I mean, now it's a safety issue.

issue safety

↓

I gotta know if I need to wear this old timey scuba helmet

helmet scuba timey wear

↓

before I give you the Michael Douglas special.

douglas michael special

↓

[♪ upbeat music playing]

music music-playing playing upbeat upbeat-music upbeat-music-playing

↓

Somebody grab the Ouija board.

board grab somebody

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I want to ask Jeffrey Epstein's ghost if he really killed himself.

ghost jeffrey killed

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Have any of you seen a squeaky chew toy

chew seen squeaky

↓

in the shape of a rolled-up newspaper?

newspaper rolled shape

↓

Headline reads, "Chewie defeats Chewman?"

chewie defeats reads

↓

No, Brian, we haven't seen your gross toy.

brian gross seen

↓

-Please leave. -Fine. [sighs]

sighs

↓

I'm not gonna leave completely empty handed.

completely completely-empty empty handed

↓

You guys, I think Jeffrey Epstein is coming through.

coming epstein jeffrey

↓

Hey, how old...

↓

are you... ladies?

ladies

↓

[gasps] It's him.

gasps

↓

[♪ upbeat music playing]

music music-playing playing upbeat upbeat-music upbeat-music-playing

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[sniffing and panting]

panting sniffing

↓

Mmm, yeah, that's good chewing.

chewing

↓

And this, Emma, is where the magic hat--

magic

↓

I thought you lived alone.

alone lived

↓

Nice going, Brian.

brian

↓

You know how hard it was to go from being

hard

↓

duct taped to my seat to bringing her home?

bringing duct duct-taped home seat taped

↓

What are you even doing?

↓

Kind of just chewing and sniffing Patty's bra.

chewing pattys sniffing

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-Ugh, creepy. -It's not creepy. I'm a dog.

creepy

↓

If I don't chew something every 40 minutes,

chew minutes

↓

I go fricking crazy.

crazy fricking

↓

[sniffs]

sniffs

↓

Oh, my God! That's not good.

↓

What? I'm getting a whiff of breast cancer from Patty's bra.

breast breast-cancer cancer pattys whiff

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I think Patty may have breast cancer.

breast breast-cancer cancer patty

↓

What? First Celine Dion gets stiff person syndrome, and now this?

celine celine-dion dion person stiff syndrome

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-It's so damn unfair. -All right, calm down.

calm unfair

↓

No, Brian, I'm still processing stiff person syndrome,

brian person processing stiff syndrome

↓

which is definitely a real thing

real

↓

and not a way of getting out of Vegas shows

shows vegas

↓

that your agent husband roped you into.

agent husband roped

↓

-I think we're getting off-track. -Maybe.

track

↓

But if Patty has breast cancer,

breast breast-cancer cancer patty

↓

you have to tell Meg right away.

↓

I can't do that. Then she'll know I took the bra.

shell

↓

You need to tell her, Brian,

brian

↓

even though it's hard to break bad news.

break hard news

↓

And I should know, I used to be a department store spokesperson.

department spokesperson store used

↓

As of today, Macy's is closing one hundred of its stores.

closing hundred stores today

↓

So to be clear, that's a hundred places

clear hundred places

↓

you can no longer buy funeral shirts on a day's notice.

days funeral longer notice shirts

↓

Everyone is going to have to start thinking

start start-thinking thinking

↓

about their funerals, at least two days before.

days funerals least

↓

But where else can shoppers get nice watches that aren't actually nice?

shoppers watches

↓

Or take a dump in the mall without having to buy something?

dump having mall

↓

I suppose those will both have to be done at Nordstrom.

suppose

↓

After all, Nordstrom is a thriving business--

business thriving

↓

Sir, from Nordstrom Corporate.

corporate

↓

[sighs] Okay, gang, this is just a body blow of a day.

blow body gang sighs

↓

[♪ upbeat music playing]

music music-playing playing upbeat upbeat-music upbeat-music-playing

↓

Uh... hey, Meg. How was the sleepover?

sleepover

↓

Good. The Ouija board really came to life.

board life

↓

Some guy named Rene said to stop making fun of his wife

fun named wife

↓

and that stiff person syndrome is a real thing.

person real stiff syndrome

↓

Listen, there's something important I need to tell you.

