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Home » Family Guy » S24E13 — Friend's Best Man

Family Guy

Season 24, Episode 13 — Friend's Best Man

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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

seems seems-today today

↓

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

movies violence

↓

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

fashioned fashioned-values values

↓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

rely used

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

family lucky

↓

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

lucky positively

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

↓

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

laugh

↓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

family

↓

You read People? What a stupid magazine.

magazine read stupid

↓

"Snoopy: Fit and Fabulous at 75."

fabulous

↓

Ugh. Blake Lively just filed another suit in Prince Edward Island.

another blake edward filed island lively prince suit

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How many places is she gonna sue that guy?

places

↓

You know, honestly, I still don't understand

↓

who Justin Baldoni is, where he came from, or where he's going.

justin

↓

Yeah, he just appeared out of nowhere.

appeared

↓

Are we sure he's not AI or something?

↓

Well, whoever he is, I hope Ryan Reynolds gives him a good bop on the beezer.

gives hope reynolds ryan

↓

[sighs]

sighs

↓

That's what I need. A Ryan Reynolds.

reynolds ryan

↓

What are you talking about?

↓

I'm a single, unwed baby.

baby single

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I'm in the prime of my life right now, Bri.

life prime

↓

I've got a steady allowance, I love to time travel,

allowance love steady travel

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I'm potty-trained. And here I am, no ring on my finger.

finger potty ring trained

↓

Stewie, you are way too young to even be thinking about getting married.

married stewie thinking young

↓

Where is this coming from?

coming

↓

I just don't want to end up old and alone like Bill Clinton.

alone bill clinton

↓

Hey, Hilary, I realize there's no attraction here,

attraction realize

↓

but could you at least not wear my pants?

least pants wear

↓

It's so nice to have the kids out of the house.

house kids

↓

I think the school is gonna be locked down for a few more hours

hours locked school

↓

till they get the shooter.

shooter till

↓

Aw, we should do these home date nights more often.

date home nights often

↓

Or we could go to PetSmart and look at turtles?

turtles

↓

Hey, can I get a bite of your single piece of wilting lettuce?

bite lettuce piece single

↓

[laughs sarcastically] Perfect. This is why I asked you before I ordered.

asked laughs ordered perfect

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Maybe it's the two-dollar wine that's mostly chemicals,

chemicals dollar mostly wine

↓

but I have a crazy idea to spice things up.

crazy crazy-idea idea spice

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On three,

three

↓

you tell me one thing you've always wanted to do

wanted

↓

and I'll tell you one thing I've always wanted to do.

wanted

↓

I like that, I can count to three.

count three

↓

Okay. On three. [chuckles]

chuckles three

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[both] One, two...

↓

-Crumbled Pringles on pizza. -Make a sex tape!

pizza tape

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-I mean, sex tape. -Okay, let's do it!

tape

↓

-[Lois groaning on TV] -[Peter sneezing and coughing on TV]

coughing groaning lois peter sneezing

↓

Huh. Lot more coughing and sneezing than I remember.

coughing remember sneezing

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And you're positive this isn't that tape that kills you

kills positive tape

↓

if you watch it in seven days?

days seven seven-days watch

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-Pretty sure. -[TV audio stops]

audio stops

↓

-Is it paused? -Unfortunately, no.

unfortunately

↓

Uh, we're just kinda in a lull.

kinda

↓

When you're on top of me, I can't move

↓

and then you fall asleep.

asleep fall fall-asleep

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[Peter snoring on TV]

peter snoring

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[Peter] I'm awake, I'm awake.

awake peter

↓

-[garbage truck beeping] -Ah, crap, I gotta put the bins out.

beeping bins garbage truck

↓

[Lois] Do you have to do that now?

lois

↓

-[Peter] I'll be right back. -[footsteps, door shuts]

door door-shuts footsteps peter shuts

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[garbage man] You can't put metal in there.

garbage metal

↓

Why don't we just fast forward?

fast fast-forward forward

↓

[video forwarding]

video

↓

[garbage man] Sir, your trash cans have to be three inches apart.

