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Home » Family Guy » S24E12 — Lower G.I. Joe

Family Guy

Season 24, Episode 12 — Lower G.I. Joe

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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

seems seems-today today

↓

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

movies violence

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♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

fashioned fashioned-values values

↓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

rely used

↓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

family lucky

↓

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

lucky positively

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

↓

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

laugh

↓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

family

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My apologies, Mr. Griffin.

apologies griffin

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Dr. Hartman is still with a patient,

hartman patient

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and definitely not playing Rock Band

band playing rock

↓

through the paper-thin walls of his office right now.

office paper thin walls

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-[objects clattering] -[Dr. Hartman singing] ♪ Well, I'm here ♪

clattering hartman objects singing

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♪ To remind you of the mess... ♪

mess remind

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Watch out for the plug! Watch out for the plug!

plug watch

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-[clicks] -Aw, you dope.

clicks dope

↓

-[door opens] -[footsteps approaching]

approaching door door-opens footsteps footsteps-approaching opens

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Sorry. I was with a very sick patient.

patient sick

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You're still wearing the guitar.

guitar wearing

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Oops. My bad.

oops

↓

Let's, uh, keep that off the Yelp, huh?

yelp

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So you're here for a physical.

physical

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I'll start with a few questions.

questions start

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How many drinks would you say you have per week?

drinks week

↓

-Four. -Oh.

four

↓

-Hundred. -Oh.

hundred

↓

-Fifty. -Okay. You need to talk faster.

faster fifty

↓

Now, I'm going to show you a list of the Top Ten songs on Spotify.

list songs

↓

Tell me how many of these artists or songs you recognize.

artists recognize songs

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None. Oh, oh, wait. Oh, no, I know her.

↓

Uh, Dua... Dua... Duo Lingo!

↓

Not sure we can accept that.

accept

↓

Let's go to the Gen Z judge

judge

↓

who's always sad about stuff he just saw on social media.

media social social-media stuff

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Do you even realize how much water it takes to grow a single almond?

almond grow realize single takes water

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Well, he's busy being sad about almonds.

almonds busy

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However, I can say that given your age, and embarrassing

embarrassing given

↓

lack of pop culture knowledge, it's time I schedule you for your first colonoscopy.

colonoscopy culture knowledge lack schedule

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-What the hell is that? -Here's a video of a plumber

plumber video

↓

from Southie describing the whole thing.

describing whole

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So they snake this freaking camera in your caboose.

caboose camera freaking snake

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Look, I know it sounds gay, but it ain't.

aint sounds

↓

It's a real medical procedure. It's not gay.

medical procedure real

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-[man] You ever had one? -Nah. What am I, gay?

↓

-What's all that stuff? -Oh, just some forms.

forms stuff

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We're going on a field trip to the animal shelter,

animal animal-shelter field field-trip shelter trip

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and I need Mom to chaperone.

chaperone

↓

You need a chaperone for a trip to the animal shelter,

animal animal-shelter chaperone shelter trip

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-and you're not asking me? -Why?

asking

↓

So you can taunt all the German Shepherds behind bars?

bars behind german shepherds taunt

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[scoffs] I wouldn't do that.

scoffs

↓

Yeah? Then why is your tail wagging?

tail

↓

Damn. Look, all I'm saying is

↓

I could provide hope to those dogs in there

dogs hope provide

↓

who've given up by telling them my story.

given story telling whove

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A story of inspiration,

inspiration story

↓

a story of will, a story of triumph.

story triumph

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You were picked up on the side of the road like a runaway hooker.

hooker picked road runaway side

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A story of doing hand stuff for drugs.

drugs hand hand-stuff story stuff

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I've been putting off my colonoscopy for months now.

colonoscopy months putting

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Yep. My barber said I'm overdue for mine.

barber overdue

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-You mean your doctor? -Nope. Barber.

barber doctor nope

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Black guys get their medical advice from their barbers,

advice black medical

↓

and their haircut advice from their doctors.

advice doctors haircut

↓

We're all just one guy off.

