Home » Family Guy » S24E13 — Friend's Best Man

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Season 24, Episode 13 — Friend's Best Man

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

#1

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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

#2

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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

#3

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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

#4

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

#5

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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

#6

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

#7

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♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

#8

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[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

#9

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You read People? What a stupid magazine.

#10

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"Snoopy: Fit and Fabulous at 75."

#11

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Ugh. Blake Lively just filed another suit in Prince Edward Island.

#12

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How many places is she gonna sue that guy?

#13

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You know, honestly, I still don't understand

#14

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who Justin Baldoni is, where he came from, or where he's going.

#15

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Yeah, he just appeared out of nowhere.

#16

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Are we sure he's not AI or something?

#17

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Well, whoever he is, I hope Ryan Reynolds gives him a good bop on the beezer.

#18

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[sighs]

#19

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That's what I need. A Ryan Reynolds.

#20

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What are you talking about?

#21

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I'm a single, unwed baby.

#22

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I'm in the prime of my life right now, Bri.

#23

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I've got a steady allowance, I love to time travel,

#24

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I'm potty-trained. And here I am, no ring on my finger.

#25

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Stewie, you are way too young to even be thinking about getting married.

#26

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Where is this coming from?

#27

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I just don't want to end up old and alone like Bill Clinton.

#28

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Hey, Hilary, I realize there's no attraction here,

#29

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but could you at least not wear my pants?

#30

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It's so nice to have the kids out of the house.

#31

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I think the school is gonna be locked down for a few more hours

#32

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till they get the shooter.

#33

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Aw, we should do these home date nights more often.

#34

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Or we could go to PetSmart and look at turtles?

#35

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Hey, can I get a bite of your single piece of wilting lettuce?

#36

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[laughs sarcastically] Perfect. This is why I asked you before I ordered.

#37

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Maybe it's the two-dollar wine that's mostly chemicals,

#38

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but I have a crazy idea to spice things up.

#39

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On three,

#40

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you tell me one thing you've always wanted to do

#41

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and I'll tell you one thing I've always wanted to do.

#42

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I like that, I can count to three.

#43

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Okay. On three. [chuckles]

#44

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[both] One, two...

#45

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-Crumbled Pringles on pizza. -Make a sex tape!

#46

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-I mean, sex tape. -Okay, let's do it!

#47

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-[Lois groaning on TV] -[Peter sneezing and coughing on TV]

#48

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Huh. Lot more coughing and sneezing than I remember.

#49

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And you're positive this isn't that tape that kills you

#50

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if you watch it in seven days?

#51

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-Pretty sure. -[TV audio stops]

#52

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-Is it paused? -Unfortunately, no.

#53

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Uh, we're just kinda in a lull.

#54

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When you're on top of me, I can't move

#55

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and then you fall asleep.

#56

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[Peter snoring on TV]

#57

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[Peter] I'm awake, I'm awake.

#58

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-[garbage truck beeping] -Ah, crap, I gotta put the bins out.

#59

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[Lois] Do you have to do that now?

#60

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-[Peter] I'll be right back. -[footsteps, door shuts]

#61

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[garbage man] You can't put metal in there.

#62

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Why don't we just fast forward?

#63

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[video forwarding]

#64

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[garbage man] Sir, your trash cans have to be three inches apart.

#65

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We've had this conversation.

#66

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[Peter] They are three inches apart. I can prove it right now.

#67

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I think we should fast forward more.

#68

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[TV announcer] We now return to The Banshees of Ed Sheeran.

#69

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For every new song you release,

#70

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I'm gonna cut off one of me fingers.

#71

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Well, break out those pinky shears

#72

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'cause here comes me new track.

#73

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Weak-chinned Ginger Lover.

#74

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Brrr. Is it cold in here?

#75

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Or maybe it's me, 'cause I brought the ice.

#76

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Stewie, I'm a busy man.

