Home » Family Guy » S24E02 — Pumpkin Spice Girls

Family Guy

Season 24, Episode 2 — Pumpkin Spice Girls

[♪ theme music playing]

#1

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♪ It seems today That all you see ♪

#2

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♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪

#3

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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

#4

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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

#5

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

#6

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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

#7

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♪ All the things That make us ♪

#8

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♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

#9

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[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

#10

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[TV announcer] We now return to Hung Sheldon.

#11

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I don't think I have to say smart stuff anymore.

#12

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Bazinga.

#13

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Hello, family. Just wanted to give you guys a heads up

#14

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that I have catastrophically clogged the toilet.

#15

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Catastrophically clogged?

#16

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Well, let's just say your dress shoe couldn't scoop it all out.

#17

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And the Emmy goes to...

#18

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[drum roll]

#19

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Bob's Burgers.

#20

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[all applauding]

#21

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[Peter] Stupid thing's political.

#22

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Ugh! I guess everybody will just have to make

#23

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a family trip to Starbucks.

#24

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Well, I can't leave without my bathroom-reading material.

#25

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I'm gonna bring my pick-up artist book.

#26

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I'm learning how to neg.

#27

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You can read that when you get home.

#28

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You know, you're pretty for a broad with small boobs.

#29

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I got to read Chapter two.

#30

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God, this place is sad.

#31

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Look at that loser working on his screenplay.

#32

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-Oh, that's Brian. -Interior...

#33

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Space Brothel... Day.

#34

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You know, I think it has potential.

#35

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Why do we always come to a coffee shop

#36

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when our toilets don't work?

#37

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Well, coffee shop toilets are strong.

#38

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They're stress-tested daily

#39

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and are guaranteed to be able to flush

#40

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a homeless man's pants.

#41

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[toilet flushing]

#42

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[sniffs]

#43

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What you're picking up is Pop-Tarts

#44

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and a hint of mango White Claw.

#45

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No... [sniffs]

#46

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Is that... [chuckling] No!

#47

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It can't be.

#48

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[♪ exhilarating music playing]

#49

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[gasps]

#50

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-[yelps] -Pumpkin spice latte is back?

#51

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But it's a day early.

#52

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[chuckles softly] I have a Google alert on my phone for that

#53

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and Luke Hemsworth.

#54

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I wanna be the first one to know

#55

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when he becomes a successful actor.

#56

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I also see you had a pap smear today.

#57

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Yeah, my pap is still a little tender.

#58

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Anyway, two pumpkin spice lattes, please.

#59

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You can say I like those a lot-te.

#60

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[laughs wickedly]

#61

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Cool beans, huh?

#62

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What brew-tiful news!

#63

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Okay. You got to give me something here.

#64

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I live in my car.

#65

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Oh. Way to make it all about you.

#66

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[toilet flushing]

#67

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Meg, it's the start of pumpkin spice latte season!

#68

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-What's that? -A very special day

#69

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for white women everywhere,

#70

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even bigger than Martha Stewart's birthday.

#71

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-[Stewie] August 3rd. -Honey,

#72

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there comes a day when every white girl

#73

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must become a white woman.

#74

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Today is that day.

#75

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-[slurps] -[♪ lively piano music playing]

#76

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♪ Makin' my way downtown ♪

#77

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♪ Walking fast, faces pass and I'm homebound ♪

#78

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♪ Starin' blankly ahead Just makin' my way ♪

#79

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♪ Makin' a way through the crowd ♪

#80

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♪ And I need you ♪

#81

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♪ And I miss you ♪

#82

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♪ And now I wonder ♪

#83

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♪ If I could fall into the sky ♪

#84

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♪ Do you think time would pass me by? ♪

#85

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♪ 'Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles ♪

#86

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♪ If I could just see you... ♪

#87

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You don't tell me to connect the dots.

#88

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You connect your own dots.

#89

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Oh, my God! It's a giraffe! Lois, look!

#90

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I thought it was going to be a palm tree,

#91

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but the antlers were a dead giveaway.

