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Home » Family Guy » S24E02 — Pumpkin Spice Girls

Family Guy

Season 24, Episode 2 — Pumpkin Spice Girls

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[♪ theme music playing]

music music-playing playing theme theme-music theme-music-playing

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♪ It seems today That all you see ♪

seems seems-today today

↓

♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪

movies violence

↓

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

fashioned fashioned-values values

↓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

rely used

↓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

family lucky

↓

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

lucky positively

↓

♪ All the things That make us ♪

↓

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

laugh

↓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

family

↓

[TV announcer] We now return to Hung Sheldon.

announcer hung return

↓

I don't think I have to say smart stuff anymore.

anymore smart stuff

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Bazinga.

↓

Hello, family. Just wanted to give you guys a heads up

family heads wanted

↓

that I have catastrophically clogged the toilet.

clogged toilet

↓

Catastrophically clogged?

clogged

↓

Well, let's just say your dress shoe couldn't scoop it all out.

dress scoop shoe

↓

And the Emmy goes to...

↓

[drum roll]

drum roll

↓

Bob's Burgers.

bobs burgers

↓

[all applauding]

applauding

↓

[Peter] Stupid thing's political.

peter political stupid

↓

Ugh! I guess everybody will just have to make

everybody

↓

a family trip to Starbucks.

family starbucks trip

↓

Well, I can't leave without my bathroom-reading material.

bathroom material reading

↓

I'm gonna bring my pick-up artist book.

artist book bring pick

↓

I'm learning how to neg.

learning

↓

You can read that when you get home.

home read

↓

You know, you're pretty for a broad with small boobs.

boobs broad

↓

I got to read Chapter two.

chapter read

↓

God, this place is sad.

place

↓

Look at that loser working on his screenplay.

loser screenplay working

↓

-Oh, that's Brian. -Interior...

brian interior

↓

Space Brothel... Day.

space

↓

You know, I think it has potential.

potential

↓

Why do we always come to a coffee shop

coffee coffee-shop shop

↓

when our toilets don't work?

toilets

↓

Well, coffee shop toilets are strong.

coffee coffee-shop shop strong toilets

↓

They're stress-tested daily

daily stress tested

↓

and are guaranteed to be able to flush

able flush guaranteed

↓

a homeless man's pants.

homeless mans pants

↓

[toilet flushing]

flushing toilet toilet-flushing

↓

[sniffs]

sniffs

↓

What you're picking up is Pop-Tarts

picking tarts

↓

and a hint of mango White Claw.

claw hint mango white

↓

No... [sniffs]

sniffs

↓

Is that... [chuckling] No!

chuckling

↓

It can't be.

↓

[♪ exhilarating music playing]

exhilarating music music-playing playing

↓

[gasps]

gasps

↓

-[yelps] -Pumpkin spice latte is back?

latte pumpkin pumpkin-spice pumpkin-spice-latte spice spice-latte yelps

↓

But it's a day early.

early

↓

[chuckles softly] I have a Google alert on my phone for that

alert chuckles chuckles-softly google phone softly

↓

and Luke Hemsworth.

luke

↓

I wanna be the first one to know

↓

when he becomes a successful actor.

actor becomes successful

↓

I also see you had a pap smear today.

smear today

↓

Yeah, my pap is still a little tender.

tender

↓

Anyway, two pumpkin spice lattes, please.

lattes pumpkin pumpkin-spice spice

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You can say I like those a lot-te.

↓

[laughs wickedly]

laughs

↓

Cool beans, huh?

beans cool

↓

What brew-tiful news!

brew news

↓

Okay. You got to give me something here.

↓

I live in my car.

live

↓

Oh. Way to make it all about you.