↓

Last night, I took Patty's bra to chew and sniff,

chew night pattys sniff

↓

and I think Patty may have breast cancer.

breast breast-cancer cancer patty

↓

[gasps] Oh, my God! Oh, I've got to call her right away.

gasps

↓

I mean, she's... wait a minute.

minute

↓

Patty left here fully dressed.

dressed fully left patty

↓

Let me see that bra. Do you have it?

↓

Brian? That's my bra.

brian

↓

Oh, cool. We're taking our bras off?

bras cool

↓

[sighs in relief]

relief sighs

↓

The girls are out to play.

girls

↓

Welp, time to go tease the boys down at the DQ.

boys tease

↓

They don't open till 11:00, and the Starbucks said I couldn't wait inside.

open starbucks till

↓

[♪ jazz music playing]

jazz jazz-music jazz-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

Look, I know this must be stressful.

must stressful

↓

Sure you don't wanna tell Lois about the breast cancer?

breast breast-cancer cancer lois

↓

No, I don't want to worry her until I know for sure.

worry

↓

Well, what about telling Peter?

peter telling

↓

I actually tried, but he was super distracted,

distracted super tried

↓

'cause he got one of those dollies

↓

that mechanics used to slide under cars.

cars slide used

↓

Dad, there's something important I need--

↓

What is it, Meg? I'm very busy de-Boogey-Manning the bed.

busy

↓

Chris, bring my ratchet and some cinnamon. They don't like cinnamon.

bring chris cinnamon

↓

I'm not sure that's gonna work.

↓

Well, that's a very vertical opinion.

opinion

↓

I've seen Monsters, Inc and Monsters University.

monsters monsters-university seen university

↓

I think I know what I'm doing.

↓

Siri, what's another word for "jugs?"

another another-word jugs siri word

↓

[Siri] Breasts?

breasts siri

↓

I understand you may have breasts cancer.

breasts cancer

↓

Well, that's what we want to find out.

↓

Mm. But you seem young and healthy.

healthy young

↓

What brought you in?

brought

↓

My dog smelled cancer on my bra.

cancer smelled

↓

Oh, a dog smelled it? They're like never wrong.

smelled

↓

We've actually got three of them on staff here.

staff three

↓

This guy graduated from Muttgers.

graduated

↓

This one from UC Barkley.

↓

And she went to Bitch-igan State.

bitch state

↓

I'm kidding. They all went to Texas Christian,

christian kidding texas

↓

but they're smart. They're good.

smart

↓

"Grr-due" is another one. But what's Meg's prognosis?

another megs prognosis

↓

We'll wait for her test results as a formality,

formality results test test-results

↓

but if a dog smelled cancer on her, I'm not optimistic.

cancer optimistic smelled

↓

Meg. If you have anything on your bucket list,

bucket bucket-list list

↓

this could be the time.

↓

[gasps] Are you saying I'm dying?

dying gasps

↓

Siri, what's a good excuse to leave the room?

excuse room siri

↓

[Siri] Diarrhea is always an excellent excuse to leave any room.

diarrhea excellent excuse room siri

↓

Oh, please excuse me, my phone has diarrhea.

diarrhea excuse phone

↓

[♪ upbeat music playing]

music music-playing playing upbeat upbeat-music upbeat-music-playing

↓

You guys are not gonna believe this.

believe

↓

Lois and I played Truth or Dare the other night,

dare lois night played truth

↓

but when I asked her how many guys she's had sex with,

asked

↓

she wouldn't answer.

answer

↓

I gotta know! It's driving me crazy!

crazy driving

↓

Well, Bonnie's only ever been with one man,

bonnies

↓

-and you're looking at him. -You sure about that?

looking

↓

Yeah. She got chlamydia from a toilet seat. We talked about it.

seat talked toilet

↓

Then the toilet seat sent her flowers because it felt bad.

flowers seat sent toilet

↓

Open-and-shut case.

case open

↓

[♪ slow instrumental music]

instrumental instrumental-music music slow

↓

So is a cancer diagnosis.

cancer diagnosis

↓

A "radio on" or a "radio off" situation?

radio situation

↓

You can turn it on.

↓

[♪ upbeat music] ♪ She bangs, she bangs ♪

bangs music upbeat upbeat-music

↓

♪ I'm wasted by the way... ♪

wasted

↓

[turns radio off] We'll just go without.

radio turns

↓

You know, part of me is like,

part

↓

I should probably tell mom and dad about this,

↓

but another part of me is like, why bother?

another bother part

↓

I mean, no one in this family even cares about me anyway.

cares family

↓

Come on. I'm here for you, Meg.