#92

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Hey, bitch. Let's get PSLs.

#93

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Mama wants to nut some megs.

#94

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Oh, honey, it's been a month.

#95

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Pumpkin spice latte season is over.

#96

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Over? What do you mean over?

#97

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Well, it's a seasonal beverage.

#98

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I mean, this is why I always have withdrawals this time of year

#99

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and quickly lose patience with family and friends.

#100

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-[slurps] -I told you, no straws in the living room!

#101

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-[wailing] -[door closes]

#102

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Let me make you something fall-adjacent

#103

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that will help tide you over.

#104

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-Mama? -What the deuce, Stewie?

#105

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Ah! That's where that comes from.

#106

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Here you go.

#107

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A nice cup of green tea you can drink

#108

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until it's the same temperature as the room

#109

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and then leave half full.

#110

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[♪ mystical music playing]

#111

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Hi. I'm Green Tea.

#112

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I have an extra ticket to see Three Dog Night

#113

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at the fairground this weekend.

#114

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It's none of the original members

#115

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and none of the original fake members.

#116

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What do you say we Shambala over around 06:00?

#117

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This sucks.

#118

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Hey, can you guys stop going on drug trips?

#119

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I haven't had my diaper changed since October.

#120

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I'm sorry, Meg. It's just the way it is.

#121

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You'll get used to it.

#122

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I'll tell you exactly what it is.

#123

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Misogyny.

#124

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This is them taking things away from women.

#125

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Why can't the patriarchy let us have this one thing?

#126

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[♪ triumphant music playing]

#127

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Hey, my dudes.

#128

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On today's agenda, we're deciding what women can and can't have.

#129

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We're in Q4,

#130

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so pumpkin spice lattes are out.

#131

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And where did we land on reproductive rights?

#132

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[men] They gone!

#133

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Before we go any further,

#134

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would anyone like to yell an Anchorman quote?

#135

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Milk was a bad choice.

#136

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Whale's vagina!

#137

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Right on. Now, let's take a quick stand break

#138

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to unstick our testicles from our legs.

#139

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-[all sighing] -Yeah.

#140

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This arbitrary cutoff is BS.

#141

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I bet they have all the ingredients

#142

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just sitting there in some storage room.

#143

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[gasps] You know what?

#144

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What are you doing?

#145

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This table has a very strict weight limit,

#146

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and you're testing it.

#147

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We need to rise up and take back our country...

#148

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I mean, seasonal beverage.

#149

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-Are you in? -I'm in.

#150

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[shudders]

#151

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[cell phone chimes]

#152

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Hey, Chris, can you stop using me as your recovery email

#153

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for Pornhub?

#154

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You don't need an account.

#155

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[Chris] You do to post comments.

#156

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[announcer] Pornhub, join the conversation.

#157

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[♪ suspenseful music playing]

#158

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Guess our many pandemic hobbies

#159

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are finally paying off.

#160

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All right, since we have more time on our hands,

#161

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we're gonna get into social justice.

#162

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And I got a Black Lives Matter sign to put on our lawn.

#163

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Ooh! We should also put up a sign

#164

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in support of the trans community.

#165

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I don't know, Meg.

#166

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Suddenly, everything's sounding very cluttered.

#167

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Mom's high school swimming records are getting shattered.

#168

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[♪ suspenseful music playing]

#169

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Meg, I found it!

#170

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[♪ upbeat music playing]

#171

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Nice! Up top, bitch.

#172

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Can you stop calling me that?

#173

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Whoa! What's this?

#174

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Starbucks used to sell a lot of CDs.

#175

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They propped up Michael Buble for years.

#176

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Joni Mitchell, Alanis Morissette...

#177

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The Diana Krall?

#178

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What's this really tall stack?

#179

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Oh! It's the audio book for Kamala Harris's The Truths We Hold.

#180

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Well, now I'm just sad.

#181

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-Cheers. -Cheers.

#182

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Coming up... my adult nephew's band "Forged in Steel"

#183

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will be playing at the Cat Club on Friday.