↓

[toilet flushing]

flushing toilet toilet-flushing

↓

Meg, it's the start of pumpkin spice latte season!

latte pumpkin pumpkin-spice pumpkin-spice-latte season spice spice-latte start

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-What's that? -A very special day

special

↓

for white women everywhere,

white white-women women

↓

even bigger than Martha Stewart's birthday.

bigger birthday martha

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-[Stewie] August 3rd. -Honey,

august honey stewie

↓

there comes a day when every white girl

comes girl white

↓

must become a white woman.

become must white white-woman woman

↓

Today is that day.

today

↓

-[slurps] -[♪ lively piano music playing]

lively music music-playing piano piano-music piano-music-playing playing slurps

↓

♪ Makin' my way downtown ♪

downtown makin

↓

♪ Walking fast, faces pass and I'm homebound ♪

faces fast pass walking

↓

♪ Starin' blankly ahead Just makin' my way ♪

ahead makin

↓

♪ Makin' a way through the crowd ♪

crowd makin

↓

♪ And I need you ♪

↓

♪ And I miss you ♪

miss

↓

♪ And now I wonder ♪

wonder

↓

♪ If I could fall into the sky ♪

fall

↓

♪ Do you think time would pass me by? ♪

pass

↓

♪ 'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles ♪

miles thousand walk

↓

♪ If I could just see you... ♪

↓

You don't tell me to connect the dots.

connect dots

↓

You connect your own dots.

connect dots

↓

Oh, my God! It's a giraffe! Lois, look!

giraffe lois

↓

I thought it was going to be a palm tree,

palm tree

↓

but the antlers were a dead giveaway.

antlers dead

↓

Hey, bitch. Let's get PSLs.

bitch

↓

Mama wants to nut some megs.

mama megs wants

↓

Oh, honey, it's been a month.

honey month

↓

Pumpkin spice latte season is over.

latte pumpkin pumpkin-spice pumpkin-spice-latte season spice spice-latte

↓

Over? What do you mean over?

↓

Well, it's a seasonal beverage.

beverage

↓

I mean, this is why I always have withdrawals this time of year

↓

and quickly lose patience with family and friends.

family friends lose patience quickly

↓

-[slurps] -I told you, no straws in the living room!

living living-room room slurps straws

↓

-[wailing] -[door closes]

closes door door-closes wailing

↓

Let me make you something fall-adjacent

adjacent fall

↓

that will help tide you over.

tide

↓

-Mama? -What the deuce, Stewie?

deuce mama stewie

↓

Ah! That's where that comes from.

comes

↓

Here you go.

↓

A nice cup of green tea you can drink

drink green

↓

until it's the same temperature as the room

room temperature

↓

and then leave half full.

full half

↓

[♪ mystical music playing]

music music-playing playing

↓

Hi. I'm Green Tea.

green

↓

I have an extra ticket to see Three Dog Night

extra night three ticket

↓

at the fairground this weekend.

weekend

↓

It's none of the original members

members original

↓

and none of the original fake members.

fake members original

↓

What do you say we Shambala over around 06:00?

↓

This sucks.

sucks

↓

Hey, can you guys stop going on drug trips?

drug trips

↓

I haven't had my diaper changed since October.

changed diaper october

↓

I'm sorry, Meg. It's just the way it is.

↓

You'll get used to it.

used

↓

I'll tell you exactly what it is.

↓

Misogyny.

↓

This is them taking things away from women.

women

↓

Why can't the patriarchy let us have this one thing?

patriarchy

↓

[♪ triumphant music playing]

music music-playing playing triumphant triumphant-music triumphant-music-playing

↓

Hey, my dudes.

dudes

↓

On today's agenda, we're deciding what women can and can't have.

agenda deciding todays women

↓

We're in Q4,

↓

so pumpkin spice lattes are out.

lattes pumpkin pumpkin-spice spice

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And where did we land on reproductive rights?

land rights

↓

[men] They gone!

gone

↓

Before we go any further,

further

↓

would anyone like to yell an Anchorman quote?

quote yell

↓

Milk was a bad choice.

choice milk

↓

Whale's vagina!

vagina whales

↓

Right on. Now, let's take a quick stand break

break quick stand

↓

to unstick our testicles from our legs.

legs testicles

↓

-[all sighing] -Yeah.

sighing

↓

This arbitrary cutoff is BS.

arbitrary cutoff

↓

I bet they have all the ingredients

ingredients

↓

just sitting there in some storage room.

room sitting storage storage-room

↓

[gasps] You know what?

gasps

↓

What are you doing?

↓

This table has a very strict weight limit,

limit strict table weight

↓

and you're testing it.

testing

↓

We need to rise up and take back our country...

country rise

↓

I mean, seasonal beverage.

beverage

↓

-Are you in? -I'm in.