↓

Boy, what happened to the days when men just ignored

days happened ignored

↓

months of bloody toilet water and slowly withered away

bloody months slowly toilet water withered

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to die a costly and unnecessary death?

death unnecessary

↓

You know, maybe the reason we've been putting this off

putting reason

↓

is because, deep down, we're scared.

deep scared

↓

And maybe we'll feel better if we just talk about what we're scared of.

scared

↓

All right, I'll go first. I'm mostly scared of someone

mostly scared

↓

seeing my gigantic butt and tiny wiener.

butt gigantic seeing tiny wiener

↓

That's what I'm scared of, too!

scared

↓

What if there was a way to make the colonoscopy process less scary?

colonoscopy less process scary

↓

Like, what if we rented a cabin

cabin rented

↓

and did the prep night together,

night prep

↓

so we could be there to support one another?

another support

↓

Huh, that-that would make it easier.

easier

↓

-I'd do it. -I'd be into that.

↓

Great. Cleveland.

cleveland

↓

Yep. D'Vante said it's cool.

cool

↓

-I'm assuming D'Vante is... -D'Vante is my barber. Yes.

assuming barber

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Hi, kids. I'm Sophie.

kids

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Welcome to the animal shelter,

animal animal-shelter shelter welcome

↓

where the pit bull to lesbian volunteer ratio is always one to one.

bull lesbian ratio volunteer

↓

-So let's meet-- -Hi, Sophie.

meet

↓

Brian Griffin. Dog who's also pretty much a guy.

brian brian-griffin griffin

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I'll take it from here.

↓

Fellow canines, my name is Brian Griffin.

brian brian-griffin fellow griffin name

↓

And before I tell you my story, I want to hear yours.

story

↓

Now, how many of you were returned by Lena Dunham or Ellen DeGeneres?

ellen returned

↓

[dogs barking in acceptance]

acceptance barking dogs

↓

Well, I'm here to say that no matter how pathetic that bitch Sarah McLachlan

bitch matter pathetic sarah

↓

is making you all look in those commercials,

commercials

↓

there is hope and I am living proof of that.

hope living living-proof proof

↓

Everyone moved on to the cat section

moved section

↓

three seconds into whatever that was.

seconds three three-seconds

↓

Wait, they have cats here?

cats

↓

Oh, I will not be around cats.

cats

↓

It's an animal shelter. They've got everything.

animal animal-shelter shelter

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They even have Diddy's pit bull.

bull

↓

Just let me outside. I'll play in the yard.

yard

↓

I won't look, I won't tell nobody nothing.

nobody

↓

[cats meowing]

cats cats-meowing meowing

↓

Come on, Brian, even you have to admit these guys are pretty cute.

admit brian cute

↓

No! Cats are terrible, selfish creatures.

cats creatures selfish

↓

I mean, who poops inside?

poops

↓

Oh, my God! Get it off, get it off, get it off! [barking]

barking

↓

[cat whimpering]

whimpering

↓

-[purring] -Huh.

↓

I guess that is kind of cute.

cute

↓

You know, maybe I was wrong about cats.

cats

↓

Okay, kids,

kids

↓

it's time to see where we keep all the Rob Schneiders.

↓

Boy, everyone thinks they're ready for a Rob Schneider

ready thinks

↓

until they get one home.

home

↓

Come on, Brian, we gotta go.

brian

↓

Right, let me just take this guy off my...

↓

-[hissing] -[♪ suspenseful music playing]

hissing music music-playing playing suspenseful suspenseful-music suspenseful-music-playing

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-[Brian barking] -[hissing]

barking brian hissing

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[cat shrieking and crying]

crying shrieking

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What are you doing? You're going to kill him! Drop it! Drop it now!

drop kill

↓

[Brian continues growling]

brian continues growling

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[snaps]

snaps

↓

What happened? I blacked out!

blacked happened

↓

You killed a kitten, you monster!

killed kitten monster

↓

I told you it was a bad idea for me to be in here.

idea

↓

Oh, we're going to be in so much trouble.

trouble

↓

Listen, we can't just leave the dead kitten in here.

dead kitten

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Okay, let me think. There's gotta be a dumpster out back.

dumpster

↓

We could put it in there.

