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Home » Family Guy » S24E11 — Tall Stewie

Family Guy

Season 24, Episode 11 — Tall Stewie

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♪ It seems today That all you see ♪

seems seems-today today

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♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪

movies violence

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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

fashioned fashioned-values values

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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

rely used

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

family lucky

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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

lucky positively

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♪ All the things That make us ♪

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♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

laugh

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♪ He's a family guy! ♪

family

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Wait a minute. This isn't the Patriots game.

game minute patriots

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Peter, I told you we're going to church today

church peter today

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because we're being honored for our charity work.

charity honored

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What charity work?

charity

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Remember that day I dragged you all here

dragged remember

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so we could make eight sandwiches for the homeless?

eight homeless sandwiches

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Well, they're giving us a paper certificate in front of everybody.

certificate everybody front giving paper

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I hope the priest who plays basketball is here today.

basketball hope plays priest today

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You made me put on a suit for this?

suit

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This thing is way too tight.

tight

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I've been telling you to buy a new suit for 20 years.

suit telling years

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And we're dressed up because this is a big deal for me.

deal dressed

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But that maybe-teenager-maybe-man

teenager

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is wearing his Undertaker sweatshirt.

sweatshirt wearing

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Aw, and he gets to do iPad time?

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Stop squirming.

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Can you be a normal husband for one day?

husband normal

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Before we begin,

begin

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I would like to honor one family's outstanding service to the community.

community familys honor outstanding service

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It's not the basketball one.

basketball

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Please put your hands together for the winners

hands winners

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of the third annual Jesus Christ Memorial Award,

annual award christ jesus jesus-christ memorial third

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the Griffins.

griffins

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I do apologize,

apologize

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our printer ran out of ink, so this is just a blank piece of paper.

blank paper piece printer

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We would also be delighted if you'd take the first communion.

delighted

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But Peter's suit pants had been pushed so far to the edge

edge pants peters pushed suit

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that one measly wafer was more than they could take.

wafer

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Peter!

peter

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What a buffoon!

buffoon

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She married him?

married

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Next week, we won't be here because we're going to Virginia Beach.

beach virginia week

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It's not that bad.

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Let he who has not split his pants in church, cast the first stone.

cast church pants split stone

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Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop! Okay!

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Hey, Stewie. What's going on?

stewie

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Brian, I've just received an invitation to the toddler social event of the season.

brian event invitation received season social toddler

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- Wow. What is it? - It's a nighttime costume party.

costume costume-party party

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And it starts at 5:30. "Uber strongly encouraged."

encouraged starts strongly uber

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I'd better reserve mine now.

reserve

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Oh, boy.

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Wait a minute. This isn't the Patriots game.

game minute patriots

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Look, we are shopping for new pants.

pants shopping

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I can't believe you showed the entire church your bare ass.

bare believe church entire showed

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Well, I'm just glad everything is back to normal.

glad normal

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No, it isn't. You didn't even change your pants.

change pants

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I mean, look at you. You're a mess.

mess

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You are lucky we're married

lucky married

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because no other woman would ever find you attractive.

attractive woman

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Oh, yeah?

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Hi, Peter Griffin.

griffin peter peter-griffin

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You may recognize me from a certain piece

certain piece recognize

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of Rhode Island legislation called Griffin's Law.

called griffins island rhode rhode-island

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You can't use the bathroom in a steakhouse unless you order something.

bathroom order steakhouse

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Oh, God, Peter, you are embarrassing yourself.

embarrassing peter

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You're an overweight, middle-aged man who just had to have a priest

aged middle middle-aged overweight priest

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tape his ass shut in front of all our friends and family.

family friends front tape

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Do you know how unusual it is for a priest to tape one of those shut?

priest tape unusual

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How was the party?

party

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All right, I want to tell you, but before I do,

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do you know the maids' parts from "I Could Have Danced All Night"?

danced night parts

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- No. - All right. Well, the point is

point

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I could have danced all night.

danced night

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Well, I'm glad you had fun. Let's get you to bed.

fun glad

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Huh. Something feels different.

feels

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Do you... Do you have a little bald spot?

bald spot

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What? No! It's time for bed, Stewie, come on.

stewie

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- No. - What did you say?