#184

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Is that enough uncle-ing for you, Denise?

#185

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But first, a brazen robbery occurred

#186

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at a Quahog coffee shop last night,

#187

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with the assailants stealing a proprietary spice blend

#188

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used to make pumpkin spice lattes.

#189

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An eyewitness reports seeing two people fleeing the scene,

#190

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a woman he quote, "Would like to jump,"

#191

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and a second woman.

#192

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We now turn to local cop Joe Swanson,

#193

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who is taking this very seriously.

#194

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I'm now going to answer some questions from reporters

#195

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that this microphone is not picking up.

#196

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No, not at this time.

#197

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We're monitoring that.

#198

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Yes.

#199

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About 45 minutes at 375 degrees.

#200

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We have to keep a low profile.

#201

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[sighs] Good thinking.

#202

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I'll go on social media and let everyone know

#203

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I'm taking a mental health break.

#204

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Meg, no one cares. Just don't post.

#205

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I think they do.

#206

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Oh, right.

#207

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I forgot to unfollow her.

#208

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[yelps] Good God, woman.

#209

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-[♪ suspenseful music playing] -Hi, Lois.

#210

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I just wanted to say I noticed how your windows have been looking.

#211

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Windex is on aisle 9.

#212

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Wow. That's like the woman equivalent

#213

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of getting stabbed in the face.

#214

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Well, I appreciate that, Bonnie.

#215

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You know, maybe you should focus on your hydrangeas.

#216

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They're looking a little pale.

#217

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[sniffs] Hmmm. What interesting perfume you've got on!

#218

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Nutmeg, clove, a little bit of brown ginger?

#219

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I'd say that smells like pumpkin spice latte,

#220

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but... [chuckles softly] ...that would be crazy.

#221

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[chuckling] Well, Jamaican me crazy.

#222

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[scoffs] Embarrassing.

#223

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Coffee without creamer, insulator sleeves,

#224

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pregnancy test?

#225

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That's for me.

#226

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Veronica from baby piano is late. Again.

#227

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That's why the rosary beads are there too.

#228

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[♪ suspenseful music playing]

#229

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It's you.

#230

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You're the coffee shop thief.

#231

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Shh! Okay, what do you want? You want money?

#232

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I want in.

#233

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Otherwise, I can't guarantee what I may or may not tell Joe.

#234

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All right, fine. But you can't tell anyone else.

#235

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I'm very discreet.

#236

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I take every secret to my grave.

#237

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Like, for example, did you know that Tom Hanks has a passion

#238

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for vintage typewriters?

#239

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Bonnie, I read that in Parade Magazine.

#240

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Well, they didn't hear it from me.

#241

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[knock on door]

#242

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Give me the pumpkin spice latte.

#243

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I... I'm sorry, but I don't know what you're talking about.

#244

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I saw the bat signal.

#245

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We all did.

#246

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[grumbles] Bonnie.

#247

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I know you have some. Give it to me right now. I am filming you.

#248

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And I'm filming you because this is how I deal with conflict.

#249

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And I'm filming you filming her

#250

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because I have a TikTok about women who don't support women.

#251

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Ladies, I'm sorry, but I just don't--

#252

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[women chanting] Pumpkin spice! Pumpkin spice!

#253

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-Pumpkin spice! -I borrowed this from my white husband.

#254

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Pack the bags, Donna.

#255

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Pack the bags, Neil.

#256

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Oh, no.

#257

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Pack the bags, Dennis.

#258

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-Mykonos? -Well, we hadn't been in three weeks.

#259

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You get the mesh bag of sandals

#260

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and I'll get all our Greece greases.

#261

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[women chanting] Pumpkin spice! Pumpkin spice!

#262

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Okay, okay.

#263

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We can get you all pumpkin spice lattes tomorrow.

#264

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Okay, Meg. We got 24 hours to replenish our supply.

#265

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Mom, what are you doing?

#266

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Don't worry, Meg. I know exactly how we can monetize this.

#267

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I took the Bill Gates Masterclass.