apart cans garbage inches three trash trash-cans

↓

We've had this conversation.

conversation

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[Peter] They are three inches apart. I can prove it right now.

apart inches peter prove three

↓

I think we should fast forward more.

fast fast-forward forward

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[TV announcer] We now return to The Banshees of Ed Sheeran.

announcer banshees return

↓

For every new song you release,

release song

↓

I'm gonna cut off one of me fingers.

fingers

↓

Well, break out those pinky shears

break pinky shears

↓

'cause here comes me new track.

comes track

↓

Weak-chinned Ginger Lover.

ginger lover weak

↓

Brrr. Is it cold in here?

brrr cold

↓

Or maybe it's me, 'cause I brought the ice.

brought

↓

Stewie, I'm a busy man.

busy stewie

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If you've got something to say, just say it.

↓

I guess you could say I'm no longer a single lady.

lady longer single

↓

Get it? Like, fiancée?

↓

Okay, what's going on?

↓

Rupert asked me to marry him and I said yes!

asked marry rupert

↓

-That's wonderful, Stewie. -Congrats.

congrats stewie

↓

Boy, I can't believe my little brother got engaged before me.

believe brother engaged

↓

Tick-tock, Chris, tick-tock.

chris tick

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I don't think the ring got quite enough attention.

attention ring

↓

Wow, that's a big rock.

rock

↓

Well, I asked for three carats or eight inches, and you don't get both.

asked eight inches three

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Hi, Brian. Sorry about the mess.

brian mess

↓

We're working on our invites.

invites working

↓

Mr. Thrifty over here wants to use Evite.

wants

↓

You're still doing this?

↓

Thought you would have moved on by now.

moved

↓

Moved on? This is a lifetime commitment, Brian.

brian commitment lifetime moved

↓

Well, I saw your registry, and I'm not buying you a $300 pasta maker.

buying maker pasta

↓

That's all right. The fettuccine attachment is the only real need.

attachment real

↓

Rupert likes a heartier noodle, if you catch my drift.

catch drift likes noodle rupert

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I don't want to.

↓

Oh, did you get the save the date card?

card date save

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No. And I don't know why anyone is entertaining any of this.

entertaining

↓

Oh, I get it. Brian is jealous.

brian jealous

↓

We're gonna hang out after I get married.

hang married

↓

First once a month, then once a year,

month

↓

then once we have kids, never again.

kids

↓

If I ended a speech with "Live from New York, it's Saturday night..."

ended live night saturday saturday-night speech york

↓

you'd get the reference, right?

reference

↓

Should I say "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night Live"?

live night saturday saturday-night york

↓

-Is that more clear? -Whatever this is for,

clear

↓

you should not.

↓

I'm working on my best man speech for Stewie's wedding.

best speech wedding working

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Oh. Well, this is awkward.

awkward

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Um, Stewie asked me to be the best man.

asked best stewie

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What? He did?

↓

Stewie wants you to be the ring bearer instead.

ring stewie wants

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He thinks it'll be very cute.

cute itll thinks

↓

Honestly, I don't think so. You're not very charismatic,

charismatic

↓

But I'm his best friend.

best best-friend friend

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Well, I guess not anymore.

anymore

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How are you gonna come up with a rousing best man speech?

best rousing speech

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You can barely read or write.

barely read write

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It's not my fault the school replaced the English department

department english fault replaced school

↓

with DoorDash training.

training

↓

How many fries can you take before it becomes noticeable?

becomes fries noticeable

↓

-Nine. -Good job, Chris.

chris nine

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And you read the delivery instructions?

delivery instructions read

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Absolutely not.

absolutely

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Now, repeat after me.

repeat

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"This is how they gave it to me."

↓

[students] This is how they gave it to me.

students

↓

I have a delivery for Mr. Anderson.

anderson delivery

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Where's my bun?

↓

This is how they gave it to me.

↓

Last year's valedictorian.

valedictorian years

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[crying]

crying

↓

This is why you do it, people.