↓

I don't think we have another choice.

another choice

↓

You could always cover yourself in drugged baby oil

baby cover drugged

↓

and wake up back at home.

home wake

↓

I thought you said you were gonna keep your mouth shut.

mouth

↓

Okay, our colonoscopies are tomorrow morning.

morning tomorrow tomorrow-morning

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So, I'm gonna go mix up some tasty colonoscopy prep cocktails.

cocktails colonoscopy prep tasty

↓

I made a killer diarrhea playlist.

diarrhea killer playlist

↓

Boy, you guys are gonna lose it when we're five hours in

five five-hours hours lose

↓

and Natalie Imbruglia's Torn comes on.

comes torn

↓

You got Diana Ross' I'm Coming Out on there?

coming diana ross

↓

This isn't my first diarrhea playlist, okay, pal?

diarrhea playlist

↓

Gentlemen, say hello to my signature colonoscopy prep cocktails.

cocktails colonoscopy gentlemen prep signature

↓

Joe, here's your "Bum and Coke"

coke

↓

Peter, you get a "Pina Colon-ada."

colon peter

↓

And Cleveland gets a "Gin and Deuce."

cleveland deuce

↓

[imitating Snoop Dogg] Laid back.

dogg imitating laid snoop

↓

And I made myself a "Coilermaker."

↓

Bottoms up. And then in 45 minutes,

bottoms minutes

↓

bottoms very much down.

bottoms

↓

-[stomachs gurgling] -[all] Oh, my God!

gurgling stomachs

↓

Now, I assume that a single room cabin in the woods has four bathrooms?

assume bathrooms cabin four room single woods

↓

Well, technically it has one three-quarter bath.

bath quarter technically three

↓

-So there's not even a tub? -I call the shower!

shower

↓

Why wouldn't you call the toilet first?

toilet

↓

I don't have time to argue.

argue

↓

-I'll be in the shower! -I call the toilet. [farts]

farts shower toilet

↓

I'm bagged and ready to go 24/7.

bagged ready

↓

Fine! I'll figure it out. [farts]

farts figure

↓

[Peter] Whose blue luggage is this?

blue luggage peter

↓

[Glenn] Peter, no! That's my Away brand luggage.

brand glenn luggage peter

↓

I get compliments on that.

compliments

↓

You guys look high as balls.

balls

↓

Anyway, time for your results.

results

↓

Mr. Quagmire, Mr. Swanson, and Mr. Brown, you're all clear.

brown clear quagmire swanson

↓

Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid we found something quite large.

afraid found griffin

↓

-Was it my penis? -It was definitely

penis

↓

not your penis.

penis

↓

Although, your butt is gigantic.

butt gigantic

↓

What we found was this.

found

↓

[♪ ethereal music playing]

ethereal music music-playing playing

↓

Oh, my God, my childhood G.I. Joe.

childhood

↓

-That was inside his colon? -Yep.

colon

↓

I'm afraid this soldier was literally left behind.

afraid behind left left-behind soldier

↓

Not to be that guy, but this Joe came with a pair of binoculars.

binoculars pair

↓

He-He was kind of like the scout.

scout

↓

Did you happen to see anything like that?

happen

↓

Oh! Never mind. I think they just came out of the mess hall.

hall mess mind

↓

Peter, how did that little guy even get in your colon?

colon peter

↓

I was a kid!

↓

If you squish anything into Wonder Bread, it goes down soft.

bread soft squish wonder

↓

You ate a G.I. Joe?

↓

Oh. Ar-Are we gonna play this game, Quagmire?

game quagmire

↓

Are we gonna play the "How did objects get inside of you" game?

game objects

↓

Withdrawn.

↓

Um, I just looked up vintage 1980s G.I. Joe scout with binoculars

binoculars looked scout vintage

↓

and it says it's worth $100,000!

worth

↓

-What? -Oh, wow.

↓

Let me see that.

↓

[♪ dramatic music playing]

dramatic dramatic-music dramatic-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

Holy crap, it does say that.

holy

↓

Wait, I'm in your phone as "White Number Three?"

number number-three phone three white

↓

-What am I listed as in your phone? -Withdrawn.

listed phone

↓

I still can't believe I snapped and killed that kitten.

believe killed kitten snapped

↓

You don't think that shelter has cameras, do you?

cameras shelter

↓

There was one water bowl for 40 dogs. I don't think they have money for cameras.

bowl cameras dogs money water

↓

As long as neither of us talks, I guess we'll be fine.

talks

↓

Yes. As long as I don't talk,

↓

-we'll be fine. -What's that supposed to mean?

supposed

↓

I'm just saying my silence comes at a price.

comes price silence

↓

And that price is the cost of an annual membership at the Soho House Malibu.

