Home » Family Guy » S24E11 — Tall Stewie

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Season 24, Episode 11 — Tall Stewie

♪ It seems today That all you see ♪

#1

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♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪

#2

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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

#3

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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

#4

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

#5

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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

#6

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♪ All the things That make us ♪

#7

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♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

#8

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♪ He's a family guy! ♪

#9

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Wait a minute. This isn't the Patriots game.

#10

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Peter, I told you we're going to church today

#11

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because we're being honored for our charity work.

#12

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What charity work?

#13

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Remember that day I dragged you all here

#14

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so we could make eight sandwiches for the homeless?

#15

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Well, they're giving us a paper certificate in front of everybody.

#16

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I hope the priest who plays basketball is here today.

#17

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You made me put on a suit for this?

#18

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This thing is way too tight.

#19

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I've been telling you to buy a new suit for 20 years.

#20

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And we're dressed up because this is a big deal for me.

#21

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But that maybe-teenager-maybe-man

#22

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is wearing his Undertaker sweatshirt.

#23

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Aw, and he gets to do iPad time?

#24

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Stop squirming.

#25

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Can you be a normal husband for one day?

#26

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Before we begin,

#27

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I would like to honor one family's outstanding service to the community.

#28

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It's not the basketball one.

#29

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Please put your hands together for the winners

#30

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of the third annual Jesus Christ Memorial Award,

#31

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the Griffins.

#32

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I do apologize,

#33

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our printer ran out of ink, so this is just a blank piece of paper.

#34

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We would also be delighted if you'd take the first communion.

#35

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But Peter's suit pants had been pushed so far to the edge

#36

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that one measly wafer was more than they could take.

#37

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Peter!

#38

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What a buffoon!

#39

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She married him?

#40

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Next week, we won't be here because we're going to Virginia Beach.

#41

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It's not that bad.

#42

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Let he who has not split his pants in church, cast the first stone.

#43

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Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop! Okay!

#44

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Hey, Stewie. What's going on?

#45

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Brian, I've just received an invitation to the toddler social event of the season.

#46

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- Wow. What is it? - It's a nighttime costume party.

#47

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And it starts at 5:30. "Uber strongly encouraged."

#48

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I'd better reserve mine now.

#49

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Oh, boy.

#50

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Wait a minute. This isn't the Patriots game.

#51

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Look, we are shopping for new pants.

#52

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I can't believe you showed the entire church your bare ass.

#53

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Well, I'm just glad everything is back to normal.

#54

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No, it isn't. You didn't even change your pants.

#55

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I mean, look at you. You're a mess.

#56

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You are lucky we're married

#57

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because no other woman would ever find you attractive.

#58

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Oh, yeah?

#59

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Hi, Peter Griffin.

#60

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You may recognize me from a certain piece

#61

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of Rhode Island legislation called Griffin's Law.

#62

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You can't use the bathroom in a steakhouse unless you order something.

#63

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Oh, God, Peter, you are embarrassing yourself.

#64

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You're an overweight, middle-aged man who just had to have a priest

#65

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tape his ass shut in front of all our friends and family.

#66

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Do you know how unusual it is for a priest to tape one of those shut?

#67

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How was the party?

#68

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All right, I want to tell you, but before I do,

#69

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do you know the maids' parts from "I Could Have Danced All Night"?

#70

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- No. - All right. Well, the point is

#71

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I could have danced all night.

#72

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Well, I'm glad you had fun. Let's get you to bed.

#73

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Huh. Something feels different.

#74

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Do you... Do you have a little bald spot?

#75

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What? No! It's time for bed, Stewie, come on.

#76

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- No. - What did you say?

#77

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I said no. You go to bed, you short, bald bitch.

#78

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I can't believe Lois thinks I'm unattractive.

#79

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Do all women see me this way?

#80

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You know, if you really want to test your desirability,

#81

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you should set up a profile on a dating app.

#82

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You know, like Stumble or Pair of Plegics.

#83

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You're right! I'll just marry a second woman!

#84

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No, Peter, you won't actually meet up with anybody.

#85

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You just get on the app to see if women match with you.