#77

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If you've got something to say, just say it.

#78

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I guess you could say I'm no longer a single lady.

#79

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Get it? Like, fiancée?

#80

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Okay, what's going on?

#81

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Rupert asked me to marry him and I said yes!

#82

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-That's wonderful, Stewie. -Congrats.

#83

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Boy, I can't believe my little brother got engaged before me.

#84

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Tick-tock, Chris, tick-tock.

#85

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I don't think the ring got quite enough attention.

#86

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Wow, that's a big rock.

#87

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Well, I asked for three carats or eight inches, and you don't get both.

#88

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Hi, Brian. Sorry about the mess.

#89

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We're working on our invites.

#90

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Mr. Thrifty over here wants to use Evite.

#91

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You're still doing this?

#92

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Thought you would have moved on by now.

#93

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Moved on? This is a lifetime commitment, Brian.

#94

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Well, I saw your registry, and I'm not buying you a $300 pasta maker.

#95

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That's all right. The fettuccine attachment is the only real need.

#96

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Rupert likes a heartier noodle, if you catch my drift.

#97

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I don't want to.

#98

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Oh, did you get the save the date card?

#99

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No. And I don't know why anyone is entertaining any of this.

#100

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Oh, I get it. Brian is jealous.

#101

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We're gonna hang out after I get married.

#102

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First once a month, then once a year,

#103

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then once we have kids, never again.

#104

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If I ended a speech with "Live from New York, it's Saturday night..."

#105

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you'd get the reference, right?

#106

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Should I say "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night Live"?

#107

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-Is that more clear? -Whatever this is for,

#108

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you should not.

#109

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I'm working on my best man speech for Stewie's wedding.

#110

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Oh. Well, this is awkward.

#111

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Um, Stewie asked me to be the best man.

#112

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What? He did?

#113

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Stewie wants you to be the ring bearer instead.

#114

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He thinks it'll be very cute.

#115

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Honestly, I don't think so. You're not very charismatic,

#116

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But I'm his best friend.

#117

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Well, I guess not anymore.

#118

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How are you gonna come up with a rousing best man speech?

#119

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You can barely read or write.

#120

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It's not my fault the school replaced the English department

#121

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with DoorDash training.

#122

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How many fries can you take before it becomes noticeable?

#123

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-Nine. -Good job, Chris.

#124

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And you read the delivery instructions?

#125

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Absolutely not.

#126

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Now, repeat after me.

#127

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"This is how they gave it to me."

#128

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[students] This is how they gave it to me.

#129

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I have a delivery for Mr. Anderson.

#130

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Where's my bun?

#131

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This is how they gave it to me.

#132

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Last year's valedictorian.

#133

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[crying]

#134

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This is why you do it, people.

#135

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What's up with your face?

#136

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Don't be alarmed. I'm doing a series of peels before the wedding.

#137

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Trust me, it's going to look gorg the day of.

#138

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So, for theme, are you thinking Rustic or Regency?

#139

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No, no, my friend.

#140

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Nautical Cottagecore.

#141

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Together? But they're completely different.

#142

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It's... it's never been done.

#143

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You're crazy.

#144

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Crazy like a...

#145

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[blender whirring]

#146

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Hey, bud, we're kind of in the middle of something.

#147

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[blender stops]

#148

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Stewie, I was thinking, given the limited size of the venue, we...

#149

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[bread scraping loudly]

#150

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...we should really talk about not giving plus-ones

#151

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to guests without significant others.

#152

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How significant?

#153

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They should be dating for at least six months.

#154

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[crunches loudly]

#155

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What if it's a friends with benefits situation

#156

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that could eventually turn into a real relationship?

#157

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You must have a minimum of three grid posts together

#158

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at the time of the wedding.

#159

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No story, just grid.

#160

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I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here steering the ship, Chris.

#161

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Well, I'm off to Casey's to get waxed.

#162

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This peach has fuzzed for too long.

