Home » Family Guy » S24E12 — Lower G I Joe

Family Guy

Season 24, Episode 12 — Lower G I Joe

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

#1

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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

#2

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♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

#3

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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

#4

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

#5

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♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

#6

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

#7

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♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

#8

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[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

#9

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My apologies, Mr. Griffin.

#10

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Dr. Hartman is still with a patient,

#11

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and definitely not playing Rock Band

#12

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through the paper-thin walls of his office right now.

#13

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-[objects clattering] -[Dr. Hartman singing] ♪ Well, I'm here ♪

#14

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♪ To remind you of the mess... ♪

#15

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Watch out for the plug! Watch out for the plug!

#16

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-[clicks] -Aw, you dope.

#17

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-[door opens] -[footsteps approaching]

#18

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Sorry. I was with a very sick patient.

#19

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You're still wearing the guitar.

#20

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Oops. My bad.

#21

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Let's, uh, keep that off the Yelp, huh?

#22

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So you're here for a physical.

#23

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I'll start with a few questions.

#24

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How many drinks would you say you have per week?

#25

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-Four. -Oh.

#26

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-Hundred. -Oh.

#27

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-Fifty. -Okay. You need to talk faster.

#28

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Now, I'm going to show you a list of the Top Ten songs on Spotify.

#29

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Tell me how many of these artists or songs you recognize.

#30

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None. Oh, oh, wait. Oh, no, I know her.

#31

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Uh, Dua... Dua... Duo Lingo!

#32

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Not sure we can accept that.

#33

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Let's go to the Gen Z judge

#34

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who's always sad about stuff he just saw on social media.

#35

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Do you even realize how much water it takes to grow a single almond?

#36

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Well, he's busy being sad about almonds.

#37

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However, I can say that given your age, and embarrassing

#38

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lack of pop culture knowledge, it's time I schedule you for your first colonoscopy.

#39

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-What the hell is that? -Here's a video of a plumber

#40

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from Southie describing the whole thing.

#41

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So they snake this freaking camera in your caboose.

#42

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Look, I know it sounds gay, but it ain't.

#43

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It's a real medical procedure. It's not gay.

#44

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-[man] You ever had one? -Nah. What am I, gay?

#45

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-What's all that stuff? -Oh, just some forms.

#46

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We're going on a field trip to the animal shelter,

#47

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and I need Mom to chaperone.

#48

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You need a chaperone for a trip to the animal shelter,

#49

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-and you're not asking me? -Why?

#50

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So you can taunt all the German Shepherds behind bars?

#51

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[scoffs] I wouldn't do that.

#52

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Yeah? Then why is your tail wagging?

#53

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Damn. Look, all I'm saying is

#54

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I could provide hope to those dogs in there

#55

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who've given up by telling them my story.

#56

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A story of inspiration,

#57

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a story of will, a story of triumph.

#58

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You were picked up on the side of the road like a runaway hooker.

#59

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A story of doing hand stuff for drugs.

#60

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I've been putting off my colonoscopy for months now.

#61

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Yep. My barber said I'm overdue for mine.

#62

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-You mean your doctor? -Nope. Barber.

#63

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Black guys get their medical advice from their barbers,

#64

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and their haircut advice from their doctors.

#65

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We're all just one guy off.

#66

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Boy, what happened to the days when men just ignored

#67

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months of bloody toilet water and slowly withered away

#68

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to die a costly and unnecessary death?

#69

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You know, maybe the reason we've been putting this off

#70

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is because, deep down, we're scared.

#71

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And maybe we'll feel better if we just talk about what we're scared of.

#72

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All right, I'll go first. I'm mostly scared of someone

#73

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seeing my gigantic butt and tiny wiener.

#74

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That's what I'm scared of, too!

#75

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What if there was a way to make the colonoscopy process less scary?

#76

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Like, what if we rented a cabin

#77

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and did the prep night together,

#78

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so we could be there to support one another?

#79

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Huh, that-that would make it easier.

#80

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-I'd do it. -I'd be into that.

#81

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Great. Cleveland.

#82

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Yep. D'Vante said it's cool.

#83

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-I'm assuming D'Vante is... -D'Vante is my barber. Yes.