↓

What's up with your face?

face

↓

Don't be alarmed. I'm doing a series of peels before the wedding.

alarmed series wedding

↓

Trust me, it's going to look gorg the day of.

trust

↓

So, for theme, are you thinking Rustic or Regency?

theme thinking

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No, no, my friend.

friend

↓

Nautical Cottagecore.

↓

Together? But they're completely different.

completely

↓

It's... it's never been done.

↓

You're crazy.

crazy

↓

Crazy like a...

crazy

↓

[blender whirring]

blender whirring

↓

Hey, bud, we're kind of in the middle of something.

middle

↓

[blender stops]

blender stops

↓

Stewie, I was thinking, given the limited size of the venue, we...

given limited size stewie thinking

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[bread scraping loudly]

bread loudly scraping

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...we should really talk about not giving plus-ones

giving ones plus

↓

to guests without significant others.

guests others significant

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How significant?

significant

↓

They should be dating for at least six months.

dating least months

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[crunches loudly]

crunches loudly

↓

What if it's a friends with benefits situation

benefits friends situation

↓

that could eventually turn into a real relationship?

eventually real relationship

↓

You must have a minimum of three grid posts together

grid minimum must posts three

↓

at the time of the wedding.

wedding

↓

No story, just grid.

grid story

↓

I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here steering the ship, Chris.

chris ship steering

↓

Well, I'm off to Casey's to get waxed.

waxed

↓

This peach has fuzzed for too long.

peach

↓

Oh, Brian, before I forget...

brian forget

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[cell phone dings]

cell cell-phone cell-phone-dings dings phone phone-dings

↓

This is a photo of Sabrina Carpenter's house.

house photo sabrina

↓

Sorry, that's a personal project.

personal project

↓

[cell phone dings]

cell cell-phone cell-phone-dings dings phone phone-dings

↓

Wait, this is just a list of wedding errands you want me to do.

errands list wedding

↓

Isn't that your job as best man?

best

↓

I'm very busy picking out the signature cocktail.

busy cocktail picking signature signature-cocktail

↓

I was thinking of a tropical based drink with a literary twist.

based drink literary thinking tropical twist

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I... I want to do that.

↓

Sorry, I already thought of L. Rum Hubbard and we're doing it.

↓

And I need you to pick up Stewie's fraternity brothers at the airport.

airport brothers fraternity pick

↓

-Fraternity brothers? -Here's their flight info.

brothers flight fraternity info

↓

[cell phone dings]

cell cell-phone cell-phone-dings dings phone phone-dings

↓

This is a video for how to break into someone's house,

break house someones video

↓

with a link to Sabrina Carpenter's address.

address link sabrina

↓

Oh, boy, my airdrop settings have been all over the place lately.

lately place settings

↓

Gotta see them night boobs. Mmm.

boobs night

↓

I can't believe how awful our sex tape was.

awful believe tape

↓

If... if I'm being honest, I guess I never really thought

honest

↓

about how long Peter's ass crack was.

crack peters

↓

Well, as an outside observer, it seems like it would be very long.

seems

↓

Making a sex tape is hard.

hard tape

↓

When we made ours, we had to recast Joe.

↓

Turns out, we just needed a Joe Swanson type.

needed swanson turns type

↓

-[airplane passing overhead] -Hold for plane.

airplane passing plane

↓

Hold for plane.

plane

↓

All right, Gatorades down,

↓

back on all fours in three, two, one.

fours three

↓

I once made a naughty librarian porn.

librarian naughty porn

↓

[chuckles] I spanked a guy with a book,

book chuckles spanked

↓

but I went too hard and I broke his anus. [laughs]

anus broke hard laughs

↓

A lot of people don't think there's bones down there, but they're there. [laughs]

bones laughs

↓

They're there.

↓

I don't have many close female friendships.

close female friendships

↓

So, how do you know the S-Man?