annual cost house malibu membership price

↓

What? That's the most expensive Soho House.

expensive house

↓

Fine. Then I want front row seats to Paris Fashion Week.

fashion front paris seats week

↓

And I refuse to sit next to any of the Hadids.

refuse

↓

I will get you a sticker book of Bluey.

bluey book sticker

↓

You, sir, have my silence.

silence

↓

Peter, would you mind moving that thing from your butt,

butt mind moving peter

↓

away from the onion rings we're all eating?

eating onion rings

↓

Sorry. So, what do you guys think I should do

↓

with the 100 grand I'll make from selling this thing?

grand selling

↓

What do you mean? We're splitting it.

splitting

↓

Yeah, we each get a share of that.

share

↓

I never said I'd split it. He was inside me.

split

↓

I was the one who spent decades carrying him to term.

carrying decades spent term

↓

You wouldn't even have gotten a colonoscopy if it wasn't for us.

colonoscopy gotten

↓

I'm not giving you guys my money!

giving money

↓

We can't let him get away with this!

↓

I agree with "White Number Two."

agree number white

↓

Hey, check it out. Mayor West is doing press conferences on TikTok now.

check conferences mayor press tiktok west

↓

Howdy, TikTok. I'm Mayor Wild West,

howdy mayor mayor-wild tiktok west wild wild-west

↓

here today with a hat over my heart press conference.

conference heart press press-conference today

↓

See, my sweet feline companion Meower West has gone missing.

companion gone missing sweet west

↓

[♪ mysterious music playing]

music music-playing mysterious mysterious-music playing

↓

I was contacted by the shelter and told he had wandered into their facility.

contacted facility shelter wandered

↓

But when I went to pick him up, he was gone.

gone pick

↓

Possibly kidnapped.

kidnapped possibly

↓

Well, when I find out who took him,

↓

I will personally pursue the harshest punishment allowed by law.

allowed personally punishment pursue

↓

Thank you, TikTok.

tiktok

↓

Now, enjoy the vicious comments

comments enjoy vicious

↓

on the post of an overweight girl who's clearly struggling.

girl overweight post struggling

↓

So AMC made me buy two seats for Wicked.

seats wicked

↓

[♪ amusing instrumental music playing]

amusing instrumental instrumental-music instrumental-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

I killed Mayor Wild West's cat.

killed mayor mayor-wild wild

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Oh, this is bad, Brian. Very bad.

brian

↓

You've got to get out of town.

town

↓

Luckily, I've got a "go bag," so I can leave at a moment's notice.

luckily moments notice

↓

Here, you take it.

↓

-What's this? -Oh, that's a European adapter

european

↓

for my Conair hair dryer.

dryer hair

↓

[chuckles] I think-I think you're gonna need that.

chuckles

↓

Four pairs of boots?

boots four pairs

↓

I don't know who's gonna see me twice!

twice

↓

You know, I can't believe you would let something like a toy

believe

↓

get in the way of your friendship with the guys, Peter.

friendship peter

↓

So? You didn't talk to Bonnie for two years

bonnie years

↓

after she got the same haircut as you.

haircut

↓

Well, that's different. Bonnie's a bitch.

bitch bonnies

↓

I'm just saying think of all the great times you've had with the guys.

times

↓

And you're gonna give it up for what? 40, 50 bucks?

bucks

↓

Fifty bucks? Lois. This thing's worth $100,000.

bucks fifty lois worth

↓

Wow. Dad's right. I just googled it.

dads googled

↓

What? Let me see that.

↓

Oh, my God, Peter.

peter

↓

We're gonna be rich!

rich

↓

Okay, forget everything I just said.

forget

↓

Screw those guys. Your butt stuff belongs to us.

belongs butt screw stuff

↓

-[doorbell rings] -I'll get it.

doorbell doorbell-rings rings

↓

Excuse me. Are you Peter Griffin?

excuse griffin peter peter-griffin

↓

-Yeah. -You've been served.

served

↓

Those bastards are actually suing me

bastards suing

↓

for their share of the G.I. Joe.

share

↓

Excuse me, are you Andrew McCormick?

andrew excuse mccormick

↓

-Yes. -I'm here to serve you.

serve

↓

Wait. I just served him.

served

↓

Get out of here. You're lying.

lying

↓

No, I swear to God. Sir, what did I just do?

swear

↓

-He served me. -Hey,

served

↓

I'm just gonna go out on a limb here,

limb

↓

but are you ambisexual?