↓

We gotta come up with some way to get your mind off this.

mind

↓

Maybe Dr. Hartman was right.

hartman

↓

Is there a bucket list item you've always wanted to do,

bucket bucket-list item list wanted

↓

but you never had the chance?

chance

↓

-I don't know. -Anything, Meg.

↓

Sky's the limit. No dream is too big.

dream limit

↓

-Anything? -Anything.

↓

Well...

↓

I've always wanted to pick out on Garbage Can Nachos

garbage nachos pick wanted

↓

at Chaz Inferno's Restaurant in Orlando.

orlando restaurant

↓

Th... that's it? Yeah, we... we can do that.

↓

Really? Would we need to contact Make-A-Wish?

contact wish

↓

Like, how would we even do that?

↓

I think just go there and order them.

order

↓

Well, can we go right now?

↓

Absolutely. Let's do it.

absolutely

↓

♪ Talk to me ♪

↓

♪ Tell me your sign ♪

sign

↓

♪ You're switchin' sides like a gemini ♪

sides

↓

♪ You're playing games and now you're hittin' my heart ♪

games heart hittin playing playing-games

↓

♪ Like a drum, yeah baby ♪

baby drum

↓

♪ Well, if Lady Luck gets on my side ♪

lady lady-luck luck side

↓

♪ We're gonna rock this town alive ♪

alive rock town

↓

♪ I'll let her rough me up ♪

rough

↓

♪ 'Til she knocks me out ♪

knocks

↓

♪ 'Cause she walks like she talks ♪

talks walks

↓

♪ And she talks like she walks ♪

talks walks

↓

♪ She bangs, she bangs ♪

bangs

↓

♪ Oh, baby when... ♪

baby

↓

Look at that. Atlanta, twenty miles.

atlanta miles twenty

↓

You know, they say Atlanta has the best strip clubs in the world.

atlanta best clubs strip world

↓

-Okay. -They say NBA players

players

↓

fly in from all over to go to these clubs.

clubs

↓

And they can go anywhere like Shaquille O'Neal goes to these clubs.

clubs

↓

It's been documented in court filings, and if I'm not mistaken,

court documented mistaken

↓

the Raptors are in town playing the Hawks tonight.

hawks playing tonight town

↓

See, Brian, you're the only one who ever pays attention to what I care about.

attention brian care pays

↓

Let's do it.

↓

Plus, you've got cancer so you can eat whatever you want.

cancer plus

↓

We don't have to look at the strippers.

strippers

↓

They got big trays of ziti in there.

trays

↓

[♪ dance music playing softly]

dance dance-music dance-music-playing music music-playing playing softly

↓

[cheering and whistling]

cheering whistling

↓

I got a bunch of quarters from the change machine

bunch change machine quarters

↓

so I can support the strippers.

strippers support

↓

Ow, what are you doing?

↓

Come on, I'm making it hail.

hail

↓

Damn it! Knock it off!

knock

↓

Hey, that one's a bicentennial.

ones

↓

What? I'm gonna need that back.

↓

[♪ upbeat music playing]

music music-playing playing upbeat upbeat-music upbeat-music-playing

↓

Where's Meg and Brian?

brian

↓

I don't know, but he just posted a close up photo

close photo posted

↓

of a big tray of strip club ziti,

club strip strip-club tray

↓

and he tagged Meg, so I have to assume they're fine.

assume tagged

↓

Okay, good, they're eating. Then we don't have to wait.

eating

↓

Chris, can you please pass the peas

chris pass peas

↓

and ask your mother

mother

↓

how many peas she's had in her mouth?

mouth peas

↓

Peter, that's enough.

peter

↓

Chris, can you also ask your mother to pass the chicken

chicken chris mother pass

↓

and then ask her if the number of people she slept with is more or less

less number slept

↓

than the number of herbs and spices in the Colonel's secret recipe?

herbs number recipe secret spices

↓

Slow down, I can't keep track of all the foods you want passed.

foods passed slow track

↓

Chris, Chris, he's just doing a bit.

chris

↓

[♪ upbeat music playing]

music music-playing playing upbeat upbeat-music upbeat-music-playing

↓

Okay, this is us.