#163

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Oh, Brian, before I forget...

#164

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[cell phone dings]

#165

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This is a photo of Sabrina Carpenter's house.

#166

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Sorry, that's a personal project.

#167

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[cell phone dings]

#168

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Wait, this is just a list of wedding errands you want me to do.

#169

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Isn't that your job as best man?

#170

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I'm very busy picking out the signature cocktail.

#171

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I was thinking of a tropical based drink with a literary twist.

#172

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I... I want to do that.

#173

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Sorry, I already thought of L. Rum Hubbard and we're doing it.

#174

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And I need you to pick up Stewie's fraternity brothers at the airport.

#175

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-Fraternity brothers? -Here's their flight info.

#176

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[cell phone dings]

#177

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This is a video for how to break into someone's house,

#178

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with a link to Sabrina Carpenter's address.

#179

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Oh, boy, my airdrop settings have been all over the place lately.

#180

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Gotta see them night boobs. Mmm.

#181

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I can't believe how awful our sex tape was.

#182

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If... if I'm being honest, I guess I never really thought

#183

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about how long Peter's ass crack was.

#184

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Well, as an outside observer, it seems like it would be very long.

#185

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Making a sex tape is hard.

#186

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When we made ours, we had to recast Joe.

#187

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Turns out, we just needed a Joe Swanson type.

#188

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-[airplane passing overhead] -Hold for plane.

#189

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Hold for plane.

#190

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All right, Gatorades down,

#191

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back on all fours in three, two, one.

#192

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I once made a naughty librarian porn.

#193

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[chuckles] I spanked a guy with a book,

#194

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but I went too hard and I broke his anus. [laughs]

#195

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A lot of people don't think there's bones down there, but they're there. [laughs]

#196

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They're there.

#197

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I don't have many close female friendships.

#198

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So, how do you know the S-Man?

#199

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Lambda Chi? Or Bank of America?

#200

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As former frat guys, we all work at Bank of America now.

#201

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You get three percent back on all gasoline purchases

#202

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with the Freedom Flex reward card.

#203

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Brian, where do you do your checking?

#204

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I'm good with my bank.

#205

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What the hell are you guys talking about? Stewie didn't go to college.

#206

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Well, he didn't go to class, I'll tell you that much.

#207

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[laughter]

#208

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The Stewman is a total legend.

#209

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One time he took a dump that got stuck and clogged up the whole house.

#210

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For a year, I just went into a TaylorMade golf bag.

#211

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He banged my dad as a goof!

#212

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He did what now?

#213

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Oh, he's always banging dads.

#214

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Total prankster.

#215

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You'd hate to be an un-banged dad around that guy.

#216

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Total legend.

#217

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The gang's all here.

#218

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I thought you couldn't leave the state.

#219

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Spirit Airlines never pressed charges.

#220

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Sorry, Brian, I need you to run more errands.

#221

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Can you pick up some centerpieces for the bachelor party?

#222

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They're all very phallus-shaped, so without being too blunt,

#223

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how many sexual aids can you hold at once?

#224

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How big are the sexual aids?

#225

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They're... they're substantial.

#226

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[zipper unzips on TV]

#227

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[woman] Oh, Mr. Bond. Mmm...

#228

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We should have watched Paul Blart.

#229

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Guaranteed zero sex scenes.

#230

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See, the bottoms of his feet aren't black.

#231

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Well, I guess he didn't have an awesome afternoon

#232

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burying Star Wars figurines in the garden.

#233

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I'm going to bed.

#234

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[TV stops playing]

#235

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Well, I'm going to ignore this uncomfortable situation

#236

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by checking the weather in other cities.

#237

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Huh, it's gonna be 35 in DC.

#238

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Wow. 40 in Denver though.

#239

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Fresno and Baltimore are the same temp? You don't see that a lot.

#240

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No... you... don't.