#268

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I was never on Epstein's plane.

#269

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And if I was,

#270

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it just a routine flight for my charity.

#271

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But I wasn't.

#272

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Microsoft.

#273

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[♪ intense music playing]

#274

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-[Lois] Password? -Dressing on the side.

#275

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[♪ exhilarating music playing]

#276

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[gasps] Ooh!

#277

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We accept cash, Venmo or Etsy gift cards.

#278

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We prefer Etsy gift cards.

#279

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Actually, we only take Etsy gift cards.

#280

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[women cheering]

#281

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There goes the neighborhood.

#282

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Hummingbird feeders and those damn free libraries everywhere,

#283

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constant smell of banana bread.

#284

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Look at them. Eating granola like it's cereal.

#285

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It's supposed to be sprinkled on top of something.

#286

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It's too calorically dense, otherwise!

#287

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Tom's of Maine is owned by Colgate!

#288

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[women] Liar!

#289

⇓

Look it up!

#290

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[♪ suspenseful music playing]

#291

⇓

[camera shutter clicks]

#292

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[camera shutter clicks]

#293

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Seventh one this month.

#294

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Guys, we really need to find some evidence

#295

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so I can have stuff to say at the next press conference.

#296

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I knocked it out of the park at the last one, and...

#297

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people are expecting a lot.

#298

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I can't believe someone would do something like this.

#299

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It's disgusting.

#300

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Starbucks is more than just a coffee shop.

#301

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It's a place where people come together

#302

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and post flyers advertising their bad improv shows.

#303

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By the way, can you come see my Malcolm in the Giggle show next Wednesday?

#304

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I would, but I'm going to a Gimprov show.

#305

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We're reclaiming that word.

#306

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We're looking for a suggestion from the audience.

#307

⇓

Does anyone have an occupation?

#308

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[Joe] Former acrobat.

#309

⇓

Great. How about a location?

#310

⇓

[Joe] C6, C7 between two vertebrae.

#311

⇓

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

#312

⇓

Fellas, I think we just got a break in this case.

#313

⇓

[camera shutter clicks]

#314

⇓

This isn't for the case, but I'm taking these napkins for my car.

#315

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The other day I had to drive home blind after a wet sneeze.

#316

⇓

There's a three-week backlog at the lab.

#317

⇓

Thought you might be able to help.

#318

⇓

You've come to the right place.

#319

⇓

I have a database of every woman's foot in Quahog.

#320

⇓

I call it The Footbook.

#321

⇓

Drop the "The". It's cleaner.

#322

⇓

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

#323

⇓

Yeah. Uh-huh.

#324

⇓

[laughing] You stop it right now.

#325

⇓

Are you talking to the footprint?

#326

⇓

The footprint and I are having a conversation.

#327

⇓

It's a little like Harry Potter.

#328

⇓

The admirer doesn't choose the foot.

#329

⇓

The foot has to choose the admirer.

#330

⇓

Let me just cross reference.

#331

⇓

-And, oh... that's very sad. -What?

#332

⇓

It's a discontinued Payless shoe from 2009.

#333

⇓

A shoe so sad can only belong to one woman.

#334

⇓

[gasps] Olivia Wilde?

#335

⇓

She must be pretty sad.

#336

⇓

Tabloid culture overshadowed a movie

#337

⇓

the cast and crew worked so hard on.

#338

⇓

-No Joe. It's Lois. -By the way,

#339

⇓

you could read more of my movie reviews on my Letterboxd.

#340

⇓

Did you know the cast of Oppenheimer lived together

#341

⇓

-while they were filming? -Uh-huh.

#342

⇓

Cillian Murphy spent a lot of time on his own.

#343

⇓

Kind of a lone wolf.

#344

⇓

-Okay. -Of course, by then

#345

⇓

most of the cast had seen his penis.

#346

⇓

You know that scene with Einstein?

#347

⇓

Originally, they had both their penises out.

#348

⇓

Actors sometimes do that to break down their emotional walls.

#349

⇓

[tires screeching]

#350

⇓

Thank God, he's gone.