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I said no. You go to bed, you short, bald bitch.

bald bald-bitch bitch short

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I can't believe Lois thinks I'm unattractive.

believe lois thinks unattractive

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Do all women see me this way?

women

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You know, if you really want to test your desirability,

test

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you should set up a profile on a dating app.

dating profile

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You know, like Stumble or Pair of Plegics.

pair stumble

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You're right! I'll just marry a second woman!

marry second woman

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No, Peter, you won't actually meet up with anybody.

anybody meet peter

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You just get on the app to see if women match with you.

match women

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Then you have proof that you're attractive.

attractive proof

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Joe, you're a genius.

genius

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Peter, as a married man, surely you shouldn't join a dating app.

dating join married peter surely

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I'm sorry, guys, but I have to do this.

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When you die, you don't think about how much money you had.

money

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You think about how many matches you got.

matches

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Chris, come closer.

chris closer

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One of my matches was a Latina.

latina matches

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You've said that several times now.

several several-times times

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She was from the Caribbean.

caribbean

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That's even better.

↓

It's okay for you to go now.

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Big, fat ass.

↓

Does anyone have a pillow?

pillow

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All right, my profile is all set up.

profile

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Now the matches roll in.

matches roll

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"Proud owner of new pants."

owner pants proud

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And your only photo is of you arguing over your bill at the Ponderosa Steakhouse?

arguing bill photo ponderosa steakhouse

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Who took this?

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There were a lot of people with their phones out. It got loud.

loud phones

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"I once saw Steven Tyler at the airport."

airport steven steven-tyler tyler

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I guess that's interesting-adjacent.

adjacent interesting

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- Steven Tyler? What terminal? - Qantas.

steven steven-tyler terminal tyler

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Huh, no kidding. Qantas?

kidding

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Geez, Peter, you're sitting on the Rolls-Royce of anecdotes.

geez peter rolls sitting

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Peter, this isn't gonna cut it.

peter

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You need to present a perfectly curated profile, and we're gonna help you.

perfectly present profile

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Wow. Thanks, guys.

thanks

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Now, let's go take some photos that suggest you have

photos suggest

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literally any hobbies besides drinking.

besides drinking hobbies

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Hey, listen, do you think I could tell that Steven Tyler story like it's my own?

steven steven-tyler story tyler

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It'd really help me out.

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Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

ahead go-ahead

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And right there in the middle of the Qantas terminal,

middle terminal

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is Mr. Rag Doll himself,

doll

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Steven Tyler.

steven steven-tyler tyler

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Wow, what an amazing sighting!

amazing

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Can I tell that story like it's my own?

story

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No.

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Hey, Brian. Wait.

brian

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We literally look like Schwarzenegger and DeVito in Twins.

devito twins

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Oh, my God, this is everything!

↓

Oh, God. Life is funny, man.

funny life

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All right, get out of my seat.

seat

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So, whoever is the tallest just gets to do whatever they want?

tallest

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I mean, I didn't say it, but it sounds like a good system.

sounds system

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Okay, if that's how you want it.

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Whaa... You said that

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knowing you were taller than me.

knowing taller

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Yeah. Who's a short, bald bitch now?

bald bald-bitch bitch short

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You bastard! How'd you do it?

bastard howd

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Gardening clogs.

gardening

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Why is funny?

funny

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The joke is he wears normal shoes?

joke normal shoes wears

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I don't get it either.

