Home » Family Guy » S24E06 — Viewer DMs

Family Guy

Season 24, Episode 6 — Viewer DMs

♪ It seems today That all you see ♪

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♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪

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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

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♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

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[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

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Here at Family Guy, about every 10 years or so, we do an episode

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called Viewer Mail, where we try out story ideas

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that fans have submitted in the mail.

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Lately, we've been getting a lot of DMs from fans asking what mail is

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and also suggesting story ideas.

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Like this one from viewer Derek.

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-It's usually dudes. -Who writes, "Didn't Chris used to wear

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an earring one time? Where'd it go?"

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Well, Derek, thank you for your question. And as it happens,

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we have an answer for you.

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An answer in the form of three epic films

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crammed into six minutes. Enjoy.

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[Lois] It all began in the land of Mordor

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forged in the fires of Spencer's Gifts,

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Sauron created the one earring to rule them all.

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What followed was a massive war of elves and orcs

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that will someday cost Amazon Studios two billion dollars

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just to get review bombed by racists.

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And also this happened.

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[♪ flute music playing]

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Call of gardening. Modern shrubbery.

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-Begin. -Yeah.

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Awesome. I'm growing the crap out of this fruit.

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-You have unlocked barley. -Sweet.

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I'll share it with my neighbors 'cause hobbits are a friendly,

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peaceful folk you can root for.

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Also the last people who would ever go on an adventure.

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That's for sure.

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Frodo, I need you to go on an adventure.

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It's a very heterosexual quest with guys who call each other my dear a lot.

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Where's your season one earring?

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Hang on, Gandalf. I think I got it here somewhere.

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Sorry my hobbit hole is so tight.

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-Mmm. -But it's the hole I was given in birth.

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Just, uh...

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Just get that earring, please.

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The truth is, my hole doesn't get many visitors.

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-How we doing on that earring? -Here it is.

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Oh, and it's hissing some kind of devil talk at me.

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And there's stuff on here about unlimited dark power.

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Huh. Go pack your underthings while I practice saying,

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"You shall not pass," in the mirror.

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Thank you, everyone, for coming to the Council of Elrond,

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a meeting that I called and then named after myself.

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Cool. If there's one thing that's awesome to show

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in a big action movie, it's meetings.

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Where are we on the agenda, by the way?

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And also, what's the Wi-Fi password?

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-Just use Rivendell Public. -Okay, is that what you're on?

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Don't worry about what I'm on. Use Rivendell Public.

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I feel like you're probably on a faster one.

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Look, we're here because Frodo has the One Earring,

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and it must be destroyed by returning it from whence

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it came, into the fires of Mount Doom.

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Yeah, Rivendell Public is super slow, man.

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Anyway, you guys have to help Frodo get there.

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I think we're all in agreement that one simply walks into Mordor.

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But aren't there... I like that reference, by the way.

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Aren't there giant eagles in Middle-Earth?

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Can't Gandalf just fly me to Mordor on a giant eagle?

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-No, you gotta walk. -Hey, I like being part of this group,

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but I don't like that y'all put your backpacks on my lap.

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I'm not a chair. I'm...

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I'm kind of a chair.

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Thanks for escorting me to Mordor, everyone.

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You bet. And what's great is that since the soundtrack in these films

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is so forgettable, we can basically run

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any movie music we want here.

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[♪ upbeat music playing]

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-Well, you're on your own from here. -What?

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You're leaving, Viggo Mortensen?

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Yeah, sorry. I got to go be in two more things and then no more things.

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I'll also have to leave,

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but not to go check in with my parole officer,

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if that's what you're wondering.

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Yeah, and my beard kind of got caught in the spokes.

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I think I have to unspool it all the way back to where we started.

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Ah, that's worse.

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And I can only poop in my own apartment in Lothlorien.

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Didn't know we were going to be out this long.

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Oh, hey, I can tag along with you and the precious.