↓

Sorry, I couldn't get us a nicer place.

nicer place

↓

Are you kidding?

kidding

↓

I recognized the guy who checked us in from intervention.

checked intervention recognized

↓

Okay, there's a salamander in our coffee pot,

coffee

↓

I'm gonna go see if I can swap that out.

swap

↓

[cell phone ringing]

cell cell-phone cell-phone-ringing phone phone-ringing ringing

↓

-Hello, Dr. Hartman. -[Dr. Hartman] Hi, Meg,

hartman

↓

you're gonna hear things in the background of this call

background

↓

that make you think I'm at a Dave & Buster's.

busters dave dave-busters

↓

I assure you, I am not at a Dave and Buster's

assure busters dave

↓

-[machine dings] -[game voice] What a shot!

dings game machine shot voice

↓

We're doing Covid boosters.

boosters covid

↓

Are you calling with my test results?

calling results test test-results

↓

Oh, yes. Yes, I am.

↓

-[dings] -[game voice] Long distance.

dings distance game voice

↓

Ignore that. That's just a medical device.

device ignore medical

↓

Oh, my God! Do I have cancer?

cancer

↓

-Yes! -Oh, no.

↓

-Sorry. What? -I have cancer?

cancer

↓

Oh, no, no cancer. Your tests all came back negative.

cancer negative tests

↓

Oh, thank God. What a relief.

relief

↓

Do you not have any paper menus?

menus paper

↓

It's only a QR code?

code

↓

Thank you so much, Dr. Hartman.

hartman

↓

Yeah. Yeah, mazel tov. I just want mozzarella sticks.

mazel sticks

↓

Why are you making this so hard?

hard

↓

[phone beeps]

beeps phone phone-beeps

↓

Brian, I have great news to tell you.

brian news

↓

Perfect. Thanks again.

perfect thanks

↓

I actually have great news too, Meg, get this.

news

↓

I managed to get your story to Chaz Inferno himself.

inferno managed story

↓

And not only is he gonna personally make you

personally

↓

Garbage Can Nachos,

garbage nachos

↓

he's also giving us a $35 dine-in credit,

credit giving

↓

and he's gonna cut your hair and frost your tips, table-side.

frost hair side table tips

↓

What? That's amazing.

amazing

↓

And what's your good news?

news

↓

Oh, um...

↓

Brian, look at this plaque.

brian plaque

↓

It's a historic room.

historic room

↓

Someone from Girls Gone Wild died in here.

died girls gone wild

↓

Oh, I remember her. She didn't want to go wild.

remember wild

↓

But then her friend told her to. So she did.

friend

↓

-Whoa! -Yeah.

whoa

↓

She's still in Rob Schneider's phone.

phone

↓

[♪ upbeat music playing]

music music-playing playing upbeat upbeat-music upbeat-music-playing

↓

Well, well, you must be Brian and Meg.

brian must

↓

Don't know if they told you up front, but in here,

front

↓

you're not allowed to not wear Oakleys on the back of your head.

allowed head wear

↓

Sweet. I just gotta say

sweet

↓

it is an honor to meet a man

honor meet

↓

who's never driven a car with a roof.

driven roof

↓

Before we make these nachos,

nachos

↓

how about we cut that hair and frost those tips?

frost hair tips

↓

Whoa! Your hair is so hard.

hair hard whoa

↓

Thank you. And it's super-hot,

super

↓

I can't tell if you're 30 or 60.

↓

Oh, good thing we're doing this first.

↓

So tiny hairs don't get in the nachos.

hairs nachos tiny

↓

Eh, there's tons in there already.

tons

↓

Oh, right on.

↓

[♪ upbeat music playing]

music music-playing playing upbeat upbeat-music upbeat-music-playing

↓

All right, Lois, we're just gonna do this one by one.

lois

↓

Did you sleep with Arthur Aaronson?

arthur sleep

↓

Peter, come on.

peter

↓

Did you sleep with Acme Pest Control?

control pest sleep

↓

Look, I thought we were past this.

past

↓

You still got to finish our Truth or Dare game.

dare finish game truth

↓

I licked Joe's mailbox, but you never took your turn.

joes licked mailbox

↓

[sighs in exasperation] Okay, fine. I'll finish the game.

finish game sighs

↓

But I'm only doing a dare.

dare

↓

Okay, dare, huh?

dare

↓

Then I dare you to rollerblade off the Swanson's roof

dare roof

↓

and into their pool.

pool

↓

And that'll finally shut you up.

finally thatll

↓

Yep.