↓

[shudders]

shudders

↓

[cell phone chimes]

cell cell-phone cell-phone-chimes chimes phone phone-chimes

↓

Hey, Chris, can you stop using me as your recovery email

chris email recovery using

↓

for Pornhub?

pornhub

↓

You don't need an account.

account

↓

[Chris] You do to post comments.

chris comments post

↓

[announcer] Pornhub, join the conversation.

announcer conversation join pornhub

↓

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

music music-playing playing suspenseful suspenseful-music suspenseful-music-playing

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Guess our many pandemic hobbies

hobbies pandemic

↓

are finally paying off.

finally paying

↓

All right, since we have more time on our hands,

hands

↓

we're gonna get into social justice.

justice social

↓

And I got a Black Lives Matter sign to put on our lawn.

black black-lives black-lives-matter lawn lives lives-matter matter sign

↓

Ooh! We should also put up a sign

sign

↓

in support of the trans community.

community support trans

↓

I don't know, Meg.

↓

Suddenly, everything's sounding very cluttered.

everythings sounding suddenly

↓

Mom's high school swimming records are getting shattered.

moms records school shattered swimming

↓

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

music music-playing playing suspenseful suspenseful-music suspenseful-music-playing

↓

Meg, I found it!

found

↓

[♪ upbeat music playing]

music music-playing playing upbeat upbeat-music upbeat-music-playing

↓

Nice! Up top, bitch.

bitch

↓

Can you stop calling me that?

calling

↓

Whoa! What's this?

whoa

↓

Starbucks used to sell a lot of CDs.

sell starbucks used

↓

They propped up Michael Buble for years.

michael years

↓

Joni Mitchell, Alanis Morissette...

alanis alanis-morissette joni morissette

↓

The Diana Krall?

diana

↓

What's this really tall stack?

stack tall

↓

Oh! It's the audio book for Kamala Harris's The Truths We Hold.

audio book truths

↓

Well, now I'm just sad.

↓

-Cheers. -Cheers.

cheers

↓

Coming up... my adult nephew's band "Forged in Steel"

adult band coming forged nephews steel

↓

will be playing at the Cat Club on Friday.

club friday playing

↓

Is that enough uncle-ing for you, Denise?

denise uncle

↓

But first, a brazen robbery occurred

occurred robbery

↓

at a Quahog coffee shop last night,

coffee coffee-shop night quahog shop

↓

with the assailants stealing a proprietary spice blend

blend proprietary spice stealing

↓

used to make pumpkin spice lattes.

lattes pumpkin pumpkin-spice spice used

↓

An eyewitness reports seeing two people fleeing the scene,

eyewitness reports scene seeing

↓

a woman he quote, "Would like to jump,"

jump quote woman

↓

and a second woman.

second woman

↓

We now turn to local cop Joe Swanson,

local swanson

↓

who is taking this very seriously.

↓

I'm now going to answer some questions from reporters

answer questions reporters

↓

that this microphone is not picking up.

microphone picking

↓

No, not at this time.

↓

We're monitoring that.

↓

Yes.

↓

About 45 minutes at 375 degrees.

degrees minutes

↓

We have to keep a low profile.

profile

↓

[sighs] Good thinking.

sighs thinking

↓

I'll go on social media and let everyone know

media social social-media

↓

I'm taking a mental health break.

break health mental mental-health

↓

Meg, no one cares. Just don't post.

cares post

↓

I think they do.

↓

Oh, right.

↓

I forgot to unfollow her.

forgot

↓

[yelps] Good God, woman.

woman yelps

↓

-[♪ suspenseful music playing] -Hi, Lois.

lois music music-playing playing suspenseful suspenseful-music suspenseful-music-playing

↓

I just wanted to say I noticed how your windows have been looking.

looking noticed wanted windows

↓

Windex is on aisle 9.

aisle

↓

Wow. That's like the woman equivalent

woman

↓

of getting stabbed in the face.

face stabbed

↓

Well, I appreciate that, Bonnie.

appreciate bonnie

↓

You know, maybe you should focus on your hydrangeas.

focus

↓

They're looking a little pale.

looking pale

↓

[sniffs] Hmmm. What interesting perfume you've got on!

hmmm interesting perfume sniffs

↓

Nutmeg, clove, a little bit of brown ginger?

brown ginger

↓

I'd say that smells like pumpkin spice latte,

latte pumpkin pumpkin-spice pumpkin-spice-latte smells spice spice-latte

↓

but... [chuckles softly] ...that would be crazy.

chuckles chuckles-softly crazy softly

↓

[chuckling] Well, Jamaican me crazy.

chuckling crazy jamaican

↓

[scoffs] Embarrassing.

embarrassing scoffs

↓

Coffee without creamer, insulator sleeves,

coffee sleeves

↓

pregnancy test?

pregnancy pregnancy-test test

↓

That's for me.