#84

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Hi, kids. I'm Sophie.

#85

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Welcome to the animal shelter,

#86

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where the pit bull to lesbian volunteer ratio is always one to one.

#87

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-So let's meet-- -Hi, Sophie.

#88

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Brian Griffin. Dog who's also pretty much a guy.

#89

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I'll take it from here.

#90

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Fellow canines, my name is Brian Griffin.

#91

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And before I tell you my story, I want to hear yours.

#92

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Now, how many of you were returned by Lena Dunham or Ellen DeGeneres?

#93

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[dogs barking in acceptance]

#94

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Well, I'm here to say that no matter how pathetic that bitch Sarah McLachlan

#95

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is making you all look in those commercials,

#96

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there is hope and I am living proof of that.

#97

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Everyone moved on to the cat section

#98

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three seconds into whatever that was.

#99

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Wait, they have cats here?

#100

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Oh, I will not be around cats.

#101

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It's an animal shelter. They've got everything.

#102

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They even have Diddy's pit bull.

#103

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Just let me outside. I'll play in the yard.

#104

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I won't look, I won't tell nobody nothing.

#105

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[cats meowing]

#106

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Come on, Brian, even you have to admit these guys are pretty cute.

#107

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No! Cats are terrible, selfish creatures.

#108

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I mean, who poops inside?

#109

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Oh, my God! Get it off, get it off, get it off! [barking]

#110

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[cat whimpering]

#111

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-[purring] -Huh.

#112

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I guess that is kind of cute.

#113

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You know, maybe I was wrong about cats.

#114

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Okay, kids,

#115

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it's time to see where we keep all the Rob Schneiders.

#116

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Boy, everyone thinks they're ready for a Rob Schneider

#117

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until they get one home.

#118

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Come on, Brian, we gotta go.

#119

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Right, let me just take this guy off my...

#120

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-[hissing] -[♪ suspenseful music playing]

#121

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-[Brian barking] -[hissing]

#122

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[cat shrieking and crying]

#123

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What are you doing? You're going to kill him! Drop it! Drop it now!

#124

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[Brian continues growling]

#125

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[snaps]

#126

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What happened? I blacked out!

#127

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You killed a kitten, you monster!

#128

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I told you it was a bad idea for me to be in here.

#129

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Oh, we're going to be in so much trouble.

#130

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Listen, we can't just leave the dead kitten in here.

#131

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Okay, let me think. There's gotta be a dumpster out back.

#132

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We could put it in there.

#133

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I don't think we have another choice.

#134

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You could always cover yourself in drugged baby oil

#135

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and wake up back at home.

#136

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I thought you said you were gonna keep your mouth shut.

#137

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Okay, our colonoscopies are tomorrow morning.

#138

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So, I'm gonna go mix up some tasty colonoscopy prep cocktails.

#139

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I made a killer diarrhea playlist.

#140

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Boy, you guys are gonna lose it when we're five hours in

#141

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and Natalie Imbruglia's Torn comes on.

#142

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You got Diana Ross' I'm Coming Out on there?

#143

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This isn't my first diarrhea playlist, okay, pal?

#144

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Gentlemen, say hello to my signature colonoscopy prep cocktails.

#145

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Joe, here's your "Bum and Coke"

#146

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Peter, you get a "Pina Colon-ada."

#147

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And Cleveland gets a "Gin and Deuce."

#148

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[imitating Snoop Dogg] Laid back.

#149

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And I made myself a "Coilermaker."

#150

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Bottoms up. And then in 45 minutes,

#151

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bottoms very much down.

#152

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-[stomachs gurgling] -[all] Oh, my God!

#153

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Now, I assume that a single room cabin in the woods has four bathrooms?

#154

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Well, technically it has one three-quarter bath.

#155

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-So there's not even a tub? -I call the shower!

#156

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Why wouldn't you call the toilet first?

#157

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I don't have time to argue.

#158

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-I'll be in the shower! -I call the toilet. [farts]

#159

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I'm bagged and ready to go 24/7.

#160

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Fine! I'll figure it out. [farts]

#161

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[Peter] Whose blue luggage is this?

#162

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[Glenn] Peter, no! That's my Away brand luggage.

#163

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I get compliments on that.