#241

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[♪ up-tempo dance music playing]

#242

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Finally I get to have some fun.

#243

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Oh, you're not coming.

#244

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And your job is to hold all our wallets

#245

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and not give them to us, no matter how much we beg you.

#246

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-Give it to me! -I need my wallet, please!

#247

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I promised Valentina I'd pay for her grad school.

#248

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[♪ music continues playing]

#249

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Hey, weren't there three fraternity brothers?

#250

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Yeah, Crazy RJ put fentanyl in the strip club pasta

#251

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and Venkatesh died.

#252

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I need you to build a wooden funeral boat.

#253

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He beat cancer just to die like this. Crazy, man.

#254

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All right, let's get back to the strip club

#255

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before they take our wings off the table.

#256

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Good morning. I'm Tom Tucker. This just in... war rages on

#257

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in the Middle East.

#258

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And this not quite in... Local man Peter Griffin

#259

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tries to pleasure his wife in home sex tape.

#260

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-[Peter coughing and kissing] -[garbage truck beeping]

#261

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-It was totally in! -Peter, they have our sex tape.

#262

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How did this get out?

#263

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I got no idea.

#264

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I mean, I did put it on YouTube 'cause I thought

#265

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that's where you put things that are just for you.

#266

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[Tom] YouTube didn't even bother to censor the video classifying it

#267

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as a nature documentary instead of pornography.

#268

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Hey, I don't want to be too forward,

#269

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but are you just not gonna donate to Venkatesh's GoFundMe?

#270

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He had a sister, dude.

#271

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She's 42 and very wealthy, but we're still trying to support her.

#272

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No, thanks.

#273

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Were you at least gonna pay for your room at the Airbnb?

#274

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-I didn't go to an Airbnb. -Well, we agreed to split it evenly.

#275

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You know, you and Stewie have been treating me

#276

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like a service animal all week.

#277

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Um, is this about you eating 1,200 bucks

#278

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when no one showed up for the lavender field experience?

#279

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You know, it was just me and the guide, and I had a lovely time.

#280

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But, no, this is about me not being best man.

#281

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Yeah, because you're the ring-bearer. We've been through this. Here.

#282

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What's this for?

#283

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You're gonna have to tie the pillow around your waist

#284

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since Stewie wants you to be on all fours. The ribbon is adjustable.

#285

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I noticed you ate a lot of strip club pasta.

#286

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-I had a normal amount. -Not really.

#287

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Venkatesh was talking about it before he died.

#288

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Okay, that's it. I'm done being humiliated.

#289

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I am not coming to this ridiculous wedding.

#290

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Okay, well, that's fine.

#291

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I regretted ordering the salmon anyway.

#292

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-So, this way I can just eat your steak. -I also ordered the salmon.

#293

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Get out of my [bleep] house!

#294

⇓

Why are we all pretending we want salmon?

#295

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I can't believe the big day is here already.

#296

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Everyone's saying I'm next.

#297

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Pfft, maybe.

#298

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Can I ask you something? Do you think I say "in my heart of hearts"

#299

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too many times in my wedding vows?

#300

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If I'm being honest, yes.

#301

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I'm still on the fence. Let's ask Brian. Where is he?

#302

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I'm afraid Brian isn't coming, Stewie. I'm sorry.

#303

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He's kind of going through something right now.

#304

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I see. I was hoping during Hot Hot Hot

#305

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he would get on stage and start the "Who's hot?" call and response.

#306

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[voice breaking] But I guess that's not in the cards.

#307

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You know, it's not that bad. We're actually getting

#308

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a lot of positive feedback on our sex tape.

#309

⇓

We got 1,000 thumbs up and over 100 thumbs in.

#310

⇓

The porn community is very creative.

#311

⇓

Oh, and look, somebody named ChrisGriffOfficial

#312

⇓

without a check mark posted three water droplets.

#313

⇓

[cell phone vibrates]

#314

⇓

Mayor West? That's weird.