↓

Veronica from baby piano is late. Again.

baby late piano veronica

↓

That's why the rosary beads are there too.

beads

↓

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

music music-playing playing suspenseful suspenseful-music suspenseful-music-playing

↓

It's you.

↓

You're the coffee shop thief.

coffee coffee-shop shop thief

↓

Shh! Okay, what do you want? You want money?

money

↓

I want in.

↓

Otherwise, I can't guarantee what I may or may not tell Joe.

guarantee otherwise

↓

All right, fine. But you can't tell anyone else.

↓

I'm very discreet.

discreet

↓

I take every secret to my grave.

grave secret

↓

Like, for example, did you know that Tom Hanks has a passion

example hanks passion

↓

for vintage typewriters?

vintage

↓

Bonnie, I read that in Parade Magazine.

bonnie magazine parade read

↓

Well, they didn't hear it from me.

↓

[knock on door]

door knock

↓

Give me the pumpkin spice latte.

latte pumpkin pumpkin-spice pumpkin-spice-latte spice spice-latte

↓

I... I'm sorry, but I don't know what you're talking about.

↓

I saw the bat signal.

signal

↓

We all did.

↓

[grumbles] Bonnie.

bonnie

↓

I know you have some. Give it to me right now. I am filming you.

filming

↓

And I'm filming you because this is how I deal with conflict.

conflict deal filming

↓

And I'm filming you filming her

filming

↓

because I have a TikTok about women who don't support women.

support tiktok women

↓

Ladies, I'm sorry, but I just don't--

ladies

↓

[women chanting] Pumpkin spice! Pumpkin spice!

chanting pumpkin pumpkin-spice spice women

↓

-Pumpkin spice! -I borrowed this from my white husband.

borrowed husband pumpkin pumpkin-spice spice white

↓

Pack the bags, Donna.

bags donna pack

↓

Pack the bags, Neil.

bags neil pack

↓

Oh, no.

↓

Pack the bags, Dennis.

bags dennis pack

↓

-Mykonos? -Well, we hadn't been in three weeks.

three three-weeks weeks

↓

You get the mesh bag of sandals

mesh sandals

↓

and I'll get all our Greece greases.

greece

↓

[women chanting] Pumpkin spice! Pumpkin spice!

chanting pumpkin pumpkin-spice spice women

↓

Okay, okay.

↓

We can get you all pumpkin spice lattes tomorrow.

lattes pumpkin pumpkin-spice spice tomorrow

↓

Okay, Meg. We got 24 hours to replenish our supply.

hours supply

↓

Mom, what are you doing?

↓

Don't worry, Meg. I know exactly how we can monetize this.

worry

↓

I took the Bill Gates Masterclass.

bill gates

↓

I was never on Epstein's plane.

plane

↓

And if I was,

↓

it just a routine flight for my charity.

charity flight routine

↓

But I wasn't.

↓

Microsoft.

↓

[♪ intense music playing]

intense intense-music intense-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

-[Lois] Password? -Dressing on the side.

dressing lois password side

↓

[♪ exhilarating music playing]

exhilarating music music-playing playing

↓

[gasps] Ooh!

gasps

↓

We accept cash, Venmo or Etsy gift cards.

accept cards cash gift gift-cards

↓

We prefer Etsy gift cards.

cards gift gift-cards prefer

↓

Actually, we only take Etsy gift cards.

cards gift gift-cards

↓

[women cheering]

cheering women

↓

There goes the neighborhood.

neighborhood

↓

Hummingbird feeders and those damn free libraries everywhere,

free hummingbird

↓

constant smell of banana bread.

banana bread constant smell

↓

Look at them. Eating granola like it's cereal.

cereal eating

↓

It's supposed to be sprinkled on top of something.

supposed

↓

It's too calorically dense, otherwise!

otherwise

↓

Tom's of Maine is owned by Colgate!

colgate maine owned toms

↓

[women] Liar!

liar women

↓

Look it up!