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I mean, that earring that I don't have big feelings

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about one way or the other.

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Freaking great. So how do we get there?

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-Well, let's check the map. -This, um, this map is not very detailed.

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-Okay. -No, seriously,

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why are there no roads?

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And I guess these three wavy lines are supposed to indicate a lake?

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I mean, there's really no detail on here.

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This is basically a child's menu.

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-Who would be helped by this? -Look, this is the map, okay?

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At least we know we go that way.

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Why is they playing the theme from Stripes, my precious?

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It's just... It's just a joke from earlier.

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Thanks, map. Thanks, great detailed map.

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All right, listen, I wanted to keep this a secret,

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but I do know a shortcut into Mordor.

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What? Where is it?

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You just go through that tunnel.

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See where it says giant spider hole?

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-Is a giant spider in there? -No, that's just some kids messing around.

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[growls] I'm this!

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Ah, frick. [exclaims]

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What the hell, man? You tried to get me killed.

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That's it. I'm only giving you 14 more chances,

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and then you can't be in my quest anymore.

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There it is. Mount Doom.

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Yeah, but how are we supposed to get there?

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This valley's full of trolls and orcs and...

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Oh, God. Mork from orcs.

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Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Elvish Presley.

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♪ Don't be cruel to the hobbit's crew ♪

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Thank you, girl. Thank you very much.

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Oho, Gandalf the Gray or Gandalf the Gay.

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Hey, watch where you put that staff, mister.

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-[both laughing] -[groans]

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I can't go on. I'm exhausted from all the riffing.

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Plus, he did a gay voice, and that's not okay anymore.

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It's over, Gollum. We're not going to make it.

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We're all alone, and our path is blocked.

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And I forgot to turn on my step counter before we left the Shire.

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-Perfect. -We could probably estimate it.

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Oh, what, using the map?

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All right, if you're going to keep being like this,

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I don't want to be your quest buddy.

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Wait, look.

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Where all the Robin Williams is going?

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I wonder if maybe there are some private school kids

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somewhere not seizing the day.

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-[orc] Oh, Sauron, my Sauron. -Okay, yeah, I think it's that.

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Should I watch these hobbits who are probably coming to destroy me?

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Oh, Galadriel's showering.

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-We finally made it. -I know, and our faces

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and clothes are much dirtier than when we started,

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so that means the journey was lengthy and difficult.

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Now we just gotta throw the earring into the fire.

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[grunts]

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Oh, no, it's the one true lord of the earrings,

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Harrison Ford.

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[mumbles]

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Yes, Harrison, throw it into the fire.

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That's the last thing Sauron wants,

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which is why he built a convenient land bridge to the fire.

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[mumbles] Fancy earring. [mumbles] Off of my plane!

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-What? -He's so stoned.

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[grunts, exclaims]

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It's done.

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Hey, so I kind of need to go die with the precious.

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All I ask is that my death scene be accompanied

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by a piece of very dramatic film score.

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♪ Aruba, Jamaica ♪

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Oh, come on, man.

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♪ Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama ♪

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Welcome back, and big thanks to all the viewers

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still sending us DMs.

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Viewer Gail K. writes, "Have y'all been to space?"

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Okay, now that's a bit tone deaf.

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Viewer Ryan asks, "How did the Griffin family get to Quahog

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in the first place?" Funny story.

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The Griffins' pioneer ancestors actually traveled

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to Quahog on the Oregon Trail.

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The other way. Let's watch.

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Good evening and welcome to Channel 5 News Oregon.

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Coming up, moss and lots of it.

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But first, in summer trends,

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there's an all-new race to be unjustifiably prejudiced against,

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and it's called Chinese.

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Man, Oregon sucks so bad.

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For a state called the Beaver State,

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this place is a sausage fest.

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I'm with Pioneer Chris. Having to pay for everything in otter pelts is a hassle.

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Also, the Megs keep dying.