#315

⇓

-Hello. -Hi, Peter.

#316

⇓

I'm calling from an iPhone 3 that only works

#317

⇓

for 15 minutes a day, so we may be disconnected at any time.

#318

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Now, the whole town is in a tizzy over your cinematic co-mingling.

#319

⇓

We'd like to honor you and the missus

#320

⇓

for your artistic contributions to the art form

#321

⇓

with the "Nearby Adults Active in Creating Pornography Image Award."

#322

⇓

What... what's he saying?

#323

⇓

We're getting an NAACP Image Award for how cool our sex tape was.

#324

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[Mayor Wild West] We're still workshopping the name--

#325

⇓

[line disconnects]

#326

⇓

He did say that would happen.

#327

⇓

Are you okay, Brian?

#328

⇓

I notice you're flatter to the ground than physics allow.

#329

⇓

Why didn't Stewie want me to be his best man?

#330

⇓

I thought we were best friends.

#331

⇓

I don't know, Brian, but what I do know is you're being really selfish.

#332

⇓

I am? Between you and me, I don't even like Rupert. Awful person.

#333

⇓

Just don't go into business with the guy is all I'm gonna say.

#334

⇓

But today isn't about me. Or you. It's about Stewie.

#335

⇓

After all, a baby only gets married once.

#336

⇓

And I know if I end this speech with the right tone,

#337

⇓

you'll say, "You know what? You're right."

#338

⇓

You know what? You're right. I'll go.

#339

⇓

Now, it's a silver-gold wedding, so I'd get chop-chop on a tux.

#340

⇓

And fair warning, all the local places are long out.

#341

⇓

Well, then where am I gonna get a tux?

#342

⇓

I'm seeing Mr. Tux does have one in Maine.

#343

⇓

But you gotta leave right now.

#344

⇓

[♪ harp playing soothing music]

#345

⇓

If any of you ever want to be in the choir,

#346

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I can probably pull a few strings. [laughing]

#347

⇓

I didn't pay you to make [bleep] jokes.

#348

⇓

Sorry to keep harping on it.

#349

⇓

I'm sorry, I'm under a lot of pressure.

#350

⇓

That was very funny.

#351

⇓

Why is there a chuppah?

#352

⇓

Um, Rupert? Jewish? Hello.

#353

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You're trying to think if you ever said something in front of Rupert right now.

#354

⇓

Yep.

#355

⇓

Where's the groom?

#356

⇓

I hope everything's okay.

#357

⇓

Is there gonna be a shuttle back to the hotel?

#358

⇓

I'm staying at the LaQuinta near the airport.

#359

⇓

Flights have to stop at 11:00 p.m., so not too bad.

#360

⇓

[whispers indistinctly]

#361

⇓

-Stewie called off the wedding! -[all gasp]

#362

⇓

Someone needs to go talk to him.

#363

⇓

On the Sabbath, he makes us travel.

#364

⇓

-[all cheering] -Peter, this is so great.

#365

⇓

-I think I can finally own my sexuality. -What does that mean?

#366

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I don't know, Madonna says it a lot. I think it's a good thing.

#367

⇓

We're here today to give these fine folks the Rod to the City.

#368

⇓

Tight fit into the city door, but if you work at it, it eventually gets looser.

#369

⇓

[Peter laughs]

#370

⇓

Lois and Peter are not just heroes,

#371

⇓

but symbols of body positivity.

#372

⇓

Their video shows all of us it's okay to have a knee brace on

#373

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during times of intimacy. That all of us past our prime,

#374

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no matter how repulsive we may be to look at, deserve to be seen naked.

#375

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Body positivity? That's why people liked our video?

#376

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We salute you for not being ashamed of your shameful bodies.

#377

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[cheering and applause]

#378

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I really enjoyed your video.

#379

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I'm using it to teach my residents about botched C-section scars.