↓

Lambda Chi? Or Bank of America?

america bank

↓

As former frat guys, we all work at Bank of America now.

america bank former frat

↓

You get three percent back on all gasoline purchases

gasoline percent purchases three

↓

with the Freedom Flex reward card.

card freedom reward

↓

Brian, where do you do your checking?

brian checking

↓

I'm good with my bank.

bank

↓

What the hell are you guys talking about? Stewie didn't go to college.

college stewie

↓

Well, he didn't go to class, I'll tell you that much.

class

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

The Stewman is a total legend.

legend total

↓

One time he took a dump that got stuck and clogged up the whole house.

clogged dump house stuck whole whole-house

↓

For a year, I just went into a TaylorMade golf bag.

golf

↓

He banged my dad as a goof!

banged goof

↓

He did what now?

↓

Oh, he's always banging dads.

banging dads

↓

Total prankster.

total

↓

You'd hate to be an un-banged dad around that guy.

banged hate

↓

Total legend.

legend total

↓

The gang's all here.

gangs

↓

I thought you couldn't leave the state.

state

↓

Spirit Airlines never pressed charges.

airlines charges pressed spirit

↓

Sorry, Brian, I need you to run more errands.

brian errands

↓

Can you pick up some centerpieces for the bachelor party?

bachelor bachelor-party party pick

↓

They're all very phallus-shaped, so without being too blunt,

blunt shaped

↓

how many sexual aids can you hold at once?

aids sexual

↓

How big are the sexual aids?

aids sexual

↓

They're... they're substantial.

↓

[zipper unzips on TV]

zipper

↓

[woman] Oh, Mr. Bond. Mmm...

bond woman

↓

We should have watched Paul Blart.

paul watched

↓

Guaranteed zero sex scenes.

guaranteed scenes zero

↓

See, the bottoms of his feet aren't black.

black bottoms feet

↓

Well, I guess he didn't have an awesome afternoon

afternoon awesome

↓

burying Star Wars figurines in the garden.

burying garden star star-wars wars

↓

I'm going to bed.

↓

[TV stops playing]

playing stops

↓

Well, I'm going to ignore this uncomfortable situation

ignore situation uncomfortable

↓

by checking the weather in other cities.

checking cities weather

↓

Huh, it's gonna be 35 in DC.

↓

Wow. 40 in Denver though.

denver

↓

Fresno and Baltimore are the same temp? You don't see that a lot.

baltimore temp

↓

No... you... don't.

↓

[♪ up-tempo dance music playing]

dance dance-music dance-music-playing music music-playing playing tempo

↓

Finally I get to have some fun.

finally fun

↓

Oh, you're not coming.

coming

↓

And your job is to hold all our wallets

wallets

↓

and not give them to us, no matter how much we beg you.

matter

↓

-Give it to me! -I need my wallet, please!

wallet

↓

I promised Valentina I'd pay for her grad school.

grad promised school

↓

[♪ music continues playing]

continues continues-playing music music-continues playing

↓

Hey, weren't there three fraternity brothers?

brothers fraternity three

↓

Yeah, Crazy RJ put fentanyl in the strip club pasta

club crazy fentanyl pasta strip strip-club

↓

and Venkatesh died.

died

↓

I need you to build a wooden funeral boat.

boat build funeral wooden

↓

He beat cancer just to die like this. Crazy, man.

beat cancer crazy

↓

All right, let's get back to the strip club

club strip strip-club

↓

before they take our wings off the table.

table wings

↓

Good morning. I'm Tom Tucker. This just in... war rages on

morning tucker

↓

in the Middle East.

east middle middle-east

↓

And this not quite in... Local man Peter Griffin

griffin local peter peter-griffin

↓

tries to pleasure his wife in home sex tape.

home pleasure tape tries wife

↓

-[Peter coughing and kissing] -[garbage truck beeping]

beeping coughing garbage kissing peter truck

↓

-It was totally in! -Peter, they have our sex tape.

peter tape

↓

How did this get out?

↓

I got no idea.

idea

↓

I mean, I did put it on YouTube 'cause I thought

youtube

↓

that's where you put things that are just for you.