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[sighs]

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You, you're the inside Meg now. The rest of you,

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come bury your sister very shallowly.

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You know, I hear tell of a majestic territory

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somewhere out yonder called Quahog, Rhode Island.

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Ooh, I've heard the same.

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They say there's a whole small world out east

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with minimal land just ripe for the taking.

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Why, it's the American destiny. Manifest retreat.

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Oregon's not so bad, guys. What about the microbrews?

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[laughs] Silly beer. We're staying in Oregon.

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And finally, tonight in sports,

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hope is high for Oregon's premier athlete,

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Steve Pre-Pre-Pre-Prefontaine.

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We're leaving.

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Ah, the journey begins.

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And we've already lost a Meg to dysentery.

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Please, just don't put the cause of death on my tombstone.

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Nah, people need to know you died gross.

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Explosive feels like an unnecessary detail.

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How's the Oregon Trail going for everyone so far, huh?

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Are we having a good Oregon Trail?

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Let me know when you need snacks.

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Brian, does this Stewie want to kill Lois?

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Uh, I don't know.

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Yeah, I'm not really sure what the rules are.

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I think I'm just gonna kind of lay low until this one finishes.

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Oh, no, we weren't counting on this river.

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But is there some way around it?

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I don't know. Maybe we could check the map.

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Oh, yeah, let's check the very helpful map.

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-Chris. -Hey, guys, while you've been bickering,

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we lost another three Megs.

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I mean, I guess we could use the dead Megs as a raft

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and float across the river.

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I'm being facetious, of course.

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I don't think we should use the Megs.

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One Meg raft later.

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We're lost! What are we going to do?

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Hey, I think Chris is starting to lose it.

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He's over there hosting a Real Housewives reunion with snowmen.

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Okay, let her talk. We're gonna let her talk,

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and then we're gonna hear what you're trying to say.

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We're in real trouble, guys.

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If we don't find a way off this mountain

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like now, we're gonna die up here.

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All right, give me one second. I'm gonna go pray on this,

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because human brain's as stupid back now.

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God, it's me,

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Peter Griffin's pioneer ancestor.

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My family is lost, and we need your help.

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Please send an angel who will deliver us to safety in Rhode Island.

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God, if you do this for us, I promise to stop kicking over

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grave markers I see on the side of the trail.

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Amen.

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-Peter, I... -[exclaims]

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Oh, boy. Okay, God,

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if you could just send one more angel.

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Look, I'm putting the gun down.

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And maybe he could come out in front of me where it's not a surprise.

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-Hey. -Hey, man.

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Look, just be cool, all right?

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I'm just going to do a pioneer miracle for you

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and your family, all right?

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Nobody else needs to get hurt. You already shot Jerry.

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Oh, he had a name. Now I feel worse.

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He didn't have a family, though, right?

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-Angels don't have families. -Let's just do this.

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There. That's Quahog, Rhode Island.

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Sweet. Hey, guys, come on. I found Quahog all by myself.

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[♪ bluegrass music playing]

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Ha-ya! 10 points for Peter Griffin.

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That puts Griffin at 620 points total,

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a new Oregon Trail record. [exhales]

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Well, family, we made it.

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And with just one Meg to spare.

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Welcome home, everyone.

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Peter, doesn't this house belong to someone else?

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Not for long. Hey, guys, you had a thousand years

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to invent guns, and you didn't, so sorry.

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I know, I know this sucks,

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but all of America did this, so it's not just me, so it's okay.

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[sighs] Terrific.

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Let's never teach about that in our schools.

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Oh, that's kind of a sad ending for Native Americans.

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Eh, it's not so bad.

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In 200 years, what's left of the Doobie Brothers

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is gonna play at their casino.

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Well, it's good to finally be settled in New England.

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Yeah, but you better get going.

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Why?

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Because the only profession in 19th century New England

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is being soaking wet on a whaling boat.

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[thunderclap]

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It is a whale.