↓

[♪ thrilling instrumental music playing]

instrumental instrumental-music instrumental-music-playing music music-playing playing thrilling

↓

Ah!

↓

Oh, God, it's higher up here than it looks.

higher

↓

You chose dare. This is the dare.

chose dare

↓

Peter, stop doing Truth or Dare stuff to my house.

dare house peter stuff truth

↓

This doesn't concern you, Joe.

concern

↓

[Lois] I feel very unsafe.

lois unsafe

↓

That's it. I'm calling the cops.

calling cops

↓

-[buttons beeping] -[cell phone ringing]

beeping buttons cell cell-phone cell-phone-ringing phone phone-ringing ringing

↓

Hello?

↓

There's a woman on my roof.

roof woman

↓

Sir, I can't really help you right now.

↓

I'm dealing with someone on my own roof.

dealing roof

↓

I'm going, Peter!

peter

↓

[whimpering]

whimpering

↓

-[Lois yelps] -Oh, my God!

lois yelps

↓

Aah, damn it! Ow, it hurts so much.

hurts

↓

-Oh, God! -Oh, your leg hurts?

hurts

↓

What's that like?

↓

[♪ upbeat music playing]

music music-playing playing upbeat upbeat-music upbeat-music-playing

↓

Well, we almost polished off those Garbage Can Nachos.

garbage nachos polished

↓

-Dirt? -Mm. No, thanks.

dirt thanks

↓

I'll have a little dirt.

dirt

↓

[stomach rumbling]

rumbling stomach

↓

Oh, feels like those nachos are making a run for the border.

border feels nachos

↓

I better hit the bathroom, stat.

bathroom stat

↓

Excuse me, can you wrap up the rest of our food?

excuse food rest wrap

↓

Definitely. Nachos travel great.

nachos travel

↓

[cell phone ringing]

cell cell-phone cell-phone-ringing phone phone-ringing ringing

↓

Hello, Dr. Hartman?

hartman

↓

It's Brian. Are you calling with Meg's test results?

brian calling megs results test test-results

↓

[Dr. Hartman] What? No. I told Meg yesterday her results were negative.

hartman negative results yesterday

↓

I was just calling to see why she hasn't given me a yelp review yet?

calling given review yelp

↓

-Yesterday? -Oh, and can you do me a favor

favor yesterday

↓

and put my name in Meg's phone as The Hammer?

hammer megs name phone

↓

I'm trying to get that going.

↓

No, I'm not doing that.

↓

-Okay, Hammer out. -[line disconnects]

hammer line

↓

Why wouldn't Meg have told me?

↓

Meg, it's Brian. Is there something you want to tell me?

brian

↓

[Meg] Ugh, yeah.

↓

There's an adult changing station in here,

adult changing station

↓

and the weight limit is 500 pounds.

limit pounds weight

↓

I just talked to Dr. Hartman.

hartman talked

↓

[Meg] Ugh, The Hammer.

hammer

↓

He's gonna be psyched you said that, but he told me he called you yesterday

called psyched yesterday

↓

with your negative test results.

negative results test test-results

↓

[Meg] Brian, I'm about three Gatorade's away...

brian three

↓

[straining] from being able to have this conversation.

able conversation straining

↓

Meg, you lied to me. I was super worried.

lied super worried

↓

I thought you were gonna die and you took advantage of me. Why would you do that?

advantage

↓

[toilet flushes]

flushes toilet toilet-flushes

↓

Uh, I guess I just saw a chance to live out one of my dreams

chance dreams live

↓

and realized it might never happen again.

happen might realized

↓

I can't believe how selfish that is.

believe selfish

↓

You know what? As far as I'm concerned,

concerned

↓

you can find your own ride home.

home ride ride-home

↓

-Are you the one in the Prius? -Yes. Why?

prius

↓

Yeah, a few of the other patrons did some terrible things to your car.

↓

You're not Jewish, are you?

jewish

↓

-No. -Okay, then they got some of it wrong.

↓

[♪ soft jazz music playing]

jazz jazz-music jazz-music-playing music music-playing playing soft

↓

[sighs wearily]

sighs wearily

↓

Oh, Lois, you're awake.

awake lois

↓

By the way, this lighting makes you look old.

lighting makes

↓

Did I break my leg?

break

↓

Yes. And it's all my fault.

fault

↓

I should never have hounded you so much.