#86

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Then you have proof that you're attractive.

#87

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Joe, you're a genius.

#88

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Peter, as a married man, surely you shouldn't join a dating app.

#89

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I'm sorry, guys, but I have to do this.

#90

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When you die, you don't think about how much money you had.

#91

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You think about how many matches you got.

#92

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Chris, come closer.

#93

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One of my matches was a Latina.

#94

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You've said that several times now.

#95

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She was from the Caribbean.

#96

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That's even better.

#97

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It's okay for you to go now.

#98

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Big, fat ass.

#99

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Does anyone have a pillow?

#100

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All right, my profile is all set up.

#101

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Now the matches roll in.

#102

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"Proud owner of new pants."

#103

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And your only photo is of you arguing over your bill at the Ponderosa Steakhouse?

#104

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Who took this?

#105

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There were a lot of people with their phones out. It got loud.

#106

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"I once saw Steven Tyler at the airport."

#107

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I guess that's interesting-adjacent.

#108

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- Steven Tyler? What terminal? - Qantas.

#109

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Huh, no kidding. Qantas?

#110

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Geez, Peter, you're sitting on the Rolls-Royce of anecdotes.

#111

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Peter, this isn't gonna cut it.

#112

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You need to present a perfectly curated profile, and we're gonna help you.

#113

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Wow. Thanks, guys.

#114

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Now, let's go take some photos that suggest you have

#115

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literally any hobbies besides drinking.

#116

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Hey, listen, do you think I could tell that Steven Tyler story like it's my own?

#117

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It'd really help me out.

#118

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Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

#119

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And right there in the middle of the Qantas terminal,

#120

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is Mr. Rag Doll himself,

#121

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Steven Tyler.

#122

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Wow, what an amazing sighting!

#123

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Can I tell that story like it's my own?

#124

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No.

#125

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Hey, Brian. Wait.

#126

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We literally look like Schwarzenegger and DeVito in Twins.

#127

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Oh, my God, this is everything!

#128

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Oh, God. Life is funny, man.

#129

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All right, get out of my seat.

#130

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So, whoever is the tallest just gets to do whatever they want?

#131

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I mean, I didn't say it, but it sounds like a good system.

#132

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Okay, if that's how you want it.

#133

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Whaa... You said that

#134

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knowing you were taller than me.

#135

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Yeah. Who's a short, bald bitch now?

#136

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You bastard! How'd you do it?

#137

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Gardening clogs.

#138

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Why is funny?

#139

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The joke is he wears normal shoes?

#140

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I don't get it either.

#141

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Now let's cut your bangs in the back of your hair

#142

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in a very normal way while I sing the Dutch national anthem.

#143

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♪ Windmills blowing in the wind ♪

#144

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♪ And tulips and chocolate are also good ♪

#145

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Peter, if you're gonna have a profile

#146

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that can compete with the best of 'em,

#147

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first, we need something to show that you're politically active.

#148

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Yeah, but these days you can't risk isolating anybody.

#149

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You need to make a strong yet vague political statement.

#150

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Here, take this sign.

#151

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"We Are Us"?

#152

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What does that mean? Kinda just sounds like nothing.

#153

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You think we aren't us?

#154

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I... I... I guess not.

#155

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You'll also want to wrap yourself in this American flag.

#156

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Are those question marks?

#157

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Look who's asking the right questions.

#158

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All right, now just kneel down in front of this fire station

#159

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so the whole thing seems vaguely related to law enforcement.

#160

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Next, we want to show women that you're easygoing and outdoorsy.

#161

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Let's get a picture of you holding this surfboard.

#162

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Now let's get one in just my swim trunks.

#163

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I'll simply take off this damp wet suit.

#164

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Can you guys help me?

#165

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Sorry, Peter. Our hands are covered in beach taco aioli.

#166

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Outdoorsy.

#167

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- Oh, hey, Chris. - Are you Slender Man?

#168

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What? No, it's me, Stewie.

#169

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I think I'll go kill some people in the woods just in case.

#170

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Seems like he was going to do that regardless.

#171

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Hey, Brian, I have something to show you!

#172

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Oh, good. I was just looking for y...