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Now let's cut your bangs in the back of your hair

bangs hair

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in a very normal way while I sing the Dutch national anthem.

anthem dutch national national-anthem normal sing

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♪ Windmills blowing in the wind ♪

blowing wind

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♪ And tulips and chocolate are also good ♪

chocolate

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Peter, if you're gonna have a profile

peter profile

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that can compete with the best of 'em,

best compete

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first, we need something to show that you're politically active.

active

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Yeah, but these days you can't risk isolating anybody.

anybody days risk

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You need to make a strong yet vague political statement.

political statement strong vague

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Here, take this sign.

sign

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"We Are Us"?

↓

What does that mean? Kinda just sounds like nothing.

kinda sounds

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You think we aren't us?

↓

I... I... I guess not.

↓

You'll also want to wrap yourself in this American flag.

american flag wrap

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Are those question marks?

marks question

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Look who's asking the right questions.

asking questions

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All right, now just kneel down in front of this fire station

fire front kneel station

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so the whole thing seems vaguely related to law enforcement.

enforcement related seems vaguely whole

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Next, we want to show women that you're easygoing and outdoorsy.

outdoorsy women

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Let's get a picture of you holding this surfboard.

holding picture

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Now let's get one in just my swim trunks.

swim trunks

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I'll simply take off this damp wet suit.

damp simply suit

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Can you guys help me?

↓

Sorry, Peter. Our hands are covered in beach taco aioli.

beach covered hands peter taco

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Outdoorsy.

outdoorsy

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- Oh, hey, Chris. - Are you Slender Man?

chris

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What? No, it's me, Stewie.

stewie

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I think I'll go kill some people in the woods just in case.

case kill woods

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Seems like he was going to do that regardless.

regardless seems

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Hey, Brian, I have something to show you!

brian

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Oh, good. I was just looking for y...

looking

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- Uncle Sam stilts on Amazon? - Uncle Sam stilts on Amazon.

amazon stilts uncle

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Yeah, they get real cheap after Presidents' Day.

cheap presidents real

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Well, I'm off to go establish myself as the town tall guy.

establish tall town

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Yeah, right. More like... more like town small fry.

town

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Oof. Major short king energy, Bri.

energy king major short

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Hey, how you doing? Beautiful day for it.

↓

- Hey! - Ah, crap.

↓

Ha! How's the weather down there, pipsqueak?

weather

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I don't know, Bruno Mars.

mars

↓

How is it not being allowed on roller coasters

allowed coasters roller

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and putting out album after album of undeniable hits?

album hits putting undeniable

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Time out. Time out. I can't breathe.

breathe

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Hey, boys. Out for a run?

boys

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Oh, hey. Yeah. We're just putting these bad boys to use.

boys putting

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We're all about being active.

active

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That's so awesome!

awesome

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I'm Sydney and this is Odette.

↓

You know, as runway fashion models,

fashion models runway

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it's hard to find men who are tall enough for us.

hard tall

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Is it just me, or is every guy these days a short, bald bitch?

bald bald-bitch bitch days short

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No way. We were literally just saying that.

↓

Hey, you guys should come out with us tonight.

tonight

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We're going to a club that's free for us to get into but $45 for you.

club free

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- Oh, word? - Here's our Instagram handles.

handles instagram word

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We both do sponsored posts but have few enough followers

followers posts sponsored

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that it's confusing why anyone is paying us.

confusing paying

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See you later.

↓

Brian, do you know what this means?

brian

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- We get to dance! - We get to have sex!

dance

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Oh, yeah, and... and... and sex with models.

models

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So dope.

dope

↓

I launched a profile with the pictures we took

pictures profile

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and I ain't gotten a single match.

aint gotten match single

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And I've been messaging everyone.

messaging

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Just to reiterate, you are married.

married reiterate

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You're right. I can't give up.

↓

Maybe the app just isn't working.

working

↓

Quagmire, try sending me a test message.

message quagmire sending test

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Ah, Peter, it's me! And the message just said "test".

message peter test

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There's not a single woman on here who's even slightly interested in me.

interested single slightly woman

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Maybe Lois was right.

lois

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I am completely undesirable.

completely

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She doesn't want me.