↓

[Tom] YouTube didn't even bother to censor the video classifying it

bother video youtube

↓

as a nature documentary instead of pornography.

documentary nature pornography

↓

Hey, I don't want to be too forward,

forward

↓

but are you just not gonna donate to Venkatesh's GoFundMe?

donate

↓

He had a sister, dude.

sister

↓

She's 42 and very wealthy, but we're still trying to support her.

support wealthy

↓

No, thanks.

thanks

↓

Were you at least gonna pay for your room at the Airbnb?

airbnb least room

↓

-I didn't go to an Airbnb. -Well, we agreed to split it evenly.

agreed airbnb split

↓

You know, you and Stewie have been treating me

stewie treating

↓

like a service animal all week.

animal service week

↓

Um, is this about you eating 1,200 bucks

bucks eating

↓

when no one showed up for the lavender field experience?

experience field lavender showed

↓

You know, it was just me and the guide, and I had a lovely time.

guide lovely

↓

But, no, this is about me not being best man.

best

↓

Yeah, because you're the ring-bearer. We've been through this. Here.

ring

↓

What's this for?

↓

You're gonna have to tie the pillow around your waist

pillow waist

↓

since Stewie wants you to be on all fours. The ribbon is adjustable.

fours ribbon stewie wants

↓

I noticed you ate a lot of strip club pasta.

club noticed pasta strip strip-club

↓

-I had a normal amount. -Not really.

amount normal

↓

Venkatesh was talking about it before he died.

died

↓

Okay, that's it. I'm done being humiliated.

humiliated

↓

I am not coming to this ridiculous wedding.

coming ridiculous wedding

↓

Okay, well, that's fine.

↓

I regretted ordering the salmon anyway.

ordering salmon

↓

-So, this way I can just eat your steak. -I also ordered the salmon.

ordered salmon steak

↓

Get out of my [bleep] house!

bleep house

↓

Why are we all pretending we want salmon?

pretending salmon

↓

I can't believe the big day is here already.

believe

↓

Everyone's saying I'm next.

everyones

↓

Pfft, maybe.

pfft

↓

Can I ask you something? Do you think I say "in my heart of hearts"

heart hearts

↓

too many times in my wedding vows?

times vows wedding

↓

If I'm being honest, yes.

honest

↓

I'm still on the fence. Let's ask Brian. Where is he?

brian fence

↓

I'm afraid Brian isn't coming, Stewie. I'm sorry.

afraid brian coming stewie

↓

He's kind of going through something right now.

↓

I see. I was hoping during Hot Hot Hot

hoping

↓

he would get on stage and start the "Who's hot?" call and response.

response stage start

↓

[voice breaking] But I guess that's not in the cards.

breaking cards voice

↓

You know, it's not that bad. We're actually getting

↓

a lot of positive feedback on our sex tape.

feedback positive tape

↓

We got 1,000 thumbs up and over 100 thumbs in.

thumbs

↓

The porn community is very creative.

community creative porn

↓

Oh, and look, somebody named ChrisGriffOfficial

named somebody

↓

without a check mark posted three water droplets.

check mark posted three water

↓

[cell phone vibrates]

cell cell-phone phone phone-vibrates vibrates

↓

Mayor West? That's weird.

mayor weird west

↓

-Hello. -Hi, Peter.

peter

↓

I'm calling from an iPhone 3 that only works

calling works

↓

for 15 minutes a day, so we may be disconnected at any time.

minutes

↓

Now, the whole town is in a tizzy over your cinematic co-mingling.

cinematic mingling town whole whole-town

↓

We'd like to honor you and the missus

honor missus

↓

for your artistic contributions to the art form

artistic form

↓

with the "Nearby Adults Active in Creating Pornography Image Award."

active adults award creating image image-award nearby pornography

↓

What... what's he saying?