↓

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

music music-playing playing suspenseful suspenseful-music suspenseful-music-playing

↓

[camera shutter clicks]

camera camera-shutter camera-shutter-clicks clicks shutter shutter-clicks

↓

[camera shutter clicks]

camera camera-shutter camera-shutter-clicks clicks shutter shutter-clicks

↓

Seventh one this month.

month seventh

↓

Guys, we really need to find some evidence

evidence

↓

so I can have stuff to say at the next press conference.

conference press press-conference stuff

↓

I knocked it out of the park at the last one, and...

knocked park

↓

people are expecting a lot.

expecting

↓

I can't believe someone would do something like this.

believe

↓

It's disgusting.

disgusting

↓

Starbucks is more than just a coffee shop.

coffee coffee-shop shop starbucks

↓

It's a place where people come together

place

↓

and post flyers advertising their bad improv shows.

advertising flyers improv post shows

↓

By the way, can you come see my Malcolm in the Giggle show next Wednesday?

giggle malcolm wednesday

↓

I would, but I'm going to a Gimprov show.

↓

We're reclaiming that word.

word

↓

We're looking for a suggestion from the audience.

audience looking suggestion

↓

Does anyone have an occupation?

↓

[Joe] Former acrobat.

former

↓

Great. How about a location?

location

↓

[Joe] C6, C7 between two vertebrae.

vertebrae

↓

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

music music-playing playing suspenseful suspenseful-music suspenseful-music-playing

↓

Fellas, I think we just got a break in this case.

break case fellas

↓

[camera shutter clicks]

camera camera-shutter camera-shutter-clicks clicks shutter shutter-clicks

↓

This isn't for the case, but I'm taking these napkins for my car.

case napkins

↓

The other day I had to drive home blind after a wet sneeze.

blind drive drive-home home sneeze

↓

There's a three-week backlog at the lab.

three week

↓

Thought you might be able to help.

able might

↓

You've come to the right place.

place

↓

I have a database of every woman's foot in Quahog.

database foot quahog womans

↓

I call it The Footbook.

↓

Drop the "The". It's cleaner.

cleaner drop

↓

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

music music-playing playing suspenseful suspenseful-music suspenseful-music-playing

↓

Yeah. Uh-huh.

↓

[laughing] You stop it right now.

laughing

↓

Are you talking to the footprint?

↓

The footprint and I are having a conversation.

conversation having

↓

It's a little like Harry Potter.

harry harry-potter potter

↓

The admirer doesn't choose the foot.

admirer choose foot

↓

The foot has to choose the admirer.

admirer choose foot

↓

Let me just cross reference.

cross reference

↓

-And, oh... that's very sad. -What?

↓

It's a discontinued Payless shoe from 2009.

shoe

↓

A shoe so sad can only belong to one woman.

belong shoe woman

↓

[gasps] Olivia Wilde?

gasps olivia wilde

↓

She must be pretty sad.

must

↓

Tabloid culture overshadowed a movie

culture movie

↓

the cast and crew worked so hard on.

cast crew hard worked

↓

-No Joe. It's Lois. -By the way,

lois

↓

you could read more of my movie reviews on my Letterboxd.

movie read reviews

↓

Did you know the cast of Oppenheimer lived together

cast lived

↓

-while they were filming? -Uh-huh.

filming

↓

Cillian Murphy spent a lot of time on his own.

murphy spent

↓

Kind of a lone wolf.

lone wolf

↓

-Okay. -Of course, by then

course

↓

most of the cast had seen his penis.

cast penis seen

↓

You know that scene with Einstein?

einstein scene

↓

Originally, they had both their penises out.

originally penises

↓

Actors sometimes do that to break down their emotional walls.

actors break emotional sometimes walls

↓

[tires screeching]

screeching tires tires-screeching

↓

Thank God, he's gone.

gone

↓

I've been holding in a major fart.

fart holding major

↓

[whirring]

whirring

↓

-[farts] -[sighs]

farts sighs

↓

Everything's hard for me, cat.

everythings hard

↓

Thanks, Quagmire. This is the smoking gun we needed.

needed quagmire smoking thanks

↓

-We're gonna nail Lois. -Really?

lois nail

↓

Can... Can I go first?