↓

She doesn't want me.

↓

She doesn't want me.

↓

Wait, wait. Wait a minute. Back up to that last one.

minute

↓

Lois has a profile on a dating app?

dating lois profile

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Oh, my God, I have a profile on a dating app?

dating profile

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Oh, boy, Peter, I think all those concussions

peter

↓

over the years are starting to add up.

starting years

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Let me take you to the blue tent.

blue tent

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And Peter is now being helped over to the blue tent.

blue helped peter tent

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That is not something that anyone wants to see.

wants

↓

Yeah, Peter's had his bell rung a few times.

bell peters times

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At this point, you think someone would step in.

point step

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And now it looks as if Peter has farted inside the blue tent

blue farted peter tent

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and they're gonna let it air out before continuing the evaluation.

continuing evaluation

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I think we're looking at a fart joke, Jim.

fart joke looking

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Oh, boy. Looks like they're taking Peter's pants away.

pants peters

↓

This might be it for Peter for the night.

might night peter

↓

Sounds like he misjudged that fart joke.

fart joke sounds

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Oh, and they're putting the pants on the cart.

cart pants putting

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They're driving him out of here.

driving

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Oh, that's great. You always like to see that.

↓

I can't believe Lois is on a dating app.

believe dating lois

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I don't know what to do, guys.

↓

Well, why don't you just talk to her honestly about it?

↓

You know what, Cleveland? This might be funny to you,

cleveland funny might

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but I have a real problem here.

problem real real-problem

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Well, you can't confront Lois directly,

confront directly lois

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or else she'll know you have a profile on the app too.

profile shell

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Why don't you tell Lois that Quagmire saw her on the app.

lois quagmire

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Eh, sorry, Joe, but Lois would know

lois

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that I have an under 30 filter.

filter

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Kinda unrealistic.

kinda

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Well, then it seems I'll just have to go convince her

convince seems

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to out herself in my own subtle manner.

manner subtle

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And where have you been?

↓

I was at the grocery store.

grocery grocery-store store

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How did you make it dark in here at 3:00 pm?

dark

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Did you come home with any dates or eggplants?

dates home

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Look, if you are craving Lebanese food,

craving food

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you have to to let me know before I go to the store.

store

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Let me ask you this, when you're going number two,

number

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which way do you swipe?

↓

Uh, back to front?

front

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Oh, boy. Well, then we have two problems.

problems

↓

What's gotten into you lately?

gotten lately

↓

That's exactly what I want to know about you!

↓

Yo, we doing Lebanese tonight?

tonight

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I could high-key wreck some baba ghanoush.

baba wreck

↓

Ugh. Go back to your room. You're done for the day.

room

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Deuces!

↓

Stewie, this is a dance club.

club dance stewie

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We can't dance on these things.

dance

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Relax, Brian. Just stand in place and dance with your hands.

brian dance hands place relax stand

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So, am I the tallest guy you've ever dated?

dated tallest

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No, I used to date Shaq.

date shaq used

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Oh, cool. Cool.

cool cool-cool

↓

Y... You may not be impressed with what I'm working with.

impressed working

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You know you can't wear underwear with this dress.

dress underwear wear

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Oh, no, did you keep the receipt?

receipt

↓

Oh, my God, that was amazing.

amazing

↓

I'm so glad you just came alive again after that Narcan.

alive glad

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'Cause you were like, "Ooh, I'm dead."

dead

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And then you were like, "Ah! I'm okay. Let's go!"

↓

I mean, if anything, you were more fun after the Narcan.

fun

↓

Aw, you're so sweet.

sweet

↓

We had such a good time with you guys tonight.

tonight

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We were wondering if you'd want to meet up again tomorrow and have some real fun.

fun meet real tomorrow wondering

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Yeah, yeah, we... we could be down.