#351

⇓

I've been holding in a major fart.

#352

⇓

[whirring]

#353

⇓

-[farts] -[sighs]

#354

⇓

Everything's hard for me, cat.

#355

⇓

Thanks, Quagmire. This is the smoking gun we needed.

#356

⇓

-We're gonna nail Lois. -Really?

#357

⇓

Can... Can I go first?

#358

⇓

No. I mean, we got to slap the cuffs on her

#359

⇓

and throw her in the back of my car.

#360

⇓

[exclaims]

#361

⇓

Get her in her room and drill her till she breaks.

#362

⇓

[exclaiming]

#363

⇓

See how she likes it in the can.

#364

⇓

[exclaims passionately]

#365

⇓

[explosion]

#366

⇓

I'd like to see one of those strong female attorneys

#367

⇓

try to get her off.

#368

⇓

[exclaims enthusiastically]

#369

⇓

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

#370

⇓

[chitters]

#371

⇓

Everyone get in position.

#372

⇓

-Roger that. -Copy.

#373

⇓

Jerry, please acknowledge.

#374

⇓

He's not acknowledging. I'm going in.

#375

⇓

Let's get this debutante ball started.

#376

⇓

[whirring]

#377

⇓

[chomping]

#378

⇓

[high-pitched static]

#379

⇓

Be professional, Jerry.

#380

⇓

[soft chomps]

#381

⇓

-[gasps] -Hello.

#382

⇓

I am a white woman named Kayhla,

#383

⇓

and I spell that in a very complicated way for zero reason.

#384

⇓

Well, aren't you a cool glass of water?

#385

⇓

Why don't you come on in for a nonconsensual shoulder rub?

#386

⇓

I just want to speak to your wife.

#387

⇓

Wife? We've been drifting apart for a long time.

#388

⇓

So, is there a Mr. Kayhla?

#389

⇓

There was. My husband was a wrestler.

#390

⇓

His doctor told him he couldn't wrestle anymore.

#391

⇓

But he loved it so much

#392

⇓

he wrestled one last time and died.

#393

⇓

Telling him not to wrestle was like telling him not to breathe.

#394

⇓

That's so sad. That's, literally, exactly

#395

⇓

what happened to Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler.

#396

⇓

No, it's very different.

#397

⇓

Unlike Mickey Rourke,

#398

⇓

my husband's face was completely disfigured

#399

⇓

by too much plastic surgery.

#400

⇓

Kayhla, you have got to watch this movie.

#401

⇓

It's so similar to your life.

#402

⇓

Is Dad okay?

#403

⇓

It's brain fog from having Covid 12 times.

#404

⇓

What do we do now?

#405

⇓

Look, we always knew this time would come.

#406

⇓

Grab the pumpkin spice from the garage and run.

#407

⇓

[Peter] I'm sorry to be so forward.

#408

⇓

It's just that you're, literally, any woman

#409

⇓

other than the one I'm allowed to have.

#410

⇓

-[kisses] -[tires screeching]

#411

⇓

[Peter grunts]

#412

⇓

[tires screeching]

#413

⇓

Getting your own daughter involved?

#414

⇓

You're a sick woman, Lois Griffin.

#415

⇓

[gasps] Joe?

#416

⇓

I'm sorry, Peter.

#417

⇓

But for what it's worth, Kayhla found you very attractive.

#418

⇓

No. That's all right.

#419

⇓

I'll just work out this sexual confusion in my porn searches later.

#420

⇓

[Chris] I have an account if you wanna leave a comment.

#421

⇓

[announcer] Pornhub, fun for the whole family.

#422

⇓

[♪ sweeping music playing over car radio]

#423

⇓

Oh, my God. We're like Thelma and Louise.

#424

⇓

I've never felt so alive.

#425

⇓

Meg, unpair your phone.

#426

⇓

I'm driving. So we pair my phone.

#427

⇓

Seriously? Ugh! Fine.

#428

⇓

-[♪ music stops] -Go ahead.