↓

-I am. -Would you like to have a drink

drink

↓

and see if we can rub our way to a little jean smoke?

jean smoke

↓

Love to.

love

↓

I guess it's true what they say.

↓

"Every pot has a lid."

↓

Boy, they fogged up that Altima real quick.

quick real real-quick

↓

Uh, what's going on?

↓

Your father got a letter saying his friends are taking him to court.

court father friends letter

↓

Yeah, I read that letter.

letter read

↓

They're taking him to arbitration, not court.

arbitration court

↓

-What? Really? -Yeah.

↓

And if you need representation, I'm happy to offer my services.

happy offer representation services

↓

I've spent months studying anal salvage law.

anal months spent studying

↓

You... You have?

↓

It started out as a fun personal project,

fun personal project started

↓

but then I kind of fell down an internet rabbit hole.

fell hole internet rabbit

↓

But this whole thing only happened a couple of days ago.

couple days happened whole

↓

Well, that's what we would call

↓

a happy coincidence now, isn't it?

coincidence happy

↓

Okay, Stewie. Run me through the plan one more time.

plan stewie

↓

All right. Well, no one has more cats in town than the librarian.

cats librarian town

↓

So there's a very good chance she'll have a Meow West lookalike inside.

chance meow shell west

↓

So I'll distract her here at the front door.

distract door front front-door

↓

You sneak in through the back and find us a replacement cat.

replacement sneak

↓

I don't know. Me in another room full of cats seems risky.

another another-room cats full risky room room-full seems

↓

Oh, that's the risky part? Not the high-wire improvisational act

part risky wire

↓

I'm about to pull off with the librarian?

librarian pull

↓

No, I suppose that's the easy part, right?

easy part suppose

↓

Do I need to remind you I'm on the improv theater's

improv remind theaters

↓

house team, Brian?

brian house team

↓

We had to kick Brad off, by the way.

brad kick

↓

He did the Chinese voice on stage again.

chinese stage voice

↓

Ugh, whatever. I just want this whole thing to be over already.

whole

↓

[doorbell rings]

doorbell doorbell-rings rings

↓

Hello, I'm an online dating expert,

dating expert online

↓

and I'm giving one lucky person

giving lucky person

↓

a free Bumble profile makeover.

free makeover profile

↓

May I ask how your dating life is going?

dating life

↓

Oh. [chuckles] Let's just say

chuckles

↓

my dating life's quieter than the place I work.

dating lifes place quieter

↓

I work in a library.

library

↓

No. Yeah, I'm aware.

aware

↓

Let's have a look at your profile, shall we?

profile

↓

-Oh, sure. Let me just log in. -[clicking]

clicking

↓

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

music music-playing playing suspenseful suspenseful-music suspenseful-music-playing

↓

[cats meowing]

cats cats-meowing meowing

↓

All right, here you go.

↓

All right, we'll start with your photos.

photos start

↓

We'll lose this one of you pointing

lose pointing

↓

at a grand opening banner at a Jersey Mike's.

banner grand jersey mikes opening

↓

We'll also lose this one of you lying with your mother in her hospice bed.

lose lying mother

↓

Doesn't exactly bring all the boys to the yard.

boys bring yard

↓

-[cats meowing] -[♪ suspenseful music playing]

cats cats-meowing meowing music music-playing playing suspenseful suspenseful-music suspenseful-music-playing

↓

This one of you at the beach is decent.

beach decent

↓

I mean, we'd have to airbrush out the knee dimples, but this could work.

knee

↓

Let me see if I...

↓

And knee dimples be gone!

gone knee

↓

[cats meowing]

cats cats-meowing meowing

↓

[twinkling chime]

chime

↓

-[chimes] -Oh. [chuckles]

chimes chuckles

↓

-A match. -What?

match

↓

Let me see that.

↓

A Jewish urologist?

jewish urologist

↓

Oh, I love that for you.

love

↓

Let's look at his profile.

profile

↓

Okay, he's taken a selfie on a bus.

selfie taken

↓

On a public bus.

public

↓

Let's, um...