#164

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You guys look high as balls.

#165

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Anyway, time for your results.

#166

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Mr. Quagmire, Mr. Swanson, and Mr. Brown, you're all clear.

#167

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Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid we found something quite large.

#168

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-Was it my penis? -It was definitely

#169

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not your penis.

#170

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Although, your butt is gigantic.

#171

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What we found was this.

#172

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[♪ ethereal music playing]

#173

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Oh, my God, my childhood G.I. Joe.

#174

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-That was inside his colon? -Yep.

#175

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I'm afraid this soldier was literally left behind.

#176

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Not to be that guy, but this Joe came with a pair of binoculars.

#177

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He-He was kind of like the scout.

#178

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Did you happen to see anything like that?

#179

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Oh! Never mind. I think they just came out of the mess hall.

#180

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Peter, how did that little guy even get in your colon?

#181

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I was a kid!

#182

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If you squish anything into Wonder Bread, it goes down soft.

#183

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You ate a G.I. Joe?

#184

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Oh. Ar-Are we gonna play this game, Quagmire?

#185

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Are we gonna play the "How did objects get inside of you" game?

#186

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Withdrawn.

#187

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Um, I just looked up vintage 1980s G.I. Joe scout with binoculars

#188

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and it says it's worth $100,000!

#189

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-What? -Oh, wow.

#190

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Let me see that.

#191

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[♪ dramatic music playing]

#192

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Holy crap, it does say that.

#193

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Wait, I'm in your phone as "White Number Three?"

#194

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-What am I listed as in your phone? -Withdrawn.

#195

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I still can't believe I snapped and killed that kitten.

#196

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You don't think that shelter has cameras, do you?

#197

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There was one water bowl for 40 dogs. I don't think they have money for cameras.

#198

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As long as neither of us talks, I guess we'll be fine.

#199

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Yes. As long as I don't talk,

#200

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-we'll be fine. -What's that supposed to mean?

#201

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I'm just saying my silence comes at a price.

#202

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And that price is the cost of an annual membership at the Soho House Malibu.

#203

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What? That's the most expensive Soho House.

#204

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Fine. Then I want front row seats to Paris Fashion Week.

#205

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And I refuse to sit next to any of the Hadids.

#206

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I will get you a sticker book of Bluey.

#207

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You, sir, have my silence.

#208

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Peter, would you mind moving that thing from your butt,

#209

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away from the onion rings we're all eating?

#210

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Sorry. So, what do you guys think I should do

#211

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with the 100 grand I'll make from selling this thing?

#212

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What do you mean? We're splitting it.

#213

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Yeah, we each get a share of that.

#214

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I never said I'd split it. He was inside me.

#215

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I was the one who spent decades carrying him to term.

#216

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You wouldn't even have gotten a colonoscopy if it wasn't for us.

#217

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I'm not giving you guys my money!

#218

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We can't let him get away with this!

#219

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I agree with "White Number Two."

#220

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Hey, check it out. Mayor West is doing press conferences on TikTok now.

#221

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Howdy, TikTok. I'm Mayor Wild West,

#222

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here today with a hat over my heart press conference.

#223

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See, my sweet feline companion Meower West has gone missing.

#224

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[♪ mysterious music playing]

#225

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I was contacted by the shelter and told he had wandered into their facility.

#226

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But when I went to pick him up, he was gone.

#227

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Possibly kidnapped.

#228

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Well, when I find out who took him,

#229

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I will personally pursue the harshest punishment allowed by law.

#230

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Thank you, TikTok.

#231

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Now, enjoy the vicious comments

#232

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on the post of an overweight girl who's clearly struggling.

#233

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So AMC made me buy two seats for Wicked.

#234

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[♪ amusing instrumental music playing]

#235

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Oh, my God.

#236

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I killed Mayor Wild West's cat.

#237

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Oh, this is bad, Brian. Very bad.

#238

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You've got to get out of town.

#239

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Luckily, I've got a "go bag," so I can leave at a moment's notice.

#240

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Here, you take it.

#241

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-What's this? -Oh, that's a European adapter

#242

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for my Conair hair dryer.

#243

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[chuckles] I think-I think you're gonna need that.

#244

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Four pairs of boots?