#429

⇓

I can't connect until you disconnect your phone.

#430

⇓

You have to forget device.

#431

⇓

Go to settings, general,

#432

⇓

network, Bluetooth, find "Car",

#433

⇓

then hit "Forget my device".

#434

⇓

Argh! We can't do it while you're driving.

#435

⇓

The car has to be stopped.

#436

⇓

Siri, forget device.

#437

⇓

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

#438

⇓

Coming to you live.

#439

⇓

We are in pursuit of two fugitives

#440

⇓

identified in the gruesome pumpkin spice latte robberies.

#441

⇓

As you can see now, they're headed down Route 95 .

#442

⇓

Oh, yeah, right past that exterminator with the big bug on the roof.

#443

⇓

Oh, Look. There it is.

#444

⇓

They do a nice little job.

#445

⇓

It appears they're slowing down.

#446

⇓

[Lois screaming] Siri!

#447

⇓

Forget my device!

#448

⇓

[Tom] Yep. Just what I thought.

#449

⇓

Classic Bluetooth-pairing problem.

#450

⇓

Okay. It appears they were able to safely pair the phone.

#451

⇓

But it looks like the police cruiser is pulling over

#452

⇓

for similar reasons.

#453

⇓

Listen, I don't know what they're teaching you at the academy,

#454

⇓

but this is day-one stuff.

#455

⇓

Go to settings, general, network...

#456

⇓

Oh? You got an Android?

#457

⇓

So you're the green idiot on the group text.

#458

⇓

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

#459

⇓

Peter?

#460

⇓

I can't find the remote.

#461

⇓

Did you check under the table?

#462

⇓

Yeah.

#463

⇓

No. Hold on.

#464

⇓

Okay, I found it. Thank you.

#465

⇓

-[siren wailing] -[both gasping]

#466

⇓

-[grunts] -[tires screeching]

#467

⇓

[both screaming]

#468

⇓

I'm sorry, Meg.

#469

⇓

I never meant for things to get so out of hand.

#470

⇓

Me too, Mom.

#471

⇓

But I gotta say,

#472

⇓

I enjoyed spending time with you.

#473

⇓

[♪ sinister music playing]

#474

⇓

Should we go out in a blaze of eternal glory?

#475

⇓

I'd like that very much.

#476

⇓

Uh, can I get a vote?

#477

⇓

I've been here since you went to Target

#478

⇓

two days ago.

#479

⇓

[tires screeching]

#480

⇓

[sirens wailing]

#481

⇓

I guess this all could have been avoided

#482

⇓

if there was another seasonal beverage

#483

⇓

that followed the pumpkin spice latte.

#484

⇓

Well, there is the peppermint mocha,

#485

⇓

but there's no comparison.

#486

⇓

I mean, yeah, it has candy on top of...

#487

⇓

of rich peppermint cream

#488

⇓

and basically tastes like Christmas in a cup, but...

#489

⇓

[exclaiming] Actually, that doesn't sound that bad.

#490

⇓

Are you [bleep] me?

#491

⇓

Turn around!

#492

⇓

-[brakes screeching] -It's too late.

#493

⇓

I'm buckled in. This should be fine.

#494

⇓

[all screaming]

#495

⇓

[car doors open]

#496

⇓

We've changed our minds!

#497

⇓

Oh, we made emotional decisions!

#498

⇓

Please save us, men!

#499

⇓

We got 'em, boys.

#500

⇓

I guess all that's left

#501

⇓

is for the husband to give an emotional press conference.

#502

⇓

[camera shutter clicking]

#503

⇓

It's time we forgive Kevin Spacey.

#504

⇓

That will be my only statement at this time.

#505

⇓

[sobbing] Thank you.

#506

⇓

I already joined three prison gangs.

#507

⇓

We got community service.

#508

⇓

Yeah, I know.

#509

⇓

I was getting ready just in case.

#510

⇓

Joe told 'em about The Footbook.

#511

⇓

Drop the "The". It's cleaner.

#512

⇓

[♪ closing theme music playing]

#513

⇓