#173

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- Uncle Sam stilts on Amazon? - Uncle Sam stilts on Amazon.

#174

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Yeah, they get real cheap after Presidents' Day.

#175

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Well, I'm off to go establish myself as the town tall guy.

#176

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Yeah, right. More like... more like town small fry.

#177

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Oof. Major short king energy, Bri.

#178

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Hey, how you doing? Beautiful day for it.

#179

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- Hey! - Ah, crap.

#180

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Ha! How's the weather down there, pipsqueak?

#181

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I don't know, Bruno Mars.

#182

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How is it not being allowed on roller coasters

#183

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and putting out album after album of undeniable hits?

#184

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Time out. Time out. I can't breathe.

#185

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Hey, boys. Out for a run?

#186

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Oh, hey. Yeah. We're just putting these bad boys to use.

#187

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We're all about being active.

#188

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That's so awesome!

#189

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I'm Sydney and this is Odette.

#190

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You know, as runway fashion models,

#191

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it's hard to find men who are tall enough for us.

#192

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Is it just me, or is every guy these days a short, bald bitch?

#193

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No way. We were literally just saying that.

#194

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Hey, you guys should come out with us tonight.

#195

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We're going to a club that's free for us to get into but $45 for you.

#196

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- Oh, word? - Here's our Instagram handles.

#197

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We both do sponsored posts but have few enough followers

#198

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that it's confusing why anyone is paying us.

#199

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See you later.

#200

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Brian, do you know what this means?

#201

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- We get to dance! - We get to have sex!

#202

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Oh, yeah, and... and... and sex with models.

#203

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So dope.

#204

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I launched a profile with the pictures we took

#205

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and I ain't gotten a single match.

#206

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And I've been messaging everyone.

#207

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Just to reiterate, you are married.

#208

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You're right. I can't give up.

#209

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Maybe the app just isn't working.

#210

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Quagmire, try sending me a test message.

#211

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Ah, Peter, it's me! And the message just said "test".

#212

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There's not a single woman on here who's even slightly interested in me.

#213

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Maybe Lois was right.

#214

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I am completely undesirable.

#215

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She doesn't want me.

#216

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She doesn't want me.

#217

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She doesn't want me.

#218

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Wait, wait. Wait a minute. Back up to that last one.

#219

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Lois has a profile on a dating app?

#220

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Oh, my God, I have a profile on a dating app?

#221

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Oh, boy, Peter, I think all those concussions

#222

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over the years are starting to add up.

#223

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Let me take you to the blue tent.

#224

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And Peter is now being helped over to the blue tent.

#225

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That is not something that anyone wants to see.

#226

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Yeah, Peter's had his bell rung a few times.

#227

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At this point, you think someone would step in.

#228

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And now it looks as if Peter has farted inside the blue tent

#229

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and they're gonna let it air out before continuing the evaluation.

#230

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I think we're looking at a fart joke, Jim.

#231

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Oh, boy. Looks like they're taking Peter's pants away.

#232

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This might be it for Peter for the night.

#233

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Sounds like he misjudged that fart joke.

#234

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Oh, and they're putting the pants on the cart.

#235

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They're driving him out of here.

#236

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Oh, that's great. You always like to see that.

#237

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I can't believe Lois is on a dating app.

#238

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I don't know what to do, guys.

#239

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Well, why don't you just talk to her honestly about it?

#240

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You know what, Cleveland? This might be funny to you,

#241

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but I have a real problem here.

#242

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Well, you can't confront Lois directly,

#243

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or else she'll know you have a profile on the app too.

#244

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Why don't you tell Lois that Quagmire saw her on the app.

#245

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Eh, sorry, Joe, but Lois would know

#246

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that I have an under 30 filter.

#247

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Kinda unrealistic.

#248

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Well, then it seems I'll just have to go convince her

#249

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to out herself in my own subtle manner.

#250

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And where have you been?

#251

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I was at the grocery store.

#252

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How did you make it dark in here at 3:00 pm?

#253

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Did you come home with any dates or eggplants?

#254

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Look, if you are craving Lebanese food,

#255

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you have to to let me know before I go to the store.