↓

We're getting an NAACP Image Award for how cool our sex tape was.

award cool image image-award naacp tape

↓

[Mayor Wild West] We're still workshopping the name--

mayor mayor-wild name west wild wild-west

↓

[line disconnects]

line

↓

He did say that would happen.

happen

↓

Are you okay, Brian?

brian

↓

I notice you're flatter to the ground than physics allow.

allow flatter ground notice physics

↓

Why didn't Stewie want me to be his best man?

best stewie

↓

I thought we were best friends.

best best-friends friends

↓

I don't know, Brian, but what I do know is you're being really selfish.

brian selfish

↓

I am? Between you and me, I don't even like Rupert. Awful person.

awful person rupert

↓

Just don't go into business with the guy is all I'm gonna say.

business

↓

But today isn't about me. Or you. It's about Stewie.

stewie today

↓

After all, a baby only gets married once.

baby married

↓

And I know if I end this speech with the right tone,

speech tone

↓

you'll say, "You know what? You're right."

↓

You know what? You're right. I'll go.

↓

Now, it's a silver-gold wedding, so I'd get chop-chop on a tux.

chop chop-chop gold silver wedding

↓

And fair warning, all the local places are long out.

fair local places warning

↓

Well, then where am I gonna get a tux?

↓

I'm seeing Mr. Tux does have one in Maine.

maine seeing

↓

But you gotta leave right now.

↓

[♪ harp playing soothing music]

harp music playing soothing

↓

If any of you ever want to be in the choir,

choir

↓

I can probably pull a few strings. [laughing]

laughing pull strings

↓

I didn't pay you to make [bleep] jokes.

bleep jokes

↓

Sorry to keep harping on it.

↓

I'm sorry, I'm under a lot of pressure.

pressure

↓

That was very funny.

funny

↓

Why is there a chuppah?

↓

Um, Rupert? Jewish? Hello.

jewish rupert

↓

You're trying to think if you ever said something in front of Rupert right now.

front rupert

↓

Yep.

↓

Where's the groom?

groom

↓

I hope everything's okay.

everythings hope

↓

Is there gonna be a shuttle back to the hotel?

hotel shuttle

↓

I'm staying at the LaQuinta near the airport.

airport near staying

↓

Flights have to stop at 11:00 p.m., so not too bad.

flights

↓

[whispers indistinctly]

indistinctly whispers

↓

-Stewie called off the wedding! -[all gasp]

called gasp stewie wedding

↓

Someone needs to go talk to him.

needs

↓

On the Sabbath, he makes us travel.

makes travel

↓

-[all cheering] -Peter, this is so great.

cheering peter

↓

-I think I can finally own my sexuality. -What does that mean?

finally sexuality

↓

I don't know, Madonna says it a lot. I think it's a good thing.

↓

We're here today to give these fine folks the Rod to the City.

city folks today

↓

Tight fit into the city door, but if you work at it, it eventually gets looser.

city door eventually tight

↓

[Peter laughs]

laughs peter

↓

Lois and Peter are not just heroes,

heroes lois peter

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but symbols of body positivity.

body

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Their video shows all of us it's okay to have a knee brace on

brace knee shows video

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during times of intimacy. That all of us past our prime,

intimacy past prime times

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no matter how repulsive we may be to look at, deserve to be seen naked.

deserve matter naked repulsive seen

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Body positivity? That's why people liked our video?

body liked video

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We salute you for not being ashamed of your shameful bodies.

ashamed bodies salute shameful

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[cheering and applause]

applause cheering

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I really enjoyed your video.

enjoyed video

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I'm using it to teach my residents about botched C-section scars.

botched residents scars section teach using

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Who did that, anyway? It's a hack job.

hack

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-You did. -Oh... oh, what a small world.

world

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Usually we have to show students photos of STDs

photos students usually

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to get them to sign the abstinence contract,

contract sign

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but this did the trick nicely.

nicely trick

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[emotionally] Thank you.

emotionally

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Thank you for being on theme. Unlike Mr. Octopus.

octopus theme unlike

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He dressed for "Tropical cocktail." Way too many patterns.

cocktail dressed patterns tropical

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Look, Stewie, getting cold feet is completely normal.

cold completely completely-normal feet normal stewie

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As Ernest Hemingway once said--

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It was supposed to be you and me up there, man!

supposed

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-Huh? -Do I have to spell it out for you?

spell

↓

Yeah. Just don't spell the word "walk."

spell walk word

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I... I really don't have the bandwidth for that right now.