↓

Let's keep looking here.

looking

↓

[♪ stately instrumental music playing]

instrumental instrumental-music instrumental-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

And I quote, "We are all in this together, no matter what."

matter quote

↓

That is why my clients deserve their share of the profits, Your Honor.

clients deserve honor profits share

↓

Thank you, Mr. Baker.

baker

↓

Okay, we'll now hear from Mr. Griffin's representative Chris Griffin,

chris chris-griffin griffin griffins representative

↓

who prepared for this by binge-watching Suits

prepared suits watching

↓

and then googling Meghan Markle,

googling meghan

↓

and then googling Meghan Markle deepfakes.

googling meghan

↓

[clears throat] Thank you. Your Boner.

boner clears clears-throat throat

↓

If I may direct your attention to exhibits B through M,

attention direct

↓

all items removed from my father's anus in only the last 24 hours.

anus fathers hours items removed

↓

Would the Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire

brown quagmire swanson

↓

also lay claim to this Michelob ULTRA key fob?

claim ultra

↓

Would Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire

brown quagmire swanson

↓

feel justified taking home this highlighter cap?

home justified

↓

I submit that Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire

brown quagmire submit swanson

↓

are nothing more than unprincipled opportunists.

↓

Poop swoopers, as it were.

poop

↓

I've heard more than enough. Case over.

case heard

↓

Over? Who won?

↓

Uh, I don't know. Him?

↓

-[gasps] In your face. -You've got to be kidding me.

face gasps kidding

↓

Yeah, that's not fair!

fair

↓

Maybe we'll win on appeal like Cosby.

appeal cosby

↓

Excuse me. I work for Christie's auction house,

auction excuse house

↓

and we'd love to fetch you top dollar for that G.I. Joe.

dollar fetch love

↓

Wow. The Christie's auction house?

auction house

↓

No, it's actually Chris Christie's auction house.

auction chris house

↓

We specialize in items that were swallowed by fat guys.

items swallowed

↓

We actually have an auction tomorrow

auction tomorrow

↓

we could add you to.

↓

Get there early though.

early

↓

We're starting with movie props

movie props starting

↓

swallowed by James Spader.

james swallowed

↓

Oh, James Spader is so handsome.

handsome james

↓

Yes. For a half hour in the late 80s,

half half-hour hour late

↓

he very much was.

↓

All right, Stewie, this is it.

stewie

↓

We open the cage, let the new Meower West in, and we're out of here.

cage open west

↓

Goddamn it!

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

-[♪ suspenseful music playing] -[Brian growls]

brian growls music music-playing playing suspenseful suspenseful-music suspenseful-music-playing

↓

[cat shrieking and crying]

crying shrieking

↓

[dramatic music playing]

dramatic dramatic-music dramatic-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

Oh, Mayor West, good news.

mayor news west

↓

I think we found your missing cat.

found missing

↓

It-It may have had a heart attack

attack heart heart-attack

↓

from the excitement of this reunion.

excitement reunion

↓

Well, I only have one question.

question

↓

If that's my cat,

↓

who's sitting over there on my couch?

couch sitting

↓

[dramatic music playing]

dramatic dramatic-music dramatic-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

Well, Brian, I think the only thing to do now is "go bag!"

brian

↓

I don't understand, but how...

↓

A short-haired, tattooed woman from the shelter found him

found haired shelter short tattooed woman

↓

in a dumpster left for dead.

dead dumpster left

↓

Said she saw a dog and a little fella putting him in there.

fella putting

↓

I'm so sorry, Mayor West.

mayor west

↓

I acted on instinct. I'm just glad he's not dead.

acted dead glad instinct

↓

I teach all my cats to play possum,

cats possum teach

↓

and I teach all my possums to play horse,

horse teach

↓

and I teach all my horses to play cat.

horses teach

↓

Circle of life.

circle life

↓

[cat meowing]

meowing

↓

Did you teach that one, too?

teach

↓

He may have seen my online course. I don't know.

course online seen

↓

Now, for your punishment.

punishment

↓

Oh, no. I hate measured consequences to my actions.

actions consequences hate

↓

Six "bad boys" with "very bad boys" sprinkled in, to taste.

boys taste

↓

Six? That's a death sentence.

death death-sentence sentence

↓

-Bad boy! -Ow!