↓

Cool!

cool

↓

Stewie, this is amazing. Those girls want to have sex!

amazing girls stewie

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Oh, hell, yeah! I'm gonna have sex like a real grown up.

grown real

↓

I can picture it now.

picture

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What's in your sex briefcase?

briefcase

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Oh, all kinds of grown up sex stuff.

grown kinds stuff

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I am so sorry. This never happens.

happens

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I gave Lois the perfect chance to come clean about cheating,

chance cheating clean lois perfect

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and she didn't tell me anything.

↓

Which is why I'm resorting to Plan B.

plan

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Make a fake profile and see if she responds to it.

fake profile responds

↓

Derek Bandana? Peter, who is this?

bandana derek peter

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It's Chris's hot school bus driver.

driver school

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I gave him 20 bucks to pose for pictures,

bucks pictures pose

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and based on his reaction, I probably could have gone a lot lower.

based gone lower reaction

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"Rogan, bourbon, gym, repeat"?

bourbon repeat rogan

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He gets drunk and then works out?

drunk works

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All we gotta do now is play the waiting game

game waiting

↓

until Lois takes the bait.

bait lois takes

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Oh, she swiped right.

swiped

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- What do I do? - Ask her to dinner.

dinner

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If she says yes, then you know she's cheating and you can divorce her

cheating divorce

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so she can get remarried to whichever one of your friends she wants.

friends wants whichever

↓

Oh, my God! Lois is cheating on me!

cheating lois

↓

Damn! Mom will open it up for anybody.

anybody open

↓

Meg, we said you're done. Get out of Quagmire's house.

house quagmires

↓

Deuces! New catchphrase.

catchphrase

↓

Are you sure we're in the right place?

place

↓

This is the address they told me.

address

↓

A little public for my taste, but I can make do.

public taste

↓

Let me just pay the sun bleached,

bleached

↓

scratched out parking meter that I can't see at all.

meter parking scratched

↓

What? I can't...

↓

All right, we're either good for two hours or we're gonna get towed.

hours towed

↓

Hi, boys. Before we have some real fun, we like to work up a sweat.

boys fun real sweat

↓

And since we know you two are so active, we want you to do our Beach Olympics.

active beach olympics

↓

Hey, if this is the Olympics, call me Usain Bolt because Jamaican me crazy.

bolt crazy jamaican olympics

↓

Okay!

↓

Brian, I don't know if this is a good idea.

brian idea

↓

Why don't we just take off the stilts and go home?

home stilts

↓

Are you kidding me? I don't want to go back to being a short, bald bitch.

bald bald-bitch bitch kidding short

↓

I'm about to get laid by a runway model.

laid model runway

↓

Right. Right. Being tall, getting laid.

laid tall

↓

Was it good for you too?

↓

Is everything okay?

↓

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. A-okay over here. Let's do this thing.

↓

Are you sure you don't want to change?

change

↓

No, I only ever exercise in a black wool duster and pleated gabardine pants.

black duster exercise pants wool

↓

Awesome! Follow us.

awesome follow

↓

Whoo! Come on, boys!

boys whoo

↓

Just race to us!

race

↓

And then we'll head to the beach house to unwind in the hot tub.

beach beach-house head house unwind

↓

It's not our house, but anything that belongs

belongs house

↓

to rich horny guys also technically belongs to us!

belongs horny rich technically

↓

I don't think I can do this anymore.

anymore

↓

Stewie, you have to push through.

push stewie

↓

Do you know how good hot tub sex is?

↓

I gotta tell you something I've never told anyone before.

↓

I don't think I know what sex is.

↓

Well, screw it. I'm going, with or without you.

screw

↓

I guess that makes me the tall guy.

makes tall

↓

You son of a...

↓

- Whoo! - Love it!

love whoo

↓

Keep going!

↓

Yeah!