#245

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I don't know who's gonna see me twice!

#246

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You know, I can't believe you would let something like a toy

#247

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get in the way of your friendship with the guys, Peter.

#248

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So? You didn't talk to Bonnie for two years

#249

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after she got the same haircut as you.

#250

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Well, that's different. Bonnie's a bitch.

#251

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I'm just saying think of all the great times you've had with the guys.

#252

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And you're gonna give it up for what? 40, 50 bucks?

#253

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Fifty bucks? Lois. This thing's worth $100,000.

#254

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Wow. Dad's right. I just googled it.

#255

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What? Let me see that.

#256

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Oh, my God, Peter.

#257

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We're gonna be rich!

#258

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Okay, forget everything I just said.

#259

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Screw those guys. Your butt stuff belongs to us.

#260

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-[doorbell rings] -I'll get it.

#261

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Excuse me. Are you Peter Griffin?

#262

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-Yeah. -You've been served.

#263

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Those bastards are actually suing me

#264

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for their share of the G.I. Joe.

#265

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Excuse me, are you Andrew McCormick?

#266

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-Yes. -I'm here to serve you.

#267

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Wait. I just served him.

#268

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Get out of here. You're lying.

#269

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No, I swear to God. Sir, what did I just do?

#270

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-He served me. -Hey,

#271

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I'm just gonna go out on a limb here,

#272

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but are you ambisexual?

#273

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-I am. -Would you like to have a drink

#274

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and see if we can rub our way to a little jean smoke?

#275

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Love to.

#276

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I guess it's true what they say.

#277

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"Every pot has a lid."

#278

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Boy, they fogged up that Altima real quick.

#279

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Uh, what's going on?

#280

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Your father got a letter saying his friends are taking him to court.

#281

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Yeah, I read that letter.

#282

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They're taking him to arbitration, not court.

#283

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-What? Really? -Yeah.

#284

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And if you need representation, I'm happy to offer my services.

#285

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I've spent months studying anal salvage law.

#286

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You... You have?

#287

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It started out as a fun personal project,

#288

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but then I kind of fell down an internet rabbit hole.

#289

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But this whole thing only happened a couple of days ago.

#290

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Well, that's what we would call

#291

⇓

a happy coincidence now, isn't it?

#292

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Okay, Stewie. Run me through the plan one more time.

#293

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All right. Well, no one has more cats in town than the librarian.

#294

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So there's a very good chance she'll have a Meow West lookalike inside.

#295

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So I'll distract her here at the front door.

#296

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You sneak in through the back and find us a replacement cat.

#297

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I don't know. Me in another room full of cats seems risky.

#298

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Oh, that's the risky part? Not the high-wire improvisational act

#299

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I'm about to pull off with the librarian?

#300

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No, I suppose that's the easy part, right?

#301

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Do I need to remind you I'm on the improv theater's

#302

⇓

house team, Brian?

#303

⇓

We had to kick Brad off, by the way.

#304

⇓

He did the Chinese voice on stage again.

#305

⇓

Ugh, whatever. I just want this whole thing to be over already.

#306

⇓

[doorbell rings]

#307

⇓

Hello, I'm an online dating expert,

#308

⇓

and I'm giving one lucky person

#309

⇓

a free Bumble profile makeover.

#310

⇓

May I ask how your dating life is going?

#311

⇓

Oh. [chuckles] Let's just say

#312

⇓

my dating life's quieter than the place I work.

#313

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I work in a library.

#314

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No. Yeah, I'm aware.

#315

⇓

Let's have a look at your profile, shall we?

#316

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-Oh, sure. Let me just log in. -[clicking]

#317

⇓

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

#318

⇓

[cats meowing]

#319

⇓

All right, here you go.

#320

⇓

All right, we'll start with your photos.

#321

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We'll lose this one of you pointing

#322

⇓

at a grand opening banner at a Jersey Mike's.

#323

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We'll also lose this one of you lying with your mother in her hospice bed.

#324

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Doesn't exactly bring all the boys to the yard.

#325

⇓

-[cats meowing] -[♪ suspenseful music playing]

#326

⇓

This one of you at the beach is decent.

#327

⇓

I mean, we'd have to airbrush out the knee dimples, but this could work.