#256

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Let me ask you this, when you're going number two,

#257

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which way do you swipe?

#258

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Uh, back to front?

#259

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Oh, boy. Well, then we have two problems.

#260

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What's gotten into you lately?

#261

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That's exactly what I want to know about you!

#262

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Yo, we doing Lebanese tonight?

#263

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I could high-key wreck some baba ghanoush.

#264

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Ugh. Go back to your room. You're done for the day.

#265

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Deuces!

#266

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Stewie, this is a dance club.

#267

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We can't dance on these things.

#268

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Relax, Brian. Just stand in place and dance with your hands.

#269

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So, am I the tallest guy you've ever dated?

#270

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No, I used to date Shaq.

#271

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Oh, cool. Cool.

#272

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Y... You may not be impressed with what I'm working with.

#273

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You know you can't wear underwear with this dress.

#274

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Oh, no, did you keep the receipt?

#275

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Oh, my God, that was amazing.

#276

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I'm so glad you just came alive again after that Narcan.

#277

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'Cause you were like, "Ooh, I'm dead."

#278

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And then you were like, "Ah! I'm okay. Let's go!"

#279

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I mean, if anything, you were more fun after the Narcan.

#280

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Aw, you're so sweet.

#281

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We had such a good time with you guys tonight.

#282

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We were wondering if you'd want to meet up again tomorrow and have some real fun.

#283

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Yeah, yeah, we... we could be down.

#284

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Cool!

#285

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Stewie, this is amazing. Those girls want to have sex!

#286

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Oh, hell, yeah! I'm gonna have sex like a real grown up.

#287

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I can picture it now.

#288

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What's in your sex briefcase?

#289

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Oh, all kinds of grown up sex stuff.

#290

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I am so sorry. This never happens.

#291

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I gave Lois the perfect chance to come clean about cheating,

#292

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and she didn't tell me anything.

#293

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Which is why I'm resorting to Plan B.

#294

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Make a fake profile and see if she responds to it.

#295

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Derek Bandana? Peter, who is this?

#296

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It's Chris's hot school bus driver.

#297

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I gave him 20 bucks to pose for pictures,

#298

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and based on his reaction, I probably could have gone a lot lower.

#299

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"Rogan, bourbon, gym, repeat"?

#300

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He gets drunk and then works out?

#301

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All we gotta do now is play the waiting game

#302

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until Lois takes the bait.

#303

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Oh, she swiped right.

#304

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- What do I do? - Ask her to dinner.

#305

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If she says yes, then you know she's cheating and you can divorce her

#306

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so she can get remarried to whichever one of your friends she wants.

#307

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Oh, my God! Lois is cheating on me!

#308

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Damn! Mom will open it up for anybody.

#309

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Meg, we said you're done. Get out of Quagmire's house.

#310

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Deuces! New catchphrase.

#311

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Are you sure we're in the right place?

#312

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This is the address they told me.

#313

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A little public for my taste, but I can make do.

#314

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Let me just pay the sun bleached,

#315

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scratched out parking meter that I can't see at all.

#316

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What? I can't...

#317

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All right, we're either good for two hours or we're gonna get towed.

#318

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Hi, boys. Before we have some real fun, we like to work up a sweat.

#319

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And since we know you two are so active, we want you to do our Beach Olympics.

#320

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Hey, if this is the Olympics, call me Usain Bolt because Jamaican me crazy.

#321

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Okay!

#322

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Brian, I don't know if this is a good idea.

#323

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Why don't we just take off the stilts and go home?

#324

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Are you kidding me? I don't want to go back to being a short, bald bitch.

#325

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I'm about to get laid by a runway model.

#326

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Right. Right. Being tall, getting laid.

#327

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Was it good for you too?

#328

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Is everything okay?

#329

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Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. A-okay over here. Let's do this thing.

#330

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Are you sure you don't want to change?

#331

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No, I only ever exercise in a black wool duster and pleated gabardine pants.

#332

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Awesome! Follow us.

#333

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Whoo! Come on, boys!

#334

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Just race to us!

#335

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And then we'll head to the beach house to unwind in the hot tub.