↓

-Bad boy! -I can't breathe!

breathe

↓

-Very bad boy! -That's worse

worse

↓

-Bad boy! -I'm low to the ground.

ground

↓

-Bad boy! -I can't get any lower.

lower

↓

Very bad boy!

↓

Oh, the shame!

shame

↓

Eight hundred. Do I hear 900

eight hundred

↓

for the beard Kevin Smith sleep-ate off his own face?

beard face kevin sleep smith

↓

Going once, going twice.

twice

↓

-[bangs gavel] -Sold for $800 to Kevin Smith,

bangs gavel kevin smith sold

↓

who used to be fat and now looks like he was shrunken by a witch's spell!

spell used

↓

[all clapping]

clapping

↓

Next on the auction block,

auction block

↓

a vintage Scout G.I. Joe with binoculars

binoculars scout vintage

↓

removed from the colon of Peter Griffin.

colon griffin peter peter-griffin removed

↓

[glittery chime]

chime

↓

[all gasp]

gasp

↓

Ah! This is it, Peter.

peter

↓

Yeah, we're gonna be rich.

rich

↓

We'll start the bidding at $75,000.

bidding start

↓

-[bidder 1] Seventy-five! -Seventy-five! Do I hear 80?

bidder five

↓

-[bidder 2] Eighty! -it's happening, Peter!

bidder eighty peter

↓

Eighty thousand!

eighty thousand

↓

We can get Meg one year at Sarah Lawrence

lawrence sarah

↓

excluding the food program!

food program

↓

[♪ melancholy music playing]

melancholy melancholy-music melancholy-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

-[bidder 3] Ninety-thousand! -Ninety! Do I hear a hundred?

bidder hundred ninety thousand

↓

[bidder 1] A hundred thousand!

bidder hundred thousand

↓

Whoo!

whoo

↓

[♪ pop rock music playing, Natalie Imbruglia "Torn"]

music music-playing playing rock rock-music rock-music-playing torn

↓

♪ ...I'm all out of faith ♪

faith

↓

♪ This is how I feel ♪

↓

♪ I'm cold and I am shamed ♪

cold

↓

♪ Lying naked on the floor... ♪

floor lying naked

↓

[auctioneer] One hundred thousand dollars,

dollars hundred thousand thousand-dollars

↓

going once, going twice...

twice

↓

Stop the auction!

auction

↓

Peter, what the hell are you doing?

peter

↓

[swallows, gurgling]

gurgling swallows

↓

-What is he doing? -Saving three friendships.

friendships saving three

↓

My name is Peter Griffin,

griffin name peter peter-griffin

↓

and I've realized that no amount of money

amount money realized

↓

is worth more than great friendships.

friendships worth

↓

I guess what I'm saying is,

↓

life isn't about the contents of your butt,

butt contents life

↓

it's about the contents of your heart.

contents heart

↓

I love you guys!

love

↓

[♪ melancholy music playing]

melancholy melancholy-music melancholy-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

-I'm sorry, Lois. I-- -No.

lois

↓

I'm the one who's sorry.

↓

No amount of money can buy the kind of friendship you guys have.

amount friendship money

↓

Although, you could have just taken the money and split it four ways.

four money split taken ways

↓

But you made the right decision, Peter,

decision peter

↓

and I'm proud of you.

proud

↓

[all applauding]

applauding

↓

[Peter] But this story had an even happier ending,

ending happier peter story

↓

because 39 years later, the guys were all dead,

dead years

↓

and I pooped that Joe out again

pooped

↓

and I became the oldest freshman at Sarah Lawrence College.

became college freshman lawrence oldest sarah

↓

Lois gave me a hall pass,

hall lois pass

↓

but I failed to achieve arousal

achieve arousal failed

↓

when a maybe-woman touched my slacks.

touched woman

↓

I'm sorry we almost let that toy ruin our friendship, Peter.

friendship peter ruin

↓

We won't make the same mistake next time.

mistake

↓

Yeah, we're due for our next colonoscopies in five years.

five five-years years

↓

Maybe we should book that same cabin.

book cabin

↓

Eh, not sure that's gonna be possible.

possible

↓

The guy was pretty mad.

↓

Made me send my own cleaning lady.

cleaning cleaning-lady lady send

↓

[squeaking]

squeaking

↓

[cleaning lady] Oh, no, no, no, no.

cleaning cleaning-lady lady

↓

House no good.

house