#328

⇓

Let me see if I...

#329

⇓

And knee dimples be gone!

#330

⇓

[cats meowing]

#331

⇓

[twinkling chime]

#332

⇓

-[chimes] -Oh. [chuckles]

#333

⇓

-A match. -What?

#334

⇓

Let me see that.

#335

⇓

A Jewish urologist?

#336

⇓

Oh, I love that for you.

#337

⇓

Let's look at his profile.

#338

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Okay, he's taken a selfie on a bus.

#339

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On a public bus.

#340

⇓

Let's, um...

#341

⇓

Let's keep looking here.

#342

⇓

[♪ stately instrumental music playing]

#343

⇓

And I quote, "We are all in this together, no matter what."

#344

⇓

That is why my clients deserve their share of the profits, Your Honor.

#345

⇓

Thank you, Mr. Baker.

#346

⇓

Okay, we'll now hear from Mr. Griffin's representative Chris Griffin,

#347

⇓

who prepared for this by binge-watching Suits

#348

⇓

and then googling Meghan Markle,

#349

⇓

and then googling Meghan Markle deepfakes.

#350

⇓

[clears throat] Thank you. Your Boner.

#351

⇓

If I may direct your attention to exhibits B through M,

#352

⇓

all items removed from my father's anus in only the last 24 hours.

#353

⇓

Would the Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire

#354

⇓

also lay claim to this Michelob ULTRA key fob?

#355

⇓

Would Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire

#356

⇓

feel justified taking home this highlighter cap?

#357

⇓

I submit that Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire

#358

⇓

are nothing more than unprincipled opportunists.

#359

⇓

Poop swoopers, as it were.

#360

⇓

I've heard more than enough. Case over.

#361

⇓

Over? Who won?

#362

⇓

Uh, I don't know. Him?

#363

⇓

-[gasps] In your face. -You've got to be kidding me.

#364

⇓

Yeah, that's not fair!

#365

⇓

Maybe we'll win on appeal like Cosby.

#366

⇓

Excuse me. I work for Christie's auction house,

#367

⇓

and we'd love to fetch you top dollar for that G.I. Joe.

#368

⇓

Wow. The Christie's auction house?

#369

⇓

No, it's actually Chris Christie's auction house.

#370

⇓

We specialize in items that were swallowed by fat guys.

#371

⇓

We actually have an auction tomorrow

#372

⇓

we could add you to.

#373

⇓

Get there early though.

#374

⇓

We're starting with movie props

#375

⇓

swallowed by James Spader.

#376

⇓

Oh, James Spader is so handsome.

#377

⇓

Yes. For a half hour in the late 80s,

#378

⇓

he very much was.

#379

⇓

All right, Stewie, this is it.

#380

⇓

We open the cage, let the new Meower West in, and we're out of here.

#381

⇓

Goddamn it!

#382

⇓

-[♪ suspenseful music playing] -[Brian growls]

#383

⇓

[cat shrieking and crying]

#384

⇓

[dramatic music playing]

#385

⇓

Oh, Mayor West, good news.

#386

⇓

I think we found your missing cat.

#387

⇓

It-It may have had a heart attack

#388

⇓

from the excitement of this reunion.

#389

⇓

Well, I only have one question.

#390

⇓

If that's my cat,

#391

⇓

who's sitting over there on my couch?

#392

⇓

[dramatic music playing]

#393

⇓

Well, Brian, I think the only thing to do now is "go bag!"

#394

⇓

I don't understand, but how...

#395

⇓

A short-haired, tattooed woman from the shelter found him

#396

⇓

in a dumpster left for dead.

#397

⇓

Said she saw a dog and a little fella putting him in there.

#398

⇓

I'm so sorry, Mayor West.

#399

⇓

I acted on instinct. I'm just glad he's not dead.

#400

⇓

I teach all my cats to play possum,

#401

⇓

and I teach all my possums to play horse,

#402

⇓

and I teach all my horses to play cat.

#403

⇓

Circle of life.

#404

⇓

[cat meowing]

#405

⇓

Did you teach that one, too?

#406

⇓

He may have seen my online course. I don't know.

#407

⇓

Now, for your punishment.

#408

⇓

Oh, no. I hate measured consequences to my actions.