#336

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It's not our house, but anything that belongs

#337

⇓

to rich horny guys also technically belongs to us!

#338

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I don't think I can do this anymore.

#339

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Stewie, you have to push through.

#340

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Do you know how good hot tub sex is?

#341

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I gotta tell you something I've never told anyone before.

#342

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I don't think I know what sex is.

#343

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Well, screw it. I'm going, with or without you.

#344

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I guess that makes me the tall guy.

#345

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You son of a...

#346

⇓

- Whoo! - Love it!

#347

⇓

Keep going!

#348

⇓

Yeah!

#349

⇓

Come on, boys!

#350

⇓

Whoo-hoo!

#351

⇓

Whoo-hoo!

#352

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So, this whole time you were just a baby and a dog on stilts?

#353

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You're not also a baby and a dog on stilts, are you?

#354

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No, we are not.

#355

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Then I guess we are done here.

#356

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Stewie, I'm really sorry.

#357

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No, no, I get it. You wanted to have sex with those girls.

#358

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Hell, I did too.

#359

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It wasn't just that. Seeing you taller than me

#360

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made me realize that I'll always be this height.

#361

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But soon I'm gonna have to watch you grow up.

#362

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I guess I was just worried you'd outgrow me as a friend too.

#363

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Oh, you just don't want to be the short one.

#364

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Well, who does?

#365

⇓

Oh, Brian, don't worry.

#366

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You'll always be my best friend.

#367

⇓

Check it out. Looks like our dates have already moved on.

#368

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Yeah, we could never compete with those muscle guys.

#369

⇓

All right, time to catch Lois red handed.

#370

⇓

Well, well, well.

#371

⇓

I bet you weren't expecting to see me here.

#372

⇓

Peter, I knew you were Derek Bandana the whole time.

#373

⇓

What? How?

#374

⇓

You think I wouldn't recognize Chris's bus driver?

#375

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Also, I could see your reflection in his sunglasses,

#376

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and Chris is behind him in the photo.

#377

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And I am behind Chris.

#378

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Okay, you might have known I was Derek Bandana,

#379

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but that doesn't explain why you're sleeping with guys on that app.

#380

⇓

Oh, Peter, that's not why I'm on there.

#381

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I've never swiped on anyone.

#382

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It's just... It's nice to get attention from men.

#383

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I'd never act on it, but it helps my self-esteem.

#384

⇓

After all, I'm not getting any younger,

#385

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and sometimes I start to wonder how desirable I still am.

#386

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That's exactly why I made a profile too!

#387

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I was feeling so lousy after our conversation at the pants store

#388

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that I got on the app to try to prove that women like me.

#389

⇓

Oh, Peter, I'm sorry.

#390

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I never should have said those things to you.

#391

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And I'm sorry for spending thousands of dollars

#392

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on your credit card to boost my dating app profile.

#393

⇓

You know, maybe we should just complement each other once in a while, huh?

#394

⇓

I don't know, that feels like a lot.

#395

⇓

What do you say?

#396

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Delete our apps on the count of three?

#397

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- One, two, three. - One, two, three.

#398

⇓

Damn it, Peter!

#399

⇓

"Yes, I'm up."

#400

⇓

Thanks for helping me with the dating app, guys.

#401

⇓

But Lois and I made up and everything's back to normal.

#402

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- Glad to hear it. - You got it.

#403

⇓

You guys are never gonna believe this.

#404

⇓

Steven Tyler is in the bathroom.

#405

⇓

Joe, stealing my Steven Tyler airport story is one thing,

#406

⇓

but this is just pathetic.

#407

⇓

I'm serious!

#408

⇓

We're trying to have a conversation here, man.

#409

⇓

Sorry, Steven. They didn't want to come say hi.

#410

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For the last time, I'm not Steven Tyler.

#411

⇓

And you really shouldn't be looking under the stall doors like that.

#412

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Going incognito, I like it.

#413

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Hey, what was it like when that firework blasted your cornea off in '77?

#414

⇓

Man, I... I don't know. Probably bad.

#415

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No kidding.

#416

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Steven Tyler in my handicap stall.

#417

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