↓

No. I mean, we got to slap the cuffs on her

slap

↓

and throw her in the back of my car.

throw

↓

[exclaims]

exclaims

↓

Get her in her room and drill her till she breaks.

breaks drill room till

↓

[exclaiming]

exclaiming

↓

See how she likes it in the can.

likes

↓

[exclaims passionately]

exclaims

↓

[explosion]

explosion

↓

I'd like to see one of those strong female attorneys

female strong

↓

try to get her off.

↓

[exclaims enthusiastically]

exclaims

↓

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

music music-playing playing suspenseful suspenseful-music suspenseful-music-playing

↓

[chitters]

↓

Everyone get in position.

position

↓

-Roger that. -Copy.

copy roger

↓

Jerry, please acknowledge.

acknowledge jerry

↓

He's not acknowledging. I'm going in.

↓

Let's get this debutante ball started.

ball started

↓

[whirring]

whirring

↓

[chomping]

chomping

↓

[high-pitched static]

pitched static

↓

Be professional, Jerry.

jerry professional

↓

[soft chomps]

soft

↓

-[gasps] -Hello.

gasps

↓

I am a white woman named Kayhla,

named white white-woman woman woman-named

↓

and I spell that in a very complicated way for zero reason.

complicated reason spell zero

↓

Well, aren't you a cool glass of water?

cool glass water

↓

Why don't you come on in for a nonconsensual shoulder rub?

shoulder

↓

I just want to speak to your wife.

speak wife

↓

Wife? We've been drifting apart for a long time.

apart drifting wife

↓

So, is there a Mr. Kayhla?

↓

There was. My husband was a wrestler.

husband wrestler

↓

His doctor told him he couldn't wrestle anymore.

anymore doctor wrestle

↓

But he loved it so much

loved

↓

he wrestled one last time and died.

died

↓

Telling him not to wrestle was like telling him not to breathe.

breathe telling wrestle

↓

That's so sad. That's, literally, exactly

↓

what happened to Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler.

happened mickey wrestler

↓

No, it's very different.

↓

Unlike Mickey Rourke,

mickey unlike

↓

my husband's face was completely disfigured

completely disfigured face husbands

↓

by too much plastic surgery.

plastic surgery

↓

Kayhla, you have got to watch this movie.

movie watch

↓

It's so similar to your life.

life similar

↓

Is Dad okay?

↓

It's brain fog from having Covid 12 times.

brain covid having times

↓

What do we do now?

↓

Look, we always knew this time would come.

↓

Grab the pumpkin spice from the garage and run.

garage grab pumpkin pumpkin-spice spice

↓

[Peter] I'm sorry to be so forward.

forward peter

↓

It's just that you're, literally, any woman

woman

↓

other than the one I'm allowed to have.

allowed

↓

-[kisses] -[tires screeching]

kisses screeching tires tires-screeching

↓

[Peter grunts]

grunts peter

↓

[tires screeching]

screeching tires tires-screeching

↓

Getting your own daughter involved?

daughter involved

↓

You're a sick woman, Lois Griffin.

griffin lois sick woman

↓

[gasps] Joe?

gasps

↓

I'm sorry, Peter.

peter

↓

But for what it's worth, Kayhla found you very attractive.

attractive found worth

↓

No. That's all right.

↓

I'll just work out this sexual confusion in my porn searches later.

confusion porn sexual

↓

[Chris] I have an account if you wanna leave a comment.

account chris comment

↓

[announcer] Pornhub, fun for the whole family.

announcer family fun pornhub whole whole-family

↓

[♪ sweeping music playing over car radio]

music music-playing playing radio sweeping

↓

Oh, my God. We're like Thelma and Louise.

louise thelma

↓

I've never felt so alive.

alive

↓

Meg, unpair your phone.

phone

↓

I'm driving. So we pair my phone.

driving pair phone

↓

Seriously? Ugh! Fine.