↓

Come on, boys!

boys

↓

Whoo-hoo!

whoo

↓

Whoo-hoo!

whoo

↓

So, this whole time you were just a baby and a dog on stilts?

baby stilts whole

↓

You're not also a baby and a dog on stilts, are you?

baby stilts

↓

No, we are not.

↓

Then I guess we are done here.

↓

Stewie, I'm really sorry.

stewie

↓

No, no, I get it. You wanted to have sex with those girls.

girls wanted

↓

Hell, I did too.

↓

It wasn't just that. Seeing you taller than me

seeing taller

↓

made me realize that I'll always be this height.

height realize

↓

But soon I'm gonna have to watch you grow up.

grow watch

↓

I guess I was just worried you'd outgrow me as a friend too.

friend worried

↓

Oh, you just don't want to be the short one.

short

↓

Well, who does?

↓

Oh, Brian, don't worry.

brian worry

↓

You'll always be my best friend.

best best-friend friend

↓

Check it out. Looks like our dates have already moved on.

check dates moved

↓

Yeah, we could never compete with those muscle guys.

compete muscle

↓

All right, time to catch Lois red handed.

catch handed lois

↓

Well, well, well.

↓

I bet you weren't expecting to see me here.

expecting

↓

Peter, I knew you were Derek Bandana the whole time.

bandana derek peter whole

↓

What? How?

↓

You think I wouldn't recognize Chris's bus driver?

driver recognize

↓

Also, I could see your reflection in his sunglasses,

reflection sunglasses

↓

and Chris is behind him in the photo.

behind chris photo

↓

And I am behind Chris.

behind chris

↓

Okay, you might have known I was Derek Bandana,

bandana derek known might

↓

but that doesn't explain why you're sleeping with guys on that app.

explain sleeping

↓

Oh, Peter, that's not why I'm on there.

peter

↓

I've never swiped on anyone.

swiped

↓

It's just... It's nice to get attention from men.

attention

↓

I'd never act on it, but it helps my self-esteem.

esteem helps self self-esteem

↓

After all, I'm not getting any younger,

younger

↓

and sometimes I start to wonder how desirable I still am.

sometimes start wonder

↓

That's exactly why I made a profile too!

profile

↓

I was feeling so lousy after our conversation at the pants store

conversation feeling lousy pants store

↓

that I got on the app to try to prove that women like me.

prove women

↓

Oh, Peter, I'm sorry.

peter

↓

I never should have said those things to you.

↓

And I'm sorry for spending thousands of dollars

dollars spending thousands

↓

on your credit card to boost my dating app profile.

boost card credit credit-card dating profile

↓

You know, maybe we should just complement each other once in a while, huh?

complement

↓

I don't know, that feels like a lot.

feels

↓

What do you say?

↓

Delete our apps on the count of three?

apps count delete three

↓

- One, two, three. - One, two, three.

three

↓

Damn it, Peter!

peter

↓

"Yes, I'm up."

↓

Thanks for helping me with the dating app, guys.

dating helping thanks

↓

But Lois and I made up and everything's back to normal.

everythings lois normal

↓

- Glad to hear it. - You got it.

glad

↓

You guys are never gonna believe this.

believe

↓

Steven Tyler is in the bathroom.

bathroom steven steven-tyler tyler

↓

Joe, stealing my Steven Tyler airport story is one thing,

airport stealing steven steven-tyler story tyler

↓

but this is just pathetic.

pathetic

↓

I'm serious!

serious

↓

We're trying to have a conversation here, man.

conversation

↓

Sorry, Steven. They didn't want to come say hi.

steven

↓

For the last time, I'm not Steven Tyler.

steven steven-tyler tyler

↓

And you really shouldn't be looking under the stall doors like that.

doors looking stall

↓

Going incognito, I like it.

↓

Hey, what was it like when that firework blasted your cornea off in '77?

blasted firework

↓

Man, I... I don't know. Probably bad.

↓

No kidding.

kidding

↓

Steven Tyler in my handicap stall.

handicap stall steven steven-tyler tyler

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