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That's not the one specific whale that made me angry a few years back.

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Oh, God. New England stinks until Tom Brady.

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Welcome back. The DMs from viewers are still rolling in.

#279

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Javier writes, "Hey guys, since The Cleveland Show

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was such a big success, I wonder if you've considered

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giving Quagmire a show of his own."

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Well, Javier, big success might be overly charitable,

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but as it happens, Quagmire actually did have

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his very own variety show back in the 1960s.

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We've tracked down the only existing episode.

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Let's check it out.

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Hey, gang, I'm Glenn Quagmire, and this is the Giggity Good Time Hour.

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Let's open the show as we always do by totally ruining a current song.

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[♪ '60s theme music playing]

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♪ This one has got some very large boobies ♪

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♪ That one has got a very nice can ♪

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♪ They all are dancing very close to me ♪

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♪ That's why I say giggity ♪

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[audience clapping]

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-[audience whistling, exclaiming] -Thanks, hon.

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Keep them coming till the '70s get here.

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Whoa, how'd you all get in my house?

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[all laughing]

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The implication being that I've had so much to drink,

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I don't know where I am. But, no, I don't have

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-a pranking problem, a drinking problem. -[all laughing]

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[continues laughing]

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Oh, we got a great show for you tonight.

#304

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Now stay tuned while I vamp with this piece of on-set furniture,

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and that somehow counts as entertainment.

#306

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[laughs] Whoa! Whoa!

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Have you ever seen such furniture? Oh, boy!

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We are having a wild time tonight.

#309

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Whoa! Hey, won't somebody help me with this crazy couch?

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[laughs]

#311

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You're watching the Glenn Quagmire Giggity Good Time Hour

#312

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with special guests Orson Welles,

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Tiny Tex, the Little Person Cowboy,

#314

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the Giggity Good Time Gals, and the winner

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of the Man Booker Prize for Narrative Nonfiction,

#316

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Professor Sharon Feinblatt of Cornell University.

#317

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Brought to you by DuPont Chemical.

#318

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DuPont, thank God you can't Google us yet.

#319

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-Whoo! -Thanks, doll.

#320

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This is almost it for me.

#321

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Just 18 more, okay? [laughs]

#322

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Because I drink so much, 18 drinks feels like not that many drinks.

#323

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[Peter] Stop saying the premise of the joke you just said.

#324

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Just tell the joke.

#325

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[knock on door]

#326

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Oh, somebody's at the Giggity Good Time door.

#327

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I'm sure it's not something wild and outrageous.

#328

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[laughs] What?

#329

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This is the last thing I expected to see.

#330

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[laughs] They just keep coming. Look at all this. Wow!

#331

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[laughs] This is the Wally. Freaking easy, buddy.

#332

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Idiot.

#333

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[laughs] Oh, so many band people.

#334

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Noise equals fun.

#335

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What could possibly be zanier? [laughs]

#336

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We hope you're enjoying the Glenn Quagmire Giggity Good Time Hour.

#337

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Sponsored by Housewife Screaming Bags.

#338

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We know you're frustrated, ladies.

#339

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Scream into this bag.

#340

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And now, here's Glenn with the only reasonably attractive zookeeper

#341

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in the Western Hemisphere.

#342

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-Now, who's this guy? -This is Chloe.

#343

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She's seven years old. And don't worry,

#344

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she only panics around cigarette smoke and hair tonic.

#345

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Oh, boy.

#346

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This reminds me of my weekend at Lake George with Ava Gardner.

#347

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Go to break.

#348

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Take it away, Smokey the sock puppet.

#349

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The Glenn Quagmire Giggity Good Time Hour will be back in just a minute.

#350

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No ifs, ands, or butts. [hacks, coughs]

#351

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And we're back with the lovely Dr. Sharon Feinblatt,

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here to talk about her new book.

#353

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Now, what is it, Sharon?

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It's called Days of Disorder, Weimar Germany and the Birth of Modernity.