↓

Lois, we've logged a lot of miles together.

logged lois miles

↓

We've raised a family and you're my life partner.

family life partner raised

↓

I don't need to know how many guys you've been with.

↓

The fact is, I love you more than any number.

fact love number

↓

It's okay, Peter, I want to tell you.

peter

↓

I don't want any secrets between us.

secrets

↓

-The number is 60. -Whoa!

number whoa

↓

Okay, a little higher than what I thought it would be,

higher

↓

but I guess 16 ain't so bad.

aint

↓

No, no, Peter, Sixty, six-zero.

peter sixty zero

↓

[bleeping]

↓

We've got a code orange.

code orange

↓

-What's that? -When a husband finds out his wife has

finds husband wife

↓

slept with way more guys than he thought, she's a 60.

slept

↓

Holy crap. That's like all the presidents for 250 years,

holy presidents years

↓

plus a softball team and a half.

half plus softball softball-team team

↓

I'm sure glad they covered this At Texas Christian.

christian covered glad texas

↓

[♪ slow instrumental music playing]

instrumental instrumental-music instrumental-music-playing music music-playing playing slow

↓

-[alarm beeping] -[tires screeching]

alarm alarm-beeping beeping screeching tires tires-screeching

↓

[sighs wearily]

sighs wearily

↓

How'd you get ahead of me?

ahead howd

↓

A trucker picked me up,

picked trucker

↓

he asked for ass, gas or grass,

asked grass

↓

so I gave him ass gas and he got mad and tossed me.

tossed

↓

This is why I always say, commas matter.

matter

↓

[sighs] Get in.

sighs

↓

I still can't believe you lied about cancer

believe cancer lied

↓

just to go to a Chaz Inferno restaurant.

inferno restaurant

↓

What? What are you talking about?

↓

Brian, when I said one of my dreams,

brian dreams

↓

I wasn't talking about eating at Chaz Infernos.

eating

↓

I was talking about, for the first time ever,

↓

actually having real fun with a family member

family family-member fun having member real

↓

who wasn't mocking me or farting in my face

face farting mocking

↓

or telling me I'm ugly.

telling ugly

↓

I guess I lied to you because I just wanted this amazing trip

amazing lied trip wanted

↓

we've been having to last a little longer.

having longer

↓

You know what?

↓

I've had a really good time with you, too, Meg.

↓

And the truth is, when Dr. Hartman said I might die,

hartman might truth

↓

all I could think about was spending the rest of my life

life rest spending

↓

with someone who really loves and cares about me.

cares loves

↓

And that was you.

↓

Of course, Meg, we're family.

course family

↓

But wait, then why did your bra smell like cancer?

cancer smell

↓

Yeah. You know, I was thinking about that.

thinking

↓

Maybe because I buy all my undergarments at thrift stores.

stores

↓

Ew, bro, you gotta wash 'em Johns.

johns wash

↓

Hey, is that... is that Peter at the Dairy Queen?

dairy dairy-queen peter queen

↓

It is.

↓

Dad, what are you doing?

↓

I blizzarded and boobed my way down to Florida.

florida

↓

I'm entitled to this. Your mother's had 60 men.

entitled mothers

↓

[♪ upbeat music playing]

music music-playing playing upbeat upbeat-music upbeat-music-playing

↓

[man on TV] We now return to 60 Minutes.

minutes return

↓

I thought we agreed to banish the number 60 from this house.

agreed house number

↓

Are you still upset about this?

upset

↓

I told you one of them was just so I could

↓

get cast in Shakespeare In Love.

cast love shakespeare

↓

That doesn't help.

↓

Well, what if I said you were bigger than all of them?

bigger

↓

-Huh? Would that help? -Actually, yes.

↓

[gasps] Lois, Truth or Dare?

dare gasps lois truth

↓

Of all the guys you've been with, am I the biggest?

biggest

↓

Definitely, Peter,

peter

↓

[♪ slow music playing]

music music-playing playing slow

↓

[both moaning softly]

moaning softly

↓

[announcer] Marriage, just lie.

announcer marriage

↓

It's not that big a deal.

deal

↓

[closing theme music playing]

closing closing-theme closing-theme-music music music-playing playing theme theme-music theme-music-playing