↓

-[♪ music stops] -Go ahead.

ahead go-ahead music music-stops stops

↓

I can't connect until you disconnect your phone.

connect phone

↓

You have to forget device.

device forget

↓

Go to settings, general,

general settings

↓

network, Bluetooth, find "Car",

bluetooth network

↓

then hit "Forget my device".

device forget

↓

Argh! We can't do it while you're driving.

argh driving

↓

The car has to be stopped.

stopped

↓

Siri, forget device.

device forget siri

↓

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

music music-playing playing suspenseful suspenseful-music suspenseful-music-playing

↓

Coming to you live.

coming live

↓

We are in pursuit of two fugitives

↓

identified in the gruesome pumpkin spice latte robberies.

gruesome latte pumpkin pumpkin-spice pumpkin-spice-latte spice spice-latte

↓

As you can see now, they're headed down Route 95 .

headed route

↓

Oh, yeah, right past that exterminator with the big bug on the roof.

exterminator past roof

↓

Oh, Look. There it is.

↓

They do a nice little job.

↓

It appears they're slowing down.

appears slowing

↓

[Lois screaming] Siri!

lois screaming siri

↓

Forget my device!

device forget

↓

[Tom] Yep. Just what I thought.

↓

Classic Bluetooth-pairing problem.

bluetooth classic problem

↓

Okay. It appears they were able to safely pair the phone.

able appears pair phone safely

↓

But it looks like the police cruiser is pulling over

cruiser police pulling

↓

for similar reasons.

reasons similar

↓

Listen, I don't know what they're teaching you at the academy,

academy teaching

↓

but this is day-one stuff.

stuff

↓

Go to settings, general, network...

general network settings

↓

Oh? You got an Android?

↓

So you're the green idiot on the group text.

green group idiot text

↓

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

music music-playing playing suspenseful suspenseful-music suspenseful-music-playing

↓

Peter?

peter

↓

I can't find the remote.

remote

↓

Did you check under the table?

check table

↓

Yeah.

↓

No. Hold on.

↓

Okay, I found it. Thank you.

found

↓

-[siren wailing] -[both gasping]

gasping siren siren-wailing wailing

↓

-[grunts] -[tires screeching]

grunts screeching tires tires-screeching

↓

[both screaming]

screaming

↓

I'm sorry, Meg.

↓

I never meant for things to get so out of hand.

hand meant

↓

Me too, Mom.

↓

But I gotta say,

↓

I enjoyed spending time with you.

enjoyed spending

↓

[♪ sinister music playing]

music music-playing playing sinister sinister-music

↓

Should we go out in a blaze of eternal glory?

blaze eternal glory

↓

I'd like that very much.

↓

Uh, can I get a vote?

vote

↓

I've been here since you went to Target

target

↓

two days ago.

days

↓

[tires screeching]

screeching tires tires-screeching

↓

[sirens wailing]

sirens sirens-wailing wailing

↓

I guess this all could have been avoided

avoided

↓

if there was another seasonal beverage

another beverage

↓

that followed the pumpkin spice latte.

followed latte pumpkin pumpkin-spice pumpkin-spice-latte spice spice-latte

↓

Well, there is the peppermint mocha,

mocha peppermint

↓

but there's no comparison.

comparison

↓

I mean, yeah, it has candy on top of...

candy

↓

of rich peppermint cream

cream peppermint rich

↓

and basically tastes like Christmas in a cup, but...

christmas tastes

↓

[exclaiming] Actually, that doesn't sound that bad.

exclaiming sound

↓

Are you [bleep] me?

bleep

↓

Turn around!

↓

-[brakes screeching] -It's too late.

brakes late screeching

↓

I'm buckled in. This should be fine.

↓

[all screaming]

screaming

↓

[car doors open]

doors doors-open open

↓

We've changed our minds!

changed minds

↓

Oh, we made emotional decisions!

decisions emotional

↓

Please save us, men!

save

↓

We got 'em, boys.

boys

↓

I guess all that's left

left

↓

is for the husband to give an emotional press conference.

conference emotional husband press press-conference

↓

[camera shutter clicking]

camera camera-shutter clicking shutter

↓

It's time we forgive Kevin Spacey.

forgive kevin

↓

That will be my only statement at this time.

statement

↓

[sobbing] Thank you.

sobbing

↓

I already joined three prison gangs.

gangs joined prison three

↓

We got community service.

community community-service service

↓

Yeah, I know.

↓

I was getting ready just in case.

case ready

↓

Joe told 'em about The Footbook.

↓

Drop the "The". It's cleaner.

cleaner drop

↓

[♪ closing theme music playing]

closing closing-theme closing-theme-music music music-playing playing theme theme-music theme-music-playing