#380

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Who did that, anyway? It's a hack job.

#381

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-You did. -Oh... oh, what a small world.

#382

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Usually we have to show students photos of STDs

#383

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to get them to sign the abstinence contract,

#384

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but this did the trick nicely.

#385

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[emotionally] Thank you.

#386

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Thank you for being on theme. Unlike Mr. Octopus.

#387

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He dressed for "Tropical cocktail." Way too many patterns.

#388

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Look, Stewie, getting cold feet is completely normal.

#389

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As Ernest Hemingway once said--

#390

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It was supposed to be you and me up there, man!

#391

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-Huh? -Do I have to spell it out for you?

#392

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Yeah. Just don't spell the word "walk."

#393

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I... I really don't have the bandwidth for that right now.

#394

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Don't you see? I've been waiting for you to propose to me for years.

#395

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You... you want me to marry you?

#396

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No. I want you to want to marry me.

#397

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[crying]

#398

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Stewie, what do you think marriage even is?

#399

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It's a sleepover with your best friend that never ends.

#400

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It's being roommates for life and going on adventures!

#401

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But I guess you weren't ready for that.

#402

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Stewie, we already have that.

#403

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But without it being legal, I feel like a cheap whore!

#404

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Wait... If you wanted to marry me, why'd you get engaged to Rupert?

#405

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The whole thing was just a ruse to make you jealous!

#406

⇓

Wait, none of it was real?

#407

⇓

What about Venkatesh, Crazy RJ, and Ellis?

#408

⇓

They were on Love Island last year.

#409

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I can't believe you did all this... For me.

#410

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Of course I did. You're my best friend, Bri.

#411

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Although, I guess we'll never have our own happily ever after.

#412

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Stewie...

#413

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will you marry me?

#414

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[gasps] Oh, my gosh! This is so unexpected!

#415

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[clears throat]

#416

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Pat Benatar once said, "Love is a battlefield."

#417

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Pat was right, which I always knew in my heart of hearts.

#418

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But, Brian, in my heart of hearts--

#419

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[Chris] Too many!

#420

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I can't think of anyone else I'd rather grow old with.

#421

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But, like, a good kind of old,

#422

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not ragged-looking because we didn't wear sunscreen.

#423

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Real talk, you gotta be better about that.

#424

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But yes, Brian, yes!

#425

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I will marry you and make you the happiest dog on Earth!

#426

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Since when can a dog and a baby not get a marriage license?

#427

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I can't even get an abortion.

#428

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-Move! -Whoa!

#429

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-[thudding] -Problem solved, thank you!

#430

⇓

-Are we done here? -Yes.

#431

⇓

[gasps] We forgot about Chris!

#432

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[Chris] I wound up marrying the librarian so we wouldn't lose our deposit.

#433

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She didn't know my age and wound up going to jail.

#434

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I told everyone we did it.

#435

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They ended up making a whole movie about it.

#436

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They portrayed her as the aggressor.

#437

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Anyway, my name is Chris Griffin,

#438

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and I'm supposed to get a Quahog NAACP Image Award next week.

#439

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I know everybody's happy for us,

#440

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but I wish PornHub wouldn't use the title "Beauty and Obese."

#441

⇓

You know what, Peter? I don't care.

#442

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Maybe we're not as young or hot as we used to be,

#443

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but there's no one I'd rather spend my life

#444

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sweating dark yellow stains into the mattress with.

#445

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You really mean that?

#446

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Yes, I love you, Peter.

#447

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Hang on. Let me go get my men's quadruple-XL sex shirt.

#448

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There's a bulldog with sunglasses on it, so you know it's for big dogs.

#449

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Just shut up and kiss me!

#450

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[both moaning]

#451

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-Oh, Peter. -[both continue moaning]

#452

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-[airplane passing overhead] -Hold for plane. Hold for plane.

#453

⇓

All right, Gatorades down, back on all fours.

#454

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