↓

Don't you see? I've been waiting for you to propose to me for years.

propose waiting years

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You... you want me to marry you?

marry

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No. I want you to want to marry me.

marry

↓

[crying]

crying

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Stewie, what do you think marriage even is?

marriage stewie

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It's a sleepover with your best friend that never ends.

best best-friend ends friend sleepover

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It's being roommates for life and going on adventures!

adventures life roommates

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But I guess you weren't ready for that.

ready

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Stewie, we already have that.

stewie

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But without it being legal, I feel like a cheap whore!

cheap legal whore

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Wait... If you wanted to marry me, why'd you get engaged to Rupert?

engaged marry rupert wanted whyd

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The whole thing was just a ruse to make you jealous!

jealous ruse whole

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Wait, none of it was real?

real

↓

What about Venkatesh, Crazy RJ, and Ellis?

crazy

↓

They were on Love Island last year.

island love

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I can't believe you did all this... For me.

believe

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Of course I did. You're my best friend, Bri.

best best-friend course friend

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Although, I guess we'll never have our own happily ever after.

happily

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Stewie...

stewie

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will you marry me?

marry

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[gasps] Oh, my gosh! This is so unexpected!

gasps gosh unexpected

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[clears throat]

clears clears-throat throat

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Pat Benatar once said, "Love is a battlefield."

battlefield love

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Pat was right, which I always knew in my heart of hearts.

heart hearts

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But, Brian, in my heart of hearts--

brian heart hearts

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[Chris] Too many!

chris

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I can't think of anyone else I'd rather grow old with.

grow

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But, like, a good kind of old,

↓

not ragged-looking because we didn't wear sunscreen.

looking sunscreen wear

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Real talk, you gotta be better about that.

real

↓

But yes, Brian, yes!

brian

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I will marry you and make you the happiest dog on Earth!

earth happiest marry

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Since when can a dog and a baby not get a marriage license?

baby license marriage

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I can't even get an abortion.

abortion

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-Move! -Whoa!

whoa

↓

-[thudding] -Problem solved, thank you!

problem problem-solved solved thudding

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-Are we done here? -Yes.

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[gasps] We forgot about Chris!

chris forgot gasps

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[Chris] I wound up marrying the librarian so we wouldn't lose our deposit.

chris deposit librarian lose marrying wound

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She didn't know my age and wound up going to jail.

jail wound

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I told everyone we did it.

↓

They ended up making a whole movie about it.

ended movie whole whole-movie

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They portrayed her as the aggressor.

↓

Anyway, my name is Chris Griffin,

chris chris-griffin griffin name

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and I'm supposed to get a Quahog NAACP Image Award next week.

award image image-award naacp quahog supposed week

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I know everybody's happy for us,

everybodys happy

↓

but I wish PornHub wouldn't use the title "Beauty and Obese."

beauty obese pornhub title wish

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You know what, Peter? I don't care.

care peter

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Maybe we're not as young or hot as we used to be,

used young

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but there's no one I'd rather spend my life

life spend

↓

sweating dark yellow stains into the mattress with.

dark mattress stains sweating yellow

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You really mean that?

↓

Yes, I love you, Peter.

love peter

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Hang on. Let me go get my men's quadruple-XL sex shirt.

hang mens quadruple shirt

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There's a bulldog with sunglasses on it, so you know it's for big dogs.

bulldog dogs sunglasses

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Just shut up and kiss me!

kiss

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[both moaning]

moaning

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-Oh, Peter. -[both continue moaning]

continue moaning peter

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-[airplane passing overhead] -Hold for plane. Hold for plane.

airplane passing plane

↓

All right, Gatorades down, back on all fours.

fours