#409

⇓

Six "bad boys" with "very bad boys" sprinkled in, to taste.

#410

⇓

Six? That's a death sentence.

#411

⇓

-Bad boy! -Ow!

#412

⇓

-Bad boy! -I can't breathe!

#413

⇓

-Very bad boy! -That's worse

#414

⇓

-Bad boy! -I'm low to the ground.

#415

⇓

-Bad boy! -I can't get any lower.

#416

⇓

Very bad boy!

#417

⇓

Oh, the shame!

#418

⇓

Eight hundred. Do I hear 900

#419

⇓

for the beard Kevin Smith sleep-ate off his own face?

#420

⇓

Going once, going twice.

#421

⇓

-[bangs gavel] -Sold for $800 to Kevin Smith,

#422

⇓

who used to be fat and now looks like he was shrunken by a witch's spell!

#423

⇓

[all clapping]

#424

⇓

Next on the auction block,

#425

⇓

a vintage Scout G.I. Joe with binoculars

#426

⇓

removed from the colon of Peter Griffin.

#427

⇓

[glittery chime]

#428

⇓

[all gasp]

#429

⇓

Ah! This is it, Peter.

#430

⇓

Yeah, we're gonna be rich.

#431

⇓

We'll start the bidding at $75,000.

#432

⇓

-[bidder 1] Seventy-five! -Seventy-five! Do I hear 80?

#433

⇓

-[bidder 2] Eighty! -it's happening, Peter!

#434

⇓

Eighty thousand!

#435

⇓

We can get Meg one year at Sarah Lawrence

#436

⇓

excluding the food program!

#437

⇓

[♪ melancholy music playing]

#438

⇓

-[bidder 3] Ninety-thousand! -Ninety! Do I hear a hundred?

#439

⇓

[bidder 1] A hundred thousand!

#440

⇓

Whoo!

#441

⇓

[♪ pop rock music playing, Natalie Imbruglia "Torn"]

#442

⇓

♪ ...I'm all out of faith ♪

#443

⇓

♪ This is how I feel ♪

#444

⇓

♪ I'm cold and I am shamed ♪

#445

⇓

♪ Lying naked on the floor... ♪

#446

⇓

[auctioneer] One hundred thousand dollars,

#447

⇓

going once, going twice...

#448

⇓

Stop the auction!

#449

⇓

Peter, what the hell are you doing?

#450

⇓

[swallows, gurgling]

#451

⇓

-What is he doing? -Saving three friendships.

#452

⇓

My name is Peter Griffin,

#453

⇓

and I've realized that no amount of money

#454

⇓

is worth more than great friendships.

#455

⇓

I guess what I'm saying is,

#456

⇓

life isn't about the contents of your butt,

#457

⇓

it's about the contents of your heart.

#458

⇓

I love you guys!

#459

⇓

[♪ melancholy music playing]

#460

⇓

-I'm sorry, Lois. I-- -No.

#461

⇓

I'm the one who's sorry.

#462

⇓

No amount of money can buy the kind of friendship you guys have.

#463

⇓

Although, you could have just taken the money and split it four ways.

#464

⇓

But you made the right decision, Peter,

#465

⇓

and I'm proud of you.

#466

⇓

[all applauding]

#467

⇓

[Peter] But this story had an even happier ending,

#468

⇓

because 39 years later, the guys were all dead,

#469

⇓

and I pooped that Joe out again

#470

⇓

and I became the oldest freshman at Sarah Lawrence College.

#471

⇓

Lois gave me a hall pass,

#472

⇓

but I failed to achieve arousal

#473

⇓

when a maybe-woman touched my slacks.

#474

⇓

I'm sorry we almost let that toy ruin our friendship, Peter.

#475

⇓

We won't make the same mistake next time.

#476

⇓

Yeah, we're due for our next colonoscopies in five years.

#477

⇓

Maybe we should book that same cabin.

#478

⇓

Eh, not sure that's gonna be possible.

#479

⇓

The guy was pretty mad.

#480

⇓

Made me send my own cleaning lady.

#481

⇓

[squeaking]

#482

⇓

[cleaning lady] Oh, no, no, no, no.

#483

⇓

House no good.

#484

⇓