#355

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Fascinating. Get up and give us a little spin, would you?

#356

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-Uh, um... What? -I'm just joshing.

#357

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Please go on while I bite my fist in a caricature of sexual longing.

#358

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So, um, my book posits that on its own merits,

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Weimar Germany was a fascinating laboratory

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of cultural innovation.

#361

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Great, and can you share some of the recipes from the book?

#362

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Uh, excuse me?

#363

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[laughs] The joke being that if a woman wrote a book in these times,

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it's obviously a cookbook.

#365

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-[Peter] You're doing it again. -This was a mistake.

#366

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I am leaving.

#367

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And you should see a doctor about your sweating.

#368

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-It's a real problem. -Oh, come on.

#369

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You haven't even danced in the giant birdcage yet.

#370

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Please give Dr. Feinblatt a big hand while I scream at an off-screen producer.

#371

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Who booked that person? No, no, Roy.

#372

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You can't just show me a picture and I say yes,

#373

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and then you don't tell me what she's about, Roy.

#374

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Do your job, Roy.

#375

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Stay tuned for more of The Glenn Quagmire Giggity Good Time Hour,

#376

⇓

brought to you by Milk at Dinner.

#377

⇓

It's still the '60s, so wash down your dinner

#378

⇓

with a big glass of milk like a psychopath.

#379

⇓

[audience whistling, exclaiming]

#380

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Mr. Quagmire, Dr. Dentist Orson Welles

#381

⇓

will see you now.

#382

⇓

My God, I played King Lear in the West End.

#383

⇓

Yeah, well, I'd like to Lear at her West End. [laughs]

#384

⇓

-Doctor, I brought... -[audience whistling and exclaiming]

#385

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Hey, guys, guys, not this one, okay?

#386

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This is my niece.

#387

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She's in this sketch as a favor to my brother, all right?

#388

⇓

-Go ahead, Denise. -I brought the patient's bill.

#389

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-[all laughing] -Oh, my God.

#390

⇓

Can you imagine? Oh, this will be so expensive.

#391

⇓

Oh, my God. It just keeps going.

#392

⇓

[laughs] Have you ever? It's just the craziest.

#393

⇓

Well, ladies and gentlemen, our time is up.

#394

⇓

And not just our time for this episode.

#395

⇓

The entire 1960s have concluded.

#396

⇓

And the '70s will have no time for this [bleep].

#397

⇓

So for now,

#398

⇓

♪ How drippy can one guy be? ♪

#399

⇓

♪ Three pints of moisture on me ♪

#400

⇓

♪ And you're asking I bet, why is he looking so wet? ♪

#401

⇓

These lights are very hot, ladies and gentlemen. Good night.

#402

⇓

Thanks for watching The Glenn Quagmire Giggity Good Time Hour,

#403

⇓

brought to you by Step-Son Beating Belts.

#404

⇓

He's not your son, but he'll do what you say

#405

⇓

with Step-Son Beating Belts.

#406

⇓

Well, we've had a good time tonight.

#407

⇓

But as you can see, our bow ties are now undone

#408

⇓

and our shirt collars are open which indicates the end

#409

⇓

of a long, crazy night.

#410

⇓

[Peter] I said stop doing that.

#411

⇓

Thanks to everyone who sent in DMs

#412

⇓

and to any female fans who got direct responses

#413

⇓

from me last night, I was hacked.

#414

⇓

-We hope you enjoyed the show and... -[knocking at door]

#415

⇓

What? Who could possibly be knocking at the Stewie Griffin Super Fun Door?

#416

⇓

Oh, this better not be something crazy.

#417

⇓

[laughs] What a delightful surprise.

#418

⇓

Oh, my goodness, they just keep coming and coming.

#419

⇓

Oh, there's so many of them.

#420

⇓

Have you ever been so entertained? [laughing]

#421

⇓

[♪ closing theme music playing]

#422

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